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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we

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Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information

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Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to

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Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to

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Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental

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Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me

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Speaker 1: for a session forty of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to record an episode today talking about a

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Speaker 1: question that I've gotten a couple of times in the inbox.

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Speaker 1: A couple of questions have come in asking how will

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Speaker 1: I know if I need any therapists are asking for

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Speaker 1: feedback about whether it's time to switch therapists. So I

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Speaker 1: wanted to talk with you about three ways that you

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Speaker 1: might know that it is actually time to go ahead

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Speaker 1: and start looking for a new therapist. So the first

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Speaker 1: one is it's just not clicking. So sometimes despite our

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Speaker 1: best efforts, we just won't mess with the therapist. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to me that anything is wrong with you

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Speaker 1: or the therapists. It just might not be a match.

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Speaker 1: We have to remember that the therapeutic relationship is much

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Speaker 1: like any other relationship, and you just won't click with everybody.

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Speaker 1: You do, however, want to make sure that you've given

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Speaker 1: it sometimes to actually work through. So even though therapy

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Speaker 1: is a relationship, it is definitely more one sided than

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Speaker 1: other relationships in your life. You're probably used to sharing

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Speaker 1: all types of personal stuff with your friends, and of

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Speaker 1: course your therapist is likely not sharing a whole bunch,

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Speaker 1: and this means that it might take a little longer

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Speaker 1: for you to feel comfortable in the space. You probably

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Speaker 1: won't start off feeling like you can share everything, but

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Speaker 1: within a few sessions you should know whether a therapist

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Speaker 1: helps to create a safe environment and that eventually you

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Speaker 1: could see yourself opening up more. The second reason you

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Speaker 1: might know that it's time to switch to a new

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Speaker 1: therapist is that the therapist has said or done something insensitive, disrespectful,

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Speaker 1: or inappropriate. One of the most important factors that will

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Speaker 1: contribute to whether therapy will be effective for you is safety,

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Speaker 1: both physical and emotional. Safety. If a therapist does anything

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Speaker 1: to undermine this safety, then it's probably time to move on.

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Speaker 1: I'm referring to things like making comments that are racist, sexist,

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Speaker 1: or discriminatory in some other way, making comments that feel

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Speaker 1: sexual in nature, are making comments that cause you to

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Speaker 1: question the validity of your feelings and experiences in a

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Speaker 1: way that moves you backwards and not forward. For example,

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Speaker 1: if you went to one of your therapy sessions commenting

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Speaker 1: about the increased stress you've been experiencing due to the

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Speaker 1: number of unarmed black people you've heard about being killed

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Speaker 1: by police, and your therapist says something like, well, let's

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Speaker 1: think about what the police might be feeling in that moment,

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Speaker 1: then that therapist has now taken the focus off you

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Speaker 1: and you're presenting concerned and made it more about them.

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Speaker 1: That is the kind of thing that makes someone feel

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Speaker 1: invisible and invalidated in therapy, and it makes it impossible

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Speaker 1: to feel safe and feel like you can fully share

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Speaker 1: your concerns in a space. Now. I do want to

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Speaker 1: make sure that we differentiate disrespectful and inappropriate comments from

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Speaker 1: comments that just might make you feel some type of

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Speaker 1: way or challenge you, so there's no way around it.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes therapy is hard work, and sometimes you will not

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Speaker 1: like what your therapist has to say. That's totally fine,

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Speaker 1: But when this happens, I want you to sit with

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Speaker 1: what's making you uncomfortable about what your therapist has said.

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Speaker 1: It could be that they're touching on something you didn't

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Speaker 1: want to deal with it, or seeing you in a

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Speaker 1: way that no one else has before, and of course

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Speaker 1: that feels very uncomfortable and vulnerable. This is not a

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Speaker 1: sign that you need a new therapist. In fact, it

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Speaker 1: may actually be a sign that you found a great match.

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Speaker 1: The third way you might know that it's time to

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Speaker 1: find a new therapist is that you feel like therapy

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Speaker 1: is simply not effective. It's just not working. You're not

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Speaker 1: feeling better, and you don't feel like your concerns are

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Speaker 1: really being addressed. This might be related to the fact

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Speaker 1: that the therapist doesn't have enough x ortisse to really

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Speaker 1: help you with your concern but it might also be

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Speaker 1: related to there being some type of disruption in the

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Speaker 1: relationship that neither you are the therapist has been able

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Speaker 1: to name or work through. Either way, if you've given

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Speaker 1: it some time and just feel like you're not getting

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Speaker 1: the help you need, then it may be time to

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Speaker 1: move on. This may also be the case if your

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Speaker 1: work with a particular therapist is done. Once you've worked

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Speaker 1: with a therapist for some time and work through what

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Speaker 1: brought you to therapy, you may begin to feel like

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Speaker 1: nothing more is happening. If you feel like there's no

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Speaker 1: forward movement anymore, it could mean that your time with

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Speaker 1: this particular therapist is done and that maybe you need

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Speaker 1: another therapist to help you continue on your healing journey,

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Speaker 1: or you could just be done with therapy for the time.

