1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,199 Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 12 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 3: Our feelings are not about someone else or another situation. 13 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 3: They're about us and I know that that can be confusing, 14 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:56,720 Speaker 3: but our feelings and our reactions really are our stuff. 15 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration, 16 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,480 Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments, 17 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:10,399 Speaker 2: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a 18 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 2: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also, 19 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe 20 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit Cultivatingherspace dot com to access our 21 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab. 22 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting 23 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Bussard, a 24 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist. 25 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 4: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 26 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 4: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 27 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 4: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 28 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,279 Speaker 4: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space 29 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 4: where black women can just be Hey, lady, it's Terry 30 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 4: here from the Cultivating her Space podcast. I'm hosting a 31 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 4: free podcasting masterclass where I'm going to teach you how 32 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 4: to create your impactful podcast and how you can generate 33 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:18,280 Speaker 4: multiple streams of income. You can visit podcast with Terry 34 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 4: dot com to register for free. I hope to see 35 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:21,799 Speaker 4: you there. 36 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:23,960 Speaker 1: All right. 37 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,639 Speaker 3: Our quote of the day don't get upset with people 38 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:37,720 Speaker 3: or situations. Both are powerless without your reaction. See, I 39 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 3: feel like I need to repeat that so that it 40 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 3: really sinks in. Don't get upset with people or situations. 41 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 3: Both are powerless without your reaction. Seem I feel like 42 00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,760 Speaker 3: I need to repeat it one more time, just so 43 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:00,320 Speaker 3: that if. 44 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: Real, for real, just sets it right. 45 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:10,200 Speaker 3: Yes, Yes, don't get upset with people or situations both 46 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:18,200 Speaker 3: are powerless without your reaction. I think that all of 47 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 3: us can really benefit from saying that to ourselves. That's 48 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,239 Speaker 3: partly why I said it three times, because I needed 49 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,600 Speaker 3: to hear it from myself three times. 50 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: Right, that. 51 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 3: Our feelings are about us. Right, Our feelings are not 52 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 3: about someone else or another situation. They're about us. And 53 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 3: I know that that can be confusing, But our feelings 54 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,000 Speaker 3: and our reactions really. 55 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 1: Are our stuff. 56 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 4: Yeahcker, I'm glad you read it three times because as 57 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,600 Speaker 4: you read it, the words that came to mind for 58 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:12,040 Speaker 4: me were maturity, emotional intelligence, taking responsibility and ownership. 59 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 5: Of one's feelings, and really not being a victim. 60 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 1: Like it. 61 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 4: To me, it's like you got to put your big 62 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:21,160 Speaker 4: girl pavings on and realize that we get to choose 63 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 4: how we respond and react to situations, no matter how 64 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,799 Speaker 4: much it might piss us off, right or make us happy. 65 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:32,719 Speaker 5: Right, it's either it's either end of the spectrum. 66 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 4: There, it's like we are in choice and so it 67 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 4: sounds like there's a lot of personal responsibility involved when 68 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,239 Speaker 4: it comes to the conversation that we're going to have today. 69 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:47,360 Speaker 3: Yes, I love that personal responsibility, emotional intelligence, yes, all 70 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 3: of that. 71 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,400 Speaker 5: So you know, I got a story, got a story. 72 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 5: I got a story ready, So let's just jump on in. 73 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:54,520 Speaker 5: So dom. 74 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 4: When I first moved to the Bay Area, right, I 75 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,920 Speaker 4: experienced a huge culture shock. Right. I remember walking down 76 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,279 Speaker 4: the street one day and you know, I'm walking, got 77 00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:06,600 Speaker 4: my headphones and I'm doing my thing. 78 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:12,080 Speaker 5: You see me, you see me walking? And I saw 79 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 5: this black sister and I was like, okay, I'm black. 80 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 1: You black. 81 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,840 Speaker 5: I see you around these streets. It's not a lot 82 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 5: of us out here. 83 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 4: So I kind of gave her the look where I'm like, 84 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,920 Speaker 4: hey girl, you know, I smiled, and she was just like, like, 85 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 4: no response. And I was like, well, damn, all right, 86 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,240 Speaker 4: I felt like you know what I mean, like, you 87 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 4: know someone doesn't respond to you. 88 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 5: Was just like, well, god damn. 89 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 4: And I noticed that this happened a lot, not just 90 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,600 Speaker 4: with this black woman, but it happened a lot in 91 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 4: this area. And I was like, well, damn, I'm not 92 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 4: sure if this is like an East Coast thing, right, 93 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,600 Speaker 4: because I grew up where if you're walking down the street, 94 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 4: you speak to the person. Remember those days, like you 95 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 4: would see someone down the street. It's just an innocent like, Hey, 96 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,919 Speaker 4: what's going on? Whatever, whatever, And I noticed that this 97 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 4: also happens down south. When I went to Atlanta, I 98 00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:54,359 Speaker 4: remember it just being like, oh my gosh, everyone just 99 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 4: speaks to you, and it's just so such good vibes. 