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Speaker 1: Guess what decision we're about to make. Horrible decision.

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Speaker 2: Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of horror Blea.

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Speaker 1: This is y'all. I don't know why you want to

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Speaker 1: sign it.

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Speaker 2: Don't do I'm gonna sing it that sphy I'm your girl,

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Speaker 2: Mandy b AKA single Forever.

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Speaker 1: Because everybody sucks aka that bitch for album. Hey, y'all,

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Speaker 1: I'm weazy and finally I'm out of the pists pool

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Speaker 1: that dating is. But I really think I've used some

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Speaker 1: advice for my fairy god brother. He's here, anwar who

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Speaker 1: is one of my favorite dating coaches online. I don't

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Speaker 1: even have TikTok, but I feel like you have TikTok

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Speaker 1: content and it's my favorite to watch. So I'm so

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Speaker 1: glad that you decided to do horrible today.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 2: Welcome, Welcome, I'm excited to have you here because Baby, Outside.

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Speaker 1: Of the questions for y'all, yes, I guess I'll consider y'all.

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Speaker 2: Today I got questions from my goddamn though, uh dating

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Speaker 2: it has been now that I have standards, I realized

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Speaker 2: how much harder dating is. Like I actually miss being

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Speaker 2: a whore with no standards.

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Speaker 1: Who just wanted to come.

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Speaker 2: You know, I just wanted a good looking guy, just

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Speaker 2: wanted to eat and have a meal the next day,

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Speaker 2: because I was.

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Speaker 1: Like Jesus Christ.

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Speaker 2: So now that I'm not that person, now that I've

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Speaker 2: gone through therapy, now that I'm a woman of intention,

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Speaker 2: a woman with money at her own bag and is

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Speaker 2: not looking for those transactional relationships, I find it to

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Speaker 2: be a little bit more difficult to find someone that

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Speaker 2: makes sense. But also was a woman identifying what I

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Speaker 2: really want out of a partner. So I'm excited to

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Speaker 2: have this conversation with you.

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Speaker 1: My first question is I didn't realize you were married.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you've talked about it in your content,

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Speaker 1: but when you said that, I was like, oh, because

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Speaker 1: one of my first questions was when single and being

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Speaker 1: a dating coach. How has that been like if you've

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Speaker 1: had your spirits in that.

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Speaker 3: I've always been married in a dating coach, so I've

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Speaker 3: been married for almost fourteen years now. We have three

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Speaker 3: children together. So just fyip people, if you want to

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Speaker 3: invest in a dating coach, please invest with someone who

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Speaker 3: is married and who knows how to go from A

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Speaker 3: to Z.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's very interesting. Tell us how you met your

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Speaker 1: partner in after that step of marriage, how you were like, okay,

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Speaker 1: I need to teach people how to do this.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so we met online like a lot of people

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Speaker 3: are meeting these days. And I always tell ladies out there,

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Speaker 3: but for the guys as well. Like when I was online,

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Speaker 3: I wasn't necessarily taking it so seriously. So like I

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Speaker 3: was in LA at the time, So I would have

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Speaker 3: one app in LA and then I would have another

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Speaker 3: app just wherever I wanted to go. So one week

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Speaker 3: I would be in Barcelona, one week I would be

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Speaker 3: in Berlin, one week I would be in Montreal.

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Speaker 1: All right, subtle flick.

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Speaker 3: Well here's the thing. No on my app, not in

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Speaker 3: real life. Oh okay, see yeah yeah, because oh I

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Speaker 3: knew at a certain point, and this is I think

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Speaker 3: really applicable form are and successful women of color that

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Speaker 3: America might not be there it for you. So you

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Speaker 3: have to be open to the fact that your person

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Speaker 3: might be outside of the state.

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Speaker 2: So when you say you placed yourself in there, I know,

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Speaker 2: like for certain apps, and and none of them paying

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Speaker 2: for this episode, so we don't have to really name

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Speaker 2: any if we don't want to. But certain apps once

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Speaker 2: you pay for the subscription is when you can place

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Speaker 2: your location anywhere.

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Speaker 1: So is that what you did? You invested in.

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Speaker 2: Paying for one of the premium appropriate So you explored.

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Speaker 1: With the intention of having a more serious relationship. Correct,

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Speaker 1: Huh interesting I have heard now I know doctor Gumar

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Speaker 1: controversial and also can't stand the gays. So it's like,

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Speaker 1: but you did say one thing about black women dating

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Speaker 1: and going to the Caribbean and just meeting men there,

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Speaker 1: maybe even Africa a different part, just to meet black men.

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Speaker 1: Tell us your experience with when you were choosing the

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Speaker 1: city and why those places like what.

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Speaker 3: Were just a variety?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 3: I wasn't really thinking too much about it. Again, I

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Speaker 3: think I always tell ladies, you know, there are two

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Speaker 3: types of women that date. There are women that date

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Speaker 3: for marriage, and there are women that date for play, right,

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Speaker 3: and the women that date wait.

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Speaker 1: There are no in between.

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Speaker 3: When women are dating for marriage, I think that they

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Speaker 3: take it very seriously and they go from zero to

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Speaker 3: one hundred and they put a lot of pressure on themselves.

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Speaker 3: And I'm always someone who is date for play, have

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Speaker 3: fun and actually, in my experience it's the women who

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Speaker 3: date for play that get into relationships. It's the women

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Speaker 3: that speak for marriage that have a much harder time.

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Speaker 1: MMM that I one hundred percent of believe. What is

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Speaker 1: the in between? Is there an in between?

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Speaker 3: I mean, I think there's always going to be an

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Speaker 3: in between because everything is a spectrum, right, But I'm

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Speaker 3: sharing with you what the majority of the categories are

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Speaker 3: when when I have coached women in dating for the

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Speaker 3: past fourteen to fifteen years.

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Speaker 1: So Mandy in particular, I'm sure she was interested in

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Speaker 1: the between because Mandy doesn't want to be married, which

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Speaker 1: she wants to committed relateationship. That's fine, and so that

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Speaker 1: pretty much though, is marriage is the blanket of commitment

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Speaker 1: when you're saying the two.

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Speaker 3: Marriage commitment, long term partnership, right, meaning like you're very

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Speaker 3: focused on it has this person that I'm talking to

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Speaker 3: right now, he has to be my person or she

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Speaker 3: has to be my person, right that we're putting a

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Speaker 3: lot of pressure on ourselves because we want to be

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Speaker 3: in that relationship more so than we want to actually

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Speaker 3: evaluate whether that person is for us or not. There

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Speaker 3: are a lot of women that are hyper focused on

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Speaker 3: being partnered, being chosen, having a relationship, and that's what

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Speaker 3: I'm talking about more so than anything else.

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Speaker 1: How do you know how long you can play? For example,

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Speaker 1: if a woman does want to end up in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: but you're saying date for play, which I get that

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Speaker 1: it's like kind of just let all of that go

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Speaker 1: and enjoy yourself, But how long can they do that

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Speaker 1: before they end up in a situationship?

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Speaker 3: Or there's a differ diference between playing and dating with boundaries.

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Speaker 3: So when I say play, I don't mean you don't

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Speaker 3: have boundaries while you're dating. What I'm saying is that

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Speaker 3: you stay free, you stay light, you're not taking it

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Speaker 3: too seriously. You can take it or you can leave it.

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Speaker 3: But that that is completely different than actually having boundaries right,

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Speaker 3: And boundaries are paramount when you're dating because if you

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Speaker 3: don't boundary well, you won't date well, you won't be

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Speaker 3: in a great relationship, and so forth and so on.

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Speaker 2: What are boundaries that would assure that you're in the

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Speaker 2: right path swords what you want? Like, could you give

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Speaker 2: us a list of maybe three boundaries.

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Speaker 3: That yeah for people percent? So I would say, if

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Speaker 3: you're dating online, I if he hasn't asked you out

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Speaker 3: within a week, you need to drop it. If you

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Speaker 3: are not in a committed relationship within two and a

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Speaker 3: half to three months, you need to drop it. If

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Speaker 3: you are not engaged or married within two years, you

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Speaker 3: need to drop it.

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Speaker 1: These are are very short numbers to me.

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Speaker 3: Tell me why are why are they?

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Speaker 1: Are they short? To you? I think that the two years,

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Speaker 1: in my opinion, seems to be an age thing. I

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Speaker 1: feel like if I was twenty six, twenty seven and

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Speaker 1: someone was ready to marry me in two years, I'd

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Speaker 1: be like, Oh, have we really experienced more yet? Are

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Speaker 1: we in a financial place for marriage? I'm actually surprised

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Speaker 1: you said two years. For some reason in my brain

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Speaker 1: I thought you would say three.

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Speaker 3: A man knows. A man knows pretty quickly. And what

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Speaker 3: I know, I get at least three or four women

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Speaker 3: into relationships every week. I have an engagement every month.

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Speaker 3: What I will tell you is this, he knows probably

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Speaker 3: within the first six months, and then after that he

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Speaker 3: is saving for a ring and a wedding. I literally

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Speaker 3: have five men that are doing it for my clients

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Speaker 3: right now.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I want to ask the room, do you guys know?

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Speaker 1: In six months? Have you have you? Let's get a gage?

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Speaker 1: We got four? There are men here do you theay

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Speaker 1: women too? Okay, have you felt that for yourself? Yeah? Okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: what about the two to three months? Because Wolfe told

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Speaker 1: me once wolf start engineering here that he who I

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Speaker 1: probably would say I've had the most deep conversations with

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Speaker 1: about dating, and you seem like a very intentional dater.

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Speaker 1: You told me a year, and you're saying two to

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Speaker 1: three months. Why do you take a year? That seems

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Speaker 1: crazy to me to make someone your girlfriend? I think

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Speaker 1: four to six but a year's fucking crazy. Yet you

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Speaker 1: don't have a mic, so we're not gonna keep asking.

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Speaker 1: He said that he feels like things will come to

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Speaker 1: the surface after a year. Now, I just feel like

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Speaker 1: a year. I'm letting you play with me if a

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Speaker 1: woman goes past a certain.

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Speaker 3: So let me just let me answer that. And this

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Speaker 3: is why it's important for women to have boundaries, right,

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Speaker 3: because you you shouldn't be waiting a year. Yeah, whoever

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Speaker 3: knows that you are at will make it happen, right,

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Speaker 3: And so that's why it's important for women specifically to

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Speaker 3: have those boundaries because you can't abdicate or give away

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Speaker 3: your power to someone who may not know if they

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Speaker 3: want to be with you or not. You have to

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Speaker 3: make that choice for yourself. You have to be in

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Speaker 3: full control of your dating life, and you can't give

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Speaker 3: your power away to someone else.

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Speaker 2: So I've been talking to my friends who think I'm

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Speaker 2: kind of nuts. I give people two weeks and two

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Speaker 2: weeks to see me, so I don't care where you're

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Speaker 2: at on the globe. I feel like, if you're interested

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Speaker 2: in me and we're talking, you have two weeks to

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Speaker 2: see me.

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Speaker 1: Otherwise I'm no longer interested.

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Speaker 2: However, with wanting the two week mark as well as

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Speaker 2: maybe send me flowers, can I ask you what is

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Speaker 2: the difference between a woman showing up assertive and showing

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Speaker 2: up aggressive and could a woman saying that this is

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Speaker 2: what they need in order to for them feel like

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Speaker 2: you're interested.

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Speaker 1: Could that push them away? So how do you show

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Speaker 1: up between the two?

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Speaker 3: Well, there's a difference between It's all in communication style, okay, Right.

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Speaker 3: There are some women that communicate in a masculine way

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Speaker 3: and there are some women that communicate in a feminine way. Right,

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Speaker 3: There's a difference between I need flowers, I need you

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Speaker 3: to come and see me. I need you da da

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Speaker 3: da da da, versus I would feel really connected, and

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Speaker 3: I would really be happy if you came to see me.

