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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't know to

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Speaker 1: stuff I've never told you protection I heart radio, so

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Speaker 1: I think we've talked about this before, Samantha. But I

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Speaker 1: remind me, are you somebody who does a lot of like, um,

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Speaker 1: like couple speak are nicknames? Do you have those like

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Speaker 1: kind of epithets? I don't know if epithets is the

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Speaker 1: word I got you, so typically no, I am. You know,

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Speaker 1: to the point that some of our listeners are like,

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Speaker 1: I think you're a romantic. I'm like, okay, I can

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Speaker 1: see why you think that. Um, But recently, when I'm joking,

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Speaker 1: it has now become a habit. Like I used to

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Speaker 1: joke about it all the time, but now I affectionately

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Speaker 1: call people boo. So it's not me being like condescending

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Speaker 1: and I'll just jokey joky, like I really am calling

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Speaker 1: you boo. I have started calling my partner babe, and

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Speaker 1: I swore to myself I never would, but it became

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Speaker 1: a habit, being like really silly and trying to be

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Speaker 1: like ha, this is thing. And then I said that

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Speaker 1: if I ever had a pet name, it would always

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Speaker 1: be like but muffin or something like that. Real silly,

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Speaker 1: uh and not not obviously not real, but it's kind

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Speaker 1: of become a habit that I called I call them babe,

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Speaker 1: and I have never heard them reciprocate thinking about it,

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Speaker 1: But for me, it's just it's a new thing too,

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Speaker 1: like the last month or so. And I'm not really

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Speaker 1: sure why. How interesting, Huh, you're pretty good. You gave

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Speaker 1: her last producer super producer Andrew a pretty amazing Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I still call him that, and he knows that

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Speaker 1: I still call him that. I will scream it across

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Speaker 1: offices if I see him across the room. I also

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Speaker 1: I do do that for my dog too. Yeah, yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: I have this, this so I mean this. This classic

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Speaker 1: episode we're bringing back is mostly focusing on like relationships,

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Speaker 1: I don't off the top of my head, I don't

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Speaker 1: think I've ever had a relationship where we really called

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Speaker 1: each other any of those kinds of names. My most

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Speaker 1: recent X would frequently call me goofball in a very

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Speaker 1: affectionate way. It felt very affectionate anyway, but it wasn't

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Speaker 1: kind of like, I don't know the same thing. I

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Speaker 1: don't think I have gathered a lot of nicknames over

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Speaker 1: my life, and recently as we've discussed, I've been talking

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Speaker 1: to myself more and sometimes I will catch myself, like,

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Speaker 1: if I'm getting really down on myself, I'll say something

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Speaker 1: like stop at baby, or like I'm I'm calling myself

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Speaker 1: the names being all you're talking down to yourself. Well,

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Speaker 1: I'll get upset and then I'll try to say something

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Speaker 1: like stop at baby or like sweetheart. Sometimes I'll say

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Speaker 1: or darlin. Um. I do have a friend who calls

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Speaker 1: me darling and sweetheart a lot, but I have started

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Speaker 1: doing that recently. I think it's because of the massive

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Speaker 1: influx of fan fiction I have been reading though, where

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Speaker 1: those names are very prominent. Um. I even caught myself

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Speaker 1: using Syrika, which is Mandalorian Mandela the other day and

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, wow, have you become yes?

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Speaker 1: But I did. Well. I wanted to bring this classic

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Speaker 1: BacT because, as we said, it's kind of cuffing season

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Speaker 1: and I've been telling people about all these dating terms.

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Speaker 1: I found like at the end of the year, they

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Speaker 1: were like here the dating terms, they're gonna defined two

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Speaker 1: And it was things like, well, was it anticipation, which

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Speaker 1: is what you don't know what to do? Like social

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Speaker 1: just stigmas out with your hands, um, while dating, and

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Speaker 1: then hesitating, which is like going back and forth whether

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Speaker 1: you want to date at all. So anyway, yeah, hesitating.

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Speaker 1: Just one to bring back this classic on a couple

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Speaker 1: speak Welcome to Stuff Mom Never told you. From House

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Speaker 1: top Works dot com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: I'm Christen and I'm Caroline and Caroline. First of all,

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Speaker 1: I almost forgot my name then when I was introducing myself.

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Speaker 1: It's a danger. Yeah, it's a little disconcerting, um, but

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Speaker 1: coming up with a title for this episode was almost well,

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Speaker 1: actually only slightly more challenging than remembering my own name. Really, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because what do you what are we talking about? Talking

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Speaker 1: about relationships speak? Couple talk? Maybe you could call it

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Speaker 1: pillow talk, but pillow talk is usually referring to post

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Speaker 1: coital chitch or just being in places with pillows. Then

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Speaker 1: there's baby talk, but then there's a difference between whether

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Speaker 1: your baby talking to a baby or to your romantic baby,

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Speaker 1: your significant other romantic bay. And there are pet names,

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Speaker 1: but that's a completely separate category of this conversation. I

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Speaker 1: would think that it would fall under couple speak exactly.

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Speaker 1: A couple speak umbrella um, So, do you have any

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Speaker 1: any catchy term for this? Um No, absolutely not. I

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Speaker 1: would just say that it's a couple of language that

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Speaker 1: it's it's the weird like coded language that you use

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Speaker 1: with your your special person, your special someone sexy, babbel sexy. Well,

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Speaker 1: it's not always sexy. Sometimes it's adorable adora speak. Oh,

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Speaker 1: it's rarely sexy for people who are hearing you who

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Speaker 1: are not in the couple, it's usually more along the

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Speaker 1: lines of of nauseating and cringeing dow things. Oh. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I I think it is whenever I overhear it.

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Speaker 1: I mean, my boyfriend and I definitely have ways that

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Speaker 1: we beat to each other that we don't speak to

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Speaker 1: other people. Thank God, I would hope not. Uh, but

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Speaker 1: I definitely don't want other people to overhear that necessarily.

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Speaker 1: And it's funny. When I told my boyfriend that we

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Speaker 1: were talking about relationship speak, couple speak, pet names and

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Speaker 1: stuff like that this week, he looked at me with

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Speaker 1: this mix of horror and also excitement, which is a

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Speaker 1: really unique facial expression. I recommend trying to elicit that

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Speaker 1: from from friends and loved ones if you have the opportunity. Uh,

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Speaker 1: He's like, you're not going to tell them how we

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Speaker 1: talk to each other, what we call each other? Are you? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: You are? I am? Well, what is it dish? I mean,

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Speaker 1: do you do to have special words or codes that

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Speaker 1: are safe for our listeners? Of course and for me? What? Really? Honestly, listeners,

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Speaker 1: I love you, but really I don't know if I

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Speaker 1: want the t M. I well, yeah, I'm just gonna

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Speaker 1: go ahead and dive in. And I don't think he's

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Speaker 1: going to listen to this episode because I think he

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Speaker 1: is already like preemptively horrified that I might talk about it.

