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Speaker 1: It's I Do Part two, and it's some of your

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Speaker 1: favorite villain hosts from The Golden Bachelor Season one. It's

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Speaker 1: Kathy Swart.

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Speaker 2: And Susan Knowles, and we're in San Francisco with iHeart

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Speaker 2: for the Jonas Brothers concert and we're having the best

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Speaker 2: time hanging out with the crew.

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Speaker 1: Huh, Katy, Yeah, we are who knew? On this podcast,

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Speaker 1: we're always asking you to call and write in when

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Speaker 1: you need advice, So today we're going to be answering

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Speaker 1: your questions.

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Speaker 3: Little boy. Here we go.

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Speaker 2: First, one's from Allison and Omaha, I'm going on my

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Speaker 2: first date since losing my husband five years ago. I

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Speaker 2: haven't been on a date in over thirty years. What's

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Speaker 2: something I should try to do on the date so

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Speaker 2: that he gets to know me?

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Speaker 3: And I'm not just nervous drink heavily?

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Speaker 1: No this, You know, this is actually an easy question

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Speaker 1: because Alison, I'm right there with you. I'm just dating

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Speaker 1: and my husband died six years ago. So here's my

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Speaker 1: advice to you. You should ask him questions about himself

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Speaker 1: because everybody loves to talk about themselves, and if you

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Speaker 1: ask him something about himself, you know his family, what

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Speaker 1: he does what he likes to do on a weekend.

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Speaker 1: That's going to help you come up with other ideas

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Speaker 1: and he'll ask you some questions.

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Speaker 3: Hopefully he asks her some question.

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Speaker 1: But you know what, don't be nervous, Alison. You know

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Speaker 1: it's only dating. You're not signing your life away yet,

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Speaker 1: so go enjoy it, have some fun, relax and you know,

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Speaker 1: get to know a guy you never know. You never

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Speaker 1: know when the arrow is going to shoot.

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Speaker 2: And for me, just take a big, deep, cleansing breath

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Speaker 2: before you walk in and just do you. Just be you,

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Speaker 2: because you're what matters, not him. Okay, so if you

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Speaker 2: feel chemistry, just be yourself and I think the conversation

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Speaker 2: will flow.

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Speaker 3: I really do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I would add one more thing to that, Alison.

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Speaker 1: If there's something special, you know, some special thing you

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Speaker 1: like to do, hiking or kayaking or something you know,

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Speaker 1: bring up that, bring up something that's important to you

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Speaker 1: and see if you can get a conversation started going.

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Speaker 3: Now, way to talk about it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, don't go too deep and let us know Alison,

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Speaker 1: how that date goes in omhand, Rascal, we want to

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Speaker 1: hear one.

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Speaker 2: Thing I will say, do not say, what are you

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Speaker 2: looking for the worst question ever ever.

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Speaker 1: Well, unless she's looking for a glass of wine and

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Speaker 1: then wave the waiter over.

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Speaker 2: All right, thank you for writing in Alison. Let us

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Speaker 2: know how you make it. We would love to hear.

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Speaker 1: Okay. The second one is from Rachel in Miami, Florida.

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Speaker 1: My marriage ended ten years ago after my husband cheated

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Speaker 1: on me. I haven't been in a relationship since, and

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Speaker 1: now I'm going through menopause. Do you recommend sex toys?

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Speaker 1: I'm tired, but I haven't lost desire. Wellna, this one

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Speaker 1: was for sus She's got about two suitcases full of

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Speaker 1: under her bed.

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Speaker 2: Go for it, But I do have a favorite, my love.

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Speaker 2: I should take stock in this company. The woman eyeser. No, Absolutely,

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Speaker 2: pleasure yourself. There is nothing wrong with it. You're still

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Speaker 2: alive and I don't know about you, but for me

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Speaker 2: menopause it kicked in like it was way more than

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Speaker 2: I ever felt.

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Speaker 3: As far as the changes you mean that you went through.

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Speaker 2: No, the desire for sex, and I didn't have anybody

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Speaker 2: in my life during that time, So yes, by all means, I.

