1 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:11,040 Speaker 1: the podcast where we discussed some of the big life 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:22,320 Speaker 1: for our psychology. Welcome back to the podcast everyone, Thank 5 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,919 Speaker 1: you for joining us again this week. We've got a 6 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:31,200 Speaker 1: pretty exciting episode going on today and a very special guest. 7 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,199 Speaker 1: Welcome Cloudia. Hi Jamma, thanks for having me. Oh that's okay. 8 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: So how do we know each other before we get 9 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: into what we're talking about? So so well, we've worked 10 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: at Boost together. Yeah, when we both lived in Melbourne. Yeah, 11 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: like five five years ago. Yeah, or five years ago. Yeah, 12 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: when you were still in high school. Yeah. Oh my god. 13 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 1: I was literally such a baby, and you guys really 14 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,800 Speaker 1: took me under your wing as your manager for a bit. Yeah, 15 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: I know you were my manager and I used to 16 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 1: always steal protein books. Yeah. But listening, I wonder what 17 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,240 Speaker 1: he's doing right now. I don't know. Hopefully he's happy. 18 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,520 Speaker 1: I think his Boost juice shut down for Health Code violence. 19 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: It's most likely, but that's another story. But basically, Carter 20 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:27,119 Speaker 1: and I knew each other when I was significantly younger. 21 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,840 Speaker 1: You were also the age of being younger, but I 22 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,680 Speaker 1: was a little and newer, a bit older than me. 23 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 1: And then I moved to Sydney and we went out 24 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,680 Speaker 1: for dinner the other night, and as you do, we 25 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: were like updating each other on literally four years of 26 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,920 Speaker 1: our lives, and we started talking about our relationships as 27 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 1: you do. Um, and one in particular for you yeah, yeah, 28 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: one of my yeah relationship for a few years ago. Yeah, 29 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 1: it wasn't healthy, just like the least. No. Yeah, I 30 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: was listening to in like genuine shock. Literally, yeah, I 31 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,040 Speaker 1: was speechless, and I was like, you know what this 32 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:12,680 Speaker 1: is like something so prominent, like so common, especially in 33 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,600 Speaker 1: your twenties, definitely, like we were talking about when you 34 00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 1: don't have boundaries for yourself yet, you don't really know 35 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:22,480 Speaker 1: who you want, you're still discovering dating and everything. But yeah, 36 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: I also think it's really important because you don't really 37 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,600 Speaker 1: know what it's like until you get into something, and 38 00:02:27,639 --> 00:02:30,560 Speaker 1: people don't talk about it enough I think. So I 39 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:33,800 Speaker 1: was like, come on board, Yeah, let's talk about toxic 40 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 1: abusive relationships in our twenties, especially for like we were saying, 41 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: we can only really speak to a like a female perspective, 42 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 1: and we aren't therapists. No, no, we're not, so obviously 43 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: we both have degrees in psychology. Yeah, and I just 44 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:56,880 Speaker 1: finished my honors in psychology last year. Actually my research 45 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,520 Speaker 1: was in this kind of area as well. Yeah, should 46 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 1: I link your fasis so if if you want to 47 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 1: read it, Oh, it's not it's not published. Damn it's 48 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: so good. I like it. And I was like, oh incredible. Um, 49 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,079 Speaker 1: but yes, so obviously we're not licensed therapist. Yeah, but yes, 50 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: I do have an honest degree, Yeah, psychology in this area, 51 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:22,240 Speaker 1: in this area. So like I was reading her thesis 52 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: and I was like, this is like you know, I 53 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 1: always try and make the episodes like really kind of 54 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:30,520 Speaker 1: research based, and I think, like my I didn't really 55 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 1: want to do this episode. I think alone and like 56 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 1: not have like someone else who kind of bounce ideas 57 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 1: off of or another experience. Definitely. Um, so this just 58 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: seemed like the perfect guests to have. Yes, so we're 59 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: going to get into a day talk all about toxic relationships. 60 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: So we've given you the whole story of how this 61 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 1: episode came to be. Um, we were having dinner and 62 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 1: we were talking about relationships and Clardia, would you like 63 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 1: to kind of give a bit of yeah, like that 64 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 1: story into what we were talking about. Yeah, yeah, but 65 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: I was just telling Jamma. So UM. I moved to 66 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,040 Speaker 1: Sydney UM in twenty eighteen for UNI. UM. It was 67 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: my first year of UNI. I was living on campus. UM, 68 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,800 Speaker 1: so like a whole street of houses that were all 69 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 1: UNI students, UM. And the house next door to mine 70 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 1: was like had a house of eight UM and there 71 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 1: was UM one of the people living in the house. UM. 72 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:37,360 Speaker 1: He was an exchange student. And you know, being the 73 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:41,040 Speaker 1: house next door, we kind of became friends whatever. UM 74 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 1: hung out a bit. UM. I kind of you know, 75 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,039 Speaker 1: knew what he was like, you know, you kind of 76 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: tell I think we'll get into that a bit more later. 77 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: But you know, very charming. UM. We're playing friends. And 78 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,919 Speaker 1: because I kind of, yeah, I rejected him like pretty 79 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 1: like yeah yeah, Like he kind of came on. I 80 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: was like, no, like I had already he dealt with 81 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 1: little experiences of just kind of you know, crappy dating experiences. 82 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,479 Speaker 1: So I was like, nah, I'm like here to kind 83 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: of study and have fun. But because he was my friend, 84 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: or I considered him a friend at the time, UM, 85 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 1: you know, I think he invited me out for breakfast 86 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 1: one day, just as friends, so I thought, and it 87 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 1: kind of conturned I guess more intimate very fast. Um. 88 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: And I kind of thought because if we were friends 89 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: and he'd actually tried for a few months at this 90 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,160 Speaker 1: point to kind of get to know me and everything, 91 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:36,239 Speaker 1: like I obviously found him attractive. Um, I was like, sure, 92 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 1: maybe this could be a thing, like maybe I judge 93 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,919 Speaker 1: it too harshly, or maybe because he's actually putting an effort, 94 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: and yes, he could have that tendencies, but if he 95 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,719 Speaker 1: really likes me, you know, it kind of was a 96 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 1: whole like he's going to abandon being a fun boy 97 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 1: for me. Yeah I can change, Yeah, I can be 98 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 1: the one you know very much wanting to be that. 99 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 1: And so when I kind of had my brain switched 100 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,840 Speaker 1: kind of to that and very quickly, I was kind 101 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:06,599 Speaker 1: of in it and I wanted it and I wanted 102 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: to be that. Um. And there were lots of things 103 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: that happened throughout the year. Um, you know, we never 104 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,000 Speaker 1: made it, but one of the things was never established 105 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 1: that we were official. We never wanted to put a 106 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: label on it. Yeah, you know, so the typical kind 107 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,919 Speaker 1: of he could still get away with things under the 108 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,960 Speaker 1: guise of there's no label, we're not official, you're not 109 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:32,039 Speaker 1: my girlfriend so much, you know, I considered it in 110 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: my head. It very much was in my head. I 111 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 1: wasn't seeing anyone else, I wasn't interested in anyone else. 112 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,720 Speaker 1: I was committed like I would be committed in a 113 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,160 Speaker 1: normal