WEBVTT - How Jennette McCurdy Survived Her Mom’s Abuse 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.080 Red Table Talk podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:10.239 Facebook watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:17.720 on Apple podcasts. Red Table Talk is back. I am 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:19.880 so disappointed in you. It used to be my perfect 0:00:19.920 --> 0:00:22.919 little angel. It's the story everyone is talking about. But 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:25.960 now you're nothing more than a little slot up Flosi, 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:28.600 all used up but no one knew. Add that to 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:32.200 the list of things you are. Liar, conniving, evil, after 0:00:32.400 --> 0:00:35.919 use the suffering in silence, I Carly star Jeanette McCurdy 0:00:36.000 --> 0:00:38.839 joins the table for her first in depth interview to 0:00:38.920 --> 0:00:43.199 reveal decades of abuse, manipulation, torment, and betrayal. You're an 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:46.080 ugly monster. Now love mom or should I say depth 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:48.239 since I'm no longer a mother at the hands of 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:50.960 her mother All while Jeanette starred in one of the 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:53.440 biggest teen sitcoms of all time, My mom will be 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:55.800 chasing my daughter on the house old a literal steak knife. 0:00:56.000 --> 0:01:00.720 How did the abuse with your mom affect your relationship? Who? 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:05.040 That is a big juicy question. How she was finally 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:07.520 able to set herself free. Oh my god, I'm already 0:01:07.520 --> 0:01:10.679 gonna get emotional. An unforgettable r T T not to 0:01:10.720 --> 0:01:13.600 be missed. Can you tell us about your last conversation 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:19.640 with your mom? Hebre We are again, all right, we 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:22.360 are back at the table or back at the table, 0:01:22.640 --> 0:01:28.440 back and fool, it's set. Well, you know what today? 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:32.559 Back to a really deep one. Brave. There's no better 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:36.280 way to describe our guest. For years, we knew her 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:40.200 as Miranda Cosgroves, wise, cracking, lovable best friend on the 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:42.880 hit show I Carly There's No Wrong Time to Eat 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:46.800 and agrol and the spinoff Sam and Cat with Ariana 0:01:46.880 --> 0:01:51.080 Grande Come with Me. By the age of fifteen, it 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:54.240 seemed like Jeanette McCurdy had it all, but at home 0:01:55.120 --> 0:01:58.840 it was a living hell. After years of suffering in silence, 0:01:58.920 --> 0:02:03.440 for the first time, Jeanette McCurdy is bravely sharing her 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:08.079 story and our new bestselling memoir I'm Glad My Mom died, 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:14.080 and it is striking a nerve with millions. Wow, let's 0:02:14.120 --> 0:02:20.080 welcome to Jeanette McCurdy. It looks so beautiful. We feel 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:24.120 like you're our long lost niece. We've been talking about you. 0:02:25.639 --> 0:02:31.079 Welcome well, let's first say before you even start. Yeah, 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:39.280 but this book, Okay, this book is sold out. I 0:02:39.360 --> 0:02:42.560 had no expectation of anything like this, and I think 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:44.600 it's really a testament to how much people want to 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:49.079 feel and connect with emotionally in deep ways. I just 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:53.320 think that that hailing is so important. Reading your book 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:58.400 it was really powerful, super brave. Thank you, and particularly 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:05.000 in regards to your mom, because it's almost sacrilegious for 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:09.480 us to speak out against your mom. You just don't 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:12.040 tut with moms. There seems to be like a need 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:15.040 to keep them up on a pedestal. Absolutely, and I 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:16.959 had my mom on that pedestal and it was really 0:03:17.000 --> 0:03:20.080 detrimental to my own mental health. And recognizing the abuse 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:22.920 was such an intense journey for me and something that 0:03:22.960 --> 0:03:25.960 I wanted and felt really compelled to speak about publicly 0:03:25.960 --> 0:03:27.640 because I had a feeling that a lot more people 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:31.360 related to it than I hope. Did you start the 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:36.520 book when you were six years old? Six? So tell 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:41.119 us about your house and your family during that particular 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:45.320 time of your life. Yeah. My mother was initially diagnosed 