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Speaker 1: Guess that's two thumbs up for sex toys. I'd also

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Speaker 1: say to you, nothing wrong with sex toys. But you

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Speaker 1: know what, maybe you'd like to look in to find

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Speaker 1: your relationship with a guy too. You know, it's not

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Speaker 1: one of the other, Rachel, it's not one of the.

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Speaker 3: Oh, it's both. Definitely both.

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Speaker 1: So good luck to you, and I hope you find

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Speaker 1: some great sex toys and hope you maybe find a

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Speaker 1: good relationship the womanizer.

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Speaker 2: Anyhow, Okay, thank you Rachel. Janet from Brentwood, California. My

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Speaker 2: youngest kid just left for college and I'm officially an

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Speaker 2: empty nester. I've been putting my dating life on the

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Speaker 2: back burner till my kids were grown. How soon into

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Speaker 2: dating someone should I bring them into my world with

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Speaker 2: my kids?

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Speaker 3: Well that's a personal.

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Speaker 2: Well so not the first date as well.

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Speaker 1: Her kids are older, So, Janet, your kids are older

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Speaker 1: and they're out of the house. So I think for

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Speaker 1: you it's a little bit different. I think when you

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Speaker 1: have young children, they're very impressionable. I think in your case,

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Speaker 1: we don't know, you know, if you're a widow, we

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Speaker 1: don't know if you're divorced, we don't know what your

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Speaker 1: kids think of their dad. All those things really matter.

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Speaker 1: But my advice you would be, don't bring somebody in

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Speaker 1: to meet your children unless it's somebody you think you

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Speaker 1: might want to have relationship with. Otherwise your kids are

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Speaker 1: going to go. Here comes the next one. Here it

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Speaker 1: comes the next one.

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Speaker 2: See how you feel about him when it's getting to

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Speaker 2: that point where you're in a committed relationship, if you will. Well,

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Speaker 2: some people don't bring them home for six months, and

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Speaker 2: I don't think that's fair for anybody.

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Speaker 3: You think you should meet the one's family.

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Speaker 1: Well, I agree, but again her children are older and

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Speaker 1: theoretically a little bit more and alone responsible and a

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Speaker 1: little bit more sophisticated. And understand we hope that their

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Speaker 1: mom wants to date. There's something wrong with that, but

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Speaker 1: I would not be saying, you know, this week it's Jack,

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Speaker 1: next week it's John. And by the way, I'll let

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Speaker 1: you meet Tom in two weeks. That's not going to

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Speaker 1: play well. But we wish you luck and the dating.

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Speaker 1: And can't get discouraged because Jannet, Can I ask a favor? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: not you, Susan a message, Janet, here's my favorite, Janet.

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Speaker 1: Can I have your cast offs? Can you send them

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Speaker 1: my way? You know I'm not that picky, so you know,

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Speaker 1: send me your send your cast offs. And who knows

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Speaker 1: we could have loved budding in the air at any moment.

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Speaker 3: All Right.

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Speaker 1: The next one is from Kristin, and she's from Paris, Texas.

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Speaker 1: And I know right where Paris, Texas is, Kristin, because

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Speaker 1: I've been through there. Okay, I've been seeing a guy

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Speaker 1: for four months. He's a single dad and I'm a

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Speaker 1: single mom. Every time we're together, his ex wife is

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Speaker 1: calling or blowing up his cell phone. I haven't met

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Speaker 1: her yet, But how do I approach him that it

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Speaker 1: bothers me without making myself sound clingy?

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Speaker 3: Four months?

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Speaker 1: Huh?

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Speaker 2: It's yeah, every time? I want to know, does he

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Speaker 2: complain about it as well?

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Speaker 3: Or is it just you? You're gonna have to bite

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Speaker 3: your tongue, sweetie.

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna what a chocker Susan you and are

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Speaker 1: going to disagree. Those of you don't listen to us regularly.

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Speaker 2: I don't think it would make her sound clingy by

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Speaker 2: complaining that's I wouldn't use the word clean.

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Speaker 1: I think I think what she's really saying is it

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Speaker 1: made my curse sound jealousy, like, do you still have

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Speaker 1: a thing? Here's what I want to know, christ annoying? Well,

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Speaker 1: here's Here's it depends why. If she is calling because

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Speaker 1: they have a child that has special needs, if there's

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Speaker 1: a reason, if she's blowing up his phone because, you know,

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Speaker 1: do you have the number of a good plumber because

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Speaker 1: my dishwasher just went out, I'd have a problem with that.

