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Speaker 1: If your wife, your baby mother, or your girl just

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Speaker 1: had a baby and she need help, get her some help.

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Speaker 1: I love that dead ass, you know, because why a

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Speaker 1: bish be tied tied. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the

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Speaker 1: ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos

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Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a

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Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: the life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want

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Speaker 1: to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead as is the term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: Were about to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level.

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Speaker 1: Dead Ass starts right now. It's gonna take me back

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Speaker 1: to two thousand seventeen. I'm like you, digging in the crates.

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Speaker 1: Two th seventeen. We have had a baby. Two thousand sixteen.

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Speaker 1: Somebody lied to us and told us that if you

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Speaker 1: are breastfeeding, then you're not ovulating. So you won't get

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Speaker 1: pregnant again. Fast forward ten months, we had another baby, right,

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Speaker 1: and Grandma always comes to stay with us when we

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Speaker 1: have these babies, these newborns, And I will never forget

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Speaker 1: the day. This is when I was still working at

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Speaker 1: the gym, doing about twelve and fourteen hours in the gym. Um,

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Speaker 1: it's two thousand seventeen, so at this point you had

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Speaker 1: stopped doing as much makeup as you were doing before,

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Speaker 1: so you were at home. But I remember laying in

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Speaker 1: the bed and hearing Kat's go, that was it, Cass,

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Speaker 1: and the door flew open. Boom, grab my bust in

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Speaker 1: the room, Grab kats up, swallow cats up in that

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Speaker 1: dagn't blanket, and whisk cats out of there, right, And

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Speaker 1: I remember Kid was just like Dan. She didn't even

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Speaker 1: let him cry. And I remember looking at you and saying,

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Speaker 1: thank God, she ain't let him cry because niggas was tied.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, Grandma. We miss you. Boom doom doom doom,

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Speaker 1: boom doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom doom doom. Do

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Speaker 1: we all have pain? We if we are, we know

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Speaker 1: that there's always to leo me when you're not strong.

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Speaker 1: And now be old friends. I'll help you, Cary. It

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Speaker 1: won't be long. We won't be long till I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: need somebody to lead on. Then cow your brother when

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Speaker 1: you need That's how I went right. Yeah, the clap

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Speaker 1: needs to be that people was the clap. It was

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Speaker 1: the clap for me. Hit the double clap, me back.

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Speaker 1: I wish I could see me, me the back, lean

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Speaker 1: on me. You're gonna take a break, bad pace of

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Speaker 1: bills will be right back. So yeah, those are some

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Speaker 1: very very vital times for us, particularly having the back

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Speaker 1: to back children during I think that's really what threw

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Speaker 1: us for a loop. So any hands on deck, which

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Speaker 1: is very different than like being a first time mom,

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Speaker 1: because first time moms for the most part, I know,

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Speaker 1: for me, I kind of felt like I got this,

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Speaker 1: I can do this. My maternal instincts will kick in

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Speaker 1: and I'll be all right, which is all fine and

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Speaker 1: dandy until you get no sleep or that baby is

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Speaker 1: not on the schedule, and then you're just all over

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Speaker 1: the place. So we appreciated that help when Grandma was

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Speaker 1: here because it was just another seasoned professional in the

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Speaker 1: field of mothering that was able to really lend a

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Speaker 1: hand when it was needed, and particularly focusing on you

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Speaker 1: getting the rest that you needed because she was so

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Speaker 1: adamant about you getting your rest, knowing like, okay, guys,

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Speaker 1: that was the one person that's getting up leaving this

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Speaker 1: house to go to work for twelve to sixteen hours

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Speaker 1: a day, so he needs to get his rest. So

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Speaker 1: let me pitch in how I can so shout out

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Speaker 1: to Grandma because we're missing her this time around. Um,

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Speaker 1: But mom and Dad are on deck two, and it's

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Speaker 1: different now as well because we also have three children

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Speaker 1: who were now in school, and it's like, all right,

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Speaker 1: we need to, you know, get three children ready in

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Speaker 1: the morning and out the door and then still be

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Speaker 1: able to come here and talk to y'all. So there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of different working parts that goes into this. So, UM,

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Speaker 1: the reason for this conversation is because of a viral

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Speaker 1: clip that we saw, I think it was on Instagram

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Speaker 1: and a couple of different sources where people were shaming

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Speaker 1: a mom for outsourcing help. So this is how the

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Speaker 1: story goes. A mom has gone viral for explaining what

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Speaker 1: it's like to hire a postpartum doula to help watch

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Speaker 1: her newborn overnight. UM, and for some people who don't

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Speaker 1: know what a doula ISA offers services to expecting family

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Speaker 1: UM and it can be any point throughout the pregnancy,

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Speaker 1: so throughout the pregnancy, during labor, and after, so there

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Speaker 1: can be three phases of this doula service UM. SO

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Speaker 1: the mom of two. Her name is Britney Bright of

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Speaker 1: twenty eight of Arkansas, UH. She goes by It's Brittany Bryant.

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Speaker 1: On TikTok posted a video last month blaming a typical

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Speaker 1: night what it was like for her with a postpartum

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Speaker 1: nighttime doula UM. She told Fox News that she decided

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Speaker 1: to hire a doula for the birth of her second son, Maddox,

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Speaker 1: after she had several challenges during her first pregnancy back

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Speaker 1: in two thousand and sixteen UM, which included a fibroid

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Speaker 1: tumor in her uterus, which is very prevalent in UM

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Speaker 1: African American wom so. Bright said that doctors didn't take

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Speaker 1: her concerns seriously, so she ended up going into labor

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Speaker 1: early at thirty eight weeks through an emergency C section,

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Speaker 1: and after her first son, Jackson UM, there was it's

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Speaker 1: a good name UM traumatic labor and delivery that she

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Speaker 1: had with him. Um. She also had postpartum depression and

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Speaker 1: suffered from blackouts and hallucinations. So all this being said,

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Speaker 1: she ended up finding Adula who offered postpartum services specifically,

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Speaker 1: and she worked with her during her pregnancy until Maddox

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Speaker 1: was born, UM until he was eleven weeks old. Actually,

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Speaker 1: so during the postpartum phase, the dula spent two nights

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Speaker 1: a week with Maddox for ten hours a night, and

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Speaker 1: for those nights UM she had time to herself. So

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Speaker 1: I remember seeing the video she kind of was like,

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Speaker 1: here's my routine, you know. Um, I do bathtime and

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Speaker 1: our little ritual at night with the baby. The whole

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Speaker 1: routine gives him his bath, his bottle, bedtime story, whatever

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Speaker 1: the case may be. And then the doula comes in

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Speaker 1: at like seven or eight, and then she just hands

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Speaker 1: off the baby and then homegirl was starting her bath.

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Speaker 1: I think she had maybe a glass of wine if

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Speaker 1: she was lucky, and she was able to go down

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Speaker 1: to sleep or spend time with her husband or whatever,

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Speaker 1: um at least until six am the next morning. So um,

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Speaker 1: she was able to take care of things around the

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Speaker 1: house as well to spend time with her partner. Her

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Speaker 1: first and all of that. So, um, I want to

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Speaker 1: know what's the problem, because everybody was chiming in about

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Speaker 1: how dare she hires somebody to be in her house

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Speaker 1: with her baby overnight? When you have a baby, shouldn't

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Speaker 1: you expect that you're gonna be up with a baby overnight. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's let's let's be clear about what social media is, right.

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Speaker 1: We talk about this all the time. When you post

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Speaker 1: something on social media, people are entitled to have their

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Speaker 1: opinion about what you post, right, but let's be clear,

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Speaker 1: the vast majority of people who comment on social people

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Speaker 1: and social media are the people who do not exist

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Speaker 1: in the same space as you. So a lot of

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Speaker 1: the comments you saw were from people who don't have kids,

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Speaker 1: and those are typically the loudest. The same way, if

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Speaker 1: you're married and you you post something about being married,

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Speaker 1: the single people often have the most to say because

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Speaker 1: they're not married, right, the same way when single people

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Speaker 1: post stuff would be the married people having the most

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Speaker 1: to say about single thing. But you don't understand you

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Speaker 1: don't live in that space. So that the first thing

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Speaker 1: we're gonna do is is not discredit anyone's opinion, but

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Speaker 1: just understand that it is what it is. It is

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Speaker 1: an opinion based on someone who has no experience in

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Speaker 1: that realm of space, right because I want to say,

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Speaker 1: for the most part, there were a lot of women

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Speaker 1: on there who I think our moms. You had to

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Speaker 1: have been a mom who applauded her for taking her

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Speaker 1: men to health, insanity, her family life, her relationship with

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Speaker 1: her husband, relationship with her first son into account to

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Speaker 1: feel like, you know what, those things are probably going

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Speaker 1: to suffer because I'm not the best version of myself.

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Speaker 1: If I don't get some sleep, be, have some time

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Speaker 1: to myself, see just have a minute to just kind

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Speaker 1: of regroup, Like a lot of that is something that's

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Speaker 1: missing sometimes. And the mentality I think that a lot

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Speaker 1: of women have trying to be this like mama, hear me,

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Speaker 1: roar because I'm doing all the things that I can handle.

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Speaker 1: It is sometimes to a detriment of your well being.

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Speaker 1: Um So kudos to that mom for going ahead and

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Speaker 1: finding some help and she was able to afford it

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Speaker 1: as well too. I don't think this family's maybe going

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Speaker 1: outside of their means. I think that was part of

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Speaker 1: the issue too, is that when when they announced the

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Speaker 1: price it was six thousand dollars. Right, of course, social

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Speaker 1: media is gonna sensationalize. You don't get clicks. So one

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Speaker 1: of the one of the posts I saw the memes

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Speaker 1: just like mom spend six thousand dollars for for a night,

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Speaker 1: do la? So people assume that as six thousand dollars

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Speaker 1: for the night, when in actuality, the six thousand dollars

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Speaker 1: was for the month, which was two times a week,

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Speaker 1: which was eight sessions, which was eleven hours percession. So

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Speaker 1: if you just break down the number, how much it's

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Speaker 1: an hourly for the dolt. If you had a nurse

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Speaker 1: that came to your house at a hundred dollars per hour, right,

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Speaker 1: for eleven hours would be eleven hundred dollars, for eight

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Speaker 1: nights would be eight hundred dollars. You see what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: So you pray you pay for what you want in

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Speaker 1: the services that you need. She didn't charge her a

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Speaker 1: hundred dollars an hour. She charged her less, so we

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Speaker 1: can we can bring it down. Six thousand is about

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Speaker 1: seventy eight thousand, so we can say she probably charged

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Speaker 1: maybe seventy five an hour maybe and the services that

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Speaker 1: she provided was for the full night, like the and

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Speaker 1: that's twice a week too. But I think when I

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Speaker 1: then it could be you know, mixed up in what

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Speaker 1: we've seen based on what was posted. But I think

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Speaker 1: I saw that it was six thousand for her three period.

