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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from

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Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will

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Speaker 1: enlighten and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear

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Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.

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Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and

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Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only hold

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Speaker 1: me down, don't hold me up. Merchants now enveloped on

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Speaker 1: the site as well as my book list, so please

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Speaker 1: make sure you visit the link in the show notes below.

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Speaker 1: You can connect with the kids on Instagram at the

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast. If you

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Speaker 1: are on Twitter, please follow me at the PhD podcast now.

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Speaker 1: If you are all caught up with episode, listen to

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Speaker 1: the bonus episodes by supporting the PSG podcast Patreon account.

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Speaker 1: To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward

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Speaker 1: slash the PSG podcast now. Please keep in mind that

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Speaker 1: all of my guests are nonnes so let's again this

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Speaker 1: week's episode. So I am super excited to speak to

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Speaker 1: my guests today who I met through Instagram and we've

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Speaker 1: been supporting each other ever since. So I really appreciate

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Speaker 1: you sharing your story on my show. Thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: So how are you doing? I'm good? How are you?

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Speaker 1: I'm good and good y'all? She in l A. So

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Speaker 1: she got our time. It's them there midnight early, go

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Speaker 1: over here, I said, girl, you know it is past

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Speaker 1: my bedtime. So we officially met in person l A a

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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago, and I was super excited

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Speaker 1: to finally meet you. Were you're excited to meet me?

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Speaker 1: I was super excited. I was like, I never First

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Speaker 1: of all, I never go anywhere um, to be honest,

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Speaker 1: like if it's not like occupationally, like you know, well

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Speaker 1: this is kind of around the same lines, but not really.

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Speaker 1: I felt like I was just going to meet you

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Speaker 1: and just have brunch and like doing a girlfriend thing,

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Speaker 1: you know what. I'm like, it was cute. It was

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Speaker 1: like a reality show. I was like, finally, finally I'm

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Speaker 1: doing them. Bit just brunched so much. I'm like, I

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Speaker 1: just want to brunch with a bit, right, And so

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Speaker 1: I felt good to brunch with you. Yeah, yeah, super cute.

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Speaker 1: So during our lunch, we talked about a lot of things,

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Speaker 1: and you begin to share your story root me on

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Speaker 1: being molested by one of your older brothers. And I

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Speaker 1: don't remember how we got on the topic, but I

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Speaker 1: was just like, wait, what happened. So before we get

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Speaker 1: into your story, I want to get your opinion on

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Speaker 1: some things first. Mm hmm. Do you feel like siblings

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Speaker 1: sexual abuse is often less discussed than any other types

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Speaker 1: of family balance And if so, why you know, Like,

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Speaker 1: I really couldn't answer that, because I don't know what's

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Speaker 1: going on in everybody's family, you know what I'm saying, Like,

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Speaker 1: and I know a lot of I know a lot

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Speaker 1: of girls who have been touched by like their stepfathers

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Speaker 1: like that, But you rarely hear anyone to talk about

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Speaker 1: being touched by their actual father. But you know that

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Speaker 1: that happens as well, So but that's more hidden, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So I think, like step stepbrothers, stepsisters,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like aunts, uncles, I think

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Speaker 1: people a little bit more open about talking about sexual abuse.

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Speaker 1: But when it's in the main family, I think people

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Speaker 1: are a little less likely to talk about it openly,

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Speaker 1: right because it's embarrassed. Yeah, definitely, in a a shame and

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Speaker 1: the guilt. Mm hmm. Yeah, what would you say are

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Speaker 1: some signs of UM sexual abuse and siblings? I don't,

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Speaker 1: you know, Like I wish I was like well versed

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Speaker 1: in that because I'm still like deep in the trauma

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Speaker 1: of it. Like I'm a grown ass woman, still deep

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Speaker 1: in the trauma, you know, trying to fight off alcoholism

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Speaker 1: and all kinds of stuff. So as far as the signs, like,

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Speaker 1: I really wouldn't know, UM, but it has kept me.

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Speaker 1: I would say it has kept me from having my

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Speaker 1: own children, UM, because I'm I don't feel like I'm

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Speaker 1: well balanced enough. I'm such a millennial. Millennials were so

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Speaker 1: much smarter than our parents, Like are you know the

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Speaker 1: generation before us was like have about funked up? Let

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Speaker 1: me have a may that six or seven fuck them

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Speaker 1: up too. I don't know, I just want to see

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Speaker 1: a thing that looks like me. So like I just

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Speaker 1: feel like definitely don't want to like have kids and

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Speaker 1: have this in mean where I think like just because

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Speaker 1: I put them in the same room, like something's gonna happen,

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Speaker 1: or I'm thinking something is happening, Like I don't want

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Speaker 1: to put them in that situation or myself in that situation,

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Speaker 1: you know. So the signs are like the signs for

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Speaker 1: like having trauma and stuff like that. Like I think

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Speaker 1: I should leave that up to doctors and people who

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Speaker 1: really can see what's going on there because I just

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Speaker 1: got into doing therapy. I just start taking medication for

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Speaker 1: you know, um, for some really bad anxiety that like

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Speaker 1: left me, you know, unable to like even drive a

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Speaker 1: car or just like live a normal fucking life, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So I couldn't tell you the signs,

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Speaker 1: but just for that ship, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: If you're a parent, look for that. Look for that,

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Speaker 1: don't ignore it, and don't act like your son is

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Speaker 1: above it, right because a boy as a boy. Mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: You know, I really commend you for saying, Um, one

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Speaker 1: of the reasons why you don't are you don't want

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Speaker 1: to have kids or you're thinking about not having kids

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Speaker 1: because you're afraid that it might be in you. And

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Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of people feel that way,

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Speaker 1: but they don't they don't voice it. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, I feel like I need to be

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Speaker 1: dealing with that more than I need to bring you know,

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Speaker 1: anything into this world, any offspring or you know, children

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Speaker 1: into this world. That's not my priority. My priority is

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Speaker 1: to like heal myself. And people are so selfish, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I think that's the least selfish thing you

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Speaker 1: can do, is to heal yourself before you start having kids.

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Speaker 1: You know, you don't want to put that off into

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Speaker 1: another another human being. They have to grow up to,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And above you being able

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Speaker 1: to provide financially, you have to be able to raise them, uh,

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Speaker 1: to be like, you know, an adult that can handle life.

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Speaker 1: And unfortunately, I don't think that most people know what

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Speaker 1: the funk they're doing general, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: And so it's not I'm not you know, I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying that, you know, everything is perfect if you get

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Speaker 1: yourself together, but you'll be better off, they'll be better off. Right.

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Speaker 1: Do you think there are ways that people can prevent

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Speaker 1: this from happening? Or is it hard to say? Right?

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Speaker 1: It's hard to say, Like, you gotta talk, you know,

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Speaker 1: Like I grew up in a highly religious family and

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Speaker 1: the religion kind of took over everything else and there

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Speaker 1: wasn't any real talking. We didn't sit down and have

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Speaker 1: conversations about what could happen or what's going on. It wasn't,

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Speaker 1: you know, it wasn't. There wasn't any openness about sex

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Speaker 1: because we were so religious, and I think that that's harmful, honestly. Um,

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Speaker 1: I don't know about you know, like just coming from

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Speaker 1: a religious family. I know that there there's a girl

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Speaker 1: that you know, she was kind of in the same

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Speaker 1: situation as me, and we were younger, and I don't

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Speaker 1: know how old I was. I had to be like

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Speaker 1: ten or something, ten or eleven, And I remember telling

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Speaker 1: her what was going on. I remember her telling me

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Speaker 1: what was going on in her household and we both

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Speaker 1: come from like heavily Christian households, and her brothers were

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Speaker 1: touching her and molest you. I don't know till this day,

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Speaker 1: to this day, but I told her, I was like,

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Speaker 1: the same thing is happening to me. And I just

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Speaker 1: couldn't believe what she was saying to me. I was like, really,

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Speaker 1: like I thought, I thought I was the only one.

