WEBVTT - Whole-Relationship Red Flags with Julianna Margulies 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:05.680 Oh hello everybody. Hi, Hi Katherine, Hi, how are you, Chelsey. 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:08.160 I'm We're gonna get started right away today with my 0:00:08.280 --> 0:00:13.720 upcoming stand up dates. I'm coming to Hawaii on July one, ohho, 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:17.479 July three to Maui, and I'll be at the Just 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:21.200 for Last Comedy Festival in Montreal July hosting a gala, 0:00:21.440 --> 0:00:25.360 a gala also pronounced as gala. I am in Vancouver 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:29.840 August twelve, two shows in Vancouver. I'm in Calgary Saturday, 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:34.400 August thirteen and Sunday August four. That's Calgary. And then 0:00:34.400 --> 0:00:37.000 I have tons of dates coming up in the fall, 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:44.640 starting with Saratoga, California, Niagara Falls, Long Beach, California, Bakersfield, California, 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:52.120 Pasa Roblais, California, Wheatland, California, and lots of places in Florida, Tampa, 0:00:52.159 --> 0:00:55.680 Fort Myers, Daytona Beach, Hollywood, Florida, and the list goes 0:00:55.720 --> 0:00:58.240 on and on. Oh in San Diego and Riverside, California. 0:00:58.280 --> 0:01:02.280 So lots of dates in California and Tucson, Colorado. Springs. Anyway, 0:01:02.320 --> 0:01:05.039 go to Chelsea Handler dot com for your tickets. I 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:07.240 will see you guys all there. These will be the 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:10.520 final dates of my Vaccinated and Horny tour, and I 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:13.240 can't wait to see all of you in person now 0:01:13.240 --> 0:01:19.000 that everybody, well most people are vaccinated and officially horny. 0:01:19.040 --> 0:01:21.760 That's with three ease at the end of Catherine, just 0:01:21.800 --> 0:01:25.400 in case you didn't know how to spell horny perfect Anyway, 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:28.000 I am getting ready to go to Hawaii with our 0:01:28.080 --> 0:01:31.399 eighteen nieces and nephews. I think it's a team, but 0:01:31.400 --> 0:01:33.200 the number keeps increasing every day. I don't know if 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:35.960 people are giving birth each day in Joe's family or what, 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:38.880 but we have already exceeded the maximum capacity in the 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:41.160 house that we've rented. I have seven of my nieces 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:44.679 and nephews coming, and then Joe has like twelve, and 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:49.240 then some other miscellaneous people will not miscellaneous people friends, 0:01:49.280 --> 0:01:52.760 but like at additions. So we are about to embark 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:56.840 on a two week vacation with adult children. Wow. That's 0:01:56.880 --> 0:01:58.960 kind of the dream though, like when I moved to 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:03.000 kill the children it is. I'm like, I just want 0:02:03.000 --> 0:02:05.520 to be the fun aunt who like lives in California 0:02:05.520 --> 0:02:07.840 and they get to come visit and summer with me. 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:10.840 That's all I want. I know, I know, I did 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:13.760 you know I was very passionate about that. When I 0:02:13.840 --> 0:02:16.560 was starting to come up and becoming successful, all I 0:02:16.600 --> 0:02:19.960 wanted to do was like shower attention and spoil them. 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:24.560 And now I don't have that same passion set. I 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:26.840 love to be around them, but I don't. I'm not 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.600 like I'm but Joe is. Joe has that passion, so 0:02:29.639 --> 0:02:31.560 he's gonna have to so he'll bring it out in me, 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:35.359 which is interesting because he has a kid, so you'd 0:02:35.400 --> 0:02:37.640 think that most of that energy would go towards just 0:02:37.760 --> 0:02:39.840 his own No. No, he spreads a love. That's what 0:02:39.880 --> 0:02:41.880 I love about him is he's not even just about 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:43.840 his own kid. He's about he loves watching all the 0:02:43.880 --> 0:02:47.200 kids together, all the cousins together. You know. So now 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:49.880 we're joining our families. Hopefully we'll see if there are 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:56.880 any hookups. Joe's like, you're dirty, He's like, what are 0:02:56.919 --> 0:02:59.680 you saying. I'm like, well, it's possible. I mean it 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:02.400 worked with you two. The girls, the girls in my 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:05.080 family are on my side. I'll have boyfriends, so they 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:07.840 probably won't be a hook up, but you never know. 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:13.080 There's chemistry. Yeah, anything can happen in Hawaii. It's a 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:16.760 romantic setting, exactly my dad once went to Hawaii on 0:03:16.760 --> 0:03:19.120 like a business trip without my mom and he was like, 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:21.880 I will never go back as a one person by myself. 