1 00:00:04,795 --> 00:00:21,835 Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. What 2 00:00:21,875 --> 00:00:24,275 Speaker 1: the President should say in the State of the Union 3 00:00:24,355 --> 00:00:28,355 Speaker 1: Address tonight is to declare, simply and directly that of 4 00:00:28,395 --> 00:00:31,155 Speaker 1: all the threats to the United States of America, the 5 00:00:31,235 --> 00:00:36,275 Speaker 1: greatest of these is Donald John Trump. And thus tonight 6 00:00:36,395 --> 00:00:41,315 Speaker 1: I am declaring the Biden doctrine. And in summation, my 7 00:00:41,355 --> 00:00:45,755 Speaker 1: fellow Americans, the Biden doctrine is this, we must save 8 00:00:46,035 --> 00:00:50,715 Speaker 1: our country from madness, and save our country from vengeance 9 00:00:51,035 --> 00:00:55,195 Speaker 1: and from hate, and from racism and from dictatorship. And 10 00:00:55,395 --> 00:01:00,115 Speaker 1: to save our country from these evils, we must metaphorically 11 00:01:00,555 --> 00:01:08,315 Speaker 1: kick the ever loving shit out of Donald Trump. Instead. 12 00:01:08,875 --> 00:01:10,995 Speaker 1: What I think they are dreaming of at the White 13 00:01:10,995 --> 00:01:15,755 Speaker 1: House is this house. Sergeant at Arms William McFarlane says, 14 00:01:15,915 --> 00:01:20,835 Speaker 1: mister speaker, the President of the United States. And all 15 00:01:21,035 --> 00:01:25,315 Speaker 1: President Biden has to do then is cartwheel down the 16 00:01:25,475 --> 00:01:30,115 Speaker 1: aisle while stopping to take selfies and finish Erubik's Cube 17 00:01:30,115 --> 00:01:32,955 Speaker 1: in under thirty seconds, and then deliver the State of 18 00:01:32,995 --> 00:01:36,795 Speaker 1: the Union while on a unicycle and while singing all 19 00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:40,755 Speaker 1: four verses of the Star Spangled Banner while simultaneously whistling 20 00:01:40,795 --> 00:01:44,475 Speaker 1: it through his ear lobes, and then this nonsense will 21 00:01:44,515 --> 00:01:47,555 Speaker 1: be at an end forever and the election can be 22 00:01:47,635 --> 00:01:56,835 Speaker 1: decided on what actually matters. Sadly, that wouldn't be enough. Honestly, 23 00:01:57,475 --> 00:02:02,275 Speaker 1: that wouldn't do it, because Fox News would edit that, 24 00:02:03,075 --> 00:02:06,235 Speaker 1: and Kristen Welker would say he only allegedly rode the 25 00:02:06,355 --> 00:02:10,555 Speaker 1: unicycle for fifty eight minutes, and Maureen Dowd would complain 26 00:02:10,635 --> 00:02:13,955 Speaker 1: he was singing out of key, and some special interest 27 00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:17,555 Speaker 1: group on the left whose compatriots Trump wants to imprison 28 00:02:17,675 --> 00:02:21,995 Speaker 1: or deport or kill would complain Biden didn't whistle somebody 29 00:02:21,995 --> 00:02:27,435 Speaker 1: else's anthem. I get the desire on the Biden White 30 00:02:27,435 --> 00:02:30,835 Speaker 1: House team, and the Biden policy team, and the Biden 31 00:02:30,915 --> 00:02:34,635 Speaker 1: Comms team, and especially the Biden campaign team for a 32 00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:39,955 Speaker 1: home run that will reset this nonsense. And perhaps there 33 00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:42,675 Speaker 1: is a home run to be hit if you look 34 00:02:42,715 --> 00:02:47,195 Speaker 1: at it in narrow focus, as in what he could 35 00:02:47,275 --> 00:02:52,035 Speaker 1: do by reassuring those marginally invested likely voters that he 36 00:02:52,075 --> 00:02:54,475 Speaker 1: didn't take a nap during the State of the Union. 37 00:02:56,115 --> 00:02:58,875 Speaker 1: But everything I have heard them say, even what they 38 00:02:58,915 --> 00:03:02,395 Speaker 1: put out on social media last night, about stating what 39 00:03:02,635 --> 00:03:05,995 Speaker 1: he's done, what he's going to do, and hitting infrastructure 40 00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:08,915 Speaker 1: and abolishing junk fees and fewer guns and fewer tax 41 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:12,035 Speaker 1: breaks for the wealthy, and protecting women's rights to choose 42 00:03:12,195 --> 00:03:15,315 Speaker 1: and lowering student debt and drug prices and healthcare and 43 00:03:15,355 --> 00:03:19,195 Speaker 1: the leak to Politico about taking Trump's vendetta against Obamacare 44 00:03:19,315 --> 00:03:21,635 Speaker 1: and shoving it down his throat every day until the election. 45 00:03:21,915 --> 00:03:24,515 Speaker 1: It's all great, it's all true, it's all real, it's 46 00:03:24,515 --> 00:03:28,075 Speaker 1: all important. But it's designed for a major event in 47 00:03:28,115 --> 00:03:30,755 Speaker 1: the life of the nation called the State of the Union, 48 00:03:31,035 --> 00:03:38,635 Speaker 1: a major event that doesn't exist anymore. Fifty three million 49 00:03:38,715 --> 00:03:42,435 Speaker 1: people watched the first one of these I ever anchored. 50 00:03:42,595 --> 00:03:48,275 Speaker 1: Fifty three million people watched Bill Clinton's tension filled post 51 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:52,475 Speaker 1: Lewinski State of the Union in nineteen ninety eight. Fifty 52 00:03:52,475 --> 00:03:57,435 Speaker 1: three million people was twenty percent of the population two 53 00:03:57,435 --> 00:04:01,515 Speaker 1: months before he pointlessly invaded Iraq, just sixteen months after 54 00:04:01,595 --> 00:04:04,915 Speaker 1: nine to eleven. Sixty two million watched George W. Bush 55 00:04:04,915 --> 00:04:07,475 Speaker 1: in two thousand and three, even as then Vice President 56 00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:10,715 Speaker 1: Biden sat behind President Obama. In two thousand and nine, 57 00:04:10,755 --> 00:04:14,235 Speaker 1: it was fifty two million, and even in twenty twenty two, 58 00:04:14,275 --> 00:04:17,155 Speaker 1: Biden's first official State of the Union, it was thirty 59 00:04:17,195 --> 00:04:20,955 Speaker 1: eight million, and last year it was twenty seven million, 60 00:04:21,475 --> 00:04:24,595 Speaker 1: and three quarters of them were fifty five years or older. 61 00:04:25,235 --> 00:04:30,155 Speaker 1: And good luck finding the streaming number. How many people 62 00:04:30,195 --> 00:04:34,235 Speaker 1: watched it online? The number that they never bothered to announce, 63 00:04:34,555 --> 00:04:39,195 Speaker 1: And what if it was twenty four million, which it wasn't, 64 00:04:40,075 --> 00:04:41,955 Speaker 1: combine that with the TV audience, it would still be 65 00:04:42,035 --> 00:04:43,755 Speaker 1: less than Obama in two thousand and nine, in a 66 00:04:43,795 --> 00:04:46,715 Speaker 1: country that is now ten percent larger. We don't do 67 00:04:46,955 --> 00:04:52,995 Speaker 1: speeches anymore. We don't listen to them anyway. The premise 68 00:04:53,115 --> 00:04:58,475 Speaker 1: is is brevity and reality and informality and viral moments 69 00:04:58,475 --> 00:05:01,355 Speaker 1: and anything but a speech. And even if you're good 70 00:05:01,395 --> 00:05:04,275 Speaker 1: at it, sometimes great at it, as Obama was. Even 71 00:05:04,315 --> 00:05:09,955 Speaker 1: his dience declined every year, and I get it every year. 72 00:05:10,155 --> 00:05:13,555 Speaker 1: We have twice as many ways to spend that one 73 00:05:13,755 --> 00:05:22,835 Speaker 1: winter hour. But we don't do speech listening anymore, which 74 00:05:22,875 --> 00:05:24,995 Speaker 1: puts the president in a no win because if he 75 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:27,715 Speaker 1: did what the times really demand that he should do, 76 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:32,275 Speaker 1: cut it to twenty minutes plus some multimedia and a 77 00:05:32,355 --> 00:05:36,195 Speaker 1: red carpet outside and halftime and a band and seth 78 00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:40,355 Speaker 1: Meyers and ice cream and lasers. This would guarantee that 79 00:05:40,395 --> 00:05:43,155 Speaker 1: the same dim witted media that reports the TV audience 80 00:05:43,195 --> 00:05:45,075 Speaker 1: but never even bothers to try to find the streaming 81 00:05:45,155 --> 00:05:47,675 Speaker 1: number would come back and say it couldn't even give 82 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:49,315 Speaker 1: a real State of the Union. I mean, what was 83 00:05:49,395 --> 00:05:53,675 Speaker 1: up with those lasers? Though Taylor's swift at halftime that 84 00:05:53,755 --> 00:05:55,835 Speaker 1: was genius. Maybe we should put her on the ticket. 