1 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Union 2 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat, I'm the host. I'm 3 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,439 Speaker 1: so glad you're here. And from the beginning, we like 4 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:23,280 Speaker 1: to remind everybody that although this is a podcast about 5 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: mental health, about life, about therapy, and I'm a therapist, 6 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: this podcast does not serve as a replacement or as 7 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: a substitute for actual mental health services. However, it still 8 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:38,640 Speaker 1: can be helpful. Now, today is a special episode. It 9 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,400 Speaker 1: was really not a special episode, but I want to 10 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:43,840 Speaker 1: make every episode a special episode. Um, but this weekend 11 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:48,160 Speaker 1: special because yesterday was my birthday, and so I'm thinking 12 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:50,640 Speaker 1: of this episode as my birthday episode, and so I'm 13 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: thinking of this episode as really a gift from me 14 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: directly to all of you listening, which is why we 15 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,200 Speaker 1: are going to be talking about what we were talking 16 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: about today. Now I'm recording this before my birthday happens, 17 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 1: so I can't really give you an update or tell 18 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: you anything that I learned when I turned thirty three, 19 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:13,640 Speaker 1: because I still have two more days for that to haven. 20 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: But this Wednesday on Couch Talks, just a heads up, 21 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 1: I am going to be doing a little gift guide 22 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: like a meanful gift Guide. I thought it would be 23 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:26,320 Speaker 1: really cool to put together a podcast talking about certain 24 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:30,680 Speaker 1: gifts that are special to give and receive and just 25 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,440 Speaker 1: give you some ideas for things if you want to 26 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:37,600 Speaker 1: give something that has a little meaning to it. So, 27 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 1: if you guys have any ideas or things that you've 28 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:41,840 Speaker 1: received or given in the past, let me know and 29 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,039 Speaker 1: I might include those. I'm going to keep the list 30 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:46,960 Speaker 1: kind of small because you know, one of the things 31 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 1: I love about gift guides is there are limited options 32 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,120 Speaker 1: and it healthy narrow things down. So I'm going to 33 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 1: take my favorite things and put them in there. And 34 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: so I say that because maybe one day I might 35 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,600 Speaker 1: give you some information on what it feels like to 36 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 1: be a third be three year old for all of 37 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: you that haven't got there and are wondering now for 38 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:09,360 Speaker 1: this episode this week again, this I'm thinking about is 39 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,040 Speaker 1: um like a gift from me, from the insides of me, 40 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,639 Speaker 1: my heart to you guys. And so last year at 41 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:20,720 Speaker 1: this time, I released an episode called Fifteen Things that 42 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,359 Speaker 1: Being a Therapist taught Me and I was going to 43 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: do around two of that and I started um picking 44 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,680 Speaker 1: out what things I wanted to put in that list. 45 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,640 Speaker 1: And then I was thinking, what if I just talked 46 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 1: about basic things that have helped me move through this 47 00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:37,880 Speaker 1: specific year, not just as Catherine the therapist, but as 48 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 1: Catherine the person. And I will say this year has 49 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,920 Speaker 1: been one of my favorites yet it has been full 50 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:49,120 Speaker 1: of a ton of travel. I didn't think I did 51 00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 1: or was doing as much until finally I was like 52 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 1: looking back at my camera role and I was like, 53 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I have gone a million places this year. 54 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: So it's been full of travel. It's been full of events, 55 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:04,560 Speaker 1: It's been full of falling in love very unexpectedly, and 56 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,639 Speaker 1: between all this, there's also been a lot of discomfort. 57 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 1: I I feel like this has been one of my 58 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,880 Speaker 1: favorite years. Like I said, and I cried so much 59 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:18,639 Speaker 1: this year. Those tears have meant different things, some sadness, 60 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 1: some joy, some confusion. But this year has also been 61 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 1: full of apologies and let downs and things like that. 62 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,760 Speaker 1: And so what I want to give you today is 63 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,720 Speaker 1: some of the helpful parts of my own inner dialogue 64 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 1: that have been ingrained in my brain that have not 65 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,840 Speaker 1: only helped me kind of sit in and experience and 66 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,119 Speaker 1: feel the goodness that I've had this year, but It's 67 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,880 Speaker 1: also helped me move through and accept some of the 68 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,920 Speaker 1: icky stuff as well. So some of these things you've 69 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: heard before, I'm sure and heard me say before, some 70 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: of them might be new to you. And what I 71 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 1: want to encourage you guys to do is take what 72 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: you want and leave what you don't. That's one of 73 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,960 Speaker 1: the cool things about being individuals. We don't have to 74 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 1: agree with everything someone thinks and says and does in 75 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 1: order to agree with some of the things. So let's 76 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 1: just get into the list, because you know I'm gonna 77 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 1: go into some tangents, and you know, for time's sake, 78 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 1: let's jump in. Okay. Number one, to accept forgiveness, you 79 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:27,640 Speaker 1: also have to forgive yourself. And I'm starting with this 80 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,640 Speaker 1: one because I actually had to call upon it this 81 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,919 Speaker 1: morning after I did a little overreacting with a situation 82 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: that involved Patrick, my boyfriend, and Christmas pajamas. And it 83 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:45,920 Speaker 1: came up this morning because after this situation, I woke 84 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:51,239 Speaker 1: up feeling less upset with the situation and more upset 85 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:55,479 Speaker 1: with myself because of course, sweet Patrick was fine, and 86 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 1: he was not judging me or trying to disagree or 87 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,000 Speaker 1: prove a point. He kind of accepted and then his 88 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 1: part of the track and wanted to find a solution. 