0:03:22.680 --> 0:03:25.480 It was like it was terrible. He wasn't even heartbroken, 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:29.000 and he was like, this is for couples. It's exactly, 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:32.280 it is for couples. Our guest today has a book 0:03:32.320 --> 0:03:35.360 out just came out in paperback. It's called Sunshine Girl, 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:37.560 An Unexpected Life. You know her from her work on 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:40.080 e Er, The Good Wife and now the Morning show 0:03:40.080 --> 0:03:43.640 on Apple TV pull Us. She is an Emmy, Golden 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:49.200 Globe and sag Ward winner. Please welcome Julianna Margulis. Hi. Julianna, Hi, Chelsea. 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:52.120 I'm so happy to see you in person, so happy. 0:03:52.320 --> 0:03:54.280 The last time we saw each other was at the Beacon, 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:56.440 at my show at the Beacon. Yeah, you came to 0:03:56.520 --> 0:04:01.000 the show. Thank you for coming. I've always always loved you. 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:04.320 I've always loved you admired your work. We've met over 0:04:04.360 --> 0:04:08.720 the years at different social events, different boyfriends houses. I 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:12.000 say boyfriends concerning me because you've been married for quite 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:15.440 some time now to your lover and a half years. 0:04:15.440 --> 0:04:17.240 Oh that's not that. Actually, I would have thought you 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:20.240 were married longer than that. But we've been together sixteen years, 0:04:20.320 --> 0:04:22.960 sixteen years, sixteen and a half. But I love your 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:26.120 love story, which you talk about in your book Sunshine Girl, 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:28.800 which if you haven't read that book already, congratulations on 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:31.520 the success of your book, because I know it's been 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:34.000 on the New York Times Bestseller for how many weeks. 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:36.120 I don't know, Yeah, I don't. I don't know that 0:04:36.120 --> 0:04:38.320 type of person who would pay attention to that. And 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:40.039 I can vouch for her when she says that she 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:42.279 means it. I was just happy you guys sent a 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:43.480 car for me today. I thought I was going to 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:45.560 be on the subwhere you have a very like a 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:49.920 thrifty mentality. Regardless of how much success you've had over 0:04:49.960 --> 0:04:51.920 the years, with all of your shows with e Er, 0:04:52.120 --> 0:04:55.279 with The Good Wife, with everything in between, you still 0:04:55.320 --> 0:04:58.920 act like you are scraping pennies together. It is bizarre. 0:04:59.120 --> 0:05:01.360 I mean literally, just before I got here, I sent 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.680 my this. I hate saying assistant, but I sent my 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:08.640 assistant on vacation because he needed it. He really need 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:10.800 a vacation. My husband's in London, my kids in school, 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:13.599 and my housekeeper. After reading your book, I was laughing 0:05:13.640 --> 0:05:15.880 at myself because I have a housekeeper who comes twice 0:05:15.880 --> 0:05:18.839 a week, and Tuesday she comes, and I thought, how 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:20.160 am I going to walk the dog before I get 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:22.440 in the car to come to see Chelsea. And then 0:05:22.480 --> 0:05:24.400 I literally went. I went up to her. She's been 0:05:24.400 --> 0:05:26.839 my housekeeper for twenty years, and I said, Sam, any 0:05:26.920 --> 0:05:30.520 chance you want to make some extra cash? And I 0:05:30.600 --> 0:05:32.880 handed her money to go and walk my dog. But 0:05:32.920 --> 0:05:34.640 I hadn't even thought of that until I was like 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:36.240 putting on makeup, going I'm not gonna be able to 0:05:36.240 --> 0:05:38.880 walk the dog. First of all, my housekeeper takes my 0:05:38.920 --> 0:05:40.919 dog every time I leave, which is I haven't been 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:43.640 home in three weeks. We never even discussed it. She 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:47.840 takes both dogs, and she has full full she has 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:51.320 She is their mother and she has full control over 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:53.760 their schedules. And sometimes when I come back into town, 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:55.960 if because I've been on tour for the better part 0:05:55.960 --> 0:05:57.839 of a year, if I come back on a Saturday, 0:05:57.920 --> 0:05:59.640 I have maybe a couple of days to spend with 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:02.120 my baby bees. She won't even bring them back for 0:06:02.240 --> 0:06:04.719 me on the Saturday. She'll bring them back on Monday 0:06:04.800 --> 0:06:06.919 when she comes back. When she comes back to work 0:06:07.000 --> 0:06:09.880 is when she brings the dogs suits. Yeah, whatever suits her, 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:13.480 and we have a power dynamic that is in her favor. 