Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we of
Speaker 1: course break down the Psychology of our twenties. Now, before
Speaker 1: we get into it, I have a really, really cool announcement.
Speaker 1: We have just launched our first ever line of notebooks,
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Speaker 1: take notes while you listen to this episode, if you
Speaker 1: want to journal about what you're discovering about yourself, what
Speaker 1: you're learning, these notebooks are perfect. They were done in
Speaker 1: collaboration with an incredible Bristol based illustrator called Rosy Pink.
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Speaker 1: I have been a fan of her work for many,
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Speaker 1: so excited for this. It's like super high quality. Of course,
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Speaker 1: they are well made, and they were made with love.
Speaker 1: So now let's get into the episode. One of the
Speaker 1: inevitable aspects of this decade I think of simply being
Speaker 1: human is that there will come a time when we
Speaker 1: consciously and deliberately need to separate and move on from
Speaker 1: somebody that we once loved, whether that is a friend
Speaker 1: or an ex, somebody else in our lives, a family member,
Speaker 1: for example. I think it is one of those really
Speaker 1: sad universal truths of kind of humanity. Not all relationships
Speaker 1: are meant to last, not all of them can kind
Speaker 1: of withstand the test of time, and in order for
Speaker 1: us to really truly move on, sometimes we do need
Speaker 1: a total break from that person to fully heal and
Speaker 1: to finally process what we experienced. Relationships they break, they
Speaker 1: fall apart, and I think whilst we may have imagined
Speaker 1: that this person would have been in our life forever,
Speaker 1: maybe we always knew it was going to end this way.
Speaker 1: The conclusion of a relationship is a really mess and
Speaker 1: confusing time, and sometimes the only way forward, the only
Speaker 1: way to stop getting drawn back in, to stop compulsively
Speaker 1: checking on them, to allow your self closure, is to
Speaker 1: go no contact. No contact. This method of separating ourselves
Speaker 1: and cutting off all kind of communication with somebody post breakup,
Speaker 1: post argument, post conflict. It's really seen a rise in
Speaker 1: popularity and arise in supporters, and I want to talk
Speaker 1: about it today. What exactly is no contact? What are
Speaker 1: the rules, how does it actually work, why is it
Speaker 1: so effective, why is it necessary? And how can we
Speaker 1: actually stay committed to ow I guess commitment to seeing
Speaker 1: this person fade from our lives and fade from our future.
Speaker 1: It's a really sad and scary reality that you know
Speaker 1: there might come a time where this person just can't
Speaker 1: be the person that we want them to be, and
Speaker 1: we do need to let ourselves and let them move on.
Speaker 1: So this is kind of your ultimate guide to no contact,
Speaker 1: how it works, why it works, and how you can
Speaker 1: implement it now. I will say some people don't necessarily
Speaker 1: agree with me when I say that no contact is
Speaker 1: the answer. In fact, I think I would have previously
Speaker 1: disagreed with myself. You know, if you had asked me
Speaker 1: two years ago whether you could stay in touch with
Speaker 1: an ex or repair a severely broken bond with a friend,
Speaker 1: I would have said yes. I would have said that
Speaker 1: that is the mature thing to do, that it showed growth.
Speaker 1: I even did an episode with my ex boyfriend a
Speaker 1: few years back. It sounds insane, it's still up if
Speaker 1: you want to go and find it, but we essentially
Speaker 1: discussed how we were still friends, how we were so
Speaker 1: mature for maintaining the relationship, surprise, surprise, we no longer are,
Speaker 1: and I think no contact was the way that that
Speaker 1: inevitably came to an end. Different things obviously work for
Speaker 1: different people, but I think with relationships, and with ex's
Speaker 1: in particular, one of the reasons that we stay in
Speaker 1: touch that we don't go no contact is because we
Speaker 1: aren't actually completely ready to move on. Even if we
Speaker 1: think that we are. This person is kind of always
Speaker 1: there they're always ready to come back into our lives.
Speaker 1: We are always ready to let them back in our
Speaker 1: lives because they remain an option to us. But I
Speaker 1: think when we allow these people who we know should
Speaker 1: not be, you know that they are not going to
Speaker 1: create a fulfilling future for us. That they just aren't
Speaker 1: right for us. They've caused us pain. When we allow
Speaker 1: them to stay in our lives, they take up valuable mental, social,
Speaker 1: physical space. I think the same goes for friendships that
Speaker 1: have turned sour when we keep giving people second chances,
Speaker 1: when we that they will change when we let them
Speaker 1: overstep boundaries. Eventually we do have to make a tough decision,
Speaker 1: and hopefully a permanent one, to no longer allow them
Speaker 1: access to us. I don't think that it's an easy
Speaker 1: or a light decision to come by. I don't think
Speaker 1: that Personally. I'm somebody who could sit here and say,
Speaker 1: if you have any kind of conflict or disagreement with somebody,
Speaker 1: cut them out. They're not good for you, because that
Speaker 1: is quite an unhealthy and unsustainable thing to do. But
Speaker 1: I think personally, the more that I've matured and grown,
Speaker 1: the more that I've understood that, especially in the aftermath
Speaker 1: of a really intense, serious breakup. One of the only
Speaker 1: ways to find closure is to see this person exit
Speaker 1: your life permanently and for you to be committed to
Speaker 1: that decision. The more that I've kind of realized that
Speaker 1: no contact when it's possible, when there are no kids
Speaker 1: or pets involved, or you're not working together, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: no contact is the best option. And a lot of
Speaker 1: the psychology kind of proves it as well. And it
Speaker 1: doesn't just prove that it's maybe just good for you
Speaker 1: on an emotional level, but it also proves that it
Speaker 1: actually lessens the time that it's going to take for
Speaker 1: you to move on and to be open to new
Speaker 1: people entering your lives, whether that is platonically or romantically.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about it today. Let's get into it.
