1 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,840 Speaker 1: Hi guys, It's Jenny Garth and we are back for 2 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: part two of my conversation with Samantha Boss. Who is 3 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:27,040 Speaker 1: the boss when it comes to divorce coaching. I love 4 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: this whole business model that you've It feels like you've 5 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:33,519 Speaker 1: created this space, this white space that everybody in this 6 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,239 Speaker 1: situation needs. And also it feels like you are on 7 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 1: you help the person feel like we're a team. I'm 8 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,199 Speaker 1: your biggest fan, I'm your cheerleader, and I'm also your quarterback. 9 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: Let's do this. Here's what we're going to do. 10 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,279 Speaker 2: And everybody's case is different. And I think that's why 11 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,520 Speaker 2: I get so frustrated with certain lawyers is they want 12 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 2: to use the same template on everybody. And nowadays, we 13 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 2: have kids with severe medical issues. We got military, we 14 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 2: got shift workers, we got people that want to homeschool, 15 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 2: we got you know, holistic and not wanting to do 16 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,959 Speaker 2: doctors a point. We got all kinds of people out there. 17 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 2: Why are our parenting plans not custom to our family? 18 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:12,680 Speaker 2: Why are we using a template from the state of Indiana, 19 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:15,080 Speaker 2: you know, the state of California. We're going to use 20 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,959 Speaker 2: the same template that the last six families got dished out. 21 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 2: But all six families have different dynamics. That is the 22 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 2: part that really blows my mind. And I hope someday, someday, 23 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,960 Speaker 2: soon I can get in front of judges and lawyers 24 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 2: and say these have to be custom these cannot be 25 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,840 Speaker 2: just boilerplate stamp it. Oh, yep, use the guidelines from 26 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,000 Speaker 2: the state. No, it can't, because kids are the ones 27 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:37,960 Speaker 2: that fall through the cracks when that happens. 28 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 1: Yep, because this. 29 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:40,760 Speaker 2: Is really all about the kids. I mean, this isn't 30 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,960 Speaker 2: about I know I've been stating, you know, me having 31 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 2: to work with my ex, me having to work with 32 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 2: When I have to work with my ex, my kids 33 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 2: get a different version of me that they don't want. 34 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 2: My kids want the peaceful mom, the happy mom, the 35 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 2: one that's not triggered, the one that doesn't feel threatened, 36 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 2: the one that doesn't feel bothered. That's what my kids want. 37 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,280 Speaker 2: But if I have to continue to worry work with 38 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 2: him and he does his high conflict bullshit on me, 39 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 2: I'm going to always comply because I don't know boundaries yet, 40 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 2: and then my kids are getting a bad version of me. 41 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 2: So the kids are the ones that pay the price 42 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 2: if your parenting plan is not good. 43 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:14,600 Speaker 1: They absolutely do. I think it's really cool that your 44 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: kids know the ins and outs of what you're talking 45 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: about and they have also their own experience of it. Unfortunately, 46 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 1: but it sounds like they, you know, it would be 47 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: very cool if they were on their way to helping 48 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 1: other young people. 49 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 2: I know they will. They're going to deny it right now, 50 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 2: but when they come and do trainings with me, as 51 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 2: soon as they get off, they're like, Okay, I was like, 52 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 2: how's that feel. They're like, first off, that was exhausting, 53 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 2: but they're like, that feels so good to share because 54 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,080 Speaker 2: I know my story even though they don't paint me 55 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 2: as a rainbow unicorn mom. You know, they're like, that 56 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:49,800 Speaker 2: story is going to help other moms not make the 57 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,920 Speaker 2: mistake you made. And I'm like, hell yeah, because I 58 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 2: was a dysregulated mom those first eight years. I'll be honest. 59 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 2: I was a screamer. I was a yeller. I was 60 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 2: a goal play with your brother, you know, like because 61 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,560 Speaker 2: I had to focus on pause yeah, yeah, you know, 62 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 2: and I wasn't attentive to them. I was so distracted 63 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,520 Speaker 2: with bullshit that I was a shit mom and I 64 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 2: was just angry all the time or I'd go on 65 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 2: a cleaning rampage, and they were just like walking on 66 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,240 Speaker 2: eggshells in my house. Now all of us have had 67 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,520 Speaker 2: a shit ton of therapy together and separately, so we're 68 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 2: all better. And I offered for them. I'm like, hey, 69 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,920 Speaker 2: is it okay if I share your stories? Absolutely? I mean, 70 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 2: because they're healed through their therapy. Of like, yeah, that's 71 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,440 Speaker 2: our past. But if our past can help other people 72 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 2: share it, let's do it. They love doing trainings. They 73 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:30,960 Speaker 2: love it. 74 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: I would too. It's just helping somebody on second when 75 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 1: they need it so badly. Okay. So I think that 76 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,520 Speaker 1: one of the things that I realized in my situation 77 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 1: through my divorce that became a really big problem was 78 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: that me and my ex we talked way too much 79 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 1: over text messages, which is not good in terms of, 80 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: you know, you can't tell someone's tone or if what 81 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: you're saying is being heard and effective in the right 82 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 1: way you and