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Speaker 1: Might be if that was the case, that's even more

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Speaker 1: of a deal. Like you want to come by two

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Speaker 1: nights a week to come in and sleep with my baby? Sure,

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Speaker 1: you know, And I'm at that point too. I'm assuming

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Speaker 1: the family has developed a relationship absolutely, or you're comfortable

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Speaker 1: with her being in your house and having your baby

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Speaker 1: overnight while you get some good rest. But you're right

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Speaker 1: about that. If you really break it down to, like

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Speaker 1: the nickels and dimes of it, how much is this

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Speaker 1: douler actually making out with you? And if and if

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Speaker 1: you can afford six that prices are all relative. You know,

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Speaker 1: people said Michael Jordan had a gambling problem because he

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Speaker 1: would be seventy five dollars per hole of golf. Right,

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Speaker 1: seventy five dollars to a man who's made close to

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Speaker 1: a billion dollars. It's not that much money, so it's

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Speaker 1: all relative. But you know, people are going to hear

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Speaker 1: the number and then project what their expenses are onto

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Speaker 1: that person and say, why would you spend all that

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Speaker 1: money and not for nothing. It's two days out of

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Speaker 1: the week. There's still five other days she spends with

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Speaker 1: her baby. So you know, like you get to you

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Speaker 1: go to work, you got to work five days a week,

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Speaker 1: you get two days over. We can't give a mom

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Speaker 1: two days off with a duela per week. Like, I

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Speaker 1: just feel like Number one, we as people have to

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Speaker 1: stop looking for validation from the rest of the world

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Speaker 1: on what we choose to do with our life. It's

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Speaker 1: our life, right. If I want to pay for a doula,

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Speaker 1: I could pay for a doula if you want to

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Speaker 1: post it. Understand that people are going to say their

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Speaker 1: opinion about it, but understand that I don't need your

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Speaker 1: validation order to do what's going to be best for

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Speaker 1: me and gonna be up here with this baby. And

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Speaker 1: that's just the bottom line period. Because we we never

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Speaker 1: paid for a doula. But your grandmother lived with us,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Your mom lives with us.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely back in the day when when people had babies,

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Speaker 1: the village came around to support that mom. You can't

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Speaker 1: help if you're a mom that lives in the state

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Speaker 1: where your family is, and and we we know plenty

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Speaker 1: of oh my gosh who have no Absolutely absolutely. I

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Speaker 1: mean I will admit, prior to having multiple children, I

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Speaker 1: had a friend that was outsourcing and she had a

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Speaker 1: full time nanny that lived with her. And I was

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Speaker 1: just like, man, isn't that a lot to like have

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Speaker 1: someone in the house. And I was just thinking from

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Speaker 1: the standpoint of like, wow, having to pay somebody because

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Speaker 1: at that point, you know, I wasn't making that much money.

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Speaker 1: But I was also thinking to the point like, oh my,

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Speaker 1: like that's a lot to pretty much pay a person's

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Speaker 1: salary to live with you full time. But then she

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Speaker 1: had no other help, no other family in the area.

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Speaker 1: This was somebody that she trusted and developed a relationship with.

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Speaker 1: So it's like, who am I to judge if that's

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Speaker 1: gonna make your life that much easier, that much better

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Speaker 1: because you're able to then take a little bit of

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Speaker 1: a break. I think moms need a break and dads

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Speaker 1: need a break to. Y'all need a break to. There's

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Speaker 1: time that the mom and dad can reconnect, you know,

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Speaker 1: reconnect if one reconnecting after that baby. Um, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's I did have a moment where I was just

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Speaker 1: kind of like, man, that seems like a lot. Then

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Speaker 1: we have another friend who has a night nurse for

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Speaker 1: each of her children. She has too, and you know,

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Speaker 1: one focuses on one child, one or the other. And

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, girl, if you have the resources to

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Speaker 1: do that, then by all means do that. And she's

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Speaker 1: talked about how much better of her mother. She feels

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Speaker 1: like it makes her just getting that night's rest, waking

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Speaker 1: up in the morning refreshed so she can spend the

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Speaker 1: entire day really pouring into her children. And I can

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Speaker 1: appreciate that. I think that the biggest thing people don't

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Speaker 1: realize what happens to moms. It's sleep deprivation. And if

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Speaker 1: you if you look at any training for our armed forces,

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Speaker 1: right the number one the most important thing for army

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Speaker 1: resource of let that is learning how to work with

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Speaker 1: sleep deprivation because it causes so many issues with the body,

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Speaker 1: most physically, mentally, and emotionally. So if they trained soldiers

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Speaker 1: to deal with sleep deprivation, imagine my mom, who's never

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Speaker 1: trained how to deal with sleep deprivation, having to be

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Speaker 1: up every two and a half hours, deal with a

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Speaker 1: crying baby, and then if you have other children being

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Speaker 1: emotionally stable to be a present mom throughout the day,

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Speaker 1: If you can have a day or two where you

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Speaker 1: just get a chance to get a full eight hours arrest,

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Speaker 1: imagine how much more productive your week can be, you know,

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Speaker 1: imagine how much more productive your relationship with your your

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Speaker 1: spouse or your partner can be, and how much more

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Speaker 1: productive you guys can be collectively to parent the rest

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Speaker 1: of the home just by getting sleep. You know what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, I think that that's not talked about enough.

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Speaker 1: I can tell when you've got to the point where

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Speaker 1: you're just tired, and oftentimes I tell you today, right today,

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Speaker 1: look into my eyes, concealer this morning for me. You

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Speaker 1: look all right, don't you? La? A little one the left,

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Speaker 1: la a little monkey because I didn't put it on.

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Speaker 1: She always this is what happens. Guys. I'd like you

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Speaker 1: want me to help. You should be like, no, I

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Speaker 1: don't even know how. Then the eyelash be over there

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Speaker 1: just flickering at me. Just I'd be like, baby, you

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Speaker 1: ca just today right now, just today, but um no,

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Speaker 1: getting getting some sleep. I can tell, and I often

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Speaker 1: tell you right like yo, give your mom the baby

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Speaker 1: for the night, and we'll just know, like, yo, your

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Speaker 1: mom's don't have the baby. You and I will go

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Speaker 1: get something to eat, a seven seventh, go get some wine,

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Speaker 1: you'll pump, do whatever you gotta do to get that out,

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Speaker 1: and we'll sleep. We'll do other things too, but you'll

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Speaker 1: sleep before eight hours and then you're good for a

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Speaker 1: couple of days because at least you've got that for

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Speaker 1: a couple of days. It's amazing. You're right, You're it's

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Speaker 1: amazing how much a good eight ten hours sometimes sleep

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Speaker 1: will get you going for a couple of days, just

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Speaker 1: kind of like going a restart um it's necessary, and

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Speaker 1: even just with your body healing and getting back to normal,

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Speaker 1: like me starting a new workout routine and stuff like that.

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Speaker 1: One of the prime things on my routine is trying

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Speaker 1: to get six to eight hours of sleep at night.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like where, where, how and how you know.

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Speaker 1: But and then also there's a little bit of a

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Speaker 1: guilt that kicks into because I'm like, man, like I

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Speaker 1: do have this new baby, I do have the three children.

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Speaker 1: My mom does help a lot with like getting the

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Speaker 1: kids ready for school in the morning, taking them to school,

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Speaker 1: so that way at least I if I'm up overnight

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Speaker 1: with the baby or you and I not getting sound sleep,

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Speaker 1: it's the broken sleep that then issue, Yeah, because an issue.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes I have a little bit of you because

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Speaker 1: I'm like, man like, I don't want to pass the

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Speaker 1: baby off to her overnight knowing that she's been up

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Speaker 1: to or will be. I can be guilty all you want,

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Speaker 1: but you can feel guilty all you want. You know,

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Speaker 1: we don't feel guilty me. Look, I'm gonna be honest.

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Speaker 1: I I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest. I feel

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Speaker 1: as well to like, I get better sleep when I

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Speaker 1: know you're rested, because it's just something in me. If

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Speaker 1: you're gonna be up, I'm gonna be up. You know,

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Speaker 1: Like we've had this discussion before. You were just like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I can take the baby and sleep in another room

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Speaker 1: because you're still nursing at night. I'm like, no. You know,

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Speaker 1: back when we were playing, when I was still um

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Speaker 1: training every morning for four hours and training kids and

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Speaker 1: training people, and I needed to be up at at

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Speaker 1: five o'clock because I had a client, That's when you

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Speaker 1: would take the baby and go sleep because I had

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Speaker 1: to get some sleep. But now we live in a

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Speaker 1: space where I don't have to be up. I don't

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Speaker 1: have a nine or five, I don't have trainings to

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Speaker 1: five clients to five in the morning. I can be

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Speaker 1: up with you. But even those days, three or four

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Speaker 1: days of being up all night and only get in

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Speaker 1: two or three hours rest weighs on me as a dad.

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Speaker 1: You know, and I know that I find myself being

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Speaker 1: extra emotional or sensitive or cranky, and I'm like, what

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Speaker 1: is happening? Like why snappy? And it happens, It doesn't.

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00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,960
Speaker 1: It just says something real simple to you, and you

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Speaker 1: just like, off with her, Welcome to my world. Off

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Speaker 1: with her head, Welcome to my world. You get to

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Speaker 1: have those moments every month, and I'm supposed to just

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Speaker 1: let it. I'm supposed to let it flow. I know

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Speaker 1: how to manage it by now. It's not so you.

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Speaker 1: You you think you manage it well. I think I do.

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Speaker 1: I think I have it pretty under control right now.

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Speaker 1: I know you haven't had a period in almost a

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Speaker 1: year most year, so you wouldn't even know if you

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Speaker 1: haven't managed it. This is what I You sound like

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00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:51,040
Speaker 1: you got some PTSD or something different. Universe. Relax, What

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Speaker 1: do I always say about that, and you love it.

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Speaker 1: In this universe, bro, you'll be here. So let this

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Speaker 1: be another examples. Let this be another and he loves

360
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Speaker 1: it here y'all. Me showing empathy to my wife and

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Speaker 1: her having no empathy for me at all, none, no

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Speaker 1: accountability for her emotional spasms that happen. Sometimes they happen,

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Speaker 1: they happen. I will say they do happen. I'm messing

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Speaker 1: with you. But and my point is it that they

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Speaker 1: happen to both of us because a lot of times it's, oh,

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Speaker 1: we need to get this mom help because the mom

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Speaker 1: be going crazy. Nah, dad's been going crazy too. My

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Speaker 1: boys who have young babies now for the first time

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Speaker 1: a little bit, you know, because there's the debate about

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Speaker 1: how much help is too much help or how much

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Speaker 1: help is not enough help for y'all to check that out.

