Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Rspot,
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. If
Speaker 1: you are just joining us, my guest today is Ace Metaphor,
Speaker 1: host of Tonight's Conversation on YouTube, and we are dishing
Speaker 1: up a relationship soup, talking about many of the things
Speaker 1: that we women talk about when there's no man in
Speaker 1: the room. I hope you are out there taking notes,
Speaker 1: because my guests is truly offering some things that we
Speaker 1: as women, regardless of our age, we need to take
Speaker 1: this in and consider it. One of the things that
Speaker 1: I find so interesting about Ace is that he's telling
Speaker 1: on himself. He's telling on the brotherhood of men, and
Speaker 1: more important, he is telling on women. If you have
Speaker 1: never listened to or seen his show, please put that
Speaker 1: on your to do list. I knew I wanted to
Speaker 1: have him as a guest when I heard him say
Speaker 1: this toxic men one a good woman too. He said,
Speaker 1: is the man coming into your life to elevate you
Speaker 1: or is he coming to deplete you? You see, your
Speaker 1: good qualities are attractive to all men, the good men
Speaker 1: and the toxic ones too. Now that right there is
Speaker 1: the Hallelujah truth. Let me get back to my conversation
Speaker 1: with Ace metaphor. You got a woman at home, you
Speaker 1: got kids maybe, or you're in a decent relationship, y'all,
Speaker 1: don't fight, you like each other. You're still doing the
Speaker 1: wild thing every now and then? Why what is the thought?
Speaker 1: What happens? Do you just see the woman and I
Speaker 1: gotta have that? Or does something happen? Tell me talk
Speaker 1: to me about cheating.
Speaker 2: Okay, First, cheating is a lack of boundaries. Cheating doesn't
Speaker 2: happen over atnight. It's a conversation that leads to another,
Speaker 2: inappropriate conversation that leads to this, at least to that,
Speaker 2: and then here you are. So it's a lack of boundaries.
Speaker 2: I've always said that men are offensively minded creatures. We
Speaker 2: are taught to go pursue, whereas women are the defensive
Speaker 2: minded creatures. More so when it comes to dating, defend, reject.
Speaker 2: So oftentimes, because we've been so offensively minded, we don't work.
Speaker 2: We don't have defense. So when a woman comes and
Speaker 2: says something to you, you're not in practice of shutting
Speaker 2: it down before it even starts, right, and so that
Speaker 2: leads to more temptation than you should allow. And then
Speaker 2: finally you go ahead and do what you do. But
Speaker 2: the bigger problem, and I've discussed them, here's the thing.
Speaker 2: I'm a monogamous individual. I am just advocating for what
Speaker 2: I've heard a lot of different ways to love people.
Speaker 2: There are some people that believe that how I care
Speaker 2: and love this person isn't an indictment on how I
Speaker 2: care and love this person. There are people that live
Speaker 2: and say I can love multiple different people, I can
Speaker 2: have sex with multiple different people, but that is not
Speaker 2: an infringement on how I feel about you. The problem
Speaker 2: is you didn't get into that type of arrangement. So
Speaker 2: here's this man in his head. He's not thinking he's
Speaker 2: damaging his actual relationship because it's like, Okay, my love
Speaker 2: for you is not lessening because I still feel the
Speaker 2: same way. I still have the same loyalty even though
Speaker 2: I'm doing my dirt over here. But the problem is
Speaker 2: you're vited life in the terms of your relationship. So
Speaker 2: I just believe that there are some men that just
Speaker 2: don't need to be in monogamous relationships. There are some
Speaker 2: men that just need to practice discipline, because even if
Speaker 2: you were in a poly relationship, if you lack discipline,
Speaker 2: you can still cheat inside those relationships. And it's a
Speaker 2: discipline thing. It's a being up front thing and being honest.
Speaker 2: And let me tell you this, ta ma, but I'm
Speaker 2: gonna tell you this. Look for a second, I thought
Speaker 2: about some open relationship things, but then in my head,
Speaker 2: I was like, but that would mean that it's open
Speaker 2: both ways. I can't deal with that. So I'm gonna
Speaker 2: just be disciplined enough to not cross some boundaries.
Speaker 1: I hear you, because that's the other thing, you know,
Speaker 1: and which is why women now you know that they're
Speaker 1: stepping away. But this is what a brother explained to me.
Speaker 1: He said, So you're in a relationship seven, eight, nine,
Speaker 1: ten years and you have your little things, but the
Speaker 1: one thing is she's on you. You don't do this,
Speaker 1: you don't do that. One complaint I have no matter
Speaker 1: what I do is not right. And so you're doing that.
Speaker 1: You're doing that, and you go to work and there's
Speaker 1: a today, a woman there you know, normally you wouldn't
Speaker 1: even look at her, you know, maybe a boobs hang
Speaker 1: too low, or hair is too short or whatever. But
Speaker 1: you come in one day and she notices you because
Speaker 1: men like to be noticed. And she says, wow, you
Speaker 1: look tired today, and you're like, you look tired today? Nah,
Speaker 1: and just off the coffee, says not. Me and my
Speaker 1: old lady were going at it. Really, she's listening to you.
Speaker 1: She look a little more attractive. And then you just
Speaker 1: unload and she listens, and then you'll go your separate ways.
Speaker 1: The next day you came in, come in, she brings
Speaker 1: you a piece of cake. I baked the cake last night,
Speaker 1: and here's a piece of cake. Wait a minute, you
Speaker 1: notice me, you listen to me, and I like cake.
