1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:25,439 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,920 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,360 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we of 8 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:40,640 Speaker 1: course break down the Psychology of our twenties. Now, before 9 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 1: we get into it, I have a really, really cool announcement. 10 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 1: We have just launched our first ever line of notebooks, 11 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:53,120 Speaker 1: the perfect companion to the podcast. If you want to 12 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 1: take notes while you listen to this episode, if you 13 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,480 Speaker 1: want to journal about what you're discovering about yourself, what 14 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: you're learning, these notebooks are perfect. They were done in 15 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: collaboration with an incredible Bristol based illustrator called Rosy Pink. 16 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 1: If you follow me on Instagram, you will know that 17 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,680 Speaker 1: I have been a fan of her work for many, 18 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:16,479 Speaker 1: many years, and we finally got the opportunity to collaborate 19 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:20,120 Speaker 1: and to create something that we really truly love. You 20 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,200 Speaker 1: guys are always asking me for ways that you can 21 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,760 Speaker 1: support the podcast. I want to keep this completely free, 22 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: but if you do feel cold to do so, and 23 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: if you are in need of a notebook, which you 24 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,440 Speaker 1: can never have too many of, please see the link 25 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,320 Speaker 1: in the episode description or on our Shopify account. I'm 26 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 1: so excited for this. It's like super high quality. Of course, 27 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,039 Speaker 1: we weren't going to make something terrible that you're going 28 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,560 Speaker 1: to spend your good old fashioned money on. So have 29 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 1: a look see if they poke your interests. They're gorgeous, 30 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 1: they are well made, and they were made with love. 31 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 1: So now let's get into the episode. One of the 32 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: inevitable aspects of this decade I think of simply being 33 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,480 Speaker 1: human is that there will come a time when we 34 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:10,959 Speaker 1: consciously and deliberately need to separate and move on from 35 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,320 Speaker 1: somebody that we once loved, whether that is a friend 36 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: or an ex, somebody else in our lives, a family member, 37 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 1: for example. I think it is one of those really 38 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 1: sad universal truths of kind of humanity. Not all relationships 39 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 1: are meant to last, not all of them can kind 40 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 1: of withstand the test of time, and in order for 41 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:37,720 Speaker 1: us to really truly move on, sometimes we do need 42 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,600 Speaker 1: a total break from that person to fully heal and 43 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:47,120 Speaker 1: to finally process what we experienced. Relationships they break, they 44 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,880 Speaker 1: fall apart, and I think whilst we may have imagined 45 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: that this person would have been in our life forever, 46 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: maybe we always knew it was going to end this way. 47 00:02:56,040 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 1: The conclusion of a relationship is a really mess and 48 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:05,280 Speaker 1: confusing time, and sometimes the only way forward, the only 49 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:09,760 Speaker 1: way to stop getting drawn back in, to stop compulsively 50 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 1: checking on them, to allow your self closure, is to 51 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:19,440 Speaker 1: go no contact. No contact. This method of separating ourselves 52 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: and cutting off all kind of communication with somebody post breakup, 53 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 1: post argument, post conflict. It's really seen a rise in 54 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 1: popularity and arise in supporters, and I want to talk 55 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 1: about it today. What exactly is no contact? What are 56 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 1: the rules, how does it actually work, why is it 57 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: so effective, why is it necessary? And how can we 58 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: actually stay committed to ow I guess commitment to seeing 59 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 1: this person fade from our lives and fade from our future. 60 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,880 Speaker 1: It's a really sad and scary reality that you know 61 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 1: there might come a time where this person just can't 62 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 1: be the person that we want them to be, and 63 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: we do need to let ourselves and let them move on. 64 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: So this is kind of your ultimate guide to no contact, 65 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:13,320 Speaker 1: how it works, why it works, and how you can 66 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 1: implement it now. I will say some people don't necessarily 67 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,479 Speaker 1: agree with me when I say that no contact is 68 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 1: the answer. In fact, I think I would have previously 69 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:26,719 Speaker 1: disagreed with myself. You know, if you had asked me 70 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 1: two years ago whether you could stay in touch with 71 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 1: an ex or repair a severely broken bond with a friend, 72 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: I would have said yes. I would have said that 73 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: that is the mature thing to do, that it showed growth. 74 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 1: I even did an episode with my ex boyfriend a 75 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:48,920 Speaker 1: few years back. It sounds insane, it's still up if 76 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 1: you want to go and find it, but we essentially 77 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,919 Speaker 1: discussed how we were still friends, how we were so 78 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:59,160 Speaker 1: mature for maintaining the relationship, surprise, surprise, we no longer are, 79 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 1: and I think no contact was the way that that 80 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:06,839 Speaker 1: inevitably came to an end. Different things obviously work for 81 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,839 Speaker 1: different people, but I think with relationships, and with ex's 82 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:13,359 Speaker 1: in particular, one of the reasons that we stay in 83 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,640 Speaker 1: touch that we don't go no contact is because we 84 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:21,920 Speaker 1: aren't actually completely ready to move on. Even if we 85 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: think that we are. This person is kind of always 86 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,920 Speaker 1: there they're always ready to come back into our lives. 