100 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 4: Even the men like they would speak to you, and 101 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 4: it wasn't like they were trying to talk to you. 102 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,919 Speaker 5: It was like, hey, queen, you're looking good, all right, 103 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,359 Speaker 5: have a nice day, and they keep on pushing. 104 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,119 Speaker 1: I'm like, yes, okay, I see y'all. 105 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 4: So when I came here, I was just like, well, damn, y'all, 106 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 4: just don't be speaking to nobody. 107 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 5: And I think sometimes I don't know. 108 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,520 Speaker 4: It was very frustrating for me when I would look 109 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 4: at someone and they would look me dead in the 110 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,160 Speaker 4: face and then you just don't respond at all. 111 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,320 Speaker 1: So that's the worst. 112 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 4: And I'm want to be honest, I was at a 113 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,800 Speaker 4: point in my journey where it would kind of that 114 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,520 Speaker 4: set my whole morning right or like I be a 115 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 4: little pissy. So I'm like, well, damn, you didn't speak 116 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 4: to me. And I remember talking to one of my 117 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,760 Speaker 4: friends and she was like, well, I feel you. But 118 00:06:34,839 --> 00:06:37,160 Speaker 4: she's like, when you think about why you did it. 119 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 4: Were you speaking to them for a reaction or for 120 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 4: a response from them, or were you doing it just 121 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaker 4: because that's the essence of who you are? And so 122 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 4: I think that kind of goes into us diving to 123 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 4: this conversation right today, we're going to talk a bit 124 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 4: about why we might be taking things personally and how 125 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 4: to stop taking things personally and more so, that is 126 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:01,200 Speaker 4: my little story and my example of my experience moving here. 127 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 3: I love that example because I think that that's an 128 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,839 Speaker 3: example that we can all relate to, right like, where 129 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:13,679 Speaker 3: we have been in a situation where we are trying, 130 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:18,960 Speaker 3: we're just we're putting ourselves out there, and the expectation 131 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 3: going back to the common the observation that your friend 132 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 3: had right of were you doing it for a response 133 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 3: or were you doing it because this is who you are? 134 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 3: Right Like, as you said that, I was thinking about, like, 135 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 3: there's some people that walk down the street and they 136 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 3: are just in such a joyful, cheerful space that they 137 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:43,080 Speaker 3: speak to everybody and they're not even worried about They're 138 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 3: not even looking for. 139 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: A response back. 140 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,000 Speaker 3: They just want to speak to everybody, right They just 141 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 3: they're just trying to acknowledge all the folks exactly, and 142 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 3: I think about that and how that person is not 143 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 3: taking anything personally. 144 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,800 Speaker 1: They're in their own orbit doing them. 145 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 3: That's so rare though, because I think a lot of us, 146 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 3: if we're honest with ourselves, a lot of us would 147 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:13,240 Speaker 3: react how you did right, like, well, damn, what the 148 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 3: hell wrong with you? 149 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:18,200 Speaker 1: Why you're not speaking to me exactly? 150 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:23,360 Speaker 3: You know, And thinking about also as you said that, 151 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,480 Speaker 3: something else that came up, was thinking about when men 152 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 3: try to holler yes, and like you're walking down the 153 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,760 Speaker 3: street now, I will admit this does not happen to 154 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 3: me now, but like in my younger days, younger men 155 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 3: would and probably some older men too, from being honest. Okay, 156 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 3: sidetracked anyway, back on topic, walking down the street and 157 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 3: a man would try to holler, or you're at the 158 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 3: club with your girls and a man would try to 159 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 3: holler and you ignore them, Yeah, oh saint bitch, or 160 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,600 Speaker 3: why you can't speak, Oh you so stuck up? Or 161 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:09,080 Speaker 3: whatever the reason right, them taking it personal that you 162 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 3: did not acknowledge their existence. 163 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,319 Speaker 1: And on one. 164 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,920 Speaker 3: Hand, I could understand why they might take it personal. 165 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:22,000 Speaker 3: That's an ego thing, right ye. But on the other hand, 166 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,600 Speaker 3: you have no idea why I'm not speaking to you, right, 167 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 3: you're making assumptions about why I'm not speaking to you. 168 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 3: I might not have heard you because most of us 169 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 3: these days and even back then, you know, technology was 170 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 3: a little bit different, but the method was the same. 171 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 3: That we were distracted, we had headphones on, or we 172 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,840 Speaker 3: were on the phone, like we had other things going 173 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:54,719 Speaker 3: on that we weren't necessarily paying attention, right, or I 174 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:59,839 Speaker 3: could have been outright ignoring you, perfectly, honest, most of 175 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:00,920 Speaker 3: the design, that's what it. 176 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: Was, right, exactly, exactly right. 177 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:10,480 Speaker 3: So I'm like, but you don't know why I'm responding 178 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 3: to you the way that I am. Going back to 179 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 3: our quote of the day, you have no control. 