Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, welcome to hold up. I am one of
Speaker 1: your host I'm Josh Johnson. I'm arresting the Daily Show.
Speaker 1: But I'm joined by how are you gonna wait? No no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no, how are you going to errupt the
Speaker 1: whole time? But then what I clearly tee you up?
Speaker 1: I so clearly teed up for you to say your
Speaker 1: name and what you do and that you're a co host.
Speaker 1: This is where you want to take a pause because
Speaker 1: I was chewing. Tell the people who you are. Hello,
Speaker 1: it is me. Don't say slow. They call me spicy chowder. Okay,
Speaker 1: So this show is it's it's oh god, it's normally
Speaker 1: back and forth, a debate and sometimes an intense battle
Speaker 1: between two friends who are diametrically opposed in a lot
Speaker 1: of ways that don't matter to anyone but us. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think and saved the last day, said Josh is
Speaker 1: Julia styles like what there's no amount of of of
Speaker 1: needless and random shots. You won't take what look, I
Speaker 1: don't even know what you may give your dreams. So
Speaker 1: today on the show, we're gonna be talking about something
Speaker 1: that we're very passionate about. Okay, that in the world
Speaker 1: of Bread. These are two juggernauts. I don't know how
Speaker 1: we landed on opposite sides of this, but it's fine.
Speaker 1: We'll make it through and we'll learn more about each
Speaker 1: other in the process. Today we're talking about croissants versus bagels.
Speaker 1: Pick your sides, baby, it's this what Go and tell
Speaker 1: the people what side you landed on. I'm on croissants
Speaker 1: like a good Christian would be. I'm on bagels like
Speaker 1: a reasonable person. You're right. So there's a lot of
Speaker 1: Christians that are giving us a bad name, very unreasonable,
Speaker 1: not helping at all. They're not paying attention to the book.
Speaker 1: How how did you get here? How did you get
Speaker 1: to this wayward place where you're on the side of
Speaker 1: croissant over bagel. One. We have to remember m hm.
Speaker 1: As we learned in the last episode, I'm not really
Speaker 1: a bread person. Yeah, so I have the things that
Speaker 1: I like, and it usually comes to consistency, texture, and depth, right,
Speaker 1: because usually if you see me with a piece of bread,
Speaker 1: I probably smushed it flat. Doesn't matter how flat it is,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna make it flat. I don't know why. Okay,
Speaker 1: when it comes to a question, mm hmm. One layers.
Speaker 1: We've all seen British breaking show. Okay, you gotta do
Speaker 1: the laminations. Okay, you gotta fold and fold and fold.
Speaker 1: You gotta roll and fold. You to tuck that butter in, Okay,
Speaker 1: to get those crispy, flaky layers. Now, Americans, Pillsberry has
Speaker 1: given us the Crescent roll because they try to act
Speaker 1: like we can't say croissant or a croissant Americans. Pillsbury
Speaker 1: just went just call it a crescent. We're not gonna,
Speaker 1: We're not. We're losing this fight, right alright. So I
Speaker 1: like the flakiness, I like the butteriness. I like the
Speaker 1: versatility of a croissant versatility. Why your eyes getting bad? No, No,
Speaker 1: I'm excited to hear how this is. I just want
Speaker 1: I want you to finish. I'm excited to hear what
Speaker 1: you have to say next. You can do a croissant
Speaker 1: sweet like a pond the trouble off, or you gonna
Speaker 1: do a croissant savory, throw some ham and cheese on
Speaker 1: the beach. I love. One of my favorite breakfast is
Speaker 1: growing up was the croissant sandwich from Burgercame, so my
Speaker 1: preference when it comes to breakfast breads above all else,
Speaker 1: it's croissante. Why are you laughing at me? Are you
Speaker 1: laughing so hard? Are you said actually enjoying croissant from Burger?
Speaker 1: Can you best? Oh? Why? Because you was McMuffin nigger?
Speaker 1: Is that's what it was? You know what? Now? I
Speaker 1: know how you feel. What I attack you because this
Speaker 1: laughter feels like a thousand daggers going against my heart.
Speaker 1: You're laughing at me like somebody who's pronounced a fancy
Speaker 1: word incorrectly, like I was sitting in a fine dieting
Speaker 1: establishment in order to f let mc noon. That's how
Speaker 1: you're laughing at me right now, somebody who went into
Speaker 1: a five star Michelin restaurant and was like, yo, can
Speaker 1: I get a bottle of your pennic? Noar, That's how
Speaker 1: you laughing at me, Like a redneck who just got
Speaker 1: a lot of money and decided to go somewhere expensive. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: You're not laughing at me like that from the best
Speaker 1: Western hotel room. Keep going, keep going. No, Now, why
Speaker 1: are you laughing so hard? I didn't say anything to
Speaker 1: evoke this kind of reaction, because your laugh sounds elitist.
Speaker 1: You just got money? Is that you've never laughed at
Speaker 1: me in my life like this. I have never felt
Speaker 1: this way. It's everything that you're saying because I initially laughed,
Speaker 1: but then you just kept you kept doing jokes to
Speaker 1: my lap, so then that kept being funny. So it's
Speaker 1: now I've laughed myself out of whatever I was laughing at.