Speaker 1: You know I like cake. You got some psychics, And
Speaker 1: then she'd take the cake. That will say nothing, all right.
Speaker 1: And then a couple of days later, you sitting down
Speaker 1: eating lunch. Can I join you for lunch? And you
Speaker 1: all are sitting in now you're talking about Christmas, Easter,
Speaker 1: the football. She likes football. Wait a minute, hold up,
Speaker 1: she liked football. She's looking real good. And he explained
Speaker 1: to me, that's just how it happens. Here's the part
Speaker 1: that I don't get. It happens one time. Now you
Speaker 1: got to make arrangements. That's the piece I don't get.
Speaker 1: How do you do that? How do you look me
Speaker 1: in my face knowing you just got out of another
Speaker 1: woman's bed. How do you do that?
Speaker 2: Compartmentalizing it when it comes to this is your ability
Speaker 2: to do that. And that's why a lot of successful
Speaker 2: men be doing this cheating thing, because sometimes you got
Speaker 2: to learn how to compartmentalize how you feel to get
Speaker 2: something done. Compartmentalize guilt from maybe screwing a person over
Speaker 2: in a business deal, but you had to do it
Speaker 2: for your company. To do that, you compartmentalize it so
Speaker 2: much and so many things that you even do that
Speaker 2: in your relationship. There are men compartmentalize it right now.
Speaker 2: You know why because they don't want to get quote
Speaker 2: unquote nagged if they bring up how they actually feel
Speaker 2: inside the relationships. So here he is you made him mad,
Speaker 2: But instead of saying something, I'm just I'm a tuck
Speaker 2: it here. And so I just believe that there are
Speaker 2: certain men that's able to do that to where even
Speaker 2: if that guilt is present from doing what you're doing
Speaker 2: and being deceitful. You can tuck it here and you
Speaker 2: don't think about it until you revisit that room in
Speaker 2: your heart, and oftentimes you don't. It's dusty in there.
Speaker 1: You talked about this, and this is serious. So she's
Speaker 1: looking real attractive now to you, and you're sneaking around
Speaker 1: every other Tuesday at the wherever you go into her
Speaker 1: house and the d and then she comes and she
Speaker 1: tells you she's pregnant.
Speaker 2: See now, see now listen now. Now let me tell
Speaker 2: you that people got mad at me when I said this, okay,
Speaker 2: because there are pocketive people, large percentage of people that
Speaker 2: think cheating is disrespectful no matter how you do it.
Speaker 2: But in my opinion, there's a less disrespectful way to
Speaker 2: cheat and a blatantly disrespectful way to cheat. If you
Speaker 2: are out here not per detecting yourself, do it now.
Speaker 2: That's a level of disrespect and it's people that sloppingly cheat.
Speaker 2: I don't want to be cheapd Let me make this
Speaker 2: known to everybody. I don't want to be cheated on.
Speaker 2: But if you happen to do this, least care enough
Speaker 2: about me to not be sloppy. Please, So the pregnancy
Speaker 2: thing is to me, that's a double disrespect because here's
Speaker 2: the thing. A lot of people have cheating as deal breakers,
Speaker 2: and I understand that I'm a more a factor's person,
Speaker 2: Like it's what are the factors here? I still may
Speaker 2: lean towards leaving right, but if there is a chance
Speaker 2: of reconciliation, factors matter. Whether you use protection matters, how
Speaker 2: many times matters, how loudly you were doing this matters.
Speaker 2: To me, it made it matters, so for a god
Speaker 2: to do that. Now, I want to say this though
Speaker 2: the reason I don't like, and I do believe for
Speaker 2: some men and women, the reasoning that you said is plausible.
Speaker 2: I think that does happen. But I think a good
Speaker 2: number of people that are cheating in relationships are otherwise
Speaker 2: satisfied in their current relationship. It is not like their
Speaker 2: wife don't see them, it's not like they're not having
Speaker 2: sex inside their relationship. It's just some people is greed. Okay,
Speaker 2: But hear me out There are women right now that
Speaker 2: like this man because of his greed, and what I
Speaker 2: mean by that in other ways, he has amassed millions
Speaker 2: of dollars because he wasn't satisfied at just one hundred thousand,
Speaker 2: He wasn't satisfied at just five hundred thousand. He wasn't
Speaker 2: satisfied at just a million. He wasn't satisfied at just
Speaker 2: one property. He just kept going. It is a character
Speaker 2: trait of this man to continue to get more, and
Speaker 2: that attracted you to him. The downside, though, is even
Speaker 2: in his relationships want more. So it's not like you're
Speaker 2: not doing what you need to do. It's not like
Speaker 2: you're not satisfying. You're just with a greedy person. And
Speaker 2: we call it ambitious, right, And when we like what it,
Speaker 2: when we like it, it's ambitious. When we don't like it,
Speaker 2: it's greed. But this is a personality traite the ones.
Speaker 1: Who are making one hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, but you
Speaker 1: know the truck driver that you still got to help
Speaker 1: him cover the life bill. He cheating too.
Speaker 2: See, now that's beyond me.
Speaker 1: That's beyond me, whether you're the million dollar man or
Speaker 1: the truck driver or the bus driver whatever. And now
Speaker 1: she's pregnant, is it on? See I hold a woman
Speaker 1: responsible for that. But that's just me. I'm old school
Speaker 1: him not protecting himself or is it her setting him up?