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Speaker 2: I think maybe wait, blowing up his phone because she

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Speaker 2: didn't want the divorce.

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Speaker 1: We don't know. What I'm saying is I'd wait a

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Speaker 1: few more months. And if this develops into a serious

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Speaker 1: relationship for you and you think you see a future

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Speaker 1: with this guy, then it's time to bring it up.

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Speaker 2: But something Kathy and I do agree on is communication. Conversation.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not trying to have it yet, but.

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Speaker 2: She's just seeing a guy. She's not saying she's in

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Speaker 2: a relationship for four months. She's seeing a guy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So, and let me just say, Kristen, if every

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Speaker 1: time you guys are together, his ex wife is calling

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Speaker 1: and or blowing up his cell phone, one of you

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Speaker 1: needs to go out and buy a lottery ticket because

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Speaker 1: the odds of that happening every time you're together, you're

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Speaker 1: either together twenty four to seven or she has you

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Speaker 1: know what, she's got an apple tag on him.

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Speaker 2: Maybe she knows been more than once while they were together,

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Speaker 2: and it's getting on on Kristen's nerves.

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Speaker 3: That's what I think.

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Speaker 1: I'd tread lightly Kristen for a little bit longer, and then.

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Speaker 3: Slow approach to this one, but have a conversation.

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Speaker 1: If it gets Yeah, I would absolutely do. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for sy snow, Kristin. And by the way, Paris, Texas

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Speaker 1: is a great place. You've chosen a good town to

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Speaker 1: live in, Okay.

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Speaker 2: Helen from Rutland, Virginia writes, I've been divorced for a

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Speaker 2: handful of years now and have decided I want something

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Speaker 2: less conventional the second time around. Dating someone long distance

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Speaker 2: seems appealing. What's one thing that no one anticipates though?

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Speaker 2: When they start doing that? Well, I can tell you

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Speaker 2: firsthand it seems easy, but it's not. It's some days

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Speaker 2: are more difficult, but you get through that. As long

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Speaker 2: as you have a plan for the next visit. That

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Speaker 2: always helps. It is appealing because they're not underfoot twenty

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Speaker 2: four to seven. You know you've been on your own

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Speaker 2: for a while. I know I've been, you know, by

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Speaker 2: myself for a while. And when he is here for

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Speaker 2: two weeks, I love every minute of it. But it's like,

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Speaker 2: oh my god. And then he leaves and she calls me,

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Speaker 2: clean this up, do this, do this, shut the door.

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Speaker 1: Here's what I think. I don't. I have never dated

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Speaker 1: someone long distance, but I can imagine that no one

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Speaker 1: would anticipate that maybe one or the other of you

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Speaker 1: form stronger feelings and you don't want to be long

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Speaker 1: distance anymore. Or you say right now, Helen, that you'd

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Speaker 1: like to be a dating long distance. It seems appealing,

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Speaker 1: it's less conventional. It allows you to be in your lane,

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Speaker 1: by yourself. Sometimes it allows you to be with him.

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Speaker 1: But here's the thing. Once you're with him for a

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Speaker 1: while or he with you, you might change your mind

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Speaker 1: or he might change his mind. And then here's the issue.

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Speaker 1: You fall in love, he falls in love. You really

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Speaker 1: down the road, you see yourself wanting to spend twenty

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Speaker 1: four to seven oops, you're leaving Rutland, Virginia, or he's

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Speaker 1: arriving on your doorstep, and you don't anticipate that, thinking.

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Speaker 3: It sounds good, and it is good.

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Speaker 2: It is, But then it also depends on how far

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Speaker 2: of a long distance. Yeah, if he's in Europe, that's

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Speaker 2: a hell of a plane ride.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm guessing you know she's she's thinking

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Speaker 1: probably another state. But I also would say one other thing.

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Speaker 1: You said, what's one thing? Let me give you one

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Speaker 1: other thing that I don't think people are into topate.