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Speaker 3: There's a way to communicate things from a feminine energetic

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Speaker 3: perspective versus a masculine energetic perpect Masculine is thought, masculine

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Speaker 3: is action doe. Feminine is centered around the feelings and being.

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Speaker 3: And I will tell you this, a lot of women

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Speaker 3: of color specifically are in their masculine energy for a

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Speaker 3: variety of different reasons. What I know for sure, and

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Speaker 3: the deeper reason behind that, is because there's actually a

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Speaker 3: lack of feminine energetic love when they're being raised. So

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Speaker 3: a lot of black mothers are very judgmental and highly critical,

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Speaker 3: and so what happens, and also, I will just say

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Speaker 3: this from a lot of fathers, they're also emotionally or

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Speaker 3: physically absent. So what that teaches black girls growing up

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Speaker 3: is that they can't rely on anyone. They don't have

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Speaker 3: a safe space, so they have to be their own

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Speaker 3: safe space. So what happens though, and how that translates

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Speaker 3: into adulthood is that now you're in your masculine you

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Speaker 3: have to take care of everything. But the problem with

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Speaker 3: that is when you're in your masculine because relationships are

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Speaker 3: about compliments. They're about the yin and the yang. So

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Speaker 3: when you're in your masculine you will attract two kinds

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Speaker 3: of men. One a man that is in his dominant

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Speaker 3: feminine energy who's looking for a mother yeah. And two

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Speaker 3: a man that is in his hyper or toxic masculine

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Speaker 3: energy and he will want to forcibly submit you into

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Speaker 3: your famlim. Those are the two kinds of men that

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Speaker 3: will have So one of the things that I do

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Speaker 3: in my program for my clients is I help them

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Speaker 3: create a balance of both the masculine and feminine so

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Speaker 3: that they can also meet people, meet men specifically that

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Speaker 3: have also a balance as well. One of the things

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Speaker 3: that has happened that maybe a lot of people aren't

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Speaker 3: necessarily talking about is, you know, in the nineties, we

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Speaker 3: had I don't know, seventy five percent of our households

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Speaker 3: that were run by single mothers, and that has an

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Speaker 3: effect on how we bond with each other. I want

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Speaker 3: to specifically say, this affects the way that men also

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Speaker 3: bond with women. So when you're talking about I need

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Speaker 3: imn to do this, this, this, this, and be very particular,

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Speaker 3: it's really a defense mechanism because they've been going through

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Speaker 3: a lot of bullshit because a lot of these men

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Speaker 3: have been thought to believe that they are the prize

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Speaker 3: what we call enmeshment, which means that they are raised

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Speaker 3: to be a bit entitled. A lot of these single

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Speaker 3: mothers will actually treat these young men growing up as

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Speaker 3: surrogate partners. They call them king, they call them all

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Speaker 3: these other things, and so all of the attention, everything

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Speaker 3: is for them, and so they are thought they believe

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Speaker 3: that that is how you are supposed to be in

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Speaker 3: relationship with women, right, And that's not necessarily the case.

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Speaker 3: So when you tell me that there are a lot

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Speaker 3: of women that are demanding, it is really because they've

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Speaker 3: experienced a lot of men that are like that. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 3: I'm not here to shit or shade on anybody. I'm

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Speaker 3: here to share with you that a lot of things

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Speaker 3: that maybe people aren't talking about in the context and

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Speaker 3: the why behind it all.

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Speaker 1: I am absolutely understanding how you've done this fifteen years.

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Speaker 1: I think just the example of why we're so aggressive

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Speaker 1: when asking for these things, I've even had to calm down.

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Speaker 1: I think I don't know if you believe in astrology,

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Speaker 1: but I think the only thing that's helped me is

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Speaker 1: my Pisce's emotional attitude that I've been able to approach

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Speaker 1: things with with all the pain from relationships. I definitely

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Speaker 1: have a laundry list of things for myself that I

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Speaker 1: know I need. I try not to necessarily pressure someone

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Speaker 1: with them and I'm in a relationship right now, but

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Speaker 1: I have found that I may find ways to sneak

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Speaker 1: them in or even make mention at what I've done

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Speaker 1: to other partners. Oh well, XYZ happened to me and

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Speaker 1: they're no longer here. And I haven't really found a

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Speaker 1: healthy way to talk about my boundaries without letting them know.

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Speaker 1: This is a hard limit, and I'm curious when not

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Speaker 1: in a relationship. But let's just say, because don't want

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Speaker 1: to speak for myself in the dating weeds, you know

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Speaker 1: you're starting to like someone, how do you let them

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Speaker 1: know as a partner how they need to show up?

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Speaker 1: Because what you just mentioned about that to me is

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Speaker 1: preliminary and a really good example of it. How can

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Speaker 1: we do that once we're in it, once we know

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Speaker 1: someone's vibe.

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Speaker 3: How do we So here's how I think about this.

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Speaker 3: So we have this full courtship, right And I always

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Speaker 3: tell I always say that I think women and men

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Speaker 3: think about it differently. So I think men kind of

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Speaker 3: go into it with like a zero mentality, meaning I

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Speaker 3: don't even know her, I don't even like her yet, right,

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Speaker 3: we have to figure out if I like her. Women

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Speaker 3: oftentimes will start at one hundred, right and be like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: if he messes up, I'm taking him down to ninety,

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Speaker 3: and we wait until he gets to a certain point before.

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Speaker 3: So I say all that to say, many women do

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Speaker 3: exactly what you just said. I want to make sure

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Speaker 3: that he stays at one hundred, which is my idealized

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Speaker 3: version of who I want him to be, instead of

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Speaker 3: letting him be who he is right, which is which

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Speaker 3: means kind of I want women to actually start from

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Speaker 3: zero and allow him to prove himself in a lot

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Speaker 3: of different ways.

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Speaker 1: Oh.

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Speaker 3: I say all of that to say, I don't want

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Speaker 3: you to tell him exactly what you want or what

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Speaker 3: you need, not early in the courtship. I always think

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Speaker 3: that the date three is a huge inflection point in

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Speaker 3: the courtship. It shows a level of investment, and so

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Speaker 3: from first conversation to date three, you're in observation mode.

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Speaker 3: You just need to see what what his homeostasis is

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Speaker 3: what his natural way of being is because you can

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Speaker 3: give him, you can give him the answers to the

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Speaker 3: test and he can he can, he can cram and

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Speaker 3: copy them and perform for a good three weeks, three months.

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Speaker 3: But is that his natural way of being? Excuse me?

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Speaker 1: I feel like most of the days have sex around

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Speaker 1: date three? Is that in relation to when you just

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Speaker 1: said date three is an investment?

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Speaker 3: Date three is an investment? Most women have sex on

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Speaker 3: date three because there's a passive enact of pressure that

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Speaker 3: happens on date three.

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Speaker 1: Hmmm.

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Speaker 3: That comes from film media, all of these other things,

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Speaker 3: and pressure from the patriarchy. Right, That's just something that

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Speaker 3: is expected of them. Many of them understand that, know that,

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Speaker 3: and feel like they have to. That's why there's like

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Speaker 3: a bit of a dip when it comes to after

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Speaker 3: date three, because also men are expecting that as well.

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Speaker 1: Now, interesting because it's what my werson just said, this

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Speaker 1: thing about date three to me, We had sex on

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Speaker 1: date three, right, And he said, I was like, what

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Speaker 1: did we had sex on date four? He said, for

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Speaker 1: some reason in my brain, and this is someone who

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Speaker 1: can have sex with whoever he wants, right, Most men can't.

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Speaker 1: He's like, in date three, if I'm not feeling an

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Speaker 1: intense sexual energy, I start to think are we better

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Speaker 1: as friends? And I actually don't know if that's pressure

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Speaker 1: he's putting on someone or if it's where his brain

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Speaker 1: thinks from the interest of the woman. So I agree

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Speaker 1: with you. It is something that people are just used

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Speaker 1: to happening, because to say that you're not sure if

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Speaker 1: it doesn't get there, he's like, maybe she's into me.

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Speaker 1: To be honest, I kind of get it too. Remember

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Speaker 1: when I was dating that guy who wasn't having sex

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Speaker 1: with me, and I was like, he must not be there.

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Speaker 1: The guy from Dreamville. The same thought Date three happened

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Speaker 1: date four, and I was like, oh, yeah, he wants

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Speaker 1: to be my friend.

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Speaker 2: I mean to me, it's interesting because for what I

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Speaker 2: know dating to look like currently, it takes so long

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Speaker 2: to get to date three because people are juggling and

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Speaker 2: dating so many different people at once, And not only

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Speaker 2: are they not actively going on dates, they're spending a

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Speaker 2: lot of time texting, having phone conversations, facetiming, dming, sending memes.

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Speaker 2: There's so many actual conversations happening before you meet a

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Speaker 2: person in person. And then so to get to date three.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes getting to date three can take a month or

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Speaker 2: two with one person because you're actively dating other people.

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Speaker 1: So I find that a little bit.

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Speaker 2: Difficult or maybe not something that could be related to

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Speaker 2: people that are actively dating multiple people.

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Speaker 1: Or are you recommending that that women date one man

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Speaker 1: at a time?

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Speaker 3: No? Never, okay, good? Always date multiple. I call it

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Speaker 3: Olympic dating. You need to have a gold medalist, a

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Speaker 3: silver medalist, and a bronze medallist at all times.

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Speaker 2: I think that's the difficulty though that I'm seeing as well.

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Speaker 2: I think right now with social media and women being

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Speaker 2: okay with this concept, it's almost like our attention spans

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Speaker 2: the same way it's related to music and now TV shows.

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Speaker 2: We're upset when the whole season isn't there available to

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Speaker 2: us and we have to wait even a week for

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Speaker 2: a new episode. Our attention spans are so short that

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Speaker 2: we're constantly seeking Okay, if he's not all.

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Speaker 1: The way on me, I just want someone else to be.

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Speaker 2: And that's what I realize myself and my friends are

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Speaker 2: navigating with dating right now, Like there's just so many

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Speaker 2: that after two weeks, so I'm no longer interested in him,

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Speaker 2: they're just falling by the.

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Speaker 3: Wayside most of them. Well, okay, and that's that's why

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Speaker 3: you date multiple men. Okay, and you keep dating multiple

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Speaker 3: men most of them is exhausting.

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Speaker 1: With the gold bronze that comment you just made. What

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Speaker 1: have you seen ends up being? Who ends up being

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Speaker 1: the engagement? You have one a month? You're seeing relationships happen?

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Speaker 1: What have you noticed when you're because this is almost

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Speaker 1: like therapy to me, like I'm paying for someone to

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Speaker 1: really help me date, Like I'm telling you about these

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Speaker 1: guys you're giving me the advice. Who have you seen?

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Speaker 1: Is it the one that the girl the women are

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Speaker 1: really wanting or is it the guy that they kind

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Speaker 1: of forgot about?

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Speaker 3: So that's a great question, and it really depends on

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Speaker 3: the woman. But I would say half of the time

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Speaker 3: it is the It is the guy that she's always

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Speaker 3: thinking about. She's kind of first date been sprung, and

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Speaker 3: half the time there's a grow to love, right. And

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Speaker 3: I think there is a bigger point here, which is

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Speaker 3: I think a lot of women have been conditioned and

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Speaker 3: programmed to believe in the spark, right, that there has

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Speaker 3: to be a spark. The butterflies are really anxiety.

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Speaker 1: Would you say to me at a spark of car.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, But so don't trust the butterflies, especially in our

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Speaker 3: black bodies that hold a lot of trauma. Oftentimes we

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Speaker 3: can't really trust what our bodies are telling us. So

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Speaker 3: one of the things that I think is important I

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Speaker 3: call it the slow burn, right that like, if by

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Speaker 3: date two or three your attraction hasn't increased, you got

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Speaker 3: to let it go, right, But don't be don't shade

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Speaker 3: the guy that's currently a six, because he might be

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Speaker 3: an eight or a nine to you two or three

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Speaker 3: months from now. But what happens, and this, this is

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Speaker 3: what I've learned as a dating coach, is many of

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Speaker 3: us I'm speaking specifically for women of color, but men

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Speaker 3: of color as well. I just work with women of color.

