WEBVTT - High-Conflict Divorce? You Need a BOSS! 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:17.840 Hi guys, It's Jenny Garth and we are back for 0:00:18.200 --> 0:00:21.880 part two of my conversation with Samantha Boss. Who is 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:27.040 the boss when it comes to divorce coaching. I love 0:00:27.320 --> 0:00:29.800 this whole business model that you've It feels like you've 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:33.519 created this space, this white space that everybody in this 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:36.239 situation needs. And also it feels like you are on 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:40.600 you help the person feel like we're a team. I'm 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:44.199 your biggest fan, I'm your cheerleader, and I'm also your quarterback. 0:00:44.240 --> 0:00:45.800 Let's do this. Here's what we're going to do. 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:48.279 And everybody's case is different. And I think that's why 0:00:48.320 --> 0:00:50.520 I get so frustrated with certain lawyers is they want 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:53.479 to use the same template on everybody. And nowadays, we 0:00:53.560 --> 0:00:56.840 have kids with severe medical issues. We got military, we 0:00:56.920 --> 0:00:59.600 got shift workers, we got people that want to homeschool, 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.600 we got you know, holistic and not wanting to do 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:05.959 doctors a point. We got all kinds of people out there. 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:09.920 Why are our parenting plans not custom to our family? 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:12.680 Why are we using a template from the state of Indiana, 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:15.080 you know, the state of California. We're going to use 0:01:15.120 --> 0:01:17.959 the same template that the last six families got dished out. 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:21.560 But all six families have different dynamics. That is the 0:01:21.560 --> 0:01:24.480 part that really blows my mind. And I hope someday, someday, 0:01:24.560 --> 0:01:26.960 soon I can get in front of judges and lawyers 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:29.640 and say these have to be custom these cannot be 0:01:29.800 --> 0:01:32.840 just boilerplate stamp it. Oh, yep, use the guidelines from 0:01:32.840 --> 0:01:36.000 the state. No, it can't, because kids are the ones 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:37.960 that fall through the cracks when that happens. 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:38.920 Yep, because this. 0:01:38.959 --> 0:01:40.760 Is really all about the kids. I mean, this isn't 0:01:40.800 --> 0:01:42.960 about I know I've been stating, you know, me having 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:44.280 to work with my ex, me having to work with 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:46.520 When I have to work with my ex, my kids 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:49.080 get a different version of me that they don't want. 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:53.320 My kids want the peaceful mom, the happy mom, the 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:55.600 one that's not triggered, the one that doesn't feel threatened, 0:01:55.600 --> 0:01:58.640 the one that doesn't feel bothered. That's what my kids want. 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:00.280 But if I have to continue to worry work with 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:03.040 him and he does his high conflict bullshit on me, 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:06.080 I'm going to always comply because I don't know boundaries yet, 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:08.280 and then my kids are getting a bad version of me. 0:02:08.440 --> 0:02:10.040 So the kids are the ones that pay the price 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:11.400 if your parenting plan is not good. 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:14.600 They absolutely do. I think it's really cool that your 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:17.520 kids know the ins and outs of what you're talking 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:21.680 about and they have also their own experience of it. Unfortunately, 0:02:22.200 --> 0:02:25.200 but it sounds like they, you know, it would be 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:27.400 very cool if they were on their way to helping 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:29.240 other young people. 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:31.760 I know they will. They're going to deny it right now, 0:02:31.800 --> 0:02:34.120 but when they come and do trainings with me, as 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:36.600 soon as they get off, they're like, Okay, I was like, 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:38.920 how's that feel. They're like, first off, that was exhausting, 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:43.000 but they're like, that feels so good to share because 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:45.080 I know my story even though they don't paint me 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:47.480 as a rainbow unicorn mom. You know, they're like, that 0:02:47.639 --> 0:02:49.800 story is going to help other moms not make the 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:51.920 mistake you made. And I'm like, hell yeah, because I 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:54.400 was a dysregulated mom those first eight years. I'll be honest. 