WEBVTT - S2: Ep 3 - Risk All 0:00:02.160 --> 0:00:04.080 Before we get started, I want to let you know 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:06.680 that we'll be talking about eating disorder. Behavior is pretty 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:10.000 candidly in this episode. If you find that topic triggering, 0:00:10.160 --> 0:00:13.200 please feel free to skip this one. Risking your health 0:00:13.280 --> 0:00:25.639 just isn't worth it. What was your first impression of balancing, 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:29.400 like the first time you actually saw in person? Most 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:32.400 of it was first hearsay because there was such a 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:34.680 cult around all of it. In the school, of course, 0:00:35.320 --> 0:00:39.480 it was an insular world into which we were permitted 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:44.960 to enter and chosen, and so I don't even know 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:48.400 really what that first impression could have been, other than 0:00:49.640 --> 0:00:53.520 nervous anticipation and excitement and a desire to be seen. 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:01.400 Stephanie the land is a form or dancer. When she 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:04.120 stepped into balancing school for the first time, he was 0:01:04.120 --> 0:01:08.320 in his mid sixties. Stephanie was fourteen, and she knew 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:11.560 the only way to dancer balancing in his company was 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:14.680 to train in his school, the School of American Ballet. 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:19.280 People were not taken from the outside. We had to 0:01:19.319 --> 0:01:21.200 go through the school for at least two or three 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:24.119 years even to be considered for the company. Nobody ever 0:01:24.160 --> 0:01:27.120 came from the outside. We always had to be an insider. 0:01:27.880 --> 0:01:32.200 It was definitely a unique situation in that way, and 0:01:32.240 --> 0:01:35.920 getting into that school wasn't easy to do. Do you 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:39.120 remember your first day at the School of American Ballet. 0:01:41.200 --> 0:01:48.720 I first remember my audition. I think I went in 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:54.520 sixty eight. It was a private audition, and I went 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:57.120 in and I was fourteen and a half and I 0:01:57.200 --> 0:01:59.880 only had had occasional classes, and I was told to 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:02.920 ring point shoes. I didn't have point shoes. I've never 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:07.040 been on point. Stephanie didn't know a lot of the 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:10.680 names of the steps. So Diana Adams, a famous balancing 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:13.120 dancer who had retired from the stage and was running 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:17.560 the school, demonstrated every step for her and she showed 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:21.200 me everything. I imitated her by all standards of what 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:28.320 I understand now. I was extremely unsophisticated, and it was terrifying. 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:31.760 I came out and she came to my mother and 0:02:31.800 --> 0:02:34.880 she said, well, she's years behind. I'll put her in 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:37.320 with the eleven year olds. It's unlikely that it's going 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:43.520 to work, but she does have some turnout. That was it. 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:49.480 Fourteen year old Stephanie towered over the eleven year olds 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:53.320 in her class, but it didn't deter her. I love 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:56.720 to move, I love to dance. I was fascinated by 0:02:56.880 --> 0:02:59.680 where I was, and I was enchanted by the people 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:02.760 around owned me. Stephanie didn't know what she was doing, 0:03:02.840 --> 0:03:05.760 but she imitated well. She could copy the other students 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:08.520 and replicate the movement, even when she didn't know what 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:11.640 step came next or even what it was called. And 0:03:11.720 --> 0:03:14.560 three months later I was moved up. It was exciting, 0:03:14.840 --> 0:03:18.120 and I thought everybody was the most beautiful creatures on 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:21.239 the earth that I'd ever seen, and they were so talented. 