Speaker 1: If your wife, your baby mother, or your girl just
Speaker 1: had a baby and she need help, get her some help.
Speaker 1: I love that dead ass, you know, because why a
Speaker 1: bish be tied tied. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the
Speaker 1: ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: the life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead as is the term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass starts right now. It's gonna take me back
Speaker 1: to two thousand seventeen. I'm like you, digging in the crates.
Speaker 1: Two th seventeen. We have had a baby. Two thousand sixteen.
Speaker 1: Somebody lied to us and told us that if you
Speaker 1: are breastfeeding, then you're not ovulating. So you won't get
Speaker 1: pregnant again. Fast forward ten months, we had another baby, right,
Speaker 1: and Grandma always comes to stay with us when we
Speaker 1: have these babies, these newborns, And I will never forget
Speaker 1: the day. This is when I was still working at
Speaker 1: the gym, doing about twelve and fourteen hours in the gym. Um,
Speaker 1: it's two thousand seventeen, so at this point you had
Speaker 1: stopped doing as much makeup as you were doing before,
Speaker 1: so you were at home. But I remember laying in
Speaker 1: the bed and hearing Kat's go, that was it, Cass,
Speaker 1: and the door flew open. Boom, grab my bust in
Speaker 1: the room, Grab kats up, swallow cats up in that
Speaker 1: dagn't blanket, and whisk cats out of there, right, And
Speaker 1: I remember Kid was just like Dan. She didn't even
Speaker 1: let him cry. And I remember looking at you and saying,
Speaker 1: thank God, she ain't let him cry because niggas was tied.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Grandma. We miss you. Boom doom doom doom,
Speaker 1: boom doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom doom doom. Do
Speaker 1: we all have pain? We if we are, we know
Speaker 1: that there's always to leo me when you're not strong.
Speaker 1: And now be old friends. I'll help you, Cary. It
Speaker 1: won't be long. We won't be long till I'm gonna
Speaker 1: need somebody to lead on. Then cow your brother when
Speaker 1: you need That's how I went right. Yeah, the clap
Speaker 1: needs to be that people was the clap. It was
Speaker 1: the clap for me. Hit the double clap, me back.
Speaker 1: I wish I could see me, me the back, lean
Speaker 1: on me. You're gonna take a break, bad pace of
Speaker 1: bills will be right back. So yeah, those are some
Speaker 1: very very vital times for us, particularly having the back
Speaker 1: to back children during I think that's really what threw
Speaker 1: us for a loop. So any hands on deck, which
Speaker 1: is very different than like being a first time mom,
Speaker 1: because first time moms for the most part, I know,
Speaker 1: for me, I kind of felt like I got this,
Speaker 1: I can do this. My maternal instincts will kick in
Speaker 1: and I'll be all right, which is all fine and
Speaker 1: dandy until you get no sleep or that baby is
Speaker 1: not on the schedule, and then you're just all over
Speaker 1: the place. So we appreciated that help when Grandma was
Speaker 1: here because it was just another seasoned professional in the
Speaker 1: field of mothering that was able to really lend a
Speaker 1: hand when it was needed, and particularly focusing on you
Speaker 1: getting the rest that you needed because she was so
Speaker 1: adamant about you getting your rest, knowing like, okay, guys,
Speaker 1: that was the one person that's getting up leaving this
Speaker 1: house to go to work for twelve to sixteen hours
Speaker 1: a day, so he needs to get his rest. So
Speaker 1: let me pitch in how I can so shout out
Speaker 1: to Grandma because we're missing her this time around. Um,
Speaker 1: But mom and Dad are on deck two, and it's
Speaker 1: different now as well because we also have three children
Speaker 1: who were now in school, and it's like, all right,
Speaker 1: we need to, you know, get three children ready in
Speaker 1: the morning and out the door and then still be
Speaker 1: able to come here and talk to y'all. So there's
Speaker 1: a lot of different working parts that goes into this. So, UM,
Speaker 1: the reason for this conversation is because of a viral
Speaker 1: clip that we saw, I think it was on Instagram
Speaker 1: and a couple of different sources where people were shaming
Speaker 1: a mom for outsourcing help. So this is how the
Speaker 1: story goes. A mom has gone viral for explaining what
Speaker 1: it's like to hire a postpartum doula to help watch
Speaker 1: her newborn overnight. UM, and for some people who don't
Speaker 1: know what a doula ISA offers services to expecting family
Speaker 1: UM and it can be any point throughout the pregnancy,
Speaker 1: so throughout the pregnancy, during labor, and after, so there
Speaker 1: can be three phases of this doula service UM. SO
Speaker 1: the mom of two. Her name is Britney Bright of
Speaker 1: twenty eight of Arkansas, UH. She goes by It's Brittany Bryant.
Speaker 1: On TikTok posted a video last month blaming a typical
Speaker 1: night what it was like for her with a postpartum
Speaker 1: nighttime doula UM. She told Fox News that she decided
Speaker 1: to hire a doula for the birth of her second son, Maddox,
Speaker 1: after she had several challenges during her first pregnancy back
Speaker 1: in two thousand and sixteen UM, which included a fibroid
Speaker 1: tumor in her uterus, which is very prevalent in UM
Speaker 1: African American wom so. Bright said that doctors didn't take
Speaker 1: her concerns seriously, so she ended up going into labor
Speaker 1: early at thirty eight weeks through an emergency C section,
Speaker 1: and after her first son, Jackson UM, there was it's
Speaker 1: a good name UM traumatic labor and delivery that she
Speaker 1: had with him. Um. She also had postpartum depression and
Speaker 1: suffered from blackouts and hallucinations. So all this being said,
Speaker 1: she ended up finding Adula who offered postpartum services specifically,
Speaker 1: and she worked with her during her pregnancy until Maddox
Speaker 1: was born, UM until he was eleven weeks old. Actually,
Speaker 1: so during the postpartum phase, the dula spent two nights
Speaker 1: a week with Maddox for ten hours a night, and
Speaker 1: for those nights UM she had time to herself. So
Speaker 1: I remember seeing the video she kind of was like,
Speaker 1: here's my routine, you know. Um, I do bathtime and
Speaker 1: our little ritual at night with the baby. The whole
Speaker 1: routine gives him his bath, his bottle, bedtime story, whatever
Speaker 1: the case may be. And then the doula comes in
Speaker 1: at like seven or eight, and then she just hands
Speaker 1: off the baby and then homegirl was starting her bath.
Speaker 1: I think she had maybe a glass of wine if
Speaker 1: she was lucky, and she was able to go down
Speaker 1: to sleep or spend time with her husband or whatever,
Speaker 1: um at least until six am the next morning. So um,
Speaker 1: she was able to take care of things around the
Speaker 1: house as well to spend time with her partner. Her
Speaker 1: first and all of that. So, um, I want to
Speaker 1: know what's the problem, because everybody was chiming in about
Speaker 1: how dare she hires somebody to be in her house
Speaker 1: with her baby overnight? When you have a baby, shouldn't
Speaker 1: you expect that you're gonna be up with a baby overnight. Well,
Speaker 1: let's let's let's be clear about what social media is, right.
Speaker 1: We talk about this all the time. When you post
Speaker 1: something on social media, people are entitled to have their
Speaker 1: opinion about what you post, right, but let's be clear,
Speaker 1: the vast majority of people who comment on social people
Speaker 1: and social media are the people who do not exist
Speaker 1: in the same space as you. So a lot of
Speaker 1: the comments you saw were from people who don't have kids,
Speaker 1: and those are typically the loudest. The same way, if
Speaker 1: you're married and you you post something about being married,
Speaker 1: the single people often have the most to say because
Speaker 1: they're not married, right, the same way when single people
Speaker 1: post stuff would be the married people having the most
Speaker 1: to say about single thing. But you don't understand you
Speaker 1: don't live in that space. So that the first thing
Speaker 1: we're gonna do is is not discredit anyone's opinion, but
Speaker 1: just understand that it is what it is. It is
Speaker 1: an opinion based on someone who has no experience in
Speaker 1: that realm of space, right because I want to say,
Speaker 1: for the most part, there were a lot of women
Speaker 1: on there who I think our moms. You had to
Speaker 1: have been a mom who applauded her for taking her
Speaker 1: men to health, insanity, her family life, her relationship with
Speaker 1: her husband, relationship with her first son into account to
Speaker 1: feel like, you know what, those things are probably going
Speaker 1: to suffer because I'm not the best version of myself.
Speaker 1: If I don't get some sleep, be, have some time
Speaker 1: to myself, see just have a minute to just kind
Speaker 1: of regroup, Like a lot of that is something that's
Speaker 1: missing sometimes. And the mentality I think that a lot
Speaker 1: of women have trying to be this like mama, hear me,
Speaker 1: roar because I'm doing all the things that I can handle.