89 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: So this brings into the idea that when we do 90 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,200 Speaker 1: things that don't align with our morals and our values, 91 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,920 Speaker 1: often we get a rush of guilt. And this guilt 92 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,280 Speaker 1: is there to let us know, hey, that wasn't cool. 93 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,239 Speaker 1: And the gift of that guilt, the gift of that feeling, 94 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 1: is the repair of the relationship or whatever that affected. 95 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,440 Speaker 1: When I recognize that I have done something that's out 96 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:31,600 Speaker 1: of character, I can then take steps towards repairing that relationship. 97 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,799 Speaker 1: I can apologize, and then I get to experience, hopefully 98 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:38,440 Speaker 1: the grace of forgiveness. However, when we turn guilt into 99 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: toxic shame, that's not the experience we have. Toxic shame says, 100 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 1: rather than I did something bad, I am bad. And 101 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 1: toxic shame puts us in a jail cell that we 102 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,440 Speaker 1: think is locked but actually isn't. And I think a 103 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,719 Speaker 1: lot of times the jail cell only even has like 104 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: three walls. Always to do is turn around and walk out. 105 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: We don't even need to like open a door. When 106 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:05,200 Speaker 1: we feel toxic shame. There is no reconciliation, there's no repair. 107 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,440 Speaker 1: If I am bad, then I just am bad and 108 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:12,799 Speaker 1: that's that. And over vacation, I went on a vacation 109 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:16,159 Speaker 1: with my family for Thanksgiving for a week, and over vacation, 110 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: I said something to Patrick, my boyfriend, that kind of 111 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 1: came out of nowhere. This is separate from the pajama situation, 112 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 1: but this thing kind I kind of came out of nowhere. Well, 113 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,920 Speaker 1: I take that back, it didn't come out of nowhere. 114 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 1: In reality, I was trying to suppress some emotions about 115 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 1: something and then I couldn't do that anymore because that's 116 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,440 Speaker 1: not how emotions and feelings work. And I said something 117 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 1: that wasn't kind, and it wasn't in a kind way. 118 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,480 Speaker 1: And as soon as I said it and I saw 119 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:47,160 Speaker 1: the look on Patrick's face, I immediately wanted to apologize profusely, 120 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,719 Speaker 1: and I did apologize over and over, and of course, 121 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: being the sweet, understanding human that he is, he said 122 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,719 Speaker 1: to me over and over, it's okay, I forgive you, 123 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:01,160 Speaker 1: and he meant that I'm assumed mean. Patrick probably saw 124 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 1: that I did something bad, but that comment did not 125 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 1: turn me into a bad person in his brain, Whereas 126 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: for me, I went down a trail of I'm so ungrateful. 127 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 1: I don't treat him how he deserves. I'm selfish, et cetera. 128 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 1: Like so many thoughts, and I turned a comment I 129 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 1: made into the person that I am. I replayed the 130 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: scenario in my head for days, and I apologized a lot, 131 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 1: to the point I don't know if it got annoying. 132 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,480 Speaker 1: I don't think it did, but it could. It could, 133 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,360 Speaker 1: and for a lot of people, in a lot of 134 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: situations like this, it does get annoying. And the thing is, 135 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,280 Speaker 1: each time I heard Patrick say it was okay and 136 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 1: he forgave me, I felt icky. Still. It didn't take 137 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: all that feeling away, And at this point I didn't 138 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,520 Speaker 1: realize it in the moment, but I wasn't actually looking 139 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,400 Speaker 1: for his forgiveness because I had already received that. I 140 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 1: knew he wasn't mad at me. I was mad at 141 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,680 Speaker 1: myself for hurting somebody that I love, and the repair 142 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 1: I needed to make was also within myself. I wasn't 143 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,000 Speaker 1: afraid Patrick was going to leave me or think I 144 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: was a horrible person. The conflict I was having was 145 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 1: accepting that I was deserving of love and forgiveness from him. 146 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: I had to remind myself that good people can do 147 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: bad things. And the bad things don't then equate those 148 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,520 Speaker 1: people to be a bad person. Good people mess up. 149 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,240 Speaker 1: The difference between good people and bad people is that 150 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 1: bad people a lot of times don't care to do 151 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 1: anything about it, or they don't even recognize that they 152 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 1: did something that was unkind. So, if you were in 153 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,960 Speaker 1: a place where you feel really stuck with the situation 154 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,800 Speaker 1: and you still are feeling all of this guilt, what 155 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 1: might be happening is you're feeling toxic shame and not 156 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,079 