WEBVTT - Unconditional Love and Second Chances 0:00:04.813 --> 0:00:14.973 Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio. 0:00:15.653 --> 0:00:18.533 All Right, welcome back, everybody. We are here for another 0:00:18.573 --> 0:00:22.613 episode of Comeback Stories. I am always here with my 0:00:22.733 --> 0:00:25.733 guy for life, Darren Waller. How you doing, my man. 0:00:27.293 --> 0:00:29.373 I'm blessed, bro. I'm excited for this episode. 0:00:29.413 --> 0:00:32.693 Man, I'm so excited for this episode. So today's guest. 0:00:33.213 --> 0:00:36.733 He's the co founder of Marley's Mutt's Dog Rescue and 0:00:36.933 --> 0:00:41.093 Positive Change program. This dude has a story that I 0:00:41.133 --> 0:00:44.093 absolutely love and I can relate to so much. And 0:00:44.133 --> 0:00:46.333 when I think about the service work that he's doing, 0:00:46.373 --> 0:00:49.893 it really makes me realize that I need to step 0:00:49.973 --> 0:00:53.213 up my game. The work he's doing is incredible. So 0:00:54.053 --> 0:00:57.733 we're here with Zach scou Zach has a story where 0:00:57.773 --> 0:01:01.053 dogs actually rescued Zach from addiction. Then he took that 0:01:01.173 --> 0:01:05.813 experience to start Marlee's Mutts, taking rescued dogs to help 0:01:05.853 --> 0:01:09.453 rescue people, and from there he started Positive Change program, 0:01:09.533 --> 0:01:14.933 pairing death row dogs with incarcerated people. So, Zach, welcome 0:01:14.933 --> 0:01:15.613 to the show. 0:01:15.373 --> 0:01:20.133 My man. Mo Man, it is great to see my brother, 0:01:20.453 --> 0:01:22.173 you too, Darren, Thanks for having me on. 0:01:22.293 --> 0:01:27.093 Hey, We're always getting right into it here on the show. 0:01:27.133 --> 0:01:28.693 And we want to know for you. Tell us a 0:01:28.733 --> 0:01:30.053 little bit what it was like. 0:01:30.493 --> 0:01:37.293 Growing up for you. Let's get vulnerable towny life. Growing 0:01:37.373 --> 0:01:40.853 up for me was was kind of quintessential when I 0:01:40.893 --> 0:01:42.973 think about it, I grew up. I'm actually down here 0:01:42.973 --> 0:01:45.573 in Manhattan Beach right now. I grew up in Hermosa Beach, 0:01:45.653 --> 0:01:50.053 California and what's called the South Bay, Redondo, Manhattan, Hermosa Torrents. 0:01:50.653 --> 0:01:53.613 And it was an incredible place to grow up, you know, 0:01:53.653 --> 0:01:55.933 an absolutely incredible place to grow up. We were baby 0:01:55.973 --> 0:01:57.813 sat by the beach, you know, we were all latch 0:01:57.853 --> 0:02:01.813 key kids. We have this little incubated bubble that is 0:02:01.893 --> 0:02:06.093 the South Bay where pH and the refinery to the 0:02:06.173 --> 0:02:10.613 north and other kind of barricades created this this really 0:02:10.613 --> 0:02:12.813 incredible place to grow up. Just a very unique place 0:02:12.853 --> 0:02:15.493 where we surfed and we skated and we got into trouble. 0:02:15.533 --> 0:02:20.333 It had a very drinking, heavy, drug heavy culture, that's 0:02:20.333 --> 0:02:22.813 to be certain. I grew up in a broken home. 0:02:22.853 --> 0:02:25.133 You know. My parents separated when my twin brother and 0:02:25.133 --> 0:02:27.653 I were very young. They got divorced right when we 0:02:27.693 --> 0:02:29.613 got out of the hospital. Both my brother and I 0:02:29.653 --> 0:02:32.933 were very ill when we were born. So yeah, life 0:02:32.933 --> 0:02:36.613 started out that way in a broken home with a 0:02:36.613 --> 0:02:38.813 lot of different you know, advantages to that as well. 0:02:38.853 --> 0:02:40.733 I don't want to just say there were disadvantages. I 0:02:40.733 --> 0:02:43.093 got to grow up in two beautiful homes. My mom 0:02:43.213 --> 0:02:44.973 was my primary, and we grew up in a house 0:02:45.013 --> 0:02:50.253 with another single family, another female lead family, And that 0:02:50.413 --> 0:02:54.413 was how I kind of eased into two adulthood, which 0:02:54.573 --> 0:02:57.813 was that beach culture. I was inundated with beach culture 0:02:57.813 --> 0:02:58.853 and all that that implies. 