0:03:21.280 --> 0:03:24.919 So I'd come home report about all these people I'd 0:03:24.960 --> 0:03:35.200 seen and how beautiful they were. M m m. And also, 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:43.040 there's something about being elite, you know, I'm just going 0:03:43.120 --> 0:03:44.600 to say that, as much as I don't like to 0:03:44.640 --> 0:03:49.480 say that about being chosen an elite, you know, there's 0:03:49.520 --> 0:03:59.400 this um ego. Part of your sense of self recognizes 0:03:59.840 --> 0:04:06.520 that you are being selected and selected in our particular 0:04:06.640 --> 0:04:11.600 arena where it is so super refined and quite close 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:16.640 to the outside world. We were christened, we were graced 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:20.000 to be allowed in the school and allowed to be 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:24.680 in that studio, and allowed to be in relationship to 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:29.559 that organization, to the organization. It's like when you first 0:04:29.600 --> 0:04:31.720 fall in love and you feel like you're the person. 0:04:31.960 --> 0:04:34.719 Oh my god, it's me. How can that not be? 0:04:34.800 --> 0:04:47.719 Throwing from my heart? Podcasts and Rococo Punch, This is 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:58.839 the turning Room of Mirrors. I'm Erica Lance, Part three, 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:08.880 We're ESK Call. When Stephanie started at the School of 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:12.800 American Ballet, she was entering something big. New York was 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:14.560 in the middle of what came to be known as 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:18.240 the dance boom in the six season seventies. New York 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:21.159 was a hub for all kinds of dance. I was 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:24.840 going to two or three performances a week. Dance historian 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:27.679 Lynne Garafola remembers being at the start of her career 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.800 as a critic and writer in the seventies. It seemed 0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:35.520 like everyone was talking about dance. There were performances everywhere, 0:05:36.000 --> 0:05:41.400 Tickets were still relatively cheap. There were ballet companies coming 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:45.159 from many different places. So I think there was this 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:51.880 sense of energy and possibility, and at the center of 0:05:51.920 --> 0:05:54.760 this movement was Balanching. By then, he'd been in the 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:57.800 US for thirty years. He'd built a ballet school and 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:01.200 a ballet company. As far as the dance world was concerned, 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:05.040 he'd become the Shakespeare of neo classical ballet, and audiences 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:07.760 got to watch him write his masterpieces right in front 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:10.960 of them. Balancing in the New York City ballet became 0:06:11.640 --> 0:06:15.680 really one of the pre eminent artistic institutions. These were 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:19.520 just one of the pre eminent cultural moments in New 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:23.320 York City. This is historian Jim Steaken. He got people 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:26.400 who aren't necessarily into ballet to care about ballet. You 0:06:26.480 --> 0:06:30.640 made ballet something that was on TV on a regular basis. 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:37.240 He turned certain ballerinas into cultural icons that girls wanted 0:06:37.279 --> 0:06:46.880 to emulate and inspire them to study ballet. One thing 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.880 I would like to say is that it's pretty clear 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:54.520 when you read all the reviews beginning in the late sixties, 0:06:55.160 --> 0:06:59.640 seventies into the nine eighties, the balancing is portrayed as 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:02.360 someone who could do no wrong. Even when he does 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:06.239 a really terrible ballet. The language is kind of nice. 0:07:07.760 --> 0:07:09.880 I mean, you read some of those things, it's like 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:13.239 he could do no wrong. It's like he was a god. 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:21.920 Balancing was ever present in the school. He could walk 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:25.880 into any class any day and wait to see what 0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:29.120 would catch his eye. As the world around her worshiped 0:07:29.160 --> 0:07:32.720 Balancing Stephanie c the Land was still a teenager, hoping 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:36.120 to join his company someday. One day she was asked 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:38.760 to be part of these performances they called lecture demos, 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:43.280 where students would go to public schools to demonstrate ballet. First, 0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:46.760 they had to learn the choreography. There were three couples dancing. 