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Speaker 1: Hey, Alyssa Sale and this is Joe.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to the Okay story Time podcast game show, the.

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Speaker 3: Show where you can hear the greatest stories on ours and.

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Speaker 2: Luckily you've won the jackpot for listening to the best

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Speaker 2: stories your ears could listen to. All you have to

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Speaker 2: do is wait for two minutes through these messages from

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Speaker 2: our sponsors.

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Speaker 4: My foster parents demand parental control on my phone.

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Speaker 1: I want it removed. Of course, you do, your child.

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Speaker 4: I fifteen male, have lived with my current foster parents

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Speaker 4: since I was nine years old, but I have been

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Speaker 4: in foster care since I was six. I will call

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Speaker 4: my foster parents Henry and Aaron. By the way, this

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Speaker 4: comes from Okay Finish eighty six twenty two and if

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Speaker 4: you want to submit your own stories, go to the

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Speaker 4: r slash Okay Storytime Separate. I got a new phone

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Speaker 4: as an early Christmas present from my biological dad. It

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Speaker 4: is an iPhone sixteen Pro Max, which is the phone

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Speaker 4: that I want in so I'm very happy about it.

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Speaker 4: My previous phone was an iPhone eleven and it was

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Speaker 4: bought by Henry and Aaron. On my old phone, Henry

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Speaker 4: and Aaron had set up loads of parental control on it,

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Speaker 4: so I couldn't download any apps without them improving it.

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Speaker 4: I couldn't turn off share my location, I couldn't change

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Speaker 4: my passcode. It would lock everything except their contacts at

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Speaker 4: eight pm every night until after school.

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Speaker 3: That's crazy.

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Speaker 4: And they had a time limit on YouTube, so I

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Speaker 4: could only watch it for thirty minutes within the time

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Speaker 4: where my phone was unlocked. Anyway, Oh my gosh, that's excessive.

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Speaker 5: I get it though, because these things can melt people's brains.

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Speaker 5: But also it's like, at some level it's like, all right,

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Speaker 5: you're just gonna make them resourceful enough to get around it.

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Speaker 4: I could only go on websites that they approved of,

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Speaker 4: Like there was a list that I could go on,

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Speaker 4: and I couldn't go on anything that they didn't manually

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Speaker 4: add to that list. These all really annoyed me, but

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Speaker 4: whenever I asked for them to be turned off, they

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Speaker 4: told me that they bought the phone, so these were

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Speaker 4: the rules. Now. I was given my new phone by

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Speaker 4: my dad on Monday, and I haven't used it yet

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Speaker 4: because they're telling me that I have to let them

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Speaker 4: put the same restrictions on the new phone as they

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Speaker 4: did on my own phone. I said no, because that

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Speaker 4: isn't fair. I should be allowed to use my phone,

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Speaker 4: as my dad says, because he paid for it. I

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Speaker 4: said to them that my dad paid for the phone,

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Speaker 4: so it was his choice, and that he doesn't want

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Speaker 4: me to have those restrictions on it. But now they've

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Speaker 4: changed and said it doesn't matter who bought the phone,

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Speaker 4: even though that was their whole point before. Now they're

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Speaker 4: saying that because I'm living with them, I have to

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Speaker 4: follow their rules, and the rule for having a phone

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Speaker 4: in the house is that they put restrictions on it.

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Speaker 4: I don't think that is fair at all, considering that

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Speaker 4: they didn't buy the phone. I don't see how they

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Speaker 4: can do this. Before I got home from school on Monday,

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Speaker 4: they took the phone out of the box that my

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Speaker 4: dad sent it in, set up all the restrictions, and

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Speaker 4: now I'm trying to figure out a way to take

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Speaker 4: them off. I'm thinking about complaining to my social worker

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Speaker 4: because it is not fair that they put these restrictions

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Speaker 4: on my phone, even though they didn't pay for it.

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Speaker 4: Edit to ad I am not going to be on

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Speaker 4: much longer because I am almost out of my computer time.

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Speaker 4: Thank you everyone for your advice. There's another edit to ad.

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Speaker 4: It's eight pm now, so I'm off. Thanks to everyone

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Speaker 4: for taking the time to talk to me. There are

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Speaker 4: some one comment asks who pays the cell phone bill? Ope,

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Speaker 4: and this comment was downvoted. There is no phone bill.

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Speaker 4: My dad bought the phone edits. I don't know if

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Speaker 4: people aren't understanding me. I have a SIM card that

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Speaker 4: was bought from Tesco. It is a pay as you

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Speaker 4: go simcard and no one has ever added credit to it.

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Speaker 4: There's no monthly bill. Someone comments, sorry, Op, but you

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Speaker 4: are wrong. Interesting. You're hurting the people who raised you.

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Speaker 4: If Biodad wanted to be in charge, he should have

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Speaker 4: been the one.

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Speaker 1: To raise you.

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Speaker 4: But he either couldn't or wouldn't, and that doesn't really matter.

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Speaker 4: He should, at the very least have more respect for

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Speaker 4: your parents who stepped up. Biodad is being manipulative and

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Speaker 4: showing a great deal of immaturity. I know that as

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Speaker 4: a teen you are likely just wanting to side with

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Speaker 4: the person who is offering you what you want. This

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Speaker 4: is a mistake. This is one of those selfish, sort

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Speaker 4: of cited decisions.

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Speaker 5: Look, I'm cutting this off right now because this is overboard.

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Speaker 5: Just like how the amount of restrictions on the phone

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Speaker 5: for a fifteen year old is overboard. You can't call

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Speaker 5: or text anyone besides your foster your parents after eight pm.

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Speaker 5: You have a half hour of free use throughout the day.

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Speaker 1: You're fifteen.

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Speaker 5: Everyone you know has a cell phone and can probably

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Speaker 5: do whatever they want with it. Of course you're going

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Speaker 5: to feel like if this is not fair in my opinion, overboard.

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Speaker 4: Right, I agree. I think that commenter was basically saying, like,

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Speaker 4: you should listen to them because your parents, and if

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Speaker 4: you are a parent, you should not use that reason

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Speaker 4: to like control your kids.

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Speaker 5: Right, Being a parent doesn't just automatically make every thought

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Speaker 5: and suggestion you have the right one, and you shouldn't

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Speaker 5: be teaching kids that because it makes them cheap. Followers

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Speaker 5: just looking to who's the person's who knows better than me,

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Speaker 5: who can tell me what to do or how to think?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly like that commenter and op kind of went

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Speaker 4: on for a little bit, basically like debating who the

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Speaker 4: real parents are. And so it's like, I don't know

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Speaker 4: why that commenter is just like whoever is legally your parents,

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Speaker 4: they have absolute control of you and get to do

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Speaker 4: say what you want.

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Speaker 5: If this kid's nine. I I agree with all of

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Speaker 5: those restrictions. I don't even think kids should have like

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Speaker 5: smartphones until they're at least somewhat cooked in the brain.

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Speaker 5: At fifteen, it can be a discussion of like, all right,

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Speaker 5: let's roll some of these back. You know you can

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Speaker 5: talk to your friends after eight pm. That's crazy, that's like,

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Speaker 5: come on, Even at like twelve years old, I didn't

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Speaker 5: have that level of you know, restriction.

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely. The top comment comes from eighty three Pooley Opie

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Speaker 4: not going to say that you are in the wrong

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Speaker 4: because of your age. I'm also not going to say

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Speaker 4: that your carers are in the wrong based on the

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Speaker 4: information you've provided. I'm coming from the position that I

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Speaker 4: previously was a foster carer as well as a worker

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Speaker 4: within the law enforcement system. Your biological father is making

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Speaker 4: a power play here. You may not see it, because

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Speaker 4: generally speaking, kids in care tend to see even the

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Speaker 4: worst parents as being on a pedestal or whatever reason.

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Speaker 4: You've been in foster care for the majority of your life.

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Speaker 4: A good portion of that time has been under the

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Speaker 4: roof of your current cares. Whilst I appreciate that at

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Speaker 4: fifteen you think that you should be able to do

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Speaker 4: what you want on your phone. You need to understand

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Speaker 4: that your cares are most likely just looking out for

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Speaker 4: your best interests. Your biological father, for lack of a

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Speaker 4: better term, is throwing in a grenade. In my opinion,

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Speaker 4: he may be doing this for a few reasons. One

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Speaker 4: to prove to himself or your caseworker that he is

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Speaker 4: a good parent, because deep down he knows he isn't.

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Speaker 4: Two to drive a wedge between you and your cares,

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Speaker 4: and exactly the way it appears to have. Three, because

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Speaker 4: he cares about you genuinely and thinks that getting you

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Speaker 4: an extravagant gift will somehow make up for you being

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Speaker 4: in care since you were six years old. Honestly, it

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Speaker 4: could be a mixture of the above regardless, though, he

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Speaker 4: should have discussed such a gift with your caseworker and

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Speaker 4: cares if there is contact between him and them, to

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Speaker 4: make sure that it was okay, and so that he

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Speaker 4: could discuss the rules surrounding usage of the phone with you.

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Speaker 4: If you legitimately think that your cares are not doing

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Speaker 4: what is in your best interests, then you should speak

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Speaker 4: to your caseworker let them be the mediator as they

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Speaker 4: are basically in charge. If there are possibly also things

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Speaker 4: occurring in the background that you are unaware of. For example,

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Speaker 4: the court or department in your jurisdiction that deals with

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Speaker 4: children and care may want contact with your birth parents

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Speaker 4: to only occur when they are aware of it. Your

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Speaker 4: cares could simply be following rules that a court or

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Speaker 4: your caseworker has outlined to them. If you think that

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Speaker 4: they are on some level being reasonable because they care

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Speaker 4: for you, then perhaps sit with them and discuss how

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Speaker 4: at age fifteen you should have more freedom. This could

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Speaker 4: look like having the parental controls but with less restrictions,

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Speaker 4: or it could be without the parent the parental controls,

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Speaker 4: but with your cares able to look at your phone,

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Speaker 4: messages and photos when they feel that there is a

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Speaker 4: need and without notice. For example, they know how to

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Speaker 4: unlock the phone. At the end of the day, it

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Speaker 4: is about trust. Show them that you can be trusted

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Speaker 4: with more freedom. Then they'll likely be more willing to

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Speaker 4: become more lenient. As you get older, try to make

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Speaker 4: sure that, regardless of how the conversation goes with your cares,

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Speaker 4: that you keep your cool. Good luck. That's a great comment.