87 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 1: We are always ready to let them back in our 88 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: lives because they remain an option to us. But I 89 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,200 Speaker 1: think when we allow these people who we know should 90 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,039 Speaker 1: not be, you know that they are not going to 91 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: create a fulfilling future for us. That they just aren't 92 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: right for us. They've caused us pain. When we allow 93 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 1: them to stay in our lives, they take up valuable mental, social, 94 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: physical space. I think the same goes for friendships that 95 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,160 Speaker 1: have turned sour when we keep giving people second chances, 96 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 1: when we that they will change when we let them 97 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,320 Speaker 1: overstep boundaries. Eventually we do have to make a tough decision, 98 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,039 Speaker 1: and hopefully a permanent one, to no longer allow them 99 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 1: access to us. I don't think that it's an easy 100 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: or a light decision to come by. I don't think 101 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,239 Speaker 1: that Personally. I'm somebody who could sit here and say, 102 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 1: if you have any kind of conflict or disagreement with somebody, 103 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,160 Speaker 1: cut them out. They're not good for you, because that 104 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: is quite an unhealthy and unsustainable thing to do. But 105 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: I think personally, the more that I've matured and grown, 106 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:37,560 Speaker 1: the more that I've understood that, especially in the aftermath 107 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 1: of a really intense, serious breakup. One of the only 108 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,560 Speaker 1: ways to find closure is to see this person exit 109 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,800 Speaker 1: your life permanently and for you to be committed to 110 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,160 Speaker 1: that decision. The more that I've kind of realized that 111 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 1: no contact when it's possible, when there are no kids 112 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,840 Speaker 1: or pets involved, or you're not working together, whatever it is, 113 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,719 Speaker 1: no contact is the best option. And a lot of 114 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 1: the psychology kind of proves it as well. And it 115 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,960 Speaker 1: doesn't just prove that it's maybe just good for you 116 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: on an emotional level, but it also proves that it 117 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: actually lessens the time that it's going to take for 118 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: you to move on and to be open to new 119 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 1: people entering your lives, whether that is platonically or romantically. 120 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 1: So let's talk about it today. Let's get into it. 121 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: For those of us who are unfamiliar with this method, 122 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: no contact is essentially what it sounds like. It involves 123 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 1: cutting off all communication with somebody following some kind of 124 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: breakdown in the relationship. Normally that is a breakup. Something 125 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:51,400 Speaker 1: has occurred that has made you realize that the relationship 126 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: is beyond repair. It could even be months years after 127 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: the breakup where you've just realized that you are not 128 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 1: at the point of recovery that you need to be 129 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,840 Speaker 1: because you keep letting this person back in, because you 130 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: are maintaining some kind of communication with them that is 131 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 1: not letting you heal. So no contact is this kind 132 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,720 Speaker 1: of realization that we have that there needs to be 133 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:24,640 Speaker 1: a final and very much resolute separation from this person. Now, 134 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: when I say cutting off all contact, we are not 135 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,760 Speaker 1: just talking about, you know, avoiding running into them or 136 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:34,440 Speaker 1: blocking their number, their social media, their email. We are 137 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: also talking about something that is not often included, which 138 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 1: is preventing yourself from following up with mutual friends. I 139 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: think we often tend to focus on specifically the communication 140 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 1: between just us and this one other person, and when 141 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: we limit that, we are going no contact. But the 142 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 1: purpose of this method is to essentially allow somebody else 143 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: to fade from your life in the most efficient way possible, 144 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:02,080 Speaker 1: to put up that strong boundary. And when we keep 145 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,559 Speaker 1: asking people around us if they've heard anything, if they 146 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: know what's going on in that other person's life, you 147 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,120 Speaker 1: know whether they're dating anybody, whether they're sad or they 148 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:14,400 Speaker 1: miss us touching base with our mutual friends about their 149 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 1: existence and their wellbeing and their whereabouts. I think that 150 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:21,560 Speaker 1: really defeats the purpose. It can also really undo so 151 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: much of the effort that we've already put into detach. Right, 152 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 1: you know, we've done all the other things correctly. We 153 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 1: don't have any direct contact with this person, but that 154 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: indirect contact still counts. It still activates all those old memories, 155 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:43,080 Speaker 1: It still keeps the memory of this person very much 156 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:47,120 Speaker 1: active and present in your life. That doesn't mean that you, 157 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,080 Speaker 1: of course have to remove anybody that has any connection 158 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:55,080 Speaker 1: to this person, otherwise you risk falling into temptation. More 159 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,960 Speaker 1: so than I think, we need to be conscious of 160 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,320 Speaker 1: the ways that we are replacing the direct contact that 161 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,320 Speaker 1: we crave with this with our ex, with our old friend, 162 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,679 Speaker 1: were replacing that direct contact with secondary contact, and it's 163 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:11,560 Speaker 1: still fulfilling that main function and purpose, which is that 164 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:14,840 Speaker 1: we feel connected to them in some way. It is 165 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 1: such a crucial element that I think we often forget. 166 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: Myself included at times. I remember going like no contact 167 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 1: with an X maybe three years back, but I remained 168 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: very much attached, and I really clung onto the friendships 169 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: that I had with his housemates and the friends that 170 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,240 Speaker 1: we had made together, and I eventually really realized that 171 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 1: I was using a lot of our interactions to speak 172 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,400 Speaker 1: about him rather than actually focus on the other person 173 00:10:44,559 --> 00:10:49,200 Speaker 1: and the friendship that we had built independent of my ex. 174 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,839 Speaker 1: One thing that I think we know about no contact 175 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 1: is that it requires a whole lot of commitment. It 176 00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:00,719 Speaker 1: is not for the fainthearted. Somebody actually said it to 177 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 1: me this way the other day. No contact involves treating 178 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,439 Speaker 1: this other person as if they've died. That is how 179 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: intense it can be and the level of discipline that 180 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,679 Speaker 1: it can take. You kind of have to imagine that 181 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 1: even if you wanted to reach out, you couldn't. And 182 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,480 Speaker 1: I also think that this way of seeing things that 183 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:26,319 Speaker 1: there is absolutely no possibility of communicating going forward helps 184 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,079 Speaker 1: us justify our grief as well. It stops us from 185 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: feeling a lot of disenfranchised grief that we shouldn't be feeling, sad, 186 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,600 Speaker 1: that we should be over it by now that this 187 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,000 Speaker 1: isn't a big deal. When we treat it like no, 188 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: this person is forever out of my life, we are 189 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,960 Speaker 1: allowed to really feel the pain that I think we 190 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: should be feeling at the end of any relationship. The 191 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,640 Speaker 1: level though of discipline and control that that takes and 192 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,360 Speaker 1: knowing how finite that decision will probably be is what 193 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,080 Speaker 1: keeps a lot of us from ever thinking that we 194 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:03,960 Speaker 1: could do it, from trying every other possible solution, trying 195 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: to be friends before we finally get to that point 196 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: where we know that there is no other option. I 197 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: also think that it's super normal sometimes to go back 198 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:17,640 Speaker 1: and forth right to unblock their number and then block 199 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: it again, to really fight the urge to reach out, 200 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: and then slip up and have to reinstitute that war 201 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: between you two human relationships, especially ones that are so 202 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 1: deep and passionate and emotional that they would require this 203 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,560 Speaker 1: amount of drastic action. They're complicated, and they contain a 204 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: lot of contradictory emotions anger one minute, nostalgia the next, 205 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: grief one day, enjoy and gratitude tomorrow. So it can 206 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: be very hard to stay strong. It can be very 207 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 1: hard to be committed to this decision, because how you're 208 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: feeling about the situation right now might not be how 209 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,319 Speaker 1: you're feeling about it tomorrow when you miss this person 210 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:06,880 Speaker 1: beyond belief, beyond anything that you have felt. But personally, 211 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,480 Speaker 1: I do think that this period of no contact is 212 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 1: almost necessary to completely heal in men. It provides us 213 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: with the emotional, mental, social, and importantly the physical space 214 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,520 Speaker 1: to a actually process our experience with them, be good 215 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: and the bad, and b come to terms with the 216 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 1: reality that this person is no longer going to be 217 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 1: part of our life in the same way, and that 218 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 1: is what it's going to be going forward. That is 219 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,920 Speaker 1: something that we cannot change if we have decided that 220 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,200 Speaker 1: we cannot be in a relationship with this person, if 221 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:47,800 Speaker 1: they've decided it for us. Part of that future, that 222 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 1: future path that we are now on is you know, 223 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,640 Speaker 1: a path towards never speaking again. And I think no 224 00:13:55,880 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: contact gets us comfortable with that reality a lot. Here's 225 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 1: kind of how I like to see it and how 226 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 1: I've justified it actually to myself in the past. The 227 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,079 Speaker 1: end of a relationship is always going to hurt. The 228 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:14,760 Speaker 1: pain of detaching from someone is going to be intense, 229 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:19,440 Speaker 1: no matter which way you square it. But that pain 230 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 1: can exist for a longer period of time, for a 231 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: year or more at like fifty percent intensity, or it 232 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 1: can exist at one hundred percent intensity but only for 233 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: a couple of months. It really depends on whether you 234 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 1: are ready to heal or endure the separation over a 235 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,360 Speaker 1: longer timeline, or whether you are ready to bite the 236 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 1: bullet and yes, experience the intensity of all of that grief, 237 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: all of that rage, all of that recovery at once, 238 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,080 Speaker 1: rather than keeping yourself still kind of attached to them 239 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: just because it makes it feel easier in the moment. 240 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 1: So my other argument for no contact is that it 241 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:10,080 Speaker 1: also stops us from sliding back into the relationship during 242 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 1: that very vulnerable period where we do just genuinely want somebody, 243 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 1: And when that's somebody is somebody that we are already 244 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,480 Speaker 1: familiar with and that we already know and that we 245 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 1: know is available, it's so much easier to backside. No 246 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 1: contact is basically you saying no, this is an absolute decision, 247 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: And I think it's a lot harder for you to 248 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 1: turn around and be like, no, just kidding, I change 249 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,240 Speaker 1: my mind, because you can't really justify that to your 250 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 1: past version of yourself. You can't justify that to your 251 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,440 Speaker 1: current version of yourself, who knows in the back of 252 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,880 Speaker 1: their mind that there was a reason that we decided 253 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 1: to be this drastic about our efforts. So the final 254 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: reason I think that no contact is powerful is because 255 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:01,480 Speaker 1: it lets us provide ourselves with closure, rather than waiting 256 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,840 Speaker 1: on somebody else to do it for us. It lets 257 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,800 Speaker 1: us essentially take matters into our own hands. If this 258 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: person is still stringing you along, you know, hitting you 259 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,920 Speaker 1: up every now and again, if you're still waiting for 260 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 1: a message or relying on them when you know that 261 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 1: you can't. No contact gives you the power to close 262 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: that chapter for yourself. It is such a decisive and 263 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:29,080 Speaker 1: strong way of saying I'm done. I'm over this, like 264 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: this is done, and I have made that decision for 265 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 1: both of us. I am putting all of the memories, 266 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,240 Speaker 1: our bond, our love that is now in the past, 267 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: and my future is just kind of me, myself and 268 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,240 Speaker 1: I and I'm going to move forward without you beside me. 269 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: I think it's also especially powerful for breaking really painful 270 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: and toxic cycles of like distancing ourselves for a couple 271 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:58,760 Speaker 1: of weeks and then going back because no contact is 272 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: quite permanent, right, it's really enough is enough, that's it. 273 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 1: I'm doing what is best for me. It is a 274 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: hard boundary rather than like a soft permission slip of 275 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: like maybe if you like text me at two am, 276 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,880 Speaker 1: this could be a thing. It's like no, you can't 277 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,640 Speaker 1: even text me. This is not even a remote possibility. 