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Speaker 1: So I you know, first of all, I felt alone.

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Speaker 1: I didn't even know my sister was going through it.

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Speaker 1: I had no idea my sister was going through it,

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Speaker 1: And so you know my sister right now, she's dealing

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Speaker 1: with bipolar disorder and she's on the streets. She's on

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Speaker 1: crack cocaine. You know, she's on that. She's on that

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Speaker 1: real ship it. People don't and not everyone deals with

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Speaker 1: something that serious the same. Oh yeah, for sure, No,

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Speaker 1: for sure the same. So I don't know how I

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Speaker 1: got on that, but um yeah, just just having a

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Speaker 1: conversation and don't act like sex is so dirty, because

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Speaker 1: I think it goes the other way in a family.

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Speaker 1: You know, if you go the way where you where

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Speaker 1: you're teaching kids that sex is this and that, and

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Speaker 1: they're not learning properly that you like, it's natural and

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Speaker 1: it's normal and it's something that you should be having

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Speaker 1: with someone that you love, and we're not talking about

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Speaker 1: it openly. I think that it becomes a hidden thing.

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Speaker 1: I think it becomes hidden fetishes and porn and and

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Speaker 1: I was looking at porn. I know, I was looking

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Speaker 1: at porn a lot as a kid, and only because

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Speaker 1: it's like that was the way I've learned about sex.

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Speaker 1: Even when I got my period, it wasn't discussed. I

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Speaker 1: got it too early. I was like eight years old.

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Speaker 1: I got my period it's too early, so just being

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Speaker 1: an early developer as a child, Like I think that

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Speaker 1: has to do with being molested. I don't know if

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Speaker 1: there's any connection. You know, don't listen to me, people,

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Speaker 1: I am not a license nothing. All right, No, but

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Speaker 1: I and before you continue, because I know this is

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Speaker 1: got to be pretty difficult for you to UM, to

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Speaker 1: share your story, but it did say I want to

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Speaker 1: say thank you again. I told you this when he

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Speaker 1: was at lunch because I do feel like this conversation

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Speaker 1: is not happening enough because unfortunately a lot of people

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Speaker 1: can relate to this. Yeah, a lot of people, and

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Speaker 1: it doesn't matter the race. But I noticed that gender

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Speaker 1: or the gender or the gender really doesn't matter. UM.

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Speaker 1: But I noticed that like UM, people don't like to

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Speaker 1: talk about when it's immediate family members, if family members.

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Speaker 1: I noticed that it is something that isn't is rarely

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Speaker 1: talked about. And I think it's because even the victim

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Speaker 1: feels shame them feels like I mean, I'm not speaking

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Speaker 1: for every victim, but even I feel like nasty, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like I don't feel good about it.

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Speaker 1: But it's like I was a kid and when I

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Speaker 1: look back it's like he was a kid too, but

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Speaker 1: he was a lot older than me, right, So that's

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Speaker 1: you just have to make sure that the siblings understand

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Speaker 1: what sex is and where it should be right, which

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Speaker 1: is outside of the home, off of your sibling. You're

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Speaker 1: your girl's sibling, right or your boys sibling. Do you

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Speaker 1: know if sexual abuse runs in your family? I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I think my mom went through it. She wouldn't tell

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Speaker 1: me who did it to her. She's like, that's another thing,

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Speaker 1: like we got to like talk to your kids, like

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Speaker 1: talk to people. That's why I feel like millennials, like

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Speaker 1: we're we have learned that, like it's proper to have

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Speaker 1: a conversation about things when even if it's hard, because

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Speaker 1: that's the only way to deal with anything. And that

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Speaker 1: all this hidden secret bullshit like it brings about more trauma,

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Speaker 1: just more more trauma. And I'm not saying every millennial

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Speaker 1: knows how to have a conversation. There are plenty of

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Speaker 1: girls my age and younger who avoid everything right and

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Speaker 1: act like nothing happening, and it happening. Are we go

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Speaker 1: we're chilling, No, we're not chilling. People traumatized traumatized, you know,

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Speaker 1: So like the sexual abuse, Like that's no joke, and

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Speaker 1: it's no joke when it happens to you, especially as

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Speaker 1: a young kid with half of a fucking brain, right,

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Speaker 1: you're not developed enough to understand what's going on. Like

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Speaker 1: I just now, I'm just now experiencing sex that is

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Speaker 1: pleasurable to me and sex that I know it's proper,

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Speaker 1: rather than me feeling like I have to give something up, right,

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Speaker 1: because that's what it was for years. For me. It

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Speaker 1: wasn't like, oh, I'm having a sexual experience because I

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Speaker 1: want to. It was like I have to mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: That's directly rooted and what I went through. You know,

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Speaker 1: how many siblists do you have and what was your

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Speaker 1: relationship like with them? I have. I have four siblings

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Speaker 1: and we're super tight clothes like close growing up. Um,

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to say certain things without putting

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Speaker 1: my identity out there. We were close. We were like

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Speaker 1: like a gospel Jackson five and we you know, I

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Speaker 1: work in the art world, and so that's what we did.

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Speaker 1: We would sing and but it was gospel. And my

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Speaker 1: mom is a professional um musician, uh, singer, writer, musician,

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Speaker 1: and she used to work for our green that's probably

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Speaker 1: not a good thing to say, but whatever. A lot

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Speaker 1: of people use the word pale green. Yeah, just five motherfucker's.

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Speaker 1: I think my mom was one of them. But anyway, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so I grew up in a very musical world, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean. Um, but that lets you know

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Speaker 1: also like this is someone who is a musician, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of musicians are fucked up. A lot of

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Speaker 1: Indians are fucked up. A lot of people who I

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Speaker 1: just know personally get locked up in the art world.

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Speaker 1: And so I was raised by somebody who I love

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Speaker 1: very much but probably wasn't well and it kind of

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Speaker 1: just bleeds into the family. When the matriarch you know,

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Speaker 1: and well moved back to your dad, he's um, it

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Speaker 1: was like he was like, I mean he is like, um,

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Speaker 1: he's a pastor. Oh I didn't know that, mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: But he's also willing to do anything for my mom.

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Speaker 1: So my mom is like the king m hmm, if

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Speaker 1: that makes sense. Dad is like, we're doing this because

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Speaker 1: Mama wants to do this. So she she's everything. She's

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Speaker 1: you know, the alpha end omega honestly right, married for

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Speaker 1: over forty years and just kept that type of relationship

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Speaker 1: and you know, as a feminist, I'm like, yeah, go ahead.

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Speaker 1: But as a daughter, I'm like, so, how old were

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Speaker 1: you when your brother began to molest you? I don't

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Speaker 1: even know how old I was, Like, I don't because

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Speaker 1: I only remember when I was like around eight years old.

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Speaker 1: But I feel like it probably happened earlier. But I

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Speaker 1: don't remember those earlier years because I just to be

259
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Speaker 1: spoken so much weed Now that's gets so high, So

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Speaker 1: like it's it's I try. I think, like subconsciously, I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to erase memories. Well, you know that's the thing too,

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Speaker 1: because I had my childhood was very traumatic and it's

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Speaker 1: just a mental block, like you're trying to forget certain

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Speaker 1: things and then you actually end up forgetting until something

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Speaker 1: triggered you to remember. So that's very common exactly. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: there's certain dramatic moments that like I'll never forget, that

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Speaker 1: won't leave my mind. Um, but I couldn't tell you

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Speaker 1: the first time it started happening. How old was he?

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Speaker 1: How much older is he? He's eight years older than me.

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Speaker 1: Oh so he's a he was a teenager. Yeah, he's

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Speaker 1: a teenager. I was a little I was like a

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Speaker 1: baby girl. So do you remember the first time it happened.