180 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:23,760 Speaker 1: Over how I'm engaging with you, So you can't take 181 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 1: anything that I do. 182 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 4: Personal, right, Yeah, that makes sense. There have been times 183 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,320 Speaker 4: too where I may take something personal. So I'm thinking 184 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 4: of a few examples, right, Like you might text a friend, Okay. One, 185 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 4: I'm a very sensitive person in general, right, I would 186 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 4: consider myself to be a highly sensitive person. I also 187 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 4: tend to pick up on energy, and I know people 188 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,680 Speaker 4: say things like, oh, you can't read energy through a 189 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:49,680 Speaker 4: text message, y'all? 190 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,000 Speaker 5: I can. I can tell you, I can tell when 191 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 5: the shift, when the shift is coming, you. 192 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:54,360 Speaker 1: Know what I mean. 193 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 4: But it's like when you text a friend and you're 194 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,920 Speaker 4: really exciting, text all these emogis and they text you 195 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,880 Speaker 4: a one word back, right like that, where you're like, 196 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,400 Speaker 4: what's wrong with you? So I've had instances too down 197 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,960 Speaker 4: where I take them to personally and then I find 198 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 4: out later like oh, this person's going through a tough 199 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 4: time or they just got some news about something. And 200 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:15,199 Speaker 4: so because of those instances, I've gotten better with it. 201 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 4: Of course, why I'm still work in progress though, So 202 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,320 Speaker 4: I would love to just talk a bit about, you know, 203 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,240 Speaker 4: why do we take things personally? Right? 204 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:24,520 Speaker 5: Like, what does the research say? 205 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 4: What are some of the reasons why people take things personally? 206 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 3: Well, I'll let you start when you think about some 207 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 3: of the things, the instances where you've taken things personal. 208 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 3: What were some of the things that were happening for you? 209 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,040 Speaker 3: Because I want to come back to the research, but 210 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,480 Speaker 3: I also want us to think about like our real 211 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 3: life sceneials. 212 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 5: You know what. 213 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 4: The first thing that came to mind when you asked 214 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 4: that question was a sense of rejection. Now girl, okay, 215 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,559 Speaker 4: now a lot of stuff coming in for me. So, okay, 216 00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 4: rejection is one. A another is embarrassment. So maybe like 217 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 4: I wish, you know, something happened and it was like 218 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,880 Speaker 4: in front of other people, and all of this is 219 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,200 Speaker 4: going back. When I say these things, I'm thinking of childhood. 220 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 4: It's instances where I may have been rejected, where I 221 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,079 Speaker 4: may have been embarrassed or I put on the spot. 222 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,840 Speaker 4: And that's what's coming up for me is all that stuff. 223 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 4: So rejection, embarrassment, how I am perceived, or how I 224 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 4: look to other people of other people around. Yeah, those 225 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,439 Speaker 4: are the things that come to mind first. What about 226 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:27,679 Speaker 4: for you? 227 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 3: So I think for me, I think that embarrassment piece 228 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:38,319 Speaker 3: is a big one, right, that embarrassment or that shame 229 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,800 Speaker 3: or that guilt. 230 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:41,040 Speaker 1: Right. 231 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:45,440 Speaker 3: Oh, Because here's another example that I think happens quite 232 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:51,240 Speaker 3: regularly for folks with social media. That's the sub tweet. 233 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 5: Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, a subtweet, that's right. 234 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:55,280 Speaker 1: Yeah. 235 00:12:55,280 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 3: So I can think back to in my early twenties 236 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,840 Speaker 3: when I was first, like I think when Twitter was 237 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 3: first like really getting popular, that Twitter was a site 238 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:13,880 Speaker 3: that you would go to the subtweet. That's what you 239 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:18,920 Speaker 3: use Twitter for to go on there and you would 240 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,880 Speaker 3: post something about what you were feeling or like I 241 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 3: knew I had some folks that I knew that would 242 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,720 Speaker 3: go on Facebook and their Facebook. 243 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:32,960 Speaker 1: Status would be a subtweet. I call it subtweet. But 244 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Yeah, basically, you send. 245 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 3: In subliminal messages to somebody else, right, Like don't you 246 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 3: hate it when people make schedules to meet up for 247 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,760 Speaker 3: brunch and then they don't show up but you're not 248 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,440 Speaker 3: saying no names and really, just on Saturday, you had 249 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:58,360 Speaker 3: brunch plans with your homegirl and now your homegirl is 250 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,280 Speaker 3: looking at your status like bruh. 251 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 4: But wait, can we take it a step further? The 252 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 4: homegirl sees it and when she reaches out to you, 253 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 4: then you guess like and you'd be like, oh no, 254 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 4: that wasn't about you, girl, Like everything's about you, Like 255 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 4: I was just talking about things that happen in life, 256 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:14,880 Speaker 4: you know, Like then. 257 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 1: That part that part, so I mean, you know, you know, 258 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: I know really. 259 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 3: I think often sometimes what it is is that when 260 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 3: if let's say that I'm the person who is reading 261 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 3: that subliminal message right now, I know I was a 262 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 3: flaky friend who canceled brunch at the last minute. Right, 263 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 3: In that instance, yes, I'm gonna take that personal. Right, 264 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,960 Speaker 3: I am going to be like I am going to 265 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:56,800 Speaker 3: reach out and be like yo, like myself today would 266 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:02,200 Speaker 3: reach out and say, hey, real talk like I'm sorry 267 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,520 Speaker 3: that I flaked. Can we have a conversation about how 268 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:08,680 Speaker 3: it made you feel? Right? 