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Speaker 1: When you're with someone all the time, it's it doesn't

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Speaker 1: take long till you see that they leave their socks

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Speaker 1: in the middle of the bedroom. But when you but

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Speaker 1: when you see them on an occasional basis, everybody's on

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Speaker 1: their best behavior, and so you may or may not

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Speaker 1: get to know the real person until you spend extended

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Speaker 1: amount of time together.

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Speaker 4: So so maybe though that's what she's wanted to know,

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Speaker 4: and that's there's nothing wrong with no.

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Speaker 1: And again, Helen, there's a common theme here. Send me

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Speaker 1: your cast off too, Thank you so much. We have

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Speaker 1: one from Lindsay from Newport Beach, California. Here we go.

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Speaker 1: My ex husband and I are going through a long,

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Speaker 1: contentious divorce. It's been over two years and I don't

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Speaker 1: know when it will end. We've both moved on. He

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Speaker 1: is in another relationship and I've been dating someone for

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Speaker 1: six months. My kids have no problem with their dad dating,

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Speaker 1: but are upset with me and treat my boyfriend terribly

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Speaker 1: when he's around. What should I do? My exes? No help?

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Speaker 1: What should you do? Well? First of all, I got

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Speaker 1: some humor in here. You know, when the divorce, you know,

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Speaker 1: in the contentious divorce is going to be over, when

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Speaker 1: the lawyers cannot rent one more dollars for either one

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Speaker 1: of yours, that's my other. You know what, kids, I

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Speaker 1: have to be honest with her. My kids struggle until recently,

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Speaker 1: and I've been single now six years. Until recently, my

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Speaker 1: kids have struggled with me, particularly my daughter. Bringing a

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Speaker 1: man into my life. Your kids, uh, six months probably

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Speaker 1: seems a long time to you. I wonder how old

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Speaker 1: your kids are because that makes a difference how old

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Speaker 1: your kids are.

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Speaker 4: Also, do your kids live with you? Because they don't

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Speaker 4: have a problem with their dad? Because I'm sure if

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Speaker 4: he gets them every other weekend, he's not with that person.

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Speaker 4: You know, when she's with somebody and they live with her,

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Speaker 4: they're seeing him. As she says, they treat him awful.

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Speaker 1: Right, But she said, but she said, the kids have

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Speaker 1: no problem with their dad dating, So you're right.

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Speaker 3: I know he's dating, but maybe it's not in their face.

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Speaker 1: And you know what, maybe that's, lindsay, something to try.

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Speaker 1: Maybe don't date, get a babysitter, don't bring him home,

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Speaker 1: go out, you know.

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Speaker 2: Not only that, depending on how old the children are,

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Speaker 2: you have a conversation with them too. Hey, I'm alive.

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Speaker 2: There's nothing you know what with eating. I'm going to

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Speaker 2: move on.

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Speaker 1: So my parents were divorced when I was six, and

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Speaker 1: that is not a conversation that I would have understood.

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Speaker 1: That's why I says, Well, we don't know how older children. Oh,

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Speaker 1: that's why I said, so you know, if they're teenagers,

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Speaker 1: let's just be let's just cut caught what it is.

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Speaker 1: Teenagers tend to be selfish and only think of themselves.

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Speaker 1: So you know, they want to ride to the skating rink.

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Speaker 1: They don't want you out on a date. I mean,

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Speaker 1: there's we don't have enough information here, lindsay, but give

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Speaker 1: it again, give it some time, give it time, don't

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Speaker 1: don't push your kids. Just remember it's been a contentious

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Speaker 1: divorce for you, but it's also been tough for them.

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Speaker 1: They've lost their family.

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Speaker 2: You have noticed that, you said, my ex is no help.

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Speaker 2: What do you expect him to help with? You want

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Speaker 2: him to talk to your children? Maybe and say it's

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Speaker 2: okay that mom dates, like I don't understand that part.

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Speaker 1: That's probably what she's thinking. That dad could say, Hey,

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Speaker 1: you know you don't mind being dating, right, you know

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Speaker 1: you don't mind I'm dating Louise. Your mother should be

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Speaker 1: able to date Joe. Good luck. Divorce. Divorce sucks, it's hard.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you're be kind to yourself too, you know.

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Speaker 3: You're give it some time, Give it some.