Speaker 1: realizing it, and the conversation you need to have might 157 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 1: not be with that other person. It might need to 158 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:41,599 Speaker 1: be within yourself. Okay, Number two, letting people down is 159 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:44,880 Speaker 1: part of the price of admission to a full life. 160 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,160 Speaker 1: I could go on for days with this one, but 161 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,959 Speaker 1: it really is that simple, and so I don't really 162 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: need to go on for days. If you're wondering why 163 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,880 Speaker 1: it's so hard, so stressful, and so never ending to 164 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:02,160 Speaker 1: make everyone happy, it's because it is impossible to do that, 165 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: not just because it's hard. It's hard because it's impossible. Now, 166 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: this is not an excuse to just be a jerk 167 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,920 Speaker 1: all the time and only think of yourself. That's not 168 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,000 Speaker 1: this at all. But When we accept life's terms, life 169 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,360 Speaker 1: starts to be more fun. Life doesn't have to be 170 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 1: so serious all the time. We don't have to be 171 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 1: calculating every single move we make. Then we don't end 172 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:24,840 Speaker 1: up actually being ourselves. Perfect scenarios are awesome in concept. 173 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,400 Speaker 1: I love thinking about them, but they rarely pan out. 174 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:34,120 Speaker 1: They rarely are possible. If ever, compromise here is key. 175 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: Acting in love rather than resentment is key. And seeing 176 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 1: people including you as equals rather than creating a hierarchy 177 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:55,559 Speaker 1: system for who deserves what is key. Number three insecurity 178 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:02,360 Speaker 1: turns legitimate questions into interrogation. Now this comes up and 179 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:06,360 Speaker 1: we feel ourselves or those around us getting defensive. Often 180 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,559 Speaker 1: questions that we receive or we give to somebody else 181 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:12,200 Speaker 1: come up out of curiosity. They come up out of 182 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:17,640 Speaker 1: wonder and genuine concern or attempts to understand someone or something. 183 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 1: Questions are not always a result of someone judging you 184 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,760 Speaker 1: or trying to prove a point. However, when we feel 185 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:30,479 Speaker 1: unsure about ourselves and our choices when something is questioned, 186 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:35,000 Speaker 1: then often we feel attacked, and it's important to check 187 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 1: the facts. Here, what is this person saying versus what 188 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 1: am I hearing? Them say, where am I inserting judgment 189 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,600 Speaker 1: and assumption? And do I need some simple clarification here 190 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 1: before I start to defend myself. Number four, Attention is 191 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,560 Speaker 1: not love and belonging. And this is something that you 192 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,559 Speaker 1: guys probably have heard me say a million times or 193 00:10:56,559 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 1: talk about a million times, and it will be on 194 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 1: this list forever and ever because we always need the reminder. 195 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:05,320 Speaker 1: This one is tough because attention sometimes does feel like 196 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 1: love and belonging in the moment. But what I know 197 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 1: to be true is you don't have to perform to 198 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 1: get that attention to be loved. That is not how 199 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: it works. Belonging is an experience that happens when you 200 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 1: just show up and it works out. You don't have 201 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 1: to do anything to belong somewhere. And loving something about 202 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: someone isn't the same as loving someone. For example, I 203 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,400 Speaker 1: may love a song that Taylor Swift releases, but that 204 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:38,440 Speaker 1: does not mean I necessarily love her, which, if you 205 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,600 Speaker 1: think about it, why do you think so many people 206 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,240 Speaker 1: with fame and attention and money and all this stuff 207 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,679 Speaker 1: feels so lonely and sad and talk about that constantly. 208 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 1: You know, attention is not love and belonging, So Taylor 209 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 1: is not her music. Her music is part of her 210 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 1: and part of who she is. Sure it comes from 211 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 1: who she is, but is not why she deserves love 212 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:01,680 Speaker 1: from the people she surrounds herself with. I put this 213 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,960 Speaker 1: one in here one because it's tough and we have 214 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: to remind ourselves of this constantly. But this year I 215 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 1: had to make a decision that I knew would result 216 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,440 Speaker 1: in certain kinds of attention diminishing in my life. And 217 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,920 Speaker 1: this attention was something that felt good and that I 218 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: um sometimes would fall back on a lot of times 219 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:25,439 Speaker 1: when I was feeling low, and keeping that attention at 220 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,920 Speaker 1: this point in my life was costing me more energy 221 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,600 Speaker 1: than it actually gave me and fueled me, and the 222 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,440 Speaker 1: equation of it just wasn't adding up, like it wasn't 223 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,000 Speaker 1: working out anymore. And I had to remind myself that 224 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,440 Speaker 1: without that attention, I'm still loved and I still have 225 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:44,520 Speaker 1: a place where I belong, regardless if that is there 226 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 1: for me still, that actually is not love, That is 227 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,200 Speaker 1: not where I fully belong if I still have to 228 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,360 Speaker 1: perform in some way to be able to show up there. 