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Speaker 1: So we had a conversation. Um, I don't know if

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Speaker 1: they want to talk about it, but a young couple

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Speaker 1: and the father they don't have children yet, and the

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Speaker 1: father said, when we have a baby, we should be

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Speaker 1: able to handle all of the things. Oh yes, And

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Speaker 1: I bro. He pretty much was just like, I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: need like a mom to live in or anything. We

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00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,040
Speaker 1: we got this, you know, me and her, we got

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00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,520
Speaker 1: this mean while she ain't had a child yet. And

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Speaker 1: typically though typically though men who don't understand what goes

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Speaker 1: into postpartum, I feel like they can help, right, So,

383
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,640
Speaker 1: and I was the same way. You know your your

384
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,280
Speaker 1: your ego gets the best of you. And I can

385
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Speaker 1: take care of my wife. I can take care of

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Speaker 1: my baby. Everything is good until it's time for everything

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00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,600
Speaker 1: to be good. And your wife, because of sleep deprivation,

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00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,719
Speaker 1: starts working with your mental health. Right. For example, one

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Speaker 1: of my boys called me. I think I might have

390
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,520
Speaker 1: told the story another podcast, but he called me, like, yo, yo,

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Speaker 1: all my friends, your wives, just if you're listening, he

392
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:53,399
Speaker 1: wasn't talking about you. Calls me, right, yo, it's a

393
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Speaker 1: bit crazy. What's crazy? I'm like, what you mean? Like,

394
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,440
Speaker 1: what happened? What happened? He's like, Bro, I'm at work.

395
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:05,479
Speaker 1: I'm working overtime, double over time because she's not working

396
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Speaker 1: because I want to make sure that she can go

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Speaker 1: back when she's ready to go back. She's not ready

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Speaker 1: to go back, So I'm working all these shifts to

399
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,200
Speaker 1: make sure everything's covered when i'm which I'm good with, right,

400
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,399
Speaker 1: But then I get the phone calls, and the phone

401
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:22,400
Speaker 1: calls are, oh, you staying at work again. I guess

402
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,199
Speaker 1: I'll just be here with the baby. Click. So like

403
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,960
Speaker 1: then she hang up on you too, bro, He's like, yeah,

404
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,320
Speaker 1: but she's hanging up on me. So then I won't

405
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,920
Speaker 1: take an extra shift so that I could be home

406
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Speaker 1: with her. Get home. Now that I'm home, everything I

407
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,000
Speaker 1: go to do with the baby is wrong, and she

408
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,440
Speaker 1: keeps telling me to stop touching the baby. So now

409
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Speaker 1: I'm just sitting here and now she's looking at me like, oh,

410
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,520
Speaker 1: so he's gonna be here and just sit here. You're

411
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,800
Speaker 1: not gonna help. You might as well go back to work.

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Speaker 1: So then he goes back to work. He's like, bro,

413
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Speaker 1: I cannot win. And I was just like, when's the

414
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,119
Speaker 1: last time your wife has gotten rest? And he'd be

415
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Speaker 1: like like like right now, you cannot blame her for

416
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,160
Speaker 1: her mental capacity right now, Like she's tired of ship

417
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,520
Speaker 1: right now and looking at you. It's not helping her

418
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Speaker 1: because you put her in this situation exactly. And it's

419
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:19,080
Speaker 1: funny because it's it's it almost becomes a battle of Okay,

420
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,359
Speaker 1: whose life sucks more? You leave to go, you leave

421
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,520
Speaker 1: to go to work, so that means that you're getting

422
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Speaker 1: time away from the baby. So it's like, oh, he

423
00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:29,200
Speaker 1: should be good because out the house, he's out the house,

424
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Speaker 1: mingling with adults, doesn't have breast silk shirts, you know,

425
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,040
Speaker 1: getting some some some time to interact with people, getting

426
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,120
Speaker 1: a break at work. And then he's seen is you're

427
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 1: at home. You don't have to leave the house. All

428
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,000
Speaker 1: you gotta do is watch the baby. Hold you gotta do.

429
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:48,159
Speaker 1: Hold on. In her sleep deprived mind, when he leaves,

430
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,399
Speaker 1: there's a bunch of women who never had babies before

431
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:57,480
Speaker 1: cheering him. When they're all cheering him and giving him

432
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,320
Speaker 1: all of this attention, right, and then when he gets

433
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,119
Speaker 1: when he gets to work, in her sleep deprived mind,

434
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,560
Speaker 1: he's at work with his feet up with all of

435
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,200
Speaker 1: these women who have never had babies, just fanning him

436
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,240
Speaker 1: and just helping him with his day. This is what's

437
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,240
Speaker 1: happening in her sleep deprived mind. Right in his sleep

438
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 1: deprived mind, he's at work, just beating beating a hammer

439
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,120
Speaker 1: on a rock and nothing ever happens to the rock,

440
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,320
Speaker 1: and sparks is flying out. And in his sleep deprived

441
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:29,240
Speaker 1: minds at home sleep and she's getting them as side. So,

442
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,800
Speaker 1: so both of them, in their sleep deprived mind have

443
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,960
Speaker 1: this perception of the other and they feel like they

444
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 1: are working harder than the other than when they get together,

445
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 1: all of those projections start to come out. You see

446
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:45,480
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And that's what having outsourced help can

447
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 1: give you a break from that feeling as if the

448
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:52,440
Speaker 1: other person is doing nothing and you're doing everything, because

449
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,880
Speaker 1: we've both been there, absolutely, We've definitely both been there,

450
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,119
Speaker 1: and you're just ready to distrangle each other because then

451
00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:00,200
Speaker 1: it just becomes a resentment thing, like well, who did

452
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,879
Speaker 1: this baby? Anyway? Why are we here? You know? Um?

453
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,359
Speaker 1: So I can totally empathize with that, but like, do

454
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:08,679
Speaker 1: you think there's a point where too much help is

455
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,320
Speaker 1: too much help? Like, how do we gauge how much

456
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 1: is too much help when it comes to outsourcing? Um,

457
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,480
Speaker 1: when your kids are calling me by your first name

458
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:22,680
Speaker 1: at that point, Yeah, call me Devo. I gotta get

459
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:26,359
Speaker 1: my as home. Right, let's just see a right. You

460
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,120
Speaker 1: told me a story one time about when you worked

461
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,879
Speaker 1: at Polly Prepp. There was a kid that had like

462
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:34,200
Speaker 1: a closer relationship with this driver. Then like so different.

463
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:37,480
Speaker 1: Polly Prepp is probably top one percent of the country.

464
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,240
Speaker 1: School was one of the most expensive provacs. They probably outsourced,

465
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,600
Speaker 1: so they outsourced everything. And um, one of the kids

466
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,359
Speaker 1: that I coached, he said that he spends more time

467
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,280
Speaker 1: with his driver than he does with his parents. Both

468
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 1: his parents work and they both are very career oriented.

469
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,199
Speaker 1: So he was in eighth grade and he had he

470
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,280
Speaker 1: had his own apartment in the city, and his drivers

471
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: should take him in school, pick them up, take them

472
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,040
Speaker 1: back to his apartment, and his parents defense, they probably

473
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,879
Speaker 1: were feeling like, Yo, we're gonna bust our asset. We're

474
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:10,280
Speaker 1: gonna work to provide this kind of lifestyle for our

475
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:12,400
Speaker 1: children and for our families. So they probably think they're

476
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 1: doing the best that they can, which I think all

477
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,160
Speaker 1: parents do well. They're doing the best that they can

478
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,720
Speaker 1: in that moment, giving their resources. And I think that

479
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,560
Speaker 1: what we need to do is normalize UM not judging

480
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,360
Speaker 1: parents for the decisions they make with their children. Their

481
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 1: children like you get one life. We're all out here

482
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,680
Speaker 1: trying to guess and when somebody and this is like

483
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 1: this is so typical of what social media has created.

484
00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: When somebody doesn't do what you do the exact same way,

485
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,560
Speaker 1: or doesn't think the exact same way. The first thing

486
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,440
Speaker 1: we look to do was crucified, judge and shame them.

487
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,719
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like I've I've never been

488
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,040
Speaker 1: a billionaire. How do I know how I would move

489
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,080
Speaker 1: if I had the responsibility of not only just being

490
00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:54,080
Speaker 1: like filthy rich, but also pretty much being an economy

491
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:56,320
Speaker 1: for a bunch of other people. It's it's un entirely

492
00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:59,720
Speaker 1: a different type of of scope of life. Like now,

493
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 1: their families livelihoods rely on you. So you know, you think,

494
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,200
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe put let me put these hours

495
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 1: into making sure the business works properly. Um, my home

496
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,359
Speaker 1: life may have to sacrifice a little bit of that,

497
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 1: but I'm going to teach my son or daughter how

498
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:15,520
Speaker 1: to maneuver in the same way as they get older.

499
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 1: The only way you can understand that lifestyle is if

500
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 1: you live in that lifestyle. So my my whole purpose

501
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:23,480
Speaker 1: of telling that story was to just make let people

502
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 1: think for a minute before we judge and shame people

503
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 1: who don't move the same exact way we move. Let's

504
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 1: try to sit back and think and see if we

505
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,600
Speaker 1: can find a level of understanding, not even agreement, Because

506
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,159
Speaker 1: you don't have this, you don't you also don't have

507
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,240
Speaker 1: degree like that, that's nothing we should normalize. I don't.

508
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,880
Speaker 1: I don't have to agree with your lifestyle in order

509
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,240
Speaker 1: to respect what you do. I can because if I agree,

510
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:47,639
Speaker 1: then I should live that way. No, I want to

511
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,159
Speaker 1: live my way, which is fine if I live my

512
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,440
Speaker 1: way and you live your way. But we have a

513
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,080
Speaker 1: mutual respect and understanding for each other. I think that

514
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,760
Speaker 1: that's what we have to start doing for all sorts

515
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,359
Speaker 1: of people, in all sorts of walks of lives, agree

516
00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:04,159
Speaker 1: that wholeheartedly, wholeheartedly. And I think for me, um my

517
00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:08,359
Speaker 1: perspective on this whole you know, um outsourcing help and

518
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 1: stuff like that. I value the time that I have,

519
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,320
Speaker 1: quality time that I have with you and that I

520
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:18,760
Speaker 1: have with each of my boys. Right, and I had

521
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 1: spoken on a previous podcast and probably recently talked about

522
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 1: just even being able to spend time with each child individually.

523
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,879
Speaker 1: We have four sons, Like I want to be able

524
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,280
Speaker 1: to have individual time with each child, you know, at

525
00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:33,879
Speaker 1: least maybe say once once every once in two you know,

526
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 1: one time, or twice a month or something like that.

527
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:41,880
Speaker 1: So that being said, if I cannot spend a day

528
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,760
Speaker 1: and a half to two days cleaning the house, for example,

529
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,920
Speaker 1: and I can say, you know what, I have a

530
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 1: family friend who told me of another friend who's looking

531
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,439
Speaker 1: for some work and she cleans houses. You know what,

532
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:56,960
Speaker 1: does she want to come over and help me clean

533
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,360
Speaker 1: this house today? So that way, I feel like I'm

534
00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:03,159
Speaker 1: putting money the pocket of somebody who needs it, somebody

535
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 1: who appreciates it, and we'll be able to help me out.