278 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:26,119 Speaker 1: So why does this work? So many people, including myself obviously, 279 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 1: are such huge proponents of this method for really detaching 280 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 1: and finally ending things. There has to be some evidence 281 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,040 Speaker 1: for it. There has to be more than just anecdotal 282 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:41,800 Speaker 1: evidence that this is effective and efficient. Of course, I 283 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 1: had to find the science for you, guys. Couldn't just 284 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 1: give you empty advice without the psychology. So to understand this, 285 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 1: we really need to comprehend the psychology and the biology 286 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 1: of attachment. And it starts with how we initially fell 287 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,720 Speaker 1: in love with this person. So when we begin to 288 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: get close to someone, especially intimately, whether that is emotional, 289 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: physical intimacy, even in intellectual intimacy, our brain releases oxytocin. 290 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,959 Speaker 1: This is known as the love or the bonding hormone, 291 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:18,159 Speaker 1: and the function of this hormone is to promote trust, 292 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:22,280 Speaker 1: to promote safety, security, and it's really crucial. It is 293 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:27,719 Speaker 1: like the biological building block for asserting and creating and 294 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:32,080 Speaker 1: constructing relationships. So it's kind of what binds a lot 295 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,400 Speaker 1: of us together. The other thing to know about oxytocin 296 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,960 Speaker 1: is that it is often released in tandem in parallel 297 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,520 Speaker 1: to other hormones and neurotransmitters that we associate with pleasure 298 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,960 Speaker 1: and happiness and love. I'm talking about dopamine and serotonin, 299 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:52,680 Speaker 1: of course, the two famous ones. There have been some studies, 300 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 1: including one published in twenty seventeen, that suggest that the 301 00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:01,480 Speaker 1: chemical reaction produced by this cocktail of hormones and chemicals 302 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:05,439 Speaker 1: and neurotransmitters that is associated with falling in love is 303 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:09,320 Speaker 1: a lot similar to the same chemical process that occurs 304 00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:14,720 Speaker 1: when we become addicted to a substance. It's thrilling, it's exhilarating. 305 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:19,680 Speaker 1: It you know, consumes our rational brain and it gets 306 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:25,159 Speaker 1: us hooked. Not only is oxytocin just a really nice 307 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,160 Speaker 1: hormone to experience, not only does it make us feel 308 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:32,399 Speaker 1: really good, it is also habit forming because it is 309 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:36,040 Speaker 1: such a pleasurable experience. When the release of oxytosin is 310 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:39,840 Speaker 1: paired with some event or stimuli or a person like 311 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,120 Speaker 1: an ex boyfriend, an ex girlfriend, an ex partner, we 312 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:48,159 Speaker 1: begin to associate this person with all of those amazing 313 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,840 Speaker 1: feelings that we are chasing, and so when we want 314 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: to hit of that same great feeling, we seek them out. 315 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: They kind of become like our drug dealer. All of 316 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:01,880 Speaker 1: this is what contributes to the density of the early 317 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 1: stages of a relationship, but also like the comfort and 318 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 1: the warmth of love. Now, when things start to turn sour, 319 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,359 Speaker 1: it is not like that love fades overnight. What we 320 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:18,040 Speaker 1: start to see is I think a general gradual decline, 321 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 1: but also an unstable association between all of those nice 322 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 1: feelings and that person, but also a new set of feelings, 323 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:32,000 Speaker 1: feelings of sadness, feelings of worry, feelings of longing, despair, unfulfillment, 324 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 1: and so we don't really know whether this next interaction 325 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,720 Speaker 1: we have with them is going to produce the feelings 326 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,680 Speaker 1: that we want to be having, which is the feelings 327 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:44,400 Speaker 1: of love, or the feelings that make us distressed and 328 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: feeling rejected and uncomfortable. Despite that, it might not be 329 00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 1: all bad, right, It's just that there is this the 330 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,119 Speaker 1: bad experiences begin to outweigh the positive ones. That's often 331 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,720 Speaker 1: what leads to a breakup. But it doesn't mean that 332 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,520 Speaker 1: they're isn't still like a baseline of feeling, there is 333 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 1: obviously going to be like a maintaining level of positive 334 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:12,920 Speaker 1: neurological and biological reactions going about below the surface, even 335 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,800 Speaker 1: if they are not the majority, there is still some 336 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 1: part of us that remains attached and bonded to this person, 337 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,640 Speaker 1: even if things, you know, start to become shaky, because 338 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:26,080 Speaker 1: we have that history. So when we break up, when 339 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,680 Speaker 1: we realize that this person is not for us, or 340 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,359 Speaker 1: when they break up with us, perhaps out of the blue, 341 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,000 Speaker 1: perhaps we didn't want it to occur. On a conscious level, 342 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,679 Speaker 1: we kind of know that things have obviously changed. Like 343 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: we were present for this experience, we are feeling distressed, 344 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:48,040 Speaker 1: but our neurotransmitters don't know that. Our dopamine receptors don't 345 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,800 Speaker 1: know that, and so it's not like the tap is 346 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: suddenly turned off for our brain. It's not like the 347 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 1: moment we've broken up with somebody or the moment a 348 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,159 Speaker 1: relationship has ended, our brain goes, all right, let's just 349 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,919 Speaker 1: shuttle that down and get them back to normal. What 350 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,159 Speaker 1: is happening is that there is still this urge and 351 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: this craving and this desire for the kind of positive, 352 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: happy chemicals and hormones that this person was previously eliciting. 353 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,760 Speaker 1: But there is no longer a catalyst for those reactions 354 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: because this person is no longer in your life. That 355 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,439 Speaker 1: is part of why breakups are so painful, because the 356 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:31,040 Speaker 1: urge to stay connected to this person is still being 357 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,840 Speaker 1: triggered by our craving and our desire for all these 358 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: good experiences. And it's also still being triggered because we 359 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:41,920 Speaker 1: have probably formed a whole series of habits and behaviors 360 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 1: around seeking love out from this individual. That's really why 361 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,920 Speaker 1: in the weeks, in the early months after a breakup, 362 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 1: after the end of a relationship, it's especially hard because 363 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:58,560 Speaker 1: we are essentially rewiring our brain to not need them anymore. 