Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for sam in a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: When you are in a relationship and you're acting like
Speaker 1: you don't know what you do, know, that is going
Speaker 1: to be a problem. When you know what you want
Speaker 1: to do, when you know what time it is, but
Speaker 1: you want to sit around acting like there's something you
Speaker 1: don't know, it is going to bite you. Yeah, up,
Speaker 1: it's gonna bite you. And we do that because so
Speaker 1: very often it's hard for us, particularly women, to say
Speaker 1: I made a mistake. Well, I've got some good news
Speaker 1: for you. Not only can you say it, but when
Speaker 1: you say it, there is life on the other side.
Speaker 1: Both of my callers today are going to show us
Speaker 1: just that that there's life on the other side of
Speaker 1: acknowledging you made a mistake. Take a listen. Greetings beloved,
Speaker 1: welcome to the arts, but thank you for calling in today. Now,
Speaker 1: what is your relationship issue? Challenge dilemma that we can
Speaker 1: chew on for a little while, Thank you, ma'am. Apparently
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with lack of intimacy in my relationship. The
Speaker 1: issue also is that you know, my husband and I,
Speaker 1: we we met in the military and the Air Force.
Speaker 1: Then we I think we've got married twenty seven it's
Speaker 1: almost going to be nine years. And the issue is
Speaker 1: I I didn't know I had unresolved a d h D.
Speaker 1: And it was him who realized it because we had
Speaker 1: such a fault in our relationship because he wasn't able
Speaker 1: to communicate with me that once he found out what
Speaker 1: I had, he thought I was like a disability, because
Speaker 1: you know, most of the time you'll say, well, you know,
Speaker 1: it's like you have cancer, and I can't leave someone
Speaker 1: with cancer. That's how he compares it. And so I
Speaker 1: did the work, you know, I I watched your show
Speaker 1: before I had money for therapy. I went to therapy
Speaker 1: that e M b R. I. I did everything that
Speaker 1: he told me that I needed to fix in order
Speaker 1: for him to feel vulnerable enough to open himself. He
Speaker 1: wanted me to work on myself. And so last year
Speaker 1: was I pretty much told myself this isn't going anywhere,
Speaker 1: and we we looked at divorce and then I think
Speaker 1: one he saw that I actually put in the effort
Speaker 1: to make it happen. He he convinced me not to
Speaker 1: do it and to continue working on our relationship. And
Speaker 1: every time I bring it up, Peele tell me something
Speaker 1: that isn't right with me the sentences. Until you resolve this,
Speaker 1: I can't give you this, which is intimacy. You know.
Speaker 1: He's not a hugger, he's not very touchy feely, but
Speaker 1: that is my love language, you know. And recently I said, Okay,
Speaker 1: done the work. I'm here, I'm your partner. But what
Speaker 1: is it now? And he said, well, you have to
Speaker 1: be consistent. Consistency is not your thing. And once we
Speaker 1: get there, then I can actually trust that I can
Speaker 1: open myself up to And I feel almost as this
Speaker 1: this is going in a circle and I'm not scared
Speaker 1: to leave him. I'm just scared to miss out on
Speaker 1: a great man. He's helped me, He's been there for me.
Speaker 1: I've gotten to a point where I love myself so
Speaker 1: much that I don't respect myself with dealing with this,
Speaker 1: and I feel like I need help, maybe communicating to
Speaker 1: him this without making him feel defensive or redirecting me,
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. Mm hmm, thank you for sharing. Now,
Speaker 1: So I have a very pointed and specific question. I
Speaker 1: heard you say there's a lack of intimacy in your relationship.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Yes, ma'am, that means no touching,
Speaker 1: no hugging, no not even holding hands when we watch
Speaker 1: TV together, we just sit in the couch. That's a
Speaker 1: big one. Is there sex? I would initiate it, but
Speaker 1: not out at ten times he would say no. So
Speaker 1: when he introduces sex, I would welcome it because I've
Speaker 1: I would almost be through where the young people say
Speaker 1: thirsty for it, hung and it doesn't. I want to say,
Speaker 1: three weeks now, I haven't even tried. I'm almost like
Speaker 1: shut down because I don't. I don't even want that,
Speaker 1: and he hasn't either. On its freak me. Both been
Speaker 1: pretty hands off, and I feel like we're going even
Speaker 1: worse I don't know worse path Like when I would
Speaker 1: ask him, why don't you leave me? Why don't you
Speaker 1: find someone who's consistent or you know, no mental health issues,
Speaker 1: He's like, well, because you have a disability. The only
Speaker 1: reason why, he says, he's with me is because I
Speaker 1: constantly work every day to become a better person. Okay,
Speaker 1: so what degree does he have that gets him to
Speaker 1: determine that you're disabled? He has a psychology degree. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah. Okay, I want to bring back to
Speaker 1: your awareness something that you said and let us chew
Speaker 1: on it for just a little bit. Okay. He wanted
Speaker 1: me to work on myself so he would feel vulnerable.