Speaker 1: Because that's what I hear all the time, the woman,
Speaker 1: the wife at home, or the longtime girlfriend. She gets
Speaker 1: mad at the other woman, And I'm saying, but you
Speaker 1: don't have a relationship with her, You had a relationship
Speaker 1: with him. Why aren't you looking at him? Why wasn't
Speaker 1: he protecting himself?
Speaker 2: Can I be honest? Please, Okay, y'all gotta let me
Speaker 2: get this out. Ultimately, yes, a manship protect himself. But
Speaker 2: there are reasons why you can't sign a pre n
Speaker 2: up during the middle of sex. It won't be enforced.
Speaker 2: We're gonna throw this out because lifelong decisions shouldn't be
Speaker 2: happening in the middle of sex. So even if you
Speaker 2: come with the intentions of protecting yourself and in whatever,
Speaker 2: in the middle of sex. In my life I've heard
Speaker 2: many times, hey take it off, and in the middle
Speaker 2: of sex, you're not thinking your brain off, you might
Speaker 2: do it. And so my point is, I do believe
Speaker 2: someone can go Obviously, people can go into this sexual
Speaker 2: thing without the intentions of creating a child. But it
Speaker 2: happens so much because I just think the way we design.
Speaker 1: Sometimes she doesn't know he's married, because he's so out
Speaker 1: of any he's allowed to her. He's a lyned to
Speaker 1: the wife. He's lying to Jesus deeve.
Speaker 2: Can I fight back on that? Can I fight back
Speaker 2: on that? Do sometimes you don't know he married? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Like I understand that. I understand that, don't get me wrong.
Speaker 2: But it's also now, what is your standards with time
Speaker 2: and availability? Before we talked about before you get invested
Speaker 2: enough in a man to allow him to have sex
Speaker 2: with you without protection. So you're allowing this man that
Speaker 2: that you don't know where he lived at, then you
Speaker 2: ain't never been over his house at that point, you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. You probably only able to call
Speaker 2: every now and again because he can't pick up the phone.
Speaker 2: So y'all messaging and sneaking and to so like, it
Speaker 2: is now about you putting standards in place before you
Speaker 2: get to a certain level of intimacy that a married man,
Speaker 2: this dude would have to be. Who do need to
Speaker 2: be able to fool you in this situation? But oftentimes
Speaker 2: because we are, we are taking scratch from people. You're
Speaker 2: giving your body to a man that barely texted you back.
Speaker 2: Be honest, this is what's happening because if this man
Speaker 2: has a full relationship, marriage and family, yes he may
Speaker 2: have some spare time, but it ain't that much. It
Speaker 2: ain't that much. If you can't call this man at
Speaker 2: seven pm and he pick up and talk to you
Speaker 2: for thirty minutes. He got a wife, our girlfriend at home.
Speaker 2: Guess what can't nobody call me? It talked to me
Speaker 2: for thirty minutes? You can't, and let's do in the
Speaker 2: middle of the day. You cannot do it?
Speaker 1: She would let you talk to me?
Speaker 2: Yes, she would, she would, she would, she would.
Speaker 1: I want to hear from you as a man, how
Speaker 1: this lands, because it really is an inequality in income.
Speaker 1: There are many more high earning women. How do they?
Speaker 1: First of all, they think a man who makes less
Speaker 1: of them is dating down? But how compensate? How do
Speaker 1: what do we need to do as women to adjust
Speaker 1: for that? How do we as women navigate that? How
Speaker 1: do we and not become a labrat?
Speaker 2: Put it simply before I get to how women can
Speaker 2: do it? Men, we have to do a better job
Speaker 2: because oftentimes a woman will give you a chance, but
Speaker 2: you feel inadequate in that relationship. Is something about that
Speaker 2: male ego and that pride she making more than you,
Speaker 2: and you become a different person in that relationship then
Speaker 2: in a relationship where you are the bread winner. So
Speaker 2: we have to do a better job at being more
Speaker 2: comfortable and learning our value outside of what we provide financially.
Speaker 2: There are men that walk around that doesn't They don't
Speaker 2: feel like the man in the house because they're not
Speaker 2: providing more financially. But you can provide protection, you can
Speaker 2: provide peace, you can provide emotional security, and there's so
Speaker 2: many men that are not willing to be teammates. So
Speaker 2: before we can get to what women can do more,
Speaker 2: men have to really wake up and say, hey, listen,
Speaker 2: it's twenty twenty three. I have to bring more to
Speaker 2: the table because what I make for a living may
Speaker 2: not be enough to keep this woman satisfied because she
Speaker 2: already has that. Now, when it comes to women, the argument,
Speaker 2: I get it, but there's now they could be lying
Speaker 2: to me, or it can just be the type of
Speaker 2: followers I have. But let them tell it. They've all
Speaker 2: quote unquote dated down, They've all everybody has given a
Speaker 2: man a chance. They've done that, and so it's just
Speaker 2: about us when we do get that, don't feel like
Speaker 2: you're not a man in that situation. Now, for the
Speaker 2: women that struggle with it, now that you're not gonna
Speaker 2: like my advice, I'm gonna just be real. If you
Speaker 2: are a woman that's self aware enough to know you
Speaker 2: can't date a man that makes substantially less thing you
Speaker 2: and be happy in that relationship and still respect him
Speaker 2: as a man in that relationship, do not enter that
Speaker 2: relationship because there are certain women that will try to
Speaker 2: trick themselves because they don't want to seem shallow. But
Speaker 2: you get in this relationship and now you're emasculating that man.