0:07:47.280 --> 0:07:49.480 Stephanie and her partner were in the back behind the 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:52.920 lead couple. I wasn't very good at ballet in my mind, 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:57.360 not yet, she remembers. That day. A talented dancer named 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:00.840 Fernando Bojones was there sitting on the udio floor at 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:05.680 the front, and then Balancine walked in. She'd never met 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:08.560 him before, and I thought, well, nobody looks at the 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:12.320 people in the back. And I thought, well, he's not 0:08:12.400 --> 0:08:14.680 watching me. Balanciine is not watching me, so it really 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:16.640 doesn't matter. I can do whatever I want back here. 0:08:17.440 --> 0:08:20.440 And Fernando said, well, he didn't take his eyes off 0:08:20.480 --> 0:08:27.080 of you for one minute. You know, by the time 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:29.040 he saw me, I don't know how old he was. 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:32.400 He had seen so many dancers, he'd lived such a 0:08:32.400 --> 0:08:38.719 long life. If you spark his curiosity, that's a good thing. 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:42.200 He never wanted to be told who to like, and 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:45.000 very often, in fact, I think he went the other way. 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:47.520 So if the heads of the schools, who were his 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:50.640 Russian colleagues at the time, would say we like this 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:53.720 and this and this person, likely he would turn his 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:58.720 head and look for somebody else. Balancine wanted good dancers, 0:08:59.000 --> 0:09:02.680 but Stephanie said he was also looking for someone unformed, 0:09:03.080 --> 0:09:07.520 someone's still raw, somebody who doesn't quite have it all, 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:10.680 and he could shape them. He could form them. She 0:09:10.760 --> 0:09:14.440 doesn't quite know what she's doing, but there's something. Then 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:17.959 it was very what you say, Chavi and Pygmalion a 0:09:18.080 --> 0:09:22.600 little bit, you know, Eliza Dolittle. There's perhaps a sculpture 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:25.600 in that marble. He could make sixty mistakes and one 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:28.960 was going to come out of full sculpture. H And 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:31.559 that was basically how he saw it. And he even 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:33.360 would talk about, you know, it could be a field 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:38.120 of grass, but one flower. Could Stephanie be that flower. 0:09:43.720 --> 0:09:46.480 Stephanie quickly learned how much the school of American Ballet 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:51.240 was about balancing and his choreography. People were trained to 0:09:52.640 --> 0:10:00.320 hone his particular sensibilities, even his ethics, so that there 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:04.120 would be a readiness definitely a readiness and all of 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:08.760 us to fall right into the company, efficient and ready 0:10:08.840 --> 0:10:16.800 to be useful, immediately, ready to execute and embody his visions. 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:23.280 Usually when you're a teenager, you don't meet the one 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:26.880 person who will make all of your career decisions. But 0:10:27.000 --> 0:10:33.280 that's kind of what balancinge was. Balancine was basically the 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:36.480 be all, end all answer to the rest of your life, 0:10:36.880 --> 0:10:54.360 sounds wise. As a student, Stephanie a Land learned there 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:57.800 were many expectations for dancers at the School of American Ballet, 0:10:58.720 --> 0:11:02.400 some explicit, some so ingrained in the culture they didn't 0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:07.760 have to be said aloud. There's a certain stringent criteria 0:11:07.880 --> 0:11:12.280 for body types and adhering to those body types. There 0:11:12.320 --> 0:11:16.480 were criteria that were very very clear and in no 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:21.760 uncertain terms. What were the criteria generally long limbed, tall, 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:27.560 long necks, small heads, that was understood, fair skin. I 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:29.880 think I've even heard something like when you slice an 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:32.880 apple open, that kind of the whiteness of the fruit. 