relationship, and that's what I wanted. Yea. But you know, 114 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 1: to him it was fun in games. Really to him, 115 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 1: I was who knows, who knows what I was to 116 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,000 Speaker 1: h him, I don't know, I don't know. I probably 117 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,159 Speaker 1: think he doesn't even know. He sounds like such a Yeah, 118 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,080 Speaker 1: I still don't know to this day. But that's something 119 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,280 Speaker 1: you have to accept when you get into this. Um. 120 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:01,240 Speaker 1: But so basically he would kind of bring on every 121 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,240 Speaker 1: month or a couple of months that he went on 122 00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:05,719 Speaker 1: a Tinder date or he went on other dates with 123 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,159 Speaker 1: other women, and so every time, um, you know, I 124 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 1: would hear that and be like, obviously that's not okay. Yeah, 125 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,560 Speaker 1: I am taking this seriously and you're not. So I 126 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 1: would want to end it. I would want to get 127 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 1: out of it. And he had this way of making 128 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 1: me feel bad for him. And this is actually something 129 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: I only realized very recently, I was reading this book 130 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: that my actually now boyfriend gave me my fringe, my thesis, 131 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,000 Speaker 1: who's a sweetheart. Yeah, and so there's a good ending. 132 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 1: Everyone before you hear all this tragic good ending. I'm 133 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:41,840 Speaker 1: in a very healthy relationship now. But yeah, but he 134 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 1: gave me anyways, he gave me this book on kind 135 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: of sociopaths basically, which pretty much what I was dealing 136 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,960 Speaker 1: with unknowingly at the time. And anyway, I was reading 137 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: this book and one of the things that really stuck 138 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,960 Speaker 1: out to me, but I didn't really realize because I 139 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,960 Speaker 1: still never really fully understood what kept me in it. 140 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: Like I knew it, I knew how bad it was. 141 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,040 Speaker 1: And there was a lot of things that happened. There 142 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,080 Speaker 1: was a lot There was a lot that happened that 143 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: were that when you told me, I was like downright abusive, unacceptable. 144 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 1: Oh my god, make me. I was so angry. I 145 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,320 Speaker 1: was like yeah, and I only imagine, like yeah, anyhow, 146 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 1: and there was a lot of things. That was a 147 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 1: lot of things. So every time, and I kind of 148 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: wandered to myself even years after, like still the question lingered, 149 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 1: like how how did he keep getting me back? I 150 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: was ready. Every single time he said I went on 151 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: to to date I had sex with this person, Like 152 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: every time I was like, that is it. We are done, 153 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 1: I'm done. I had it all prepared. We would sit 154 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: down to have a chat and somehow I would end 155 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: up after that chat not broken up with him, but 156 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 1: back with him, yeah, and feeling bad and feeling bad 157 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: for him. And then so when I read this book, 158 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:48,240 Speaker 1: they said that the number one thing they talked to 159 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: someone who was in jail. He was a known psychopath 160 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: and was a psychologists talking to him, they said, what 161 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 1: do you most want from someone? And what is it 162 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:00,600 Speaker 1: that you look for when choosing kind of victims? Almost 163 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,040 Speaker 1: and they thought they were going to say, like, I 164 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 1: want power, I want money, it's kind of control or whatever. 165 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:12,480 Speaker 1: He said, I want guilt. I want people to feel guilty, 166 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: because you know what, when someone feels guilty, when someone 167 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: feels sad for someone, all other emotions in a normal 168 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:24,720 Speaker 1: functioning human brain go, oh my god, it's that powerful 169 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,679 Speaker 1: and that is something that oh my god, that's exactly 170 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,079 Speaker 1: what happened. That's exactly what it did. Because my emotions 171 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,120 Speaker 1: were so this is done, yea, this is done, clear cut, 172 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: like I'm not stupid, because stupid I knew DWN what 173 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 1: was happening. I couldn't understand. And then I read that 174 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god. And you feel 175 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: bad for if you feel pity for someone, Yeah, if 176 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 1: you feel pity and guilty and kind of you have 177 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: that sadness or pity for someone, you want to kind 178 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 1: of then make it better. And I want you feel 179 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,320 Speaker 1: bad for them. You think they are actually a nice person. Yeah, 180 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,199 Speaker 1: so when they get you, when they you know, it 181 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,439 Speaker 1: was the typical spill of you know, I'm sorry, I'm 182 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: shit like this was what he kept, you know, saying 183 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,920 Speaker 1: every time I'll change. It's the typical eye will change, 184 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 1: I'll change, I'm sorry. I got to work out my ship, 185 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: gotta you know, I've got ship to work on, la 186 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,559 Speaker 1: la lah. But I will do it. You know, you 187 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 1: kind of you as a normal person, You think they 188 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,200 Speaker 1: want to work. Yeah, they do. That's what you would 189 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 1: because that's what I would do. You know. Oh, you 190 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 1: see they're acknowledging the fact that you want to work 191 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 1: and they want to change, and you feel pity for them. 192 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: You think, oh, what a sad kind of Oh you've 193 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:32,200 Speaker 1: had a fucked up charm. Oh you're a bit sad, oh, 194 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,839 Speaker 1: especially you know he was in a new country by himself. 195 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,400 Speaker 1: Oh it is that's a pity party, and that's what 196 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,960 Speaker 1: they want. It's the pity party. Yeah. Well, I was like, 197 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: it's so funny you said that, because back when I 198 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,560 Speaker 1: was like nineteen, I was like seeing this person and 199 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,680 Speaker 1: it's like you said that to me, and I was 200 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 1: just like, oh my god, that like the exact same thing. 201 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:54,600 Speaker 1: Like he would always like make up this like really 202 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,600 Speaker 1: tragic reason why I had to come over and see 203 00:10:56,679 --> 00:11:01,080 Speaker 1: him and like comfort him and like literally like basically 204 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 1: like cuddle cuddle him to sleep, and then he'd be 205 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:06,240 Speaker 1: like the next morning like oh, hey you can leave now. 206 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,280 Speaker 1: Yeah exactly, and I'd be like, oh, I really thought 207 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 1: that when you feel sad and pity for someone, yeah, 208 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 1: it's insane. It's it is. It takes over and it 209 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 1: takes and then they're like oh and you feel bad 210 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,559 Speaker 1: and oh and then the next morning yeah, literally, same 211 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,040 Speaker 1: thing happened, and it's like, oh, I'll kick you out. Yeah. 212 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: I once had this time when he was like, oh, 213 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 1: something really awful has happened to me, and it was 214 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:31,560 Speaker 1: my birthday and I went over to this person's apartment 215 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 1: and I was like, it's everything it came and he's 216 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,960 Speaker 1: like no, and he's like telling me this whole story 217 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 1: about something tragic, and I was like, okay, like I 218 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: don't even care, it's my birthday. Like I just like, 219 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,320 Speaker 1: I know I should be shitty at you, but like 220 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,200 Speaker 1: I feel so bad for you. And then he as 221 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,000 Speaker 1: soon as I have the opportunity to talk, he goes 222 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: on his phone and he interrupts me and he goes, Oh, 223 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 1: someone else is actually coming upstairs. Do you mind just 224 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,200 Speaker 1: going and waiting in the bathroom. Yeah, Oh my god. 225 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,160 Speaker 1: And I was like what. He goes like, just go 226 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,480 Speaker 1: and wait in the bar to him, like, my friend 227 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 1: was coming upstairs and it was another girl he was seeing. Yeah, 228 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,199 Speaker 1: and it was my bad day. And I was sitting 229 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,839 Speaker 1: in the bathroom and then I just had this realization. 