Speaker 1: Can now you've laughed at three other things, like not
Speaker 1: an other thing? Oh god, no, keep going, keep going
Speaker 1: for real, for real and no one, oh no, no, no,
Speaker 1: keep going, keep going. I will deserve all judgment at all,
Speaker 1: at all reactions until you're completely done. I just enjoy
Speaker 1: a flaking pitshtry and my favorite breakfast food was a
Speaker 1: croissant sandwich for Burger King with the little hash brown around.
Speaker 1: I like those. I just enjoyed Chrissan because I don't
Speaker 1: really like like, you know, I'm not a fan of toast.
Speaker 1: English muffins are fine. My grandma used to make those
Speaker 1: for us when we were kids, but it's like it's
Speaker 1: one of those breakfast foods. It's like, Okay, this isn't
Speaker 1: gonna be super fucking dry. I can put cream cheese
Speaker 1: on this, I can put jelly on this. It was
Speaker 1: also kind of like sometimes it was like a treat,
Speaker 1: like my mom used to buy. There was one summer
Speaker 1: her my aunt Bibbit found someplace I don't know. They
Speaker 1: would always find the like discount, like a discount store
Speaker 1: or something, but it was like discount. I just called
Speaker 1: to call it like a dented can store. But it
Speaker 1: was next door to the breadhouse. And like, okay, for
Speaker 1: those that don't know, they had breadhouses in Louisiana, right,
Speaker 1: I guess, so it's a so is it when you
Speaker 1: say a breadhouse, do you mean like a bakery or
Speaker 1: it was like a bread outlet almost, so like Intimates
Speaker 1: used to have like an outlet, you know, the people
Speaker 1: like the coffee cake and doughnuts and ship they would
Speaker 1: have their own kind of like outlet store. I feel
Speaker 1: like there was one of those, but I and I
Speaker 1: it's like it's not around anymore, but like you could
Speaker 1: get like my mom used to come home with the
Speaker 1: fucking loaf of bread that I promise you was like
Speaker 1: a foot and a half long, and I was like,
Speaker 1: who the fund is gonna eat all his bread? So
Speaker 1: she didn't have to freeze it otherwise it would just
Speaker 1: go bad. She came home one time with like a
Speaker 1: five pound bag of chicken nuggets, but they were like
Speaker 1: the high quality chicken nuggets because they weren't pre cooked.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, so you really had to put him
Speaker 1: in like, don't work around with these, these are not cooked.
Speaker 1: And then she had a bag of like frozen fresh croissants,
Speaker 1: like basically it was like the dough and they had
Speaker 1: like the instructions for like how to do your own
Speaker 1: eggwash and all this other stuff. And so there's just
Speaker 1: one summer, me and my brother would just you know,
Speaker 1: every couple of days, well, he's you we had almost
Speaker 1: every day. I didn't, but because by the time you
Speaker 1: had a cook but it was grab a couple of
Speaker 1: crows and croissants, put them in an oven for a
Speaker 1: little bit, take them out to eggwash. So then there
Speaker 1: was uh, high quality chicken nuggies. And that was either
Speaker 1: breakfast or lunch or a snack or whatever. So it's
Speaker 1: like I kind of fell in love with croissants, like
Speaker 1: on a summer vacation because that's basically what you know,
Speaker 1: that was my snack every day. Yeah, But I was
Speaker 1: like in like I think it was like eighth grade.
Speaker 1: In between eighth grade granth grade or something like that.
Speaker 1: So let's let's take a step back for a second, then,
Speaker 1: because what I what I cannot do is sit here
Speaker 1: and act like I also don't enjoy a croissant. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna This is not like in past discussions where
Speaker 1: we have liked something that the other person found absolutely disgusting.
Speaker 1: This this is the thing. Croissants yes, flaky, yes um,
Speaker 1: when don right buttery, and when done right and broken apart,
Speaker 1: you can truly see the layers and you can eat
Speaker 1: it in sections. That's the yeah. To me, that's the
Speaker 1: mark of a perfectly baked croissant. The reason that I
Speaker 1: think the bagels are superior. Do you use that word
Speaker 1: a lot? M? I think that bagels edge it out
Speaker 1: over croissans is because you've been watched by New York.
Speaker 1: Go ahead, Wow, you brought up the structure, versatility, and
Speaker 1: the the the way in which it can it can
Speaker 1: perform as a sandwich. And to that, I say that
Speaker 1: bagels are always going to edge out over croissans because
Speaker 1: croissans allow them are too flimsy, allow them are too flaky,
Speaker 1: that they don't have the structural integrity to uphold the
Speaker 1: meats and cheeses that we want to use to make
Speaker 1: them a sandwich. But what you have to remember is
Speaker 1: if you're using a bagel as the buns your bread
Speaker 1: of a sandwich, there's a hole in the middle. Okay,
Speaker 1: so you're gonna you're not gonna get that three sixty pressure. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're gonna push. Things are gonna shoot out the sides.