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Speaker 4: I feel a lot of insight there.

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Speaker 5: I agreed with definitely a lot of that.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, some of the things like location and stuff, I

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Speaker 4: get why teenagers don't like that, But I also get

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Speaker 4: why parents would want that, you know, to make sure

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Speaker 4: that like you're safe, but access and restrictions to like

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Speaker 4: your pictures and messages and stuff that I think is

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Speaker 4: more a breach of privacy for sure. I feel like,

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Speaker 4: you know, some restrictions might be okay, you can figure

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Speaker 4: out some sort of compromise, but others, you know, not

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Speaker 4: so much.

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Speaker 5: It's a conversation. At the end of the day, you're fifteen.

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Speaker 5: You can have a conversation with these people. You're old

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Speaker 5: enough to communicate with them on adult level to some extent.

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Speaker 5: Like you're not equals, but you're fifteen. You're going to

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Speaker 5: be legally an adult in three years.

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Speaker 4: Opie is ultimately voted not the Agle, and we do

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Speaker 4: have an update, which is three days later. I wrote

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Speaker 4: this post on Thursday, I just didn't give a chance

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Speaker 4: to post it until now. So Henry and Aaron actually

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Speaker 4: took me to McDonald's after school today and the day

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Speaker 4: I am writing this, and they said to me that

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Speaker 4: they could tell that I was upset with them and

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Speaker 4: asked me to explain my feelings to them. I explained

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Speaker 4: how I felt really frustrated that they told me that

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Speaker 4: the parental controls were because they bought the and then

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Speaker 4: when my dad bought me a phone, they still put

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Speaker 4: the same restrictions on. They said that they were sorry

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Speaker 4: that they gave that impression and that they could have

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Speaker 4: explained it better. They asked which restrictions I had the

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Speaker 4: biggest issue with, and I said how I can't text

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Speaker 4: or call anyone unless they approve it, and how the

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Speaker 4: phone locks at eight pm and I can't use it,

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Speaker 4: and that I only have thirty minutes on YouTube or TikTok,

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Speaker 4: and then I can't have apps like Snapchat, Discord, Instagram,

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Speaker 4: et cetera. They said, okay, they understood why I was

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Speaker 4: upset and frustrated, and they said that they will discuss

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Speaker 4: with my social worker how they can lighten up the

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Speaker 4: rules while still ensuring that I am safe. They said

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Speaker 4: that they don't want me having a long time on

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Speaker 4: the phone because they don't think it's good for me.

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Speaker 4: But they said in the meantime, they will increase the

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Speaker 4: limit to one hour for YouTube and TikTok and that

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Speaker 4: they will increase the bedtime thing until nine thirty pm.

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Speaker 4: I think this is a fair compromise. I said that

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Speaker 4: they seemed upset that I got a new phone in general,

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Speaker 4: and they said that they weren't upset at me, but

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Speaker 4: were upset at the situation. I asked what they meant,

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Speaker 4: and they said that it was something between them and

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Speaker 4: my dad, and I didn't to worry about it. So

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Speaker 4: maybe that commenter was kind of onto. Something about the

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Speaker 4: dad having a power play here.

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Speaker 1: Definitely makes a lot of sense.

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Speaker 5: I still think that the root issue, I mean, that's

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Speaker 5: like a separate thing to me.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Dad's making a power play.

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Speaker 5: This is more like you a fifteen year old, you know,

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Speaker 5: young adult, teenager whatever.

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Speaker 1: Like you're only gonna do two things.

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Speaker 5: By keeping these restrictions as like intense as they are,

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Speaker 5: You're either going to like just make op craftier and

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Speaker 5: they're gonna find a way around it, or you're gonna

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Speaker 5: create this tension this and then it's gonna snap back

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Speaker 5: at some point, and once they get that freedom, they're

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Speaker 5: gonna go overboard on it, which is a problem in

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Speaker 5: and of itself.

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Speaker 4: I appreciate that the parents are communicating like this, because

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Speaker 4: I feel like there's more that's going on that like

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Speaker 4: we don't know, and maybe OP doesn't quite know, so

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Speaker 4: I mean, at least they're talking about it, like I think.

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Speaker 4: If that's the case, then communication is really all you need,

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Speaker 4: and they were not doing a great job of it before.

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Speaker 5: I think fifteen is old enough to start having some

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Speaker 5: of those harder conversations about like what's really going on

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Speaker 5: in a complex situation like this.

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Speaker 4: But I asked them to carry on, and I had

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Speaker 4: to kind of persuade them to tell me what the

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Speaker 4: issue was between them and my dad. They had actually

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Speaker 4: bought an iPhone sixteen Promax for Christmas for me, and

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Speaker 4: had told my parents and my social worker that they

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Speaker 4: had bought it and were going to give it to

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Speaker 4: me for Christmas, but my dad bought one before that

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Speaker 4: they could give me theirs, and they felt upset that

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Speaker 4: their big present had been ruined. But they said that

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Speaker 4: that wasn't my fault and they didn't mean to make

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Speaker 4: me feel like they didn't care about what my dad

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Speaker 4: got me. Honestly, that made me feel upset. I asked

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Speaker 4: my dad why he bought me the phone if he

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Speaker 4: knew that Henry and Aaron already did. He said that

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Speaker 4: he didn't want Henry and Aaron to have to give

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Speaker 4: me something so expensive, but I said that they already

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Speaker 4: bought it for me, and he knew that. I said

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Speaker 4: that that was unfair and that he shouldn't have done that,

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Speaker 4: and he called me ungrateful. I asked him how he

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Speaker 4: would have felt if it was the other way around,

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Speaker 4: and he left me on red. Oh great. I actually

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Speaker 4: feel really upset for Henry and Aaron that my dad

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Speaker 4: did that to them, and I actually feel guilty, even

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Speaker 4: though I didn't know that they had already bought me one.

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Speaker 4: I'm not sure what to do now. I could give

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Speaker 4: my phone back to my dad and have Henry and Eron's,

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Speaker 4: but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

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Speaker 4: Henry and Aaron said that it wasn't my fault and

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Speaker 4: that it doesn't mean that my dad is a bad person,

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Speaker 4: which I know, but I do feel really angry at him.

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Speaker 4: Here's what you do. Then you keep the dad's phone,

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Speaker 4: and then they return theirs, and then you get the

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Speaker 4: money from it.

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Speaker 5: It's pretty straightforward. It's like he was just trying to

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Speaker 5: be Dad number one. People are complicated. I don't think

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Speaker 5: you were ungrateful. I think you were just trying to

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Speaker 5: be like, hey, was this about me or was it

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Speaker 5: really about them? Yeah, because it feels like it was

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Speaker 5: more about them and getting one over on them than

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Speaker 5: it was getting me the thing I actually wanted. It

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Speaker 5: was like, you're doing both, but which one was really

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Speaker 5: pushing you to do it? Like if you didn't hear

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Speaker 5: that they had gotten me that phone, would you have

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Speaker 5: still gotten.

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Speaker 1: Me the phone?

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Speaker 4: Exactly? Because I feel like if his issue was like, oh,

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Speaker 4: like I didn't want them to spend the money, then

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Speaker 4: he would have talked to them and be like, hey, no,

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Speaker 4: like let me pay you back for this.

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Speaker 5: If anything, it feels the opposite that he's like, turns

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Speaker 5: out you spent all that money for no reason.

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Speaker 4: We do have a second update, which is three days

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Speaker 4: after the last update. I'm writing this from the school

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Speaker 4: it suite. I just wanted to share something. Firstly, it

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Speaker 4: makes me really uncomfortable that people were sending me hate

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Speaker 4: messages and passing away wishes to my dad. People were

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Speaker 4: messaging me saying that they wish he oh wow, sorry,

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Speaker 4: but you people need help. It's not normal to treat

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Speaker 4: people like that, and it's not normal to say things

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Speaker 4: like that to people.

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Speaker 5: Yes, fifteen year old discovers Internet comments are not always

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Speaker 5: the most gracefully put.

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Speaker 4: People were accusing me of being blindly loyal to my dad,

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Speaker 4: which simply isn't true. I've said so many times that

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Speaker 4: my dad isn't a great person, but that doesn't mean

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Speaker 4: he's a sociopath or that he deserves to pass away.

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Speaker 4: It's so crazy that I get downvoted for saying, bro,

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Speaker 4: calm down a bit please when I respond to people

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Speaker 4: like that. Anyways, my dad is still ignoring me, which

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Speaker 4: is making me really upset. I've sent him some messages

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Speaker 4: just basically saying how's you, how's work and stuff, and

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Speaker 4: he's left me on Reddit every day since last Thursday.

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Speaker 4: So I've decided that I'm just going to leave it

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Speaker 4: and if he wants to talk with me again, he

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Speaker 4: can come to me. Henry and Aaron said that they

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Speaker 4: felt really bad because they said that they shouldn't have

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Speaker 4: told me about what my dad did, but I said

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Speaker 4: that I'm glad that they told me. I decided that

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Speaker 4: I would keep the phone in my dad gave me

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Speaker 4: and we'd return the phone that Henry and Aaron bought me,

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Speaker 4: and we're going to use the money for a trip

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Speaker 4: to Drayton Manor where we have the fast passes so

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Speaker 4: we don't need to wait in any lines, and we're

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Speaker 4: going to take my little brother. Also, he doesn't live

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Speaker 4: with me Henry and Aaron, which is going to be

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Speaker 4: so much fun. And I'm really excited for that. Seep boom.

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Speaker 4: Let the dad spend his money and you guys can

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Speaker 4: go on a fun trip.

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Speaker 1: Exactly.

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Speaker 4: There's a little bit more to the story. You have

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Speaker 4: any final thoughts before we wrap it up.

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Speaker 5: Oh, he's going about this right fifteen year old, I think,

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Speaker 5: And it's like, I think it shows the foster.

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Speaker 1: Parents I really care about Op.

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Speaker 5: They're worried about Op and they're like, we're sorry, we

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Speaker 5: shouldn't have told you that about your dad, and Op's like, no,

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Speaker 5: I feel great. I would prefer to know that I'm

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Speaker 5: fifteen now, I'm going.

