Speaker 1: Hi everybody. Hi, it's Chelsea and Catherine.
Speaker 2: Hi.
Speaker 1: Hi, we're here podcasting.
Speaker 2: Here in Los Angeles. It's finally almost summer.
Speaker 3: Yes, it is summer, even though it's going to be
Speaker 3: summer all year round from now on because our planet
Speaker 3: is dying unfortunately.
Speaker 2: That is correct.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the show.
Speaker 2: Just a little uplifting positivity for your Oh.
Speaker 1: You know who's specially. I watched Hannah Gatsby. Yes, not
Speaker 1: a new one. No, I watched both of her. I
Speaker 1: watched her second.
Speaker 3: I had seen her first one. I didn't realize I
Speaker 3: had missed one. So there was a second one, which
Speaker 3: is fucking awesome. And then I watched her third one,
Speaker 3: which is also awesome. But the second one she has
Speaker 3: the best closing line.
Speaker 1: It's so good.
Speaker 3: The second one is really good. I would really recommend
Speaker 3: everyone see it. It's called Douglas.
Speaker 2: I am just looking at this. I saw something about
Speaker 2: it a couple days ago. I'm gonna have to check
Speaker 2: it out.
Speaker 3: Yeah, when we're on the road, we just have like
Speaker 3: these transport vands. They have TVs in them that we all.
Speaker 3: You know, it's kind of like a mini tour bus
Speaker 3: for if it's like a two or three hour drive.
Speaker 3: So we watch all sorts of stuff. And we watched
Speaker 3: Jennifer Lopez's Mother. That was absolutely ridiculous. I mean, like, what,
Speaker 3: it's the same movie that Eric Bannon did when he
Speaker 3: was stuck in the woods with his daughter, but now
Speaker 3: it's Jennifer Lopez and it's just ridiculous.
Speaker 1: First of all, she's too beautiful to pay attention to
Speaker 1: any storyline.
Speaker 3: It doesn't I mean, I guess that's why they do
Speaker 3: these movies, because it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: She's just like sparkly and glowy and greta.
Speaker 1: It was just yeah.
Speaker 2: So anyway, I love a fun, silly movie. We watched
Speaker 2: a girlfriend of mine came over and we love to
Speaker 2: watch horror movies and thrillers. We watched this movie called Fall,
Speaker 2: which is the entire movie is these two girls stuck
Speaker 2: at the top of like a TV tower and they
Speaker 2: have to like figure out how to get down. We're like,
Speaker 2: how do you set an hour and a half movie
Speaker 2: up there? But it was actually had a surprising fun
Speaker 2: twist and was pretty good. I like a good bad
Speaker 2: movie sometimes, you know what.
Speaker 3: The best show that I've seen recently, obviously, Succession is
Speaker 3: in the top five of course all time.
Speaker 1: H is the Elizabeth also Love and Death, Love and Death.
Speaker 3: Yes, that girl is so fucking talented and such a
Speaker 3: good actress.
Speaker 1: Everyone in that is so good. Yeah, that was great.
Speaker 1: Great television. Have you seen did you watch Jury Duty? No?
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, it's on Amazon. It's like sort of
Speaker 2: documentary style. It's about like they do a documentary of
Speaker 2: going to jury duty in la and everyone is an
Speaker 2: actor except for one guy who doesn't know everybody else's actors.
Speaker 2: And it is one of my favorite things that I've
Speaker 2: watched in a long time. It is so fun. James
Speaker 2: Marsden is in it as sort of like the actor
Speaker 2: who got hauled into jury duty, and it's it's really really.
Speaker 1: And everyone else is not a famous actor.
Speaker 2: No, yeah, like a couple people are from Parks and
Speaker 2: record this, this, that and the other thing.
Speaker 3: That's an original idea, right, and it just is the
Speaker 3: most charming, wonderful thing.
Speaker 2: The guy who doesn't know that it's all a ruse
Speaker 2: is like such a sweet, angelic kid who like wants
Speaker 2: the best for everybody and just as like everything is
Speaker 2: so many weird things keep happening.
Speaker 1: It's really really to I.
Speaker 3: Had something very strange happened, and it was on Mother's Day.
Speaker 3: My mother is always fucking with me from wherever she
Speaker 3: is hanging out, which is I think, right over my head.
Speaker 3: But I have these earrings, these light earrings that I wear.
Speaker 1: And I woke up in New York. I was in
Speaker 1: New York last week.
Speaker 3: I woke up my earring was gone out of one
Speaker 3: ear and the other one was in one ear, and
Speaker 3: I was like, I lost that one.
Speaker 1: I get home that.
Speaker 3: Night, I don't see it anywhere. I wake up in
Speaker 3: the morning and the earrings in my ear no. And
Speaker 3: I was like, okay, well I was either stoned or
Speaker 3: drunk or something, and I messed that up. The next night,
Speaker 3: I go to bed, I wake up, the earrings out
Speaker 3: of the other ear. I go in the bed, I'm
Speaker 3: looking for like my earring. I don't find it, and
Speaker 3: I'm like, okay. I come home and I wake up
Speaker 3: in the morning and my earrings back in my ear
Speaker 3: That's wow. The second time, I said to my security,
Speaker 3: I said to my assistant, I said to my crew,
Speaker 3: I was like, guys, I just want you to know
Speaker 3: I had no earing in It happened a third time.
Speaker 1: I go, oh, my earring's missing again.
Speaker 3: And I said to Carla, I'm like, I'm telling you,
Speaker 3: this has happened two nights in a row. I didn't
Speaker 3: say anything because it sounds so so crazy, but so
Speaker 3: I kept it to myself because I'm like, only I
Speaker 3: need to know.
Speaker 1: About these things.
Speaker 3: And I said, I just want you to know this
Speaker 3: earring's gone. Right, guys, look at my ear it's gone.
Speaker 1: And they're all like, yeah, you idiot. Whatever.
Speaker 3: And then next morning, guess whose earring was back in?
Speaker 3: Three times it happened to.
Speaker 1: Me, what what do you think it was again?
Speaker 3: This one is in and this one's out. I woke
Speaker 3: up this morning and it's pressing again. What And so
Speaker 3: I'm just like waiting for something my mother to put
Speaker 3: it back in my ear It's so crazy.
Speaker 2: Maybe she really likes that pair of earrings.
Speaker 3: My mom would totally do. I just didn't think they
Speaker 3: could touch you, but who knows? Why not touch you?
Speaker 2: Do you ever have those like oh you do, like
Speaker 2: those little like stones and crystals and things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I meditate with crystals like a real mess.
Speaker 2: Are so brad And I have a reiki lady back
Speaker 2: in US. We go Illinois and she's like Yeah, when
Speaker 2: you don't need them anymore, they'll wander off, and it's
Speaker 2: absolutely true they do, and then sometimes they wander right
Speaker 2: back into your life. It's the weirdest thing.
Speaker 1: The people from the little rocks, oh, the little crystals.
Speaker 2: It's like when you don't need them, they like disappear,
Speaker 2: and then sometimes they'll reappear, like I keep some in
Speaker 2: my purse, and like sometimes one of them will wander
Speaker 2: away maybe never come back, and then maybe I'll come
Speaker 2: back like a year later. It's the weirdest thing. It's weird.
Speaker 1: It's weird.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Even Brad has a little what do you call it,
Speaker 2: your love rock, You're it's my adventure stone, his adventurous downe.
Speaker 2: It's a good reminder of good things to come. Chelsea.
Speaker 2: I have some very fun updates.
Speaker 1: Oh okay.
Speaker 2: This email is from Julia. She says I was the
Speaker 2: private chef considering moving to the Pacific Northwest on the
Speaker 2: Psychic Medium episode. I made the move, still getting my
Speaker 2: footage and figuring out a new routine on my own.
Speaker 2: But I just listened to the Dylan mulvaney episode with
Speaker 2: Dane who's trans and doesn't have a big community in Portland.
Speaker 2: I'm a sis woman, but I thought i'd see if
Speaker 2: he wanted to be connected, just to have a friend,
Speaker 2: especially since I'm new since February and don't know too
Speaker 2: many people. I live in Vancouver, so just across the bridge.
Speaker 2: Thank you again, Julia, and I got so many emails
Speaker 2: from people being like, I'm in Portland, I'm trans or
Speaker 2: I'm in Portland. I'd love to reach out to Dane,
Speaker 2: and so I passed him along all of those.
Speaker 1: Is that amazing? Yeah, nice listeners, you guys. I just
Speaker 1: way to build a community.
Speaker 2: I know, I love it, and I love it. It was
Speaker 2: just a caller from recently who's going to get connected.
Speaker 2: Another update from Meg, who had the new baby. She
Speaker 2: was Mormon divorcing her husband on our Heather Gay episode,
Speaker 2: so she says, Dear Chelsea, Heather and Catherine, I got
Speaker 2: to listen back to your advice when the Bad Mormon
Speaker 2: episode was released and I needed to reach out to
Speaker 2: thank you. Your advice remains as grounding and centering as
Speaker 2: the day we met, even more so now that my
Speaker 2: ex has a new girlfriend. Chelsea was so right. The
Speaker 2: fear of it was far worse than the reality. We
Speaker 2: found a place for me soon to be ex husbands girlfriend.