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:47.280 with breast cancer when I was two years old. She 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:51.600 had a bone maarw transplant camotherapy, radiation, astectomy implant. It 0:03:51.640 --> 0:03:53.920 was staged four. It was It was a really brutal 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:56.160 time for our family, and you know it was too so. 0:03:56.320 --> 0:04:00.360 My earliest flashes of memories are of household was very 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:03.080 weighted in tragedy. My grandparents moved in with us during 0:04:03.080 --> 0:04:06.120 my mother's illness, and my mother, as a result of 0:04:06.160 --> 0:04:10.560 her cancer, she became a hoarder. Jeanette was raised Mormon 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:13.840 and lived at home with her mom, Deborah, dad Mark, 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:18.880 her grandparents, and three older brothers, Marcus, Dustin and Scott, 0:04:19.200 --> 0:04:22.279 and what she describes as a hoarder house with a 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:26.000 rat impossum problem. I remember a time when Marcus, Dustin, 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:27.800 and Scott slept in their trundle bunk bed and I 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:30.400 slept in my nursery. But now our bedrooms are so 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:32.359 filled with stuff that you can't even determine where the 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:35.200 beds are, let alone sleep in them. We don't sleep 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:38.000 in the bedrooms anymore. Trifold maths were purchased from Costco 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:39.800 for us to sleep on in the living room. I'm 0:04:39.839 --> 0:04:42.400 pretty sure the moths were meant for kids gymnastics exercises. 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:45.280 I do not like sleeping on mine. This house is 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:52.280 an embarrassment. This house is shameful. I hate this house. Wow. Yeah. 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.400 Because she was so close to seeing her fate, she 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:59.560 suddenly attached meaning and significance to the tiny I mean, 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:02.000 she's say, well, you touched that clinic, so I need it. 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:04.280 So she was keeping everything that me and my three 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:07.479 older brothers touched, and it just overwhelmed our house. It 0:05:07.520 --> 0:05:08.880 really did not feel like a home. It felt like 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:12.320 a place of chaos and turmoil and turbulence. So her cancer, 0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:14.960 she overcame it, but then it did come back quite 0:05:14.960 --> 0:05:17.839 a while later. In the years between her first with 0:05:17.880 --> 0:05:19.920 cancer and her and her second, she put me into 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:22.320 child acting and she had always dreampt aving an actress, 0:05:22.360 --> 0:05:24.719 so I sort of was the vessel for her dreams. 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:28.040 She did a lot of living bacariously through me, and 0:05:28.080 --> 0:05:31.120 that really wasn't your dream, No, no, no no. I 0:05:31.200 --> 0:05:35.200 was a shy, sort of uncomfortable kid. It's so surprising 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:36.880 for me to hear that wasn't your dream to be 0:05:36.920 --> 0:05:38.720 an actor because I was on I Carley, I was 0:05:38.800 --> 0:05:41.520 on the sand Cat Vibe, and I just loved your character. 0:05:41.960 --> 0:05:44.840 Thanks me watching you on the screen. In my head, 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:48.320 I was like, yo, she's killing it thanks very happy. 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:54.039 When she was just eleven, Janette became anorexic. Soon disordered 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:57.719 eating consumed her life. In her early twenties, she weighed 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:04.400 less than ninety pounds. Wow, how did those food issues start? 0:06:04.760 --> 0:06:08.200 I'm glad that you asked. I feel for anybody who 0:06:08.200 --> 0:06:10.839 relates to this. It's quite unfortunate. But my mom taught 0:06:10.880 --> 0:06:13.040 me and arexia. She taught me cali restriction. When I 0:06:13.080 --> 0:06:17.680 was eleven, I had felt a lump in my breast 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:19.560 that I thought was, oh, well, my mom had cancer, 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:22.440 so I'm probably getting cancer. And she said, no, not, 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:25.039 that's just boobies. And I said, well, can I stop 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:27.600 boobies from happening? I don't want boobies. I don't want 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:30.320 to grow up. And I knew that my mom really 0:06:30.320 --> 0:06:33.320 wanted me to stay young. She really really made that 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:35.920 clear to me. She would sob and really clutched me 0:06:35.960 --> 0:06:37.719 intensely and say like, I don't want my baby to 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:39.840 grow up. And I knew me growing up would be 0:06:39.920 --> 0:06:41.920 no separating and I didn't want that to happen. So 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:43.120 I asked if there was a way that I could 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:45.120 stop the boobies from coming in, and she told me, 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:47.800 there's a thing called calt restriction, and it became our 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:50.920 sort of secret and our code, and something that, as 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:55.000 disturbing as it has, really bonded us. It was our thing. 