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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation

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Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast

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Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you

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Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space.

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Speaker 3: If a person is able to come up with their

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Speaker 3: five non negotiables, five character traits that are a must,

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Speaker 3: and they use those five to vet people as they

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Speaker 3: go through the talking process before we're even officially dating,

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Speaker 3: then that will answer the question as to whether or

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Speaker 3: not they're settling. But if you have your five and

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Speaker 3: then you start dating, and then you say, oh, he

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Speaker 3: doesn't have number one and number three, but I'll give

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Speaker 3: a chance you're settling.

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Speaker 4: He doesn't have.

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Speaker 3: Number five and number two, but you still give them

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Speaker 3: a chance. You're settling once the person seems to have

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Speaker 3: And again, there's some people who are extremely manipulative. There

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Speaker 3: are some people who are liars, but you're asking the questions.

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Speaker 3: If they seem to have those five, then you know

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Speaker 3: it's not a subtle it's a match.

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Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 2: or even a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments,

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Speaker 2: or if you feel comforted throughout the episode, Lady, please

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Speaker 2: leave us a review and tell us what we're doing

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Speaker 2: right so we can stay on track. Also, we release

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Speaker 2: episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe on iTunes

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Speaker 2: and visit her space podcast dot com and enter your

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Speaker 2: email address to get updates about our live events and

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Speaker 2: all the new beginnings that we have for this year.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women

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Speaker 1: like you. We're your Costs Doctor Dominique Brussard, a college

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Speaker 1: professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space where

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Speaker 2: black women can just.

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Speaker 5: Be Hey, Lady, is doctor dom here from the Herspace podcast.

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Speaker 5: Do you have a burning question you're dying to get

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Speaker 5: feedback on. Do you want an unbiased perspective on a

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Speaker 5: situation you're facing? If so, visit herspacepodcast dot com and

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Speaker 5: click ask doctor Dom under the start here option. Every Tuesday,

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Speaker 5: I'll choose a few questions and answer them at random.

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Speaker 2: All Right, lady, we are so excited. We have a

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Speaker 2: very special guest that I think many of you will

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Speaker 2: be really appreciative for. Okay, so we're just going to

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Speaker 2: jump right on in.

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Speaker 4: Missus.

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Speaker 2: Allison Wellington from Aligne with Alison is a dating and

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Speaker 2: relationship coach. Most recently due to her own love story,

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Speaker 2: Allison has decided to dedicate our talents to work directly

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Speaker 2: with women over thirty five who are looking for guidance

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Speaker 2: and finding the partner they deserve. Allison has some counseling

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Speaker 2: clients for more than ten years and has a bachelor's

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Speaker 2: degree in education and a master's degree in both guidance

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Speaker 2: and counseling and extension mental health counselings. Let's dive into

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Speaker 2: this juicy conversation. Allison, Welcome to her space.

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Speaker 4: Thank you, thank you for having me.

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Speaker 1: Ladies, we are so excited to have you here and

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Speaker 1: dive into the conversation, and so our quote of the

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Speaker 1: day will probably sound really familiar to you. Stop shrinking

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Speaker 1: yourself to fit in within places you have outgrown.

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Speaker 4: Yes, ma'am, that sounds like me.

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Speaker 1: That is you, Allison. So tell us what inspired that quote.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so, actually it's not necessarily related to my relationship

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Speaker 3: and dating advice and guidance. That's actually more related to

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Speaker 3: just generally speaking, in regards to your familiar relationships or

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Speaker 3: your relationships with your friends. And what I've found is

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Speaker 3: that a lot of us are holding on to friendships

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Speaker 3: because that's the person you went to school with grade school,

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Speaker 3: because that's the person from the block, and we are

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Speaker 3: either unable or unwilling to admit the fact that this

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Speaker 3: person is no longer a good fit. Like they are

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Speaker 3: not feeding into you, they are not helping you grow

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Speaker 3: and develop, and as a matter of fact, they may

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Speaker 3: be belittling you or keeping you down in some sort

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Speaker 3: of way. So that quote is actually inspired to do

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Speaker 3: more with platonic relationships, even though I am a romantic

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Speaker 3: relationship coach.

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Speaker 4: But it just came to me.

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Speaker 3: It wasn't anything that came out of my personal experience,

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Speaker 3: But I just found that a lot of people are

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Speaker 3: holding on to dead weight.

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Speaker 2: You better preach.

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Speaker 1: Wow, yes, exactly, that's so deep. So we've had a

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Speaker 1: previous episode where we've talked about like toxic platonic friendships

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Speaker 1: and different levels of friendship, but today we want to

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Speaker 1: really focus in on the romantic relationships. And so.

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Speaker 4: What motivated you?

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Speaker 1: Because I see that you have degrees in counseling, so

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Speaker 1: like being a mental health professional, being a therapist, what

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Speaker 1: motivated you to specifically focus on being a relationship coach.

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Speaker 3: Yes, So, as mentioned before, I've been counseling for over

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Speaker 3: ten years, but it was my own struggles in regards

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Speaker 3: to romance that led me on this path to working

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Speaker 3: pretty exclusively with women who are over thirty five. And essence,

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Speaker 3: I was dating a gentleman who he and I from

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Speaker 3: the beginning were just not compatible.

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Speaker 4: That's in all honesty.

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Speaker 3: Why I decided to continue with this relationship is beyond me. However,

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Speaker 3: we were dating, we were together, we were committed as

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Speaker 3: far as I know. And however, as we continued our

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Speaker 3: relationship throughout the years, and I had an expectation of

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Speaker 3: marriage and children and buying a house and having a

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Speaker 3: savings account, and the steps that you would normally take

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Speaker 3: towards that level of commitment. He was either again unable

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Speaker 3: or unwilling to match me and to be on the

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Speaker 3: same page of where I was. What I like to

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Speaker 3: tell people is that perhaps he had the foresight, right,

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Speaker 3: because we're not going to demonize folks and say that

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Speaker 3: they are evil, terrible human beings who didn't want to

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Speaker 3: love us the way right. So maybe he had the foresight.

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Speaker 3: Maybe this was God's hand that knew that if we

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Speaker 3: would have found ourselves married, it wouldn't have worked out.

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Speaker 3: But nonetheless, we were not compatible, and I realized that

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Speaker 3: we were not on the same page in regards to

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Speaker 3: where we wanted to be at that particul point in

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Speaker 3: our lives, and so I had to make what was

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Speaker 3: actually an easy decision. I chose me, and I ended

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Speaker 3: the relationship as soon as I came to the point

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Speaker 3: where I realized that this is not going in the

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Speaker 3: direction that I like. But I noticed that a lot

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Speaker 3: of people don't have that ease right, Like, it's not

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Speaker 3: easy for a lot of people too, at the end

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Speaker 3: of the day realize that it really needs to end,

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Speaker 3: like this relationship is not working out in their best interests.

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Speaker 3: So I thought, why not use my talents and work

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Speaker 3: with women that are in a similar age bracket as me.