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Speaker 1: But uh, okay, I guess I should preface this by

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Speaker 1: saying things. We don't call each other, so we don't

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Speaker 1: say boo or bay. He is like strongly opposed to

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Speaker 1: using the term boo. Okay, so far we are totally opposites. Continue, Well, no,

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Speaker 1: I did date a guy right after college and we

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Speaker 1: called each other boo. But that's the only person that

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Speaker 1: I've ever done that with. But he was also a ghost. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was real awkward when you tried to snuggle. But

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Speaker 1: now my boyfriend and I call each other either. We

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Speaker 1: just refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Like, hey,

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Speaker 1: boyfriend came here, or we call each other listeners. Can

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Speaker 1: you feel me blushing? We call each other boyfriend dog

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Speaker 1: and girlfriend dog because early on in our relationship he

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Speaker 1: like jumped on the couch when I was using my

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Speaker 1: laptop and I was like, god, you're like a big

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Speaker 1: puppy sometime and he said, yeah, like I'm a I'm

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Speaker 1: a boyfriend dog. So that became a thing. How does

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Speaker 1: it feel publicizing this information, Caroline, I don't know how

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Speaker 1: red am I right now? You're a pretty solid shade

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Speaker 1: of pink. Maybe it's just warm in here. Well, listen,

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Speaker 1: I am in the opposite camp. My fiance and I

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Speaker 1: are all about some boo and babe, and to the

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Speaker 1: point that our friends will sometimes make fun of us

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Speaker 1: when we're all hanging out and intentionally be like, oh hi, babe,

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Speaker 1: bi yeah, And I don't care because that is just

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Speaker 1: how we talked to each other. And in terms of

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Speaker 1: like couples speak, we don't necessarily have like a cute

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Speaker 1: see language aside from me feeling at liberty to abbreviate

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Speaker 1: words as often as possible because it is one of

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Speaker 1: my favorite things to do when I'm just at home,

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Speaker 1: chit chat, not on the mic, you know. Uh, but

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Speaker 1: our couple speak is more of a shared humor brain.

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Speaker 1: So it's the thing of making the exact same joke

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Speaker 1: at the same time. Although sometimes I get a little

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Speaker 1: competitive and I'll make the joke first and then he'll

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Speaker 1: come in to split second after me, and I'm like, yes,

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Speaker 1: I made the joke first. Yeah. No, My boyfriend and

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Speaker 1: I do that all the time. We will frequently make

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Speaker 1: the same joke around the same time. We will like

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Speaker 1: be picking up the fan to text each other at

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Speaker 1: the same time. So we do have like a two

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Speaker 1: person hive brain. Um. But I'm imagining you only know

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Speaker 1: that because you're saying next to each other when that

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Speaker 1: happens all the time. He's actually here right now, he's

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Speaker 1: under the table. Sorry, sorry, Um. No, we we do

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Speaker 1: have We don't use baby talk because to me, I

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Speaker 1: find that nauseating. Uh, no judgment, um, But we do

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Speaker 1: have like a certain type of voice that we use

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Speaker 1: with each other sometimes when we're trying to be playful.

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Speaker 1: Not it's not an all the time thing, but when

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Speaker 1: we're trying to be more play full and cute with

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Speaker 1: each other, we do have a voice we use. I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to repeat it on the podcast. Sorry, I've

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Speaker 1: noticed my phone voice changes, especially on the telephone call

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Speaker 1: on the way home from work. Um, it goes up.

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Speaker 1: It's a little bit softer. It's the closest I get

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Speaker 1: to a baby boys. Also, though it is the same

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Speaker 1: voice I use if I'm at a restaurant and I

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Speaker 1: have to like send something back and I'm really nervous

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Speaker 1: about it, you know, it's that like hyper feminized t voice. Uh.

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Speaker 1: Not that I am like similarly nervous of how my

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Speaker 1: fiance will respond to me if I need something. Um,

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Speaker 1: But it is interesting to think about, you know, this

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Speaker 1: this common couple language that is unique to all couples.

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Speaker 1: But there's that common pattern of love and sex influencing

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Speaker 1: how we talk and the way we modulate our voices

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Speaker 1: and the words that we suddenly make up. Well, love

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Speaker 1: and sex. Yeah, but I mean, I think intimacy in general,

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Speaker 1: because you can develop languages with other intimate people in

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Speaker 1: your life, other significant others who aren't your boo, maybe

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Speaker 1: your best friend. You and your best friend have nicknames

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Speaker 1: for each other. Are ways that you speak to each other,

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Speaker 1: whether that's tone or just a sort of vocabulary that

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Speaker 1: maybe you don't use with other people because either you've

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Speaker 1: known this person for so long, or maybe your new

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Speaker 1: friends and you've developed a really strong bond suddenly, and

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Speaker 1: so you just speak to each other in a different

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Speaker 1: way than you speak with other people. Yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: it's true. My best friend and I exclusively speech German

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Speaker 1: through each other. No, it's true. With my one of

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Speaker 1: my best friends, we have a specific text speak that

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Speaker 1: we use um intentional misspellings of words that I really

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Speaker 1: only send to her, and it's our way of expressing

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Speaker 1: affection to each other. Like if I say I miss

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Speaker 1: you so much, I'm gonna spell so s e wwwwwww,

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Speaker 1: it just means something different. So it's bonding. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean that. And it happens when you spend a lot

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Speaker 1: of time with someone and it's this. It's an actual

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Speaker 1: literal thing, and it's called phonetic convergence. It's basically, when

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Speaker 1: you're spending time with people, whether it is an intimate

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Speaker 1: partner or a best friend or even work colleagues that

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Speaker 1: you're spending a lot of time with, you can start

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Speaker 1: to mimic the way that the other person speaks, particularly

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Speaker 1: if you like both the person and what they're saying,

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Speaker 1: and this can involve accent changes or even the use

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Speaker 1: of different dialects. I wonder too if it extends into

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Speaker 1: gestures and body language at all. Yeah, that is what

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Speaker 1: researcher Elaine Hatfield called emotional contagion. The sort of encompasses, Well,

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Speaker 1: we're the ideas that we're already familiar with of mimicking

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Speaker 1: some on body language, their facial expressions, and it's part

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Speaker 1: of catching their emotion, whether that's anxiety, joy, whatever. I mean,

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Speaker 1: how often has this happened to you, where like someone

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Speaker 1: is like in a really bad mood or in a

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Speaker 1: really great mood, and you kind of catch it and

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Speaker 1: start mimicking, and you even feel it within you, like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel a little more anxious because this

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Speaker 1: person is anxious or whatever the case. Maybe, and studies

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Speaker 1: have shown that the longer people are speaking with each other,

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Speaker 1: the more they'll match speaking rate, frequency, and vocal intensity,

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Speaker 1: which a're just imagining two people gradually yelling at each other.

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Speaker 1: That happens. So I feel like I've been in that conversation.