0:02:59.213 --> 0:03:01.933 When you look back on your childhood, is there an 0:03:02.133 --> 0:03:05.133 early memory of pain that really stands out to you? 0:03:08.613 --> 0:03:14.373 Yeah? There are. There are some some definite painful moments 0:03:14.373 --> 0:03:17.893 that stand out from my childhood. Some of those would 0:03:17.933 --> 0:03:20.453 manifest and become real issues as I got older. Some 0:03:20.493 --> 0:03:23.373 of us had to do with you know, inappropriate contact, 0:03:22.773 --> 0:03:26.693 that contact and conduct as a child, things that I 0:03:27.053 --> 0:03:28.813 that I received and went through as a kid in 0:03:28.933 --> 0:03:32.773 terms of you know, inappropriate sexual contact and things that 0:03:32.813 --> 0:03:34.573 I didn't know at the time would affect me like 0:03:34.613 --> 0:03:37.733 they would in adulthood. I think I was a lot 0:03:37.773 --> 0:03:40.013 like everybody else man. I really wanted to to fit in, 0:03:40.213 --> 0:03:42.293 I really wanted to be a part of and I 0:03:42.293 --> 0:03:44.693 think some of my earliest memories of in terms of 0:03:44.733 --> 0:03:47.413 painful memories, were not feeling a part of and certainly 0:03:47.453 --> 0:03:49.533 not feeling as connecting to my parents as I wanted to. 0:03:49.653 --> 0:03:52.453 My parents were both working professionals, so they were gone 0:03:52.533 --> 0:03:55.493 all the time, you know, and much of my childhood 0:03:55.533 --> 0:03:59.653 was spent with you know, with sitters and with caretakers, 0:03:59.893 --> 0:04:01.453 So I didn't get to spend much time with my mom, 0:04:01.693 --> 0:04:03.213 didn't get to send as much time with my dad 0:04:03.213 --> 0:04:04.933 as I would have wanted, you because they were hustling, 0:04:04.973 --> 0:04:07.373 you know, trying to make a living to support us kids. 0:04:07.373 --> 0:04:09.453 So that's one of the things that I think about now, 0:04:09.573 --> 0:04:12.733 you know, in adulthood that that kind of pained me 0:04:12.773 --> 0:04:15.533 when I was younger, was just wanting a deeper connection, 0:04:15.733 --> 0:04:16.813 you know, as a child, and. 0:04:16.813 --> 0:04:20.733 A deeper connection with specifically your mom or was it 0:04:20.813 --> 0:04:22.333 just yearning for something deeper? 0:04:25.013 --> 0:04:27.893 Definitely with my mom, for sure. My mom was a 0:04:27.933 --> 0:04:31.053 professional at ABC. She was an executive, one of the 0:04:31.093 --> 0:04:34.213 youngest female executives ever at ABC and Disney. So you 0:04:34.253 --> 0:04:36.653 know that that time, were you looking back on it, 0:04:36.653 --> 0:04:38.733 Where I really craved when I was younger was just 0:04:38.733 --> 0:04:42.133 that feeling safe, feeling supported, and feeling safe within that 0:04:42.173 --> 0:04:45.173 family structure, and I and we were very much children 0:04:45.213 --> 0:04:48.293 of the streets, very much running amock kind of constantly, 0:04:48.293 --> 0:04:50.173 and I didn't and we had Like I said, you know, 0:04:50.413 --> 0:04:52.733 these were wonderful people that helped raise us, you know, 0:04:52.813 --> 0:04:56.093 Isabelle and Juan and Sadie or it were and still 0:04:56.133 --> 0:04:58.813 are family members, but they weren't my parents, and so 0:05:00.133 --> 0:05:02.013 I look about older in life. That's something that I 0:05:02.253 --> 0:05:05.493 that I definitely have tried to make up for in 0:05:05.533 --> 0:05:08.373 adulthood in terms of kind of recreating that narrative, recreating 0:05:08.373 --> 0:05:11.413 the relationship, and kind of also just accepting that my 0:05:11.493 --> 0:05:14.053 parents did their absolute best. We tend to hold our 0:05:14.133 --> 0:05:17.933 parents to this unreachable standard and we tend to not 0:05:18.093 --> 0:05:21.133 view