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Speaker 3: Working with women who have probably by their thirties and

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Speaker 3: early forties, established themselves in their careers and honestly, if

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Speaker 3: they're looking to have children, time is of the essence,

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Speaker 3: and they really are willing to put in the work.

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Speaker 3: I realized that that probably would be the best population

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Speaker 3: for me to work with so that I can help

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Speaker 3: them find the partner that they deserve.

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Speaker 2: That is such a great perspective to have where you're

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Speaker 2: life like, we're not going to demonize the person because

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Speaker 2: you may have come to the relationship and both money

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Speaker 2: two different things. But the thing I want to lean into,

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Speaker 2: just for a little bit, is like, how did you

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Speaker 2: know you weren't compatible? Because I think all of us here,

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Speaker 2: right lady, as you listen, as you on the culture,

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Speaker 2: as you're cooking dinner, wherever, I think many of us

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Speaker 2: can think back to relationships that we got into that

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Speaker 2: we were like, I know, damn well, we were not compatible.

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Speaker 2: But I stay for whatever reasons like how did you

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Speaker 2: know you weren't compatible?

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Speaker 4: And then I'll just pause there.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to ask you a billion one questions

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Speaker 2: like I want to but yes, how did you know

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Speaker 2: you weren't compatible? What were the signs?

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Speaker 3: Well, I can tell you like the most telltale sign,

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Speaker 3: which is kind of silly, but I'll tell you nonetheless.

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Speaker 3: So I come from a Caribbean background, and a part

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Speaker 3: of Caribbean culture is carnival. I don't know if you

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Speaker 3: guys are familiar, you've seen or Jamaica or you know

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Speaker 3: a Grenada where there's a time where there's a celebration

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Speaker 3: and it's usually in the streets and the women are

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Speaker 3: dressed in carnival costumes. Now, if you are outset, outside

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Speaker 3: of the culture, or generally don't have an appreciation for

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Speaker 3: the culture, you would say that those women are dressed

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Speaker 3: half naked and gyrating, right, and add some judgment on that,

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Speaker 3: where someone who is inside the culture will have an

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Speaker 3: appreciation for it. So the fact that I come from

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Speaker 3: a Caribbean background and this gentleman was an American, and

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Speaker 3: on top of the fact that he was an American

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Speaker 3: did not have an appreciation for carnival and mass and

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Speaker 3: what it meant. When I went to Trinidad with my friends,

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Speaker 3: I think it was twenty fifteen, and then I also

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Speaker 3: went to Carabano, which is in Canada twenty sixteen, and

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Speaker 3: I'm dressed appropriately for the events. That was like, the

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Speaker 3: biggest blow up is the end of the world, and

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Speaker 3: I'm this kind of person and I'm so terrible and

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Speaker 3: I'm looking for you know, whatever might happen to me,

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Speaker 3: I might deserve it because this is the way that

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Speaker 3: I'm dressed. I'm like, Wow, this is not an.

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Speaker 4: Appropriate match tea.

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Speaker 6: Okay, I'm not trying to interrupt the show, but I

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Speaker 6: had this random idea I want to share with you,

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Speaker 6: and I don't want to forget it.

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Speaker 2: Tell me, tell me what is it?

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Speaker 6: Okay? So you know how at the start of every

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Speaker 6: New Year, birthday, new moon, anniversary, new month, new anything,

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Speaker 6: people find themselves wanted to have a reset, but they're

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Speaker 6: not sure where to start.

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Speaker 2: I sure do What are you thinking?

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Speaker 6: What if we hosted a workshop where we could interact

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Speaker 6: with our listeners to talk about stuff like self care

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Speaker 6: and self love, oh.

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Speaker 2: And ge and we could even have a session about manifestation,

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Speaker 2: leaving toxic relationships and becoming our best selves.

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Speaker 4: Girl, I am so excited.

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Speaker 3: I'm sold.

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Speaker 2: We could call it the Vibrate Higher Empowerment Workshop.

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Speaker 6: Yes, yes, that is it, and we could even host

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Speaker 6: a live quarterly wind down to check in and build

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Speaker 6: community as we vibrate higher all year. Yo.

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Speaker 4: I love it, I love it. I'm sold. Let's do it.

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Speaker 6: Lady.

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Speaker 2: If this sounds like fun to you, visit new Workshop

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Speaker 2: dot com and join us for the Vibrate Higher Empowerment Workshop.

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Speaker 2: If you want to release baggage, set intentions, and manifest

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Speaker 2: the like you desire, this is just for you, lady.

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Speaker 6: That's New Year Workshop dot com.

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Speaker 2: We can't wait to connect with you.

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Speaker 3: This is problematic for me on top of lots of

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Speaker 3: other things, but that's like the real standout. So in

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Speaker 3: my mind at the time, I said, you know, the

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Speaker 3: next guy that I date, he has to be Caribbean, Like,

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Speaker 3: I am not dealing with this judgment and so on

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Speaker 3: and so forth. But ironically, when I began to date

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Speaker 3: again after I decided that the relationship wasn't a good match,

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Speaker 3: I dated an American guy and I asked him, well,

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Speaker 3: what are your thoughts about Caribbean culture in this particular element,

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Speaker 3: and he said, oh, I think the costumes are beautiful

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Speaker 3: and I love all the feathers, and I love the

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Speaker 3: gems and I think it's just amazing.

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Speaker 4: Ha ha, there you right, So.

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Speaker 3: You can find someone who doesn't even have to be

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Speaker 3: of the same culture, who can appreciate the things that

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Speaker 3: you appreciate exactly.

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Speaker 4: I love that. I love that, and I love that.

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Speaker 1: The lesson that you took away out of I'm sure

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Speaker 1: multiple lessons, but the lesson that you took away was

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Speaker 1: to turn it inward and focus on, Okay, well, what

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Speaker 1: am I not getting in this relationship that I know

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Speaker 1: now I need to have in a future relationship.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, And when I work with my clients, that's literally

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Speaker 3: the first thing we do, like in our first session together,

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Speaker 3: we start myself reflection process. So we need to have

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Speaker 3: a conversation about what went right and what went wrong

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Speaker 3: in your former relationships and how you were a part

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Speaker 3: of that process. Because again, even if you were dating

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Speaker 3: a devil, right, even if you were dating a sociopath,

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Speaker 3: there was something, there was some inclination, there was some

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Speaker 3: red flag, there was something that you ignored. And I

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Speaker 3: don't want a victim blame, right, because there are some

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Speaker 3: women who are legitimately a victim of their ex but

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Speaker 3: at the same time, How are we going to be

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Speaker 3: able to move forward to be sure that we don't

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Speaker 3: make the same mistakes over and over again if we

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Speaker 3: don't self reflect and say to ourselves.

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Speaker 4: I ignored this, I ignored that, I like this.

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Speaker 3: I don't like that, so that I can put a

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Speaker 3: better picture together of as to how to move forward.

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Speaker 2: What is the most challenging part of that process? Like

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Speaker 2: when you're meeting with the client, where do you find that, Oh,

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Speaker 2: the ladies, they be struggling at this point, like part

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Speaker 2: of that reflection process, what's the most challenging part?

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Speaker 4: Blaming?