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Speaker 3: Many of us, because of the way that we're raised,

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Speaker 3: are emotionally stented. So what that means is we look

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Speaker 3: for connection in other ways for not we don't prioritize

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Speaker 3: emotional connection as much, so we will over prioritize intellectual

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Speaker 3: connection and or physical connection. So one of the things

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Speaker 3: that I really focus on in my clients is making

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Speaker 3: sure that we are open enough to actually connect emotionally

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Speaker 3: that means learning how to be vulnerable, sharing and communicating

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Speaker 3: with feelings so that you can also see if the

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Speaker 3: man has emotional capacity to do the same. That's where

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Speaker 3: the deeper emotional connection can happen. Unfortunately, well not unfortunately,

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Speaker 3: but what happens in reality is that women will have

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Speaker 3: to initiate that for men to feel emotionally safe to

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Speaker 3: do that. But if we don't have the skills to

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00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:47,520
Speaker 3: do that, then it's going to be hard to deeply connect.

439
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:53,320
Speaker 3: So to answer your question, sometimes it's first date I knew.

440
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,600
Speaker 3: Other times it had to grow a little bit, and

441
00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:03,440
Speaker 3: that's okay too. I recently heard this advice. I want

442
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:04,800
Speaker 3: you to tell me what you think about this.

443
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,600
Speaker 1: I had a conversation with my partner about when we

444
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:13,080
Speaker 1: knew and he talks about a point that was too many.

445
00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:14,440
Speaker 1: He's like, oh, I knew I was really in love

446
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 1: with you at this month and that it was month

447
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,919
Speaker 1: three or four. He's like, that's when I knew I

448
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,919
Speaker 1: was feeling it, which we weren't in a relationship by then,

449
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,840
Speaker 1: but he was like, right at month three, I was like, oh,

450
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,199
Speaker 1: I don't want to let her go, Like I'm seeing

451
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,320
Speaker 1: this thing. I felt like one and a half months.

452
00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:32,600
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I can tell this, he'll be him.

453
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,360
Speaker 1: A friend of mine said, that's because men feel love

454
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,320
Speaker 1: and distance. And that third month, I was traveling a lot.

455
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,040
Speaker 1: We were on tour. So that's true. So men need

456
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,840
Speaker 1: the space. And she said that you felt super in

457
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,399
Speaker 1: love when that you spent more time with him. He

458
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,720
Speaker 1: didn't know until you were away. Would you recommend women

459
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 1: to give say no sometimes to dates or give it

460
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,320
Speaker 1: that space when men are very eager.

461
00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,680
Speaker 3: Not necessarily if they're feeling it right. So again, going

462
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,119
Speaker 3: back to some of the boundary conversation that we talked about,

463
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,800
Speaker 3: we want to have one to two dates a week, right.

464
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:08,359
Speaker 3: The thing that I think women need to understand is

465
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:13,520
Speaker 3: that they are they control the pace of the relationship

466
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:17,240
Speaker 3: and the emotional depth of the relationship through your boundaries, right,

467
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:21,439
Speaker 3: and through your vulnerability. And so one of the things

468
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 3: that I think is important is to make sure that

469
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 3: you are in control of the pace, right. One of

470
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 3: the things that can happen is and this is what

471
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:34,600
Speaker 3: I also say for people who have these marathon first dates, right,

472
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,919
Speaker 3: that you really do want to make sure it's a

473
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,720
Speaker 3: couple of hours, if not more. If he wants to

474
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,760
Speaker 3: take you out again. Let him take you out again, right.

475
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 3: But the reason why I say that is because there's

476
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:49,320
Speaker 3: this thing called exposure bias, which is, if something is

477
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:51,399
Speaker 3: in front of me a long time, I'm going to

478
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:54,680
Speaker 3: like it more. And so if you spend a lot

479
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:59,320
Speaker 3: of time with someone really fast, your brain will tell you,

480
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,520
Speaker 3: because you're in their presence, that you like them more.

481
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 3: And when you like someone more, you will let them

482
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:06,200
Speaker 3: get away with more than.

483
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,600
Speaker 2: That's how the fuck I ended up in my last

484
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,320
Speaker 2: relationship at the pandemic. I literally just brought this up

485
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,399
Speaker 2: in therapy, Like me and Weezy were on our town

486
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,480
Speaker 2: hall last night with the patrons and we're writing a

487
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,680
Speaker 2: book and she started reading a few of my chapters

488
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:22,680
Speaker 2: and was surprised at how little my ex was in there.

489
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 2: And I ended up bringing it up in therapy today.

490
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:29,560
Speaker 2: And it's crazy, because I've been having sex now for

491
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 2: eighteen nineteen years of my life.

492
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:32,480
Speaker 1: He was three of them.

493
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,439
Speaker 2: But even in the way that I registered that relationship

494
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,720
Speaker 2: now is almost like it's a blip in the matrix,

495
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 2: because I literally say, had we not been in a pandemic,

496
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:42,920
Speaker 2: I can't say I would have ended up with him

497
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,199
Speaker 2: because literally we met and we spent twenty days together.

498
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,919
Speaker 2: But it's because literally because there was nothing else to

499
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,760
Speaker 2: fucking do. Nothing was open. Even our first date, we

500
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,240
Speaker 2: went hiking. He could have killed me, probably should have

501
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,479
Speaker 2: known he was a sociopath then, but it was literally

502
00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:00,320
Speaker 2: just because nothing was open. And so I literally, I

503
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,159
Speaker 2: think by day twenty five, was like, I love this person.

504
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,399
Speaker 2: And so now that I'm dating, a part of me

505
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,119
Speaker 2: is in fear that I maybe only even liked him

506
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 2: because I had that time to spend because he was

507
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,960
Speaker 2: in front of me, because me and Weezy travel so much.

508
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 1: Oh yes, you weren't doing boyfriend girlfriend stuff. I was

509
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,320
Speaker 1: cooking for him. Did you get?

510
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,439
Speaker 2: But that's what I'm saying, because of the blip and

511
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,680
Speaker 2: the matrix, bitch, the pandemic can't be cooking for a

512
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 2: nigga because restaurants wasn't open, you know what I mean.

513
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 2: So it's so hard for me to date now and

514
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,040
Speaker 2: recognize what that relationship was because of when it happened.

515
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,720
Speaker 2: And so now when I'm trying to date, I'm just

516
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:40,000
Speaker 2: like shit out of sight, out of mind, and I

517
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:41,400
Speaker 2: feel like dating is that?

518
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,880
Speaker 1: So how does that work? When you were swiping in Barcelona,

519
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,399
Speaker 1: different places? How does that work when long distance dating?

520
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,919
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you were talking a little bit about that.

521
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,239
Speaker 3: You were like, oh, two weeks, they have to come

522
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,840
Speaker 3: out two weeks. Yes, what I say is depending on

523
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 3: the location, because actually a lot of my clients get

524
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 3: into medium distance relationships, like two to three hours away.

525
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,880
Speaker 1: Atlanta, New York medium distance. Well maybe you're thinking car,

526
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:07,800
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, car.

527
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:12,439
Speaker 3: Yeah, car, right, So like Atlanta to Chattanooga, Atlanta to Charles,

528
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,480
Speaker 3: did right or whatever?

529
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 1: But flight too? Right?

530
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:21,400
Speaker 3: All right, go girl, do your thing. I always say

531
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 3: for long distance, he has to come and see you

532
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,639
Speaker 3: in the first month, in the first month, in the

533
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,880
Speaker 3: first month, Okay, in the first month if he if

534
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,119
Speaker 3: he's in New York and he's a well to do

535
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:36,160
Speaker 3: somebody and you're in California, it might take a while. Yeah,

536
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,600
Speaker 3: he might need to get to know you for a

537
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,440
Speaker 3: couple of weeks before making the determination that he wants

538
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:44,680
Speaker 3: to invest. In that way, even if he's well to do,

539
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,600
Speaker 3: it's not about money, it's.

540
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,200
Speaker 1: About the effort of him coming to you.

541
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:52,919
Speaker 3: Well, well, no, it's I'm talking about from the man's perspective.

542
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,440
Speaker 3: He has to know, especially if someone is smart and successful.

543
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,880
Speaker 3: The thing that I think people need to understand, and

544
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:05,960
Speaker 3: people coffee dates a lot of shit, but wealthier individuals

545
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:10,360
Speaker 3: will actually go on more informal coffee dates because they

546
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 3: want to know that the investment that they're about to

547
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 3: put into someone is going to be worth it. So

548
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,080
Speaker 3: they're doing their due diligence and they get to do that, right.

549
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,959
Speaker 3: So this is more about is this person someone that

550
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,840
Speaker 3: I want to invest with or not? What's the ROI potentially.

551
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:29,520
Speaker 2: In a three hours because the Internet is completely against

552
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,080
Speaker 2: the coffee the lunch.

553
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:34,399
Speaker 1: That was actually my next question. Let's see bunks some stuff.

554
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,239
Speaker 3: But I think but when you say the Internet, I

555
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:41,640
Speaker 3: think a lot of black women specifically are against coffee dates.

556
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:45,520
Speaker 3: And the reason is because a lot of their experience

557
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:49,160
Speaker 3: have been low effort and have been with men that

558
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,600
Speaker 3: never had the means to actually be ready for a relationship.

559
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:54,040
Speaker 2: Or they don't live in New York where they got

560
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 2: the Starbucks two story thing with cocktails.

561
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,640
Speaker 1: Y'all have been to that thing a Starbucks. Now, I

562
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 1: always the coffee wasn't enough for me, right, So for me,

563
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 1: it really wasn't the effort because to me, we go

564
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 1: for a walk in the Park Museum. To me, that

565
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,240
Speaker 1: can be super low effort. You're not spending money right.

566
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:15,120
Speaker 1: The coffee thing, I for some reason always felt like

567
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 1: there's people in and out, there's to go orders. It's

568
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,760
Speaker 1: not a date. Vibem girl to reserve, hit the reserve

569
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:22,880
Speaker 1: more than the money. To me, a little bit with.

570
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:26,440
Speaker 2: The coffee was maybe right after I drink this coffee,

571
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:28,160
Speaker 2: we got three minutes of talking and then I'm gonna

572
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 2: have to shit, Like and now I got a shit

573
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 2: on the first date.

574
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:33,560
Speaker 1: Like that's what coffee does to me, A literal thirty

575
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 1: minute dates, just a quick interview. But that's what I'm saying.

576
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 1: But then I ain't gonna be able to drink more coffee.

577
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:42,360
Speaker 1: Let's spunk one more splitting checks? Oh yeah, not bro.

578
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,720
Speaker 1: The internet we'll fight about that. We wonder do white

579
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,920
Speaker 1: people fight about that, because I'll see it on white Twitter.

580
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: But I know men paying for the first date and

581
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:52,239
Speaker 1: absolute for you.

582
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,120
Speaker 3: They have to pay for most of the dates, okay,

583
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:57,880
Speaker 3: if not all of them. I have my own strategy

584
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 3: and I help my clients, like date by date out

585
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,200
Speaker 3: exactly what they need to do, what kinds of dates

586
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:06,480
Speaker 3: they need to be honest, things like that it is very,

587
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:12,320
Speaker 3: very important that a man pays for a date because

588
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 3: what he is signaling is his potential to provide for you. Right,

589
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:22,040
Speaker 3: I think most of us are in agreement of that.

590
00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 3: What I think the backlash from men is is that

591
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 3: they don't want to feel like they're being used.

592
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,920
Speaker 1: For taking advantage of some of course.

593
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:34,040
Speaker 3: But also the dynamics have changed. When you look at

594
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:38,440
Speaker 3: the statistics and you actually break it out, single black

595
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,640
Speaker 3: women make more than single black men. I'm just talking

596
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:42,040
Speaker 3: about this.

597
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 1: Oh no, we know for the highest grade of entrepreneurs.