them as just normal people who are doing their best. 0:05:21.293 --> 0:05:23.533 They were single parents too, just like I am now 0:05:23.573 --> 0:05:26.013 and a single dad, and that's a tough life to 0:05:26.053 --> 0:05:28.853 try to figure out. You got two twin babies, you know. 0:05:28.933 --> 0:05:31.133 Like I said, my brother and I were extremely sick. 0:05:31.373 --> 0:05:33.773 My brother was at Cedar Sinai Medical Center for four 0:05:33.813 --> 0:05:36.333 months before he got to come home. So it was 0:05:36.373 --> 0:05:38.253 a tough time to come into the world and have 0:05:38.373 --> 0:05:40.813 our family kind of split apart. But they absolutely did 0:05:40.813 --> 0:05:42.773 their best with what they had, and I'm trying to 0:05:42.813 --> 0:05:45.773 give them credit as opposed to just kind of, you know, 0:05:45.853 --> 0:05:47.173 knock them as I'm in my. 0:05:47.173 --> 0:05:53.613 Forties, Zach, I appreciate your vulnerability first and foremost, something 0:05:53.613 --> 0:05:57.573 that we appreciate and try to hold space for on 0:05:57.613 --> 0:05:59.733 this platform. And the fact that you're leading off with 0:05:59.773 --> 0:06:03.653 it is amazing. And I know you talked about wanting 0:06:03.693 --> 0:06:06.733 to feel safe for me when I was fifteen years old. 0:06:06.733 --> 0:06:10.653 I think I started to feel safe via percocets and 0:06:11.733 --> 0:06:15.653 people pleasing. Where do you feel like you first started 0:06:15.653 --> 0:06:18.093 to turn tours to start to feel safe or feel 0:06:18.093 --> 0:06:19.093 some sort of peace. 0:06:20.493 --> 0:06:25.173 Yeah, people pleasing is my big one. I always grew 0:06:25.213 --> 0:06:28.573 up very quickly, so I was an eighteen year old 0:06:28.573 --> 0:06:30.733 when I was ten. I was always running around with parents. 0:06:30.853 --> 0:06:32.253 I grew up in a household that out of a 0:06:32.253 --> 0:06:33.733 lot of other kids that I sort of had to 0:06:33.973 --> 0:06:35.853 keep an eye out. My twin brother included. He kind 0:06:35.893 --> 0:06:38.773 of just how we were raised. He was sort of 0:06:38.773 --> 0:06:41.453 my little brother. So I was doing a tremendous amount 0:06:41.613 --> 0:06:45.973 of parenting and trying to just keep the vibe tolerable. 0:06:46.013 --> 0:06:48.453 I was trying to put out fires and not create, 0:06:48.893 --> 0:06:51.493 not feed into the chaos that is a single mother 0:06:51.613 --> 0:06:55.053 household with all the comings and goings, and yeah, I 0:06:55.053 --> 0:06:58.533 started to medicate very early on, very early on, like 0:06:58.613 --> 0:07:01.093 ten years old, eleven years old is when I remember 0:07:01.173 --> 0:07:05.013 first getting into my mom's wine. A lot of that 0:07:05.213 --> 0:07:07.413 was just related to wanting to be an adult. Was 0:07:07.453 --> 0:07:09.413 just seeing what all the adults did every single night, 0:07:09.453 --> 0:07:12.013 and wanting to be considered an adult, wanting to be 0:07:12.013 --> 0:07:13.613 a grown up, and wanting to do the things that 0:07:13.773 --> 0:07:17.933 the people I admired did. But that you know, I think, 0:07:18.173 --> 0:07:21.613 throughout my entire life, if I'm being honest, I always 0:07:21.613 --> 0:07:24.533 felt different. I always felt a level of anxiety maybe 0:07:24.693 --> 0:07:30.533 maybe like a simmering level of anxiety might not even 0:07:30.533 --> 0:07:34.133 be the right word, but just uneasiness. I always felt 0:07:34.133 --> 0:07:37.733 a little bit uneasy. And when I found alcohol and drugs, 0:07:37.893 --> 0:07:41.573 I found acceptance of myself. I found being accepted by others, 0:07:42.453 --> 0:07:44.333 you know, I found it gave me a lot of 0:07:44.333 --> 0:07:45.773 the things that I thought you needed to be a 0:07:45.773 --> 0:07:48.893 successful person. Right. I was funnier, I was more affable, 0:07:48.933 --> 0:07:50.813 I could kind of fall I could slide into that 