Speaker 1: It is sometimes to a detriment of your well being.
Speaker 1: Um So kudos to that mom for going ahead and
Speaker 1: finding some help and she was able to afford it
Speaker 1: as well too. I don't think this family's maybe going
Speaker 1: outside of their means. I think that was part of
Speaker 1: the issue too, is that when when they announced the
Speaker 1: price it was six thousand dollars. Right, of course, social
Speaker 1: media is gonna sensationalize. You don't get clicks. So one
Speaker 1: of the one of the posts I saw the memes
Speaker 1: just like mom spend six thousand dollars for for a night,
Speaker 1: do la? So people assume that as six thousand dollars
Speaker 1: for the night, when in actuality, the six thousand dollars
Speaker 1: was for the month, which was two times a week,
Speaker 1: which was eight sessions, which was eleven hours percession. So
Speaker 1: if you just break down the number, how much it's
Speaker 1: an hourly for the dolt. If you had a nurse
Speaker 1: that came to your house at a hundred dollars per hour, right,
Speaker 1: for eleven hours would be eleven hundred dollars, for eight
Speaker 1: nights would be eight hundred dollars. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So you pray you pay for what you want in
Speaker 1: the services that you need. She didn't charge her a
Speaker 1: hundred dollars an hour. She charged her less, so we
Speaker 1: can we can bring it down. Six thousand is about
Speaker 1: seventy eight thousand, so we can say she probably charged
Speaker 1: maybe seventy five an hour maybe and the services that
Speaker 1: she provided was for the full night, like the and
Speaker 1: that's twice a week too. But I think when I
Speaker 1: then it could be you know, mixed up in what
Speaker 1: we've seen based on what was posted. But I think
Speaker 1: I saw that it was six thousand for her three period.
Speaker 1: Might be if that was the case, that's even more
Speaker 1: of a deal. Like you want to come by two
Speaker 1: nights a week to come in and sleep with my baby? Sure,
Speaker 1: you know, And I'm at that point too. I'm assuming
Speaker 1: the family has developed a relationship absolutely, or you're comfortable
Speaker 1: with her being in your house and having your baby
Speaker 1: overnight while you get some good rest. But you're right
Speaker 1: about that. If you really break it down to, like
Speaker 1: the nickels and dimes of it, how much is this
Speaker 1: douler actually making out with you? And if and if
Speaker 1: you can afford six that prices are all relative. You know,
Speaker 1: people said Michael Jordan had a gambling problem because he
Speaker 1: would be seventy five dollars per hole of golf. Right,
Speaker 1: seventy five dollars to a man who's made close to
Speaker 1: a billion dollars. It's not that much money, so it's
Speaker 1: all relative. But you know, people are going to hear
Speaker 1: the number and then project what their expenses are onto
Speaker 1: that person and say, why would you spend all that
Speaker 1: money and not for nothing. It's two days out of
Speaker 1: the week. There's still five other days she spends with
Speaker 1: her baby. So you know, like you get to you
Speaker 1: go to work, you got to work five days a week,
Speaker 1: you get two days over. We can't give a mom
Speaker 1: two days off with a duela per week. Like, I
Speaker 1: just feel like Number one, we as people have to
Speaker 1: stop looking for validation from the rest of the world
Speaker 1: on what we choose to do with our life. It's
Speaker 1: our life, right. If I want to pay for a doula,
Speaker 1: I could pay for a doula if you want to
Speaker 1: post it. Understand that people are going to say their
Speaker 1: opinion about it, but understand that I don't need your
Speaker 1: validation order to do what's going to be best for
Speaker 1: me and gonna be up here with this baby. And
Speaker 1: that's just the bottom line period. Because we we never
Speaker 1: paid for a doula. But your grandmother lived with us,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Your mom lives with us.
Speaker 1: Absolutely back in the day when when people had babies,
Speaker 1: the village came around to support that mom. You can't
Speaker 1: help if you're a mom that lives in the state
Speaker 1: where your family is, and and we we know plenty
Speaker 1: of oh my gosh who have no Absolutely absolutely. I
Speaker 1: mean I will admit, prior to having multiple children, I
Speaker 1: had a friend that was outsourcing and she had a
Speaker 1: full time nanny that lived with her. And I was
Speaker 1: just like, man, isn't that a lot to like have
Speaker 1: someone in the house. And I was just thinking from
Speaker 1: the standpoint of like, wow, having to pay somebody because
Speaker 1: at that point, you know, I wasn't making that much money.
Speaker 1: But I was also thinking to the point like, oh my,
Speaker 1: like that's a lot to pretty much pay a person's
Speaker 1: salary to live with you full time. But then she
Speaker 1: had no other help, no other family in the area.
Speaker 1: This was somebody that she trusted and developed a relationship with.
Speaker 1: So it's like, who am I to judge if that's
Speaker 1: gonna make your life that much easier, that much better
Speaker 1: because you're able to then take a little bit of
Speaker 1: a break. I think moms need a break and dads
Speaker 1: need a break to. Y'all need a break to. There's
Speaker 1: time that the mom and dad can reconnect, you know,
Speaker 1: reconnect if one reconnecting after that baby. Um, but yeah,
Speaker 1: it's I did have a moment where I was just
Speaker 1: kind of like, man, that seems like a lot. Then
Speaker 1: we have another friend who has a night nurse for
Speaker 1: each of her children. She has too, and you know,
Speaker 1: one focuses on one child, one or the other. And
Speaker 1: I'm just like, girl, if you have the resources to
Speaker 1: do that, then by all means do that. And she's
Speaker 1: talked about how much better of her mother. She feels
Speaker 1: like it makes her just getting that night's rest, waking
Speaker 1: up in the morning refreshed so she can spend the
Speaker 1: entire day really pouring into her children. And I can
Speaker 1: appreciate that. I think that the biggest thing people don't
Speaker 1: realize what happens to moms. It's sleep deprivation. And if
Speaker 1: you if you look at any training for our armed forces,
Speaker 1: right the number one the most important thing for army
Speaker 1: resource of let that is learning how to work with
Speaker 1: sleep deprivation because it causes so many issues with the body,
Speaker 1: most physically, mentally, and emotionally. So if they trained soldiers
Speaker 1: to deal with sleep deprivation, imagine my mom, who's never
Speaker 1: trained how to deal with sleep deprivation, having to be
Speaker 1: up every two and a half hours, deal with a
Speaker 1: crying baby, and then if you have other children being
Speaker 1: emotionally stable to be a present mom throughout the day,
Speaker 1: If you can have a day or two where you
Speaker 1: just get a chance to get a full eight hours arrest,
Speaker 1: imagine how much more productive your week can be, you know,
Speaker 1: imagine how much more productive your relationship with your your
Speaker 1: spouse or your partner can be, and how much more
Speaker 1: productive you guys can be collectively to parent the rest
Speaker 1: of the home just by getting sleep. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, I think that that's not talked about enough.
Speaker 1: I can tell when you've got to the point where
Speaker 1: you're just tired, and oftentimes I tell you today, right today,
Speaker 1: look into my eyes, concealer this morning for me. You
Speaker 1: look all right, don't you? La? A little one the left,
Speaker 1: la a little monkey because I didn't put it on.
Speaker 1: She always this is what happens. Guys. I'd like you
Speaker 1: want me to help. You should be like, no, I
Speaker 1: don't even know how. Then the eyelash be over there
Speaker 1: just flickering at me. Just I'd be like, baby, you
Speaker 1: ca just today right now, just today, but um no,
Speaker 1: getting getting some sleep. I can tell, and I often
Speaker 1: tell you right like yo, give your mom the baby
Speaker 1: for the night, and we'll just know, like, yo, your
Speaker 1: mom's don't have the baby. You and I will go
Speaker 1: get something to eat, a seven seventh, go get some wine,
Speaker 1: you'll pump, do whatever you gotta do to get that out,
Speaker 1: and we'll sleep. We'll do other things too, but you'll
Speaker 1: sleep before eight hours and then you're good for a
Speaker 1: couple of days because at least you've got that for
Speaker 1: a couple of days. It's amazing. You're right, You're it's
Speaker 1: amazing how much a good eight ten hours sometimes sleep
Speaker 1: will get you going for a couple of days, just
Speaker 1: kind of like going a restart um it's necessary, and
Speaker 1: even just with your body healing and getting back to normal,
Speaker 1: like me starting a new workout routine and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: One of the prime things on my routine is trying
Speaker 1: to get six to eight hours of sleep at night.
Speaker 1: And I'm like where, where, how and how you know.