364 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,760 Speaker 1: Here's the though. Anytime you reach out, you get that 365 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,879 Speaker 1: spike again. When you see them out in public, you 366 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,640 Speaker 1: are immediately transported back into how great it felt, and 367 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:15,639 Speaker 1: so you are getting just enough to maintain those previous 368 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: neural pathways that were kind of formed in like the 369 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:25,280 Speaker 1: era of your love story. Those connections are still maintained 370 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,680 Speaker 1: by those small text messages that you sometimes get when 371 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: you sleep with each other, like every now and again, 372 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,720 Speaker 1: when you still get that you know, Instagram DM from them, 373 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:39,120 Speaker 1: and you like, your attention is immediately grabbed and you're 374 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:44,040 Speaker 1: immediately feeling like loved and wanted again. All of that, 375 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,639 Speaker 1: all of those kind of small moments in which we 376 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,960 Speaker 1: are yet to completely break off contact with somebody where 377 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,960 Speaker 1: they are still in our lives. That is keeping us 378 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:58,920 Speaker 1: hooked on them. It is what we call unpredictable reward. 379 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,200 Speaker 1: We don't know and we're going to get it. But 380 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:05,679 Speaker 1: by keeping those communication and contact channels and pathways open, 381 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,720 Speaker 1: we still expect that we're going to get something from 382 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,160 Speaker 1: that person, that there could come a time when they 383 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,120 Speaker 1: will light us up again, when we will get their affection, 384 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,760 Speaker 1: when they will want to speak to us, and so 385 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 1: all of that emotion, all of that connection and attachment, 386 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,479 Speaker 1: although on a rational and very self aware level, we 387 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,879 Speaker 1: know the relationship is over, by continuing to put ourselves 388 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 1: in situations where that person is still in our life, 389 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,600 Speaker 1: even in a small capacity, we are not letting our 390 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:42,959 Speaker 1: brain recover. And so no contact is really the solution 391 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:47,680 Speaker 1: here because it firstly stops temptation, but it also acts 392 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:53,000 Speaker 1: as a complete detox. It's very much a cold Turkey move. 393 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,120 Speaker 1: I like this concept of a detox a lot when 394 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,680 Speaker 1: explaining this, because that is essentially what is happening. This 395 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:04,760 Speaker 1: process of going no contact is a process of removing 396 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,680 Speaker 1: something from your mind, from your life, from your body 397 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,200 Speaker 1: that you no longer want present. It is this purifying, 398 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:19,840 Speaker 1: cleansing process of really detoxing your life of this person 399 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:24,800 Speaker 1: and hopefully coming out cleaner, coming out better, coming out happier. 400 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,160 Speaker 1: You're physically removing this person from your life right by 401 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,199 Speaker 1: removing opportunities for them to stay in touch with you 402 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,600 Speaker 1: and for you to stay in touch with them. But 403 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,959 Speaker 1: you're also essentially getting used to the fact that you 404 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,080 Speaker 1: can feel good, and you can feel happy, and you 405 00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:48,639 Speaker 1: can have intimate, loving feelings without them. It also stops 406 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,800 Speaker 1: the yo yoing, the back and forth that keeps you 407 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: hung up. It stops the confusion, and it lets the 408 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,640 Speaker 1: cycle break. Like I just said, it means that when 409 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,359 Speaker 1: previously you were seeking out all of those positive feelings 410 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:07,320 Speaker 1: and emotions and reactions from this person, no contact means 411 00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 1: that you have no other option but to find these 412 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:17,639 Speaker 1: necessities somewhere else, hopefully in yourself first, but then eventually 413 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:22,359 Speaker 1: in other people, maybe eventually in a better partner making 414 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,919 Speaker 1: space like that, getting clear on the fact that holding 415 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,720 Speaker 1: onto this person is not what is best for you, 416 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:33,440 Speaker 1: I think really allows you to let peace into your 417 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:38,800 Speaker 1: life and to get control back over that situation and 418 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:42,840 Speaker 1: back over the kind of reactions and emotional reactions in 419 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:46,280 Speaker 1: particular that you can't stop yourself from having. You can't 420 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,479 Speaker 1: stop yourself from wanting this person. You can't undo the past, 421 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,880 Speaker 1: but you can control how you react to those circumstances 422 00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: and how much access this person continues to have and 423 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,560 Speaker 1: how much access you give yourself to them. So I think, 424 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,000 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, like the main reason 425 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 1: why no contact work is no contact works is because 426 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,000 Speaker 1: it breaks the neurological cycle of attachment. But it also 427 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,080 Speaker 1: stops you from being confused. It rids you of the 428 00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: temptation of going back to this person who you cannot 429 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,720 Speaker 1: be with for whatever reason, and it lets you be 430 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:27,159 Speaker 1: kind of undistracted and undeterred. It doesn't mean that you 431 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:32,119 Speaker 1: just continually elongate the detachment and the breakup process just 432 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,160 Speaker 1: because it is easier to do it slower, but it 433 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,400 Speaker 1: means that it lasts longer and that eventually there will 434 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,479 Speaker 1: come a time where you do have to accept that 435 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,000 Speaker 1: your relationship is not what it once was and it 436 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:47,800 Speaker 1: is time to move on. So that is essentially my 437 00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,720 Speaker 1: reasoning for why this is such an effective method. But 438 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:55,479 Speaker 1: how do we do it successfully? How do we stay 439 00:27:56,040 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 1: strong and committed despite all of the things in us, 440 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:06,000 Speaker 1: all of the mental compulsions to reach out, all of 441 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,440 Speaker 1: the desires to have this person back in our lives 442 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:13,040 Speaker 1: in some capacity. Well, we are going to talk about 443 00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 1: all of that and more after this shortbreak. So I 444 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,840 Speaker 1: think I've given you my most compelling argument for why 445 00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:29,360 Speaker 1: you should go no contact, especially with an X, and 446 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,680 Speaker 1: some of the reasons and the science and the psychology 447 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 1: that tells us why it works. But I think just 448 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,720 Speaker 1: saying it doesn't make it easy. A few years ago, 449 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,280 Speaker 1: I was seeing this person pretty casually for like four months, 450 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:45,840 Speaker 1: but they had a really significant emotional impact on me, 451 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,480 Speaker 1: I think just because of the timing and everything that 452 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,680 Speaker 1: I was going through. And they were also just not 453 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,440 Speaker 1: somebody that I should