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Speaker 1: To grow up. You're doing the kid at disservice.

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Speaker 5: If you continue to restrict their ability to access.

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Speaker 4: He can handle this kind of stuff. I think they're

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Speaker 4: learning that there's a little bit more to the story.

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Speaker 4: I just want to clarify some things. I am long

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Speaker 4: term matched with Henry and Aaron, which means that I'm

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Speaker 4: never going to be reunified with my biological parents, even

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Speaker 4: if they became superparents with no flaws. I'm matched with

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Speaker 4: Henry and Aaron, so I'm staying with them until I'm eighteen.

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Speaker 4: This has been the case since I was eleven ish.

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Speaker 4: There have been plans for me to move back in

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Speaker 4: with my parents because, to be honest, neither of them

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Speaker 4: want me to. Sounds harsh, but it's true, and I

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Speaker 4: like living with Henry and Aaron. Also, both my mom

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Speaker 4: and my dad have children with other people. Now we're

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Speaker 4: still a family, though. I just have a very big,

365
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Speaker 4: very weird family, and that is the end of that story.

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Speaker 5: A perfect perspective to have on that. Families just big

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Speaker 5: and weird, complicated.

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Speaker 4: But that's the end of that story.

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Speaker 5: My mother ended our relationship. Now she wants to take

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Speaker 5: it back.

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Speaker 4: Too bad, So sad you're too late.

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Speaker 5: No takes these back seats. Sorry, gonna try and make

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Speaker 5: it relatively short. Spoiler it's not, but for context, I

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00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:22,400
Speaker 5: twenty six female to male have been my mom's fifty

375
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Speaker 5: four female emotional regulation From my whole life, I know

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Speaker 5: she has her own perspective on what's been going on,

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00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,040
Speaker 5: but for extra perspectives from people close to the family,

378
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Speaker 5: including people close to her. Some people mentioned to me

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Speaker 5: and my siblings a few years ago that the way

380
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Speaker 5: she treats us and our father is not normal. By

381
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Speaker 5: the way, this comes from user beginning Star six twenty

382
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,160
Speaker 5: and if you want to submit your own stories, go

383
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,200
Speaker 5: to the r S last show Okay, storytime subred it. So.

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Speaker 5: My closest friends who I can fide in about the

385
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Speaker 5: things she said to me, have suggested that I go

386
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Speaker 5: no contact or end my relationship with her. Another friend

387
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Speaker 5: has suggested that she's emotionally harmful. My therapist thinks that

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Speaker 5: she has self absorbed traits, and my sister has said

389
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Speaker 5: I should cut her off and that she might do

390
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,360
Speaker 5: the same. My brother's ex, who plan to marry him

391
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Speaker 5: and have children together, explicitly said that our mom would

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Speaker 5: not ever be allowed near her children. I've spent the

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Speaker 5: last year and a half trying to work with my

394
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,640
Speaker 5: mom to improve our dynamic and explain to her how

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Speaker 5: and why I'm hurt by the way she treats me.

396
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Speaker 5: I never had the intention of ending the relationship and

397
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Speaker 5: have been trying really hard to get us into family

398
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Speaker 5: therapy or to have a mediator or other unbiased third

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Speaker 5: party to help us work through this, and she has

400
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:38,560
Speaker 5: refused because she doesn't trust therapists, which if someone's a narcissist,

401
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Speaker 5: they'll never enjoy therapy because it's them being called out

402
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Speaker 5: on things.

403
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Speaker 1: They should do differently.

404
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,040
Speaker 5: Yeah, we've been texting on and off about our issues

405
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,879
Speaker 5: and have talked in person once. It hasn't been going

406
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,760
Speaker 5: well since we're not having any outside help. I've been

407
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,560
Speaker 5: trying to understand her perspective better to see how we

408
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Speaker 5: might move through this. Some of what I've learned about

409
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:05,119
Speaker 5: her are the following. She believes that intention is way

410
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,560
Speaker 5: more important than impact. In practice, this means she does

411
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,119
Speaker 5: not apologize for hurting someone's feelings unless she meant to

412
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,120
Speaker 5: hurt them and feels bad about it. When someone tells

413
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,840
Speaker 5: her they've been hurt by something she says, she just

414
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,439
Speaker 5: explains that she didn't mean to and expects things to

415
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,919
Speaker 5: be fine again, which is not how that works.

416
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, she believes.

417
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Speaker 5: That all she can do if she has unintentionally hurt

418
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,760
Speaker 5: someone's feelings is explain herself. Apologizing is not on the table.

419
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,159
Speaker 5: Trying to understand why it hurt is not on the table.

420
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Speaker 5: Committing to not doing it again is not on the table.

421
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,439
Speaker 5: She genuinely believes that a bad mental health day is

422
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Speaker 5: more than enough of an excuse to treat people poorly

423
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,240
Speaker 5: and lash out. Our last conversation via text was in September.

424
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,199
Speaker 5: She'd claimed that she was still didn't know what she

425
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,679
Speaker 5: had done to hurt my feelings, so how could we

426
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Speaker 5: possibly move towards repair if she didn't know what we

427
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,119
Speaker 5: were repairing. I sent her a bullet point list of

428
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,840
Speaker 5: only the things we had already talked about that had

429
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,760
Speaker 5: happened in the past year and a half, and her

430
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,040
Speaker 5: spons was that this conversation was absurd and she was

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Speaker 5: busy until November trying to get a narcissist to go, Hey,

432
00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:09,480
Speaker 5: I should change the way I behave I should change

433
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,719
Speaker 5: the patterns of in my life in the way I

434
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:18,440
Speaker 5: treat people. Yeah, that's an uphill head against the wall battle,

435
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:19,080
Speaker 5: for sure.

436
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:22,320
Speaker 4: I'm just because she was just saying, like, we can

437
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,680
Speaker 4: talk about this, but like not until November because I'm busy.

438
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:26,600
Speaker 1: Is that what she said?

439
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,840
Speaker 5: It's really just more that she's like, well, she thought

440
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,280
Speaker 5: she had op being like, well, I don't even know

441
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,600
Speaker 5: what we're finding, muscle, you're gonna have to and it's like, oh,

442
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,560
Speaker 5: don't worry, I have the whole list.

443
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:37,399
Speaker 1: I have bullet points.

444
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:37,919
Speaker 4: Yeah.

445
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,919
Speaker 5: And then when it's like, oh, you actually have a

446
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,760
Speaker 5: structured argument, or like you're coming at me with some prep, Well, actually,

447
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,359
Speaker 5: now I'm just gonna call this absurd and I won't

448
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:47,600
Speaker 5: be talking to you until November.

449
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,040
Speaker 4: That's so ridiculous.

450
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:50,920
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, yeah, I'm already.

451
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,760
Speaker 5: I'm just calling it now, just going to contact dude.

452
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,959
Speaker 5: You're not gonna get through this. This whole time, I

453
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,520
Speaker 5: had hoped we could work through this and understand each other.

454
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,760
Speaker 5: I thought we could beat the odds and actually have

455
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,480
Speaker 5: Her track record of repair is not good, but I

456
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,960
Speaker 5: had help in past conflicts. She has ended her relationships

457
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,760
Speaker 5: with my older brother, her own brother, her father, her cousin,

458
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,200
Speaker 5: her best friend, and boss. So I was working against

459
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,159
Speaker 5: the odds, but surely we could talk.

460
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,200
Speaker 1: Like normal adults.

461
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,719
Speaker 5: I want, or wanted her in my life, and I

462
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,560
Speaker 5: want my dad and siblings more present in my life too.

463
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,520
Speaker 5: I haven't been able to spend as much time with

464
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,760
Speaker 5: them during the past year and a half because of her.

465
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,359
Speaker 5: Apparently anytime I mentioned in her presence, she shuts down,

466
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,840
Speaker 5: gets angry, and storms off. I don't want to hurt

467
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:37,719
Speaker 5: their relationships with her, so I've been reaching out less often,

468
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,280
Speaker 5: particularly to my dad, who I miss a lot.

469
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:41,320
Speaker 1: Don't do this.

470
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,359
Speaker 5: You're not hurting the relationships. Your mom is hurting the relationship.

471
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:47,600
Speaker 4: Absolutely. This is not your faults, not really your problem

472
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 4: to fix.

473
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,720
Speaker 1: Talk to the people you want to talk to.

474
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, yesterday she messages me out of the blue to

475
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,800
Speaker 5: say she doesn't see how we can work this out.

476
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,800
Speaker 5: I ask her what she means. She says the same thing.

477
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,199
Speaker 5: She doesn't see a way forward. She doesn't know how

478
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,000
Speaker 5: to fix this. I tell her it sounds like she's

479
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,440
Speaker 5: ending our relationship and ask her to clarify if that's

480
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,399
Speaker 5: what she was doing. She confirms and says she doesn't

481
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,159
Speaker 5: know what else to do. That she's been willing to

482
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,439
Speaker 5: apologize for one way she hurt me. Has been a

483
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,400
Speaker 5: bit of a pity party about me deserving better into

484
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,520
Speaker 5: having a life without being hurt constantly by my mom.

485
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,280
Speaker 4: Maybe talk about it, Maybe try to figure something out.

486
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,480
Speaker 4: See what you're doing wrong, see what you could do better?

487
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:24,040
Speaker 3: Right?

488
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,320
Speaker 1: But the narcissists can't do that.

489
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,919
Speaker 5: She's going, Oh, well, you're saying that the things I

490
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,080
Speaker 5: do hurt you, which would make me bad, which I

491
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:34,239
Speaker 5: can't live in that reality. So I'm not accepting that

492
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,479
Speaker 5: it's actually your fault that your feelings are hurt, and

493
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,920
Speaker 5: not my fault for hurting your feelings with the things

494
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:39,360
Speaker 5: that I did.

495
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:43,240
Speaker 4: Right, you deserve so much better giving her an excuse

496
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,960
Speaker 4: making it seem like this is like a good choice

497
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,479
Speaker 4: by the mom from that guilt tripping not true.

498
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,800
Speaker 5: Everyone has the capacity to change, so does his mom.

499
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,919
Speaker 5: But you, op are not equipped with the tools that

500
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,360
Speaker 5: you would need to try to help her or have

501
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,200
Speaker 5: her change in a positive way.

