1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: for sam in a soft place to fall for others. 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,240 Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 4 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,919 Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,320 Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a 6 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:28,280 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 7 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:41,919 Speaker 1: When you are in a relationship and you're acting like 8 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 1: you don't know what you do, know, that is going 9 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 1: to be a problem. When you know what you want 10 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,879 Speaker 1: to do, when you know what time it is, but 11 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: you want to sit around acting like there's something you 12 00:00:55,560 --> 00:01:00,160 Speaker 1: don't know, it is going to bite you. Yeah, up, 13 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: it's gonna bite you. And we do that because so 14 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: very often it's hard for us, particularly women, to say 15 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 1: I made a mistake. Well, I've got some good news 16 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 1: for you. Not only can you say it, but when 17 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 1: you say it, there is life on the other side. 18 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: Both of my callers today are going to show us 19 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,679 Speaker 1: just that that there's life on the other side of 20 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: acknowledging you made a mistake. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, 21 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 1: welcome to the arts, but thank you for calling in today. Now, 22 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 1: what is your relationship issue? Challenge dilemma that we can 23 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 1: chew on for a little while, Thank you, ma'am. Apparently 24 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: I'm struggling with lack of intimacy in my relationship. The 25 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 1: issue also is that you know, my husband and I, 26 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,160 Speaker 1: we we met in the military and the Air Force. 27 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,480 Speaker 1: Then we I think we've got married twenty seven it's 28 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,880 Speaker 1: almost going to be nine years. And the issue is 29 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 1: I I didn't know I had unresolved a d h D. 30 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,919 Speaker 1: And it was him who realized it because we had 31 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:16,480 Speaker 1: such a fault in our relationship because he wasn't able 32 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: to communicate with me that once he found out what 33 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,880 Speaker 1: I had, he thought I was like a disability, because 34 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:26,360 Speaker 1: you know, most of the time you'll say, well, you know, 35 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 1: it's like you have cancer, and I can't leave someone 36 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: with cancer. That's how he compares it. And so I 37 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 1: did the work, you know, I I watched your show 38 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: before I had money for therapy. I went to therapy 39 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:42,519 Speaker 1: that e M b R. I. I did everything that 40 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,520 Speaker 1: he told me that I needed to fix in order 41 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:49,679 Speaker 1: for him to feel vulnerable enough to open himself. He 42 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 1: wanted me to work on myself. And so last year 43 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,079 Speaker 1: was I pretty much told myself this isn't going anywhere, 44 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,760 Speaker 1: and we we looked at divorce and then I think 45 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 1: one he saw that I actually put in the effort 46 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 1: to make it happen. He he convinced me not to 47 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 1: do it and to continue working on our relationship. And 48 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 1: every time I bring it up, Peele tell me something 49 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 1: that isn't right with me the sentences. Until you resolve this, 50 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: I can't give you this, which is intimacy. You know. 51 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: He's not a hugger, he's not very touchy feely, but 52 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,720 Speaker 1: that is my love language, you know. And recently I said, Okay, 53 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 1: done the work. I'm here, I'm your partner. But what 54 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 1: is it now? And he said, well, you have to 55 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: be consistent. Consistency is not your thing. And once we 56 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: get there, then I can actually trust that I can 57 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 1: open myself up to And I feel almost as this 58 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: this is going in a circle and I'm not scared 59 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: to leave him. I'm just scared to miss out on 60 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 1: a great man. He's helped me, He's been there for me. 61 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 1: I've gotten to a point where I love myself so 62 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:06,040 Speaker 1: much that I don't respect myself with dealing with this, 63 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,240 Speaker 1: and I feel like I need help, maybe communicating to 64 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:14,960 Speaker 1: him this without making him feel defensive or redirecting me, 65 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:20,600 Speaker 1: if that makes sense. Mm hmm, thank you for sharing. Now, 66 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,040 Speaker 1: So I have a very pointed and specific question. I 67 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: heard you say there's a lack of intimacy in your relationship. 