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:15.880 So I have no say in this situation. But it's 0:06:15.880 --> 0:06:17.680 so good. Yeah, and I mean it should be a 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:20.159 television show, all right now, Well, actually, that's funny you 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:22.040 mentioned that we're making it into a television show. It 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:24.280 should be. We're making my last book into a show. 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:26.120 For Peacock life will be the death of me. And 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:29.039 a big part of the story is my cleaning lady 0:06:29.120 --> 0:06:31.840 and my dog's relationship because she's been my cleaning lady 0:06:31.880 --> 0:06:36.159 for fifteen years and she calls me baby Pig. That's 0:06:36.160 --> 0:06:38.159 her nickname for me, and so a lot of my 0:06:38.200 --> 0:06:41.800 friends also call me baby pig Pig. It's a long story. 0:06:42.000 --> 0:06:45.320 It involves chocolate nutclusters, but we can get into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:47.320 we can get into that at another time. I want 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:49.200 to talk a bit about your book because we have 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:51.640 some commonalities that I think are going to surprise you. 0:06:52.279 --> 0:06:56.120 One is our love for Carly Simon. I also love 0:06:56.200 --> 0:07:00.599 Carly Simon. Yeah. I grew up with her son and 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:03.440 Ben and Sally, her son and daughter. I used to 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:05.920 hang out with Sally and there was a bunch of girls. 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:08.200 I hung out with them Martha's Vineyard and we would 0:07:08.240 --> 0:07:10.320 go over to Carly Simon's house and I had never 0:07:10.360 --> 0:07:12.520 met it. I was probably like eleven twelve years old. 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:14.960 I had never met a celebrity, and I remember Carly 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:17.440 Simon came out and then James Taylor was always around. 0:07:17.440 --> 0:07:20.200 But had you listened to her music before you met her? Oh? Yeah, 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:22.800 my whole family because of the vineyard, Like Carly Simon 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:24.800 is gospel up there, you know. I mean she should 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:28.239 be gospel everywhere, but primarily because she lives on the vineyard, 0:07:28.640 --> 0:07:31.840 and so our whole family is whiz down with Carly Simon. 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:33.920 And I remember going over to her house and I 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:35.960 was hanging out with all my girlfriends and they ordered 0:07:36.000 --> 0:07:39.960 pizza and Carly Simon came out to the pool and 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:42.960 she was picking up the pizza and I just was like, 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.760 oh my god, no, she can't carry pizza boxes. And 0:07:45.800 --> 0:07:47.760 I got up and was like grabbing them out of 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:50.160 her hands like an idiot, you know, like a sycophan. 0:07:50.800 --> 0:07:53.040 And I was just a little girl. I'm like, no, no, no, no, 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:55.040 I'll carry those for you. And I remember being so 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:57.640 so nervous, and then I remember the next time I 0:07:57.680 --> 0:07:58.800 went over there, I was like, you've got to get 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:01.680 to get it together, Like she's this is embarrassing. Mean, 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:05.440 while I was a little girl like charmed by it. Yeah, doubtful. 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:08.040 I wasn't that charming. But that we have in common 0:08:08.040 --> 0:08:10.240 our love for Carly Simon. And then another thing we 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:15.280 have in common is being prompt and early for everything, 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:19.760 because nobody ever picked you up from school. I mean, I, 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:23.280 I got here eight minutes early. I got here, I 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.840 got here fourteen minutes early. I have to be early. 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:28.760 Even if I try to be late, I get somewhere 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:30.560 and then I have to sit in the car and 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:32.679 wait so I don't look like a dick for getting 0:08:32.679 --> 0:08:34.600 there so early. It's the story of my life. That's 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:36.840 why I married my husband because he was early to 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:40.920 our first date and I was early and embarrassed, and 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:42.400 I walked in and he was already at the bar, 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.559 half a drinking. He's like, I'm gonna marry you. Well, 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:47.400 I'm glad that you even went to that dinner party 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:49.079 because you weren't going to go to that dinner party. 