502
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:00,680
Speaker 4: Yeah.

503
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 5: I repeat what I've been saying this whole time, that

504
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,679
Speaker 5: I'm just asking for an apology and an attempt to

505
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,520
Speaker 5: understand how she is hurting me in a commitment to

506
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,360
Speaker 5: behave differently. I tell her, if she wanted to apologize,

507
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,480
Speaker 5: I've never stood in her way. If she wanted to understand,

508
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,159
Speaker 5: she could have listened to any of the times I've

509
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,240
Speaker 5: explained it to her. I told her, if she wanted

510
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,119
Speaker 5: to treat me differently, she could have started. Lastly, I

511
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,760
Speaker 5: tell her it's disappointing that she's made this decision, but

512
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,080
Speaker 5: I won't stand in her way. She replied with a

513
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:30,560
Speaker 5: single sentence apology for one of the hurtful things she's done.

514
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,399
Speaker 5: I can't help but read it with a sarcastic tone,

515
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,879
Speaker 5: although I think she may have intended it as a

516
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,280
Speaker 5: half but olive branch or an attempt to keep talking

517
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,399
Speaker 5: and undo her decision minutes earlier to end our relationship.

518
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,119
Speaker 5: I haven't responded. I don't think I want to. I

519
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,320
Speaker 5: don't think she's actually willing to hear me out or

520
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,880
Speaker 5: change how she treats me. Is that an ahole move

521
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,560
Speaker 5: to accept her decision to end the relationship but reject

522
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:55,879
Speaker 5: her minuscule apology.

523
00:22:56,200 --> 00:23:00,119
Speaker 1: There's an update. No, you're not the a all. Your

524
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,679
Speaker 1: mom's narcissist.

525
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:05,919
Speaker 5: Absolutely, and that doesn't necessarily make her evil, but it

526
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,920
Speaker 5: just makes her behave in a way that's like, you're

527
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,080
Speaker 5: not gonna get through to Yeah, the way she's acting,

528
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:13,359
Speaker 5: you won't be able to have a tangible impact on

529
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:17,960
Speaker 5: her actions, right, because they're just that hard to unprogram

530
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,440
Speaker 5: after a certain amount of time. Yeah.

531
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,480
Speaker 4: Absolutely. And then, of course, since she's so like manipulative,

532
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,000
Speaker 4: she's using all these guilt tripping things.

533
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,320
Speaker 5: If she goes, you know what, there's no way forward,

534
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 5: can't fix it. We're gonna just have to stop communicating.

535
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,480
Speaker 5: Then you go, So, there's a hundred different ways we

536
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,920
Speaker 5: could fix this, But if you're gonna say that, then

537
00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 5: that's what we'll do.

538
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 4: That's true.

539
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,760
Speaker 1: I agree with that. Yeah, do that.

540
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,359
Speaker 5: Don't let her back in with a sarcastic apology that

541
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,480
Speaker 5: she doesn't mean and you know she doesn't mean it.

542
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:44,960
Speaker 1: Update.

543
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 5: Over the last few weeks, I was holding strong in

544
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,120
Speaker 5: my decision to not accept her take seas back seas.

545
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,200
Speaker 5: She messaged me several more times since then, each time

546
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,160
Speaker 5: with some unhinged prospect that made it harder to not respond.

547
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,720
Speaker 5: She has decided to speak to her lawyer and strategize

548
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,920
Speaker 5: without me at length about whether or not they could

549
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:08,040
Speaker 5: get me a restraining order against my childhood abuser. She

550
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,040
Speaker 5: said she wouldn't move forward until I okayed it, and

551
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:13,440
Speaker 5: followed up a week later she added a big old

552
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,879
Speaker 5: spiel about how if we were to keep trying to

553
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,600
Speaker 5: work things out, she thought I needed to consider that

554
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,360
Speaker 5: every event has three points of view, mine, hers and

555
00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:25,239
Speaker 5: what really happened, and that I needed to consider her

556
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,679
Speaker 5: point of view about the times she has hurt me,

557
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,440
Speaker 5: what the core of her thing is. She's like, intent

558
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:37,040
Speaker 5: means more than what actually happened, Yeah, which is just backwards.

559
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:42,640
Speaker 5: It's like, actually, what really happens trumps the intent because

560
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,119
Speaker 5: you have this is what I meant to do. Here's

561
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,240
Speaker 5: the thing that happened, right, The thing that happened now

562
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,600
Speaker 5: holds more weight than what you wanted to happen.

563
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:51,920
Speaker 3: Yeah.

564
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 4: I feel like that only works and situations where it's like, oh, sorry,

565
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,959
Speaker 4: like I meant to I can't thlieve an example, but

566
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,200
Speaker 4: like very small all things like oh I'm sorry, I'm

567
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,199
Speaker 4: just meant to clean your room. I'm sorry that I

568
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,639
Speaker 4: put things in the wrong spot, you know, like that

569
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,840
Speaker 4: kind of thing, Very little things like that. With just

570
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 4: straight up hurting people, it's like, what, well, it's just.

571
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,320
Speaker 5: The argument of what did someone mean versus how were

572
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,199
Speaker 5: they perceived. She also went on a bit of a

573
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,880
Speaker 5: rant about how boundaries, saying I can have personal boundaries

574
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,800
Speaker 5: that affect only me, but that it's not okay for

575
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,280
Speaker 5: me to have boundaries that she has to abide by

576
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:28,840
Speaker 5: in order to have a relationship with me.

577
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,760
Speaker 1: Also fully backward exactly.

578
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,560
Speaker 5: She seems to think that we need to mutually agree

579
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 5: to my boundaries, which is not how boundaries were, and

580
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,000
Speaker 5: that if she doesn't agree, she doesn't have to respect

581
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,440
Speaker 5: them because it would make her feel unsafe in the relationship.

582
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,760
Speaker 5: I broke down and responded, nothing too long. I said, hey,

583
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,200
Speaker 5: don't go talking to a lawyer about my situation without

584
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,679
Speaker 5: me there. I told her that her earlier decision to

585
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,680
Speaker 5: end the relationships and then do take Sea backseas resulted

586
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,159
Speaker 5: in a loss of trust in her. I told her

587
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,240
Speaker 5: I was not willing to continue the back and forth

588
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:02,000
Speaker 5: messages because it wasn't working, and suggested two ways forward

589
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,679
Speaker 5: family therapy or give up on resolution. Go to just

590
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,280
Speaker 5: minimal contact, one brunch a year for a catchup, no

591
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,080
Speaker 5: family dinners or holiday invites. I said she could pick

592
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,320
Speaker 5: either or none, but I wasn't willing to keep doing

593
00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 5: what we've been doing. I also responded to her rant

594
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 5: about boundaries. I have boundaries, regardless of whether or not

595
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,760
Speaker 5: she likes them, and she can ask questions about them

596
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 5: to understand if she doesn't agree, but pushing them results

597
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,480
Speaker 5: in me reducing or taking away her access to me.

598
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,600
Speaker 5: She responded on the twenty third, with perfect timing to

599
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 5: blow up the family. Right before Christmas, she wrote a

600
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,520
Speaker 5: freaking novel responding to a dozen of my earlier messages

601
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 5: plus my most recent one. Sentence by sentence, she would

602
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,880
Speaker 5: copy and paste a sentence of one of my messages,

603
00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:49,680
Speaker 5: then respond to it over and over. This coming from

604
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,760
Speaker 5: the woman who's like, ah, we have nothing to talk about.

605
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:52,960
Speaker 1: I don't see a way forward.

606
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:53,400
Speaker 4: Right.

607
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:57,840
Speaker 5: Actually, here's a complete dissertation on everything I think and

608
00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 5: everything I see.

609
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, it sounds like you got a lot on your mind. Actually,

610
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,119
Speaker 4: she's doing.

611
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 5: A power play. She's powerplaying you. She's doing it right

612
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,439
Speaker 5: at Christmas. And then she's gonna say, and this is

613
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,680
Speaker 5: your fault. You ruined Christmas by sending all these messages,

614
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 5: which is not true. She ruined Christmas by responding to

615
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,720
Speaker 5: them today before Christmas Eve like an unhinged maniac.

616
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,320
Speaker 4: We see you, we know your tricks.

617
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,680
Speaker 5: I see through you. I haven't seen anything like it before.

618
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,960
Speaker 5: And I don't know what she hope to actually accomplish.

619
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,680
Speaker 5: Here most of her responses where I don't know how

620
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 5: I have hurt you, I don't know what you're talking about,

621
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,720
Speaker 5: or I don't understand, but a lot of these things

622
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,120
Speaker 5: were explained at other points in the same message where

623
00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 5: we had talked about them earlier. So what the heck, Yeah,

624
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,040
Speaker 5: it's because she's not in your reality, dude, She's in

625
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,760
Speaker 5: her narcissistic reality. She's like, well, what do you mean

626
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:45,960
Speaker 5: you were heard I don't get it. Well, I don't

627
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,160
Speaker 5: understand what that means. Oh, I explained it in an

628
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 5: entire paragraph back here in that message you quoted. Yeah,

629
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,320
Speaker 5: but I don't get it because I can't hurt your feelings.

630
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,080
Speaker 5: Receiving that message was a firm turning point for me.

631
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:58,640
Speaker 5: I've had several points in the last year when I've

632
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:00,800
Speaker 5: thought this would be the end and had started to

633
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:01,360
Speaker 5: accept that.

634
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,040
Speaker 1: There was no real relationship for us.

635
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,959
Speaker 5: A key moment was the unanimous response to my previous post.

636
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 5: So thank you read it for affirming my experience and

637
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,440
Speaker 5: supporting me. I took a couple of days and responded

638
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 5: yesterday so that she wouldn't be able to blow up

639
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,359
Speaker 5: Christmas Day when the rest of my family would be

640
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,280
Speaker 5: with her. I was, of course, not at her Christmas.

641
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,439
Speaker 5: I told her I'm giving up that she doesn't understand

642
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 5: what boundaries are or how they function into healthy, respectful relationships.

643
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,159
Speaker 5: I told her that it's not worth it for me

644
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,640
Speaker 5: to keep explaining my pain just for her to act

645
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:32,119
Speaker 5: like I'm keeping her in the dark.

