Speaker 1: Also media.
Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Robert Evans here. It has been quite a summer.
Speaker 2: We've had two political conventions and I am just drained.
Speaker 2: So again, we are taking a week off and running
Speaker 2: a rerun this week. We do that occasionally because everyone
Speaker 2: deserves time off, including every now and then me. I
Speaker 2: did want to note this is an old episode on
Speaker 2: the Latter Days of l Ron Hubbard, one of our
Speaker 2: beloved podcast subjects, with Michael Swain and Abe Eperson, two
Speaker 2: of my old friends from Cracked dot com. They both
Speaker 2: have a podcast network called small Beans, which you can
Speaker 2: back on Patreon and you can find whoever podcasts are.
Speaker 2: And I also wanted to note and plug my friend
Speaker 2: Michael's novel The Climb. It's an epic fantasy memoir with
Speaker 2: some you know, magic realism elements to it. You can
Speaker 2: google The Climb Michael Swain Patreon. You can also look
Speaker 2: up The Climb wherever books are sold. I'm seeing it
Speaker 2: right now on the Barnes and Noble website. There's a
Speaker 2: bunch of other places that you can find The Climb,
Speaker 2: So check out The Climb. Michael Swain just typed that
Speaker 2: into Google. And here's the end of l Ron Hubbard
Speaker 2: what again, l ronning my Hubbard's It's part two Hubbard's
Speaker 2: Death episode, my guests, as with last time, Abe Epperson,
Speaker 2: Michael Swain, none of you will have noticed the joke
Speaker 2: in that, but I pointed to the wrong person. It
Speaker 2: did not translate visually hilarious. Another thing that's not going
Speaker 2: to translate visually is me getting ready the next product
Speaker 2: I'm going to throw during this episode, and tired of
Speaker 2: the bagels.
Speaker 1: So Robert took out his big knife and I'm stabbing
Speaker 1: a plastic of a many many Kleenex boxes.
Speaker 3: He pulled on off.
Speaker 2: I'm going to be throwing clean X boxes. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: throw the first one.
Speaker 4: Man.
Speaker 3: I went to the window right between.
Speaker 5: Us, right between the windows and to the walls. Yeah,
Speaker 5: and if you know the rest of that song, you
Speaker 5: know why we need so much clean ax. Yeah, we
Speaker 5: got a ten pack. Is a ten pack of throwing.
Speaker 3: It is a lot of clean That is a lot
Speaker 3: of clean Ex.
Speaker 2: We'll throw all of them by the end of this episode.
Speaker 5: I thought you were gonna pop open one of those
Speaker 5: bad boys and throw individual Kleenex. But that's not as impact.
Speaker 2: That does not have the impact of throwing a whole
Speaker 2: box of clean.
Speaker 5: Is it important to you that the box be filled
Speaker 5: with Kleenex? There could have just be a box with
Speaker 5: a similar weight.
Speaker 2: I think I'm just gonna throw a lot of stuff
Speaker 2: over the course of the rest of my career.
Speaker 5: Understood.
Speaker 2: I like I like tossing.
Speaker 6: I like throwing.
Speaker 2: M hmm, both good things, both fun.
Speaker 5: Get some salads in here for you, I would love
Speaker 5: to toss them.
Speaker 3: Hello everyone on their early morning comute.
Speaker 5: Welcome the Robert and the pig and the other pig.
Speaker 5: It's your drive times.
Speaker 2: You know what I hate? Drive times?
Speaker 6: You?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was a good one. Sophie.
Speaker 2: Who cleans up in here?
Speaker 5: Is it me?
Speaker 3: Oh? It's you, it's Sophie. Well, just got a said.
Speaker 2: We've already established the joke. So this is going to
Speaker 2: keep happening, and there's no way to stop it.
Speaker 6: I can't.
Speaker 1: I can't over exaggerate your lack of enthusiasms.
Speaker 5: So far, you pick pretty easy things to clean up.
Speaker 5: When it evolves to throwing confetti, I'm just.
Speaker 2: Gonna throw ornaments, shatter them against the walls.
Speaker 1: Just pushlas everything, push pins everywhere, push pins like a
Speaker 1: home alone that you.
Speaker 2: Bullets, just whatever, Just bullets.
Speaker 5: It's just I think someone who's barefoot so much of
Speaker 5: the time wouldn't want to scatter pointy things around the ground.
Speaker 4: But okay, no, let's gout those councils.
Speaker 2: It's fine, it's fine. You know what else is fine?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 2: Ron Hubbard's career.
Speaker 5: I disagree.
Speaker 3: I can't wait, it's just fine.
Speaker 5: I might agree with that by the end. Oh, of
Speaker 5: course it's fine.
Speaker 2: I mean, now, a, you do quite a lot of
Speaker 2: directing on your own, so I think you might pick
Speaker 2: up some tips and.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna learn my next set. Oh, it's going to
Speaker 1: be bad, because this is a master class.
Speaker 2: This is a master class. Right now, Everyone who listens
Speaker 2: to this episode will be qualified to direct a Hollywood production. Yes,
Speaker 2: it just takes this much on film scene on Hubbard
Speaker 2: Poe school by behind the Vest.
Speaker 5: It really does only take that much if you also
Speaker 5: have millions, literally infinite money. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Now, life on the run is not good for anyone's health.
Speaker 2: Despite his vast wealth and the opulent surroundings of the
Speaker 2: Lakita Ranch where he hid out in southern California, by
Speaker 2: early nineteen seventy seven, Hubbard's lifestyle was catching up with
Speaker 2: him again. Anne Rosenbloom, who trained to be a messenger
Speaker 2: during this period, was horrified by his appearance when she
Speaker 2: first met him. Quote the first night I was there,
Speaker 2: I didn't talk to LRH since he was busy, but
Speaker 2: I saw him. He had long, reddish gray hair down
Speaker 2: past his shoulders, rotting teeth, and a really fat gut.
Speaker 2: He didn't look anything like his pictures. The next day
Speaker 2: I met him, he was doing exercises in his courtyard
Speaker 2: and called me over. I was nervous meeting him. I
Speaker 2: was really surprised that I didn't feel this electric something
Speaker 2: or other that I was told happens when you are
Speaker 2: around him. So these were in the last days before
Speaker 2: the FBI dragonet close down around Mary Sue Hubbard and
Speaker 2: all of el Ron's people with the Guardian's Office, and
Speaker 2: Mary Sue became extra protective of her husband during this period.
Speaker 2: Her dogs, which were said to be clear, guarded him
Speaker 2: at all times. If they barked at you, it was
Speaker 2: a sign that you were secretly committing crimes against the Hubbards,
Speaker 2: or had done so in a past line.
Speaker 5: Oh, that's not going to stoke his paranoia. Anytime the
Speaker 5: dog barks, that mailman is an agent who opposes the church.
Speaker 4: What happens when the dog barks at him?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Or oh shit, I don't think the dogs stare around
Speaker 2: if they bark at him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, they just have new dogs on deck.
Speaker 5: That dog toy is a suppressive person who knew now.
Speaker 2: Elron continued to innovate his tech during this period. His
Speaker 2: main interest was the purification run down, which he viewed
Speaker 2: as a cure for drug addiction. This was an evolution
Speaker 2: of Hubbard's GUK vitamin treatment, which we talked about during
Speaker 2: the first three parter. Today, the purification rundown is a
Speaker 2: popular scientology treatment that involves massive doses of vitamins and
Speaker 2: a sweat lodge. In Oklahoma, it killed four people over
Speaker 2: the course of three years. Hubbard developed this treatment based
Speaker 2: on what he believed with the effects of LSD on
Speaker 2: the body. According to Jim Kalki, one of Helberd's longtime helpers, quote,
Speaker 2: all the information came from one person who had taken
Speaker 2: LSD once. That was how he did his research.
Speaker 5: It's pretty chill, dude, all right, it's going on.
Speaker 3: This is my ship right here.
Speaker 5: Honestly, it was good.
Speaker 2: Now, Hulbard became convinced that the purification Rundown was going
Speaker 2: to cure all of the world's drug addictions. He decided
Speaker 2: this achievement had clearly earned him a Nobel Prize, and
Speaker 2: he wrote it an order to his pr officer, authorizing
Speaker 2: the expenditure of unlimited funds to win him the Nobel Prize.
Speaker 2: He so clearly deserved this. He didn't. He didn't get
Speaker 2: a Nobel Oh. Really, it turns out it's kind of
Speaker 2: hard to bribe this guys.
Speaker 3: I can't say that it's canon.
Speaker 2: I do think, you know, if the listeners of this
Speaker 2: podcast want to get me a Nobel Prize, I will
Speaker 2: do drugs off of it.
Speaker 5: That's what I would you rather get a Nobel Prize
Speaker 5: for stopping all drug use you personally, or just have
Speaker 5: listeners send you some drugs?
Speaker 7: Oh?
Speaker 2: I would I would rather get the Nobel Prize. I've
Speaker 2: got a blacksmith, So I'd take the Noble Price to
Speaker 2: my blacksmith and have it forged into a crack pipe
Speaker 2: and begin smoking pipe.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know that, except if.
Speaker 2: You want to see me throwing some stuff, you'd give
Speaker 2: me some crack and a Nobel Peace pipe as well.
Speaker 5: I think the Nobel Peace Prize.
Speaker 2: And you know where that cash prize is all going
Speaker 2: to be spent, Yeah, under a bridge, filling up that pipe.
Speaker 5: Then you're going to get shived for your golden pipe.
Speaker 3: So that's gone. Yeah, that's what happens under bridges.
Speaker 2: It's not going to be great now. Hubbard transferred from
Speaker 2: Lakinta to hide out in Sparks, Nevada. After the FBI
Speaker 2: crashed down on operations snow White. All contact with the
Speaker 2: Guardian's Office and the Hubbard family was suspended, and l
Speaker 2: RH relied on his child messengers to deliver his words
Speaker 2: to and from church leadership. On May nineteen seventy seven,
Speaker 2: Star Wars launched to a world of unsuspecting moviegoers.