Speaker 1: Did I hear you say that? Yes, So he wanted
Speaker 1: me to focus on, you know, my office of trauma,
Speaker 1: which I did. I'm there, become more aware, and then
Speaker 1: focus on being consistent in order for him to feel comfortable,
Speaker 1: I guess, to trust me and to feel vulnerable too,
Speaker 1: like a hair down. Mhm. Now, you may have trauma
Speaker 1: and a d h D, but you did serve in
Speaker 1: the military, so I'm willing to be wrong. But there
Speaker 1: is a part of me that senses, you know, that
Speaker 1: is absolutely crazy that you gonna work on yourself so
Speaker 1: he can have an experience within himself. Is that what
Speaker 1: you're saying to me? That's what I'm hearing from you.
Speaker 1: But I think I've convinced myself. I've convinced myself that
Speaker 1: it made sense because I did have a lot of
Speaker 1: those issues. You know, I don't care if you had
Speaker 1: green bookers hanging out your nose. Blowing your nose was
Speaker 1: not gonna make him feel no different. So let me
Speaker 1: ask you this, my beloved, what are you acting like
Speaker 1: you don't know? Start here? I'm acting like I don't
Speaker 1: know that things are not going to change, okay, and
Speaker 1: that makes me feel That makes me feel sad. Yeah?
Speaker 1: What else? What else are you acting like you don't know?
Speaker 1: I'm acting like I don't know. It was never about me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: take ober, and that makes me feel one. Okay, thank
Speaker 1: you for telling the truth, because the truth will set
Speaker 1: you free. Mm hmm? What else are you acting like
Speaker 1: you don't know? I don't need him. You may want him,
Speaker 1: but you don't need him, right. Yeah? You know? I
Speaker 1: want chocolate covered almonds all the time. I love chocolate
Speaker 1: covered milk chocolate. I don't like DC chocolate. But I
Speaker 1: know if I continue to buy that big old jar
Speaker 1: that they sell in the home goods that you can
Speaker 1: get for five nine it's got about a thousand chocolate
Speaker 1: almonds in there, that me and my butt are not
Speaker 1: gonna be good friends. I have to work with myself
Speaker 1: because I want them, but I know I don't need them.
Speaker 1: What else are you're acting like you don't know my love?
Speaker 1: I know I can leave. My actions have been. I
Speaker 1: go in the room knowing I want to fire him,
Speaker 1: and then in some kind of way I leave, like
Speaker 1: renewing his contract. That's a good analogy, and that's because
Speaker 1: you're looking at what he brings to you and not
Speaker 1: what you bring to him. Clearly, you bring faith and trust.
Speaker 1: Clearly you bring courage to the table, and what he
Speaker 1: brings to the table is what's wrong with you. He
Speaker 1: has as money problems as you do. Would that be accurate? Yes, Noah,
Speaker 1: Otherwise you wouldn't have attracted each other. Right. The woman
Speaker 1: who he married is not who you are today, and
Speaker 1: he's not honoring who you are today. I think that's
Speaker 1: why I feel I think sometimes when I know I'm
Speaker 1: living the day to day that I don't feel good about. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I must confess I almost hate myself for feeling
Speaker 1: weak when he speaks almost as what he says is gold.
Speaker 1: That makes sense. Yeah, Oh wait a minute, I've been there.
Speaker 1: I've been on that step. Yeah, I had a little
Speaker 1: condo on the step of his opinion is more important
Speaker 1: than mine. I've been on that step. Yeah, And what
Speaker 1: I'm hearing in your sharing is that you are focusing
Speaker 1: on leaving him rather than standing up for you. So,
Speaker 1: as opposed to how can I leave him? I would
Speaker 1: offer you to consider how can I stand up? But
Speaker 1: all this work I've done and who I am now? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree. I hear it in my chest because I
Speaker 1: worked so hard to stand up to family members other
Speaker 1: people who have made me feel inferior, and it seems
Speaker 1: like I can't do that with him, almost as if
Speaker 1: I feel owed to him, you know, because you're looking
Speaker 1: at what he has brought to the table rather than
Speaker 1: the fact that your life is your table and only
Speaker 1: you get to say who sits there. Mm hmm. I
Speaker 1: want to challenge you a bit on something I just heard.