229 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 1: And so I don't know if some of you have 230 00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:58,199 Speaker 1: to face hard decisions this year, maybe you face the 231 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,600 Speaker 1: last year where we have to let something goo that 232 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:05,520 Speaker 1: aren't all bad, but they aren't worth it anymore. And 233 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 1: for me, the fear was where will I fall back 234 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,840 Speaker 1: now when I'm feeling low? And I had to remind 235 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,800 Speaker 1: myself if I was falling back on that to feel 236 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:17,400 Speaker 1: better for myself, I wasn't actually falling back on legitimate love. 237 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 1: I'm belonging Okay. Number five. You don't have to understand 238 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 1: someone to love them and treat them kindly. And this 239 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:31,080 Speaker 1: one was big for me this year. And I mean 240 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,720 Speaker 1: that in the way that it was hard for me 241 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: this year. The past couple of years, as most of 242 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,079 Speaker 1: y'all know, I have been very challenging in this regard, 243 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: and especially this year and this summer, when I felt 244 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,680 Speaker 1: like everywhere I turned there was a debate about pro 245 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 1: life and pro choice and religion and Christianity and is 246 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,880 Speaker 1: it bad and is it good? And I started to 247 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:55,080 Speaker 1: get really upset constantly, and I was having these wars 248 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 1: inside my brain, and I was writing all these things 249 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,800 Speaker 1: out that I wanted to post, and most of them 250 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: I didn't end up posting them, and it ended with 251 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,080 Speaker 1: me finally scheduling a two hour therapy session with my 252 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:10,000 Speaker 1: own therapist because I couldn't essentially deal in settle down 253 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 1: with my feelings around a lot of times people in 254 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 1: my personal life that had different opinions send me. And 255 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: what I learned was we cannot solve our problems with 256 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:24,760 Speaker 1: the same thinking that created those issues. Black and white 257 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:29,920 Speaker 1: thinking does not offer much space to create opportunities to 258 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 1: understand other people's points of view. And even if I 259 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 1: don't fully understand someone's point of view, because that's another 260 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,760 Speaker 1: black and white kind of way to think, like, I 261 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,560 Speaker 1: have to fully understand how you can think this, how 262 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: you can view this, how you can believe this, how 263 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: this can be good, how this can be bad. I 264 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 1: have to fully understand all of that to accept it, 265 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: or to to love somebody, or to be able to 266 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,040 Speaker 1: have a kind relationship with somebody. Um, that's another way 267 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 1: of black and white thinking. I have to fully do 268 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 1: something like that in order you have some kind of 269 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: resolve that doesn't really work. And something that I would 270 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 1: fall back on when it came to this is people 271 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 1: don't have to be me for me to love them, 272 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 1: and expecting people to think like me to act like me, 273 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 1: to talk like me, to believe like me. Expecting that 274 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,680 Speaker 1: from everybody else, expecting me from everybody else was setting 275 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 1: me up to be disappointed. And I need to treat 276 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,480 Speaker 1: myself like me, and I need to accept me from me. 277 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:35,000 Speaker 1: But I need to accept and understand and expect you 278 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,040 Speaker 1: from you. So you don't have to understand somebody to 279 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: love them and treat them kindly. Number six, making fun 280 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:47,359 Speaker 1: a priority is a non negotiable, and savoring mundane experiences 281 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 1: makes life so so much bigger. I don't have a 282 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 1: lot to say about this one, because again, this one's 283 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 1: really really simple, and I am somebody. I'm a seven 284 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,200 Speaker 1: on the Instagram. So something that I do is I 285 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 1: just look for the future a lot. I look forward 286 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 1: to events and trips and just things on the calendar. 287 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 1: I look forward to these big things all the time. 288 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 1: And while I had a lot of big things this 289 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:15,840 Speaker 1: this year, and I had a lot of trips, and 290 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,360 Speaker 1: I had a lot of events, and I had a 291 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,600 Speaker 1: lot of that, I also had a lot of sitting 292 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 1: at home and cooking the same meal that I normally 293 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:29,040 Speaker 1: cook and doing a puzzle and watching TV and hanging 294 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,960 Speaker 1: out with the same people in the same city in 295 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,040 Speaker 1: the same restaurant, like I had a lot of that 296 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,240 Speaker 1: as well, and if we did the math, I had 297 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 1: more of that than I had these big trips. And 298 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,960 Speaker 1: I personally do not want to look back on my 299 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:47,120 Speaker 1: life and only have savored the big, big parts because 300 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,160 Speaker 1: they are the smallest part of my life. I want 301 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 1: to actually be living all the time. And this is 302 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,760 Speaker 1: hard for me again because I'm a seven and I 303 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: look forward to things, and I think there's something to 304 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,280 Speaker 1: be said that part of me really does like build 305 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,280 Speaker 1: up of an event more than the event itself, and 306 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 1: so I think that stretches that event out even longer. 