Speaker 5: Here.
Speaker 2: It made conservatively all the money and changed both Hollywood
Speaker 2: and the world forever.
Speaker 7: Now.
Speaker 2: I don't know if l Ron Hubbard ever actually saw
Speaker 2: Star Wars. I kind of doubt it because he was
Speaker 2: a horrible narcissist who probably never read or watched anyone
Speaker 2: else's science fiction. But it's possible.
Speaker 5: I know he read a lot of Harlan Ellison, who's
Speaker 5: my favorite sci fi. He definitely yeah, like personal friends,
Speaker 5: and I guess you know, you feel the guilt or
Speaker 5: like you have to.
Speaker 2: But you imagine the one person who could get along
Speaker 2: with l Ron Hubbard. Of course, it's Harlan Ellison.
Speaker 5: It's just weird that if you he seems to really
Speaker 5: like sci fi.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he resist, it's hard to like. I don't know
Speaker 2: if he ever saw it, but he definitely paid attention
Speaker 2: to its financial success. From July to December of nineteen
Speaker 2: seventy seven, while hiding out in Sparks, Nevada, he worked
Speaker 2: feverishly on the screenplay for a feature film, Revolt in
Speaker 2: the Stars. This was a dramatization of one.
Speaker 5: Of those star wars.
Speaker 2: Yeah it's a war that does occur in the stars, Yeah,
Speaker 2: star wars. Yeah, it's star war, if you will. This
Speaker 2: was a dramatization of one of the highest level scientology
Speaker 2: training courses, the O T three Information or Operating Thetans.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna give that away. You have to pay one
Speaker 5: hundred grand for that.
Speaker 2: There's actually some weird stuff regarding that, which we'll get
Speaker 2: to here. So the rough plot was that an evil
Speaker 2: space dictator Xenu, murdered seventy six planets worth of aliens
Speaker 2: sucked in their frozen ghasts to Earth and blew them
Speaker 2: up with nuclear bombs, strapped a volcanoes.
Speaker 3: Ghosts.
Speaker 5: Ghosts are water vapor, and they all have swords.
Speaker 2: You can freeze a ghost lodged. Oh my god, I
Speaker 2: just figured out how we can solve global warming. All right.
Speaker 2: People least likely to believe in global warming are also
Speaker 2: probably going to be the most superstitious people in the country.
Speaker 2: So I'm gonna guess global warming deniers also have a
Speaker 2: high tendency to believe the magical thinking to convince them
Speaker 2: that if the ice caps melt, all of the ghosts
Speaker 2: will be freed. I think we have a plan here.
Speaker 3: Then we got a problem, and then we got a plan,
Speaker 3: and we.
Speaker 2: Got a probably got to cool down the world to
Speaker 2: keep the ghost a ghost.
Speaker 5: Dictators need to never stop doing whatever drug they did
Speaker 5: as a child, right, And there are ghosts in the
Speaker 5: North Pole, the coasts.
Speaker 2: In the North Pole, and they will kill us if
Speaker 2: we don't freeze them.
Speaker 5: These are the myths of our time that we need
Speaker 5: to embrace that will help us.
Speaker 2: It's like that I saw a post where someone, some
Speaker 2: anti vaxxer was talking about how you can actually make
Speaker 2: vaccine safe if you rub a potato on the vaccine
Speaker 2: injection site, and it's like, yeah, okay, just tell them that, yeah,
Speaker 2: vaccinate your kids and rub him with the potato.
Speaker 3: Just release all of Dan Ackroyd's books. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Ten years later, the Potato flew decimates the population of
Speaker 5: North America.
Speaker 3: Hot Potatoes.
Speaker 2: That will be the last Fox News chyn before everyone dies.
Speaker 5: Potatoes are too hot potato and the round is over.
Speaker 3: Oh boy, potatos ghost.
Speaker 2: Now, if you paid attention to anything I've said about
Speaker 2: Alon Hubbard over the last five hours or so of
Speaker 2: podcasts about the fucker, you know that he's literally in
Speaker 2: able of giving up on any single idea he ever had. Now,
Speaker 2: y'all remember Excalibur, the book Hubbard claimed to have written
Speaker 2: in nineteen thirty eight that he said was so profound
Speaker 2: it caused people to commit suicide. And after reading it, yeah,
Speaker 2: locked away.
Speaker 3: From how I know the words his caliber from is that.
Speaker 5: Well, yeah, it's like the Moni python, the funniest joke
Speaker 5: that you can't see.
Speaker 2: But with psychology, Yeah, yeah, philosophy the second.
Speaker 5: You go mad right as you love? Would that be good?
Speaker 5: That's not a feather in your cap. You're like, this
Speaker 5: guy read my book and committed suicide. Right after. I
Speaker 5: think that means it's super good.
Speaker 2: I kind of want that comic Con panel we have today,
Speaker 2: George RR. Martin and the guy who wrote the book
Speaker 2: that makes everyone.
Speaker 5: Kill themselves, My name is l.
Speaker 2: Forty years after his claims about Excalibur started, Hubbard made
Speaker 2: the same claims about the OT three course materials. Scientologists
Speaker 2: weren't exposed to the Xenu story until they were several
Speaker 2: years and thousands of dollars into the religion already. That's because,
Speaker 2: according to Hubbard, learning the story of zene it would
Speaker 2: cause death in a matter of days. According to Tony Ortega,
Speaker 2: a former scientologist who's now an activist against the church, quote,
Speaker 2: if we follow his logic, his intention in writing it
Speaker 2: was to produce a film that, if shown to the world,
Speaker 2: would kill off all the non OT three part of
Speaker 2: the population.
Speaker 8: Oh man, the biblical flood. Yeah, for everyone who's not
Speaker 8: hasn't paid me enough money to be at this level.
Speaker 2: He's gonna make a movie to kill everybody.
Speaker 3: He's gonna make a fucking passion of the wrong.
Speaker 5: I'm firmly convinced, and of course there's no way to
Speaker 5: prove that. At every step, a large chunk of him
Speaker 5: knows that, and it's probably the thing's most proud of.
Speaker 5: Ye look at how I built a billion dollar empire
Speaker 5: on nothing.
Speaker 2: I'm not proud of that.
Speaker 5: So I don't think he wrote it thinking this will
Speaker 5: kill everything. But it's still every detail of his life
Speaker 5: is better if you assume he believed his own it is.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think he started to at a certain point.
Speaker 5: You don't know how you don't mix it up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't make the kids search for gold for
Speaker 2: months on on, like cramped sailing vessels, if you don't
Speaker 2: really believe they might find some some.
Speaker 5: Of the paranoid shit he did, You're like, well, that's
Speaker 5: not fabricated. He's really grappling with paranoia.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's definitely paranoid.
Speaker 1: I imagine like little l Ron, Little Ron, Yeah, like
Speaker 1: going to the ice cream truck and like say, saying
Speaker 1: to the guys selling the ice cream, like you know
Speaker 1: that popsicles are ghosts, and he goes really, yeah, he's like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, that worked.
Speaker 3: I know what my life is.
Speaker 2: Oh god. I do like to think about, like what
Speaker 2: would happen if this movie was made and did what
Speaker 2: Hubbard said it would do, and like everyone who watched
Speaker 2: it killed themselves because I have conversations with your friends
Speaker 2: would be like, you know, there's that new movie that
Speaker 2: makes everybody kill themselves. You want to go see? Well, yeah,
Speaker 2: I kind of do you kind of like I love life.
Speaker 5: But also I have the AMC movie past I got
Speaker 5: to use it on something, use it on something, and
Speaker 5: I am dying to know the details anymore.
Speaker 3: And yeah, watch them.
Speaker 5: Also, what a weird experience if you came into the
Speaker 5: room late and everyone is dead, but there's one person
Speaker 5: and you're like, ew, you're a ot three in scientology.
Speaker 3: I did not know that, And they're like, I know. So.
Speaker 2: Another thing that Ortega notes in his article about Revolt
Speaker 2: in the Stars is that John Travolta is still to
Speaker 2: this day expressing a desire to make the movie into
Speaker 2: a major Hollywood production, which may mean that John Travolta
Speaker 2: secretly wants to commit mass planetary genocide.
Speaker 3: Yes, at the very least he knows that thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the idea that John Travolta is trying to wipe
Speaker 2: out all life on Earth that's not scientology is now
Speaker 2: my favorite conspiracy theory.
Speaker 5: Right. Yeah, I also believe that now, probably thanks to
Speaker 5: the popularity of this podcast. Some group of nerds who
Speaker 5: I will love forever forever will find this and shoot
Speaker 5: it on their phones and send it to us.
Speaker 2: Shoot Bastard's pants. Yeah, please make the movie that kills.
Speaker 1: Everything, which is basically he just thought of The Ring. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the Ring, but for everyone, for everyone.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And just as as sort of future payment to whoever
Speaker 2: does shoot Revolt in the Stars, I'm gonna throw another
Speaker 2: box of cleaners, right yeah, mazzle.
Speaker 3: To number three.
Speaker 5: That's a scientology thing, right yep?
Speaker 2: I think so? Uh or take it. Apparently read through
Speaker 2: the script for a Volt among the Stars, which I
Speaker 2: think you can find if you really look for it,
Speaker 2: and he summed up its plot this way. Quote and
Speaker 2: the script Hubbard wrote for the movie. The character rawl,
Speaker 2: clearly based on Hubbard himself, takes on the might of
Speaker 2: various two dimensional characters with single syllable names Chi and
Speaker 2: men who have wandered out of an episode of Flash Gordon.