Speaker 1: But and then also there's a little bit of a
Speaker 1: guilt that kicks into because I'm like, man, like I
Speaker 1: do have this new baby, I do have the three children.
Speaker 1: My mom does help a lot with like getting the
Speaker 1: kids ready for school in the morning, taking them to school,
Speaker 1: so that way at least I if I'm up overnight
Speaker 1: with the baby or you and I not getting sound sleep,
Speaker 1: it's the broken sleep that then issue, Yeah, because an issue.
Speaker 1: So sometimes I have a little bit of you because
Speaker 1: I'm like, man like, I don't want to pass the
Speaker 1: baby off to her overnight knowing that she's been up
Speaker 1: to or will be. I can be guilty all you want,
Speaker 1: but you can feel guilty all you want. You know,
Speaker 1: we don't feel guilty me. Look, I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 1: I I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest. I feel
Speaker 1: as well to like, I get better sleep when I
Speaker 1: know you're rested, because it's just something in me. If
Speaker 1: you're gonna be up, I'm gonna be up. You know,
Speaker 1: Like we've had this discussion before. You were just like, oh,
Speaker 1: I can take the baby and sleep in another room
Speaker 1: because you're still nursing at night. I'm like, no. You know,
Speaker 1: back when we were playing, when I was still um
Speaker 1: training every morning for four hours and training kids and
Speaker 1: training people, and I needed to be up at at
Speaker 1: five o'clock because I had a client, That's when you
Speaker 1: would take the baby and go sleep because I had
Speaker 1: to get some sleep. But now we live in a
Speaker 1: space where I don't have to be up. I don't
Speaker 1: have a nine or five, I don't have trainings to
Speaker 1: five clients to five in the morning. I can be
Speaker 1: up with you. But even those days, three or four
Speaker 1: days of being up all night and only get in
Speaker 1: two or three hours rest weighs on me as a dad.
Speaker 1: You know, and I know that I find myself being
Speaker 1: extra emotional or sensitive or cranky, and I'm like, what
Speaker 1: is happening? Like why snappy? And it happens, It doesn't.
Speaker 1: It just says something real simple to you, and you
Speaker 1: just like, off with her, Welcome to my world. Off
Speaker 1: with her head, Welcome to my world. You get to
Speaker 1: have those moments every month, and I'm supposed to just
Speaker 1: let it. I'm supposed to let it flow. I know
Speaker 1: how to manage it by now. It's not so you.
Speaker 1: You you think you manage it well. I think I do.
Speaker 1: I think I have it pretty under control right now.
Speaker 1: I know you haven't had a period in almost a
Speaker 1: year most year, so you wouldn't even know if you
Speaker 1: haven't managed it. This is what I You sound like
Speaker 1: you got some PTSD or something different. Universe. Relax, What
Speaker 1: do I always say about that, and you love it.
Speaker 1: In this universe, bro, you'll be here. So let this
Speaker 1: be another examples. Let this be another and he loves
Speaker 1: it here y'all. Me showing empathy to my wife and
Speaker 1: her having no empathy for me at all, none, no
Speaker 1: accountability for her emotional spasms that happen. Sometimes they happen,
Speaker 1: they happen. I will say they do happen. I'm messing
Speaker 1: with you. But and my point is it that they
Speaker 1: happen to both of us because a lot of times it's, oh,
Speaker 1: we need to get this mom help because the mom
Speaker 1: be going crazy. Nah, dad's been going crazy too. My
Speaker 1: boys who have young babies now for the first time
Speaker 1: a little bit, you know, because there's the debate about
Speaker 1: how much help is too much help or how much
Speaker 1: help is not enough help for y'all to check that out.
Speaker 1: So we had a conversation. Um, I don't know if
Speaker 1: they want to talk about it, but a young couple
Speaker 1: and the father they don't have children yet, and the
Speaker 1: father said, when we have a baby, we should be
Speaker 1: able to handle all of the things. Oh yes, And
Speaker 1: I bro. He pretty much was just like, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: need like a mom to live in or anything. We
Speaker 1: we got this, you know, me and her, we got
Speaker 1: this mean while she ain't had a child yet. And
Speaker 1: typically though typically though men who don't understand what goes
Speaker 1: into postpartum, I feel like they can help, right, So,
Speaker 1: and I was the same way. You know your your
Speaker 1: your ego gets the best of you. And I can
Speaker 1: take care of my wife. I can take care of
Speaker 1: my baby. Everything is good until it's time for everything
Speaker 1: to be good. And your wife, because of sleep deprivation,
Speaker 1: starts working with your mental health. Right. For example, one
Speaker 1: of my boys called me. I think I might have
Speaker 1: told the story another podcast, but he called me, like, yo, yo,
Speaker 1: all my friends, your wives, just if you're listening, he
Speaker 1: wasn't talking about you. Calls me, right, yo, it's a
Speaker 1: bit crazy. What's crazy? I'm like, what you mean? Like,
Speaker 1: what happened? What happened? He's like, Bro, I'm at work.
Speaker 1: I'm working overtime, double over time because she's not working
Speaker 1: because I want to make sure that she can go
Speaker 1: back when she's ready to go back. She's not ready
Speaker 1: to go back, So I'm working all these shifts to
Speaker 1: make sure everything's covered when i'm which I'm good with, right,
Speaker 1: But then I get the phone calls, and the phone
Speaker 1: calls are, oh, you staying at work again. I guess
Speaker 1: I'll just be here with the baby. Click. So like
Speaker 1: then she hang up on you too, bro, He's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but she's hanging up on me. So then I won't
Speaker 1: take an extra shift so that I could be home
Speaker 1: with her. Get home. Now that I'm home, everything I
Speaker 1: go to do with the baby is wrong, and she
Speaker 1: keeps telling me to stop touching the baby. So now
Speaker 1: I'm just sitting here and now she's looking at me like, oh,
Speaker 1: so he's gonna be here and just sit here. You're
Speaker 1: not gonna help. You might as well go back to work.
Speaker 1: So then he goes back to work. He's like, bro,
Speaker 1: I cannot win. And I was just like, when's the
Speaker 1: last time your wife has gotten rest? And he'd be
Speaker 1: like like like right now, you cannot blame her for
Speaker 1: her mental capacity right now, Like she's tired of ship
Speaker 1: right now and looking at you. It's not helping her
Speaker 1: because you put her in this situation exactly. And it's
Speaker 1: funny because it's it's it almost becomes a battle of Okay,
Speaker 1: whose life sucks more? You leave to go, you leave
Speaker 1: to go to work, so that means that you're getting
Speaker 1: time away from the baby. So it's like, oh, he
Speaker 1: should be good because out the house, he's out the house,
Speaker 1: mingling with adults, doesn't have breast silk shirts, you know,
Speaker 1: getting some some some time to interact with people, getting
Speaker 1: a break at work. And then he's seen is you're
Speaker 1: at home. You don't have to leave the house. All
Speaker 1: you gotta do is watch the baby. Hold you gotta do.
Speaker 1: Hold on. In her sleep deprived mind, when he leaves,
Speaker 1: there's a bunch of women who never had babies before
Speaker 1: cheering him. When they're all cheering him and giving him
Speaker 1: all of this attention, right, and then when he gets
Speaker 1: when he gets to work, in her sleep deprived mind,
Speaker 1: he's at work with his feet up with all of
Speaker 1: these women who have never had babies, just fanning him
Speaker 1: and just helping him with his day. This is what's
Speaker 1: happening in her sleep deprived mind. Right in his sleep
Speaker 1: deprived mind, he's at work, just beating beating a hammer
Speaker 1: on a rock and nothing ever happens to the rock,
Speaker 1: and sparks is flying out. And in his sleep deprived
Speaker 1: minds at home sleep and she's getting them as side. So,
Speaker 1: so both of them, in their sleep deprived mind have
Speaker 1: this perception of the other and they feel like they
Speaker 1: are working harder than the other than when they get together,
Speaker 1: all of those projections start to come out. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And that's what having outsourced help can
Speaker 1: give you a break from that feeling as if the
Speaker 1: other person is doing nothing and you're doing everything, because
Speaker 1: we've both been there, absolutely, We've definitely both been there,
Speaker 1: and you're just ready to distrangle each other because then
Speaker 1: it just becomes a resentment thing, like well, who did
Speaker 1: this baby? Anyway? Why are we here? You know? Um?
Speaker 1: So I can totally empathize with that, but like, do
Speaker 1: you think there's a point where too much help is
Speaker 1: too much help? Like, how do we gauge how much
Speaker 1: is too much help when it comes to outsourcing? Um,
Speaker 1: when your kids are calling me by your first name
Speaker 1: at that point, Yeah, call me Devo. I gotta get
Speaker 1: my as home. Right, let's just see a right. You
Speaker 1: told me a story one time about when you worked
Speaker 1: at Polly Prepp. There was a kid that had like
Speaker 1: a closer relationship with this driver. Then like so different.