Speaker 1: You say that you've done the work to stand up
Speaker 1: to family members who've done things to you. Is that right? Yes?
Speaker 1: So I always have this little piece of paper that
Speaker 1: I scribble on when people are talking. Would I be
Speaker 1: accurate if I were to say that somewhere in there
Speaker 1: you have a damaged goods story that you're damaged goods? Yes, ma'am. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: And so this guy continues to point out the ways
Speaker 1: in which you're damaged, how your damage and how your
Speaker 1: damage is impacting him. And because you believe that story.
Speaker 1: How old is that story? Is she five? Is she seven?
Speaker 1: And she twelve? How old is the damage? Good girl? Oh?
Speaker 1: As long as I'm married, before the marriage through the family,
Speaker 1: how old is she? Somewhere around seven? Nine? Oh? Yeah? Nine? Yeah?
Speaker 1: A parent? The parent? Okay, see, so I'm I'm I'm
Speaker 1: onto something here. So what do we do now? We'll
Speaker 1: talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the artspan. Let's get back to the conversation. I want
Speaker 1: to talk to the little girl who thinks she's damaged. Good. Okay, Hi, sweetie,
Speaker 1: aren't you precious? I know nobody has probably told you
Speaker 1: that for but you are precious. And not only are
Speaker 1: you precious, you are strong and you are brave and
Speaker 1: I have to say, quite beautiful. And I know things
Speaker 1: have been rough for you and hard for you, but
Speaker 1: I want you to know that I know who you're
Speaker 1: gonna be, and you're gonna do a lot of work
Speaker 1: for yourself and on yourself to heal up all of
Speaker 1: this stuff. So I want to give you permission to
Speaker 1: be powerful and strong. Sure, you've had some damaging things
Speaker 1: happened to you, and it's not your fault, but it's
Speaker 1: your responsibility to step into your power and your strength
Speaker 1: and your courage. I know a lady who's gonna help
Speaker 1: you do it, So you just rest a while and
Speaker 1: let her take over, because she's got some things that
Speaker 1: she has to do right now to keep you all safe.
Speaker 1: And one of those things may be moving or changing
Speaker 1: where you live and who you live with. But don't worry.
Speaker 1: You're all going to be able to do this together.
Speaker 1: But you gotta let her leave. Pick a breath with me.
Speaker 1: I want that nine year old to let you leave
Speaker 1: because when he starts telling you how damaged you are
Speaker 1: and what else you need to work on, she takes dominion.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you, Yes, you know what
Speaker 1: to do. I'm never gonna advocate to somebody you've got
Speaker 1: to leave your marriage. I will always advocate specifically to
Speaker 1: women that you have to stand for yourself and you
Speaker 1: have to honor yourself if you expect anybody else to
Speaker 1: do it. Okay, now, wouldn't you like to one day
Speaker 1: just go to victorious Secret and buy you a hot
Speaker 1: little red nighty and some little red furry pumps and
Speaker 1: come home and have somebody rock your world. Wouldn't you
Speaker 1: like that very much? Ma'am ya, don't deny yourself the
Speaker 1: privilege you deserve it. What if universe of life and
Speaker 1: all of its wisdom brought you this man as your
Speaker 1: teacher to help you see and recognize and understand the
Speaker 1: things you needed to work on. What if that was
Speaker 1: his only purpose? You're gonna stay in this class forever.
Speaker 1: I think I wanted to, right crazy, No, you didn't know.