230 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,560 Speaker 1: I was like, what the fuck You do have those realizations? Yeah, 231 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 1: like you're like what the fuck? Yeah, And like one 232 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,160 Speaker 1: of the what the fuck moments, which really should have 233 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,439 Speaker 1: been the end of the relationship, but for me, was 234 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: after this kind of back and forth. If I'm going 235 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,439 Speaker 1: on tindo dates and I'm going blah, blah blah, but 236 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,760 Speaker 1: I love you whatever. Bullshit. Um. He had a party 237 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,600 Speaker 1: at his house, like all his house ms at a party, 238 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,719 Speaker 1: and he was like to me, oh, I'm going to 239 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,679 Speaker 1: be late, and I was like, you know, it's your house. 240 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: Where will you be? He said again going on the 241 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:43,440 Speaker 1: Tinder date, which was you know, I'd heard it before, 242 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,520 Speaker 1: and at this point I was just a bit fed up, 243 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 1: and I was like, all my friends are coming to 244 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,319 Speaker 1: this party. UM, so I just said I'll deal with 245 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 1: like this later. But whatever you do, I said. In 246 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,920 Speaker 1: one thing that you do, do not bring her back 247 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,440 Speaker 1: to this party. Just don't do it, like you know, 248 00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:01,560 Speaker 1: my friends are going to be here. I'm there. Yeah, 249 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: that's like I'm there. Even though it even weren't like that, 250 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,920 Speaker 1: says would like it was like, oh but my friends. 251 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,439 Speaker 1: It wasn't even like I'm there. You made this respect 252 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 1: person say I know anyway, it was anyway, um, and 253 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,000 Speaker 1: he was like, what do you think I'm stupid? Like 254 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:18,439 Speaker 1: why would I do that? Of course I wouldn't do that. 255 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,960 Speaker 1: And I was like, well I've done many stupid things 256 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,920 Speaker 1: these months, like yeah, all right, but he was like adamant, 257 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:28,120 Speaker 1: like I would not do that party happens. All my 258 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,559 Speaker 1: friends were literally sitting in the lounge room in a circle, 259 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,679 Speaker 1: all around in a circle. He walks in the bit 260 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:39,080 Speaker 1: all of us with this girl says hey, just look 261 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: says hey, like so casually, barely acknowledges me, says hey 262 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:48,240 Speaker 1: and go straight upstairs to have sex with her. Um, yeah, 263 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:52,840 Speaker 1: I've heard that before, but I still like, what the fuck? Yeah, 264 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 1: like this just that was really like I would have 265 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,200 Speaker 1: hurt so much. Yeah, and obviously that was hurt underneath her, 266 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: but all that came out was few your anger, so 267 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 1: angry because most of the four months I was just sad. 268 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,760 Speaker 1: I was sad, you know, and every time this happened, 269 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,959 Speaker 1: on just cry or go to my friends. But this 270 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 1: time I fucking cracked. Yeah, and I you know, everyone 271 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 1: looked at me in shock, and everyone was kind of 272 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 1: like and I didn't know what to do. And my friend, 273 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 1: you know, that lived in that same house, was like 274 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 1: in a room at the time, who was running next 275 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 1: to his room. So I kind of just went upstairs. 276 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 1: And obviously shanon't just witnessed what happened. So I went 277 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: upstairs to tell her in a very you know, angry tone, 278 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 1: you know, being like what the fuck, Like he just 279 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,480 Speaker 1: did this, this and this, like, oh my god. So 280 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: I was like pacing back and forth kind of just 281 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:39,600 Speaker 1: like ranting essentially, and she just sat there like watching this, 282 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,600 Speaker 1: like very you know, this is fair, and then just 283 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 1: like turned to me and was like a little louder. 284 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 1: Like his room was right next door. He was in 285 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: there fucking the chick at the time. Louder, louder. She 286 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: tell me to go louder. So I started screaming, yes, 287 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 1: screaming like fuck you, like fuck your favor, telling me 288 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: that you love me, fuck you for doing this, fuck 289 00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 1: you for this, this and this just everything that came 290 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,280 Speaker 1: about from the past four months for you know, everything. 291 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 1: And then I end up kicking in his door and 292 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: like fuck you, yeah, and then walk downstairs. And at 293 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: this point a couple of my other friends arrived. Yeah, 294 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,920 Speaker 1: and they're like hey, you know, and I was like, oh, 295 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 1: not in a mood to socialize, whatsoever. What the fuck happened? 296 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,560 Speaker 1: So I went to the kitchen and signed to explaining 297 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,080 Speaker 1: it to them. Yeah, and then he comes into the 298 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:28,480 Speaker 1: kitchen and so he's facing me and standing behind my friends. 299 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 1: I don't see him, Oh, I just see him and 300 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,240 Speaker 1: they obviously realized that I'm looking at someone else, so 301 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,160 Speaker 1: they don't see it's him. They all kaud. They just 302 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 1: kind of leave us in the kitchen, and I just 303 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: look at him and I'm like, what the fuck is 304 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 1: wrong with you? Said? What the fuck is wrong with you? 305 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 1: And all he has to say to that was he 306 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:49,640 Speaker 1: looks at me, looks at my top that I was wearing. 307 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 1: It was a red top, looks back up at me, 308 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,280 Speaker 1: a little little smirk on his face, and goes red, 309 00:15:55,360 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 1: looks nice on you, and walks out. That's it. That's it. 310 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 1: After just like shattering my world whatever fancasy I'd left 311 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: of the relationship, but still like yeah, after pretty much 312 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,360 Speaker 1: disrespecting me, and like, yeah, the biggest way I think 313 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 1: anyone can really disrespect Yeah, Like literally you said like, 314 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,920 Speaker 1: please don't do this, and I literally said, like I 315 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,280 Speaker 1: didn't even address the fact that he was on a 316 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,200 Speaker 1: tender date. Ye gods, don't go on that day. I 317 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,600 Speaker 1: just I wasn't even like, don't go on that date. 318 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,240 Speaker 1: I was like I'll deal with that later because I 319 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: was felt up at this point and I was like 320 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,360 Speaker 1: I just want to have fun, honest, I can't deal 321 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,520 Speaker 1: with this again, and I just said, don't bring her in. Yeah, 322 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: just please, if you do it, go elsewhere if you 323 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 1: need to, if you need to do go to hers. Yea, honestly, 324 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 1: go to hers. And we'd do the whole spill again, 325 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 1: said someone and whatever. Yeah, but like that wasn't the end, 326 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:48,760 Speaker 1: was no, so you know, it was a start. I 327 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,120 Speaker 1: did block him and cut him off for a couple 328 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 1: of months, which was I think, you know, it's still 329 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:56,320 Speaker 1: big to do that at this point. So after that, I, 330 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 1: you know, I went back to my house for the 331 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: rest of the night and didn't engage in it of it, 332 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: and I did block him on everything and didn't talked 333 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,000 Speaker 1: to him for two months. And it was good. You know, 334 