646
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 4: I wrote a.

647
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,240
Speaker 5: Paragraph about the types of ways she has hurt me.

648
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 5: I thought y'all might like the final paragraph, in which

649
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,720
Speaker 5: I'm absolutely being unkind. But I don't regret this one quote.

650
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 5: It feels like I have a gaping hole in my

651
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 5: life where caring mother is supposed to be, and instead

652
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,520
Speaker 5: it's just you. There are people in my life who

653
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:50,720
Speaker 5: are far more deserving of that space, and I'm no

654
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 5: longer willing to reserve it for someone who hasn't earned

655
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 5: it and isn't willing to set aside their ego for

656
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,160
Speaker 5: the sake of their relationship with their child.

657
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:00,760
Speaker 1: Well said Opieah, Yeah, it's yeah. That sucks.

658
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 5: No one wants to go through that, but absolutely it's

659
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 5: better to realize this and go, hey, this isn't working,

660
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 5: and I'm gonna stop wasting my energy on it.

661
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 4: Exactly.

662
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 1: You carving through a brick wall with a spoon.

663
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, slow, agonizing, near futile work.

664
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:20,200
Speaker 1: But that is the end of that story.

665
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:23,760
Speaker 2: Hey, it's sam' your og host here readiet back to

666
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 2: the stories. But here's three minutes bads from our sponsor.

667
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,760
Speaker 3: My sister is planning an extravagant wedding, but the family

668
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 3: is paying for it.

669
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:31,880
Speaker 1: What the heck?

670
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 3: What's going on there? So my younger sister, Katie twenty

671
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:37,840
Speaker 3: eight female and her partner Chris twenty nine male, are

672
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 3: getting married in April in Dubai. She has always wanted

673
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,479
Speaker 3: an extravagant wedding and is going all out on this.

674
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,680
Speaker 3: So this wedding is happening over four days. By the way,

675
00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:48,440
Speaker 3: this comes from one change forty.

676
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:48,680
Speaker 1: Five oh three.

677
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:50,040
Speaker 3: And if you want to make your own stories, go

678
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,360
Speaker 3: to the r slash Okay storytime severed. So there are

679
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:55,440
Speaker 3: seventy guests, but they want us meet my husband and

680
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,440
Speaker 3: parents to stay in the same hotel along with them

681
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,400
Speaker 3: and her bridesmaids which I I am made of honor

682
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:05,080
Speaker 3: and the groomsman. The hotel is pretty lux so with

683
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 3: flights it's costing just over twenty nine hundred pounds east

684
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:16,960
Speaker 3: for all seventy people each each. Oh my god, twenty

685
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 3: nine hundred aka thirty nine hundred USD each. Kind of crazy.

686
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,520
Speaker 3: So Chris the Grimm's family are also staying in the hotel,

687
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 3: which includes his parents, two brothers, and his nephew.

688
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 1: They are well off.

689
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,240
Speaker 3: I don't know exactly how much they earn combined, but

690
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 3: I know Katie is on a eighty eight thousand pound

691
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:37,760
Speaker 3: salary and she is the lower earner. But about six

692
00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 3: months ago, Chris and Katie came to us and asked

693
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:45,760
Speaker 3: to borrow seventeen thousand pounds more. They stressed it would

694
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,640
Speaker 3: be alone, paid overtime, and said the venue had increased

695
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:51,760
Speaker 3: the price, Dubai law was different, blah blah blah blah blah.

696
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,360
Speaker 3: They had to pay this money or they'd lose the lot.

697
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,719
Speaker 3: We believe them, and I offered to loan seven thousand

698
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 3: pounds and my parents the other ten thousand pounds. Long

699
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,520
Speaker 3: story shorts, I have since found out through someone else

700
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 3: that the seventeen thousand pounds wasn't for the venue. Lies

701
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 3: it was for Chris's family to fly over there. They

702
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,480
Speaker 3: saw how much it was going to be, didn't want

703
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 3: to pay, and then.

704
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 1: Refused to go. So I asked Katie and she confirmed.

705
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:22,800
Speaker 5: So.

706
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 3: My first question was if they were paying for his parents,

707
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:29,040
Speaker 3: why not ours. I would never expect them to pay

708
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,680
Speaker 3: for me, even if we couldn't afford it, I'd have

709
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 3: wished them well and stayed at home. Her answer was

710
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:38,400
Speaker 3: because they can afford it. She got very defensive and

711
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,480
Speaker 3: said it was the fairest way she could think of

712
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:42,720
Speaker 3: doing it. It's hard enough planning a wedding, et cetera,

713
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:47,040
Speaker 3: the fairest. But when I asked, if you genuinely thought

714
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 3: this was the fairest way to do it, why did

715
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 3: you lie about the seventeen grand and saying it was

716
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:56,719
Speaker 3: for a venue issue, she couldn't answer. My parents are

717
00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,280
Speaker 3: aware and very disappointed. They lied, but have said they

718
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:03,640
Speaker 3: are still attending, but I have backed out. To me,

719
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:06,160
Speaker 3: it feels like my parents are being taken advantage of.

720
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,520
Speaker 3: And if they couldn't afford to pay for both our

721
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,880
Speaker 3: and Chris's parents and his brothers and nephew, then they

722
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:15,040
Speaker 3: should have just paid for the four parents or no

723
00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 3: one at all.

724
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: I guess they've paid for other people.

725
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:22,440
Speaker 2: I think OP just like maybe the parents can't actually

726
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,400
Speaker 2: pay for it, but OP just doesn't like the fact

727
00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:27,440
Speaker 2: that their family's being taken advantage of.

728
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,480
Speaker 3: A thousand percent. Yeah, and like, hey, if you're gonna

729
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:33,680
Speaker 3: fly other people over, how about starting with your freaking parents,

730
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 3: and they especially should have lied about it. Katie and

731
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,920
Speaker 3: Chris keep calling me and asking me to attend, saying

732
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,360
Speaker 3: I'm making them feel bad and ruining their day, But

733
00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 3: the whole thing just feels icky to me. I'm genuine

734
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 3: open book, So be brutal am I being an a hole? Here?

735
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 3: Should I just suck it up and go? And we

736
00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 3: do have a edit and a lot more, including the repayment. Okay,

737
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:00,320
Speaker 3: it's just to answer all quick.

738
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:01,600
Speaker 1: Is OP the a hole?

739
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:02,520
Speaker 3: First off?

740
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,640
Speaker 2: I don't think so. I think OP is just putting

741
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:07,440
Speaker 2: a boundary that like, they're not going to accept this

742
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:12,080
Speaker 2: kind of behavior from these people that are about lying

743
00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:15,200
Speaker 2: to get money. And it's already a big ass to

744
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,840
Speaker 2: ask for that money, but to lie about it, I

745
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:21,320
Speaker 2: mean would would be really damaging to the friendship and yeah,

746
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:23,200
Speaker 2: or to the relationship.

747
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:28,440
Speaker 3: Rather absolute insanity. Yeah, if you ask me edit crumbs.

748
00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:31,240
Speaker 3: That's a lot of comments. Haha, thanks so much. Everyone,

749
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,440
Speaker 3: just wanted to answer a couple of questions and comments

750
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,960
Speaker 3: that came up a lot. The repayment. My husband's brother

751
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 3: is a solicitor and he kindly drew up a contract

752
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,600
Speaker 3: and repayment plan for both myself and my parents. So

753
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,800
Speaker 3: the money will be paid off within twelve months of

754
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:50,360
Speaker 3: the wedding. Thank god. I'm guessing they signed it before,

755
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 3: like as they gave it away. If they don't stick

756
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:56,040
Speaker 3: to this, I have access to a free solicitor. Haha.

757
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 3: I hope it wouldn't come to that, but that's why

758
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 3: I have the papers for the worst case scenario on

759
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 3: asking for the seven grand back. I might be a

760
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,640
Speaker 3: soft touch, but asking for this back feels like a

761
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 3: step too far, like I'm mad as heck, but not

762
00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:13,880
Speaker 3: enough to actively try to ruin ruin their wedding a

763
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 3: few weeks before, which it feels like right now at

764
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,680
Speaker 3: least is what they would be doing. But hey, give

765
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:21,920
Speaker 3: me a few more days to stew. And now we

766
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:23,799
Speaker 3: have edit number two. Do we think, Yeah, what do

767
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:25,799
Speaker 3: you think about asking for the money back right now?

768
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:29,440
Speaker 2: The seven I think you are entitled to ask for

769
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:32,839
Speaker 2: the money back. Yeah, it seems like OP doesn't want

770
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,799
Speaker 2: to want to rock the boat too much. And it's

771
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,520
Speaker 2: like all right, like, yes, it wasn't used for the venue,

772
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 2: but it was used for like kind of way. It

773
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,319
Speaker 2: wasn't like, oh, like I took the seventy k and

774
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,720
Speaker 2: put it all in black. Yeah, when I pulled it away,

775
00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:48,560
Speaker 2: or like I'm buying a Gucci bag.

776
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:54,760
Speaker 3: Or Front airbags. We've seen another st yes. So thanks

777
00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:57,600
Speaker 3: again for all the feedback everyone. Just another quick FYI.

778
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,400
Speaker 3: A few people have asked about Chris's family or seemed

779
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,719
Speaker 3: to have the impression there. Well off, that was me too.

780
00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:06,239
Speaker 3: I'm obviously not privy to their financial situation, but from

781
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,800
Speaker 3: the limited amount I do know from what Katie has said,

782
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:10,960
Speaker 3: Chris and his family grew up very poor.

783
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:11,400
Speaker 1: Ah.

784
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:15,960
Speaker 3: Okay, so Chris's family is not very wealthy. Okay. Before

785
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,239
Speaker 3: all this, I'd always thought Chris was a lovely guy.

786
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:21,160
Speaker 3: But I had caught him in the odd but harmless

787
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,560
Speaker 3: white lie things like where we went to school, the

788
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 3: type of house he grew up in, etc. I got

789
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 3: the impression he is embarrassed or resentful of his upbringing

790
00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 3: given their lack of money, and this is how he

791
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,240
Speaker 3: now values his own self worth by how much money

792
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 3: he has. Huh. My guess is when his family said

793
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,520
Speaker 3: they couldn't go, he panicked and worried. People would ask

794
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:46,000
Speaker 3: why they weren't there, and he would either have to

795
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:49,120
Speaker 3: say they couldn't afford it or he couldn't afford to

796
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:54,880
Speaker 3: pay for them and their lies, so he's trying to

797
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:58,239
Speaker 3: save face. He asked for seventeen grand is alone to

798
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:04,600
Speaker 3: save the embarrassment, which again I don't know why this

799
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 3: hasn't been brought up by commenters or anybody.