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Speaker 1: All the booze might have been involved booze like drinking booze?

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Speaker 1: Or are multiple boyfriends? Good question? And I mean the alcohol. Um.

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Speaker 1: And also this exclusivity develops the longer that you kind

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Speaker 1: of develop that conversational rapport with a person. This is

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Speaker 1: probably why we can't have long, extended, in depth conversations

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Speaker 1: with good friends of ours if you're in a noisy bar,

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Speaker 1: for instance. Um and then finally says it found that

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Speaker 1: you will align description schemes and sentence structures where such

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Speaker 1: robots in a way, we're adorable, meaty, squishy robots who

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Speaker 1: can't help but mimic other people's speech, but also their

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Speaker 1: posture and body language and facial expressions, all that good stuff.

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Speaker 1: So why what is going on? Uh? There was a

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Speaker 1: study in October from Language Variation and Change, that's a journal. Uh.

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Speaker 1: They found that the degree of vocal change when we're

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Speaker 1: talking to someone can be related to how much you

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Speaker 1: agree with the person. So they did this study where

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Speaker 1: participants listened to a politically charged diet tribe and then

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Speaker 1: had to describe a cartoon. And I think the cartoon

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Speaker 1: was of it was like a nun giving a banana

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Speaker 1: to a monk or something. No, it was a waitress

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Speaker 1: giving a banana to a monk, which is like, really

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Speaker 1: weird and absurd, But they just had the person describe

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Speaker 1: that strange cartoon. And researchers found that when the participants

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Speaker 1: agreed with the political rant that they had heard and

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Speaker 1: with the ideology in it, and when they seem to

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Speaker 1: respect the person speaking and their ideas, their syntax in

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Speaker 1: describing the cartoon matched the political ranters syntax. When they

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Speaker 1: didn't agree with the person, didn't respect their ideas, didn't

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Speaker 1: respect what they were saying, there wasn't much of a

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Speaker 1: language match, if at all. So in short, basically aligning

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Speaker 1: your speech patterns with the person you're talking to facilitates

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Speaker 1: communication and understanding. It's our way of being like, hey,

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Speaker 1: we're on the same team. I like you, I respect you.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to start to morph, even unconsciously. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to start to morph the way that I speak so

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Speaker 1: that you can understand me even better. So the way

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Speaker 1: we think about the person across from us moderates how

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Speaker 1: we talked to them. Eventually, yeah, um, and we see

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Speaker 1: variations among basically any group. I mean, twins Speak is

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Speaker 1: probably the best known among these. Twin Speak is officially

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Speaker 1: called crypto pH asa ps um, And it's because twins

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Speaker 1: spend a lot of time together and are on the

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Speaker 1: same developmental trajectory, and they have that intimacy level that

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Speaker 1: reinforces each other's speech patterns and inventions. And also, of

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Speaker 1: course twins share that same mind, twin mind. They don't

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Speaker 1: actually have twin mind, but I have twin nephews, and

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Speaker 1: I have seen this happen because they're also identical, and

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Speaker 1: when they get going making jokes, going on these tangents,

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Speaker 1: it's incredible how they just build on one another. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and cryptophasa also doesn't just relate to twins speaking similarly

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Speaker 1: or kind of developing a language. It refers specifically to

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Speaker 1: like almost speech that's detrimental to the pair of twins,

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Speaker 1: because perhaps there's a mispronunciation or a speech impediment that

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Speaker 1: leads to this false language. For for for so long,

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Speaker 1: people have been fascinated by twins, like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: they're developing their own language, when really it's it's less

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Speaker 1: developing their own language because they might not even understand

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Speaker 1: it as babies or toddlers or whatever, but they're just

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Speaker 1: trying to mimic each other and communicate with each other

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Speaker 1: on the same wavelength and crypto pH asia as opposed

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Speaker 1: to just like regular happy badly twins speak is often

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Speaker 1: times something that has to get you have to get

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Speaker 1: a speech therapist involved to try to like move the

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Speaker 1: kids on from using their own secret language. So when

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Speaker 1: we think colloquially of twins speak, it's really just siblings

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Speaker 1: speak or friends speak. It's anyone who hangs out and

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Speaker 1: likes each other enough, yeah, anyone enough times. Yeah, anyone

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Speaker 1: who spends like a super huge amount of dedicated intimate

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Speaker 1: time together that they developed the same sort of language

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Speaker 1: that maybe others don't even know what you're talking about,

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Speaker 1: such as roommates. There was a study in January twelve

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Speaker 1: and the Journal of Phonetics which looked at four sets

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Speaker 1: of male roommates and found phonetic convergence was related to

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Speaker 1: the roommates closeness and relationship quality. In Caroline. Now, I

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Speaker 1: have to ask me, did you endude roommate ended up

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Speaker 1: twin speaking a lot of times? Yeah, dude roommate and

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Speaker 1: I we definitely have our own like shorthand language with

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Speaker 1: each other because we've known each other since I mean,

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Speaker 1: we were roommates in college. We've known each other since

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Speaker 1: we were but college babies, um, and then we lived

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Speaker 1: together as adults too after after many years apart. But

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Speaker 1: we've definitely had a really strong friendship over the years,

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Speaker 1: and the way we speak to each other, even if

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Speaker 1: we're not using like weird words, we still have a

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Speaker 1: tone and a rapport with each other that's unique to

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Speaker 1: our relationship versus other people. But yeah, the study was

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Speaker 1: interesting because the they were looking specifically at sets of

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Speaker 1: roommates who didn't know each other before, so it wasn't

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Speaker 1: like they were friends and they'd already maybe developed a rapport.

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Speaker 1: They specifically wanted to look at the trajectory of like,

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Speaker 1: as these guys get to know each other and spend

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Speaker 1: a ton of unavoidable time together, what happens? And so

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Speaker 1: they found that the guys who had the stronger, better,

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Speaker 1: more positive relationship ended up unconsciously mimicking each other's speech patterns. So,

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Speaker 1: in the context of romantic relationships, then let's peel back

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Speaker 1: some more layers as to why it happens. Aside from

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Speaker 1: this clearly like neurological pattern of us mirroring each other,

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Speaker 1: I bet some mirror neurons are involved in this whole thing. Um,

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Speaker 1: But if we look at these emotionally intimate relationships, that

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Speaker 1: kind of couple language couples speak develops alongside the vulnerability

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Speaker 1: that comes with being in most you know, long term

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Speaker 1: romantic relationships. I mean, you have the most childlike parts

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Speaker 1: of yourself on display, hopefully not all the time, but

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Speaker 1: from time to time. And Bustle UH had a pretty

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Speaker 1: in depth piece on this and talk to your relationship

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Speaker 1: expert Wendy Walsh about it, who said, keep in mind,

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Speaker 1: a relationship is an exchange of care. Yes, And as

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Speaker 1: Elizabeth in the Catapult said, I don't know if anybody

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Speaker 1: else ever listened to that band they have that song

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Speaker 1: called We're All just taller children. It's true, you know.