536
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,119
Speaker 1: So that way I can then say, you know what,

537
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,880
Speaker 1: instead of cleaning right now, I can take the time

538
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,120
Speaker 1: to sit down with Kaz and do some coloring, or

539
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,720
Speaker 1: I can take Jackson out for an hour or deval

540
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,680
Speaker 1: and I can actually sit down and just watch our

541
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,919
Speaker 1: favorite show, you know, two episodes or something while that

542
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,160
Speaker 1: is being done. Because there's just certain things that if

543
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:26,360
Speaker 1: I spent the time to do, there's just so much,

544
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:28,399
Speaker 1: so many other things that are going to suffer on

545
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,320
Speaker 1: the back end. So it's a matter of prioritizing, I think,

546
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 1: what made what means the most to you in that moment,

547
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,080
Speaker 1: and finding the help if you need it, who's better

548
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:38,600
Speaker 1: equipped in that moment to do what. I always say

549
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:39,760
Speaker 1: that if it's not going to be me or you,

550
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 1: it's finding somebody who then can well. This is I

551
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,320
Speaker 1: think this also goes to what we were debating about

552
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 1: in the kitchen the other day, which is when you're

553
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:52,600
Speaker 1: outsourcing help, some people automatically put gender roles on people

554
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,120
Speaker 1: in their relationships and say, this is your responsibility, right,

555
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 1: you had a baby, your mom, it's your responsibility to

556
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,640
Speaker 1: do this because you're a mom. Yeah, And we talked

557
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 1: about how unfair that is, you know, because how roles

558
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 1: have changed in society, because not all women want to

559
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 1: be stayed at home moms, and not all women want

560
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:11,840
Speaker 1: to be want to be locked down to saying I

561
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,560
Speaker 1: have to do this because of my gender. You understand

562
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And then the other debate became about

563
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,840
Speaker 1: how much not so much help is help, but how

564
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:24,840
Speaker 1: much help cost if those resources could be dedicated towards

565
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 1: something else. And I think that's where we have to

566
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 1: give each other grace to say, you know what, six

567
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:34,520
Speaker 1: thousand dollars may not seem expensive to you, but to

568
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,160
Speaker 1: that single mom or to that couple who was just

569
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,920
Speaker 1: starting out, who was young, that six thousand dollars maybe

570
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 1: better served doing something else or being invested somewhere else.

571
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:46,760
Speaker 1: So maybe they're concerned to why it will cost so

572
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:49,680
Speaker 1: much is valid? You know, Like, there's so many different

573
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 1: variables in each situation that we have to consider that

574
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 1: just giving a broad statement like a mom shouldn't have

575
00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:01,120
Speaker 1: to outsource help, it's like false. You understand what I'm saying,

576
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,200
Speaker 1: because gender roles don't traditional gender roles don't really exist

577
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:10,600
Speaker 1: anymore in society. Everybody's financial situation is different, So making

578
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,880
Speaker 1: a broad statement for all the couples of all the

579
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 1: people's doesn't work, you know. And I think that we

580
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:17,959
Speaker 1: have to learn that as people, like there is no

581
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 1: one way that fits everybody. We have to be accepting

582
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. Um. I'm just proud of this mom for

583
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 1: knowing that this is where she needed the help, and

584
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,960
Speaker 1: she was able to then find the help that she needed. Um. Again,

585
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:33,520
Speaker 1: like I said, I feel like a lot of us

586
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,520
Speaker 1: women are just feeling like, you know, we have the

587
00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 1: women hear me roar syndrome where we're just always wanted

588
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 1: to do everything and be everything, and then we're burnt

589
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,160
Speaker 1: out and have nothing left at some points and then

590
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 1: it becomes a breaking point. Um. And I'm just happy

591
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:49,760
Speaker 1: that more moms. I feel like our generation of moms

592
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: too millennials are aware of that, and then since we're

593
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 1: aware of it, we're now kind of taking the steps

594
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 1: towards getting the help that we need in whatever area

595
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,640
Speaker 1: it is. So I'm happy for that. I'm also happy

596
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:04,680
Speaker 1: again for the village and for the tribe of women

597
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:07,280
Speaker 1: behind us. So the moms and the grandmas who do

598
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:10,440
Speaker 1: have the time, um, and they want to be there

599
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 1: for those new families. Um, some people don't have that.

600
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,040
Speaker 1: So people who have their baby, their mom is she's

601
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 1: living her best life or she's still working and she's like,

602
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:23,120
Speaker 1: that's not right responsibility. So that's also something to to

603
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:26,959
Speaker 1: discuss because I think we're reaching a point in human

604
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,200
Speaker 1: life where things are evolving and changing. Right, So if

605
00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:34,560
Speaker 1: we think about our moms and our mom's moms, right, Um,

606
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: the workforce wasn't filled with as many women as it

607
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:41,520
Speaker 1: is now. So back in the day, right even when women,

608
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:45,000
Speaker 1: um we're working part time or working, there was a

609
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,320
Speaker 1: village around them because people often lived in the same

610
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:50,160
Speaker 1: places they grew up. So when a woman had a baby,

611
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:53,920
Speaker 1: there was always help. There was. It was very rare.

612
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 1: Even even when my mom was was having children, it

613
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,960
Speaker 1: was very rare where you didn't have a family member

614
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:04,800
Speaker 1: or grandmother's or so from church who kept the kids,

615
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:08,880
Speaker 1: or yeah, there was some lot always and outsourcing of help.

616
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: I feel like our generation likes to just put labels

617
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,960
Speaker 1: on things then to then shame them, like it was

618
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,960
Speaker 1: never a prerequisite as a woman or a family to say,

619
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 1: once you have this baby, it's only on you and

620
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,040
Speaker 1: the dad. No one else can come into house and out.

621
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,200
Speaker 1: It's just detriment to the child. That was never the case.

622
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:29,959
Speaker 1: Why is it the case now you understand what I'm saying, Like,

623
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,880
Speaker 1: if we really sit back and think about it, why

624
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:36,640
Speaker 1: is it even a discussion that a mom gets help?

625
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,360
Speaker 1: Why why is that even that's true? It was pretty

626
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:41,120
Speaker 1: much all hands on day because like even the term

627
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: do la you know, that's technically right, somebody who provides physical, emotional,

628
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:50,280
Speaker 1: and informational support to a woman and family during postpartum, right, Bima,

629
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:53,320
Speaker 1: that's grandma. Let's grandma exactly exactly, you know that was

630
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:55,959
Speaker 1: that was my my nana, Della, that was my nanny,

631
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,800
Speaker 1: Like that's all that. That's what they did back in

632
00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:00,560
Speaker 1: the day. They rounded around. It's you. I think there

633
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 1: was also it was far less shaming and more pride

634
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:06,280
Speaker 1: that was taken in the fact that you were able

635
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,840
Speaker 1: to lend that hand or pride that you can say

636
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:11,360
Speaker 1: my mom or my grandmother was there to assist like

637
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,520
Speaker 1: this last time that we had Dakota. You know, I

638
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:18,320
Speaker 1: felt particularly honored that I can call your mom and say, hey, Mom,

639
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: this is the last of the Mohicans, last baby. I

640
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,000
Speaker 1: would love if you can come down and just be

641
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: here aid to witness your grandson being born, and and

642
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:27,959
Speaker 1: be knowing that she was going to be able to

643
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 1: just kind of fit in wherever she fit in, you know,

644
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:32,280
Speaker 1: having my mom in the room with me, to know

645
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 1: that she was going to be there of support. Because

646
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:35,920
Speaker 1: sometimes when you're in the heat of that that pain,

647
00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 1: if you don't want your husband, you want your mama.

648
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 1: Well let's call you your calling for your mom. So well,

649
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 1: let's think about the changes though women are having children later.

650
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 1: Back in the day women had children late teens, early twenties,

651
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:51,480
Speaker 1: your mom was still at that point. If they had

652
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 1: you late teens, early twenty your mom or your grandma

653
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 1: might be forty. Women are in these day and age.

654
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:03,680
Speaker 1: This day and age, women are having children thirties forties.

655
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:08,040
Speaker 1: Their mom may not be here to help right. And

656
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:12,680
Speaker 1: also women are working until later on, so big Mama

657
00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:14,359
Speaker 1: may not be there to help them more because big

658
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,520
Speaker 1: Mama is not retired. Big mom is fifty five sixties,

659
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:21,560
Speaker 1: still working as well, So hiring help now it's no

660
00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 1: different than back in the day when women didn't work

661
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 1: until their sixties, you know what I'm saying. And your

662
00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 1: mom wasn't sixty five. Maybe your mom was forty five

663
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,680
Speaker 1: or fifty and had the energy to run around with

664
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 1: a grandchild. Because the world is changing, you know, dual

665
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,480
Speaker 1: incomes are needed in majority of households in America, which

666
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:43,080
Speaker 1: means women and men both have to work. You see

667
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,279
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So the idea of bringing in a

668
00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:49,800
Speaker 1: doula is probably a new thing because outsourcing someone outside

669
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:53,680
Speaker 1: of the family wasn't necessarily needed back in the day.

670
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:55,640
Speaker 1: You know what, I'm absolutely right about that, because if

671
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,000
Speaker 1: you can the help of a family members. I've been

672
00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:01,360
Speaker 1: even thinking back to when my mounts, we're having my cousins.

673
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:04,640
Speaker 1: For example, sometimes it would be a matter of okay,

674
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:07,680
Speaker 1: grandma still working, Yes, so grandma can't be there necessarily.

675
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:10,319
Speaker 1: And my grandmother worked nights too, so she would try

676
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:12,560
Speaker 1: to help during the day, but you know, if you

677
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:15,600
Speaker 1: know sister so and so's niece coming up from Jamaica

678
00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:18,160
Speaker 1: and she's looking for some job or looking for some work.

679
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 1: You know, as they would say, she looked at work, right,

680
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:22,680
Speaker 1: So what you do is have her come up here

681
00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 1: is somebody who you trust in the family, so you

682
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 1: bring her in here and then she's like your babysitting. Now,

683
00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:32,600
Speaker 1: you know, my parents quote unquote outsourced help because both

684
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:34,960
Speaker 1: my parents work. I went to my Aunt Weezie's house.

685
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:36,880
Speaker 1: Shout out to Aunt Weezie. She lived on forty five

686
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 1: Street and forced the Avenue in Brooklyn before moving to Queens.

687
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:43,800
Speaker 1: But she was the place we went to after school.

688
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:46,400
Speaker 1: She was a place we went to before school. She

689
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 1: was she was our doula in a sense. From the

690
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:51,040
Speaker 1: time we were young, you know what I'm saying, there

691
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:52,920
Speaker 1: was always a family member. And then in the summertimes

692
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,360
Speaker 1: we got shipped to Tennessee to my grandmother who was retired.

693
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,600
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. But that's outsourcing help. The

694
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,279
Speaker 1: different it says there was no social media, because if

695
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:06,440
Speaker 1: it was social media, and my mom in nineteen ninety

696
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,319
Speaker 1: went on TikTok and said that my kids are going

697
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:12,160
Speaker 1: to Tennessee for for eight weeks. She would have been

698
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:15,319
Speaker 1: shamed for sending her kids. You know what I'm saying.