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Speaker 1: The reason why I'm asking is like, do you remember

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Speaker 1: any signs that he displayed before he was I don't

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Speaker 1: remember any signs. What I do remember is that, like

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Speaker 1: around the age of eight, I would do normal stuff,

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Speaker 1: Like I remember we were having like a barbecue and

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Speaker 1: we were all in the living room and I was like,

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Speaker 1: I had on these little pink shorts and it was

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Speaker 1: my favorite shorts. And I'm like, I remember my innocence

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Speaker 1: being taken away because and this had nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with my brother, but this is when I remember like

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Speaker 1: I was a sexual being two people because I was

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Speaker 1: playing and I had sitting I sat Indian style, and

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Speaker 1: I was like playing with something in my hands, and

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Speaker 1: my dad said out loud where everybody could hear, close

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Speaker 1: your legs, and I was like, oh okay, So I

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00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,600
Speaker 1: closed my way. And it was the first time I

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00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:07,840
Speaker 1: was like people looking in between my legs, like what

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Speaker 1: the hell? Like it was perplexing because I was a

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Speaker 1: little girl, so I wasn't thinking about anyone looking in

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Speaker 1: between my legs, right you know. Now it was an

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Speaker 1: adult like if I if I play Indians Style, I

294
00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:28,320
Speaker 1: wanted to get a looking between looking between my legs.

295
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Speaker 1: I alreadyse shorts for a reason. I was a little girl,

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Speaker 1: so I didn't understand, but I will always remember it

297
00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:44,320
Speaker 1: made me feel like people want to touch me below,

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Speaker 1: people want to whoa like sex became introduced to me.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. So how long did it continue to happen for?

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Speaker 1: How many years? It happened until I was probably until

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Speaker 1: I was like probably twelve, mm hmmm, probably twelve maybe

302
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,719
Speaker 1: thirteen was the last time when it was like I

303
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,240
Speaker 1: was just getting too old and I was starting to

304
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,960
Speaker 1: defend myself and you know what I mean, It wasn't

305
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:21,240
Speaker 1: cute no more. I was like I was getting muscles

306
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:27,240
Speaker 1: and ship I was pushing back. Yeah, so I was

307
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Speaker 1: protecting myself and so yeah, I think I was around

308
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Speaker 1: like it felt like it happened my entire childhood, but

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Speaker 1: by the time I was a teenager, it wasn't happening.

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Speaker 1: But I had already been fucked up. What I mean, Like,

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Speaker 1: now I'm a teenager, um, and I'm in high school.

312
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Speaker 1: Black girl, that means he's grown at this point. He's

313
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Speaker 1: at this point and he gets the stereotypical light skinned girl,

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Speaker 1: and it's like it's another thing. Like I'm dealing with

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Speaker 1: like my brothers, who one of them married a white girl,

316
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,520
Speaker 1: the other was married like the phenal type of like

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00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:11,239
Speaker 1: what they feel as a dime piece, you know what

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00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:15,200
Speaker 1: I mean? Light skinned girl, hair skinny, you know what

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00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,720
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like that type of two thousand two like

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00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,280
Speaker 1: outline of a woman that every black man put on

321
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:28,919
Speaker 1: a pedestal and still do. Um. She represented that. So

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Speaker 1: it felt like I was a secret. Just I was

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Speaker 1: a secret not only to my brothers but to like

324
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:41,800
Speaker 1: every man's So I was already fucked up and to

325
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 1: know what was happening to my sister. It happened to

326
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Speaker 1: my sister by both of my brothers, and I don't

327
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:50,199
Speaker 1: want to tell her story, but both of my brothers

328
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:54,320
Speaker 1: did it too, my sister, both my older brothers, and

329
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:59,800
Speaker 1: so go ahead, no, go ahead, no, yeah, I definitely Um,

330
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,960
Speaker 1: I didn't have a question about that, but not to

331
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,760
Speaker 1: go too deep into her story. And that is her story.

332
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,960
Speaker 1: But before I asked that question, did you tell your

333
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:15,359
Speaker 1: parents and grown when I was twenty six? Might have

334
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,800
Speaker 1: been twenty five. I was twenty five when I told

335
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 1: my parents, which wasn't long ago, and I don't know

336
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,600
Speaker 1: I think my mom kind of panicked. She started saying,

337
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,200
Speaker 1: what was wrong? Were they all drugs? What was wrong

338
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,600
Speaker 1: with them? I can't believe that that, you know. She

339
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,760
Speaker 1: started speaking about it like it was something to be

340
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:41,160
Speaker 1: spoken about in a normal way right first, And then

341
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 1: we never spoke about it again. And then it pissed

342
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,359
Speaker 1: me off that we didn't speak about it again. And

343
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:50,399
Speaker 1: so maybe like three years after that, I brought it

344
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,480
Speaker 1: up again and I said, you know, I have I

345
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:58,000
Speaker 1: have vobodnia. Vobo denia is something that um women, sometimes

346
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:03,879
Speaker 1: women will get um pains in their vaginal area because

347
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,240
Speaker 1: I could never wear tampons and I was like, why

348
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,240
Speaker 1: can't I wear tan? It hurts for me to wear

349
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,359
Speaker 1: a tamboult? What's wrong with me? And it was because

350
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,800
Speaker 1: I had that. And it's like basically, your your vaginal

351
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:23,000
Speaker 1: muscles trying to protect you from entrance from any Because

352
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,479
Speaker 1: my homegirl, um, she was on the show and she

353
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,480
Speaker 1: was talking about how sex is painful to have sex.

354
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 1: So we're just talking about it and we're having a

355
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 1: conversation and making a story short. She later disclosed to

356
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,800
Speaker 1: me that she was sexually abused. And now we did

357
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 1: I'm doing research because I'm like, wait, like I want

358
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,520
Speaker 1: you to bust a nut, like why you can't have sex? Right?

359
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 1: So when she told me that we started doing research,

360
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,520
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's probably because of what happened to you

361
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:52,240
Speaker 1: a younger age and your body is rejecting it. And

362
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,560
Speaker 1: then that's how we found out about it. Yeah. Yeah,

363
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:59,119
Speaker 1: And I had a racist uh oh b g y

364
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,480
Speaker 1: n telling me I had to write a whole letter

365
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:05,040
Speaker 1: and everything with her racist ass. But she told me.

366
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:09,200
Speaker 1: She told me very in a way that was like very, Um,

367
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:13,040
Speaker 1: she didn't consider my feelings at all. She told me

368
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,639
Speaker 1: like it was just normal and that's not a normal

369
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,680
Speaker 1: thing to happen. I really my eyes out. I cried

370
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 1: my eyes out that I had to deal with something

371
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:24,360
Speaker 1: like that, you know what I mean. Um, And this

372
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:30,080
Speaker 1: was in twenty twenty, bitch, this was in twenty twenty. Like,

373
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:37,920
Speaker 1: this stuff is just happening for me. So yeah, yeah,

374
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,760
Speaker 1: that trauma is nothing to to mess with. It's really

375
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,879
Speaker 1: like something that's very serious. You can't take it lightly.

376
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 1: When I did tell my mom, I could tell that

377
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,480
Speaker 1: she had gone through a lot too sexually because she

378
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:55,560
Speaker 1: wrote back, um that I needed to grow up. Um,

379
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,720
Speaker 1: what would happen. If I were to say anything, what

380
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,960
Speaker 1: would happen if you know, my old his brother's kids

381
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,719
Speaker 1: were to find out what happened, like they wouldn't look

382
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,359
Speaker 1: at him as their hero anymore. Why would you want

383
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:14,960
Speaker 1: that for your brother? That's it? What about me? It

384
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,159
Speaker 1: was never you know? And it's like she put it.

385
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:22,239
Speaker 1: She poured out a big like I'm sorry, you know,

386
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:26,120
Speaker 1: like finally, I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do.