0:07:50.973 --> 0:07:54.773 role and portray myself as older than I was. I 0:07:54.813 --> 0:07:56.533 thought that was one of the ways you grew up 0:07:56.653 --> 0:07:58.293 was by learning how to drink. And I took that 0:07:58.533 --> 0:08:01.893 very seriously. All my heroes were you know, I don't 0:08:01.933 --> 0:08:05.333 want to say functioning alcoholics, they were just alcoholics. I 0:08:05.373 --> 0:08:08.413 set my sights early on to try to, I mean 0:08:08.413 --> 0:08:10.533 literally try to integrate that into my life. I knew 0:08:10.573 --> 0:08:12.693 drinking was I knew drinking was important. I mean it 0:08:12.773 --> 0:08:16.133 was prioritized in terms of my social circles and my culture. 0:08:16.213 --> 0:08:18.613 That was something that it helped if you were really 0:08:18.613 --> 0:08:22.853 good at And I started to bury a whole lot 0:08:22.893 --> 0:08:28.133 of discomfort, uneasiness, anxiety. I also had this you know, 0:08:28.213 --> 0:08:30.293 they called me Golden Boy when I was a kid. 0:08:30.293 --> 0:08:32.133 That was the moniker I had. It was everybody had 0:08:32.133 --> 0:08:34.573 this idea of me that I was this golden child, 0:08:34.573 --> 0:08:37.013 that I was this handsome kid that could do really 0:08:37.013 --> 0:08:40.013 well in school. And I played every sport very well. 0:08:40.093 --> 0:08:42.933 So I was good at everything. And I peaked when 0:08:42.933 --> 0:08:44.893 I was like twelve. So as soon as I started 0:08:44.893 --> 0:08:47.733 to not make those expectations and I started to do 0:08:48.133 --> 0:08:50.533 less good in school, I started to have get into fights, 0:08:50.533 --> 0:08:53.533 I started to do whatever. You know, it really facilitated 0:08:53.693 --> 0:08:56.013 a spiral because I couldn't meet up to those expectations. 0:08:56.013 --> 0:08:59.053 And I think a lot of us fight meeting expectations 0:08:59.133 --> 0:09:01.693 of ourselves at a young age and then never really 0:09:01.733 --> 0:09:04.253 being able to catch up with and accept who we 0:09:04.253 --> 0:09:06.813 atually are and love that person. You know, I've always 0:09:07.133 --> 0:09:10.733 thought people loved the idea of me and the expectation 0:09:10.893 --> 0:09:12.813 of me as opposed to who I actually am. You 0:09:12.893 --> 0:09:13.373 know what I'm saying. 0:09:13.413 --> 0:09:15.093 Oh man, I know I know too much of what 0:09:15.133 --> 0:09:15.533 you're saying. 0:09:15.573 --> 0:09:18.653 I felt that way three years into the NFL, with 0:09:18.733 --> 0:09:21.933 every goal, every dream on my list checked off as 0:09:21.973 --> 0:09:25.613 far as what would be the blueprint to happiness and success, 0:09:25.773 --> 0:09:28.973 and I just like this, this ain't it Because from 0:09:28.973 --> 0:09:31.253 when I was a kid, you know, I wasn't black 0:09:31.373 --> 0:09:32.933 enough around the kids I was growing. 0:09:32.773 --> 0:09:35.493 Up around, and I had no identity in that. 0:09:35.533 --> 0:09:38.213 But I found identity in how many peels I could 0:09:38.213 --> 0:09:41.173 pop or how many how many beers I could drink. 0:09:41.533 --> 0:09:44.133 And it's like that, you know. 0:09:44.093 --> 0:09:47.213 That that identity around alcohol is real because nothing ever 0:09:47.213 --> 0:09:48.813 made me feel good, but we told me I could 0:09:49.013 --> 0:09:52.773 out drink people that made me feel great, and I. 0:09:52.693 --> 0:09:55.013 Started to get Yeah, I started to get that credibility 0:09:55.773 --> 0:09:58.773 as like a social facilitator, right too. You get that 0:09:58.853 --> 0:10:00.813 credibility for how much you can drink, how much you 0:10:00.813 --> 0:10:02.693 can use Do you got the hookups? Do you and 0:10:02.693 --> 0:10:04.453 know all the different kids and how the different prayers 0:10:04.533 --> 0:10:06.813 hook up so that you can facilitate party time? Do 0:10:06.853 --> 0:10:08.733 you know all the different phone numbers to call? And 0:10:08.773 --> 0:10:12.813 I became that party facilitator, that social coordinator early on. 0:10:13.213 --> 0:10:14.973 And that's another way that I got a lot of 0:10:14.973 --> 0:10:18.573 my like worth and my value was like facilitating a 0:10:18.573 --> 0:10:22.093 good time. Yeah, how long did it go on for? 0:10:22.413 --> 0:10:26.613 So you started drinking, your experimenting at ten or eleven? 