have had in my life. They 454 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:57,680 Speaker 1: were not a kind person, and I eventually realized that 455 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,440 Speaker 1: it was a pretty terrible situation. I needed to cut 456 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 1: him off. But the number of times I blocked and 457 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: deleted his number and then would unblock him or would 458 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:11,640 Speaker 1: reply to his messages on Instagram wherever, you would have 459 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 1: thought that nothing had changed. And it took me, I 460 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:18,360 Speaker 1: think two to three whole months to really finally quit 461 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 1: that situation. And to really go cold turkey. So that 462 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,720 Speaker 1: is just one of the situations where I've really applied 463 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 1: this rule, obviously not very well. But I do have 464 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 1: some advice that I've learned from my failures. I guess 465 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,760 Speaker 1: not my failures. I have some advice that I've learned 466 00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:41,760 Speaker 1: from my missteps and from my learning experience. So here 467 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:45,040 Speaker 1: are five I think of my best tips and principles 468 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:51,320 Speaker 1: for successful no contact. Firstly, try just twenty one days 469 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:55,440 Speaker 1: of no contact first straight after a breakup, before going 470 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,560 Speaker 1: all in. I think this gives us an adjustment period 471 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 1: to really refin and what we want going forward, and 472 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:06,280 Speaker 1: just taking that three weeks to get an immediate distance 473 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: to really process our emotions. I think it's also important 474 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,640 Speaker 1: because it gives us space before we do something impulsive 475 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:15,720 Speaker 1: that will regret. Sometimes, you know, when we're in that 476 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:19,680 Speaker 1: highly emotional and volatile state, sometimes you know, we don't 477 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 1: always do what is right. Sometimes we are not able 478 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,680 Speaker 1: to put in the boundaries that we know what we 479 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,640 Speaker 1: are going to need later on. Sometimes it is messy 480 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 1: and confusing, and we get back together with them and 481 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,600 Speaker 1: then we break up with them again. Giving yourself that 482 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:38,120 Speaker 1: three weeks of distance straight after an incredibly emotionally intense situation. 483 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,720 Speaker 1: Lets you get clear and for practical reasons, right like, 484 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:45,160 Speaker 1: it's only three weeks. You guys can come back together 485 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 1: and have a conversation. You might have like items or 486 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:52,280 Speaker 1: things to give back, ground rules to apply, but you've 487 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,000 Speaker 1: still given yourself like a bit of a head start, 488 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,560 Speaker 1: and you can still see that you know you can 489 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 1: live without them. You did that three weeks, you can 490 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,000 Speaker 1: do another three weeks. You have breathing room and you 491 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:06,640 Speaker 1: have yeah, I guess practice and skill to see that 492 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: this is important and to see that you can live 493 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:14,400 Speaker 1: on your own and you can live without that connection. Secondly, 494 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,320 Speaker 1: treat no contact as a challenge and when you are 495 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,200 Speaker 1: really struggling, as we all do, just go for one 496 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:25,040 Speaker 1: more hour, go for one more minute, even when it's 497 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 1: really hard. I think that saying goes it's something like 498 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,960 Speaker 1: you can do you can do anything for thirty seconds 499 00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:36,840 Speaker 1: when that temptation to reach out to them is really overpowering, 500 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:39,280 Speaker 1: just focus on the thirty seconds in front of you, 501 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 1: and then the next thirty and then the next thirty 502 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 1: before like the craving and the urge dissipates. The other 503 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,200 Speaker 1: piece of advice I have that's related to this is 504 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,240 Speaker 1: to download a sobriety app. Now, I know this sounds 505 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,640 Speaker 1: so strange, but there are apps out there that track 506 00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,920 Speaker 1: your progress when it comes to quitting alcohol, quitting drugs, 507 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:05,840 Speaker 1: quitting substances. We can also use that for people. It 508 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:09,040 Speaker 1: keeps you focused on the time you have already put 509 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:13,680 Speaker 1: into removing yourself. It keeps you focused on the progress 510 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,200 Speaker 1: that you are making that you don't want to undo 511 00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:19,840 Speaker 1: in a moment of weakness, and it really I think 512 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:24,880 Speaker 1: makes it feel more like a challenge than a chore. 513 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:29,640 Speaker 1: Eventually as well, speaking from experience, it's something that you 514 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 1: just don't even check, you don't even care. And I 515 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,320 Speaker 1: think that moment when you're like, oh, I'm not looking 516 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:38,080 Speaker 1: at the minutes that we spent a part ticking by, 517 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:41,280 Speaker 1: I'm not looking at the hours we haven't spoken, you know, 518 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: floating into the ether, I don't care anymore, That is 519 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,719 Speaker 1: when you know that you've healed. I know that right now, 520 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,920 Speaker 1: the possibility of that reality, the possibility of no longer 521 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:57,040 Speaker 1: even caring about what that person is doing or who 522 00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 1: they're with, you know, no longer being able to hear 523 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:02,680 Speaker 1: from that or touch them. Right now, that reality seems 524 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:08,560 Speaker 1: really devastating, but I think with time that sting will lessen. 525 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:12,040 Speaker 1: That doesn't necessarily mean that this process will be linear. 526 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,080 Speaker 1: I think for anybody who has been through a breakup, 527 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:19,560 Speaker 1: been through a friendship breakup, or a family estrangement, process 528 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:23,480 Speaker 1: is not linear. Each day it's not promised that it's 529 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:26,120 Speaker 1: going to be better than the last. I think that's 530 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:29,800 Speaker 1: a fact of life, is that grief does not know 531 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 1: any timeline but its own. However, I want you to 532 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,760 Speaker 1: remember that it is totally normal for that to be 533 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,840 Speaker 1: the case. It is totally normal to have a few 534 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,719 Speaker 1: weeks where you feel amazing and you feel great, and 535 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:46,240 Speaker 1: then just a day of just despair and grief and tears, 536 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,400 Speaker 1: even when you've been doing so well. So this brings 537 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,920 Speaker 1: me to my next tip. Don't be afraid of memory 538 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:57,760 Speaker 1: flare ups and don't let them undo your progress. Just 539 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:01,240 Speaker 1: because you're still thinking about them off going no contact 540 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,600 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you are failing, and it definitely doesn't mean 541 00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:11,560 Speaker 1: it's not working. Just because you find yourself fantasizing or 542 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:15,840 Speaker 1: daydreaming about the past doesn't mean that you should revisit it. 543 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,879 Speaker 1: I want you to remember that. I think we all 544 00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,960 Speaker 1: know that feeling of having like an eerily weird dream 545 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,760 Speaker 1: about an X and thinking that there is some deeper meaning. 