Speaker 1: Polly Prepp is probably top one percent of the country.
Speaker 1: School was one of the most expensive provacs. They probably outsourced,
Speaker 1: so they outsourced everything. And um, one of the kids
Speaker 1: that I coached, he said that he spends more time
Speaker 1: with his driver than he does with his parents. Both
Speaker 1: his parents work and they both are very career oriented.
Speaker 1: So he was in eighth grade and he had he
Speaker 1: had his own apartment in the city, and his drivers
Speaker 1: should take him in school, pick them up, take them
Speaker 1: back to his apartment, and his parents defense, they probably
Speaker 1: were feeling like, Yo, we're gonna bust our asset. We're
Speaker 1: gonna work to provide this kind of lifestyle for our
Speaker 1: children and for our families. So they probably think they're
Speaker 1: doing the best that they can, which I think all
Speaker 1: parents do well. They're doing the best that they can
Speaker 1: in that moment, giving their resources. And I think that
Speaker 1: what we need to do is normalize UM not judging
Speaker 1: parents for the decisions they make with their children. Their
Speaker 1: children like you get one life. We're all out here
Speaker 1: trying to guess and when somebody and this is like
Speaker 1: this is so typical of what social media has created.
Speaker 1: When somebody doesn't do what you do the exact same way,
Speaker 1: or doesn't think the exact same way. The first thing
Speaker 1: we look to do was crucified, judge and shame them.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like I've I've never been
Speaker 1: a billionaire. How do I know how I would move
Speaker 1: if I had the responsibility of not only just being
Speaker 1: like filthy rich, but also pretty much being an economy
Speaker 1: for a bunch of other people. It's it's un entirely
Speaker 1: a different type of of scope of life. Like now,
Speaker 1: their families livelihoods rely on you. So you know, you think,
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe put let me put these hours
Speaker 1: into making sure the business works properly. Um, my home
Speaker 1: life may have to sacrifice a little bit of that,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to teach my son or daughter how
Speaker 1: to maneuver in the same way as they get older.
Speaker 1: The only way you can understand that lifestyle is if
Speaker 1: you live in that lifestyle. So my my whole purpose
Speaker 1: of telling that story was to just make let people
Speaker 1: think for a minute before we judge and shame people
Speaker 1: who don't move the same exact way we move. Let's
Speaker 1: try to sit back and think and see if we
Speaker 1: can find a level of understanding, not even agreement, Because
Speaker 1: you don't have this, you don't you also don't have
Speaker 1: degree like that, that's nothing we should normalize. I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't have to agree with your lifestyle in order
Speaker 1: to respect what you do. I can because if I agree,
Speaker 1: then I should live that way. No, I want to
Speaker 1: live my way, which is fine if I live my
Speaker 1: way and you live your way. But we have a
Speaker 1: mutual respect and understanding for each other. I think that
Speaker 1: that's what we have to start doing for all sorts
Speaker 1: of people, in all sorts of walks of lives, agree
Speaker 1: that wholeheartedly, wholeheartedly. And I think for me, um my
Speaker 1: perspective on this whole you know, um outsourcing help and
Speaker 1: stuff like that. I value the time that I have,
Speaker 1: quality time that I have with you and that I
Speaker 1: have with each of my boys. Right, and I had
Speaker 1: spoken on a previous podcast and probably recently talked about
Speaker 1: just even being able to spend time with each child individually.
Speaker 1: We have four sons, Like I want to be able
Speaker 1: to have individual time with each child, you know, at
Speaker 1: least maybe say once once every once in two you know,
Speaker 1: one time, or twice a month or something like that.
Speaker 1: So that being said, if I cannot spend a day
Speaker 1: and a half to two days cleaning the house, for example,
Speaker 1: and I can say, you know what, I have a
Speaker 1: family friend who told me of another friend who's looking
Speaker 1: for some work and she cleans houses. You know what,
Speaker 1: does she want to come over and help me clean
Speaker 1: this house today? So that way, I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: putting money the pocket of somebody who needs it, somebody
Speaker 1: who appreciates it, and we'll be able to help me out.
Speaker 1: So that way I can then say, you know what,
Speaker 1: instead of cleaning right now, I can take the time
Speaker 1: to sit down with Kaz and do some coloring, or
Speaker 1: I can take Jackson out for an hour or deval
Speaker 1: and I can actually sit down and just watch our
Speaker 1: favorite show, you know, two episodes or something while that
Speaker 1: is being done. Because there's just certain things that if
Speaker 1: I spent the time to do, there's just so much,
Speaker 1: so many other things that are going to suffer on
Speaker 1: the back end. So it's a matter of prioritizing, I think,
Speaker 1: what made what means the most to you in that moment,
Speaker 1: and finding the help if you need it, who's better
Speaker 1: equipped in that moment to do what. I always say
Speaker 1: that if it's not going to be me or you,
Speaker 1: it's finding somebody who then can well. This is I
Speaker 1: think this also goes to what we were debating about
Speaker 1: in the kitchen the other day, which is when you're
Speaker 1: outsourcing help, some people automatically put gender roles on people
Speaker 1: in their relationships and say, this is your responsibility, right,
Speaker 1: you had a baby, your mom, it's your responsibility to
Speaker 1: do this because you're a mom. Yeah, And we talked
Speaker 1: about how unfair that is, you know, because how roles
Speaker 1: have changed in society, because not all women want to
Speaker 1: be stayed at home moms, and not all women want
Speaker 1: to be want to be locked down to saying I
Speaker 1: have to do this because of my gender. You understand
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And then the other debate became about
Speaker 1: how much not so much help is help, but how
Speaker 1: much help cost if those resources could be dedicated towards
Speaker 1: something else. And I think that's where we have to
Speaker 1: give each other grace to say, you know what, six
Speaker 1: thousand dollars may not seem expensive to you, but to
Speaker 1: that single mom or to that couple who was just
Speaker 1: starting out, who was young, that six thousand dollars maybe
Speaker 1: better served doing something else or being invested somewhere else.
Speaker 1: So maybe they're concerned to why it will cost so
Speaker 1: much is valid? You know, Like, there's so many different
Speaker 1: variables in each situation that we have to consider that
Speaker 1: just giving a broad statement like a mom shouldn't have
Speaker 1: to outsource help, it's like false. You understand what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: because gender roles don't traditional gender roles don't really exist
Speaker 1: anymore in society. Everybody's financial situation is different, So making
Speaker 1: a broad statement for all the couples of all the
Speaker 1: people's doesn't work, you know. And I think that we
Speaker 1: have to learn that as people, like there is no
Speaker 1: one way that fits everybody. We have to be accepting
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. Um. I'm just proud of this mom for
Speaker 1: knowing that this is where she needed the help, and
Speaker 1: she was able to then find the help that she needed. Um. Again,
Speaker 1: like I said, I feel like a lot of us
Speaker 1: women are just feeling like, you know, we have the
Speaker 1: women hear me roar syndrome where we're just always wanted
Speaker 1: to do everything and be everything, and then we're burnt
Speaker 1: out and have nothing left at some points and then
Speaker 1: it becomes a breaking point. Um. And I'm just happy
Speaker 1: that more moms. I feel like our generation of moms
Speaker 1: too millennials are aware of that, and then since we're
Speaker 1: aware of it, we're now kind of taking the steps
Speaker 1: towards getting the help that we need in whatever area
Speaker 1: it is. So I'm happy for that. I'm also happy
Speaker 1: again for the village and for the tribe of women
Speaker 1: behind us. So the moms and the grandmas who do
Speaker 1: have the time, um, and they want to be there
Speaker 1: for those new families. Um, some people don't have that.
Speaker 1: So people who have their baby, their mom is she's
Speaker 1: living her best life or she's still working and she's like,
Speaker 1: that's not right responsibility. So that's also something to to
Speaker 1: discuss because I think we're reaching a point in human
Speaker 1: life where things are evolving and changing. Right, So if
Speaker 1: we think about our moms and our mom's moms, right, Um,
Speaker 1: the workforce wasn't filled with as many women as it
Speaker 1: is now. So back in the day, right even when women,
Speaker 1: um we're working part time or working, there was a
Speaker 1: village around them because people often lived in the same
Speaker 1: places they grew up. So when a woman had a baby,
Speaker 1: there was always help. There was. It was very rare.
Speaker 1: Even even when my mom was was having children, it
Speaker 1: was very rare where you didn't have a family member
Speaker 1: or grandmother's or so from church who kept the kids,
Speaker 1: or yeah, there was some lot always and outsourcing of help.