Speaker 2: The screenplay apparently ends on these lines, as the evil
Speaker 2: Zenu is strapped into a prison inside of one of
Speaker 2: the volcanoes he previously bombed to murder space ghosts, wetting
Speaker 2: his dry cracked lips Xenu looked up at the doctor,
Speaker 2: some terror showing in his glazed eyes. These devices keep
Speaker 2: one alive forever. Don't talk, snapped the doctor. A guard
Speaker 2: stepped forward. Don't talk to the prisoner. Despairing, Xenu rolled
Speaker 2: his eyes. How long is forever? No one answered? No
Speaker 2: one knew.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, what what?
Speaker 5: What the fuck you talking about?
Speaker 1: I mean, it sounds like I've been to film school,
Speaker 1: and there's quite a bit of scripts that are suspicious
Speaker 1: of this type of varriety.
Speaker 5: By the way, when your movie Revolts among the Stars
Speaker 5: comes out, everyone's going to refer to it as rats.
Speaker 2: So good luck with that now. Hubbard's dream was to
Speaker 2: make the movie himself and add George Lucas to his
Speaker 2: list of accomplishments, alongside aviation pioneer, treasure hunter, profit and
Speaker 2: surprisingly good at sex. This gradually expanded into a desire
Speaker 2: to add a whole film production wing to the Church
Speaker 2: of Scientology. The Sena Org, a ten acre ranch around Lakina,
Speaker 2: was purchased, code named Monroe, and turned into housing for
Speaker 2: the production staff for l Ron Hubbard's new film company,
Speaker 2: Slash Cult. The studio was built on a one hundred
Speaker 2: and forty acre grapefruit farm that the church also purchased.
Speaker 5: How do you give notes when you're in a cl
Speaker 5: like if everyone acting in it and producing it is
Speaker 5: on set.
Speaker 2: There are no notes. Yeah, you do what he tells you.
Speaker 1: This.
Speaker 5: I usually think the set's a little, uh, a little
Speaker 5: gaudy right now. That's suppressive, dude, that's suppressive.
Speaker 1: Moody kills everyone though, Like does the screenplay just like
Speaker 1: paralyze them or is it the like what stage does
Speaker 1: the magic like kill yourself?
Speaker 2: Well, all of these people are OT three so they
Speaker 2: can hear it, so they can.
Speaker 3: Do whatever there.
Speaker 5: I bet his plan was to do the opposite, let
Speaker 5: the movie come out, no one dies, and then say see,
Speaker 5: you're all scientologists.
Speaker 3: You don't even know it, and you got to pay
Speaker 3: forty I see.
Speaker 7: Now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so they buy several different giant ranches to add
Speaker 2: to the already giant ranch and turn into a film
Speaker 2: production studio. Now, according to the book, Bear Face, Messiah, quote, lights,
Speaker 2: Dolly's cameras, and a vast range of technical equipment were
Speaker 2: all moved into the new studio. Hubbard took to wearing
Speaker 2: a cowboy hat, suspenders in a bandana, which he imagined
Speaker 2: gave him an artistic me in appropriate to a film director.
Speaker 2: The sene Org was to cut its teeth, making simple
Speaker 2: promotional films illustratingvarious situations in which Scientology could be used beneficially.
Speaker 2: Hubbard wrote all the scripts and knew exactly what he wanted.
Speaker 5: Constantly biting into a raw grapefruit, he just care, is
Speaker 5: it all that.
Speaker 3: Thompson right now?
Speaker 2: He is Hunter would be shooting at people, would have
Speaker 2: a people, Yeah, but he's he's using cameras. So Hubbard
Speaker 2: knew what he wanted, but found out that it was
Speaker 2: it's really hard to make movies like this is kind
Speaker 2: of a difficult thing to do, and so uh, his
Speaker 2: first productions did not all go well. Now, some of
Speaker 2: this had to do with the fact that the random
Speaker 2: assortment of people who'd found the Church of Scientology compelling
Speaker 2: did not all possess the incredibly specific technical know how
Speaker 2: necessary to make films. Now, I want to note that
Speaker 2: this had been true of l Ron Hubbard's Navy too,
Speaker 2: and they'd sort of faked it until they'd made it.
Speaker 2: But it turns out that the same strategy does not
Speaker 2: work with movie making. Thus, answering forever the age old question,
Speaker 2: is it harder to captain a boat or man of
Speaker 2: boom mic? Harder to man of boom mic? Apparently easier
Speaker 2: to get random people to be part of a navy.
Speaker 5: Well, there's no because you can drop depth charges and
Speaker 5: say you hit something, and that's fine. When you're shooting
Speaker 5: a movie, if you don't get the scene, it's not
Speaker 5: it's just.
Speaker 3: Listen to it and say, uh, this is shitty sound.
Speaker 2: So the church put out a call to any members
Speaker 2: of the faith who had even vaguely relevant experience in
Speaker 2: the film industry. The best they could do was Adele
Speaker 2: and Ernie Hartwell, championship ballroom dancers who had taken a
Speaker 2: few courses and were told that the Senate Org would
Speaker 2: be their path into the scientology elite. They were not
Speaker 2: impressed upon their arrival to the Cina Org. Ernie later recalled,
Speaker 2: I was absolutely shocked to see everyone running around in shorts,
Speaker 2: ragged clothes, dirty and unkempt. They put us in a
Speaker 2: little three room shack on the edge of the ranch.
Speaker 2: We go inside and what a mess. The place was
Speaker 2: overrun with bugs and insects. Adele said, quote. The main
Speaker 2: thing I disliked was that When we first got there,
Speaker 2: we were programmed on the lies we had to tell.
Speaker 2: If we ran into one of our friends, we had
Speaker 2: to tell a lie to them and say that we
Speaker 2: were just there for a vacation. We were schooled on
Speaker 2: how to get away from process servers, FBI agents, and
Speaker 2: any government officials or any police, anyone anything to do
Speaker 2: with Ubbard. Welcome to our production company. Here's what you
Speaker 2: say to the FBI.
Speaker 5: I bet just that being in California, there's a fair
Speaker 5: chance some of these people probably would have gone to
Speaker 5: film school if they weren't broke from spending all their
Speaker 5: money on the Church of Scientology.
Speaker 2: And they came from everywhere though. Sure he just moved
Speaker 2: them to like you just had to go wherever you be.
Speaker 5: But they have all the money. Send some people to
Speaker 5: film school if.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what great voices were squashed out by al Ron
Speaker 1: Hubbard's movie making an interprese?
Speaker 5: Hey, I want to see these cult people's movie.
Speaker 2: I do desperately want to see these cult people's movies.
Speaker 2: You know what else I want to see or at
Speaker 2: least listen to the fine products and services that have
Speaker 2: advertised on our show and or program.
Speaker 5: Oh I love those I want to see them.
Speaker 2: But kind of fingers crossed.
Speaker 4: I'll just close my eyes and imagine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, our ads are randomly generated a lot of the time,
Speaker 2: so it is possible the Church of Scientology will advertise.
Speaker 2: If so, I'm actually fine with that if they advertise
Speaker 2: on this episode totally now I'm not.
Speaker 3: I'm okay with it.
Speaker 2: I don't know if listening through all this an ad
Speaker 2: for the Church of Scientology makes you decide you know what, Yes.
Speaker 3: This is true of me.
Speaker 5: You clicked on this and you're like, but the ad
Speaker 5: really resonated.
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right, products we're back and Sophie is actually
Speaker 2: leaving the room. She's about to open the door, which
Speaker 2: is bad for sound quality but good for what I
Speaker 2: like to call cinema verite, a term I invented for podcasts.
Speaker 5: Being true, we're really peeling back the podcasting curtain.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because that term I didn't the term loosely affiliated
Speaker 1: with podcasts.
Speaker 5: Yeah, hence the word cinema and the curtain. Well, you know,
Speaker 5: the main goal when you make a podcast is to
Speaker 5: uh just broadcast to everyone else that yes, you should
Speaker 5: also have a podcast.
Speaker 2: You should have a podcast.
Speaker 5: I'll rest till every there's as many podcasts as there
Speaker 5: are people.
Speaker 2: I want there to be twice as many podcasts as people,
Speaker 2: and until there are, I will continue to throw.
Speaker 5: Clean I laughed, but it hit me in the throat.
Speaker 2: Well, you know what they say about throats, Michael Products
Speaker 2: and Services, it's the laziest part of the body.
Speaker 5: That's true.
Speaker 2: All right, we're back.
Speaker 5: Well there's parastalsis, But.
Speaker 2: So l Ron Hubbard, a tour director, was still desperately
Speaker 2: afraid of being brought in by a surprise police rate.
Speaker 2: A souped up dodged dart with a full tank of
Speaker 2: gas was kept on stand by twenty four to seven
Speaker 2: outside of his production facility.
Speaker 3: He just fucking run car.
Speaker 2: The director has a like, I feel like everything you
Speaker 2: said so far is applicable only to l Ron Hubbard
Speaker 2: or Roman Polanski.
Speaker 5: Every day put a Philly cheese steak on the dashboard
Speaker 5: and replace it the next day. I might have to go.
Speaker 1: Said, He's like, it occurs to me that we should
Speaker 1: just have a table of disguises.
Speaker 2: They literally did. All right, all right now, I don't
Speaker 2: know if any of y'all are aware of this, but
Speaker 2: AU tour directors are not known to be mentally healthy people.
Speaker 2: At the best of times, oh Ron Hubbard might have
Speaker 2: given a guy like Stanley Kubrick a run for his
Speaker 2: money in the crazy pants category.
Speaker 5: Dalley Kubrick finished movies.
Speaker 3: He did finish movies.
Speaker 2: Adele first met Hubbard when she was working in the
Speaker 2: wardrobe department and heard him start to scream in a
Speaker 2: group of his underlings. Quote this is a quote Hubbard directings,
Speaker 2: Oh Hea, you dirty, goddamn sons of bitches. You're so
Speaker 2: goddamn stupid. Fuck you, you cocksuckers. It seemed to go on
Speaker 2: for several minutes. I had something in my hand and
Speaker 2: it fell to the floor. I said, who in the
Speaker 2: world is that? They said it was the Boss. We
Speaker 2: weren't allowed to use the name Hubbard for security reasons.