Speaker 1: For those of us who are unfamiliar with this method,
Speaker 1: no contact is essentially what it sounds like. It involves
Speaker 1: cutting off all communication with somebody following some kind of
Speaker 1: breakdown in the relationship. Normally that is a breakup. Something
Speaker 1: has occurred that has made you realize that the relationship
Speaker 1: is beyond repair. It could even be months years after
Speaker 1: the breakup where you've just realized that you are not
Speaker 1: at the point of recovery that you need to be
Speaker 1: because you keep letting this person back in, because you
Speaker 1: are maintaining some kind of communication with them that is
Speaker 1: not letting you heal. So no contact is this kind
Speaker 1: of realization that we have that there needs to be
Speaker 1: a final and very much resolute separation from this person. Now,
Speaker 1: when I say cutting off all contact, we are not
Speaker 1: just talking about, you know, avoiding running into them or
Speaker 1: blocking their number, their social media, their email. We are
Speaker 1: also talking about something that is not often included, which
Speaker 1: is preventing yourself from following up with mutual friends. I
Speaker 1: think we often tend to focus on specifically the communication
Speaker 1: between just us and this one other person, and when
Speaker 1: we limit that, we are going no contact. But the
Speaker 1: purpose of this method is to essentially allow somebody else
Speaker 1: to fade from your life in the most efficient way possible,
Speaker 1: to put up that strong boundary. And when we keep
Speaker 1: asking people around us if they've heard anything, if they
Speaker 1: know what's going on in that other person's life, you
Speaker 1: know whether they're dating anybody, whether they're sad or they
Speaker 1: miss us touching base with our mutual friends about their
Speaker 1: existence and their wellbeing and their whereabouts. I think that
Speaker 1: really defeats the purpose. It can also really undo so
Speaker 1: much of the effort that we've already put into detach. Right,
Speaker 1: you know, we've done all the other things correctly. We
Speaker 1: don't have any direct contact with this person, but that
Speaker 1: indirect contact still counts. It still activates all those old memories,
Speaker 1: It still keeps the memory of this person very much
Speaker 1: active and present in your life. That doesn't mean that you,
Speaker 1: of course have to remove anybody that has any connection
Speaker 1: to this person, otherwise you risk falling into temptation. More
Speaker 1: so than I think, we need to be conscious of
Speaker 1: the ways that we are replacing the direct contact that
Speaker 1: we crave with this with our ex, with our old friend,
Speaker 1: were replacing that direct contact with secondary contact, and it's
Speaker 1: still fulfilling that main function and purpose, which is that
Speaker 1: we feel connected to them in some way. It is
Speaker 1: such a crucial element that I think we often forget.
Speaker 1: Myself included at times. I remember going like no contact
Speaker 1: with an X maybe three years back, but I remained
Speaker 1: very much attached, and I really clung onto the friendships
Speaker 1: that I had with his housemates and the friends that
Speaker 1: we had made together, and I eventually really realized that
Speaker 1: I was using a lot of our interactions to speak
Speaker 1: about him rather than actually focus on the other person
Speaker 1: and the friendship that we had built independent of my ex.