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Speaker 1: And and this, the intimacy with your partner can really reveal,

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Speaker 1: like we said, those childlike parts of yourself that just

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Speaker 1: want to be taken care of. And so in this

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Speaker 1: article and Bustle they were talking about how as intimacy deepens,

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Speaker 1: you tend to move away from real life language, and

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Speaker 1: part of this is abbreviating or shortening words. Kristen Uh

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Speaker 1: for instance, using hunt instead of honey like you did

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Speaker 1: when you roe, but a wee baby Oh. I always

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Speaker 1: called my mom hun, could you get me a bottle?

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Speaker 1: I'm so thirsty. But also like your parents did with you,

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Speaker 1: they probably had little nicknames for you too, and so

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Speaker 1: you know, it was always developing. Child girls just used

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Speaker 1: your first your whole, your whole name, your whole full

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Speaker 1: Christian name. Names just didn't make it even more formal.

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Speaker 1: But research has actually shown that the use of baby

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Speaker 1: talk tends to be used less and less as time

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Speaker 1: goes on. It tends to be used early because it's

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Speaker 1: another way of developing and strengthening a bond. And that's

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Speaker 1: coming from the Kinsey Institute who did a bunch of

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Speaker 1: research into couple language. And it really comes out of

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Speaker 1: this whole i don't know what to call it, pattern

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Speaker 1: that was established with your parents. Generally, like if you

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Speaker 1: had a loving, safe relationship with your parents, that's the

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Speaker 1: last time you experience in these overwhelming feelings of love

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Speaker 1: and care and safety. And so that's where are use

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Speaker 1: of nicknames and pet names and and baby talk comes from.

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Speaker 1: And if going back again to the context of dating

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Speaker 1: relationships or marital relationships, if we pull in that physical

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Speaker 1: intimacy as well, that of course will involve some neurotransmitters

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Speaker 1: and neurochemicals being released in our brains, such as dopamine

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Speaker 1: and oxytose, and these things that make us feel good

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Speaker 1: make us feel bonded to the other person. So you know,

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Speaker 1: you you're just getting this three sixty recipe for intimacy

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Speaker 1: and closeness, and that is stripping away self censoring that

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Speaker 1: we would normally do, or in my case, using entire

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Speaker 1: words rather than just half of war. And it's really

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Speaker 1: a cycle. I mean, using this type of language with

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Speaker 1: our partners d binds the bond and creates a unique

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Speaker 1: shared identity, which then leads to creating more unique language

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Speaker 1: and more bonding. So it never stops. You're never getting

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Speaker 1: out of it. You're always going to talk like this

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Speaker 1: with your partner. Get used to it until you don't,

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Speaker 1: which will hit on in the second half of the podcast.

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Speaker 1: But researchers have talked about how it really reflects that

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Speaker 1: need to represent how special our attachment is, yes to

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Speaker 1: to outsiders and friends and whoever, but really to each other.

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Speaker 1: And that's something that Ian Kerner, who's a sex counselor,

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Speaker 1: told Bustle for that same article that Kristen mentioned. But

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Speaker 1: it's the same idea that you might have nicknames for

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Speaker 1: your bff two like, it's just communicating to one another

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Speaker 1: that your relationship is special. This is the sweetest podcast, Caroline.

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Speaker 1: I gotta say, we're just getting real presh. But so

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Speaker 1: what does secret languages mean for couples. I mean, we

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Speaker 1: keep going back and forth between different types of relationships,

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Speaker 1: but we will get more into that right after a

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Speaker 1: quick break. So if your relationship outsider, it might not

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Speaker 1: seem like the more, the better you know, the more

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Speaker 1: you're having to listen to other people's adorable pet names

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Speaker 1: and little baby talk back and forth or sexy babble

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Speaker 1: as I like to call it. But research in the

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Speaker 1: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships does find that the

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Speaker 1: more a couple uses nicknames, made up words, and secret

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Speaker 1: code requests for sex, the higher the relationship satisfaction. And

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Speaker 1: I was surprised. It means you're like living in your

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Speaker 1: own world. Yeah. Relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf was talking to

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Speaker 1: Women's Health mag By the way, I just started reading

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Speaker 1: a book of hers about how to stop fighting. Not

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Speaker 1: that not to indicate that I'm fighting all the time

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Speaker 1: with boyfriend dog, but it's always important to be armed

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Speaker 1: with good information about how to succeed in relationships. Anyho

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Speaker 1: turned or IF agrees that it's quantity over quality, and

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Speaker 1: she talks about how studies have found that couples who

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Speaker 1: maintain and I love this. I'm like, how did you

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Speaker 1: come up with But I'm sure there's science behind it.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure. Uh, Couples who maintain a five to one

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Speaker 1: ratio of positive to negative communications are far more likely

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Speaker 1: to remain happy, and she says that using nicknames and

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Speaker 1: made up language is an easy way to do that.

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Speaker 1: It's an easy way to inject positive communication into your

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Speaker 1: everyday life. I love thinking about this, though in the

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Speaker 1: real world situations of a fight or disagreement brewing and

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Speaker 1: trying to do this, you know, like five to one

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Speaker 1: ratio yourself to be like, actually, babe, you're wrong, sweetheart,

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Speaker 1: You're so wrong, Honey. I don't know sweetheart for me,

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Speaker 1: and I know that other people probably have this experience,

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Speaker 1: Like different words have different connotations, but to me, like,

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Speaker 1: if you say, oh, she's my sweetheart, that's that's pretty sweet.

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Speaker 1: But I have actually used sweetheart in terms of being

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Speaker 1: that's more likely to be my word when I frustrated

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Speaker 1: with you. That's a passive aggressive sweetheart sweetheart, And I

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Speaker 1: think it my dad does the same thing. I think

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Speaker 1: that's where I get it. My dad when he is

426
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:12,120
Speaker 1: like super angry at my mom or me and he's

427
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:15,119
Speaker 1: trying not to yell or whatever, he'll he'll refer to

428
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,919
Speaker 1: us as sweetheart. Maybe he's just trying to maintain that

429
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 1: five to one. You know he knew well. I wonder

430
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:24,880
Speaker 1: how stuff Chattervan never told you. Well. There's even a

431
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,960
Speaker 1: term for all of this put forth by researchers Carol J.