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 1: I actually see well, you know, I seemed fine, and 335 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,920 Speaker 1: I was fine because there was still a glimmer of hope. 336 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 1: And that's the thing, Like, it wasn't. Yes, I cut 337 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,000 Speaker 1: him off, and yes I blocked him, Yeah, but I 338 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,360 Speaker 1: knew it was only because I was waiting for him. 339 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,840 Speaker 1: You know, I still wanted him to come to my 340 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:26,800 Speaker 1: house and I'm sorry, begged for me back, but realized 341 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,879 Speaker 1: what he lost. You know, I cut him off, and 342 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,879 Speaker 1: I wanted him to realize what he had lost so badly. Yeah, 343 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:37,480 Speaker 1: and it never happened. It happens, It never happens. I've 344 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,440 Speaker 1: done that so many times it never happened. So obviously 345 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: of two months of being like, I'm fine and cool 346 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:46,920 Speaker 1: and getting on with my life, but him never do 347 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:51,880 Speaker 1: you know, never apologizing. I ended up one night drunk 348 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,640 Speaker 1: after a party going back to his and yeah, pretty 349 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,480 Speaker 1: much starting it again. Yeah. Yeah, And that was like 350 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: the second chapter. This was a that was the second 351 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,960 Speaker 1: chapter is yeah, the sequel to it, which essentially was 352 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: just him saying that he was going to commit to 353 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: me this time, which I think do you think he did? 354 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,040 Speaker 1: I don't know, Like at least I didn't know this time, 355 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 1: Like at the time before he told me that he 356 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,720 Speaker 1: was doing these things, and this time I wasn't aware 357 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 1: of them, and I was with him a lot more, 358 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 1: so I don't think so, But again, who fucking knows. 359 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,720 Speaker 1: Who fucking knows anyway, But because he wasn't obviously doing 360 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,480 Speaker 1: it as frequently and we were together a lot more, 361 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,600 Speaker 1: it was a lot more covert then not so overt 362 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,479 Speaker 1: and kind of like, oh, I'm just having sex all 363 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,679 Speaker 1: these women. It was this was when really controlling behaviors 364 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,240 Speaker 1: came the scary behaviors. I would say it wasn't really 365 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,640 Speaker 1: scary before. It was like I'm dealing with a really 366 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,880 Speaker 1: kind of fucked fuck boy. But then it became scary. Yeah, 367 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,000 Speaker 1: that was when I was like, I'm in an abusive relationship. 368 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:50,760 Speaker 1: It wasn't like I was fucking around with this kind 369 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,080 Speaker 1: of toxic fuck boy from you know, exchange ha ha 370 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,600 Speaker 1: ha ha first anythings, This was like real and that's 371 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 1: when I knew I had to actually find get out. 372 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,919 Speaker 1: And some of you don't have to talk about it, 373 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 1: but it was like, um yeah, so um put downs 374 00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 1: like insults or insults. I'm very confident in myself as well, 375 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,440 Speaker 1: and he knew that and so he tried to get 376 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,199 Speaker 1: to me anyways. You know. He would he pinched my 377 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,920 Speaker 1: stomach one days, like you to go for a run. 378 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,960 Speaker 1: I said I was an eight out of ten because 379 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: my butt could be better like shit like that, you know, 380 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,720 Speaker 1: which I actually I didn't ever get to me those 381 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,639 Speaker 1: things because I am really confident and I'm attractive, but 382 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: you know, he still wanted to do it. It's still horrible. 383 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 1: Um what else um oh, behaviors like I wouldn't even 384 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:39,120 Speaker 1: know what I do, like you don't use don't there's 385 00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:41,280 Speaker 1: no logic to it. But he would go for being 386 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,159 Speaker 1: kind of fine and all right, moved to kind of 387 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,040 Speaker 1: shutting down, going into his room, not talking to me, 388 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:52,640 Speaker 1: the silent treatment, really falling stone walling at last week. Yeah, 389 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,359 Speaker 1: he did something really horrible to me, um, and he 390 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 1: told me not to tell my friends about what he did. 391 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:05,360 Speaker 1: And when I was like, you know, fuck you, my life, 392 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:08,200 Speaker 1: I do whatever. You know, I told all my friends, yeah, 393 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,000 Speaker 1: because you would, because I would. And I wasn't, you 394 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:14,240 Speaker 1: know that afraid of him, Like I was like, you know, 395 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,920 Speaker 1: getting there, but I was like, fuck you my friends 396 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,920 Speaker 1: and relationship with my friends, and they still hadn't really 397 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: lied to them much about me being with him. They 398 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,880 Speaker 1: all knew that I was still with him. But when 399 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 1: he found out that I told my friends, oh my god, 400 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:34,600 Speaker 1: like complete just like nothing like silence. Um. I was 401 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,359 Speaker 1: like walking in the street with him, like begging him 402 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,680 Speaker 1: to talk to me like anything. I was like, let's 403 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,600 Speaker 1: just discuss this, talk through this like a normal people 404 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,440 Speaker 1: will try to be nothing. Looked at me dead in 405 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,639 Speaker 1: the face when I was like fucking begging him. The 406 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,400 Speaker 1: ddle of the street and just kept walking nothing like 407 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,880 Speaker 1: two days. So manipulative. So just like also the fact 408 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: that he's like now, like what the fuck. It's like 409 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,240 Speaker 1: he can do whatever he wants, like he can bring 410 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,919 Speaker 1: back girls to his house, and like he can like 411 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,000 Speaker 1: do things to you. But as soon as you like access, 412 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:09,760 Speaker 1: I know yours, you stand in your power, that's then 413 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,640 Speaker 1: it flies off. And there was also like so for instance, 414 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 1: this is when I started kind of realizing the kind 415 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 1: of personality had as well. He told me that he 416 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:21,160 Speaker 1: didn't feel love or hate really, he said he kind 417 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,800 Speaker 1: of never felt much and kind of operate an autopilot. 418 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,320 Speaker 1: So he literally was like I don't know how to 419 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,760 Speaker 1: pretty much. Yeah, And I was like sorry, what yeah, 420 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 1: because like before I was really like educated myself. You 421 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:38,040 Speaker 1: know this kind of person which is literally they literally 422 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:43,960 Speaker 1: even anything, it's just kind of it's only thing essentially. Yeah, 423 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: So it was shocking to grab my head around, like 424 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,720 Speaker 1: what do you mean You're on auto pilot and I 425 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 1: can't just throw float through the motions of life, like 426 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,040 Speaker 1: I would never feel love for you pretty much. It 427 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: was like I can't love you, I never will and 428 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 1: I never like feel this, And I was like that's 429 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,720 Speaker 1: what Yeah, you're like. I was like, what do you mean, 430 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,119 Speaker 1: Like you have to write you're a person? Yeah, you 431 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,399 Speaker 1: have to love someone and you have to love something, 432 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:11,399 Speaker 1: so I thought, um, and so anyway he never told me, 433 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,159 Speaker 1: well he actually did, so he was falling in love 434 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,120 Speaker 1: with me rather start of the relationship. But anyway, yeah, anyway, 435 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,280 Speaker 1: he was like, you know, I got love for you, 436 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,600 Speaker 1: but I'm not in love with you, is what he'd say. 437 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,880 Speaker 1: So and I even just accepted that. I even still 438 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,879 Speaker 1: just I honestly like accepted that. Great. Yeah, and I 439 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 1: was like, oh, brilliant. And then one day, um, he oh, 440 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,159 Speaker 1: when I had started in mentally kind of preparing to 441 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,679 Speaker 1: break it off, When I started mentally kind of detaching myself, 442 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:42,199 Speaker 1: this point, you were like quite afraid. Yeah, yeah yeah. 443 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,160 Speaker 1: At this point, this was like a couple months before 444 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 1: I did properly ended. I was starting to mentally prepare myself. 