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:56.760 I was a screamer. I was a yeller. I was 0:02:56.760 --> 0:02:58.840 a goal play with your brother, you know, like because 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:02.560 I had to focus on pause yeah, yeah, you know, 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:06.120 and I wasn't attentive to them. I was so distracted 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:08.520 with bullshit that I was a shit mom and I 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:10.520 was just angry all the time or I'd go on 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:14.160 a cleaning rampage, and they were just like walking on 0:03:14.200 --> 0:03:16.240 eggshells in my house. Now all of us have had 0:03:16.240 --> 0:03:18.520 a shit ton of therapy together and separately, so we're 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:20.840 all better. And I offered for them. I'm like, hey, 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:22.920 is it okay if I share your stories? Absolutely? I mean, 0:03:22.960 --> 0:03:25.240 because they're healed through their therapy. Of like, yeah, that's 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:27.440 our past. But if our past can help other people 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:30.600 share it, let's do it. They love doing trainings. They 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:30.960 love it. 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:34.040 I would too. It's just helping somebody on second when 0:03:34.040 --> 0:03:37.280 they need it so badly. Okay. So I think that 0:03:37.600 --> 0:03:40.520 one of the things that I realized in my situation 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:44.520 through my divorce that became a really big problem was 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:48.800 that me and my ex we talked way too much 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:52.800 over text messages, which is not good in terms of, 0:03:53.000 --> 0:03:56.040 you know, you can't tell someone's tone or if what 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:59.560 you're saying is being heard and effective in the right 0:03:59.600 --> 0:04:03.400 way you and you can read so much into text messaging, 0:04:03.520 --> 0:04:06.920 and we just didn't want to talk to each other, 0:04:07.000 --> 0:04:10.640 so we fell into firing off texts whether they were 0:04:10.640 --> 0:04:13.120 good or bad, and you know, and being short with 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:16.120 each other and then putting the phone down and walking away, 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:18.800 which was so infuriating when you know, you're like, I 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:21.120 really need to work this out with you right now. 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:24.000 Right right, Well, a couple of things. Number one, good 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:25.919 parenting plan. You won't have to talk as much, you know, 0:04:25.920 --> 0:04:27.520 if you cover all the detail and you won't have 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:29.840 to be communicating as much. Number two, I mean, I 0:04:29.839 --> 0:04:32.160 don't know how old you are, but I was before 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:35.840 the whole apps were out, you know, texting was like 0:04:36.080 --> 0:04:37.760 T nine. Ing had just came out when I was 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:39.919 getting a divorce. That's how old I am. So like 0:04:40.080 --> 0:04:41.560 people were like, why didn't you use an app? I'm like, 0:04:41.600 --> 0:04:44.680 they weren't invented yet. Okay, people were actually still calling 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:47.480 people on the phone and having to talk. So I think, 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:49.599 first and foremost an app to you know, so you 0:04:49.600 --> 0:04:51.880 have your really good parenting plan to limit plan out 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:53.440 as much as you can in there. But then if 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:56.559 something does fall through a sickness, a transportation issue something 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:58.080 like that, or hey I need to switch a holiday, 0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:00.440 or hey I have to work or whatever, that's when 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:02.520 we got to go through the app. And or I 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:05.400 recommend my clients to always develop an email that's just 0:05:05.480 --> 0:05:08.520 for divorce and co parenting and school stuff, something that's 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:11.080 not your work email, that's not your personal email that's 0:05:11.160 --> 0:05:14.960 designed for I know, I'm only checking this when I'm 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:17.760 ready to think about divorce and co parenting, and so 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:19.599 you don't get a hold of me right now on 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:22.000 my work computer and ding get to blow up my day, 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:24.840 Ding interrupt my mood. You know, it's an email that's 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:27.120 completely separate that maybe you only have on your iPad. 0:05:27.200 --> 0:05:30.000 That's a good idea, or check somewhere else. But even still, 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:32.480 we talk a lot about I run a private membership 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:34.960 for moms only call the Next Chapter, and I do 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:37.480 it with my bestie Lea Marie, and I always say 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:39.440 she's the pretty calm one and I'm the high maintenance, 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:42.080 like off the wall, in your face, you know, person 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:44.359 in our group. But we run a membership group where 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:47.440 we give trainings on specific stuff like this, where we 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:49.520 break down and say, okay, if you're a thumb warrior, 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:51.599 we got to train you through like why are you 0:05:51.680 --> 0:05:54.080 so emotionally dysregulated? Why do you feel the urge to 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:57.240 defend yourself against someone that's never going to agree with you? 0:05:57.240 --> 0:05:57.440 You know? 0:05:57.520 --> 0:05:59.360 And we break that down as to why, why why, 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:01.160 and we teach them gray Rock and we teach him 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:03.680 how to use chat GBT, but the apps are where 0:06:03.680 --> 0:06:06.039 it's at, you know. That way, everything that does get 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:09.320 said could possibly be read by a third party professional 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:12.120 and then evaluate who is the problem. But yeah, the 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:13.960 whole urge to go back. A lot of that is 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:17.000 just a self worth issue. You feel like you have 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:19.680 to defend against someone that's never going to change their 0:06:19.760 --> 0:06:21.359 judgment on you whatsoever. 