68 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:35,279 Speaker 1: What does that mean? Yes, ma'am, that means no touching, 69 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 1: no hugging, no not even holding hands when we watch 70 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,320 Speaker 1: TV together, we just sit in the couch. That's a 71 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,920 Speaker 1: big one. Is there sex? I would initiate it, but 72 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,800 Speaker 1: not out at ten times he would say no. So 73 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 1: when he introduces sex, I would welcome it because I've 74 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 1: I would almost be through where the young people say 75 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: thirsty for it, hung and it doesn't. I want to say, 76 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 1: three weeks now, I haven't even tried. I'm almost like 77 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,719 Speaker 1: shut down because I don't. I don't even want that, 78 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,320 Speaker 1: and he hasn't either. On its freak me. Both been 79 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,239 Speaker 1: pretty hands off, and I feel like we're going even 80 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: worse I don't know worse path Like when I would 81 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 1: ask him, why don't you leave me? Why don't you 82 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: find someone who's consistent or you know, no mental health issues, 83 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 1: He's like, well, because you have a disability. The only 84 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,320 Speaker 1: reason why, he says, he's with me is because I 85 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: constantly work every day to become a better person. Okay, 86 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,479 Speaker 1: so what degree does he have that gets him to 87 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 1: determine that you're disabled? He has a psychology degree. Oh yeah, 88 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:50,359 Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah. Okay, I want to bring back to 89 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 1: your awareness something that you said and let us chew 90 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 1: on it for just a little bit. Okay. He wanted 91 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:05,480 Speaker 1: me to work on myself so he would feel vulnerable. 92 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,920 Speaker 1: Did I hear you say that? Yes, So he wanted 93 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: me to focus on, you know, my office of trauma, 94 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,160 Speaker 1: which I did. I'm there, become more aware, and then 95 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,920 Speaker 1: focus on being consistent in order for him to feel comfortable, 96 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 1: I guess, to trust me and to feel vulnerable too, 97 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:30,919 Speaker 1: like a hair down. Mhm. Now, you may have trauma 98 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,800 Speaker 1: and a d h D, but you did serve in 99 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:36,960 Speaker 1: the military, so I'm willing to be wrong. But there 100 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 1: is a part of me that senses, you know, that 101 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: is absolutely crazy that you gonna work on yourself so 102 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: he can have an experience within himself. Is that what 103 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,200 Speaker 1: you're saying to me? That's what I'm hearing from you. 104 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:59,120 Speaker 1: But I think I've convinced myself. I've convinced myself that 105 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:02,480 Speaker 1: it made sense because I did have a lot of 106 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: those issues. You know, I don't care if you had 107 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: green bookers hanging out your nose. Blowing your nose was 108 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,520 Speaker 1: not gonna make him feel no different. So let me 109 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 1: ask you this, my beloved, what are you acting like 110 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 1: you don't know? Start here? I'm acting like I don't 111 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: know that things are not going to change, okay, and 112 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 1: that makes me feel That makes me feel sad. Yeah? 113 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: What else? What else are you acting like you don't know? 114 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: I'm acting like I don't know. It was never about me. Yeah, 115 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: take ober, and that makes me feel one. Okay, thank 116 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: you for telling the truth, because the truth will set 117 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:08,840 Speaker 1: you free. Mm hmm? What else are you acting like 118 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: you don't know? I don't need him. You may want him, 119 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 1: but you don't need him, right. Yeah? You know? I 120 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: want chocolate covered almonds all the time. I love chocolate 121 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:28,680 Speaker 1: covered milk chocolate. I don't like DC chocolate. But I 122 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 1: know if I continue to buy that big old jar 123 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: that they sell in the home goods that you can 124 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,680 Speaker 1: get for five nine it's got about a thousand chocolate 125 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: almonds in there, that me and my butt are not 126 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: gonna be good friends. I have to work with myself 127 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:50,319 Speaker 1: because I want them, but I know I don't need them. 128 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,440 Speaker 1: What else are you're acting like you don't know my love? 129 00:08:54,120 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 1: I know I can leave. My actions have been. I 130 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: go in the room knowing I want to fire him, 131 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,680 Speaker 1: and then in some kind of way I leave, like 132 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:13,680 Speaker 1: renewing his contract. That's a good analogy, and that's because 133 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: you're looking at what he brings to you and not 134 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 1: what you bring to him. Clearly, you bring faith and trust. 