269 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 1: Like, I want to take ownership. 270 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 3: Going back to our thing about personal responsibility, I want 271 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 3: to take ownership for my actions if I'm the person 272 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:24,080 Speaker 3: who you know. And in that instance, I'm it is personal. 273 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 5: Right. 274 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: But let's say that I am friend c right and 275 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: I read this and I know it's. 276 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 3: Been a minute. Maybe I'm feeling insecure. Maybe I'm feeling 277 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 3: guilty about our friendship, the status of our friendship, and 278 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:54,160 Speaker 3: maybe there was one time years ago where I flaked 279 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 3: on brunch. Me taking it personal is my insecurity. My 280 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 3: guilt is bringing me back to a situation years ago 281 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:08,000 Speaker 3: when really clearly this shit ain't about me, it's about friend. 282 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 5: B Yep, yep, that's a good point. 283 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: You know. 284 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:19,560 Speaker 3: So in that instance, it's also like insecurity guilt. Maybe 285 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 3: the current situation it's causing you, the level where the 286 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 3: friendship is currently that's causing you to feel insecure. Right, 287 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:37,720 Speaker 3: maybe there is you wanting to be perfect, because perfectionism 288 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 3: is another reason why we may take things personal, take 289 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:45,160 Speaker 3: things that aren't really about us and assume that they are. 290 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 3: Oh so that one time that I miss brunch, Oh 291 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 3: she's talking about me now, or maybe it wasn't even brunch. 292 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 3: She's saying brunch, but I missed happy hour two weeks ago, 293 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 3: So maybe she's talking about me and she's not saying. 294 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 3: She didn't really want to call me out, so she's 295 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:11,159 Speaker 3: changing it to brunch. Oh see, how we can easily 296 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 3: easily spiral with that? 297 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:18,199 Speaker 1: Yes, for sure, so many of us do it. 298 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,800 Speaker 4: Yeah, then they're done that. Let's let's be really. I 299 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,119 Speaker 4: definitely have been that person. 300 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:30,840 Speaker 3: So when I think about, like what the research is, right, Like, 301 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,280 Speaker 3: so we've already talked about a couple of those things. 302 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:41,520 Speaker 3: So the research says that it's trauma, wounds and triggers. Right, Yeah, 303 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:46,040 Speaker 3: that if you, for instance, if you grew up in 304 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:51,560 Speaker 3: a household where people focus more so on the negative 305 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 3: and less so on the positive, then you're gonna take 306 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:05,919 Speaker 3: everything personal, every critique, every piece of feedback. You're gonna 307 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:12,800 Speaker 3: take it as a personal attack, yeah, when really it's 308 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:18,240 Speaker 3: not meant to really hurt you. It's meant to help 309 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 3: you grow. 310 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,920 Speaker 1: Right. But if you're coming. 311 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,840 Speaker 3: From a space where you are you're coming from a 312 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,240 Speaker 3: household where maybe there was. 313 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,280 Speaker 1: Abuse, verbal or physical abuse. 314 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,800 Speaker 3: You're coming from a space where there was a lot 315 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:39,080 Speaker 3: of negative or physical discipline. It wasn't maybe it wasn't 316 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:44,160 Speaker 3: to the level of abuse, but it's still left trauma wounds. 317 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,840 Speaker 3: Maybe you're coming from a household where you had anxious 318 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:55,959 Speaker 3: parents and that left you constantly in an anxious space, 319 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:04,080 Speaker 3: always wondering can you will you do this right? And 320 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,879 Speaker 3: so all of those things are like triggers. 321 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,200 Speaker 4: I'm going to dive into that a little bit deeper, 322 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 4: just with the it's not a question, but just with 323 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,919 Speaker 4: the statement. So one of the things that I was 324 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,160 Speaker 4: reflecting on I may have talked to you about this offline, 325 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 4: was what I was realizing is that sometimes someone might 326 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 4: say something about us. And I remember someone said something 327 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:26,359 Speaker 4: about me and it wasn't true, but it got me 328 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 4: so worked up, and I was so upset about it, 329 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,680 Speaker 4: and I was thinking to myself, and I was reflecting, 330 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,119 Speaker 4: I'm like, wait, why am I so triggered? By this, 331 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:35,879 Speaker 4: and so I had to do some deep diving. But 332 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,680 Speaker 4: I find that sometimes if someone were to say something 333 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,960 Speaker 4: that didn't identify with me and it wasn't true, Like 334 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,160 Speaker 4: if they were like, that's why, that's why you purple, 335 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 4: and I'm like, oh, okay, like I'm not purple purple, 336 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,359 Speaker 4: Like I'm okay, that's okay, cool, and I'll keep it 337 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 4: pushing like I'm cool because I don't identify with that. 338 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,920 Speaker 4: It doesn't, you know, bring anything up for me. It's 339 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 4: not a mirror of when I was like purple in 340 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 4: my life, you know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, that 341 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 4: makes sense, right, Yeah, they were like, oh yourself fish right. 