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.400 I wasn't going to go. And then you recalled a 0:08:51.400 --> 0:08:53.440 piece of advice that your father had given you, which 0:08:53.480 --> 0:08:57.000 is you know you never was your grandfather my father's father. Yeah, 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.080 the book was originally called The Left instead of a Right. 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:02.000 You never know, but I don't know. Random House didn't 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:04.320 think it was a good title. Publishers never liked the 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:07.319 titles that we come up with. Yeah, I mean, I've 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:09.080 come up with every title from my book and my 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:11.720 current book that I'm working on. I wanted to be 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:16.120 called the Filipino in Me as a double ententtra It's 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:19.600 so good, I know, because it means two things. It 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:22.480 means the one thing and then it means all the 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:25.679 things that he brings out in me right. And they're like, well, 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:27.560 I feel like they're going to tell me that it's 0:09:27.559 --> 0:09:29.520 going to exclude a certain part of the prob just 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:32.880 because it's Filipino means it's only geared towards Filipino. From 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:35.920 six New York Times bestseller books, Chelsea, I think you 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:38.160 can call it whatever the funk you want to Thank you, Julia. 0:09:38.240 --> 0:09:42.080 That's to my editors. Okay, I hope you're listening, But 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:44.440 back to your book, you take us through. I was 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:46.120 just saying this off air, but I want to say 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.559 it on air. You take us through a story. Your 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:50.680 book is so well done because there's a beginning, in 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:52.680 the middle and an end, which I appreciate as an 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:56.960 avid reader of memoirs, and you answer all the questions 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:59.560 that you raise throughout the book, Like I was like, well, 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:01.320 what's going to happen with Alec? And then what's going 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:03.520 to happen with this? And they're better be closure on 0:10:03.559 --> 0:10:06.200 the relationship and you better actually call your father out 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:09.200 and you wrap everything up and you know, you answer 0:10:09.240 --> 0:10:11.600 all the questions the reader has going through the book 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:14.240 with you. But I think would surprise me most about 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:20.080 your book is how tough you are and how much 0:10:21.040 --> 0:10:23.640 ship you had to endure as a little girl and 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:28.080 just tough it out without crying because our dispositions are different. 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:30.400 I was a spoiled brat and if I didn't get 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:33.280 what I wanted, if I my parents pulled any nonsense 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:35.360 that I wasn't down with, like they never heard the 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:38.839 end of it. So reading about you always wanted your 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:44.480 father's approval and adoration and not being able to stand 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:47.720 up for yourself and just kind of be dragged around 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:50.800 the world by your mother, who you know, whose priorities 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:53.840 were all over the shop, which you know, you bring 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:55.840 up a great point in which every one of us 0:10:55.840 --> 0:10:57.880 realizes when we get older, is that our parents are 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:01.120 people too. They're not just our parents, they actual yeah, 0:11:01.160 --> 0:11:03.839 and they make mistakes. Yeah, And god, I hope my 0:11:03.920 --> 0:11:06.120 kid knows that when he gets older, because I'm sure 0:11:06.160 --> 0:11:09.440 I'm making a million mistakes. But that being said, my 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:13.040 mother made a few colossal mistakes. So how does that 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:16.240 when you have that disposition growing up? You want to 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:18.640 be sunshine girl, you want to be the smiley girl. 