Speaker 2: I hate that word, which you know what you're doing exactly.
Speaker 1: Where I was going, because we got two movies about it.
Speaker 1: Defeat that praise and there's another one. But for the women,
Speaker 1: I would say, don't think because he makes less than you,
Speaker 1: that he is less than you. And things that women
Speaker 1: do whether he makes less or not. Number one, we're
Speaker 1: history majors, and we will bring up what you did
Speaker 1: back in fifty six of what you said. And the
Speaker 1: other thing, this is the hear me, ladies. Women, I
Speaker 1: don't care if you're twenty thirty, forty, fifty sixty, I
Speaker 1: won't even talk about my age group when you remind
Speaker 1: him of how much you're doing. I paid a rent
Speaker 1: this mouse, I brought you that car. That is the emasculation,
Speaker 1: because inadequacy it's kryptonite to a man's soul.
Speaker 2: And I'm gonna say this, I got to add to that,
Speaker 2: there's only one time a man can say this is
Speaker 2: my house to a woman before the relationship just changes.
Speaker 2: That's right, And that's one of the things I had
Speaker 2: to learn in my tuolage as a man like you
Speaker 2: got one time to say certain things before the dynamics,
Speaker 2: which you got it one time to make it seem
Speaker 2: like it's I'm doing all this before that woman looks
Speaker 2: at you and trusts you differently. And the surprising part
Speaker 2: about this is there are women who have been in
Speaker 2: that situation and they've taken the abuse acted on them
Speaker 2: from a powerful man and now use that same abuse
Speaker 2: to act on someone else, which is mind boggling to me.
Speaker 2: Because if you come with that barado in a relationship,
Speaker 2: no matter if that's a man or a woman, the
Speaker 2: trust is fractured you. And here's the thing I will
Speaker 2: tell you about healthy men. I can't speak for the
Speaker 2: tops of guys. But you got for a man that's
Speaker 2: in tune with itself, a man that respects himself. You
Speaker 2: got one time to say that in that situation, or
Speaker 2: he will shut down. And then you want to wonder
Speaker 2: why this man ain't opening up to you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the thing is, they leave much creer us.
Speaker 1: We threatened to leave at least four times when they
Speaker 1: say they gone ay out. Yeah, I know, hold on,
Speaker 1: don't you dare move? Because I have a real juicy
Speaker 1: question I'm going to ask Ace right after the break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
Speaker 1: the conversation. Ace, rapid Fire, you get together, he moves
Speaker 1: into her house. Good thing, bad.
Speaker 2: Thing, bad thing. Okay, but you only gave me one choice.
Speaker 1: No, But because this is what happens. See for me,
Speaker 1: the man's got to build a nest or we got
Speaker 1: to come together. We got to do it together. But
Speaker 1: has to be his and I'm coming into it. But
Speaker 1: so very often he don't have and he goes into hers.
Speaker 1: But that's whole other thing, rapid Fire. He just got
Speaker 1: out of jail, and you looking up with a good thing,
Speaker 1: bad thing, just got out.
Speaker 2: We're talking bad thing, bad things, bad thing, about that a.
Speaker 1: Little bit, because with love after lock up, love during
Speaker 1: lock up, people are going there. And for me, I
Speaker 1: think when he's coming out of that experience that I
Speaker 1: call God's vacation retreat center, and he's coming enter and
Speaker 1: back and he needs time to find his new self.
Speaker 1: He needs time to find his new self, not to
Speaker 1: be trying to please you and find his new self.
Speaker 1: That's just me.
Speaker 2: Does that make sense? In perfect sense? Man didn't have
Speaker 2: his freedom until a month ago, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: or two days ago, and so I think this is
Speaker 2: about adjusting to that. It's about getting back on your square,
Speaker 2: getting getting your life in order, and being able to
Speaker 2: focus on that. I would question a man's priorities if
Speaker 2: right at that moment he's trying to enter a relationship,
Speaker 2: because at a space where you're supposed to be giving
Speaker 2: one hundred percent attention to you getting back on your feet,
Speaker 2: now you have to divide it between a woman and yourself.
Speaker 2: And it's hard in that moment to be able to
Speaker 2: be really good for both. So it can work, but
Speaker 2: can is not what I'm willing to risk my heart on.
Speaker 1: If you waited for him, if you waited for him, three, four, five, six.
Speaker 1: I had a guest on the rd spot recently. Eight
Speaker 1: years you waited for him, and he comes out and
Speaker 1: within a year he's gone.
Speaker 2: Listen, that man had no choice but to write you
Speaker 2: the letters. You were one of the women that was
Speaker 2: willing to correspond with him. And I even say this
Speaker 2: because I've had multiple boys that took a little vacation.
Speaker 2: People be thinking dudes in jail don't cheat. They cheat.
Speaker 2: It might not be physically, but they make another collect calls. Okay,
Speaker 2: they running somebody else's phone bill up too. So my
Speaker 2: point is, even in those situations, it makes me feel
Speaker 2: bad because I understand you want to be there for
Speaker 2: this man as a friend, right, if that's what you
Speaker 2: want to do, if you're able to separate that, what
Speaker 2: it's eight years of your life for maybe and not
Speaker 2: even a good maybe. This whole waiting thing to me,
Speaker 2: I just don't get. Don't get waiting if this person
Speaker 2: isn't ready when you are ready.