Speaker 1: You're not gonna have the overall. It's that Also, that's
Speaker 1: a big bite. Like with a bagel. It's I'm not
Speaker 1: a fucking copper head. Why am I unhinging my jaw? Oh?
Speaker 1: Then you're doing it wrong because you have to get
Speaker 1: the bagel toasted and pressed. All right, But if I
Speaker 1: order a bagel, bagel order Wait, what do you mean pressed?
Speaker 1: So when they toast them, there there's two ways to
Speaker 1: toast a bagel. You can either pop it in the
Speaker 1: toaster and get a little toasty on either side and
Speaker 1: then put your jam or put your butter or whatever.
Speaker 1: Or you can have the whole thing pressed so it's
Speaker 1: a little bit flatter. So now you're not biting more
Speaker 1: than the consistency of a sandwich. You're not You're not
Speaker 1: biting over the level. You're not trying to bite a
Speaker 1: whole wall, try to bite into the bagel. Okay, here's
Speaker 1: my other question. I'll see people they'll get a bagel,
Speaker 1: cut it in half and then start pulling the bread
Speaker 1: out of the bagel. What's that? I don't know what
Speaker 1: that's called. I've seen some people do it. I don't
Speaker 1: do that because I actually want my bagel. That's that's
Speaker 1: someone who is living a half in, half out lifestyle. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's someone that doesn't want to acknowledge. Just eat the bagel. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't get that cutting it in half and then
Speaker 1: ripping out the parts and then putting stuff in or
Speaker 1: just eating it after you've ripped out the actual bread.
Speaker 1: But it sounds like you just want the skin of
Speaker 1: a babe. That's someone. Yeah, and skin of a bagel
Speaker 1: sounds like a serial killer. Um oh, you could make
Speaker 1: the most New York mystery ever. But you have a
Speaker 1: killer just coming out where and get batagels skins o
Speaker 1: the bagel skin killer? Yes? Why just find out there's
Speaker 1: people that do that and then they just take it
Speaker 1: and then they have a whole like leather face fucking
Speaker 1: mak of just different types of bagels. They've sewn together.
Speaker 1: And you know we k because at the scene of
Speaker 1: every murder is the seasoning from everything bagle. There's just
Speaker 1: sesame seeds, just seas all over the place, just poppy seeds,
Speaker 1: poppy seeds everywhere. Fucking nonsense, just the New York nonsense
Speaker 1: around a fucking bagel is just exhausted, Like the way
Speaker 1: people are just so pressed about like a New York
Speaker 1: style bagel and this, and I'm just like, it's it's
Speaker 1: hot bread. I don't want to I'm tired of these things.
Speaker 1: I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. I don't want to do
Speaker 1: this anymore. It's like, you know, our bagels are the best, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but your infrastructure is crumbling. Who gives a fuck. You
Speaker 1: own nothing. You don't own a motherfucking thing in your life.
Speaker 1: You're fifty years old, you don't own anything, and you're
Speaker 1: arguing with me about a bagel. You need to get
Speaker 1: your life choices better together. I don't understand it. I
Speaker 1: don't understand the mystique or any of it. It's I
Speaker 1: don't get it. It's like the way people talk about pizzas, like, oh,
Speaker 1: New York SI pizza. Who gives a fucking fuck, it's
Speaker 1: hot bread with sauce on it. I don't I just
Speaker 1: I don't get it. This is what I'll say about
Speaker 1: the New York thing is not part of my argument,
Speaker 1: because to me, the New York bagel is part of
Speaker 1: the bagel you know, folklore. But it's not why I
Speaker 1: love bagels, so geography, because like, do they actually taste different?
Speaker 1: They that that actually is a real thing. Depending on
Speaker 1: the water and depending on the way that someone makes
Speaker 1: it will make it tastes different, which is why sometimes
Speaker 1: people get in an uproar that are from New York
Speaker 1: when they have other bagels. I guess the thing can
Speaker 1: be saying about like anything. It's like, okay, this beef
Speaker 1: was grass fed, and you know this beef you know insulation.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Yeah, no, no, it could be said
Speaker 1: about anything, and I will even go this far. It's
Speaker 1: not as noticeable to me when I'm having a bagel
Speaker 1: from New York versus a bagel from somewhere else that
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not it's not ingrained in my taste buds.
Speaker 1: I'm having a New York bagel right now versus anywhere else.
