WEBVTT - “I Felt Like an Alien Impersonating Myself” 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:15.396 Pushkin. 0:00:31.036 --> 0:00:32.556 All right, all right, welcome back. 0:00:32.676 --> 0:00:37.636 Make some noise. We're backing on our fest. Hey, it's Maya. 0:00:38.156 --> 0:00:40.996 Welcome to a very special episode of A slight Change 0:00:41.036 --> 0:00:44.316 of Plans. We recorded this conversation in front of a 0:00:44.396 --> 0:00:48.596 live audience at on AirFest, an event that brings people 0:00:48.636 --> 0:00:52.676 together in Brooklyn every year to celebrate audio storytelling. 0:00:53.116 --> 0:00:56.796 Please welcome to the stage, Doctor Maya Shankar and Rachel Gross. 0:00:59.396 --> 0:01:03.036 Rachel Gross is an award winning science journalist who's written 0:01:03.076 --> 0:01:06.316 for outlets like The New York Times and National Geographic. 0:01:06.796 --> 0:01:10.636 I've heard people compare Rachel to Miss Frizzle, the beloved 0:01:10.836 --> 0:01:14.596 frizzy hair teacher from the PBS show The Magic School Bus. 0:01:15.276 --> 0:01:19.476 I totally get what they're saying. There's definitely something frizzlesque 0:01:19.676 --> 0:01:23.956 about Rachel's approach to science journalism. Her writing serves as 0:01:23.996 --> 0:01:27.956 that metaphorical shape shifting school bus, with the power to 0:01:27.996 --> 0:01:32.196 take readers deep into niche worlds, filling them with wonder 0:01:32.396 --> 0:01:37.316 and discovery. In twenty twenty four, Rachel unexpectedly became the 0:01:37.396 --> 0:01:41.276 subject of her own reporting when some strange things started 0:01:41.316 --> 0:01:43.556 happening in her body that she couldn't explain. 0:01:44.196 --> 0:01:46.036 I couldn't control my voice. 0:01:46.196 --> 0:01:48.316 Things were not coming out as I intended them, and 0:01:48.356 --> 0:01:51.116 my body wasn't moving as I was instructing it. It 0:01:51.156 --> 0:01:53.556 was like there's something getting lost from my brain to 0:01:53.636 --> 0:01:56.876 my body. I felt like an alien, impersonating myself. 0:01:58.356 --> 0:02:01.516 This is a story about suddenly feeling like a stranger 0:02:01.556 --> 0:02:04.916 to yourself and the curious work of figuring out what 0:02:05.036 --> 0:02:10.036 makes you you. I'm Maya Shunker and this is a 0:02:10.036 --> 0:02:12.916 slight change of plans, a show about who we are 0:02:13.156 --> 0:02:22.516 and who we become in the face of a big change. 0:02:25.996 --> 0:02:28.556 I of course had to start our conversation with a 0:02:28.596 --> 0:02:32.756 nod to Miss Frizzle. Fun side note, I too have 0:02:32.796 --> 0:02:35.356 been called Miss Frizzle, but it is because on a 0:02:35.436 --> 0:02:39.316 humid day my husband believes that I resemble this fictional character. 0:02:40.836 --> 0:02:43.876 To Miss Frizzles on stage is very powerful. 0:02:43.476 --> 0:02:46.076 And I've you know, flow dry and all help today. 0:02:47.036 --> 0:02:48.956 It was so interesting because when you look at your 0:02:49.036 --> 0:02:52.356 journey as a reporter, you studied fascinating things that I 0:02:52.356 --> 0:02:55.476 would say or maybe related to your life, but not 0:02:55.516 --> 0:02:59.316 necessarily where you are the subject of the reporting. And 0:02:59.396 --> 0:03:03.316 there was a recent episode in twenty twenty four where 0:03:03.356 --> 0:03:07.356 you ended up turning the camera on yourself because you 0:03:07.436 --> 0:03:09.116 had something that you had to figure out in your 0:03:09.196 --> 0:03:12.836 personal life. Let's go back to twenty twenty four when 0:03:12.876 --> 0:03:16.036 you first noticed that something was feeling a little bit 0:03:16.156 --> 0:03:18.156 off in your body. Tell me about that moment. 