Speaker 1: You're not just talking about jail. You're talking about waiting
Speaker 1: for somebody in general.
Speaker 2: Is that right in.
Speaker 1: General for him to propose?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Okay, see now you're loading the deck. Okay, if
Speaker 2: you got it, to do. If you are twenty two
Speaker 2: and you got it to do, you want to wait
Speaker 2: a few years, you can wait a few years and
Speaker 2: still just be twenty six and you still good. But
Speaker 2: some of us, a lot of us is in the
Speaker 2: thirties and forties. That waiting stuff is some young people stuff.
Speaker 2: If certain things I'm not waiting for you to do,
Speaker 2: I'm not waiting for you to be ready. You should
Speaker 2: have been ready on our first date. That's where I'm
Speaker 2: at right now. You need to be ready from your
Speaker 2: finances together, this together. It's just where I'm at now.
Speaker 2: Other people may have different grace than me. But if
Speaker 2: I'm intentional about finding that marriage or finding that husband,
Speaker 2: I need you to be at least ready to do
Speaker 2: it now. Whether or not you know it's I'm your
Speaker 2: wife or I'm your husband, it's a different thing. But
Speaker 2: I need you to be actively searching for that. And
Speaker 2: I just don't believe somebody in jail, Okay, I just
Speaker 2: don't feel like at that moment they're actively ready because
Speaker 2: they have to call you and you have to press
Speaker 2: zero and accept the charges. Now. I don't know if
Speaker 2: a zero or not because I never had that, But
Speaker 2: you get what I'm saying I.
Speaker 1: Do, and let me just clean that up a little bit.
Speaker 1: We are not saying that the brothers who are doing
Speaker 1: UH in the vacation retreat center are not worthy or
Speaker 1: are not worth it. But I hear what he is saying.
Speaker 1: They're not ready. They're not ready. Even if you were
Speaker 1: his wife when he went in eight years, he may
Speaker 1: have never seen an iPad. He's not ready. And I
Speaker 1: think that to be loving and kind, you got to
Speaker 1: give people some time. Okay, rapid fire. He's got three
Speaker 1: babies mamas, and none of them are talking good thing,
Speaker 1: bad thing. None of them are talking to him. He's
Speaker 1: not in relationship with none of the babies mamas or
Speaker 1: the kids. Bad thing, good thing.
Speaker 2: Bad thing. When you said or the kids, that's a
Speaker 2: bad thing.
Speaker 1: You did a video that said his relationship with you
Speaker 1: will determine how he treats his kids. And a bitter
Speaker 1: baby daddy is a dead beat.
Speaker 2: Yeah, daddies are bitter baby daddies. I believe there are
Speaker 2: certain men who lack integrity a sense of responsibility that
Speaker 2: will predicate their relationships with the children based off of
Speaker 2: how they feel about you. And there are a lot
Speaker 2: of women that feel pressured. They feel pressured to keep
Speaker 2: access to their time, they body, and their energy with
Speaker 2: this man because they know if they take that away,
Speaker 2: he not gonna see the kid. And so my thing is, listen,
Speaker 2: I know it's both sides to a coin and all
Speaker 2: this different stuff. It's gonna be guys like, but you
Speaker 2: don't understand my baby mama, three of them though you
Speaker 2: got three terrible baby bomas. That's keeping you away from
Speaker 2: all three of your kids. Three. And then here's the thing,
Speaker 2: even if all that was true, woman, you gotta ask yourself,
Speaker 2: what about me? Because obviously he got to I for
Speaker 2: pick of bad women. So I'm because if one, two, three,
Speaker 2: what about me? Do I sit in that mold? I
Speaker 2: have to start questioning myself. So I just don't think
Speaker 2: it's a good idea to really date that guy in
Speaker 2: that situation.
Speaker 1: That is hysterical. Okay, he's living with his mama for
Speaker 1: the past three years after his divorce. Good thing, bad thing,
Speaker 1: bad thing. Okay, he is in the midst of a divorce.
Speaker 2: Good thing, bad thing, the dame then bad thing.
Speaker 1: I think so too. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't have a
Speaker 1: vision good thing, bad thing, bad thing because if he
Speaker 1: can't see where he's going. Where am I following him to?
Speaker 1: Where am I following him to? Another thing that you
Speaker 1: talked about, you said you how do you heal from
Speaker 1: a toxic relationship? You said, remember that it was toxic? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that is that's how you heal and that you
Speaker 1: got out of it and be grateful about that. But
Speaker 1: here this is in rapid fire. But in a relationship,
Speaker 1: how do you identify what do I want to say?
Speaker 1: I want to say, how do you identify toxic behavior?
Speaker 1: And not just how a person is or doesn't.
Speaker 2: Matter first, It's more importantly how you are feeling in
Speaker 2: this relationship. The reason why I say that is toxicity
Speaker 2: poison will affect you. Your body will tell you that
Speaker 2: this isn't healthy for me, because too often we try
Speaker 2: to get into judging that other partner, trying to label them. Now,
Speaker 2: people got the whole dictionary. The're gonna call them this,
Speaker 2: that and the other. But the point of the matter
Speaker 2: is how are you feeling inside? Is this draining to you?