Speaker 2: You mean the leader of the church speaks like that,
Speaker 2: I asked, Oh, yes, was the reply. He doesn't believe
Speaker 2: in keeping anything back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is straight out of the book of a
Speaker 1: usc School cinematic Arts.
Speaker 2: Actually, goddamn sons of bitches. Adele's first big job was
Speaker 2: makeup assistant on a Hubbard flip called The Unfathomable Man.
Speaker 2: It was a modest project covering the entire history of
Speaker 2: the human race from the beginning of time to the
Speaker 2: modern era through the eyes of al Ron Hubbard.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, this is a great you can't even think
Speaker 3: of it. What's the first thing you think? Well, he's
Speaker 3: a man.
Speaker 1: Well I can think of a man, not this guy.
Speaker 2: Adele's recollections make it sound rather surprisingly like a Sam
Speaker 2: Raimi flick quote. Did he ever like those films to
Speaker 2: be bloody? It was enough to make you sick. We'd
Speaker 2: be shooting a scene and all of a sudden he'd yell, stop,
Speaker 2: make it more gory. We'd go running out on the
Speaker 2: set and with all this carrow syrup and food coloring,
Speaker 2: and we'd just dump it all over the actors. Then
Speaker 2: we'd folm some more and he'd stop, stop it again
Speaker 2: and say it's still not gory enough. Then we'd throw
Speaker 2: more blood on them.
Speaker 5: Well, he's competing with the Bible, so he's kind of matches.
Speaker 5: Every religion needs to match a certain level of gore
Speaker 5: just to keep our interest.
Speaker 1: Just imagine men at him at monitor and when they
Speaker 1: nail like how much blood.
Speaker 2: He's just yes, this will bring scientology to the masses.
Speaker 5: Okay, now pour some blood on me. Okay, now we
Speaker 5: can continue get the disguises.
Speaker 2: The movie included a scene where an FBI office was bombed.
Speaker 2: This was understandably al Ron Hubbard's favorite part.
Speaker 5: He jerked off scene, and I imagine he grew a
Speaker 5: little over enthusiastic and had so much blood dumped on
Speaker 5: his actors that their clothing stuck to their bodies and
Speaker 5: had to be cut off by the wardrobe people.
Speaker 2: Hubbard made up for his general lack of knowledge of
Speaker 2: how to make movies by being an incredibly persnickety asshole.
Speaker 2: According to bare Face Messiah quote, when the sene Org
Speaker 2: was shooting in the studio, all the sets had to
Speaker 2: be cleaned and scrubbed with special soap every morning before
Speaker 2: Hubbard arrived, and the messengers would go round with white
Speaker 2: gloves to assure it had been done properly. Hubbard had
Speaker 2: a director's chair that no one else was allowed to
Speaker 2: sit in, and as he was walking around the set,
Speaker 2: a messenger would follow close behind him, ready to put
Speaker 2: the chair underneath him if he chose to sit down.
Speaker 2: One unfortunate girl got the positioning wrong by a few
Speaker 2: min inches, and as the commodore sat down.
Speaker 6: Chair.
Speaker 5: Slapstick comedy until you learn that like she was swiftly beaten.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she was put in scientology's prison. Yeah horse, Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's real. She was tortured.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 5: You know, well it's worth it if the work stands
Speaker 5: up to the test. That's why we have an Academy
Speaker 5: Award for cleanest set. That's very key to filmmak Wait
Speaker 5: is it really now? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And all the specs is a Nobel Peace Prize material.
Speaker 5: But I love that he's like, you know, directing a movie.
Speaker 5: You keep the set clean, you place the chairs correctly.
Speaker 5: You have a lot of blood movies now.
Speaker 2: The numerous stories that Hubbard tried to film all had
Speaker 2: grand narratives, usually starting at the very beginning of galactic history.
Speaker 2: One film, The Problems of Life, was about a young
Speaker 2: couple who felt their existence lacked meaning. They asked for
Speaker 2: advice from a psychiatrist who was played as a violently
Speaker 2: insane person. The next asked help from a scientist who
Speaker 2: is also violently insane. Then they found a scientologist who
Speaker 2: was a perfect being of pure contentment. Cama Douglas, an
Speaker 2: artist and scientologist who spent time with Hubbard during this period,
Speaker 2: noted quote. The trouble was that he wanted to make
Speaker 2: movies that would take over Hollywood, but they were terrible,
Speaker 2: really terrible. The crew would have to do scenes over
Speaker 2: and over again before he was satisfied. Occasionally the day
Speaker 2: would end up with a fine well done everyone, but
Speaker 2: more often there were tantrums and he'd storm off the
Speaker 2: set screaming that it had better be right tomorrow, Hubbard.
Speaker 1: Fix it, fix it for more beatings for you all.
Speaker 5: I've got to go have sex, surprising. It's better be
Speaker 5: a movie when I get back.
Speaker 2: All the while, as all Ron Hubbard painstakingly acquired roughly
Speaker 2: the amount of expertise one would receive in the first
Speaker 2: semester of film school, he was raising money to make
Speaker 2: Revolt in the Stars a reality.
Speaker 3: He succeeded in.
Speaker 2: Putting together millions of dollars to make the film and
Speaker 2: funneled it through a production company called a Brilliant Film Company. Tragically,
Speaker 2: Hubbard was as bad at running a production company as
Speaker 2: he was at everything that wasn't infiltrating the federal government.
Speaker 2: A Brilliant Film Company went bankrupt, and Revolt in the
Speaker 2: Stars was never more than a few costumes in an
Speaker 2: unbelievably bad screenplay.
Speaker 5: I'd still pay a lot to see those I would.
Speaker 3: Costumes. Someone's got those costumes.
Speaker 2: Someone's got They are like religious art, like article facts.
Speaker 5: Now, right, there's a church of scientology where there's a
Speaker 5: case like you'd see a dark light. Yeah, like it's
Speaker 5: that thing we never made.
Speaker 1: There's and they all still have the blood on him,
Speaker 1: and it's still unsure of whether or not it's the
Speaker 1: fake blood or the real blood from the beatings.
Speaker 5: From and when they cut them out of the clothes, yeah.
Speaker 3: Ib them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, there were some scissors accidents that In
Speaker 2: late nineteen seventy eight, a few days after Mary Sue
Speaker 2: Hubbard and ten other top scientologists were indicted for their
Speaker 2: rampant crimes, I'll Run, Hubbard collapsed while filming a very
Speaker 2: stupid movie in one hundred and twenty degree heat. He recovered,
Speaker 2: but it had become abundantly clear to everyone that the
Speaker 2: ranch in southern California and the strenuous life of an
Speaker 2: autour film director were not suited for the ailing old man.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 2: During this time, I'll Run, Hubbard continued to receive regular
Speaker 2: auditing sessions. His auditor was a fellow named Mayo, and
Speaker 2: Mayo grew increasingly unsettled about the revelations he received from
Speaker 2: the great profit of Scientology as he recovered from heatstroke.
Speaker 2: Quote from Mayo. He revealed things about himself in his
Speaker 2: past which absolutely contradicted what we'd been told about him.
Speaker 2: He wasn't taking any great risk because I was a loyal,
Speaker 2: entrusted subject and had a duty to keep such things confidential.
Speaker 2: It wasn't just what I discovered about his past. I
Speaker 2: didn't care where he was born or what he had
Speaker 2: done in the war. It didn't mean a thing to me.
Speaker 2: I wasn't a loyal Scientologist because he had an illustrious
Speaker 2: war record. What worried me is that when I saw
Speaker 2: things he did and heard statements he made that showed
Speaker 2: his intentions were different from what they appeared to be
Speaker 2: When I was with him. Messengers often arrived with suitcases
Speaker 2: full of money wadds of one hundred dollar bills, Yet
Speaker 2: he had always said and written that he never received
Speaker 2: a penny from Scientology, who had asked to see it.
Speaker 2: The messenger had opened the case, and he'd gloat over
Speaker 2: it for a bit before it was put away in
Speaker 2: a safe in his bedroom. He didn't really spend much.
Speaker 2: I guess it was getaway money. I didn't mind the
Speaker 2: idea of him having money or being rich. I thought
Speaker 2: he had done tremendous wonders and should be well paid
Speaker 2: for it. But why did he have to lie about it?
Speaker 2: I slowly began to realize that he wasn't acting for
Speaker 2: the public good or for the benefit of mankind. It
Speaker 2: might have started out like that, but it was no longer.
Speaker 2: So one day we were all talking about the price
Speaker 2: of gold or something like that, and he said to me,
Speaker 2: very emphatically that he was obsessed by an insatiable lust
Speaker 2: for money and power. I'll never forget it. Those were
Speaker 2: his exact words, an insatiable lust for money and power.
Speaker 5: I love Jesus.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Also, because if you're at that level where you're hit
Speaker 5: the boss's auditor, you must have already been exposed repeatedly
Speaker 5: to the fact that the purpose of auditing is not
Speaker 5: to keep it confidential. The purpose of auditing is to
Speaker 5: have dirt on people. I don't know how this guy
Speaker 5: didn't walk away with a portion of the gold, is
Speaker 5: what I'm getting.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he may.
Speaker 5: Hey, guess what, Boss, I have a recording now, you idiot,
Speaker 5: you're dying the old idiot.
Speaker 2: I think the guy you put in that job. Is
Speaker 2: the guy you know is never going to betray you?
Speaker 7: Right?
Speaker 2: Yeah, he didn't while Hubbard was alive. Eventually it seems
Speaker 2: like he came clear.
Speaker 5: I'm sure it was a process so all the pieces
Speaker 5: didn't align. But hearing this quote now, you're like, if
Speaker 5: you felt this way, then you could have walked away
Speaker 5: with a chunk of that gold, probably one of.
