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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are new and

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Speaker 1: don't know what couch Talks is, it is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I Kat answered

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Speaker 1: the questions that you guys the listeners send to Katherine

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Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now a quick

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Speaker 1: reminder that although I'm answering your questions, this podcast still

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Speaker 1: does not serve as a replacement or substitute for any

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Speaker 1: mental health services. However, we always hope that it can

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Speaker 1: help you or somebody you know in some way on

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Speaker 1: whatever journey you were on in the moment or in

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Speaker 1: the future. Now on couch Talks, I like to stick

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Speaker 1: to one quot uh in a week so we can

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Speaker 1: really just focus and dial into that one. And I

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Speaker 1: always keep them anonymous so you don't have to worry

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Speaker 1: about somebody hearing your name or exposing your stuff, because

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Speaker 1: the only thing that is going to be shared is

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Speaker 1: what you share with me in the email that you

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Speaker 1: write in This week, we have a pretty interesting question,

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Speaker 1: so I want to just get right into it and

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Speaker 1: then talk it out with you guys, so here it is. Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: I have a serious dilemma. Last weekend I went on

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Speaker 1: a baucherette trip and well, something happened that has left

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Speaker 1: me very torn and anxious. The last night, we went

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Speaker 1: out to a couple of bars and one thing led

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Speaker 1: to another, and the bride ended up kissing another guy.

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Speaker 1: And when I say kissing, I mean full on makeout

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Speaker 1: on a dance floor. There was, of course a lot

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Speaker 1: of alcohol involved, However, or I was not drinking much

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Speaker 1: and witnessed the entire thing. The next day, she never

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Speaker 1: brought it up. We all had to leave somewhat early,

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Speaker 1: so the next morning consisted of mostly cleaning and then

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Speaker 1: everyone headed home. But I felt really awkward walking around

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Speaker 1: without anyone acknowledging what happened the night before. At this point,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure if the bride even remembers what happened

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Speaker 1: or if she's just avoiding the subject, but I feel

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Speaker 1: really uncomfortable not talking about it. I keep wondering though,

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Speaker 1: if she doesn't remember it, is it better for her

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Speaker 1: to just not know. But if she does remember and

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Speaker 1: it's just avoiding it because she feels embarrassed or shameful,

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Speaker 1: I would want to talk to her about it, so

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Speaker 1: there isn't this weird elephant in the room for the

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Speaker 1: rest of our lives. I know she would never have

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Speaker 1: done this in a sound ste of mind, and she

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Speaker 1: is madly in love with her fiance. But this feels

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Speaker 1: like a big secret I am keeping that I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to be a part of. I'm hoping you can

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Speaker 1: help me figure out if I should bring it up

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Speaker 1: or just leave it alone and try to forget it

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Speaker 1: ever happened. Okay, this one is what we would call

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Speaker 1: a doozy. There's not a simple way to answer this,

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Speaker 1: and I mean, that's a lot of the questions you

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Speaker 1: guys send in, but this is a really complicated situation

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Speaker 1: and I hear a lot of issues of morality in

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Speaker 1: here and what is the right thing to do? And honestly, sadly,

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Speaker 1: I think this happens more than people would assume, and

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Speaker 1: with the rise of things like TikTok, I feel like

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Speaker 1: people are getting caught a lot now on the internet,

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Speaker 1: which I do not believe is really the right thing

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Speaker 1: to do. Here. This is just a PSA to anybody

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Speaker 1: who like sees somebody on a bachel or a bachelort

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Speaker 1: trip and they're flirting with somebody, or they're I don't know,

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Speaker 1: they could be making out with them. Posting this on

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Speaker 1: the internet and tagging in hopes that it goes viral

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Speaker 1: and that people see it. I don't know if that's

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Speaker 1: really being helpful, and it honestly might really create more hurt,

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Speaker 1: because shaming someone on a public platform is never, from

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Speaker 1: my experience, the right way to help somebody out, especially

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Speaker 1: because it makes this issue public, not just for the

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Speaker 1: person that is doing the wrongdoing, but it's for both parties.