you can read so much into text messaging, 83 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,920 Speaker 1: and we just didn't want to talk to each other, 84 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: so we fell into firing off texts whether they were 85 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 1: good or bad, and you know, and being short with 86 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: each other and then putting the phone down and walking away, 87 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 1: which was so infuriating when you know, you're like, I 88 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:21,120 Speaker 1: really need to work this out with you right now. 89 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,000 Speaker 2: Right right, Well, a couple of things. Number one, good 90 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,919 Speaker 2: parenting plan. You won't have to talk as much, you know, 91 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 2: if you cover all the detail and you won't have 92 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,840 Speaker 2: to be communicating as much. Number two, I mean, I 93 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:32,160 Speaker 2: don't know how old you are, but I was before 94 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,840 Speaker 2: the whole apps were out, you know, texting was like 95 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,760 Speaker 2: T nine. Ing had just came out when I was 96 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,919 Speaker 2: getting a divorce. That's how old I am. So like 97 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,560 Speaker 2: people were like, why didn't you use an app? I'm like, 98 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:44,680 Speaker 2: they weren't invented yet. Okay, people were actually still calling 99 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,480 Speaker 2: people on the phone and having to talk. So I think, 100 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,599 Speaker 2: first and foremost an app to you know, so you 101 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 2: have your really good parenting plan to limit plan out 102 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 2: as much as you can in there. But then if 103 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,559 Speaker 2: something does fall through a sickness, a transportation issue something 104 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 2: like that, or hey I need to switch a holiday, 105 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 2: or hey I have to work or whatever, that's when 106 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 2: we got to go through the app. And or I 107 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 2: recommend my clients to always develop an email that's just 108 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 2: for divorce and co parenting and school stuff, something that's 109 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 2: not your work email, that's not your personal email that's 110 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 2: designed for I know, I'm only checking this when I'm 111 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,760 Speaker 2: ready to think about divorce and co parenting, and so 112 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,599 Speaker 2: you don't get a hold of me right now on 113 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 2: my work computer and ding get to blow up my day, 114 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,840 Speaker 2: Ding interrupt my mood. You know, it's an email that's 115 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,120 Speaker 2: completely separate that maybe you only have on your iPad. 116 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,000 Speaker 2: That's a good idea, or check somewhere else. But even still, 117 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 2: we talk a lot about I run a private membership 118 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 2: for moms only call the Next Chapter, and I do 119 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 2: it with my bestie Lea Marie, and I always say 120 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 2: she's the pretty calm one and I'm the high maintenance, 121 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 2: like off the wall, in your face, you know, person 122 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,359 Speaker 2: in our group. But we run a membership group where 123 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 2: we give trainings on specific stuff like this, where we 124 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 2: break down and say, okay, if you're a thumb warrior, 125 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,599 Speaker 2: we got to train you through like why are you 126 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 2: so emotionally dysregulated? Why do you feel the urge to 127 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 2: defend yourself against someone that's never going to agree with you? 128 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 1: You know? 129 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,360 Speaker 2: And we break that down as to why, why why, 130 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 2: and we teach them gray Rock and we teach him 131 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,680 Speaker 2: how to use chat GBT, but the apps are where 132 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,039 Speaker 2: it's at, you know. That way, everything that does get 133 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 2: said could possibly be read by a third party professional 134 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 2: and then evaluate who is the problem. But yeah, the 135 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:13,960 Speaker 2: whole urge to go back. A lot of that is 136 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 2: just a self worth issue. You feel like you have 137 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,680 Speaker 2: to defend against someone that's never going to change their 138 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:21,359 Speaker 2: judgment on you whatsoever. 139 00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:23,280 Speaker 1: Or you're not right with them and you want to 140 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: be heard, but you're not going to be heard that way. 141 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 2: Yeah. Never. They're never going to receive what you're delivering, 142 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 2: not the way you meant to deliver it. They will 143 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 2: always receive it differently. Like I tell the story all 144 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 2: the time of my ex husband. I sent him, you know, 145 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,160 Speaker 2: a message on email back in the day and I said, hey, Walker, 146 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 2: our oldest lost his tooth and I sent a picture 147 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,919 Speaker 2: and he said, you know, why are you sending me this? 148 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,080 Speaker 2: I knew his tooth was loose, and I said, I know, 149 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,039 Speaker 2: I was just sharing with you. He goes, the tooth 150 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,719 Speaker 2: has been loose for a week. How did you not 151 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:55,160 Speaker 2: know that? Oh, you're right, Like, because I didn't tell 152 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,720 Speaker 2: him the tooth was loose. A couple of weeks ago 153 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,279 Speaker 2: when I didn't. It's just something so that I thought 154 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 2: would be joyful, I thought triggering me. I thought it 155 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,360 Speaker 2: would be just the thing to like get us on this, like, oh, 156 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,640 Speaker 2: thanks for letting me see you the picture. It was 157 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,120 Speaker 2: as soon as I told him, I got braided of 158 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,160 Speaker 2: how you know, I didn't take care of the tooth. 159 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 2: That's probably why it was lost, because I don't brush 160 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 2: his teeth. It was just everything I ever did got 161 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,360 Speaker 2: turned twist and hooked upside down to how I was 162 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 2: the bad person and I was a slow learner. Eight years. 