0:11:34.120 --> 0:11:39.960 There was certainly exceptions, but that was it. It's well 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:43.719 documented that Balancine had a preference for pale, thin dancers, 0:11:44.320 --> 0:11:47.160 for dancers he loved. He'd praised them with phrases like 0:11:47.240 --> 0:11:51.719 alabaster princess or pale skin that reflected the light. He 0:11:51.800 --> 0:11:54.880 had a lot of opinions about dancers bodies. Here he 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:57.280 is in the nineteen sixty three interview on w n 0:11:57.400 --> 0:12:00.319 y C talking about how he evaluates female dwan. There's 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:04.560 specifically girls. He starts by comparing the pros and cons 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:08.480 of two girls bodies. One girl is tall, It's very 0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:14.719 very tall, with beautiful legs and fantastic extension. One of 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:19.199 them but doesn't turn as fast and has a beauty 0:12:19.200 --> 0:12:22.840 will express her marble face, you know, almost like Angel. 0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:28.079 Where another girl is short. The other one would be shorter, cool, 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:34.400 short legs, dark face. She can't jump very high and 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:38.280 stretch her legs, but she could be very faster, and 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:44.400 maybe her ability to express with the face, maybe she 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:47.559 exceeds the first in terms of artistic expression. I mean 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:51.680 they're all different animals balance, She says, you can't say 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:55.599 who is better. It's like you say what's better m 0:12:56.000 --> 0:13:04.640 leopard or jaguar or line or He had animals and 0:13:04.720 --> 0:13:08.559 images for everyone. One dancer said she was a porcupine, 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:14.120 her friend a delicious mushroom. Whether this was playful or dehumanizing. 0:13:14.320 --> 0:13:16.920 It's hard to tell, but if you made the cut, 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:21.400 it might have been because of your idiosyncrasies, your individual style. 0:13:22.320 --> 0:13:25.040 It might be a shimmer of something balancing could mold 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:37.640 into a timeless sculpture. When balancing choreographs, it's like it 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:41.240 fits like a glove, you know, It's like it's meant 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:45.960 for you, and that's so special. It's it's a glove 0:13:46.160 --> 0:13:50.040 that fits. Deborah Austin entered the school as a shy 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:53.240 thirteen year old. She'd always depended on dance to draw 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:57.040 her out of her cocoon. Then she found herself vying 0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:00.080 for a position with Balancing's company. And they told my 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:02.120 parents that most likely I would never get into the 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:05.360 New York City Vallet because I would not fit in. 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:08.880 The message came from a teacher at the school that 0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:10.880 she would not fit in because of the color of 0:14:10.920 --> 0:14:14.839 her skin, because she's black. They said she could never 0:14:14.920 --> 0:14:17.320 dance in the court ballet, the group of dancers you 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:20.760 often see dancing behind the soloists, because she wouldn't match. 0:14:21.360 --> 0:14:23.920 You know, I would have to be a soloist if 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:25.920 that was possible. And I'm looking at them at thirteen 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:32.120 years old, thinking, I know I have talent, but a soloist, 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:36.400 you've got to be getting me. Jumping from student to 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:41.440 soloists seemed impossible, but Deborah wanted to dance for me. 0:14:41.480 --> 0:14:43.240 It was like there was not going to be a no. 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:47.000 I mean, I was going to achieve this on my own, Marrior, 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:50.200 no matter what color I was, no matter what I did. 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:54.000 You had to sparkle something for him to be interested 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:59.040 in you. I mean, just being there was not exactly ideal. 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:04.920 You had to really show your worth. Balancine had been 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:08.520 watching her, and she did get in. At age sixteen. 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:11.640 She was the first black female dancer admitted into the company. 