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:57.800 No one else got this thing. We got this thing. 0:06:58.040 --> 0:06:59.360 I can look at it from across the room and no, 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:01.560 you got me, and I got you, And we were 0:07:01.600 --> 0:07:04.080 just in the disease, in the sickness. But there was 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:07.400 a connection that the sickness created that I, of course 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:12.800 couldn't see at the time. Jeanette paints a heartbreaking picture 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.480 of her life at age eleven. I probably show my 0:07:16.520 --> 0:07:19.000 half eaten portions to Mom after every meal she beams. 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:21.640 Each Sunday, she weighs me and measures my thighs with 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:24.280 a measuring tape. I learned the value of eating water 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:27.480 dense fruits and vegetables like kikuma and watermelon. I learned 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:30.840 how helpful cayenne and chili peppers are for increasing and metabolism. 0:07:30.880 --> 0:07:32.840 I learned that coffee is an appetite suppressant, so I 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:36.720 start drinking decalf black alongside Mom. Drinking coffee in any 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:39.800 form is technically against the Church's rules. Well it's decalf, 0:07:39.840 --> 0:07:42.080 so I'm sure God would make an exception, Mom says, 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:44.360 and I nod like I agree, even though I'm pretty 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:47.000 sure that God I've learned about doesn't make exceptions. The 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:48.600 thinner I get, the stricter I get with but al 0:07:48.640 --> 0:07:50.360 and jest because it seems like my body is trying 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.920 to hold onto whatever I eat. I noticed that most 0:07:53.920 --> 0:07:55.840 foods out a little body weight to me, four tents 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:58.040 of a pound or so. I know this because I 0:07:58.080 --> 0:08:03.040 weighed myself five times a day. Wow. It was when 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:04.840 I heard her saying things to the doctor that I 0:08:04.920 --> 0:08:07.560 knew to not be what was happening behind the closed doors. 0:08:07.880 --> 0:08:11.720 But I thought, maybe, oh, something's really doesn't feel right 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:14.200 in my bones here. Because my doctor saying, your daughter's 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:16.240 really underweight, and I would like you to keep an 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:18.720 eye on her behaviors because sometimes when girls develop intorexy, 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:21.040 they're very secretive their partents. And my mom saying, I'll 0:08:21.080 --> 0:08:22.560 definitely keep an eye on that, but I don't see 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:26.280 anything off about it, And I'm thinking she measured my 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:29.600 breakfast today, she made sure that I had let us 0:08:29.600 --> 0:08:31.600 with no dressing on it for dinner last night. Like, 0:08:31.600 --> 0:08:33.839 what does she mean she does she'll keep an eye 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.319 on it. She is the eyes on it. You know, 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:38.920 it was confusing to hear, and I kind of started peacing, Oh, 0:08:38.960 --> 0:08:42.600 the things that she's saying outwardly don't match what's happening 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:46.199 in our house. In the house, yes, And what was interesting, 0:08:46.440 --> 0:08:49.240 Willow reminded me she said that your character on this 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:52.640 show was obsessed with food. Food. It was so confusing 0:08:52.679 --> 0:08:55.800 at the time, being caught up in interrexy or ben 0:08:55.840 --> 0:08:58.040 eating sort or bulimia, and then while playing this character 0:08:58.080 --> 0:09:01.080 who's like slinging a fried chicken, like painting people with 0:09:01.120 --> 0:09:03.560 a ham sandwich. It felt like my life was mocking 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:06.320 me in a lot of ways, and it was really difficult. 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:11.080 I'd have to say. One of the heartbreaking aspects of 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:15.360 the book was this is one of them. Was your 0:09:15.400 --> 0:09:17.960 mother having you and your sixteen year old brother in 0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:21.120 the shower bathing you both Yeah, and you were what 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:27.800 a leven? So do you want to read the eggs er? Sure? Yeah, 0:09:28.280 --> 0:09:31.800 that shower time, Mom shouts from another room. My whole 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:35.440 body freezes. Oh no, not shower time. I've dreaded showers 0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:37.720 for a while five years or so. Whenever it was 0:09:37.760 --> 0:09:40.280 that I started to feel uncomfortable that mom still showers me. 