Speaker 1: One thing that I think we know about no contact
Speaker 1: is that it requires a whole lot of commitment. It
Speaker 1: is not for the fainthearted. Somebody actually said it to
Speaker 1: me this way the other day. No contact involves treating
Speaker 1: this other person as if they've died. That is how
Speaker 1: intense it can be and the level of discipline that
Speaker 1: it can take. You kind of have to imagine that
Speaker 1: even if you wanted to reach out, you couldn't. And
Speaker 1: I also think that this way of seeing things that
Speaker 1: there is absolutely no possibility of communicating going forward helps
Speaker 1: us justify our grief as well. It stops us from
Speaker 1: feeling a lot of disenfranchised grief that we shouldn't be feeling, sad,
Speaker 1: that we should be over it by now that this
Speaker 1: isn't a big deal. When we treat it like no,
Speaker 1: this person is forever out of my life, we are
Speaker 1: allowed to really feel the pain that I think we
Speaker 1: should be feeling at the end of any relationship. The
Speaker 1: level though of discipline and control that that takes and
Speaker 1: knowing how finite that decision will probably be is what
Speaker 1: keeps a lot of us from ever thinking that we
Speaker 1: could do it, from trying every other possible solution, trying
Speaker 1: to be friends before we finally get to that point
Speaker 1: where we know that there is no other option. I
Speaker 1: also think that it's super normal sometimes to go back
Speaker 1: and forth right to unblock their number and then block
Speaker 1: it again, to really fight the urge to reach out,
Speaker 1: and then slip up and have to reinstitute that war
Speaker 1: between you two human relationships, especially ones that are so
Speaker 1: deep and passionate and emotional that they would require this
Speaker 1: amount of drastic action. They're complicated, and they contain a
Speaker 1: lot of contradictory emotions anger one minute, nostalgia the next,
Speaker 1: grief one day, enjoy and gratitude tomorrow. So it can
Speaker 1: be very hard to stay strong. It can be very
Speaker 1: hard to be committed to this decision, because how you're
Speaker 1: feeling about the situation right now might not be how
Speaker 1: you're feeling about it tomorrow when you miss this person
Speaker 1: beyond belief, beyond anything that you have felt. But personally,
Speaker 1: I do think that this period of no contact is
Speaker 1: almost necessary to completely heal in men. It provides us
Speaker 1: with the emotional, mental, social, and importantly the physical space
Speaker 1: to a actually process our experience with them, be good
Speaker 1: and the bad, and b come to terms with the
Speaker 1: reality that this person is no longer going to be
Speaker 1: part of our life in the same way, and that
Speaker 1: is what it's going to be going forward. That is
Speaker 1: something that we cannot change if we have decided that
Speaker 1: we cannot be in a relationship with this person, if
Speaker 1: they've decided it for us. Part of that future, that
Speaker 1: future path that we are now on is you know,
Speaker 1: a path towards never speaking again. And I think no
Speaker 1: contact gets us comfortable with that reality a lot. Here's
Speaker 1: kind of how I like to see it and how
Speaker 1: I've justified it actually to myself in the past. The
Speaker 1: end of a relationship is always going to hurt. The
Speaker 1: pain of detaching from someone is going to be intense,
Speaker 1: no matter which way you square it. But that pain
Speaker 1: can exist for a longer period of time, for a
Speaker 1: year or more at like fifty percent intensity, or it
Speaker 1: can exist at one hundred percent intensity but only for
Speaker 1: a couple of months. It really depends on whether you
Speaker 1: are ready to heal or endure the separation over a
Speaker 1: longer timeline, or whether you are ready to bite the
Speaker 1: bullet and yes, experience the intensity of all of that grief,
Speaker 1: all of that rage, all of that recovery at once,
Speaker 1: rather than keeping yourself still kind of attached to them
Speaker 1: just because it makes it feel easier in the moment.
Speaker 1: So my other argument for no contact is that it
Speaker 1: also stops us from sliding back into the relationship during
Speaker 1: that very vulnerable period where we do just genuinely want somebody,
Speaker 1: And when that's somebody is somebody that we are already
Speaker 1: familiar with and that we already know and that we
Speaker 1: know is available, it's so much easier to backside. No
Speaker 1: contact is basically you saying no, this is an absolute decision,
Speaker 1: And I think it's a lot harder for you to
Speaker 1: turn around and be like, no, just kidding, I change
Speaker 1: my mind, because you can't really justify that to your
Speaker 1: past version of yourself. You can't justify that to your
Speaker 1: current version of yourself, who knows in the back of
Speaker 1: their mind that there was a reason that we decided
Speaker 1: to be this drastic about our efforts. So the final
Speaker 1: reason I think that no contact is powerful is because
Speaker 1: it lets us provide ourselves with closure, rather than waiting
Speaker 1: on somebody else to do it for us. It lets
Speaker 1: us essentially take matters into our own hands. If this
Speaker 1: person is still stringing you along, you know, hitting you
Speaker 1: up every now and again, if you're still waiting for
Speaker 1: a message or relying on them when you know that
Speaker 1: you can't. No contact gives you the power to close
Speaker 1: that chapter for yourself. It is such a decisive and
Speaker 1: strong way of saying I'm done. I'm over this, like
Speaker 1: this is done, and I have made that decision for
Speaker 1: both of us. I am putting all of the memories,
Speaker 1: our bond, our love that is now in the past,
Speaker 1: and my future is just kind of me, myself and
Speaker 1: I and I'm going to move forward without you beside me.
Speaker 1: I think it's also especially powerful for breaking really painful
Speaker 1: and toxic cycles of like distancing ourselves for a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks and then going back because no contact is
Speaker 1: quite permanent, right, it's really enough is enough, that's it.
Speaker 1: I'm doing what is best for me. It is a
Speaker 1: hard boundary rather than like a soft permission slip of
Speaker 1: like maybe if you like text me at two am,
Speaker 1: this could be a thing. It's like no, you can't
Speaker 1: even text me. This is not even a remote possibility.