Speaker 1: I feel like our generation likes to just put labels
Speaker 1: on things then to then shame them, like it was
Speaker 1: never a prerequisite as a woman or a family to say,
Speaker 1: once you have this baby, it's only on you and
Speaker 1: the dad. No one else can come into house and out.
Speaker 1: It's just detriment to the child. That was never the case.
Speaker 1: Why is it the case now you understand what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: if we really sit back and think about it, why
Speaker 1: is it even a discussion that a mom gets help?
Speaker 1: Why why is that even that's true? It was pretty
Speaker 1: much all hands on day because like even the term
Speaker 1: do la you know, that's technically right, somebody who provides physical, emotional,
Speaker 1: and informational support to a woman and family during postpartum, right, Bima,
Speaker 1: that's grandma. Let's grandma exactly exactly, you know that was
Speaker 1: that was my my nana, Della, that was my nanny,
Speaker 1: Like that's all that. That's what they did back in
Speaker 1: the day. They rounded around. It's you. I think there
Speaker 1: was also it was far less shaming and more pride
Speaker 1: that was taken in the fact that you were able
Speaker 1: to lend that hand or pride that you can say
Speaker 1: my mom or my grandmother was there to assist like
Speaker 1: this last time that we had Dakota. You know, I
Speaker 1: felt particularly honored that I can call your mom and say, hey, Mom,
Speaker 1: this is the last of the Mohicans, last baby. I
Speaker 1: would love if you can come down and just be
Speaker 1: here aid to witness your grandson being born, and and
Speaker 1: be knowing that she was going to be able to
Speaker 1: just kind of fit in wherever she fit in, you know,
Speaker 1: having my mom in the room with me, to know
Speaker 1: that she was going to be there of support. Because
Speaker 1: sometimes when you're in the heat of that that pain,
Speaker 1: if you don't want your husband, you want your mama.
Speaker 1: Well let's call you your calling for your mom. So well,
Speaker 1: let's think about the changes though women are having children later.
Speaker 1: Back in the day women had children late teens, early twenties,
Speaker 1: your mom was still at that point. If they had
Speaker 1: you late teens, early twenty your mom or your grandma
Speaker 1: might be forty. Women are in these day and age.
Speaker 1: This day and age, women are having children thirties forties.
Speaker 1: Their mom may not be here to help right. And
Speaker 1: also women are working until later on, so big Mama
Speaker 1: may not be there to help them more because big
Speaker 1: Mama is not retired. Big mom is fifty five sixties,
Speaker 1: still working as well, So hiring help now it's no
Speaker 1: different than back in the day when women didn't work
Speaker 1: until their sixties, you know what I'm saying. And your
Speaker 1: mom wasn't sixty five. Maybe your mom was forty five
Speaker 1: or fifty and had the energy to run around with
Speaker 1: a grandchild. Because the world is changing, you know, dual
Speaker 1: incomes are needed in majority of households in America, which
Speaker 1: means women and men both have to work. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So the idea of bringing in a
Speaker 1: doula is probably a new thing because outsourcing someone outside
Speaker 1: of the family wasn't necessarily needed back in the day.
Speaker 1: You know what, I'm absolutely right about that, because if
Speaker 1: you can the help of a family members. I've been
Speaker 1: even thinking back to when my mounts, we're having my cousins.
Speaker 1: For example, sometimes it would be a matter of okay,
Speaker 1: grandma still working, Yes, so grandma can't be there necessarily.
Speaker 1: And my grandmother worked nights too, so she would try
Speaker 1: to help during the day, but you know, if you
Speaker 1: know sister so and so's niece coming up from Jamaica
Speaker 1: and she's looking for some job or looking for some work.
Speaker 1: You know, as they would say, she looked at work, right,
Speaker 1: So what you do is have her come up here
Speaker 1: is somebody who you trust in the family, so you
Speaker 1: bring her in here and then she's like your babysitting. Now,
Speaker 1: you know, my parents quote unquote outsourced help because both
Speaker 1: my parents work. I went to my Aunt Weezie's house.
Speaker 1: Shout out to Aunt Weezie. She lived on forty five
Speaker 1: Street and forced the Avenue in Brooklyn before moving to Queens.
Speaker 1: But she was the place we went to after school.
Speaker 1: She was a place we went to before school. She
Speaker 1: was she was our doula in a sense. From the
Speaker 1: time we were young, you know what I'm saying, there
Speaker 1: was always a family member. And then in the summertimes
Speaker 1: we got shipped to Tennessee to my grandmother who was retired.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. But that's outsourcing help. The
Speaker 1: different it says there was no social media, because if
Speaker 1: it was social media, and my mom in nineteen ninety
Speaker 1: went on TikTok and said that my kids are going
Speaker 1: to Tennessee for for eight weeks. She would have been
Speaker 1: shamed for sending her kids. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: The best memories that you had had amazing memories. But
Speaker 1: your brother and you were spending time with your grandparents,
Speaker 1: because that's literally all the stories you tell about your
Speaker 1: summer times. And then your parents, I'm sure had their
Speaker 1: time to be like, all right, we have you know,
Speaker 1: some time in the summer or evenings to ourselves is
Speaker 1: not new. It's not. And I'll tell you my father
Speaker 1: talked about how much he enjoyed it because he got
Speaker 1: his wife back. Let me tell you something. If there's
Speaker 1: one thing that you missed during the full pregnancy process,
Speaker 1: is that best friend that you you had, say you
Speaker 1: missed that because her body shane and she's tired, she's
Speaker 1: going through things emotionally, like you missed that. When you
Speaker 1: get a chance to have that back, you want to
Speaker 1: experience it. And there's a lot of nights where you
Speaker 1: know you're waiting for your wife. You're waiting for your wife.
Speaker 1: You know she put the child down, You do that,
Speaker 1: you do, the child's crying, and you put your wife down.
Speaker 1: Before you know it, it's four in the morning. That's us.
Speaker 1: That's us right now. The morning it's like dangn and
Speaker 1: we wanted to watch a show, we wanted to go
Speaker 1: get something to eat, like they just we can't get
Speaker 1: back to living our life because our focus and that's
Speaker 1: short lived. But it's like, why do you have to
Speaker 1: try to suffer through that for the four to five
Speaker 1: months when you can just get some help during that
Speaker 1: time or bring someone in out a little cushion to
Speaker 1: just this every time you feel like you're about to fall,
Speaker 1: because I don't know, I have the moments. Have the moments,
Speaker 1: so more or little story, do what you got to
Speaker 1: do for yourself, for your own mental health, your own sanity,
Speaker 1: and for the baby's sake as well too, because no,
Speaker 1: I don't say just a lot of times the baby,
Speaker 1: if anything, or the children will end up suffering. If
Speaker 1: you're snappy and you're short, they can feel that energy too.
Speaker 1: So and don't let social media talk you into thinking
Speaker 1: that something that is normal is not normal, because one
Speaker 1: thing I've also learned about social media's oftentimes social media
Speaker 1: is the loud minority, right, So the things that go
Speaker 1: viral typically are not the vast majority of what people
Speaker 1: think it's just the loudest people and they continue to
Speaker 1: share and share, and it gets caught up in the
Speaker 1: ecosystem and then you start to think, well, this must
Speaker 1: be normal. Social media is not real, guys. And yes,
Speaker 1: also remember the certain pages that do post these things
Speaker 1: and repost them with these like clickbait you know, titles.
Speaker 1: They're looking for a certain kind of reactions and response
Speaker 1: and I'll be giving it to them, you know. So
Speaker 1: TI is what it is. UM. But for those of
Speaker 1: you who are interested in like doula work, just so
Speaker 1: you know, like being a doula is actually a certified
Speaker 1: like lane, like it's an actual curriculum job profession for
Speaker 1: some people, UM very valued as well. So certified postpartum
Speaker 1: doula works UM towards filling the gaps between education, competence,
Speaker 1: family cohesion, and support. UM. They provide individualized care for
Speaker 1: the mother, baby, dad, and family as well UM utilizing
Speaker 1: eleven domains of post part of care that promotes healthy
Speaker 1: competence UM, more solid family relationships after the baby, and
Speaker 1: successful postpartum outcomes. UM. I'll just let you know really
Speaker 1: quick what these are in case someone's every interested in it,
Speaker 1: because I know my sister even being around for our
Speaker 1: birth was debating, and this is something she wanted to do.