Speaker 1: I think that for me, it's it's bagels have a
Speaker 1: better structural hold for sandwiches than croissants do to me,
Speaker 1: because I I think that having bacon, egg and cheese
Speaker 1: on something a bacon, egg and cheese croissants falling apart quickly,
Speaker 1: especially if it's a croissant that's cooked well, if it's
Speaker 1: not one of these Doughey fake croissants. I have had
Speaker 1: a bad croissant, and I've had a bad bagel, and
Speaker 1: I've been more pissed about a bad croissant then I've
Speaker 1: ever been about a bad bagel. Just mad. Now was
Speaker 1: where'd you get this? Because I've had recently had three
Speaker 1: back croissans in three different places. No, two of them
Speaker 1: were my fault. Two of them were truly on me
Speaker 1: because one I got in an airport and that's the
Speaker 1: one where I had it where it was bad. Yeah, airport. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And and the thing is the crazy thing about airport
Speaker 1: croissans is that they're either no matter what you do,
Speaker 1: you you're they're gonna be bad because they're either bad
Speaker 1: because the little bakery that the airport has is in
Speaker 1: a real bakery or because their prepackaged croissants and they're
Speaker 1: super fucking dry. Yeah, yeah, So in my opinion, when
Speaker 1: I've had prepackaged bagels, I still got the same bagel
Speaker 1: texture and hold for my sandwich that I needed. I'll
Speaker 1: say the only bagel that I've ever truly enjoyed have
Speaker 1: been from Panera Bread only because I haven't eaten a lot.
Speaker 1: I don't eat bagels on a regular basis. I think
Speaker 1: for me, again, it's a texture thing. It's it's too
Speaker 1: much bread. Like usually when I get a bagel, I
Speaker 1: only want half a bagel. I've never eaten a whole
Speaker 1: bagel and been like, Yes, of the time, if I'm
Speaker 1: eating a bagel, it's because I need to eat something. Okay,
Speaker 1: So do you think that if someone gave you now
Speaker 1: I wanna. I'm trying to make this as fair as
Speaker 1: possible because I understand what you're saying about too much bread,
Speaker 1: because I've also had times in my life where I
Speaker 1: had a bagel that couldn't finish. If you had a
Speaker 1: bagel cut in half, toasted with the butter on, it
Speaker 1: does that change? Like, so we're splitting a bag You
Speaker 1: and I are splitting one bagel right now, we each
Speaker 1: got half, we each got toast the weach got it. Butter.
Speaker 1: Does that change your opinion on bagels at all? Where's
Speaker 1: the rest of the stuff When you say the rest
Speaker 1: of the stuff, I was just making it a buttered
Speaker 1: bagel because you talked about a butter croissan that. No,
Speaker 1: I need more from a bagel. If I'm eating a bagel,
Speaker 1: there has to be cream cheese or peanut butter has
Speaker 1: to be. I will not eat a bagel if there's
Speaker 1: no cream cheese, peanut butter. I won't to do it.
Speaker 1: Cut a bagel half, put in a toaster for a
Speaker 1: little bit, then put some butter on it, put it
Speaker 1: back in the toaster. That's a toasty and then I'm
Speaker 1: gonna put on some cream cheese and some jelly and
Speaker 1: a little pepper strawberry jelly specifically, or I'm gonna do
Speaker 1: peanut butter. And if I'm doing peanut butter, might do
Speaker 1: a little honey with it. I might not. But the
Speaker 1: wildest that you're gonna hate this, old people are gonna
Speaker 1: hate this to say this is my bagel. Right. I
Speaker 1: took the bagel and then I cut it the length
Speaker 1: waves you know you can cut a bakele open bam.
Speaker 1: Then so I got it. So I cut it watch bam.
Speaker 1: Then I was like, man, I kept smishing and smishing
Speaker 1: and smishing this bagel and it wouldn't get flat. So
Speaker 1: then I had to cut it in half again. So
Speaker 1: then I had like four slices. Your face is wild.
Speaker 1: They just reminded me, I need to check on my time.
Speaker 1: I got you. I think it's dead. Um so and
Speaker 1: what did you want out of this? At one point
Speaker 1: I was like, I got too much bagel now, But
Speaker 1: I had too much bagel to start with, which is
Speaker 1: why I cut it up to so many pieces. And
Speaker 1: then those middle pieces that were just you know, I
Speaker 1: put the was in the toaster and then the heels.
Speaker 1: I ate them, but I didn't want to Oh my god,
Speaker 1: well it took me all It took me all day
Speaker 1: to eat this bagel because I didn't want to waste it,
Speaker 1: but you just wanted to mutilate it. Not honestly. It
Speaker 1: put me in the mind of like bagel chips, because
Speaker 1: you know, we have a bagel chip and you have
Speaker 1: like the whole middle, just like the middle of a bagel. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what I had. I really enjoyed it because it
Speaker 1: got very crispy, and then I put my cream cheese
Speaker 1: on it. It was nice. So if anyone out there
Speaker 1: is listening, there's definitely a market for a quarter of
Speaker 1: the sized bagels. That's why many bagels. I love many bagels. Yeah,
Speaker 1: many bagels. And then here's the thing I will throw
Speaker 1: out there for a second. Croissants have a very short
Speaker 1: especially the ones that are made right, they have a
Speaker 1: very short shelf life. You gotta eat them when you
Speaker 1: get them. Yeah, gotta eat them when you get them.