0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:15.200 She danced in the Core and Swan Lake, a role 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:18.200 she'd been told she could never dance, and she danced 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:28.640 soloist rolls, one that Balancine specifically choreographed for her. He 0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:31.880 was so kind, just the way he took your hand 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:35.280 and said, come here, dear. You know yet you were 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:40.040 still scared of him, at least I was. He could 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:43.160 be tough, but he was a father figure, you know, 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:51.960 to some of us, and we were his disciples. I 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:55.680 think he cared more about individuality than he cared about 0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:59.960 a look. I think he cared about how you were 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:05.440 or as a artist. I really don't believe that there 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:10.120 was a specific type that he wanted. I mean, supposedly 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:13.120 he wanted the skin tone to be the color of 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:18.200 a fresh peeled apple. My skin color was not the 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:21.360 color of a freshly peeled apple by no stretch of 0:16:21.400 --> 0:16:28.320 the imagination. So there you have it. Still, the reality 0:16:28.480 --> 0:16:32.440 was that Balancie's company was almost entirely white. For the 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:34.760 nine years Debbor dance at the New York City Ballet, 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:39.080 she was the only black female dancer there. I might 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:42.680 have paved something. I I literally made a driveway, but 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:50.920 I was there for nine years by myself. It might 0:16:50.960 --> 0:16:53.120 have hindered me, you know, in some ways because of 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:55.480 what I was told when I was younger. I feel 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:59.120 like I wanted to fit in, keep down inside. Possibly 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:04.760 I went back into my cocoon and myself for many 0:17:04.880 --> 0:17:13.359 years in the company. Deborah believes that Balancine didn't have 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:15.800 one type in mind, that he was open to many 0:17:15.920 --> 0:17:18.879 kinds of dancers, and this is one of those areas 0:17:18.880 --> 0:17:21.879 where Balancine seems to hold opposites at the same time. 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:25.720 Did he want dancers to conform to his aesthetics or 0:17:25.760 --> 0:17:30.280 did he value variety. What was clear was that being 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:33.800 thin was important. I mean, I just wanted to be 0:17:33.840 --> 0:17:36.480 thinner because I knew being thinner was gonna get me parts, 0:17:36.480 --> 0:17:39.200 and he was gonna like me more. And you wanted 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:42.520 so badly, you know, you please him. Then he used 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:45.320 to call us all briocious because we were all like 0:17:45.440 --> 0:17:49.439 the young and our bodies changed from being these skinny 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:54.040 little things to like becoming women. But he wanted us 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:58.920 dinner than we probably were being pubis and young girls. 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:01.439 Now I look it picked with myself when I was 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:03.760 younger in those photographs, and I go, oh my god, 0:18:03.880 --> 0:18:06.360 they called me fat, Like how is that even possible? 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:19.960 We were definitely indoctrinated with a certain aesthetic that was 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:24.720 known as the Balanchine body. Stephanie and Deborah overlapped at 0:18:24.760 --> 0:18:28.200 the company in one piece. They danced back to back 0:18:28.240 --> 0:18:31.880 solos while Debora spins off stage in a joyful mix 0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:36.520 of peak turns and jumps. Stephanie, almost mirroring Deborah, twirls 0:18:36.560 --> 0:18:41.800 on stage all length and speed. The preference for very 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:46.199 long legs for thin I did not match that. In 0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:50.919 all moments. I was a little more round than the 0:18:51.040 --> 0:18:55.080 preferred body. There were times when I was taken out 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:59.000 of ballets because of my weight, and this was before 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:03.800 it was politically incorrect to address it, so basically I'd 0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:06.800 just be called fat and pulled out. So I had 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:14.359 those phases and those conflicts and self deprecation certainly, and 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:19.800 went through them. Some see balancing as the person most 0:19:19.840 --> 0:19:24.159 responsible for changing the expectation of ballerina's bodies not just 0:19:24.240 --> 0:19:28.080 to be slim, but to be absolutely as thin as possible. 