432
00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:33,800
Speaker 1: Brewis and Judy C. Pearson in a study they put out,

433
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 1: they refer to a couple speak nicknames and this insider

434
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:43,680
Speaker 1: language and relationships as idiosyncratic communication. I love all these

435
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 1: non romantic terms for the way we sexy babble each

436
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 1: other zacadamia. And they found though that this idiosyncratic communication

437
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:58,640
Speaker 1: not surprisingly is associated with marital satisfaction. Couples in their

438
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:03,280
Speaker 1: first five years of Mary Sam's kids reported using the

439
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:07,480
Speaker 1: most idioms and I wonder parents listening if maybe once

440
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 1: you have kids, some of that focus on your coded

441
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:19,280
Speaker 1: language refocuses to your new babe, little baby, your new baby. Yeah,

442
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,720
Speaker 1: that you get to literally baby talk to Yeah, slightly

443
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:26,800
Speaker 1: more acceptable in mixed companies. Yeah, I would think so,

444
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 1: because also when there's a baby around, friends and family

445
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,720
Speaker 1: and whoever, are probably more likely to also baby talk

446
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 1: your baby. Whereas if you and your boo are sitting around,

447
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 1: your friends probably are going to baby talk you guys

448
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,360
Speaker 1: from a genuine perspective. They might do it to make

449
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,679
Speaker 1: fun of you. Yeah, they might not join in on

450
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,280
Speaker 1: your genuine baby talk with each other. That could be weird. Yeah,

451
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,560
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know what we're going it on.

452
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 1: That pot look sudly. Everyone's keys are in a bowl

453
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:01,199
Speaker 1: of the most awkward worn't Christmas party of verb. But

454
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,159
Speaker 1: there's an article that we read in the Telegraph that

455
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:08,680
Speaker 1: talks about how, uh, couple language not necessarily baby talk,

456
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:13,880
Speaker 1: but couple language indicates whether you're in sync. It's really

457
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 1: like menstrual synchrony. No, I mean like the band, the

458
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 1: boy band, whether you're lands bass um and so basically,

459
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,200
Speaker 1: the ebbs and flows of your use of couple speak

460
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,720
Speaker 1: mimics the ebbs and flows of your relationship, your highs

461
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,879
Speaker 1: and lows. If you stop using couple speak or you're

462
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,479
Speaker 1: not using it as much one week. Does that mean

463
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:37,480
Speaker 1: the relationships over? No? Thinking back though on my relationship,

464
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 1: there have been the times when we've been, you know,

465
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:44,640
Speaker 1: hitting the valleys that you go through, and there usually

466
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,760
Speaker 1: is an absence of the boo and the babe. I know,

467
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 1: and I thought about that too, and I realized that

468
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:53,000
Speaker 1: it's the same with me, and we're in good company, Kristen.

469
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:58,560
Speaker 1: Because University of Texas researchers looked at letters between Victorian

470
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 1: poets Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning, in addition to Sylvia

471
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:05,959
Speaker 1: Plath and Ted Hughes, and they found that both in

472
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: their work and in their private letters, the couple's language

473
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: styles matched, but they matched most intensely at the most

474
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 1: intense and positive parts of the relationship. Yeah. So for

475
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: Sylvia and Ted, who clearly had a very tumultuous relationship,

476
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: those highs and lows were reflected in the terms of

477
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:32,760
Speaker 1: use and avoidance of matching language in their letters. Um

478
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 1: even at their high points, though they had less matching

479
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 1: than Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. So I mean, is

480
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,480
Speaker 1: it is it was that just a sign that they

481
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,920
Speaker 1: were doomed? I don't know. I's if it's a sign

482
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 1: that they were doomed. But I think it's a it's

483
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 1: a perhaps, you know, putting on my little psychologist cap,

484
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:53,800
Speaker 1: not at all, it's what would that cap look like?

485
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:57,520
Speaker 1: Would it be like a driving cap? Oh, jaunty driving cap.

486
00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, what about like an Amelia Earhart style aviator cap? Okay,

487
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 1: I'm putting on my psychologist aviator cap. And I think

488
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 1: it's more if you realize, if you use a little

489
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 1: bit of self awareness and realize, like I'm not using

490
00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:15,880
Speaker 1: very much like affectionate language, what's going on? It just

491
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 1: might be a good opportunity to step back and say, well,

492
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,000
Speaker 1: are there things I'm not addressing in my relationship that

493
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:25,040
Speaker 1: are making me feel like I want to be less affectionate?

494
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:27,479
Speaker 1: Because I know when my boyfriend and I have hit

495
00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:32,320
Speaker 1: those valleys Christen, there is a feeling that you're less

496
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:36,960
Speaker 1: driven to be affectionate, whether that's physical affection or verbal affection.

497
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,880
Speaker 1: But in in great times, when everything's going swimmingly, we're

498
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 1: more likely to use those sweet nicknames or use our

499
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 1: special voices with each other than we would otherwise. So

500
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:52,720
Speaker 1: there are some shortcuts in a way that this couple

501
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: language can offer to help this navigate through those valleys,

502
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,800
Speaker 1: not to be confused with hidden Valley the land of

503
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:03,360
Speaker 1: inch where you and your boyfriend and girlfriend whomever just

504
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,200
Speaker 1: going to salad bars all the time. Um So, the

505
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 1: first shortcut to pay attention to is that you might

506
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:12,720
Speaker 1: have code words for life events like bad days or

507
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:16,240
Speaker 1: annoying events that let your partner know how your days

508
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:21,400
Speaker 1: sluck without having to relive it. And this is not

509
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: me because I'm a I'm a real talker when it

510
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:27,040
Speaker 1: comes to comes to tough times, and I'm just gonna

511
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,560
Speaker 1: want to tell my fiance all of the details after

512
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,320
Speaker 1: a period of silence, I need to quietly process and

513
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:36,560
Speaker 1: then I'll be like cooking dinner and drinking glass of

514
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:39,280
Speaker 1: wine because that calms me down. And you know, forty

515
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: five minutes later, I've gotten through, you know, the first

516
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,479
Speaker 1: hour of my day recounting it well, congret you know,

517
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:50,320
Speaker 1: I'm Studies have shown that the more you vocalize your anger,

518
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 1: the more it builds on itself. So perhaps that there

519
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:56,880
Speaker 1: is something to this, you know, telling your boyfriend if

520
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:59,200
Speaker 1: you had a bad day at work or whatever. Not

521
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 1: that you ever have a bad day at work, Kristen,

522
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,440
Speaker 1: but you could, you know, be like, ah, it's the usual.

523
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe your BOO would know like it's just another

524
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,200
Speaker 1: day with rough stuff. Well, yeah, maybe he and I

525
00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:12,560
Speaker 1: can strategize together on some you know, some just quick

526
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:17,200
Speaker 1: phrases that can you know, nip all of my retelling

527
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:22,000
Speaker 1: in the bud um. But if the conflict is between

528
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,640
Speaker 1: you and your s O, your significant other, there's always

529
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 1: shortcut number two, which is using that humor in a

530
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:33,640
Speaker 1: fight as a way to resolve it, employing an inside

531
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:36,240
Speaker 1: joke or a pet name to sort of steer you

532
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 1: back into relationships bill, which is challenging, sometimes depending on

533
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:47,480
Speaker 1: the conflict and sometimes depending on what we are talking about.