387
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,000
Speaker 1: I don't know what to say, and I'm like, that's

388
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,160
Speaker 1: the most honest thing you could have said. Probably could

389
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:36,120
Speaker 1: have just said that, right, what did you say? My

390
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,600
Speaker 1: dad has not said anything till this day, girl, And

391
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 1: he knows about it, but he hasn't said anything to

392
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,639
Speaker 1: this day. I don't think he knows what to say either.

393
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,359
Speaker 1: I'm not holding it against them that they don't know

394
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 1: what to say, But let me tell you something. I

395
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:57,120
Speaker 1: still can't have normal conversations with my parents because I'm smart.

396
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,640
Speaker 1: I'm not like, I'm not a dummy, I'm not oblivious,

397
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,200
Speaker 1: and so it's hard for me to be like, yeah,

398
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,360
Speaker 1: it's like like nothing happen, y'all, let's party, let's I'm

399
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:12,840
Speaker 1: the most logical bit on earth. And that type of stuff.

400
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,760
Speaker 1: To me, it's like, I'm not gonna I'm gonna query is.

401
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 1: I'm not gonnas sit with you and eat with you

402
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 1: and act like. We can't fake. I don't care how

403
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,160
Speaker 1: hard we try. It is the most uncomfortable thing ever.

404
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,960
Speaker 1: It's it's hell for us to fake it. It is

405
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 1: really hell. It is really hell. And so I'm like,

406
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,920
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna fake with y'all. And I love you.

407
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,040
Speaker 1: And when I do call you and I tell you

408
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:38,840
Speaker 1: that I love you, but I can't stay on the

409
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,800
Speaker 1: phone with you long like I think the last time

410
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,920
Speaker 1: we stayed on the phone like an hour, and that

411
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:46,040
Speaker 1: was the longest, but we weren't talking about anything really substantial,

412
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 1: a surface level, um, which I appreciated on their part,

413
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,440
Speaker 1: but um, it was like, yeah, I can't fake, and

414
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,120
Speaker 1: it's just very hard for me to do. So yeah,

415
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,000
Speaker 1: I'm not like someone who can just put that behind me.

416
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:08,360
Speaker 1: It's never gonna be behind me, right, So yeah, I'm

417
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 1: still currently going through that. Do you think the reason

418
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 1: why they don't want to admit to it is because

419
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 1: they feel like it would make them look bad. Yeah,

420
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:20,040
Speaker 1: I think they felt I think they probably already think

421
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,680
Speaker 1: they look bad. They probably already think that they did

422
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,679
Speaker 1: a bad job, or you know, I think parents go

423
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,159
Speaker 1: straight to like what could I have done to maybe

424
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,359
Speaker 1: prevent this? Like what did I do wrong? But they're

425
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 1: still not willing to learn nothing though. You know, man,

426
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 1: if I say, um my mom mentioned that, you know,

427
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,160
Speaker 1: something happened to her when she was fifteen years old,

428
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:47,200
Speaker 1: she was out here in California and some stranger, she said,

429
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:52,000
Speaker 1: had raped her and she said there was blood and

430
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: he had a gun and all this stuff happened. And

431
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 1: the only reason why he let her go is because

432
00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:01,800
Speaker 1: she said her pastor was James Cleeve mm hmm, and

433
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,680
Speaker 1: she was going to church to play she had to

434
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,119
Speaker 1: play for the choir, and he let it go. And

435
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,680
Speaker 1: I'm like, you never went to talk to nobody about that.

436
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: You carried that trauma with you, and I know, like

437
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:18,920
Speaker 1: back in the day, y'all didn't know like you're supposed

438
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:23,440
Speaker 1: to talk about things. I understand that, but you should

439
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:26,040
Speaker 1: know now, and you should know that you have like

440
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 1: a thirty plus year old daughter who's living on her own,

441
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 1: who's not a fucking dummy, and tell you, hey, maybe

442
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,760
Speaker 1: you should talk about it, and you still view me

443
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 1: as someone who's not smart enough to let you know

444
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:43,480
Speaker 1: that maybe you should talk about it. So our relationship

445
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:48,200
Speaker 1: is is suffering because of this, right, you know, like

446
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:51,719
Speaker 1: my sister is going off the deep end, and so

447
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 1: you would think like maybe you know what I mean,

448
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 1: you would think they would be like, well, maybe I

449
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 1: shouldn't get some therapy. I don't know, right, maybe it's

450
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 1: maybe Jesus can't be my therapist, right, you know. I

451
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,160
Speaker 1: had it before, I had a conversation, before we started

452
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,160
Speaker 1: our conversation. And this lady been through so much ship,

453
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,680
Speaker 1: like she been raped and beating so many times that

454
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:19,240
Speaker 1: she can't even count. So she's a trauma expert and

455
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 1: she traveled all around the world to teach people more

456
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:25,719
Speaker 1: about trauma because people are sometimes mistake trauma for mental

457
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 1: disorders but not understand that trauma can lead to mental disorders. Yes,

458
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:34,520
Speaker 1: and I asked her this question. I'm gonna ask you you, um,

459
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:37,560
Speaker 1: do you think that people are desensitized when it comes

460
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:40,280
Speaker 1: to trauma because since they've been through it and survived,

461
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 1: so shoot you Yeah, I think that most people don't understand.

462
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 1: Like even now, I have a boyfriend who you know,

463
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:55,080
Speaker 1: I have a boyfriend who he grew up in a

464
00:29:55,200 --> 00:30:02,120
Speaker 1: situation where his parents were selling dope. He he acts

465
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 1: like everything was fine, it was cool. It's like it's fine.

466
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:10,720
Speaker 1: It's like your parents were selling dope, right, Like that's

467
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:16,760
Speaker 1: not normal, you think, so you have no trauma branches

468
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:19,120
Speaker 1: from that, or like the fact that your dad was

469
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,960
Speaker 1: there but he didn't raise you, Like he was just there,

470
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:24,960
Speaker 1: but he didn't raise you though, Like you know what

471
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 1: I'm saying, there's a lot there, But he doesn't think

472
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,960
Speaker 1: that he hasn't trauma. He smokes a lot of weed though.

473
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:35,800
Speaker 1: He smokes a shipload of weed. Um. And so it's like,

474
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,000
Speaker 1: I think people don't even know they have it m

475
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,840
Speaker 1: M because they think it's so normal because they in

476
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:48,240
Speaker 1: this space for so long that they think that, yeah,

477
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:50,760
Speaker 1: it's just it's just normal that I drink this much

478
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,680
Speaker 1: every day. It's just normal that, like I need to

479
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:58,000
Speaker 1: have sex the way I need to have sex, Like

480
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:02,720
Speaker 1: it's just normal. I have a healthy appetite for Like,

481
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,520
Speaker 1: but you never really sat down and thought, why do

482
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:09,000
Speaker 1: I have a healthy appetite for I have an abnormal

483
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:14,840
Speaker 1: appetite for dick? Why? No, It's true, and people not

484
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:19,360
Speaker 1: even knowing that they're using that as a escape mechanism.

485
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. I think balance is the key, Like you

486
00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,800
Speaker 1: just want to be balanced, how to be balanced as possible,

487
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,640
Speaker 1: even though it's, like you know, it's really hard. I

488
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 1: don't even know if it's possible. I don't know anyone

489
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:36,040
Speaker 1: who's perfectly balanced. Yeah, I don't think nobody's perfectly balanced.

490
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:38,880
Speaker 1: You want to get as close as possible, for sure,

491
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:40,960
Speaker 1: for sure, but it definitely does take a lot of work,

492
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 1: especially with everything that we've been through trying to figure

493
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:49,080
Speaker 1: out with no fucking blueprint and with no money. Okay,

494
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:55,600
Speaker 1: just like right, yeah, besides your friend, did you tell

495
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:59,240
Speaker 1: anyone else about this? Um? When I was younger, I

496
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 1: used to just tell everybody because I didn't know how

497
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:04,560
Speaker 1: to deal with it. All my friends, like you know

498
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:07,800
Speaker 1: what happened to me? Right, I couldn't hold water. I

499
00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 1: just but I would never say it was my brother.