163 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 2: I did that shit until my kids looked me dead 164 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:24,920 Speaker 2: in the face of the kitchen table one day and 165 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,760 Speaker 2: they said, would you just stop? He hates you. Would 166 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,360 Speaker 2: you just stop? You're embarrassing yourself. And that's when I 167 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 2: went to therapy and I was like, this is what 168 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 2: my kid just said. She's like, oh gosh, oh gosh, 169 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 2: we have some work to do. We have Yeah, if 170 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 2: your kids told you this after this many years, it's 171 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 2: been bad for a while and you've had blinders. 172 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,960 Speaker 1: On m Yeah, because they don't want to tell mom 173 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: she's not doing well. Mm hmm. 174 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 2: And I was not doing well. 175 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: And they don't want to see mom doing not doing well. 176 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:50,960 Speaker 2: No, and they were just sick of me getting my 177 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,680 Speaker 2: feelings hurt. But it was like I was stepping into 178 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 2: the pile of shit every time on my own, you know, 179 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,520 Speaker 2: I got out of the car, I walked up to 180 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 2: him at sporting events, I was engaging with him like 181 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 2: because I thought, I want everybody see that I'm not 182 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:02,600 Speaker 2: the problem. I want my kids to see I'm not 183 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 2: the problem. Like, look at me being nice. I look 184 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 2: like fucking Mary Poppins. Everywhere I went like joy, Joy, Joy, 185 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,040 Speaker 2: and then he's just blah blah blah. And it was 186 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 2: just it was humiliating what I put myself through because 187 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 2: I didn't know what boundaries. I didn't know I could 188 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 2: say no. I didn't know I could stay in the car. 189 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 2: I didn't know. I didn't have to talk to him 190 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,800 Speaker 2: like I felt obligated too, because I had a court 191 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,760 Speaker 2: system saying be the better parent, be flexible, be a 192 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,400 Speaker 2: good girl. Let the judge like you don't be a problem. 193 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 2: So I didn't know what that meant to me. It 194 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 2: met kisses ass and it wasn't hey teach boundaries because 195 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 2: what ended up happening by me not having boundaries is 196 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,720 Speaker 2: both my children became people pleasers, and then they lost 197 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 2: themselves for a while, and then I found boundaries, and 198 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 2: then man, they jumped on the bandwagon right after me. 199 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 2: And now they're both bad asses and very independent and 200 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 2: do whatever the hell they want, whoever they want, when 201 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 2: they want. But that took a lot of work for 202 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:50,319 Speaker 2: us all to get there. 203 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:03,240 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I feel like I'm listening to my 204 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,920 Speaker 1: life played back for me in so many of these situations, 205 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:11,480 Speaker 1: so I can really see how being I mean, at first, 206 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: I was like a membership. I don't want to be 207 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 1: a member of the divorce People's Club, Like that doesn't 208 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: sound fun. But now hearing you explain it, you call 209 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,040 Speaker 1: it the next chapter. 210 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 2: We call it the next chapter. It's a monthly membership. 211 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 2: We give a new training every Monday. There's one hundred 212 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 2: hours worth of trainings already in there, and then we 213 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,600 Speaker 2: run two q and as a month, so you can 214 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 2: post a question, jump on, or just watch the recording. 215 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,720 Speaker 2: So it's all women right now that are all dealing 216 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 2: with high conflict divorces or high conflict co parting journey, 217 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 2: so that they're in that middle phase, right they were 218 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,520 Speaker 2: just married, and we are that middle ground of like, 219 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,440 Speaker 2: let me build you back up, sister, let me give 220 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 2: you all the tools. We have stuff in there about finances, 221 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:50,640 Speaker 2: about fitness, about money, about parenting as a single parent, 222 00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:52,840 Speaker 2: discipline as a single parent, how to do it when 223 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,840 Speaker 2: your kids don't want to go all kinds of stuff, 224 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 2: of like stuff they're too ashamed to ask people. You know, 225 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 2: you're too embarrassed, or you're just like, I don't anybody 226 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,840 Speaker 2: know how toxic this shit is. Hang out with strangers, don't. 227 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 2: They don't know, they don't know. And we are building 228 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 2: such a great safe community for people to be vulnerable 229 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,839 Speaker 2: and open up. We gave a training yesterday about boundaries 230 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,720 Speaker 2: and I just spoke some truth about I sucked at boundaries, 231 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 2: and I couldn't believe how many women were like, I'm ashamed, 232 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,079 Speaker 2: but I do this too, I do this too. I'm 233 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,440 Speaker 2: too scared. I'm too And it's just like, I think 234 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 2: that was a game changer for every woman on there 235 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,439 Speaker 2: to hear that here's this woman on you know, their 236 00:10:28,559 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 2: their social media all the time that they look up 237 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 2: to that I didn't have it all together at all 238 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,760 Speaker 2: for eight years. So I just want I don't want 239 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 2: women to lose eight years. I want them to lose 240 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,680 Speaker 2: eight weeks and they figured it all out and they're good, 241 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,160 Speaker 2: not eight years like I did. I lost eight years 242 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 2: with my kids because I was just attracted with bullshit. 