135 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 1: Clearly you bring courage to the table, and what he 136 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,600 Speaker 1: brings to the table is what's wrong with you. He 137 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:39,319 Speaker 1: has as money problems as you do. Would that be accurate? Yes, Noah, 138 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 1: Otherwise you wouldn't have attracted each other. Right. The woman 139 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 1: who he married is not who you are today, and 140 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,280 Speaker 1: he's not honoring who you are today. I think that's 141 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 1: why I feel I think sometimes when I know I'm 142 00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:03,280 Speaker 1: living the day to day that I don't feel good about. Yeah, 143 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: but I must confess I almost hate myself for feeling 144 00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 1: weak when he speaks almost as what he says is gold. 145 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,960 Speaker 1: That makes sense. Yeah, Oh wait a minute, I've been there. 146 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: I've been on that step. Yeah, I had a little 147 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 1: condo on the step of his opinion is more important 148 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 1: than mine. I've been on that step. Yeah, And what 149 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:33,640 Speaker 1: I'm hearing in your sharing is that you are focusing 150 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 1: on leaving him rather than standing up for you. So, 151 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 1: as opposed to how can I leave him? I would 152 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,679 Speaker 1: offer you to consider how can I stand up? But 153 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,960 Speaker 1: all this work I've done and who I am now? Yeah, 154 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: I agree. I hear it in my chest because I 155 00:10:54,679 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: worked so hard to stand up to family members other 156 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 1: people who have made me feel inferior, and it seems 157 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,679 Speaker 1: like I can't do that with him, almost as if 158 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 1: I feel owed to him, you know, because you're looking 159 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 1: at what he has brought to the table rather than 160 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,360 Speaker 1: the fact that your life is your table and only 161 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: you get to say who sits there. Mm hmm. I 162 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,320 Speaker 1: want to challenge you a bit on something I just heard. 163 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: You say that you've done the work to stand up 164 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:35,199 Speaker 1: to family members who've done things to you. Is that right? Yes? 165 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 1: So I always have this little piece of paper that 166 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 1: I scribble on when people are talking. Would I be 167 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 1: accurate if I were to say that somewhere in there 168 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: you have a damaged goods story that you're damaged goods? Yes, ma'am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 169 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,680 Speaker 1: And so this guy continues to point out the ways 170 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,199 Speaker 1: in which you're damaged, how your damage and how your 171 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:08,559 Speaker 1: damage is impacting him. And because you believe that story. 172 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,800 Speaker 1: How old is that story? Is she five? Is she seven? 173 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: And she twelve? How old is the damage? Good girl? Oh? 174 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 1: As long as I'm married, before the marriage through the family, 175 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 1: how old is she? Somewhere around seven? Nine? Oh? Yeah? Nine? Yeah? 176 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: A parent? The parent? Okay, see, so I'm I'm I'm 177 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:34,440 Speaker 1: onto something here. So what do we do now? We'll 178 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 1: talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to 179 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,959 Speaker 1: the artspan. Let's get back to the conversation. I want 180 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:55,560 Speaker 1: to talk to the little girl who thinks she's damaged. Good. Okay, Hi, sweetie, 181 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: aren't you precious? I know nobody has probably told you 182 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:05,040 Speaker 1: that for but you are precious. And not only are 183 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: you precious, you are strong and you are brave and 184 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:16,360 Speaker 1: I have to say, quite beautiful. And I know things 185 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 1: have been rough for you and hard for you, but 186 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,440 Speaker 1: I want you to know that I know who you're 187 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 1: gonna be, and you're gonna do a lot of work 188 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: for yourself and on yourself to heal up all of 189 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 1: this stuff. So I want to give you permission to 190 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: be powerful and strong. Sure, you've had some damaging things 191 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 1: happened to you, and it's not your fault, but it's 192 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 1: your responsibility to step into your power and your strength 193 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:56,640 Speaker 1: and your courage. I know a lady who's gonna help 194 00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:00,520 Speaker 1: you do it, So you just rest a while and 195 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 1: let her take over, because she's got some things that 196 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,920 Speaker 1: she has to do right now to keep you all safe. 197 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,400 Speaker 1: And one of those things may be moving or changing 198 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,720 Speaker 1: where you live and who you live with. But don't worry. 199 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,920 Speaker 1: You're all going to be able to do this together. 200 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 1: But you gotta let her leave. Pick a breath with me. 201 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: I want that nine year old to let you leave 202 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,560 Speaker 1: because when he starts telling you how damaged you are 203 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:39,280 Speaker 1: and what else you need to work on, she takes dominion. 