445 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 1: You know, you really have to do the mental game, 446 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,040 Speaker 1: preparing the mental game before you actually do it. You 447 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 1: have to really start detaching yourself emotionally, which is what 448 00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 1: I started doing. And God, they can funking sense it 449 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,679 Speaker 1: really instantly. Really, there's something they can read people and 450 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 1: that's why they can read people so well, just any things. 451 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 1: In my behavior, I wasn't as affected by what he said. 452 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,160 Speaker 1: I wasn't really bollowed by his presence so much. I'm 453 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,520 Speaker 1: just hanging out, and I started being a bit more 454 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,320 Speaker 1: like my normal self around and not so invested and 455 00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:21,159 Speaker 1: so worried about what he was doing to me and 456 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,920 Speaker 1: what he was doing around me. It was very started detaching, 457 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 1: and the second I did that, I knew he could 458 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: sense it, because he then brought me upstairs and told 459 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:36,040 Speaker 1: me he loved me, which is what I'd been hoping 460 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:40,160 Speaker 1: for for the whole time. Right, Yeah, so me stupidly 461 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,520 Speaker 1: not stupid. I shouldn't say I'm stupid, but you know, sillily, 462 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,960 Speaker 1: when I started detaching, it was only like a tiny 463 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 1: bit that I started, so when he said that, bounce 464 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:51,040 Speaker 1: right back in. Yeah, oh my god, he said he 465 00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 1: loved me. Oh my god. Finally it worked. I made 466 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:58,000 Speaker 1: him love me. Yeah, I made him realize. But obviously, 467 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,760 Speaker 1: because I'm not stupid, I still to turn around to 468 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 1: him and say, you told me three days ago that 469 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,639 Speaker 1: you cannot love and you will never feel love, so 470 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: why are you suddenly? And this was literally it was 471 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:12,760 Speaker 1: three days before that, Why are you suddenly telling me 472 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,159 Speaker 1: that you love me now? Yeah? And he looked at 473 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:19,960 Speaker 1: me and said watch yourself, and he said, don't push it. 474 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:27,000 Speaker 1: Oh my god, Oh my god, don't push it, and 475 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 1: then ignored me for three days, literally ignored me for 476 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:33,679 Speaker 1: then I love you, Yeah, ignored me nothing. I literally 477 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,200 Speaker 1: thought he was like dead or something because he just 478 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,239 Speaker 1: cut it off. Oh my god, And I was like 479 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,920 Speaker 1: three king Oul was beside myself. I was like, holy 480 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: fucking shit, like is he okay? Like he haven't heard 481 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,000 Speaker 1: from him at all, and he's just probably just like 482 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,840 Speaker 1: oh just so I was so beside myself that my 483 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,879 Speaker 1: mom and like my friends will like go to his 484 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,919 Speaker 1: house because even message and then I messaged his housemate 485 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,720 Speaker 1: being like have you seen him? Like he was like, yeah, 486 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,200 Speaker 1: he's around, and I was like, right, that's it. I 487 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,760 Speaker 1: went to his house and like beside myself and he 488 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: just is like coming back from playing basketball and being 489 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,640 Speaker 1: like what are you doing? And I was like you, 490 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 1: what the fuck? Why you haven't heard from you? Like 491 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,560 Speaker 1: why are you suddenly like three days? And he was like, oh, 492 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: I just needed to have some alone time. Yeah, Like yeah, no, 493 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,439 Speaker 1: And obviously it wasn't because of that. Now I realized 494 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,600 Speaker 1: it was because I questioned him. And when you question, 495 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: you know, narsis so so past. What do you want 496 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,480 Speaker 1: to call them? Yeah, when you question them on their 497 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:39,960 Speaker 1: behaviors boom, like yeah, anyway, and then what happened after that? 498 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,760 Speaker 1: And then you end up? Um, I ended up just 499 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 1: getting more and more anxious around him. Really it was 500 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 1: more my body, my body's response to him, because I 501 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:52,040 Speaker 1: just yeah, it was just a complete shit show, and 502 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,640 Speaker 1: I ended up just getting anxious. And then I went 503 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,199 Speaker 1: overseas with my friends for a week kind of just 504 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:03,640 Speaker 1: like yeah, obviously reset, I guess my body, you know reset. 505 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,160 Speaker 1: I had honestly not spent much more than a few 506 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,680 Speaker 1: days away from him in like a three month period. Yeah, 507 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,119 Speaker 1: so kind of like yeah, getting myself away from that 508 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,640 Speaker 1: space and just hanging out with my friends, yeah kind 509 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,560 Speaker 1: of really just like I was like I could breathe, 510 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,879 Speaker 1: So everything reset for a little bit. And the moment 511 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:25,680 Speaker 1: I went back to him and you know, back from overseas, um, 512 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,320 Speaker 1: that was it. I freaked, Like my body just freaked out, 513 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 1: Like I couldn't be next to him without feeling like 514 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,440 Speaker 1: I was going to be a panic attack. My anxiety 515 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 1: was through the roof. Yeah, Like I just couldn't sit 516 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 1: with him. I couldn't be with him, and I thought, 517 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,560 Speaker 1: you know, initially I was like whoa, like is this me? 518 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,880 Speaker 1: Like I was just kind of like I can't. I'm 519 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:45,400 Speaker 1: so anxious. And so I went and saw a psychologist. 520 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,959 Speaker 1: Hum and I was like, you know, I'm so anxious 521 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,960 Speaker 1: around my boyfriend. Don't know what's happening to me. And 522 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,119 Speaker 1: she was like, okay, like explain kind of just your 523 00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:58,639 Speaker 1: relationship a little bit. It's been going on. I talked 524 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,679 Speaker 1: for like a minute or true. Yeah, and she just 525 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,440 Speaker 1: was like I just could tell she was like a 526 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:09,040 Speaker 1: own boy and a professional. Yeah. Man. She just said, look, 527 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:12,040 Speaker 1: I have a hypothesis and he's a narcissist. You know, 528 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,399 Speaker 1: this is a personality disorder. It's not my client, but 529 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:19,359 Speaker 1: a hypothesize that he is. And like, so as you, like, 530 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:23,680 Speaker 1: we both studied psychology, and like, you don't normally diagnose 531 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 1: someone from someone else's assess you die. It's like pretty 532 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,199 Speaker 1: much just not it's pretty much you don't do it. 533 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,239 Speaker 1: You're loaded ethics. Yeah, like you can't. So it's like 534 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:38,720 Speaker 1: you have to be so pretty fucking like scared for 535 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,920 Speaker 1: also my well being to actually say something like no, 536 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: like really clearly because yeah, and normally six I've never 537 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,800 Speaker 1: had a science since that's been quite so like direct. 