Speaker 1: Bagels not so much. But there's something in bagels. I
Speaker 1: think maybe because of the butter content of a bagel,
Speaker 1: and maybe it's because of like the fact that they're
Speaker 1: boiled and like a I think they're boiling like a
Speaker 1: baking soda solution to get like the outside, to get
Speaker 1: that skin on it, and then they bake them. There's
Speaker 1: not not a butter in a bag There's a bunch
Speaker 1: of butter in a croissant, and I think that's what
Speaker 1: shortens the shelf life of it. And by speaking to
Speaker 1: longevity right here, bagel's got that longevity. So if you don't,
Speaker 1: let's say you are in a situation where you're like,
Speaker 1: I can only eat half this bagel right now. The
Speaker 1: other half will be waiting for you when you get back.
Speaker 1: But it's never good once you cut it, once you
Speaker 1: break the seal on a bagel. I disagree, though, I
Speaker 1: feel like it depends on what side you eat. M
Speaker 1: M what Why don't you break a steal on a
Speaker 1: bagel that's not getting off stade it's got a glad bag,
Speaker 1: break the seal on the bagel? What you slice it open?
Speaker 1: Like the half life starts kicking in. But like I
Speaker 1: love old man, Like you know you've ever gotten like
Speaker 1: the big thing of Croissans from like a Kroger's. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's exactly what I'm talking about. You can't do that
Speaker 1: with crossan Oh them ships, last thought, them big ones
Speaker 1: that come from the Crockers the big way. The big
Speaker 1: Croissans that come from the Kroger last in a bit.
Speaker 1: Consider that one isn't like a like the cake ben
Speaker 1: then't last. Now, how long do you need a bagel?
Speaker 1: The last I'm just saying throughout the week? Okay, So
Speaker 1: I will buy maybe five in that little packet, that
Speaker 1: little packet bag of five, and then have one every day,
Speaker 1: and by the fifth day that fifth one is still
Speaker 1: good because the actual expiration date on is for like
Speaker 1: two weeks. Here's the thing. I could never eat a
Speaker 1: bag all one day after the other. One bagel in
Speaker 1: a week, maybe two, but day after day after day
Speaker 1: of a bagel. Nah. Look, let me tell you what
Speaker 1: kept me filled when I didn't have money in the bank.
Speaker 1: All right, listen, these are this I hear you know.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying I enjoyed it, though it wasn't some like,
Speaker 1: oh I'm struggling thing. I was like, man, I get
Speaker 1: a bagel every day. It's something, But you prefaced it
Speaker 1: with the struggle. I know. But I'm saying I only
Speaker 1: even thought to do it because I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is cheap and it's good. So you just learned
Speaker 1: to buy groceries. I mean, this was like right out
Speaker 1: of college. So yeah, m I guess I always had,
Speaker 1: like I don't know, I always have like decent jobs.
Speaker 1: I don't know. What I'm saying is that a bagel
Speaker 1: every day is too much for me. One thing I
Speaker 1: can say is this has been one of the tamest
Speaker 1: conversations that we've had. But I just you have been
Speaker 1: really coming from my neck because you really are like
Speaker 1: I'm in this to win it. I am superior. My
Speaker 1: thing is a superior race. So I'm just trying, Like, man,
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that Josh is just taking it e
Speaker 1: because you would be aggressive, which I'm so glad to
Speaker 1: see aggressive. Josh is one of my favorite josh Is.
Speaker 1: But you know you have not swayed me on the bagel.
Speaker 1: I can't believe I haven't. I feel all you said
Speaker 1: you because mushy flat. I gave you texture, I gave
Speaker 1: you flavor, and you just said it's good me over
Speaker 1: poor people, that's what you said. Okay, Look, if you
Speaker 1: want to talk about texture, you really want to get
Speaker 1: into texture. There are so many flavors bagel that will
Speaker 1: give you everything you will ever need from texture and
Speaker 1: bread and flavor. So you're saying that the texture change
Speaker 1: based on the flavor of the bagel. M hmm. It
Speaker 1: depends some of them. Do. Like I think I've never
Speaker 1: had a problem biting into a cinnamon raisin bagel in
Speaker 1: the same way that sometimes in everything bagel can be
Speaker 1: a bit tough. And I think it's because in the
Speaker 1: preparation for making a cinnamon raisin bagel, they're like a
Speaker 1: lot of people are gonna be be making bacon, egg
Speaker 1: and cheeses with these so we can chill. We can
Speaker 1: just let people cut it in half and spread some
Speaker 1: jam on it and go to work. So you're saying
Speaker 1: that a cinnamon bagel because it's not going to put
Speaker 1: through the rigors the work. It's not gonna be called
Speaker 1: in an active duty to become a sausage, egg and cheese,
Speaker 1: a bacon, egg and cheese, a locks and cream cheese situation.
Speaker 1: It could be more dainty, more delicate, because it's not
Speaker 1: going to be called to withstand being a sandwich, while
Speaker 1: these other flavors, like a plain bagel knows that he's
Speaker 1: in the trenches. Mm hmm, okay, you know who's not
Speaker 1: called to be in the trenches? Who crossant? No one
Speaker 1: is asking a croissant to live like that, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Croissants always live in a light lifestyle.