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Speaker 3: Still blaming, So it'll be something like this, well, I

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Speaker 3: went wrong because I emasculated him, but I amacinated him

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Speaker 3: because you know, he ain't have a job, and so

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Speaker 3: that's why I cheated him like you did. So there's

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Speaker 3: always like people don't like to take full responsibility. They'll

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Speaker 3: tell you, they'll admit where they went wrong, but then

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Speaker 3: they still want to legitimize.

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Speaker 4: Why they did what they did, versus.

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Speaker 3: Saying this, this was my behavior, My behavior was inappropriate,

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Speaker 3: and so this is how or Alison, how can you

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Speaker 3: help me to change that behavior?

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Speaker 1: I can imagine that that is a pretty vulnerable space

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Speaker 1: to be in right to take full accountability and responsibility

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Speaker 1: for your role in what transpired in the relationship. And

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Speaker 1: so when women are coming to you and that's the

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Speaker 1: space where they're struggling, how do you get them to

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Speaker 1: sit with that, to get into that space because that vulnerability,

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Speaker 1: you know, that's easy to want to avoid.

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Speaker 3: I think in all honesty, when you're working with a client,

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Speaker 3: especially one who's paying out of pocket, I like to

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Speaker 3: gently remind them that we're here to do the work

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Speaker 3: to help you get to this goal. You're paying me

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Speaker 3: to help you get to this goal, and so by

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Speaker 3: coming up with excuses is not helping you get to

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Speaker 3: your end goal. And again, working with my age group

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Speaker 3: thirty five plus, a lot of these women either don't

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Speaker 3: have any children or they want to have another child

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Speaker 3: with a committed mate. So we don't have time for

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Speaker 3: the excuses. We don't have time for the bs. So

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Speaker 3: let's keep moving because literally, biology is not on your side.

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Speaker 3: We're working together on an eight week span or a

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Speaker 3: twelve week span to get you prepared for love again,

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Speaker 3: and so we don't have time to bs each other.

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Speaker 3: And usually when I come up, I know it's a

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Speaker 3: bit aggressive, but seriously, like time is of the essence,

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Speaker 3: and so when I remind them of that, like you've

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Speaker 3: hired me to assist you, this is our process, and

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Speaker 3: so this is the direction that we have to go in.

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Speaker 3: Or maybe perhaps you and I are not a good fit,

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Speaker 3: but I cannot allow the bs because we are just

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Speaker 3: on a time constraint.

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Speaker 1: So the woman has to really be ready, really be ready.

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Speaker 3: And so when I promote myself or when I do

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Speaker 3: my free webinars, I like to think that I put

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Speaker 3: across an energy of I'm not here to play with you.

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Speaker 4: I'm not playing, not playing, so that those who.

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Speaker 3: Are prepared to put in the work, I like her

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Speaker 3: and this is a good fit for me, and then

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Speaker 3: those who aren't ready to say, oh, she's too aggressive

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Speaker 3: and that's okay.

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Speaker 4: I think it's.

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Speaker 3: Super important that potential clients are vetting who their mental

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Speaker 3: health professional is to make sure that it's an appropriate

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Speaker 3: match for them, because even though I claim to have

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Speaker 3: the remedy, I might not be in terms of personality

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Speaker 3: and in terms of approach, a good fit. So we

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Speaker 3: have to be mindful of that as well. Every client

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Speaker 3: is not an appropriate client to the mental health professional.

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Speaker 2: That is so incredible that you say that too, because

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Speaker 2: it sounds like you are well aware and also very

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Speaker 2: comfortable with the fact that you're not for everybody, and

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Speaker 2: I think we all need to kind of get that

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Speaker 2: in our spirit with whatever then you you're in in life.

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Speaker 2: It's like, you're not going to be for everybody, and

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Speaker 2: that's okay. So you know who your target market is.

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Speaker 2: And I saw on your website you were like, I'm

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Speaker 2: a straight talker, Like we're going to do this work

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Speaker 2: like I'm not here to play, and I love that.

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Speaker 2: So when you think about the clients that you work with, right,

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Speaker 2: women that are over thirty five, that are trying to

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Speaker 2: manassess relationship that they deserve, what would you say, are

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Speaker 2: like some of the common themes that you notice? So

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Speaker 2: just like things that you recognize are things that come

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Speaker 2: up because I know one thing that many of us

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Speaker 2: hear is like, oh, black women, and you can also

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Speaker 2: probably speak to this better than I can als and

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Speaker 2: but oh black women, you know the oh do we

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Speaker 2: get We're like not wanted apparently, and like, oh, we

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Speaker 2: got to go outside our race, so we got to

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Speaker 2: do this in order to get a relationship. In addition

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Speaker 2: to that, like What are some of the things that

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Speaker 2: you personally hear being in the field and doing that work.

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Speaker 3: What I hear a lot and a lot of it

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Speaker 3: is BS, I don't have time to date. I don't

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Speaker 3: have time when we all know that we find time

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Speaker 3: for the things that we are most passionate about. So

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Speaker 3: I like to reframe that around I am afraid to

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Speaker 3: invest the time because I don't think I'll get the

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Speaker 3: results that I want. Especially again, women who are over

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Speaker 3: thirty five are relatively solid in their career path and

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Speaker 3: their finances, their credit, so on and so forth, so

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Speaker 3: they're accustomed to working hard and getting a result. They

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Speaker 3: work hard within four years, they get the degree, they

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Speaker 3: work hard, they get the promotion within a year, like

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Speaker 3: there is a tangible end goal and they're accustomed to

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Speaker 3: getting to that goal. But when it comes to romance,

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Speaker 3: it's not the same like getting a promotion or getting

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Speaker 3: another degree right underneath their belt. And so when they

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Speaker 3: say that I don't have time to date, it's I'm

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Speaker 3: afraid to invest the time because I am not confident

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Speaker 3: I'm going.

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Speaker 4: To get a solid result.

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Speaker 1: I think that's important though, to identify that right and

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Speaker 1: because to go back to what you were previously saying

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Speaker 1: about whether or not someone may be a good fit

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Speaker 1: for you. I think identifying that for themselves is important

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Speaker 1: in not just that encounter with you, but then also

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Speaker 1: just that's a good first step in thinking about how

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Speaker 1: they approach relationships in general. And so when you think

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Speaker 1: about the women that come to see you and the

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Speaker 1: things that they really are looking for, and going back

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Speaker 1: to what Terry was asking about some of those themes,

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Speaker 1: so a lot of them are over thirty five and

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Speaker 1: wanting to have that healthy relationship. But what are some

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Speaker 1: of the other personality traits maybe that come up?

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Speaker 3: I think in regards to personality traits, I would say

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Speaker 3: that some of my clients are motherly. I don't know

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Speaker 3: if that's a good personality trait in regards to answering

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Speaker 3: the question, but I find that a lot of them

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Speaker 3: are thinking about what the mate has in terms of

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Speaker 3: potential and how they can build they can build the

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Speaker 3: man that they want. And in most cases we're heterosexual relationships.