Speaker 2: Yes outside of their house than uh, it's walking distance
Speaker 2: from my house, and we'll continue to co parent from
Speaker 2: a safer emotional distance starting next week. In watching my
Speaker 2: ex be free and date, I think it's safe to
Speaker 2: say that, as Heather predicted, my hoore phase has definitely begun.
Speaker 2: I've found myself a talented, super hot hook up for
Speaker 2: now who has hey yeah, who has graciously accepted the
Speaker 2: challenge of scheduling casual sex around a mom's shared custody agreement.
Speaker 2: I'm not ready for anything serious, but when i am,
Speaker 2: I'll be sure to use your incredibly kind remarks about
Speaker 2: my cuteness to hype me up before each date. Please
Speaker 2: know I was sitting in front of a seasonal depression
Speaker 2: lamp that would make anyone look super hot. Also, my
Speaker 2: principal from a school I worked in years ago called
Speaker 2: me up out of the blue and is working with
Speaker 2: me to design a position at the school in which
Speaker 2: I will be a social emotional behavioral coach for students
Speaker 2: as I apply for counseling psychology programs in the fall,
Speaker 2: which is awesome because that was like one of her
Speaker 2: concerns bringing in money and that guy just contacted.
Speaker 1: Her out of the blood.
Speaker 3: That is called when you get your ducks in a row,
Speaker 3: the good things come your way. Yes, yes, when you
Speaker 3: raise your frequency, people with raised frequencies come your way,
Speaker 3: and opportunity arises, and then abundance.
Speaker 2: And this next line I loved. She goes very little
Speaker 2: is settled, for sure, but so much is taking shape.
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for your wonderful advice that helped and
Speaker 2: is still helping me to stay patient and strong and
Speaker 2: so many moments of uncertainty.
Speaker 1: Chelsea.
Speaker 2: You mentioned in a recent podcast you'd like to hop
Speaker 2: off the karmic wheel for a while and be a
Speaker 2: light worker or something.
Speaker 1: Did I so, I was pretty stoned.
Speaker 2: I know what you meant, and I hope you're granted
Speaker 2: a much deserved reprieve next lifetime. But I also hope
Speaker 2: you know the work you're doing here on Earth now
Speaker 2: is light work on a grand scale. The ripples go
Speaker 2: farther than you'll ever get to see. Thank you all
Speaker 2: for your kindness, authenticity and light in the world. With
Speaker 2: love and gratitude.
Speaker 1: Meg, That's nice, very so wonderful, good good.
Speaker 3: I'm hoping this podcast absolves me of going straight to
Speaker 3: fucking hell.
Speaker 1: I think so.
Speaker 2: Well, Chelsea. We're going to head into our calling in
Speaker 2: backup segment with Better Help, who is sponsoring this segment,
Speaker 2: and today Courtney Cope is joining us licensed marriage family
Speaker 2: therapist and principal clinical operations manager at Betterhelp. Hi Courtney, Hi, Courtney, Hi,
Speaker 2: great to see you both. Hi well, Angela writes Dear Chelsea.
Speaker 2: Before I go any further, I just want to point
Speaker 2: out that I love my mother in law dearly, but
Speaker 2: I really could use some advice on how to deal
Speaker 2: with her in certain situations. I need to rewind a
Speaker 2: bit before I was in the picture. My partner, who
Speaker 2: now thirty seven, lost his sister to cancer when she
Speaker 2: was just fifteen and he was ten. As anyone can imagine,
Speaker 2: this completely broke them as a family and changed them completely.
Speaker 2: We have a one year old little boy, and since
Speaker 2: having him, I have so much more empathy for what
Speaker 2: they all went through. However, every time we're together, his
Speaker 2: mom breaks down in tears. The crying isn't always about
Speaker 2: her late daughter. Of course, I will always comfort and
Speaker 2: listen when she speaks about her. This will never be
Speaker 2: an issue for me, but it can be over anything.
Speaker 2: It can be over casual conversation about the weather, about
Speaker 2: what books we're reading, even what we may be having
Speaker 2: for tea that evening. A lot of the conversations we have,
Speaker 2: I find she often puts a negative, debbie downer spin
Speaker 2: on it. She'll cry and get emotional at other people's
Speaker 2: problems too, even people she barely knows. But lately, I
Speaker 2: just feel like every time we're due to see her,
Speaker 2: I instantly start to feel miserable. It's like I'm anticipating
Speaker 2: the emotions that are about to come, and I feel
Speaker 2: like the life and happiness has been drained from me
Speaker 2: when I leave her. She also has a tendency to
Speaker 2: make everything about her, which is extremely annoying. I completely
Speaker 2: understand why she has this dark side to her, given
Speaker 2: everything that's happened in the past. I'd never want her
Speaker 2: to feel like she can't talk about her daughter to me.
Speaker 2: I'll hold her hand and cry and laugh on the occasion,
Speaker 2: but I can't deal with the constant downing of everything else.
Speaker 2: So do you have any advice on how I can
Speaker 2: handle this going forward. I always try and make light
Speaker 2: of the situations, but it rarely works. Thanks for taking
Speaker 2: the time to read this Angela.
Speaker 4: Well, Angela, I can't tell you how many therapy sessions
Speaker 4: I've had that started off with. First of all, I
Speaker 4: want to point out that I love my mother in law, dearlief,
Speaker 4: but so again super common. I want to say, I
Speaker 4: don't think this is a question about grief. This is
Speaker 4: really a question about this woman is feeling trapped and
Speaker 4: not like she can do anything about the situation or
Speaker 4: that her efforts to change it in the past had
Speaker 4: been unsuccessful. And ideally, in a situation like this, I
Speaker 4: would love to see husband and wife sit down to
Speaker 4: you together, discuss this as a unit, and perhaps even
Speaker 4: take two to three sessions with a couple's therapists to
Speaker 4: explore some solutions, because this is really about the husband,
Speaker 4: the wife, and now their new one year old child
Speaker 4: as a unit, deciding how they want to move forward
Speaker 4: with the relationship with his parents in a way that
Speaker 4: works for their family unit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's good advice because you do need
Speaker 3: like a team member because she does feel so trapped,
Speaker 3: Like the idea of having to hang out with somebody
Speaker 3: that's such a Debbie downer and knowing that it's an
Speaker 3: obligation of yours by way of marriage isn't fair. It's
Speaker 3: just not only to a degree and you've reached your limit.
Speaker 4: It sounds like right, And the general consensus among most
Speaker 4: couples therapy experts is that it's really important that an
Speaker 4: adult child, when they're now engaging in an intimate adult
Speaker 4: relationship like a marriage, a domestic partnership, they have to
Speaker 4: choose their partner over their parent. And what I mean
Speaker 4: by that is, if something isn't working for their partner
Speaker 4: or something's affecting them partner, they have to prioritize their
Speaker 4: partner's feelings over their parents in order to be able
Speaker 4: to move forward and have a healthy, well not only
Speaker 4: a healthy relationship, but a healthy adult experience, because no
Speaker 4: adult should be under the thumb of their mother or
Speaker 4: father's will imperpetuity, right, that would just hinder them as
Speaker 4: an adult for the rest of their life. So that
Speaker 4: would be what I would say about that. But also
Speaker 4: I just of course have to say losing a child
Speaker 4: is of course considered one of the most ultimate tragedies
Speaker 4: and of course is going to impact somebody for the
Speaker 4: rest of their life in.
Speaker 5: Some way or another.
Speaker 4: That being said, it is not this person's job to
Speaker 4: be their mother in law's therapist to sit down and
Speaker 4: find solutions specific.
Speaker 1: For their mother in law.
Speaker 4: So this is really I think about the husband and
Speaker 4: wife having constructive conversations here.
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, because it is his responsibility to get the
Speaker 3: situation started.
Speaker 1: You know, it's his mom.
Speaker 2: And when that moment comes and you're like sitting around
Speaker 2: the table talking about literally the weather, and she breaks
Speaker 2: down in tears.
Speaker 1: What's the move?
Speaker 2: I mean, my instinct is to be like, I'm going
Speaker 2: to give you a couple minutes, like they're ver, I'm
Speaker 2: going to give you a couple of minutes and walk away,
Speaker 2: But like that also feels a little icy cold from me.
Speaker 2: What's what's the move to like sort of break the
Speaker 2: cycle that she knows is coming multiple times in every visit.