204 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you, Yes, you know what 205 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:49,120 Speaker 1: to do. I'm never gonna advocate to somebody you've got 206 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: to leave your marriage. I will always advocate specifically to 207 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,680 Speaker 1: women that you have to stand for yourself and you 208 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: have to honor yourself if you expect anybody else to 209 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:06,360 Speaker 1: do it. Okay, now, wouldn't you like to one day 210 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 1: just go to victorious Secret and buy you a hot 211 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:17,720 Speaker 1: little red nighty and some little red furry pumps and 212 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: come home and have somebody rock your world. Wouldn't you 213 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 1: like that very much? Ma'am ya, don't deny yourself the 214 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:35,600 Speaker 1: privilege you deserve it. What if universe of life and 215 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 1: all of its wisdom brought you this man as your 216 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 1: teacher to help you see and recognize and understand the 217 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 1: things you needed to work on. What if that was 218 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:51,280 Speaker 1: his only purpose? You're gonna stay in this class forever. 219 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 1: I think I wanted to, right crazy, No, you didn't know. 220 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:02,280 Speaker 1: Now you have new information. You have information that this 221 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:06,080 Speaker 1: was never about you. You have the information that he's 222 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 1: trying to make you responsible for his internal turmoil. And 223 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:15,920 Speaker 1: because he has a psychology degree, so what Yeah, But 224 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: I want to say this to you also because I 225 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 1: hear the hesitancy and questioning. Create your exit strategy. You 226 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:29,400 Speaker 1: were in the military, and if you were going into 227 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: battle or you were going into an unfriendly territory, you 228 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 1: had to have a strategy. So create your exit strategy 229 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,480 Speaker 1: in your mind and work with it, and work with it, 230 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: and work with it until you're ready to execute that 231 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:52,040 Speaker 1: strategy and extract yourself from the enemy territory, and the 232 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 1: enemy territory is not him. The enemy territory is any 233 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 1: place that doesn't honor your power, your strength, your courage, 234 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 1: your faith and trust that you put in yourself. Create 235 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:12,680 Speaker 1: an next strategy and create the vision to have somebody 236 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: who would appreciate your red hot titty from Victoria's secret 237 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 1: in your furry red pulps. That's gonna be your next 238 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:31,919 Speaker 1: duty assignment to find that person. Yeah, be gentle, be easy, 239 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:35,040 Speaker 1: take your time. You're not rushing, you're not running. You 240 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,840 Speaker 1: ain't had no nookie in three weeks. You can go 241 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: another three or four or six or nine or whatever 242 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,159 Speaker 1: it takes. Makes sense, right, Yeah, because I think in 243 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,639 Speaker 1: the past I would have just gone to him, like 244 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,879 Speaker 1: after a therapy session, I'd go to him. I'm like, 245 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: why don't you do this? Why don't you do this? 246 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 1: And I think it would end up in that cycle. 247 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:59,360 Speaker 1: If you're saying, come to him when I'm ready, Yeah, 248 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,119 Speaker 1: you gotta be ready. So let me give you a 249 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 1: battle cry. Here it is. I'm done. I'm done. God, 250 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:14,520 Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done. No explanation, no story, that's it. 251 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,639 Speaker 1: I'm done. This is what I'm doing. I don't know 252 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 1: what you're doing. Give me one good. I'm done, I'm done. 253 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:27,439 Speaker 1: Oh hey, that's what I'm talking about. I want you 254 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,199 Speaker 1: to put that on and wear it until it fits 255 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:34,479 Speaker 1: like a glove. Okay, yes, man, alright, for love it, 256 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: let me hear from you. Okay, well, okay, fine, hear 257 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:50,120 Speaker 1: me loud and clear. There is never anything you can 258 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:55,320 Speaker 1: do to make someone else feel better about themselves. Let 259 00:18:55,320 --> 00:19:01,480 Speaker 1: me say that again. There is never anything you can 260 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:07,160 Speaker 1: do to make anyone feel better about themselves. And if 261 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:12,520 Speaker 1: they are requesting, requiring, demanding that you change so they 262 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 1: can feel better, baby, they are playing you just like 263 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 1: a fiddle. Note to file. Okay, there is never anything 264 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:26,480 Speaker 1: you can do to make anyone else feel better about themselves. 