Speaker 1: Hey, Bessie's Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2: Today on the bright Side, join us for a crash
Speaker 2: course in navigating tricky social situations with the etiquette expert
Speaker 2: Sarah Jane Hoe. From mastering the proper way to split
Speaker 2: a birthday dinner bill to how to exit a conversation
Speaker 2: at a party without any awkwardness. Tune in and level
Speaker 2: up your social skills with style and even a little humor.
Speaker 2: It's Thursday, August eighth. I'm Danielle Robe and.
Speaker 1: I'm Simone Voice, and this is the bright Side from
Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together to
Speaker 1: share women's stories, lave, learn and brighten your day.
Speaker 2: Manners Manners, Manners, Etiquette, ECTICU Connectiquette. How do you feel, Simone?
Speaker 1: Okay, here's my question about modern etiquette, Danielle. Do you
Speaker 1: find yourself more often than not pleasantly surprised by other
Speaker 1: people and their etiquette or unfortunately disappointed.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be honest, I am constantly shocked by people's
Speaker 2: lack of manners and etiquette.
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you said that, because I feel the
Speaker 1: exact same way. Really, yes, I feel like where is
Speaker 1: everyone's mother's like who raised you?
Speaker 2: And fathers. Yes, where did where did they come from? Like,
Speaker 2: I don't understand why basic things that I guess you
Speaker 2: and I take for granted are not practiced in society.
Speaker 2: I find it constantly in airports and airplanes because like
Speaker 2: the worst of people come out. It's like animalistic on
Speaker 2: an airplane.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is true.
Speaker 2: But even basic stuff like holding doors or saying excuse
Speaker 2: me if you knock into somebody. I found it. It's
Speaker 2: gotten worse since COVID.
Speaker 1: Yes, this is true. Well, okay, when you said airplanes
Speaker 1: made me think of our debate that we were having
Speaker 1: the other day in Nashville. I knew, So are you
Speaker 1: gonna bring this up public? We're gonna bring it up. Okay,
Speaker 1: settle a debate for us, everyone right side? Besties? Can
Speaker 1: you take your shoes off on a plane. My approach
Speaker 1: is you can take them off as long as you
Speaker 1: have like some civilized cute socks to wear. Maybe you
Speaker 1: know airplane socks. What do you think?
Speaker 2: So that's team Simone. If your team Danielle, you feel
Speaker 2: like it's never okay to take your shoes off on
Speaker 2: an airplane. The only time I think it's okay is
Speaker 2: if you're in your own little pod. Like if you
Speaker 2: are lucky in sitting in business class or first class
Speaker 2: and no one's around you, it's okay. If you are
Speaker 2: in coach with me, you better keep your shoes on.
Speaker 1: Okay, But what about like a twenty hour flight from
Speaker 1: here to Asia? Would you not take off your shoes
Speaker 1: on a twenty four hour flight?
Speaker 2: I flew to Japan and China and I kept my
Speaker 2: shoes on.
Speaker 1: Why do you have such strong airplane etiquette, Danielle? Where
Speaker 1: does this come from?
Speaker 2: I think there's different etiquette for when you are alone
Speaker 2: somewhere versus when you are sharing space with other people,
Speaker 2: and there's certain things you just don't do. Like your
Speaker 2: feet are probably a little smelly, don't like I don't
Speaker 2: want to see them outside of your shoes. We wear
Speaker 2: shoes in public for a reason.
Speaker 1: Just get some of that lavender magnesium spray and then
Speaker 1: everyone will be happy. Okay. I recently wore pajamas on
Speaker 1: the plane. What do you think about that? Were you
Speaker 1: silently judging me? No?
Speaker 2: I actually loved it. The pajamas were very cute. And
Speaker 2: also what you wear doesn't affect me, So I'm good
Speaker 2: with whatever you want to do. But once you take
Speaker 2: your feet out of your shoes, it starts to affect me.
Speaker 1: Okay, so your thing is airplane etiquette for me. I
Speaker 1: think people be acting a full round birthdays. I just
Speaker 1: think that the expectations are two great nowadays. I think
Speaker 1: people are expecting the attendees to shell out a lot
Speaker 1: of money for something that happens every single year, same day,
Speaker 1: same time. And I think we see this same pattern
Speaker 1: when it comes to weddings and bridal parties and bachelorette parties. Like,
Speaker 1: my kind of people are the people who are really
Speaker 1: just gracious and understanding of the fact that everyone is
Speaker 1: coming into the celebration with a different level of means.