Speaker 1: Now you have new information. You have information that this
Speaker 1: was never about you. You have the information that he's
Speaker 1: trying to make you responsible for his internal turmoil. And
Speaker 1: because he has a psychology degree, so what Yeah, But
Speaker 1: I want to say this to you also because I
Speaker 1: hear the hesitancy and questioning. Create your exit strategy. You
Speaker 1: were in the military, and if you were going into
Speaker 1: battle or you were going into an unfriendly territory, you
Speaker 1: had to have a strategy. So create your exit strategy
Speaker 1: in your mind and work with it, and work with it,
Speaker 1: and work with it until you're ready to execute that
Speaker 1: strategy and extract yourself from the enemy territory, and the
Speaker 1: enemy territory is not him. The enemy territory is any
Speaker 1: place that doesn't honor your power, your strength, your courage,
Speaker 1: your faith and trust that you put in yourself. Create
Speaker 1: an next strategy and create the vision to have somebody
Speaker 1: who would appreciate your red hot titty from Victoria's secret
Speaker 1: in your furry red pulps. That's gonna be your next
Speaker 1: duty assignment to find that person. Yeah, be gentle, be easy,
Speaker 1: take your time. You're not rushing, you're not running. You
Speaker 1: ain't had no nookie in three weeks. You can go
Speaker 1: another three or four or six or nine or whatever
Speaker 1: it takes. Makes sense, right, Yeah, because I think in
Speaker 1: the past I would have just gone to him, like
Speaker 1: after a therapy session, I'd go to him. I'm like,
Speaker 1: why don't you do this? Why don't you do this?
Speaker 1: And I think it would end up in that cycle.
Speaker 1: If you're saying, come to him when I'm ready, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you gotta be ready. So let me give you a
Speaker 1: battle cry. Here it is. I'm done. I'm done. God,
Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done. No explanation, no story, that's it.
Speaker 1: I'm done. This is what I'm doing. I don't know
Speaker 1: what you're doing. Give me one good. I'm done, I'm done.
Speaker 1: Oh hey, that's what I'm talking about. I want you
Speaker 1: to put that on and wear it until it fits
Speaker 1: like a glove. Okay, yes, man, alright, for love it,
Speaker 1: let me hear from you. Okay, well, okay, fine, hear
Speaker 1: me loud and clear. There is never anything you can
Speaker 1: do to make someone else feel better about themselves. Let
Speaker 1: me say that again. There is never anything you can
Speaker 1: do to make anyone feel better about themselves. And if
Speaker 1: they are requesting, requiring, demanding that you change so they
Speaker 1: can feel better, baby, they are playing you just like
Speaker 1: a fiddle. Note to file. Okay, there is never anything
Speaker 1: you can do to make anyone else feel better about themselves.
Speaker 1: I've got another caller, same problem, different angle. Somebody here
Speaker 1: is acting like they don't know what they do know.
Speaker 1: Take a listen, Hi, gayl, Welcome to the our spot
Speaker 1: And what is the challenge issue dilemma that you are
Speaker 1: facing today that we can nibble on together. First, I
Speaker 1: want to say thank you so much for taking my call.
Speaker 1: My dilemma is that I've been in a relationship with
Speaker 1: my husband for eleven years. We've been married for four years,
Speaker 1: and we essentially grew up together. We met in our
Speaker 1: twenties and here we are eleven years later, and I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm growing, I'm continuing to grow, and he's
Speaker 1: still stagnant and hasn't improved his his ability to be
Speaker 1: more emotionally intelligent and be present with me and the
Speaker 1: relationship so that we can grow together. And it's been
Speaker 1: one sided for so long. I'm at a place now
Speaker 1: where I feel like it's probably time for me to
Speaker 1: file for divorce. I'm scared to do that. I'm terrified
Speaker 1: to do that, but I feel like in order for
Speaker 1: me to be happy and for me to continue to grow,
Speaker 1: this may be something that I have to do. M hmm. Okay,
Speaker 1: do you have children? Do you all have children together?
Speaker 1: We don't have any children. We have two dogs who
Speaker 1: I prefer to all my children. But no, no, no
Speaker 1: children at all. Okay, it is one sided. Tell me
Speaker 1: more about that. What does that mean? I heard you
Speaker 1: say he hasn't improved and it's been one sided. So
Speaker 1: let's deal with the one sided first. Okay. When I
Speaker 1: say one sided, whenever we have a disagreement, he will
Speaker 1: completely shut down. He won't talk to me. If I
Speaker 1: try to talk to him, he'll give me the silent treatment.
Speaker 1: And I'm the one that has to reach out to him.
Speaker 1: In order for us to get any resolves. It has
Speaker 1: to be me that initiates the conversation or initiates the
Speaker 1: apology that I don't necessarily think I have to give.