85 00:05:58,635 --> 00:06:03,635 Speaker 1: So tonight Joe Biden must run through this antique gauntlet 86 00:06:04,115 --> 00:06:07,875 Speaker 1: in which he us prove that he is vibrant and 87 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,515 Speaker 1: clear and sharp and of the moment and with it 88 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,675 Speaker 1: and entirely of the twenty first century by giving a 89 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:19,355 Speaker 1: speech the idea of which isn't vibrant or clear or sharp, 90 00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:21,835 Speaker 1: or of the moment, or with it, or of the 91 00:06:21,875 --> 00:06:25,115 Speaker 1: twenty first century. Prove to us you can be president 92 00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:28,515 Speaker 1: through the year twenty twenty nine by doing something that 93 00:06:28,635 --> 00:06:35,755 Speaker 1: began to go out of dat in in nineteen eighty nine. 94 00:06:36,155 --> 00:06:40,435 Speaker 1: I mean, what are we expecting here? FDR introduced the 95 00:06:40,515 --> 00:06:43,395 Speaker 1: Four Freedoms in the State of the Union in nineteen 96 00:06:43,475 --> 00:06:47,635 Speaker 1: forty one. The Monroe doctrine was first presented in the 97 00:06:47,635 --> 00:06:51,875 Speaker 1: State of the Union Lyndon Johnson's War on Poverty and 98 00:06:52,715 --> 00:06:56,195 Speaker 1: forget for a moment the falsity of it. Bush gave 99 00:06:56,275 --> 00:06:58,515 Speaker 1: us the axis of evil in the State of the Union. 100 00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:02,515 Speaker 1: If President Biden has something like that, run with it. 101 00:07:03,235 --> 00:07:07,355 Speaker 1: Give me the axis of price gougers, give me the 102 00:07:07,395 --> 00:07:13,035 Speaker 1: four new freedoms. Go meta, do the Nancy Pelosi, tear 103 00:07:13,235 --> 00:07:18,955 Speaker 1: up your own speech and win it. The problem ultimately 104 00:07:19,115 --> 00:07:23,115 Speaker 1: is this, Joe Biden can give the greatest State of 105 00:07:23,155 --> 00:07:27,115 Speaker 1: the Union of all time, and the right wing will 106 00:07:27,115 --> 00:07:30,875 Speaker 1: still say he stumbled through it, and the supposedly neutral 107 00:07:30,915 --> 00:07:34,155 Speaker 1: news industry will still look for the stupidest shiny object 108 00:07:34,235 --> 00:07:38,075 Speaker 1: they can find and ignore the substance. And somebody, somebody 109 00:07:38,395 --> 00:07:41,195 Speaker 1: is at this moment already on the way to a 110 00:07:41,235 --> 00:07:47,075 Speaker 1: TV studio somewhere to do that body language analysis crap 111 00:07:47,275 --> 00:07:54,515 Speaker 1: on how Joe Biden looked, And even then failure or success, 112 00:07:55,435 --> 00:07:58,915 Speaker 1: good grades from the body language lady or bad ones, 113 00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:03,315 Speaker 1: it won't really matter, because this isn't eighteen twenty three 114 00:08:03,835 --> 00:08:06,675 Speaker 1: or nineteen four forty one or even nineteen ninety eight. 115 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,755 Speaker 1: One of the sharper guys at five point thirty eight, 116 00:08:10,955 --> 00:08:16,155 Speaker 1: named Nathaniel Raikisch matched the States of the Union addresses 117 00:08:16,795 --> 00:08:19,755 Speaker 1: and the state of the approval ratings of the presidents 118 00:08:19,755 --> 00:08:23,275 Speaker 1: who gave them, and since nineteen seventy eight, over the 119 00:08:23,395 --> 00:08:28,315 Speaker 1: last forty six of these, the average impact on presidential approval, 120 00:08:28,355 --> 00:08:30,715 Speaker 1: the average value of a good state of the Union 121 00:08:30,795 --> 00:08:33,915 Speaker 1: to a president, or the average punishment for a bad 122 00:08:33,995 --> 00:08:38,795 Speaker 1: state of the Union, has been just under two percent. 123 00:08:41,115 --> 00:08:44,875 Speaker 1: The most Joe Biden can realistically hope for is his 124 00:08:44,955 --> 00:08:50,435 Speaker 1: approval number goes up one point nine percent tomorrow or 125 00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:55,835 Speaker 1: it drops less than one point nine percent. Obama went 126 00:08:55,915 --> 00:08:57,955 Speaker 1: up two point six percent after a good one in 127 00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:00,915 Speaker 1: twenty twelve. That's the only time in twenty years that 128 00:09:00,955 --> 00:09:03,675 Speaker 1: anybody's approval went up more than two point one percent, 129 00:09:04,035 --> 00:09:06,635 Speaker 1: the only time since nineteen seventy eight these things have 130 00:09:06,675 --> 00:09:12,435 Speaker 1: actually mattered. Yes, it was the Bill Clinton speech, literally 131 00:09:12,515 --> 00:09:16,555 Speaker 1: ten days after the Lewinsky scandal was launched by the Republicans. 132 00:09:16,755 --> 00:09:21,675 Speaker 1: Clinton came out firing and confident and just pissed off enough, 133 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:27,555 Speaker 1: and his approval the next day went up ten points. 134 00:09:30,595 --> 00:09:35,715 Speaker 1: I mean, if you want that, President Biden, I do 135 00:09:35,795 --> 00:09:40,355 Speaker 1: have it for you. You want to convert what is 136 00:09:40,395 --> 00:09:43,475 Speaker 1: seen inside the White House as the last chance for 137 00:09:43,555 --> 00:09:47,355 Speaker 1: a total reset. You want the home run, the game changer. 138 00:09:48,115 --> 00:09:50,515 Speaker 1: If you really do think this is your last chance 139 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:57,955 Speaker 1: to fundamentally reset the race. Then gimme the Biden doctrine. 140 00:09:58,235 --> 00:10:00,755 Speaker 1: The Biden doctrine has to be about the greatest threat 141 00:10:00,755 --> 00:10:03,435 Speaker 1: facing this nation. What is the greatest threat to this nation? 142 00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:07,475 Speaker 1: It's Trump. It's Trump cult, It's Trump's madness, It's Trump's racism, 143 00:10:07,595 --> 00:10:10,795 Speaker 1: It's Trump's desire to be a dictator. It's Trump's next coup. 144 00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:15,675 Speaker 1: Do it. If they ever build statues to President Joseph 145 00:10:15,795 --> 00:10:20,515 Speaker 1: Robinette Biden Junior, it will be for saving this nation 146 00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:29,315 Speaker 1: from Donald Trump twice. There is no reason to back 147 00:10:29,355 --> 00:10:36,635 Speaker 1: away from this, the easiest to understand presidential accomplishment in decades. 