538 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,080 Speaker 1: But she anyway, it's also the situation, I think, She like, 539 00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,800 Speaker 1: you're actually like in danger here, like this person is 540 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 1: like jeopardizing your physical and your mental health. Yeah, you are, 541 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:03,240 Speaker 1: like it's not good, yeah exactly. So yeah, so she said, 542 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,639 Speaker 1: you know, I have a hypothesis that he's an arcissist, 543 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,720 Speaker 1: and she very clearly goes, you have two options in 544 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:11,800 Speaker 1: this situation. One, this is your life. You stay with him, 545 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,560 Speaker 1: and this is your life. He's not going to change 546 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:17,159 Speaker 1: except it right now. No change. This is him, this 547 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,440 Speaker 1: is how it is. You stay, this is your life too. 548 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,919 Speaker 1: You leave. That's it. There's no in between, there's no 549 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 1: in between. This is your life. Or you like yeah, leave, 550 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: you make a decision and you like leave and that 551 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:32,080 Speaker 1: literally I remember you tell you saying that to me, 552 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: and like the other day and like I was thinking 553 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,840 Speaker 1: about a situation I'm currently in and I'm like, wow, 554 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,960 Speaker 1: like either I keep entertaining this person and like just 555 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:46,160 Speaker 1: feel awful about myself all the time and like constantly 556 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,880 Speaker 1: like in a state of anxiety survival basically like oh 557 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:52,400 Speaker 1: my god, Like, how can I just want to be 558 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 1: with you so much? And you obviously don't even give 559 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,480 Speaker 1: a shit about me? Yeah, And I was like, either 560 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,719 Speaker 1: I keep this up or I just like I let 561 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,040 Speaker 1: it go. And I like you said that to me, 562 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,840 Speaker 1: and I don't. This relationship obviously isn't like a beautiful 563 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,040 Speaker 1: it's a little bit a little bit toxic. Yeah, but 564 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 1: it's not like to this degree. And yeah, it was 565 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 1: like you said that to me and I was like fuck, 566 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,040 Speaker 1: like wow, like it's my decision, like yeah, like it 567 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,480 Speaker 1: really puts the control, yeah, because the whole time, the 568 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 1: control is not with you. The control's not with you. 569 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,720 Speaker 1: Everything is with them because you did because they know, like, yeah, 570 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,200 Speaker 1: this person isn't like this, like not at all. But 571 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:30,560 Speaker 1: like I think when you're the one who loves that 572 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: other person more like you're never gonna be like I 573 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:37,920 Speaker 1: want to stop seeing Yeah. Yeah, well because you're not 574 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 1: ending it because the lover is gone or kind of 575 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:42,720 Speaker 1: just fizzled out, or you're doing different things like you're 576 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,200 Speaker 1: ending it because it's not health if you and the 577 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 1: like and yeah, for the for the stage of life, 578 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,840 Speaker 1: that you're in either no just e. Well but yeah, yeah, 579 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,320 Speaker 1: well especially when I had the biggest semester of UNI. 580 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:57,560 Speaker 1: Yeah like yeah, yeah, but you did it, you I 581 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 1: do so, like yeah, I started breaking away and yeah, 582 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:06,880 Speaker 1: I pretty much I started UNI that weekum, and I 583 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:08,920 Speaker 1: had a very busy semester coming up, and I knew that, 584 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,160 Speaker 1: and I just was very anxious and I just had 585 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,680 Speaker 1: to like put it in. I had to say, like 586 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:15,640 Speaker 1: I'm ending this and I had to stick to it 587 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,240 Speaker 1: and I had to just block him. And that's really 588 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 1: like but then he started, yeah showing up at your part. Yeah, sorry, 589 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:26,200 Speaker 1: it doesn't it doesn't end there, Like you have to 590 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:30,160 Speaker 1: really you have to be so like strong to stick 591 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 1: with yourself, I think. And you know, I did go 592 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 1: back like once, you know, then you go back a 593 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:36,520 Speaker 1: little bit at the start you ended, and then I 594 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:38,360 Speaker 1: think it's up together like a couple of times. But 595 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:42,720 Speaker 1: it was really my body and the anxiety stopped me. 596 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:45,160 Speaker 1: It really was. It wasn't my like mental state one 597 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:49,360 Speaker 1: hundred percent, but my body could not handle his presence. 598 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:52,680 Speaker 1: My brain was like danger. It was like a fucking 599 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,960 Speaker 1: alarm going off in my body. And honestly was like 600 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,160 Speaker 1: I couldn't like the anxiety that I experienced being in 601 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,680 Speaker 1: the presence and anything else to do with him. It 602 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,640 Speaker 1: was like so severe that I had to just not 603 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:05,560 Speaker 1: see him, like it really was. That was my only choice. 604 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:07,720 Speaker 1: So it was good in that sense, like that's when 605 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:09,719 Speaker 1: the body really knows. Yeah, I think it's when it's 606 00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:14,200 Speaker 1: really poured until this into your body, like the biofeedback. Yeah, yeah, 607 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:19,240 Speaker 1: obviously it's like that feedback loop everything and yeah. But yeah, 608 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: but then yeah, obviously because I had obviously tried to 609 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,680 Speaker 1: end it a lot throughout like this almost year period, 610 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:27,280 Speaker 1: he knew that. He knew I'd said this is done 611 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:29,640 Speaker 1: and gone back, and so he thought this was just 612 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:32,080 Speaker 1: another one of those instances. I was like, oh, yeah, okay, 613 00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:33,720 Speaker 1: I'll give you a bit of space and then come 614 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:35,440 Speaker 1: on back and we'll have the same chat and we'll 615 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,960 Speaker 1: go back straight in. But the only thing to calm 616 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,560 Speaker 1: down my anxiety was completely detached and to try and 617 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:43,600 Speaker 1: mentally detached from him. Yeah as well. So he tried 618 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,440 Speaker 1: to do this big grand gesture like a few weeks 619 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,760 Speaker 1: after I'd ended it, which is typical. Typical, this is 620 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:54,280 Speaker 1: the love bombing. This is love bombing. Everyone bomb probably 621 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:57,360 Speaker 1: see it on Instagram a lot. But yeah, it's serious. 622 00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,640 Speaker 1: It's a serious thing that they do to get you 623 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 1: back or in or they do it at the start 624 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 1: a lot. But also this is at the end. It 625 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:07,880 Speaker 1: could happen anytime. But um, so he gave me kind 626 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,960 Speaker 1: of so throughout our year kind of together. He had 627 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,520 Speaker 1: sold my twenty first birthday presents. He you know, the 628 00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:15,920 Speaker 1: things I asked for for Time's which literally one rose 629 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 1: he didn't get for me. So he had never got 630 00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,360 Speaker 1: me anything basically, and so all at once he brought 631 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,240 Speaker 1: me all the kind of gifts and things that I'd 632 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,800 Speaker 1: requested throughout the year at once, like in my room. 633 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:28,240 Speaker 1: It set it up and was like Tatar basically like 634 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:32,720 Speaker 1: look what I've done. Ready, ready to take me back? 635 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:35,000 Speaker 1: And I just like stood there and I just I 636 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:38,520 Speaker 1: couldn't even entertain the idea anymore. I'm freaking freak out. 637 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:42,920 Speaker 1: So I was like no, and I was like, you know, 638 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,320 Speaker 1: I just said to him, sit down, and it was 639 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,760 Speaker 1: very like sternly it kind of said, this was Nick 640 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,880 Speaker 1: never what I wanted. Obviously, yes I wanted these gifts, 641 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:53,680 Speaker 1: and that's nice. It would have been great, It would 642 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,200 Speaker 1: be great. It would have been nice, you know, to 643 00:32:55,280 --> 00:33:00,959 Speaker 1: feel of love. But yeah, when you were doing so 644 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,800 Speaker 1: much for him. Yeah, but it's not about obviously, it's 645 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:06,840 Speaker 1: not about the material items. So I was like, this 646 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,840 Speaker 1: is not it, this is never, this was never what 647 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,080 Speaker 1: it was about. This is never this material staff, which 648 00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:13,720 Speaker 1: is obviously the only thing I can really relate to 649 00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,640 Speaker 1: these people as well. Yeah, a lot of it's material 650 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: stuff because they don't know anything about their emotions. Yeah, 651 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:20,760 Speaker 1: but I like sat down. I was like, all I 652 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:27,720 Speaker 1: ever wanted was stability and consistency, simple, healthy, stable, consistent relationship. 