Speaker 1: But it's always me that has to be the one
Speaker 1: to initiate that in order for us to at least
Speaker 1: attempt to get back to good terms. And it's been
Speaker 1: like that for so long that I I'm sick of
Speaker 1: knowing it. I don't want to take accountability for my
Speaker 1: wrongdoing if he's not going to do the same. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me ask you a question. Do you know his
Speaker 1: love language? He is a physical touch. That's his love language, okay,
Speaker 1: And what is yours? My love language is acts of kindness? Okay?
Speaker 1: And do you get that from him? No? For so
Speaker 1: many years, I've been the one that's been pouring into
Speaker 1: him and supporting him. Even in the household. I'm the
Speaker 1: one that does the cooking, the cleaning, I take care
Speaker 1: of our dogs, I take care of the household in general,
Speaker 1: and he just sits back and allows me to do that.
Speaker 1: But because my love language is different from his. He
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like I give him what he needs when
Speaker 1: it comes to physical touch. But because I work all
Speaker 1: day and come home and have to clock in and
Speaker 1: do another shift. By doing a lot of things around
Speaker 1: the house, I'm tired. We don't even have any kids,
Speaker 1: and I'm exhausted by the end of the day. So
Speaker 1: physical touch is a lasting on my mind. Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you a question? Mhm, have you made
Speaker 1: room for him to step up? To be honest, I
Speaker 1: don't know if I know how to give him the
Speaker 1: room to step up because he's failed me so many times.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? He failed me so many times?
Speaker 1: What does that mean he's let me down? Like if
Speaker 1: he tells me he's going to do something and doesn't
Speaker 1: do it, I feel like that's a let down for me.
Speaker 1: And because he does that often, I haven't felt comfortable
Speaker 1: or even if I know how to allow him the
Speaker 1: space to step up? Can I offer some suggestions? Eat out,
Speaker 1: don't cook, that's a real simple one. Bring your dinner
Speaker 1: home in the bag, come home, feed the dogs, walk
Speaker 1: the dogs, whatever, that's it. Wash your clothes, don't wash
Speaker 1: his make up, your side of the bed, don't make
Speaker 1: up his leave the dust bunnies till they just have
Speaker 1: children and they're hopping all over the house. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: that's gonna be so hard for me because I hate Well,
Speaker 1: that's okay, that's okay. You're either gonna leave this marriage
Speaker 1: or you're gonna make it liberal. Yeah, stop cooking, stop shopping,
Speaker 1: stop doing laundry, stop it. Give him the space to
Speaker 1: step up. And if he asks you all you cooking said,
Speaker 1: oh no, you're not a I've been doing it all
Speaker 1: these years. It's time for you to do it. Tell
Speaker 1: him to watch beat Bobby Flay. You'll learn some tricks.
Speaker 1: Make the room for him to step up. You're complaining
Speaker 1: that he hasn't stepped up, but you're also complaining that
Speaker 1: you're doing everything. Where is he supposed to get in? Yeah,
Speaker 1: he don't want to talk to you. Don't talk to him.
Speaker 1: Don't talk to him. I have done that. I've made
Speaker 1: the decision to stop talking. And the thing is he
Speaker 1: can go days, weeks, maybe even a month without addressing
Speaker 1: the issue, without speaking to me. And it's like, if
Speaker 1: you can do that to your wife, I don't know
Speaker 1: what to expect from you. In the future. If you
Speaker 1: can do that to me now after nothing, don't expect anything.
Speaker 1: He don't want to talk to you. Three days in,
Speaker 1: pack your bags and go to the hotel. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean really, I want you to be careful about the
Speaker 1: spiritual arrogance of I've grown and he hasn't. Well, he
Speaker 1: didn't sign up to grow. That ain't what he signed
Speaker 1: up for. Yeah, you decided to grow, and your paths
Speaker 1: may be different. So don't be arrogant enough to think
Speaker 1: that because you've done it, he needs to do it.
Speaker 1: You can still love him and have a great relationship
Speaker 1: with him. And if he's barely lit and dimly glowing,
Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do, But don't measure
Speaker 1: his progress based on your progress, because that's not what's
Speaker 1: going to make the marriage. You've been together eleven years,
Speaker 1: so you were seven years in when you said I
Speaker 1: do So either you saw things and you thought you
Speaker 1: could change them, or you didn't see these things, and
Speaker 1: now they've come to your awareness and you get to choose.
Speaker 1: So what are you choosing? Are you choosing to just
Speaker 1: go or are you choosing to make the marriage work.