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:20.760 You don't want to upset your visits with your father 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:24.040 because some of them sometimes they had been far few 0:11:24.080 --> 0:11:27.120 and far between, right, and you lived all over the place. 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:29.760 You lived in England, you lived in Paris, that was later, 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:31.720 but you your mom kind of dragged you back and 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:36.400 forth to England a couple of times. Paris, England, New York, England, 0:11:37.320 --> 0:11:41.480 New Hampshire, England, mostly England, mostly England, and sometimes not 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:47.040 under the most ideal circumstances. And so how does one 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:50.640 person going through all of that, when do you learn 0:11:50.720 --> 0:11:53.360 to stand up for yourself? You know it was weird 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:55.960 is once I got out of middle school and was 0:11:55.960 --> 0:11:58.960 in high school, I seem to stand up for myself 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:03.160 in glass and with friends more than I could at 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:05.160 home or than I could with my dad, for sure, 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:07.240 because I only wanted him to love me because we 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:09.280 had so little time together. I didn't want it. I 0:12:09.360 --> 0:12:12.319 never wanted him to disapprove, and I stood up to 0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:14.440 my mother by the time I got became a teenager 0:12:14.720 --> 0:12:18.000 all the time. But with men, what I started to 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:21.000 find out with all these relationships I had these long 0:12:21.120 --> 0:12:23.760 term five years, five years and then ten years. I 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:27.440 just would shut up, and I realized I was just 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:30.840 by the time I was thirty five, I was in 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:35.480 those relationships because it's what I knew. It's how I 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.800 knew how to be around difficult people like your mom, 0:12:39.080 --> 0:12:41.800 like my mom. So you were mimicking your relationship with 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:44.160 men like a lot of people don't talk about that. 0:12:44.200 --> 0:12:46.960 People say, oh, it's your father, your relationship with your father. 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:49.559 If that's fractured, then you have your daddy issues or 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:52.320 however you want to frame that, and that's a replication 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:55.000 of your relationship with your father. But it is true 0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:58.320 that we replicate the most difficult relationships. Yeah, And I 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:00.839 think also I was looking for a permanent relationship when 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:03.800 I was fifteen, and so I was with a guy, 0:13:04.080 --> 0:13:06.679 a wonderful guy actually, and we're still we still text 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:09.679 each other to this day. He was the mechanic who 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:12.960 could build any house. And the truth is he was 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:14.880 five years older than me, which is a big difference 0:13:14.880 --> 0:13:17.560 when you're fifteen and someone's twenty. Well, it's also illegal. 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:22.960 I have one of those. Yeah, I don't, because that 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:24.880 that's happened to me too. I was writing about it 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:26.679 one book, My Matter is like, you know this is illegal. 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:28.520 You're gonna get him in trouble. And I'm like, well, 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:32.040 now there's a statue of limitations, so don't worry going 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:33.960 to get in trouble. And I would like to make 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:36.520 the argument that at fifteen, I was fucking forty five, 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:39.040 so I see where you're coming from. For me, it 0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:41.040 was like he called all the shots because he was 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:42.880 the adult. He had the car, he had the you know, 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:45.080 he was out of school. He was picking me up 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:47.559 on his motorcycle. You know. There was something about him 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:49.760 for me that was like, oh I found home. Yeah, 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:53.200 of course. And so I didn't really have a voice. 