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Speaker 1: So now, much like other relationships, even when we've decided

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Speaker 1: that it may be time to end the relationship, it

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Speaker 1: can still be difficult and sometimes awkward. So I do

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Speaker 1: want to offer you some suggestions about how to end

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Speaker 1: the relationship with your therapists. So the first suggestion is

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Speaker 1: to have the conversation in person, if at all possible.

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Speaker 1: So once you've decided that you're ready to move on

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Speaker 1: from working with the therapists, I suggest starting off your

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Speaker 1: very next session stating this, Please do not have this

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Speaker 1: be one of those things you say as you're walking

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Speaker 1: out of the office that does not give you this

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Speaker 1: time to kind of fully articulate what you've been feeling

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Speaker 1: and that you want to end the relationship, so please

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Speaker 1: make sure that you give this conversation some time to happen.

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Speaker 1: If the relationship just isn't a good match or it's

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Speaker 1: not working, then it's totally okay to say so. Now,

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Speaker 1: this again is only related to if you feel like

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Speaker 1: the relationship has just not been a good match. If

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Speaker 1: the therapist has been inappropriate or disrespectful in some way,

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Speaker 1: then I would not necessarily encourage you to sit down

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Speaker 1: with them, as that might lead to them trying to

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Speaker 1: defend themselves and talk about why you misinterpreted a situation,

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Speaker 1: and it might actually lead to you feeling worse. So

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Speaker 1: I would not suggest this if you have felt um

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Speaker 1: invalidated or disrespected from a therapist, if they've been inappropriate

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Speaker 1: in any way, I would not encourage this conversation. But

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Speaker 1: if it is just the case of not working out,

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Speaker 1: then it's okay to say so. You likely won't be

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Speaker 1: the first person to have ended a therapeutic relationship with us,

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Speaker 1: and it's actually very good practice for you asserting your

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Speaker 1: needs and learning how to say goodbye. Many times we

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Speaker 1: just go to the situation when it's no longer a

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Speaker 1: good fit, but it's actually very therapeutic to be able

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Speaker 1: to learn how to have a healthy ending. And when

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Speaker 1: you're thinking about who your next therapist might be, make

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Speaker 1: yourself a list of what didn't work out with this

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Speaker 1: particular therapist. Most therapists will ask as a part of

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Speaker 1: their intake about any previous therapy that you've had and

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Speaker 1: what was the outcome. You want to be honest with

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Speaker 1: a new perspective therapist about what happened and see if

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Speaker 1: that can be avoided in a new therapeutic relationship. Being

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Speaker 1: clear about what you thought wasn't a good fit may

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Speaker 1: also help you to ask better questions on the front

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Speaker 1: end when you're interviewing new therapists. So if you have

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Speaker 1: had the experience of having to quote unquote work up

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Speaker 1: with your therapists, then I definitely would love to hear

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Speaker 1: about that, how that conversation went, what led you to

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Speaker 1: decide that it was time to end that relationship, to

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Speaker 1: give us some more perspective. So, because I think sometimes

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Speaker 1: we stay in therapeutic relationships longer than we need to

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Speaker 1: for fear that we're going to hurt our therapist feelings

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Speaker 1: or that it's not going to go well, but like

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Speaker 1: I said, most times, you are not the first client

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Speaker 1: who has ended a relationship. So if you do think

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Speaker 1: that the time that you spent with this therapist is

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Speaker 1: coming to an end, then go ahead and have that conversation.

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Speaker 1: We do also have an on the Porsche question this week,

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Speaker 1: and this question reads Hello doctor Joy, love your podcast.

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Speaker 1: It helps me get through the week. I will explain

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Speaker 1: my scenario. I'm twenty five going on twenty six this year.

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Speaker 1: I still live with my parents, but I'm looking to

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Speaker 1: change that later this year. One of the biggest fears

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Speaker 1: I have is beginning a serious relationship in the future.

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Speaker 1: I have talked to guys here and there in college,

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Speaker 1: but they were never willing to commit or just wanted sex.

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Speaker 1: The past two years, I didn't focus on dating because

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Speaker 1: I wanted to put myself first and focus on getting

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Speaker 1: a good job with pay, my own place, and my

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Speaker 1: health physically and mentally. I've never had a serious boyfriend,

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Speaker 1: so I'm afraid of not knowing how to function in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. I'm pretty sure I know what I want

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Speaker 1: in a man, long story short, someone who will make

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Speaker 1: be a better be And on top of that, I'm

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Speaker 1: a virgin, so finding a man will also be a

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Speaker 1: process of weeding out men who can be mature enough.

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Speaker 1: I guess to understand why I've held onto my virginity

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Speaker 1: for so long. I never wanted to hold onto it

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Speaker 1: till marriage. I just wanted to lose it to someone

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Speaker 1: who I genuinely cared about and who genuinely cared about me.