148 00:10:37,475 --> 00:10:40,675 Speaker 1: There is no reason to hide from what even President 149 00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:43,835 Speaker 1: Biden says is the reason he is running again to 150 00:10:44,075 --> 00:10:48,035 Speaker 1: stop Trump and save representative government in the United States 151 00:10:48,075 --> 00:10:52,435 Speaker 1: of America. Pound the son of a bitch into the 152 00:10:52,475 --> 00:10:55,955 Speaker 1: ground like you did at Independence Hall in September of 153 00:10:55,995 --> 00:11:01,355 Speaker 1: twenty two. You're worried it's too political to be the 154 00:11:01,355 --> 00:11:05,155 Speaker 1: State of the Union. Do you think the reaction to 155 00:11:05,195 --> 00:11:09,395 Speaker 1: the State of the Union is not political? Do you 156 00:11:09,555 --> 00:11:13,675 Speaker 1: think that half witted Republican James Comer trotting out the 157 00:11:13,755 --> 00:11:17,875 Speaker 1: corrupt Special counsel Robert Hurr to testify about your age 158 00:11:17,915 --> 00:11:20,475 Speaker 1: and your memory next Monday. You think that isn't political. 159 00:11:21,315 --> 00:11:25,075 Speaker 1: You think Congressman Joe Wilson yelling you lie at Obama 160 00:11:25,195 --> 00:11:28,875 Speaker 1: during his September speech to Congress in nine wasn't political. 161 00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:34,555 Speaker 1: You think Marjorie Taylor Green wearing a cheap horseshoes stole 162 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:37,075 Speaker 1: that looked like they had awarded it to her for 163 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:40,755 Speaker 1: finishing third in the Kentucky Derby yelling liar at you 164 00:11:40,875 --> 00:11:45,315 Speaker 1: last year. You think that wasn't political? Shoot the works. 165 00:11:46,075 --> 00:11:49,235 Speaker 1: Make some reference to Green showing those pictures of your son, 166 00:11:50,075 --> 00:11:52,955 Speaker 1: and your approval rating will jump five points just for that. 167 00:11:54,675 --> 00:11:58,195 Speaker 1: It's not like the Republicans do anything but politics. It's 168 00:11:58,235 --> 00:12:01,315 Speaker 1: not like they will not do politics in the response, 169 00:12:01,395 --> 00:12:04,115 Speaker 1: no matter what you say or do or how well 170 00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:07,755 Speaker 1: you do it. And most importantly, it's not like Trump 171 00:12:07,835 --> 00:12:13,035 Speaker 1: is not the biggest threat to America. Good evening, my 172 00:12:13,115 --> 00:12:16,435 Speaker 1: fellow Americans. The state of the Union is pretty good, 173 00:12:17,035 --> 00:12:25,915 Speaker 1: getting better, accept reaches under lectern Accept for this guy 174 00:12:27,235 --> 00:12:32,195 Speaker 1: spits into picture of Trump's face. We will prosper, we 175 00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:36,195 Speaker 1: will prevail, we will grow, we will solve the Middle 176 00:12:36,195 --> 00:12:41,155 Speaker 1: East and guarantee Ukraine and the women's right to choose 177 00:12:42,075 --> 00:12:45,875 Speaker 1: and lower drug prices, and we will complete our pursuit 178 00:12:45,955 --> 00:12:50,915 Speaker 1: of happiness. But first we must stop reaches into pocket 179 00:12:51,115 --> 00:12:55,315 Speaker 1: for a lighter sets picture of Trump a blaze. We 180 00:12:55,395 --> 00:12:59,355 Speaker 1: must stop this guy. And when I say stop, my 181 00:12:59,435 --> 00:13:04,155 Speaker 1: fellow Americans, I mean metaphorically, we must kick the ever 182 00:13:04,275 --> 00:13:10,995 Speaker 1: loving shit out of Donald Trump. Thank you, God, bless you, God, 183 00:13:11,035 --> 00:13:15,795 Speaker 1: bless our troops, God bless America. And please stay tuned 184 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:19,115 Speaker 1: for Keith Alderman's State of the Union postgame show live 185 00:13:19,235 --> 00:13:26,435 Speaker 1: on YouTube and Twitch. Leave out the plug and just 186 00:13:26,635 --> 00:13:30,195 Speaker 1: steal somebody else's State of the Union that seems applicable 187 00:13:30,275 --> 00:13:34,235 Speaker 1: to the current day. The dogmas of the client past 188 00:13:34,395 --> 00:13:37,955 Speaker 1: are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled 189 00:13:38,035 --> 00:13:41,195 Speaker 1: high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. 190 00:13:42,035 --> 00:13:45,275 Speaker 1: As our case is new, so we must think a 191 00:13:45,355 --> 00:13:51,275 Speaker 1: new and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then 192 00:13:51,315 --> 00:13:56,875 Speaker 1: we shall save our country from Trump. Fellow citizens, we 193 00:13:56,875 --> 00:14:01,155 Speaker 1: cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration 194 00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:06,915 Speaker 1: will be remembered in spite of ourselves. Significance or insignificance. 195 00:14:07,355 --> 00:14:11,755 Speaker 1: Can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial 196 00:14:11,795 --> 00:14:15,475 Speaker 1: through which we pass will light us down in honor 197 00:14:16,035 --> 00:14:20,955 Speaker 1: or dishonor to the latest generation. We say we are 198 00:14:21,035 --> 00:14:24,755 Speaker 1: for the Union. The world will not forget that we 199 00:14:24,835 --> 00:14:29,315 Speaker 1: say this. We know how to save the Union. The 200 00:14:29,355 --> 00:14:32,715 Speaker 1: world knows we do know how to save it. We 201 00:14:32,875 --> 00:14:39,835 Speaker 1: shall nobly save or meanly lose the last best hope 202 00:14:40,475 --> 00:14:46,275 Speaker 1: of Earth. And then Joe Biden does the cartwheels off 203 00:14:46,275 --> 00:14:48,115 Speaker 1: the stage and up the aisle, and he just accidentally 204 00:14:48,195 --> 00:14:50,035 Speaker 1: kicks Marge Green in the head on the way out, 205 00:14:50,115 --> 00:14:53,715 Speaker 1: and the Republican response would then just be Alabama's bubble 206 00:14:53,755 --> 00:14:56,595 Speaker 1: headed Senator Katie Britt sitting there with her mouth hanging 207 00:14:56,635 --> 00:15:00,755 Speaker 1: open for about eight minutes. His approval ratings would jump 208 00:15:00,795 --> 00:15:05,035 Speaker 1: to fifty four. Use the one I wrote, use the 209 00:15:05,115 --> 00:15:11,835 Speaker 1: run abe Lincoln wrote, doesn't matter. This will not happen. Sadly, 210 00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:19,155 Speaker 1: but he has got to give one of those speeches, 211 00:15:20,115 --> 00:15:25,835 Speaker 1: probably both of those speeches, sometime and soon. He's got 212 00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:30,355 Speaker 1: to offer this country a choice, Joe Biden or the 213 00:15:30,395 --> 00:15:34,875 Speaker 1: bottomless pit. He's got to read that pulling. I mentioned 214 00:15:34,955 --> 00:15:37,835 Speaker 1: yesterday that of the swing voters in the Swing States, 215 00:15:37,875 --> 00:15:41,715 Speaker 1: only thirty one percent have heard all of the vile 216 00:15:41,955 --> 00:15:47,035 Speaker 1: anti American atrocities coming out of Trump's mouth about concentration 217 00:15:47,195 --> 00:15:54,875 Speaker 1: camps and dictatorships and vermin and Trump and his rapidly 218 00:15:54,915 --> 00:15:58,995 Speaker 1: forming SS are handing Joe Biden new material every day. 219 00:15:59,355 --> 00:16:02,315 Speaker 1: Every day. The State of the Union address could be 220 00:16:02,355 --> 00:16:06,195 Speaker 1: made up entirely of reactions to things Republican said yesterday. 221 00:16:07,115 --> 00:16:15,315 Speaker 1: Last night, this bizarre speaker of the House, this strange 222 00:16:16,035 --> 00:16:20,595 Speaker 1: man who seems to come from the proverbial town full 223 00:16:20,635 --> 00:16:27,915 Speaker 1: of secrets, Mike Johnson, he boasted about defunding the police. 224 00:16:28,235 --> 00:16:31,275 Speaker 1: We're going to cut three percent from DOJ, seven percent 225 00:16:31,275 --> 00:16:35,675 Speaker 1: from the ATF, six percent from the FBI. Nancy Mace 226 00:16:35,715 --> 00:16:37,995 Speaker 1: then followed up with a crack about how suddenly Joe 227 00:16:38,035 --> 00:16:41,915 Speaker 1: Biden thinks defending the police is a bad thing, and 228 00:16:41,955 --> 00:16:44,675 Speaker 1: of course she was too stupid to realize that she 229 00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:47,595 Speaker 1: had just confirmed it. She and her party and Trump 230 00:16:47,635 --> 00:16:50,515 Speaker 1: therefore must think defunding the police is a good thing. 