598
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:49,480
Speaker 3: If I'm making let's say sixty K and you're making

599
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,280
Speaker 3: ninety K, why do I have to take? Why do

600
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 3: I have to take? The brunt of all of this

601
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 3: is this is the mentality. And so that's why you're

602
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,720
Speaker 3: seeing so so much more fifty to fifty. We to

603
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:02,720
Speaker 3: burn having these conversations in the eighties and the nineties

604
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,960
Speaker 3: and even the early two thousands. Right, it has only

605
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 3: been since you know, kind of black women have been

606
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 3: killing the game most educated, right, amazing degrees, amazing jobs

607
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,880
Speaker 3: and things like that, where you're starting to get this conversation.

608
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:23,200
Speaker 1: And what way then can a woman to say, we've

609
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 1: gone on to her three dates.

610
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 2: I've heard men who after three dates she ain't even

611
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 2: offered she ain't offered a refield, a huka tip, so

612
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 2: that you know what I mean, Like, at what point

613
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:38,640
Speaker 2: can a woman show that she's interested without seeming to

614
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:40,120
Speaker 2: be masculine.

615
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 1: Or seeming to emsculate the man feel.

616
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:46,520
Speaker 3: Like He's what I tell my clients. So, like I

617
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,880
Speaker 3: was telling you, four, date three is an inflection point. Okay,

618
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,440
Speaker 3: So one of the things that I think will be

619
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 3: really important is don't offer to pay the check on

620
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 3: date three. What you do is you bring a small

621
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 3: gift to him on date three. Okay, that's twenty five

622
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:08,600
Speaker 3: twenty dollars or less thoughtful. Consider it something that he

623
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 3: wouldn't get for himself, that is based on his hobbies,

624
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,000
Speaker 3: his passion. Let's say he loves the Yankees. We're going

625
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 3: to get him a Yankee hat or some socks or

626
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 3: a shirt or something like that.

627
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 1: Oh it isn't cute, I like it.

628
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, understand this. When you do this, you're letting

629
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:27,960
Speaker 3: him know that you're not using him for he's not

630
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 3: a bank to you, and that you've heard him and

631
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 3: that you're thinking about him because he just wants to

632
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 3: be considered. You also have to understand that men do

633
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 3: not receive presents or gifts, and you can ask each

634
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,719
Speaker 3: and every one of them. They don't receive presents. They

635
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:45,680
Speaker 3: barely maybe even get a card from their mama. So

636
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,640
Speaker 3: when you give them a gift, what you will do

637
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,720
Speaker 3: is you will separate yourself from the other women out there,

638
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 3: and he will start to think of you as someone

639
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:56,960
Speaker 3: who is a potential girlfriend or wife and not just

640
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 3: someone that he's hanging out with.

641
00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: To be your protegect And I tell you, why not joking.

642
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,520
Speaker 1: The last person I dated, I got him a vinyl

643
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,200
Speaker 1: record on her fourth date. I don't know why, but

644
00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:12,360
Speaker 1: I did it, and he brought it up so often

645
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:14,400
Speaker 1: and it felt like nothing to me.

646
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,040
Speaker 3: It really is nothing, but it's everything to him.

647
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:19,480
Speaker 1: He was just like he would tell his friends. He

648
00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 1: would tell people Warrior meeting, like, oh my god, she

649
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,479
Speaker 1: did this gesture like she heard me bring up lovers rock.

650
00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 1: That's my favorite type of music. I was like, but

651
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:28,960
Speaker 1: I did want him to know I cared about it,

652
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 1: but I never thought about that, and I had started

653
00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 1: to tell girlfriends about that, and then of course the

654
00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 1: thing is, well, he didn't get me a gift yet,

655
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,720
Speaker 1: So why am I starting to give gifts for someone

656
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 1: who didn't give me a gift? That went Homegirls?

657
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,400
Speaker 2: We got it, I think sometimes we got to watch

658
00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 2: a little bit of our Homegirls. So the guy that

659
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:49,080
Speaker 2: you know that we'll talk anyways, one of my dudes

660
00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:52,680
Speaker 2: that I see. The very first time I met him,

661
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,920
Speaker 2: it was his birthday weekend, and I'm in the airport

662
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 2: and I'm like, shit, I know it's his birthday. So

663
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:00,479
Speaker 2: I go and I get him two colognes, and my

664
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:03,440
Speaker 2: friend probably got on me so bad.

665
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 1: We could mind you. He'd paid for my flight, paid

666
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:07,280
Speaker 1: for my room.

667
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,000
Speaker 2: I was having my own room, but I knew it

668
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,759
Speaker 2: was his birthday weekend, and so whether I would spend

669
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:13,399
Speaker 2: the whole weekend with him or not. I'm like, well,

670
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,239
Speaker 2: I should bring him something, And she got on me

671
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,319
Speaker 2: so hard because she was like, how you buying him

672
00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:19,800
Speaker 2: something before he buy you something?

673
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:22,480
Speaker 1: What kind of president is that? Now he gonna expect

674
00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:24,759
Speaker 1: So the fact that your friends even brought up to you,

675
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:26,720
Speaker 1: it felt so natural for me to do the same.

676
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:31,000
Speaker 1: But in the end, talking contrary, Mandy and I got

677
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,319
Speaker 1: into this conversation. I love to bring this up. We

678
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,359
Speaker 1: talked about that same guy I cooked for and we

679
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 1: were doing an episode with my mother years ago and

680
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:41,080
Speaker 1: she's like, I can't believe you're cooking for him so early.

681
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:44,040
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. My mother was a housewife, so all

682
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: of this stuff had already been in my brain. Just

683
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:48,359
Speaker 1: you know, shod make that one little meal, show him

684
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:52,080
Speaker 1: how you could be. If you know, we hear a

685
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 1: lot about women cooking for men. What is your opinion

686
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:59,399
Speaker 1: on doing too much as a woman, because we are

687
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:01,520
Speaker 1: supposed to so that we would be a great potential

688
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:05,319
Speaker 1: wife or girlfriend. How you oh, thank you said as

689
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,080
Speaker 1: doing too much? And still but you did just make

690
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,080
Speaker 1: that coment when it came to the gift. Now, in

691
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:10,200
Speaker 1: their head, that's what they're thinking.

692
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:12,759
Speaker 3: That's what they're thinking. But that doesn't need to be

693
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:17,440
Speaker 3: your motivation. Okay, there's a difference. Right, So you're doing

694
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:20,960
Speaker 3: it because he has he has shown you, he has invested,

695
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 3: he's paid for two dates. Right, So what you're showing

696
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 3: is a level of reciprocation, respect, appreciation, and acknowledgment for

697
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:31,320
Speaker 3: how he's shown up for you so far. And also

698
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:34,200
Speaker 3: what you will see if you choose to do this

699
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:38,759
Speaker 3: people that are listening, is that he will pay for

700
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 3: any date moving forward after that because he knows that

701
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:46,560
Speaker 3: you are someone that respects and honors that.

702
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:47,520
Speaker 1: Right.

703
00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:52,120
Speaker 3: I think this is important in terms of See, what

704
00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:55,759
Speaker 3: you're talking about is auditioning for a man. We don't

705
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:58,040
Speaker 3: do that. That's performance. And a lot of women are

706
00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:01,799
Speaker 3: conditioned and like you know, basically programmed to think that

707
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 3: they have to audition and perform to be chosen. And

708
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 3: what I'm here to do and for women to hear

709
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 3: is that you actually get to be the chooser, and

710
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:17,880
Speaker 3: women need to stop waiting to be chosen, right, and

711
00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:21,160
Speaker 3: you get to choose based on your boundaries. Right, you

712
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,960
Speaker 3: get to say no, that's not going to work for me. Right,

713
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:25,759
Speaker 3: And he has to kind of be in line with

714
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,000
Speaker 3: all of those or he's out.

715
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:35,040
Speaker 1: I have a serious question, not to be devil's advocation.

716
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: Please please these men that are out here dating, let

717
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:45,799
Speaker 1: them be black, attractive with a good job. How can

718
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:49,439
Speaker 1: a woman not show efforts? I get the gift thing,

719
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 1: but seriously, are we to think that there's not I

720
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:55,480
Speaker 1: just very rarely. I'm sure you can agree with this.

721
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 1: When dating a decent guy, you look at a picture

722
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:00,719
Speaker 1: of their ex. They're not just beautiful about a great job.

723
00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:03,319
Speaker 1: They're funny, they're smart, Like there's something about them. I've

724
00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:05,760
Speaker 1: been fans of two girls my boyfriends. I never compared.

725
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:08,319
Speaker 1: I never I'm get the ex. Well, what is the

726
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:11,560
Speaker 1: reason I'm talking coming, Mandy. I'm talking about men having

727
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:15,239
Speaker 1: amazing options of women, especially in these metropolitan cities. I'm

728
00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: never saying, oh my god, she's got more xyz than me.

729
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:21,640
Speaker 1: I'm just saying these girls are amazing, Like, why should

730
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 1: we be feeling like they're so lucky?

731
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:25,480
Speaker 3: Like?

732
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:28,239
Speaker 1: Because that is really where and what you're saying I'm

733
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:30,960
Speaker 1: not disagreeing with, because I do agree that women hold

734
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 1: a lot of power and choosing, but I also think

735
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:38,240
Speaker 1: men do too. A lot of these men are dating

736
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:41,960
Speaker 1: a bunch of amazing women, And how should there not

737
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,279
Speaker 1: be an audition because I'm kind of wanting them to

738
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,400
Speaker 1: do that for me? How are they just supposed to

739
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:49,520
Speaker 1: choose me off of great conversations from five days?

740
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 3: I think that's a great question. So let's take a

741
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 3: step back, because I think this this is really important,

742
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:59,240
Speaker 3: especially for Black women specifically. So just off the cuff,

743
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,759
Speaker 3: for every for every hundred Black women, there are eighty

744
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:05,600
Speaker 3: eight black men. So there are literally not enough of

745
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:11,360
Speaker 3: them to go around. And when you also focus in

746
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,000
Speaker 3: on the fact that they are interracially Black men are

747
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:17,040
Speaker 3: interracially dating three times the rate that black women are,

748
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:20,319
Speaker 3: there are really not enough to go around, especially in

749
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:24,160
Speaker 3: these metropolitan cities. There are probably twenty to twenty five

750
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:30,160
Speaker 3: percent more Black women than black men in DC, Houston,

751
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:33,160
Speaker 3: and all of these places. But this is the reason

752
00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 3: I'm giving you these numbers is so that you understand

753
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:39,240
Speaker 3: the dynamic. Similar to college, right, They're actually more women

754
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 3: going to college than men. And so what happens is

755
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:47,120
Speaker 3: these men have six to eight women that are chasing

756
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,839
Speaker 3: after them the will to do that have a lot

757
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:54,279
Speaker 3: going on, and they get to choose. And so one

758
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:57,560
Speaker 3: of the reasons why maybe I get a lot of

759
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:03,560
Speaker 3: views or controversy is I think that a lot of

760
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:06,000
Speaker 3: black women should date outside of their race. Oh we'll

761
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:06,840
Speaker 3: date everybody.

762
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,959
Speaker 1: That That's a lot of the content I've seen. Most

763
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,680
Speaker 1: of the time, I see people celebrate you, but when

764
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:13,879
Speaker 1: I see me and comments about you, it's those videos, right,

765
00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:15,799
Speaker 1: which to be honest.

766
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,160
Speaker 3: They hate, they hate, they hate that I say it,

767
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:18,440
Speaker 3: and that's yeah, I don't want to hear it.