Speaker 1: Get the hell. Oh my god, I made Judge Cuss.
Speaker 1: I made Judge Cass didn't, dude. I'm telling you right
Speaker 1: now that what a croissant can't do is anything but
Speaker 1: lay there and be buttery and flaky all right when
Speaker 1: you try to make Are you saying that a croissant
Speaker 1: is a pillow princess. Is that what you're saying a crossan,
Speaker 1: I'm saying it lays that like a star fi. No,
Speaker 1: how dare you you brought this out? You asked for
Speaker 1: this because this is the thing I let it go
Speaker 1: before when you were like, oh, when you make a
Speaker 1: sandwich out of a bagel, there's a hole in the middle.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something right now. The shape of
Speaker 1: a croissande means that a whole bunch of lettuces, a
Speaker 1: whole bunch of a rugals, a whole bunch of hams
Speaker 1: are gonna be getting missed by. That's because you're not
Speaker 1: getting the right size croissants. I have had croissants, because
Speaker 1: you can make a croissant flat if you're dealing with
Speaker 1: the croissants, you because the thing is, there's those long croissants, right,
Speaker 1: and then there's the one that they make more squat, right,
Speaker 1: they make it more round because they know all they
Speaker 1: do when is turning these croissans and the sandwiches. Okay,
Speaker 1: there are certain croissans, just like there's certain bagels that
Speaker 1: have different you know, they're doing a different thing based
Speaker 1: on the flavorings a croissant, based on what it's doing.
Speaker 1: You can make a ham and trees croissant while the
Speaker 1: croissant is in the process of becoming a croissant, so
Speaker 1: you can integrate the ham and upon the chocolate is
Speaker 1: because you put a chocolate bar inside of croissant and
Speaker 1: you put and you change the shape of it, right,
Speaker 1: so now it's baked in. Alright. That's something that's something
Speaker 1: different than slice on the croissant open and swamping and
Speaker 1: you're swiping a teller on that bitch. When you're making
Speaker 1: a croissant and you put the ham and cheese while
Speaker 1: it's in the process, when it's a weak girl. Okay,
Speaker 1: when it's step one at the bakery and they're sitting
Speaker 1: up folding and laminating and making them layers, and you
Speaker 1: throw the ham and cheese and like that boom. You've
Speaker 1: never had a ham and cheese bagel where ham and
Speaker 1: cheese is part of the bagel from day one. Okay,
Speaker 1: no one's putting fillings and bagels. You put it on
Speaker 1: top of bagels all day. I get, yeah, but wait what, Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is my thing. This is this is where I'm
Speaker 1: asking where I maybe got lost. I'm saying that if
Speaker 1: we're talking about these two things as sandwiches. Usually a
Speaker 1: bagel will cover more ground than a croissant because I'm
Speaker 1: depending on the shape of the croissant. Yeah, you're going
Speaker 1: to get different outcomes. But that's what I've watched though,
Speaker 1: when you go to Starbucks, when you go to some
Speaker 1: of these bakeries that have the little display sandwich and
Speaker 1: they have like almost completely a rectangular or square cut
Speaker 1: of meat, but they have the triangle croissant. In my head,
Speaker 1: I'm like, why would anybody want that? You have to
Speaker 1: then fold it yourself into itself just to eat it
Speaker 1: like a sandwich. I hear what you're saying. Yeah, when
Speaker 1: you try to put a square into a triangle, you're
Speaker 1: gonna have two flaps of meat that are just waving.
Speaker 1: But it's just like when you get a bagel sandwich
Speaker 1: and lettuces and you've got square cheese on a round bagel.
Speaker 1: You've got square meats on a round bagel, you got
Speaker 1: lettish shapes on a round stuff hangs out on a
Speaker 1: on a bagel. Sandwich shoe not as much though, Listen,
Speaker 1: you're not working with the right kind of croissans. Baby.
Speaker 1: I love a chicken salad on a croissant. Mm. Hmm,
Speaker 1: like a chicken salad sand organ a croissant. That sounds
Speaker 1: like too much for me. I mean, you love spaghetti,
Speaker 1: so of course it is. What I'm saying is that
Speaker 1: you as a simple man, Joshua, while I, on the
Speaker 1: other hand, enjoy a decadent, opulent life. We'll look of croissants,
Speaker 1: listnya and vanilla ice cream. You sound insane at the moment.
Speaker 1: Listen when don't I Well, that's your friends with me,
Speaker 1: because I say wild. If I was as logical as you,
Speaker 1: this would not be any fun. Sure, but I'm sad.
Speaker 1: If I've made as much sense as you did all
Speaker 1: the time, you wouldn't like that. I think this is
Speaker 1: what I think. This, This is what I think is
Speaker 1: happening right now. No no, no, no, no no, trust me,
Speaker 1: trust me. You're not doing as well as you think.