Speaker 4: Right, in an ideal world, we would have husband and
Speaker 4: wife ahead of time, deciding like, hey, if mom starts
Speaker 4: crying or mother in law starts crying at this visit,
Speaker 4: husband is gonna step in and he's gonna take over
Speaker 4: say something. Wife can excuse herself whatever it is, but
Speaker 4: let's just say it's just her and mother in law.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 4: I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding ahead of time,
Speaker 4: What do I have capacity for if I don't want
Speaker 4: to go down this road for more than fifteen seconds
Speaker 4: or thirty five seconds. Doing exactly what you you said,
Speaker 4: Catherine is totally appropriate, Like I hear you and I'm
Speaker 4: gonna step outside and get some fresh air. You know,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna go pour another cup of tea. Anything to
Speaker 4: pattern interrupt would be really useful. But the other thing
Speaker 4: I would also encourage is to have husband and wife
Speaker 4: ahead of time, maybe start looking at the ways they're
Speaker 4: spending time with mother in law and if there's ways
Speaker 4: they can redirect that quality time together into avenues that
Speaker 4: maybe won't bring it about as much. Now I want
Speaker 4: to acknowledge they might be limited. They have a one
Speaker 4: year old, so it's not like they can take the
Speaker 4: one year old and just like go to theater or
Speaker 4: movies with the mother.
Speaker 1: About taking your mother's skiing, I hear Chelsea's good at that.
Speaker 4: So they definitely want to do things that are not
Speaker 4: just sitting and staring at each other across from their
Speaker 4: cup of tea, right because that's going to invite probably
Speaker 4: conversations that they don't want to have. So thinking ahead
Speaker 4: of time of what they could do having a plan
Speaker 4: with her husband that if it does come up, what's
Speaker 4: he going to do to step in. And then the
Speaker 4: last thing I'll say is, if someone is going to
Speaker 4: speak directly to the mother in law about her behavior
Speaker 4: or her grief or how anything she's doing is impacting anyone,
Speaker 4: it has to be from the husband. I would say
Speaker 4: it would be very difficult for that conversation to go
Speaker 4: well if it came from the wife. And if it
Speaker 4: comes from the husband, him and his mom have a
Speaker 4: shared experience of grief. They both lost a loved one,
Speaker 4: and so I think even for him to be able
Speaker 4: to say, you know, I get it. It's so hard.
Speaker 4: We lost this person that we love and I'm working
Speaker 4: to be more in the moment, and I'd love for
Speaker 4: you to be more in the moment with me. Just
Speaker 4: something that relates to her instead of shaming her blaming her,
Speaker 4: I think would be really important here.
Speaker 2: I really love that. Well, Courtney, Thank you. Courtney Cope
Speaker 2: is a licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical
Speaker 2: operations manager at Betterhelp. And of course, thank you again
Speaker 2: to Better Help for sponsoring calling him back up.
Speaker 4: Thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 2: Thanks cordingks so let's take a quick break and we'll
Speaker 2: be right back to take some callers.
Speaker 3: Okay, and we're back.
Speaker 2: We are all right. Our first two questions are kind
Speaker 2: of two sides of the same coin, so I was
Speaker 2: really curious what you'll have to say about tho, Chelsea.
Speaker 2: Our first question comes from Michael. He's in Palm Springs.
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, I've been a sex researcher for the past
Speaker 2: twenty years. In my field, I've worked closely with some
Speaker 2: of the smartest women possible. I've studied women and men
Speaker 2: my entire career, from their sexual practices to their relationships,
Speaker 2: to their use of vibrators and other toys. My research
Speaker 2: partners have largely been women, and most of my true
Speaker 2: best friends are women. However, I'm starting to develop a
Speaker 2: sense of anger at some women, loud straight women, and
Speaker 2: I can't seem to shake it. A few years ago,
Speaker 2: I left my academic career to move to Palm Springs
Speaker 2: with my husband, who got a job offer we couldn't refuse.
Speaker 2: You know what that means. Literally everyone I interact with
Speaker 2: is a gay man in this city, and I'm rarely
Speaker 2: around women unless a friend comes to visit. My husband
Speaker 2: and I go hiking several times per week in the
Speaker 2: local mountains. Almost every time we run into a group
Speaker 2: of young women, loud, screaming women who literally never shut
Speaker 2: up during the entire hike. They're always screaming about some randomness,
Speaker 2: and you can just hear their voices regardless of how
Speaker 2: far ahead we get past them. They are pushing me
Speaker 2: over the edge. If it's a woman with a man,
Speaker 2: the woman is always talking. I don't understand why they
Speaker 2: can't just enjoy the beauty of the desert and shut
Speaker 2: the fuck up every now and then. And it's not
Speaker 2: just hiking. For some reason, every group of women that
Speaker 2: comes to Palm Springs thinks that they are just what
Speaker 2: gay men are waiting for to make their day. They
Speaker 2: come into gay bars and packs and literally scream the
Speaker 2: entire time, acting like they're doing something original and that
Speaker 2: we should appreciate that they came to a gay bar.
Speaker 2: On a recent podcast, you said you have a friend
Speaker 2: who never shuts the fuck up, so I know you
Speaker 2: can relate, but I do need some advice. Am I
Speaker 2: just being a prick and becoming sexist? Or is it
Speaker 2: really the case that some women just don't ever stop talking?
Speaker 2: I don't want to confront these women. What could I
Speaker 2: possibly say? So I'm just carrying around this anger and
Speaker 2: anxiety about them instead. Any advice you can offer would
Speaker 2: be much appreciated. Michael.
Speaker 1: Hi, Michael. First of all, this is a you problem.
Speaker 1: These women are. They're out in public spaces.
Speaker 3: I understand that you want your bar to yourself without
Speaker 3: these loud, obnoxious women, but you cannot. That's too discriminatory
Speaker 3: to say you can't come in here. I don't want
Speaker 3: you here on my hike. I don't want you here
Speaker 3: in my gay bar. Like this reminds me of an
Speaker 3: article I read over the weekend about they were making
Speaker 3: in South Korea. They have public spaces that are child
Speaker 3: free zones where you're not allowed to have children, but
Speaker 3: it's a public space. And even I don't agree with that.
Speaker 3: My children are a part of our human family. You
Speaker 3: don't have to have them, but you can't outlaw them,
Speaker 3: like if I mean, and this is me, everybody, like
Speaker 3: we all know how I feel. So like I was
Speaker 3: just like South Korea, what the fuck? You're in a
Speaker 3: park and they're like, no children in this area.
Speaker 1: I don't I'm not.
Speaker 2: A non smoking that's a private business.
Speaker 3: If you have a business, fine, you know, and you
Speaker 3: want to do that, that's that's one thing. But public
Speaker 3: areas are for everybody, whether you agree with them or
Speaker 3: you disagree with them. Now, why you're so irritated by
Speaker 3: these women is an inside question for you that you
Speaker 3: need to figure out, because sometimes you can tolerate people
Speaker 3: that are annoying, and sometimes people.
Speaker 1: Can't tolerate people that are annoying.
Speaker 3: And I understand, believe me, I'm a highly irritable person.
Speaker 3: But you can't let people that have nothing to do
Speaker 3: with your life impact you that way because they're in
Speaker 3: hearing distance of what you're doing. So you have to
Speaker 3: figure out a way to cultivate more patients. Because if
Speaker 3: I know anything it is that patience is a virtue.
Speaker 3: I have no natural patience. I've had to work on
Speaker 3: it my well, I wouldn't say my entire life, because
Speaker 3: I only came to like grips with the fact that
Speaker 3: I had no patience until you know, later in life.
Speaker 1: But I do exercise patience and it is a practice.
Speaker 3: So you have to figure out a way to let
Speaker 3: yourself not be so impacted by other people's actions, behaviors
Speaker 3: or sounds. You might also have you know, what's called hyperacusis,
Speaker 3: which is which is when you have very strong sensitivity
Speaker 3: to sound. I think that's what hypercasus means. I'm pretty
Speaker 3: sure I have that towards smell. And I also don't
Speaker 3: like loud loud sounds, which is ironic since I'm the
Speaker 3: loudest one in the room. I probably don't like the competition.
Speaker 3: But yes, I think you need to figure out a
Speaker 3: way to work on your patients, whether that's through meditation
Speaker 3: or mantra or going to therapy.
Speaker 1: But you have to be tolerant of other people. That's
Speaker 1: just the way this world is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I do think, you know, while he thinks
Speaker 2: that it's women, I think, Michael, you have to realize,
Speaker 2: like what you actually hate are bachelorette parties.
Speaker 1: Like that feels like what this issue is.
Speaker 3: Yea, And in that case, you need to leave Bomb Springs.
Speaker 3: You need to find a completely different place to live.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's where they're all headed.
Speaker 2: I had a little bit of this going on where
Speaker 2: I was like, sometimes young people would be being loud
Speaker 2: or whatever, and I realized, like, I'm getting a little older,
Speaker 2: and I had to reframe a little bit and be
Speaker 2: like I'll remember when I was young and dumb and
Speaker 2: fun and loud, and I was just having a great time.
Speaker 2: And now it weirdly makes me smile. Like when I
Speaker 2: see teenagers and they're just sort of being obnoxious or silly,
Speaker 2: I'm like, you know what, good for them? Like good
Speaker 2: for them, And if you can't outrun them on your hike,
Speaker 2: just stop and look at some beautiful cacti and let
Speaker 2: them walk on ahead, because that way you'll definitely like
Speaker 2: have a better chance of not being able to hear them.
Speaker 2: But I do love that he wrote into two very
Speaker 2: loud women up with this question. So our next question
Speaker 2: is a little bit of the flip side of that.