Speaker 1: Or just for moms who are expecting, our planning to
Speaker 1: expect a baby, just knowing that this is a service
Speaker 1: that is available out there. So they deal with emotional support,
Speaker 1: physical comfort, UM self care, infant care, informational support, advocacy referrals,
Speaker 1: UM partner father support, support for the mother, father with
Speaker 1: the infant, so teaching them how to deal with a
Speaker 1: newborn baby, supporting the mother, father with additional siblings, and
Speaker 1: also household organizations. So you might have somebody in here
Speaker 1: helping you clean, do laundry, um, some light cooking. It's needed,
Speaker 1: it's needed. I don't think there would be the profession
Speaker 1: of Adula if somebody didn't have the foresight to say,
Speaker 1: this is something that women will need in this particular
Speaker 1: time in their life. So I think we should take
Speaker 1: a quick break. What do you think that's a quick break?
Speaker 1: Then we'll get back to listen letters. Sounds good, Let's
Speaker 1: get into some ads. All right, baby, we're back. We're
Speaker 1: listening to let us um, do you want to go first?
Speaker 1: You want me to go over? Go first? Thank you?
Speaker 1: All right? So I love the show in transparency. But
Speaker 1: I'm gonna jump right in because I need y'all's advice.
Speaker 1: All Right, we're diving in. My husband and I have
Speaker 1: been together for about five years and married for two
Speaker 1: of them. It was a hell of a rocky start,
Speaker 1: which is my reasoning for the two year engagement. Two
Speaker 1: months after the wedding, I found out I was pregnant.
Speaker 1: Fast forward now I'm twenty seven and he's thirty four.
Speaker 1: We have a very busy sixteen month old and I'm
Speaker 1: four months pregnant. I'm constantly nauseous and exhausted while working
Speaker 1: full time, pursuing my master's, full time cooking, cleaning, wife
Speaker 1: NG and mommy NG. I feel like I'm at my max. However,
Speaker 1: my husband doesn't appreciate me in the slightest. He has
Speaker 1: a high role in corporate and it is compensated. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't do bad salary rise, but I do definitely.
Speaker 1: I'm definitely not. I don't do as bad salary wise,
Speaker 1: but I definitely do not. Oh my god, I can't
Speaker 1: read today. I'm definitely not touching him, and he makes
Speaker 1: it a point to remind me. Sorry, y'all. Like I said,
Speaker 1: a sleep it might be my eyelash too. You can't see.
Speaker 1: He pays most of the household bills and says things
Speaker 1: like I wanted a partner, not a daughter, or my
Speaker 1: wife is a slacker yikes, amongst other things along those lines.
Speaker 1: When I bring up how his words affects me, he
Speaker 1: says that he was joking and that I'm too sensitive.
Speaker 1: I'm so confused and at a loss of what i
Speaker 1: could be doing better. I've been hormonal for the most
Speaker 1: of our marriage, so I'm just being who sensitive question
Speaker 1: mark Um. I have suggested counseling, but he's not interested. Um. Um.
Speaker 1: First and foremost, I don't know that. I don't know
Speaker 1: the dynamic of their relationship to tell whether or not
Speaker 1: she's being sensitive or not. If he's a joker and
Speaker 1: the same jokes he makes aren't following the same way
Speaker 1: because she's pregnant. I've been there before, yet son jokes
Speaker 1: the same jokes now when you're growing a human. I
Speaker 1: get it. I get it. The same joke you make
Speaker 1: when when you're not pregnant, you think it's funny. When
Speaker 1: you're pregnant, she don't be funny, so that it could
Speaker 1: be part of the fact that she's emotionally tired and
Speaker 1: still dealing with a young child um and and part
Speaker 1: of it could be that he is insensitive or doesn't
Speaker 1: understand what it means to go through that aspect of
Speaker 1: child growing and child ruling. She said they've been together
Speaker 1: five years, married for two of them, and it was
Speaker 1: off to a rocky start and all that good stuff,
Speaker 1: and then she got pregnant right away. So remember back
Speaker 1: we think of our first five years of marriage. We've
Speaker 1: spoken about our first five years of marriage and how
Speaker 1: that was just a very difficult time because very similarly,
Speaker 1: regardless of the fact that we've been together for years
Speaker 1: before that, now we're married. So the minute to get married,
Speaker 1: you're expecting things to be different in whatever this marital
Speaker 1: realm is. Then you we got pregnant right away on
Speaker 1: our honeymoon, had a whole baby within our first year
Speaker 1: of marriage, then dealt with postpartum and raising a child after.
Speaker 1: So that first five years for us was just a
Speaker 1: hot mess. They may still be in that realm of things,
Speaker 1: especially with the sixty month old and then being four
Speaker 1: months pregnant, Like that's like a back to back situation.
Speaker 1: So you're eventually going to have by the time you
Speaker 1: have this baby just about to wonder two um and UM,
Speaker 1: I understand. I understand what it feels like to feel
Speaker 1: like you're doing all the things and you're just not
Speaker 1: getting any kind of Well, I don't understand it because
Speaker 1: you do make me feel appreciated, but understanding how she
Speaker 1: may feel in this moment, because I do, I do.
Speaker 1: I'll agree with her even the eyelash jokes. Right, I said,
Speaker 1: your eye Josh is struggling. Right, If I just said
Speaker 1: that while he was pregnant, you probably start crying. You
Speaker 1: probably slammed the laptop down, throw the mic at me,
Speaker 1: and I'd be like, happening, right, And I'm like, what happened?
Speaker 1: And you're funny. You don't know what it's like to
Speaker 1: be pregnant, have dark nipples and your arms be swollen.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I said something about your lashes though,
Speaker 1: Like how we get over here? You nitpicking my eyelashes? Nigga,
Speaker 1: Like come on, But that's what that's my point. Like
Speaker 1: if if they're still learning each other and they don't know,
Speaker 1: because we still have conversations about which jokes effect is
Speaker 1: differently at which times we're talking about twenty years in
Speaker 1: five years. In a recent joke, devloped me that he
Speaker 1: thought I would have thought was funny. I was like,
Speaker 1: that's not funny, Like I thought you would be dead serious.
Speaker 1: So it happens, and and sometimes you have to learn
Speaker 1: continue to learn how to communicate in a marriage, even
Speaker 1: when you think you got it. And it may be
Speaker 1: something as simple as that, like he I'm wondering, does
Speaker 1: he pitch in now? All that okay? They have the
Speaker 1: eighteen months old, she's pregnant, I know. She said that
Speaker 1: he has a high roll and a corporate job. Does
Speaker 1: he feel like I am Mr Corporate? I work, so
Speaker 1: he doesn't do as much around the household to help
Speaker 1: pick up some of that slack, y'all might need to
Speaker 1: outsource at this point, probably pretty much. She says she's working.
Speaker 1: She's master's full time, working full time, then cooking, cleaning,
Speaker 1: and trying to be a wife and mom at the
Speaker 1: same time. Ai'll being pregnant and having a sixteen month old,
Speaker 1: Like that's a lot, you know, So I don't know
Speaker 1: how much he does. She said he pays most of
Speaker 1: the household bills, So I'm wondering. Is he a person
Speaker 1: that says, well, I work, I make the money, so
Speaker 1: therefore you keep the house under control. It also depends
Speaker 1: on choices, right, So for example, I remember when we
Speaker 1: were buying this house. One thing I said was he
Speaker 1: gonna buy If we're going to buy a house is big,
Speaker 1: who's gonna be responsible for cleaning it? And you were
Speaker 1: just like, don't worry, I'll handle it. Right at that point,
Speaker 1: don't ask me once we buy this big as house
Speaker 1: to come help clean something when you said you had it.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, like, these are conversations that
Speaker 1: people need to have. If you the outsource to get
Speaker 1: the house clean, fine, I don't got no problems with that,
Speaker 1: but you know what I'm saying, don't be like, here's
Speaker 1: a pot in there's four bathrooms I left clean, and
Speaker 1: I was like, wait a minute. If I knew I
Speaker 1: would have the clean bathroom, I would have brought this
Speaker 1: big that. Yep, that was definitely a discussion. Yea, because
Speaker 1: you're gonna get a house this size, what are you
Speaker 1: gonna do? And I said, well, I'll try to maintain,
Speaker 1: you know, on a day to day basis, and then
Speaker 1: probably once a month have a deep clean somebody coming
Speaker 1: and help me with that. And that's been working and
Speaker 1: we have money in the budget for that. That's something
Speaker 1: that was already discussed. So but that's what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: we don't understand the dynamic of their relationship as to
Speaker 1: why he may or may not be cleaning or why
Speaker 1: she may or may not be, you know, focusing. Like,
Speaker 1: for example, she said that she's she has a good career,
Speaker 1: she's going for her masters, she's going for this, right,
Speaker 1: what if in their relationship? He was just like, Hey,
Speaker 1: I got you. You don't gotta worry about that. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. If we're gonna do this marthe
Speaker 1: and let's get mad, let's have kids. I'm thirty four.