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Speaker 3: So that's why I say man. But so this guy,

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Speaker 3: he likes me, and he's attractive enough, but he doesn't

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Speaker 3: have a job.

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Speaker 4: He's half homeless, he you know what I mean?

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Speaker 3: Like, he's just a mess, but I can build this

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Speaker 3: and I can fix this because he has the potential.

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Speaker 3: So I find that one of the problem mablematic traits

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Speaker 3: is that this idea that is their responsibility.

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Speaker 4: To care for and to groom and to build.

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Speaker 3: Up this mate so that he is an appropriate match

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Speaker 3: versus putting in the time and effort to one comes

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Speaker 3: to the realization of what is a perfect match for you,

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Speaker 3: and then two putting in the effort to find that match.

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Speaker 2: So many questions, Alison, Okay, what if there is a

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Speaker 2: woman listening right now and she's like, oh, that's me, Like,

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Speaker 2: I try to fix the people that I'm with. What

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Speaker 2: do you do at that point once you've come to

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Speaker 2: the realization that I am trying to be a fixer

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Speaker 2: and I'm not necessarily finding people that are on my

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Speaker 2: playing field. I'm kind of settling, right, Like, what do

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Speaker 2: you do once you realize that that's you?

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Speaker 3: So what I would advise, and what I advise all

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Speaker 3: my clients is that they come up with a list

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Speaker 3: of five non negotiables. Those are five traits that their

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Speaker 3: mate must have before they can even or potential mate

405
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Speaker 3: must have before they can even continue a relationship. And

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Speaker 3: so once you have the list of the non negotiables,

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Speaker 3: if the person meets those five, then you may continue

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Speaker 3: through the process. If they don't meet those fives, you

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Speaker 3: literally will not continue.

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Speaker 4: So what do I mean.

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Speaker 3: You're on a dating app, let's say, and you have

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Speaker 3: your five non negotiables. Of course all five may not

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Speaker 3: be answered within the profile, right, so you have to

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Speaker 3: engage in some kind of conversation. You start dming each other,

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Speaker 3: and then you continue to text messages, and then you

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Speaker 3: continue to phone calls. And as you continue that level

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Speaker 3: of communications that increases. You're asking poignant questions to get

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Speaker 3: to does the person seem to have my five qualifications?

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Speaker 3: So for me, one of my qualifications was hardworking, Like

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Speaker 3: the person has to be a hardware.

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Speaker 4: I work hard.

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Speaker 3: You got to work hard, like I'm not taking care

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Speaker 3: of anybody. You are not my son, right, And so

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Speaker 3: I'm asking where do you work? And what is your work?

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Speaker 3: Do you enjoy your work? Have you any thoughts about

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Speaker 3: changing careers? What would that entail? How many hours do

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Speaker 3: you put in? I wouldn't ask necessarily about salary, I'd

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Speaker 3: google that, but you know, I'm finding out, Like you know,

429
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Speaker 3: when you were in college. Did you when did you

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Speaker 3: start working when you were in college? Did you have

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Speaker 3: to balance both?

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Speaker 4: How was that?

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Speaker 3: Did you ever work two jobs in order to meet

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Speaker 3: a goal you want? You know, you want to pay

435
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Speaker 3: off your cars?

436
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Speaker 4: So he took on.

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Speaker 3: So I'm asking questions around trying to figure out whether

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Speaker 3: or not he's hard working. If he says to me,

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Speaker 3: I work a part time job because I lived downstairs

440
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,760
Speaker 3: from my mom and she doesn't really press me for rent.

441
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,320
Speaker 4: It was a pleasure speaking to you, sir, Have a

442
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:28,480
Speaker 4: nice day. Right, you find the right person, and that

443
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,119
Speaker 4: ain't me, and that ain't me.

444
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:33,760
Speaker 3: So again, if a person is able to come up

445
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,040
Speaker 3: with their five non negotiables, five character traits that are

446
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,760
Speaker 3: a must, and they use those fives to vet people

447
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,760
Speaker 3: as they go through the talking process before we're even

448
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,119
Speaker 3: officially dating, then that will answer the question as to

449
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,680
Speaker 3: whether or not they're settling. But if you have your

450
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,880
Speaker 3: five and then you start dating, and then you say, oh,

451
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 3: he doesn't have number one and number three, but I'll

452
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,520
Speaker 3: give him a chance, you're settling. He doesn't have number

453
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,760
Speaker 3: five and number two, but you still give him a chance.

454
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 3: You're settling. Once the person seems to have. And again

455
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,399
Speaker 3: there's some people who are extremely manipulative. There are some

456
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,119
Speaker 3: people who are liars, but you're asking the questions. If

457
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:09,040
Speaker 3: they seem to have those five then you know it's

458
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,359
Speaker 3: not a subtle it's a match.

459
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:11,240
Speaker 4: Oo.

460
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,560
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm with you on the figuring out the non negotiables, right.

461
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 1: I've talked to clients myself about that about like identifying

462
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:25,479
Speaker 1: your non negotiables. Now, let's say that they meet all

463
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:29,960
Speaker 1: of those non negotiables, then what where do we go

464
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:30,440
Speaker 1: from here?

465
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,120
Speaker 3: So then now that's when the dating process starts, right,

466
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,480
Speaker 3: So we go from the dating app to the DMS,

467
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 3: to the text messages to phone calls.

468
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,040
Speaker 4: We have to get on the phone. Ladies.

469
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,000
Speaker 3: Do not allow him to text your life away. And

470
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,879
Speaker 3: that's for two reasons. One because we have to be

471
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,000
Speaker 3: sure that they live where they say they live, they

472
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,159
Speaker 3: live with who they say they live with, right, So

473
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,800
Speaker 3: if you can't get on the phone with me, ever,

474
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,640
Speaker 3: why is that is that because there's a baby crying

475
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:56,160
Speaker 3: in the background.

476
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 4: You never told me about a baby.

477
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,600
Speaker 3: Maybe if there's somebody who's calling a name who sounds

478
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,359
Speaker 3: like a grandma, but you told me to live alone,

479
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,320
Speaker 3: Like I just so we need to be on the phone.

480
00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,679
Speaker 3: And then in terms of practicality, how are we going

481
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,200
Speaker 3: to get to know each other via text? Like how

482
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,960
Speaker 3: many text messages are you going to send?

483
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,800
Speaker 4: A phone call? Just makes it easier.

484
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,440
Speaker 3: From the phone call, then we go to the FaceTime.

485
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,959
Speaker 3: From the FaceTime, then we start dating. So again and

486
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,560
Speaker 3: you're still going through that vetting process of does he

487
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 3: meet the five non negotiables and then once he does

488
00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,520
Speaker 3: or seemingly does, then we move on to the negotiables.

489
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,359
Speaker 3: The bonus is can he cook? If that's a bonus

490
00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:31,199
Speaker 3: for some people, it's a non negotiable. I'm not judging,

491
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,640
Speaker 3: but you know, does he cook or is he fit?

492
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,480
Speaker 3: Or does he have a beard or whatever your negotiables are.

493
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 4: That's the next step.