699
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:20,239
Speaker 1: The best memories that you had had amazing memories. But

700
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,520
Speaker 1: your brother and you were spending time with your grandparents,

701
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,480
Speaker 1: because that's literally all the stories you tell about your

702
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,160
Speaker 1: summer times. And then your parents, I'm sure had their

703
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,160
Speaker 1: time to be like, all right, we have you know,

704
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,640
Speaker 1: some time in the summer or evenings to ourselves is

705
00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,360
Speaker 1: not new. It's not. And I'll tell you my father

706
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,000
Speaker 1: talked about how much he enjoyed it because he got

707
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 1: his wife back. Let me tell you something. If there's

708
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: one thing that you missed during the full pregnancy process,

709
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,920
Speaker 1: is that best friend that you you had, say you

710
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,600
Speaker 1: missed that because her body shane and she's tired, she's

711
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,120
Speaker 1: going through things emotionally, like you missed that. When you

712
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:56,239
Speaker 1: get a chance to have that back, you want to

713
00:36:56,280 --> 00:37:00,080
Speaker 1: experience it. And there's a lot of nights where you

714
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 1: know you're waiting for your wife. You're waiting for your wife.

715
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:03,640
Speaker 1: You know she put the child down, You do that,

716
00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:05,839
Speaker 1: you do, the child's crying, and you put your wife down.

717
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:09,680
Speaker 1: Before you know it, it's four in the morning. That's us.

718
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: That's us right now. The morning it's like dangn and

719
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 1: we wanted to watch a show, we wanted to go

720
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:17,359
Speaker 1: get something to eat, like they just we can't get

721
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,799
Speaker 1: back to living our life because our focus and that's

722
00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,520
Speaker 1: short lived. But it's like, why do you have to

723
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: try to suffer through that for the four to five

724
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,200
Speaker 1: months when you can just get some help during that

725
00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:31,719
Speaker 1: time or bring someone in out a little cushion to

726
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:34,600
Speaker 1: just this every time you feel like you're about to fall,

727
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:38,440
Speaker 1: because I don't know, I have the moments. Have the moments,

728
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:40,640
Speaker 1: so more or little story, do what you got to

729
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,719
Speaker 1: do for yourself, for your own mental health, your own sanity,

730
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 1: and for the baby's sake as well too, because no,

731
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,360
Speaker 1: I don't say just a lot of times the baby,

732
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:51,920
Speaker 1: if anything, or the children will end up suffering. If

733
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:54,879
Speaker 1: you're snappy and you're short, they can feel that energy too.

734
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 1: So and don't let social media talk you into thinking

735
00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,680
Speaker 1: that something that is normal is not normal, because one

736
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,760
Speaker 1: thing I've also learned about social media's oftentimes social media

737
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:05,840
Speaker 1: is the loud minority, right, So the things that go

738
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:09,600
Speaker 1: viral typically are not the vast majority of what people

739
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:12,880
Speaker 1: think it's just the loudest people and they continue to

740
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:14,320
Speaker 1: share and share, and it gets caught up in the

741
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,479
Speaker 1: ecosystem and then you start to think, well, this must

742
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,080
Speaker 1: be normal. Social media is not real, guys. And yes,

743
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:22,200
Speaker 1: also remember the certain pages that do post these things

744
00:38:22,239 --> 00:38:25,240
Speaker 1: and repost them with these like clickbait you know, titles.

745
00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:29,080
Speaker 1: They're looking for a certain kind of reactions and response

746
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,120
Speaker 1: and I'll be giving it to them, you know. So

747
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:33,840
Speaker 1: TI is what it is. UM. But for those of

748
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:35,840
Speaker 1: you who are interested in like doula work, just so

749
00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:37,960
Speaker 1: you know, like being a doula is actually a certified

750
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:41,719
Speaker 1: like lane, like it's an actual curriculum job profession for

751
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 1: some people, UM very valued as well. So certified postpartum

752
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:50,040
Speaker 1: doula works UM towards filling the gaps between education, competence,

753
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:54,279
Speaker 1: family cohesion, and support. UM. They provide individualized care for

754
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 1: the mother, baby, dad, and family as well UM utilizing

755
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 1: eleven domains of post part of care that promotes healthy

756
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:07,120
Speaker 1: competence UM, more solid family relationships after the baby, and

757
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,319
Speaker 1: successful postpartum outcomes. UM. I'll just let you know really

758
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 1: quick what these are in case someone's every interested in it,

759
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,480
Speaker 1: because I know my sister even being around for our

760
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,000
Speaker 1: birth was debating, and this is something she wanted to do.

761
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,319
Speaker 1: Or just for moms who are expecting, our planning to

762
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:23,280
Speaker 1: expect a baby, just knowing that this is a service

763
00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:26,280
Speaker 1: that is available out there. So they deal with emotional support,

764
00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:32,640
Speaker 1: physical comfort, UM self care, infant care, informational support, advocacy referrals,

765
00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:36,759
Speaker 1: UM partner father support, support for the mother, father with

766
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:38,960
Speaker 1: the infant, so teaching them how to deal with a

767
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:43,000
Speaker 1: newborn baby, supporting the mother, father with additional siblings, and

768
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:46,319
Speaker 1: also household organizations. So you might have somebody in here

769
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:51,520
Speaker 1: helping you clean, do laundry, um, some light cooking. It's needed,

770
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,880
Speaker 1: it's needed. I don't think there would be the profession

771
00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:57,080
Speaker 1: of Adula if somebody didn't have the foresight to say,

772
00:39:57,080 --> 00:39:59,719
Speaker 1: this is something that women will need in this particular

773
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,719
Speaker 1: time in their life. So I think we should take

774
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:04,719
Speaker 1: a quick break. What do you think that's a quick break?

775
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 1: Then we'll get back to listen letters. Sounds good, Let's

776
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:21,920
Speaker 1: get into some ads. All right, baby, we're back. We're

777
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:25,279
Speaker 1: listening to let us um, do you want to go first?

778
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:28,399
Speaker 1: You want me to go over? Go first? Thank you?

779
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,920
Speaker 1: All right? So I love the show in transparency. But

780
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,320
Speaker 1: I'm gonna jump right in because I need y'all's advice.

781
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:35,560
Speaker 1: All Right, we're diving in. My husband and I have

782
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:37,719
Speaker 1: been together for about five years and married for two

783
00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 1: of them. It was a hell of a rocky start,

784
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:42,640
Speaker 1: which is my reasoning for the two year engagement. Two

785
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:44,680
Speaker 1: months after the wedding, I found out I was pregnant.

786
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:47,480
Speaker 1: Fast forward now I'm twenty seven and he's thirty four.

787
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:50,839
Speaker 1: We have a very busy sixteen month old and I'm

788
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:54,760
Speaker 1: four months pregnant. I'm constantly nauseous and exhausted while working

789
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:58,360
Speaker 1: full time, pursuing my master's, full time cooking, cleaning, wife

790
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:02,760
Speaker 1: NG and mommy NG. I feel like I'm at my max. However,

791
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:05,759
Speaker 1: my husband doesn't appreciate me in the slightest. He has

792
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:09,400
Speaker 1: a high role in corporate and it is compensated. Well,

793
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:14,560
Speaker 1: I don't do bad salary rise, but I do definitely.

794
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:18,600
Speaker 1: I'm definitely not. I don't do as bad salary wise,

795
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:21,399
Speaker 1: but I definitely do not. Oh my god, I can't

796
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 1: read today. I'm definitely not touching him, and he makes

797
00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:27,000
Speaker 1: it a point to remind me. Sorry, y'all. Like I said,

798
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:35,320
Speaker 1: a sleep it might be my eyelash too. You can't see.

799
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:38,600
Speaker 1: He pays most of the household bills and says things

800
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:41,440
Speaker 1: like I wanted a partner, not a daughter, or my

801
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 1: wife is a slacker yikes, amongst other things along those lines.

802
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:48,440
Speaker 1: When I bring up how his words affects me, he

803
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 1: says that he was joking and that I'm too sensitive.

804
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:55,120
Speaker 1: I'm so confused and at a loss of what i

805
00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:57,839
Speaker 1: could be doing better. I've been hormonal for the most

806
00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:01,360
Speaker 1: of our marriage, so I'm just being who sensitive question

807
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:08,520
Speaker 1: mark Um. I have suggested counseling, but he's not interested. Um. Um.

808
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 1: First and foremost, I don't know that. I don't know

809
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,239
Speaker 1: the dynamic of their relationship to tell whether or not

810
00:42:14,239 --> 00:42:17,160
Speaker 1: she's being sensitive or not. If he's a joker and

811
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 1: the same jokes he makes aren't following the same way

812
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:28,440
Speaker 1: because she's pregnant. I've been there before, yet son jokes

813
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:30,640
Speaker 1: the same jokes now when you're growing a human. I

814
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:32,520
Speaker 1: get it. I get it. The same joke you make

815
00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:35,319
Speaker 1: when when you're not pregnant, you think it's funny. When

816
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:38,160
Speaker 1: you're pregnant, she don't be funny, so that it could

817
00:42:38,239 --> 00:42:40,360
Speaker 1: be part of the fact that she's emotionally tired and

818
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:43,560
Speaker 1: still dealing with a young child um and and part

819
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:46,759
Speaker 1: of it could be that he is insensitive or doesn't

820
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:50,239
Speaker 1: understand what it means to go through that aspect of

821
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:55,280
Speaker 1: child growing and child ruling. She said they've been together

822
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:58,160
Speaker 1: five years, married for two of them, and it was

823
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,440
Speaker 1: off to a rocky start and all that good stuff,

824
00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:02,520
Speaker 1: and then she got pregnant right away. So remember back

825
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,239
Speaker 1: we think of our first five years of marriage. We've

826
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:07,439
Speaker 1: spoken about our first five years of marriage and how

827
00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:10,200
Speaker 1: that was just a very difficult time because very similarly,

828
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:12,520
Speaker 1: regardless of the fact that we've been together for years

829
00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,640
Speaker 1: before that, now we're married. So the minute to get married,

830
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 1: you're expecting things to be different in whatever this marital

831
00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:21,279
Speaker 1: realm is. Then you we got pregnant right away on

832
00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:24,160
Speaker 1: our honeymoon, had a whole baby within our first year

833
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:27,479
Speaker 1: of marriage, then dealt with postpartum and raising a child after.

834
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 1: So that first five years for us was just a

835
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:33,040
Speaker 1: hot mess. They may still be in that realm of things,

836
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 1: especially with the sixty month old and then being four

837
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:39,440
Speaker 1: months pregnant, Like that's like a back to back situation.

838
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,640
Speaker 1: So you're eventually going to have by the time you

839
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:46,680
Speaker 1: have this baby just about to wonder two um and UM,

840
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:49,120
Speaker 1: I understand. I understand what it feels like to feel

841
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 1: like you're doing all the things and you're just not

842
00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:53,600
Speaker 1: getting any kind of Well, I don't understand it because

843
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:56,319
Speaker 1: you do make me feel appreciated, but understanding how she

844
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:58,839
Speaker 1: may feel in this moment, because I do, I do.