265 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:32,000 Speaker 1: I've got another caller, same problem, different angle. Somebody here 266 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,159 Speaker 1: is acting like they don't know what they do know. 267 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:41,960 Speaker 1: Take a listen, Hi, gayl, Welcome to the our spot 268 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:46,120 Speaker 1: And what is the challenge issue dilemma that you are 269 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,919 Speaker 1: facing today that we can nibble on together. First, I 270 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,399 Speaker 1: want to say thank you so much for taking my call. 271 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:56,920 Speaker 1: My dilemma is that I've been in a relationship with 272 00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:01,679 Speaker 1: my husband for eleven years. We've been married for four years, 273 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,400 Speaker 1: and we essentially grew up together. We met in our 274 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:11,400 Speaker 1: twenties and here we are eleven years later, and I 275 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:16,320 Speaker 1: feel like I'm growing, I'm continuing to grow, and he's 276 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:21,720 Speaker 1: still stagnant and hasn't improved his his ability to be 277 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:26,040 Speaker 1: more emotionally intelligent and be present with me and the 278 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:29,920 Speaker 1: relationship so that we can grow together. And it's been 279 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,800 Speaker 1: one sided for so long. I'm at a place now 280 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 1: where I feel like it's probably time for me to 281 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:40,879 Speaker 1: file for divorce. I'm scared to do that. I'm terrified 282 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 1: to do that, but I feel like in order for 283 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: me to be happy and for me to continue to grow, 284 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 1: this may be something that I have to do. M hmm. Okay, 285 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,560 Speaker 1: do you have children? Do you all have children together? 286 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 1: We don't have any children. We have two dogs who 287 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:02,960 Speaker 1: I prefer to all my children. But no, no, no 288 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:07,479 Speaker 1: children at all. Okay, it is one sided. Tell me 289 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,639 Speaker 1: more about that. What does that mean? I heard you 290 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: say he hasn't improved and it's been one sided. So 291 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,719 Speaker 1: let's deal with the one sided first. Okay. When I 292 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:23,920 Speaker 1: say one sided, whenever we have a disagreement, he will 293 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,440 Speaker 1: completely shut down. He won't talk to me. If I 294 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,720 Speaker 1: try to talk to him, he'll give me the silent treatment. 295 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,160 Speaker 1: And I'm the one that has to reach out to him. 296 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: In order for us to get any resolves. It has 297 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:42,600 Speaker 1: to be me that initiates the conversation or initiates the 298 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 1: apology that I don't necessarily think I have to give. 299 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,080 Speaker 1: But it's always me that has to be the one 300 00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:51,800 Speaker 1: to initiate that in order for us to at least 301 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:56,000 Speaker 1: attempt to get back to good terms. And it's been 302 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,840 Speaker 1: like that for so long that I I'm sick of 303 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,159 Speaker 1: knowing it. I don't want to take accountability for my 304 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:10,000 Speaker 1: wrongdoing if he's not going to do the same. Okay, 305 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,720 Speaker 1: let me ask you a question. Do you know his 306 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:19,560 Speaker 1: love language? He is a physical touch. That's his love language, okay, 307 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:26,400 Speaker 1: And what is yours? My love language is acts of kindness? Okay? 308 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 1: And do you get that from him? No? For so 309 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 1: many years, I've been the one that's been pouring into 310 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:40,879 Speaker 1: him and supporting him. Even in the household. I'm the 311 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,840 Speaker 1: one that does the cooking, the cleaning, I take care 312 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 1: of our dogs, I take care of the household in general, 313 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,640 Speaker 1: and he just sits back and allows me to do that. 314 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:56,720 Speaker 1: But because my love language is different from his. He 315 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 1: doesn't feel like I give him what he needs when 316 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,000 Speaker 1: it comes to physical touch. But because I work all 317 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,440 Speaker 1: day and come home and have to clock in and 318 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,760 Speaker 1: do another shift. By doing a lot of things around 319 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,760 Speaker 1: the house, I'm tired. We don't even have any kids, 320 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,760 Speaker 1: and I'm exhausted by the end of the day. So 321 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 1: physical touch is a lasting on my mind. Mm hmmm. 322 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:24,720 Speaker 1: Can I ask you a question? Mhm, have you made 323 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: room for him to step up? To be honest, I 324 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: don't know if I know how to give him the 325 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:39,159 Speaker 1: room to step up because he's failed me so many times. 326 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,639 Speaker 1: What does that mean? He failed me so many times? 