Speaker 2: This comes from Jolene Dear Chelsea. I was at your
Speaker 2: Spokane show and it was great. However, at the show,
Speaker 2: I was on the first level of the bell and
Speaker 2: there was a group of women behind and in front
Speaker 2: who were talking throughout the whole show. I tried really
Speaker 2: hard to ignore it, but my ADHD self couldn't. It
Speaker 2: was very distracting and disappointing. I love going to stand
Speaker 2: up and for the most part, this doesn't seem to
Speaker 2: be a big issue, but when it does, it really
Speaker 2: gets to me. It feels disrespectful. Maybe I'm too sensitive?
Speaker 2: How do you suggest dealing with this? Do I suck
Speaker 2: it up as I did? I know they paid for
Speaker 2: their tickets too, so I don't get any special privilege.
Speaker 2: Should I say something in the future, And how would
Speaker 2: you recommend saying something? The group of women behind me
Speaker 2: was clearly intoxicated, and I didn't want to say something
Speaker 2: that would end up causing further disruption. I know that
Speaker 2: people can be totally unaware of how they're impacting others,
Speaker 2: and I'm sure that there were people around me that
Speaker 2: weren't as bothered as I was. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Speaker 3: Jolene Well, I would say in that circumstance that it's
Speaker 3: okay to say something to someone because you're at a performance.
Speaker 1: That you paid money for.
Speaker 3: And just because they paid money for their tickets doesn't
Speaker 3: mean that they get to MP. You're being able to
Speaker 3: enjoy the show, right And if they were being really loud, yes,
Speaker 3: you can go and just very nicely say hey, ladies,
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry, can you please? I can't hear anything,
Speaker 3: and you can try and do it in a nice way.
Speaker 1: And if they don't listen.
Speaker 3: Then I would just go get security and be like
Speaker 3: I can't hear, Like that's what security's for.
Speaker 1: Listen. There are a lot of drunk people at my show,
Speaker 1: and a lot of people get.
Speaker 3: Removed when they can't control themselves because you know they can't,
Speaker 3: they're ruining the show for other people.
Speaker 2: So do you think that happens like every show or
Speaker 2: like shows like I've heard this before where people are
Speaker 2: like I couldn't.
Speaker 1: I was sitting by these group of women that were
Speaker 1: so obnoxious.
Speaker 3: I mean, no one goes to a stand up comedy
Speaker 3: show to hear somebody else talk, So like just and
Speaker 3: that's you can say that well.
Speaker 2: And I loved this question too because I had an
Speaker 2: experience like this a couple of years ago, pre pandemic,
Speaker 2: Brad and I had traveled to San Diego. We'd driven
Speaker 2: for hours, we had a hotel room for the weekend,
Speaker 2: and we went to see my favorite murder live and
Speaker 2: like it's a podcast, they're literally just talking. There's no spectacle.
Speaker 2: It's two people talking so in chairs. And the gals
Speaker 2: next to us they weren't drunk, but there were three
Speaker 2: or four gals and they just were talking at full volume.
Speaker 2: The entire time, and I eventually like nicely asked them
Speaker 2: to be quiet, and they were so pissed at me,
Speaker 2: like they were really upset.
Speaker 1: Cares if they're pissed at you, you don't, I know, I know.
Speaker 3: And when I hear anyone at my show, like if
Speaker 3: it's disrupting my perform I always call them out, like, shut.
Speaker 1: The fuck up. There's a thousands of people here that
Speaker 1: want to listen to me. Yeah, like you're not you
Speaker 1: can't get to talk right now. That's not what this
Speaker 1: is about. It's not interactive.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So there's a time and a place I think
Speaker 3: when you say something to people, and absolutely that is
Speaker 3: a time to say something to someone.
Speaker 1: And in a nice, gentle way.
Speaker 3: And if they don't hear you the first time, then
Speaker 3: go get security and say I can't you know, I
Speaker 3: don't this, I'm not enjoying myself. I can't hear anything
Speaker 3: these women. I mean, yeah, people get removed from my
Speaker 3: shows all the time for doing that.
Speaker 2: And I would say, also, Joline, you know you thought
Speaker 2: you were probably the only one having that issue with them,
Speaker 2: like probably everyone else around you was also annoyed. I
Speaker 2: would say, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: As long as you don't start everything at like a ninety,
Speaker 3: you know out of one hundred, and like start coming.
Speaker 1: Up going yeah, yeah, I need you to cry.
Speaker 3: You know, like as long as you're not approaching them
Speaker 3: like that, and it's in a careful way, like in
Speaker 3: a thoughtful way, then the reaction should be commensurate. And
Speaker 3: if it isn't, then you know, you have to tell
Speaker 3: on them.
Speaker 1: A little tattling.
Speaker 2: Never heard anybody well. Our first caller today is Lee.
Speaker 2: Lee says, Dear Chelsea, help me decide which direction I
Speaker 2: should take. As I approached this fork in the road
Speaker 2: yet again. I graduated with a BA in psychology, but
Speaker 2: after just a couple of years and a cross country
Speaker 2: road trip, I decided to get my teaching certification. I
Speaker 2: was looking for a dependable, respectable, and stable job. Unfortunately,
Speaker 2: nine years later, this job has been anything but I
Speaker 2: have officially been laid off due to budget cuts four
Speaker 2: times now in nine years. I thought I finally found
Speaker 2: a great school, but after only one year I found
Speaker 2: out I was being let go again, along with forty
Speaker 2: other teachers. I always had the same old lines, you're great,
Speaker 2: it's not you. We'll help you find another position. But
Speaker 2: I've heard it all before and feel so rejected and defeated.
Speaker 2: Is it stupid to return to the classroom at another
Speaker 2: school this would be my seventh school. Or is it
Speaker 2: a sign from the universe to move on to something
Speaker 2: bigger and better. Maybe the universe keeps sending me this
Speaker 2: sign that I keep ignoring. Lee.
Speaker 6: Hi, Lee, Hi, how are you?
Speaker 1: I'm good?
Speaker 7: How are you good?
Speaker 1: Good?
Speaker 2: Nice to see you do.
Speaker 1: I can understand why you're so frustrated.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's a big hit to the self esteem as well.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I selfishly, I don't think we can afford to
Speaker 3: lose any more teachers. So part of me is just like,
Speaker 3: please just stick with it, but talk to me about
Speaker 3: your life.
Speaker 1: I mean, you say you think it might be.
Speaker 3: A sign that you're in the wrong, you're doing the
Speaker 3: wrong thing. I don't know about that. I think that
Speaker 3: sometimes things get really tough before you get to the
Speaker 3: place where you're supposed to be right.
Speaker 5: And that's what I'm starting to wonder now. But it's
Speaker 5: just like you get jealous of the people who you
Speaker 5: know been able to stay at one school for since
Speaker 5: their whole career, when I've been at like probably six
Speaker 5: in the past nine years. Because there's just so many
Speaker 5: budget cuts, surprisingly in education. What state are you in
Speaker 5: in New Jersey?
Speaker 1: Uh huh?
Speaker 3: And is there anything else that you're thinking about or
Speaker 3: contemplating doing for a living.
Speaker 5: I've thought about going back for guidance counseling, so then
Speaker 5: it's like still in the school or just counseling in general.
Speaker 7: I think that'd be cool, but I don't know.
Speaker 5: I look at my husband and like, my parents have
Speaker 5: these cushy like office jobs, and I'm like, well, that
Speaker 5: seems kind of nice. They haven't been let go ever,
Speaker 5: and I'm let go all the time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I understand that I wouldn't give up on teaching
Speaker 3: because you're doing such like it's such a major contribution
Speaker 3: to society.
Speaker 1: And if you really can, what grade do you teach?
Speaker 5: I've been teaching middle school, but I actually just accepted
Speaker 5: a position in an elementary school.
Speaker 1: So okay, so you're starting a new job.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so I got let go right when I wrote
Speaker 5: that letter, And then you know, I need a job.
Speaker 5: I have two small kids, so I started applying right away.
Speaker 5: And of course the teaching jobs are easy for me
Speaker 5: to get because that's what you know, my resume is.
Speaker 7: So yeah, I got something right away.
Speaker 3: Okay, and is there any way you can do that
Speaker 3: while you're also pursuing getting what would you what kind
Speaker 3: of credentials do you need to become a guidance counselor.
Speaker 5: It's a master's degree, which yeah, I could, but I
Speaker 5: would love for the school to pay, and usually they
Speaker 5: won't pay till you've worked there a couple of years.
Speaker 1: I would say, try and see have you started this
Speaker 1: new job yet.
Speaker 5: No, it starts in September.
Speaker 1: Oh well, that's exciting. I think take this new job.
Speaker 3: Really set an intention about where you want this to go,
Speaker 3: how you want to impact the children, how you want
Speaker 3: to be of use within this school, and what you
Speaker 3: want to contribute right. I think you should start from
Speaker 3: that really, like set your intention so that you're really
Speaker 3: mindful every day going in and really putting your best
Speaker 3: foot forward and see what happens. And if this happens again,
Speaker 3: then I would say, yeah, then you can start talking
Speaker 3: about getting your master's degree.