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm doing bad. Listen, I don't think
Speaker 1: i'm doing It doesn't matter how well I'm doing. I
Speaker 1: don't think i'm doing bad well. I think that you
Speaker 1: have mistaken the poor knockoffs of croissants. You're conflating them
Speaker 1: with the actual croissans, because with bagels there's there's a
Speaker 1: level of uniformity, a circle, fake bagel. Okay, these crescent rolls,
Speaker 1: these burger king sandwich croissant cheese like abominations, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: stop you right there. I'm gonna stop you right there.
Speaker 1: Do I eat crescent rolls? No? Because I know it's
Speaker 1: American foolishness. Okay, I've never made them. I've never tried
Speaker 1: to make them. Unless somebody's making pigs in a blanket.
Speaker 1: I'm not eating a crescent roll. I'm going to get
Speaker 1: your real bakery, fluffy croissants. But croissants do come in
Speaker 1: different shapes. But I will not sit here and let
Speaker 1: you slander the burger king croissande because that that right there,
Speaker 1: that's a sturdy, thick ass croissant that's holding up to sausage,
Speaker 1: egg and cheese. And it's not a thin, flimsy croissant.
Speaker 1: It's the thickest croissant I've ever laid my good American
Speaker 1: eyes off. It's a fat croissant, Brazilian butt lift of croissants.
Speaker 1: Whoa wow? See you say you can't say I say
Speaker 1: wild ship because I'm gonna tell you this, the number
Speaker 1: of times I've had bagels and thought I was eating wax. Okay,
Speaker 1: the number of times I went to cut into a
Speaker 1: bagel and it pushed back out a knife and said no,
Speaker 1: thank you. Mm hmmmmm. One of the I'm telling you
Speaker 1: the number of officers that I have worked at, there's
Speaker 1: number a time in your life to make you rethink
Speaker 1: your decisions. When you were trying to cut a military
Speaker 1: grade fucking bagel, what a plastic kitchen knife? I have
Speaker 1: a breakthrough. There is nothing to make you rethink your
Speaker 1: decisions like trying to cut one of these w w
Speaker 1: E hulkamania fucking cris fucking many bagels with a plastic
Speaker 1: Have you ever tried to cut pa You go with
Speaker 1: a plastic fork and realize you was cutting for too long.
Speaker 1: But a plastic knife. But do that and plastic knives
Speaker 1: to real knife fights. Alright, blame the bagel. Hold on,
Speaker 1: hold on, I don't bring plastic knives because the knife
Speaker 1: in my purse is metal. I'm talking about the knife
Speaker 1: in the break room that just because you were because
Speaker 1: you weren't adequately set up for success. You can't then
Speaker 1: blame the bagel. Bread should be able to be cut
Speaker 1: by serration. Okay, if you out here with these industrial bagels.
Speaker 1: Then you need industrial equipment I shouldn't been given. You
Speaker 1: can't blame the bagel, but the bagel was wrong. Okay,
Speaker 1: you got this fake ass being himself. All right, you
Speaker 1: changed the bagel, okay, trying to Hey, why can't you
Speaker 1: be like this? Why can't you be a rare bagel?
Speaker 1: You out here being cheap. It's obviously that your yea's cheap.
Speaker 1: Your flower reused. Okay, bagel out here looking like it
Speaker 1: was reconstituted, all right, fucking freeze dry bagel. No, I
Speaker 1: have gone toll to toll with a bagel. I don't
Speaker 1: want to do it again. The crumbling, Okay, dust everywhere.
Speaker 1: You gotta bite down, hunh you gonna open your mouth
Speaker 1: back up, don't put me in there. The number of
Speaker 1: times I had a bagel so dry. Ain't enough cream
Speaker 1: cheese on this good world, on this soon to be
Speaker 1: doomed planet for some of these bagels out here. Don't
Speaker 1: you act like that all these bagels are good, they
Speaker 1: all created equal. Don't you do that? Don't you dare
Speaker 1: do that? Rude? So you know we're gonna do We're
Speaker 1: gonna kick it over to the listeners. That's what's gonna
Speaker 1: happen because this is truly, truly and M passed it.
Speaker 1: M passed because it's like, all we can do is
Speaker 1: sling insults, and that's not what I want to do.
Speaker 1: What I want to do is take a nap. So
Speaker 1: what's not going to happen is you to continue. There's
Speaker 1: no fake croissants right in the same way that I
Speaker 1: don't think that there's fake bagels. I don't think that
Speaker 1: there's fake faked goods. Now. Do I feel like they
Speaker 1: are made at different qualities? Yes? Like everything, you know,
Speaker 1: sometimes you're out here fucking with the best. Sometimes you
Speaker 1: gotta off shoot all right, Sometimes you're having fine dying experiences,
Speaker 1: and sometimes you're in the drive through. It is what
Speaker 1: it is. But we have to say that we have
Speaker 1: our preferences and yours are usually wrong. Wow. Mm hm,
Speaker 1: I knew you'd sneak it in. Listen, you started, you take,
Speaker 1: asked the opportunity, you'd be completely reasonable, and then the
Speaker 1: last second you would slap the books out of my head. Hand. Yo,
Speaker 1: there's nothing funnier than slapping the books out of somebody says,
Speaker 1: I don't know why it's so funny. It's very funny.