Speaker 1: And I think being a good friend and having good
Speaker 1: etiquette means being conscious of that. Yeah, that's why we
Speaker 1: are so happy that we have Sarah Jane Hoe here
Speaker 1: today because she is going to settle many a score
Speaker 1: for us. She's a Harvard Business School grad, the founder
Speaker 1: of an etiquette school in China, and really, at the
Speaker 1: end of the day, here's her why. She says she's
Speaker 1: on a mission to help women move through the world
Speaker 1: more confidently and often. That can include improving our manners
Speaker 1: or learning more about manners internationally. I mean, she's lived
Speaker 1: all around the world and she brings that lived experience
Speaker 1: when she explores how culture impacts different social norms.
Speaker 2: And speaking of those social norms, here's a fun fact post.
Speaker 2: Malone once reached out to her on his trip to
Speaker 2: Asia to ask her how to navigate some of those
Speaker 2: social differences. So she is really the go to expert.
Speaker 2: And here's what I particularly love about her work. Yes,
Speaker 2: manners and etiquette are about decorum, but they are also
Speaker 2: about our relationships. Sarah Jane Hoe says, manners actually create ease,
Speaker 2: which elevate our connections. So let's get into it. After
Speaker 2: the break, We're talking modern manners with etiquette expert Sarah
Speaker 2: Jane Hoe.
Speaker 1: Stick with us, Sarah Jane, Welcome to the bright Side.
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you for having me. Ladies.
Speaker 2: Sarah Jane Simone and I were just talking about the
Speaker 2: lack of manners and etiquette that we see play out
Speaker 2: in our own lives when it comes to birthdays and airports.
Speaker 2: But we want your expert opinion on a different scenario.
Speaker 2: We've both experienced this. Okay, let's say I'm at a
Speaker 2: party and I want to end a conversation with somebody.
Speaker 2: What is the most polite way to do that?
Speaker 4: Well, the great thing is you're at a party, so
Speaker 4: you can use other people as props, and as long
Speaker 4: as you're able to do it in an agreeable tone. I
Speaker 4: mean usually, Like, the thing is that you don't want
Speaker 4: to leave someone alone, right, So what I would say is,
Speaker 4: so I'm gonna go meet my friend, would you like
Speaker 4: to come with me? And then usually you'll kind of
Speaker 4: lose them in the crowd. I love that, right, you
Speaker 4: speak yeah, and you know, listen, Like, I'm not pretending
Speaker 4: to be miss goody two shoes. I'm mismattered with a
Speaker 4: touch of Machi belli. So okay, we got to be practical.
Speaker 4: I'm not telling anybody how to be a good person. Like,
Speaker 4: how you want to live your life is up to you.
Speaker 4: I'm just giving you etiquette tips, practical tips that can
Speaker 4: help you get ahead in your life.
Speaker 1: That's interesting, Well, that little machiavellian portion reminds me of
Speaker 1: some research that you've presented. You've said that it can
Speaker 1: take as little as a second and up to two
Speaker 1: minutes for someone to make a first impression. What is
Speaker 1: the secret to making a good first impression? How do
Speaker 1: you make the most of it?
Speaker 4: Well, you know, if it's less than a second, that's
Speaker 4: before you even open your mouth. And so that's visually.
Speaker 3: How are you presenting yourself?
Speaker 1: So what are we talking about with the visuals? Is
Speaker 1: it posture? Is it the way you're dressed?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean it could be body language. So for example,
Speaker 4: are you approaching people like with closed body language? And
Speaker 4: just things like if you're wearing glasses, your glasses dirty
Speaker 4: and stained.
Speaker 3: Or are they clean?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 4: It is your hair greasy? Basic hygiene is a huge thing.
Speaker 4: So hair, skin, face, nails, all these things. Is your
Speaker 4: manicure half grown out? You know, I don't do manicures
Speaker 4: on my fingers because I'm really sporty, so I'm always
Speaker 4: breaking something. And then if you don't up keep it
Speaker 4: straight away, then it looks you know, you're looking behind.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we've got the visual component of the first impression.
Speaker 1: What comes next.
Speaker 4: Eye contact and smile? You know, there's something funny about smiling. Plusly,
Speaker 4: it costs you nothing. Secondly, it's behavior from the outside in.