327 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 1: What does that mean he's let me down? Like if 328 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,120 Speaker 1: he tells me he's going to do something and doesn't 329 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: do it, I feel like that's a let down for me. 330 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: And because he does that often, I haven't felt comfortable 331 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:01,239 Speaker 1: or even if I know how to allow him the 332 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:07,160 Speaker 1: space to step up? Can I offer some suggestions? Eat out, 333 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:14,439 Speaker 1: don't cook, that's a real simple one. Bring your dinner 334 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,560 Speaker 1: home in the bag, come home, feed the dogs, walk 335 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:21,200 Speaker 1: the dogs, whatever, that's it. Wash your clothes, don't wash 336 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:25,159 Speaker 1: his make up, your side of the bed, don't make 337 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,639 Speaker 1: up his leave the dust bunnies till they just have 338 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:35,960 Speaker 1: children and they're hopping all over the house. Oh my goodness, 339 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,160 Speaker 1: that's gonna be so hard for me because I hate Well, 340 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:43,360 Speaker 1: that's okay, that's okay. You're either gonna leave this marriage 341 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:49,959 Speaker 1: or you're gonna make it liberal. Yeah, stop cooking, stop shopping, 342 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: stop doing laundry, stop it. Give him the space to 343 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,840 Speaker 1: step up. And if he asks you all you cooking said, 344 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:02,640 Speaker 1: oh no, you're not a I've been doing it all 345 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,320 Speaker 1: these years. It's time for you to do it. Tell 346 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:09,360 Speaker 1: him to watch beat Bobby Flay. You'll learn some tricks. 347 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,920 Speaker 1: Make the room for him to step up. You're complaining 348 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 1: that he hasn't stepped up, but you're also complaining that 349 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,520 Speaker 1: you're doing everything. Where is he supposed to get in? Yeah, 350 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,920 Speaker 1: he don't want to talk to you. Don't talk to him. 351 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,960 Speaker 1: Don't talk to him. I have done that. I've made 352 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: the decision to stop talking. And the thing is he 353 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:38,480 Speaker 1: can go days, weeks, maybe even a month without addressing 354 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:42,880 Speaker 1: the issue, without speaking to me. And it's like, if 355 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,280 Speaker 1: you can do that to your wife, I don't know 356 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,679 Speaker 1: what to expect from you. In the future. If you 357 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:54,959 Speaker 1: can do that to me now after nothing, don't expect anything. 358 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 1: He don't want to talk to you. Three days in, 359 00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: pack your bags and go to the hotel. Yeah, I 360 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,520 Speaker 1: mean really, I want you to be careful about the 361 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:10,679 Speaker 1: spiritual arrogance of I've grown and he hasn't. Well, he 362 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,359 Speaker 1: didn't sign up to grow. That ain't what he signed 363 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 1: up for. Yeah, you decided to grow, and your paths 364 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,840 Speaker 1: may be different. So don't be arrogant enough to think 365 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:23,920 Speaker 1: that because you've done it, he needs to do it. 366 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,800 Speaker 1: You can still love him and have a great relationship 367 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 1: with him. And if he's barely lit and dimly glowing, 368 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do, But don't measure 369 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:37,560 Speaker 1: his progress based on your progress, because that's not what's 370 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,200 Speaker 1: going to make the marriage. You've been together eleven years, 371 00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 1: so you were seven years in when you said I 372 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,000 Speaker 1: do So either you saw things and you thought you 373 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,879 Speaker 1: could change them, or you didn't see these things, and 374 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,640 Speaker 1: now they've come to your awareness and you get to choose. 375 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,400 Speaker 1: So what are you choosing? Are you choosing to just 376 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,480 Speaker 1: go or are you choosing to make the marriage work. 377 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 1: I have a solution for you, and you are probably 378 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:08,040 Speaker 1: not going to like it. Are you ready? Okay, we'll 379 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:19,200 Speaker 1: do it right after this break. Welcome back. I am 380 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,720 Speaker 1: y'm lt. This is the our spot. You may be 381 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:27,119 Speaker 1: able to inspire him a couple of hungry days. Oh 382 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,240 Speaker 1: you want me to cook? I don't cook for people 383 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:34,640 Speaker 1: that don't speak to me. Sorry, you wash your own clothes. 384 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,240 Speaker 1: I can't wash clothes with somebody that would be violent 385 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 1: enough to walk around in my house and don't speak 386 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:45,040 Speaker 1: to me. I can't wash your clothes. Yeah, I feed 387 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: the dogs. Yeah? May I ask a question? Sure? Absolutely? 388 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:59,000 Speaker 1: How do I find the courage two leave? If I'm 389 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:04,160 Speaker 1: not wanting to make the marriage work, if I've met 390 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:08,280 Speaker 1: my endpoint and I'm at wits end coming from a 391 00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:11,920 Speaker 1: family that was broken and my parents split up, and 392 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:16,840 Speaker 1: the fear of repeating that past. But you've it's broken, 393 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 1: it's broken. What are you afraid of? You sitting in it? 394 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:26,720 Speaker 1: It's broken, It's already broken. It is. But I'm I'm 395 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:30,879 Speaker 1: afraid of failing. I'm afraid of admitting, admitting to myself 396 00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:34,640 Speaker 1: that it didn't work. Stop right there, it didn't work, 397 00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:38,160 Speaker 1: Say that it didn't work. It didn't work. My marriage 398 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 1: didn't work. My marriage didn't work, Okay, trying this one. 399 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: Oh damn, my marriage did not work. Say that one. 400 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:53,600 Speaker 1: Oh damn, my marriage did not work. Okay. What did 401 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,640 