342 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,760 Speaker 5: I think that's actually maybe what they said. 343 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 4: Maybe I can't remember, but when I heard the statement, 344 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,600 Speaker 4: I remember having a going to friends and I was like, yeah, 345 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,800 Speaker 4: this person said this, and I kind of needed like 346 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,320 Speaker 4: additional validation, like I wanted someone to be in the 347 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,240 Speaker 4: drama with me and tell me how I wasn't selfish 348 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,320 Speaker 4: because I was just so triggered by them saying that 349 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:21,200 Speaker 4: even though I knew that I knew that it wasn't true. 350 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:25,320 Speaker 3: You know, yes, oh my gosh, yes, I've had situations 351 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,439 Speaker 3: like that. Like I can recall a situation where I 352 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:34,399 Speaker 3: had a friend give me feedback, and when I heard 353 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,919 Speaker 3: the feedback, I was like, this does not feel like me. 354 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 3: But also because I am in a space of wanting 355 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 3: to make sure that I am being a good friend, 356 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:51,520 Speaker 3: I was hurt that I wasn't living up to what 357 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,879 Speaker 3: my value of being a good friend. How I identify 358 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,840 Speaker 3: as being a good friend right right? And so then 359 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,880 Speaker 3: I was like, let me step that before I start 360 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 3: taking it personal. And this is kind of getting maybe 361 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,160 Speaker 3: getting into some of our tips, and we'll we'll come 362 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,400 Speaker 3: back to that, to the tips. But what I did 363 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,520 Speaker 3: was I took a step back before I allowed myself 364 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,959 Speaker 3: to get in that space of taking it personal. I 365 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:22,920 Speaker 3: checked in with my community, right like I remember checking 366 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,680 Speaker 3: in with you, and I remember checking in. 367 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,240 Speaker 1: With a couple of other folks of well is this 368 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:29,679 Speaker 1: me right? 369 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:35,919 Speaker 3: And I remember after have consulting with folks who know 370 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:42,800 Speaker 3: me and allowing myself to like really sit with no, 371 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:47,560 Speaker 3: this isn't you, that it's about the other person. 372 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,920 Speaker 1: This isn't about you, This is about their. 373 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:56,480 Speaker 3: Stuff, right, And sometimes when that happens, it's well, how 374 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:57,920 Speaker 3: can I support this person? 375 00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,960 Speaker 1: I want to hear what this person. 376 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:04,320 Speaker 3: Is saying, yeah, and how can I support them in 377 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 3: what they're bringing to me? Right, but also recognizing that again, 378 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,399 Speaker 3: this is not really about me. 379 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:12,680 Speaker 4: Yeah. 380 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,159 Speaker 5: Oh that's tricky. That's tricky. 381 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,640 Speaker 4: And I do want to point out that I love 382 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,679 Speaker 4: that you shared another example of when you kind of 383 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,800 Speaker 4: sought out the feedback from your community, because I do 384 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,800 Speaker 4: think that's useful at times, because if you are on 385 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,920 Speaker 4: a path of growth and personal development and someone gives 386 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 4: you feedback, you want to be open minded enough to 387 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,440 Speaker 4: analyze and go into the tips that we're going to 388 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,160 Speaker 4: talk about soon. But you want to be open minded 389 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 4: enough to analyze, and. 390 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,400 Speaker 5: Sometimes we do need to tap into our community, like, hey, 391 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 5: am I showing up in this way because maybe it's 392 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,760 Speaker 5: a blind spot that I have, right, And so it's 393 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,800 Speaker 5: nice that you were able to chat with folks who, 394 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,920 Speaker 5: let you know, like nonsense, that ain't true, that that's 395 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,359 Speaker 5: their stuff, right, Yeah, sometimes it is us, right, So 396 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,120 Speaker 5: I love that you pointed that out. So we got 397 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:52,840 Speaker 5: trauma wounds and triggers, right. 398 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 3: Yes, our current situation right, So your current status in 399 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 3: life when you you know, going back to that brunch example, 400 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:06,560 Speaker 3: like if the friendship is currently on shaky ground, then 401 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,520 Speaker 3: it could be easy to take anything that they say 402 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:14,399 Speaker 3: to you personal when and they're not even saying it 403 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,600 Speaker 3: to you, they're just putting it out there in the 404 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 3: social media universe, right, Exactly, it's easy for you to 405 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:27,240 Speaker 3: take it personal because the current situation isn't good, right, 406 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:32,080 Speaker 3: And so then you mix that in with with insecurity 407 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:39,119 Speaker 3: because you're insecure about your current situation, and then also 408 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:44,080 Speaker 3: recognizing that perfectionism comes into place because you want to 409 00:23:44,119 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 3: be that perfect friend, you want to have the perfect friendships. 410 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,760 Speaker 3: And then the last one that you had mentioned at 411 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:57,280 Speaker 3: the beginning was rejection. Right, that friendship is on shaky ground, 412 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,480 Speaker 3: and you don't want to be rejected by anybody because 413 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 3: then that goes against your narrative of being the perfect friend. 414 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:07,240 Speaker 5: Yes, that's loaded. 415 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,320 Speaker 4: So we have a couple of reasons, and I'm sure 416 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:10,960 Speaker 4: there are more out there, right, but the reasons that 417 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 4: we've covered today on why we take things personally oftentimes 418 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 4: trauma wounds and triggers our current situation, insecurity, perfectionism, and rejection. 419 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:22,879 Speaker 1: Pooh, that's a lot. 420 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,119 Speaker 5: That's a lot, all right. Should we dive into these tips? 421 00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:29,680 Speaker 4: Yes, let's do it, Okay, So how do we stop 422 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 4: taking things personally. We're going to use some examples and 423 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,560 Speaker 4: scenarios as well, but the first one is consider the 424 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,879 Speaker 4: source right and ask yourself. This has been so helpful 425 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 4: for me to down like, ask yourself. 426 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,080 Speaker 5: Whose is this? 427 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:41,760 Speaker 1: Right? 