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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope

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Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it

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Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for Session one seventeen of the Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls Podcast. If you follow us on social media,

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Speaker 1: then you know that all month long we've been celebrating

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Speaker 1: a summer of sisterhood by having conversations each day about

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Speaker 1: our relationships with other sisters. So if you miss them,

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Speaker 1: then you definitely want to head on over to our

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Speaker 1: social media pages to jump into those conversations. But something

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Speaker 1: that has come up in the course of this month

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Speaker 1: have been concerns around jealousy and friendships and how this

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Speaker 1: undermines the ability to really make or sustain friendships. So

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Speaker 1: I wanted to spend some time today talking about where

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Speaker 1: jealousy comes from and what we can do about it

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Speaker 1: when it pops up in a friendship. So, jealousy is

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Speaker 1: the feeling that someone is trying to take something you

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Speaker 1: have or you want, and it often comes from a

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Speaker 1: place of scarcity, anger, feeling inadequate, are not confident in

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Speaker 1: who we are and what we're capable of. And if

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Speaker 1: we're talking about this in the confines of a friendship,

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Speaker 1: it may be that we feel like a friend is

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Speaker 1: living a life we could only dream of, or we

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Speaker 1: feel like a friend gets opportunities that we just don't.

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Speaker 1: So what do we do when these kinds of feelings

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Speaker 1: pop up? Here are a few things that I'd like

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Speaker 1: you to consider. Number One, Jealousy is not inherently a

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Speaker 1: bad thing. You're not an evil person because you become jealous,

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't necessarily mean that you're a bad friend.

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Speaker 1: But it does mean that there's something going on internally

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Speaker 1: that probably needs some attention. I think it's important that

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Speaker 1: we start here because a lot of times what will

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Speaker 1: happen is that we'll feel jealous about something that happens

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Speaker 1: in our friend's life, and all of a sudden, we

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Speaker 1: feel embarrassed, are ashamed that we felt this way, and

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Speaker 1: we then might become very critical of ourselves or shut

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Speaker 1: down towards these feelings, and then we start acting out

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Speaker 1: in ways that are likely harmful to us and our friendship.

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Speaker 1: So I think it's important to acknowledge when we have

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Speaker 1: these feelings and then pay attention to what needs to

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Speaker 1: happen in our lives for us to take care of

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Speaker 1: these feelings. Number two, consider what in your own life

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Speaker 1: you may need to do to feel more confident about

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Speaker 1: your abilities or yourself. This might mean taking some classes

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Speaker 1: or seeking the help of a mentor to further develop

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Speaker 1: skills that need it, or the work might be with

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Speaker 1: a therapist to get a better understanding of how the

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Speaker 1: experiences in your life may have left you feeling less

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Speaker 1: than even though there may be no evidence to support

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Speaker 1: this belief. If your jealousy is driven by a feeling

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Speaker 1: of inadequacy, disbelief probably came from somewhere, and working with

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Speaker 1: a therapist might help you to figure out where it

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Speaker 1: came from and then develop some strategies to lessen the

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Speaker 1: impact that it has on your life. Because even though

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Speaker 1: the jealousy may be showing up most clearly in your

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Speaker 1: relationship with your friend. It's very likely that if you're

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Speaker 1: struggling with feelings of inadequacy, it's probably showing up other

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Speaker 1: places in your life as well. Number three, I want

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Speaker 1: you to think about whether your jealousy is based on

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Speaker 1: something real. So you may think that you know everything

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Speaker 1: about your friend, but do you really so that new

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Speaker 1: job that she's celebrating, What did it take for her

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Speaker 1: to really get there? And yes, the pictures of her

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Speaker 1: and her boo look beautiful on Instagram, but do you

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Speaker 1: really know what's happening behind closed doors? Jealousy is often

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Speaker 1: a part of a story that we've created in our

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Speaker 1: heads that often isn't all the way true. So I

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Speaker 1: want you to consider that you may be putting a