Speaker 4: So if we all smile now, right, big smile, it
Speaker 4: actually makes you feel happier, even if you want into
Speaker 4: originally feeling that happy.
Speaker 2: You also want to smile back. It's like a compulsion.
Speaker 4: Yes, and babies and this is in research before they
Speaker 4: even know how to speak. If you smile a baby
Speaker 4: from no matter where they are in the world, they
Speaker 4: will smile back at you. It's the one universal language.
Speaker 4: And so to me, it's establishing a rapport. It's positive energy.
Speaker 4: It brings so much joy to the other person, right,
Speaker 4: they immediately feel like smiling back. And I say, because
Speaker 4: some people like, oh what if the other person doesn't
Speaker 4: smile back? What if they ignore me? You know what,
Speaker 4: that's more of their issue than yours, because they may
Speaker 4: be having a bad day or they're probably just not
Speaker 4: a very confident or happy person, and that's not your problem.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well said, etiquette has a lot to do with ease,
Speaker 2: and that makes me think of putting people at ease
Speaker 2: and our connections and our relationships with people. How do
Speaker 2: you think understanding manners and etiquette helps strengthen those relationships
Speaker 2: and those connections.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Sometimes people will come up to me and they'll say,
Speaker 4: Sir Jane, I have really bad etiquette because I'm too honest.
Speaker 4: But that person doesn't exactly understand the meaning of etiquette,
Speaker 4: because etiquete should not be restricting people thinking, Oh, it
Speaker 4: means that I can't say what I feel, I can't
Speaker 4: do what I want, I can't say I noticed something,
Speaker 4: I countant boundaries. But actually etiquette empowers you to, let's say,
Speaker 4: in a networking reception or a cocktail or a party,
Speaker 4: identify somebody who's interesting to you, or maybe a perspective
Speaker 4: customer that you want to approach. You have the tools
Speaker 4: and confidence to go approach them, introduce yourself, initiate conversation.
Speaker 4: You also have the sensitivity to know when you should
Speaker 4: end a conversation with that person, so you're not hogging
Speaker 4: their time when everybody should be mingling, and you know
Speaker 4: how to end the conversation a way that makes them
Speaker 4: want to see you again, that doesn't offend, that's elegant,
Speaker 4: that makes them open to leaving you their contact information.
Speaker 1: What should we do in that scenario. Let's say, because
Speaker 1: this is actually really valuable advice, I go to events
Speaker 1: all the time. Let's say there's someone across the room
Speaker 1: that I want to go up and introduce myself to.
Speaker 1: What is the best way to do that.
Speaker 4: Well, first you have to see is this person alone
Speaker 4: or are they in a one on one conversation where
Speaker 4: it's just two of them, or are they in a
Speaker 4: bigger group conversation. And because if they're one on one
Speaker 4: in a really intense convo, then you might want to
Speaker 4: wait till they've broken that up, right, And then the
Speaker 4: first thing you should do is go over there, hover,
Speaker 4: get eye contact. Once you have eye contact, then everything
Speaker 4: else is easy. Right. You immediately smile. That should be
Speaker 4: like your reflex after making eye contact with someone, and
Speaker 4: then immediately say Hi, you know I'm I'm Sarah Jane Hoe.
Speaker 4: I've been following your work and I'm really intrigued.
Speaker 3: I just wanted to introduce myself.
Speaker 4: If you don't follow all those things back to back,
Speaker 4: then you're in this awkward position where, Okay, you've made
Speaker 4: eye contact, the person knows you're there, but then you
Speaker 4: haven't jumped in and introduced yourself, right, and you're kind
Speaker 4: of left hanging.
Speaker 2: And if you jump in with like a whole story
Speaker 2: about their work before you introduce yourself, it gets a
Speaker 2: little awkward too, totally.
Speaker 4: So you want to say enough where they're interested, but
Speaker 4: not too much where like it just becomes a one
Speaker 4: sided monologue.
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, also can look too thirsty that way.
Speaker 3: Exactly.
Speaker 1: Yeah, You've lived all the world, Papua New Guinea, the UK,
Speaker 1: the US, Taiwan, Hong Kong. How has living in all
Speaker 1: these different cultures influenced your approach to etiquette?