307 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: And as I look forward to events that I'm waiting 308 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,480 Speaker 1: to get to, sometimes it takes me out of the 309 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,720 Speaker 1: present moment that I'm in and I miss out on 310 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:17,720 Speaker 1: those mundane experiences that actually can make life so much bigger. 311 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,680 Speaker 1: And this is that whole cliche thing of like it's 312 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,919 Speaker 1: the small stuff that makes the big stuff. It's the 313 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,959 Speaker 1: everyday life things going to our favorite restaurant down the street, 314 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 1: or playing our favorite card game, or watching a TV 315 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 1: show or getting a routine of making the same kind 316 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,760 Speaker 1: of dinner and perfecting it to the way we like 317 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 1: that those are the like parts of our life that 318 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 1: end up making the majority of our life. And so 319 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,480 Speaker 1: for me, I have decided that making fun in these 320 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,439 Speaker 1: little parts of my life is a non negotiable. Like 321 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,320 Speaker 1: I I want to look back on those nights when 322 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 1: I'm playing cards or doing a puzzle and remember that, 323 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,680 Speaker 1: like I enjoyed that, I wasn't just passing the time. 324 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:01,119 Speaker 1: And for those of you that might be thinking to yourself, 325 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: I didn't have a lot of big events this year, 326 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,360 Speaker 1: or I don't have a lot of stuff to look 327 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,239 Speaker 1: forward to, well, we're in charge of that, so we 328 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,400 Speaker 1: can actually make the big events those small events. It's 329 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 1: all about how we are thinking and how we're choosing 330 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: to view what life is in front of us right now. 331 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:21,000 Speaker 1: Number seven. Where you stare, you will steer. This is 332 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:23,879 Speaker 1: the idea that what you look for, you tend to find. 333 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,160 Speaker 1: And I think this kind of encouragement can be well, 334 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 1: really annoying to people sometimes because it feels too simple. 335 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 1: But that's kind of what I like about it. It 336 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,119 Speaker 1: is simple. It goes back to the filters that we 337 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: look at life through. We don't always get to pick 338 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,320 Speaker 1: our filters. That's true in life. Sometimes we create these 339 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,159 Speaker 1: filters out of our experiences, and in the beginning we 340 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: don't realize they exist, and so it doesn't feel like 341 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,199 Speaker 1: we pick them. But once we realize they exist, it 342 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,960 Speaker 1: opens up this really exciting space to have the opportunity 343 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 1: to change the filter if it isn't working for us. 344 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:02,879 Speaker 1: And yes, the filter might be hard to change, it 345 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: might take time and effort, but that doesn't mean it 346 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 1: can't be done. And I played soccer growing up, and 347 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 1: something that was so simple but took so much work 348 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:16,959 Speaker 1: for me personally, was remembering that where you point your 349 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 1: planted foot when you kick the ball is where the 350 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 1: ball is going to go. I just wanted to have 351 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 1: the ball go to wherever I wanted to go and 352 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 1: not have to worry about that part of my body. 353 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,879 Speaker 1: But ignoring the fact that what I wanted was just playing, 354 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: not how the game works, not how life worked, didn't 355 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 1: make my way actually work. Putting the effort to work 356 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,480 Speaker 1: on the skill is what worked. And this is kind 357 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,680 Speaker 1: of what I'm talking about. This is life. You want 358 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 1: to find something different, but you keep looking in the 359 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,200 Speaker 1: same place, in the same way, hoping that things will 360 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,840 Speaker 1: just align eventually. This is not how life works. Where 361 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,600 Speaker 1: you stare, you will steer, and you might need to 362 00:19:54,640 --> 00:20:04,960 Speaker 1: start learning how to stare somewhere else. Number eight, Pain 363 00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 1: is a motivator, and validating painful feelings and experiences does 364 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,919 Speaker 1: not mean you can't be hopeful and optimistic. There's a 365 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,399 Speaker 1: couple of things in this one that I want to 366 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,960 Speaker 1: point out. One. Pain can mean and do a lot 367 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,000 Speaker 1: of things. One of those things is it creates motivation. 368 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,240 Speaker 1: Comfort keeps us still, and that is fine. If you 369 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,480 Speaker 1: don't have plans or ideas or hopes to go anywhere, 370 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 1: that's totally fine. But pain is what a lot of 371 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:34,959 Speaker 1: times drives us to do something else. People will not 372 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:39,520 Speaker 1: change unless they feel some kind of discomfort like pain. 373 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,880 Speaker 1: We need our reason to do something different. So that's 374 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 1: one of those things. That's where you stare, you will steer. 