Speaker 1: I think you can.
Speaker 3: Still start pursuing that anyway to become a guidance counselor.
Speaker 3: I think that's a really helpful, you know, position for
Speaker 3: people to be in. I remember my guidance counsel for
Speaker 3: middle school. She saved my ass so many times. So
Speaker 3: I have very fond memories of that relationship. But I
Speaker 3: wouldn't take like a product of what our society is
Speaker 3: dealing with in the education sector as a sign that
Speaker 3: you're not in the right position. And I think sometimes
Speaker 3: when you stick it out right, when you think you're
Speaker 3: supposed to quit, it's the next thing that comes your
Speaker 3: way that's the best one.
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's I guess what I'm hoping, because I feel
Speaker 5: like I can't make the decision to leave education kind
Speaker 5: of like you're saying, unless it's on my terms, Like
Speaker 5: maybe I get to stay and I work three more
Speaker 5: years and I realized, oh, I'm the one who wants to.
Speaker 3: Ah, yeah, absolutely, and how much I mean, you're willing
Speaker 3: to make a go of this one? Yes, yes, yeah,
Speaker 3: I would say just really go into this so wholeheartedly,
Speaker 3: as wholeheartedly as you've ever gone into anything in your life.
Speaker 1: And really, because I.
Speaker 3: Think I'm not blaming your being you know, these cost
Speaker 3: cuts or you being let go on you, but I'm
Speaker 3: saying when you bring that energy into something and it's
Speaker 3: consistent and it's really mindful, it works for you, and
Speaker 3: you'll start to see the effect that you're having on
Speaker 3: the children, on the other staff, on the school.
Speaker 1: As a whole.
Speaker 7: That's true. That's a good point.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 7: It's just hard.
Speaker 3: We don't give enough credit to like spirituality and to
Speaker 3: energy and to like our vibrations and what we're bringing
Speaker 3: and what we're taking away. You know, you have the
Speaker 3: ability to impact so many little people's brains.
Speaker 1: I mean that is a privilege.
Speaker 5: That is a privilege, and that's my favorite part of teaching.
Speaker 5: I just more than teaching. I love being like their
Speaker 5: guidance counselor almost you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so don't give up yet. Don't conflate you
Speaker 1: losing your job with you being a teacher, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean?
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, I know it's hard to say. That was
Speaker 3: just two separate things. And I get you, like idiot
Speaker 3: is like, yeah, if it happens again, then I would say, okay,
Speaker 3: But since we're talking, I think you should give it
Speaker 3: one more go okay.
Speaker 2: I think also if you have the expectation of like
Speaker 2: this might be for one year and that's okay, and
Speaker 2: then it might be for ten years or twenty years.
Speaker 2: You just don't know. But if you have the expectation
Speaker 2: of like, this is what's happened for the last nine
Speaker 2: years in a row, and then you'll be pleasantly surprised
Speaker 2: if it goes beyond that.
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 5: I had told myself this was it, and now I'm like, oh,
Speaker 5: I got one more I guess one more shot.
Speaker 1: Yeah, one more shot. We all agree, one more shot.
Speaker 3: And then and then from there, if that happens again,
Speaker 3: and call us back, and then we'll reroute.
Speaker 2: Yes, please do, please.
Speaker 3: Do, okay, okay, good nucky, So thankfully.
Speaker 7: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Hye by Oh.
Speaker 2: She was so cute. She was like, it's my daughter's
Speaker 2: field day today. I'm like, I remember field day.
Speaker 1: Do you remember that? Yeah?
Speaker 3: When my mom would forget to pack me anything for
Speaker 3: lunch and all the other kids had their shit.
Speaker 1: I remember, Oh, may A field trips so much mom.
Speaker 1: I mean, it was.
Speaker 3: Nice to not be in the classroom, but it was
Speaker 3: I mean, my mom would never come on those field trips.
Speaker 3: You know, have mothers sign up. I'd be like, Mom,
Speaker 3: would you come on a field trip? She's like, oh, honey, no,
Speaker 3: He's like, I've already been to the zoo. I'm like,
Speaker 3: what I don't need to see those, like a Liberty Bell.
Speaker 3: We could ride to Philadelphia together.
Speaker 2: I heard that the Liberty Bell is very underwhelming.
Speaker 1: Well it's pretty big bell.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean when they have a little museum, I
Speaker 3: don't think it's underwhelming.
Speaker 2: No, it's on an historian.
Speaker 1: All that shit is underwhelming. Are you a museum person?
Speaker 3: I prefer museum over art. Yeah, I like I like
Speaker 3: history over art. I don't know what I'm looking at
Speaker 3: when I look at art, you know, I just I
Speaker 3: may as well be looking at a juve cover, you know,
Speaker 3: I just.
Speaker 1: Know, like what. I don't know how to interpret it.
Speaker 1: I don't know the language of art.
Speaker 3: I appreciate that it's there. But I'm a philistine when
Speaker 3: it comes to art.
Speaker 2: I like art, but like for a little bit, Like
Speaker 2: I love to look at something beautiful, but then I'm like,
Speaker 2: I'm like you, I'm like ready to move on to
Speaker 2: the next guy.
Speaker 3: I want an hour, and you know, I'll look at
Speaker 3: it art for an hour and then that's it.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: With museums, I want to read. If I'm interested in
Speaker 2: the subject, I want to read every single plaque like everything.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 3: You know what a great museum is is the Broad
Speaker 3: Museum in downtown LA.
Speaker 1: I have not been art museum.
Speaker 3: Because they have different collections there and different viewings, and
Speaker 3: it's just so well done. They have a huge art collection,
Speaker 3: the Broad Family, and they have a little restaurant next
Speaker 3: door that's really it's just the perfect day. It's called
Speaker 3: odm Otium, and it's the perfect day to go down
Speaker 3: there to the Broad Museum.
Speaker 1: That's museum, if.
Speaker 2: All right? Our next caller is Celeste. Celeste is forty three.
Speaker 2: She says, Dear Chelsea, my five year old daughter masturbates
Speaker 2: with abandon. We've had many talks about it, and she
Speaker 2: knows it's totally normal and fine, but that it's a
Speaker 2: private activity. She usually respects the boundaries we give her,
Speaker 2: but with this she does not give a fuck. She
Speaker 2: finds creative ways to do it at preschool, at restaurants,
Speaker 2: around her older brother and his friends. I don't know
Speaker 2: what else to do without shaming her about her masturbation
Speaker 2: and sexuality. Thank you for being honest about your childhood masturbation.
Speaker 2: What advice would you give to your family who knew
Speaker 2: what you were up to back then?
Speaker 1: Celeste?
Speaker 2: Hi, Celest Hi, how are you?
Speaker 1: I'm good?
Speaker 2: How are you amazing? Tell Chelsea what you told us
Speaker 2: about the particular implement that your daughter has been using.
Speaker 8: Well, it's not just one, I guess for stutts, but
Speaker 8: we have a massage gun, you know, for post workout
Speaker 8: recovery and what have you.
Speaker 1: And she likes to.
Speaker 8: Take that into corners of the living room under the
Speaker 8: blanket during family movie time.
Speaker 1: And just.
Speaker 3: That's I listen, you're not a I did that for
Speaker 3: about two years straight when we called it the feeling,
Speaker 3: and I was. I took whatever utensils or rulers or ladles.
Speaker 3: I once sat at my Thanksgiving dinner with a ladle
Speaker 3: in between my legs, like basically jerking myself off for
Speaker 3: like three hours straight during a Thanksgiving dinner when I
Speaker 3: was nine years old. So I mean, you know, not
Speaker 3: for just so everyone's clear, child masturbation is not inserting
Speaker 3: anything into your joina. You're playing with your little fiddle
Speaker 3: bit doors only, and it's also usually overclothing.
Speaker 1: But I don't know.
Speaker 3: I don't know because when my mom called me out,
Speaker 3: I believe nobody understood what I was doing, right, I thought,
Speaker 3: the longer no one says anything to me, I'm getting
Speaker 3: away with it like, obviously no one could see what
Speaker 3: I'm doing, but my discretion was became less and less,
Speaker 3: like I started to get boulder and boulder, and so
Speaker 3: everyone knew what I was doing. But once somebody said
Speaker 3: something to me, once I was done. But that was
Speaker 3: in a much different era. So I understand not wanting
Speaker 3: to shame your daughter, but it sounds like she really
Speaker 3: needs to understand that that behavior is fine, but she's
Speaker 3: got to be in her room when she does it,
Speaker 3: because I think you have to have a larger conversation
Speaker 3: with her about what it means, you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 3: that's a private moment and you're totally allowed it, but
Speaker 3: it's just not for family, and it's not for strangers.
Speaker 8: M Yeah, and I guess so the reason I wrote
Speaker 8: in is because I read your book and read that
Speaker 8: part of it. We have had that conversation a lot
Speaker 8: of times, and so if I ask her and I say, hey,
Speaker 8: what are you doing?