Speaker 2: Do you feel more lonely now than you did when
Speaker 2: you was outside of this relationship? Do you feel like
Speaker 2: life is heavier now? And is this stress coming from
Speaker 2: this person? Or caused by this person, intentionally or not intentionally.
Speaker 2: Sometimes we got to understand a toxic person can also
Speaker 2: just be a toxic person for us. That person can
Speaker 2: be pretty good for everybody else, but for me, this
Speaker 2: is toxic and this is why I have to leave.
Speaker 2: So I say it just like listening to your body
Speaker 2: and paying attention to it, listening to your heart and
Speaker 2: pay not just your heart and your brain and paying
Speaker 2: attention to it.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this. Brain Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: I think it's this thing Ason, I know we're going
Speaker 1: to get out of here in a minute. I think
Speaker 1: it's the thing where you said in one of your shows,
Speaker 1: certain men can't handle you, but there are others you can.
Speaker 1: And I think for us as women, off of women,
Speaker 1: I always put myself in it. Although I'm not looking
Speaker 1: for anything right now. It's this thing that we just
Speaker 1: want to be chosen. We just want to be the
Speaker 1: one Daddy didn't choose us, we didn't get to go
Speaker 1: to the prom, or even if we did, ether side
Speaker 1: Eye and somebody else. We just want to be chosen
Speaker 1: from that place. I just want to be chosen from
Speaker 1: that place of I do I have to dumb myself
Speaker 1: down to get Somebody tell me the three major mistakes
Speaker 1: you think women, young women are making, particularly young women.
Speaker 1: What are the three major mistakes women are making when
Speaker 1: it comes to dating a partner. What are we doing?
Speaker 2: Not getting out of the house, getting out of the house.
Speaker 2: I know it's scary outside. I know outside, ace, oh, outside,
Speaker 2: we have to get out the house. That real. That
Speaker 2: is the biggest thing. Because you're not gonna get your
Speaker 2: man off of Amazon. I looked it up yesterday. You
Speaker 2: cannot find tall, dark and handsome men on Amazon. They
Speaker 2: do not deliver these men. And so what happens is
Speaker 2: because we're not getting out trying new places, meeting new people,
Speaker 2: going to new countries. If you got it to do.
Speaker 2: If we're doing the same church, we're doing the same gym,
Speaker 2: we're doing the same job, the same hangout spot, were
Speaker 2: meeting the same three dudes. And so what it does
Speaker 2: is it gives you this even over exaggerated perception that
Speaker 2: there's no one out there, and it as to your
Speaker 2: skel shitty mindset. I would just encourage people to get
Speaker 2: out the house, even if it's just for you because
Speaker 2: along you following your path and your purpose, you being social,
Speaker 2: You're doing things the tend to your mental health. You're
Speaker 2: taking these trips, you might stumble across this person. So
Speaker 2: that's my first thing is I think most people are
Speaker 2: not actively dating. The reason why I say that is
Speaker 2: we be giving dating, are scrapped left over time and
Speaker 2: then we be expecting a whole husband like full results
Speaker 2: and nothing else in life work that way. So that's
Speaker 2: the first thing. The second thing is, I don't believe
Speaker 2: people have a I can't find the mister right problem.
Speaker 2: I think they have a eye hold on to the
Speaker 2: mister wrong problem. I think we are holding on to
Speaker 2: missus and mister wrong for far too long. It is
Speaker 2: about letting go. Listen, I understand somebody may have tricked you,
Speaker 2: but as soon as they take that mask off, you
Speaker 2: gotta dip. As soon as you see something that you
Speaker 2: know violates your deal breaker, you gotta dip. And when
Speaker 2: you are giving that extra person three or four months,
Speaker 2: any times that by three or four guys, you done
Speaker 2: gave a year, two years more of your life that
Speaker 2: you could have been available for your mister right. And
Speaker 2: then the third thing is and it's going the most,
Speaker 2: I guess the most. This is the most important thing.
Speaker 2: Date when your self confidence is high. And I know
Speaker 2: a lot of people are going to fight back on that,
Speaker 2: but I really mean you get the better results when
Speaker 2: you are If you are dating when you are broken.
Speaker 2: You know you are broken right now. You not really
Speaker 2: feeling yourself and I get it. You are looking for
Speaker 2: your night and shining armor here. You are looking for
Speaker 2: that guy to do that. Guess who also go after
Speaker 2: wounded things, vultures. Your unhealed nature will attract people that's
Speaker 2: looking to take advantage of you. I want people to
Speaker 2: understand that. I get it. But there are resources, people,
Speaker 2: places that can help you get to a functioning level
Speaker 2: vote sufficient enough for your self confidence to be a
Speaker 2: protection during dating. Date when you feel like you are
Speaker 2: a prize not just a participation trophy. All right?
Speaker 1: Is lovely? Date when you feel like you are a
Speaker 1: prize not a participation trophy. Let me ask you this.
Speaker 1: This is just for me. I'm old.
Speaker 2: Define dating dating Okay, it's a lot of different terms.
Speaker 2: You got to follow me here, Okay, Because in twenty
Speaker 2: twenty three, you got vibing, kicking it, linking, chilling, yeah,
Speaker 2: hooking up. You got all these yeah dating, and I
Speaker 2: want to put a I want to put a qualifier.