0:03:18.636 --> 0:03:21.196 Yeah, and it's a pleasure to be here, Maya. 0:03:21.476 --> 0:03:24.716 It was late in May twenty twenty four, and over 0:03:24.756 --> 0:03:27.276 the course of a week, these like weird things started 0:03:27.316 --> 0:03:31.516 happening to my body that I couldn't fully explain. So, 0:03:32.036 --> 0:03:35.636 like my handwriting and typing started kind of being off, 0:03:35.756 --> 0:03:40.036 like really awkward and stilted. And when I like went running, 0:03:40.356 --> 0:03:43.476 instead of it sort of being this background activity like 0:03:43.516 --> 0:03:45.876 I could think my thoughts while running, I had to 0:03:45.916 --> 0:03:49.196 like force all my arms and my legs like pumped together. 0:03:49.716 --> 0:03:54.396 Like these automatic things were somehow becoming conscious. I go 0:03:54.476 --> 0:03:58.236 to karaoke every week, and I couldn't control my voice. 0:03:58.636 --> 0:04:00.796 Things were not coming out as I intended them, and 0:04:00.836 --> 0:04:03.596 my body wasn't moving as I was instructing it. It 0:04:03.636 --> 0:04:06.036 was like there's something getting lost from my brain to 0:04:06.156 --> 0:04:09.116 my body, and it kind of just intensified over a way. 0:04:10.356 --> 0:04:13.876 How did you find yourself explaining these symptoms in the moment. 0:04:13.676 --> 0:04:17.036 Yeah, Yeah, It's amazing how powerful denial can be. So 0:04:18.436 --> 0:04:22.476 I honestly never thought of anything neurological. I was just like, 0:04:23.276 --> 0:04:26.276 that's odd. I feel a little bit like awkward and shaky. 0:04:26.316 --> 0:04:27.956 And I told some friends and they were like, yeah, 0:04:27.996 --> 0:04:30.516 when I get stressed and anxious, I also mix up 0:04:30.556 --> 0:04:32.396 words or I have trouble typing. Why don't you like 0:04:32.636 --> 0:04:34.396 sleep on it? Give it a couple of days. And 0:04:34.436 --> 0:04:36.996 I was like, that sounds right. A friend even sent 0:04:36.996 --> 0:04:39.036 me an article that was like from WebMD that was 0:04:39.036 --> 0:04:40.916 like stress or stroke, and I like went. 0:04:40.756 --> 0:04:43.676 Through it and the answer was stress. That was like great. 0:04:44.516 --> 0:04:46.956 But I was like asking people in my life. 0:04:46.956 --> 0:04:49.076 I was telling them I felt off that week, which 0:04:49.116 --> 0:04:50.956 I think is a good instinct to maybe one as 0:04:50.996 --> 0:04:53.516 a reporter, and so I think I knew something was 0:04:54.156 --> 0:04:57.956 more wrong than it was outwardly showing because everyone's like, 0:04:57.996 --> 0:04:59.876 you sound fine. I could hear like a slur in 0:04:59.916 --> 0:05:02.916 my voice there, like I don't hear anything. And over 0:05:02.956 --> 0:05:04.636 the course of the week, it was like my body 0:05:04.636 --> 0:05:06.636 had kind of figured it out before my brain had. 0:05:06.676 --> 0:05:09.396 So my heart was like beating faster a troublesleep being, 0:05:09.796 --> 0:05:12.756 and I kind of started like bursting into tears randomly, 0:05:13.436 --> 0:05:15.556 and that, honestly like clued me in that this was 0:05:15.596 --> 0:05:16.276 something important. 0:05:16.676 --> 0:05:20.156 Yeah, did you feel that your symptoms were intensifying with 0:05:20.276 --> 0:05:21.316 each subsequent day? 0:05:21.756 --> 0:05:24.676 They were eventually got to the point where I tried 0:05:24.716 --> 0:05:26.756 to like write in my journal and I couldn't read 0:05:26.796 --> 0:05:28.996 my own writing. It was like chicken scratch and I 0:05:29.196 --> 0:05:31.596 couldn't stop my body from kind of having a panic attack. 0:05:31.676 --> 0:05:34.036 So I ended up going to urgent care, and that's 0:05:34.076 --> 0:05:36.076 how I eventually learned that I had a bleed in 0:05:36.116 --> 0:05:38.156 the back of my brain, which I didn't realize at 0:05:38.196 --> 0:05:39.436 the time, but it was a stroke. 0:05:39.876 --> 0:05:45.996 So wow, when you first heard, oh my god, you 0:05:45.996 --> 0:05:49.356 have a stroke, what was your initial reaction. 0:05:49.836 --> 0:05:51.316 Well, the way it was put to me, it was interesting. 