768
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:22,400
Speaker 2: I personally now I know me and her recently on

769
00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:24,920
Speaker 2: an episode went back and forth about it, like when

770
00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:28,840
Speaker 2: I was talking about just mentally getting over the trauma

771
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:31,640
Speaker 2: of not really feeling safe with black men but still

772
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:34,400
Speaker 2: wanting to only be with and only being physically and

773
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 2: sexually attracted to them. I have zero desire to date

774
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 2: outside of black men. So when that seems to be

775
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:43,719
Speaker 2: normally the answer that people give me in terms of

776
00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:48,040
Speaker 2: my journey through dating and finding love, it's a little frustrating,

777
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:52,320
Speaker 2: Like personally and ironically it's coming from an interracial person,

778
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:58,200
Speaker 2: but interracial biracial. I'm like, oh wait, I'm off here

779
00:39:58,239 --> 00:40:01,279
Speaker 2: a little bit. But yes, so I do want to

780
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:02,840
Speaker 2: hear a little bit more of this than to me.

781
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 2: I understand the statistics and the odds. Again, I'm about

782
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:08,319
Speaker 2: to be moving to Atlanta, my friends live there. I

783
00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:12,720
Speaker 2: get it fucking hard, But why is that the answer?

784
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:18,359
Speaker 3: Because there's power and choice, okay, and you don't have

785
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,040
Speaker 3: much of a choice. When you only hyper focus on

786
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:27,040
Speaker 3: black men, you lose your powers. So I did a

787
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:30,560
Speaker 3: lot of videos about the statistics of this, right, and

788
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,759
Speaker 3: if you just if you just focus on black men,

789
00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:37,520
Speaker 3: you're really only looking at one and this is for

790
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:43,040
Speaker 3: relationship ready well to do. Right, You're looking at two

791
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:46,240
Speaker 3: percent of the population about to say two people thought.

792
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:49,839
Speaker 1: That's what it feels like. I thought it was a joke.

793
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,200
Speaker 3: But think about this, right, two percent of men out

794
00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 3: there that are relationship ready, that are ready to provide,

795
00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:01,840
Speaker 3: that are not gay, that are not in jail, that

796
00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:06,600
Speaker 3: all of this right, the emotional intelligence. What I'm telling,

797
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,440
Speaker 3: what I'm telling women is that when you and I'm

798
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:13,759
Speaker 3: not just saying white dudes, everybody, that you seven x

799
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:17,360
Speaker 3: your chances of being able to find your person because

800
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:24,080
Speaker 3: of the population that you are shopping in. Yeah, I'm here.

801
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:30,879
Speaker 3: I'm here to share that oftentimes what will happen is

802
00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:36,600
Speaker 3: I'm focused on Black women finding love and having the

803
00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 3: best person be with them. Right. I don't really care

804
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:47,239
Speaker 3: what package it's in. Ultimately a lot of black women do.

805
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:50,160
Speaker 3: But I do think it's important to understand that there's

806
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:54,080
Speaker 3: a passive and there's an active pressure to do so

807
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:59,840
Speaker 3: in the community. Of course, So I think it's important

808
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 3: to understand that some of this is manipulation. Some of

809
00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:09,400
Speaker 3: this is you can't do better. One. I hear a

810
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 3: lot you can't do better than us. Nobody wants you.

811
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:12,560
Speaker 1: Right.

812
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:16,920
Speaker 3: There's a lot of commentary, well, what about the black race?

813
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:19,800
Speaker 3: You have to you're in charge of keeping the black

814
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 3: race like going right. There's a lot of commentary that

815
00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:28,200
Speaker 3: is pressurized so that black women feel like they have

816
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:32,279
Speaker 3: to do this, whether it's conscious or subconscious. And I

817
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,120
Speaker 3: think it's very important to understand that if we were

818
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:38,640
Speaker 3: all born in China, y'all would be into Chinese men, right,

819
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:44,160
Speaker 3: So understand this right that this is also an exposure thing.

820
00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:46,920
Speaker 3: And I want to be really clear when I say this,

821
00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:53,320
Speaker 3: but sensitive. This is also this is also a trauma

822
00:42:53,440 --> 00:43:01,120
Speaker 3: response for a lot of our are unff failed relationships

823
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 3: with our fathers.

824
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,600
Speaker 1: Can I ask you, even even though I'm the woman

825
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:10,000
Speaker 1: with the black mother, I got the black dad, but

826
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:14,720
Speaker 1: I don't want ironically, I don't want anyone like my father.

827
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,719
Speaker 2: So for me only wanting a black man, I find

828
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:22,600
Speaker 2: that difficult. However, I will say in terms of my

829
00:43:22,719 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 2: experience with others, only hearing you talk makes sense. So

830
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,239
Speaker 2: my mom when she felt like she was done with

831
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:33,719
Speaker 2: black men because of just the failed relationships and she's

832
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:38,960
Speaker 2: a white woman, when she tried to step out the

833
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:42,080
Speaker 2: information that was brought back from her being on these

834
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,239
Speaker 2: dates was how she was hurt that none of them

835
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 2: wanted to come back and meet her three black daughters.

836
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:51,240
Speaker 2: So to me, knowing that my mom is a white woman,

837
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,640
Speaker 2: no other race ever wanted to like be with a

838
00:43:54,640 --> 00:43:57,920
Speaker 2: white woman with three black girls. I just never felt

839
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:01,120
Speaker 2: like any of them races wanted me, period. And then

840
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 2: I also went to all black schools, so that was

841
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:06,560
Speaker 2: my environment. That's what I grew up around, you know,

842
00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:09,680
Speaker 2: But I guess that's how I felt it. On the

843
00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:12,680
Speaker 2: other end, not really my dad, but but maybe my

844
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:13,480
Speaker 2: mom's experience.

845
00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:21,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, I again, if sometimes and it works both ways,

846
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,759
Speaker 3: if you have a great relationship with your dad, you

847
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:26,919
Speaker 3: want to kind of reinvent that. Right when you don't

848
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,440
Speaker 3: have a great relationship with your dad, you want to

849
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 3: rewrite history so that you still feel like the void

850
00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:37,919
Speaker 3: that you have with then is filled with your new

851
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:38,760
Speaker 3: black partner.

852
00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:42,799
Speaker 1: Does this connect with men with their mothers, because I

853
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 1: want my dad and I have a great relationship. And

854
00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:51,600
Speaker 1: there's one particular thing that my boyfriend just met him

855
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 1: for the first time, and I said so much, how

856
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:57,000
Speaker 1: my dad's very affectionate and kissy and cuddly with me,

857
00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,839
Speaker 1: and literally when we were in the car home, he's like, oh,

858
00:44:59,840 --> 00:45:02,880
Speaker 1: I get it, Like your dad is very protecting one

859
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,000
Speaker 1: of my dad's in a wheelchair. But still it's like

860
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:07,719
Speaker 1: making sure I'm doing this and that and making sure

861
00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:09,600
Speaker 1: I'm okay and seeing where I'm walking. And he's like,

862
00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:12,439
Speaker 1: I get why you think you need a man like this,

863
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,040
Speaker 1: because this is what you want. You watch your mom

864
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:17,919
Speaker 1: have this healthy relationships. You don't even see a guy

865
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:21,000
Speaker 1: another way. On the contrary, when it comes to men

866
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:24,200
Speaker 1: and their mothers, I've experienced, I'm very much a host,

867
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:26,840
Speaker 1: let me take care of your person, even with girlfriends,

868
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:29,319
Speaker 1: and almost every man I've dated except for this one,

869
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:32,799
Speaker 1: has a weird relationship with their mom. So I'm attracting

870
00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:36,759
Speaker 1: the guy who can't get off the tea basically because

871
00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:37,000
Speaker 1: I'm that.

872
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:42,040
Speaker 3: Girl that they're replacing you.

873
00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:43,239
Speaker 1: They want their mom to be.

874
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:47,120
Speaker 3: But that's what I'm saying, right, that's their core relationship.

875
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:50,279
Speaker 3: So that is how many times they are going to

876
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:54,560
Speaker 3: relate to women. So if their mother was overbearing and abusive,

877
00:45:55,680 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 3: they're going to probably be abusive toward women. They're not

878
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:00,799
Speaker 3: going to like women, and they're going to try to

879
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:03,200
Speaker 3: feel like they have control over women because they never

880
00:46:03,239 --> 00:46:06,040
Speaker 3: felt like they had control with their relationship with their mother.

881
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:10,439
Speaker 1: When it also like, it's just making me think now

882
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:15,440
Speaker 1: when it comes to dating and needing to express trauma,

883
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:18,400
Speaker 1: whether it be a relationship with your parents that are

884
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:20,959
Speaker 1: strained or whatever it might be, do you think these

885
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 1: things need to be spoken about before that two month mark, because,

886
00:46:24,239 --> 00:46:27,920
Speaker 1: to Wolfe's point, years insane. But I never really think

887
00:46:27,960 --> 00:46:30,440
Speaker 1: about a relationship in two to three months because a

888
00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: lot of those deep, dark secrets don't come out for

889
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:35,080
Speaker 1: me for a while. So can you tell me a

890
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:39,440
Speaker 1: little bit about what should be solved before the commitment.

891
00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:42,600
Speaker 3: That's a great question, and I think it really speaks

892
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 3: to the fact that a lot of people are getting

893
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:48,600
Speaker 3: into exclusive or committed relationships thinking like they have to

894
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 3: evaluate these people for marriage, and that's not necessarily the case.

895
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:56,160
Speaker 3: While you're in a you need to be in a relationship,

896
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:59,359
Speaker 3: my opinion, you need to be in a relationship with

897
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:04,560
Speaker 3: someone to see how they show up within an actual relationship.

898
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:08,480
Speaker 3: Meaning I have emotional responsibility for you, and you have

899
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:11,719
Speaker 3: emotional responsibility for me. And I'm going to start to

900
00:47:11,760 --> 00:47:14,839
Speaker 3: share with you more about myself right to think that

901
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,680
Speaker 3: you are going to know someone within two to three months.

902
00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:20,840
Speaker 3: I always say you probably know two to three percent

903
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:23,680
Speaker 3: of somebody every week one. You're getting to know them,

904
00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:26,960
Speaker 3: So just thinking like maybe you know a third of

905
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:31,160
Speaker 3: them well before you get into an actual committed relationship

906
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:34,080
Speaker 3: with them. The rest of the relationship is continuing to

907
00:47:34,080 --> 00:47:36,080
Speaker 3: get to know them and know them to maybe the

908
00:47:36,120 --> 00:47:38,959
Speaker 3: eighty percent mark, seventy eighty percent mark.

909
00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:43,040
Speaker 1: So you don't think it's bad then, and I right

910
00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:44,840
Speaker 1: now I can think of as the herent partner. He

911
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:47,560
Speaker 1: takes a lot of pride in not having many girlfriends

912
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:52,040
Speaker 1: because he takes dating more serious. However, on the contrary,

913
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:54,279
Speaker 1: if you're in relationships for two to three months as

914
00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:56,640
Speaker 1: a woman, he's like, you've had so many boyfriends, I

915
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:59,239
Speaker 1: can't even keep up. But I was that girl too, like, oh,

916
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:03,080
Speaker 1: if we're not you know exclusive amount. So do you

917
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:05,319
Speaker 1: think it may be wrong for people that are jumping

918
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:06,439
Speaker 1: into quickly.

919
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:10,480
Speaker 3: Well, I think everyone gets to date however. They want

920
00:48:10,560 --> 00:48:13,000
Speaker 3: to whatever feels good for them, right, and I would

921
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:16,040
Speaker 3: never want to deny someone if they feel like they're ready,

922
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:19,080
Speaker 3: even like my clients sometimes they feel like I'm ready

923
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:23,560
Speaker 3: and it's been two months, right, I might think that's

924
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 3: wait another month or so, But if they're ready, My

925
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:32,560
Speaker 3: job is to help my clients honor how they feel,

926
00:48:32,640 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 3: what their intuition is telling them, because I feel like

927
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:38,960
Speaker 3: an intuition really will not stray you, right, and I

928
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 3: want to make sure that women do trust that because

929
00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:44,399
Speaker 3: it's very important in the dating process. So, if you're

930
00:48:44,440 --> 00:48:47,840
Speaker 3: telling me that you are ready, who am I to

931
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:48,520
Speaker 3: say that you're not?