500
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: I would always say it was my uncle. I would

501
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:17,120
Speaker 1: say it was my uncle and um, yeah, I would

502
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 1: never say it was my brother because I didn't want

503
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 1: people to to start looking at me weird, or if

504
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:26,320
Speaker 1: they were to ever meet my brother, look at him weird, right,

505
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,240
Speaker 1: and then it would make me feel weird, you know

506
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like I didn't even understand that what's

507
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:33,760
Speaker 1: going on at the time, so it's even more confusion.

508
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:37,600
Speaker 1: It's even more confusion. So like but like I was

509
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,360
Speaker 1: acting out. I was acting out. Even in middle school,

510
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:43,680
Speaker 1: I was acting out a lot by lying. I would

511
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 1: lie so much, like it just made me feel better. Um,

512
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,920
Speaker 1: I was like, man, now I'm a writer, you know,

513
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 1: Like I learned how to put all those lines on

514
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:57,320
Speaker 1: a script and you know, make up worlds on a

515
00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:01,000
Speaker 1: script rather than in real life. Um, but in high school,

516
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,760
Speaker 1: I used to lie um to my friends and it

517
00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:05,800
Speaker 1: would make me feel better because they always thought I

518
00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 1: was like, oh wow, I'm in the hell of a storyteller.

519
00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 1: Oh my god, professional now, you know man. So it's

520
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:18,560
Speaker 1: like people really really look forward to, like what I

521
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: had to say the next day about the boy that

522
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: I was with, And I would never be with that boy.

523
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 1: That boy didn't even know I liked them. You know

524
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:30,000
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I would lie about boys. It was bad.

525
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,760
Speaker 1: I was acting out, and like now it's it's you know,

526
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:34,959
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that I grew out of it. As

527
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: like a growing pain thing that I'm glad I grew

528
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,680
Speaker 1: out of that. Or you can look at as something

529
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 1: that you used to protect yourself is also what you

530
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:48,560
Speaker 1: used to make money. Yeah, moment, it is a full

531
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,760
Speaker 1: circle moment. But you know you have to learn how

532
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: to um, you know, direct that stuff that right you're

533
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,640
Speaker 1: lying on people and then you know what I mean

534
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:01,000
Speaker 1: is that's gonna come back to you. But if you

535
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:05,160
Speaker 1: direct that into the right energy, he can make something

536
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 1: you know, beautiful, right right, But I was just lying

537
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 1: on niggas and I wasn't saying nobody was raping me

538
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,440
Speaker 1: or nothing that was too far, but like I was

539
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:21,800
Speaker 1: a soap opera at it. Um. So you definitely mentioned

540
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:25,359
Speaker 1: earlier that the same brother that molested you also raped

541
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 1: you up sister with your other brother. How did you

542
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,719
Speaker 1: find out about this, Well, because my mom told me.

543
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:36,200
Speaker 1: She said, I didn't know. Yeah. So the reason why

544
00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:39,239
Speaker 1: I told my mom is because my sister told my mom.

545
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,600
Speaker 1: And it was around the time that my sister started

546
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:46,319
Speaker 1: going missing. And hold my sister is two years older

547
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 1: than me. Wow, so she you know, Um, I don't

548
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 1: know when she started getting molested by my older brother.

549
00:34:57,080 --> 00:35:01,239
Speaker 1: But then I remember the oldest brother. This is something

550
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:04,680
Speaker 1: I remembered distinctively. I was in a room. It was

551
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,279
Speaker 1: my bedroom at the time. I think I was in

552
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:11,120
Speaker 1: either my bedroom or my sister's bedroom. And I remember

553
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:13,280
Speaker 1: I was young. This is when I was getting molested

554
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 1: by my other brother. I remember my oldest brother came.

555
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:23,880
Speaker 1: He's he's like forty five right now. Also, he was

556
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 1: way older than you, a lot older. Yeah, he's like

557
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,960
Speaker 1: older older. So he came into the room and I

558
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,759
Speaker 1: remember him standing in a corner and looking at me

559
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:35,160
Speaker 1: really weird. But he just kept looking at me, and

560
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:37,560
Speaker 1: he wasn't doing anything, and he was super high. He

561
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:39,840
Speaker 1: wasn't on some drugs my mom not wrong, like he

562
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,719
Speaker 1: was on something um, And he was just standing there

563
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:45,440
Speaker 1: and he was staring at me, and I just finally

564
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 1: started I started yelling my mom's name, and it scared

565
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:52,160
Speaker 1: him and spooked him and he ran out, and I

566
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 1: was like, was he gonna do it to me too?

567
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,520
Speaker 1: I was like very confused. I didn't know what the

568
00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:59,880
Speaker 1: fuck was going on. So then when my mom said

569
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,839
Speaker 1: that when I was when I was twenty six, I

570
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:07,000
Speaker 1: was like, I remember that one time where I thought,

571
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: did he just try to do the same ship to me?

572
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:14,120
Speaker 1: Like I was very confused. So I'm like, so, what

573
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:18,440
Speaker 1: is going on? You know, and like did my older

574
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:23,440
Speaker 1: brother touch my younger brother? Which mother like I didn't.

575
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 1: I still to this day don't really know what the

576
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:28,359
Speaker 1: fuss was going on. I only know what was going

577
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:32,520
Speaker 1: on from my perspective what happened to me? Right, But

578
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,799
Speaker 1: to tell you like like she just told her, because

579
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,640
Speaker 1: this happened to your sister, Like well, because um, because

580
00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 1: she said, well, she brought it up first. She was like,

581
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:45,560
Speaker 1: your sister said that, you know soul, and soul was

582
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:50,120
Speaker 1: messing with the molesting her said he uh. She didn't

583
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:52,480
Speaker 1: use the word rape. She just said was touching her

584
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:56,560
Speaker 1: and doing some nasty stuff with the you know, she

585
00:36:56,680 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 1: old school. So um, I was like, well, I just

586
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 1: want to say he did the same thing to me,

587
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,360
Speaker 1: and I didn't want to leave her hanging. You know,

588
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,960
Speaker 1: I'm twenty six. I was like crazy, I'm a feminist.

589
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:14,680
Speaker 1: I was like, no, Bra Wednesday like that type of feminist, right.

590
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 1: So I was like, yeah, he did the same thing

591
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 1: to me too. I couldn't wait to tell her and

592
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:22,160
Speaker 1: she was like she said uh, and she said so

593
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,279
Speaker 1: and so did did to you too? Because she said

594
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:27,000
Speaker 1: both of them did it to her? And I said, really,

595
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:31,799
Speaker 1: so I didn't know, but how do you feel I'm

596
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:35,480
Speaker 1: not asking this question respectfully? Like I don't know. I

597
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:38,560
Speaker 1: can see why this is why, this why your relationship

598
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:40,879
Speaker 1: is a little strang strang with your mom because it's

599
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:43,799
Speaker 1: just no way that you know that somebody's touching your

600
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:48,120
Speaker 1: baby's regards of who it is. And like I just

601
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:52,200
Speaker 1: like I wrote her, my sister is mean, Like my

602
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:57,359
Speaker 1: sister has bipolar disorder. Though I don't blame her at all.

603
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:01,160
Speaker 1: I don't, but the type a letter she was sending

604
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:04,680
Speaker 1: by email to my parents were awful. I'd be like,

605
00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:07,400
Speaker 1: the way you're talking to our parents is crazy, but

606
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 1: like I get it, but come on now, um. But

607
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,080
Speaker 1: then it led me to write a letter because I

608
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 1: was like, well, I gotta write something too because y'all

609
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,359
Speaker 1: really don't get it. But I wasn't white as like

610
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: vicious about it because I have more in my mind.