375 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,440 Speaker 1: If we look at pain, is this big bad thing 376 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,080 Speaker 1: that's always just there to like ruin our lives and 377 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,040 Speaker 1: you're not going to do much with it. But if 378 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 1: you look at it and you're like, oh wait, that's 379 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,239 Speaker 1: something that can be helping me. It's a motivator. Just 380 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,679 Speaker 1: like pain motivates you to take your hand off of 381 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,120 Speaker 1: the hot stove, it might be motivating you to change 382 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:04,600 Speaker 1: some other behavior as well. The other thing that's important 383 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,200 Speaker 1: to acknowledge here is that while it is important to 384 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 1: validate feelings and validate painful experiences, it doesn't mean that's 385 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 1: where everything stops. Encouraging someone to do something else while 386 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 1: they're in pain is not invalidating somebody's feelings. And I 387 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,800 Speaker 1: don't know if I've talked about this on here before, 388 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:27,840 Speaker 1: but this year I talked with a client about how 389 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:32,399 Speaker 1: annoying all of the it's okay to not be okay 390 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,600 Speaker 1: quotes have become all over the internet because it started 391 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:39,439 Speaker 1: to feel like the validation of people's experiences, which is 392 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: the point of that quote, It's okay to not be okay, 393 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,119 Speaker 1: it's okay to acknowledge that you're in a tough spot. 394 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 1: It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to not 395 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,919 Speaker 1: have everything together. That's the point of that quote. But 396 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 1: eventually it started to feel like that was offering an 397 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:58,199 Speaker 1: excuse to stay the same, and what that quote needed 398 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:01,160 Speaker 1: was another line. And then a couple of weeks later, 399 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,879 Speaker 1: that client came in and brought me a frame he 400 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,760 Speaker 1: had made with a picture inside that said, it's okay 401 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,840 Speaker 1: to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay 402 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,560 Speaker 1: there forever. Okay. And I love that because I feel 403 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,440 Speaker 1: like a lot of people get really scared in these 404 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,680 Speaker 1: moments when there's people around them or within ourselves that hey, 405 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: saying let's do something about this means that I'm like 406 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,199 Speaker 1: in valuing the fact that stuff is hard. Things are 407 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,600 Speaker 1: allowed to be hard, and you're allowed to do things 408 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,919 Speaker 1: about those hard things. So it's okay to be okay, 409 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:37,159 Speaker 1: but it's not okay to stay there forever. Okay. Number nine, Okay, 410 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,840 Speaker 1: this has just become one of my favorite things to say, 411 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 1: and it is trying is cool. And I got this 412 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 1: quote from an Instagram post from Aaron Lane, who was 413 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 1: on the podcast I Think over the summer talking about 414 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:55,080 Speaker 1: her book Something Other Than a Mother. So then later 415 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:57,240 Speaker 1: I saw her post this and it was a little 416 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,400 Speaker 1: note and it said trying It's cool. And I love 417 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,800 Speaker 1: that because it is cool, Like trying is cool. That's 418 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:07,840 Speaker 1: the thing that actually is important to pay attention to, 419 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:12,800 Speaker 1: versus success and succeeding and failing. The thing that I 420 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 1: value in people is a lot of times not what 421 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:20,000 Speaker 1: they've accomplished, but the effort and the motivation and the 422 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,120 Speaker 1: aura of them, right, not the things that they have done, 423 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,080 Speaker 1: which goes back to the whole attention um is not 424 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,600 Speaker 1: the same thing as love and belonging. And this may 425 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,760 Speaker 1: made me also think of two other quotes I just 426 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,960 Speaker 1: want to share with you guys from two really cool people, 427 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,840 Speaker 1: one being Jay Z and one being Thomas Edison. And 428 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,359 Speaker 1: the first one is from jay Z from a Forbes 429 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:44,000 Speaker 1: interview where he was asked about something he had accomplished 430 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,240 Speaker 1: in him being a genius and all that, and he said, 431 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 1: the genius thing that we did is that we didn't 432 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:53,000 Speaker 1: give up. And that is so enlightening to me in 433 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,600 Speaker 1: a simple way, which if you've caught on from this 434 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 1: whole episode, I love things that are simple, because sometimes 435 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 1: we just make life a lot harder than it has 436 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,240 Speaker 1: to be. And life is hard enough on its own, 437 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,560 Speaker 1: we don't have to complute it even more. But again, 438 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 1: the genius thing that we did is that we didn't 439 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,919 Speaker 1: give up. It's not like I had this special sauce 440 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,320 Speaker 1: or I am just like the smartest person in the world, 441 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,679 Speaker 1: or I was given this gift that nobody else had. No. 442 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,600 Speaker 1: I just kept trying. That was what was revolutionary about 443 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,679 Speaker 1: what I did, and everybody listening right now has the 444 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,640 Speaker 1: ability to do that. Everybody listening has the ability to 445 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 1: not give up on things. And the other one from 446 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:31,199 Speaker 1: Thomas Edison is our greatest weakness lives in giving up. 447 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: The most certain way to succeed is always to try 448 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,440 Speaker 1: just one more time. And if you think about it, 449 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,879 Speaker 1: people succeed the last time they try, right, not the 450 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,600 Speaker 1: first time they give up or the first time they 451 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,240 Speaker 1: mess up. They succeed the last time they try. And 452 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,760 Speaker 1: if we looked at things through that lens, it would 453 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,560 Speaker 1: definitely change the way we see people out there who 454 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,719 Speaker 1: haven't gotten or even see ourselves. It would change how 455 00:24:55,760 --> 00:25:00,119 Speaker 1: we see ourselves and where we haven't gotten in life yet, 456 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:04,880 Speaker 1: whether that's relationally or work or personally, whatever it is 457 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:09,359 Speaker 1: that you are out there continuing to accomplish, if you 458 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:14,640 Speaker 1: looked at your ability to continue the path more than 459 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 1: you looked at the times where the path didn't go 460 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,000 Speaker 1: the way you want it to go, you might find 461 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,800 Speaker 1: more of that motivation that you need to keep going. 