Speaker 2: Intentional dating, not recreational dating, not experimental dating. Intentional dating
Speaker 2: is when we are actively looking for a partner, and
Speaker 2: I think it's up to us to define what type
Speaker 2: of dating this person is doing. Make sure we got
Speaker 2: the same definitions. Because you can say you're dating, they
Speaker 2: can say you're I'm dating. But a lot of people
Speaker 2: are experimental dating, are recreational dating, and here you are
Speaker 2: linking yourself. You're intentionally dating, looking for somebody to be
Speaker 2: a husband or wife, But they're recreational dating. They're just
Speaker 2: trying to get out the house and have fun. So
Speaker 2: we just need to make sure our definitions match up.
Speaker 2: It's too many terms and terminologies, So ask people plainly, Hey,
Speaker 2: what are you dating for? Okay, and then I'm gonna
Speaker 2: tell you this. Let me tell you this an intentional man.
Speaker 2: Now the lady's gonna ask me where do I find this? Man?
Speaker 2: I don't know. If I do this, I'd be a
Speaker 2: billionaire if I knew where to find these me and that. Ooh,
Speaker 2: but intentional man, when you ask him, yo, what are
Speaker 2: you looking for?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: Are you dating? What's your intentions through dat? And they're
Speaker 2: gonna tell you, hey, listen, I'm ready, I'm ready. That's
Speaker 2: why you asked me all those rapid fire questions. I
Speaker 2: was saying, bad thing is because I want a man
Speaker 2: to be ready in his own lane wherever he feels
Speaker 2: like ready means for him. Because when you now daty,
Speaker 2: you may be thirty three at that point, you may
Speaker 2: be thirty four, whatever time, thirty five, where you wherever,
Speaker 2: however long it took you to get there. When somebody
Speaker 2: asks you that, or when you ask that man, you're
Speaker 2: not running, he not running from you. He gonna be like, hey, listen,
Speaker 2: I'm looking for a wife. I'm looking for something serious.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. I'm looking for somebody I
Speaker 2: could deal with, you know what I mean. And he's
Speaker 2: not gonna run away from that. And the guys that do,
Speaker 2: you didn't need them in your life in the first
Speaker 2: place anyway.
Speaker 1: All right, So those are the three things that women
Speaker 1: need to do. Get out of the house, dake, when
Speaker 1: your confidence is high. And what was the other one
Speaker 1: you said, when your confidence is high?
Speaker 2: You asked me too fast? It was something like that, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: you gotta g.
Speaker 1: So now here's my other. I want you to give
Speaker 1: me three things for this. Okay, this is a big question,
Speaker 1: and I know you were talking general, but it's going
Speaker 1: on with you.
Speaker 2: People can be I'm gonna be completely honest with you.
Speaker 2: These men are satisfied. Satisfied people rarely change. Men are
Speaker 2: more satisfied and fulfilled in the current state of dating.
Speaker 2: So what would motivate them to change and be better?
Speaker 2: So it's just it's a sad truth, but it's to
Speaker 2: I don't have to be better. I can mess up
Speaker 2: here and another woman will still pick me. One of
Speaker 2: your clips, which is that I see often is when
Speaker 2: I guess on your show you had like it was
Speaker 2: like ten guys, but they had like eighty hundred kids
Speaker 2: between them.
Speaker 1: As one he had thirty seven children.
Speaker 2: And so my point is even and he might be
Speaker 2: a great guy, but just follow me here. Now I'm
Speaker 2: not gonna use him. But even in that situation, a
Speaker 2: woman will still pick that man. A woman will still
Speaker 2: be chosen by that man. And the problem with men
Speaker 2: is that women still will pick be will still deal
Speaker 2: with us. So there's no So now it makes you lazy,
Speaker 2: it makes you comfortable. It doesn't make you try harder
Speaker 2: and be better because you can be exactly who you
Speaker 2: are falls in awe and some women will deal with you.
Speaker 2: And so that is our problem. So now when you
Speaker 2: talk about men not really embracing improving and being more
Speaker 2: emotionally available for women in twenty twenty three, because again
Speaker 2: we talked about finances are not enough to impress no more.
Speaker 2: Oh there's a woman right here that is still just
Speaker 2: take me as I am. So I'm gonna just deal
Speaker 2: with her instead of dealing with a woman I may
Speaker 2: actually want, but this makes me work for it, so
Speaker 2: I'd rather the easy thing. So I think that is
Speaker 2: the major problem with a large portion of men, is
Speaker 2: that now for the men that are together, I think
Speaker 2: we still haven't balance what relationships look like. I can
Speaker 2: speak for myself. Let me not just speak for myself
Speaker 2: because I don't have children yet. But there are men
Speaker 2: that still have that traditional mind mindset but don't realize
Speaker 2: that they have to now be more than just their pocketbooks.
Speaker 2: Now it's time to be in our child's lives. It's
Speaker 2: not just paying for the daycare, it's not just paying
Speaker 2: for things. In Disappearance sixty seventy eighty hours a week.
Speaker 2: Are you actively involved? There? Are you doing? We need
Speaker 2: to do so? I think it's too pronged. It's we can't.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna say this nicely. Women are not going to
Speaker 2: force us to be better. We have to want to
Speaker 2: be better for ourselves.
Speaker 1: There must be consequences for bad behavior. You can't just
Speaker 1: continue to accept and accept and think it's going to change.
Speaker 1: What a sustaining to us is. There's no incentive to change.