0:05:51.396 --> 0:05:53.476 It was like they did a CT scan and the 0:05:53.556 --> 0:05:56.476 PA was like, honey, you have a bleed in the 0:05:56.516 --> 0:05:58.436 back of your brain, but the good news is this 0:05:58.556 --> 0:05:59.636 explains your symptoms. 0:06:00.436 --> 0:06:04.156 I was like, okay, So I really went into shop. 0:06:04.236 --> 0:06:06.956 To be honest, I was in shock for a little while, 0:06:07.356 --> 0:06:10.916 and I was in hospital room like on a stroke 0:06:10.956 --> 0:06:15.516 ward and my family came and I still couldn't process 0:06:15.596 --> 0:06:17.316 the news. It was kind of how the fact that 0:06:17.356 --> 0:06:21.196 they were so serious and terrified. Kind of helped me 0:06:21.316 --> 0:06:24.356 realize the gravity of the situation. Yeah, it was just 0:06:24.396 --> 0:06:27.676 so foreign to me. I'd never thought about brain stuff. 0:06:28.356 --> 0:06:30.596 That's really weird to say. As a science journalist, everything 0:06:30.636 --> 0:06:33.036 I write about is all like down here in the pelvis, 0:06:33.156 --> 0:06:36.996 and it was just unfathomable. And I think that's why 0:06:37.036 --> 0:06:39.236 nobody guessed it over the course of the week, Like, 0:06:40.036 --> 0:06:42.076 why would you think that a healthy thirty five year 0:06:42.076 --> 0:06:46.436 old woman who was literally writing articles, running, going to 0:06:46.516 --> 0:06:49.436 karaoke would ever be having a stroke at the same time. 0:06:49.676 --> 0:06:50.196 Yeah. 0:06:50.476 --> 0:06:53.556 One thing that was so fascinating is that doctors told 0:06:53.596 --> 0:06:57.916 you you actually got que quite lucky when it came 0:06:58.036 --> 0:07:00.956 to the part of your brain that was affected by 0:07:00.956 --> 0:07:03.556 the stroke. What exactly did they tell. 0:07:03.396 --> 0:07:05.836 You, Yeah, that's right. It was basically like I won 0:07:05.876 --> 0:07:10.116 the stroke lottery. They said, this is cerebellum and I 0:07:10.156 --> 0:07:12.356 was like, what is that. I have no idea what 0:07:12.356 --> 0:07:15.196 that means. And they were like, fortunately, it's a part 0:07:15.196 --> 0:07:17.116 of the brain that kind of does motor stuff, which 0:07:17.156 --> 0:07:20.636 again explains your motor symptoms, your trouble with fine movement. 0:07:21.116 --> 0:07:24.396 It's like aha, And they said, eventually you will have 0:07:24.436 --> 0:07:27.276 to get a surgery, but when you wake up, you'd 0:07:27.316 --> 0:07:30.476 be clumsy, but you'll still be you. And I took 0:07:30.556 --> 0:07:34.036 that as very reassuring. One surgeon said, if I had 0:07:34.036 --> 0:07:36.556 a stroke, I would want it to be in the cerebellum, 0:07:37.036 --> 0:07:39.796 and I was like, that's I guess great. 0:07:39.836 --> 0:07:40.356 Like I didn't know. 0:07:40.396 --> 0:07:42.596 I got that this was such a lucky thing to happen, 0:07:42.676 --> 0:07:44.036 but I guess I'll hold onto that. 0:07:44.716 --> 0:07:48.556 Yeah, when the doctor said you will still be you, 0:07:49.276 --> 0:07:52.396 how did you process that given you felt very much 0:07:52.516 --> 0:07:54.556 not like you in the preceding week. 0:07:54.636 --> 0:07:56.796 Right, I mean, I didn't know what to think because 0:07:56.836 --> 0:07:59.396 I was in the middle of a totally acute crisis 0:07:59.556 --> 0:08:02.476 and I absolutely did not feel like me. Besides the 0:08:02.476 --> 0:08:04.556 motor stuff, I also felt like the gears of my 0:08:04.636 --> 0:08:07.796 brain were kind of like running through molasses at the end, 0:08:07.836 --> 0:08:09.956 Like it was really difficult for me to hold on 0:08:10.036 --> 0:08:13.916 to conversation and to pay attention, to focus and to 0:08:13.956 --> 0:08:18.476 find the right word, which obviously feels quite cognitive. So 0:08:18.756 --> 0:08:22.436 on the one hand, I am like really clinging to 0:08:22.556 --> 0:08:25.916 any reassurance that I can get and to this idea 0:08:25.956 --> 0:08:28.796 that this could explain most of my symptoms, But in 0:08:28.836 --> 0:08:33.676 the back of my head, no pun intended. I think 0:08:33.716 --> 0:08:36.516 I was, like, there's something wrong. My brain is injured. 