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:42.680 She doesn't mean to make me uncomfortable. I don't think. 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:44.640 She says she has to shower me because I wouldn't 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:47.320 know how to shampoo and condition my own hair. She says, 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:49.560 maybe if it wasn't so long or such a specific texture, 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:51.760 that she wouldn't have to, But because it is those things, 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:54.320 and since she was a professional hairstylist, it just makes 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:56.199 sense for her to do it. Mom showers me with 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:59.480 Scotty sometimes he's almost sixteen. At this point, I get 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:01.319 really embarras us When she showers us together. I can 0:10:01.320 --> 0:10:04.160 tell he does too. Usually just look away from each other, 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:06.800 and Scott distracts himself by drawn Pokemon in the fogged glass. 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:09.240 He does a pretty good sharers arc When she showers 0:10:09.280 --> 0:10:11.520 us together. Mom says it's because she's got too much 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:13.920 to do. Scott asked me if he could shower himself once. 0:10:14.000 --> 0:10:15.720 Mom sobbed and said that she didn't want to grow up, 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:17.960 so we never asked again after that, whether or not 0:10:18.000 --> 0:10:20.680 Scott's there with me. Mom gives me a breastand front 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:23.160 butt exam, which is what she calls my private parts. 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:24.800 She says she wants to make sure I don't have 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:27.200 any mysterious lumps or bumps because those could be cancer. 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:29.600 I say, okay, because I definitely don't want cancer, and 0:10:29.600 --> 0:10:31.000 since mom has had it and all, she would know 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:37.200 if I do. How did that affect your dynamic with 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:42.360 your brother? Yeah? What a beautiful question, um that I 0:10:42.400 --> 0:10:45.439 appreciate for my brother. I'm so close with all three 0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:47.440 of my brothers, and they have been such a source 0:10:47.559 --> 0:10:50.600 of love and support and consistency in my life where 0:10:50.600 --> 0:10:54.440 there really wasn't much anywhere else. Isn't it amazing we 0:10:54.440 --> 0:10:58.199 have such a beautiful bond and there's such an understanding there, 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:00.520 I think because of the things that we through together 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:02.880 and the things that we saw together. I love hearing 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:06.840 that you guys are close to Yeah, me too, because 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:16.880 this kind of abuse can be so I am glad 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:20.200 to hear that you guys have a wonder have you 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:23.319 ever talked to them about your mother's mental state before 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:27.960 you were born? Whatever continued to take Worsen was already 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:32.000 and before I was born, and she had this seven 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:35.680 year affair with another person A year after her mom's death, 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.720 Jeanette's life was spinning out of control as she battled 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:44.679 a raging eating disorder, alcoholism, and insurmountable grief. Her dad, Mark, 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:48.280 the man who raised her, dropped a bombshell he was 0:11:48.360 --> 0:11:52.880 not her biological father. Deborah's seven year affair with a 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:56.800 man named Andrew while she was married to Mark produced 0:11:56.800 --> 0:12:04.240 three children, Dustin, Scott and Jeanette. Wow. My brothers sort 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:10.480 of have memories and flashes of the affair and the 0:12:10.720 --> 0:12:15.000 tumultualist nature of my mom navigating that, And they have 0:12:15.080 --> 0:12:17.160 a couple of pieces of the puzzles that I was 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:19.880 too young to have and that I couldn't get from 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:22.679 the adults around me. Do you know anything about your 0:12:22.679 --> 0:12:26.000 mother's history, like did she have any history before you 0:12:26.080 --> 0:12:32.120 were born or something with her mom as well? Yes, 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:35.240 there was a very intense dynamic between her and her mother, 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:37.920 and I saw that firsthand because my grandmother and my 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:40.480 mom's I lived with us. Also, my mom did