0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:32.000 If you look at photos of the late nineteenth century ballerinas, 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:35.960 they're very, very different from the ballerinas of the twenties 0:19:36.520 --> 0:19:41.159 or the nineteen forties. In the nineteen fifties, slender dancers 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:44.399 all had little shapes, they had wastes. No one in 0:19:44.440 --> 0:19:48.600 New York City ballet in the late sixties or nineteen 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:53.280 seventies or early eighties had waste They were much more straight, 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:59.879 and that was what Balanchine apparently wanted. Historian Lyne Garef 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:03.280 points out it's hard to pin the extreme body standards 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:08.200 all on balancing. In the sixties and seventies, extreme thinness 0:20:08.880 --> 0:20:13.320 became apparent across the fashion industry. If one picks up 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:17.639 fashion magazines from the mid nineteen sixties on and you 0:20:17.720 --> 0:20:21.439 see Twiggy. You know this is a moment when the 0:20:21.480 --> 0:20:26.400 beauty industry is saying that thinness is really what is beautiful. 0:20:27.800 --> 0:20:32.119 Either way, Balancing's dancer is worthinner than their predecessors, and 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:39.560 Balancing pressure dancers to lose weight. One time, he told 0:20:39.560 --> 0:20:42.199 a dancer named Heidi Vostler she was too fat to 0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:45.600 dance the ballet serenad just moments before she had to 0:20:45.640 --> 0:20:48.639 go on stage and perform it. She was so upset 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:53.040 she could barely get through the steps. Another former dancer, 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:57.320 Suzanne Farrell, received a letter from Balancing and included a 0:20:57.359 --> 0:21:01.240 personal poem and a ps that read, vote I hope 0:21:01.240 --> 0:21:03.800 by now you are thin and beautiful and light to lift. 0:21:05.480 --> 0:21:09.479 Suzanne later said she felt frightened and hurt. She wrote quote, 0:21:10.040 --> 0:21:12.040 I should have known it. I shouldn't have had to 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:15.639 be told. I felt stupid and inadequate, and I was 0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:17.840 so upset that I proceeded to try to lose weight 0:21:18.119 --> 0:21:21.360 right there. Thus my life was now hinging on two 0:21:21.400 --> 0:21:28.080 big problems, getting my entrance right and losing weight. Suzanne 0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:32.600 would eventually become Balancin's most famous dancer. His muse he 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:36.119 was in love with her and her dancing. Soon, younger 0:21:36.200 --> 0:21:40.960 dancers were trying to mold themselves after her. Gelsie Kirkland 0:21:40.960 --> 0:21:43.240 was one of them. She famously wrote about it in 0:21:43.280 --> 0:21:47.880 her memoir Balancing. Teased Gelsey for having a big head. 0:21:48.400 --> 0:21:52.440 Everyone wanted a small head like Susanne. Gelsie was desperate 0:21:52.440 --> 0:21:57.320 to look just like her, Balanchine's favorite ballerina. She wrote, quote, 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:00.960 he had such an obsession with her face that everybody, 0:22:01.040 --> 0:22:03.200 all of my friends, were trying to imitate the shape 0:22:03.200 --> 0:22:06.400 of her mouth. I went to the dentist and said 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:10.320 that I want buck teeth, and Gelsie knew she had 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:13.840 to be thin, she says. Balanchine wrapped his knuckles on 0:22:13.840 --> 0:22:17.720 her stern um and said, must see bones. He did 0:22:17.720 --> 0:22:21.440 not merely say eat less, she says, he repeatedly said 0:22:21.520 --> 0:22:24.800 eat nothing. I think I tried harder to please balancing 0:22:24.920 --> 0:22:28.560 than anybody. The physical cost was that it killed you 0:22:28.600 --> 0:22:34.840 to do it. An interviewer asked her once if Balancine 0:22:34.840 --> 0:22:38.399 cared about her body. She said he cared how it looked, 0:22:38.960 --> 0:22:42.359 not how it felt. When she was too sick to dance, 0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:45.239 she writes, Balancine gave her pills. He told her they 0:22:45.240 --> 0:22:50.400 were vitamins, but later she realized they were in phetamines. Eventually, 0:22:50.480 --> 0:22:53.280 Gelsie would depend on drugs to get through her performances, 0:22:54.040 --> 0:22:56.400 and when Balancine thought that her head was too big 0:22:56.480 --> 0:22:59.320 for her body, something she says he pointed out to 0:22:59.320 --> 0:23:02.800 her all the time, I'm she got silicone injections and 0:23:02.840 --> 0:23:07.720 had her ear lopes trimmed. Gelsie said, I starved by day, 0:23:07.840 --> 0:23:10.080 then binged on junk food and threw up by night. 0:23:10.680 --> 0:23:13.399 I took injections of pregnant cow's urine, reputed to be 0:23:13.440 --> 0:23:16.879 a miraculous diet aid. I emptied myself with enemas and 0:23:16.880 --> 0:23:20.520 steam bass, anything to mold the body her boss wanted. 0:23:28.680 --> 0:23:31.040 You might think, based on these clearly desperate measures, that 0:23:31.080 --> 0:23:35.359 Gelsie was unappreciated, but actually no, she was a legend, 0:23:35.640 --> 0:23:39.720 one of Balanchine's favorites, frequently cast in lead roles. But 0:23:39.800 --> 0:23:41.920 these were the kinds of measures she felt she had 0:23:41.960 --> 0:23:45.840 to take. Plenty of dancers resorted to plastic surgery or 0:23:45.880 --> 0:23:49.720 other extreme measures to stay slim. The pressure was real, 0:23:50.440 --> 0:23:53.760 and they knew what was required of them. You eat, sleep, 0:23:53.760 --> 0:23:59.919 and drink ballet. It is first, it's before everything down 0:24:00.240 --> 0:24:05.919 precedes everything. You give your all after balancing, noticed Stephanie. 