Speaker 1: And women think of it in terms of lowering their standards,
Speaker 1: and I think that in terms of setting the water
Speaker 1: level to even expect a man to be at a
Speaker 1: certain level for himself. A man who doesn't have a vision,
Speaker 1: in a sense of purpose is not going to get
Speaker 1: one for you if he doesn't have one for himself.
Speaker 1: I want him to have a purpose, a vision, what
Speaker 1: he loves, what he doesn't love, what he won't do.
Speaker 1: It's got to have a certain moral compass, a moral compass,
Speaker 1: all right. So that's what's wrong with men. They're satisfying.
Speaker 2: Can I just add one more thing. It's gonna take
Speaker 2: five seconds.
Speaker 1: Oh take as much time as you like.
Speaker 2: We have to do better as men. Going back in
Speaker 2: our community and being there for those boys that don't
Speaker 2: have fathers. It can't just be that's not our problem,
Speaker 2: Like we be calling ourselves leaders and men want to
Speaker 2: be leaders so much, but are you getting back in
Speaker 2: that community and are you investing in sharing these young
Speaker 2: boys with men or how you define masculinity or what
Speaker 2: leaders or protectors look like are helping out? And that's
Speaker 2: what's not happening. And I just would encourage, and I
Speaker 2: wish we could have a meeting, right, I wish we
Speaker 2: could have a get all guys together. We have a
Speaker 2: big meet and we talk about it. But in the meeting,
Speaker 2: we need to do that, man, because I feel like
Speaker 2: those of us who are responsible, those of us that
Speaker 2: does have standards and morals and know how, and we
Speaker 2: gotta be we got to pass that on in the
Speaker 2: absence of some of the brothers that ain't stepping up.
Speaker 1: And I know a lot of brothers are doing it.
Speaker 1: I want to talk to the ones that are leaving
Speaker 1: and remain absent and leave with women who don't have
Speaker 1: what those boys needs. What do you have to say
Speaker 1: to them?
Speaker 2: Man, the thief, you're right, Like, you're right, It's just
Speaker 2: there's no consequence. Single mom leave the kid undertended for
Speaker 2: forty eight hours, she go to jail. Dad lead a
Speaker 2: kid unattended for eighteen years. Nothing happens. That's right, because
Speaker 2: there's no real consequence. And then here's the thing. You
Speaker 2: can say, child supporter is a consequence, but you make
Speaker 2: it out cheaper. You actually make it out cheaper. So
Speaker 2: because I know I wish there was, here's what needs
Speaker 2: to happen, and I do it myself. If you not
Speaker 2: taking care of your kids, you can't come hang with me.
Speaker 2: You just can't. You can't be in my circle at all.
Speaker 2: You can't be in my circle you're not taking care
Speaker 2: of your kids.
Speaker 1: Brothers have to call brothers on that.
Speaker 2: We have to change it. We can't expect because we
Speaker 2: can't expect women to solve a man issue. We ourselves
Speaker 2: because I'm gonna tell you this, and I don't care
Speaker 2: when nobody else think me and care about how other
Speaker 2: men view them. They do even more so sometimes and
Speaker 2: the women they with. If we step up and say, yo,
Speaker 2: we ain't messing with you, with you, if you ain't
Speaker 2: doing this, if blah blah blah, then that will inspire change.
Speaker 2: But you leaving that single man thinking you're gonna change
Speaker 2: him when a thousand other women a daity is not
Speaker 2: gonna help. So I think we have to do a
Speaker 2: better job. And I also want to say this before
Speaker 2: you let me go. This was a complete honor of
Speaker 2: mine to be here. I was actually shocked that your
Speaker 2: team reached out and it just you got to understand
Speaker 2: this is a pretty big deal. I might get off
Speaker 2: here and cry on my couch because I'm feel like this,
Speaker 2: because this is really a really cool thing. So I
Speaker 2: just want to thank you for this opportunity to come
Speaker 2: on here and speak to you.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. I as an elder, I
Speaker 1: think it is my responsibility to be in touch with,
Speaker 1: to stay in touch with, to be on top of
Speaker 1: the youngins. So if I had never spoken to you,
Speaker 1: I see you doing something good. My responsibility is to
Speaker 1: pray for you. There's so many of you, and particularly
Speaker 1: young men, and as a great grandma, I've got to
Speaker 1: cover you because I know the society doesn't and I
Speaker 1: know you have your struggles and your challenges, and I've
Speaker 1: got a son and a grandson and a great grandson.
Speaker 1: It tickles me. I love you all. You got a
Speaker 1: grandmother praying for you. Appreciate it, our spot family. I
Speaker 1: wish to give some snaps to Ace metaphor and thank
Speaker 1: him for being with us today, and just continue to
Speaker 1: do your work. If you're out there listening, and listen
Speaker 1: before you get into your opinions and your upset so
Speaker 1: you do agree or disagree, go back, listen to this,
Speaker 1: hear what you need to hear for you and how
Speaker 1: you can implement it, because so very often we get
Speaker 1: so into our opinions and our agreements and disagreements that
Speaker 1: the truth just passes over our head. Go back and
Speaker 1: to the elder you midwives in forty, at fifty, at sixty,
Speaker 1: you midwives ushering younger women in Hear what this young
Speaker 1: man said today and share it with the young women
Speaker 1: in your world. And I will see you next time.
Speaker 1: In the meantime, stay in peace, not in pieces. The
Speaker 1: r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.