800
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:10,840
Speaker 1: Why not stay at a cheaper hotel.

801
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 2: John, because that wouldn't be as cool and you couldn't

802
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,440
Speaker 2: flex to your family and be like, yo, look at

803
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,080
Speaker 2: how rich I am.

804
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:23,800
Speaker 3: And he would either have to say he couldn't afford

805
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 3: it or he couldn't afford to pay for them, and

806
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 3: look his past trauma slash experience. Is not for me

807
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:30,759
Speaker 3: to judge, but if that were the case, it just

808
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 3: makes me more mad that they both didn't plan ahead

809
00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:36,520
Speaker 3: and talk to friends and family about what they could

810
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 3: afford before booking Dubai again, different hotels. I'm gonna go crazy.

811
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:43,880
Speaker 3: If it was such a deal breaker for his family

812
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,520
Speaker 3: to be there, they all should have factored that cost

813
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 3: in of paying for all the parents to attend, instead

814
00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:53,279
Speaker 3: of thrusting three grand per person bill at them and

815
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:59,880
Speaker 3: expecting them to rock up. But we have an update, I.

816
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,480
Speaker 2: Hope where on to greener pastures with the update and

817
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:05,920
Speaker 2: everything gets kind of solved and it's all beautiful sunshine Roses.

818
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:06,920
Speaker 1: Update.

819
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 3: I had a lot of messages at the time of

820
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 3: posting asking for an update on what I decided to do,

821
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:15,840
Speaker 3: so wanted to check in. So in shorts, I didn't

822
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:18,320
Speaker 3: end up going to the wedding. Katie and Chris basically

823
00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 3: pestered me constantly until a few days before the wedding

824
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,320
Speaker 3: they were due to fly out. I received a belligerent

825
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:27,120
Speaker 3: voicemail from Katie saying if I didn't go, I wasn't

826
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:31,160
Speaker 3: her sister anymore. Wow, I was embarrassing myself and her

827
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,640
Speaker 3: and Chris. I was a horrible person. And most shockingly,

828
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:39,160
Speaker 3: if I didn't go, then her and Chris wouldn't be

829
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 3: paying me back or my parents for the money we loaned.

830
00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 3: So trying to blackmail me. Oh wow, once again, that

831
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:52,000
Speaker 3: was seventeen thousand dollars British dollars.

832
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,880
Speaker 2: That is more than American dollars. I mean, it's like

833
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 2: one point five.

834
00:37:56,719 --> 00:37:58,920
Speaker 3: She said that she would claim it was a gift,

835
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 3: that I faked the contract, and that I would have

836
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 3: to take her to court. She was clearly wasted at

837
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,160
Speaker 3: the time. The voicemail was left on the night she

838
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:12,240
Speaker 3: was having her at home HANDU, which I obviously didn't attend,

839
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 3: but it was so beyond anything I thought she was

840
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,880
Speaker 3: capable of. I ended up sharing it with my parents,

841
00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:23,160
Speaker 3: and they also reluctantly pulled out of attending. Now I

842
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,800
Speaker 3: heard through family and friends in attendance at the wedding

843
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:28,759
Speaker 3: that she and Chris were telling everyone I had alienated

844
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:32,760
Speaker 3: her from her family and told lies to our parents

845
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:35,799
Speaker 3: that we gifted money and expected them to pay for us,

846
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:38,680
Speaker 3: et cetera, et cetera, and that they made the decision

847
00:38:38,719 --> 00:38:43,320
Speaker 3: to uninvite myself and my husband. Other more insulting things

848
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:45,800
Speaker 3: were said that I don't particularly want to go into,

849
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,600
Speaker 3: suffice to say they were very hurtful. As I mentioned

850
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 3: in my post, I had my brother in law solicitor

851
00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:55,440
Speaker 3: drop a contract for repayment for both myself and my parents.

852
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:58,560
Speaker 3: Was supposed to be the first repayment date passed without

853
00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,640
Speaker 3: word from either of them, so brother in law picked

854
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 3: it up from there they are going down. His attempts

855
00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:09,920
Speaker 3: to reach them were ignored, apart from one email from

856
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:12,560
Speaker 3: what I think was a fake law firm outlining that

857
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:16,359
Speaker 3: the money was gifted. The contract was fraudulent and to

858
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:19,640
Speaker 3: take them to court. Basically, in response to that, brother

859
00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:22,320
Speaker 3: in law sent a copy of the voicemail Katie left

860
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:26,640
Speaker 3: and a final demand Yeah, because Katie literally said, hey,

861
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:28,960
Speaker 3: I'm going to claim that year thing was a gift

862
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:30,600
Speaker 3: that I'm going to say that you're kind like she's

863
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,520
Speaker 3: literally just completely exposing herself, and a final demand outlining

864
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:37,320
Speaker 3: the payment plan was now Nolan void and we wanted

865
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 3: the money in full within thirty days or we would

866
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:43,920
Speaker 3: indeed be going to court. Magically, the full amount appeared

867
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:47,560
Speaker 3: in our account five days later. Wow, huge, I mean

868
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:48,279
Speaker 3: pretty good.

869
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:49,640
Speaker 4: Sam.

870
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 3: Do you have any final thoughts?

871
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:58,480
Speaker 2: I think I think this person is obviously posturing and

872
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:03,360
Speaker 2: trying to have this image of class and and money

873
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:07,200
Speaker 2: and like, and it's just not I think when when

874
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:12,799
Speaker 2: someone prioritizes image over authenticity, it's not someone you want

875
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:14,839
Speaker 2: to bring too much close, because you will have things,

876
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:16,480
Speaker 2: you'll have things like this that come up.

877
00:40:16,719 --> 00:40:19,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the thing of like it's almost like the

878
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:22,120
Speaker 3: kid that was like around the private school kids and

879
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 3: then they're just like trying to like front the lifestyle.

880
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, when they're going to credit card dead or you

881
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:33,080
Speaker 2: know they're or or whatever it might be it's it's just, uh,

882
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 2: I don't know, It's just I think it shows a

883
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:40,040
Speaker 2: lack of, uh, the good values.

884
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,319
Speaker 3: I've heard on the grape vine since the wedding that

885
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:45,560
Speaker 3: they have been telling anyone who would listen that we

886
00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:47,719
Speaker 3: asked for a gift back out of the blue and

887
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:50,320
Speaker 3: disown them and how much of a difficult financial position

888
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 3: they are in because of this. So that's that I

889
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:55,440
Speaker 3: can't see myself having a relationship with after this. WHOA,

890
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,319
Speaker 3: so she is cutting off her sister.

891
00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:01,920
Speaker 2: But I mean like they're they're bad the entire family.

892
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:03,359
Speaker 2: I understand why they would do.

893
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:06,239
Speaker 3: That, which is devastating, But at the same time, I

894
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 3: truly believe that now after everything, this isn't my fault.

895
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,320
Speaker 3: That's a good point. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice.

896
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,160
Speaker 3: I hope this update is enough for everyone who asked

897
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:18,200
Speaker 3: for one. And that's it.

898
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:19,280
Speaker 2: That's all she wrote.

899
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,000
Speaker 3: Hey, it's John here, og host of the show. We're

900
00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:23,640
Speaker 3: gonna get back to these juicy stories, but here's a

901
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:25,320
Speaker 3: quick three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

902
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:29,040
Speaker 1: My sister's debt ruined our family, and I refuse to

903
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:29,400
Speaker 1: pay it.

904
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,720
Speaker 2: Then, don't the first thing to say about my father

905
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 2: is that he places a very high value on formal education,

906
00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:40,600
Speaker 2: is that very little of it himself, but believes that

907
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:42,640
Speaker 2: it is the best thing you can do in life.

908
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:44,480
Speaker 2: By the way, this comes from DoD And if you

909
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:47,400
Speaker 2: want to submit your own stories, go to our slash

910
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,319
Speaker 2: Okay story time sub write it. So I am of

911
00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:53,239
Speaker 2: a set of non identical twins with my sister, and

912
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:56,560
Speaker 2: she is everything that he could hope for in that

913
00:41:56,560 --> 00:42:00,400
Speaker 2: she's a bachelor's, master's and has just completed law school.

914
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:04,160
Speaker 2: Unfortunately for him and me, I am not suited to

915
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 2: formal education at all. I did a role for one

916
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,799
Speaker 2: semester at a state U, but I knew from day

917
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:13,520
Speaker 2: one I had made a mistake and left. He was

918
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,640
Speaker 2: furious about that at the time and confidently predicted that

919
00:42:16,719 --> 00:42:20,560
Speaker 2: I would be a bum and a loser the rest

920
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:21,280
Speaker 2: of my life.

921
00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:23,720
Speaker 1: Thank you Dad for the photo.

922
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 3: Confident you're looking at a college dropout right here.

923
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:31,680
Speaker 2: However, I found my niece as an entrepreneur. Let's go,

924
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,719
Speaker 2: and after struggling along for a few years at the

925
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:38,200
Speaker 2: beginning and now am doing very well. In the same

926
00:42:38,239 --> 00:42:39,840
Speaker 2: way that I knew college is not for me. I

927
00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:42,640
Speaker 2: know that running my own business is. I have started

928
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,359
Speaker 2: and sold a number of them over the years, and

929
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:48,120
Speaker 2: although not everything I've tried has worked out by any means,

930
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,520
Speaker 2: the last one I managed to sell for a decent

931
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 2: chunk of change low eight figures.

932
00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:54,440
Speaker 5: My boy.

933
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:59,120
Speaker 1: Let's go going crazy. Let's go fellow entrepreneur.

934
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,320
Speaker 2: Oh, it's going crazy.

935
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:02,080
Speaker 3: My god.

936
00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:04,719
Speaker 2: And have recently moved across the country to NYC to

937
00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 2: find a mentor to help me play in the big leagues.