kind 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:44.880 of recount experiences of sexual abuse and she never went 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:47.120 to therapy. My dad and my grandpa would would plead 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:48.800 with her and bank her and say, you know, please 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:51.120 do something about this. Yeah. I was wondering like did 0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:53.280 they ever try to be like, hey, like this is 0:12:53.400 --> 0:12:56.959 really not right. They bang bang, you know, my mom 0:12:56.960 --> 0:12:58.319 would be chasing my dad around the house with a 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:01.040 literal steak knife, and he'd say to have you have 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:02.760 to get help, you have to get a handle on this. 0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:05.560 You can't be doing this. She wouldn't, she didn't want 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:07.880 to change or couldn't face that she needed to change. 0:13:08.080 --> 0:13:11.160 And then eventually in therapy, after just sort of sharing 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:13.400 the stories of my relationship with my mom, they suggested 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:16.640 that she might have had some combination of bipolar disorder 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:21.680 and borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, maybe all three, 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:24.480 all three together. Yeah, the steak knife thing, that was 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:28.280 a frequent situation. There weren't many many versions of the 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:31.280 steak knife, and and other tools she would grab sort 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:34.360 of whatever was on hand. And our neighbor did threatened 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:37.000 quite often to call social services. Our neighbor Bud. He 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:38.720 would always pound on the door in the middle of 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:40.400 the screen fights, and then my mom would hand him 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:42.559 a box of caes candies and bribe him out of 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:45.600 calling social services. And what was your grandmother's response to 0:13:45.720 --> 0:13:50.360 these outbursts. She was always sort of erratic and kind 0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:53.520 of histrionic, like it seemed like she was just if 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:55.559 there was any sort of history isn't a good word. 0:13:55.679 --> 0:14:00.040 I love that like that, I don't want to grab it. 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.319 If there's any any sort of emotion, she then meet 0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:04.920 it with like ten times that emotion. So if my 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:09.360 mom's crying, she was like chaos on chaos on chaos 0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:13.160 with so much noise in our house. Yeah, and then 0:14:13.200 --> 0:14:15.240 me and my thriller brothers were always just sort of 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:18.000 quiet because there was so much noise from the adults 0:14:18.080 --> 0:14:19.600 in the in the house. And I think a lot 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:22.800 of children who experienced this function could probably relate to that. 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:26.680 Did she know about the book your grandmother? Does your 0:14:26.680 --> 0:14:29.880 grandmother outlived your mother? Yes? Yeah, she's still outliving her. 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.760 She's in Kentucky in a senior citizens facility. I have 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:35.480 very strong boundaries around my relationship with my grandma, and 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:37.720 my my brother shared with me that she was not 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:40.880 happy with the title, but I expected that. I'm not 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:43.840 surprised at all. And you have strong boundaries around your 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:48.720 grandmother just because of abuse. I tried to have a 0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:50.760 relationship with her, and it was very clear to me 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:54.400 that she was incapable of honoring literally any boundary that 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:56.720 I said. I mean things like, can you please not 0:14:56.760 --> 0:15:00.360 comment on my body? Um? It's really, you know, intrimental 0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:01.840 to me, and I want to believe you have the 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.760 best intentions, but these comments are really harmful, and please 0:15:04.800 --> 0:15:07.520 can you stop? She'd say, sure, and then five minutes 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:10.000 later another comment come out, and she just seemed incapable 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:13.000 of honoring the boundaries sold to Milly. It was a matter, okay, 0:15:13.000 --> 0:15:16.840 I just can't have it, truly. Yeah. I also feel 0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:19.160 as though people who have