231 00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:53,755 Speaker 1: Put that in the State in the Union. And Ran 232 00:16:53,875 --> 00:16:56,555 Speaker 1: Paul said yesterday we have to talk about cutting Social 233 00:16:56,555 --> 00:16:59,955 Speaker 1: Security and Medicare and all the other entitlements. Put that 234 00:17:00,035 --> 00:17:03,115 Speaker 1: in the State of the Union. Mention this wig and 235 00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:07,835 Speaker 1: I'll give you a fifty bucks. And then the Ava 236 00:17:07,995 --> 00:17:14,395 Speaker 1: Braun of Upstate New York, Eleast Stefanic handed the campaign 237 00:17:14,915 --> 00:17:18,755 Speaker 1: another ad or you another five minutes. In the State 238 00:17:18,795 --> 00:17:19,595 Speaker 1: of the Union, As. 239 00:17:19,555 --> 00:17:23,275 Speaker 2: Ronald Reagan famously asked us, are you better off today 240 00:17:23,435 --> 00:17:26,955 Speaker 2: than you were four years ago? The answer, for hard 241 00:17:26,995 --> 00:17:30,715 Speaker 2: working Americans across the country is a resounding no. 242 00:17:31,155 --> 00:17:35,915 Speaker 1: Let's see she said this yesterday, March six. So four 243 00:17:35,995 --> 00:17:38,195 Speaker 1: years ago is March six, twenty twenty. And what was 244 00:17:38,235 --> 00:17:41,795 Speaker 1: happening on March six, twenty twenty, Well, that was the 245 00:17:41,835 --> 00:17:44,635 Speaker 1: day Trump would not let the first American COVID victims 246 00:17:44,635 --> 00:17:48,715 Speaker 1: off the Grand Princess Cruise ship because I like the 247 00:17:48,715 --> 00:17:52,075 Speaker 1: coronavirus numbers being where they are. I don't need to 248 00:17:52,115 --> 00:17:56,835 Speaker 1: have the numbers double because of one ship. And four 249 00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:59,115 Speaker 1: years ago, at this time, Trump was telling Bob Woodward 250 00:17:59,115 --> 00:18:02,795 Speaker 1: in a recorded phone call that COVID was actually deadly 251 00:18:03,075 --> 00:18:07,035 Speaker 1: and it was transmitted not surface to surface but by air, 252 00:18:07,195 --> 00:18:10,035 Speaker 1: and that he was lying to the American public about it. 253 00:18:10,475 --> 00:18:14,555 Speaker 1: And then Trump's lies and policies and cronies and suggestions 254 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:17,355 Speaker 1: that we eat light bulbs and drink bleach. Those things 255 00:18:17,355 --> 00:18:20,475 Speaker 1: have combined to kill one million, two hundred and seventeen 256 00:18:20,515 --> 00:18:25,195 Speaker 1: thousand Americans four years ago today, well, it's true the 257 00:18:25,235 --> 00:18:28,075 Speaker 1: ones he killed, that was a better day than it 258 00:18:28,115 --> 00:18:31,955 Speaker 1: is now. Put that in the State of the Union, 259 00:18:31,995 --> 00:18:36,155 Speaker 1: mister President, because when we use the phrase life or 260 00:18:36,235 --> 00:18:38,995 Speaker 1: death about keeping Trump out of power, it is not 261 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:44,275 Speaker 1: a metaphor, mister President, it is reality. Because Donald Trump 262 00:18:44,555 --> 00:18:52,835 Speaker 1: is death, and my fellow Americans, Joe Biden should conclude. 263 00:18:52,915 --> 00:18:56,955 Speaker 1: The Biden doctrine is this, we must save our country, 264 00:18:57,675 --> 00:19:03,155 Speaker 1: and to save our country, we must metaphorically kick the 265 00:19:03,275 --> 00:19:15,075 Speaker 1: ever loving shit out of Donald Trump. Whatever. I will 266 00:19:15,115 --> 00:19:17,715 Speaker 1: be live on YouTube and Twitch a live video Countdown 267 00:19:17,755 --> 00:19:20,275 Speaker 1: podcast right after the State of the Union President starts 268 00:19:20,275 --> 00:19:23,595 Speaker 1: at about nine. I expect to start about ten. If 269 00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:26,595 Speaker 1: he gives the Biden doctrine speech, we will only be 270 00:19:26,755 --> 00:19:30,475 Speaker 1: live for about two minutes because about two minutes of 271 00:19:30,515 --> 00:19:34,715 Speaker 1: me gut laughing and dancing around our custom built studio 272 00:19:34,755 --> 00:19:41,755 Speaker 1: at iHeart Headquarters is about all anybody could take right now. 273 00:19:41,835 --> 00:19:44,275 Speaker 1: Also of interest, here in an all new edition of Countdown, 274 00:19:44,275 --> 00:19:47,075 Speaker 1: the bad news about Elon Musk. He's got something going 275 00:19:47,115 --> 00:19:49,635 Speaker 1: with Trump's campaign, and he's trying to keep it a secret. 276 00:19:50,195 --> 00:19:54,475 Speaker 1: The good news is he just campaigned against the district 277 00:19:54,475 --> 00:19:58,235 Speaker 1: attorney in Austin, Texas in the primary there and the 278 00:19:58,235 --> 00:20:05,675 Speaker 1: district attorney in Austin, Texas one three to one. That's next. 279 00:20:05,915 --> 00:20:32,595 Speaker 1: This is Countdown. This is Countdown with Keith Olberman still 280 00:20:32,635 --> 00:20:34,835 Speaker 1: ahead of us on this all new edition of Countdown 281 00:20:34,955 --> 00:20:40,755 Speaker 1: Fridays with Thurber. Wait, I hear you saying it's not Friday, 282 00:20:41,075 --> 00:20:47,555 Speaker 1: is it? No, it is not Friday. Congratulations, but virtually 283 00:20:47,595 --> 00:20:50,955 Speaker 1: all of tomorrow's podcast will be devoted to the state 284 00:20:50,955 --> 00:20:55,475 Speaker 1: of the Union coverage. And I have a new one 285 00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:57,835 Speaker 1: that I have not read you before from the annals 286 00:20:57,875 --> 00:21:00,155 Speaker 1: of Thurber. From my life and hard times the car 287 00:21:00,235 --> 00:21:04,475 Speaker 1: we had to push a delightful and meant to be 288 00:21:04,475 --> 00:21:09,995 Speaker 1: read a loud story Fridays with Thurber on Thursday. Next. First, Yes, 289 00:21:10,155 --> 00:21:13,555 Speaker 1: still more idiots to talk about. The daily roundup of 290 00:21:13,595 --> 00:21:17,275 Speaker 1: the miscrants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects specimens who constitute 291 00:21:17,315 --> 00:21:23,435 Speaker 1: two days host persons in the world, the brons, worse 292 00:21:23,595 --> 00:21:27,595 Speaker 1: Bill Hemmer who thinks he is a newscaster. Bill Hemmer 293 00:21:27,675 --> 00:21:31,595 Speaker 1: is on Fox. He's a propaganda whore, and he's also 294 00:21:32,715 --> 00:21:35,635 Speaker 1: one of the five dumbest people i've met in forty 295 00:21:35,675 --> 00:21:39,515 Speaker 1: eight years in media. I mean it's CNN. When we 296 00:21:39,555 --> 00:21:41,955 Speaker 1: worked there at the same time, the makeup artist used 297 00:21:41,955 --> 00:21:44,715 Speaker 1: to joke after he'd left the room that she was 298 00:21:44,795 --> 00:21:49,835 Speaker 1: surprised every day that he remembered where the CNN studio was. 299 00:21:50,755 --> 00:21:53,835 Speaker 1: How the other day he decided to take a rare 300 00:21:54,035 --> 00:21:57,195 Speaker 1: editorial stance he usually only takes about an hour's worth 301 00:21:57,195 --> 00:22:01,875 Speaker 1: of editorial stances every day, to blast MSNBC and CNN 302 00:22:02,395 --> 00:22:05,835 Speaker 1: for having cut away from Trump's victory speed after his 303 00:22:05,955 --> 00:22:10,155 Speaker 1: wins in the primaries. Over like, it's a guy's name, 304 00:22:11,515 --> 00:22:17,795 Speaker 1: Ronda something and Ryan Binkley, one of our competitors, took 305 00:22:17,835 --> 00:22:21,995 