845
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:02,200
Speaker 1: I'll agree with her even the eyelash jokes. Right, I said,

846
00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:04,680
Speaker 1: your eye Josh is struggling. Right, If I just said

847
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:06,400
Speaker 1: that while he was pregnant, you probably start crying. You

848
00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:08,840
Speaker 1: probably slammed the laptop down, throw the mic at me,

849
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:12,160
Speaker 1: and I'd be like, happening, right, And I'm like, what happened?

850
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,799
Speaker 1: And you're funny. You don't know what it's like to

851
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: be pregnant, have dark nipples and your arms be swollen.

852
00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:20,000
Speaker 1: And I was like, I said something about your lashes though,

853
00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:23,800
Speaker 1: Like how we get over here? You nitpicking my eyelashes? Nigga,

854
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:25,839
Speaker 1: Like come on, But that's what that's my point. Like

855
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:29,439
Speaker 1: if if they're still learning each other and they don't know,

856
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:33,120
Speaker 1: because we still have conversations about which jokes effect is

857
00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:37,320
Speaker 1: differently at which times we're talking about twenty years in

858
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:39,799
Speaker 1: five years. In a recent joke, devloped me that he

859
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: thought I would have thought was funny. I was like,

860
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:44,600
Speaker 1: that's not funny, Like I thought you would be dead serious.

861
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:48,600
Speaker 1: So it happens, and and sometimes you have to learn

862
00:44:48,719 --> 00:44:52,080
Speaker 1: continue to learn how to communicate in a marriage, even

863
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,080
Speaker 1: when you think you got it. And it may be

864
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:58,960
Speaker 1: something as simple as that, like he I'm wondering, does

865
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,239
Speaker 1: he pitch in now? All that okay? They have the

866
00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:03,120
Speaker 1: eighteen months old, she's pregnant, I know. She said that

867
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:04,960
Speaker 1: he has a high roll and a corporate job. Does

868
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:08,279
Speaker 1: he feel like I am Mr Corporate? I work, so

869
00:45:08,320 --> 00:45:10,200
Speaker 1: he doesn't do as much around the household to help

870
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:11,880
Speaker 1: pick up some of that slack, y'all might need to

871
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:15,400
Speaker 1: outsource at this point, probably pretty much. She says she's working.

872
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,680
Speaker 1: She's master's full time, working full time, then cooking, cleaning,

873
00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:19,840
Speaker 1: and trying to be a wife and mom at the

874
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:23,200
Speaker 1: same time. Ai'll being pregnant and having a sixteen month old,

875
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:25,120
Speaker 1: Like that's a lot, you know, So I don't know

876
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:27,000
Speaker 1: how much he does. She said he pays most of

877
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:29,399
Speaker 1: the household bills, So I'm wondering. Is he a person

878
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:32,560
Speaker 1: that says, well, I work, I make the money, so

879
00:45:32,719 --> 00:45:36,480
Speaker 1: therefore you keep the house under control. It also depends

880
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:40,279
Speaker 1: on choices, right, So for example, I remember when we

881
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:42,640
Speaker 1: were buying this house. One thing I said was he

882
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:44,399
Speaker 1: gonna buy If we're going to buy a house is big,

883
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:47,239
Speaker 1: who's gonna be responsible for cleaning it? And you were

884
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 1: just like, don't worry, I'll handle it. Right at that point,

885
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:53,879
Speaker 1: don't ask me once we buy this big as house

886
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:56,520
Speaker 1: to come help clean something when you said you had it.

887
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:58,439
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, like, these are conversations that

888
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:01,359
Speaker 1: people need to have. If you the outsource to get

889
00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:03,400
Speaker 1: the house clean, fine, I don't got no problems with that,

890
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:05,319
Speaker 1: but you know what I'm saying, don't be like, here's

891
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:08,360
Speaker 1: a pot in there's four bathrooms I left clean, and

892
00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:09,719
Speaker 1: I was like, wait a minute. If I knew I

893
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:12,160
Speaker 1: would have the clean bathroom, I would have brought this

894
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:16,439
Speaker 1: big that. Yep, that was definitely a discussion. Yea, because

895
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:18,520
Speaker 1: you're gonna get a house this size, what are you

896
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,440
Speaker 1: gonna do? And I said, well, I'll try to maintain,

897
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:22,319
Speaker 1: you know, on a day to day basis, and then

898
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:24,759
Speaker 1: probably once a month have a deep clean somebody coming

899
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:27,279
Speaker 1: and help me with that. And that's been working and

900
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:29,200
Speaker 1: we have money in the budget for that. That's something

901
00:46:29,239 --> 00:46:31,920
Speaker 1: that was already discussed. So but that's what I'm saying, Like,

902
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,400
Speaker 1: we don't understand the dynamic of their relationship as to

903
00:46:34,480 --> 00:46:37,600
Speaker 1: why he may or may not be cleaning or why

904
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:40,719
Speaker 1: she may or may not be, you know, focusing. Like,

905
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:43,120
Speaker 1: for example, she said that she's she has a good career,

906
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 1: she's going for her masters, she's going for this, right,

907
00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 1: what if in their relationship? He was just like, Hey,

908
00:46:48,440 --> 00:46:51,680
Speaker 1: I got you. You don't gotta worry about that. You

909
00:46:51,719 --> 00:46:53,240
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. If we're gonna do this marthe

910
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 1: and let's get mad, let's have kids. I'm thirty four.

911
00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:57,279
Speaker 1: I want to have kids when i'm younger so I

912
00:46:57,320 --> 00:46:59,080
Speaker 1: can play with my kids. Blah blah blah blah blah.

913
00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:00,719
Speaker 1: And she was just like, yeah, I still want to

914
00:47:00,719 --> 00:47:02,279
Speaker 1: do that, but I also want to focus on my

915
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:05,040
Speaker 1: masters and these things. Right. So He's like, all right, cool.

916
00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:08,120
Speaker 1: They may want different things at different points in their

917
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:11,040
Speaker 1: lives and have to learn how to balance, how to

918
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:14,160
Speaker 1: get both of them if they if there's not a synergy.

919
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:16,879
Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying because we also went through

920
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:19,319
Speaker 1: that in our relationship at one point where I thought

921
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:21,719
Speaker 1: that I wanted to stay at home wife, and you

922
00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:23,640
Speaker 1: thought that you wanted to be a stay at home

923
00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:25,719
Speaker 1: wife until you got that it was just like this

924
00:47:25,719 --> 00:47:28,080
Speaker 1: ship is for the birds, and you wanted to work,

925
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:29,279
Speaker 1: and you want to go out there. Then there was

926
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:31,560
Speaker 1: a point where I was kind of conflicted because I

927
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:33,239
Speaker 1: was like, man, we got kids. I don't want my

928
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:35,759
Speaker 1: wife to have to work. You know, I want someone

929
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:37,640
Speaker 1: to be there. Because as much as I talk about

930
00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:40,400
Speaker 1: how great I love going to Aunt Wheezie's house and

931
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:42,799
Speaker 1: how much I love going to Tennessee, there was also

932
00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:44,600
Speaker 1: a part of me as a young man who felt,

933
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:47,839
Speaker 1: you know, like dang, like my other friend's parents picked

934
00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:51,360
Speaker 1: him up from school. You know, they weren't responsible for

935
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:54,480
Speaker 1: walking their little brother to school at eight, picking him

936
00:47:54,560 --> 00:47:57,320
Speaker 1: up from school at eight, coming home, and making making

937
00:47:57,400 --> 00:47:59,319
Speaker 1: lunch for his little brother. Like I was eight. I

938
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:01,359
Speaker 1: wanted to be able to be eight. I didn't want

939
00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:03,400
Speaker 1: to have to act like a little adult. Part of

940
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:06,680
Speaker 1: me wanted my wife to be that for my children.

941
00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:09,960
Speaker 1: And you know, as you go through life, those ideas

942
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:12,960
Speaker 1: and what you want change, and unless you're willing to

943
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:16,120
Speaker 1: speak about that with your spouse, then you're never gonna

944
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:18,080
Speaker 1: get on the same page because that maybe something you

945
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:20,640
Speaker 1: want your Like I envisioned my children coming home to

946
00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:23,000
Speaker 1: their mom who has first cookies every day, and I

947
00:48:23,080 --> 00:48:25,680
Speaker 1: might have been like, well, hell to the no that

948
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:28,840
Speaker 1: Chick fil on the way home and that's gonna be dinner.

949
00:48:28,840 --> 00:48:31,959
Speaker 1: Like you know, there's so many different variables. Um, but

950
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:35,560
Speaker 1: I think ultimately, um sis maybe trying to continue to

951
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:37,839
Speaker 1: have those conversations with him so you guys can have

952
00:48:38,120 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 1: a little bit of a better understanding who can do

953
00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:43,839
Speaker 1: what in what moment. You know. Um, I think that's

954
00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:46,440
Speaker 1: probably the best way to go about it. So good

955
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 1: luck to y'all. Number two, Hello, Codein and Deval. I

956
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:52,759
Speaker 1: want to start by saying I love the podcast. Thank you,

957
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:55,040
Speaker 1: we love you too. I haven't missed an episode since

958
00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:57,400
Speaker 1: you started, so to jump into it, my husband and

959
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:59,520
Speaker 1: I have been married for two years, together for seven

960
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 1: we have three whole Boys catch up, and I'm currently

961
00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:08,640
Speaker 1: two weeks present. We have been going through verbatim version

962
00:49:08,640 --> 00:49:10,960
Speaker 1: of what Devo discussed in the Superman episode, to the

963
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:13,440
Speaker 1: point that I thought we were living in the same house.

964
00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:17,080
Speaker 1: We thought that we were living in the same house

965
00:49:17,239 --> 00:49:19,560
Speaker 1: to be specific, my husband has been on the spiritual

966
00:49:19,600 --> 00:49:21,920
Speaker 1: journey for the last year and a half. God blessed

967
00:49:22,239 --> 00:49:24,359
Speaker 1: be on a spiritual journey too, brother, especially when Kay

968
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:27,640
Speaker 1: was pregnant. It has consumed him in some ways that

969
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:29,719
Speaker 1: I haven't seen before in our seven years. In June

970
00:49:29,719 --> 00:49:31,520
Speaker 1: of this year, he expressed that he wanted to take

971
00:49:31,560 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 1: a two month break. I agreed, I will cover all

972
00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:38,680
Speaker 1: expenses for two months. When Augusts rolled around, he seemed

973
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:41,480
Speaker 1: unmotivated to get back out there. I can't relate with that.

974
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:45,440
Speaker 1: It has now been five months. I love my husband,

975
00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:48,440
Speaker 1: but your girl's patience is wearing then, and the timing

976
00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:51,840
Speaker 1: of it all could not be more terrible. With expecting

977
00:49:51,840 --> 00:49:54,960
Speaker 1: our fourth and final dang, I thought that us finding

978
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:56,920
Speaker 1: out that we were expecting would get him going. I

979
00:49:56,920 --> 00:49:59,680
Speaker 1: thought last Friday finding out our final baby would be

980
00:49:59,719 --> 00:50:03,560
Speaker 1: a girl or would be sure to do the trick. Congrats, Yes, congrats,

981
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:05,879
Speaker 1: But I haven't seen that old flame light up yet.