938
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,480
Speaker 2: Prior to this incident, I thought that my father had

939
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,600
Speaker 2: come to terms with me not going to college, et cetera,

940
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:17,040
Speaker 2: and making a success of being a businessman instead. He

941
00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:18,760
Speaker 2: and I have never been on the best of terms,

942
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:22,320
Speaker 2: but I did honestly think we had managed to get

943
00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:25,759
Speaker 2: to some sort of working relationship. I should add that

944
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 2: my sister and I have always been close, and although

945
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:29,879
Speaker 2: our lives have taken us in different directions, we still

946
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:33,040
Speaker 2: speak at least once per month. I always knew she

947
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:35,239
Speaker 2: must have incurred a good amount of student loan debt

948
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:38,240
Speaker 2: over the years. But I see you in the chat

949
00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:43,040
Speaker 2: if you know what's coming. Daddy's little golden educated girl

950
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:46,279
Speaker 2: might not have two pennies for rup together, but big

951
00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:49,960
Speaker 2: Daddy warbugs old pie has been selling businesses since he

952
00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:53,799
Speaker 2: started a lemonade stand at five years old. Come on,

953
00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:56,600
Speaker 2: come on, but I have never tried to tell her

954
00:43:56,680 --> 00:43:58,479
Speaker 2: how to live her life, and she has never tried

955
00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:03,040
Speaker 2: to tell me to live mine. My sister got engaged

956
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:05,360
Speaker 2: last year to a guy she met in law school.

957
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:09,000
Speaker 2: Boom nice. I have met him once they came to

958
00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:11,840
Speaker 2: NYC for a visit, and he seemed alright to me.

959
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:14,920
Speaker 2: Fast forward to two weeks ago, and I'm traveling NYC

960
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 2: to our hometown for meet the family type dinner with

961
00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:22,120
Speaker 2: my family and my future brother in law's family. Coincidentally,

962
00:44:22,719 --> 00:44:25,239
Speaker 2: they come from a nearby town. Up front, I will

963
00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:27,160
Speaker 2: be very honest and say that I didn't really want

964
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,160
Speaker 2: to go, as there's a long trip for me and

965
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:32,080
Speaker 2: I'm a very busy person, and what does it matter

966
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 2: if I meet his family or not. But I go

967
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:37,239
Speaker 2: for my sister's sake. Anyways, just before dinner, my father

968
00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:40,600
Speaker 2: pulls me off to one side and tells me that

969
00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:44,680
Speaker 2: sister and brother in law have a combined student loan

970
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:53,800
Speaker 2: debt of nearly five hundred thousand dollars. That is so much.

971
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 2: You better get that law lawing asap.

972
00:44:59,200 --> 00:44:59,959
Speaker 3: Better be law.

973
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:03,640
Speaker 2: But that lobby, Yeah, that lobby be lawn. You better

974
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:09,920
Speaker 2: be gabbling gabble gabble asap because you gotta pay that

975
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:12,400
Speaker 2: crap off. It would be really nice if I did

976
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,440
Speaker 2: something for the family for once and paid it off

977
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,240
Speaker 2: for them as a wedding gift. That's an insane request

978
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:20,239
Speaker 2: and also an insane way of phrasing it.

979
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:22,239
Speaker 3: Uh, you know what would be nice if you were

980
00:45:22,400 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 3: a good father for once?

981
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:25,160
Speaker 1: Boom.

982
00:45:25,719 --> 00:45:28,040
Speaker 2: Frankly, I've been expecting him to ask me to contribute

983
00:45:28,080 --> 00:45:30,320
Speaker 2: to the cost of the wedding, and it already decided

984
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:32,799
Speaker 2: that I would just keep my mouth shut and pay

985
00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 2: up so long it was less than twenty five K.

986
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:39,319
Speaker 2: But this really shocked me. It was really matter of

987
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:41,080
Speaker 2: fact the way he said it. Now I have the

988
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:47,640
Speaker 2: money and wouldn't really miss it. Boom dang man is loaded.

989
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:51,720
Speaker 3: Wow, he would not miss five hundred thousand dollars.

990
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:53,800
Speaker 1: But that was not the point.

991
00:45:54,239 --> 00:45:56,680
Speaker 2: The point is not how rich I am. Gets worse.

992
00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:58,840
Speaker 2: As we're sitting down and eating, it transpires that he

993
00:45:58,880 --> 00:46:02,520
Speaker 2: has told everyone that I am rich and I will

994
00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:05,120
Speaker 2: be paying off the student loan debt. There are toast

995
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:07,480
Speaker 2: heartfelt thank you. While I am just sitting there, stunned

996
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:10,560
Speaker 2: and being railroaded in the most brazen way I've ever seen.

997
00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:13,560
Speaker 2: Long story short, I said a few things I probably

998
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:15,960
Speaker 2: shouldn't have, ended up walking out of the restaurant there,

999
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,440
Speaker 2: and then going back to the airport and catching the

1000
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:20,880
Speaker 2: Red Eye back to New York. While I'm in the

1001
00:46:20,920 --> 00:46:25,200
Speaker 2: air sitting in first class, I assume I'm stewing on

1002
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:28,320
Speaker 2: the whole situation. But by the time I land, I

1003
00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:32,360
Speaker 2: have calmed down, after you know, having five star meals

1004
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 2: in the air and thinking what have I done. However,

1005
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:37,399
Speaker 2: when I search my phone back on in the cab

1006
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,719
Speaker 2: back to my apartment, it just blows up with voice

1007
00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:43,759
Speaker 2: messages and texts for my parents and sister. Later that night,

1008
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,920
Speaker 2: my sister rings me again, and this time I answer it.

1009
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 2: I explained that this isn't about money, but the way

1010
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:51,759
Speaker 2: in which it was just assumed that it would pay up.

1011
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:55,239
Speaker 2: I know that this sounds really petty now, but I

1012
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:57,600
Speaker 2: was just so angry at the time. My sister was

1013
00:46:57,600 --> 00:46:59,960
Speaker 2: really surprised, and she knew nothing about it before they

1014
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:03,040
Speaker 2: and afterwards Dad was going around telling everyone that I

1015
00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:04,960
Speaker 2: had said I was going to pay it, but had

1016
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:09,160
Speaker 2: now changed my mind. She ended up being really embarrassed

1017
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:11,080
Speaker 2: in front of her future in laws who are now

1018
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:15,120
Speaker 2: wondering what their son is marrying into. So it is

1019
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 2: now very pissed at our dad. Now I come to

1020
00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:21,279
Speaker 2: the issue. We didn't have the issue before, and now

1021
00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:23,640
Speaker 2: that's the issue. Turns out my sister went back and

1022
00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:25,839
Speaker 2: confronted our dad about it and there was a huge row.

1023
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:28,200
Speaker 2: And now she's talking about eloping and not having a

1024
00:47:28,239 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 2: big family wedding at all, or only inviting her fiance's family,

1025
00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:35,440
Speaker 2: et cetera, et cetera. My phone is being besieged with

1026
00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:37,360
Speaker 2: messages for my parents to talk to my sister and

1027
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:40,360
Speaker 2: ask her forgiveness so that she will forgive them. The

1028
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:42,920
Speaker 2: final message from my father before writing this was just

1029
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:44,960
Speaker 2: him ranting about how I don't deserve the money that

1030
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:47,759
Speaker 2: I have and it is because of people like me

1031
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:52,319
Speaker 2: that college graduates are struggling. Seems that we aren't in

1032
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:54,600
Speaker 2: such a good place after all. I'm not sure what

1033
00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:56,200
Speaker 2: to do. Was I totally out of line? I don't

1034
00:47:56,200 --> 00:47:58,200
Speaker 2: have many friends to talk about this, and those I

1035
00:47:58,239 --> 00:48:01,160
Speaker 2: do probably have as equal least youwed perception on this

1036
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,600
Speaker 2: as I do. Did I get this totally wrong? Should

1037
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:06,120
Speaker 2: I have paid the money. I hate being railroaded, and

1038
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,480
Speaker 2: that is what it felt like, as though my only

1039
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 2: value there was a source of funds. Having said that,

1040
00:48:11,719 --> 00:48:14,760
Speaker 2: I'd hate to think that my sister's wedding gets ruined

1041
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:17,759
Speaker 2: because of me. We got an update, But what do

1042
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,480
Speaker 2: you think John is opda hole for after that coming

1043
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:23,919
Speaker 2: out leaving the party and being like I'm not taking

1044
00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:24,480
Speaker 2: any part of this.

1045
00:48:25,160 --> 00:48:29,040
Speaker 3: Uh not at all. I mean, what an insane thing

1046
00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:33,359
Speaker 3: to say in front of everyone. We were like, hey,

1047
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:36,760
Speaker 3: he's just gonna pay this without like getting that confirmation

1048
00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:38,080
Speaker 3: from Op at all.

1049
00:48:38,320 --> 00:48:41,760
Speaker 2: Dad's way out of line. I think going low contact

1050
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:44,000
Speaker 2: with Dad makes a ton of sense. Do you think

1051
00:48:44,120 --> 00:48:47,960
Speaker 2: the sister is kind of innocently caught in the crosshairs here?

1052
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:50,879
Speaker 1: Hey, you know what's always good communication?

1053
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:51,319
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1054
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,080
Speaker 3: You know, so we can go to sister and be like,

1055
00:48:53,400 --> 00:48:58,399
Speaker 3: hey listen, Uh, Dad was being crazy, but I want

1056
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:00,480
Speaker 3: to talk to you. I want to see where your

1057
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:04,120
Speaker 3: head's at. Like I don't know, because again op was like,

1058
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:07,480
Speaker 3: oh he had this more direct connection in relationship with

1059
00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:09,719
Speaker 3: the sister, it seems, so maybe reach out to a

1060
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:12,399
Speaker 3: direct and kind of see if you can see eye

1061
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:15,640
Speaker 3: to eye and see if she's like not in dad land.

1062
00:49:16,280 --> 00:49:21,040
Speaker 2: My thought process is maybe, Ope, it was terrible what

1063
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:23,399
Speaker 2: the dad did, and maybe OP did need to cool

1064
00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:27,520
Speaker 2: off and leave. But I feel like maybe doing so

1065
00:49:27,880 --> 00:49:32,400
Speaker 2: in a less public way, you may have saved the

1066
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:35,879
Speaker 2: sister's face. If she was more blameless than this.