534
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 1: Don't call me Bay? Don't you Bay right now? Am

535
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:54,160
Speaker 1: I be in twenty minutes? That's that's where we get

536
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 1: the negative, Sweetheart, I guess, yeah, don't yeah, don't use

537
00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:00,920
Speaker 1: it like that, listen, sweetheart, because when that happens, I

538
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,240
Speaker 1: think that's far more toxic. If you make the the

539
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:14,000
Speaker 1: sick jokes, the angry, darker jokes, and use pet names sarcastically, Yeah,

540
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 1: that is toxic. That's only gonna deepen that conflict. Yeah,

541
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 1: it might be more of like a when the realization

542
00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:25,560
Speaker 1: starts to dawn that perhaps it's an unproductive argument or

543
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,520
Speaker 1: a fight that you've had a million times. Maybe once

544
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,160
Speaker 1: you start to realize that and pull yourself out of it,

545
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 1: you can crack an inside joke and like, hey, I'm

546
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:36,320
Speaker 1: offering a hand out of this fight. Do you want

547
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:38,239
Speaker 1: to get out of it? This is silly, Yeah, I mean,

548
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 1: that's one of those situations where one of you has

549
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:45,920
Speaker 1: to have the lighter perspective on it. I mean, but

550
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: if you're both in the trenches, good luck, sweetheart. But

551
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 1: all of these couple researchers and intimacy experts applaud the

552
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:58,840
Speaker 1: use of pet names, so hopefully they're in approval of

553
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:03,320
Speaker 1: me saying boyfriend dog, because that's definitely a very strange

554
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 1: pet name. Oh yeah, I think it's a I think

555
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:10,160
Speaker 1: any psychologist would be like, that's super healthy. You have

556
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:14,879
Speaker 1: a unique name for the person you love. So if

557
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,960
Speaker 1: you and your significant other really hit to the kids

558
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 1: speak these days, if you don't want to adopt Caroline's

559
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:26,560
Speaker 1: boyfriend dog girlfriend dog, you could be each other's bay,

560
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,640
Speaker 1: which I mean, and that also is not exclusive to

561
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,840
Speaker 1: romantic relationships. I mean, I have girlfriends who are Bay

562
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:37,920
Speaker 1: to me, um. But also when we're talking about Bay.

563
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,560
Speaker 1: Even though it is new to the mainstream, it has

564
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 1: been around for longer than a hot minute. Yeah, and

565
00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 1: I mean whatever you call your person, or maybe you

566
00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:50,120
Speaker 1: call your person person, that's also a thing that I

567
00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:54,040
Speaker 1: call my boyfriend. Uh, it's a positive thing. Author Pat

568
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 1: Love was telling Women's Health that pet names are an

569
00:34:56,680 --> 00:35:01,680
Speaker 1: auditory marker that identifies the relationship as exclusive as does

570
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,840
Speaker 1: all of this couple language that we've been talking about.

571
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,359
Speaker 1: And it lets your boo and everyone else know that

572
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:11,440
Speaker 1: you're committed, and they reinforce that little mini culture that

573
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:15,960
Speaker 1: many environment that is your relationship. Yes. Speaking to Scientific American,

574
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:20,080
Speaker 1: Carol J. Bruis was talking about this and how if

575
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:23,400
Speaker 1: essentially you can't laugh at yourself and be lighthearted in

576
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:27,800
Speaker 1: your relationship, then that relationship is not going to sustain

577
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,920
Speaker 1: itself in a lighthearted, playful kind of way over the

578
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,440
Speaker 1: long term. And that and that playfulness is so necessary

579
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,839
Speaker 1: I think for long term sustainability. To make myself sound

580
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:42,840
Speaker 1: like my relationship is actually a corporation. And she says

581
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:47,360
Speaker 1: that maybe we even value our nicknames more today because

582
00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:50,960
Speaker 1: everybody's always on the Twitter, you know, they're always on

583
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,239
Speaker 1: the Twitter talking to each other. They're always talking to

584
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,880
Speaker 1: each other. And she says that these this use of

585
00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:01,759
Speaker 1: pet names, these auditory markers, can hell create and reinforce

586
00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 1: that two persons special intimate sphere, like if you're dealing

587
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,200
Speaker 1: with the public all day long, that you get to

588
00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 1: come home to your person, use special names in a

589
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 1: special language, and it just reinforces like we're each other's

590
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 1: and this is a safe, wonderful space. Well, I sort

591
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:20,040
Speaker 1: of have the reverse with that to some extent with

592
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:23,279
Speaker 1: my fiance, because he has appeared with me on a

593
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:27,279
Speaker 1: number of stuff I never told you videos, and he

594
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: goes by the pseudonym professor Boyfriend. Now, of course professor Fiance,

595
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,879
Speaker 1: which some people miss here is Professor Beyonce, which I'm

596
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 1: also totally fine with. UM. So it's like our our

597
00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:47,200
Speaker 1: public pet name, because I like preserving the intimacy of

598
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 1: our first names together and who we are as a

599
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 1: couple to all of our family and friends off of

600
00:36:55,120 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 1: the Internet. I don't call him professor fiance at home, um,

601
00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 1: unless he's wearing a blate tweet lazer with elbow patches.

602
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 1: That never happens. And I just assumed that everybody used

603
00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:12,400
Speaker 1: pet names for each other for their significant others. It

604
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,320
Speaker 1: turns out that no, it's not true. Uh. The authors

605
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,879
Speaker 1: of The Normal Bar did a completely non randomized, non

606
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:24,560
Speaker 1: scientific Internet survey on US participants, UH, interviewing them about

607
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,600
Speaker 1: pet names, well, a couple language in general, I think,

608
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:30,719
Speaker 1: but pet names too, and found that six of their

609
00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,400
Speaker 1: U S survey respondents said they used pet names in

610
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,879
Speaker 1: their relationships, but among those who said they were very

611
00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:39,320
Speaker 1: happy in their relationship, that number shoots up to seventy.

612
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:42,480
Speaker 1: So there you go that, yes, this is unscientific, but

613
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 1: that confirms everything we've been saying that the stronger and

614
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,440
Speaker 1: happier you feel in your relationship, the more likely you

615
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:49,799
Speaker 1: are to develop this sort of secret language between the

616
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:52,920
Speaker 1: two of you to reflect your sweet feelings. And we

617
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 1: take that sweetness so literally in a lot of the

618
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 1: dessert related pet names that we will give each other,

619
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:07,480
Speaker 1: which kind of subtly indicate that your person is not

620
00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:10,840
Speaker 1: just a person, but a treat the light in your life,

621
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:15,960
Speaker 1: like putting cupcake. Um. The French have my little cabbage

622
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:21,200
Speaker 1: or cream puff. There's a Dutch term meaning candy. In Russian,

623
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:25,799
Speaker 1: your ashenka is your special little cherry. Um. I amant

624
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:30,920
Speaker 1: a fan though of the sweet food nicknames. I I

625
00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:33,680
Speaker 1: do like my little cabbage. I'm down for that, mon

626
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:38,480
Speaker 1: petit shoe, although Professor Fiance would probably prefer something like

627
00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 1: my my handsome, my gallant cabbage keeps your regular. Um. No,

628
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:50,200
Speaker 1: I called my my college roommate, Deepa. I called her.