0:10:28.013 --> 0:10:29.773 Where did that end up? 0:10:29.973 --> 0:10:30.093 Like? 0:10:30.173 --> 0:10:32.333 What was I mean? Walk us through a little bit 0:10:32.373 --> 0:10:36.213 of the path and the progression of the drinking and 0:10:36.253 --> 0:10:39.373 what else it led to and ultimately to your lowest point. 0:10:42.453 --> 0:10:45.213 Well, I think culturally I was always striving towards some 0:10:45.413 --> 0:10:48.733 level of alcoholism. That sounds strange, but where I come from, 0:10:49.133 --> 0:10:52.013 You know, you were kind of your adolescents in your 0:10:52.013 --> 0:10:56.053 early adulthood are spent kind of like honing your social capability, 0:10:56.093 --> 0:10:59.173 which means how you drink, how you use drugs, et cetera. 0:10:59.333 --> 0:11:02.373 So I got into daily drinking, you know, drinking as 0:11:02.373 --> 0:11:04.373 often as I could really when I was fifteen six, 0:11:04.533 --> 0:11:08.613 see always drinking at parties, drinking every weekend. That progressed 0:11:08.613 --> 0:11:14.933 into you know, weed and cocaine and other things nitrous oxide, acid, mushrooms, 0:11:14.933 --> 0:11:17.253 things like that at a at a young age, all 0:11:17.253 --> 0:11:19.373 through high school, and then by the time I went 0:11:19.413 --> 0:11:21.373 up to college at San Diego State University, I was 0:11:21.413 --> 0:11:24.373 a you know, I drank as often as you can 0:11:24.413 --> 0:11:26.613 put it in front of me, So any excuse to 0:11:26.653 --> 0:11:31.093 consume alcohol or drugs, I would gravitate towards and pursue, 0:11:31.493 --> 0:11:35.813 and that quickly I became enslaved to alcohol. By the 0:11:35.813 --> 0:11:37.813 time I was eighteen, I knew I was an alcoholic. 0:11:37.853 --> 0:11:40.253 I used to listen to the alcoholics of the Rat 0:11:40.293 --> 0:11:42.653 group that was like my we we would party to 0:11:42.693 --> 0:11:45.093 the alcoholics, and all they do is sing anthems about 0:11:45.293 --> 0:11:49.053 you know, grotesque consumption of alcohol and just overt alcoholism, 0:11:49.293 --> 0:11:51.613 and those are our those are our theme songs. You know. 0:11:51.653 --> 0:11:55.133 I really pursued that level of oblivion as often as 0:11:55.173 --> 0:11:58.733 I could because I needed it internally, and because it 0:11:58.773 --> 0:12:01.493 was a status symbol, Like that was acceptance where I 0:12:01.533 --> 0:12:04.253 was running, and you know, your access to drugs and 0:12:04.493 --> 0:12:08.013 alcohol and your ability to consume, to do to be 0:12:08.093 --> 0:12:10.493 the life of the party, was how you found acceptance. 0:12:10.533 --> 0:12:13.493 So I felt like I really needed those things in 0:12:13.573 --> 0:12:17.133 order to be participating in society and to gain any acceptance. 0:12:17.173 --> 0:12:20.053 But I made a decision really early on. I knew 0:12:20.093 --> 0:12:21.853 I was an alcoholic, and I knew I was physically 0:12:21.933 --> 0:12:24.373 addicted too, because I went, like one weekend tried out 0:12:24.373 --> 0:12:25.893 to drink when I was in college, and I thought, 0:12:25.933 --> 0:12:27.773 all right, I'm just going to commit myself just like 0:12:27.813 --> 0:12:30.373 my parents do, to drinking every night. That's what everybody 0:12:30.373 --> 0:12:33.293 else does. I can make the adjustment. I'll figure out 0:12:33.293 --> 0:12:36.773 how to drink, you know, even to oblivion on the regular, 0:12:36.853 --> 0:12:39.413 and we'll just figure it out. We'll be okay. And 0:12:39.453 --> 0:12:42.933 that that gave way to sell and weed at first 0:12:43.013 --> 0:12:44.773 to try to, you know, support my habits. I didn't 0:12:44.773 --> 0:12:47.413 have any money, you know, I've not had any money 0:12:47.493 --> 0:12:50.413 up until recently, to be honest, in terms of saving 0:12:50.453 --> 0:12:51.973 because of you, A lot of my wife my life 0:12:52.013 --> 0:12:53.213 has spent giving back. 0:12:54.933 --> 0:12:58.933 But yeah, my, my, my relationship with alcohol and drugs 0:12:58.933 --> 0:13:02.533 completely overtook my life very early on, and it totally 0:13:02.573 --> 0:13:06.933 occupied my transom, my son up to sun down until 0:13:06.933 --> 0:13:07.573 I got somewhere. 0:13:07.693 --> 0:13:12.893 I mean, I was completely enveloped by the devils of 0:13:12.893 --> 0:13:15.053 addiction in every way, shape and form, every place that 0:13:15.093 --> 0:13:18.173 that leads you everything that it just to you physically, emotionally, 0:13:18.653 --> 0:13:22.693 relationship wise. It completely took over my life and took 0:13:23.693 --> 0:13:26.293 it took my body completely failing. In order for me 0:13:26.373 --> 0:13:29.773 to have that the realization I needed to, I tried, man, 0:13:30.093 --> 0:13:32.293 I tried to go to meetings, I tried to link 0:13:32.373 --> 0:13:34.413 up with people. I tried to go cold turkey. I 0:13:34.413 --> 0:13:38.413 tried everything to eliminate alcohol and drugs for my life, 0:13:38.493 --> 0:13:40.853 or to drink like a gentleman, or to do this, 0:13:40.933 --> 0:13:43.173 that and the other, and it just wasn't possible for me. 0:13:43.253 --> 0:13:46.333 I needed that absolute rock bottom in order to facilitate 0:13:46.333 --> 0:13:47.293 any kind of recovery. 0:13:47.453 --> 0:13:51.173 So what were the physical ramifications of that much drinking 0:13:51.213 --> 0:13:51.613 for you? 0:13:54.253 --> 0:13:58.053 Well, it was interesting. You know, I was drinking twenty 0:13:58.053 --> 0:13:59.613 four hours a day. I got in a car accident 0:13:59.613 --> 0:14:02.093 in two thousand and three. I broke my chest and 0:14:02.093 --> 0:14:04.853 my shoulder. I broke my sternum and my shoulder got 0:14:05.053 --> 0:14:08.413 and you know, I got knocked out, and I was 0:14:08.493 --> 0:14:11.453 I was driving intoxicated. I rolled my truck off a cliff, 0:14:12.093 --> 0:14:14.453 like off a cliff and rolled down the cliff and 0:14:14.533 --> 0:14:18.453 got knocked out and hurt myself severely, and that, you know, 0:14:19.293 --> 0:14:22.693 that experience. Just healing from that experience, I had to 0:14:22.773 --> 0:14:24.653 drink to get through that. I had to drink a 0:14:24.653 --> 0:14:26.333 lot to get through that. I'm now I was drinking 0:14:26.533 --> 0:14:28.693 a box of wine a day just to get through 0:14:28.693 --> 0:14:31.493 the physical pain of healing from that injury. And that's 0:14:31.533 --> 0:14:33.893 what initiated twenty four hours a day drinking. That was like, 0:14:34.133 --> 0:14:37.773 there's this there's this fine edge when you get when 0:14:37.773 --> 0:14:40.373 you commit yourself to alcoholic, to alcoholism, and just the 0:14:40.493 --> 0:14:42.693 danger of doing that dance where it can push you 0:14:42.773 --> 0:14:45.173 over into twenty four hours a day to that physical dependency, 0:14:45.413 --> 0:14:48.653 not just emotional, but true physical dependency. And after I 0:14:48.693 --> 0:14:51.413 healed from that injury, I tried to go cold tricky, 0:14:51.653 --> 0:14:55.853 and I my the physical, emotional, every that kind of 0:14:55.893 --> 0:14:59.573 withdraw was brutal, was brutal. And I again, before I 0:14:59.613 --> 0:15:03.253 got really sick, I committed myself to alcoholism. I had 0:15:03.253 --> 0:15:06.053 another conversation with my after that crash, and I said, 0:15:06.053 --> 0:15:08.373 all right, well, I guess I'm addicted to alcohol, and 0:15:08.373 --> 0:15:09.733 I guess we're