grown up with you, people 0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:21.760 saw you on the screen as this character, and they 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:27.280 saw you with this seemingly life you know, can you 0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:32.240 read that passes from your past. I started to thoroughly 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:34.640 dislike fame by the time I was sixteen, but by now, 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:37.840 at twenty one, I despise it. Millions of people dream 0:15:37.880 --> 0:15:39.800 of being famous, and here I am with fame and 0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:42.680 hating it. It doesn't help that I'm famous for a 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:44.720 thing I started when I was a kid. I think 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:46.240 of what it would be like if everyone was famous 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:48.600 for a thing they did when they were thirteen. Their 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:51.280 middle school band, their seventh grade science project, their eighth 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:54.080 grade play. The middle school years are the years to stumble, 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:55.800 fall and tuck under the rug as soon as you're 0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:57.440 done with them, because you've already outgrown them by the 0:15:57.480 --> 0:16:01.000 time you're fifteen. But not for me. I'm cemented in 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:02.680 people's minds as the person I was when I was 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:05.280 a kid, a person I feel like I've far outgrown, 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:07.720 but the world won't let me outgrow it. The world 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:10.120 won't let me be anyone else. The world only wants 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:12.920 me to be Sampucket. I'm aware enough to know how 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:16.320 annoying and whiny this all sounds. Millions of people dream 0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:18.120 of being famous, and here I am with fame and 0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:22.520 hating it. I somehow feel entitled to my hatred since 0:16:22.560 --> 0:16:24.520 I was not the one who dreamt of being famous. 0:16:25.080 --> 0:16:27.560 Mom was. I would have been content being a kid. 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:30.520 Mom pushed this on me. Since it's not my dream, 0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:32.920 it's not my problem how I feel about it. I'm 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:38.040 allowed to hate someone else's dream, even if it's my reality. Yeah. Yeah, 0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:41.200 I'm aware of how whiny this sounds. I'm aware that 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:44.720 this is what everybody wants and yearns for and hopes 0:16:44.800 --> 0:16:47.920 for and aspires to reach. But it was a really 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:52.240 complicated experience for me. I think some people are really 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:55.640 just equipped to handle fame and do it beautifully, and 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:59.000 some people and some people want it. Yes, it's not 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:01.400 what you wanted. My thought was I wanted to be 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:06.600 a child when your grandfather pulled you up, and it's 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:10.000 like you should be a kid. The fact that you 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:14.359 were also the breadwinner at such a young age for 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:17.280 your family that had to be a whole different added 0:17:17.320 --> 0:17:19.800 pressure in feeling like, oh my god, if I don't 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:22.880 do this thing that I actually don't like doing. That's 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:24.560 something I've exported a lot in therapy is how to 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:27.240 release that pressure ingrained in my mind and to recognize 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:29.199 that I don't have that anymore and I just have 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:33.560 to support myself. How did the abuse with your mom 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:38.879 affect your your relationships? Oh, that's a that is a 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:42.480 big juicy question. So because I was in meshed in 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:46.560 codependent and very anxiously attached with my mother, they found 0:17:46.600 --> 0:17:49.879 kind of relationships that reflected that dynamic, and so I 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:52.480 fell into unhealthy relationships where then I was supporting the 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:55.280 other person and I really felt like that's what I 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:57.240 bring to the table, and it's it has been a 0:17:57.240 --> 0:17:59.920 lot of work to unpack. I learned to be really 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:02.760 the lookout for narcissistic partners. I learned to be really 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:06.520 on the lookout for in meshment and codependency. I'd be 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:08.199 lying if I didn't like, there's still a part of 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:11.320 me that's wired that way, and it's still like it 0:18:11.359 --> 0:18:15.720 can feel so like intoxicating and like comfortable, familiar. It 0:18:15.720 --> 0:18:19.760 feels like this is because it's like that's what you know, 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:24.240 your foundation was built on that. You also ran away 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:27.120 to Hawaii with your boyfriend. Yeah, that was pair rebellion. 