0:08:36.876 --> 0:08:39.956 I can feel the difference, and I have no experience 0:08:39.996 --> 0:08:41.836 with this. So what I don't know is how much 0:08:41.876 --> 0:08:44.116 the brain can bounce back, how much it can heal. 0:08:45.076 --> 0:08:47.116 I've just never been through anything like this, but like, 0:08:47.276 --> 0:08:50.836 I'm scared yea. So it kind of went between like 0:08:51.076 --> 0:08:54.796 trying to comfort myself and being like this is truly 0:08:55.076 --> 0:08:55.716 an unknown. 0:08:56.116 --> 0:08:59.316 Yeah. One of the areas that I've explored as a 0:08:59.316 --> 0:09:04.636 cognitive scientist is psychological essentialism, and it's basically almost a 0:09:04.636 --> 0:09:08.596 philosophical inquiry into what makes each of us us right? 0:09:08.676 --> 0:09:11.996 So is or maya essence is the Rachel essence right? 0:09:12.036 --> 0:09:14.276 What does it even mean to feel like ourselves? And 0:09:14.276 --> 0:09:18.356 I'm curious to know in what way did you not 0:09:18.516 --> 0:09:22.876 feel like Rachel? Was it simply, oh, I can identify 0:09:22.996 --> 0:09:25.556 these five impairments and that makes me feel not like me? 0:09:26.236 --> 0:09:30.116 Or did it feel almost like a binary shift? Like 0:09:30.156 --> 0:09:32.556 I can't quite even put my finger on it, but 0:09:32.676 --> 0:09:35.076 I simply don't feel like myself. I would not be 0:09:35.076 --> 0:09:37.036 able to describe on a checklist all the ways in 0:09:37.076 --> 0:09:38.436 which I'm not feeling like myself. 0:09:38.876 --> 0:09:41.236 Well, first of all that's a mind blowing field and 0:09:41.236 --> 0:09:44.556 I totally want to learn more about that, especially now. 0:09:44.836 --> 0:09:47.116 So yeah, it depends at what point because I was 0:09:47.156 --> 0:09:49.436 still processing how to make sense of all this, But 0:09:49.476 --> 0:09:52.876 I guess after the show for them months afterwards, it 0:09:52.916 --> 0:09:56.156 was like I had pictured myself like many people probably 0:09:56.636 --> 0:09:59.716 picture this Discardian mind body divide, where like, my mind 0:09:59.796 --> 0:10:02.556 exists and it controls my body, which is my flesh cage. 0:10:02.996 --> 0:10:06.476 And there was some like again breakdown in the transmission 0:10:06.516 --> 0:10:10.596 from like my control commands to the body, and like, 0:10:10.636 --> 0:10:13.356 I didn't anticipate how off that would make me feel, 0:10:13.756 --> 0:10:16.996 so let me thank like how it changed my sense 0:10:17.036 --> 0:10:17.916 of self. 0:10:18.316 --> 0:10:22.436 For example, if I had waved a magic wand and 0:10:22.556 --> 0:10:25.716 some of the impairments resolved themselves, let's say three out 0:10:25.716 --> 0:10:28.276 of five of the biggest impairments, would that have made 0:10:28.316 --> 0:10:31.676 you feel closer to feeling like Rachel or do you 0:10:31.716 --> 0:10:33.956 think again it was more just like a categorical shift, 0:10:34.036 --> 0:10:36.476 like until everything's resolved, they're just not going to feel 0:10:36.636 --> 0:10:39.036 like my old self, or there's something just separate from 0:10:39.076 --> 0:10:41.796 even the neurological impairments that's making me feel different. 0:10:42.196 --> 0:10:44.076 No, it would have helped, and I think it has 0:10:44.156 --> 0:10:46.196 helped over time, as I have recovered a lot of 0:10:46.196 --> 0:10:46.596 it back. 0:10:46.716 --> 0:10:48.076 Yeah, because it was really. 