932
00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:50,880
Speaker 1: Can I? Can? I ask you then a question, especially

933
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:52,840
Speaker 1: with this being a horrible decision, setting a note on

934
00:48:52,840 --> 00:48:57,360
Speaker 1: my phone, especially especially talking about intuition, What if I

935
00:48:57,360 --> 00:48:59,480
Speaker 1: have the intuition to suck your dick on the first night,

936
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,160
Speaker 1: What do you tell your clients who maybe introduce sex

937
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:06,759
Speaker 1: early on with somebody? That was my question, they continue

938
00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:10,480
Speaker 1: to have sex and then feelings evolved, or like, how

939
00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:12,319
Speaker 1: do you make sure that you're not cut off or

940
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:15,120
Speaker 1: just seen as the fun girl or just the sex

941
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:17,359
Speaker 1: partner if you actually do want more.

942
00:49:17,719 --> 00:49:19,239
Speaker 3: But I don't want to call it a mistake, but

943
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:20,920
Speaker 3: you you has into a category.

944
00:49:21,160 --> 00:49:23,839
Speaker 1: It's Steve Harvey's right, but you will be moved into

945
00:49:23,880 --> 00:49:24,520
Speaker 1: that category.

946
00:49:24,680 --> 00:49:26,360
Speaker 3: You will be moved into that category.

947
00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:27,040
Speaker 1: First night.

948
00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:30,239
Speaker 3: I spoke. I spoke about this in a video, and

949
00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:35,080
Speaker 3: I think that men often put you in categories very early.

950
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:39,000
Speaker 3: Whether you are kind of the desperate girl, whether you

951
00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:42,480
Speaker 3: are the good time girl, He'll put you in a

952
00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:46,120
Speaker 3: good time girl, whether you're the good enough girl, whether

953
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:51,040
Speaker 3: you are the dream girl, whether you are the out

954
00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:51,879
Speaker 3: of his lead girl.

955
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:52,439
Speaker 1: Right.

956
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:54,600
Speaker 3: That was a video that I did a while ago,

957
00:49:54,880 --> 00:50:01,120
Speaker 3: and I got that concept from a profile called Feminine Universe. Yeah,

958
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:05,000
Speaker 3: and it it is one hundred percent correct. Now I'm

959
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 3: someone women, y'all do whatever you want to do as

960
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:11,440
Speaker 3: your body, right. I know for sure though that it

961
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:15,160
Speaker 3: probably will not help you in the courtship. A couple

962
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:20,520
Speaker 3: of things happen one when no, let's just say sex

963
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:26,040
Speaker 3: in general, right, I know that women get chemically bonded

964
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:28,840
Speaker 3: to men when they have sex with them. Most women,

965
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:31,200
Speaker 3: some women can hit it and quit it and not

966
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:35,719
Speaker 3: think twice. You will be And we all know that girl. Yeah,

967
00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:40,560
Speaker 3: that girl right here who is he? You know, who

968
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:43,000
Speaker 3: has had sex with the guy. Everyone around her knows

969
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:46,560
Speaker 3: that that guy's not worth shit, but she literally is

970
00:50:46,600 --> 00:50:49,799
Speaker 3: addicted to him because she is chemically bonded to him

971
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 3: based on the orgasm that she had. These are all

972
00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:55,360
Speaker 3: chemicals and hormones that are happening that are affecting the

973
00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:59,040
Speaker 3: way that you're reasoning. On the flip side, what happens

974
00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:03,400
Speaker 3: when a guy has is especially early on and the

975
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:08,640
Speaker 3: emotional connection hasn't really happened, is he has a bonding

976
00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:14,799
Speaker 3: hormone called vasopressin, and his vasopressin will decrease after he

977
00:51:14,880 --> 00:51:18,840
Speaker 3: has sex, so it will make him want to This.

978
00:51:18,960 --> 00:51:26,359
Speaker 1: Is science science. Sciency was not clarity. Now I want

979
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:29,040
Speaker 1: to ask you, guys, because from I have so many

980
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:32,200
Speaker 1: male friends, what you just said completely agree. One of

981
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:34,760
Speaker 1: my male friends is in his mid forties, dating divorced.

982
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,600
Speaker 1: I really think he just said to me those words,

983
00:51:37,840 --> 00:51:39,400
Speaker 1: I met my dream girl. I don't know if, like

984
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:41,520
Speaker 1: I'm ready for her, that's what he said. I don't

985
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:43,120
Speaker 1: know if I'm ready for her. But like my dream

986
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:45,600
Speaker 1: girl sent me a photo, told me your job, and

987
00:51:45,640 --> 00:51:47,320
Speaker 1: he told me about a fun girl. And I'm like,

988
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:49,399
Speaker 1: oh my god, what you're saying is so true. The

989
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:52,560
Speaker 1: list in his roster is literally broken up into that.

990
00:51:52,840 --> 00:51:54,879
Speaker 1: He even said one day he had too many fun

991
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:56,759
Speaker 1: girls on the roster. He's like, now it's time for

992
00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:59,440
Speaker 1: usmart one and we're laughing about it. He's single doors right,

993
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:02,600
Speaker 1: like you're in your face, But like, would y'all agree

994
00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:06,879
Speaker 1: you have those we keep Really, I don't think this

995
00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:11,000
Speaker 1: group of guys is like that. I disagree. I don't

996
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:12,920
Speaker 1: think this group of guys I talked three out of

997
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,960
Speaker 1: four about I've heard them say mainly, I mean Wolf

998
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:18,040
Speaker 1: was in a relationship. There is in a relationship, and

999
00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:20,520
Speaker 1: so we've talked so much about that. But yeah, I

1000
00:52:20,520 --> 00:52:23,120
Speaker 1: mean I think y'all have even said stuff like this.

1001
00:52:23,160 --> 00:52:25,319
Speaker 1: I mean, especially you, Dave. But it's fine three am

1002
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:38,520
Speaker 1: Drug Talks.

1003
00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:36,279
Speaker 3: Show and you probably about like a gonna answer me.

1004
00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:40,640
Speaker 1: These guys are I'm going to save the room, And

1005
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:42,719
Speaker 1: she's like, actually, no, don't say them. They don't want

1006
00:52:42,719 --> 00:52:47,200
Speaker 1: to be saved. That's crazy pie theory. I really loved

1007
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,960
Speaker 1: what you said. I think that would help women so much.

1008
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:52,799
Speaker 1: Just hearing about how to date? Can you tell us

1009
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:54,200
Speaker 1: a little bit about how you came up with that

1010
00:52:54,320 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 1: and if you've if you've learned that throughout the fifteen years,

1011
00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:58,960
Speaker 1: if you always kind of started with that.

1012
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:04,040
Speaker 3: No, No, it's something that continues to evolve and develop

1013
00:53:04,239 --> 00:53:07,600
Speaker 3: with time. Right, So PI really stands for a physical

1014
00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:11,640
Speaker 3: intellectual and emotional connection. Right, And I always tell my

1015
00:53:11,719 --> 00:53:14,759
Speaker 3: clients and for you all out there as well, you

1016
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:19,359
Speaker 3: want to after every date, after every month, you want

1017
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:22,200
Speaker 3: to be evaluating how the date was and how he

1018
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:27,359
Speaker 3: is physical, intellectual, emotional, and take the average of that.

1019
00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:28,160
Speaker 1: Right.

1020
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:34,960
Speaker 3: So, let's say he's a seven physical, but like a

1021
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:39,759
Speaker 3: ten intellectual and emotional. I want to let you know

1022
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:43,160
Speaker 3: that's the tea code that you want.

1023
00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:47,440
Speaker 1: But I actually go like a ten seven seven seven.

1024
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:50,000
Speaker 3: But that's what I was saying before, right, that we

1025
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:53,719
Speaker 3: many of us, will hyper focus on the physical because

1026
00:53:53,920 --> 00:53:57,000
Speaker 3: our emotional we get to develop it. We need to

1027
00:53:57,040 --> 00:54:00,120
Speaker 3: develop it a little bit more so because I know

1028
00:54:00,200 --> 00:54:01,960
Speaker 3: that if he starts out at a seven, he might

1029
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:05,840
Speaker 3: grow to a nine with time. Right. So, but I

1030
00:54:06,320 --> 00:54:14,480
Speaker 3: also want women to also take into consideration the financial Okay, right,

1031
00:54:14,719 --> 00:54:18,279
Speaker 3: hi is its own thing. But he might have it all.

1032
00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:20,759
Speaker 3: He might be hot, he might be smart, he might

1033
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:23,360
Speaker 3: have emotional capacity, but he might be poor.

1034
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:33,040
Speaker 1: How can you ruin your life? Okay? I mean I

1035
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:34,920
Speaker 1: think that that's what you have to consider. Now.

1036
00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:39,359
Speaker 3: You you might, you must like you must, it will.

1037
00:54:39,440 --> 00:54:41,879
Speaker 3: But the other thing is he's gonna bring me one

1038
00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:46,920
Speaker 3: with two especially if you are dating and you are

1039
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:50,760
Speaker 3: a smart and successful woman, you need to find someone

1040
00:54:50,840 --> 00:54:55,000
Speaker 3: that makes at at least eighty percent of what you make.

1041
00:54:55,800 --> 00:54:57,080
Speaker 1: Okay, I like that math.

1042
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:02,040
Speaker 3: Why do I say that a man who made significantly

1043
00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:07,240
Speaker 3: less than you do will always feel emasculated, will always

1044
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:10,000
Speaker 3: feel inadequate. And what that means is that he will

1045
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:12,480
Speaker 3: try to humble you, and he will try to bring

1046
00:55:12,520 --> 00:55:15,080
Speaker 3: you down was this level so that he feels better

1047
00:55:15,080 --> 00:55:15,760
Speaker 3: about himself.

1048
00:55:16,760 --> 00:55:21,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, I did not see that really with my ex

1049
00:55:21,440 --> 00:55:26,600
Speaker 1: until the growth, So I hadn't really expect to meet

1050
00:55:26,640 --> 00:55:28,239
Speaker 1: someone that was making eighty percent of what I made,

1051
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:30,279
Speaker 1: But I realized through growing there were a lot of

1052
00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:33,520
Speaker 1: little comments. He wasn't an abusive guy or really even

1053
00:55:33,520 --> 00:55:35,279
Speaker 1: a mean guy, but just this little stuff for his

1054
00:55:35,320 --> 00:55:37,840
Speaker 1: own ego where he would start to say, oh, you

1055
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:39,840
Speaker 1: see how now you're doing your photo shoot with essence?

1056
00:55:39,840 --> 00:55:41,480
Speaker 1: I remember that day who puts you on to wear

1057
00:55:41,520 --> 00:55:45,520
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, And I'm like, who cares? Literally

1058
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:49,520
Speaker 1: just say all look good? But I agree, there's these

1059
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:51,640
Speaker 1: little things they'll try to pick out to make you

1060
00:55:51,680 --> 00:55:56,200
Speaker 1: feel smaller. And I do see some differences with financial

1061
00:55:56,200 --> 00:56:00,000
Speaker 1: status in today's culture. I'm curious a lot of women

1062
00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:03,560
Speaker 1: or meeting men because it's so easy to access a celebrity,

1063
00:56:03,840 --> 00:56:07,480
Speaker 1: a podcaster, an athlete. What has been your advice when

1064
00:56:07,520 --> 00:56:11,000
Speaker 1: women are dating famous men, Because I haven't seen that

1065
00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:12,640
Speaker 1: my friends have been successful at all with it.

1066
00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:18,839
Speaker 3: Don't simple don't.

1067
00:56:20,680 --> 00:56:23,000
Speaker 1: Or let them be yours or toys.