just going to have to figure out 0:15:09.773 --> 0:15:12.853 how to live addicted to alcohol as opposed to trying 0:15:12.853 --> 0:15:15.453 to pull the ripcord, ask for help figure out away. 0:15:15.493 --> 0:15:18.053 It was just too daunting. Trying to come up against 0:15:18.253 --> 0:15:22.173 society's norms. How well wellbn alcohol and alcoholism is to 0:15:22.253 --> 0:15:26.253 our social fabric was just overwhelming to me. I couldn't 0:15:26.293 --> 0:15:29.973 contemplate fitting into my skin, fitting into society, fitting into 0:15:30.013 --> 0:15:33.853 my family as a sober individual, and underneath at all. 0:15:33.893 --> 0:15:36.533 I think the main part was that I couldn't tolerate myself. 0:15:37.013 --> 0:15:38.733 You know, when those voices would creep in. As soon 0:15:38.733 --> 0:15:40.573 as alcohol drugs would seep out of my system, and 0:15:40.613 --> 0:15:44.693 those voices would start to creep in, is a overwhelming 0:15:44.813 --> 0:15:46.973 panic that would take over my body. If I got 0:15:47.013 --> 0:15:48.573 to run away for myself, I got to run away 0:15:48.573 --> 0:15:51.453 from myself, I can't. I can't tolerate you. I just 0:15:51.533 --> 0:15:54.093 cannot tolerate you, dude. And the only way I could 0:15:54.133 --> 0:15:57.733 get myself out of my head is through alcohol. So 0:15:57.773 --> 0:16:02.133 it just facilitated this brutal, brutal cycle until my liver 0:16:02.293 --> 0:16:05.453 finally failed. You know, I went into full blown alcoholic 0:16:05.493 --> 0:16:09.613 liver failure, and I tried every with all of my 0:16:09.773 --> 0:16:13.453 power to avoid getting that diagnosis. And to the part 0:16:13.573 --> 0:16:14.973 I just wouldn't go to the doctor. I mean, I 0:16:14.973 --> 0:16:18.173 was leaking blood from both ends of my body. And 0:16:18.173 --> 0:16:19.813 by the time I finally went to the doctor and 0:16:19.853 --> 0:16:22.053 got you know, blood tests and checked up on I'll 0:16:22.093 --> 0:16:24.093 never forget she came. The nurse came out and sat 0:16:24.133 --> 0:16:26.413 down next to me. She put her hands on my 0:16:26.453 --> 0:16:29.053 hand and she said, honey, you know these are your 0:16:29.173 --> 0:16:32.413 your blood test results, and you're in liver failure and 0:16:32.453 --> 0:16:34.493 you need to go to a hospital right now. And 0:16:34.533 --> 0:16:37.093 I was at a hospital, but not a very good one, 0:16:37.133 --> 0:16:38.933 and she said, you know, this is very serious, and 0:16:39.733 --> 0:16:42.373 I said okay, and I just completely brushed it off. 0:16:42.453 --> 0:16:45.693 I went home alied to my dad. I started wearing baggy. 0:16:45.813 --> 0:16:48.653 I was turning yellow, so I started to turn bright yellow. 0:16:49.133 --> 0:16:52.053 Had my belly started to fill up with blood and bile. 0:16:52.213 --> 0:16:54.533 So I was like nine months pregnant. I had these 0:16:54.653 --> 0:16:58.853 varicose veins feeding this huge mass inside of my stomach. 0:16:58.893 --> 0:17:00.893 My belly button was her head, and my ankles were 0:17:00.893 --> 0:17:03.213 full of liquid. My feet were full of liquid. And 0:17:03.293 --> 0:17:06.373 I couldn't come to grip with that diagnosis because I 0:17:06.413 --> 0:17:08.733 knew it meant no more alcohol for me forever, so 0:17:08.773 --> 0:17:11.173 I just avoided it. I just lied and avoided it, 0:17:11.253 --> 0:17:14.013 and then finally I started to have ammonia build up 0:17:14.013 --> 0:17:17.653 on my brain, where you really you forget where you are, 0:17:18.053 --> 0:17:20.973 You lose your balance, you don't understand who you are. 0:17:21.013 --> 0:17:24.653 Sometimes you kind of vacillate between coherence and total incoherence. 0:17:25.173 --> 0:17:26.933 And it was at that point that my dad took 0:17:26.933 --> 0:17:30.293 me to the hospital to Bakershield Memorial Hospital for long 0:17:30.413 --> 0:17:34.373 term stay and I stayed there for almost six weeks. 