0:24:05.920 --> 0:24:09.320 He visited her class frequently, often his eyes were on her. 0:24:10.040 --> 0:24:14.639 She couldn't understand why I really was behind and I 0:24:14.720 --> 0:24:19.239 really was not capable of delivering the goods consistently. But 0:24:19.320 --> 0:24:21.480 when I was allowed to do whatever I wanted to 0:24:21.520 --> 0:24:26.120 do in my own particular way, that worked. And then 0:24:26.119 --> 0:24:29.399 he started coming around, and then the teachers would say, 0:24:29.520 --> 0:24:30.960 you know, go to the front of the room, and 0:24:31.000 --> 0:24:32.520 I didn't want to go to the front of the room, 0:24:32.560 --> 0:24:35.359 and I would have practical panic attacks when he would 0:24:35.359 --> 0:24:38.960 come in, and I'd hide, and balancing would start, even 0:24:39.000 --> 0:24:41.200 coming into the back of the studio if I wouldn't 0:24:41.240 --> 0:24:50.159 go forward, whatever he saw, I can't say. What I 0:24:50.240 --> 0:24:55.360 do know is that I haven't over the topness. I've 0:24:55.400 --> 0:25:01.280 been told I don't do things some little ways. So 0:25:01.320 --> 0:25:04.600 I think what he saw was this person that if 0:25:04.720 --> 0:25:09.000 let loose, was going to run. Stephanie was willing to 0:25:09.040 --> 0:25:21.360 go there. When she danced, she didn't hold back. Balancine 0:25:21.400 --> 0:25:23.400 had this thing he said to his dancers all the time. 0:25:23.960 --> 0:25:27.560 People quoted again and again in the middle of rehearsal 0:25:27.760 --> 0:25:30.320 or the middle of class. If a dancer seemed not 0:25:30.359 --> 0:25:33.760 to be giving absolutely everything. He looked at them and say, 0:25:34.320 --> 0:25:38.359 what are you saving for? Dear, where are you gonna lose? 0:25:38.359 --> 0:25:41.600 You're gonna fall down. The floors really close by, and 0:25:41.800 --> 0:25:47.320 so you fall down, you get up. We were trained 0:25:47.359 --> 0:25:53.879 for that risk all, basically risk all, And then I 0:25:53.920 --> 0:25:56.719 got in and I didn't know which way was up. 0:26:00.280 --> 0:26:17.720 H m hm hm. I definitely loved drama. I loved 0:26:17.760 --> 0:26:24.679 heightened experiences, extremities, zig zagging. I don't I don't know 0:26:24.720 --> 0:26:26.760 that I loved it so much as I was drawn 0:26:27.240 --> 0:26:30.360 by it, to it and and embodied that as much 0:26:30.400 --> 0:26:35.280 as possible. Stephanie got into the company when she was eighteen. 0:26:35.960 --> 0:26:39.639 It meant a life of extremes. It was glamorous. And 0:26:39.680 --> 0:26:42.480 then we did a tour and then suddenly I was 0:26:42.560 --> 0:26:46.040 in and I was really in. It was really like quicksamp. 0:26:47.160 --> 0:26:50.720 Being in meant Stephanie had an intense schedule as a 0:26:50.720 --> 0:26:54.320 company member. You'd have morning class at ten am, rehearsals 0:26:54.359 --> 0:26:57.440 all day, get ready for a performance, perform in the evening, 0:26:57.880 --> 0:27:00.400 and finally leave the theater at maybe eleven at night. 0:27:01.200 --> 0:27:03.640 On top of that, you never know your exact schedule 0:27:03.720 --> 0:27:06.560 until the evening before when it would be posted, so 0:27:06.600 --> 0:27:09.440 you can't make plans for your life outside the company 0:27:09.800 --> 0:27:12.119 to be near the studio. All the dancers lived in 0:27:12.160 --> 0:27:14.720 the same area, a stretch of blocks on the upper 0:27:14.720 --> 0:27:20.600 west Side the dancers called the Ballet Belt. Because there 0:27:20.680 --> 0:27:23.960 is very little control of one's life in a company 0:27:24.040 --> 0:27:28.840 that size in terms of casting scheduling, there is a 0:27:28.880 --> 0:27:35.160 feeling of lack of control and a lack of ability 0:27:35.240 --> 0:27:40.639 to make choices for oneself. Decisions about you are being 0:27:40.680 --> 0:27:46.280 made for you, and so what happened was I would 0:27:46.400 --> 0:27:51.719 lash out by going dancing at clubbing, sleep with someone 0:27:52.000 --> 0:27:58.080 and staying up all night. That could be self harming 0:27:58.119 --> 0:28:01.520 in certain ways, but it was a way to work 0:28:01.680 --> 0:28:06.159 out that energy of frustration that I was not getting 0:28:06.200 --> 0:28:11.439 to choose. I think that's a normal Ladlescent behavior, to 0:28:11.480 --> 0:28:15.639 tell you the truth. But my escapes were really physical venting, 0:28:17.040 --> 0:28:21.840 really really physical venting. That was a coping mechanism for me. 0:28:28.920 --> 0:28:30.840 I could feel like you lived or died by what 0:28:30.880 --> 0:28:34.520 balancing thought of you. A dancer named Barbara wall Zach 0:28:34.560 --> 0:28:37.680 wrote about it. She says, I remember talking to him 0:28:37.720 --> 0:28:40.600 once when I must have been about sixteen. He said, 0:28:41.200 --> 0:28:43.400 you know, dear, I know you someday want to dance 0:28:43.400 --> 0:28:46.360 Swan Lake. But you know, if you ever do Swan Lake, 0:28:46.520 --> 0:28:48.800 I will never come to see you, because you will 0:28:48.800 --> 0:28:57.560 be terrible. Barbara writes, I was absolutely destroyed. Still, Barbara 0:28:57.600 --> 0:29:00.240 felt she had to dance for Balancing and not another 0:29:00.320 --> 0:29:04.720 ballet company. Balancing looked through you. When he watched you dance, 0:29:04.880 --> 0:29:07.800