243 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 2: That sucks, it does. 244 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry for you. I'm so sorry for me. 245 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:52,559 Speaker 1: I haven't calculated the amount of years that I lost, 246 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: but it's probably about eight ears, honest to God, of 247 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,599 Speaker 1: me being in my own torture device. 248 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 2: Because nobody was talking about it back then. You know, 249 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 2: nobody was talking and there wasn't TikTok and all these 250 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 2: social media, and it was embarrassing. 251 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,839 Speaker 1: I didn't want to talk about it because I felt 252 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,599 Speaker 1: like I was a failure. I had done this. It 253 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 1: was my fault somehow. 254 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,079 Speaker 2: Yeah, there's just. 255 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:18,719 Speaker 1: So many emotions that take over your mind and situations like. 256 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 2: That exactly, and so I think that's why I love 257 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,480 Speaker 2: doing it. You know, like some people may be embarrassed, 258 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 2: They're like, I can't believe you just told that story. 259 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 2: I used to smoke and drink in my garage once 260 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 2: my kids went to bed. 261 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,440 Speaker 1: Okay, I love you so much. 262 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 2: That's how I put it. 263 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 1: Was in your garage were you sitting in a lawn 264 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 1: chair at all. 265 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,480 Speaker 2: No, I was sitting on the steps to the door, 266 00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:39,679 Speaker 2: and I hid the cigarettes and the tennis shoes right 267 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 2: next to the door. Like I didn't make it hard. 268 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 2: I didn't make it hard. But I quit smoking when 269 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 2: my son caught me at a golf outing one time. 270 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,640 Speaker 2: I took a drag off someone's cigarette and he was like, 271 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,520 Speaker 2: that's disgusting. And I was like, okay, girl, it's about time. 272 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 2: Do you get your shit together? And that was right 273 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,000 Speaker 2: when my awakening started to happen, of like, do you 274 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,480 Speaker 2: even love yourself? You know, like you're so worried about 275 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,160 Speaker 2: this man being nice to you that hates your gutsy? 276 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 2: You love yourself? Right now? Are you proud of yourself? 277 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,960 Speaker 2: And it was it was a deep dive and you 278 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:10,880 Speaker 2: own it and that's just. 279 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: What it takes. That's what it takes. I had a 280 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,480 Speaker 1: I thought I was going to go to this therapist 281 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:17,040 Speaker 1: and we were going to save our marriage. But I 282 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,200 Speaker 1: didn't know we were going to this therapist and he 283 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,280 Speaker 1: had planned to end our marriage at that session. And 284 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,920 Speaker 1: I remember one thing from that therapy session, and it 285 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,880 Speaker 1: was the therapist looking meat straight in my eyes. And saying, Jenny, 286 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,880 Speaker 1: why do you want to love a man who doesn't 287 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:38,840 Speaker 1: love you? Ouch? Okay, I gotta go now, like it 288 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,040 Speaker 1: just like hit so hard. 289 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,079 Speaker 2: Well, that goes with divorce and coparenting. So my kids 290 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 2: were basically telling me, and this is what my therapist 291 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 2: later said, why are you treating him with kind words 292 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,079 Speaker 2: when he disrespects you? What are your kids going to 293 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 2: do when they're future boyfriend or employer or peer treats 294 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,880 Speaker 2: them like shit? Are you? You're gonna want your kids 295 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,560 Speaker 2: to fuck you, you know, and stand up for themselves. 296 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 2: But what are they mirroring right now? They're watching you 297 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 2: still go back to a man that keeps treating in 298 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,040 Speaker 2: front of them. He was not shy. He would do 299 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,959 Speaker 2: this in front of them and talk about me behind 300 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,520 Speaker 2: my back to them, and then they're watching you still 301 00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 2: be Mary Poppins all the time, like no way, You're 302 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,360 Speaker 2: gonna have to show them what boundaries and getting rid 303 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 2: of people. 304 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,960 Speaker 1: And knowing you're worth like yes, finding out like I 305 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,920 Speaker 1: actually my time, my words, this is all I'm worth 306 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: something more than yes. 307 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I just got that tattoo worth on my 308 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 2: arm because I absolutely did. Because that word I think 309 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:37,360 Speaker 2: is What saved me is I'm worthy of being special 310 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 2: like this. I'm not defined by him saying you're a 311 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,199 Speaker 2: piece of shit, Mom, You're this, You're that. I have 312 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 2: worth And that's why I'm good at my job is 313 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,440 Speaker 2: because I can. I do have value. I am an 314 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 2: expert in. 315 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: I recognize that in yourself. Yeah, and it's amazing. 