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:23.280 Or you're not right with them and you want to 0:06:23.320 --> 0:06:25.560 be heard, but you're not going to be heard that way. 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:28.440 Yeah. Never. They're never going to receive what you're delivering, 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:30.760 not the way you meant to deliver it. They will 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:34.640 always receive it differently. Like I tell the story all 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:36.760 the time of my ex husband. I sent him, you know, 0:06:36.960 --> 0:06:40.160 a message on email back in the day and I said, hey, Walker, 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:42.680 our oldest lost his tooth and I sent a picture 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:45.919 and he said, you know, why are you sending me this? 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:48.080 I knew his tooth was loose, and I said, I know, 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:50.039 I was just sharing with you. He goes, the tooth 0:06:50.080 --> 0:06:51.719 has been loose for a week. How did you not 0:06:51.880 --> 0:06:55.160 know that? Oh, you're right, Like, because I didn't tell 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:56.720 him the tooth was loose. A couple of weeks ago 0:06:56.760 --> 0:06:59.279 when I didn't. It's just something so that I thought 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.000 would be joyful, I thought triggering me. I thought it 0:07:02.040 --> 0:07:04.360 would be just the thing to like get us on this, like, oh, 0:07:04.360 --> 0:07:06.640 thanks for letting me see you the picture. It was 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:09.120 as soon as I told him, I got braided of 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:11.160 how you know, I didn't take care of the tooth. 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:12.840 That's probably why it was lost, because I don't brush 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:16.160 his teeth. It was just everything I ever did got 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:18.360 turned twist and hooked upside down to how I was 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:21.760 the bad person and I was a slow learner. Eight years. 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:23.600 I did that shit until my kids looked me dead 0:07:23.600 --> 0:07:24.920 in the face of the kitchen table one day and 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:27.760 they said, would you just stop? He hates you. Would 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:30.360 you just stop? You're embarrassing yourself. And that's when I 0:07:30.360 --> 0:07:31.640 went to therapy and I was like, this is what 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.520 my kid just said. She's like, oh gosh, oh gosh, 0:07:34.600 --> 0:07:37.120 we have some work to do. We have Yeah, if 0:07:37.160 --> 0:07:39.560 your kids told you this after this many years, it's 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:41.760 been bad for a while and you've had blinders. 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:43.960 On m Yeah, because they don't want to tell mom 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:45.800 she's not doing well. Mm hmm. 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:47.120 And I was not doing well. 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:49.400 And they don't want to see mom doing not doing well. 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:50.960 No, and they were just sick of me getting my 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:52.680 feelings hurt. But it was like I was stepping into 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:54.800 the pile of shit every time on my own, you know, 0:07:54.840 --> 0:07:56.520 I got out of the car, I walked up to 0:07:56.600 --> 0:07:58.680 him at sporting events, I was engaging with him like 0:07:58.680 --> 0:08:01.120 because I thought, I want everybody see that I'm not 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:02.600 the problem. I want my kids to see I'm not 0:08:02.680 --> 0:08:04.440 the problem. Like, look at me being nice. I look 0:08:04.480 --> 0:08:07.480 like fucking Mary Poppins. Everywhere I went like joy, Joy, Joy, 0:08:07.880 --> 0:08:10.040 and then he's just blah blah blah. And it was 0:08:10.080 --> 0:08:12.280 just it was humiliating what I put myself through because 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:14.800 I didn't know what boundaries. I didn't know I could 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:16.600 say no. I didn't know I could stay in the car. 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:18.520 I didn't know. I didn't have to talk to him 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:20.800 like I felt obligated too, because I had a court 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.760 system saying be the better parent, be flexible, be a 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:26.400 good girl. Let the judge like you don't be a problem. 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:28.440 So I didn't know what that meant to me. It 0:08:28.480 --> 0:08:32.120 met kisses ass and it wasn't hey teach boundaries because 0:08:32.160 --> 0:08:35.240 what ended up happening by me not having boundaries is 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:38.720 both my children became people pleasers, and then they lost 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:41.640 themselves for a while, and then I found boundaries, and 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:43.640 then man, they jumped on the bandwagon right after me. 0:08:43.840 --> 0:08:45.880 And now they're both bad asses and very independent and 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:47.800 do whatever the hell they want, whoever they want, when 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:49.480 they want. But that took a lot of work for 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:50.319 us all to get there. 