1068
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:28,680
Speaker 3: Even that can be really tricky, okay, because you will

1069
00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:31,239
Speaker 3: get enamored with the lifestyle and then you will want

1070
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:34,440
Speaker 3: to really truly be a part of it. Okay, I

1071
00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:37,239
Speaker 3: say don't be for a number of reasons. So let's

1072
00:56:37,239 --> 00:56:42,160
Speaker 3: just say athlete right all day every day. This person

1073
00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:46,040
Speaker 3: is the center of attention, so by being in a

1074
00:56:46,080 --> 00:56:48,799
Speaker 3: relationship with him, you will you will always be a

1075
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:54,280
Speaker 3: second class citizen in your own relationship, okay, which doesn't

1076
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:59,560
Speaker 3: feel good for anybody. Secondly, you also have to understand

1077
00:56:59,560 --> 00:57:02,320
Speaker 3: that the the reason why this person got to where

1078
00:57:02,440 --> 00:57:06,000
Speaker 3: he is, I'll just put it for him, is that

1079
00:57:06,719 --> 00:57:12,200
Speaker 3: he has always strived for better, better, better. He's always

1080
00:57:12,320 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 3: wanting to improve, and he will often want you to

1081
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:19,400
Speaker 3: do the same thing and not accept you for who

1082
00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:23,080
Speaker 3: you are, to want you better. And if he doesn't

1083
00:57:23,080 --> 00:57:27,240
Speaker 3: want if you don't become better, he will cheat on you.

1084
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:29,600
Speaker 1: Why did we just have a conversation we did. One

1085
00:57:29,640 --> 00:57:35,120
Speaker 1: of my friends, he's making past one hundred million dollars,

1086
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:38,720
Speaker 1: started dating a girl that worked at TJ mex obsessed

1087
00:57:38,720 --> 00:57:41,960
Speaker 1: with her. Thought she was so smart, she was in

1088
00:57:41,960 --> 00:57:45,000
Speaker 1: a managerial role, she is gorgeous. But he's like, I'm happy,

1089
00:57:45,040 --> 00:57:47,760
Speaker 1: I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy. A few months ago,

1090
00:57:47,920 --> 00:57:51,480
Speaker 1: someone asked for a follow up about this and asked

1091
00:57:51,560 --> 00:57:53,680
Speaker 1: him what happened with her. He said, she broke up

1092
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:56,320
Speaker 1: with me. I'm like, why, he's like. She said that

1093
00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:59,760
Speaker 1: she always felt for me, like she wasn't good enough,

1094
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:02,280
Speaker 1: but I never made her feel that way. He said, really,

1095
00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:04,560
Speaker 1: are you sure? And he said, I mean there were

1096
00:58:04,600 --> 00:58:06,680
Speaker 1: moments where I'd say things to her like you could

1097
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:10,760
Speaker 1: be doing X, y Z, I'll pay for you, and so, yeah,

1098
00:58:10,800 --> 00:58:13,680
Speaker 1: she just wasn't interested. She likes working in retail. She

1099
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:16,000
Speaker 1: came from the bottom up. He said. He kept trying

1100
00:58:16,000 --> 00:58:17,400
Speaker 1: to push her. And he said, but how was I

1101
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:22,640
Speaker 1: the person that's wrong when I'm just being supportive and

1102
00:58:23,120 --> 00:58:25,520
Speaker 1: I completely agree with you. How could he not date

1103
00:58:25,520 --> 00:58:28,800
Speaker 1: someone else who's another TV exec or whatever indition? She'll

1104
00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:31,680
Speaker 1: never maybe be one hundred millionaire. But yeah, I can

1105
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:33,880
Speaker 1: see that you may never be good enough.

1106
00:58:34,120 --> 00:58:38,360
Speaker 3: Yeah. The last point I will make, which I mean

1107
00:58:38,560 --> 00:58:41,960
Speaker 3: some girls will like this, some girls won't, is that

1108
00:58:42,840 --> 00:58:46,400
Speaker 3: for those sorts of individuals, you will need to be

1109
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:50,400
Speaker 3: more open sexually because they may be into kinkyears yam,

1110
00:58:50,840 --> 00:58:54,880
Speaker 3: yeah and is and you can't you know. I love

1111
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:57,960
Speaker 3: McDonald's fries and if I had it three times a

1112
00:58:58,040 --> 00:59:00,520
Speaker 3: day for an entire month, at some point point I

1113
00:59:00,520 --> 00:59:02,400
Speaker 3: would need onion onion rings.

1114
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:04,160
Speaker 1: So what so.

1115
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:09,040
Speaker 3: What does that mean? That means like I might get

1116
00:59:09,040 --> 00:59:15,440
Speaker 3: into men, I might get into a variety of different things, right, Yeah,

1117
00:59:15,480 --> 00:59:18,240
Speaker 3: So I think it's important, like if you're going to

1118
00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:19,600
Speaker 3: do that, be ready for that.

1119
00:59:19,520 --> 00:59:22,480
Speaker 1: But also be a match for that. And girls that

1120
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:26,560
Speaker 1: have always talked about sexual freedom expression, we're bisexual, and

1121
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:29,400
Speaker 1: I meet so many women that are getting into relationships

1122
00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:33,400
Speaker 1: with men that are having a threesome because the man wants.

1123
00:59:33,400 --> 00:59:36,200
Speaker 1: You know, if you don't want to taste it, I

1124
00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:38,840
Speaker 1: don't think you should be jumping in there. But again,

1125
00:59:38,960 --> 00:59:41,240
Speaker 1: I think finding someone who's with the matching lifestyle is

1126
00:59:41,240 --> 00:59:44,400
Speaker 1: more fitted just one quick one any revise advice you've

1127
00:59:44,400 --> 00:59:47,400
Speaker 1: given that you regret, Maybe that whereas the times have

1128
00:59:47,520 --> 00:59:50,440
Speaker 1: changed in fifteen years of dating. Even if you gave

1129
00:59:50,480 --> 00:59:53,080
Speaker 1: advice we being fifty to fifty, find it anything. Has

1130
00:59:53,120 --> 00:59:54,280
Speaker 1: there been something that you're like.

1131
00:59:55,200 --> 01:00:01,600
Speaker 3: Nah, that's a good question. I think it's more specific,

1132
01:00:01,760 --> 01:00:04,800
Speaker 3: like it's really sometimes it's really tricky to be a

1133
01:00:04,880 --> 01:00:08,200
Speaker 3: dating coach for grown ass people, right, and so earlier

1134
01:00:08,280 --> 01:00:12,360
Speaker 3: on in my career if my client said I'm doing this,

1135
01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:15,040
Speaker 3: Da da da da da, go girl, do it, do it.

1136
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:21,440
Speaker 3: But what I've learned as I've continued to coach is

1137
01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:26,880
Speaker 3: that sometimes you sometimes pushing back does help and saying actually,

1138
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,720
Speaker 3: I know, I don't think this is a good idea,

1139
01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:31,920
Speaker 3: and I'm going to tell you why to help to

1140
01:00:32,080 --> 01:00:36,080
Speaker 3: protect them from doing things or engaging with people that

1141
01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:40,400
Speaker 3: really aren't for them. So I think it's it's not

1142
01:00:40,440 --> 01:00:44,160
Speaker 3: necessarily a specific piece of advice. I think me not

1143
01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:48,400
Speaker 3: saying something when I should have is like the thing

1144
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:51,520
Speaker 3: that I would regret, like, oh, you're going to do this.

1145
01:00:52,280 --> 01:00:53,920
Speaker 3: You know you're going to be in his car and

1146
01:00:54,360 --> 01:00:59,480
Speaker 3: date one or go to his house on date two. Okay, Now,

1147
01:00:59,520 --> 01:01:03,600
Speaker 3: as a coach, I'm firm with that's not really kind

1148
01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:06,600
Speaker 3: of the perspective of my program, like, I would not

1149
01:01:06,640 --> 01:01:09,360
Speaker 3: suggest this, and I'm going to tell you the seventeen

1150
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:12,120
Speaker 3: reasons why. Right. They get to still do it if

1151
01:01:12,120 --> 01:01:14,200
Speaker 3: they want to, but at least my conscious is clear

1152
01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:16,240
Speaker 3: and I know that I've done everything that I can

1153
01:01:16,320 --> 01:01:18,040
Speaker 3: to keep my clients as safe as possible.

1154
01:01:18,120 --> 01:01:20,240
Speaker 1: I want to sponsor a program for someone of our

1155
01:01:20,240 --> 01:01:22,040
Speaker 1: listeners that really feel like they need it and may

1156
01:01:22,040 --> 01:01:23,560
Speaker 1: not be able to afford it. But I'm also like,

1157
01:01:23,600 --> 01:01:25,080
Speaker 1: I want you to do it. I don't know if

1158
01:01:25,080 --> 01:01:27,160
Speaker 1: we could talk numbers, but please let them know.

1159
01:01:28,040 --> 01:01:30,200
Speaker 3: It's in the four figures for sure.

1160
01:01:30,160 --> 01:01:32,280
Speaker 1: It's in the fourth figure. Yeah, okay, I'll do study

1161
01:01:32,320 --> 01:01:37,080
Speaker 1: for seed. Can we do a payment plan? Like?

1162
01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:40,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, we have tons of payment plans available.

1163
01:01:39,960 --> 01:01:42,919
Speaker 1: And so your program is it's targeted just for them?

1164
01:01:43,000 --> 01:01:44,520
Speaker 1: And how long is it? Yeah?

1165
01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:47,960
Speaker 3: So I work specifically with black and brown women, and

1166
01:01:48,240 --> 01:01:50,920
Speaker 3: it's anywhere from six to twelve months. Most of my

1167
01:01:50,960 --> 01:01:53,480
Speaker 3: clients will get their guide between let's say months six

1168
01:01:53,560 --> 01:01:57,680
Speaker 3: and nine. But if you're in Atlanta, Texas, Florida, California

1169
01:01:57,760 --> 01:01:59,760
Speaker 3: is probably going to take you twelve to fifteen months.

1170
01:02:00,040 --> 01:02:02,520
Speaker 1: Wow, that's a really honest answer, and that is worth

1171
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:05,480
Speaker 1: four figures if it's six months to a year. Okay,

1172
01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:08,960
Speaker 1: Now I'm for real. I want a lot of our

1173
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:11,680
Speaker 1: where hid when we do this. Next downhol Seriously tell

1174
01:02:11,720 --> 01:02:15,840
Speaker 1: me if you're considering this, I really believe in what

1175
01:02:15,880 --> 01:02:19,400
Speaker 1: you're saying. I feel like most pieces of advice I

1176
01:02:19,480 --> 01:02:21,960
Speaker 1: hear maybe don't relate. But a lot of the things

1177
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:25,640
Speaker 1: you've said have either worked for me or I've heard elsewhere.

1178
01:02:25,720 --> 01:02:28,439
Speaker 1: So I really believe in this, specifically for black women

1179
01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:30,880
Speaker 1: that are listening and that I know we've had so

1180
01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:33,360
Speaker 1: much trouble dating. This show is what USA at eight

1181
01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:36,000
Speaker 1: years at eight a A it's seven seven and change

1182
01:02:36,560 --> 01:02:38,840
Speaker 1: almost eight. We wouldn't have content if they weren't bad.

1183
01:02:38,880 --> 01:02:41,600
Speaker 1: If we had you on episode three instead of four hundred,

1184
01:02:42,400 --> 01:02:45,120
Speaker 1: we may have not about a show. So please samples off.

1185
01:02:45,120 --> 01:02:48,880
Speaker 1: We in at four hundred yet, but keep going. Please

1186
01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:51,280
Speaker 1: tell people where to find you and how they can

1187
01:02:51,280 --> 01:02:52,520
Speaker 1: connect best with you. Yeah.

1188
01:02:52,600 --> 01:02:55,560
Speaker 3: So on socials, I am dating coach anwar A and

1189
01:02:55,800 --> 01:02:58,160
Speaker 3: w A R. You can go to my website get

1190
01:02:58,160 --> 01:03:01,600
Speaker 3: your Guy Coaching dot com if you are interested in

1191
01:03:01,680 --> 01:03:03,680
Speaker 3: learning a little bit more about what I do, or

1192
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:05,760
Speaker 3: you can book a call on the website if you

1193
01:03:06,360 --> 01:03:08,760
Speaker 3: want to figure out a little bit more about my programs.