494
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:42,320
Speaker 3: So you start to vet and verify if they have

495
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,640
Speaker 3: some of those things that would be a nice bonus

496
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,359
Speaker 3: but are not a deal breaker.

497
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,480
Speaker 2: Nice that makes perfect sense. Oh this is so good,

498
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,240
Speaker 2: so juicy. Okay, let's see what else. One thing you

499
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:55,400
Speaker 2: talk about sometimes is like leaving a relationship, and so

500
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,119
Speaker 2: what are the common mistakes that you realize whenmen make

501
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,760
Speaker 2: when trying to move on from that relationship. So, whether

502
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,880
Speaker 2: it's like that toxic X or that X that keeps

503
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,240
Speaker 2: on coming back or yeah, or maybe you you keep

504
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,800
Speaker 2: calling because you're like, I'm lonely, we still you know,

505
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:14,280
Speaker 2: for the pandemic, right, I d like whatever it might be, Like,

506
00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:15,720
Speaker 2: what is what do you recommend?

507
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,879
Speaker 3: I have written a book, a book about it called

508
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 3: move On. Cis okay, and we need to learn when

509
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 3: to cut ties and move on. So in the book,

510
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 3: it's a five step process and it really details what

511
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 3: women need to do. But before I even get into

512
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:38,159
Speaker 3: those steps, what really matters, What really matters is that

513
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 3: you've made a decision to move on.

514
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:41,520
Speaker 4: And I know that.

515
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 3: Oh that sounds so easy, Alison. You just make a decision.

516
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,199
Speaker 3: But yes, literally, you make a choice. You have a

517
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:49,040
Speaker 3: choice in the matter. You have a choice in every matter.

518
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:49,239
Speaker 1: Right.

519
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,240
Speaker 3: We chose where we went to school, we chose what

520
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:53,639
Speaker 3: degree ween we're going to go after. We chose our career.

521
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,600
Speaker 3: We choose our friends, we choose our hair, you choose

522
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,159
Speaker 3: your man, you choose your woman. Right, so you have

523
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,520
Speaker 3: to make a choice to say I am moving on

524
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:03,959
Speaker 3: from this because this is not a good match, or

525
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,439
Speaker 3: this is abusive, or this is not fulfilling, whatever it

526
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,400
Speaker 3: may be. Like zero zing zing like you know what you're

527
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:10,680
Speaker 3: about to jump into double dutch, Like.

528
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,000
Speaker 4: That's like the step before the step.

529
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,680
Speaker 3: All right, So in regards to what do you do first,

530
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:16,880
Speaker 3: you have to accept the fact.

531
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 4: That it's over. It's over.

532
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,200
Speaker 3: It's either over because you said the words, because he

533
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:24,840
Speaker 3: or she said the words, or because one of you

534
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,119
Speaker 3: have done the actions of a person who is no

535
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 3: longer together. They're sleeping with somebody else, they've moved out,

536
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 3: they haven't spoken to you for weeks, they've ghosted you.

537
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 4: It's over.

538
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 3: So accepting that fact step two is not allowing them

539
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,919
Speaker 3: back in. If you've said to me it's over, if

540
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,920
Speaker 3: I've said to you or you've shown me it's over.

541
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,880
Speaker 3: I'm not a revolving door. You're not going to treat

542
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 3: me like a doormat. That's just not an option. So

543
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,200
Speaker 3: we're all adults here. We're not in our teens anymore.

544
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,880
Speaker 3: If someone says this relationship is not working, I think

545
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,439
Speaker 3: it's best we move on. That is the end of

546
00:26:56,720 --> 00:27:01,480
Speaker 3: the road, period, So we're not doubling back. Next, we

547
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,479
Speaker 3: need to get rid of their things, and we need

548
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 3: to get rid of their things in a way of

549
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 3: not looking for closure. I am not a proponent of closure,

550
00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:13,280
Speaker 3: because I know most mental health professionals probably wuldn't agree.

551
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,479
Speaker 3: But the reason why I'm not a fan of closure,

552
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,480
Speaker 3: I don't believe in it is because most people aren't

553
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 3: doing it for the right reasons.

554
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 4: They're doing this quote unquote closure.

555
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 3: Because they want to get one more opportunity to get

556
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,359
Speaker 3: back together, one more opportunity to sleep with each other,

557
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,719
Speaker 3: one more opportunity to argue it out, whatever it is.

558
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,479
Speaker 3: So most of the time when people claim they need

559
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,000
Speaker 3: closures because they really just want to hold onto the

560
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 3: remnants of that relationship, and so I don't believe in it.

561
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 4: Get rid of their stuff.

562
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,200
Speaker 3: You're going to pack it up. You know what time

563
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 3: they get home, because y'all been together. He gets home

564
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,679
Speaker 3: four thirty at four twenty. You're leaving it on the

565
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 3: porch or in front of the door so nobody steals

566
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,920
Speaker 3: his stuff. And then you send a text message, good day, sir,

567
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,480
Speaker 3: I have packed your items there in front of your door. Period,

568
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:58,200
Speaker 3: get those items out of your house. If he's purchased

569
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 3: or she's purchased items for you, get rid of I'm

570
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,720
Speaker 3: sell them, burn them, melt it down and make something

571
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 3: new I don't know, I don't care. If there's any

572
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 3: item that's around you in your space that makes you unhappy,

573
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,359
Speaker 3: that dredges up negative emotions, you got to get it

574
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 3: out of your space. Number four, get off of their

575
00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 3: social media. Get off, get off, get off. And the

576
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,560
Speaker 3: reason why I highly recommend getting off of folks social

577
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:26,680
Speaker 3: media is the same thing in regards to like closure.

578
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,399
Speaker 3: How are you going to be able to move on

579
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,879
Speaker 3: if you don't give yourself the space to do so.

580
00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,719
Speaker 3: So you're stalking his page, You're watching where he or

581
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,240
Speaker 3: she is going. You're looking and you're saying, oh, he's

582
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,000
Speaker 3: having fun with his friends. How could he be having

583
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 3: fun with his friends? And I'm here and I'm sad.

584
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 3: Or he's posting sad means like you ain't really sad.

585
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,400
Speaker 3: If he was really sad, you would have worked it

586
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,120
Speaker 3: out with me. He can't do anything right. There's no

587
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:51,240
Speaker 3: win in this. If he's posting the new girl, now

588
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 3: your heartbroken? How is he able to move on so quickly?

589
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,520
Speaker 3: He must have been sleeping with her from the beginning, right,

590
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:59,080
Speaker 3: And then now you're judging it, Oh she's prettier than me,

591
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:01,480
Speaker 3: or she has a nicer figure, she makes more money

592
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 3: or the opposite.

593
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,960
Speaker 4: Oh, she don't even look as good as I do.

594
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 4: And how you gonna mess?

595
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:09,520
Speaker 3: There's no good that comes from chasing after someone's social media,

596
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:12,920
Speaker 3: no good. Mute them, block them, do whatever you have

597
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,719
Speaker 3: to do, but stay far away. And the last step

598
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,040
Speaker 3: is to take care of yourself. So now that this

599
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:22,160
Speaker 3: relationship is over, you may feel like there's a part

600
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 3: of you that's missing. So now we have to fill

601
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 3: ourselves back up. And I would advise women to do it.