462 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,360 Speaker 1: And something else I want to say here is if 463 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:33,240 Speaker 1: you are hyper focused on the failures that you have had, 464 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:37,160 Speaker 1: if you are hyper focused on how people see you, 465 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,160 Speaker 1: because you haven't accomplished X, Y, and Z, I would 466 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,280 Speaker 1: encourage you to look at the relationships in your life, 467 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:48,760 Speaker 1: because again, the things that I find most special and 468 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:54,840 Speaker 1: revolutionary and beautiful, and the things that I find just 469 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,680 Speaker 1: that I like the most about the people around me 470 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,959 Speaker 1: is not the big accomplishments that they've had. It's not 471 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,520 Speaker 1: the checklists that they have, it's not the money they have, 472 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,720 Speaker 1: It's not that. It's how I feel when I'm around them. 473 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 1: And if I'm around people who are encouraging, if I'm 474 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 1: around people who aren't focused on uh, the end result 475 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,400 Speaker 1: or looking a certain way. Rather they're focused on experiencing 476 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,040 Speaker 1: life and believing in themselves and other people, That's what 477 00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,560 Speaker 1: I want to be around. That's what I like about people. 478 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 1: I'm not just attracted to somebody who's accomplished one great 479 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,920 Speaker 1: thing and tried one time. You know, all right, this 480 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,080 Speaker 1: takes us to the last one, and it is life 481 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,199 Speaker 1: is not and never will be fair. And I know 482 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,280 Speaker 1: this seems I don't know, actually you might not be 483 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:43,679 Speaker 1: thinking this, but I have a fear that you might 484 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,720 Speaker 1: be thinking this, that this is like cliche and it's 485 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,119 Speaker 1: kind of like rough and mean and something that some 486 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,800 Speaker 1: mean teacher told you back when you were in second 487 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,560 Speaker 1: grade rising something that like Miss trunch Bull would say 488 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:58,120 Speaker 1: in Matilda, like it's not a very lovely thing. At 489 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:00,680 Speaker 1: the same time, we can say it with love of kindness. 490 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,399 Speaker 1: Life is not and never will be fair. And that 491 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,439 Speaker 1: is just something that exists in the world that we 492 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 1: live in. And I wanted to end with this one 493 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,639 Speaker 1: because I think it actually lies at the center of 494 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,959 Speaker 1: a lot of our stuck places. And I don't want people, 495 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,679 Speaker 1: although we're going to do whatever we're gonna do, but 496 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: I don't want people to wait for life to be 497 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:22,159 Speaker 1: fair to start participating in a life that you want 498 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,560 Speaker 1: to be living. We want justice to show up before 499 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,000 Speaker 1: we take action. A lot of times, and actually a 500 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: lot of things we need action for justice to even 501 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,280 Speaker 1: show up. Life is not about what cards you're dealt. 502 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,000 Speaker 1: It's about what you do with those cards that you 503 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,320 Speaker 1: are dealt. We can't help what we get. We aren't 504 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,080 Speaker 1: in charge of all of that, we can't control all 505 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,880 Speaker 1: of that, And we can't get a redo, we can't 506 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,439 Speaker 1: get a reshuffle and get a new hand of cards. 507 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,520 Speaker 1: And I don't know about those who are listening to 508 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,919 Speaker 1: this right now or today, or whenever you're listening to this. 509 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:59,119 Speaker 1: But when I push this truth away, I get so resentful. 510 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: And you know who suffers the most I do when 511 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 1: I push this away. Other people around me aren't suffering. 512 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,679 Speaker 1: I'm creating suffering within myself. It's one of those moments 513 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,760 Speaker 1: where refusing to acknowledge reality turns my pain, which could 514 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,200 Speaker 1: be a motivator, into suffering. And if you've been paying attention, 515 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,439 Speaker 1: you might have thought to yourself, well, why don't you 516 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,159 Speaker 1: take that pain and use it as a motivator to 517 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,840 Speaker 1: use the cards that you have in a way that 518 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,240 Speaker 1: maybe you don't want to have to use, but it 519 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:28,520 Speaker 1: works better for you. And I want to close with 520 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,920 Speaker 1: something from the episode I did on self compassion, and 521 00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:35,359 Speaker 1: this is something that I learned from the teachings of 522 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: Kristin Neff, who is a huge, huge trailblazer in the 523 00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:43,440 Speaker 1: research of self compassion. And one of the elements of 524 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:47,600 Speaker 1: self compassion is self kindness versus self judgment. And in 525 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 1: that element she talks about and I'm going to just 526 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 1: quote something from her website, she says, people cannot always 527 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: be or get exactly what they want when this reality 528 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,760 Speaker 1: is denied or fought against. Suffering increases in the form 529 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 1: of stress, frustration, and self criticism. When this reality is 530 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:09,320 Speaker 1: accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equantimity is experienced. 