0:10:47.836 --> 0:10:52.476 This delay and this distance between how I saw myself 0:10:52.516 --> 0:10:55.796 in my head and how I was conceptualizing myself and 0:10:55.836 --> 0:10:58.116 what was coming out and how I was coming off 0:10:58.156 --> 0:11:01.156 to people. So it's partly like how I'm being perceived, 0:11:02.236 --> 0:11:05.876 how my intentions are like manifesting in real life, and 0:11:06.196 --> 0:11:11.276 the amount of effort it's taking to honestly like performed myself. 0:11:11.836 --> 0:11:15.276 I felt like an alien impersonating myself. Even like being 0:11:15.276 --> 0:11:17.636 in the subway trying to get into a subway train, 0:11:17.756 --> 0:11:19.316 I had to be like, wait, you need to go 0:11:19.356 --> 0:11:21.596 to the right. Wait, you're going to hit someone. Wait, 0:11:21.596 --> 0:11:24.396 you need to keep focused on the subway car. So 0:11:24.476 --> 0:11:27.956 I was having this internal dialogue. I felt like jerky 0:11:28.036 --> 0:11:30.956 and off and not kind of smooth and fluid and 0:11:31.036 --> 0:11:33.916 at one with my body and with my surroundings. 0:11:34.196 --> 0:11:36.276 Yeah, sounds like so many of the things that it 0:11:36.356 --> 0:11:39.876 felt effortless that were the results of unconscious processing were 0:11:39.916 --> 0:11:43.916 now the result of very deliberate conscious processing, And that 0:11:44.556 --> 0:11:48.836 you're used to being the conductor of your body and mind, 0:11:49.076 --> 0:11:50.716 and all of a sudden, like the orchestra is not 0:11:50.716 --> 0:11:54.996 paying attention. It's like, hello, musicians, violinists, feelss, why aren't 0:11:55.036 --> 0:11:57.876 you playing when you're supposed to do? Like you're off tempo? Right? 0:11:58.236 --> 0:12:00.916 Yeah, yeah, And that's exactly how I described it. It 0:12:00.956 --> 0:12:03.636 was like I hadn't realized there was an invisible conductor 0:12:03.876 --> 0:12:07.356 that was doing all this choreography behind the scenes and 0:12:07.396 --> 0:12:10.716 making it feel smooth and seemless. Now the seams were 0:12:10.756 --> 0:12:13.716 showing and I was kind of now to switch the metaphor, 0:12:13.836 --> 0:12:17.076 I was like a puppet master, pulling each string individually, 0:12:17.516 --> 0:12:19.796 and that took a lot of conscious effort. It was 0:12:19.836 --> 0:12:22.196 like everything was unconscious kind of bubbled up to the 0:12:22.276 --> 0:12:25.876 surface and became within my awareness, which, let me tell you, 0:12:25.996 --> 0:12:26.596 is exhausting. 0:12:26.876 --> 0:12:29.956 Yeah. I obviously cannot relate in any way to the 0:12:29.996 --> 0:12:32.036 magnitude of what you endured, but I have a little 0:12:32.076 --> 0:12:36.916 anecdote that makes me empathize with what you went through, 0:12:36.956 --> 0:12:40.316 which is I had a career ending violin injury, and 0:12:40.356 --> 0:12:42.316 I remember, after years and years of not being able 0:12:42.356 --> 0:12:45.276 to play in multiple surgeries, I picked back up my 0:12:45.316 --> 0:12:48.996 instrument and my mind had not forgotten how to play 0:12:49.196 --> 0:12:50.596 the mentals and violin concerto. 0:12:50.796 --> 0:12:50.916 Right. 0:12:50.996 --> 0:12:53.436 It was it felt like effortless, and I knew exactly 0:12:53.476 --> 0:12:56.196 how I would phrase it and what my finger should do, 0:12:56.716 --> 0:13:00.116 and yet my brain had lost all the muscle memory 0:13:00.116 --> 0:13:02.276 around how to actually play the instrument, and I would 0:13:02.276 --> 0:13:06.956 get so frustrated not being able to translate what was 0:13:06.996 --> 0:13:10.196 in my head into the actual mut that I was producing. 0:13:10.596 --> 0:13:12.036 Yeah, no, that's exactly it. 0:13:12.036 --> 0:13:14.796 I'm really glad you actually used that imagery, if you 0:13:14.836 --> 0:13:18.476 do understand. I literally felt like I'd been handed an 0:13:18.476 --> 0:13:22.436 out of tune instrument because suddenly I was doing the 0:13:22.476 --> 0:13:26.596 same things mentally and it wasn't producing what I was 0:13:26.716 --> 0:13:29.996 used to. And that's definitely what I felt in karaoko. 