546 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:30,080 Speaker 1: But there isn't. This. This is just your brain processing 547 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:35,000 Speaker 1: information and processing important memories. So there's a concept that 548 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:37,560 Speaker 1: I like to bring up when people talk to me 549 00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:40,040 Speaker 1: about this. You know, I had someone actually message me 550 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,080 Speaker 1: the other day and she was like, you know, it's 551 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:46,200 Speaker 1: been eight months since I've gone no contact, and I've 552 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,720 Speaker 1: just randomly in the last couple of weeks, I cannot 553 00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:54,759 Speaker 1: stop reliving things. I cannot stop thinking about her. So 554 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: this is a phenomenon known as mind pops, and it's 555 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:02,279 Speaker 1: super strange. Essentially, what happens is that you'll be going 556 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:06,200 Speaker 1: about your day, you're feeling amazing, and then this random 557 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:10,759 Speaker 1: memory or image will suddenly pop into your head for 558 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:14,279 Speaker 1: no specific reason, almost like a flashback. Now, there was 559 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,440 Speaker 1: an article written about this almost ten oh my gosh, 560 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,920 Speaker 1: twelve years ago. I was written in twenty twelve, so 561 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:23,560 Speaker 1: it was written by Scientific America. And the reason that 562 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,920 Speaker 1: this happens is not because you know it's a sign 563 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,880 Speaker 1: that somebody else is thinking about you. It's not because 564 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,560 Speaker 1: your brain knows something that you don't, or that it's 565 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:37,319 Speaker 1: fate or destiny. It's actually just a part of our 566 00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:41,120 Speaker 1: brain kind of cleaning out the filing cabinet. It's part 567 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:45,240 Speaker 1: of our brain just filtering through our semantic or autobiographical 568 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:48,320 Speaker 1: memories as it needs to do. You know, our brains 569 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:52,279 Speaker 1: are constantly working and going, and they're shooting energy and 570 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:57,080 Speaker 1: impulses across millions of neural connections. Sometimes it's you know 571 00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:02,560 Speaker 1: these connections. Sometimes these electrical impulses are going to accidentally 572 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:06,279 Speaker 1: take the wrong road and they're going to revisit something unexpected. 573 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,720 Speaker 1: That is normal. It's also a lot more common around 574 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:15,040 Speaker 1: like significant dates. So if it's a birthday or Valentine's 575 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:18,799 Speaker 1: Day or a former anniversary. It's also all the more 576 00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:22,080 Speaker 1: common in what we know as the anniversary effect, so 577 00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:27,200 Speaker 1: our recollection of painful or hard memories, our sense of longing, 578 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:32,759 Speaker 1: it does typically increase around significant dates and significant moments. 579 00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:36,680 Speaker 1: I think this is especially the case, like around Christmas 580 00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,160 Speaker 1: is one that people talk to me about, or around birthdays, 581 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:41,520 Speaker 1: where you're like, oh, last year I was with this 582 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:45,440 Speaker 1: person and I felt really really loved, and this year 583 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:49,360 Speaker 1: I'm not, and it just brings back a lot of 584 00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,520 Speaker 1: the pain. I don't want you to see that as 585 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,360 Speaker 1: a reason that you are failing. I don't want you 586 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:58,719 Speaker 1: to think that that means you're losing progress. It is 587 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:03,000 Speaker 1: actually a souper's super super normal part of this journey, 588 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:06,520 Speaker 1: I really promise you. So my fourth tip is to 589 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:10,040 Speaker 1: share with your friends, share your commitment to go no 590 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:14,560 Speaker 1: contact or to maintain your no contact with people around 591 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:17,239 Speaker 1: you who you trust and who you no care about you, 592 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:21,359 Speaker 1: because they will help you stay accountable. This is kind 593 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,319 Speaker 1: of a rule of thumb. If you wouldn't tell your 594 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:26,399 Speaker 1: friends about something, So if you wouldn't tell them that you've, 595 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:31,720 Speaker 1: you know, chekily replied to somebody's story, or that you 596 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,479 Speaker 1: know emailed them, or that you had an accidental run 597 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:37,279 Speaker 1: in with them, Like, if you wouldn't tell them that, 598 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:41,320 Speaker 1: it's probably not the thing that you should be doing. 599 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,840 Speaker 1: It is probably the wrong decision. So when you do 600 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:48,040 Speaker 1: have those urges to reach out, because we will have 601 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:51,719 Speaker 1: them text and talk to your friends instead. So I 602 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,080 Speaker 1: had a friend who actually changed my name in her 603 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,120 Speaker 1: phone to her ex's name when she wanted to text him, 604 00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,279 Speaker 1: and she would like message me all the things that 605 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,480 Speaker 1: she would want to say, like I'm so upset that 606 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,560 Speaker 1: you hurt me. You've really let me down, but I 607 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,680 Speaker 1: want to give you another chance. She would send that 608 00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:09,040 Speaker 1: to me, and I would like reply as him and 609 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,680 Speaker 1: be super rational, and I would say what I knew 610 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:13,680 Speaker 1: she needed to hear, not what she wanted to hear. 611 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,480 Speaker 1: But what if I imagine what he would say that 612 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,000 Speaker 1: would convince her that that was a bad decision. And 613 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:22,839 Speaker 1: it worked. It sounds super bizarre, but it worked. Community, 614 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,799 Speaker 1: I think, is also just a valuable antidote to the 615 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,960 Speaker 1: general loneliness we may experience when we are so used 616 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:32,759 Speaker 1: to talking to our ex It is a compulsion, it 617 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:36,080 Speaker 1: is a habit. It can feel like a whole has 618 00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:38,239 Speaker 1: been left in our life. Who are we going to 619 00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:40,800 Speaker 1: share our everyday thoughts with? Who are we going to, 620 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,120 Speaker 1: you know, share our successes and our failures with. Who's 621 00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:45,839 Speaker 1: going to celebrate us? Who is going to care about 622 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:47,400 Speaker 1: that small thing that you know, we saw on the 623 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:51,600 Speaker 1: bus or that happened at work. Your friends will tell 624 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: them they want to hear from you. That is a 625 00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:58,719 Speaker 1: way of making your relationship as strong as the one 626 