428 00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:46,240 Speaker 4: Yes, if you had that friend that's like you said friend, 429 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,679 Speaker 4: I think you said friend b right, they were the 430 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:52,080 Speaker 4: one that they didn't show up for dinner years ago 431 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,120 Speaker 4: or whatever it might have been, and the brunch post 432 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:55,120 Speaker 4: kind of triggered them. 433 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:55,560 Speaker 1: Yep. 434 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,440 Speaker 4: So sometimes you think, okay, wait, I saw this status, 435 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,320 Speaker 4: I know this person. I know this person's vibe and energy. 436 00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:04,960 Speaker 4: Sometimes they can be a little petty, right. 437 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,320 Speaker 5: And I haven't show I didn't show up for this 438 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:12,159 Speaker 5: dinner years ago. I don't think this is about me, Like, 439 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,520 Speaker 5: just who is this? Right? 440 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:14,280 Speaker 1: Right? 441 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,320 Speaker 4: I thought there's another example too. Have you had any 442 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 4: other situations where you were like, wait, whose stuff is this? 443 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:27,399 Speaker 1: I have had situations where someone is giving feedback right, like, 444 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,240 Speaker 1: well have you thought about working on this? 445 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:31,560 Speaker 5: Yeah? 446 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:38,680 Speaker 1: And really that's their stuff, right? The projecting, Yes, yes, 447 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,920 Speaker 1: that projection is cool. 448 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:47,040 Speaker 3: Like they're like you need to do blah blah blah, 449 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 3: and really it's like, no, hold on let me pause. 450 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:59,040 Speaker 5: I don't think so that's true. That's not true, right, yes, 451 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:00,520 Speaker 5: right right? 452 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:05,879 Speaker 1: Right? That ain't mean that you Yeah. So yeah, So 453 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,400 Speaker 1: to me, that one is I think that that's the 454 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 1: really first the first. 455 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 3: Piece of that process is considering your source because the 456 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,840 Speaker 3: other piece of that, too is oftentimes someone. 457 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,920 Speaker 1: Who is overly critical. 458 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:28,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, do I really take what they're saying personally? Like like, like, no, 459 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:31,159 Speaker 3: I'm not gonna take what they say personally because what 460 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:39,400 Speaker 3: I've noticed is that they criticize everyone about everything, So. 461 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 1: No this saying about me? 462 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:49,200 Speaker 3: And really, because they criticize everything, I can't really trust 463 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:54,280 Speaker 3: the feedback that they do give because I don't know 464 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:59,879 Speaker 3: when it's really authentic exactly. Like, if you got some 465 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:06,960 Speaker 3: the negative to say about everything and everybody, I don't 466 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 3: know if you're I again like, I can't trust if 467 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:15,320 Speaker 3: your feedback is useful to me or not, but I 468 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,280 Speaker 3: can trust that it ain't about. 469 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:24,240 Speaker 4: Me, Okay, And then that takes us to number two. 470 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 3: Yes, So number two is to identify your own triggers. Yes, 471 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:39,959 Speaker 3: So what are your things that are causing you to 472 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:47,439 Speaker 3: have a reaction? Right, So, if someone is coming to 473 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:51,719 Speaker 3: you and offering you feedback, or just making a comment 474 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,120 Speaker 3: in passing, because sometimes that's how it goes right when 475 00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:56,199 Speaker 3: you give the example when you gave the example at 476 00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 3: the beginning about how you were walking down the street, man, 477 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:06,000 Speaker 3: people weren't speaking to you, right, what is your trigger? 478 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:06,760 Speaker 1: Right? 479 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 4: I was a girl, don't don't get me started, but rejection, right, 480 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,159 Speaker 4: I think, wanted to get in, wanting to be heard. 481 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:17,480 Speaker 4: I didn't even really put that together until we started 482 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,680 Speaker 4: to have this conversation. I was like, oh damn, that 483 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 4: takes me back to the little girl who was, who 484 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 4: wasn't seen, who was ignored, who wanted attention, who didn't 485 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 4: get it right? 486 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,439 Speaker 5: Who was? And so, yes, what are your triggers? 487 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:34,640 Speaker 4: That's one of my goddamn triggers, okay. 488 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:38,120 Speaker 3: And recognizing that, right, and stepping back and asking yourself, okay, 489 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 3: so now that I've identified my trigger, is this really 490 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 3: about me? 491 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:45,360 Speaker 1: Right? 492 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 3: That's the question that you constantly are asking throughout this process. 493 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:53,440 Speaker 3: Is you keep coming back to is this about me? 494 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:54,479 Speaker 5: Yes? 495 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,120 Speaker 4: And being objective right, as objective as possible, because I 496 00:28:58,200 --> 00:28:59,800 Speaker 4: know that when these things happen, I know for me 497 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 4: times I get so worked up emotionally, and sometimes we 498 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,440 Speaker 4: just want to react but I started taking a deep 499 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:07,560 Speaker 4: dress and just going through the steps that we're going 500 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:07,880 Speaker 4: to share. 501 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:09,880 Speaker 2: We'll circle back around on them when we're finished. 502 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:11,840 Speaker 4: It could be really helpful in the way that you 503 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,640 Speaker 4: respond and how you navigate situations, because some people they're 504 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 4: just gonna dump their shit on you constantly. So we 505 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 4: have to be in choice on how we respond, right, 506 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:22,080 Speaker 4: And that takes us to number three, which is choose 507 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:23,440 Speaker 4: your plan of action. 508 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,680 Speaker 2: So that might be have a conversation with the person. 509 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 1: Right. 510 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 4: Do I need to have a conversation with that friend 511 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,320 Speaker 4: that posted that status where I felt like, are you 512 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:32,920 Speaker 4: low key coming from me? Like, let me go ahead 513 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,320 Speaker 4: and get some clarity, right? Or do you need to 514 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 4: go with it and do more healing right? 