531 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,000 Speaker 1: And I wanted to close with this because this is 532 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:16,800 Speaker 1: so important accepting the reality of life. When we accept 533 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: the reality, we don't have to ask questions like what 534 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,440 Speaker 1: is wrong with me? Because the reality is that what 535 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:25,480 Speaker 1: is wrong with you is the same thing that's wrong 536 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 1: with every single person. We are human right, life is 537 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 1: not fair and everybody is a part of that. We 538 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,120 Speaker 1: see a lot of the inconsistencies that have to do 539 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:36,760 Speaker 1: with us, but we don't see a lot of the 540 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,959 Speaker 1: inconsistencies that have to do with other people. And so 541 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:43,200 Speaker 1: when we accept that life is just not fair for everybody, 542 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,320 Speaker 1: but we're going to get a bigger, a more front 543 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,600 Speaker 1: row view and image and picture of the unfairness that 544 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,080 Speaker 1: we experience most of the time. If we acknowledge that, 545 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:56,000 Speaker 1: we then can move farther away from that and realize 546 00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:58,560 Speaker 1: that this isn't about us, This isn't about an attack 547 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 1: on the cards that I've been dealt. Is the fact 548 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:04,040 Speaker 1: that I need to focus more on the cards that 549 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:05,880 Speaker 1: I have been dealt and what I can do with 550 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,600 Speaker 1: them rather than the ones that I didn't get or 551 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:12,240 Speaker 1: the ones that other people got. So there you have it, 552 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,960 Speaker 1: the ten truths that have helped me get through the 553 00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:17,800 Speaker 1: year and make the most out of the year that 554 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,320 Speaker 1: I had. And I will say again one of my 555 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 1: favorite years, although I guess that's kind of unfair because 556 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:24,960 Speaker 1: a lot of the years of my life I don't 557 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: really remember much from and who who knows. Maybe if 558 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:29,560 Speaker 1: I had a full memory of when I was three, 559 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,600 Speaker 1: I would have said that year was better, but I don't, 560 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 1: So we're going to accept the reality of that and 561 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 1: say that this is one of my favorite years ever. 562 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,400 Speaker 1: So if you guys have any questions again, of course, 563 00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,200 Speaker 1: any questions, feedback, comments, you can send them to me 564 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:46,240 Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. If you 565 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 1: want to follow me on Instagram, you can also do 566 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: that at cat dot de fata or at You Need 567 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:58,120 Speaker 1: Therapy Podcast and sense that is My birthday week started yesterday. 568 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,960 Speaker 1: Even though my birthday is over, I thought about this 569 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 1: and I just am going to say in my head 570 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,360 Speaker 1: that everybody agrees with me. Because my birthday was on 571 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,120 Speaker 1: a Sunday. It feels like I get to birthday weeks. Right, 572 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,320 Speaker 1: So last week was my birthday because it was like 573 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:12,440 Speaker 1: leading up to my birthday, but it actually wasn't the 574 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:14,960 Speaker 1: week of my birthday because a week starts on Sunday, 575 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: and so this week is also my birthday week because 576 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,920 Speaker 1: my birthday was yesterday, Sunday, and it gets to carry 577 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,480 Speaker 1: through the rest of the week, which is really important 578 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:27,440 Speaker 1: for many reasons, but one being last week the Crumble flavors. 579 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,840 Speaker 1: For those of you who don't know, I'm obsessed with Crumble. 580 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: I haven't talked about it for a long time on 581 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:35,680 Speaker 1: the show, but last week the Crumble flavors We're not good. 582 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,280 Speaker 1: So I'm very much hoping as I'm recording this that 583 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,800 Speaker 1: Sunday night a new batch of much better flavors are 584 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 1: released so I can enjoy that during the second week 585 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:48,880 Speaker 1: of my birthday week. Anyway, since itce my birthday week again, 586 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 1: I would just like to ask you guys for a 587 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,520 Speaker 1: birthday gift, and that is for you guys. If you 588 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:57,600 Speaker 1: have not to rate and review the podcast, you can 589 00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 1: do that on Spotify and on Apple Podcast. On Apple 590 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:03,440 Speaker 1: Podcast you can score to the bottom. You can even 591 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 1: add a comment, a kind comment if you do have 592 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:10,000 Speaker 1: feedback that is more constructive. I would also really appreciate 593 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 1: that you can send that to my email and you can. 594 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,880 Speaker 1: Again that is Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. 595 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:19,320 Speaker 1: And I just asked that you say it in a 596 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: kind way so I can receive it in the best 597 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:24,480 Speaker 1: way as well, and I can actually use your feedback. 598 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:28,360 Speaker 1: So that does it, and stay tuned for couch Talks 599 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,600 Speaker 1: on Wednesday. Again, it's going to be a meaningful gift 600 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:33,200 Speaker 1: guide that I'm excited about. It's gonna be things that 601 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,200 Speaker 1: I have given and things that I have received that 602 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:39,040 Speaker 1: have been really special and important in my gift giving 603 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:42,720 Speaker 1: and receiving life. So I hope you have the day 604 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,200 Speaker 1: you need to have, the week you need to have, 605 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:46,960 Speaker 1: the birthday you need to have, the birthday, weeks you 606 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,280 Speaker 1: need to have, whatever it is, and I will talk 607 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:51,520 Speaker 1: to you on Wednesday for catch Talks