Speaker 4: You know what's funny Because my dad he did oil exploration,
Speaker 4: and that's why we lived in Papua New Guinea, which
Speaker 4: is between Indonesia and Australia. I was conceived there. I
Speaker 4: spent the first few years of my life there. I
Speaker 4: would run around buck naked. And then I had to
Speaker 4: move to the UK and that was about the age
Speaker 4: where I started going to school. I had to wear
Speaker 4: a pinafore for uniform, a little bowling hat, and proper shoes,
Speaker 4: and I didn't like to wear shoes. My parents used
Speaker 4: to complain that they really struggled to keep me fully
Speaker 4: clothed in the UK because I was so accustomed to
Speaker 4: running aroun naked on a beach in pap New Guinea.
Speaker 3: And then when I.
Speaker 4: Moved from the UK to Asia, to China or to
Speaker 4: Taiwan and Hong Kong, I got there and I was like, WHOA,
Speaker 4: what's what are these Chinese people doing?
Speaker 3: Because I thought I was white because.
Speaker 4: I lived in the UK at that time, and everybody
Speaker 4: at my school was like, you know English, and my
Speaker 4: parent and had to tell me that you are Chinese.
Speaker 4: But then what began as a survival tool for me, right,
Speaker 4: just going to such different foreign places and acclimating then
Speaker 4: became my life's work. And I often say, in fact,
Speaker 4: I begin my book Mind Your Manners the book by
Speaker 4: saying that I see myself as a microcultural anthropologist. Anthropology
Speaker 4: is a study of human behavior, and each day all
Speaker 4: of us move across multiple microcultures, whether it's at school,
Speaker 4: in the office, at home, in the office. Different departments
Speaker 4: could be different microcultures. Accounting could be more quiet and reserved.
Speaker 4: Advertising is maybe more rowdy. Right, And each time I'm
Speaker 4: in a new microculture or meeting somebody new or in
Speaker 4: a new country, the first thing I'm doing is seeing
Speaker 4: myself as in the field, which is observation really, and
Speaker 4: I'm thinking, what are the codes of conduct here, how
Speaker 4: people dressed, what is the volume they're speaking at, what's
Speaker 4: the sline they're using, And I'm just suggusting myself ever
Speaker 4: so slightly so that they feel comfortable around me, which
Speaker 4: makes me feel comfortable around them, which actually is human beings.
Speaker 3: Is what we want, that sense of belonging and community.
Speaker 1: Is there a piece of etiquette advice that's outdated for
Speaker 1: today's world? Is there, you know, like an etiquette practice
Speaker 1: that we can just get rid of and throughout the window?
Speaker 4: Now at this point, ooh, so I say that etiquette
Speaker 4: changes every five years. I'd say before it used to
Speaker 4: be every ten years. But with the digital age, huh,
Speaker 4: everything's quicker, So every five years something is being outdated. So,
Speaker 4: for example, one off the top of my head, because
Speaker 4: I was just asked about this and in a recent interview,
Speaker 4: is how necessary is it to have handwritten notes?
Speaker 3: Handwritten thank you letters?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 4: Should you handwrite a thank you letter? Should you email
Speaker 4: a thank you letter? I said, it really depends. I mean,
Speaker 4: if let's say you're interviewing for a tech company or
Speaker 4: finance company and you send the interviewer a handwritten one, Firstly,
Speaker 4: it may take a couple days before they receive it,
Speaker 4: and secondly, you might seem out of touch because it's
Speaker 4: a tech company or a finance company. And whereas if
Speaker 4: let's say you just had to spend a nice vacation
Speaker 4: with a family, friend or somebody who's older.
Speaker 3: Then you might want to write a handwritten letter.
Speaker 4: So when some people say yes, everything has to be
Speaker 4: a handwritten thank you note, maybe fifteen years ago, but
Speaker 4: not today necessarily.
Speaker 2: So in tandem with this, let's talk about gift giving,
Speaker 2: because what I'm learning from you is that it's part
Speaker 2: thoughtfulness and part context. How do you determine the right
Speaker 2: gift for every occasion? Are there questions that you can
Speaker 2: ask yourself?
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, of course, the more you know about the receiver,
Speaker 4: the better. And then one thing that I talked about
Speaker 4: with gift giving that a lot of people that caught
Speaker 4: a lot of attention recently and I didn't anticipate would
Speaker 4: catch so much attention, is how people from different cultures,
Speaker 4: how they open their gifts. In Asian countries, if somebody
Speaker 4: gives me a gift, if I open it in front
Speaker 4: of them, it's usually seen as being greedy and having
Speaker 4: no self restraint. So if I were in an Asian
Speaker 4: country and somebody from Asia I gave me a gift,
Speaker 4: I would receive it, put it away, not give it
Speaker 4: any attention until they left right, and then open it then.