316 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 2: I have two more kids with my husband who are 317 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,320 Speaker 2: only six and five because I'm crazy and had kids 318 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 2: at forty Oh yeah, yeah, whoe is right? And the 319 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:02,080 Speaker 2: way I parent these two hindsight, Like. I have emotional 320 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:05,559 Speaker 2: stories like out the wazoo of looking back on how 321 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 2: much I was not emotionally regulated for the first two 322 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 2: and how I am now. And even when my bigs 323 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,960 Speaker 2: come home, they're like, these two have it fucking easy, man, Like, 324 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,320 Speaker 2: they don't see you crazy. They don't see you bouncing 325 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,280 Speaker 2: off the walls, yell and scream and crying, you know, 326 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 2: throwing a fit, raging, you know whatever. And I'm not. 327 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 2: I'm at peace now because I know my self worth 328 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 2: and back then I didn't. And again, thank god we 329 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,600 Speaker 2: had therapy and I've worked through things with the big kids. 330 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:32,080 Speaker 2: But they recognize it and they're proud of me. You 331 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,640 Speaker 2: know that I put the work in so that their 332 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,640 Speaker 2: brothers have different lives than what they have had. But yeah, 333 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 2: there was a lot of things that happened for my kids. 334 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,720 Speaker 2: And I know there's women out there and dads who 335 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,320 Speaker 2: are emotionally disregulated, and you got to figure it out. 336 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 2: You have value, you have worth, and you should love 337 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,440 Speaker 2: yourself and you got to work on all that shit 338 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 2: before you can ever be able to deliver it to 339 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:54,600 Speaker 2: your kids, ever be able to find somebody new and again, 340 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,840 Speaker 2: my business partner, Leah, she jumped from one marriage to 341 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,680 Speaker 2: the next because she didn't have worth, you know, and 342 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 2: then then she worked on it and then she found 343 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 2: the man of her dreams. 344 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 1: It takes work, yes, and nobody wants to do that work, 345 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:10,000 Speaker 1: spending time with yourself, listening to yourself, like loving yourself 346 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 1: up when. 347 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,760 Speaker 2: It's not easy, exactly exactly. 348 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 1: So, so I have goosebumps for you because I'm so 349 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 1: happy that you've found your worth and you have, you know, 350 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 1: this feeling of assuredness behind you now, like that you 351 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,680 Speaker 1: just unstoppable. But that's what happens to us women, you know, 352 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,960 Speaker 1: we sometimes it might take some other some people longer 353 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 1: than others to learn these important things, but we all 354 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 1: eventually learned them. 355 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 2: Absolutely. I mean, I'm glad I learned them. I'm sorry 356 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 2: it took eight years, but I have eight years worth 357 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 2: of great moments to be able to teach other women about. 358 00:15:47,000 --> 00:16:01,000 Speaker 1: That's right. What about co hosting birthday parties for your 359 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,360 Speaker 1: kids when you're going through a high conflict divorce. Should 360 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 1: you avoid that? Should you be hosting them together separately? 361 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: What has what do you think? 362 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 2: I'm a rip the band aid off. We're doing everything 363 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,480 Speaker 2: separate from here on out. And here's why. And this 364 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,720 Speaker 2: is where people and divorce have blinders on, because they're 365 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 2: doing what they think the children want and what they 366 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,440 Speaker 2: think that will appear as in unity. Kids act different 367 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 2: with each parent. I don't care even if you're married 368 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 2: your kids. When one of you is home and the 369 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,600 Speaker 2: other one comes home, your kids flip a little bit 370 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,080 Speaker 2: and act a little bit different. Nothing could be more 371 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 2: true in a divorce setting, especially one of high conflict. 372 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,960 Speaker 2: You know, my Joe was one example. She was a bubbly, 373 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,160 Speaker 2: you know, singing, dancing, spinning down the hallway type of 374 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 2: kid when she was with me. She was very reserved 375 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 2: with her dad, so if we would have had a 376 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,760 Speaker 2: birthday party together, she would have had to pick which 377 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,480 Speaker 2: personality she wanted to be, and hands down, kids always 378 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 2: picked the high conflict personality parent to cater to because 379 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 2: they fear loss of love or that parent being like 380 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 2: why are you acting that way? You know, judgment. So 381 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 2: having them together, it's not always what your kids want. 382 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,040 Speaker 2: I know, maybe you have a six year old or 383 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,200 Speaker 2: a seven year old and divorce is fresh and they're like, yes, 384 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 2: I want you both there, blah blah blah. That's great, 385 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 2: But ultimately I also have to ask what's my self worth? 386 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 2: Do I put myself in a binding position for an 387 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,879 Speaker 2: hour and a half just to please my child, So 388 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 2: then I'm frozen in fear for an hour and a 389 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,679 Speaker 2: half that he's going to come in my ear or 390 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 2: say something to me, or embarrass me, or you know, 391 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,280 Speaker 2: talk to the whole room about I'm not putting myself 392 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 2: in that position. I have higher value of myself, so 393 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,720 Speaker 2: I'm not going to even put myself there. So I'm 394 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:32,439 Speaker 2: ten out of ten do not recommend no separate. I 395 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 2: can have a great party. And here's what you'll realize 396 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,080 Speaker 2: in going through divorce. One of you will be the 397 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:37,919 Speaker 2: friend party person, and one of you will be the 398 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,000 Speaker 2: family party person. One of you will be the scavenger 399 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 2: hunt person, that's who I am. One of you will 400 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,480 Speaker 2: be the you know, slip away for a holiday, you know, 401 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 2: a birthday. You will find your own dynamic. You don't 402 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,239 Speaker 2: have to have a party. This is where you need 403 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 2: to start knowing your kid and making it special and unique. 