Speaker 2: Those suitcases of dirty hundred dollar bills.
Speaker 5: Because if there's anything Hubbard's going to respond to, it's blackmail.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. After a couple months of convalescence, Hubbard was
Speaker 2: healthy enough to get back to directing movies. Naturally, he
Speaker 2: made his auditor an actor quote he walked around with
Speaker 2: an electric bullhorn, yelling orders through it, even if the
Speaker 2: person was only a few feet away. The crew were
Speaker 2: in a constant state of fear. He'd say he wanted
Speaker 2: a certain set built and describe it. Everyone would work
Speaker 2: in a frenzied state to get it done, often through
Speaker 2: the night, not stopping from meals and praying it would
Speaker 2: be right and that they would not get into trouble.
Speaker 2: When he arrived to begin shooting the he invariably decided
Speaker 2: he didn't like it. It had been altered. He wanted
Speaker 2: it blue, not green. Some of the crew would be
Speaker 2: sent to RPF Scientology prison and others would be sent
Speaker 2: running around trying to find some blue paint. Then he'd
Speaker 2: want to know why it was blue and not yellow.
Speaker 1: Have you seen the Star Wars documentary, Yes, Empire Dreams
Speaker 1: where he can't pronounce his own gungans, gungans, gungans. George,
Speaker 1: you wrote this, Yeah, I like poetry rhymes.
Speaker 5: There's a weird synergy in the fact. Did you hear
Speaker 5: about the plot? Lucas released details of the plot he
Speaker 5: was gonna do if he had done seven, eight and nine,
Speaker 5: and it involved tiny creatures that live in your blood
Speaker 5: called the Wills.
Speaker 2: He loves tiny creatures living in your books.
Speaker 3: It's THETNS.
Speaker 5: Dude, you were like, they are the same Lucas Now
Speaker 5: that he is officially I guess traded Star Wars to
Speaker 5: quote white slavers.
Speaker 2: Not totally inaccurate.
Speaker 3: It doesn't mean that one of them is on the
Speaker 3: right side.
Speaker 5: Yeah, think for the good of everyone, he may as
Speaker 5: well buckle down and make a revolt among the stars. Oh,
Speaker 5: I think Lucas is the man to do it.
Speaker 2: He is, He's the only man to do it. He's
Speaker 2: the only man to finally make Revolt among the Stars reality.
Speaker 2: I'm holding Chekhov's Kleenox box and illustrate another point about filmmaking,
Speaker 2: which is that you should always throw Kleenex at the walls.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like, uh yeah, it's like a bullhorn.
Speaker 5: As Chekhov's tools go. That one didn't like stretch the
Speaker 5: tension out.
Speaker 2: But sure it did not. It did not. I didn't
Speaker 2: go to film school.
Speaker 5: Yeah, don't let that stop you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I tell you exactly.
Speaker 2: I just we got five more of these Kleenexes that
Speaker 2: I got a toss, and I'm starting to realize I
Speaker 2: may not have that much anger. So some of some
Speaker 2: of these tosses are going to be less impactful than Sorry,
Speaker 2: just where we are right now, can't not toss them.
Speaker 3: They can be sad Kleenics.
Speaker 2: Tossing boxes, sad Kleenex. All right, let's get back to
Speaker 2: the thing. Here's Mayo again, talking about Elon Hubbard is
Speaker 2: a director and being an actor under him. Quote. When
Speaker 2: I was tiring to be an actor, I'd have to
Speaker 2: do the same line over and over again. It was
Speaker 2: never right. It was too loud, too quiet, too intense,
Speaker 2: not intense enough. Then he'd scream, why aren't you doing
Speaker 2: it enthusiastically. He'd end up stamping off, screaming that it
Speaker 2: was all impossible and that no one would do what
Speaker 2: he said. One of the main reasons why he got sick,
Speaker 2: I think was that he had so many failures and
Speaker 2: so much frustration and upset over the movies. Everyone was
Speaker 2: tiptoeing around waiting for explosions.
Speaker 1: So yeah, because this man is someone who just tells
Speaker 1: people how he wants the world to be and it
Speaker 1: just happens. And in filmmaking they have to like create
Speaker 1: it for themselves.
Speaker 3: They have to act.
Speaker 2: It's the one thing like he gets through his whole
Speaker 2: life doing that basically right, and it works with his
Speaker 2: private navy, but it can't work with filmmaking.
Speaker 5: You just can't force the audience to think the movie's entertaining.
Speaker 5: You have to make an entertaining movie.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Nor can you get the thing that's in
Speaker 1: your head absolutely perfect every time.
Speaker 3: Like by every performer.
Speaker 5: So so, but also as an actor, I mean, come
Speaker 5: off in Mayo, I had to say the line a
Speaker 5: bunch of times. That's that's the process of acting for films.
Speaker 2: You get the feeling though that it was like literally
Speaker 2: for days at a time sometimes and it was like
Speaker 2: he would just say more enthusiastically, lesson, like he doesn't
Speaker 2: know how to direct you, Like he's not sitting down,
Speaker 2: like like only walk you through your motivation here. You
Speaker 2: have to understand why it's wrong. He was just shouting no,
Speaker 2: it's not right.
Speaker 5: For well all example, a very basic rule of directing
Speaker 5: is it's widely frowned upon to just say do this emotion. Yeah,
Speaker 5: that's the most basic directory.
Speaker 6: Right right.
Speaker 3: I also love that notes.
Speaker 1: His notes are basically go in a direction, go in
Speaker 1: the opposite director, like these ambiguous definitions of what he wants.
Speaker 3: That sounds real clear to me. That sounds like a
Speaker 3: guy with vision.
Speaker 5: If only he had been a YouTube personality and just
Speaker 5: said fuck it, I will be all the parts and
Speaker 5: I will shoot this if.
Speaker 2: He would be a huge hit on YouTube. If he
Speaker 2: were alive and younger today, for sure that that would
Speaker 2: be he would own that place.
Speaker 5: He would be one of those channels you end up
Speaker 5: on one you're three clicks away from a decent, good.
Speaker 2: God sharing video, and he would be convincing. Watch I'm
Speaker 2: just gonna guess here, convincing millions that the Holocaust didn't happen.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you see that kind of cultism and tribalism and
Speaker 1: like twitch streamers and stuff.
Speaker 2: It's pretty Oh, he would be so good at twitch,
Speaker 2: he would be incredible. Now, I do want to note
Speaker 2: as we as we get to this point, that I
Speaker 2: think the story, like the fact that el Ron Hubbard
Speaker 2: finally failed when he tried to stumble into filmmaking, is
Speaker 2: proof of something important, which is that the US Navy
Speaker 2: and all navies are a bunch of pansy ways, little
Speaker 2: little little woos factories. Okay, okay, Hollywood is where sh
Speaker 2: it really gets done, So suck on it. Fucking aircraft
Speaker 2: carrier whimps.
Speaker 3: We got our prop goes.
Speaker 5: We're pretty we're pretty close to the ocean right now.
Speaker 5: So I'm a little nervous.
Speaker 2: What do you What are they gonna do? They can't
Speaker 2: make a movie, that's what this proves.
Speaker 5: Well, we've also coast Guard much like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, take it, Coastguard. Fucking movies is what's hard. That's
Speaker 2: the real that's the message here.
Speaker 3: Not these not these people have their cushy wars.
Speaker 2: They're easy jobs on submarines. What's hard is movies.
Speaker 5: Yeah, well, that's what we can all agree is what
Speaker 5: we do is the most important.
Speaker 2: Best, the most important, and the most difficult job. I
Speaker 2: would like to see anyone in the goddamn Navy tossing
Speaker 2: clean xbox.
Speaker 5: See I expected you to grab that clean Xbox, and
Speaker 5: you grab that one, so now you have to go
Speaker 5: to jail.
Speaker 1: Fun fact, all of Hollywood's like doll industry, the things
Speaker 1: that move cameras in space kind of thing that was
Speaker 1: all adopted from navy. Uh technology for putting bombs into
Speaker 1: places We've.
Speaker 5: Been reverse infiltrated by some navy.
Speaker 7: Navy.
Speaker 2: You're in the pocket of big Navy, aren't you.
Speaker 3: I am a big Navy.
Speaker 2: Crucially different from old navy. V Sorry, Navy, I'm not
Speaker 2: really that sorry.
Speaker 3: It's fun.
Speaker 2: You got boats. You're fine now. Eventually, the stress of
Speaker 2: running the Center organ, dealing with the brutal California desert climate,
Speaker 2: as well as his growing fear that the FBI was
Speaker 2: closing in on him, forced l Ron Hoverd to make
Speaker 2: what would become his very last move to a tiny
Speaker 2: farming town called Himmet, California.
Speaker 5: Oh boy, lots of time, Yeah, a nice little camping,
Speaker 5: camping well around Himmett area.
Speaker 2: I love camping and you know what else I love?
Speaker 2: No products, oh services, just those two things. No other
Speaker 2: room for love in my life, just product service median.
Speaker 5: The rule of three is not being fulfilled is going
Speaker 5: to just kill me. This whole brand, Well, yeah, too bad.
Speaker 2: I could not help condiments.
Speaker 5: I hope, I really, I hope.
Speaker 2: I hope it's a condiment.
Speaker 5: Goobers that for Goober's peanut butter and jelly and condaments.
Speaker 5: We're back.
Speaker 2: So l Ron Hubbard moved to him at California in secret.
Speaker 2: His location was known only to a handful of people
Speaker 2: within the church for the next six years. The number
Speaker 2: of people Hubbard interacted with regularly wouldn't be enough to
Speaker 2: make up to full baseball teams or basketball teams, whichever
Speaker 2: one smaller. I think it's five people on basketball right.
Speaker 5: Well, this is on the court.
Speaker 2: On the court.
Speaker 3: There's more people in baseball teams.
Speaker 2: There's more people in baseball teams.