0:13:29.996 --> 0:13:31.276 It was like I know how to listen to a 0:13:31.356 --> 0:13:34.036 note and just like repeat it and make the same 0:13:34.076 --> 0:13:36.396 sound come out, Like I know how to perform this, 0:13:36.836 --> 0:13:40.476 and suddenly it was like I don't know what's coming 0:13:40.516 --> 0:13:42.796 out of me. I can't do all these things at once. 0:13:43.236 --> 0:13:46.156 Like again, I kind of felt like an alien. I 0:13:46.236 --> 0:13:48.316 was like, yeah, this isn't me. 0:13:49.836 --> 0:13:52.316 I'm so interested to explore something that you mentioned, which 0:13:52.356 --> 0:13:55.236 is you felt like you had to be an actress 0:13:55.236 --> 0:13:58.116 of sorts when it came to engaging with your community, 0:13:58.276 --> 0:14:01.676 right your friends and family, and I imagine that you 0:14:01.716 --> 0:14:05.036 were presenting to them as normal, but we're feeling at 0:14:05.036 --> 0:14:08.396 the same time massively impaired. What did that look like 0:14:08.476 --> 0:14:12.796 in daily life? And how did you figure out how 0:14:12.796 --> 0:14:15.196 to get your community to catch up to what your 0:14:15.236 --> 0:14:17.036 mind knew about your actual state. 0:14:18.276 --> 0:14:24.716 Yeah, that was the challenge because like in some conditions, 0:14:24.756 --> 0:14:27.916 I think maybe it was a little bit more obvious. 0:14:29.156 --> 0:14:32.716 So in karaoke, like everything is kind of magnified, like 0:14:32.756 --> 0:14:34.876 you're on stage as a spotlight. And I guess I 0:14:35.596 --> 0:14:38.556 didn't realize until then, but my stage name is Rikira, 0:14:38.636 --> 0:14:39.116 and I do a. 0:14:39.076 --> 0:14:39.836 Lot of hip stuff. 0:14:39.876 --> 0:14:43.076 Apparently, like unconsciously, I'm always just like rolling my hips 0:14:43.116 --> 0:14:45.316 and just like shaking my ass and everything. 0:14:45.516 --> 0:14:48.516 So and like that wasn't happening anymore. 0:14:48.556 --> 0:14:50.836 So I'd be on stage and suddenly like be aware, like, oh, 0:14:50.836 --> 0:14:53.276 the audience looks kind of bored. Maybe you should shake 0:14:53.316 --> 0:14:55.836 a little or like shimmy Rachel and be like, oh, wait, 0:14:55.876 --> 0:14:57.996 you have to keep singing at the same time, like wait, 0:14:58.076 --> 0:15:00.156 sing the words, and I'd like focus really hard on 0:15:00.196 --> 0:15:03.516 the screen and I just like standing there woodenly, and 0:15:03.556 --> 0:15:05.596 when you're doing that and you're singing, like I touch 0:15:05.676 --> 0:15:07.836 myself by Da Vinil's It's not really going to like 0:15:07.996 --> 0:15:10.516 sell the song I'd I learned, so I'd have like 0:15:10.556 --> 0:15:12.676 these awkward moments from like I'm really not getting like 0:15:12.716 --> 0:15:15.516 the applause that I usually do, Like something's not working. 0:15:15.916 --> 0:15:18.676 But in my regular life, Yeah, people didn't notice, even 0:15:18.756 --> 0:15:22.876 my closest friends and family, which was very like alienating. 0:15:24.076 --> 0:15:26.436 So I got a ton of reassurance that I looked 0:15:26.436 --> 0:15:28.476 and seemed fine, which like on the one hand, like 0:15:28.556 --> 0:15:31.876 good on the other hand, than what is happening internally? 0:15:32.236 --> 0:15:36.236 What is this discrepancy, this like chasm between what I 0:15:36.276 --> 0:15:40.156 feel and what people notice. And what I learned is 0:15:40.156 --> 0:15:42.836 that like, if you do have to perform yourself, you 0:15:43.236 --> 0:15:45.436 kind of can do it pretty well because you know 0:15:45.516 --> 0:15:47.756 your mannerisms, how you move through the world, you know 0:15:48.156 --> 0:15:50.636 the stories you tell and how people react, and if 0:15:50.636 --> 0:15:53.476 you have to pull every lever yourself, you can. But 0:15:53.556 --> 0:15:58.076 it's very exhausting and it's very isolating. As someone who's 0:15:58.116 --> 0:16:01.836 an extrovert and like really craves like deep connection with people, 0:16:02.276 --> 0:16:05.036 I wasn't getting that I was just performing and like 0:16:05.276 --> 0:16:06.516 hoping they didn't notice. 