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Speaker 1: And so the person who might be being cheated on,

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Speaker 1: that's kind of like adding insult to injury. Not only

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Speaker 1: do they have to deal with this situation, they have

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Speaker 1: to deal with it on a public platform, and then

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Speaker 1: everybody knows about it. And I just can't imagine what

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Speaker 1: that would be like. And who are we to assume

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Speaker 1: that somebody wouldn't tell them anyway, or their partner wouldn't

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Speaker 1: tell them, and take care of it on their own.

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Speaker 1: And we really should give people the ability to take

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Speaker 1: care of themselves in those moments just a little PSA. However,

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Speaker 1: I know people are going to continue to do that.

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Speaker 1: Hopefully that did not happen to your friend, and there

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Speaker 1: are a lot of details in the situation that I

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Speaker 1: am not aware of that I I'm very curious about. However,

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Speaker 1: I totally hear you in the distress you're in, and

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Speaker 1: I want to acknowledge how difficult this position must be

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Speaker 1: for you. Now, what I am gathering is the bride

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Speaker 1: drunkenly made out with somebody on her bacherette party. You

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Speaker 1: are unsure if she remembers. You have not spoken about

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Speaker 1: this with the bride, and from your understanding, she has

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Speaker 1: not spoken about it with anyone else. You do not

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Speaker 1: know if the bride has talked about this with her partner,

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Speaker 1: and you feel conflicted because if she doesn't remember, you

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Speaker 1: are unsure if you should keep it that way, and

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Speaker 1: if she does remember, you don't want there to be

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Speaker 1: awkward tension within your relationship. So this may sound very harsh,

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Speaker 1: but I'm going to start by saying, this is not

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Speaker 1: your awkward tension to hold. It sounds like you have

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Speaker 1: more feelings about other people's feelings than your own, like

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Speaker 1: your own feelings, And again, I don't know all the details.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why she was a drinking the amount

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Speaker 1: she did. I don't know if she really did drink

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Speaker 1: the amount that equalled how drunk she was, or if

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Speaker 1: something else happened. There are a lot of details here

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Speaker 1: that I don't know and I can't know, and it

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Speaker 1: makes this very difficult. But from what you are sharing,

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Speaker 1: your friend had too much to drink and possibly blacked out,

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Speaker 1: and at the least drink enough to do something that

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Speaker 1: she would probably be mortified to do and wouldn't do

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Speaker 1: if she was a sound mind. Now there's not an

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Speaker 1: exact right or wrong here, and people are going to

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Speaker 1: have a lot of different opinions, and so I would

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Speaker 1: encourage you to keep the opinions that you're asking of

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Speaker 1: others to a minimum, because that's going to create even

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Speaker 1: more conflict within you. We are looking at not what

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Speaker 1: everybody else would be doing, but would What do you

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Speaker 1: need to do with your experience? What makes sense for

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Speaker 1: you and the person that you are, not what would

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Speaker 1: somebody else? And the person that somebody else is what

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Speaker 1: they would do. Now if he remembers and just isn't

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Speaker 1: bringing this up, it's not your responsibility to take care

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Speaker 1: of her feelings. It is hers. So if you want

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Speaker 1: to say something to her to ease attention, go for it.

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Speaker 1: But if you are doing it because you want to

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Speaker 1: take care of her feelings and ease her attenson, who

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Speaker 1: is to say that she isn't doing that by acting

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Speaker 1: like it never happened. We can't assume what she needs,

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Speaker 1: and maybe that makes more sense to her, and she

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Speaker 1: doesn't feel the awkward tension. She would rather just ignore

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Speaker 1: it and that feels better. We don't get to decide

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Speaker 1: what other people need. So if you're doing it for

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Speaker 1: you to take care of your attention, that's one thing.