Speaker 1: So why does this work? So many people, including myself obviously,
Speaker 1: are such huge proponents of this method for really detaching
Speaker 1: and finally ending things. There has to be some evidence
Speaker 1: for it. There has to be more than just anecdotal
Speaker 1: evidence that this is effective and efficient. Of course, I
Speaker 1: had to find the science for you, guys. Couldn't just
Speaker 1: give you empty advice without the psychology. So to understand this,
Speaker 1: we really need to comprehend the psychology and the biology
Speaker 1: of attachment. And it starts with how we initially fell
Speaker 1: in love with this person. So when we begin to
Speaker 1: get close to someone, especially intimately, whether that is emotional,
Speaker 1: physical intimacy, even in intellectual intimacy, our brain releases oxytocin.
Speaker 1: This is known as the love or the bonding hormone,
Speaker 1: and the function of this hormone is to promote trust,
Speaker 1: to promote safety, security, and it's really crucial. It is
Speaker 1: like the biological building block for asserting and creating and
Speaker 1: constructing relationships. So it's kind of what binds a lot
Speaker 1: of us together. The other thing to know about oxytocin
Speaker 1: is that it is often released in tandem in parallel
Speaker 1: to other hormones and neurotransmitters that we associate with pleasure
Speaker 1: and happiness and love. I'm talking about dopamine and serotonin,
Speaker 1: of course, the two famous ones. There have been some studies,
Speaker 1: including one published in twenty seventeen, that suggest that the
Speaker 1: chemical reaction produced by this cocktail of hormones and chemicals
Speaker 1: and neurotransmitters that is associated with falling in love is
Speaker 1: a lot similar to the same chemical process that occurs
Speaker 1: when we become addicted to a substance. It's thrilling, it's exhilarating.
Speaker 1: It you know, consumes our rational brain and it gets
Speaker 1: us hooked. Not only is oxytocin just a really nice
Speaker 1: hormone to experience, not only does it make us feel
Speaker 1: really good, it is also habit forming because it is
Speaker 1: such a pleasurable experience. When the release of oxytosin is
Speaker 1: paired with some event or stimuli or a person like
Speaker 1: an ex boyfriend, an ex girlfriend, an ex partner, we
Speaker 1: begin to associate this person with all of those amazing
Speaker 1: feelings that we are chasing, and so when we want
Speaker 1: to hit of that same great feeling, we seek them out.
Speaker 1: They kind of become like our drug dealer. All of
Speaker 1: this is what contributes to the density of the early
Speaker 1: stages of a relationship, but also like the comfort and
Speaker 1: the warmth of love. Now, when things start to turn sour,
Speaker 1: it is not like that love fades overnight. What we
Speaker 1: start to see is I think a general gradual decline,
Speaker 1: but also an unstable association between all of those nice
Speaker 1: feelings and that person, but also a new set of feelings,
Speaker 1: feelings of sadness, feelings of worry, feelings of longing, despair, unfulfillment,
Speaker 1: and so we don't really know whether this next interaction
Speaker 1: we have with them is going to produce the feelings
Speaker 1: that we want to be having, which is the feelings
Speaker 1: of love, or the feelings that make us distressed and
Speaker 1: feeling rejected and uncomfortable. Despite that, it might not be
Speaker 1: all bad, right, It's just that there is this the
Speaker 1: bad experiences begin to outweigh the positive ones. That's often
Speaker 1: what leads to a breakup. But it doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: they're isn't still like a baseline of feeling, there is
Speaker 1: obviously going to be like a maintaining level of positive
Speaker 1: neurological and biological reactions going about below the surface, even
Speaker 1: if they are not the majority, there is still some
Speaker 1: part of us that remains attached and bonded to this person,
Speaker 1: even if things, you know, start to become shaky, because
Speaker 1: we have that history. So when we break up, when
Speaker 1: we realize that this person is not for us, or
Speaker 1: when they break up with us, perhaps out of the blue,
Speaker 1: perhaps we didn't want it to occur. On a conscious level,
Speaker 1: we kind of know that things have obviously changed. Like
Speaker 1: we were present for this experience, we are feeling distressed,
Speaker 1: but our neurotransmitters don't know that. Our dopamine receptors don't
Speaker 1: know that, and so it's not like the tap is
Speaker 1: suddenly turned off for our brain. It's not like the
Speaker 1: moment we've broken up with somebody or the moment a
Speaker 1: relationship has ended, our brain goes, all right, let's just
Speaker 1: shuttle that down and get them back to normal. What
Speaker 1: is happening is that there is still this urge and
Speaker 1: this craving and this desire for the kind of positive,
Speaker 1: happy chemicals and hormones that this person was previously eliciting.
Speaker 1: But there is no longer a catalyst for those reactions
Speaker 1: because this person is no longer in your life. That
Speaker 1: is part of why breakups are so painful, because the
Speaker 1: urge to stay connected to this person is still being
Speaker 1: triggered by our craving and our desire for all these
Speaker 1: good experiences. And it's also still being triggered because we
Speaker 1: have probably formed a whole series of habits and behaviors
Speaker 1: around seeking love out from this individual. That's really why
Speaker 1: in the weeks, in the early months after a breakup,
Speaker 1: after the end of a relationship, it's especially hard because
Speaker 1: we are essentially rewiring our brain to not need them anymore.