Speaker 5: That's also way more people than I know. Yeah, exactly,
Speaker 5: curling team, I think team.
Speaker 7: Now.
Speaker 2: This life of seclusion and hiding out from justice suited
Speaker 2: Ron well. According to Bare Face Messiah, quote, Although he
Speaker 2: occasionally threw his food across the room when he believed
Speaker 2: the cook was trying to poison him, by and large,
Speaker 2: he was better timbered than he had been when he
Speaker 2: was trying to make movies. He usually got up about
Speaker 2: midday audit, hit himself for an hour, and then dealt
Speaker 2: with whatever correspondence the messengers had decided he should see.
Speaker 2: In the afternoons, he devoted several hours to taping lectures
Speaker 2: and mixing suitable background music. In the evenings, he watched
Speaker 2: television and reminisced to a small but always attentive audience.
Speaker 5: Did you say mixing. Yeah, so he spent all day
Speaker 5: making playlists and mixtah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he probably would have edited his own podcast.
Speaker 5: That's a good harmless old man, dude.
Speaker 3: That's fine, cute Messiah.
Speaker 2: You know, it's better than torturing people in your prison
Speaker 2: when they don't act right.
Speaker 1: So filmmaking was the That's really what cracked the chestnut. Yeah,
Speaker 1: really open them up to you know what, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna chill out.
Speaker 5: I also can't believe he doesn't have someone tasting his
Speaker 5: food ahead of time. At this point, I just assumed
Speaker 5: he'd have the whole royal like groom of the stool
Speaker 5: to wipe his ass, you know, the royal food taster
Speaker 5: to keep the poison out. I want to know what
Speaker 5: tips him one.
Speaker 2: But if he's got a royal food tastes and get
Speaker 2: to throw his food across the room, I've proved like
Speaker 2: you have clean xboxes, Well I do have toss and food.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you make a plate for yourself and a plate
Speaker 4: to toss.
Speaker 2: I throw food at Sophie when things aren't the way
Speaker 2: that I.
Speaker 5: Robert is filling a clean xbox with food. He's just
Speaker 5: shove full of food that's going to be tough to
Speaker 5: clean up. When Sophie gets.
Speaker 2: Back, we only have three left.
Speaker 5: We'll leave it for her.
Speaker 2: We'll leave it for her. She loves David Mayo was
Speaker 2: a member of Hubbard's small, attentive audience. In the nights.
Speaker 2: He recalled many evenings with a commodore playing hillbilly songs
Speaker 2: on his guitar and lying about the years he'd spent
Speaker 2: as a troubadour in Appalachia. I think he was making
Speaker 2: up the songs as he went along. Afterwards, everyone clapped.
Speaker 2: I desperately want to hear some of l Ron Hubbard's.
Speaker 4: Wanted to see that live.
Speaker 3: There's no replacement that.
Speaker 2: There's nothing that could have come across the Yeah, pretending
Speaker 2: to be a hillbilly singing random songs.
Speaker 5: Hey, y'all, little Nasax helped me out.
Speaker 3: Was coming to get you.
Speaker 2: On the days when he went into town, Hubbard would
Speaker 2: wear a variety of absurd disguises, a baseball cap with
Speaker 2: fake hair sewn onto it, stage makeup to alter the
Speaker 2: shape of his face, false eyebrows, and sideburns. Hubbard was
Speaker 2: convinced he looked like a local. No one else thought this. Thankfully,
Speaker 2: the Internet did not exist, and so no one in
Speaker 2: him recognized him either. For six years, Hubbard's location was
Speaker 2: kept perfectly secret from the law, the government, and even
Speaker 2: his own wife and children. Gradually, he pared down the
Speaker 2: number of scientologists allowed to be around him. David Mskovich,
Speaker 2: his former messenger and also at one point a cameraman,
Speaker 2: was often the only person in direct contact with l
Speaker 2: Ron Hubbard.
Speaker 5: Do you know if he worked on the movies?
Speaker 7: Oh?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's what he was doing. He was, Yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: that's part of the way. The guy anything, Yes, I
Speaker 2: need cameraman. Hey, guy who used to be like a
Speaker 2: production messenger camera man.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Later, if you could beat some other guys up in
Speaker 5: a room, I guess you can have this. That what
Speaker 5: happened with Yeah, he needs his own episode.
Speaker 2: He needs his own three parter, probably to be honest. Now,
Speaker 2: Hubbard did continue sending letters to David Mayo, his beloved auditor.
Speaker 2: Mayo recalls these letters growing more and more unhinged as
Speaker 2: the months turned into years of isolation. Quote in the
Speaker 2: first paragraph of one letter, he said something like you
Speaker 2: might think I've gone crazy, but I'm still okay. Just
Speaker 2: believe what I say is true. I remember thinking, God,
Speaker 2: whatever's coming must be pretty weirdside of the enveloped. It
Speaker 2: was real, demented stuff, berating psychiatrists and claiming they were
Speaker 2: the root of all evil, not just on this planet,
Speaker 2: but since time immemorial. He had figured out that back
Speaker 2: at the beginning of the universe, psychiatrist screened evil on
Speaker 2: a particular star system. When I read through it, I thought,
Speaker 2: my god, he is crazy. He can exhort me to
Speaker 2: think he's not crazy, but this letter belies it.
Speaker 5: I thought.
Speaker 9: That shit is crazy that you're going to go with, Like, yeah,
Speaker 9: this is kind of crazy, because like who made the
Speaker 9: scientist a psychiatry or a Psiatrists invented evil at the
Speaker 9: beginning of time.
Speaker 3: I was always going to be. It's always gotta be
Speaker 3: the beginning of time.
Speaker 5: I wish we could know his that origin of that.
Speaker 5: I feel like he must have, at some point in
Speaker 5: his life had one therapy session where he went, yeah,
Speaker 5: I'm a little blue and they were like, you're a
Speaker 5: piece of shit. He was like, well, I hate this.
Speaker 5: I hate psychiatry, Like, who hurt you? Yeah, little Elrod.
Speaker 2: I will say that his hatred of psychiatrists is more
Speaker 2: proof that, like, as a man, even though he didn't
Speaker 2: spend that much time here, he was the living embodiment
Speaker 2: of Los Angeles, like this city and a single man.
Speaker 1: Out of touch with all reality completely and very hungry
Speaker 1: for power.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, kind of a terrible place to live.
Speaker 5: It's so specific and consistent, like it rubbed off on
Speaker 5: Tom Cruise he did that appearance, or he famous psychiatry
Speaker 5: is evil that it's such a core tenant. And I
Speaker 5: don't know of any other religion that's like also the
Speaker 5: Lord Saith, screw chiropractice, we hate them.
Speaker 3: It's so no.
Speaker 2: Buddhism's really anti chiropractice.
Speaker 1: It's like that line the poem Ausi Man Diaz. We're like,
Speaker 1: because Los Angeles itself is kind of attestament to that.
Speaker 1: They're like, let's make them metropolis where in the desert? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's where you don't make twenty million people there?
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 3: How do we how do we plan for this? Don't
Speaker 3: plan We'll make it up as no planning.
Speaker 2: Okay, but we should at least have a network of
Speaker 2: trams and trolleys and no, how do one car for
Speaker 2: every person?
Speaker 7: Okay?
Speaker 5: How do we get water?
Speaker 3: We just steal it from this other state.
Speaker 2: Now take it from north people.
Speaker 5: Now, everyone in the town's feeling alienated and isolated by
Speaker 5: the plight of modern man. Well they should pay us, yeah,
Speaker 5: because we can fix that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we cures what ails you.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 7: Now.
Speaker 2: By nineteen eighty two, at Run Hubbard's letters to David
Speaker 2: Mayo are be able to growing obsession with death. The
Speaker 2: Commodore was seventy one years old, in poor health, and
Speaker 2: as crazy as a bat on acid. Hubbard was still
Speaker 2: canny enough to know that he had exactly one great
Speaker 2: achievement left in him. Al Ron Hubbard was going to
Speaker 2: write the greatest science fiction series of all time. The
Speaker 2: first entry in the new saga would be Battlefield Earth. Hell, yeah,
Speaker 2: Saga of the year three thousand.
Speaker 5: Go to him typing Firefly Pilot.
Speaker 2: What are you telling me? That's why there's only one sason.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Hubbard had not published a sci fi story in more
Speaker 2: than thirty years at that point. Battlefield Earth was a sprawling,
Speaker 2: eight hundred page epic. He declared it the longest science
Speaker 2: fiction book ever written, which might actually have been true.
Speaker 6: At the time.
Speaker 2: I really have no I cares what. Yes, that's not
Speaker 2: a determined it. That is believableough, because one thing all
Speaker 2: Roun Hubbard can do is write incredibly long books and
Speaker 2: never edit them, not for a second.
Speaker 3: This isans wake Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, as a sci fi short story buff. Just for
Speaker 5: the record, all of his short stories are mediocre.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: He wasn't an amazing sci fi shorts.
Speaker 2: He was an adequate short story. Yeah, adequate an age
Speaker 2: in which you'd buy a book that had forty of
Speaker 2: them for a penny, and that's what entertainment was.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 2: He was like a mediocre Netflix series that you put like.
Speaker 2: That's what his science fiction was. Because like those those
Speaker 2: little like magazines that would be full of stories were
Speaker 2: like Netflix. Some of them you get some Arthur C.
Speaker 2: Clark's and it's like bo Jaff Horsemen or whatever, and
Speaker 2: it's brilliant. And a lot of them are l Ron Hubbard,
Speaker 2: which is like a show or whatever.
Speaker 5: They were almost always like Flash Gordon, like he never
Speaker 5: had a grand sci fi concept. He put a cowboy
Speaker 5: in space and had do cool shit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, this is heresy.
Speaker 2: Yeah I've tarned.
Speaker 1: I looked at the window and I've gone clear. Don't
Speaker 1: say that about l Ron Hobby.