611
00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:24,440
Speaker 1: So you know, I wrote something to my mom and

612
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:26,880
Speaker 1: I said, it's a it's a shame that you chose

613
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:31,839
Speaker 1: to protect the boys over the girls, because that's what

614
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:35,840
Speaker 1: you did. You're choosing to protect them, You're choosing to

615
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:40,919
Speaker 1: put them first. You're choosing to take their side, and

616
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,399
Speaker 1: I don't get that. I don't get that luxury. I'm

617
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 1: out here, You're you're treating me like the sun. You're

618
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:49,759
Speaker 1: treating me like the nigga that need to go get

619
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:54,680
Speaker 1: a job and do right by themselves. But they don't.

620
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:58,480
Speaker 1: They're like pristine white women. That's how you're treating them.

621
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:03,840
Speaker 1: M hmm, right, they need to be coddled right and protected.

622
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:11,839
Speaker 1: But I'm good, I'm fine, right. Meanwhile, I'm fucked up.

623
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:18,359
Speaker 1: Deal with it. I'm a whole female out here. I'm

624
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 1: a whole woman, a lady, and I am not okay.

625
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 1: And I don't get the benefit of the doubt. I

626
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:28,759
Speaker 1: don't get it like a hug. I don't get it.

627
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:32,000
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I don't get a protection from my father.

628
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:37,200
Speaker 1: I don't get any of that. I just get ignored

629
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 1: about it, all right, and we get to just fucking

630
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:42,960
Speaker 1: move on and they get to have their wives and

631
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:49,279
Speaker 1: they get to live their life, and it's just infuriating. Right,

632
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:54,520
Speaker 1: I'm saying this on a podcast, But a bitch is mad. No,

633
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:58,200
Speaker 1: I really feel you're not. I don't really hack. No,

634
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:03,760
Speaker 1: nobody was there for you, man, I know I really can't. Huh.

635
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,440
Speaker 1: I'm not the only one, no, I know. And it

636
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 1: really bothers me when I hear stories about kids just

637
00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:13,480
Speaker 1: being harm and nobody just protecting us when we need it.

638
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:18,680
Speaker 1: It's very um, very unfortunate, very sad. Yeah, I'm getting

639
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,920
Speaker 1: emotional because I really hate when because you know, we

640
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:24,040
Speaker 1: make We don't make fun of people who be out

641
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:25,319
Speaker 1: on the streets and stuff like that, but you know,

642
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:27,399
Speaker 1: we from the hood, so we crack a little jokes

643
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,520
Speaker 1: here and there, but like, you just really don't know

644
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,319
Speaker 1: what people going through or how they got to where

645
00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:33,680
Speaker 1: they are, and a lot of people, you know, certain

646
00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:36,840
Speaker 1: things being sexually abused, of being physically abused, and she

647
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:38,879
Speaker 1: like that that shoul would really break people. Some people

648
00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:41,480
Speaker 1: are not built to to stand us at the time

649
00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:47,319
Speaker 1: of that ship. Honestly, they're not. They're not very heartbreaking.

650
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: It is heartbreaking, and you know, and some people they

651
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:52,760
Speaker 1: find you know, I've been watching a lot of drug

652
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:57,120
Speaker 1: documentaries ever since I decided to take Lexa pro and

653
00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 1: some stuff to help with my anxiety. I don't attached

654
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:02,880
Speaker 1: to nothing. I don't want to get addicted to nothing.

655
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:04,680
Speaker 1: I just want to see the worst of the worst.

656
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 1: So that I can avoid it myself. I've been watching

657
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:12,200
Speaker 1: a lot of drug Box and I'm like, man, it's

658
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:15,239
Speaker 1: so easy to just say yes to like one thing,

659
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:18,120
Speaker 1: and if it feels like what you've been looking for,

660
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:21,200
Speaker 1: it is over and you just you can't get sick,

661
00:41:21,239 --> 00:41:23,319
Speaker 1: and so you have to keep taking it. And you

662
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:26,160
Speaker 1: do like the high, but you also can't get sick,

663
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:29,319
Speaker 1: so you just keep taking it over and over over.

664
00:41:29,440 --> 00:41:35,080
Speaker 1: It's really a downhill battle. Yeah, So what is your

665
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,160
Speaker 1: relationship like with your sister now, Like, does she know

666
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:40,480
Speaker 1: about your experience? My sister knows about my experience, but

667
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:45,160
Speaker 1: she cut everybody off in the family body. But my

668
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:49,600
Speaker 1: sister does crack, and so you know, even if she

669
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:53,399
Speaker 1: I don't think that she doesn't love me anymore, but

670
00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:56,120
Speaker 1: I don't think she wants me to see her in

671
00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 1: the state that she's in. So I think it's probably

672
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:02,319
Speaker 1: easier for her to cut us off then the like

673
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:04,800
Speaker 1: let us know where she's at or what she's doing.

674
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:07,920
Speaker 1: She goes to jail, she's back and forth from jail

675
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:13,359
Speaker 1: in the mental hospital kind of regularly. And honestly, when

676
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:15,480
Speaker 1: we would hear that she's in jail, we feel better

677
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 1: because at least we know where she was, but we

678
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:23,240
Speaker 1: haven't heard from her in months. It's been like nine

679
00:42:23,239 --> 00:42:28,520
Speaker 1: months we haven't heard anything from her. My dady calling

680
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 1: me like did she call you? And I'm no, she

681
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:37,959
Speaker 1: didn't call. No. She said fuck you to me. So

682
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,359
Speaker 1: she's not trying to talk to me because I told her.

683
00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:44,080
Speaker 1: I told her our parents are bad, but they're not

684
00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:48,760
Speaker 1: that bad. They just don't understand. I'm giving them grace.

685
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:54,839
Speaker 1: And she's like, fuck that great ship. She's not here

686
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:59,400
Speaker 1: for the great hoodie And she was like, fuck that ship.

687
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:03,160
Speaker 1: Fuck you then right, you know, nigga, don't you ever

688
00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 1: the great ship when when things happen? Yeah, So it

689
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:12,520
Speaker 1: was over after that. So what has your relationship been

690
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 1: like with men? With men, it's been like I have

691
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 1: a I have I'm in a relationship right now with

692
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 1: a guy who's super sweet, and I realized, like my dad,

693
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:33,120
Speaker 1: even though his protecting is a little off by little,

694
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:37,600
Speaker 1: I mean a lot, um, the way that he is

695
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:42,480
Speaker 1: with my mom influenced me. So that whole being sweet

696
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:46,960
Speaker 1: to my mom, you know, being there for her, always,

697
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:50,360
Speaker 1: just always willing to be there for my mom. Like

698
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:53,520
Speaker 1: that type of man um. I have that type of

699
00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:57,160
Speaker 1: boyfriend and we've been together for like five years and

700
00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:04,120
Speaker 1: he's just the sweetest, most gentle human being ever. And

701
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:08,800
Speaker 1: so you know, sometimes, you know, sometimes the good stuff

702
00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:12,319
Speaker 1: does transfer, and I think that's one of those things

703
00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 1: that transferred for me. So as far as with men

704
00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:19,520
Speaker 1: I do, I am in a good relationship with the guy,

705
00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:25,680
Speaker 1: but sexually I still struggle, right, I still struggle with him.

706
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 1: Since I love him so much, it's hard for me

707
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:31,800
Speaker 1: to want to have sex because I feel like people

708
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:34,840
Speaker 1: I love I shouldn't be having sex with. It's like

709
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 1: a subconscious thing that's like no, like I actually love you,

710
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:43,399
Speaker 1: so no, we shouldn't. We're not supposed to. No, You're

711
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:46,320
Speaker 1: like you're like family. Now, No, we're not supposed to,

712
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:53,359
Speaker 1: you know. And so that subconscious ship is weird. But

713
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:56,400
Speaker 1: that's kind of the only thing because you know, like

714
00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:00,440
Speaker 1: I get horn I get horny for a lot of

715
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:05,080
Speaker 1: different dudes. So there's a horror in me. There's a

716
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:08,040
Speaker 1: hole in me. I think that's a hole in all

717
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:12,799
Speaker 1: of us everybody. But why is that the trauma or

718
00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:16,680
Speaker 1: in my warning? Because I've been O D. Horney a

719
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:23,680
Speaker 1: lot too, so it was like, oh, yeah, I've been

720
00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 1: seeing some guy I say, I said, where do you

721
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:32,279
Speaker 1: come from? Yeah, so relationships with dudes like, but it

722
00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:34,480
Speaker 1: took a long time and took until I was thirty

723
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:38,960
Speaker 1: years old two or twenty nine nine years old to

724
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:42,600
Speaker 1: like find somebody that makes sense. Um, but I would

725
00:45:42,600 --> 00:45:45,359
Speaker 1: protect myself in my twenties where like if I had

726
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:48,200
Speaker 1: a one night stand, I wouldn't allow them to ghost me.