1194
01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:11,240
Speaker 2: By the way, if you are listening to us on

1195
01:03:11,600 --> 01:03:15,959
Speaker 2: Apple or the iHeartRadio app or tuning in watching us

1196
01:03:16,280 --> 01:03:19,040
Speaker 2: on YouTube, all of that information will be in the

1197
01:03:19,120 --> 01:03:21,920
Speaker 2: description of this week's episode, so make sure you go

1198
01:03:21,960 --> 01:03:25,600
Speaker 2: ahead and click those links. Also, make sure you subscribe Hello,

1199
01:03:25,720 --> 01:03:28,960
Speaker 2: leave a comment, rate review all the things help us

1200
01:03:28,960 --> 01:03:31,640
Speaker 2: climb the charts, and if you want more bonus content,

1201
01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:34,640
Speaker 2: Weezy mentioned the town Hall. Make sure you join us

1202
01:03:34,640 --> 01:03:37,560
Speaker 2: on Patreon. Once a month we record an episode with

1203
01:03:37,760 --> 01:03:39,600
Speaker 2: all of you. I think last month we had about

1204
01:03:39,800 --> 01:03:42,640
Speaker 2: one hundred and twenty something people up in there joining us,

1205
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,360
Speaker 2: and they're also up to date on our fucked up lives,

1206
01:03:45,720 --> 01:03:48,919
Speaker 2: well mind fucked up, not so much yours anyways. Join

1207
01:03:49,040 --> 01:03:53,560
Speaker 2: us on Patreon. That'spatreon dot com. Backslash horrible Decisions.

1208
01:03:53,600 --> 01:03:56,000
Speaker 1: I'm literally just thinking it up. Pricing this is just sorabdd.

1209
01:03:56,480 --> 01:04:00,240
Speaker 1: My homegirl just paid twelve thousand. She's in her forty

1210
01:04:00,680 --> 01:04:04,320
Speaker 1: she lives in Atlanta. Maybe it's millionaire matchmaker, not just matchmaker.

1211
01:04:04,480 --> 01:04:06,680
Speaker 1: I think she's like finding someone that's just like really

1212
01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:08,880
Speaker 1: targeted and serious and just for you to say it's

1213
01:04:09,120 --> 01:04:13,840
Speaker 1: four figures. I'm like, I do think that is probably nine.

1214
01:04:15,880 --> 01:04:17,840
Speaker 3: By the way, can I just say something, if you're

1215
01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:20,720
Speaker 3: a black woman, do not get a matchmaker. They will,

1216
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:23,920
Speaker 3: they will, don't ever get a matchmaker.

1217
01:04:24,120 --> 01:04:29,320
Speaker 1: Now we gotta do a part too, dating coach versus matchmaker. Okay, okay,

1218
01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:32,960
Speaker 1: there's something she she hired a matchmaker, not a coach. Yep, understood.

1219
01:04:33,000 --> 01:04:35,880
Speaker 3: Well I know she did, he said, I know.

1220
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:39,840
Speaker 1: And that's why your friends saying that's what. Thank y'all.

1221
01:04:39,920 --> 01:04:45,160
Speaker 2: This has been yet another episode of poor decisions. So

1222
01:04:45,400 --> 01:04:48,600
Speaker 2: I guess before I started, I I wanted to give

1223
01:04:48,680 --> 01:04:51,680
Speaker 2: like my own voicemail to you guys, because I would

1224
01:04:51,720 --> 01:04:53,720
Speaker 2: love to know your thoughts.

1225
01:04:54,360 --> 01:04:57,320
Speaker 1: I'm recording with Weezy in a little bit, but I'm like.

1226
01:04:57,920 --> 01:05:02,120
Speaker 2: I don't have my thoughts all together just yet on

1227
01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:06,000
Speaker 2: how to express this, and so I just kind of

1228
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:08,440
Speaker 2: wanted y'all to drop your comments on maybe where I'm at.

1229
01:05:08,520 --> 01:05:12,040
Speaker 2: So I had therapy yesterday and I'm in this weird

1230
01:05:12,080 --> 01:05:14,680
Speaker 2: place on battling if.

1231
01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:15,800
Speaker 1: I'm a good person or not.

1232
01:05:16,080 --> 01:05:19,720
Speaker 2: And it's because of my current thoughts in how I

1233
01:05:19,760 --> 01:05:22,520
Speaker 2: want to show up romantically, how I want to show

1234
01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:26,400
Speaker 2: up for people, like right now I hate people, which

1235
01:05:26,480 --> 01:05:29,440
Speaker 2: is crazy because I'm a very social person, but I

1236
01:05:29,720 --> 01:05:36,040
Speaker 2: have recently just feel like I felt like my my

1237
01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:42,360
Speaker 2: social battery is completely drained and where normally it recharges, bitch,

1238
01:05:42,400 --> 01:05:48,240
Speaker 2: it's not. It's it's not recharging how I'm used to Romantically.

1239
01:05:49,040 --> 01:05:54,440
Speaker 2: I'm in this kerfuffle, right, y'all have heard by now

1240
01:05:54,560 --> 01:05:57,200
Speaker 2: that I went on a date with a couple, and

1241
01:05:58,080 --> 01:06:02,800
Speaker 2: I'm trying to figure out even if my need to

1242
01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:06,040
Speaker 2: want to be Polly is so that I could only

1243
01:06:06,160 --> 01:06:10,840
Speaker 2: give but so much to somebody. I'm battling with the

1244
01:06:10,920 --> 01:06:15,080
Speaker 2: idea that a relationship you have to give someone your all,

1245
01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:19,840
Speaker 2: and baby, I don't have it. And I don't want

1246
01:06:19,840 --> 01:06:22,840
Speaker 2: to show up the bare minimum in relationships because I

1247
01:06:22,880 --> 01:06:26,160
Speaker 2: know I put so much effort into my friendships and

1248
01:06:26,200 --> 01:06:30,400
Speaker 2: into my work, but romantically and in terms of even

1249
01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:36,960
Speaker 2: making new platonic relationships. Your girling got it. And I

1250
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:38,960
Speaker 2: don't know if it's because I feel like I've received

1251
01:06:39,040 --> 01:06:43,400
Speaker 2: the bare minimum when I gave my all. Also, just

1252
01:06:43,480 --> 01:06:46,480
Speaker 2: like and y'all know, I no longer have that other

1253
01:06:46,520 --> 01:06:52,680
Speaker 2: podcast that relationship. I feel like I am what's the word,

1254
01:06:52,960 --> 01:06:55,240
Speaker 2: I'm not mourning it because I don't miss it. I'm

1255
01:06:55,240 --> 01:06:59,760
Speaker 2: not grieving it, but it's one of those where it's like, bitch, like,

1256
01:06:59,840 --> 01:07:01,960
Speaker 2: for all that I've done, this is where I end.

1257
01:07:02,560 --> 01:07:04,800
Speaker 2: And to know that that's like the same feeling I

1258
01:07:04,840 --> 01:07:08,560
Speaker 2: had with my last relationship and my ex. I am

1259
01:07:08,760 --> 01:07:13,520
Speaker 2: really just like I fucking hate people, And so when

1260
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:15,800
Speaker 2: I'm questioning if I'm a good person or not, I'm

1261
01:07:15,840 --> 01:07:20,160
Speaker 2: just like, is it okay that I only want to

1262
01:07:20,200 --> 01:07:22,080
Speaker 2: show up and give the bare minimum right now?

1263
01:07:22,680 --> 01:07:22,800
Speaker 1: Like?

1264
01:07:23,360 --> 01:07:26,800
Speaker 2: Am I allowed to be this selfish and it be okay?

1265
01:07:27,040 --> 01:07:31,000
Speaker 2: Like am I able to say I really want to

1266
01:07:31,000 --> 01:07:33,840
Speaker 2: see you tomorrow and then maybe I don't want to

1267
01:07:34,080 --> 01:07:35,720
Speaker 2: text or talk to you for two days?

1268
01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:38,400
Speaker 1: And is that okay? And is that acceptable?

1269
01:07:39,760 --> 01:07:43,080
Speaker 2: Like because I accept it, Like I don't need someone

1270
01:07:43,160 --> 01:07:45,200
Speaker 2: to hit me all day every day. I think you

1271
01:07:45,200 --> 01:07:47,320
Speaker 2: guys heard me and Weezy go back and forth on

1272
01:07:47,360 --> 01:07:50,480
Speaker 2: that too, Like I think that's why a relationship right

1273
01:07:50,480 --> 01:07:52,320
Speaker 2: now just sounds like everything I would hate.

1274
01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:55,520
Speaker 1: But is that me just wanting to show up as

1275
01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:57,840
Speaker 1: a shitty person? I don't know.

1276
01:07:58,080 --> 01:08:00,760
Speaker 2: So if you guys, if you understan what I'm saying,

1277
01:08:00,840 --> 01:08:02,040
Speaker 2: write it in the comments.

1278
01:08:03,560 --> 01:08:06,000
Speaker 1: Is being selfish? Does that make you a bad person.

1279
01:08:06,840 --> 01:08:10,040
Speaker 2: Does wanting to show up in a way that only

1280
01:08:10,080 --> 01:08:16,759
Speaker 2: serves you bad am? I like, drop your I hope

1281
01:08:16,880 --> 01:08:20,439
Speaker 2: any of you guys are even you know, I actually

1282
01:08:20,439 --> 01:08:23,040
Speaker 2: don't hope any of you guys are on the same

1283
01:08:24,040 --> 01:08:26,759
Speaker 2: plane as me right now, because it sucks, like because

1284
01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:30,680
Speaker 2: I love giving. I love being a giver. Y'all know

1285
01:08:30,720 --> 01:08:36,720
Speaker 2: that I'm a pleaser and baby right now, I just

1286
01:08:36,960 --> 01:08:41,559
Speaker 2: I don't know. And it's been it's been since it's

1287
01:08:41,600 --> 01:08:45,240
Speaker 2: been this year. I think touring with Tonight's conversations and

1288
01:08:45,280 --> 01:08:48,120
Speaker 2: being around all those rooms and all those personalities for

1289
01:08:48,160 --> 01:08:51,360
Speaker 2: about five months, touring the breakup of see the thing

1290
01:08:51,520 --> 01:08:57,000
Speaker 2: is a weezy and ized relationship demands a lot in

1291
01:08:57,120 --> 01:09:02,360
Speaker 2: order to just communicate effectively, finally getting over my ex

1292
01:09:02,439 --> 01:09:05,720
Speaker 2: but running into him and reliving all of those feelings,

1293
01:09:06,080 --> 01:09:08,920
Speaker 2: and then just business wise, like people just being shitty,

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01:09:09,439 --> 01:09:11,880
Speaker 2: the Internet being really shitty, and I think a part

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01:09:11,920 --> 01:09:15,040
Speaker 2: of I know y'all will say, bitch, stop reading the comments,

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01:09:15,240 --> 01:09:17,519
Speaker 2: bitch shop reading the comments. It's a lot harder than

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01:09:17,520 --> 01:09:21,559
Speaker 2: you guys think, and so I think it's difficult where

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01:09:22,360 --> 01:09:25,479
Speaker 2: I'm questioning how I show up while the Internet is

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01:09:25,520 --> 01:09:29,439
Speaker 2: also telling me I'm undeserving of love. I'm undeserving of

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01:09:30,200 --> 01:09:32,800
Speaker 2: you know, Aman, I would never put a ring on

1301
01:09:32,800 --> 01:09:35,400
Speaker 2: my finger anyway, So bitch what you're talking about? So

1302
01:09:35,520 --> 01:09:38,960
Speaker 2: you just called a segment from our bonus content.

1303
01:09:38,720 --> 01:09:41,679
Speaker 1: Over on Patreon. We have so much more bonus content,

1304
01:09:41,840 --> 01:09:46,840
Speaker 1: BTS live episodes, hundreds of hours. How are you not subscribed?

1305
01:09:47,000 --> 01:09:50,960
Speaker 1: Go right now Patreon dot com backslash Rebel Decisions