Speaker 2: El Ron so uh. The plot of Battlefield Earth was
Speaker 2: as dumb as it was shitty. Johnny good Boy Tyler,
Speaker 2: the protagonist, was one of the last human beings on
Speaker 2: Earth after an alien invasion destroyed civilization the thousand years since,
Speaker 2: mankind regressed to a feral Stone Age level of development.
Speaker 2: While the evil aliens who now ruled the world minded
Speaker 2: for its resources, Hubbard's ego demanded the Battlefield Earth be
Speaker 2: an instant hit. Thankfully, he had the resources of one
Speaker 2: of the world's wealthiest cults at his beck and call.
Speaker 2: The Church of Scientology, bought fifty thousand copies of the
Speaker 2: book at launch, and also poured millions into a pr
Speaker 2: campaign aimed at making it go viral. Scientologists were ordered
Speaker 2: to buy two or three copies each at minimum. Battlefield
Speaker 2: Earth was just the prelude to Mission Earth, a one
Speaker 2: point two million word epic Hubbard intended to release in
Speaker 2: ten parts. Yeah, one point two million words.
Speaker 5: And what has been written? Oh yeah, okay, because that
Speaker 5: or I was like, was he like pointing at the
Speaker 5: stands calling his shot? Yeah, the sequel, by the way,
Speaker 5: one point two million.
Speaker 2: He did that and then wrote it and then did it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: like for some for some reference, I think Lord of
Speaker 2: the Rings trilogy at the top, that has about four
Speaker 2: hundred thousand words total, something somewhere in that ballpark.
Speaker 5: Rings. So three Lord of the Rings trilogies.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4: We never think about how much goddamn time this guy
Speaker 4: spent in front of a typewriter.
Speaker 2: That's one thing that is not a lot, right, he
Speaker 2: wrote like a fucking crazy.
Speaker 5: At the end, it just says screw Flanders over and over.
Speaker 2: So Hubbard actually wrote this monstrosit, or at least dictated
Speaker 2: it to someone else. We don't really know, But tragically
Speaker 2: he did not live to see it released in its entirety.
Speaker 2: On January nineteenth, nineteen eighty six, l Ron Hubbard sent
Speaker 2: out his last command flag order number three THY eight
Speaker 2: hundred and seventy nine, the Sea org in its future.
Speaker 2: In this order, the Commodore promoted himself to admiral, published
Speaker 2: a glossy photo of himself in a new uniform, and
Speaker 2: about five days later died. He did not die alone,
Speaker 2: but he was not surrounded by his friends or family either.
Speaker 2: His doctor and lawyer were the only ones present. Everything
Speaker 2: about his death was handled with the utmost secrecy, but
Speaker 2: the Church could not stop the coroner from looking at
Speaker 2: the body. The inquest found a bandage on his right
Speaker 2: butt sheet covering ten fresh needle marks. It also found
Speaker 2: traces of hydroxene in his blood. The drug is most
Speaker 2: often prescribed as an anti anxiety an anti neurotic medication,
Speaker 2: in other words, a psychiatric medication. The Church steadfastedly rejected
Speaker 2: the idea that el Ron Hubbard had died with psychiatric
Speaker 2: medicine in the system. They claimed that he took the
Speaker 2: medication as an antihistamine, which sure, guys, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 5: His butt gets famously congest but gets.
Speaker 2: El Ron Hubbard was having anti histamy yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2: In a phone interview with the San Luis Obispo New Times,
Speaker 2: church spokesman Tommy Davis insisted he didn't take it as
Speaker 2: a psychiatric medication, that's all. It's one of those things
Speaker 2: that anti scientologists want to make an issue about, and
Speaker 2: we're like, yeah, whatever, and emphasize the anger Tommy Davis
Speaker 2: experience like express to the newspaper, I'm gonna throw another
Speaker 2: I'm gonna throw it.
Speaker 5: Yeah yeah, oh, because they were all going like he'd
Speaker 5: be as millions of people and were like as if, yeah,
Speaker 5: whatever whatever.
Speaker 2: The rank and file of Scientology were informed of their
Speaker 2: profit's death. Death three days later, on January twenty seventh,
Speaker 2: David Miskovich addressed eighteen hundred Scientology at the Hollywood Palladium Theater.
Speaker 2: He told them this. At two thousand hours Friday twenty
Speaker 2: fourth January nineteen eighty six, l Ron Hubbard discarded the
Speaker 2: body he had used in this lifetime for seventy four years,
Speaker 2: ten months, and eleven days. The body he had used
Speaker 2: to facilitate his existence in this universe had ceased to
Speaker 2: be useful, and in fact, had become an impediment to
Speaker 2: the work he now must do outside its confines. The
Speaker 2: being we knew is l Ron Hubbard still exists. Although
Speaker 2: you may feel grief, understand that he did not and
Speaker 2: does not now. He simply moved on to his next step.
Speaker 2: LRH in fact, used this lifetime and body we knew
Speaker 2: to accomplish what no man has ever accomplished. He unlocked
Speaker 2: the mysteries of life and gave us the tools so
Speaker 2: we could free ourselves and our fellow men.
Speaker 6: Wow.
Speaker 5: Ps, he did himself auditing and he found out he's
Speaker 5: even better than he thought he was. So he's an
Speaker 5: admirals and admiral now. So I could not think of
Speaker 5: the Hudsucker. Yeah right, you know the Hutsucker Praxy series. Yeah,
Speaker 5: at six oh four wearing Hutsucker merged with the Infinite.
Speaker 5: That is a punch out. He should have said, merged
Speaker 5: with the Energon.
Speaker 2: Well, he did leave us with a little bit of
Speaker 2: a eulogy to himself, because of course I can't be
Speaker 2: finished with Yeah. L Ron Hubbard wasn't gonna let someone
Speaker 2: else get the last one he wrote.
Speaker 5: There's nothing he couldn't have written that wasn't written.
Speaker 2: And the elegy he chose was a song called thank
Speaker 2: You for listening from an album of Scientology songs titled
Speaker 2: The Road to Freedom.
Speaker 4: Are you gonna listen to it?
Speaker 2: Yeah, we are going to hear l Ron Hubbard himself
Speaker 2: sing a motherfucking song.
Speaker 5: Oh dude, he's gonna tell me he can fuck and
Speaker 5: has a voice like an angel. I hope this is
Speaker 5: a dude.
Speaker 3: I hope this is a bob.
Speaker 2: All right, friends, without further ado, the voice of l
Speaker 2: Ron Hubbard.
Speaker 5: The boss Yeah music's original.
Speaker 3: Nice Rich Bring said, oh goddamn, listen.
Speaker 6: Yes, but others hearing this things they would argue.
Speaker 3: The voice of like a dinosaur?
Speaker 6: Do have to sing what I believe?
Speaker 7: I only give them fact If they believe quite.
Speaker 6: It still will have him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love this song.
Speaker 5: To listen the lyrics they're bashi there.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna toss a cleanic.
Speaker 6: It's the room.
Speaker 5: There are also no real inflements on the song.
Speaker 7: That's why.
Speaker 3: Karaoke man, imagine listening to this at a funeral.
Speaker 7: But true is true, and if they didn't, it's hard
Speaker 7: to live with line. That's their concern, not mine, my friend.
Speaker 7: They're free to fantus.
Speaker 2: Loves them low lines.
Speaker 5: It sounds like it's a full house thing.
Speaker 3: About how you all should have believe me.
Speaker 5: You're all gonna suffer.
Speaker 3: Now he's here the Nuts.
Speaker 7: To the Health.
Speaker 2: I have the musical interviews in between the voices.
Speaker 5: He's break dancing during the dancing.
Speaker 2: Hard He's to the Solar, and it's surprisingly good at
Speaker 2: break dancing and fucking.
Speaker 3: Really way too much.
Speaker 2: Instrumentals so much okay, now, so that we can't get
Speaker 2: in trouble with copyright concerns, let's discuss linguistically, lyrically musically,
Speaker 2: because you're both musicians, right, yeah, you're a rapist much,
Speaker 2: that's yeah, you're a rapist and you're you're part of
Speaker 2: Cody's band, right yeah, yeah, I consider it Cody's band,
Speaker 2: but I don't know that it is.
Speaker 3: It's more like guys just showing up and.
Speaker 2: Which made which makes yous qualified as l Ron Hubbard
Speaker 2: to talk about exactly put this.
Speaker 5: On the public record. I was kicked out of that band,
Speaker 5: no further true.
Speaker 3: Yes, Cody's band, he is.
Speaker 2: He is a prima donna. And we'll be listening to
Speaker 2: this episode and I want him to record my version
Speaker 2: of this song once I get a cold well.
Speaker 3: I was in charge of the song.
Speaker 5: Let's cover.
Speaker 3: Let's cover this song.
Speaker 5: I was in charge of cleaning the rehearsal rooms and
Speaker 5: the guys with the white gloves were not please. They
Speaker 5: kicked me out of there.
Speaker 2: So, Michael, your thoughts on thank you for listening, and
Speaker 2: on Elon Hubbard's voice. Let's start with your thoughts on
Speaker 2: his voice.
Speaker 5: Uh, Abe already stole the best, Like Abe gave me
Speaker 5: the image that's stuck in my mind, which yeah, it's
Speaker 5: like Barney the Dinosaur singing to kids, but instead of
Speaker 5: teaching them how to wash their hands, he's saying, you're
Speaker 5: all living in a diluted fantasy world. Children. Soon you
Speaker 5: will get sick from this, do you understand?
Speaker 3: But listen to my sleep.
Speaker 6: The free two phone TUSA.
Speaker 5: It also sounds like the guy in a barbershop quartet
Speaker 5: who's only there to hit the loan note. He had
Speaker 5: to go oh baby, and they're like, the three other
Speaker 5: guys didn't show up. You got to sing the middle
Speaker 5: a hard part best.