Speaker 1: She just kind of like, and I say, coy and Hary,
Speaker 1: are you allowed to do that in private? In my room?
Speaker 2: But she doesn't do that.
Speaker 8: So I don't know how to explain to her at
Speaker 8: that age the possible dangers of doing that.
Speaker 1: How well is she again.
Speaker 2: By uh yeah, wow, you know, so I did a
Speaker 2: little research on this. Basically what they say is like
Speaker 2: this isn't even really about sex for kids that age.
Speaker 2: It's about like, oh, like I don't wear a diaper anymore,
Speaker 2: and I've discovered these feelings and like this part of
Speaker 2: my body feels different than other parts of my body.
Speaker 2: It's just sort of like it can be self soothing,
Speaker 2: which like I know I did as a like a
Speaker 2: little four or five year old. It can be you know,
Speaker 2: just like oh, this is fun and exciting. But one
Speaker 2: of the best recommendations I saw was distraction, so like
Speaker 2: she knows she's supposed to do it in her room
Speaker 2: and there may be is like okay, like maybe it's
Speaker 2: time for some private time in your room or in
Speaker 2: the bathroom, and like having her go do that then,
Speaker 2: but also just distraction like hey, you know what, let's
Speaker 2: go make some cookies or something less time consuming than
Speaker 2: being cookies, Like hey, should we go grab a snack?
Speaker 2: Hey should we go for a walk?
Speaker 1: Right now?
Speaker 2: So it's sort of like redirecting where it's not like
Speaker 2: does you know, not even saying anything about it, just
Speaker 2: like you know, let's go over here and do this
Speaker 2: right now. So sort of like disrupting that pattern when
Speaker 2: she's in public. But the other nice thing that I
Speaker 2: read is as she gets closer to like six seventy
Speaker 2: eight nine, she will naturally start to phase that out.
Speaker 2: That's obviously like in cases like this where it's a
Speaker 2: normal kit, she will start to phase that out and
Speaker 2: be like, oh wait, I shouldn't be doing this in
Speaker 2: front of my nine year old brother.
Speaker 1: Do you have you put Have you done that with her?
Speaker 3: Like when when she is masturbating or whatever, fiddling her bean,
Speaker 3: do you say do you like to say, Okay, now
Speaker 3: we're gonna go in your room, you can do that
Speaker 3: in your room.
Speaker 8: I don't know if I've necessarily tried that approach, like
Speaker 8: I've taken the massage gone away and just been.
Speaker 1: Like, hey, this is not a toy.
Speaker 8: This is for mom and dad, and you went and
Speaker 8: put it on a shelf. But she finds her ways,
Speaker 8: and she I told Catherine this that recently she put
Speaker 8: on she got dressed for school, put on a pair
Speaker 8: of pants and said, oh, there's a hole in my pocket.
Speaker 1: And I said, okay, well, don't put.
Speaker 8: Anything important in there, and she was like, now I
Speaker 8: can touch my vagina and no one will know.
Speaker 3: Well, Also, the way that you said to me when
Speaker 3: you said to her that, you said, what are you doing?
Speaker 6: Like?
Speaker 3: That's very playful. So her response saying ooh, like that's
Speaker 3: also playful. So maybe you need to be a little
Speaker 3: bit firmer instead of without being shameful by shaming her.
Speaker 3: It's not a shameful thing, but a little bit firmer,
Speaker 3: Like I told you, honey, that's not appropriate.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. You could you can do that,
Speaker 1: but there are rooms.
Speaker 3: This is the zone where you can do it, and
Speaker 3: you can't do it outside anymore. And if she does,
Speaker 3: you can just say okay, if that's what you want
Speaker 3: to do, then you have to be in your room, right.
Speaker 1: And each time, be consistent.
Speaker 3: Don't let her masturbate on the couch, don't let her
Speaker 3: fiddle or bean wherever she feels like it.
Speaker 1: Anytime you catch her.
Speaker 3: Go honey, I'm so sorry, but we're gonna If you
Speaker 3: want to do that, we can. You can go to
Speaker 3: your room and do it. And if you don't want
Speaker 3: to go to your room, then you have to stop
Speaker 3: doing that.
Speaker 6: Right.
Speaker 1: That's a good point.
Speaker 7: I didn't think about that.
Speaker 8: She's following my tone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that way what Chelsea said, Like
Speaker 2: the boundary is not masturbating or not masturbating. The boundary
Speaker 2: is you know what looks like you need some private time.
Speaker 2: Why don't you go spend a few minutes in your room.
Speaker 3: It's just like saying I have to urinate. You can't
Speaker 3: just do that wherever you want. I mean you can,
Speaker 3: but somebody's gonna say you need to go in the bathroom,
Speaker 3: like that's where you do that, Just like she goes
Speaker 3: to the bathroom to pee and potty and whatever else
Speaker 3: and brush your teeth, there's a room for her, you know,
Speaker 3: Like you have to make.
Speaker 1: It that clear.
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, and be firm and be consistent, and I
Speaker 3: bet you if you're consistent like the next ten times, it's.
Speaker 1: Not gonna be a problem anymore.
Speaker 8: Yeah, I think that makes sense. Yeah, I've just been
Speaker 8: nervous about her feeling like it's a bad thing.
Speaker 1: But I do think that I've been.
Speaker 8: Probably too lenient about it, been too careful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds like maybe you have.
Speaker 2: But yeah, exactly what Chelsea said, minus a shame, but
Speaker 2: like redirecting like either to bedroom or you know, distraction. Distraction,
Speaker 2: like let's go do something else. Yeah all right, well,
Speaker 2: will you let us know how it goes and clean
Speaker 2: off your far agun please.
Speaker 3: Yeah, keep that faragun away from her also, because those
Speaker 3: things are dangerous hunching it.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're not supposed to use those on your neck either,
Speaker 3: because I've heard some stories about people.
Speaker 1: Saying they really hurt themselves.
Speaker 3: Really yeah, like on your spine and your shoulders, like
Speaker 3: you can do it and it gets really violent if
Speaker 3: you put it on that high setting and it can
Speaker 3: hurt you.
Speaker 1: So yeah, keep that away from her anyway. Yeah, yeah, agreed. Yeah,
Speaker 1: treat it like a real gun and put it in
Speaker 1: a locked drawer. Fair enough, Okay, well, good luck. Let
Speaker 1: us know how it goes.
Speaker 2: Thanks Alas, Okay, yeah, okay, thank you, bye bye.
Speaker 1: I was the queen of masturbation when I was a
Speaker 1: little kid.
Speaker 2: Well, our next color is Janelle jen Now says dear Chelsea.
Speaker 2: The past few years have been tough. I know, I know,
Speaker 2: who hasn't it been tough for I worked a good
Speaker 2: amount of issues out through therapy, but I felt as
Speaker 2: though I had reached my limit. I was given a
Speaker 2: note from my therapist for an emotional support animal. But
Speaker 2: I live in a non pet friendly building. My puppy
Speaker 2: to lose. Has there ever been a better dog name
Speaker 2: than to lose?
Speaker 3: Nose to lose, to lose two words, or to lose
Speaker 3: to lose like to lose the track has.
Speaker 2: Made a world of difference. I can get out of
Speaker 2: bed in the morning with purpose. She gets me out
Speaker 2: and about and meeting new people. She's been such a
Speaker 2: joy and I love her so much, but my neighbor
Speaker 2: hasn't felt the same. Occasionally she lets out of bark
Speaker 2: or two when she hears certain people in the hall,
Speaker 2: not everyone, and not all the time. I immediately run over
Speaker 2: to quiet her down. So there really is only five
Speaker 2: to ten seconds of a bark, not excessive in my opinion,
Speaker 2: But the walls are thin, and my neighbor still complains.
Speaker 2: Over the past few months, she left a nasty note
Speaker 2: under the door and has since complained to management twice,
Speaker 2: which has now prompted them to find me find her.
Speaker 2: She had have like a meeting in front of the
Speaker 2: board and everything. Because of this, my anxiety and depression
Speaker 2: has increased tenfold. I had to start medication. I even
Speaker 2: had my first panic attack, which mimicked a heart attack.
Speaker 2: I feel so on edge and uncomfortable in my own home.
Speaker 2: This is a condo building, and I own a unit,
Speaker 2: and I'm starting the moving process because of this, I
Speaker 2: felt bullied enough to move out in the meantime. Do
Speaker 2: you have any advice for how to deal with cruel people?
Speaker 2: What should I do? Janelle Hi?
Speaker 1: Janel Hi?
Speaker 6: How are you?
Speaker 1: Oh? We're good? How are you? This is Catherine Hi,
Speaker 1: and I see you, Catherine. So you're moving out?
Speaker 6: I am, yeah. My place will probably go up for
Speaker 6: sale this week and then it's just kind of like
Speaker 6: the summer to look for a new spot.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, that's that's good. And what's the barking situation?