629
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 1: We called each other putting all the time because we

630
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 1: we She and I lived together our senior year of

631
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,040
Speaker 1: college and then worked together at the newspaper, and we

632
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:01,840
Speaker 1: always referred to each other as how you doing puttin?

633
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,680
Speaker 1: How's your day? And yeah, So I don't think I've

634
00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:08,279
Speaker 1: ever used like a sweet food term with a boyfriend. Yeah,

635
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:11,239
Speaker 1: I mean there was the sugar free jello guy, but

636
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 1: that that clearly was doomed from the stiglers. Um. But

637
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:22,080
Speaker 1: of course there are downsides to these pet names. Can

638
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:25,040
Speaker 1: you talk a little bit about roommates syndrome, which is

639
00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:28,720
Speaker 1: apparently can can foster. This is I'm going to be honest,

640
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:31,799
Speaker 1: this is like a deathly serious fear of mine in

641
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:35,399
Speaker 1: any relationship is roommates syndrome. And I mean I think

642
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 1: I think that that's something that a lot of couples

643
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:40,400
Speaker 1: share about, this fear of like, you know, especially maybe

644
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:43,040
Speaker 1: if if your parents developed roommates and German. You grew

645
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:46,400
Speaker 1: up watching that, and it's something that authors Maggie Rna

646
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:51,399
Speaker 1: and Julian Davis talk about in arguing against the use

647
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:54,759
Speaker 1: of pet names, and their argument is basically that the

648
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:58,879
Speaker 1: minute you start calling your sweetie muffin, your relationship goes

649
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:03,239
Speaker 1: from super hot it too friendly. And they think that's

650
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:07,960
Speaker 1: like the worst thing that can happen, so they say

651
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,399
Speaker 1: that it kills your sex life. But everything that we've

652
00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:13,560
Speaker 1: read so far, Kristen indicates that pet names and couple

653
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,960
Speaker 1: speak ebb and flow with the strength and satisfaction of

654
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 1: your relationship, and then it's the relationship that dictates how

655
00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:24,960
Speaker 1: much actual couple speak you'll use. Yeah, I mean, I

656
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:29,280
Speaker 1: think it's the type of pet names that will develop.

657
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,600
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't see roommates syndrome um happening to

658
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:38,440
Speaker 1: people who call each other muffin and cutie cake cabbage pie.

659
00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 1: But if it's I'll catch this is embarrassing. But I

660
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:49,520
Speaker 1: catch myself partially because it's our dog's name, but never

661
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:54,680
Speaker 1: fiance and I are never buddy to each other. Hey buddy,

662
00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:58,399
Speaker 1: Hey buddy, what's up? Like it's we intentionally keep our

663
00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:01,960
Speaker 1: pet names non a tonic because we lived together too,

664
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,640
Speaker 1: and yeah, I mean roommates syndrome. Oh yeah, it can

665
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:08,840
Speaker 1: happen for sure, Um, and it is. I think minding

666
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 1: your language is a good way to guard against it.

667
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 1: So it's always like, hello, how does sexy cabin in kindergarten?

668
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:22,480
Speaker 1: You are my sexy little cabins And as one of

669
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,320
Speaker 1: the authors Arana points out, hey, we're all ego driven.

670
00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:30,400
Speaker 1: We like hearing our names, although although the use of

671
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:36,440
Speaker 1: your real Christian name, which I say lately, often indicates

672
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:40,160
Speaker 1: are in trouble. Yeah, it is so weird to me

673
00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:45,640
Speaker 1: sometimes to hear my fiance called me Kristen. Yeah, something

674
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 1: serious is going on? Like wait, no, I only answered

675
00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:52,160
Speaker 1: a babe, Yeah what is this? Yeah? I only if

676
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:54,400
Speaker 1: I'm yelling across the house because I need something or

677
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:56,560
Speaker 1: I have a question. It's always going to be boyfriend,

678
00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:59,359
Speaker 1: That's what I yell across the house, And the same

679
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,120
Speaker 1: thing girlfriend and yells across the house at me and listeners.

680
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:05,440
Speaker 1: If she needs me at work, she just yells podcaster.

681
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,000
Speaker 1: But the thing is we have desks next to each other,

682
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:15,200
Speaker 1: and I'm like, what are you going, colleague, cabbage colleague,

683
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:21,399
Speaker 1: my petite petite colleague cabbage. I kind of like that,

684
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:24,040
Speaker 1: to be honest, I think that's that's pretty sweet. Now

685
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:29,919
Speaker 1: we need someone to to draw us as affectionate cabbage friends. Yes,

686
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 1: do we just need cabbage patch dolls? No? No, no,

687
00:42:35,239 --> 00:42:38,359
Speaker 1: Caroline's eyes just full open. Now I'm not a fan.

688
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 1: I had cabbage patch dolls growing up. I went to

689
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:43,839
Speaker 1: the cabbage patch like factory. What is it called the

690
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 1: cabbage patch like hospital or something? Yeah, the hospital where

691
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:51,279
Speaker 1: they like berth the cabbage patch babies. I'm no, I

692
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:56,440
Speaker 1: don't need to revisit that. But cabbage cubicle mates we

693
00:42:56,520 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 1: can be yeah, okay, cool, Yeah, listeners, If anyone can

694
00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:04,920
Speaker 1: render us as as friendly cabbages, we'd love you forever.

695
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:12,319
Speaker 1: Don't forget Christen's red lipstick. Well, now we want to

696
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:16,440
Speaker 1: know about your secret languages that you share with significant others,

697
00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 1: whether that is a romantic significant other or a BFF

698
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:23,440
Speaker 1: or a family member, whoever is special to you. Does

699
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,360
Speaker 1: this resonate with how you find yourself speaking to the

700
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:31,759
Speaker 1: people you love. Let us know mom Stuff at how

701
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:34,400
Speaker 1: stuff works dot Com is our email address. You can

702
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,880
Speaker 1: also tweet us at mom stuff podcast or messages on

703
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,520
Speaker 1: Facebook and We've got a couple of messages to share

704
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:46,719
Speaker 1: with you right now. Alrighty, well, I have a Facebook

705
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:51,600
Speaker 1: message here from Christine about our maternity leave episode. She says,

706
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:56,160
Speaker 1: Hello ladies, Hello Christine. First of all, as everyone always does,

707
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:57,799
Speaker 1: I must tell you that I have been a fan

708
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:01,000
Speaker 1: for many years. You've helped me through hours of TDS

709
00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:03,920
Speaker 1: activities and help me be singled out as the person

710
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,000
Speaker 1: in my circle friends who's constantly saying so, I was

711
00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:09,319
Speaker 1: listening to a podcast. She goes on to say, as

712
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 1: I was getting ready this morning, I was listening to

713
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:14,000
Speaker 1: the podcast on maternity leave. I might have an interesting

714
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,520
Speaker 1: perspective on this. I'm a teacher, and not just a

715
00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:20,399
Speaker 1: classroom teacher, but I teach theater at a school in Texas. As.