515 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:37,719 Speaker 1: Right? 516 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,520 Speaker 5: It is a trigger. Maybe there was something and maybe 517 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,520 Speaker 5: someone does share something and you're like, you know what. 518 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,120 Speaker 4: After I went through this process, I realized, you know what, 519 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,560 Speaker 4: they're right, Like my friend told me I'm super flaky. 520 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:51,080 Speaker 4: Maybe you know what I did back out of this 521 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,880 Speaker 4: and I did, you know, leave her text on red 522 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,680 Speaker 4: like I did do that? So maybe there needs to 523 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 4: be something that you need to work on within based 524 00:29:58,400 --> 00:29:59,840 Speaker 4: on what you've come up with. 525 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 5: I'm doing this activity. 526 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, those, I think that is super important. And 527 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:11,360 Speaker 3: then the second part of that is really going within, right, like, 528 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:14,920 Speaker 3: as you mentioned, like, I think that that is sometimes 529 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:18,720 Speaker 3: even more important, and it has to come before you 530 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:23,920 Speaker 3: have the conversation with the other person, right, Like, you 531 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:28,040 Speaker 3: have to get clarity within, because then that will help 532 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 3: guide the conversation that you have, right. Because, like, let's 533 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,040 Speaker 3: say that now I'm going to combine and conflate some 534 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:36,240 Speaker 3: of our stories here. 535 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:38,440 Speaker 2: Right, good, good, because I forgot some of them already. 536 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:46,040 Speaker 1: So let's say that your trigger is not being seen 537 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 1: or being reject and and being rejected. Right, And your 538 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:58,080 Speaker 1: friend is the one who posted about people being flaky, 539 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:01,920 Speaker 1: right then, and your plan of action is you have 540 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:03,960 Speaker 1: to go within, and you have to before you had 541 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 1: the conversation with her about well, why do you make 542 00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:08,640 Speaker 1: this post about me being flaky? 543 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:09,520 Speaker 5: Right? 544 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:17,160 Speaker 3: You go within and get clarity around. Okay, why am 545 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:21,360 Speaker 3: I upset? Why am I having a reaction to this 546 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:26,719 Speaker 3: status post? Right? What is it about this statement that 547 00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:30,960 Speaker 3: is making me upset? Oh, It's because i feel like 548 00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:34,960 Speaker 3: I'm being called out. And when I get called out, 549 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:41,640 Speaker 3: it makes me feel like I'm being rejected. And then 550 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 3: that brings up childhood wounds, and so then once you're 551 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:52,200 Speaker 3: clear on that, then you can go into the conversation 552 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,800 Speaker 3: with your friend and say, hey, I saw your post 553 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 3: and I wanted to check in with you about it. 554 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:04,800 Speaker 3: Was this post in reference to something between us? 555 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:11,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's perfect, I love it. And that takes us 556 00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:12,280 Speaker 2: to number. 557 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:17,920 Speaker 3: Four, which is addressing your unfinished business. Right, So in 558 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:22,280 Speaker 3: that you realize that, oh, I still have to do 559 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,720 Speaker 3: work on these feelings of rejection, that I had this 560 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:30,600 Speaker 3: fear of rejection that I have right, or I still 561 00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:33,440 Speaker 3: have to do work on why I want to be 562 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:40,400 Speaker 3: the perfect friend. And so then to address that unfinished business, 563 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:46,360 Speaker 3: you go and talk to your therapist, and part of 564 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:50,000 Speaker 3: the therapy process helps you to tap into and to 565 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:54,440 Speaker 3: get to the bottom of and to address those childhood 566 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:58,760 Speaker 3: wounds and why are they there and what needs to 567 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:01,600 Speaker 3: be done you can heal them. 568 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,720 Speaker 4: Yes, I love, love, love that, And I think part 569 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:09,080 Speaker 4: of addressing your unfinished business is creating like a personal 570 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,000 Speaker 4: sp right, like a standard operating procedures. I love to 571 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:15,400 Speaker 4: do stuff like this because I think I like to 572 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 4: clear out my mind as much as possible and not 573 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:20,840 Speaker 4: hold on to information that I don't necessarily need to 574 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,880 Speaker 4: keep up there and like wasting space for new things 575 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 4: to come in. 576 00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:24,400 Speaker 3: Right. 577 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:26,160 Speaker 4: So what I mean by that is one of the 578 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:29,320 Speaker 4: things that I've been working on is this approach to 579 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:33,600 Speaker 4: conflict for myself. So that means that I might write 580 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,480 Speaker 4: down a step by step process on how I'm gonna 581 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,920 Speaker 4: address conflicts and how I'm going to show up when 582 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,560 Speaker 4: it happens, so that it can be like this, this 583 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,800 Speaker 4: rent and repeat sort of process that I have, you 584 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:46,480 Speaker 4: know what I mean. So it says and the heat 585 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,960 Speaker 4: of the moment, I'm like, bit, you tried it and 586 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:50,719 Speaker 4: go write it on my friends stat It's like, instead, 587 00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:52,200 Speaker 4: I have a process before. 588 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:58,800 Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just saw it, Like. 589 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:00,920 Speaker 5: You try me? 590 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,760 Speaker 4: You just something else to do like that, right, So 591 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:04,600 Speaker 4: instead of that, it's like, okay, what is my Oh 592 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:05,920 Speaker 4: let me go to my journal. 