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Speaker 1: But if we're doing it for her, we can't know

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Speaker 1: that that's what she would want, and that's not up

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Speaker 1: to us to decide. She is allowed to make decisions

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Speaker 1: and take care of herself. And again, I like to

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Speaker 1: allow people to take care of themselves before we intervene

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Speaker 1: and assume that we need they need us to take

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Speaker 1: care of them. Now, if she doesn't remember and you

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Speaker 1: bring it up, there's the other thing. Well, okay, well,

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Speaker 1: what if I do decide that it's a important for

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Speaker 1: me and our friendship to bring it up and I

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Speaker 1: need to say something. But then what if she doesn't

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Speaker 1: remember and I'm telling her about it for the first time, Well,

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Speaker 1: that sucks and that's unfortunate in some regard because now

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Speaker 1: she has to confront something that she did that she

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Speaker 1: probably would and does regret. But she is confronting something

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Speaker 1: that she did, not something that you did. So yes,

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Speaker 1: you let her know that it happened, but it doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you forced her to do it. So I

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Speaker 1: just want to encourage you to take the pressure off

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Speaker 1: of yourself again to manage her and to fix something

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Speaker 1: that you are not responsible for even breaking or tampering with.

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Speaker 1: You aren't responsible for her relationships, her behaviors, her feelings.

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Speaker 1: You were responsible for hers. So yeah, that would suck

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Speaker 1: in some regard, like, dang it if she would never know.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if that would if she would never

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Speaker 1: know that this ever happened. If I could have one

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Speaker 1: hundred percent clarity that she doesn't know what happened and

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Speaker 1: she is never going to find out, that might change

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Speaker 1: what you would do. But the difficult thing here is

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Speaker 1: you can't know that. There is no way for you

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Speaker 1: to know that unless you talk about it with her,

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Speaker 1: So you're kind of taking a risk either way. So

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Speaker 1: what risks do you want to take here? That's really

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Speaker 1: the question you're asking for. What do I need and

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Speaker 1: is that risk worth the need that I have? So again,

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Speaker 1: in order to move forward in this relationship, do you

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Speaker 1: need to acknowledge this for you? If not, then it

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Speaker 1: might be okay for you to move on and allow

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Speaker 1: her to take care of her experiences and her feelings

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Speaker 1: in the way and in the time that she would

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Speaker 1: like to do that. So my encouragement here is am

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Speaker 1: I doing this for me? Am I doing this to

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Speaker 1: take care of somebody else. It's a difficult situation, like

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Speaker 1: I said, just because there are so many things one

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Speaker 1: I don't know that I really just am curious about.

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Speaker 1: But in your experience, there are so many things that

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Speaker 1: you cannot know unless you do talk about it. And

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Speaker 1: we don't like that. We like certain I know that

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Speaker 1: you probably want me to be like, yes, you have

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Speaker 1: to do this, and I can't tell that. I can't

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Speaker 1: say that to you, and I actually assume that you

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Speaker 1: probably don't assume I'm going to do that if you

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Speaker 1: do listen to this podcast enough. So I just again

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Speaker 1: want to throw this back to you and encourage you

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Speaker 1: to allow yourself to take the pressure off yourself of

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Speaker 1: managing other people and be responsible and being responsible for

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Speaker 1: things that you did not do and that are not yours,

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Speaker 1: and take responsibility for what is yours and what you

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Speaker 1: need and how important those things are to you. I

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Speaker 1: hope that this doesn't happen to anybody ever again. However,

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Speaker 1: I think that that would be naive of me to assume,

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Speaker 1: just because of how insane and wild batcherette and bachelor

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Speaker 1: party culture has become. It's very interesting to me, and

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Speaker 1: it can be something that's really fun and fruitful and

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Speaker 1: exciting and wonderful, and it also can be something that

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Speaker 1: is very dysfunctional and toxic and not so helpful. It's

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Speaker 1: kind of like anything in the world. We can take

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Speaker 1: it to the extremes, and sometimes those extremes don't really

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Speaker 1: end up adding up to being worth it. So again,

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Speaker 1: I would hope this never would happen again, and I

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Speaker 1: hope that you, whoever wrote this, never gets in a

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Speaker 1: situation like this again. Maybe there's some things you learned

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Speaker 1: that you can take with you on future bacherette parties

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Speaker 1: or maybe your own if you have not had one

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Speaker 1: and you hope to have one one day. I would

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Speaker 1: love to hear other people's thoughts feelings on this, and

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Speaker 1: also other people's questions like I said, you can email

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Speaker 1: me Katherine at nied Therapy podcast dot com and until

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Speaker 1: I talk to you guys again on Monday, I hope

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Speaker 1: you guys are having the day you need to have