0:16:06.756 --> 0:16:11.716 Yeah, and what is sobering high level observation, which is, Wow, 0:16:11.796 --> 0:16:13.676 even the people with whom we think we have the 0:16:13.716 --> 0:16:17.436 most intimate connections, are they really only getting a snapshot 0:16:17.516 --> 0:16:19.996 of who we are and any given moments such that 0:16:20.596 --> 0:16:25.756 you could pass as quote normal, Rachel, your cognitive impairments. 0:16:26.116 --> 0:16:26.836 Yeah, it was. 0:16:27.796 --> 0:16:31.156 It was definitely an instance of like passing was the 0:16:31.156 --> 0:16:32.276 word that came to mind. 0:16:32.476 --> 0:16:33.836 Yeah, and yeah. 0:16:33.596 --> 0:16:36.756 That was like a philosophical kind of disturbing question I had. 0:16:37.236 --> 0:16:39.076 On the other hand, I think that people have a 0:16:39.116 --> 0:16:42.836 lot of unconscious cognitive processes themselves to reassure themselves that 0:16:42.836 --> 0:16:45.196 the situation is okay. They're kind of like filling in 0:16:45.236 --> 0:16:47.516 the gaps and kind of projecting what they know about you. 0:16:47.756 --> 0:16:50.436 People started like finishing my sentences and cutting me off 0:16:50.476 --> 0:16:53.516 all the time because I was slower to you complete 0:16:53.516 --> 0:16:55.676 it myself, or I couldn't find the word, and they 0:16:55.676 --> 0:16:57.716 didn't notice that was happening. They just thought I had 0:16:57.756 --> 0:16:59.716 finished the sentence and they knew what I was going 0:16:59.756 --> 0:17:02.236 to say anyways, And I was like, this is interesting. 0:17:02.316 --> 0:17:03.636 That's not where I was going to go with that, 0:17:03.796 --> 0:17:05.636 But I'm observing this now. 0:17:05.556 --> 0:17:07.836 Oh my gosh, that is so fascinating. Yeah, you're saying 0:17:08.556 --> 0:17:10.916 if you love someone, your protective instincts are going to 0:17:10.956 --> 0:17:13.476 go into full gear in order to protect yourself from 0:17:13.476 --> 0:17:16.916 the devastating truth that this loved one might be, you know, 0:17:16.956 --> 0:17:19.196 impaired in some way. You just figure out how not 0:17:19.276 --> 0:17:19.716 to see it. 0:17:20.076 --> 0:17:22.636 Yeah, I think you put that beautifully. But I will say, 0:17:22.676 --> 0:17:23.436 like I think there's. 0:17:23.636 --> 0:17:27.036 It was your idea, some mispriss all. 0:17:27.156 --> 0:17:32.556 I mean, stop, no you, But I think there's like 0:17:32.636 --> 0:17:35.996 love in that gesture, right, because like they were also 0:17:36.036 --> 0:17:38.676 seeing a part of me that I was having trouble accessing. 0:17:39.036 --> 0:17:40.876 And like it's true I was in there, and like 0:17:40.956 --> 0:17:43.116 I was recovering over time, so parts of me were 0:17:43.156 --> 0:17:45.956 not accessible and not being expressed. But like it was 0:17:45.996 --> 0:17:47.836 being around people that knew be the most that helped 0:17:47.876 --> 0:17:51.076 bring that out. So like there is beauty in it, 0:17:50.996 --> 0:17:53.756 it's not there's devastation as well. I definitely don't like 0:17:53.796 --> 0:17:57.516 to sugarcoat, but like I'm also grateful because I was 0:17:57.556 --> 0:17:59.956 eventually able to access a little more of that and 0:18:00.396 --> 0:18:02.916 like they kind of like bullied me during that. 0:18:07.436 --> 0:18:11.116 After the break, Rachel's cauriosity leads her on a magic 0:18:11.196 --> 0:18:15.156 school bus ride into her own brain. We'll be right 0:18:15.196 --> 0:18:32.996 back with a slight change of plans. Rachel's stroke affected 0:18:32.996 --> 0:18:36.476 a part of the brain called the sarahbellum. Doctor said 0:18:36.516 --> 0:18:39.516 her motor function would be affected, but outside of that 0:18:40.236 --> 0:18:42.996 she should expect to feel more or less like herself. 