Speaker 1: Because when you get the books slapped out of your head,
Speaker 1: the first thing you do is look down between your
Speaker 1: open arms of the books. And that is funny that. Listen,
Speaker 1: in your life, have you had the book slapped out more?
Speaker 1: Or have you slapped more books? Look at who you're
Speaker 1: talking to? Why would you even ask me that? Because
Speaker 1: I wanted to know what the answer was, because I
Speaker 1: want to know that I was accurate. But I can
Speaker 1: say that I'm a strong fifty fifty for books slapping
Speaker 1: and books slapped out of hand, but I can't say
Speaker 1: it's always been in jest. So yeah, listen, I did
Speaker 1: what I always do. I showed you that I'm a
Speaker 1: reasonable person who can agree with opinions that are stated
Speaker 1: as facts when you are always going to say that
Speaker 1: I live a wild and chaotic life because I like
Speaker 1: the things that I like. So I can say that
Speaker 1: you are out of your damn mind. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong?
Speaker 1: You eating the bagels like sucking on a sweater. We're
Speaker 1: fully aware of this. What are you saying right now?
Speaker 1: So we're gonna throw into the listeners. I realized I
Speaker 1: laugh way more on this than you do. I tried
Speaker 1: so hard this episode to really find some common ground.
Speaker 1: We did. I tried to offer up nuanced takes and
Speaker 1: opinions and why are you talking like that? But still
Speaker 1: what to the last what do you mean you come
Speaker 1: for me and you attack the things I love and
Speaker 1: put them down in a way that is that? Is
Speaker 1: that that that that that's like cartoonish in the way
Speaker 1: that you come. It's not like sucking on sweater at all. Nope,
Speaker 1: not like that, like a cat making biscuits, not like
Speaker 1: that either. It is a delicious treat. It's a way
Speaker 1: to start your day, all right, Just get sliced bread.
Speaker 1: Why are you in here putting ear muffs on meat
Speaker 1: and cheese? Sucking insane? So we just want to say
Speaker 1: thank you all so much for listening. We appreciate you,
Speaker 1: and we hope a great time hearing our chad back
Speaker 1: and forth about this thing that one of us is
Speaker 1: very passionate about and want us is very wrong about. Okay,
Speaker 1: who's who's passionate? This is never gonna be a safe
Speaker 1: space to express my opinion because Josh starts out by
Speaker 1: saying that his position is superior at the beginning of
Speaker 1: every single episode. This is the one thousand, four hundred
Speaker 1: and eighty third episode of this podcast, and Josh Johnson
Speaker 1: every single time talks about how his position is superior. Listen,
Speaker 1: I did not sit up and do eight thousand episodes
Speaker 1: of this podcast to be treated this way. Okay, we've
Speaker 1: been recording this podcast this nineteen. I do not understand
Speaker 1: why I have been subjected to such truement. Everything that
Speaker 1: you have said is demonstrably false. Like I can't even
Speaker 1: I can't even be okay. First of all, I opened
Speaker 1: up the episode by saying I can't hate on croissants.
Speaker 1: I can't act like you didn't you did, You said
Speaker 1: you can't hate on it and then called George superior.
Speaker 1: I said, I said it edges it out. Listen, it's okay,
Speaker 1: you tell me it's okay. After everything this episode, you
Speaker 1: got sit here and be like this is okay. What
Speaker 1: at the end of every episode, I feel like a
Speaker 1: crazy person because you've taken me to a place that
Speaker 1: I had no intention of going. But this is actually
Speaker 1: the most docile when we've had sure in a long time.
Speaker 1: Because the last one you were getting spaghetti versus Lasaiah.
Speaker 1: You didn't know what to do with yourself. I didn't
Speaker 1: know what to do with myself. So what shows do
Speaker 1: you have going? I'm gonna be in the hide Out
Speaker 1: Chicago on Friday, septemb Doors at seven pm, show at
Speaker 1: seven thirty, and then the one woman show that I'm producing,
Speaker 1: Don't Reach in the Bed, written by and starring Chill
Speaker 1: was Sharp. It's going to be at nine at thirty. Hey,
Speaker 1: Josh went open for me. For those of you that
Speaker 1: are comic, you don't know how funny what I did.
Speaker 1: Just well, if you're looking to catch up with me
Speaker 1: on the road, you can find me at the Sacramento
Speaker 1: Punchline October six. Hey, Josh, let me open for you.
Speaker 1: Check out the shows, get your tickets now, and uh
Speaker 1: we'll see you lie even in person if you come
Speaker 1: to see us, have a great rest of the day
Speaker 1: and a wonderful weekend. No, he don't. Now, you're just
Speaker 1: saying things like they have no context. This has been
Speaker 1: hold up. We've covered conscious rap versus club bangers, bars
Speaker 1: versus body wash, diners versus waffle houses, all sorts of things.
Speaker 1: What else should we be talking about? We want to
Speaker 1: know from you. Let us know, drop us a comment
Speaker 1: or hit hold up on social at the Daily Show,