Speaker 1: four minutes another ten Hammer said that's what you're gonna do. 306 00:22:22,115 --> 00:22:25,395 Speaker 1: Take news out of your name. First of all, he 307 00:22:25,435 --> 00:22:28,915 Speaker 1: means MSNBC, which does not have the word news in 308 00:22:28,995 --> 00:22:32,355 Speaker 1: its name. The end stands for national if it stands 309 00:22:32,355 --> 00:22:35,715 Speaker 1: for anything. And CNN, which years ago changed its name 310 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:39,075 Speaker 1: from Cable News Network to just CNN, So yeah, what 311 00:22:39,115 --> 00:22:44,635 Speaker 1: does CNN stand for? CNN stands for nothing. Secondly, dude, 312 00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:49,795 Speaker 1: one of our competitors, you're a whorehouse for Trump and 313 00:22:49,875 --> 00:22:55,235 Speaker 1: for fascism. The competitors for Fox News were Goebbels TV 314 00:22:56,035 --> 00:23:02,955 Speaker 1: and Radio Adazioni Italiana in the nineteen thirties. Lastly, as 315 00:23:02,995 --> 00:23:05,315 Speaker 1: Media Matters points out, on February twenty third and then 316 00:23:05,355 --> 00:23:08,515 Speaker 1: February twenty ninth, Fox, at the direction of anchor and 317 00:23:08,635 --> 00:23:12,995 Speaker 1: Vice president Neil Cavudo, cut away from Trump's ill douche 318 00:23:13,235 --> 00:23:17,755 Speaker 1: victory speeches. So, Billy, if you really mean this, if 319 00:23:17,755 --> 00:23:20,915 Speaker 1: you really know what it means, go tell Neil Cavudo 320 00:23:21,475 --> 00:23:25,475 Speaker 1: to take the word news out of Fox News's name. 321 00:23:26,075 --> 00:23:28,435 Speaker 1: I mean, that would be an actual public service. Emmer 322 00:23:29,795 --> 00:23:34,035 Speaker 1: the runner up worser Politico and NBC and CBS and 323 00:23:34,395 --> 00:23:39,515 Speaker 1: everybody else who did a big feature yesterday on Jason Palmer. 324 00:23:40,595 --> 00:23:45,275 Speaker 1: Jason Palmer, the man who unexpectedly upset Joe Biden in 325 00:23:45,315 --> 00:23:50,115 Speaker 1: a Democratic primary. Now, Nikki Haley beat Donald Trump in 326 00:23:50,475 --> 00:23:55,435 Speaker 1: two primaries, and as a total, at least a third 327 00:23:55,515 --> 00:23:58,755 Speaker 1: of all Republicans voted against Trump in all the primaries 328 00:23:58,795 --> 00:24:02,115 Speaker 1: so far, and the media is treating that like no biggie, 329 00:24:02,515 --> 00:24:05,915 Speaker 1: as if one third of all Republicans not voting for 330 00:24:05,995 --> 00:24:08,955 Speaker 1: him in the general would not mean a Biden landslide, 331 00:24:08,995 --> 00:24:11,395 Speaker 1: maybe one sixth not voting for Trump would meet a 332 00:24:11,435 --> 00:24:16,755 Speaker 1: Biden landslide. But Jason Palmer was a big deal because 333 00:24:16,795 --> 00:24:19,555 Speaker 1: he gained the system and he did zoom calls from 334 00:24:19,555 --> 00:24:23,515 Speaker 1: his home in Maryland to the voters who were participating 335 00:24:23,515 --> 00:24:30,035 Speaker 1: in the primary in American Samoa, and Jason Palmer won 336 00:24:30,435 --> 00:24:36,795 Speaker 1: the American Samoa primary. He won the three delegates, and 337 00:24:36,995 --> 00:24:40,395 Speaker 1: there are effing features on him at Politico and The 338 00:24:40,435 --> 00:24:43,395 Speaker 1: New York Times and the Associated Press and Forbes. A 339 00:24:43,515 --> 00:24:47,795 Speaker 1: Google News search produces sixty eight thousand, seven hundred stories 340 00:24:47,795 --> 00:24:53,435 Speaker 1: about Jason Freakin Palmer. He won by fifty one to 341 00:24:53,475 --> 00:24:59,075 Speaker 1: thirty nine not fifty one percent to thirty nine percent. 342 00:24:59,475 --> 00:25:04,555 Speaker 1: Jason Palmer got fifty one votes and sixty eight thousands, 343 00:25:04,715 --> 00:25:08,795 Speaker 1: seven hundred stories about it. I have always said this, 344 00:25:09,275 --> 00:25:14,115 Speaker 1: I truly believe it. My success in political news and commentary, 345 00:25:14,555 --> 00:25:18,035 Speaker 1: starting with my fourth month in the business in the 346 00:25:18,155 --> 00:25:21,315 Speaker 1: Year of Our Lord nineteen hundred and ninety eight owed 347 00:25:21,675 --> 00:25:26,955 Speaker 1: principally to how much everybody else in this business sucks. 348 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:35,675 Speaker 1: Fifty one votes, but our winner the worst. Elon Musk. 349 00:25:36,155 --> 00:25:38,355 Speaker 1: It's hard to say what's wrong with Elon Musk, but 350 00:25:38,395 --> 00:25:40,755 Speaker 1: there's always the chance it's going to leave him without 351 00:25:40,795 --> 00:25:44,195 Speaker 1: the ability to speak, or type or communicate in any way. 352 00:25:45,035 --> 00:25:49,275 Speaker 1: A delusional right wing conspiracy theory not named Rugg with 353 00:25:49,475 --> 00:25:53,635 Speaker 1: two g's posted a fabricated story about secret flights of 354 00:25:53,835 --> 00:25:57,475 Speaker 1: three hundred thousand foreign nationals being brought into the United States, 355 00:25:57,635 --> 00:26:00,395 Speaker 1: personally by Joe Biden, who of course can't do anything 356 00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:02,635 Speaker 1: and is dysfunctional, but he can bring in three hundred 357 00:26:02,675 --> 00:26:06,675 Speaker 1: thousand people and nobody would know about it, and mister 358 00:26:06,795 --> 00:26:10,915 Speaker 1: Rugg with two g's called it treathlin. Now, even if 359 00:26:10,915 --> 00:26:13,715 Speaker 1: it actually happened, which it didn't, and it wasn't just 360 00:26:13,795 --> 00:26:18,395 Speaker 1: part of mister Rugg's delusional campaign to bluntly undermine the 361 00:26:18,475 --> 00:26:21,795 Speaker 1: United States of America and help places like Russia, that 362 00:26:21,875 --> 00:26:26,355 Speaker 1: wouldn't be treason. In treason, you're acting on behalf of 363 00:26:26,355 --> 00:26:30,995 Speaker 1: a foreign state. But of course Elon, who is high 364 00:26:31,035 --> 00:26:37,075 Speaker 1: on ketamen or mushrooms or brain damage per actual news reporting, 365 00:26:37,515 --> 00:26:42,675 Speaker 1: retweeted that thing from mister Rugg with two g's with treason. Indeed, 366 00:26:43,195 --> 00:26:47,635 Speaker 1: ushering in vast numbers of illegals is why Mayarkus was impeached. 367 00:26:48,235 --> 00:26:52,595 Speaker 1: They are importing voters, now, I know it's just the 368 00:26:52,755 --> 00:26:58,275 Speaker 1: LSD talking. Non residents can't vote. They don't vote, and 369 00:26:58,395 --> 00:27:01,475 Speaker 1: every election all those caught voting improperly turn out to 370 00:27:01,475 --> 00:27:06,075 Speaker 1: be Republicans, not people who were born in other countries 371 00:27:06,435 --> 00:27:09,675 Speaker 1: and maybe don't actually have the right or the documents 372 00:27:09,715 --> 00:27:14,275 Speaker 1: to be here, maybe like Elon Musk from Pretoria, South Africa. 373 00:27:14,715 --> 00:27:18,795 Speaker 1: But wait, there's more. Musk has just met with Trump. 374 00:27:19,075 --> 00:27:22,195 Speaker 1: Of course, Trump is desperate for campaign money, or as 375 00:27:22,235 --> 00:27:26,635 Speaker 1: he refers to it, paying the lawyers. Happily, Musk has 376 00:27:26,675 --> 00:27:30,035 Speaker 1: cleared that up quote just to be super clear, I'm 377 00:27:30,075 --> 00:27:34,715 Speaker 1: not donating money to either kindidate for US president. Notice 378 00:27:34,715 --> 00:27:36,875 Speaker 1: he did not say whether he was donating to any 379 00:27:36,915 --> 00:27:40,835 Speaker 1: of their super packs, because you know Musk every once 380 00:27:40,875 --> 00:27:45,315 Speaker 1: in a while. Wise the good news, though, Elon Musk 381 00:27:45,395 --> 00:27:51,435 Speaker 1: is apparently impotent politically. He told voters in Austin, Texas, 382 00:27:51,435 --> 00:27:55,595 Speaker 1: including his employees in Texas, to vote against the incumbent 383 00:27:55,715 --> 00:28:00,115 Speaker 1: Travis County District Attorney, the Democrat Jose Garza, in the 384 00:28:00,155 --> 00:28:03,675 Speaker 1: primary there because Musk said he must have read it 385 00:28:03,675 --> 00:28:07,355 Speaker 1: from somebody named Ru with three g's said Garza does 386 00:28:07,395 --> 00:28:12,595 Speaker 1: not prosecute crimes, and actor Elon Musk endorsed his opponent. 