0:13:53.679 --> 0:13:54.960 I didn't say I don't like this, I don't like 0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:56.680 that until I got to college. And then I was like, 0:13:56.720 --> 0:13:59.600 you know what, I think we're We're done because I started, 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:01.240 I wanted to explore, and then, of course I end 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:05.199 up with a man who's gay for how many years? 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:08.720 Another five years? Another five I'm I'm a loyalist, for sure. 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:11.520 I stayed very loyal, But I stayed in them because 0:14:11.520 --> 0:14:14.480 I didn't want to upset anybody, right, I didn't want 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:16.320 to hurt anybody. I didn't want to be the bad 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:18.839 guy I used to have. I used to have these 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:22.880 visions of the Tenure relationship, which was really the difficult relationship. 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:25.240 The other two I'm really good friends with, but the 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:28.040 Tenure relationship. I used to have these fantasies that I'd 0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:30.880 come home from work and I'd find a woman in 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:33.280 my he was living in my house. I'd find a 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:36.040 woman in my bed with him, and then I could 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:38.880 leave because I have a reason and it wouldn't be 0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:41.200 my fault. That was the scenario I played every time 0:14:41.240 --> 0:14:43.760 I drove into the driveway. It's amazing to me, it's horrible, 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:45.840 it's just amazing to me. And I won't pretend that 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:47.720 I didn't google who that person was that you were 0:14:47.720 --> 0:14:50.040 talking about, because I did. I had to find out 0:14:50.040 --> 0:14:52.760 who you were talking about. But don't you think I tactfully? Yes? 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:54.520 And the reason I don't name him is because this 0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:56.680 book isn't I don't want to throw anyone under the bus. 0:14:56.720 --> 0:15:00.120 I want to talk about my as a woman, my 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:03.400 reaction to this. It was my fault. You know, I 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:06.040 have to take responsibility. And it wasn't until I realized 0:15:06.200 --> 0:15:08.560 when I was in therapy twice a week for a 0:15:08.640 --> 0:15:12.120 year after I left that relationship, that was really my mom. 0:15:12.280 --> 0:15:14.440 He was my mom because that was always eggshells, not 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:18.200 knowing what mood, what country, what boyfriend, what whatever she 0:15:18.360 --> 0:15:22.040 was throwing at me. I obviously was comfortable with with 0:15:22.200 --> 0:15:25.640 the uncomfortable nous, But I mean I beat myself up 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:27.720 for a good year, going who are you? Why did 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:31.480 you allow that you weren't happy? And that's a lot 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:33.600 of what the book is about is like finding your 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:36.640 own narrative. You don't have to hold onto your childhood, 0:15:37.240 --> 0:15:39.600 but we do. We do. And then, and I think 0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:41.560 you know, mentioning therapy after you get out of a 0:15:41.560 --> 0:15:45.040 difficult relationship is so relatable to so many listeners because 0:15:45.040 --> 0:15:48.280 it's only after I was in a very troubling relationship 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:50.280 probably one of the last times I met you was 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:53.040 at his house upstate, New York. And that was a 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:57.320 completely unhealthy relationship where I was not I had no agency, 0:15:57.440 --> 0:15:59.480 I had no for me, you know, I could tell 0:15:59.600 --> 0:16:01.680 the person and that I a spouse and the person 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:03.960 that people think that I am or perceived me to be. 0:16:04.360 --> 0:16:07.120 Like everything just flew out the window with the chemistry 0:16:07.160 --> 0:16:09.880 between us. It was just so off. And again I 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:13.080 can't blame him. I participated in that, But when you 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:16.760 come out of that kind of relationship, you it is 0:16:16.760 --> 0:16:19.000 your responsibility to do the work to figure out why 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.880 you stayed in that relationship. And then I do believe 0:16:21.920 --> 0:16:24.640 that's what draws the right person to you, absolutely, because 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:26.920 you get healthy and then you bring a healthy towards you. 0:16:27.000 --> 0:16:30.000 And I think it's for me, especially for me because 0:16:30.000 --> 0:16:32.680 I had overlap boyfriend since I was fifteen to thirty five. 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:37.240 For me, it was finally being happy being alone. Yeah, right, 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:38.800 what you talk about in the book, and I talked 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:42.040 about that, like my my favorite Valentine's I hate Valentine's Day. 