727
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:52,759
Speaker 1: I ghost them, right, I'll be like, dude, is, don't

728
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:54,799
Speaker 1: nobody need you? I was like a city girl before

729
00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:59,879
Speaker 1: city girls was popular, Like, bitch, I'm a city girl

730
00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:06,200
Speaker 1: minus the money and the purses. It shup for real,

731
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:09,920
Speaker 1: Like I missed the part where you're supposed to get paid.

732
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:15,319
Speaker 1: But so wait, so what those family gatherings look like?

733
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:17,200
Speaker 1: Or do you even go out to see your family?

734
00:46:17,239 --> 00:46:22,000
Speaker 1: Because oh, yeah, no, I don't be going home. I'm like, oh,

735
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:25,040
Speaker 1: last time you spoke to him, it's been at least

736
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:30,840
Speaker 1: three years. Oh that's yeah, that's it's pretty recent. But

737
00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:33,480
Speaker 1: only because like I had to. I think we were

738
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:36,799
Speaker 1: looking for my sister at the time, so like I

739
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:40,719
Speaker 1: had to, Um, I remember I went home like I

740
00:46:41,239 --> 00:46:46,000
Speaker 1: ran home. Uh, I was in I was in where

741
00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:50,120
Speaker 1: I was born, visiting my parents and then my parents

742
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:53,080
Speaker 1: said my brother was on his way over, and then

743
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:57,040
Speaker 1: I lied and I said, oh, that my plane is

744
00:46:57,120 --> 00:47:00,440
Speaker 1: coming now. I thought it was at this time, but

745
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:04,719
Speaker 1: it's at this time. I gotta go now. And they

746
00:47:04,719 --> 00:47:08,120
Speaker 1: were like ohh and they took me to the to

747
00:47:08,239 --> 00:47:11,319
Speaker 1: the airport. Girl, do you know I slept in the

748
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:15,200
Speaker 1: airport until my real plane came. That's how much I

749
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:18,759
Speaker 1: didn't want to see him, so, like, yeah, I don't

750
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:22,799
Speaker 1: have any relationship with my brothers, neither of them or

751
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:26,840
Speaker 1: their wives. My niece and nephew. I text them because

752
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:29,439
Speaker 1: it's not their fault, you know, But do you care

753
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:33,680
Speaker 1: for them? Do I what do you fear for them? Like,

754
00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:36,759
Speaker 1: do you feel like something's gonna happen to them my

755
00:47:36,840 --> 00:47:45,240
Speaker 1: niece and nephew, Yeah, from your brothers. Um, I don't,

756
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:54,960
Speaker 1: but only because I never thought about that. Wow, yeah,

757
00:47:55,840 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 1: I never thought about that. But that's like there, right,

758
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:05,400
Speaker 1: I hope nothing, and I you know, and I always

759
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,480
Speaker 1: tell my little niece something like and I should tell

760
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:09,920
Speaker 1: my nephew this too, and I think I did tell

761
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:12,000
Speaker 1: him this, but I mostly told my little niece like

762
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 1: you can tell me anything. You can talk to me

763
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:20,880
Speaker 1: about anything that's going on in your life, don't hesitate.

764
00:48:21,080 --> 00:48:24,160
Speaker 1: You can call me. She's a little nerd right now,

765
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:26,080
Speaker 1: and it's like she might need to get older before

766
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:32,440
Speaker 1: she called her a little black aunt. She's yeah, she's mixing,

767
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:35,319
Speaker 1: so like her wife side is highly influenced in her

768
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:38,200
Speaker 1: right now. And I'm like, it's something traumatic might have

769
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:42,080
Speaker 1: to happen before she called her black aunt. Girl, you

770
00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:44,360
Speaker 1: know what happened to me start talking black all of

771
00:48:44,440 --> 00:48:52,640
Speaker 1: a sudden. But you have a fair question. Wow, I'm

772
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:55,640
Speaker 1: surprised you never thought about this. I never thought about that.

773
00:48:55,680 --> 00:49:00,839
Speaker 1: I think, like I just hope not, like please God, right,

774
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:04,520
Speaker 1: I really just hope not. So at this point, do

775
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:08,759
Speaker 1: you even want an apology from your brother? It would

776
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:13,880
Speaker 1: be nice. I would like some acknowledgement and an apology

777
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,440
Speaker 1: as an adult. You know we're adults now, so you

778
00:49:17,480 --> 00:49:22,080
Speaker 1: can find the words. You're not stupid, stupid. You're stupid, right,

779
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:26,360
Speaker 1: but you're not, you know, a dumbass. You got a job,

780
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:31,920
Speaker 1: so you can find the words. But you it's like

781
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:34,600
Speaker 1: it was easier for him to just decide to just

782
00:49:35,120 --> 00:49:40,239
Speaker 1: cut all ties. So it's like, okay, well I'm the

783
00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:44,560
Speaker 1: queen of cutting ties. I'm the queen at it so

784
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 1: if you really don't want to, they never got to.

785
00:49:47,840 --> 00:49:50,960
Speaker 1: But you know, all you have to do is apologize,

786
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:56,959
Speaker 1: even if you don't get the apology, have you forgiven him? No,

787
00:49:57,080 --> 00:49:59,920
Speaker 1: not yet, And I'm working on like I'm working on that,

788
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:02,560
Speaker 1: and actually I'm not. I'm not working on it at all.

789
00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:12,359
Speaker 1: You don't think it's anything wrong with that. You gotta

790
00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:15,399
Speaker 1: do ship your own time, when you're ready. Okay, I'm

791
00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:18,640
Speaker 1: figured maybe it don't happen, but I don't know, right

792
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:23,440
Speaker 1: not happening right now. And last and not least, do

793
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 1: you want to have a relationship with him? And if so,

794
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:30,719
Speaker 1: what does that relationship look like? It would probably look

795
00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:33,360
Speaker 1: like it did when we were ignoring get his kids,

796
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,279
Speaker 1: and it was like a fun relationship, Like it was

797
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:40,680
Speaker 1: fun and everybody was always having fun and laughing and talking,

798
00:50:40,719 --> 00:50:46,799
Speaker 1: and it was creative making music writing stuff, you know,

799
00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:48,680
Speaker 1: that type of stuff. Like we were having fun when

800
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:50,960
Speaker 1: we were ignoring it. But I was a kid ignoring

801
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:57,080
Speaker 1: it and now I'm fully developed brained adult. No way

802
00:50:57,120 --> 00:51:01,640
Speaker 1: that I'm ignoring that. You know. So, I think they

803
00:51:01,719 --> 00:51:10,760
Speaker 1: just weren't anticipating as becoming women, yeah, right, and thinking

804
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:14,080
Speaker 1: for ourselves. Yeah, I want to ask you one more

805
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:17,759
Speaker 1: question because I just just realized this. Where were your

806
00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:22,360
Speaker 1: thoughts on R Kelly? And the reason I'm asking at um? Well, no,

807
00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:25,880
Speaker 1: obviously that's obvious, right, But the reason why I'm asking

808
00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:28,920
Speaker 1: me because what did you? What did you? What was

809
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:32,760
Speaker 1: your thoughts when you heard that he was sexually molested

810
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:39,240
Speaker 1: and stuff by his siblings? Yeah? Okay, so I really

811
00:51:39,920 --> 00:51:46,000
Speaker 1: disliked um R Kelly, Uh, really really badly, Like Bann.