Speaker 1: Here's the though. Anytime you reach out, you get that
Speaker 1: spike again. When you see them out in public, you
Speaker 1: are immediately transported back into how great it felt, and
Speaker 1: so you are getting just enough to maintain those previous
Speaker 1: neural pathways that were kind of formed in like the
Speaker 1: era of your love story. Those connections are still maintained
Speaker 1: by those small text messages that you sometimes get when
Speaker 1: you sleep with each other, like every now and again,
Speaker 1: when you still get that you know, Instagram DM from them,
Speaker 1: and you like, your attention is immediately grabbed and you're
Speaker 1: immediately feeling like loved and wanted again. All of that,
Speaker 1: all of those kind of small moments in which we
Speaker 1: are yet to completely break off contact with somebody where
Speaker 1: they are still in our lives. That is keeping us
Speaker 1: hooked on them. It is what we call unpredictable reward.
Speaker 1: We don't know and we're going to get it. But
Speaker 1: by keeping those communication and contact channels and pathways open,
Speaker 1: we still expect that we're going to get something from
Speaker 1: that person, that there could come a time when they
Speaker 1: will light us up again, when we will get their affection,
Speaker 1: when they will want to speak to us, and so
Speaker 1: all of that emotion, all of that connection and attachment,
Speaker 1: although on a rational and very self aware level, we
Speaker 1: know the relationship is over, by continuing to put ourselves
Speaker 1: in situations where that person is still in our life,
Speaker 1: even in a small capacity, we are not letting our
Speaker 1: brain recover. And so no contact is really the solution
Speaker 1: here because it firstly stops temptation, but it also acts
Speaker 1: as a complete detox. It's very much a cold Turkey move.
Speaker 1: I like this concept of a detox a lot when
Speaker 1: explaining this, because that is essentially what is happening. This
Speaker 1: process of going no contact is a process of removing
Speaker 1: something from your mind, from your life, from your body
Speaker 1: that you no longer want present. It is this purifying,
Speaker 1: cleansing process of really detoxing your life of this person
Speaker 1: and hopefully coming out cleaner, coming out better, coming out happier.
Speaker 1: You're physically removing this person from your life right by
Speaker 1: removing opportunities for them to stay in touch with you
Speaker 1: and for you to stay in touch with them. But
Speaker 1: you're also essentially getting used to the fact that you
Speaker 1: can feel good, and you can feel happy, and you
Speaker 1: can have intimate, loving feelings without them. It also stops
Speaker 1: the yo yoing, the back and forth that keeps you
Speaker 1: hung up. It stops the confusion, and it lets the
Speaker 1: cycle break. Like I just said, it means that when
Speaker 1: previously you were seeking out all of those positive feelings
Speaker 1: and emotions and reactions from this person, no contact means
Speaker 1: that you have no other option but to find these
Speaker 1: necessities somewhere else, hopefully in yourself first, but then eventually
Speaker 1: in other people, maybe eventually in a better partner making
Speaker 1: space like that, getting clear on the fact that holding
Speaker 1: onto this person is not what is best for you,
Speaker 1: I think really allows you to let peace into your
Speaker 1: life and to get control back over that situation and
Speaker 1: back over the kind of reactions and emotional reactions in
Speaker 1: particular that you can't stop yourself from having. You can't
Speaker 1: stop yourself from wanting this person. You can't undo the past,
Speaker 1: but you can control how you react to those circumstances
Speaker 1: and how much access this person continues to have and
Speaker 1: how much access you give yourself to them. So I think,
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, like the main reason
Speaker 1: why no contact work is no contact works is because
Speaker 1: it breaks the neurological cycle of attachment. But it also
Speaker 1: stops you from being confused. It rids you of the
Speaker 1: temptation of going back to this person who you cannot
Speaker 1: be with for whatever reason, and it lets you be
Speaker 1: kind of undistracted and undeterred. It doesn't mean that you
Speaker 1: just continually elongate the detachment and the breakup process just
Speaker 1: because it is easier to do it slower, but it
Speaker 1: means that it lasts longer and that eventually there will
Speaker 1: come a time where you do have to accept that
Speaker 1: your relationship is not what it once was and it
Speaker 1: is time to move on. So that is essentially my
Speaker 1: reasoning for why this is such an effective method. But
Speaker 1: how do we do it successfully? How do we stay
Speaker 1: strong and committed despite all of the things in us,
Speaker 1: all of the mental compulsions to reach out, all of
Speaker 1: the desires to have this person back in our lives
Speaker 1: in some capacity. Well, we are going to talk about
Speaker 1: all of that and more after this shortbreak. So I
Speaker 1: think I've given you my most compelling argument for why
Speaker 1: you should go no contact, especially with an X, and
Speaker 1: some of the reasons and the science and the psychology
Speaker 1: that tells us why it works. But I think just
Speaker 1: saying it doesn't make it easy. A few years ago,
Speaker 1: I was seeing this person pretty casually for like four months,
Speaker 1: but they had a really significant emotional impact on me,
Speaker 1: I think just because of the timing and everything that
Speaker 1: I was going through. And they were also just not
Speaker 1: somebody that I should have had in my life. They