653 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,160 Speaker 1: That's all I ever wanted. It's all ever asked of you. 654 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,480 Speaker 1: And I was like his face was like perplexed, Like 655 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,200 Speaker 1: when you said this to me, you were like when 656 00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:38,520 Speaker 1: you call out, when you when you tell them no, 657 00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:41,560 Speaker 1: when you just tell them no and you're really you 658 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,520 Speaker 1: have it's like unemotional as well. They can't understand, like 659 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:47,320 Speaker 1: they're really thrown off. And it's kind of in a 660 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,480 Speaker 1: way kind of funny, like seeing him the first time 661 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:52,040 Speaker 1: not in control because their control is back with you. 662 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:55,320 Speaker 1: You see, when you take the control back from them 663 00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:57,840 Speaker 1: and put it within yourself and actually make choices and 664 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:02,640 Speaker 1: say no, and you know, they're like what, like what 665 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:06,080 Speaker 1: do you mean, Like, yeah, you're saying no to me, 666 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,920 Speaker 1: Like it's yeah, it's they just don't understand because it's 667 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:12,280 Speaker 1: like they never can compute what they really did. It's yeah, weird, 668 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,120 Speaker 1: but yeah, so I just kind of kept saying no, 669 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,239 Speaker 1: and you know, he did try a few times. He 670 00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:18,879 Speaker 1: kept turning from my house. You even tried to break 671 00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,040 Speaker 1: into my house at one point, lie to my housemates 672 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:23,239 Speaker 1: saying we're all in contact, saying I was home when 673 00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:26,000 Speaker 1: I wasn't home, but he will come in, which is 674 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:31,800 Speaker 1: the lying and like that people, Yeah, just like trying 675 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:34,319 Speaker 1: to get whatever he could to get. I mean, the 676 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:37,520 Speaker 1: answer was constantly no, And that's really what you have 677 00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:40,719 Speaker 1: to do. You just have to break it off. Yeah, 678 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,200 Speaker 1: and it's really it's easier said than done. Yeah, like 679 00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:44,600 Speaker 1: yes I did it. I have a bit of a 680 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:49,200 Speaker 1: chokehold on you. But yeah, the emotions, but like the 681 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,680 Speaker 1: first three months that I would say it didn't pretty 682 00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:53,319 Speaker 1: much there the first three months with the entire first 683 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:56,400 Speaker 1: semester of UNI, even though while I was doing Union 684 00:34:56,840 --> 00:35:00,520 Speaker 1: surviving as a matter, like, my emotions were all over 685 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:03,279 Speaker 1: the place. God, it's like going not that I've ever 686 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,359 Speaker 1: done hard drugs. I'm being a rug, but I would 687 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:08,480 Speaker 1: imagine it's like going cold turkey. Yeah it is, though, 688 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:11,359 Speaker 1: it is because it's an addiction in the brain, and 689 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:17,279 Speaker 1: it's like cutting off, yeah, a source over, Yeah it is. 690 00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:20,399 Speaker 1: It's cutting off a huge source of Also, like it's 691 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,920 Speaker 1: cutting off a source of like norphnepherin, and like you're 692 00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:26,279 Speaker 1: stress and those are like quite addictive to your brain. 693 00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:28,640 Speaker 1: It's like why people take a lot of risks and 694 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:31,759 Speaker 1: why yea do things like that. And so when your 695 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:35,359 Speaker 1: brain it's like all of your neurotransperencent hormones have been 696 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:38,319 Speaker 1: in this state of heightened arousal and now you're like 697 00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:41,320 Speaker 1: you're crashing exactly. And because when you're in this situation, 698 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:45,640 Speaker 1: your these hormones and your emotions are so tied to 699 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,960 Speaker 1: the person and what they do to you, Like they 700 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,880 Speaker 1: will you know, you'll get euphoric. You'll get these amazing 701 00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:53,680 Speaker 1: euphoric highs when they give you some crumbs of good 702 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:56,520 Speaker 1: behavior them they are in a good mood, you will 703 00:35:56,600 --> 00:36:00,359 Speaker 1: be euphoric and it's amazing. And that's but they something 704 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:02,719 Speaker 1: bad and you'll come crashing down like the biggest low. 705 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,600 Speaker 1: And so It's like when your emotions are so up 706 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,440 Speaker 1: and down based on this other person and they're being 707 00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:13,000 Speaker 1: regulated only in this way. When you cut off that source, 708 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,600 Speaker 1: they have nothing to respond to anymore. They don't have 709 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:17,600 Speaker 1: that stimulus. They're trying to still go up, They're trying 710 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:19,719 Speaker 1: to still go down. Yeah, but when you don't have 711 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,520 Speaker 1: that response, and when you're not fighting against something you 712 00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:24,160 Speaker 1: can only think you're really doing, is just kind of 713 00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,480 Speaker 1: cry and be a mess, Like, yeah, there's nothing to 714 00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:30,600 Speaker 1: respond to, but they're still wanting to. That's what I had, like, yeah, 715 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:33,600 Speaker 1: with this other person where it was like not that. 716 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,160 Speaker 1: I think one of the disclaimers we wanted to give 717 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,560 Speaker 1: is like I think two people can be toxic for 718 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:43,360 Speaker 1: each other but aren't necessarily bad people. And it doesn't 719 00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:46,120 Speaker 1: mean that like your experience was any less valid because 720 00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:49,240 Speaker 1: this person, you know, everyone else thinks they're pretty lovely. 721 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,600 Speaker 1: But like there's a difference I think between a toxic 722 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:55,400 Speaker 1: relationship with one that's abusive and the type of character 723 00:36:55,440 --> 00:37:01,399 Speaker 1: that Cloudy is talking about, which is like diagnosably sociopathic, narcissistic. Yeah, 724 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:04,399 Speaker 1: but I think toxic relationships can happen between any two 725 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:08,279 Speaker 1: and my toxic relationship where two people I just do 726 00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:11,600 Speaker 1: not have this personal yeah, you know, and I still 727 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:14,160 Speaker 1: think it's like completely like an experience that is like 728 00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:17,720 Speaker 1: quite traumatizing. Like yeah, like there was this one person 729 00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:22,200 Speaker 1: I was like seeing and like it was it was 730 00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:25,759 Speaker 1: just that anxiety you talk about. It's just so I 731 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,760 Speaker 1: can just remember it. Yeah, I was just constantly anxious. 732 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:32,120 Speaker 1: I was constantly waiting for him to, yeah, you appreciate 733 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,360 Speaker 1: me and like, and he would say things to me 734 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:38,440 Speaker 1: all the time that would just like shoot me down. Yeah, 735 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 1: I don't. Like one time he was like, oh, I 736 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: would never like properly date you because you're not pure enough. Yeah, 737 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:46,760 Speaker 1: I think I told you about it told me about 738 00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,400 Speaker 1: and I was like and then but then you know 739 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:52,000 Speaker 1: the next day he'd be like, oh my god, like 740 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:53,880 Speaker 1: I've had all of these amazing thoughts and I just 741 00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:55,719 Speaker 1: need to share them with you. And I was like, 742 00:37:56,080 --> 00:38:00,000 Speaker 1: what the for me, it's the biggest fuck around. Yeah, 743 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,480 Speaker 1: it's yeah, and it's like I don't think that person 744 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:06,239 Speaker 1: is a bad person, but like the trauma of it, like, yeah, well, 745 00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:09,160 Speaker 1: sometimes this is another thing that I read or got told. 746 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,920 Speaker 1: I don't know what it was, but sometimes the person 747 00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:14,239 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be bad, but their behavior is yeah, 748 00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:17,000 Speaker 1: and that's still what you're responding to. And like, in 749 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,160 Speaker 1: that situation, that person was young, and yeah, I'm sure 750 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:22,839 Speaker 1: they're different now, but like, oh, some of the other 751 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,799 Speaker 1: things that happened, yeah, that's still inexcusable. Yeah, and still 752 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:27,520 Speaker 1: there was a lot of other things where I was like, 753 00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:30,520 Speaker 1: he was like, don't tell anyone about this, and then yeah, 754 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:32,319 Speaker 1: and I was like, well, now I feel like we're 755 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:34,839 Speaker 1: accomplices in this thing, but actually I'm the only one 756 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:37,400 Speaker 1: if it's like burden By, like yeah, and it was 757 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,799 Speaker 1: just so and it like it took me, like I'm 758 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,440 Speaker 1: sure you can speak to this, but like months, yea months. 