812
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:48,680
Speaker 1: It was when you know, I was on Facebook just

813
00:51:48,760 --> 00:51:51,759
Speaker 1: going in on our Kelly every post. I was just

814
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:53,600
Speaker 1: going in on them because I felt like he was

815
00:51:53,640 --> 00:51:58,000
Speaker 1: getting over on touching young black girls. You know, he

816
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,439
Speaker 1: wasn't getting any type of punishment for it. I don't

817
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:03,480
Speaker 1: think it's a it's a license. If you're like, I

818
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:06,840
Speaker 1: don't get to go and touch kids now because of

819
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:11,080
Speaker 1: what happened to me. So I have compassion for what

820
00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:13,240
Speaker 1: happened to him, but I don't give a funk because

821
00:52:13,239 --> 00:52:15,040
Speaker 1: it happened to me. So that's the thing you were

822
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:17,960
Speaker 1: talking about, the whole trauma thing of you know, they

823
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,120
Speaker 1: happened to me, So I got over Why don't you

824
00:52:20,520 --> 00:52:22,520
Speaker 1: like I? I kind of have a little bit of

825
00:52:22,520 --> 00:52:26,560
Speaker 1: that too. When it comes to harming other people, you

826
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:30,319
Speaker 1: don't get to go and do that just because it

827
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:35,080
Speaker 1: happened to you. That's not a license, in my opinion.

828
00:52:35,480 --> 00:52:37,920
Speaker 1: And you use like your fame and your glory and

829
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:41,560
Speaker 1: all of that stuff, you use that as well. And

830
00:52:41,719 --> 00:52:45,280
Speaker 1: it's just to me like, he doesn't get a pass.

831
00:52:46,040 --> 00:52:49,080
Speaker 1: He doesn't get a pass for me. Fuck that dude. Man.

832
00:52:49,280 --> 00:52:51,640
Speaker 1: I can't stand that man, and I'm glad that he

833
00:52:51,719 --> 00:52:54,279
Speaker 1: got what he deserved. I don't listen to even a

834
00:52:54,320 --> 00:52:57,520
Speaker 1: little bit of R. Kelley music, and sometimes when I

835
00:52:57,560 --> 00:52:59,520
Speaker 1: hear my friends listening to it, I'd be like, yo,

836
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:03,719
Speaker 1: y'all are wow, because I'm listening to a man that

837
00:53:03,800 --> 00:53:09,000
Speaker 1: was touching girls that looked like me. And honestly, when

838
00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:11,480
Speaker 1: people are able to do it, I'm like, Okay, you know,

839
00:53:12,239 --> 00:53:14,800
Speaker 1: go ahead and do it. I heard, you know, Michael

840
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:17,000
Speaker 1: Jackson did some stuff and when they put on mike,

841
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:20,400
Speaker 1: I still danced the mike. And so people have their things,

842
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:22,719
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. But when it comes to

843
00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:25,280
Speaker 1: R Kelly, he doesn't get a pass for me, because

844
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:30,560
Speaker 1: I know that motherfucker you you it's just ill, yeah, ill,

845
00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:35,040
Speaker 1: you know, he gets no pass for me, but it

846
00:53:35,080 --> 00:53:39,160
Speaker 1: does it does suck that he had to deal with that. Yeah,

847
00:53:39,239 --> 00:53:41,239
Speaker 1: And I think he had a true hate for his mother.

848
00:53:42,280 --> 00:53:45,040
Speaker 1: He hated his mother, and I think he buried her

849
00:53:45,160 --> 00:53:48,120
Speaker 1: in like a in a in like a This is

850
00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:51,840
Speaker 1: what I heard in an interview from his brother. So

851
00:53:52,040 --> 00:53:58,759
Speaker 1: he buried her, he was crazy, buried her in a

852
00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:03,600
Speaker 1: wooden box, didn't pay for no headstone, buried or badly.

853
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:08,759
Speaker 1: And this is when he was rich. Okay, So he

854
00:54:08,840 --> 00:54:12,160
Speaker 1: had he has a hate for his mother and probably

855
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:17,120
Speaker 1: for his family in general. And it's tainted and traumatized.

856
00:54:17,600 --> 00:54:21,120
Speaker 1: Now that's a traumatized man. I will say that. Damn.

857
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:24,359
Speaker 1: I will say that, you know, but you don't get

858
00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:27,120
Speaker 1: to do that though. You don't get to then go

859
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:30,680
Speaker 1: and do that. Fuck you, fuck you. You You don't get

860
00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:34,160
Speaker 1: to them going nah nah, I'm gonna slap the ship.

861
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:41,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I would intimately get so upset. Na, I'm

862
00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:43,360
Speaker 1: the same way I feel you, like I think you

863
00:54:43,480 --> 00:54:45,960
Speaker 1: said it perfectly, Like I definitely have compassion for what

864
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:48,239
Speaker 1: he'd been through, but I would not accept the things

865
00:54:48,239 --> 00:54:52,920
Speaker 1: he'd done till these little girls. No, can absolutely not that.

866
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:57,600
Speaker 1: It's not there's no excuse for that, there's no for

867
00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:01,000
Speaker 1: that you don't get to do that. You don't get

868
00:55:01,040 --> 00:55:03,840
Speaker 1: to do that. You you should have broke the curse.

869
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:06,720
Speaker 1: That was your job. And if you don't like the curse,

870
00:55:06,920 --> 00:55:08,439
Speaker 1: I don't care if you're I don't give a funk

871
00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:10,120
Speaker 1: who you are. You don't have to be r Kelly.

872
00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:12,239
Speaker 1: I'm gonna feel the same way about you no matter

873
00:55:12,239 --> 00:55:16,960
Speaker 1: who you are. Right well, I appreciate you for coming

874
00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:20,640
Speaker 1: on a show and share your story. I'm so happy

875
00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:23,160
Speaker 1: that we got to finally meet in person, and I'm

876
00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:25,960
Speaker 1: pretty sure this friendship is going to continue to grow.

877
00:55:26,160 --> 00:55:29,040
Speaker 1: So thank you so much, and I'm super proud of you.

878
00:55:29,320 --> 00:55:30,880
Speaker 1: I know we want to keep this anonymous. I'm not

879
00:55:30,880 --> 00:55:33,759
Speaker 1: gonna say too much about what you do, but you know,

880
00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:39,399
Speaker 1: I am a fan. Thank you so much for having me,

881
00:55:39,560 --> 00:55:43,839
Speaker 1: and you know, definitely like I was happy about going

882
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:45,680
Speaker 1: to brunch with you because I'm like, I really want

883
00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 1: to be her friend. I want to be her friend

884
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:50,319
Speaker 1: for real. I feel like she's so cool and you

885
00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:52,359
Speaker 1: remind me of me. And I don't think I knew

886
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:56,720
Speaker 1: you were in Aquarious, and now I know why, because

887
00:55:56,719 --> 00:55:59,200
Speaker 1: we was kicking for at least like what three hours,

888
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:02,040
Speaker 1: four hours? We were in the time was just buying

889
00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:05,640
Speaker 1: by you know, so it was really fun and you know,

890
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:11,000
Speaker 1: definitely definitely gonna sing yes and to the listeners if

891
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:13,040
Speaker 1: you have any questions coming at concerns, so you just

892
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:15,239
Speaker 1: want to say hey girl, hey, please make sure to

893
00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:18,480
Speaker 1: email me and hello at the PhD podcast dot com.

894
00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:24,840
Speaker 1: And until next time, everyone, Later, you're not gonna say bye,

895
00:56:25,120 --> 00:56:27,520
Speaker 1: oh bye bye, y'all,