Speaker 1: your parents have to do with this? That don't have 402 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:59,040 Speaker 1: nothing to do with this? Stop that. Springing to the 403 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,880 Speaker 1: present moment, and what's in the present moment, beloved, what's 404 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,200 Speaker 1: right here in your face, in the present moment with 405 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,120 Speaker 1: you and the two dogs. You're gonna split the dogs up. 406 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:09,680 Speaker 1: You take when you take the other, and you're gonna 407 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:13,400 Speaker 1: do that. I have already come to the conclusion that 408 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 1: I may not be able to take my dogs with me. 409 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:20,000 Speaker 1: I don't want them to be separated, because I don't 410 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,800 Speaker 1: want them to be sad, but I want happiness for myself. 411 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 1: But let me just say this, because I've studied this. 412 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,520 Speaker 1: I've got two Pomeranians, peace and Freedom, and they love 413 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,520 Speaker 1: each other. They jump with their two girls, and they 414 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:34,480 Speaker 1: hump on each other. I don't know what they're doing. 415 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 1: I don't know if they're having such sexual identity crisis. 416 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:40,720 Speaker 1: I don't know what the problem is. But one of 417 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,280 Speaker 1: the things that my vet told me is dogs don't 418 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 1: feel emotion. You can beat a dog like people who 419 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 1: abuse their dogs. And stuff like that. But if that 420 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,800 Speaker 1: owner showed up today with some food or treat, the 421 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,160 Speaker 1: dog will go right back to the same person. Dogs 422 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: don't have emotions, so stop it with I don't want 423 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:01,280 Speaker 1: them to miss each other. They don't ain't gonna miss 424 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,320 Speaker 1: each other. You would miss seeing them together. But do 425 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: you want the dogs? Do you want to take the 426 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:13,920 Speaker 1: two dogs? I would love to take them. You feel them, 427 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:15,400 Speaker 1: and you know what you can say to him. I'm 428 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 1: afraid that you do to them what you did to me, Ignora. 429 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 1: I'm not leaving them with you. Ah yeah, oops, it 430 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 1: ain't working. Say that it ain't working. And if you're 431 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 1: telling me that you are cooking and cleaning and taking 432 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:38,120 Speaker 1: care of a man who would be violent enough not 433 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:40,880 Speaker 1: to speak to you, a man who doesn't know how 434 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:45,000 Speaker 1: to honor your love language, then you've already failed. So 435 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:49,320 Speaker 1: get over it, right, get over it. And I say 436 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,960 Speaker 1: it lightly, but I also take it to heart. I 437 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:55,200 Speaker 1: understand where you are. Your position is, I don't want 438 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,400 Speaker 1: to do what my parents did, so don't do what 439 00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 1: your parents did. Do something else, call it something else. 440 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 1: They failed that marriage. You're standing up for yourself. You're right, 441 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,520 Speaker 1: You're right. I want to be helpful and supportive and 442 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:14,240 Speaker 1: give you another perspective. Absolutely, and you have done that 443 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 1: for sure, because you're acting like you don't know this 444 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:22,640 Speaker 1: is over for whatever reason. And the sad thing for 445 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 1: me is when we are good, we're good. That's like grits. Yeah, 446 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:33,040 Speaker 1: when they're hot and the butter melts come on, you 447 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,520 Speaker 1: know it. You can't eat that they crushed up in 448 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:40,960 Speaker 1: the pot and the bud is. It's like grits. When 449 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 1: it's good, it's good. When it ain't, it ain't. Yeah, 450 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:49,160 Speaker 1: I'm sick of trying to fix bad grit okay, because 451 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,200 Speaker 1: you know, if you add more water and start the storm, 452 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:56,000 Speaker 1: they're gonna get lumpy. It makes it worse. That's right. 453 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,120 Speaker 1: Take your dogs and get on about of there. If 454 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:06,440 Speaker 1: that's what you wanna do. Yeah, because what if? And 455 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,720 Speaker 1: here's the piece that we so often forget in relationships. 456 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,960 Speaker 1: Whatever you're feeling, he's feeling too. We think that we're 457 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:19,560 Speaker 1: in the relationship alone, that this is our experience. So 458 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,320 Speaker 1: you're saying it's one sided for you, he's probably saying 459 00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: it so one sided for him. He's not getting what 460 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 1: he wants. You're saying, I'm not getting with what I 461 00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:30,200 Speaker 1: want your partner feels it the same way. But perhaps 462 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:34,760 Speaker 1: he doesn't have the courage to leave. He may be 463 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:36,920 Speaker 1: afraid to leave because he don't know how to cook, 464 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:39,160 Speaker 1: and if you're gone, he's gonna have to cook for himself. 