404 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 2: Don't do what the Joneses do across the street. Do 405 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,160 Speaker 2: something cool when you're in a divorce, just to eliminate 406 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,440 Speaker 2: that whole thing. You know again, second set of kids, 407 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,000 Speaker 2: I don't do big birthday parties, never doing that shit again. 408 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,840 Speaker 2: We will do something special, we are not. I'm not 409 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,200 Speaker 2: hosting thirteen so. 410 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,480 Speaker 1: I'm gonna stay up until two am making a pinata 411 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,640 Speaker 1: from scratch. 412 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,439 Speaker 2: Never ever, because I'm gonna be my sixties by the 413 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,119 Speaker 2: time that shit happens. So it's never ever, you know, like, 414 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,880 Speaker 2: I'm just not doing that. And again, I think that's 415 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 2: where what's important to me. I'm not. You shouldn't be 416 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,639 Speaker 2: doing things just because other people are. Well, you know, 417 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:25,360 Speaker 2: Kevin's parents are married and they're having a group where 418 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,840 Speaker 2: both they're apparently, then. 419 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,880 Speaker 1: You feel like you feel bad because you're not able 420 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 1: to have such a peaceful situation. There were times when 421 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,960 Speaker 1: I opened up my home to my ex and his 422 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:40,120 Speaker 1: new girlfriend, and I'll never forget that, you know. I 423 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: had tried to be so strong and. 424 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,120 Speaker 2: Stoic, and then you're exhausted afterwards. 425 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,199 Speaker 1: It was my yeah. And I remember sitting there and 426 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:50,600 Speaker 1: watching a video compilation that he had put together for 427 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:53,880 Speaker 1: the for our daughter for her birthday, and everybody crowded 428 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 1: around in the family room and watched this fun video 429 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,840 Speaker 1: and laughing and having the best time watching it. And 430 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:04,639 Speaker 1: there were no images of their mother in the video. 431 00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:08,840 Speaker 1: Not only that, but the new girl that was being 432 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,440 Speaker 1: basically told to have a life with was the star 433 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 1: of the movie, like it was. She was like the queen. 434 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,479 Speaker 1: And I was like, is this really happening? 435 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 2: He did that and slept well at night. And that's 436 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 2: where people need to wake up, Like, I'm not setting 437 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 2: myself up for that anymore, because. 438 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,159 Speaker 1: They're not thinking, what how is she feeling about it? 439 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,840 Speaker 2: They don't care, they don't care. They're in it's just 440 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:30,640 Speaker 2: not who they are. 441 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,840 Speaker 1: They're onto something else. 442 00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:33,320 Speaker 2: We went out of our way to make sure we 443 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 2: had his favorite drink, you know, Hey, what does she enjoy? 444 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,359 Speaker 2: Is she a white wine? Red wine? Girl? Like, let 445 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,640 Speaker 2: me make sure you made sure shit they were comfortable 446 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 2: in your home. But then they did not reciprocate. And 447 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,439 Speaker 2: that's where when that happens once or twice, that's a 448 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,280 Speaker 2: pattern behavior. Put that on your bingo card and start 449 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,480 Speaker 2: learning it, because then it's on you if you keep doing. 450 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,120 Speaker 1: It, because you're allowing it to happen. Absolutely, and nobody's 451 00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 1: gonna be mad at you or think you're a bad 452 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,639 Speaker 1: person if you don't go to your kid's birthday party. 453 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,680 Speaker 1: Protecting yourself and that's way more important and your kids. Honestly, 454 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,240 Speaker 1: I feel like my kids were always on pins and 455 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 1: needles whenever we were together, although they wanted that desperately, 456 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,120 Speaker 1: and they would say, can we just all have dinner? 457 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,600 Speaker 1: Can we all be together? Because they want that old 458 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:19,359 Speaker 1: family unit back together, But the reality of it, it 459 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 1: didn't feel good when it was happening. And it wasn't 460 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,439 Speaker 1: until I found that piece that you talk about finding 461 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:30,600 Speaker 1: after eight years that my kids were like, I feel like, 462 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,960 Speaker 1: now we can be together in the same room and 463 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,439 Speaker 1: we can have those family experiences again, and there's just 464 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: there's nothing there for me no emotional pull or desire 465 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,440 Speaker 1: to prove anything or. 466 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,480 Speaker 2: Yeah it's easy. I think eight years was toxic. I 467 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,480 Speaker 2: went through a phase where I rebuilt and we rode 468 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,360 Speaker 2: in the car together to a tournament and my daughter 469 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,679 Speaker 2: rode home with us, and she was like, it was silent. 470 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,840 Speaker 2: Like the first two minutes, She's like, this is so 471 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,879 Speaker 2: fucking weird. Like, yeah, she was in high school, but 472 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,360 Speaker 2: she was like this, this is so bizarre that you're 473 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,240 Speaker 2: both She was one when we got divorced. She's like, 474 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 2: I've never been in the car with the both of 475 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,720 Speaker 2: you that I can remember now. It was a short 476 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,560 Speaker 2: phase where we got along. That that phase was a 477 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,720 Speaker 2: very small window in her life where we were, you know, 478 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:16,600 Speaker 2: kumbayaing it. But that car ride was memorable. It's funny 479 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,439 Speaker 2: now to look back on that. It was all just 480 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,800 Speaker 2: a facade, probably by both of us, but we did it. 481 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,520 Speaker 2: But yeah, it's okay to not ever have those moments again. 