0:17:35.053 --> 0:17:37.053 The first thing the doctor said when after they got 0:17:37.053 --> 0:17:39.493 me stabilized, was, you know, your son needs a liver 0:17:39.533 --> 0:17:42.933 transplant and he's not going to get one. Period. I 0:17:42.973 --> 0:17:45.693 was given, you know, an eighty percent chance of dying 0:17:45.693 --> 0:17:47.853 within ninety days if I didn't have a liver transplant. 0:17:47.853 --> 0:17:50.413 So it was very cutting, you know, cutt and dry. 0:17:50.413 --> 0:17:53.453 It was, you need a liver transplant immediately or you're 0:17:53.493 --> 0:17:57.293 going to die. And they don't give alcoholics liver transplants. Period. 0:17:57.573 --> 0:18:01.733 You needs six months of recovery just to apply, just 0:18:01.773 --> 0:18:04.933 to be considered for the transplant program. I didn't have 0:18:04.973 --> 0:18:07.773 six hours of sobriety, you know. It was it was 0:18:07.813 --> 0:18:10.213 a terribly dire situation, you know. 0:18:10.533 --> 0:18:13.493 So do you end up getting the transplant or what 0:18:13.573 --> 0:18:14.373 happens next. 0:18:18.373 --> 0:18:21.333 So there's only seven hospitals in the state of California 0:18:21.733 --> 0:18:24.773 that do liver transplant, and I was not at one 0:18:24.773 --> 0:18:26.853 of them, and I was not in a transplant program, 0:18:26.893 --> 0:18:28.373 So there was no chance and no hope of me 0:18:28.413 --> 0:18:30.613 getting a liver transplant. The only hope was to get 0:18:30.653 --> 0:18:33.493 into one of those hospitals, and my dad is in there. 0:18:34.053 --> 0:18:36.453 This is so much of my sobriety story. So much 0:18:36.453 --> 0:18:39.253 of my comeback story is really a love story between 0:18:39.253 --> 0:18:41.573 a dad and his son. You know, a dad who 0:18:41.693 --> 0:18:45.173 just refused to give up on his son and refused 0:18:45.213 --> 0:18:47.453 to say, this is our lot in life. You know, 0:18:47.493 --> 0:18:49.093 he's not going to make it, and we just have 0:18:49.213 --> 0:18:51.853 to accept that. He just never entered his mind for 0:18:51.893 --> 0:18:54.413 a second that I wasn't gonna make it, and he 0:18:54.453 --> 0:18:56.693 did everything in his power to get me to a 0:18:56.733 --> 0:19:00.293 hospital that would care for me. And we finally got 0:18:59.773 --> 0:19:03.093 a meeting through a very child, through a nurse who 0:19:03.133 --> 0:19:05.893 worked for our insurance company, and she got us a 0:19:05.973 --> 0:19:09.453 very chance interview with the Cedar Sinai Comprehensive Transplant Center. 0:19:09.493 --> 0:19:12.133 So that's the best transplant center in America. It's at 0:19:12.133 --> 0:19:14.373 the hospital I was born at and they said, if 0:19:14.373 --> 0:19:16.053 you can get here within the next two days, we 0:19:16.053 --> 0:19:18.333 will get you a meeting with doctor Tram, trans the 0:19:18.333 --> 0:19:21.733 head of transplant. So my dad said, we're going, you know, 0:19:21.853 --> 0:19:23.573 pull all this shit out of your body. We're going. 0:19:23.653 --> 0:19:26.173 And the doctor said, no, you're not. You can't leave here. 0:19:26.293 --> 0:19:28.253 He'll he'll die if you leave here. I mean, I 0:19:28.333 --> 0:19:30.733 was the sickest the sick person could get. You know, 0:19:30.773 --> 0:19:33.533 I'd gone through alcohol withdrow in the hospital. I got 0:19:33.533 --> 0:19:36.253 addicted to delauded in the hospital. That's a whole other story. 0:19:36.533 --> 0:19:40.053 I got heavily addicted to opiates that six weeks that 0:19:40.093 --> 0:19:41.893 I was in the hospital, So I was I was 0:19:41.933 --> 0:19:45.773 in a very delicate state to be moved period, but 0:19:45.813 --> 0:19:48.653 my dad didn't, and he signed me out against doctor's orders. 0:19:48.773 --> 0:19:51.453 We did a burnout in the parking lot to get 0:19:51.533 --> 0:19:54.013 as far away from that place seemingly possible because I 0:19:54.053 --> 0:19:56.333