Speaker 3: How would you rate it on a scale of a
Speaker 3: barking when you're gone?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 6: No, it's when I'm there, so, I mean, and I'm working,
Speaker 6: you know, the same business hours as this woman, my neighbor,
Speaker 6: and she'll hear to loose will like hear something in
Speaker 6: the hall. It'll set her off. She barks once or twice,
Speaker 6: and I immediately run over to calm her down, and
Speaker 6: then that's it. This is not like excessive barking when
Speaker 6: I'm gone. This is just once or twice, like less
Speaker 6: than thirtys.
Speaker 1: That's so annoying your neighbor to that, Yeah, that's so annoying.
Speaker 3: I mean, I mean, listen, barking is very annoying, especially
Speaker 3: excessive barking. So the fact that you're talking to me,
Speaker 3: I believe you. And when you say it's one or
Speaker 3: two barks, like, that's not the.
Speaker 1: End of the world. And anybody can work a pay
Speaker 1: on that.
Speaker 3: And you have to have tolerance for that sort of thing,
Speaker 3: especially when you're living in a building.
Speaker 2: Yeah, on top of each other, literally right.
Speaker 6: Right, I mean, and like this is a building. I'm
Speaker 6: in Chicago, and so this is a building that was
Speaker 6: like built in the seventies. The walls are very thin.
Speaker 6: I have heard this neighbor cough through the wall. I'm
Speaker 6: sure she's heard me, you know, make a smoothie with
Speaker 6: my blunder vacuum or anything. So like this thing and
Speaker 6: you know, to lose letting out one or two barks
Speaker 6: is I don't know, Like you said, not the end
Speaker 6: of the world.
Speaker 1: And when you said they find you, how much money
Speaker 1: was that?
Speaker 6: So I have a meeting with the board to be
Speaker 6: determined when they haven't decided when, but I will go
Speaker 6: plead my case to them and then they'll choose what
Speaker 6: my fine is.
Speaker 2: So this is what I said to Janelle as well.
Speaker 2: I was like, is there a way that you can
Speaker 2: discuss with the board, Like is this actually a problem,
Speaker 2: because number one, you have rights under the Americans with
Speaker 2: Disabilities Act because she is an EESA, She's an emotional
Speaker 2: support animal. This is not a pet. This is a
Speaker 2: dog that is helping you with a mental health issue.
Speaker 2: And in addition, I think you need to be very
Speaker 2: clear with them she is not barking all day long,
Speaker 2: Like it's five to ten barks or five to ten
Speaker 2: seconds of a bark like you mentioned, and then she's
Speaker 2: quieted down. And I think you should work with them
Speaker 2: on like what is a good solution to this issue?
Speaker 2: And should I advise someone when this issue is happening
Speaker 2: so that they can come and actually see like she's
Speaker 2: not barking all day long. I think you need to
Speaker 2: make it very clear to them that like one person's
Speaker 2: word is not what is necessarily happening. We used to
Speaker 2: live above some neighbors who would complain that we were
Speaker 2: so loud and we walked with really heavy footfalls and whatever,
Speaker 2: whatever what appen?
Speaker 1: And what the fuck is a footfall?
Speaker 2: Like, I know Brad's really tall and big, but like,
Speaker 2: can you ask me like step quieter like in our apartment?
Speaker 2: And finally, one day, our building manager asked us to
Speaker 2: like hang out in their apartment while they were gone
Speaker 2: because there was like a service person coming. I went
Speaker 2: down to check out their apartment just to see how
Speaker 2: loud it was. These people, who were in their twenties,
Speaker 2: by the way, had their entire apartment covered in antique
Speaker 2: China dishes with teacups, so every time we would walk
Speaker 2: it would rattle the teacups all around their apartment. Was
Speaker 2: that a nuss problem?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 2: But they still complained about us, So, you know, I
Speaker 2: think you need to make it really clear to them,
Speaker 2: like this is actually not an issue. I know so
Speaker 2: and so feels that it is, but I would be
Speaker 2: very happy to provide proof that this is not an
Speaker 2: ongoing or persistent issue.
Speaker 3: I have a question, Well, I mean, what's the point
Speaker 3: if she's moving out? Well, I mean for the purpose
Speaker 3: of this interaction, but what happens when your dog?
Speaker 1: Do you ever leave your dog at home without you?
Speaker 6: I have one certain twice. You know, I don't think
Speaker 6: she's allowed in the grocery store, so I don't bring
Speaker 6: her grocery shopping with me. And I've gone on a
Speaker 6: date or two and I've left her mind. But I
Speaker 6: have a camera on her so I can check in
Speaker 6: like live feed on her, and she's always just sleeping,
Speaker 6: and I've taken screenshots of it, so I know that
Speaker 6: she's not barking when I'm not there. It's just that
Speaker 6: when I'm there, she hears something in the hallway and
Speaker 6: it's confused, a like who it could be?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 3: And when you come home from those instances, does she
Speaker 3: bark when she hears you coming in?
Speaker 6: No? M never.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: But so for this hearing, first of all, there should be
Speaker 3: no fucking fine you're moving out?
Speaker 1: Like right, I mean you're you've already decided that, or now.
Speaker 2: Are you for sure you want to do this? I mean,
Speaker 2: I get it. It's like shitty to come home and
Speaker 2: be like, oh my gosh, I'm being too loud here
Speaker 2: and there and everywhere, But at the same time, like
Speaker 2: to move and sell your condo because of a complaint
Speaker 2: to one other from another person.
Speaker 6: This was like the straw that broke the camel's back.
Speaker 6: There's just like a couple of things that I've like
Speaker 6: wanted in a new place, you know, just Chicago, old,
Speaker 6: outdated kind of game. It so looking to upgrade anyways,
Speaker 6: but this was just kind of like the final straw.
Speaker 6: And it's not so much that her barking gives me anxiety,
Speaker 6: because like, I'm not set off by loud noises. It's
Speaker 6: like the fact that I might see this neighbor in
Speaker 6: the hallway and she's already know under the door, and
Speaker 6: I just like I just don't. It got so bad
Speaker 6: last week that like I actually had a panic attack
Speaker 6: where I had to go to the urgent care because
Speaker 6: I thought I was having a heart attack. So just
Speaker 6: like the fact that I might run into her just
Speaker 6: really really gives me so much panic and anxiety.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well you should move a go move to a
Speaker 3: building where you see other dogs also so that people
Speaker 3: have an understanding, make sure it's a dog friendly building
Speaker 3: moving in. And if you're dealing with this already, it's older.
Speaker 3: This isn't the only reason. There are more reasons. I
Speaker 3: always think change is good. You know, you want to
Speaker 3: be around different energy and different people, and for the
Speaker 3: purposes of this stupid hearing. Make sure you bring up
Speaker 3: the Disabilities Act?
Speaker 2: Did emerge with Disabilities Act?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that you're they have no right, and that you're
Speaker 3: move You're selling your place because of the stress of this,
Speaker 3: because of the harassment, and you actually fucking counter super
Speaker 3: harassed or you know, counter complain.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, obviously you're not going.
Speaker 3: To file a lawsuit, but it's like you're you're uprooting
Speaker 3: your life basically.
Speaker 1: Yes, So you're not going to pay a fine on
Speaker 1: top of that. Right.
Speaker 2: The other thing too, I have a magic bullet hero
Speaker 2: al so for your next place, because I do think
Speaker 2: it's a good thing to be like, Okay, I don't
Speaker 2: have to deal with this crazy person anymore. I know
Speaker 2: we've moved because of crazy neighbors before. One thing that
Speaker 2: my brother in law did in Chicago, he's in wicker Park.
Speaker 2: He had an issue, a sound issue with a neighbor
Speaker 2: who was complaining about like they were not being very loud.
Speaker 2: They were complaining about the loudness of the music and whatnot. Well,
Speaker 2: after a few complaints from his board, he decided to
Speaker 2: join the HOA board. So now he is part of
Speaker 2: the decision making process. And he's a respected member of
Speaker 2: the community. So I would very much recommend that the
Speaker 2: next place you go, if there is a board, condo, association, board, whatever,
Speaker 2: join it.
Speaker 1: First off.
Speaker 2: And also it's very easy to get to lose registered
Speaker 2: as an actual legitimate service animal. So if the ESA
Speaker 2: thing emotional support animal thing is not quite enough for them,
Speaker 2: go service animal and then you're covered and you're covered
Speaker 2: for TSA too.
Speaker 6: Oh that's true. That's a good recommendation. Thank you. Yeah,
Speaker 6: I appreciate that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, keep us posted. I would really like to
Speaker 2: hear what happens after this meeting. But I think very
Speaker 2: much advocate for yourself, Like, don't just take this all
Speaker 2: lying down. I think you should say I am uprooting
Speaker 2: my entire life. Like Chelsea said, I'm not gonna pay
Speaker 2: this fine. It's actually not an issue, you know, she's
Speaker 2: she's making a mountain out of a mole hill. But
Speaker 2: it's enough that I'm, you know, changing my life. So
Speaker 2: let's let bygones be by cons that I'm leaving.
Speaker 6: Right. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Thank you. I appreciate it,
Speaker 6: and I will definitely let you know. I haven't I
Speaker 6: haven't heard yet. When I'm supposed to chat with them,
Speaker 6: but I will keep you posted for sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And also, one person's version isn't like what Catherine and
Speaker 3: said earlier. One person's account of something isn't necessarily accurate.