Speaker 4: Whereas in the States, if an American friend gives me
Speaker 4: a gift, I open up the cod right, make a
Speaker 4: huge fuss of it, read it out what like, line
Speaker 4: by line, and then ooh and ah over the packaging,
Speaker 4: undo the ribbon, open it up and say, oh my gosh,
Speaker 4: that's exactly what I wanted for my South of France
Speaker 4: summer vacation.
Speaker 1: That American accent.
Speaker 3: I've spent enough time in the States.
Speaker 4: And then and then when I do wear it or
Speaker 4: use it, I take a picture of it, post on
Speaker 4: Instagram stories and tag.
Speaker 1: Them, oh, yeah, that's me. I want to know that
Speaker 1: you liked it. I want you to open it in
Speaker 1: front of me. I want you to make a big deal.
Speaker 1: I want all the fanfare.
Speaker 2: But what you're talking about, too, is the etiquette of
Speaker 2: being a good receiver. Because I feel like I'm not
Speaker 2: as great of a receiver. I get embarrassed if I
Speaker 2: said my mom anything she called, oh, I love the
Speaker 2: color and I'm gonna wear it here. She's so specific.
Speaker 2: And I try and learn from that because it is
Speaker 2: your right. Somm like. It is really nice to hear
Speaker 2: feedback about again.
Speaker 4: You want you want to feed the ego of the giver.
Speaker 1: Right, These are such great tips Okay, we need to
Speaker 1: take a quick break, but when we come back, Etiquette
Speaker 1: Expert Sarah Jane Hoe, we'll share some advice on how
Speaker 1: to handle splitting the bill at a group dinner, how
Speaker 1: to politely end an awkward first date, and so much more.
Speaker 1: Stay with us. We're back with etiquette Expert Sarah Jane Hoe.
Speaker 2: Okay, you've shared such great advice today, so we want
Speaker 2: to get your take on some sticky social situation.
Speaker 3: Who bring it on?
Speaker 2: You're okay with that?
Speaker 3: Yep?
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna come out the gate pretty hot disciplining
Speaker 2: other people's children. So I'm gonna give you the situation.
Speaker 2: You're on an airplane. The family in front of you
Speaker 2: has two boys, ages five and seven. They're playing loud
Speaker 2: video games, lots of music, lots of dinging, and you've
Speaker 2: politely asked the parents if the children have headphones. They
Speaker 2: sort of dismiss you. What's the next step?
Speaker 4: Cool for the stewardo stewardess and tell them privately, say
Speaker 4: there's a huge ruckusts over there, because it needs to
Speaker 4: come from a place of authority, Okay, And if they
Speaker 4: say it, it's because clearly you tried it didn't work.
Speaker 3: And if they say it, then it should have more effect.
Speaker 1: Okay, I have a question about group dinner etiquette. People
Speaker 1: have different budgets. Some people don't drink, others have food sensitivities.
Speaker 1: How do you politely request to itemize a bill at
Speaker 1: a restaurant if you're uncomfortable with the financial expectation.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we've all been there. Maybe we came to the
Speaker 4: dinner late. Maybe we only had a main course, whereas
Speaker 4: another person had like five drinks.
Speaker 3: Right, so they make up eighty percent of the bill.
Speaker 3: And so here's the thing.
Speaker 4: If you're going to a group event, you kind of
Speaker 4: just have to buy the bullet and expect that it's
Speaker 4: not going to be sent for cent. But that's my
Speaker 4: personal thing is like, Okay, I'm gonna buy the bullet
Speaker 4: like it's a group thing.
Speaker 1: This is what I expect.
Speaker 4: I did an Instagram video on this, yeah, and got
Speaker 4: a lot of backlash about people being like, no, I
Speaker 4: only ate twenty one dollars worth, so I'm not gonna
Speaker 4: nobody should coerce me into pay more. And then ideally
Speaker 4: you have cash, because when you have credit card, it's
Speaker 4: very you don't want to be that one person amongst
Speaker 4: ten credit card, right, like, you know, holding the hostess
Speaker 4: up by like fifteen minutes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we've all either been that friend or been with
Speaker 1: that friend.
Speaker 4: Right, So then you you say, guys, I only had
Speaker 4: a Maine and it's twenty I'm gonna put in twenty
Speaker 4: five to include tip, and so here's my cash, you
Speaker 4: guys put the rest right, you have to bring cash.