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Speaker 1: Time, give yourself the great, the great.

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Speaker 3: My boys.

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Speaker 2: I've been divorced eighteen years and my boys still don't

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Speaker 2: want to meet anybody.

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Speaker 1: That's a whole nother question for a whole nother podcast.

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Speaker 1: It's called you know, send them upstairs for the Kedemine therapy.

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Speaker 1: All right. The next one is from.

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Speaker 3: David in Manhattan.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, I'm retired and my wife passed away more

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Speaker 1: than a decade ago. Since then, my only focus was

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Speaker 1: raising our kids. I have built a lot of financial

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Speaker 1: security for myself and my kids. Now that I'm dating again,

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Speaker 1: how do I bring up the nancys because it's important

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Speaker 1: to me and I'm not going to do anything that

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Speaker 1: would impact my kids negatively.

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Speaker 2: Well, I don't blame me there, but I mean, you're

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Speaker 2: just dating. There's no reason for that conversation immediately.

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Speaker 1: Well, and let me just say, I think this is

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Speaker 1: a tricky one. Yeah, And it's tricky because you have

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Speaker 1: built financial security for yourself and your children. And I

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Speaker 1: feel exactly the same way. My husband passed away, as

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Speaker 1: I said, six years ago, and the money I have,

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Speaker 1: I'm financially secure. My husband and I worked hard for

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Speaker 1: that income, and I want my kids to benefit from

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Speaker 1: that when I go. So I don't think David, that

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Speaker 1: you have to bring it up right now. I think

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Speaker 1: that only.

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Speaker 2: If you're getting serious, moving in together or remarrying.

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Speaker 1: But I think before you remarry, before you move in,

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Speaker 1: you would have just like if you, David, just as

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Speaker 1: if you were dating for the first time, you know,

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Speaker 1: you had no kids, you would talk about do you

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Speaker 1: want kids? Are we going to have a joint checking account,

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Speaker 1: who's going to pay the bills, how are we going

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Speaker 1: to pay the bills, who's going to do the laundry?

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Speaker 1: You know, if and when it gets to that time

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Speaker 1: with a potential mate, that's when you have those conversations.

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Speaker 1: You You don't say to her, hey, let's move in

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Speaker 1: together and then have the conversation.

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Speaker 3: Called a prenup. If you get married right.

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Speaker 1: Well, yeah, and then find a good lawyer who can

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Speaker 1: break it.

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Speaker 2: David, good luck, But don't be real quick to bring

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Speaker 2: that up, because you'll turn somebody right off. And hopefully

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Speaker 2: you'll find somebody that's comfortable financially themselves and that won't

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Speaker 2: be a problem.

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Speaker 1: Hold on, I just got a quick follow up here.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm an attorney. Quick follow up, quick

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Speaker 1: follow up question.

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Speaker 3: You'd be good.

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Speaker 1: I want to go to law school. Just couldn't couldn't

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Speaker 1: get together. Here's here's my question for you. If if

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Speaker 1: you are dating someone of means and you have means

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Speaker 1: whose means pay first? And by that I mean what

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Speaker 1: do you mean? I mean seriously? Yeah, like, think about it.

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Speaker 1: If he if David from Manhattan finds a woman with means.

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Speaker 3: It's the same as he has.

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Speaker 1: Are we cutting it fifty to fifty?

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Speaker 3: I guess?

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Speaker 1: So I don't want to. I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: told I'm an old time princess.

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Speaker 4: Oh oh, don't you dare said princess? Emphasis on the

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Speaker 4: old Okay, we have a thing about the word princess. Okay,

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Speaker 4: you know, be stor right. The next one is from

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Speaker 4: Chelsea from Phoenix, Arizona. My ex husband cheated on me

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Speaker 4: and started a relationship with the woman he had an

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Speaker 4: affair with. They ended up getting married, and after seven years,

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Speaker 4: she's now found out he cheated on her. She's trying

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Speaker 4: to turn to me for sympathy. I feel bad, but

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Speaker 4: what do I do? She's the reason my marriage ended.

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Speaker 1: Can I answer this question?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I'm going to too, but go right in this one.