Speaker 1: were not a kind person, and I eventually realized that
Speaker 1: it was a pretty terrible situation. I needed to cut
Speaker 1: him off. But the number of times I blocked and
Speaker 1: deleted his number and then would unblock him or would
Speaker 1: reply to his messages on Instagram wherever, you would have
Speaker 1: thought that nothing had changed. And it took me, I
Speaker 1: think two to three whole months to really finally quit
Speaker 1: that situation. And to really go cold turkey. So that
Speaker 1: is just one of the situations where I've really applied
Speaker 1: this rule, obviously not very well. But I do have
Speaker 1: some advice that I've learned from my failures. I guess
Speaker 1: not my failures. I have some advice that I've learned
Speaker 1: from my missteps and from my learning experience. So here
Speaker 1: are five I think of my best tips and principles
Speaker 1: for successful no contact. Firstly, try just twenty one days
Speaker 1: of no contact first straight after a breakup, before going
Speaker 1: all in. I think this gives us an adjustment period
Speaker 1: to really refin and what we want going forward, and
Speaker 1: just taking that three weeks to get an immediate distance
Speaker 1: to really process our emotions. I think it's also important
Speaker 1: because it gives us space before we do something impulsive
Speaker 1: that will regret. Sometimes, you know, when we're in that
Speaker 1: highly emotional and volatile state, sometimes you know, we don't
Speaker 1: always do what is right. Sometimes we are not able
Speaker 1: to put in the boundaries that we know what we
Speaker 1: are going to need later on. Sometimes it is messy
Speaker 1: and confusing, and we get back together with them and
Speaker 1: then we break up with them again. Giving yourself that
Speaker 1: three weeks of distance straight after an incredibly emotionally intense situation.
Speaker 1: Lets you get clear and for practical reasons, right like,
Speaker 1: it's only three weeks. You guys can come back together
Speaker 1: and have a conversation. You might have like items or
Speaker 1: things to give back, ground rules to apply, but you've
Speaker 1: still given yourself like a bit of a head start,
Speaker 1: and you can still see that you know you can
Speaker 1: live without them. You did that three weeks, you can
Speaker 1: do another three weeks. You have breathing room and you
Speaker 1: have yeah, I guess practice and skill to see that
Speaker 1: this is important and to see that you can live
Speaker 1: on your own and you can live without that connection. Secondly,
Speaker 1: treat no contact as a challenge and when you are
Speaker 1: really struggling, as we all do, just go for one
Speaker 1: more hour, go for one more minute, even when it's
Speaker 1: really hard. I think that saying goes it's something like
Speaker 1: you can do you can do anything for thirty seconds
Speaker 1: when that temptation to reach out to them is really overpowering,
Speaker 1: just focus on the thirty seconds in front of you,
Speaker 1: and then the next thirty and then the next thirty
Speaker 1: before like the craving and the urge dissipates. The other
Speaker 1: piece of advice I have that's related to this is
Speaker 1: to download a sobriety app. Now, I know this sounds
Speaker 1: so strange, but there are apps out there that track
Speaker 1: your progress when it comes to quitting alcohol, quitting drugs,
Speaker 1: quitting substances. We can also use that for people. It
Speaker 1: keeps you focused on the time you have already put
Speaker 1: into removing yourself. It keeps you focused on the progress
Speaker 1: that you are making that you don't want to undo
Speaker 1: in a moment of weakness, and it really I think
Speaker 1: makes it feel more like a challenge than a chore.
Speaker 1: Eventually as well, speaking from experience, it's something that you
Speaker 1: just don't even check, you don't even care. And I
Speaker 1: think that moment when you're like, oh, I'm not looking
Speaker 1: at the minutes that we spent a part ticking by,
Speaker 1: I'm not looking at the hours we haven't spoken, you know,
Speaker 1: floating into the ether, I don't care anymore, That is
Speaker 1: when you know that you've healed. I know that right now,
Speaker 1: the possibility of that reality, the possibility of no longer
Speaker 1: even caring about what that person is doing or who
Speaker 1: they're with, you know, no longer being able to hear
Speaker 1: from that or touch them. Right now, that reality seems
Speaker 1: really devastating, but I think with time that sting will lessen.
Speaker 1: That doesn't necessarily mean that this process will be linear.
Speaker 1: I think for anybody who has been through a breakup,
Speaker 1: been through a friendship breakup, or a family estrangement, process
Speaker 1: is not linear. Each day it's not promised that it's
Speaker 1: going to be better than the last. I think that's
Speaker 1: a fact of life, is that grief does not know
Speaker 1: any timeline but its own. However, I want you to
Speaker 1: remember that it is totally normal for that to be
Speaker 1: the case. It is totally normal to have a few
Speaker 1: weeks where you feel amazing and you feel great, and
Speaker 1: then just a day of just despair and grief and tears,
Speaker 1: even when you've been doing so well. So this brings
Speaker 1: me to my next tip. Don't be afraid of memory
Speaker 1: flare ups and don't let them undo your progress. Just
Speaker 1: because you're still thinking about them off going no contact
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you are failing, and it definitely doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it's not working. Just because you find yourself fantasizing or
Speaker 1: daydreaming about the past doesn't mean that you should revisit it.