Speaker 1: I want to know what some of your other hot
Speaker 1: take etiquette videos are. What are what are the videos
Speaker 1: the social videos that elicit the most responses and controversy.
Speaker 4: Well, oh, here was a fun one and it actually
Speaker 4: showed cultural context. So I get a lot of dms
Speaker 4: with questions and so I answer them by video. One
Speaker 4: of them was I often forget someone's name at a
Speaker 4: party or someone comes up to me, I forgot the name.
Speaker 3: How should I deal with it?
Speaker 4: And in my answer I said, I will never admit
Speaker 4: confess to letting on that I've forgotten who they are,
Speaker 4: and so I will say so some of the comments
Speaker 4: with you say oh, Sarah Jane, like so good to
Speaker 4: you again, and I'll be like, yes, gosh, when was
Speaker 4: the last time we met again? So I'm not lying, right,
Speaker 4: but I'm trying to ask for clues and hues so
Speaker 4: I can place them, and then, you know, maybe the
Speaker 4: most I'll ask somebody else what was their name? Or
Speaker 4: I'll say if I'm really desperate, if there's nobody else around,
Speaker 4: I'll say, yes, of course.
Speaker 3: I remember, So what was your name? Again?
Speaker 4: So I remember them, but I just didn't remember the name.
Speaker 4: And then there was some comments on that Instagram that said, oh,
Speaker 4: like why would you lie? You should just straight up
Speaker 4: and say, oh, I don't remember you, what's your name?
Speaker 1: You have to lie sometimes that's etiquette.
Speaker 3: And so and yeah.
Speaker 4: So I was like, this is really interesting, and there
Speaker 4: were quite a number of comments saying like, oh, you
Speaker 4: shouldn't lie. It's bad to lie. It's bad to lie,
Speaker 4: like da da da da da. Just just it's as
Speaker 4: simple as that. Just be like I'm sorry, I forgot
Speaker 4: who you are?
Speaker 3: What's your name?
Speaker 4: And so I thought, and I was like, well, this
Speaker 4: is super interesting. And then I respond to the comments
Speaker 4: and I said, maybe this is a cultural difference because
Speaker 4: I'm from Asia, and in Asia there's a huge thing
Speaker 4: about giving people face. You don't want to let other
Speaker 4: people lose face, so embarrassing them losing face, I mean
Speaker 4: it's you would rather like lie and say you remember them,
Speaker 4: whereas like if you say, what is your name? I
Speaker 4: forgot who you are. That's the ultimate offense. That's like
Speaker 4: telling people they're worthless and they're nobody in Asian cultures,
Speaker 4: whereas and I said, maybe in an American culture, maybe
Speaker 4: it's okay.
Speaker 1: I always bring a friend over and introduce them. That's
Speaker 1: my hack.
Speaker 3: It's the best hack.
Speaker 1: And then they I get them to say their name
Speaker 1: so I can record it exactly. Nobody knows they're none
Speaker 1: the wiser.
Speaker 3: That's the number one go to tip.
Speaker 2: Okay, Sarah Jane, we have some listener questions for you.
Speaker 3: Love listening to questions. Let's hear it first step.
Speaker 6: Hi, sar Jeane, thank you so much for taking my question.
Speaker 6: My name is Emma, and I am out there. I'm
Speaker 6: trying to date, but it's pretty exhausting and I just
Speaker 6: want to know what's a way that I can gracefully
Speaker 6: excuse myself from a date when I realize there's not
Speaker 6: a connection. And I'm not talking about the minute I
Speaker 6: sit down. I'm just saying I've had one drink, it's
Speaker 6: not working. How do I call a quick ending to
Speaker 6: the encounter.
Speaker 3: Thanks so much, Emma, I love you, I am you.
Speaker 2: I am so happy you asked this, Sarah Jane.
Speaker 1: What do you think?
Speaker 4: Yeah, And so this is why for first dates, you
Speaker 4: never wanted to be dinner or a meal or something
Speaker 4: where you're forced to spend you know, sixty to ninety minutes.
Speaker 4: So smart a coffee or a drink is the best
Speaker 4: way to go. I would even say stall with coffee
Speaker 4: because you want to see what they look like in daytime,
Speaker 4: and with drinks so you can still control that. But
Speaker 4: it just feels like drinks may need to be longer
Speaker 4: than a coffee. Now, I would say, even with a coffee,
Speaker 4: at least give it fifteen minutes, Like, you know, the
Speaker 4: person put.