1067
00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:37,799
Speaker 3: That is a good point. She was kind of like

1068
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:39,600
Speaker 3: collateral damage I read it.

1069
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:41,080
Speaker 2: It's been a few months since my original post, and

1070
00:49:41,080 --> 00:49:42,839
Speaker 2: a few people have asked for an update during the time,

1071
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 2: and honestly, I kind of feel like I owe it.

1072
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 2: I forgot so many replies my posts, but I wanted

1073
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:49,640
Speaker 2: to wait until we had some kind of resolution before

1074
00:49:49,680 --> 00:49:52,000
Speaker 2: I start. Many many thanks to everyone who commented, even

1075
00:49:52,040 --> 00:49:54,440
Speaker 2: those who thought I was an evil capitalist who made

1076
00:49:54,440 --> 00:49:58,040
Speaker 2: by money off the backs of the paw. A couple

1077
00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:00,760
Speaker 2: of things I want to clarify. One certain her fiance

1078
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:03,880
Speaker 2: were not expecting anything from me financially too. They were

1079
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,759
Speaker 2: both very smart and hard working people who went to

1080
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 2: law school with their eyes wide open about the dead situation.

1081
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:12,320
Speaker 2: I strongly believe they will be absolutely fine. Also, a

1082
00:50:12,320 --> 00:50:14,120
Speaker 2: few of you had a guest at our ethnicity, and

1083
00:50:14,160 --> 00:50:16,279
Speaker 2: while I don't want to give too much away, we

1084
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:19,279
Speaker 2: are from an Asian immigrant family, came over a couple

1085
00:50:19,400 --> 00:50:22,280
Speaker 2: generations back, and my sister's fiance is white.

1086
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:24,319
Speaker 1: Okay, So, as much as I.

1087
00:50:24,320 --> 00:50:26,799
Speaker 2: Enjoyed reading a lot of your replies affirming that what

1088
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:28,400
Speaker 2: I did was right, thing, a couple people made the

1089
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:31,399
Speaker 2: connection between my behavior and that of my father's, which

1090
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:33,600
Speaker 2: made me mad at first, but which began to get

1091
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:35,360
Speaker 2: under my skin so much so that I talked to

1092
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:38,439
Speaker 2: my sister about it, and her response is basically, thank

1093
00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:44,160
Speaker 2: god you finally realized. I actually ended up flying to

1094
00:50:44,239 --> 00:50:46,000
Speaker 2: her city and spending a couple of weeks with her,

1095
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:50,319
Speaker 2: and we had several long conversations which were very eye

1096
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:52,520
Speaker 2: opening to me. A couple of the commentarys on the

1097
00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:54,880
Speaker 2: original posts brought up how I had only met the

1098
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:58,279
Speaker 2: fiance once, how I didn't want to travel, how I

1099
00:50:58,320 --> 00:51:00,839
Speaker 2: stormed out of the restaurant, et cetera second et and

1100
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:04,799
Speaker 2: how this suggested that was pretty selfish slash self absorbed,

1101
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:08,520
Speaker 2: and it turns out you were right. To her credit,

1102
00:51:08,760 --> 00:51:10,360
Speaker 2: my sister said she had put it down to me

1103
00:51:10,440 --> 00:51:13,040
Speaker 2: being very focused on the business, etc. But she also

1104
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 2: said she had tried to get me to give her

1105
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:17,160
Speaker 2: a time that we could get together repeatedly over the

1106
00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:19,839
Speaker 2: past six months, to which I didn't really respond, which

1107
00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:22,320
Speaker 2: I don't really remember, but she showed me emails and texts,

1108
00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:25,280
Speaker 2: so I believe her. I'll spare you all the details.

1109
00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:27,480
Speaker 2: There are some tears, but the short version is that

1110
00:51:27,520 --> 00:51:29,560
Speaker 2: I realized how much I had been pushing her away

1111
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:31,799
Speaker 2: without knowing it, and how much it had hurt her.

1112
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:34,160
Speaker 2: But we are all good now. Something else happened. While

1113
00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:36,279
Speaker 2: I was staying with her, had a lot of free time.

1114
00:51:36,400 --> 00:51:38,799
Speaker 2: I am in between businesses as well, so it was

1115
00:51:38,800 --> 00:51:40,319
Speaker 2: the most amount of free time that I had since

1116
00:51:40,360 --> 00:51:42,839
Speaker 2: I left high school, and so while she was at work,

1117
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,480
Speaker 2: I would basically wander around and think. I also got

1118
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:48,440
Speaker 2: to spend time with her fiance. Reading back my original post,

1119
00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:50,880
Speaker 2: I am ashamed to see that I am described that

1120
00:51:50,960 --> 00:51:52,239
Speaker 2: I described him as all right.

1121
00:51:52,680 --> 00:51:53,560
Speaker 1: He is a great guy.

1122
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:56,920
Speaker 2: He really loves and cares for my sister and shows

1123
00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:59,799
Speaker 2: it in a thousand different ways each day. Sorry if

1124
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:03,279
Speaker 2: this machine were romantic. Which got me thinking about life

1125
00:52:03,320 --> 00:52:04,880
Speaker 2: and family and what is the point of having a

1126
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:07,719
Speaker 2: lot of money if all you do is work. Oh

1127
00:52:07,800 --> 00:52:10,279
Speaker 2: I'm not necessarily going to give up all of it now,

1128
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:13,480
Speaker 2: but I've been seriously reassessing what I want out of life,

1129
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:16,799
Speaker 2: and being happy looks pretty good. So on to my father.

1130
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:19,080
Speaker 2: I was in two minds about whether to go and

1131
00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:21,040
Speaker 2: see him or not, but in the end, after I

1132
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:22,960
Speaker 2: spent time with my sister, I went. It was the

1133
00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:25,759
Speaker 2: right thing to do. It was shocking seeing him. It

1134
00:52:25,760 --> 00:52:28,760
Speaker 2: looked like he'd aged twenty five years in the previous months.

1135
00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:32,120
Speaker 2: Apparently the whole restaurant disaster had acted as some kind

1136
00:52:32,160 --> 00:52:34,719
Speaker 2: of psychological breaking point and he had snapped.

1137
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:35,600
Speaker 3: When we met.

1138
00:52:35,680 --> 00:52:37,440
Speaker 2: None of the old animosity was there. It was like

1139
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:40,080
Speaker 2: he was a different person. I think this was worse

1140
00:52:40,440 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 2: than having him shouting at me. I didn't know what

1141
00:52:42,239 --> 00:52:44,640
Speaker 2: to do. One of my uncles told me that one

1142
00:52:44,719 --> 00:52:47,000
Speaker 2: day the police had found him wandering down the street

1143
00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:50,880
Speaker 2: and his underpants carrying as out of pruning shears. Oh, oh,

1144
00:52:50,920 --> 00:52:53,279
Speaker 2: it would be funny if it wasn't so sad. So

1145
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:55,719
Speaker 2: there you go. I'm afraid there was no great confrontation

1146
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:58,080
Speaker 2: to tell you about. No going to contact is a

1147
00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:00,279
Speaker 2: sad reality. If an old man pushed too far are

1148
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:04,360
Speaker 2: by his own fears and insecurities. After my time reflecting

1149
00:53:04,719 --> 00:53:06,560
Speaker 2: on my life, when I was staying with my sister.

1150
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:09,239
Speaker 2: Believe me when I say that I was determined not

1151
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:11,319
Speaker 2: to end up in the same place. I'm pleased to

1152
00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:13,640
Speaker 2: say that the wedding is going ahead. Future brother in

1153
00:53:13,719 --> 00:53:16,799
Speaker 2: law's family has been smoothed over. My father having a

1154
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:19,400
Speaker 2: breakdown has actually helped a lot in that, and I

1155
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:21,840
Speaker 2: have made an effort to meet them as well and

1156
00:53:21,960 --> 00:53:24,440
Speaker 2: let them know that my sister is not the only

1157
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:26,680
Speaker 2: acceptable member of our family.

1158
00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:28,680
Speaker 1: Edit the money, so.

1159
00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:30,600
Speaker 2: I'm neglected to tell you what happened about the money,

1160
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:32,799
Speaker 2: which is what most of you were interested in the

1161
00:53:32,800 --> 00:53:35,520
Speaker 2: first place. Fair enough, so, as I hope I got

1162
00:53:35,680 --> 00:53:37,480
Speaker 2: over in my original post, my sister and brother in

1163
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:41,359
Speaker 2: law never asked me for the money or expected any

1164
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:43,719
Speaker 2: I did bring it up with them very cautiously, and

1165
00:53:43,760 --> 00:53:46,400
Speaker 2: they very firmly refused. My brother in law had an

1166
00:53:46,440 --> 00:53:49,239
Speaker 2: interesting perspective that I want to share. He said that

1167
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:51,719
Speaker 2: if I had won the lottery, then he would have

1168
00:53:51,719 --> 00:53:53,920
Speaker 2: accepted me giving them money, as it would have been

1169
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:56,279
Speaker 2: pure chance that I won, But as I earned the

1170
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:58,719
Speaker 2: money through building a business from scratch and selling it,

1171
00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:00,719
Speaker 2: he didn't think it was right that I should feel

1172
00:54:00,719 --> 00:54:02,880
Speaker 2: obligated to give some of that away. A lot has

1173
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:05,919
Speaker 2: been written about Asian culture and the weight of familial obligations,

1174
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:08,479
Speaker 2: but other people have cultures too, And with my brother

1175
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:11,000
Speaker 2: in law, you do not accept charity from family members

1176
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:14,080
Speaker 2: unless it is an emergency and always pay them back.

1177
00:54:14,440 --> 00:54:17,160
Speaker 2: I am respecting his viewpoint here, at the same time

1178
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:19,520
Speaker 2: being very prepared to help them out at a moment's

1179
00:54:19,560 --> 00:54:22,759
Speaker 2: notice in the event something terrible happens such that they

1180
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:26,440
Speaker 2: can't cope or work, et cetera. Balancing all the different

1181
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:29,000
Speaker 2: obligations and I think that is the right thing to

1182
00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:36,759
Speaker 2: do for now, and that is where this story ends. Benito, Benito, Bendito,