387 00:28:12,675 --> 00:28:17,075 Speaker 1: Garza just eked out a win by sixty seven percent 388 00:28:17,115 --> 00:28:21,715 Speaker 1: to thirty three Elon Musk who threw around his weight 389 00:28:21,835 --> 00:28:27,595 Speaker 1: only to find out oops too much ozempic two days Worse, 390 00:28:28,275 --> 00:28:48,555 Speaker 1: pr Sudden in the World a Partime Live. She was 391 00:28:48,595 --> 00:28:50,555 Speaker 1: the number one story on the countdown, And since it 392 00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:53,595 Speaker 1: is Friday, it is Friday's with Thurber. Some years ago 393 00:28:53,715 --> 00:28:57,995 Speaker 1: I did an audiobook of Thurber stories, with the proceeds 394 00:28:57,995 --> 00:29:01,315 Speaker 1: going to the Thurber Literary Estate, on the idea that 395 00:29:01,715 --> 00:29:04,835 Speaker 1: the more people heard Thurber, the better. And one of 396 00:29:04,835 --> 00:29:07,035 Speaker 1: the great compliments, one of the greatest compliments I have 397 00:29:07,115 --> 00:29:10,475 Speaker 1: ever received, was that when the thing was published, it 398 00:29:10,555 --> 00:29:16,835 Speaker 1: did not say Thurber Audios collection or whatever read by me. 399 00:29:17,075 --> 00:29:22,955 Speaker 1: It said performed by me. I guess that's because they 400 00:29:22,955 --> 00:29:26,035 Speaker 1: did a lot of different voices, or because we included 401 00:29:26,075 --> 00:29:30,355 Speaker 1: in it one particular story that really does kind of 402 00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:33,795 Speaker 1: need a cast of a few different people for one 403 00:29:34,355 --> 00:29:36,995 Speaker 1: sub scene in the middle of it. I think you 404 00:29:36,995 --> 00:29:39,755 Speaker 1: will recognize it when we get there. The story is 405 00:29:40,835 --> 00:29:44,955 Speaker 1: from his epic tale of his youth, somewhat exaggerated My 406 00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:48,915 Speaker 1: life in hard Times, The Car We had to Push 407 00:29:49,475 --> 00:29:55,555 Speaker 1: by James Thurber. Many autobiographers, among them Lincoln Stephen's and 408 00:29:55,715 --> 00:30:01,675 Speaker 1: Gertrude Atherton describe earthquakes their families have been in. I 409 00:30:01,715 --> 00:30:04,595 Speaker 1: am unable to do this because my family was never 410 00:30:04,755 --> 00:30:08,115 Speaker 1: in an earthquake, but we went through a number of 411 00:30:08,115 --> 00:30:11,155 Speaker 1: things in Columbus that were a great deal like earthquakes. 412 00:30:11,675 --> 00:30:15,315 Speaker 1: I remember, in particular some of the repercussions of an 413 00:30:15,355 --> 00:30:20,155 Speaker 1: old Rio we had that would not go unless you 414 00:30:20,235 --> 00:30:22,435 Speaker 1: pushed it for quite a way and suddenly let your 415 00:30:22,475 --> 00:30:26,395 Speaker 1: clutch out. The brand does not sound familiar. A Rio 416 00:30:27,275 --> 00:30:31,315 Speaker 1: was an early automobile. Once we had been able to 417 00:30:31,355 --> 00:30:34,115 Speaker 1: start the engine easily by cranking it, but we had 418 00:30:34,155 --> 00:30:36,515 Speaker 1: had the car for so many years that finally it 419 00:30:36,555 --> 00:30:41,075 Speaker 1: wouldn't go unless you pushed it and let your clutch out. 420 00:30:42,195 --> 00:30:44,155 Speaker 1: Of course, it took more than one person to do this, 421 00:30:44,795 --> 00:30:47,275 Speaker 1: took sometimes as many as five or six, depending on 422 00:30:47,315 --> 00:30:51,035 Speaker 1: the grade of the roadway and conditions underfoot. The car 423 00:30:51,195 --> 00:30:54,035 Speaker 1: was unusual and that the clutch and brake were on 424 00:30:54,115 --> 00:30:57,155 Speaker 1: the same pedal, making it quite easy to stall the 425 00:30:57,235 --> 00:30:59,915 Speaker 1: engine after it got started, so that the car would 426 00:30:59,915 --> 00:31:04,435 Speaker 1: have to be pushed again. My father used to get 427 00:31:04,995 --> 00:31:08,315 Speaker 1: at his stomach pushing the car, and very often was 428 00:31:08,395 --> 00:31:11,395 Speaker 1: unable to go to work. He had never liked the machine, 429 00:31:11,715 --> 00:31:15,675 Speaker 1: even when it was good. Sharing my ignorance and suspicion 430 00:31:15,835 --> 00:31:21,155 Speaker 1: of all automobiles of that time and longer ago. The 431 00:31:21,235 --> 00:31:23,715 Speaker 1: boys I went to school we used to be able 432 00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:32,195 Speaker 1: to identify every car as it passed by Thomas Flyer, Firestone, Columbus, Stevens, Dryer, Rambler, Winton, 433 00:31:32,675 --> 00:31:38,435 Speaker 1: White Steamer, etc. I never could. The only car I 434 00:31:38,635 --> 00:31:42,035 Speaker 1: was really interested in was one that the get Ready Man, 435 00:31:42,395 --> 00:31:45,475 Speaker 1: as we called him, rode around town in a big 436 00:31:45,595 --> 00:31:49,995 Speaker 1: red devil with a door in the back. The get 437 00:31:50,195 --> 00:31:56,235 Speaker 1: Ready Man was a lank, unkept, elderly gentleman with wild 438 00:31:56,315 --> 00:31:59,635 Speaker 1: eyes and a deep voice who used to go about 439 00:31:59,795 --> 00:32:04,355 Speaker 1: shouting at people through a megaphone to prepare for the 440 00:32:04,435 --> 00:32:13,395 Speaker 1: end of the world. Get Ready, get Ready, he would bellow, 441 00:32:13,835 --> 00:32:20,915 Speaker 1: the world is coming to an end. His startling exhortations 442 00:32:20,915 --> 00:32:24,355 Speaker 1: would come up like summer thunder, at the most unexpected 443 00:32:24,395 --> 00:32:27,915 Speaker 1: time and in the most surprising places. I remember once, 444 00:32:27,995 --> 00:32:31,315 Speaker 1: during Mantell's production of King Lear at the Colonial Theater, 445 00:32:32,155 --> 00:32:35,155 Speaker 1: that the get Ready Man added his bawlings to the 446 00:32:35,195 --> 00:32:38,475 Speaker 1: squealing of Edgar and the ranting of the King, and 447 00:32:38,515 --> 00:32:41,915 Speaker 1: the mouthing of the fool rising from somewhere in the 448 00:32:41,955 --> 00:32:46,515 Speaker 1: balcony to join in. The theater was in absolute darkness, 449 00:32:46,875 --> 00:32:50,115 Speaker 1: and there were rumblings of thunder and flashes of lightning 450 00:32:50,155 --> 00:32:54,155 Speaker 1: off stage. Neither Father nor I, who were there, ever 451 00:32:54,235 --> 00:32:57,315 Speaker 1: completely got over the scene, which went something like this, 452 00:32:58,435 --> 00:33:02,355 Speaker 1: Edgar Tom's a cold. O de o do de do 453 00:33:02,475 --> 00:33:07,835 Speaker 1: de bless thee from whir Owind's star blasting and talking. 454 00:33:07,995 --> 00:33:13,595 Speaker 1: The foul fiend vexes thunder off stage. What have his 455 00:33:13,795 --> 00:33:18,955 Speaker 1: daughters brought him to this pass? Get Ready, get ready? 456 00:33:20,355 --> 00:33:25,275 Speaker 1: Edgar Pillocock sat on Pillocock Hill. Hello, Hello, Lou Lou. 457 00:33:25,755 --> 00:33:33,155 Speaker 1: Lightning flashes. The world is coming to an end. This 458 00:33:33,275 --> 00:33:36,235 Speaker 1: cold night will turn us all to fools and madmen. 