0:09:00.520 --> 0:09:03.240 Oh my god, I feel like I'm listening to my 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:06.920 life played back for me in so many of these situations, 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:11.480 so I can really see how being I mean, at first, 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:13.400 I was like a membership. I don't want to be 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:16.480 a member of the divorce People's Club, Like that doesn't 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:20.000 sound fun. But now hearing you explain it, you call 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:21.040 it the next chapter. 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:23.240 We call it the next chapter. It's a monthly membership. 0:09:23.240 --> 0:09:25.760 We give a new training every Monday. There's one hundred 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:27.880 hours worth of trainings already in there, and then we 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:29.600 run two q and as a month, so you can 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:32.640 post a question, jump on, or just watch the recording. 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:35.720 So it's all women right now that are all dealing 0:09:35.760 --> 0:09:38.800 with high conflict divorces or high conflict co parting journey, 0:09:38.840 --> 0:09:40.640 so that they're in that middle phase, right they were 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:43.520 just married, and we are that middle ground of like, 0:09:43.600 --> 0:09:45.440 let me build you back up, sister, let me give 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:47.520 you all the tools. We have stuff in there about finances, 0:09:47.559 --> 0:09:50.640 about fitness, about money, about parenting as a single parent, 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:52.840 discipline as a single parent, how to do it when 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:55.840 your kids don't want to go all kinds of stuff, 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:58.760 of like stuff they're too ashamed to ask people. You know, 0:09:59.040 --> 0:10:01.640 you're too embarrassed, or you're just like, I don't anybody 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:04.840 know how toxic this shit is. Hang out with strangers, don't. 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:08.000 They don't know, they don't know. And we are building 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:11.400 such a great safe community for people to be vulnerable 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:14.839 and open up. We gave a training yesterday about boundaries 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:17.720 and I just spoke some truth about I sucked at boundaries, 0:10:17.760 --> 0:10:20.480 and I couldn't believe how many women were like, I'm ashamed, 0:10:20.480 --> 0:10:22.079 but I do this too, I do this too. I'm 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:24.440 too scared. I'm too And it's just like, I think 0:10:24.520 --> 0:10:26.400 that was a game changer for every woman on there 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:28.439 to hear that here's this woman on you know, their 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:30.400 their social media all the time that they look up 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:32.760 to that I didn't have it all together at all 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:34.760 for eight years. So I just want I don't want 0:10:34.800 --> 0:10:37.000 women to lose eight years. I want them to lose 0:10:37.040 --> 0:10:39.680 eight weeks and they figured it all out and they're good, 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:42.160 not eight years like I did. I lost eight years 0:10:42.200 --> 0:10:44.640 with my kids because I was just attracted with bullshit. 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:46.520 That sucks, it does. 0:10:47.280 --> 0:10:49.760 I'm so sorry for you. I'm so sorry for me. 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:52.559 I haven't calculated the amount of years that I lost, 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:55.600 but it's probably about eight ears, honest to God, of 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:58.599 me being in my own torture device. 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.240 Because nobody was talking about it back then. You know, 0:11:01.320 --> 0:11:03.280 nobody was talking and there wasn't TikTok and all these 0:11:03.280 --> 0:11:04.720 social media, and it was embarrassing. 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:07.839 I didn't want to talk about it because I felt 0:11:07.840 --> 0:11:10.599 like I was a failure. I had done this. It 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:11.880 was my fault somehow. 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:14.079 Yeah, there's just. 0:11:14.080 --> 0:11:18.719 So many emotions that take over your mind and situations like. 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:21.120 That exactly, and so I think that's why I love 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:23.480 doing it. You know, like some people may be embarrassed, 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:25.120 They're like, I can't believe you just told that story. 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:27.840 I used to smoke and drink in my garage once 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:28.600 my kids went to bed. 0:11:29.080 --> 0:11:30.440 Okay, I love you so much. 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:31.520 That's how I put it. 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:33.960 Was in your garage were you sitting in a lawn 0:11:34.000 --> 0:11:34.480 chair at all. 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:36.480 No, I was sitting on the steps to the door, 0:11:37.559 --> 0:11:39.679 and I hid the cigarettes and the tennis shoes right 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:42.120 next to the door. Like I didn't make it hard. 0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:47.120 I didn't make it hard. But I quit smoking when 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:49.400 my son caught me at a golf outing one time. 