716
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,320
Speaker 1: You know, everything in Texas has to be bigger than life,

717
00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:26,920
Speaker 1: and theater is no exception. The expectation for my theater

718
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 1: program is anywhere from three to five shows per year.

719
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:32,839
Speaker 1: These are all rehearsed after school. Let's olf. Rehearsals are

720
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:35,560
Speaker 1: generally three times per week and last generally two hours,

721
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:37,319
Speaker 1: and as you get closer to the show, they are

722
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:40,200
Speaker 1: more frequent and less longer. I don't have children, yet,

723
00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:42,400
Speaker 1: but with thirty right around the corner, it's on my brain.

724
00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:45,520
Speaker 1: My constant question that I'm asking myself is how can

725
00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:47,759
Speaker 1: I manage to have a child when I'm putting so

726
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:50,560
Speaker 1: much time into my theater program. When I asked this

727
00:44:50,719 --> 00:44:53,359
Speaker 1: of other theater teachers I meet, about fifty percent say

728
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:56,560
Speaker 1: you just make it work, and the other fifty say planning.

729
00:44:56,880 --> 00:45:00,160
Speaker 1: What they mean is this, they gave themselves approximately one

730
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:02,040
Speaker 1: months to get pregnant for the year, and then would

731
00:45:02,040 --> 00:45:04,280
Speaker 1: wait until the next year if they didn't get pregnant.

732
00:45:04,680 --> 00:45:07,160
Speaker 1: Most teachers will jokingly tell you that the ideal months

733
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:09,960
Speaker 1: to get pregnant is August. That way, when you give birth,

734
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:11,920
Speaker 1: you won't have to come back to school, and we'll

735
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 1: just get to spend the whole summer with your new

736
00:45:13,719 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 1: bundle of joy. The terrifying aspect of this is that

737
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:19,840
Speaker 1: I am seriously considering this. I hate that I have

738
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:21,920
Speaker 1: to feel that I need to be pigeonholed into getting

739
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,400
Speaker 1: pregnant during only one month of the year, but the

740
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 1: thought of not being able to spend those first few

741
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 1: weeks and months with my first child is heartbreaking. If

742
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: you read this on the podcast, please add a shout

743
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:34,480
Speaker 1: out for all the teachers who spend so many additional

744
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:37,040
Speaker 1: hours at school with their child in tow while they're

745
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:39,600
Speaker 1: in daycare and mom or dad is checking their watch

746
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:41,279
Speaker 1: because they know they need to pick them up before

747
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,399
Speaker 1: six pm, and who decided to stay home because they

748
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:49,239
Speaker 1: too need recognition. Well thanks Christeve, Well I've got to

749
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:52,520
Speaker 1: let her here. From Samantha also about our maternity leave episode,

750
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:56,799
Speaker 1: and she writes the maternity leave topic struck home for

751
00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:58,759
Speaker 1: me for a few reasons, the first one being that

752
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:01,000
Speaker 1: you didn't discuss help pregnant seat in the lack of

753
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:04,680
Speaker 1: maternity leave can affect students. I had my daughter my

754
00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:07,880
Speaker 1: second senior year in college. I knew I wouldn't get

755
00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:10,239
Speaker 1: any time off classes and that as soon as I graduated,

756
00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:12,280
Speaker 1: I'd have to start working, so he planned the pregnant

757
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,959
Speaker 1: seat for my Christmas break. I carried her with little

758
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:20,080
Speaker 1: complication for entirely full spring, summer, and false semesters. Due

759
00:46:20,160 --> 00:46:22,840
Speaker 1: to medical reasons, I was induced two days after my

760
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:25,839
Speaker 1: final exams ended. This gave me around two weeks before

761
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 1: returning to classes. My spring wasn't dandy, however, as I

762
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:33,680
Speaker 1: had several medical complications resulting in numerous doctors visits and surgeries,

763
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:36,360
Speaker 1: which meant missing classes and having to self teach some

764
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 1: of my senior classes. It also meant pumping breast milk

765
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:40,840
Speaker 1: once or twice a day in my car with shades

766
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:43,560
Speaker 1: up when I could go, and working off very little sleep.

767
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 1: But that's another story. I managed through all that to

768
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:49,719
Speaker 1: graduate in May with my degrees in engineering and philosophy,

769
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:52,560
Speaker 1: but wish it could have been made easier and maybe

770
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,319
Speaker 1: some complications avoided by getting to take some time off.

771
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:59,200
Speaker 1: My work is an entirely different story. I worked closely

772
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:02,640
Speaker 1: with the welding industry, and due to environmental hazards, would

773
00:47:02,640 --> 00:47:04,920
Speaker 1: have to stop doing my job over health concerns for

774
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,080
Speaker 1: the baby. I guess I would have to change to

775
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:10,360
Speaker 1: an inside office job unrelated to my degree or training,

776
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:13,359
Speaker 1: or leave and hope there's a job there when I'm

777
00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: ready to return. This is about all I can imagine,

778
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:18,160
Speaker 1: since I'm the only woman in the entire company in

779
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:20,800
Speaker 1: the boys club of getting to go to industrial sites,

780
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:22,879
Speaker 1: so there's a lot of concern that I fit into

781
00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:25,399
Speaker 1: the idea of a younger employee, which is typically male

782
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:28,320
Speaker 1: and doesn't take leave when a child is born. The

783
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,040
Speaker 1: few women that I know have returned after giving birth,

784
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 1: took maybe two weeks and had zero complications. My company

785
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:37,080
Speaker 1: isn't cruel by any means, and they really support family,

786
00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:40,200
Speaker 1: especially in times of need, which we've experienced, but the

787
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,480
Speaker 1: environment is lean and one of the no free lunch

788
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:45,520
Speaker 1: when it comes to getting the job done. This is

789
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:47,880
Speaker 1: a small part of why my husband and I decided

790
00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:51,240
Speaker 1: to stop with our daughter and not have another child.

791
00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:55,320
Speaker 1: So thanks for that insight, Samantha, and thanks to everyone

792
00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:57,640
Speaker 1: who's written into us mom. Stuff at al safwork dot

793
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:00,320
Speaker 1: com is where you can send your emails and for

794
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:02,440
Speaker 1: links all of our social media as well as all

795
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:06,000
Speaker 1: of our blogs, videos and podcasts, including this one with

796
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,600
Speaker 1: links to our sources. So you can learn more about

797
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:12,040
Speaker 1: the psychology of couple speak. Head on over to stuff

798
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:19,800
Speaker 1: Mom Never Told You dot com for moralness and thousands

799
00:48:19,800 --> 00:48:29,520
Speaker 1: of other topics. Does it How stuff works dot com