602
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 3: There's a litany of ways.

603
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 1: Right.

604
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:31,920
Speaker 3: If that means that you want to start working out

605
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:35,680
Speaker 3: and you want to distract yourself from the pain a

606
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 3: bid by getting healthy. If you want to go back

607
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:39,920
Speaker 3: to school and finish a degree. If you want to

608
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,600
Speaker 3: throw yourself into your work, hug your friends, you want

609
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,240
Speaker 3: to buy a dog. I don't care what you do.

610
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 3: Whatever you do that can be considered healthy, but a

611
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 3: healthy distraction. You do that you take care of yourself,

612
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 3: You get pampered, you go to the spy, you go

613
00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 3: out with your girls, even have a drunken night. Once

614
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 3: you guys are safe, whatever it takes, but start taking

615
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:03,800
Speaker 3: care care of you and filling yourself back up.

616
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: Those are the steps beautiful? Yes, those are amazing steps.

617
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 1: And I will say with the closure piece for me,

618
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:14,840
Speaker 1: when I think about closure, I agree with you that

619
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:18,200
Speaker 1: a lot of times people are seeking closure because they

620
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 1: want to have that extra opportunity to see if I

621
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 1: still got it, or see if there's still one last hope, right,

622
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 1: one more chance. I think closure in terms of doing

623
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 1: the work on yourself.

624
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:36,080
Speaker 4: Is important.

625
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:39,560
Speaker 1: And so I think if someone is defining closure as

626
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:44,680
Speaker 1: maybe I am journaling about the experience of this relationship,

627
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 1: or maybe I'm going to the beach to or praying

628
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:55,560
Speaker 1: or meditating to release the energy from this person, I

629
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 1: think if that's the focus of the closure, I think

630
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,080
Speaker 1: that that's important because it to what you were saying

631
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 1: about like that taking care of self.

632
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,560
Speaker 4: I absolutely like and you're right and I absolutely like

633
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 4: that too.

634
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 3: I especially when you were speaking, I thought about the

635
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 3: journaling and then burning the journal.

636
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,840
Speaker 4: Get it out of here, get it out. That's the closure.

637
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,360
Speaker 3: That's how we're literally going to close the book on

638
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 3: this chapter.

639
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 2: Literally literally yes, so good, so good, So Alison, is

640
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:27,840
Speaker 2: there anything that people typically don't ask you about? Are

641
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,560
Speaker 2: things that don't come up that are just in your

642
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 2: mind as a relationship coach where you're like, I wish

643
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 2: people ask about this or something that you're just really

644
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,280
Speaker 2: passionate about in this topic that you will want to

645
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:39,800
Speaker 2: share with us before we change up the energy of

646
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 2: our interview.

647
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:45,920
Speaker 3: Well, sometimes I get asked, but not enough. Yeah, people

648
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,320
Speaker 3: ask me why do I exclusively work with women?

649
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:48,760
Speaker 6: Here?

650
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:49,720
Speaker 4: Wh's room with the guys.

651
00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:51,520
Speaker 3: If there's like a guy who happens to jump on

652
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:53,320
Speaker 3: like a to a live stream or something.

653
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:56,000
Speaker 2: Like that, face yes, tell us else and why?

654
00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,400
Speaker 3: And ironically, when I decided to get into romantic relationship

655
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 3: coaching and dating, I did want to work with men.

656
00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,240
Speaker 3: I thought that my approach, my kind of like I'm

657
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 3: self described aggressive approach, might be a better match for

658
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 3: men than it would be for women. However, I looked

659
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,000
Speaker 3: out and I thought to myself, when have I known

660
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 3: men to listen to women? How many times have we

661
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:25,840
Speaker 3: felt like we told our partner, Oh, let's say, like,

662
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 3: you know, babe, you should start working out, Babe, you

663
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:29,640
Speaker 3: should start working out, Babe, you should start working out.

664
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:31,640
Speaker 3: Then one of his boys comes, your brothers go to

665
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 3: the gym, we out like.

666
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:36,800
Speaker 4: Yo, I told you mad times goes to the gym

667
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 4: and you don't you know.

668
00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 3: That's just like but nonetheless we're nagging when we tell

669
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,080
Speaker 3: them to do things, but when their boys tell them

670
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:44,680
Speaker 3: to do things, it's like it's the first time they

671
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 3: ever heard in their entire life.

672
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 4: And good men not so good men.

673
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 3: I just don't think, generally speaking, when a man hares

674
00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:53,520
Speaker 3: a woman's voice, that goes one in one ear and

675
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,200
Speaker 3: out the other. So initially I really wanted to work

676
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 3: with men because I thought that I was a better match.

677
00:32:58,400 --> 00:32:59,680
Speaker 3: Like I thought that maybe I'm a little bit too

678
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:01,680
Speaker 3: a brain if then women may not like that approach,

679
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 3: and so I'd be a better batch for men. But

680
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:05,120
Speaker 3: I thought, I don't think they're going to listen to

681
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,880
Speaker 3: me then, and and or I don't think that they're

682
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:12,960
Speaker 3: either going to even going to seek professional help.

683
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 4: So let me just roll with what.

684
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 3: I know and let me talk to women because I

685
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:22,120
Speaker 3: know their life, I know their experience. I know what

686
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 3: it feels like to like physically feel pressure to have children,

687
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,200
Speaker 3: Like there's like a biological there's a chemical. I'm not

688
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 3: a doctor. There's something that happens around twenty seven, twenty eight,

689
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:36,960
Speaker 3: twenty nine that no man can speak to. And what

690
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:40,200
Speaker 3: I've noticed especially in the black community, is that a

691
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:44,160
Speaker 3: lot of the relationship coaches are men black men, and

692
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 3: so I'm sure that the reason why they have their

693
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,200
Speaker 3: popularity one many of them are attractive, but I'm sure

694
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:52,840
Speaker 3: that they have their popularity because women say, oh, I'm

695
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 3: going to listen to him because he knows men, so

696
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 3: obviously he's going to be the best person to advise

697
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,400
Speaker 3: me on how men think and how men and act,

698
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:00,720
Speaker 3: and I.

699
00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:03,280
Speaker 4: Can move accordingly. And I get that. I think there's

700
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:03,960
Speaker 4: value in that.

701
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 3: But what I'd like to say is that I would

702
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:12,160
Speaker 3: want to hear more from black women coaches because we

703
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 3: literally have gone through your experience, and no man can

704
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 3: say that they have gone through it. They may understand

705
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:23,080
Speaker 3: men because they're a man, but they have not experienced

706
00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 3: what we've experienced, and they can't speak to that exactly.

707
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:29,719
Speaker 4: That's beautiful, I'm with it.

708
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:35,240
Speaker 1: And so speaking of your experience and what you've been through,

709
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:39,680
Speaker 1: so earlier you shared a little bit about what got

710
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:44,359
Speaker 1: you into coaching because of the negative relationships that you've experienced,

711
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:50,959
Speaker 1: but I think our listeners want to hear about the positive, right,

712
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 1: So what was your success on the personal level?

