WEBVTT - Second Cup: Don't wait to apologize

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,

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<v Speaker 1>This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's

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<v Speaker 1>tip is to not wait to apologize. If you may

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<v Speaker 1>have caused someone inconvenience or hurt them in some way,

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<v Speaker 1>apologizing right away can make the experience less painful for everyone.

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<v Speaker 1>So I recently said something to someone that one minute

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<v Speaker 1>later I realized could be badly misinterpreted. My first thought

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<v Speaker 1>was that maybe I should just pretend it didn't happen.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe the other person didn't hear me, or you always

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<v Speaker 1>hope that if there's a nice way to interpret something

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<v Speaker 1>and a bad way to interpret something, people will give

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<v Speaker 1>you the benefit of the doubt. However, I decided we

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<v Speaker 1>were both going to feel very awkward if the bad

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<v Speaker 1>interpretation prevailed. So I apologized and noted that I meant

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<v Speaker 1>the other thing, and the person laughed and everything felt

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<v Speaker 1>a lot more clear. Upon reflection, I realized that my

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<v Speaker 1>first instinct had been wrong, and apologizing was the right approach.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes when we fear we might have hurt or irritated someone,

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<v Speaker 1>we figure we should wait and see whether they're really

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<v Speaker 1>upset before acknowledging what we've done. And how they might feel.

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<v Speaker 1>And I guess this does make sense in a way.

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<v Speaker 1>Why rock the boat if what we did or said

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<v Speaker 1>didn't bother them, We don't want to make it worse

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<v Speaker 1>by bringing it up. But I doubt many of us

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<v Speaker 1>have ever been upset by someone apologizing for something that

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<v Speaker 1>you didn't think was a big deal. If someone apologizes

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<v Speaker 1>and it wasn't an issue for you, you just say

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<v Speaker 1>something like no worries and you both move on, so

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<v Speaker 1>there's little downside. And if you did hurt someone, people

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<v Speaker 1>tend to be less hurt and more gracious when an

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<v Speaker 1>apology comes immediately, as in, wow, that came out all wrong,

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<v Speaker 1>or I realized that sounded ungracious and that was not

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<v Speaker 1>my intention, because I'm very thankful that you did X, Y,

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<v Speaker 1>and Z or whatever makes sense in your situation. Something

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<v Speaker 1>that could have become a real source of irritation often

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<v Speaker 1>ends up feeling minor you and they forget about it.

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<v Speaker 1>So you aren't gaining anything by not apologizing right away.

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<v Speaker 1>By taking responsibility, you open up the possibility of the

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<v Speaker 1>relationship continuing or maybe even coming out stronger than before.

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<v Speaker 1>So unless you actually intended to hurt the person apologizing

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<v Speaker 1>quickly leaves everyone much better off now. Of course, there

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<v Speaker 1>is a caveat to this. Some people, and I will

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<v Speaker 1>say most of them, women have a tendency to apologize

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<v Speaker 1>even when there is no possibility that they did anything wrong.

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<v Speaker 1>Someone bumps into them, they apologize for being there. The

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<v Speaker 1>waiter brings them someone else's food, they apologize for bringing

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<v Speaker 1>it up. You cancel on them last minute because you

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<v Speaker 1>realize you double booked yourself. They apologize for I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>not confirming that you weren't a disorganized mess. In all

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<v Speaker 1>these cases, an apology isn't really appropriate. When you haven't

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<v Speaker 1>harmed anyone, you don't have to say you're sorry. I

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<v Speaker 1>think what's going on here is that sorry is an

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<v Speaker 1>easy way to express empathy about things that are going

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<v Speaker 1>on in the world. There are other ways to express

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<v Speaker 1>caring without assuming a blame you don't deserve. So you

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<v Speaker 1>could just say that stinks, or that seems so hard,

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<v Speaker 1>or even I'm sorry you had that experience. Express sympathy

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<v Speaker 1>with a plight, but without implying that you have anything

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<v Speaker 1>to do with the cause, but setting inappropriate apologies aside.

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<v Speaker 1>If you may have harmed or hurt someone, apologize right away.

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<v Speaker 1>When you make amends, you can both move on. In

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<v Speaker 1>the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and here's

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<v Speaker 1>to making the most of our time. Hey, everybody, I'd

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<v Speaker 1>love to hear from you. You can send me your tips,

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<v Speaker 1>your questions, or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter,

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<v Speaker 1>the number four, then breakfast p o D. You can

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<v Speaker 1>also shoot me an email at Before Breakfast podcast at

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<v Speaker 1>iHeartMedia dot com that Before Breakfast is spelled out with

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<v Speaker 1>all the letters. Thanks so much. Should I look forward

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<v Speaker 1>to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartRadio.

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