459 00:33:37,155 --> 00:33:43,675 Speaker 1: Take here, the foul fiend, obey thy, get ready, Tom's 460 00:33:43,715 --> 00:33:50,835 Speaker 1: a cold. The well is coming to an end. They 461 00:33:50,875 --> 00:33:56,515 Speaker 1: found him finally and dejected him, still shouting. The theater 462 00:33:56,795 --> 00:34:01,635 Speaker 1: in our time has known few such moments. But to 463 00:34:01,635 --> 00:34:05,275 Speaker 1: get back to the automobile, one of my happiest memories 464 00:34:05,275 --> 00:34:08,515 Speaker 1: of it was when, in its eighth year, my brother 465 00:34:08,715 --> 00:34:11,235 Speaker 1: Roy got together a great many articles from the kitchen, 466 00:34:11,595 --> 00:34:14,355 Speaker 1: placed them in a square of canvas, and swung this 467 00:34:14,715 --> 00:34:17,635 Speaker 1: under the car with a string attached to it, so 468 00:34:17,715 --> 00:34:21,475 Speaker 1: that at a twitch, the canvas would give way and 469 00:34:21,555 --> 00:34:24,995 Speaker 1: the steel and tin things would clatter to the street. 470 00:34:25,835 --> 00:34:28,555 Speaker 1: This was a little scheme of Roy's to frighten father, 471 00:34:28,635 --> 00:34:33,755 Speaker 1: who had always expected the car might explode. It worked perfectly. 472 00:34:34,475 --> 00:34:37,715 Speaker 1: That was twenty five years ago, but it is one 473 00:34:37,755 --> 00:34:39,955 Speaker 1: of the few things in my life I would like 474 00:34:40,075 --> 00:34:43,995 Speaker 1: to live over again if I could. I don't suppose 475 00:34:43,995 --> 00:34:47,315 Speaker 1: that I can now. Roy twitched the string in the 476 00:34:47,315 --> 00:34:50,875 Speaker 1: middle of a lovely afternoon on Brydon Road, near Eighteenth Street. 477 00:34:51,475 --> 00:34:53,635 Speaker 1: Father had closed his eyes and, with his hat off, 478 00:34:53,715 --> 00:34:56,675 Speaker 1: was enjoying a cool breeze. The clatter on the asphalt 479 00:34:56,755 --> 00:35:02,355 Speaker 1: was tremendously effective. Knives, forks, can openers, pie pans, pot lids, 480 00:35:02,675 --> 00:35:07,995 Speaker 1: biscuit cutters, ladles, egg beaters fell beautifully together in a 481 00:35:08,155 --> 00:35:14,195 Speaker 1: lingering clement. Crash. Stop. The car, shouted, Father, I can't, 482 00:35:14,355 --> 00:35:18,515 Speaker 1: Roy said, The engine fell out. God Almighty, said Father, 483 00:35:18,755 --> 00:35:22,075 Speaker 1: who knew what that meant, or knew what it sounded 484 00:35:22,155 --> 00:35:26,675 Speaker 1: as if it might mean. It ended unhappily, of course, 485 00:35:26,715 --> 00:35:29,075 Speaker 1: because we finally had to drive back and pick up 486 00:35:29,115 --> 00:35:31,755 Speaker 1: the stuff. And even Father knew the difference between the 487 00:35:31,795 --> 00:35:35,115 Speaker 1: works of an automobile and the equipment of a pantry. 488 00:35:36,235 --> 00:35:40,515 Speaker 1: My mother wouldn't have known, however, nor her mother. My mother, 489 00:35:40,675 --> 00:35:43,555 Speaker 1: for instance, thought, or rather knew, that it was dangerous 490 00:35:43,595 --> 00:35:48,155 Speaker 1: to drive an automobile without gasoline. It it fried the 491 00:35:48,275 --> 00:35:51,955 Speaker 1: valves or something. Now, don't you dare drive all over 492 00:35:52,035 --> 00:35:54,995 Speaker 1: town with that gasoline, she would say to us when 493 00:35:54,995 --> 00:35:59,195 Speaker 1: we started it off. Gasoline, oil, and water were much 494 00:35:59,235 --> 00:36:01,475 Speaker 1: the same to her, a fact that made her life 495 00:36:01,475 --> 00:36:07,155 Speaker 1: both confusing and perilous. Her greatest dread, however, was the Victrola. 496 00:36:07,555 --> 00:36:09,595 Speaker 1: We had a very early one back in the Come 497 00:36:09,675 --> 00:36:13,155 Speaker 1: Josephine in my flying machine days. She had an idea 498 00:36:13,155 --> 00:36:17,875 Speaker 1: that the Victrola might blow up. It alarmed her, rather 499 00:36:17,915 --> 00:36:21,275 Speaker 1: than reassured her. To explain that the phonograph was run 500 00:36:21,355 --> 00:36:25,715 Speaker 1: neither by gasoline nor by electricity. She could only suppose 501 00:36:25,715 --> 00:36:28,955 Speaker 1: that it was propelled by some new fangled and untested 502 00:36:28,995 --> 00:36:32,195 Speaker 1: apparatus which was likely to let go at any minute, 503 00:36:32,435 --> 00:36:35,875 Speaker 1: making us all the victims and martyrs of the wild 504 00:36:36,115 --> 00:36:42,715 Speaker 1: Eyed Edison's dangerous experiments. The telephone she was comparatively at 505 00:36:42,715 --> 00:36:45,875 Speaker 1: peace with, except of course, during storms, when for some 506 00:36:45,915 --> 00:36:48,235 Speaker 1: reason or other she always took the receiver off the 507 00:36:48,235 --> 00:36:51,755 Speaker 1: hook and let it hang. She came naturally by her 508 00:36:51,795 --> 00:36:55,475 Speaker 1: confused and groundless fears for her own. Mother lived the 509 00:36:55,555 --> 00:36:58,435 Speaker 1: latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that 510 00:36:58,515 --> 00:37:05,995 Speaker 1: electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house. She contended 511 00:37:06,275 --> 00:37:09,235 Speaker 1: out of empty sockets. If the wall switch had been 512 00:37:09,315 --> 00:37:13,435 Speaker 1: left on, she would go around screwing in bulbs, and 513 00:37:13,475 --> 00:37:15,955 Speaker 1: if they lighted up, she would hastily and fearfully turn 514 00:37:15,995 --> 00:37:18,835 Speaker 1: off the wall switch and go back to her Piersons 515 00:37:18,955 --> 00:37:23,835 Speaker 1: or Everybody's magazine, happy and the satisfaction that she had 516 00:37:23,875 --> 00:37:29,075 Speaker 1: stopped not only a costly but a dangerous leakage. Nothing 517 00:37:29,835 --> 00:37:37,795 Speaker 1: could ever clear this up for her. Our poor old 518 00:37:37,955 --> 00:37:41,315 Speaker 1: rio came to a horrible end. Finally, we had parked 519 00:37:41,355 --> 00:37:43,555 Speaker 1: it too far from the curb on a street with 520 00:37:43,635 --> 00:37:46,755 Speaker 1: a trolley car line. It was late at night and 521 00:37:46,835 --> 00:37:49,555 Speaker 1: the street was dark. The first street car that came 522 00:37:49,555 --> 00:37:53,315 Speaker 1: along couldn't get by. It picked up the tired old 523 00:37:53,355 --> 00:37:56,755 Speaker 1: automobile as a terrier might seize a rabbit, and drubbed 524 00:37:56,755 --> 00:38:01,075 Speaker 1: it unmercifully, losing its hold now and then, but catching 525 00:38:01,155 --> 00:38:05,555 Speaker 1: a new grip a second later. Tires booped and whoosh, 526 00:38:06,475 --> 00:38:11,075 Speaker 1: the fenders coeled and graped. The steering wheel rose up 527 00:38:11,275 --> 00:38:14,315 Speaker 1: like a specter, and disappeared in the direction of Franklin 528 00:38:14,355 --> 00:38:19,595 Speaker 1: Avenue with a melancholy whistling sound. Bolts and gadgets flew 529 00:38:19,755 --> 00:38:24,155 Speaker 1: like sparks from a Catherine wheel. It was a splendid spectacle, 530 00:38:24,195 --> 00:38:28,515 Speaker 1: but of course saddening to everybody except the motorman of 531 00:38:28,555 --> 00:38:32,035 Speaker 1: the street car, who was sore. I think some of 532 00:38:32,115 --> 00:38:35,435 Speaker 1: us broke down and wept. It must have been the 533 00:38:35,475 --> 00:38:40,115 Speaker 1: weeping that caused grandfather to take on so terribly. Time 534 00:38:40,275 --> 00:38:43,315 Speaker 1: was all mixed up in his mind. Automobiles and the 535 00:38:43,435 --> 00:38:48,675 Speaker 1: like he never remembered having seen. He apparently gathered from 536 00:38:48,715 --> 00:38:51,315 Speaker 1: the talk and the excitement and the weeping that somebody 537 00:38:51,315 --> 00:38:54,675 Speaker 1: had died. Nor did he let go of this delusion. 