713
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:57,680
Speaker 3: So, as I mentioned before, I was dating the gentleman

714
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,440
Speaker 3: who did not have an appreciation for some elements of

715
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,640
Speaker 3: my culture, amongst other things. And then once I ended

716
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,720
Speaker 3: that relationship, I began to date an quote unquote American

717
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:09,720
Speaker 3: guy and spoke to him about elements of my culture.

718
00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:10,480
Speaker 4: He's like, oh, I love it.

719
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 3: And as we continue to date and get to know

720
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:17,440
Speaker 3: each other, I realized that we were legitimately compatible.

721
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 4: I think people forget about the value of compatibility, and.

722
00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:23,719
Speaker 3: When they go down their laundry list, so they go

723
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:27,919
Speaker 3: down their five non negotiables, they forget compatibility. And that's

724
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,080
Speaker 3: just something I really stress because if you are not

725
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:32,799
Speaker 3: compatible with your mate, it doesn't matter what he does.

726
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 3: He's loving, he wants a big family, he makes all

727
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:38,959
Speaker 3: this money. But if your personalities aren't a good mesh,

728
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 3: it just won't work. And so as I began to

729
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:44,760
Speaker 3: date him and get to know him, and I realized

730
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:48,600
Speaker 3: that we just get along so well that we are compatible.

731
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,040
Speaker 3: We are just in terms of personality, just an excellent match.

732
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:54,520
Speaker 3: On top of him having the other non negotiables. And

733
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:59,360
Speaker 3: so I literally went through the process that I now teach,

734
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,080
Speaker 3: which is self reflection.

735
00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:02,360
Speaker 4: Where did I go wrong?

736
00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:04,799
Speaker 3: And where I went wrong with not dating someone I

737
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:08,480
Speaker 3: was compatible with, right stepping up, which is, I need

738
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,560
Speaker 3: to work on me to become the best version of

739
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:13,439
Speaker 3: me so that this amazing mate that I found even

740
00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 3: wants me.

741
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,480
Speaker 4: Because that's one of the problems, right, especially with women.

742
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:17,640
Speaker 4: We have this laundry list of.

743
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,800
Speaker 3: What we want from men and if we were even

744
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,319
Speaker 3: able to find them where they want us as we are,

745
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 3: we have to make sure that we're the best version

746
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:29,319
Speaker 3: of ourselves. So self reflection, step up, and then sitting back.

747
00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:33,160
Speaker 3: So the sit back is when we release our guards,

748
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,919
Speaker 3: we open ourselves up for love again. And so that's

749
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,839
Speaker 3: the process I went through. And then the same guide

750
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:41,680
Speaker 3: that I spoke about two years later, because we're on

751
00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 3: the same page. We believe in marriage, we believe in family.

752
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,279
Speaker 3: Are now married, so.

753
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:48,960
Speaker 2: Congratulations, thank you.

754
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,080
Speaker 3: And a wedding during COVID which could be another episode

755
00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 3: for another day.

756
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:57,640
Speaker 2: And y'all got to go check out Allison's Instagram because

757
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:01,319
Speaker 2: one Allison's flies hell and your swag you are from

758
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,680
Speaker 2: obviously from New York the accent and mad I'm like, yes,

759
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 2: from New York the slag.

760
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:08,279
Speaker 4: And then the wedding, I was like, you know, the wedding.

761
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 2: Picture's beautiful, So definitely go check out Allison's work for sure.

762
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 2: But Allison, we want to shift up things a little bit.

763
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,080
Speaker 2: We want to shift up the energy of our interview.

764
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:21,279
Speaker 2: And because we recognize, appreciate, and celebrate the multifaceted woman,

765
00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:24,720
Speaker 2: and we believe it it's okay to be classy and ratchet.

766
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:27,560
Speaker 2: You can be elegant and stale dance to strip club music.

767
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:31,280
Speaker 2: We want to invite you to the oh you clatchet segment?

768
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,759
Speaker 2: So Allison, do you take on the challenge?

769
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 4: Yes? Absolutely? Can't you tell?

770
00:37:36,239 --> 00:37:36,479
Speaker 2: Yes?

771
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 4: I knew it ready, I'll be ready. Go ahead, down

772
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:41,680
Speaker 4: you kick it off girl.

773
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:45,680
Speaker 1: Okay, So Allison, we're gonna you know, we're gonna ease

774
00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 1: you into it.

775
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:48,280
Speaker 4: Even though we know you're ready, We're going to ease

776
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:49,040
Speaker 4: you into it.

777
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,480
Speaker 1: What topic can you talk about?

778
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:54,200
Speaker 4: All days?

779
00:37:55,320 --> 00:38:00,319
Speaker 3: I can talk about nineties and early two thousands, Tip Pop,

780
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 3: Big Biggie Fan, Biggie's every day from Brooklyn.

781
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:05,880
Speaker 4: If you said New York. But just so you know,

782
00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:07,080
Speaker 4: New Yorkers don't like that.

783
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:13,640
Speaker 2: You there you go, girl, Cooklynn, I'm he bk Okay,

784
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:14,920
Speaker 2: it's all about Biggie.

785
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:16,920
Speaker 4: It's all about Jay. It's all about nads.

786
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:18,960
Speaker 3: Like, I'm a big hip hop fan, so I can

787
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,760
Speaker 3: talk all day long about who's the best MC Biggie

788
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:22,640
Speaker 3: jay Z or nads.

789
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,560
Speaker 4: I can talk all about that all day long. I

790
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:26,799
Speaker 4: love it. I love it. That's right.

791
00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 2: You are so right about that because I feel like

792
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:31,279
Speaker 2: certain people from like Philly, you know, when you're from

793
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:32,920
Speaker 2: the outskirts and people are like, oh, I'm from this

794
00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:35,200
Speaker 2: city and people are like not really. So I'm totally

795
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:37,839
Speaker 2: I got you, girl, I got you from Brooklyn, y'all.

796
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,480
Speaker 2: All right, So here's our next question for you, Allison.

797
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:42,080
Speaker 2: All right, and I think I know the answer, but

798
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 2: I'm gonna ask anyway, are you going to twork or

799
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:47,479
Speaker 2: a two step? What you're doing?

800
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,480
Speaker 3: See, my tur game is not all that because I'm

801
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,440
Speaker 3: a homebody, so I don't really go out enough to

802
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:55,080
Speaker 3: be in the clubs.

803
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,880
Speaker 4: To work on work. So how about this.

804
00:38:57,920 --> 00:38:59,600
Speaker 3: I'm Caribbean, So can I do a wine?

805
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:04,520
Speaker 4: Yeah? All right, so that's what I'll do. Choice, choice, choice,

806
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:07,400
Speaker 4: cy we all want to add wine to the options

807
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:07,719
Speaker 4: over there?

808
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:07,880
Speaker 6: Now?

809
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,640
Speaker 4: I love it, all right?

810
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:15,239
Speaker 1: And so then which song would get you to the

811
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:18,000
Speaker 1: dance floor? That's a hard one.