Speaker 3: Their face on, put their clothes on, they traveled over
Speaker 3: here to meet you.
Speaker 2: Fifteen is very short.
Speaker 4: I'm saying minimum. That's what I've done on a first date.
Speaker 4: About maybe I probably did twenty minutes. Was when I
Speaker 4: then looked at my watch and I said, well, you know,
Speaker 4: it was thank you so much for.
Speaker 3: Coming out and meeting with me.
Speaker 4: And what do you have planned for the rest of
Speaker 4: the day. Hey, listen, like there's only twenty four hours
Speaker 4: in a day. If you want to give longer, if
Speaker 4: you have more time in your day, you want to
Speaker 4: give thirty minutes, you want to give forty five minutes,
Speaker 4: that's up to you. But the best way to end
Speaker 4: it is to then ask them, well, it was so
Speaker 4: great meeting you, so what do you have planned for
Speaker 4: the rest of the day, because that pushes them there
Speaker 4: attention from like being on you to oh I need
Speaker 4: to go pick up my kids. Oh I need to
Speaker 4: you know, go to the post office or run an errand,
Speaker 4: and then you maybe look at your watch say oh, gosh,
Speaker 4: like I just realized, like I need to go back
Speaker 4: and meet at four o'clock deadline something for my boss
Speaker 4: that they wanted. If that's still talking, but I'm in
Speaker 4: a rush, I don't want it to be too abrupt,
Speaker 4: so I'll say, oh, let's walk in talk, let's walk
Speaker 4: to our cause that's a good one.
Speaker 1: Right up, next, we've got a question from a Sebastian
Speaker 1: in Los Angeles.
Speaker 5: Either My name is Sebastian and I just had a
Speaker 5: quick question on proper host etiquette.
Speaker 1: How do you.
Speaker 5: Politely uninvite someone from a party that you had previously
Speaker 5: invited while still maintaining your friendship with them and doing
Speaker 5: so in a polite manner.
Speaker 4: Listen, we've all been there when we're like, ah, Okay,
Speaker 4: maybe I should have invited this person. It really is
Speaker 4: bad etiquette to disinvite them. But what you can say
Speaker 4: is you can say something like, oh, we've moved the meal.
Speaker 4: We're postponing the dinner because the guests of honor can't
Speaker 4: make it, or like blah blah blah.
Speaker 3: This only works if they don't know the other people.
Speaker 4: Who are coming right then you can say, ah, I'm
Speaker 4: moving the meal to another day. I'll let you know
Speaker 4: when it is, and then you just don't let them
Speaker 4: know when the other days, or you wait till another
Speaker 4: time when it's better to invite them and you include them.
Speaker 3: If they do know.
Speaker 4: The other people going, then that can be awkward. It
Speaker 4: also depends like, are you what's the reason that you're
Speaker 4: uninviting them for? Have they done something to greatly offend
Speaker 4: you in the interim? In that case, you can be honest.
Speaker 4: You can say, listen, like what you did to me
Speaker 4: for blah blah blah really hurt me. I'm not ready
Speaker 4: to see you or speak to you right now, and
Speaker 4: I'm not comfortable with you coming to my dinner anymore.
Speaker 3: I need some time and I'll reach out when I'm ready.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 4: If let's say they didn't do anything and you just
Speaker 4: want to uninvite them from the dinner, that's a little trickier.
Speaker 4: Just make sure you don't post on social media and
Speaker 4: make sure everybody else is in the no. But then
Speaker 4: the risk with that is it could get back to them.
Speaker 1: I that that's really good.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much, great, thank you, Simone, Thank you, Danielle.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Sarah Jane Sarah Jane Hoe is an author, et aiquidd expert,
Speaker 2: and Daytime Emmy nominated host of Mine Your Manners on Netflix.
Speaker 1: That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're popping off with
Speaker 1: Taren Delaney Smith and achiang Agutu, co hosts of Hello,
Speaker 1: Sunshine's new talk show.
Speaker 2: Influenced Listen and Follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: I'm Simone Voice. You can find me at Simone Voice
Speaker 1: on Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 2: I'm Danielle Robe on Instagram and TikTok. That's ro b
Speaker 2: a Y.
Speaker 1: We'll see you tomorrow, keep looking on the bright side,