538 00:38:54,955 --> 00:38:57,395 Speaker 1: He insisted, in fact, after almost a week in which 539 00:38:57,435 --> 00:39:00,035 Speaker 1: we strove mightily to divert him, that it was a 540 00:39:00,075 --> 00:39:03,715 Speaker 1: sin and a shame and a disgrace to the family 541 00:39:04,315 --> 00:39:09,235 Speaker 1: to put the funeral off any longer. Nobody is dead. 542 00:39:09,635 --> 00:39:14,995 Speaker 1: The automobile is smashed, shouted my father, trying for the 543 00:39:15,195 --> 00:39:18,955 Speaker 1: thirtieth time to explain the situation to the old man. 544 00:39:19,875 --> 00:39:24,835 Speaker 1: Why was he drunk? Demanded grandfather sternly was who drunk, 545 00:39:25,395 --> 00:39:30,835 Speaker 1: asked father, Zenus said, grandfather, he had a name for 546 00:39:30,915 --> 00:39:34,875 Speaker 1: the corpse. Now it was his brother's Zenus, who, as 547 00:39:34,915 --> 00:39:39,155 Speaker 1: it happened, was dead, but not from driving an automobile 548 00:39:39,195 --> 00:39:44,595 Speaker 1: while intoxicated. Zenus had died in eighteen sixty six, the sensitive, 549 00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:46,995 Speaker 1: rather poetical boy of twenty one. When the Civil War 550 00:39:47,115 --> 00:39:50,835 Speaker 1: broke out, Zenis had gone to South America, just as 551 00:39:50,835 --> 00:39:55,715 Speaker 1: he wrote, back until it blows over. Returning after the 552 00:39:55,715 --> 00:39:58,275 Speaker 1: war had blown over, he caught the same disease that 553 00:39:58,395 --> 00:40:00,995 Speaker 1: was killing off the chestnut trees in those years, and 554 00:40:01,075 --> 00:40:03,475 Speaker 1: passed away. It was the only case in history where 555 00:40:03,515 --> 00:40:06,155 Speaker 1: a tree doctor had to be called in to spray 556 00:40:06,235 --> 00:40:09,235 Speaker 1: a person, and our family had felt it very keenly. 557 00:40:09,915 --> 00:40:12,715 Speaker 1: Nobody else in the United States caught the blight. Some 558 00:40:12,755 --> 00:40:15,195 Speaker 1: of us had looked upon Zenus's fate as a kind 559 00:40:15,235 --> 00:40:20,835 Speaker 1: of poetic justice. Now that grandfather knew, so to speak, 560 00:40:21,635 --> 00:40:25,435 Speaker 1: who was dead, it became increasingly awkward to go on 561 00:40:25,675 --> 00:40:28,435 Speaker 1: living in the same house with him, as if nothing 562 00:40:28,475 --> 00:40:32,675 Speaker 1: had happened. He would go into towering rages in which 563 00:40:32,675 --> 00:40:34,795 Speaker 1: he threatened to write to the Board of Health unless 564 00:40:34,835 --> 00:40:39,235 Speaker 1: the funeral were held at once, we realized that something 565 00:40:39,235 --> 00:40:42,435 Speaker 1: had to be done. Eventually, we persuaded a friend of 566 00:40:42,475 --> 00:40:45,395 Speaker 1: father's named George Martin to dress up in the manner 567 00:40:45,435 --> 00:40:47,835 Speaker 1: and costume of the eighteen sixties and pretend to be 568 00:40:48,115 --> 00:40:52,715 Speaker 1: Uncle Zenus in order to set Grandfather's mind at rest. 569 00:40:52,995 --> 00:40:56,555 Speaker 1: The impostor looked fine and impressive, inside burns and a 570 00:40:56,595 --> 00:40:59,755 Speaker 1: high beaver hat, and not unlike the dagera types of 571 00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:03,075 Speaker 1: Zenus in our album I Shall Never Forget The night 572 00:41:03,155 --> 00:41:06,435 Speaker 1: just after dinner, when this Zenus walked into the living room, 573 00:41:06,795 --> 00:41:12,435 Speaker 1: Grandfather was stomping up and down, tall, hawk nosed round oathed. 574 00:41:13,315 --> 00:41:18,515 Speaker 1: The newcomer held out both hands. Clem, he cried to Grandfather. 575 00:41:20,275 --> 00:41:26,355 Speaker 1: Grandfather turned slowly, looked at the intruder and snorted, Hurrey you, 576 00:41:27,475 --> 00:41:32,275 Speaker 1: he demanded in his deep, resonant voice. I'm Zenis, cried Martin, 577 00:41:32,475 --> 00:41:35,275 Speaker 1: your brother Zenus. Fit is a fiddle and sound is 578 00:41:35,315 --> 00:41:41,435 Speaker 1: a dollar. Zenus my foot said Grandfather. Zenus died in 579 00:41:41,515 --> 00:41:48,635 Speaker 1: a chestnut light in sixty six. Grandfather was given to 580 00:41:48,675 --> 00:41:52,995 Speaker 1: these sudden, unexpected, and extremely lucid moments. They were generally 581 00:41:53,035 --> 00:41:56,315 Speaker 1: more embarrassing than his other moments. He comprehended before he 582 00:41:56,355 --> 00:41:58,635 Speaker 1: went to bed that night that the old automobile had 583 00:41:58,635 --> 00:42:01,475 Speaker 1: been destroyed, and that its destruction had caused all the 584 00:42:01,475 --> 00:42:05,635 Speaker 1: turmoil in the house. It flew all the pieces, my 585 00:42:05,755 --> 00:42:09,995 Speaker 1: mother told him, in graphically describing the accident, I new 586 00:42:10,115 --> 00:42:14,675 Speaker 1: toward growled, grandfather. I always told you to get a 587 00:42:14,755 --> 00:42:22,395 Speaker 1: pop Toledo the car we had to push by James 588 00:42:22,395 --> 00:42:42,115 Speaker 1: Thurber get run. I've done all the damage I can 589 00:42:42,155 --> 00:42:45,075 Speaker 1: do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown. Musical directors Brian 590 00:42:45,195 --> 00:42:49,035 Speaker 1: Ray and John Phillip Schanelle arranged, produced, and performed most 591 00:42:49,075 --> 00:42:52,395 Speaker 1: of our music. Mister Ray was on guitars, bass and drums, 592 00:42:52,395 --> 00:42:55,395 Speaker 1: and mister Chanelle handled orchestration and keyboards, and it was 593 00:42:55,395 --> 00:42:58,635 Speaker 1: produced by Tko Brothers. Other music, including some of the 594 00:42:58,635 --> 00:43:01,555 Speaker 1: Beethoven compositions, were arranged and performed by the group No 595 00:43:01,635 --> 00:43:04,995 Speaker 1: Horns Allowed. The sports music is the Olderman the from 596 00:43:05,155 --> 00:43:08,875 Speaker 1: ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN Inc. 597 00:43:09,395 --> 00:43:12,755 Speaker 1: Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by Nancy Faust, 598 00:43:12,915 --> 00:43:16,115 Speaker 1: the best baseball stadium organists ever. Our announcer today was 599 00:43:16,155 --> 00:43:19,115 Speaker 1: my friend Dennis Leary, and everything else was pretty much 600 00:43:19,315 --> 00:43:22,195 Speaker 1: my fault. So that's countdown for this two hundred and 601 00:43:22,275 --> 00:43:25,995 Speaker 1: forty fourth day before the twenty twenty four presidential election, 602 00:43:26,395 --> 00:43:30,795 Speaker 1: but fifty six days since dementia j Trump's first attempted 603 00:43:30,875 --> 00:43:34,075 Speaker 1: coup against the democratically elected government of the United States. 604 00:43:34,835 --> 00:43:38,955 Speaker 1: Use the Fourteenth Amendment and the not regularly given elector 605 00:43:39,195 --> 00:43:43,035 Speaker 1: objection option the Supreme Court has given us. Use the 606 00:43:43,035 --> 00:43:46,555 Speaker 1: Insurrection Act, use the justice system, use the mental health 607 00:43:46,595 --> 00:43:51,315 Speaker 1: system to stop him from doing it again while we 608 00:43:51,395 --> 00:43:57,115 Speaker 1: still can. The next scheduled countdown is Check's Notes tonight 609 00:43:58,035 --> 00:44:01,795 Speaker 1: Don't forget our live special on YouTube and Twitch after 610 00:44:01,835 --> 00:44:05,275 Speaker 1: the State of the Union to night. I warm Up 611 00:44:05,315 --> 00:44:08,075 Speaker 1: Act starts at about nine Eastern. That'd be the President. 612 00:44:08,515 --> 00:44:11,475 Speaker 1: We will be on at about ten a usual podcast 613 00:44:11,555 --> 00:44:15,955 Speaker 1: with probably a little unusual content. On Friday Bulletins is 614 00:44:15,995 --> 00:44:18,195 Speaker 1: the news warrants till then. I'm Keith Olderman. Good Morning, 615 00:44:18,235 --> 00:44:35,115 Speaker 1: good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith 616 00:44:35,155 --> 00:44:40,235 Speaker 1: Oldreman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, 617 00:44:40,355 --> 00:44:44,395 Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get 618 00:44:44,435 --> 00:44:45,355 Speaker 1: your podcasts.