593 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:07,920 Speaker 5: Okay, I'm going to do this first, I'm going to 594 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:08,359 Speaker 5: do this next. 595 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,480 Speaker 4: I think that is really helpful and I've been able 596 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,880 Speaker 4: to do that and work through that in therapy so 597 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,640 Speaker 4: that when things do happen in life, I can just 598 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:17,640 Speaker 4: show up in a way that I'm proud of. Right, Yes, 599 00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:19,720 Speaker 4: we make mistakes, but I think that having a personal 600 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:24,000 Speaker 4: soop for how you handle certain situations can be super important. 601 00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:28,480 Speaker 3: I just want to shout out that that personal sop. Listen, 602 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,920 Speaker 3: y'all we be forgetting that Terry has a degree in 603 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:34,400 Speaker 3: conflict resolution. 604 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:36,600 Speaker 1: So there. 605 00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:41,680 Speaker 3: I love how you created that sop and put that 606 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:42,360 Speaker 3: out there. 607 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:44,680 Speaker 4: Thank you, Dom, And I do plan to share that 608 00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:46,759 Speaker 4: at some point once life gets a little bit, you know, 609 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:49,239 Speaker 4: once life's life is a little bit more leveled out 610 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:50,520 Speaker 4: and I have time, I want to be able to 611 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:52,040 Speaker 4: create that and share it because I'm like, if it 612 00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 4: helps me, it might help someone else. Yeah, So yeah, 613 00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:57,840 Speaker 4: I think that's super super important. And we all and 614 00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:01,640 Speaker 4: I tell you, Dom, I've come along communication wise, like 615 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,680 Speaker 4: it used to be rough and I'm so much better now. 616 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,799 Speaker 4: I'm just so proud of myself. But yeah, girl, so 617 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:09,480 Speaker 4: I think that that's super helpful. And so I guess lady, 618 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,799 Speaker 4: we should circle back around on all the tips for 619 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:14,440 Speaker 4: you in caase you're taking notes, hopefully taking notes about 620 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,560 Speaker 4: the episode, so you. 621 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:17,719 Speaker 5: Want to read them off dowm or you want me 622 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:18,480 Speaker 5: to share. 623 00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 1: I got you. 624 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:25,440 Speaker 3: So Tip number one is consider the source, ask yourself 625 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:33,160 Speaker 3: who is this? Tip number two identify your triggers. Tip 626 00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 3: number three is a two parter, So as you choose 627 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:39,920 Speaker 3: your plan of action, do you need to have a 628 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:43,200 Speaker 3: conversation with the person or do you need to go 629 00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:48,520 Speaker 3: within and do more healing. And if you do, then 630 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:52,080 Speaker 3: that leads us to tip number four, which is address 631 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:55,719 Speaker 3: your unfinished business, and that can be through talking to 632 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:59,800 Speaker 3: a therapist, that can be through creating a person. 633 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:06,680 Speaker 4: Now, lady, we're about to finish the conversation on Patreon 634 00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:08,759 Speaker 4: for the after show, but we want you to do 635 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,400 Speaker 4: a couple of things. If you like the podcast and 636 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,239 Speaker 4: you want to support us, go connect with us on 637 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,920 Speaker 4: Instagram okay at her Space podcast and drop us some 638 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,920 Speaker 4: green hearts on our latest post to let us know 639 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:22,279 Speaker 4: that you tuned into this episode until the end, and 640 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,279 Speaker 4: then go check us out on Patreon. You can get 641 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,920 Speaker 4: exclusive video content and see us on video as we chat, 642 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:29,320 Speaker 4: and make sure that you know whose voice is who's 643 00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,520 Speaker 4: as we chat, because I know some people sometimes mix 644 00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:32,719 Speaker 4: of our voices, So if we want to see our 645 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,120 Speaker 4: expressions and all the fun stuff, check us out on Patreon. 646 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:38,080 Speaker 4: You can visit our website herspacepodcast dot com and click 647 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:40,160 Speaker 4: on Patreon at the top, and I. 648 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:41,560 Speaker 5: Think we should go ahead and get ready for the 649 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:42,279 Speaker 5: after show down. 650 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,040 Speaker 1: I'm ready for the after show. 651 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:45,680 Speaker 5: All right, girl, let's head on open. 652 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,680 Speaker 1: Hey lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her 653 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:54,759 Speaker 1: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state 654 00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:59,960 Speaker 1: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, 655 00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:05,240 Speaker 1: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com. 656 00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:10,560 Speaker 1: That's d R D O M I N I q 657 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:16,280 Speaker 1: U E b R O U ss ar D dot 658 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:20,279 Speaker 1: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. 659 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:25,160 Speaker 3: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for joining 660 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:30,120 Speaker 3: us today. Please note that our show may contain conversations 661 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:35,840 Speaker 3: about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health, but 662 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:38,799 Speaker 3: is by no means meant to be a substitute for 663 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:43,160 Speaker 3: an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider. 664 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,680 Speaker 3: If you are someone you know is in need of 665 00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:50,280 Speaker 3: mental health care, please visit a Therapy for Black Girls 666 00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:55,520 Speaker 3: directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider. 667 00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:58,040 Speaker 4: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 668 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:02,280 Speaker 4: the conversation going, visit our way website, Cultivatingherspace dot com 669 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:04,799 Speaker 4: and be sure to click the Patreon tab to get 670 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:09,600 Speaker 4: access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show 671 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:13,520 Speaker 4: and before we meet again, repeat after me. Greatness is 672 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:17,560 Speaker 4: my birthright, so I no longer ask for permission,