Speaker 1: I have a solution for you, and you are probably
Speaker 1: not going to like it. Are you ready? Okay, we'll
Speaker 1: do it right after this break. Welcome back. I am
Speaker 1: y'm lt. This is the our spot. You may be
Speaker 1: able to inspire him a couple of hungry days. Oh
Speaker 1: you want me to cook? I don't cook for people
Speaker 1: that don't speak to me. Sorry, you wash your own clothes.
Speaker 1: I can't wash clothes with somebody that would be violent
Speaker 1: enough to walk around in my house and don't speak
Speaker 1: to me. I can't wash your clothes. Yeah, I feed
Speaker 1: the dogs. Yeah? May I ask a question? Sure? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: How do I find the courage two leave? If I'm
Speaker 1: not wanting to make the marriage work, if I've met
Speaker 1: my endpoint and I'm at wits end coming from a
Speaker 1: family that was broken and my parents split up, and
Speaker 1: the fear of repeating that past. But you've it's broken,
Speaker 1: it's broken. What are you afraid of? You sitting in it?
Speaker 1: It's broken, It's already broken. It is. But I'm I'm
Speaker 1: afraid of failing. I'm afraid of admitting, admitting to myself
Speaker 1: that it didn't work. Stop right there, it didn't work,
Speaker 1: Say that it didn't work. It didn't work. My marriage
Speaker 1: didn't work. My marriage didn't work, Okay, trying this one.
Speaker 1: Oh damn, my marriage did not work. Say that one.
Speaker 1: Oh damn, my marriage did not work. Okay. What did
Speaker 1: your parents have to do with this? That don't have
Speaker 1: nothing to do with this? Stop that. Springing to the
Speaker 1: present moment, and what's in the present moment, beloved, what's
Speaker 1: right here in your face, in the present moment with
Speaker 1: you and the two dogs. You're gonna split the dogs up.
Speaker 1: You take when you take the other, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: do that. I have already come to the conclusion that
Speaker 1: I may not be able to take my dogs with me.
Speaker 1: I don't want them to be separated, because I don't
Speaker 1: want them to be sad, but I want happiness for myself.
Speaker 1: But let me just say this, because I've studied this.
Speaker 1: I've got two Pomeranians, peace and Freedom, and they love
Speaker 1: each other. They jump with their two girls, and they
Speaker 1: hump on each other. I don't know what they're doing.
Speaker 1: I don't know if they're having such sexual identity crisis.
Speaker 1: I don't know what the problem is. But one of
Speaker 1: the things that my vet told me is dogs don't
Speaker 1: feel emotion. You can beat a dog like people who
Speaker 1: abuse their dogs. And stuff like that. But if that
Speaker 1: owner showed up today with some food or treat, the
Speaker 1: dog will go right back to the same person. Dogs
Speaker 1: don't have emotions, so stop it with I don't want
Speaker 1: them to miss each other. They don't ain't gonna miss
Speaker 1: each other. You would miss seeing them together. But do
Speaker 1: you want the dogs? Do you want to take the
Speaker 1: two dogs? I would love to take them. You feel them,
Speaker 1: and you know what you can say to him. I'm
Speaker 1: afraid that you do to them what you did to me, Ignora.
Speaker 1: I'm not leaving them with you. Ah yeah, oops, it
Speaker 1: ain't working. Say that it ain't working. And if you're
Speaker 1: telling me that you are cooking and cleaning and taking
Speaker 1: care of a man who would be violent enough not
Speaker 1: to speak to you, a man who doesn't know how
Speaker 1: to honor your love language, then you've already failed. So
Speaker 1: get over it, right, get over it. And I say
Speaker 1: it lightly, but I also take it to heart. I
Speaker 1: understand where you are. Your position is, I don't want
Speaker 1: to do what my parents did, so don't do what
Speaker 1: your parents did. Do something else, call it something else.
Speaker 1: They failed that marriage. You're standing up for yourself. You're right,
Speaker 1: You're right. I want to be helpful and supportive and
Speaker 1: give you another perspective. Absolutely, and you have done that
Speaker 1: for sure, because you're acting like you don't know this
Speaker 1: is over for whatever reason. And the sad thing for
Speaker 1: me is when we are good, we're good. That's like grits. Yeah,
Speaker 1: when they're hot and the butter melts come on, you
Speaker 1: know it. You can't eat that they crushed up in
Speaker 1: the pot and the bud is. It's like grits. When
Speaker 1: it's good, it's good. When it ain't, it ain't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm sick of trying to fix bad grit okay, because
Speaker 1: you know, if you add more water and start the storm,
Speaker 1: they're gonna get lumpy. It makes it worse. That's right.