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:51.640 I took a drag off someone's cigarette and he was like, 0:11:51.720 --> 0:11:54.520 that's disgusting. And I was like, okay, girl, it's about time. 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:56.880 Do you get your shit together? And that was right 0:11:56.880 --> 0:11:59.000 when my awakening started to happen, of like, do you 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:01.480 even love yourself? You know, like you're so worried about 0:12:01.480 --> 0:12:04.160 this man being nice to you that hates your gutsy? 0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:06.440 You love yourself? Right now? Are you proud of yourself? 0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:08.960 And it was it was a deep dive and you 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:10.880 own it and that's just. 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:12.880 What it takes. That's what it takes. I had a 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:15.480 I thought I was going to go to this therapist 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:17.040 and we were going to save our marriage. But I 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:19.200 didn't know we were going to this therapist and he 0:12:19.240 --> 0:12:22.280 had planned to end our marriage at that session. And 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:26.920 I remember one thing from that therapy session, and it 0:12:27.040 --> 0:12:30.880 was the therapist looking meat straight in my eyes. And saying, Jenny, 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:33.880 why do you want to love a man who doesn't 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:38.840 love you? Ouch? Okay, I gotta go now, like it 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:40.040 just like hit so hard. 0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:43.079 Well, that goes with divorce and coparenting. So my kids 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:45.000 were basically telling me, and this is what my therapist 0:12:45.080 --> 0:12:47.840 later said, why are you treating him with kind words 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:50.079 when he disrespects you? What are your kids going to 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:52.800 do when they're future boyfriend or employer or peer treats 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:54.880 them like shit? Are you? You're gonna want your kids 0:12:54.920 --> 0:12:57.560 to fuck you, you know, and stand up for themselves. 0:12:57.559 --> 0:13:00.000 But what are they mirroring right now? They're watching you 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:02.840 still go back to a man that keeps treating in 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:05.040 front of them. He was not shy. He would do 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:06.959 this in front of them and talk about me behind 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:09.520 my back to them, and then they're watching you still 0:13:09.559 --> 0:13:12.480 be Mary Poppins all the time, like no way, You're 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:15.360 gonna have to show them what boundaries and getting rid 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:16.160 of people. 0:13:15.880 --> 0:13:19.960 And knowing you're worth like yes, finding out like I 0:13:20.040 --> 0:13:23.920 actually my time, my words, this is all I'm worth 0:13:24.000 --> 0:13:25.040 something more than yes. 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:27.800 Yeah, yeah, I just got that tattoo worth on my 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:32.880 arm because I absolutely did. Because that word I think 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:37.360 is What saved me is I'm worthy of being special 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:40.800 like this. I'm not defined by him saying you're a 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:43.199 piece of shit, Mom, You're this, You're that. I have 0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:45.280 worth And that's why I'm good at my job is 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:47.440 because I can. I do have value. I am an 0:13:47.440 --> 0:13:47.880 expert in. 0:13:47.960 --> 0:13:50.600 I recognize that in yourself. Yeah, and it's amazing. 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:52.280 I have two more kids with my husband who are 0:13:52.280 --> 0:13:54.320 only six and five because I'm crazy and had kids 0:13:54.320 --> 0:13:58.120 at forty Oh yeah, yeah, whoe is right? And the 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:02.080 way I parent these two hindsight, Like. I have emotional 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:05.559 stories like out the wazoo of looking back on how 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:08.240 much I was not emotionally regulated for the first two 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:11.040 and how I am now. And even when my bigs 0:14:11.080 --> 0:14:13.960 come home, they're like, these two have it fucking easy, man, Like, 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:16.320 they don't see you crazy. They don't see you bouncing 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:18.280 off the walls, yell and scream and crying, you know, 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:20.880 throwing a fit, raging, you know whatever. And I'm not. 0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:23.760 I'm at peace now because I know my self worth 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:26.200 and back then I didn't. And again, thank god we 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:28.600 had therapy and I've worked through things with the big kids. 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:32.080 But they recognize it and they're proud of me. You 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:33.640 know that I put the work in so that their 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:36.640 brothers have different lives than what they have had. But yeah, 0:14:36.640 --> 0:14:38.400 there was a lot of things that happened for my kids. 