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:29.399 You know. There were some paparazzi pictures and somebody had 0:18:29.440 --> 0:18:32.119 taken of us, and then my mom found those paparazzi pictures. 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:34.840 The relationship had been a secret from her. I understand 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:37.479 why she was disapproving, there was a significant age difference, 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:39.640 but I don't respect how she handled it. She sent 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:43.760 me many scathing emails, just telling me exactly how disapproving 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:46.560 she was. Yeah, this is an email that my mom 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:52.000 sent me. Dear net, I am so disappointed in you. 0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:53.800 You used to be my perfect little angel, but now 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:56.920 you're nothing more than a little all caps slut of fluesy, 0:18:57.160 --> 0:18:59.760 all used up, and to think you wasted it on 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:02.359 that deous ogre of a man. I saw the pictures 0:19:02.359 --> 0:19:05.000 on a website called t MZ. I saw you rubbing 0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:07.880 his disgusting, hairy stomach. I knew you were lying about Colton. 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:09.359 I had told her I was with a friend. Colton. 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:13.000 Add that to the list of things you are liar, conniving, evil, 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:16.080 You look pudgier two. It's clear you're eating your guilt. 0:19:16.480 --> 0:19:18.560 Thinking of you with his dingdong inside of you makes 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.320 me sick. Sick. I raised you better than this. What 0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:23.240 happened to my good little girl? Where did she go? 0:19:23.359 --> 0:19:25.719 And who is this monster that has replaced her? You're 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:28.320 an ugly monster now. I told your brothers about you, 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:30.080 and they all said they disown you, just like I do. 0:19:30.119 --> 0:19:32.399 We want nothing to do with you. Love mom, or 0:19:32.400 --> 0:19:34.200 should I say deb since I'm no longer your mother? 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:38.080 PS send money for a new fridge? Ours broke the 0:19:38.119 --> 0:19:42.119 PF he has send money for a new friend. It 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:46.640 was what was the age difference between you and Joe? 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:50.080 I was eighteen years thirty two years? Yeah, and I 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:52.080 think it was no coincidence that he and I sort 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:54.640 of began a relationship very shortly after my mom's recurrence 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:57.640 of cancer. The way I see it now is sort 0:19:57.640 --> 0:19:59.879 of okay. I knew Mom's dying. I need to replace, 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:02.080 but something I am grateful for in that relationship is 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:04.720 that I was hearing for the first time how unhealthy 0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:06.760 my mom was. So when I would get an email 0:20:06.800 --> 0:20:09.000 like that, you know, my my instinct was to say, 0:20:09.040 --> 0:20:11.840 I'm this terrible person, how could I have done anything 0:20:11.880 --> 0:20:14.040 like this? I I would believe what she said about me. 0:20:14.080 --> 0:20:16.480 I would believe I must let him a lousy was 0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:19.440 helpful in getting me to see that there was another 0:20:19.480 --> 0:20:23.160 side to that and that this is really unhealthy. When 0:20:23.200 --> 0:20:28.040 did you first recognize something was what you were experiencing 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:30.600 or had experienced. When I was eleven and my mom 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:34.000 taught me castriction, a part of me knew something was off. 0:20:34.400 --> 0:20:36.919 So the fact that there was so much secretiveness around it, 0:20:37.560 --> 0:20:39.840 my gut knew it wasn't right, But I couldn't accept 0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:41.960 that it wasn't right because I'm a kid, and I 0:20:42.040 --> 0:20:45.760 need it's my mom exactly. I needed her to be 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:48.040 the thing that I wanted her to be in order 0:20:48.040 --> 0:20:50.280 to survive. And then I saw the therapist who was 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:52.160 the first person told my mother was abusive. I quit 0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:56.520