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:04,000 Speaker 1: that you shared with this other person. Communication and vulnerability 627 00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:08,759 Speaker 1: and letting them help you. Finally, my final tip for 628 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:14,759 Speaker 1: making no contact work, make the fortress impenetrable, leave no 629 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:18,000 Speaker 1: passage unblocked. There is no way for them to get in. 630 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:22,160 Speaker 1: Because if you leave a secret door open that only 631 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:26,600 Speaker 1: you know about, you are giving yourself the option to 632 00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:30,960 Speaker 1: reach back out. You are creating also the false promise 633 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:32,960 Speaker 1: that if they wanted to get in touch with you, 634 00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:37,279 Speaker 1: they could, And that is not the commitment that we 635 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:40,120 Speaker 1: are looking for. That is not being in one hundred 636 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:45,040 Speaker 1: percent Instagram, Facebook, email, text, Cut them all off, and 637 00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:47,359 Speaker 1: if they do somehow find a way to reach out 638 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:50,839 Speaker 1: to you have something prepared to say. So I'm going 639 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:54,400 Speaker 1: to quote this article by the coach Matthew Hussey because 640 00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:56,560 Speaker 1: I love what he had to say about this in 641 00:39:56,600 --> 00:40:00,080 Speaker 1: a recent article. When somebody reaches back out, I think 642 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:03,280 Speaker 1: that is the time that it is the hardest because 643 00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:05,640 Speaker 1: it's like they're right there. It's like putting a bowl 644 00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:08,680 Speaker 1: of candy in front of a kid and saying, don't 645 00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:11,000 Speaker 1: touch it, even though that's all they want to do. 646 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,520 Speaker 1: That is all you want to do right now. The 647 00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,839 Speaker 1: thing you most want in the world is to hear 648 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:19,000 Speaker 1: from that person, because hearing from them is going to 649 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:23,440 Speaker 1: reignite so much that you actually did enjoy and that 650 00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:25,880 Speaker 1: you are nostalgic about when it comes to your relationship. 651 00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:30,320 Speaker 1: So it is very much like reopening an old wound, 652 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,880 Speaker 1: and then I think it just sets. It's just like 653 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:37,759 Speaker 1: a domino effect. Once you reply to one message being 654 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:41,000 Speaker 1: like yeah, hey, how are you, instead of just ignoring it, 655 00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:44,720 Speaker 1: or instead of being like, hi, actually, I'm not looking 656 00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:49,359 Speaker 1: to have any further communication with you. If you don't 657 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,520 Speaker 1: do that immediately, it's snowballs. It might just be a 658 00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:56,479 Speaker 1: few messages, it might last an entire day. It might 659 00:40:56,640 --> 00:41:00,360 Speaker 1: be the rekindling of a relationship that you are already 660 00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:04,480 Speaker 1: know was not meant to be. So have something planned 661 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:08,840 Speaker 1: that you are going to say in response to those situations. 662 00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:13,840 Speaker 1: Find something a specific affirmation or a mantra or whatever, 663 00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:17,120 Speaker 1: some kind of motivation that's going to, you know, keep 664 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:21,120 Speaker 1: you focused on why this is important, why you wanted 665 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,160 Speaker 1: to do this in the first place. Maybe it is, 666 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:26,880 Speaker 1: you know, I don't want to have contact with this 667 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,719 Speaker 1: person because I know that by doing that I will 668 00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:32,359 Speaker 1: leave space for somebody better to come into my life. 669 00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:36,239 Speaker 1: Maybe it is you know, eventually this relationship is going 670 00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:38,919 Speaker 1: to have to fade. I would rather it starts now 671 00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:42,480 Speaker 1: than in three months. Six months a year. Whatever it 672 00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:47,160 Speaker 1: is that is keeping you motivated, stay on it, stay focused. 673 00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:50,319 Speaker 1: I'm sending you so much a love and strength because 674 00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:53,600 Speaker 1: I know this is really hard. This person probably meant 675 00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,400 Speaker 1: so much to you. They probably were somebody that you 676 00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:00,560 Speaker 1: really cared about. And nobody goes in to the start 677 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:05,800 Speaker 1: of a relationship with anybody, romantic, platonic, anything, imagining the ending, 678 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:09,360 Speaker 1: and so when we do find ourselves there, it just 679 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,560 Speaker 1: seems that any way to cope is something that we 680 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,440 Speaker 1: have to try. And I do think that this is 681 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,880 Speaker 1: one of the better ways. This is one of the healthier, 682 00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:23,239 Speaker 1: most sustainable ways of finding peace, finding closure, taking your 683 00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:26,160 Speaker 1: life back for yourself. So there is not that cloud 684 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:30,880 Speaker 1: lingering over your head of what if or what next? 685 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,760 Speaker 1: Or is there a future for us? You have closed 686 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:38,440 Speaker 1: that door for good, for good. You're not opening it again. 687 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,280 Speaker 1: As hard as that might be. It will get easier, 688 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,520 Speaker 1: I promise you, it will get easier, and you will 689 00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,640 Speaker 1: find somebody better, and you will find somebody who you 690 00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:51,759 Speaker 1: never have to consider this possibility with. So thank you 691 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:55,200 Speaker 1: so much for listening to today's episode. I really do 692 00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:57,839 Speaker 1: hope that you enjoyed, and I'm sure that if you've 693 00:42:57,840 --> 00:43:00,720 Speaker 1: listened this far, you're probably really going through it right now, 694 00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:05,360 Speaker 1: so I really really empathize with you, and I sympathize 695 00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:08,400 Speaker 1: for you. It is tough. Do not let yourself feel 696 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:12,000 Speaker 1: any differently, and I'm sending lots of love. It's going 697 00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:15,480 Speaker 1: to be okay. Make sure that if you enjoyed this episode, 698 00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:18,319 Speaker 1: or if there's somebody who you know might relate to this, 699 00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,640 Speaker 1: send it to them, send them a link and might 700 00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:22,799 Speaker 1: be able to help them out. Make sure that you 701 00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:26,600 Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever 702 00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:29,040 Speaker 1: you are listening right now, and that you are following 703 00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:32,239 Speaker 1: along so that you never miss a new episode. And 704 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:35,160 Speaker 1: as I mentioned at the start, we do have our 705 00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:39,960 Speaker 1: new series of notebooks live now on the website. Make 706 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:41,759 Speaker 1: sure you check it out, make sure you get your 707 00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:44,120 Speaker 1: hands on it. If you're looking for a place to 708 00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:48,279 Speaker 1: write your deepest, darkest secrets, I think that might just 709 00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:50,239 Speaker 1: be it. That might just be where you can do it. 710 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:53,680 Speaker 1: Until next time, thank you for listening, Be kind, be 711 00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:56,520 Speaker 1: gentle with yourself, and we will talk soon.