Speaker 1: I want you to remember that. I think we all
Speaker 1: know that feeling of having like an eerily weird dream
Speaker 1: about an X and thinking that there is some deeper meaning.
Speaker 1: But there isn't. This. This is just your brain processing
Speaker 1: information and processing important memories. So there's a concept that
Speaker 1: I like to bring up when people talk to me
Speaker 1: about this. You know, I had someone actually message me
Speaker 1: the other day and she was like, you know, it's
Speaker 1: been eight months since I've gone no contact, and I've
Speaker 1: just randomly in the last couple of weeks, I cannot
Speaker 1: stop reliving things. I cannot stop thinking about her. So
Speaker 1: this is a phenomenon known as mind pops, and it's
Speaker 1: super strange. Essentially, what happens is that you'll be going
Speaker 1: about your day, you're feeling amazing, and then this random
Speaker 1: memory or image will suddenly pop into your head for
Speaker 1: no specific reason, almost like a flashback. Now, there was
Speaker 1: an article written about this almost ten oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: twelve years ago. I was written in twenty twelve, so
Speaker 1: it was written by Scientific America. And the reason that
Speaker 1: this happens is not because you know it's a sign
Speaker 1: that somebody else is thinking about you. It's not because
Speaker 1: your brain knows something that you don't, or that it's
Speaker 1: fate or destiny. It's actually just a part of our
Speaker 1: brain kind of cleaning out the filing cabinet. It's part
Speaker 1: of our brain just filtering through our semantic or autobiographical
Speaker 1: memories as it needs to do. You know, our brains
Speaker 1: are constantly working and going, and they're shooting energy and
Speaker 1: impulses across millions of neural connections. Sometimes it's you know
Speaker 1: these connections. Sometimes these electrical impulses are going to accidentally
Speaker 1: take the wrong road and they're going to revisit something unexpected.
Speaker 1: That is normal. It's also a lot more common around
Speaker 1: like significant dates. So if it's a birthday or Valentine's
Speaker 1: Day or a former anniversary. It's also all the more
Speaker 1: common in what we know as the anniversary effect, so
Speaker 1: our recollection of painful or hard memories, our sense of longing,
Speaker 1: it does typically increase around significant dates and significant moments.
Speaker 1: I think this is especially the case, like around Christmas
Speaker 1: is one that people talk to me about, or around birthdays,
Speaker 1: where you're like, oh, last year I was with this
Speaker 1: person and I felt really really loved, and this year
Speaker 1: I'm not, and it just brings back a lot of
Speaker 1: the pain. I don't want you to see that as
Speaker 1: a reason that you are failing. I don't want you
Speaker 1: to think that that means you're losing progress. It is
Speaker 1: actually a souper's super super normal part of this journey,
Speaker 1: I really promise you. So my fourth tip is to
Speaker 1: share with your friends, share your commitment to go no
Speaker 1: contact or to maintain your no contact with people around
Speaker 1: you who you trust and who you no care about you,
Speaker 1: because they will help you stay accountable. This is kind
Speaker 1: of a rule of thumb. If you wouldn't tell your
Speaker 1: friends about something, So if you wouldn't tell them that you've,
Speaker 1: you know, chekily replied to somebody's story, or that you
Speaker 1: know emailed them, or that you had an accidental run
Speaker 1: in with them, Like, if you wouldn't tell them that,
Speaker 1: it's probably not the thing that you should be doing.
Speaker 1: It is probably the wrong decision. So when you do
Speaker 1: have those urges to reach out, because we will have
Speaker 1: them text and talk to your friends instead. So I
Speaker 1: had a friend who actually changed my name in her
Speaker 1: phone to her ex's name when she wanted to text him,
Speaker 1: and she would like message me all the things that
Speaker 1: she would want to say, like I'm so upset that
Speaker 1: you hurt me. You've really let me down, but I
Speaker 1: want to give you another chance. She would send that
Speaker 1: to me, and I would like reply as him and
Speaker 1: be super rational, and I would say what I knew
Speaker 1: she needed to hear, not what she wanted to hear.
Speaker 1: But what if I imagine what he would say that
Speaker 1: would convince her that that was a bad decision. And
Speaker 1: it worked. It sounds super bizarre, but it worked. Community,
Speaker 1: I think, is also just a valuable antidote to the
Speaker 1: general loneliness we may experience when we are so used
Speaker 1: to talking to our ex It is a compulsion, it
Speaker 1: is a habit. It can feel like a whole has
Speaker 1: been left in our life. Who are we going to
Speaker 1: share our everyday thoughts with? Who are we going to,
Speaker 1: you know, share our successes and our failures with. Who's
Speaker 1: going to celebrate us? Who is going to care about
Speaker 1: that small thing that you know, we saw on the
Speaker 1: bus or that happened at work. Your friends will tell
Speaker 1: them they want to hear from you. That is a
Speaker 1: way of making your relationship as strong as the one
Speaker 1: that you shared with this other person. Communication and vulnerability
Speaker 1: and letting them help you. Finally, my final tip for
Speaker 1: making no contact work, make the fortress impenetrable, leave no
Speaker 1: passage unblocked. There is no way for them to get in.