812
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,879
Speaker 3: That's a hard one to the day because, like I said,

813
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:22,400
Speaker 3: I'm such a homebody. I'm kind of corny, so I

814
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:24,800
Speaker 3: don't really go out too much. So I'm going to

815
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,040
Speaker 3: go with juvenile back that ass up.

816
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,720
Speaker 4: Ah, there we go. I can't go wrong with that.

817
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:34,359
Speaker 2: One, not at all, not at all all right, as

818
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:38,000
Speaker 2: let's see, our last question for you is what's something

819
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 2: that many people don't know about you?

820
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:45,080
Speaker 3: So I have a process of how I shop, So

821
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:49,240
Speaker 3: I never shop for events, like if there's a birthday

822
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:51,880
Speaker 3: coming up or a wedding or something. I don't shop

823
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:54,160
Speaker 3: for events because I've convinced myself that I'm.

824
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 4: Not going to find what I like. So I pre

825
00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:58,960
Speaker 4: shop for events.

826
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,480
Speaker 3: When I have money, I buy things that I absolutely

827
00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:04,360
Speaker 3: don't need and have no intention to wear, so that

828
00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:06,760
Speaker 3: when an event comes up, I'm ready.

829
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:09,359
Speaker 2: You're ready. So what's the last event that you did

830
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:12,120
Speaker 2: that for? Were you actually like war? Whatever you got?

831
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:17,600
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm going where I don't get home?

832
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:23,080
Speaker 4: Okay? So I mentioned that I got married.

833
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 3: Amongst COVID and my husband and I we went to

834
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,680
Speaker 3: Vegas to get married, and I had all the clothes

835
00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:32,960
Speaker 3: prepared because I shopped before the event, so mineus, my

836
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:36,799
Speaker 3: wedding dress, everything else was already hung up in my

837
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:37,920
Speaker 3: closet ready to go.

838
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:39,080
Speaker 4: I didn't have to shop.

839
00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:44,799
Speaker 2: Interesting, Okay, okay, okay, okay, I.

840
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,719
Speaker 4: Might have to take in the bag.

841
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:50,560
Speaker 3: Don't you feel such pressure, like when you have to

842
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 3: go through it was the all white party.

843
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:53,439
Speaker 4: You don't got nothing white.

844
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,240
Speaker 3: Then you can't find anything when it's time like nah,

845
00:40:56,400 --> 00:41:00,400
Speaker 3: shop putting the coins and then that way and it

846
00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:02,600
Speaker 3: still has tags on to see. It's still shopping in

847
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,319
Speaker 3: the sense of going through your closet as you.

848
00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:05,680
Speaker 4: Make your posisions good to wear.

849
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,920
Speaker 1: I like that. Okay, Allison, Well, we have had so

850
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:15,920
Speaker 1: much fun with you today and have learned so much.

851
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:19,919
Speaker 1: And so for all of our ladies out there who

852
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:24,320
Speaker 1: want to connect with you, where can they find you?

853
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 4: You can find me everywhere.

854
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:30,640
Speaker 3: I am on my website Aligned with Alison dot com,

855
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:34,359
Speaker 3: a l I G N with Alison dot com. Same

856
00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 3: thing on my Instagram at align with Alison, on my

857
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:41,560
Speaker 3: Twitter at Align with Alison, on my Facebook at Align

858
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:43,960
Speaker 3: with Alison, and on YouTube.

859
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:44,640
Speaker 4: I just started a.

860
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:47,880
Speaker 3: YouTube channel a few weeks ago at Align with Alison,

861
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:50,560
Speaker 3: and I have a weekly program which is a really

862
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:51,640
Speaker 3: cool program.

863
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:56,160
Speaker 4: So on YouTube. What I do is every Monday.

864
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:59,880
Speaker 3: At twelve Eastern, I choose a song from the two thousand,

865
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,920
Speaker 3: late nineties, early two thousands that has some kind of

866
00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:07,200
Speaker 3: toxic messaging and we analyze the lyrics of the song

867
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,640
Speaker 3: and then talk about why the messaging was toxic. So

868
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:13,600
Speaker 3: last week we did Donnelle Jones where I Want to

869
00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:15,759
Speaker 3: Be Oh, that song discussed me.

870
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:18,040
Speaker 4: I hate that song. Sam.

871
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 2: You know what's funny, I've heard of people doing that.

872
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,920
Speaker 2: Allison and I feel like a lot of songs that

873
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 2: we listened to and you sing them and you're like them.

874
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:25,480
Speaker 2: When you break down the lyrics, you're like, oh, so

875
00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:28,400
Speaker 2: what he was talking? Oh wait so this So that's okay,

876
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:30,000
Speaker 2: that that sounds good. We might have to show up

877
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:33,200
Speaker 2: for that next week in tune in Alison, that's dope, yep.

878
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,719
Speaker 3: And then this week, well, I guess yesterday was jay

879
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 3: Z's song cry.

880
00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 4: Oh, that's so problematic.

881
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:42,319
Speaker 3: The man said that he can't cry, so he has

882
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 3: to make the song cry, meaning writing the lyrics in

883
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:47,800
Speaker 3: an emotional way that's problematic or on its own that

884
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:50,759
Speaker 3: he feels that he does not have the capability or

885
00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:56,360
Speaker 3: cannot express his emotions through tears Girl YouTube dot com backslash.

886
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,840
Speaker 4: I'm with Howison. Yeah, thank you so much. Alison. This

887
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:01,000
Speaker 4: amazing lady.

888
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:04,919
Speaker 2: Make sure you go check Alison out and you will

889
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:09,400
Speaker 2: not be disappointed. Hey lady, it's Terry here from the

890
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:12,520
Speaker 2: her Space podcast and I have some exciting news for you.

891
00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:16,400
Speaker 2: I just published my self help book, How to Glow

892
00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:18,920
Speaker 2: Up as You Grow Up, your go to guide for

893
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:25,120
Speaker 2: overcoming obstacles and making lemonade. So if you've ever experienced loss, childhood, trauma,

894
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:29,560
Speaker 2: a narcissistic partner, or depression, this book is just for you.

895
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:33,880
Speaker 2: If you visit glowupbook dot com again, that's glow upbook

896
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:37,080
Speaker 2: dot com. You can order your copy today and you

897
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:40,000
Speaker 2: will surely be inspired. So I hope that you decide

898
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:42,399
Speaker 2: to join me on this journey and I'll see you soon.

899
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note

900
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:52,040
Speaker 1: that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

901
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:55,799
Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no

902
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:59,240
Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal

903
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:04,040
Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are

904
00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:07,000
Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care,

905
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:11,640
Speaker 1: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology Today,

906
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,080
Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider.

907
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

908
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:19,719
Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

909
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:24,720
Speaker 2: Twitter at her space podcast or check out our website

910
00:44:24,719 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

911
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:32,880
Speaker 2: after me. Although my plans may change, I will stay

912
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:34,280
Speaker 2: committed to my purpose.

913
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:36,760
Speaker 4: We'll see you next week, Lady