482 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 2: And now looking back on it, she would she's trained, 483 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,320 Speaker 2: and so does my son Walker. They will say, no, 484 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 2: don't do shit together because we are different people in 485 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,920 Speaker 2: front of each parent, and then we don't know who 486 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,880 Speaker 2: to be and then we have our friends around going 487 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,040 Speaker 2: why are you acting that way? You know? And it's 488 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,440 Speaker 2: because there's one parent there that they don't feel comfortable 489 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,840 Speaker 2: being their true selves with. So no, I think your 490 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,879 Speaker 2: kids will adjust when you adjust, But if you're not 491 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,320 Speaker 2: adjusted to it, then you're gonna And here's the other tip. 492 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 2: Stop asking your kids what the hell they want. 493 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,400 Speaker 1: They're kids, they don't know. 494 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,159 Speaker 2: Why are you seeking validation from a seven year. 495 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,639 Speaker 1: Old because you want so badly to make them happy, 496 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,080 Speaker 1: you'll basically do anything. 497 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,440 Speaker 2: No, it's I don't think it's happened. 498 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:03,880 Speaker 1: Is it the guilt of the divorce. 499 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,399 Speaker 2: I think it's you want to make sure they're okay 500 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,160 Speaker 2: with you. You want to make sure that kiddo's still 501 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,040 Speaker 2: okay with you. Kiddo, you know what do you want? 502 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 2: If you want me to go there, I'll go. No, 503 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,359 Speaker 2: this is where I need to teach my kid a 504 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,679 Speaker 2: boundary early on. Kiddo. I know you may want us 505 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,199 Speaker 2: both there, but I didn't ask you. But if you 506 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,280 Speaker 2: came and told me, I'm responding, and I'm saying, kiddo, 507 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,080 Speaker 2: I know you may want us both there, but that's 508 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,119 Speaker 2: not good for mom. So how about as soon as 509 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:26,639 Speaker 2: it's done, I'll pick you up and then we'll go 510 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,639 Speaker 2: out for ice cream afterwards. But we're not going to 511 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,880 Speaker 2: be the same place at the same time. Okay, I'm 512 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,960 Speaker 2: not leaving it up for a discussion, but I think 513 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,120 Speaker 2: I have a lot of parents that'll say, you know, hey, 514 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,040 Speaker 2: you know, it's almost time for dad to pick up 515 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,119 Speaker 2: you know, do you want to go? It's like, why 516 00:22:39,119 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 2: are you even asking your kid that? Like the whole 517 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,800 Speaker 2: reassurance thing, we can't be seeking from children. We have 518 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 2: to know that we're making good decisions because we're a 519 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:45,720 Speaker 2: good parent. 520 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, we're the parents. What about spring break? Spring break 521 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,960 Speaker 1: is is here, it's happening, Summer's coming. What about vacations 522 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,359 Speaker 1: and how that can affect this love to bea and 523 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,240 Speaker 1: the parenting plan? 524 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 2: So spring break I love to do every other year, 525 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:00,920 Speaker 2: so you could even years I get odd years. I 526 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,119 Speaker 2: know a lot of people are like, let's slit it 527 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,720 Speaker 2: in half. No way, man, I want to be gone 528 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,400 Speaker 2: for a full week during my year, and you can 529 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,920 Speaker 2: be gone during a full week on your year. I'm 530 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,719 Speaker 2: not coming back on a Wednesday, because then what if 531 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 2: there's a delay and then now my vacation plans. I 532 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,760 Speaker 2: was leaving Wednesday night, and now you've screwed me up. 533 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,879 Speaker 2: So we're just doing a whole week. You know. Here's 534 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 2: the tricky part, though. We got to put specifics in 535 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,640 Speaker 2: there about do we get both weekends or just one weekend? 536 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,359 Speaker 2: So am I going on vacation for spring break? Leading 537 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:25,000 Speaker 2: my weekends the first and then it goes for that 538 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:26,920 Speaker 2: whole week and then I have to be back by Friday, 539 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,880 Speaker 2: or do I get to take that second weekend? Those 540 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,600 Speaker 2: kind of details really really matter for vacations. I recommend 541 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,639 Speaker 2: three weeks, and some people are always going to look 542 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,359 Speaker 2: at me and say, Sam, I'm middle class. I can't 543 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:39,760 Speaker 2: do three weeks vacation. Are you kidding me? And here's 544 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,280 Speaker 2: my perspective on that. Two weeks is pretty normal, but 545 00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:46,480 Speaker 2: that third week is for a buffer when you have 546 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,760 Speaker 2: a high conflict X and you say, hey, my sister's 547 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,199 Speaker 2: getting married in October. It looks like it falls on 548 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,800 Speaker 2: your weekend. Can I have the kids? No? 549 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:53,879 Speaker 1: No? 550 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 2: Okay, Then I'm booking a week my third week of 551 00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,120 Speaker 2: vacation over that weekend, and now he can't take away 552 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,800 Speaker 2: that wedding opportunity. That third week is used as a 553 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,560 Speaker 2: buffer throughout the year for any special occasions that you 554 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,879 Speaker 2: may need. You can call in your vacation because they 555 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,639 Speaker 2: can't deny a vacation if your paperwork is written really well. 556 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 2: And the other thing about picking three weeks is I 557 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:15,280 Speaker 2: want people to start manifesting and understanding that you won't 558 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,240 Speaker 2: always be poor. If you change your mindset, you won't 559 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:22,639 Speaker 2: always be paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving. You will, especially 560 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,159 Speaker 2: if you stop going after old toxic money. If you 561 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:29,400 Speaker 2: start focusing on rebranding yourself, getting