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:40.720 And I know there's women out there and dads who 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:43.320 are emotionally disregulated, and you got to figure it out. 0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:46.600 You have value, you have worth, and you should love 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:48.440 yourself and you got to work on all that shit 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:50.400 before you can ever be able to deliver it to 0:14:50.440 --> 0:14:54.600 your kids, ever be able to find somebody new and again, 0:14:54.640 --> 0:14:56.840 my business partner, Leah, she jumped from one marriage to 0:14:56.880 --> 0:14:59.680 the next because she didn't have worth, you know, and 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:01.600 then then she worked on it and then she found 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:02.440 the man of her dreams. 0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:05.920 It takes work, yes, and nobody wants to do that work, 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:10.000 spending time with yourself, listening to yourself, like loving yourself 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:11.040 up when. 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:13.760 It's not easy, exactly exactly. 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:16.640 So, so I have goosebumps for you because I'm so 0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:21.640 happy that you've found your worth and you have, you know, 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:25.680 this feeling of assuredness behind you now, like that you 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.680 just unstoppable. But that's what happens to us women, you know, 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:32.960 we sometimes it might take some other some people longer 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:36.360 than others to learn these important things, but we all 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:37.400 eventually learned them. 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:40.640 Absolutely. I mean, I'm glad I learned them. I'm sorry 0:15:40.680 --> 0:15:43.360 it took eight years, but I have eight years worth 0:15:43.400 --> 0:15:46.720 of great moments to be able to teach other women about. 0:15:47.000 --> 0:16:01.000 That's right. What about co hosting birthday parties for your 0:16:01.080 --> 0:16:03.360 kids when you're going through a high conflict divorce. Should 0:16:03.360 --> 0:16:06.400 you avoid that? Should you be hosting them together separately? 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:08.240 What has what do you think? 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:10.440 I'm a rip the band aid off. We're doing everything 0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:12.480 separate from here on out. And here's why. And this 0:16:12.520 --> 0:16:15.720 is where people and divorce have blinders on, because they're 0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:18.160 doing what they think the children want and what they 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:21.440 think that will appear as in unity. Kids act different 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:24.360 with each parent. I don't care even if you're married 0:16:24.440 --> 0:16:25.840 your kids. When one of you is home and the 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:27.600 other one comes home, your kids flip a little bit 0:16:27.640 --> 0:16:30.080 and act a little bit different. Nothing could be more 0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:32.720 true in a divorce setting, especially one of high conflict. 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:35.960 You know, my Joe was one example. She was a bubbly, 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:39.160 you know, singing, dancing, spinning down the hallway type of 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:41.400 kid when she was with me. She was very reserved 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:43.320 with her dad, so if we would have had a 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:45.760 birthday party together, she would have had to pick which 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:48.480 personality she wanted to be, and hands down, kids always 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:51.520 picked the high conflict personality parent to cater to because 0:16:51.520 --> 0:16:54.520 they fear loss of love or that parent being like 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:56.600 why are you acting that way? You know, judgment. So 0:16:57.040 --> 0:16:59.720 having them together, it's not always what your kids want. 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:01.040 I know, maybe you have a six year old or 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:03.200 a seven year old and divorce is fresh and they're like, yes, 0:17:03.240 --> 0:17:05.200 I want you both there, blah blah blah. That's great, 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:09.359 But ultimately I also have to ask what's my self worth? 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:12.560 Do I put myself in a binding position for an 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:14.879 hour and a half just to please my child, So 0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:17.000 then I'm frozen in fear for an hour and a 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:18.679 half that he's going to come in my ear or 0:17:18.680 --> 0:17:20.800 say something to me, or embarrass me, or you know, 0:17:20.880 --> 0:17:23.280 talk to the whole room about I'm not putting myself 0:17:23.280 --> 0:17:25.879 in that position. I have higher value of myself, so 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:28.720 I'm not going to even put myself there. So I'm 0:17:28.720 --> 0:17:32.439 ten out of ten do not recommend no separate. I 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:34.080 can have a great party. And here's what you'll realize 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.080 in going through divorce. One of you will be the 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:37.919 friend party person, and one of you will be the 0:17:37.920 --> 0:17:40.000 family party person. One of you will be the scavenger 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:42.240 hunt person, that's who I am. One of you will 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:44.480 be the you know, slip away for a holiday, you know, 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:47.320