Speaker 1: I want to have kids when i'm younger so I
Speaker 1: can play with my kids. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: And she was just like, yeah, I still want to
Speaker 1: do that, but I also want to focus on my
Speaker 1: masters and these things. Right. So He's like, all right, cool.
Speaker 1: They may want different things at different points in their
Speaker 1: lives and have to learn how to balance, how to
Speaker 1: get both of them if they if there's not a synergy.
Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying because we also went through
Speaker 1: that in our relationship at one point where I thought
Speaker 1: that I wanted to stay at home wife, and you
Speaker 1: thought that you wanted to be a stay at home
Speaker 1: wife until you got that it was just like this
Speaker 1: ship is for the birds, and you wanted to work,
Speaker 1: and you want to go out there. Then there was
Speaker 1: a point where I was kind of conflicted because I
Speaker 1: was like, man, we got kids. I don't want my
Speaker 1: wife to have to work. You know, I want someone
Speaker 1: to be there. Because as much as I talk about
Speaker 1: how great I love going to Aunt Wheezie's house and
Speaker 1: how much I love going to Tennessee, there was also
Speaker 1: a part of me as a young man who felt,
Speaker 1: you know, like dang, like my other friend's parents picked
Speaker 1: him up from school. You know, they weren't responsible for
Speaker 1: walking their little brother to school at eight, picking him
Speaker 1: up from school at eight, coming home, and making making
Speaker 1: lunch for his little brother. Like I was eight. I
Speaker 1: wanted to be able to be eight. I didn't want
Speaker 1: to have to act like a little adult. Part of
Speaker 1: me wanted my wife to be that for my children.
Speaker 1: And you know, as you go through life, those ideas
Speaker 1: and what you want change, and unless you're willing to
Speaker 1: speak about that with your spouse, then you're never gonna
Speaker 1: get on the same page because that maybe something you
Speaker 1: want your Like I envisioned my children coming home to
Speaker 1: their mom who has first cookies every day, and I
Speaker 1: might have been like, well, hell to the no that
Speaker 1: Chick fil on the way home and that's gonna be dinner.
Speaker 1: Like you know, there's so many different variables. Um, but
Speaker 1: I think ultimately, um sis maybe trying to continue to
Speaker 1: have those conversations with him so you guys can have
Speaker 1: a little bit of a better understanding who can do
Speaker 1: what in what moment. You know. Um, I think that's
Speaker 1: probably the best way to go about it. So good
Speaker 1: luck to y'all. Number two, Hello, Codein and Deval. I
Speaker 1: want to start by saying I love the podcast. Thank you,
Speaker 1: we love you too. I haven't missed an episode since
Speaker 1: you started, so to jump into it, my husband and
Speaker 1: I have been married for two years, together for seven
Speaker 1: we have three whole Boys catch up, and I'm currently
Speaker 1: two weeks present. We have been going through verbatim version
Speaker 1: of what Devo discussed in the Superman episode, to the
Speaker 1: point that I thought we were living in the same house.
Speaker 1: We thought that we were living in the same house
Speaker 1: to be specific, my husband has been on the spiritual
Speaker 1: journey for the last year and a half. God blessed
Speaker 1: be on a spiritual journey too, brother, especially when Kay
Speaker 1: was pregnant. It has consumed him in some ways that
Speaker 1: I haven't seen before in our seven years. In June
Speaker 1: of this year, he expressed that he wanted to take
Speaker 1: a two month break. I agreed, I will cover all
Speaker 1: expenses for two months. When Augusts rolled around, he seemed
Speaker 1: unmotivated to get back out there. I can't relate with that.
Speaker 1: It has now been five months. I love my husband,
Speaker 1: but your girl's patience is wearing then, and the timing
Speaker 1: of it all could not be more terrible. With expecting
Speaker 1: our fourth and final dang, I thought that us finding
Speaker 1: out that we were expecting would get him going. I
Speaker 1: thought last Friday finding out our final baby would be
Speaker 1: a girl or would be sure to do the trick. Congrats, Yes, congrats,
Speaker 1: But I haven't seen that old flame light up yet.
Speaker 1: How do I get my Superman back on track? Can
Speaker 1: it be depression? I'm tired of being Superwoman? Wow, this
Speaker 1: is actually a very very good question. You want to
Speaker 1: know why we say this all the time? Right? I said,
Speaker 1: you know what, babe, you as a woman get to
Speaker 1: say you want to take a break. And if you
Speaker 1: say you want to take a break for mental health reasons,
Speaker 1: what happens people applaud you. Right, that's fine. She she
Speaker 1: recognized her breaking out and none this man saying he
Speaker 1: needs a break, and I guarantee a bunch of people
Speaker 1: gonna be like this, need to get his lazy ass off.
Speaker 1: This is why the the uh suicide rate amongst men
Speaker 1: in America. It's for the one to women. You want
Speaker 1: to know why, because men typically don't get breaks. Now, granted,
Speaker 1: we do not have to carry children, so we're not
Speaker 1: gonna sit here and try to equate a woman needing
Speaker 1: a break because of postpartum or something to what a
Speaker 1: man goes through. But him saying he needs a break
Speaker 1: and needs to chill and spiritually is showing that he
Speaker 1: has some exhaustion mentally. And I hope, and this is
Speaker 1: sad that I that I hope she finds a way
Speaker 1: to have grace for him while carrying a child, because
Speaker 1: you already know how I feel about that when it
Speaker 1: comes to my wife carrying children. This is just me speaking.
Speaker 1: She don't need to worry about nothing else. I tell
Speaker 1: everybody else, get out my wife way, leave her alone,
Speaker 1: Let her do what she wants, because she's carrying our child. Right.
Speaker 1: It would be tough for me as a man to
Speaker 1: say to my wife, you have to keep going to
Speaker 1: work and be a mom to all of our other
Speaker 1: children while I take a break while pregnant, Like, I
Speaker 1: don't understand that, But I'm not gonna shame him because
Speaker 1: I don't know what he's going through mentally, you see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. That's why I wanted to kind of
Speaker 1: give that explanation. Beware. Yeah, and I agree. And I
Speaker 1: think that she said they've been together for seven years
Speaker 1: area too, so, um, he might just need a mental
Speaker 1: break first for whatever the reason is. It may not
Speaker 1: even have anything to do with children or expecting another
Speaker 1: child or anything. Um, but I was gonna say something
Speaker 1: along the lines of stand by your man, like he
Speaker 1: just may need that in this moment, and it may
Speaker 1: require you having a little bit more conversation with him
Speaker 1: seeing how you can be of help in some circumstance.
Speaker 1: And I know it's hard when you're pregnant. Hopefully since
Speaker 1: you're twenty two weeks, you're at that second trimester where
Speaker 1: you've got everybody in your mojo back. You're not quite
Speaker 1: at the end yet, so that second trimester is kind
Speaker 1: of like that sweet spot where you kind of feel
Speaker 1: a little bit more normal. Um, you're still able to
Speaker 1: maneuver and physically you're not quite to the end, so
Speaker 1: you're still okay, UM, but just trying to have the
Speaker 1: conversations and lovingly, UM, you know, kind of encourage him
Speaker 1: to see what other help he may need. Um. It
Speaker 1: might be a little bit of depression. It might be
Speaker 1: for random reasons. Um. Depending on age and a certain ages,
Speaker 1: people feel like they have these little like there's the
Speaker 1: midlife crisis, or there's the quarter life crisis, or whatever
Speaker 1: may happen. So in points in their life, he may
Speaker 1: be going through the transition of sorts. They've been together
Speaker 1: seven years and they have three kids, which which means
Speaker 1: typically they've probably got together and then started having kids
Speaker 1: immediately they and and he was probably learning this woman
Speaker 1: through pregnancies, so you've learned a different version of this woman.
Speaker 1: Then you know what I'm saying, like that that could
Speaker 1: be exhausting for him to why he needed a break,
Speaker 1: And I'm putting out there first because of what I'm
Speaker 1: about to say next. Right with that being said, she's
Speaker 1: carrying your fourth child, right if this is my homeboy,
Speaker 1: not just you know what I'm saying, my someone a reader,
Speaker 1: because I'm always going to try to support emotion, my homeboy,
Speaker 1: but I would say, get the funk up, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, like like at some point where I understand,
Speaker 1: but if we're being honest and she's asking me for help,
Speaker 1: and that was my homeboy, because we have we have
Speaker 1: Google chats and in my group chats, dude, dude that, dude,
Speaker 1: now is not the time you can and and this
Speaker 1: is the sad part, right, we don't know what people
Speaker 1: are going through to tell someone that, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, now is not the time. But if we're
Speaker 1: looking at it right now, now, it is not the time.