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Speaker 1: To me, honestly, Susan is so simple. I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to say what many women say is wants a cheater,

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Speaker 1: always a cheater. Now, I'm not going to say that.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to say, why would you want anything to

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Speaker 1: do with a woman who, theoretically, in your words, is

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Speaker 1: the reason your marriage ended? So you know what, It's

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Speaker 1: called busy signal. That's showing my age. If she calls,

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Speaker 1: block her email, don't answer her text, and if she persists,

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Speaker 1: say you know, Louise for the name of the day, Louise,

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Speaker 1: I'm really sorry. I guess you know how I felt now,

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Speaker 1: but we're going to go our separate ways. I've built

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Speaker 1: a new life and I suggest you do the same.

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Speaker 1: Be nice, be firm, be polite it's over, or or

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Speaker 1: you'd be more like me. Oh god, Susan's going to

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Speaker 1: invite you over for tea.

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Speaker 2: After seven years, I'm well over it, and I would

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Speaker 2: feel bad and bring her hugger and says and one

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Speaker 2: of the things I could say, as you just did,

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Speaker 2: that's exactly how I felt. I know what you're feeling,

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Speaker 2: and I feel for you.

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Speaker 1: And then the conversation is over.

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Speaker 3: I can't fix it. And where do I want to

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Speaker 3: be your best friend? I'll hold her hand.

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Speaker 2: No, I'm not going to ignore her and make her

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Speaker 2: go away busy signal.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to say, give me pleasu sure to hug her.

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Speaker 1: See.

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Speaker 4: See, this is the different, This is the That's exactly

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Speaker 4: how you feel right now is what I went through. However,

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Speaker 4: it's been seven years and I'm over it, so bringing in,

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Speaker 4: let me give you a hug.

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Speaker 1: But really you're being like it. But you know what,

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Speaker 1: I don't know because I never was cheated on. But

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Speaker 1: but Chelsea, I don't blame you if you're not over it.

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Speaker 1: I think that's.

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Speaker 4: Really feel But what do I do you do? What

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Speaker 4: makes what you are comfortable with?

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Speaker 1: I mean you if you are looking to Susan and

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Speaker 1: me for approval to tell her, you know, you take

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Speaker 1: a short trip off a long pier. That's you don't

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Speaker 1: need our permission do it. If you want to be

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Speaker 1: the hug it out Susan type, you don't need our

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Speaker 1: permission to do that either. I myself would not answer

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Speaker 1: the phone, block her calls. And if I saw in

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Speaker 1: the grocery aisle, you know, in the peanut butter aisle,

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Speaker 1: and she came up to me and said let's have coffee,

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Speaker 1: I'd really like to talk with you. I would say, Louise,

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Speaker 1: you know what now you know how I feel or

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Speaker 1: how I felt seven years ago. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: go back and relive what I had to go through

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Speaker 1: when John or had an affair with you. So I

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Speaker 1: wish you all the best, but I have to go

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Speaker 1: pick up my turkey in the deli aisle.

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Speaker 2: Now, so where she can also say to her for

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Speaker 2: the next one, how would you feel when the person

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Speaker 2: that he cheated on you with seven years?

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Speaker 3: What are you going to hug them? What do you

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Speaker 3: want me to do for you?

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Speaker 1: Susan. Don't ask a question that you either know the

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Speaker 1: answer to or you don't want the answer. Okay, well

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Speaker 1: you know what that's but you know what you do,

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Speaker 1: what you want to do, whatever, and write snow Chelsea personally.

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Speaker 3: But an ass he's an.

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Speaker 1: Oh now it comes out. Oh wait, what happened to

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Speaker 1: the hugged out her?

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Speaker 3: Kumba said him.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure he's a lovely man. All right. Well, thanks

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Speaker 1: everybody for writing in. Keep your questions coming. This podcast

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Speaker 1: is all about you, the listeners.

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00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:13,760
Speaker 2: And if you're dealing with a difficult X bouncing back

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Speaker 2: after divorce, need some guidance, call us or email us.

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Speaker 2: All the info is in the show notes.

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Speaker 1: Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review

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00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:26,560
Speaker 1: the podcast.

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Speaker 2: I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where falling in

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00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,720
Speaker 2: love is the main objective