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:45.160 It's such as it's like I can't believe these people 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:47.480 make money off of a d like that drives my 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:49.960 husband's like, we'll celebrate the day we met, because that, 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:54.480 to me is Valentine's daying like great, But I was 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:56.760 working on the last season of The Sopranos and um, 0:16:56.800 --> 0:16:58.400 and it was Valentine's Day and I got off work 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:01.040 early and I just moved into this great loft and 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:04.679 soho and by myself, a three bedroom loft, and so 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:06.520 like for me, I was like, oh my god, I'm 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:08.720 looking especially for you. You can't even believe you have 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:12.440 a house today. I can't. I can't. And I went 0:17:12.440 --> 0:17:14.800 to my favorite bookstore, McNally's on Prince Street, and I 0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:16.960 bought three books that I really wanted to read, and 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:19.160 I made myself a bubble bath, poured a glass wine, 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:21.720 put on the music I wanted to listen to, and 0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:25.679 spent Valentine's Day night in the tub with a glass 0:17:25.720 --> 0:17:28.359 of wine and my book. And I was in heaven. 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:31.960 And three days later I met my husband. Yeah, it's 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:34.440 like you find peace within yourself and then you then 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:37.920 you are able to recognize also to see right, to 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:41.200 recognize what is the best thing for you rather than 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:44.600 to perpetuate old habits. Well, and what makes me happy, 0:17:44.960 --> 0:17:47.200 not what makes them happy, and so when I when 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:50.320 I met Keith, it was this is who I am, 0:17:50.560 --> 0:17:52.480 Take it or leave it. And I had this in 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:56.040 the book and I got edited out. I did have 0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:58.200 a great editor, and there's no fat on the book. 0:17:58.200 --> 0:17:59.960 We we there's a whole other book on the floor 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:02.479 or But there was this great moment. Keith and I 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:05.080 had had a really fun night out. We were a 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:10.080 little a lot hungover, and I had this white runner 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:13.040 in the hallway from my bedroom to the kitchen and 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.640 we woke up. We were probably four weeks, five weeks 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:18.119 into the relationship, and it was Sunday morning. You know, 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:20.359 nothing better than like making coffee and getting on the 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:22.639 couch with the paper or whatever. I was. It was 0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:25.359 heaven for me. And we're walking down and he's behind me, 0:18:25.400 --> 0:18:27.679 and we're walking down the hallway and I see this 0:18:27.840 --> 0:18:31.920 huge ball of fluff on the carpet and I bent 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:34.840 down to pick it up because that is who I am. 0:18:34.920 --> 0:18:37.720 And he went, seriously, can we have coffee first before 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:40.639 you start cleaning? He was saying it sweetly, not judgmentally. 0:18:41.240 --> 0:18:45.119 And I hovered over that piece of fluff and I 0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:47.200 picked it up and I turned around and I said, 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.160 this is who I am. No matter how hungover I am, 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:53.720 I will always clean up. And he went great, my 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:56.280 apartments down the street you wanted, I have tons of 0:18:56.280 --> 0:18:58.800 fluff balls feel free. But it was one of those 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:02.280 for me, a defined moment that I had found myself 0:19:02.560 --> 0:19:05.679 and a relationship. That was in the galley because I 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:08.080 read that that's what you sent me originally, and I've 0:19:08.080 --> 0:19:10.199 read that scene and that's not in the book that 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:14.439 I've reread this week, So that was in the galley. Yeah, 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:17.000 that's interesting that you cut that out, cutting out fat. 0:19:17.040 --> 0:19:19.200 It's so hard to edit, you know sometimes when you're 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:21.720