Speaker 3: There's not a shot of that guy who hits that
Speaker 3: loan O. Then we goes, ah, yeah, that lone note
Speaker 3: part of the song.
Speaker 7: God.
Speaker 1: Abe, your thoughts, uh yeah, Mine went immediately through the
Speaker 1: instrumentation because it's it's just it's shouting something immediately, like
Speaker 1: from the get go. It's the horns, like you were saying, Michael,
Speaker 1: they're like clearly fake horns, like someone got like my
Speaker 1: brother's cassio and is doing like French horn on it.
Speaker 1: I bet they somehow fucked that up, though, I bet
Speaker 1: they actually recorded because.
Speaker 3: He had money, right, he had so much money, So
Speaker 3: I've never heard.
Speaker 1: A recording that probably was recorded on actual instruments. And
Speaker 1: because they're so bad at recording, like they're bad at filmmaking,
Speaker 1: they're very similar.
Speaker 3: It sounds like a Midi version. And you know how
Speaker 3: I like Middi's, Michael Middi's are my favorite?
Speaker 5: Boy is your favorite? That's it's it's better.
Speaker 3: Than the original the Midi versions.
Speaker 5: But I wish I or maybe it was. I mean,
Speaker 5: if this was studio musicians he hired, what a great
Speaker 5: thing to be on a fly on the wall floor.
Speaker 2: He clearly could have afforded it. I feel like he
Speaker 2: didn't just because he was so scared that everyone was
Speaker 2: trying to murder him or secretly the FBI, which is
Speaker 2: why he didn't just like hire a real production company
Speaker 2: to make this movie. It had to all be done
Speaker 2: in house by.
Speaker 5: An ar fifteen can fit in a guitar case. He's like,
Speaker 5: no musicians, no.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly that every there's so many moments in this
Speaker 1: this journey that we've been taking where it's just I
Speaker 1: want to know what that guy who is just told
Speaker 1: all right, so you have to learn how microphones work.
Speaker 1: He's like, ah, I my last job was I worked
Speaker 1: at McDonald's. Yeah, you know, like iola cases. I was
Speaker 1: a heart surgeon. Like its shot at all my area.
Speaker 3: Right, I have no clue how to do this.
Speaker 2: Well, it's gonna have to be perfect, or what he'll
Speaker 2: beat you, you'll wind up in the torture prison.
Speaker 3: Well, I guess I signed up and gave money for this.
Speaker 5: I do feel like killing myself after listening to it.
Speaker 5: That must mean it's the best songs.
Speaker 2: Song version of Excalibur.
Speaker 5: It's it's so weird to me that a guy could
Speaker 5: who could manipulate the emotions of millions of people and
Speaker 5: strike at something core in us, which is just you know,
Speaker 5: like the hook to scientology is yeah, your life is
Speaker 5: a mess. And they offer enough that seems believable at
Speaker 5: the base level that it hooks millions of people in
Speaker 5: and yet he doesn't understand tone.
Speaker 3: At all, Like it's the bizarre.
Speaker 5: The lyrics are ominous, and the music is like scientology
Speaker 5: is the soda that will finally refresh you like all
Speaker 5: other sodas. He doesn't like get how to manipulate people's emotions,
Speaker 5: and yet he does it, and yet.
Speaker 3: He obviously gets it.
Speaker 1: I will. I didn't want to point out that he
Speaker 1: was only like pitch. He was pitchy a lot less
Speaker 1: than I expected. Yeah, he was pitching maybe one or
Speaker 1: once or twice, he like flubbed a note, But I
Speaker 1: mean he's got.
Speaker 3: Mediocre pipes, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: The main thing.
Speaker 5: That made us sound bad, I thought was that he
Speaker 5: cut everywhere it sounds like the melody lines like falling
Speaker 5: down the stairs. Exactly what that is.
Speaker 3: It's called a noise gate, and they probably had it.
Speaker 1: Just because they don't know what's going on, so they
Speaker 1: just anytime the microphone is like, oh there's no signal, just.
Speaker 5: There's no tail.
Speaker 2: It's a bunch of lawyers and spies trying to work
Speaker 2: audio equipment.
Speaker 5: Also, if the noise gate was off on this track,
Speaker 5: between every line, you'd hear him go when he like
Speaker 5: breathes in as a seventy one year old cript keeper.
Speaker 1: Gad the bear, because any moment is the final one,
Speaker 1: call me the commodore.
Speaker 2: Well, I think that's our legally mandated commentary over that song.
Speaker 3: Fair use.
Speaker 2: You know what I have to say about fair use? Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm gonna chuck my last Cleenex box.
Speaker 3: That's number ten, babies.
Speaker 2: The floor is covered in throwing bagels and throwing boxes
Speaker 2: of Kleenex, a couple of torn up pieces of earlier
Speaker 2: scripts that I read earlier.
Speaker 5: What I dropped the top of my water bottle on
Speaker 5: the ground, wanted to help out.
Speaker 2: Thank you. We always leave it a mess because I'm
Speaker 2: a problem like l Ron Hubbard. And once the show
Speaker 2: takes off enough, I will absolutely buy a compound in
Speaker 2: southern Californias and force people to make movies. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: I lead movie maker. No no, no, no no no,
Speaker 2: you'll be a pilot boats. Yeah, bring into the culture.
Speaker 2: They'll be making the movies.
Speaker 3: I assume you.
Speaker 5: Started this show to have a big track record. Educate
Speaker 5: everyone on people way worse than stuff you plan to
Speaker 5: do later so they know it's not so bad.
Speaker 2: Or I might try to take it to the level. Sure,
Speaker 2: I didn't finish Wild Wild Country, but I'm on board
Speaker 2: with creating a cult city in the middle of nowhere.
Speaker 1: I really want to see what your battlefield eers is.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I want to know what you think happened
Speaker 1: right at the beginning of the universe.
Speaker 3: I wish how it relates to you.
Speaker 2: I'm a psychiatrist.
Speaker 5: Yes, I wish we could get cults to just assemble,
Speaker 5: make a movie based on their leave beliefs, and then disassemble. Yeah,
Speaker 5: I want to see all of them.
Speaker 2: All movies were made by Colts.
Speaker 3: Yes, they are a way. It is propaganda, all of it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, or what would have said?
Speaker 5: It's true?
Speaker 2: Yeah, including this well yeah, I mean this is absolutely
Speaker 2: propaganda aimed at getting me a compound, someone west and
Speaker 2: a religion get indoctrinated people.
Speaker 5: Yeah, with just a giant glowing dorito on the spindle
Speaker 5: that turns glowing everyone at all.
Speaker 3: In Turts of.
Speaker 5: That's your Colt would be nice because if you fuck
Speaker 5: up the set, a robber changes his mind. He wanted
Speaker 5: it blue, now he wants a green. He just throws
Speaker 5: a bagel at your head like it could be worse.
Speaker 2: Also, I will throw bagels a lot.
Speaker 3: Also, if you're hungry, just eat the compound because it's
Speaker 3: made of bagels.
Speaker 2: And big real rat problems.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you got your five rat quota already red within
Speaker 3: three sentence.
Speaker 2: They're huge, so many carbs.
Speaker 5: These bagel fed rats are becoming too strong, Robert just
Speaker 5: threatening to overtake.
Speaker 1: Somebody's been feeding them way protein, so they've been working
Speaker 1: out as well, so they're like swollen, enormous rats.
Speaker 5: Well, we found a dead rat with a bunch of
Speaker 5: puncture needles in its butt. We think it's the rat
Speaker 5: you We think they have all Also.
Speaker 3: The rat has a T shirt that says the Joe
Speaker 3: Rogan podcast.
Speaker 6: We're fucked.
Speaker 3: We're so fucked.
Speaker 7: Oh god, oh god.
Speaker 2: Okay, plugs buggables.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we uh both he and I, Michael Swave and
Speaker 1: Abe Epperson. We have a little thing called small Beans,
Speaker 1: which you can see on Patreon. We do videos and
Speaker 1: podcasts are ourselves and there's a bunch of other great
Speaker 1: podcasts on that network. You can access it from by
Speaker 1: going to patreon dot com slash small and Yeah, we
Speaker 1: were doing another show.
Speaker 4: I don't know we said this last episode.
Speaker 3: I can't even remember.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, it's the double down. In case you only
Speaker 5: wanted to hear about the last part of the last
Speaker 5: part of l Ron Hubbard's life. Yeah, we're launching a
Speaker 5: new show called Off Hours that is gonna be basically
Speaker 5: the whole production team are people who used to work
Speaker 5: at a site called Cracked and what was what was
Speaker 5: it U? It was a napkin fulfillment site. You know,
Speaker 5: they like would refill all the paper towels and soap dispensers.
Speaker 5: But they also ran a web series and similarly a
Speaker 5: lot of people who worked on that show are now
Speaker 5: working on our new show called Off Hours, which will
Speaker 5: involve four friends sitting around talking about pop culture.
Speaker 2: Well that's sound legally distinct.
Speaker 5: Legally distinct and a good antidote for Behind the Bastard. Yes,
Speaker 5: it gets you down. Come listen to some mindless bullshit
Speaker 5: that we won't find out for twenty years was actually evil.
Speaker 2: Yeah movie, your's going exactly.
Speaker 3: Let's get that cultural dipstick.
Speaker 2: Everybody build a cult, all right, we.
Speaker 5: For sure for sure shut us up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're like, everybody build a cult.
Speaker 5: Okay, I'm leaving.
Speaker 2: Well this has been Behind the Bastards. I've been Robert
Speaker 2: Evans my Twitter, Instagram, at Bastards pod website, find the
Speaker 2: Bastards dot com, t shirts, tea public I have another podcast.
Speaker 2: It could happen here. It's sad Goodbye.
Speaker 3: Behind the Bastards is a production of cool Zone Media.
Speaker 3: For more from cool Zone Media, visit our website cool
Speaker 3: Zonemedia dot com, or check us out on the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 3: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.