Speaker 1: Because if you leave a secret door open that only
Speaker 1: you know about, you are giving yourself the option to
Speaker 1: reach back out. You are creating also the false promise
Speaker 1: that if they wanted to get in touch with you,
Speaker 1: they could, And that is not the commitment that we
Speaker 1: are looking for. That is not being in one hundred
Speaker 1: percent Instagram, Facebook, email, text, Cut them all off, and
Speaker 1: if they do somehow find a way to reach out
Speaker 1: to you have something prepared to say. So I'm going
Speaker 1: to quote this article by the coach Matthew Hussey because
Speaker 1: I love what he had to say about this in
Speaker 1: a recent article. When somebody reaches back out, I think
Speaker 1: that is the time that it is the hardest because
Speaker 1: it's like they're right there. It's like putting a bowl
Speaker 1: of candy in front of a kid and saying, don't
Speaker 1: touch it, even though that's all they want to do.
Speaker 1: That is all you want to do right now. The
Speaker 1: thing you most want in the world is to hear
Speaker 1: from that person, because hearing from them is going to
Speaker 1: reignite so much that you actually did enjoy and that
Speaker 1: you are nostalgic about when it comes to your relationship.
Speaker 1: So it is very much like reopening an old wound,
Speaker 1: and then I think it just sets. It's just like
Speaker 1: a domino effect. Once you reply to one message being
Speaker 1: like yeah, hey, how are you, instead of just ignoring it,
Speaker 1: or instead of being like, hi, actually, I'm not looking
Speaker 1: to have any further communication with you. If you don't
Speaker 1: do that immediately, it's snowballs. It might just be a
Speaker 1: few messages, it might last an entire day. It might
Speaker 1: be the rekindling of a relationship that you are already
Speaker 1: know was not meant to be. So have something planned
Speaker 1: that you are going to say in response to those situations.
Speaker 1: Find something a specific affirmation or a mantra or whatever,
Speaker 1: some kind of motivation that's going to, you know, keep
Speaker 1: you focused on why this is important, why you wanted
Speaker 1: to do this in the first place. Maybe it is,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't want to have contact with this
Speaker 1: person because I know that by doing that I will
Speaker 1: leave space for somebody better to come into my life.
Speaker 1: Maybe it is you know, eventually this relationship is going
Speaker 1: to have to fade. I would rather it starts now
Speaker 1: than in three months. Six months a year. Whatever it
Speaker 1: is that is keeping you motivated, stay on it, stay focused.
Speaker 1: I'm sending you so much a love and strength because
Speaker 1: I know this is really hard. This person probably meant
Speaker 1: so much to you. They probably were somebody that you
Speaker 1: really cared about. And nobody goes in to the start
Speaker 1: of a relationship with anybody, romantic, platonic, anything, imagining the ending,
Speaker 1: and so when we do find ourselves there, it just
Speaker 1: seems that any way to cope is something that we
Speaker 1: have to try. And I do think that this is
Speaker 1: one of the better ways. This is one of the healthier,
Speaker 1: most sustainable ways of finding peace, finding closure, taking your
Speaker 1: life back for yourself. So there is not that cloud
Speaker 1: lingering over your head of what if or what next?
Speaker 1: Or is there a future for us? You have closed
Speaker 1: that door for good, for good. You're not opening it again.
Speaker 1: As hard as that might be. It will get easier,
Speaker 1: I promise you, it will get easier, and you will
Speaker 1: find somebody better, and you will find somebody who you
Speaker 1: never have to consider this possibility with. So thank you
Speaker 1: so much for listening to today's episode. I really do
Speaker 1: hope that you enjoyed, and I'm sure that if you've
Speaker 1: listened this far, you're probably really going through it right now,
Speaker 1: so I really really empathize with you, and I sympathize
Speaker 1: for you. It is tough. Do not let yourself feel
Speaker 1: any differently, and I'm sending lots of love. It's going
Speaker 1: to be okay. Make sure that if you enjoyed this episode,
Speaker 1: or if there's somebody who you know might relate to this,
Speaker 1: send it to them, send them a link and might
Speaker 1: be able to help them out. Make sure that you
Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever
Speaker 1: you are listening right now, and that you are following
Speaker 1: along so that you never miss a new episode. And
Speaker 1: as I mentioned at the start, we do have our
Speaker 1: new series of notebooks live now on the website. Make
Speaker 1: sure you check it out, make sure you get your
Speaker 1: hands on it. If you're looking for a place to
Speaker 1: write your deepest, darkest secrets, I think that might just
Speaker 1: be it. That might just be where you can do it.
Speaker 1: Until next time, thank you for listening, Be kind, be
Speaker 1: gentle with yourself, and we will talk soon.