982
00:50:06,040 --> 00:50:09,160
Speaker 1: How do I get my Superman back on track? Can

983
00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:13,040
Speaker 1: it be depression? I'm tired of being Superwoman? Wow, this

984
00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:16,440
Speaker 1: is actually a very very good question. You want to

985
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:19,879
Speaker 1: know why we say this all the time? Right? I said,

986
00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:23,279
Speaker 1: you know what, babe, you as a woman get to

987
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:26,680
Speaker 1: say you want to take a break. And if you

988
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:28,640
Speaker 1: say you want to take a break for mental health reasons,

989
00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:32,040
Speaker 1: what happens people applaud you. Right, that's fine. She she

990
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:35,200
Speaker 1: recognized her breaking out and none this man saying he

991
00:50:35,239 --> 00:50:37,080
Speaker 1: needs a break, and I guarantee a bunch of people

992
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,759
Speaker 1: gonna be like this, need to get his lazy ass off.

993
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:45,399
Speaker 1: This is why the the uh suicide rate amongst men

994
00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:49,920
Speaker 1: in America. It's for the one to women. You want

995
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:54,280
Speaker 1: to know why, because men typically don't get breaks. Now, granted,

996
00:50:54,719 --> 00:50:57,360
Speaker 1: we do not have to carry children, so we're not

997
00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 1: gonna sit here and try to equate a woman needing

998
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:03,680
Speaker 1: a break because of postpartum or something to what a

999
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:06,960
Speaker 1: man goes through. But him saying he needs a break

1000
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:09,799
Speaker 1: and needs to chill and spiritually is showing that he

1001
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:14,200
Speaker 1: has some exhaustion mentally. And I hope, and this is

1002
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:17,560
Speaker 1: sad that I that I hope she finds a way

1003
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:21,120
Speaker 1: to have grace for him while carrying a child, because

1004
00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:23,680
Speaker 1: you already know how I feel about that when it

1005
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:27,840
Speaker 1: comes to my wife carrying children. This is just me speaking.

1006
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:30,839
Speaker 1: She don't need to worry about nothing else. I tell

1007
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:34,120
Speaker 1: everybody else, get out my wife way, leave her alone,

1008
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:37,560
Speaker 1: Let her do what she wants, because she's carrying our child. Right.

1009
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,600
Speaker 1: It would be tough for me as a man to

1010
00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:42,600
Speaker 1: say to my wife, you have to keep going to

1011
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:45,040
Speaker 1: work and be a mom to all of our other

1012
00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:48,239
Speaker 1: children while I take a break while pregnant, Like, I

1013
00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:51,000
Speaker 1: don't understand that, But I'm not gonna shame him because

1014
00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:52,759
Speaker 1: I don't know what he's going through mentally, you see

1015
00:51:52,760 --> 00:51:54,920
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. That's why I wanted to kind of

1016
00:51:55,080 --> 00:51:57,759
Speaker 1: give that explanation. Beware. Yeah, and I agree. And I

1017
00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,959
Speaker 1: think that she said they've been together for seven years

1018
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:04,200
Speaker 1: area too, so, um, he might just need a mental

1019
00:52:04,200 --> 00:52:05,840
Speaker 1: break first for whatever the reason is. It may not

1020
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:08,240
Speaker 1: even have anything to do with children or expecting another

1021
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:11,880
Speaker 1: child or anything. Um, but I was gonna say something

1022
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,880
Speaker 1: along the lines of stand by your man, like he

1023
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:17,239
Speaker 1: just may need that in this moment, and it may

1024
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:20,200
Speaker 1: require you having a little bit more conversation with him

1025
00:52:20,239 --> 00:52:22,759
Speaker 1: seeing how you can be of help in some circumstance.

1026
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:25,080
Speaker 1: And I know it's hard when you're pregnant. Hopefully since

1027
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:27,879
Speaker 1: you're twenty two weeks, you're at that second trimester where

1028
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:30,239
Speaker 1: you've got everybody in your mojo back. You're not quite

1029
00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:32,920
Speaker 1: at the end yet, so that second trimester is kind

1030
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:34,439
Speaker 1: of like that sweet spot where you kind of feel

1031
00:52:34,440 --> 00:52:36,719
Speaker 1: a little bit more normal. Um, you're still able to

1032
00:52:36,719 --> 00:52:39,080
Speaker 1: maneuver and physically you're not quite to the end, so

1033
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:41,440
Speaker 1: you're still okay, UM, but just trying to have the

1034
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,960
Speaker 1: conversations and lovingly, UM, you know, kind of encourage him

1035
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:47,719
Speaker 1: to see what other help he may need. Um. It

1036
00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:49,279
Speaker 1: might be a little bit of depression. It might be

1037
00:52:49,360 --> 00:52:53,760
Speaker 1: for random reasons. Um. Depending on age and a certain ages,

1038
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:56,279
Speaker 1: people feel like they have these little like there's the

1039
00:52:56,280 --> 00:52:59,040
Speaker 1: midlife crisis, or there's the quarter life crisis, or whatever

1040
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:02,319
Speaker 1: may happen. So in points in their life, he may

1041
00:53:02,320 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 1: be going through the transition of sorts. They've been together

1042
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:08,120
Speaker 1: seven years and they have three kids, which which means

1043
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,680
Speaker 1: typically they've probably got together and then started having kids

1044
00:53:10,680 --> 00:53:16,400
Speaker 1: immediately they and and he was probably learning this woman

1045
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:22,040
Speaker 1: through pregnancies, so you've learned a different version of this woman.

1046
00:53:22,719 --> 00:53:25,239
Speaker 1: Then you know what I'm saying, like that that could

1047
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:28,160
Speaker 1: be exhausting for him to why he needed a break,

1048
00:53:29,200 --> 00:53:31,920
Speaker 1: And I'm putting out there first because of what I'm

1049
00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:35,800
Speaker 1: about to say next. Right with that being said, she's

1050
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:40,320
Speaker 1: carrying your fourth child, right if this is my homeboy,

1051
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:44,000
Speaker 1: not just you know what I'm saying, my someone a reader,

1052
00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:46,680
Speaker 1: because I'm always going to try to support emotion, my homeboy,

1053
00:53:46,680 --> 00:53:49,160
Speaker 1: but I would say, get the funk up, you know

1054
00:53:49,160 --> 00:53:52,960
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, like like at some point where I understand,

1055
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:55,759
Speaker 1: but if we're being honest and she's asking me for help,

1056
00:53:56,160 --> 00:54:00,120
Speaker 1: and that was my homeboy, because we have we have

1057
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:04,800
Speaker 1: Google chats and in my group chats, dude, dude that, dude,

1058
00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:08,440
Speaker 1: now is not the time you can and and this

1059
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:10,920
Speaker 1: is the sad part, right, we don't know what people

1060
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:14,040
Speaker 1: are going through to tell someone that, you know what

1061
00:54:14,040 --> 00:54:16,120
Speaker 1: I'm saying, now is not the time. But if we're

1062
00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:20,000
Speaker 1: looking at it right now, now, it is not the time.

1063
00:54:20,239 --> 00:54:24,280
Speaker 1: She's working. They already have three boys and she's pregnant.

1064
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,759
Speaker 1: She's gonna need help in grace as well. And if

1065
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 1: y'all are a partnership, if you're there to be of service, yes,

1066
00:54:31,280 --> 00:54:33,640
Speaker 1: you can be of service to yourself, but you have

1067
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:36,160
Speaker 1: to be of service to your wife at this point,

1068
00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:39,160
Speaker 1: Like like I'm not trying to be insensitive, to his

1069
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:43,880
Speaker 1: mental health, not at all. And I'm definitely not conversations

1070
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:47,400
Speaker 1: like that, but you friends, like I specifically remember you

1071
00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:49,279
Speaker 1: having one conversation with a friend who had had a

1072
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:51,759
Speaker 1: baby recently and you were just like, Bro, now it's

1073
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:53,759
Speaker 1: not the time for all that. No, it's not the

1074
00:54:53,800 --> 00:54:55,440
Speaker 1: time for all that. And if you want to take

1075
00:54:55,480 --> 00:54:57,840
Speaker 1: a break, I'm wondering there's somebody speaking of the topic

1076
00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:00,440
Speaker 1: of outsourcing. You need to be tagged out. There's somebody

1077
00:55:00,440 --> 00:55:03,520
Speaker 1: you can tag it in your absence to be like, hey,

1078
00:55:03,719 --> 00:55:06,919
Speaker 1: you know I need like Bro, I need this time,

1079
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:09,640
Speaker 1: or like I need this time, or calling on auntie

1080
00:55:09,719 --> 00:55:12,279
Speaker 1: or sister or somebody to come in and just kind of,

1081
00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:16,879
Speaker 1: you know, fill in while you figure things out. Black

1082
00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:20,840
Speaker 1: people like to seek spiritual help. Sometimes you need professional help.

1083
00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:23,680
Speaker 1: Like if you're not feeling like yourself and you as

1084
00:55:23,719 --> 00:55:27,560
Speaker 1: a man can't get up to help your wife, you

1085
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:30,319
Speaker 1: need to seek help to figure out how you can

1086
00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:33,600
Speaker 1: get up. What is this woman supposed to do in

1087
00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:36,479
Speaker 1: the final trimester when it's the break, just a break,

1088
00:55:36,640 --> 00:55:41,000
Speaker 1: like you're just not doing anything. She said five she says,

1089
00:55:41,920 --> 00:55:44,040
Speaker 1: he said two months, and then it's been two months,

1090
00:55:44,040 --> 00:55:46,560
Speaker 1: and then so so she's she covered all the expenses

1091
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:48,800
Speaker 1: for two months. That's what I'm saying. So he asked

1092
00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:52,960
Speaker 1: for the break while she was pregnant, right, we don't

1093
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:55,200
Speaker 1: know if he's planning to take this break while she's

1094
00:55:55,200 --> 00:55:56,840
Speaker 1: pregnant and then when the baby comes to but we

1095
00:55:56,840 --> 00:56:00,160
Speaker 1: don't know. She needs understanding of what that is. Like.