Speaker 1: She's working. They already have three boys and she's pregnant.
Speaker 1: She's gonna need help in grace as well. And if
Speaker 1: y'all are a partnership, if you're there to be of service, yes,
Speaker 1: you can be of service to yourself, but you have
Speaker 1: to be of service to your wife at this point,
Speaker 1: Like like I'm not trying to be insensitive, to his
Speaker 1: mental health, not at all. And I'm definitely not conversations
Speaker 1: like that, but you friends, like I specifically remember you
Speaker 1: having one conversation with a friend who had had a
Speaker 1: baby recently and you were just like, Bro, now it's
Speaker 1: not the time for all that. No, it's not the
Speaker 1: time for all that. And if you want to take
Speaker 1: a break, I'm wondering there's somebody speaking of the topic
Speaker 1: of outsourcing. You need to be tagged out. There's somebody
Speaker 1: you can tag it in your absence to be like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know I need like Bro, I need this time,
Speaker 1: or like I need this time, or calling on auntie
Speaker 1: or sister or somebody to come in and just kind of,
Speaker 1: you know, fill in while you figure things out. Black
Speaker 1: people like to seek spiritual help. Sometimes you need professional help.
Speaker 1: Like if you're not feeling like yourself and you as
Speaker 1: a man can't get up to help your wife, you
Speaker 1: need to seek help to figure out how you can
Speaker 1: get up. What is this woman supposed to do in
Speaker 1: the final trimester when it's the break, just a break,
Speaker 1: like you're just not doing anything. She said five she says,
Speaker 1: he said two months, and then it's been two months,
Speaker 1: and then so so she's she covered all the expenses
Speaker 1: for two months. That's what I'm saying. So he asked
Speaker 1: for the break while she was pregnant, right, we don't
Speaker 1: know if he's planning to take this break while she's
Speaker 1: pregnant and then when the baby comes to but we
Speaker 1: don't know. She needs understanding of what that is. Like.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm not trying to be insensitive, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to to at least come in front and say that
Speaker 1: I understand that the suicide rate of man, I understand
Speaker 1: that sometimes it may not be fair. I don't want
Speaker 1: to seem like I'm coming down on man. We always
Speaker 1: speak about holding people accountable, but the fuck like like,
Speaker 1: it's a mom with three kids and pregnant and working
Speaker 1: and now you just decide that you wanna you want
Speaker 1: to just woo saw for five months. You asked this
Speaker 1: woman to marry you. There comes into a certain accountability
Speaker 1: with that. You know what I'm saying, And that's you
Speaker 1: know it's gonna sound sexist, but be a man, bro
Speaker 1: man up. Deal deal with it when it's appropriate. But
Speaker 1: you don't get to tap out on life or completely
Speaker 1: completely clock out right on life when you have children
Speaker 1: and a wife like you just don't get to do that.
Speaker 1: But I'm trust me, I'm giving grace. I'm not shaming him,
Speaker 1: but I'm just saying that that was my boy, and
Speaker 1: not for nothing that this is my boy. If this
Speaker 1: is all my boys and we've done this, we'll get
Speaker 1: together and be like yo, let's throw someone so a
Speaker 1: couple of grands each. Let's at least get the pressure
Speaker 1: off his wife. You know what I'm saying, Because we have,
Speaker 1: we've done a village of men like people have, but
Speaker 1: having a village of guys that could be like, yo, bro,
Speaker 1: I need to lean on yes with the group chat
Speaker 1: without without outing one of my friends. But him and
Speaker 1: his wife were going through a tough time and he
Speaker 1: didn't mention anything Superman complex. He's busting his ass working
Speaker 1: working another one of our friends. Like, yo, let's all
Speaker 1: just throw him two grand apiece. At least, let's say
Speaker 1: the hold his hold over, hold his wife over, and boom.
Speaker 1: We you know, four of us got together through him
Speaker 1: eight grand that's a that's like a lifesaver for a
Speaker 1: lot of people. You know what I'm saying. When now
Speaker 1: you at least have some cushion so you don't gotta
Speaker 1: stress and would helped them get through that moment, you know,
Speaker 1: helped them get through that moment. I go through that
Speaker 1: with my friends all the time. Man, some of my
Speaker 1: friends who who some of them don't even have families.
Speaker 1: They're just going through a tough time and you speak
Speaker 1: on it. Let me throw you a couple of grands
Speaker 1: is so that don't worry about paying these bills for
Speaker 1: thirty days. You know what I'm saying. Just focus on
Speaker 1: getting your mental health together. But at least you know
Speaker 1: these bills are covered. You know, men need that in
Speaker 1: the groups too, because men don't like asking other men
Speaker 1: for money. And what people need to realize too is
Speaker 1: sometimes okay to give and not be alone. I'm not
Speaker 1: giving you this money and then making it seem like,
Speaker 1: well I want my money back, yo. You know what
Speaker 1: kind of gift that is. If you've got a group
Speaker 1: of group chat, a group of guys in a group chat,
Speaker 1: and y'all share asks in sports stats all day, that's
Speaker 1: all y'all do. But then randomly, when your guys know
Speaker 1: that you're going through something, you can just get a
Speaker 1: check or a direct deposit or a zel and you
Speaker 1: got eight dollars and it's just like you know, nobody's
Speaker 1: looking for it back. That maybe the break you need
Speaker 1: tapping out on your family for five months. In my
Speaker 1: group chat, you're not getting that break. Nigga is just
Speaker 1: callingly you all sorts of names, and and you have
Speaker 1: it because dude, you asked you, You asked to get married,
Speaker 1: you asked her for kids that do you agree on
Speaker 1: the side did that? You did that? So hey, bro,
Speaker 1: let's let's help out our brothers too, and brothers if
Speaker 1: you'are listening, it's okay to have that in the group chats.
Speaker 1: I love that you asked sports and help and Bible
Speaker 1: versus the Bible versus in our group chats. That's I
Speaker 1: was talking about other group chats and motivational tips pause
Speaker 1: not tips, motivational speeches and videos. Let me let me,
Speaker 1: let me cut you off while you've ahead. If you'd
Speaker 1: like to be featured as one of our listening letters,
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at that as advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's the E A D. That's a
Speaker 1: D V I C E at gmail dot com. Oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, So moment of truth. If in your household,
Speaker 1: you or your spouse are neither equipped to do what
Speaker 1: needs to be done in that moment, and you have
Speaker 1: the resource is and the ability to outsource, freaking outsource,
Speaker 1: get the help that you need to make you a
Speaker 1: more productive person, a more productive person in general. And
Speaker 1: that's the mother and the father to be a better
Speaker 1: husband or a wife, to be a better person. Do
Speaker 1: what you have to do. Rely. If you can't rely
Speaker 1: on your village, and you need to actually hire somebody
Speaker 1: to pay them to do that job, do it because
Speaker 1: I promise you just that little bit of sanity. Getting
Speaker 1: the relief from sleep sleep deprivation is just leaps and bounds.
Speaker 1: It can just help. Just get the help that you need. Period.
Speaker 1: I agree with you, I agree with and I agree
Speaker 1: with you so much that I'm gonna take my moment
Speaker 1: of truth in a different direction. Let's normalize not shaming
Speaker 1: people for choosing to live differently than us in all
Speaker 1: aspects of our lives. That would be amazing, Like let's
Speaker 1: let's just and beyond be open to seeing someone else's
Speaker 1: lifestyle and just saying mm hmm, that's interesting, as opposed
Speaker 1: to nah, that shouldn't be done that way. While your
Speaker 1: life be fucked up. You understand what I'm saying, like,
Speaker 1: that's just realistically, that's really what I want to tell people.
Speaker 1: But I'd be trying to stay cordial on social media.
Speaker 1: But I'm tired of watching people with fucked up lives
Speaker 1: telling other people how to live their lives. Because all
Speaker 1: of us, in some facet of our life is sucked up,
Speaker 1: all of us, you know, and we're all figuring out.
Speaker 1: So none of us are qualified to tell somebody the
Speaker 1: perfect way to live their life. So let's normalize allowing
Speaker 1: people to share their experiences. Yes, normalizing and practice and
Speaker 1: practice on top practice, allowing people to exist in their
Speaker 1: space and just saying that's interesting. Let's start to be
Speaker 1: consumers of content. Let people have their moment and stop
Speaker 1: shaming people for being different facts. Put the energy into
Speaker 1: your own life. It's all right, And be sure to
Speaker 1: find us on social media, y'all at dead as the
Speaker 1: podcast and you know where to find me. I am
Speaker 1: and I am devouting. If you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, reviewed, and subscribe. Dead as dead
Speaker 1: Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network
Speaker 1: and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the podcast and never
Speaker 1: miss a thing