465 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,920 Speaker 1: We don't know why. But don't think for him, think 466 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:46,400 Speaker 1: for you. Yeah, stop saying you're scared. You're not scared. 467 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:54,800 Speaker 1: You're punk, But I punk some pumps and get on 468 00:32:54,800 --> 00:33:00,000 Speaker 1: my body there. I don't want to be a punk anymore. 469 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,920 Speaker 1: Just I'm seeking happiness and I just want to be happy. 470 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:08,520 Speaker 1: I can't remember the last time that I've been explicitly happy. 471 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,200 Speaker 1: That's sad for me, and that's what I'm trying to 472 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: get bad. I want to be happy with him. But 473 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 1: if he can't do that, and like you said, it 474 00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:23,600 Speaker 1: is violent enough to be able to be in the 475 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:27,240 Speaker 1: same residence with me and not speak to me, that's 476 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 1: not where I can be happy. I would encourage you 477 00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:34,440 Speaker 1: to do what is required. I mean, if you want 478 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,960 Speaker 1: to stay, Like I said, there are ways that you 479 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:40,920 Speaker 1: can push the envelope and force his hand. It's not 480 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,320 Speaker 1: good or bad, right or wrong? Is working and not working? 481 00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:49,000 Speaker 1: Is this working for you? And if it's not. What 482 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,800 Speaker 1: do you plan to do about that? Yeah? So, if 483 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:56,320 Speaker 1: it's not working and you stay, no whining, no complaining, 484 00:33:56,400 --> 00:34:00,720 Speaker 1: keep your mouth shut and suck it up. Yeah. And 485 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,560 Speaker 1: if it's not working and you choose to leave, create 486 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 1: your exit strategy in your mind activated and get all 487 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,680 Speaker 1: your ducks in a row, your resources. Who's getting the house, 488 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,360 Speaker 1: who's getting the dog, who's getting the electric skillet? And 489 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,759 Speaker 1: then you know, get you some pumps, put them on 490 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:17,360 Speaker 1: the punk and get up out of there. Yeah, pumps 491 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:26,080 Speaker 1: and pen No, go with no pennies, Go with no 492 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,959 Speaker 1: pennies and be on the market for a random act 493 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:36,040 Speaker 1: of kindness. Okay, okay, I can do that. Yes, leave 494 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:42,200 Speaker 1: your marriage without your pennies. It's called leave your drawers behind. 495 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:52,560 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Yes, does and remember my marriage 496 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:57,440 Speaker 1: didn't work. Oops, you'll get an endless supply do office 497 00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,480 Speaker 1: and you will get a do over if you don't 498 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:07,279 Speaker 1: have no pen He's on. Tell me something you know 499 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:10,000 Speaker 1: now that you didn't know when you call? Just one 500 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:12,160 Speaker 1: good thing you know now that you didn't know when 501 00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:15,680 Speaker 1: you call. Just because it doesn't work doesn't mean I'm 502 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:20,520 Speaker 1: a failure. It just didn't work, and I can't I 503 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:23,440 Speaker 1: can't compare what is going on with me currently to 504 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:26,200 Speaker 1: what happened with my parents in the past. We're not 505 00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:30,440 Speaker 1: the same. It's not the same. Yeah, it's not the same. 506 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,200 Speaker 1: Good for you. Look at that. You didn't even have 507 00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:35,040 Speaker 1: to call me. You could have did that by yourself. 508 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:45,840 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. All right, baby, bye bye. I 509 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:49,640 Speaker 1: want to state this because both of my callers today 510 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,000 Speaker 1: took me to a place that I always want to 511 00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:59,440 Speaker 1: be mindful of. It's that relationships are so important in 512 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:07,239 Speaker 1: our lives. They are so very important. Relationships are our salvation, 513 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:11,600 Speaker 1: if you will. Relationships are the place that we go 514 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:16,879 Speaker 1: to heal. So I never want to advocate the end 515 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:24,239 Speaker 1: of a relationship. However, I will always be a staunch, vigilant, 516 00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:30,640 Speaker 1: ruthless advocate for your relationship with yourself because your relationship 517 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:35,320 Speaker 1: with yourself is the template from which you will build 518 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:40,799 Speaker 1: all relationships. So while it may sound like I'm saying leave, leave, leave, 519 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:46,479 Speaker 1: I'm really saying go, go, go, go deeper into your 520 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:51,799 Speaker 1: relationship with yourself. And if that means sometimes we have 521 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:55,239 Speaker 1: to walk away, well then I'm all for it. Thank 522 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:58,600 Speaker 1: you for joining us for another episode of the Our 523 00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,880 Speaker 1: spot As see you real soon. And in the meantime, 524 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:12,440 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is 525 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:17,000 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 526 00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:21,600 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart 527 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,719 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 528 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:26,560 Speaker 1: favorite shows.