1096
00:56:00,200 --> 00:56:02,800
Speaker 1: I'm I'm not trying to be insensitive, and I wanted

1097
00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:05,400
Speaker 1: to to at least come in front and say that

1098
00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:08,600
Speaker 1: I understand that the suicide rate of man, I understand

1099
00:56:08,640 --> 00:56:10,879
Speaker 1: that sometimes it may not be fair. I don't want

1100
00:56:10,880 --> 00:56:12,640
Speaker 1: to seem like I'm coming down on man. We always

1101
00:56:12,640 --> 00:56:16,879
Speaker 1: speak about holding people accountable, but the fuck like like,

1102
00:56:17,280 --> 00:56:21,200
Speaker 1: it's a mom with three kids and pregnant and working

1103
00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:23,839
Speaker 1: and now you just decide that you wanna you want

1104
00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:27,759
Speaker 1: to just woo saw for five months. You asked this

1105
00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:30,360
Speaker 1: woman to marry you. There comes into a certain accountability

1106
00:56:30,360 --> 00:56:33,160
Speaker 1: with that. You know what I'm saying, And that's you

1107
00:56:33,160 --> 00:56:35,960
Speaker 1: know it's gonna sound sexist, but be a man, bro

1108
00:56:36,800 --> 00:56:40,680
Speaker 1: man up. Deal deal with it when it's appropriate. But

1109
00:56:40,719 --> 00:56:43,280
Speaker 1: you don't get to tap out on life or completely

1110
00:56:43,640 --> 00:56:46,960
Speaker 1: completely clock out right on life when you have children

1111
00:56:47,040 --> 00:56:48,440
Speaker 1: and a wife like you just don't get to do that.

1112
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:51,719
Speaker 1: But I'm trust me, I'm giving grace. I'm not shaming him,

1113
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:54,840
Speaker 1: but I'm just saying that that was my boy, and

1114
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:57,200
Speaker 1: not for nothing that this is my boy. If this

1115
00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:59,040
Speaker 1: is all my boys and we've done this, we'll get

1116
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,799
Speaker 1: together and be like yo, let's throw someone so a

1117
00:57:01,840 --> 00:57:04,760
Speaker 1: couple of grands each. Let's at least get the pressure

1118
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:09,120
Speaker 1: off his wife. You know what I'm saying, Because we have,

1119
00:57:09,200 --> 00:57:13,120
Speaker 1: we've done a village of men like people have, but

1120
00:57:13,239 --> 00:57:15,120
Speaker 1: having a village of guys that could be like, yo, bro,

1121
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:19,120
Speaker 1: I need to lean on yes with the group chat

1122
00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:21,680
Speaker 1: without without outing one of my friends. But him and

1123
00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:24,640
Speaker 1: his wife were going through a tough time and he

1124
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:27,760
Speaker 1: didn't mention anything Superman complex. He's busting his ass working

1125
00:57:27,800 --> 00:57:30,040
Speaker 1: working another one of our friends. Like, yo, let's all

1126
00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:32,600
Speaker 1: just throw him two grand apiece. At least, let's say

1127
00:57:32,640 --> 00:57:36,320
Speaker 1: the hold his hold over, hold his wife over, and boom.

1128
00:57:36,360 --> 00:57:38,080
Speaker 1: We you know, four of us got together through him

1129
00:57:38,120 --> 00:57:40,840
Speaker 1: eight grand that's a that's like a lifesaver for a

1130
00:57:40,880 --> 00:57:42,720
Speaker 1: lot of people. You know what I'm saying. When now

1131
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:44,919
Speaker 1: you at least have some cushion so you don't gotta

1132
00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:48,040
Speaker 1: stress and would helped them get through that moment, you know,

1133
00:57:48,400 --> 00:57:49,800
Speaker 1: helped them get through that moment. I go through that

1134
00:57:49,800 --> 00:57:51,560
Speaker 1: with my friends all the time. Man, some of my

1135
00:57:51,640 --> 00:57:54,880
Speaker 1: friends who who some of them don't even have families.

1136
00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:58,000
Speaker 1: They're just going through a tough time and you speak

1137
00:57:58,040 --> 00:57:59,920
Speaker 1: on it. Let me throw you a couple of grands

1138
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:03,520
Speaker 1: is so that don't worry about paying these bills for

1139
00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:06,760
Speaker 1: thirty days. You know what I'm saying. Just focus on

1140
00:58:06,800 --> 00:58:08,560
Speaker 1: getting your mental health together. But at least you know

1141
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:11,160
Speaker 1: these bills are covered. You know, men need that in

1142
00:58:11,200 --> 00:58:13,240
Speaker 1: the groups too, because men don't like asking other men

1143
00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:15,280
Speaker 1: for money. And what people need to realize too is

1144
00:58:15,320 --> 00:58:17,880
Speaker 1: sometimes okay to give and not be alone. I'm not

1145
00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:20,120
Speaker 1: giving you this money and then making it seem like,

1146
00:58:20,160 --> 00:58:22,680
Speaker 1: well I want my money back, yo. You know what

1147
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,520
Speaker 1: kind of gift that is. If you've got a group

1148
00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:26,560
Speaker 1: of group chat, a group of guys in a group chat,

1149
00:58:26,800 --> 00:58:29,760
Speaker 1: and y'all share asks in sports stats all day, that's

1150
00:58:29,800 --> 00:58:32,400
Speaker 1: all y'all do. But then randomly, when your guys know

1151
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:35,800
Speaker 1: that you're going through something, you can just get a

1152
00:58:35,920 --> 00:58:38,920
Speaker 1: check or a direct deposit or a zel and you

1153
00:58:39,040 --> 00:58:44,240
Speaker 1: got eight dollars and it's just like you know, nobody's

1154
00:58:44,280 --> 00:58:47,200
Speaker 1: looking for it back. That maybe the break you need

1155
00:58:47,600 --> 00:58:50,920
Speaker 1: tapping out on your family for five months. In my

1156
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:53,200
Speaker 1: group chat, you're not getting that break. Nigga is just

1157
00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:56,360
Speaker 1: callingly you all sorts of names, and and you have

1158
00:58:56,480 --> 00:58:59,480
Speaker 1: it because dude, you asked you, You asked to get married,

1159
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:01,680
Speaker 1: you asked her for kids that do you agree on

1160
00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:04,280
Speaker 1: the side did that? You did that? So hey, bro,

1161
00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:07,200
Speaker 1: let's let's help out our brothers too, and brothers if

1162
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:09,760
Speaker 1: you'are listening, it's okay to have that in the group chats.

1163
00:59:10,280 --> 00:59:14,040
Speaker 1: I love that you asked sports and help and Bible

1164
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:17,400
Speaker 1: versus the Bible versus in our group chats. That's I

1165
00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:22,800
Speaker 1: was talking about other group chats and motivational tips pause

1166
00:59:23,920 --> 00:59:27,640
Speaker 1: not tips, motivational speeches and videos. Let me let me,

1167
00:59:27,760 --> 00:59:31,000
Speaker 1: let me cut you off while you've ahead. If you'd

1168
00:59:31,040 --> 00:59:34,400
Speaker 1: like to be featured as one of our listening letters,

1169
00:59:34,440 --> 00:59:36,680
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at that as advice at

1170
00:59:36,680 --> 00:59:41,520
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's the E A D. That's a

1171
00:59:41,680 --> 00:59:45,080
Speaker 1: D V I C E at gmail dot com. Oh

1172
00:59:45,200 --> 00:59:51,160
Speaker 1: my goodness, So moment of truth. If in your household,

1173
00:59:51,480 --> 00:59:55,880
Speaker 1: you or your spouse are neither equipped to do what

1174
00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:58,800
Speaker 1: needs to be done in that moment, and you have

1175
00:59:59,320 --> 01:00:05,320
Speaker 1: the resource is and the ability to outsource, freaking outsource,

1176
01:00:06,800 --> 01:00:09,120
Speaker 1: get the help that you need to make you a

1177
01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,880
Speaker 1: more productive person, a more productive person in general. And

1178
01:00:12,880 --> 01:00:14,920
Speaker 1: that's the mother and the father to be a better

1179
01:00:15,240 --> 01:00:18,440
Speaker 1: husband or a wife, to be a better person. Do

1180
01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:20,760
Speaker 1: what you have to do. Rely. If you can't rely

1181
01:00:20,800 --> 01:00:23,040
Speaker 1: on your village, and you need to actually hire somebody

1182
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:26,440
Speaker 1: to pay them to do that job, do it because

1183
01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:30,840
Speaker 1: I promise you just that little bit of sanity. Getting

1184
01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:35,200
Speaker 1: the relief from sleep sleep deprivation is just leaps and bounds.

1185
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:39,200
Speaker 1: It can just help. Just get the help that you need. Period.

1186
01:00:39,440 --> 01:00:42,320
Speaker 1: I agree with you, I agree with and I agree

1187
01:00:42,360 --> 01:00:44,439
Speaker 1: with you so much that I'm gonna take my moment

1188
01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:48,960
Speaker 1: of truth in a different direction. Let's normalize not shaming

1189
01:00:49,000 --> 01:00:52,720
Speaker 1: people for choosing to live differently than us in all

1190
01:00:52,960 --> 01:00:55,439
Speaker 1: aspects of our lives. That would be amazing, Like let's

1191
01:00:55,520 --> 01:01:01,160
Speaker 1: let's just and beyond be open to seeing someone else's

1192
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:07,080
Speaker 1: lifestyle and just saying mm hmm, that's interesting, as opposed

1193
01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:11,400
Speaker 1: to nah, that shouldn't be done that way. While your

1194
01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:14,960
Speaker 1: life be fucked up. You understand what I'm saying, like,

1195
01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:18,479
Speaker 1: that's just realistically, that's really what I want to tell people.

1196
01:01:18,480 --> 01:01:20,640
Speaker 1: But I'd be trying to stay cordial on social media.

1197
01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:25,520
Speaker 1: But I'm tired of watching people with fucked up lives

1198
01:01:25,960 --> 01:01:29,080
Speaker 1: telling other people how to live their lives. Because all

1199
01:01:29,080 --> 01:01:32,360
Speaker 1: of us, in some facet of our life is sucked up,

1200
01:01:32,680 --> 01:01:35,840
Speaker 1: all of us, you know, and we're all figuring out.

1201
01:01:35,880 --> 01:01:39,520
Speaker 1: So none of us are qualified to tell somebody the

1202
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:42,680
Speaker 1: perfect way to live their life. So let's normalize allowing

1203
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:46,680
Speaker 1: people to share their experiences. Yes, normalizing and practice and

1204
01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:50,320
Speaker 1: practice on top practice, allowing people to exist in their

1205
01:01:50,360 --> 01:01:52,920
Speaker 1: space and just saying that's interesting. Let's start to be

1206
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:57,040
Speaker 1: consumers of content. Let people have their moment and stop

1207
01:01:57,080 --> 01:01:59,720
Speaker 1: shaming people for being different facts. Put the energy into

1208
01:01:59,720 --> 01:02:02,480
Speaker 1: your own life. It's all right, And be sure to

1209
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:05,280
Speaker 1: find us on social media, y'all at dead as the

1210
01:02:05,320 --> 01:02:08,400
Speaker 1: podcast and you know where to find me. I am

1211
01:02:08,560 --> 01:02:11,040
Speaker 1: and I am devouting. If you're listening on Apple podcasts,

1212
01:02:11,280 --> 01:02:18,040
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, reviewed, and subscribe. Dead as dead

1213
01:02:18,080 --> 01:02:20,840
Speaker 1: Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network

1214
01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:24,480
Speaker 1: and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast

1215
01:02:24,600 --> 01:02:27,200
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the podcast and never

1216
01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:27,720
Speaker 1: miss a thing