759 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:45,440 Speaker 1: I don't think I got over it until like a 760 00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:48,239 Speaker 1: couple of years ago. I don't think like with like 761 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:50,759 Speaker 1: my experience, it's not something I think I will ever 762 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:53,440 Speaker 1: just know. It was so traumatized. It's not something like 763 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,319 Speaker 1: it's always going to be there now, it's always in 764 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,120 Speaker 1: some ways, it's been good in some ways. I can 765 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,520 Speaker 1: detect when I dated since it's like, yeah, very fast 766 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:04,680 Speaker 1: when someone's not good. I can detect very fast when 767 00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:06,960 Speaker 1: a behavior it's just not okay or not right for 768 00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,440 Speaker 1: me or when someone's just not right for me. And 769 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,480 Speaker 1: but in other ways, like even now I'm like a 770 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:15,640 Speaker 1: lovely with someone lovely, very healthy relationship, but anything that 771 00:39:15,760 --> 00:39:18,359 Speaker 1: kind of the tiniest thing that could be to the contrary. Yeah, 772 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,520 Speaker 1: and there's like a switch. There's like I will get 773 00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,280 Speaker 1: into get back back into the defensive mode very like easily. 774 00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:25,400 Speaker 1: So it's something that you're like, it's still going you know, 775 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,200 Speaker 1: this was three years. Yeah, and it's like it like 776 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,040 Speaker 1: fully changes the structure. It does when someone treats you 777 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:33,839 Speaker 1: that way. It does. And like the other thing, I like, 778 00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:36,400 Speaker 1: I don't know if you've if you have the same feeling, 779 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,080 Speaker 1: Like I haven't really gone I think into this as much. 780 00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:42,680 Speaker 1: But like the thing I sometimes like sit up late 781 00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:44,839 Speaker 1: at night thinking about is like I let someone treat 782 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:46,920 Speaker 1: me that way. That was how I felt like the 783 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,600 Speaker 1: first year, like that entire year that I had first 784 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:53,560 Speaker 1: broke it off. Now I'm like I kind of accepted 785 00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:56,920 Speaker 1: there was a first apart was accepting that's his personality, 786 00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:58,600 Speaker 1: that's how he is. I have to go through that. 787 00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:00,480 Speaker 1: Once I got through that and is ex did that's 788 00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,560 Speaker 1: the kind of person he is? Yeah? Yeah, then the 789 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:05,440 Speaker 1: girl goes to you then the kind of anger kind 790 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,200 Speaker 1: of switches and it goes, what the fuck? And I 791 00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:12,200 Speaker 1: remember this so vividly. It's so I remember this so 792 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:15,600 Speaker 1: vividly because um, there was a part a point where 793 00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:17,440 Speaker 1: we did talk again for a bit, I unblocked in. 794 00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:21,160 Speaker 1: We talked again. He invited me out to a concert 795 00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,960 Speaker 1: or whatever. Initially I agree to it, got really really 796 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:27,759 Speaker 1: anxious again, and then I like came home like an 797 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:31,400 Speaker 1: hour or two before the concert just like started bawling 798 00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,759 Speaker 1: my eyes out, like all the lights off in my room, 799 00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:36,400 Speaker 1: the blanket over me, lying in my bed, just thinking 800 00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:39,839 Speaker 1: over and over the like how what am I doing? Like? 801 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:41,879 Speaker 1: How did I let someone treat me like this? Why 802 00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:44,000 Speaker 1: am I still agreeing to this? Why did I agree 803 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:46,480 Speaker 1: to this? And being like oh my god, like what's 804 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:48,759 Speaker 1: going to happen? If I go like, am I really 805 00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:50,359 Speaker 1: doing this? Then I was like what am I doing? 806 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:51,960 Speaker 1: And I just start myself like thank God? I was like, 807 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,120 Speaker 1: what the I have a choice here? That's the thing. 808 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:57,400 Speaker 1: You didn't feel like, Yeah, I'm like, oh I have to. 809 00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,560 Speaker 1: I said yes, I always gonna be so angry if 810 00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:02,520 Speaker 1: I stayed. Who cares? I was like, get a grip. Yeah, 811 00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,480 Speaker 1: I like honestly obviously terrile situation. I was like I 812 00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:09,400 Speaker 1: just had to be like, get a fucking grip. Look 813 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,879 Speaker 1: at you, Look at what you look at you? All 814 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,440 Speaker 1: your eyes out in bed with all your lights off. Yeah, like, 815 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,120 Speaker 1: go to grip. I was went to my mom's that 816 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:17,480 Speaker 1: weekend and I was like, why would you lie to 817 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,399 Speaker 1: your mom and blow off your mom for this man? 818 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:23,640 Speaker 1: This person? Yeah, I was like no, sorry. I was like, 819 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:25,640 Speaker 1: you know, I've packed up all my things. We went 820 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:27,320 Speaker 1: to the train to my mom's. Yeah, and just was 821 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,840 Speaker 1: like I can't do it, not going, not going Obviously 822 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:32,400 Speaker 1: he called angry and I was like, too bad. I 823 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:35,200 Speaker 1: don't have too bad. I was like, too fucking bad. 824 00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,080 Speaker 1: But yeah, that was like one of the times I 825 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,200 Speaker 1: remember a lot of the times, like in the aftermath 826 00:41:39,239 --> 00:41:41,279 Speaker 1: and just healing, and even now sometimes you know, you 827 00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:43,480 Speaker 1: still kind of go back and you're like, how the 828 00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:47,279 Speaker 1: fuck did I let someone treatment? Because like from as 829 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,560 Speaker 1: well for me, like yeah, like this could happen to anyone. 830 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,799 Speaker 1: And I've in realizing that like I am, and I've 831 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:57,200 Speaker 1: always been very strong, very independent, very confident in myself. Yeah, 832 00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:00,200 Speaker 1: I've never kind of been anyone who's I'm sure really 833 00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:03,440 Speaker 1: of themselves or has a lot of insecurities. Yeah, So 834 00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:07,520 Speaker 1: to kind of be like, what the fuck? How how 835 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:09,160 Speaker 1: did I go from kind of the girl in high 836 00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:12,440 Speaker 1: school rejecting every single man, I mean, like not not interested, 837 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:16,120 Speaker 1: fuck you all, to fucking like this to literally being 838 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:19,959 Speaker 1: on my knees begging and crying for some person. That's 839 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,439 Speaker 1: the thing. It's like two ships, yeah, because I find 840 00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:24,759 Speaker 1: this it's like with my friends and like when I'm 841 00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:28,359 Speaker 1: out or when I'm like alone, I'm like, wow, I'm 842 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,839 Speaker 1: genuinely like the best person in the world. Yeah, And 843 00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,239 Speaker 1: I'm like and I like even last night, I was 844 00:42:34,239 --> 00:42:36,879 Speaker 1: like lying in bed and it's like then you I'm 845 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,000 Speaker 1: just like, how did I I don't know. We just 846 00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:40,920 Speaker 1: keep saying this, but I just think about it a lot. 847 00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:44,400 Speaker 1: But then obviously it's good like learning about yeah, you know, 848 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,600 Speaker 1: obviously the science behind it, which really well, I think 849 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:49,400 Speaker 1: we're gonna go into that in the second part of 850 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:52,480 Speaker 1: this episode, which will probably publish on it like two 851 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:56,600 Speaker 1: different ones like yeah, so, um yeah, should we go 852 00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:59,080 Speaker 1: into the science something? Yeah? So yeah, pretty much the 853 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:01,919 Speaker 1: question we asked ourselves for a long time, like still, 854 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:05,600 Speaker 1: how ye did we end up in this, in this, yeah,