Speaker 1: Take your dogs and get on about of there. If
Speaker 1: that's what you wanna do. Yeah, because what if? And
Speaker 1: here's the piece that we so often forget in relationships.
Speaker 1: Whatever you're feeling, he's feeling too. We think that we're
Speaker 1: in the relationship alone, that this is our experience. So
Speaker 1: you're saying it's one sided for you, he's probably saying
Speaker 1: it so one sided for him. He's not getting what
Speaker 1: he wants. You're saying, I'm not getting with what I
Speaker 1: want your partner feels it the same way. But perhaps
Speaker 1: he doesn't have the courage to leave. He may be
Speaker 1: afraid to leave because he don't know how to cook,
Speaker 1: and if you're gone, he's gonna have to cook for himself.
Speaker 1: We don't know why. But don't think for him, think
Speaker 1: for you. Yeah, stop saying you're scared. You're not scared.
Speaker 1: You're punk, But I punk some pumps and get on
Speaker 1: my body there. I don't want to be a punk anymore.
Speaker 1: Just I'm seeking happiness and I just want to be happy.
Speaker 1: I can't remember the last time that I've been explicitly happy.
Speaker 1: That's sad for me, and that's what I'm trying to
Speaker 1: get bad. I want to be happy with him. But
Speaker 1: if he can't do that, and like you said, it
Speaker 1: is violent enough to be able to be in the
Speaker 1: same residence with me and not speak to me, that's
Speaker 1: not where I can be happy. I would encourage you
Speaker 1: to do what is required. I mean, if you want
Speaker 1: to stay, Like I said, there are ways that you
Speaker 1: can push the envelope and force his hand. It's not
Speaker 1: good or bad, right or wrong? Is working and not working?
Speaker 1: Is this working for you? And if it's not. What
Speaker 1: do you plan to do about that? Yeah? So, if
Speaker 1: it's not working and you stay, no whining, no complaining,
Speaker 1: keep your mouth shut and suck it up. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: if it's not working and you choose to leave, create
Speaker 1: your exit strategy in your mind activated and get all
Speaker 1: your ducks in a row, your resources. Who's getting the house,
Speaker 1: who's getting the dog, who's getting the electric skillet? And
Speaker 1: then you know, get you some pumps, put them on
Speaker 1: the punk and get up out of there. Yeah, pumps
Speaker 1: and pen No, go with no pennies, Go with no
Speaker 1: pennies and be on the market for a random act
Speaker 1: of kindness. Okay, okay, I can do that. Yes, leave
Speaker 1: your marriage without your pennies. It's called leave your drawers behind.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Yes, does and remember my marriage
Speaker 1: didn't work. Oops, you'll get an endless supply do office
Speaker 1: and you will get a do over if you don't
Speaker 1: have no pen He's on. Tell me something you know
Speaker 1: now that you didn't know when you call? Just one
Speaker 1: good thing you know now that you didn't know when
Speaker 1: you call. Just because it doesn't work doesn't mean I'm
Speaker 1: a failure. It just didn't work, and I can't I
Speaker 1: can't compare what is going on with me currently to
Speaker 1: what happened with my parents in the past. We're not
Speaker 1: the same. It's not the same. Yeah, it's not the same.
Speaker 1: Good for you. Look at that. You didn't even have
Speaker 1: to call me. You could have did that by yourself.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. All right, baby, bye bye. I
Speaker 1: want to state this because both of my callers today
Speaker 1: took me to a place that I always want to
Speaker 1: be mindful of. It's that relationships are so important in
Speaker 1: our lives. They are so very important. Relationships are our salvation,
Speaker 1: if you will. Relationships are the place that we go
Speaker 1: to heal. So I never want to advocate the end
Speaker 1: of a relationship. However, I will always be a staunch, vigilant,
Speaker 1: ruthless advocate for your relationship with yourself because your relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself is the template from which you will build
Speaker 1: all relationships. So while it may sound like I'm saying leave, leave, leave,
Speaker 1: I'm really saying go, go, go, go deeper into your
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself. And if that means sometimes we have
Speaker 1: to walk away, well then I'm all for it. Thank
Speaker 1: you for joining us for another episode of the Our
Speaker 1: spot As see you real soon. And in the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.