confidence, self worth, you're 562 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,400 Speaker 2: going to attract not only new people, but new opportunities, 563 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,600 Speaker 2: and so you can afford three weeks vacation. I would 564 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,159 Speaker 2: have never thought that at the beginning either when I 565 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,080 Speaker 2: was a teacher on a teacher salary. But now I 566 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:41,920 Speaker 2: can definitely afford three weeks vacation. But my parenting plan 567 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,879 Speaker 2: would have been built just on me being a teacher 568 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 2: and that salary. Your life's going to change if you 569 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:47,000 Speaker 2: want it to. 570 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: Yep, you have to clear the way though, clear them 571 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:51,440 Speaker 1: bad out. 572 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:52,960 Speaker 2: Yes, get all. 573 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,919 Speaker 1: Of the effects, the lingering effects of all that negativity 574 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,520 Speaker 1: out of your life, out of your mind, and reframe 575 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,840 Speaker 1: and go on a different path. Because guess what you 576 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,639 Speaker 1: get to now you get to do whatever you want. 577 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:08,000 Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, you know, in vacations again, I push my 578 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,080 Speaker 2: people to do year round vacations January to December, because 579 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,720 Speaker 2: not everybody can take off work in June and July 580 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,840 Speaker 2: with their jobs, and it's very pricey to travel just 581 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,879 Speaker 2: during those months. But again, this is a moral compass 582 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,359 Speaker 2: question between you and your ex during mediation. Do you 583 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,359 Speaker 2: believe that school's more important than in family time? You know, 584 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:26,200 Speaker 2: if you pick three weeks of vacation, your ex gets 585 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,240 Speaker 2: three weeks of vacation, that six weeks if the kids 586 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,880 Speaker 2: could miss of school, could you put parameters that only 587 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,679 Speaker 2: two weeks could be during the school year and the 588 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,639 Speaker 2: rest of it has to be during the summertime. Again, 589 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,679 Speaker 2: that level of detail, you know, some people may listening 590 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,639 Speaker 2: be going, oh my gosh, she's a control freak. Push 591 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,080 Speaker 2: come to shove. You are looking at it from just 592 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:47,119 Speaker 2: your perspective. You're assuming that the other side is going 593 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,280 Speaker 2: to have the exact same perspective. And I can tell 594 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 2: you I wouldn't be popular if that statement was true. Though. 595 00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:55,960 Speaker 2: You have to write down what you want it to mean, 596 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,560 Speaker 2: not what you think it should mean. But what does 597 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,399 Speaker 2: that mean? I write mine at the level that a 598 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,880 Speaker 2: third grader can understand it. It's not written in legal jargon. 599 00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,639 Speaker 2: It's very simplistic. Parent will do this, Mom will do this, 600 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 2: Dad will do this. Parent one, parent two. However it is, 601 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 2: it's got to be easy to follow, not these big, huge, 602 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 2: long paragraphs where you have to have a flow chart 603 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:16,920 Speaker 2: next to you with notes. None of that. 604 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:18,520 Speaker 1: No, but it's got time for that note. 605 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,119 Speaker 2: No, I have to call my lawyer. What does that 606 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:20,880 Speaker 2: paragraph mean? 607 00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:21,320 Speaker 1: Yeah? 608 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:21,720 Speaker 2: No way. 609 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:26,639 Speaker 1: Well, this has been such a fascinating conversation, Samantha. I 610 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:30,600 Speaker 1: just think you're doing God's work basically, you know, coming 611 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 1: in and helping people in this such a vulnerable time. 612 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,720 Speaker 1: And it's really amazing that you're offering this to people. 613 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:41,840 Speaker 1: And I actually, if I was in a different situation, 614 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 1: different time in my life, I would join your club, 615 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:45,720 Speaker 1: your next chapter club. 616 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,159 Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you. It's been awesome being on and 617 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,560 Speaker 2: I hope the listeners just know that don't be ashamed, 618 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:54,120 Speaker 2: don't be embarrassed. It's part of it. It's where you're at. 619 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,919 Speaker 2: You might as well get as much information as you 620 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,680 Speaker 2: possibly can and know that you've done every thing possible 621 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,280 Speaker 2: to make the best choice. I have a lot of 622 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:03,879 Speaker 2: people that find me too late, like we said at 623 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:05,920 Speaker 2: the beginning, where they're like where were you? Or I 624 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,640 Speaker 2: didn't believe you, or man, you were right, Like don't 625 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:09,440 Speaker 2: let that be you. 626 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,960 Speaker 1: Maybe I could put you on a retainer just like, 627 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:14,240 Speaker 1: you know, just in case. 628 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,400 Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, but I don't want it to have them. 629 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:20,879 Speaker 1: But oh my gosh, you're great. I think you're just great. 630 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,080 Speaker 1: So keep it up, keep going, You're doing great. 631 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:24,200 Speaker 2: Thank you so much. 632 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:27,440 Speaker 1: Are you going through a high conflict of oors and 633 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,080 Speaker 1: need some guidance feeling like maybe you don't know what 634 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,920 Speaker 1: to do? Email us or call us. We are here 635 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,720 Speaker 1: to help. All of the info is in the show notes. 636 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,679 Speaker 1: Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review 637 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:45,440 Speaker 1: the podcast. I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where 638 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,800 Speaker 1: falling in love is the main objective.