Speaker 3: You should show them some video footage or collect the
Speaker 3: video footage from whatever appy you used to record your
Speaker 3: dog so you can prove that to louse isn't barking
Speaker 3: when you're not there.
Speaker 6: Also, yeah, yeah, I've definitely logged enough screenshots of her,
Speaker 6: of her snoozing.
Speaker 3: And her creat Yeah, I'm god, very good, right, perfect, good, Okay, well,
Speaker 3: good luck with everything.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Thanks Janelle, thanks for calling.
Speaker 6: Thank you, nice meeting you. Bye hie.
Speaker 3: Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we'll
Speaker 3: be right back to wrap things up.
Speaker 1: And we're back. Okay, everybody, We're back.
Speaker 2: To lose, to lose, I know it's to lose. Just
Speaker 2: the absolute best name for a dog.
Speaker 1: I told you about that.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's confusing. What is Telusa's a French name.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's French. I'm told Brad. I was like, man,
Speaker 2: if Wendall wasn't already Wendell, he might be Tolenda's a.
Speaker 1: Better name than to lose. Douglas is a good name
Speaker 1: for a dog.
Speaker 3: That's Hannah Gatsby's dogs name that she talks about in
Speaker 3: her special Oh I called Douglas Douglas. Yeah, Douglas is
Speaker 3: a good name. Bert and Douglas. I can't wait to
Speaker 3: get my new batch of dogs. And I wonder what
Speaker 3: my dogs.
Speaker 2: People have been sending you.
Speaker 1: Some chows.
Speaker 2: I've been sending them along.
Speaker 3: So you know I do is watch chow videos on Instagram.
Speaker 3: I can't not stop watching chows. I just fucking love
Speaker 3: those dogs. I was talking to this guy the other
Speaker 3: day and he was like, you gotta get a pug,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, no, no, I don't like That's not
Speaker 3: my type.
Speaker 1: Visit mine. I'm a type.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and everyone has the type. You have to follow
Speaker 2: your heart exactly. Some people love a weenie, some people
Speaker 2: I love a pug.
Speaker 1: I love.
Speaker 2: Half of my Instagram these days is like singing dogs,
Speaker 2: or like dogs that are kind of howling and people
Speaker 2: will like write songs alongside them and it's hysteria.
Speaker 3: I like when dogs cuddle each other, like you see
Speaker 3: little sibling action and they are just on top of
Speaker 3: each other, And especially dogs with other animals that cuddle,
Speaker 3: that are sweet. Like there was this video of a
Speaker 3: horse and a dog the other day rubbing heads together.
Speaker 2: I almost climax you Okay, have you been on Safari before?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: And is it just the most magical.
Speaker 3: Its magical trip I've ever been on. You don't even
Speaker 3: have to care about animals. I mean, I'm an animal lover,
Speaker 3: but not like crazy, you know, I like my animals
Speaker 3: pretty much. Yeah, like watching animals, but I'm not like
Speaker 3: some crazy animal person. And it's just it feels like
Speaker 3: you're in a different time, in a different world. Yeah,
Speaker 3: Like Africa's the only place I've ever traveled to where
Speaker 3: I felt I was I was.
Speaker 1: On another continent.
Speaker 3: Yeah, seebe when you're in Europe or even you're South America,
Speaker 3: Like it's a little it's it's just feels like there's
Speaker 3: always access to Americanism, you know what I mean. Africa
Speaker 3: is Africa and there's nothing American about it.
Speaker 2: Are you going several places or are you going to
Speaker 2: be in one spot?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're going to like three four different camps.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, my sister and myself and all of
Speaker 3: our you know, troops, all the girls and uh yeah,
Speaker 3: my sister's been too a few times. I've been on
Speaker 3: Safari twice before. Yeah, and it is the trip of
Speaker 3: a lifetime. And I want to see my nieces in
Speaker 3: and well not nephews because they're not coming.
Speaker 1: I want to see it.
Speaker 3: I was like, Nie, just a niece. I saw my
Speaker 3: nephews last weekend. They came to my show in the
Speaker 3: Cats Skills, and they are so big and tall. It's
Speaker 3: just so I'm just like a little any bitty thing
Speaker 3: next to them. I mean, it's just so funny. I'm
Speaker 3: like my Russian sister in law feeds them goulash, and
Speaker 3: I guess it works because I've never seen boys this thing.
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, and it is true, like they grow up.
Speaker 3: So I mean my one nephew six ' five, oh
Speaker 3: my god, I know.
Speaker 1: And the other one like is so ridiculous.
Speaker 3: He works out so hard, so his chest is like
Speaker 3: he looks like, I'm like, you do not have the
Speaker 3: body type for that. I'm like, you look like you're
Speaker 3: from New Jersey, Like cool it with the working out,
Speaker 3: it's too much.
Speaker 2: My nephew, Evan, he he started going to military school,
Speaker 2: his choice, his choice, and he's like opening doors for
Speaker 2: his grandma now and like just being very risk spect
Speaker 2: fall and from military school. It's like learning all these
Speaker 2: you know, very old school but kind of nice things.
Speaker 2: It's like we women, we can open the doors ourselves,
Speaker 2: but like it's nice.
Speaker 1: I don't feel like opening a door for myself.
Speaker 2: I love it when somebody opened it.
Speaker 3: Also open doors for other people too, Like once the
Speaker 3: door's open, keep it open until the flow is done.
Speaker 3: And if you're a man, don't step in front of
Speaker 3: a woman when the door is open.
Speaker 1: Okay, just that's the least you can do.
Speaker 2: That is something that is a phenomenon that I never
Speaker 2: experienced in the Midwest. And we moved here, Chelsea, and
Speaker 2: like the first few weeks we were like what is happening?
Speaker 2: Like Brad would open the door for me and men
Speaker 2: would walk through it ahead of me. And one time
Speaker 2: where I was like, hey, I wasn't opening that for you, bro,
Speaker 2: Like I was opening it for my wife, and the
Speaker 2: guy like did a double take because he truly didn't
Speaker 2: even notice.
Speaker 1: He was like, oh, I'm sorry, Like they don't even notice.
Speaker 1: Ladies first, please, ladies first. Okay.
Speaker 3: Well that was our episode for today. It was a
Speaker 3: Catherine and Chelsea special.
Speaker 1: But sure was.
Speaker 2: I mean, I think we learned a lot. We gave
Speaker 2: some very pointed advice, and.
Speaker 1: I learned that to louse is a very French name.
Speaker 2: To lose la trek mung far.
Speaker 1: Who's to lose l trek monba.
Speaker 2: He was an artist of the Bohemian persuasion as as
Speaker 2: shown in the movie Mulan Rouge. You'll see him played
Speaker 2: by John Leguizamoh, okay, that's I think where my generation
Speaker 2: knows of to lose la track is from Mulan Rouge.
Speaker 1: Well, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll catch you next week.
Speaker 1: Bye bye, okay, guys.
Speaker 3: Also, I have added more second shows to my Little
Speaker 3: Big Bitch tour. I added second shows in Hollywood at
Speaker 3: the Pantagious. I am going to be there two nights
Speaker 3: October twelfth and thirteenth. I added another show at the
Speaker 3: Chicago Theater October twenty seventh and October twenty eighth, one
Speaker 3: of my favorite places to perform. I added another show
Speaker 3: in Portland, so I'll be there November second and third.
Speaker 3: And I added a second show in Boston at the
Speaker 3: Weighing Center, so I will be their November sixteenth and seventeenth,
Speaker 3: I also have two shows in Seattle, San Francisco, New
Speaker 3: York at the Beacon and Washington d C. I will
Speaker 3: be there October fifth and sixth, and a special shout
Speaker 3: out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm coming Saturday, October fourteenth.
Speaker 3: And then I'm coming to Cleveland Columbus in Pittsburgh, So
Speaker 3: suck on that, you guys. I can't wait to see everybody.
Speaker 3: Oh and I'm coming to Eugene, Oregon too, everybody. That's
Speaker 3: November ninth, twenty twenty three, and I will be at
Speaker 3: the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which is going to be
Speaker 3: a very intimate show on Saturday, August twenty sixth, So
Speaker 3: if you are in the Long Island area, that's.
Speaker 1: Where I'll be the Clubhouse.
Speaker 2: Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research
Speaker 2: and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational
Speaker 2: in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established
Speaker 2: clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's
Speaker 2: feedback is in response to a written question, and therefore
Speaker 2: there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,
Speaker 2: just because you might hear something on the show that
Speaker 2: sounds similar to what you're experiencing. Beware of self diagnosis.
Speaker 2: Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want
Speaker 2: to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses
Speaker 2: if that's important to you. If you or your partner
Speaker 2: are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
Speaker 2: reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities
Speaker 2: have a safety plan that can be done with a
Speaker 2: therapist too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us
Speaker 2: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com
Speaker 2: and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea
Speaker 2: is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine
Speaker 2: law and be sure to check out our merch at
Speaker 2: Chelseahandler dot com