0:18:43.716 --> 0:18:46.516 But the problem was that Rachel didn't feel at all 0:18:46.676 --> 0:18:51.676 like herself. Everyday behaviors things that had once felt so automatic, 0:18:52.316 --> 0:18:55.156 like how to laugh at an appropriate volume or how 0:18:55.236 --> 0:18:59.756 to articulate her thoughts out loud, now required thinking an effort. 0:19:00.716 --> 0:19:03.996 Rachel had questions, and so she did the one thing 0:19:04.116 --> 0:19:07.316 she knew to do in situations like these, She put 0:19:07.356 --> 0:19:09.996 on her journalist's hat. And this frizzled it. 0:19:10.556 --> 0:19:13.036 But I definitely remember literally being in the hospital room 0:19:13.116 --> 0:19:15.636 and asking for more research on the cerebellum and being 0:19:15.676 --> 0:19:18.796 handed a paper that said, this part of the brain 0:19:18.916 --> 0:19:23.276 is ineloquent and redundant and it doesn't have a role 0:19:23.356 --> 0:19:26.636 in language recognition and it's safe to operate. 0:19:26.356 --> 0:19:28.076 In so have bad it, guys. 0:19:28.876 --> 0:19:29.116 Wow. 0:19:29.156 --> 0:19:30.956 And I just remember at that moment, like again my 0:19:31.276 --> 0:19:35.076 thinking was pretty impaired, but just being like huh, Like 0:19:35.116 --> 0:19:37.676 how can they say what it doesn't do? Because like, 0:19:37.716 --> 0:19:39.036 how do you really know what any part of the 0:19:39.036 --> 0:19:41.716 brain does. It's all like mysterious and interconnected. Like to 0:19:42.276 --> 0:19:46.436 definitively say that it doesn't do that sounds weird, but 0:19:47.236 --> 0:19:50.476 I kind of realized that, like that was the party line. 0:19:50.516 --> 0:19:54.836 But there was this whole like cadre of neuroscientists who 0:19:55.356 --> 0:19:58.956 were questioning it and saying, like, actually, the cerebellum might 0:19:58.996 --> 0:20:03.436 be more interconnected and central than we thought. And it's 0:20:03.476 --> 0:20:06.236 called the downstairs brain, but it's connected to the upstairs 0:20:06.316 --> 0:20:08.876 brain in a way that we didn't realize until recently. 0:20:09.836 --> 0:20:13.036 And it seems like summarizing all these scientists I talk to, 0:20:14.036 --> 0:20:18.116 every kind of thought and gesture and emotion before it 0:20:18.156 --> 0:20:21.716 makes its way from inside your brain to outside, it 0:20:21.796 --> 0:20:25.396 kind of passes through this part of the brain. 0:20:25.436 --> 0:20:27.116 It's like the unionstation of the brain. 0:20:27.676 --> 0:20:31.076 And so something's happening where this thought gets transformed in 0:20:31.156 --> 0:20:33.676 some way. We're not exactly sure how, but it might 0:20:33.716 --> 0:20:36.556 be some kind of polishing or refining process to make 0:20:36.556 --> 0:20:40.196 it more appropriate to the situation, so that by the 0:20:40.236 --> 0:20:43.356 time it leaves your brain it's kind of what you intended. 0:20:43.756 --> 0:20:46.676 And all this is happening unconsciously, like we're saying, this 0:20:46.716 --> 0:20:50.316 is all automatic in the background, So you can imagine 0:20:50.396 --> 0:20:54.716 that when it gets damaged suddenly, like all those tiny 0:20:54.756 --> 0:20:59.796 little tweaks now are conscious and it's just like overwhelming, 0:21:00.556 --> 0:21:03.236 and I don't know, learning that made me really appreciate 0:21:03.236 --> 0:21:05.276 what ceahbellum had been doing, and like, I do hope 0:21:05.316 --> 0:21:08.716 that's something that people get out of this. And it 0:21:08.756 --> 0:21:10.356 also it made me feel like it's kind of this 0:21:10.396 --> 0:21:14.636 connective tissue between like mind and body and between you 0:21:14.756 --> 0:21:15.796 and your environment. 0:21:15.916 --> 0:21:18.276 It's like working at that interface between the two. 0:21:19.156 --> 0:21:22.156 Before you found out that the cerebellum might play this 0:21:22.196 --> 0:21:24.716