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Speaker 1: What advice can you give a twenty five year old

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Speaker 1: virgin who is looking for Mr Wright the first time?

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Speaker 1: So thank you so much for listening to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: I'm really glad that it helps to get you through

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Speaker 1: your week. Um, I definitely have a couple of thoughts

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Speaker 1: regarding your situation and hope that I can offer you

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Speaker 1: some ideas that will help you out. So the first

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Speaker 1: thing that jumps out at me is your comment that

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Speaker 1: you've never had a serious boyfriend, so you're afraid of

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Speaker 1: not knowing how to function in a relationship, and I'm

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Speaker 1: wondering what your expectations are for what that might look like.

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Speaker 1: Though you didn't mention anything about friends or other relationships,

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing that you do have other relationships in your

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Speaker 1: life and that you manage to function just fine. So

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Speaker 1: I wonder what you're thinking being in a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a partner will be like, and how that's going to

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Speaker 1: be drastically different from the friendships you might already have.

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Speaker 1: I wonder what you're so afraid of. You then stated

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Speaker 1: that you already knew what you're looking for, even though

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Speaker 1: you haven't had any serious relationships, someone to make you

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Speaker 1: a better you. So first, I wonder how did you

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Speaker 1: develop this list of what this guy would look like

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Speaker 1: if you've not had any real experiences to base it from.

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Speaker 1: I tend to think that you probably need at least

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Speaker 1: some experiences to decide what you want more of and

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Speaker 1: what you want less of, and what's actually a good

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Speaker 1: combination for you. I also really wonder about this idea

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Speaker 1: that this person will make you a better you? So

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Speaker 1: what will that look like? Why aren't you her now?

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Speaker 1: What are you expecting a partner to do for you

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Speaker 1: that you cannot be working on for yourself right now?

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Speaker 1: I'd encourage you to think more about what's making you

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Speaker 1: feel as though you need to wait for someone else

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Speaker 1: to be the best you, and get busy becoming her

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Speaker 1: right now. Finally, you mentioned that you wanted to get

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Speaker 1: it right the first time, and while that may happen

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Speaker 1: a lot on lifetime, that's not typically the case in

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Speaker 1: real life, especially when you've not had a lot of

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Speaker 1: experience dating. I'd encourage you to release that pressure from

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Speaker 1: yourself to get it right the first time, because expectations

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Speaker 1: like that are what sometimes lead us to making decisions

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Speaker 1: that aren't truly in line with what we need and deserve,

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Speaker 1: but more in line with just being right. My advice

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Speaker 1: to you would be to have fun dating. Get to

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Speaker 1: know what kinds of guys are a good match for

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Speaker 1: you and which ones are not. Let people know you're

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Speaker 1: interested in dating, and ask them to suggest guys who

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Speaker 1: might be a good fit for you. Have fun simply

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Speaker 1: living your life. Do things that are interesting to you

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Speaker 1: simply because you're interested in them. Continue nurturing your friendships.

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Speaker 1: Please keep me posted on how things are going with

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Speaker 1: the dating and good luck. If you have a question

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Speaker 1: or a situation you'd like some feedback about, please make

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Speaker 1: sure to send that over to me at podcasts at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And you know that

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Speaker 1: I love hearing what you've learned from the podcast and

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Speaker 1: your reactions to the episodes, so please keep on sharing

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Speaker 1: those on social media. Make sure to use the hashtag

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Speaker 1: tv G in session so that we can all follow

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Speaker 1: along with that conversation. And I forgot to mention last week,

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Speaker 1: but the sisters over in the Thrive Tribe have decided

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Speaker 1: they wanted to start a book club. So the book

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Speaker 1: we will be reading first is Shifting, which is a

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Speaker 1: rate book that I read a couple of years ago.

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Speaker 1: I'm excited to dig into it again with a new group.

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Speaker 1: If you're interested in joining us in Thri've Tribe to

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Speaker 1: continue the conversations we have here on the podcast, or

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Speaker 1: if you want to become a part of that book club,

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Speaker 1: then head on over to Therapy for Black Girls dot

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Speaker 1: com slash tribe and join us. If you were looking

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Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, make sure to check

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Speaker 1: out the directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

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Speaker 1: slash directory. And if you are a therapist and you're

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Speaker 1: interested in having other women find you so that they

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Speaker 1: can do work with you, then you can head on

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Speaker 1: over to Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash being

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Speaker 1: listed To keep up with important updates about the podcasts

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Speaker 1: and mental health information in general, make sure you're following

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Speaker 1: us all across social media. You can find us on Twitter,

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you

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Speaker 1: can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls. And please make sure that you're continuing to

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Speaker 1: share the information about the podcast with new friends. You

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Speaker 1: can do that by texting them, tweeting them, or sharing

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Speaker 1: the information about the podcast in your Insta stories. Thank

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Speaker 1: you all so much for joining me again this week,

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Speaker 1: and I'm looking forward to continue in this conversation with

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Speaker 1: you all real soon. Take good care, actor all, Actor