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Speaker 1: lot of energy wishing for something that if you have

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Speaker 1: the full picture, you might not want as much. And

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Speaker 1: if we take it a step further, is her idea

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Speaker 1: of joy and yours the same? Or do you see

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Speaker 1: that it makes her happy and you think it would

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Speaker 1: do the same for you. Sometimes the source of our

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Speaker 1: jealousy is that we haven't tapped into what will make

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Speaker 1: us happy in our own lives, and we need to

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Speaker 1: spend some time doing some work there. Number four, is

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Speaker 1: there any truth to the idea that there is a

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Speaker 1: scarcity of whatever you're jealous about? Like I said earlier,

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Speaker 1: sometimes jealousy develops out of a belief that there is

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Speaker 1: only so much to go around. So she has a

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Speaker 1: great job, you can have a great job too. There's

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Speaker 1: not only one great job. She has a caring relationship.

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Speaker 1: You can cultivate that in your life as well. It

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Speaker 1: is simply not true that there is a finite source

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Speaker 1: of joyful things in this world. So trying not to

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Speaker 1: get so caught up in her joy that you miss

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Speaker 1: out on your own. And I also want you to

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Speaker 1: consider that this scarcity that often fuels our jealousy with

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Speaker 1: others has often been manufactured by somebody else. So this

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Speaker 1: idea that there can only be one black woman who's

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Speaker 1: a tenure track professor in the political science department, is

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Speaker 1: that a system we set up? Or is that a

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Speaker 1: system we've been socialized to buy into that leaves us

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Speaker 1: side eyeing and being snarky with the other sisters in

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Speaker 1: our department. Just think about it. And number five, I

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Speaker 1: wonder if we can create spaces in our friendships to

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Speaker 1: actually talk about these things. I think that in relationship

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Speaker 1: with one another there is a unique possibility for vulnerability, compassion,

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Speaker 1: and healing if we can allow it to happen. So

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Speaker 1: let's say that you feel some jealousy pop up after

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Speaker 1: a friend announces that she's pregnant and you've been struggling

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Speaker 1: to conceive. What might it be like for you and

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Speaker 1: your friend to be able to create a space for

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Speaker 1: one another where she's able to share her excitement and

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Speaker 1: happiness while you also share your sadness and disappointment. Those

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Speaker 1: things do not have to cancel one another out. There's

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Speaker 1: a way for you to show up for her excitement

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Speaker 1: in a way for her to show up in your

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Speaker 1: sadness that can affirm and comfort both of you. But

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Speaker 1: this requires a vulnerability and setting aside of ego to

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Speaker 1: make this happen. But I wonder how much stronger could

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Speaker 1: our relationships be if we're able to get to a

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Speaker 1: point where we can create this. Do you think that

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Speaker 1: this is something that you have in your friendships? So

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Speaker 1: y'all know, I want to hear your thoughts about this.

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Speaker 1: Tell me about your experiences with jealousy and friendships. Were

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Speaker 1: you the one who was jealous or has a friend

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Speaker 1: been jealous of you? And how were you able to

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Speaker 1: resolve it? If you did, share your thoughts with us

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Speaker 1: on social media using the hashtag TBG in session. And

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Speaker 1: please go ahead and share this episode with two of

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Speaker 1: your girls right now, texted to them, d emmitt to them, whatever,

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Speaker 1: so that we can continue this conversation. If you're searching

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Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, be sure to check

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Speaker 1: out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot

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Speaker 1: com slash directory. And if you want to continue this

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Speaker 1: conversation with other sisters who listen to the podcast, come

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Speaker 1: on over and join us in the Yellow Couch Collective,

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Speaker 1: which is our community where we really take a deep

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Speaker 1: dive into the topics covered on the podcast and practice

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Speaker 1: some new skills with one another. You can join us

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C.

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Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.

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Speaker 1: I look forward to continue in this conversation with you

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Speaker 1: all real soon. Take it care