WEBVTT - Loud Women Talking with Chelsea + Catherine 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:03.720 Hi everybody. Hi, it's Chelsea and Catherine. 0:00:03.880 --> 0:00:04.080 Hi. 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:07.520 Hi, we're here podcasting. 0:00:07.920 --> 0:00:10.719 Here in Los Angeles. It's finally almost summer. 0:00:11.039 --> 0:00:12.840 Yes, it is summer, even though it's going to be 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:15.400 summer all year round from now on because our planet 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:16.799 is dying unfortunately. 0:00:17.000 --> 0:00:17.760 That is correct. 0:00:17.880 --> 0:00:18.720 Welcome to the show. 0:00:19.560 --> 0:00:22.600 Just a little uplifting positivity for your Oh. 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.720 You know who's specially. I watched Hannah Gatsby. Yes, not 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:29.080 a new one. No, I watched both of her. I 0:00:29.120 --> 0:00:29.880 watched her second. 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:32.640 I had seen her first one. I didn't realize I 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:34.880 had missed one. So there was a second one, which 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:37.960 is fucking awesome. And then I watched her third one, 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:40.519 which is also awesome. But the second one she has 0:00:40.560 --> 0:00:41.960 the best closing line. 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:43.480 It's so good. 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:45.920 The second one is really good. I would really recommend 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:47.320 everyone see it. It's called Douglas. 0:00:47.600 --> 0:00:50.320 I am just looking at this. I saw something about 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:51.599 it a couple days ago. I'm gonna have to check 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:51.800 it out. 0:00:51.920 --> 0:00:53.360 Yeah, when we're on the road, we just have like 0:00:53.440 --> 0:00:55.720 these transport vands. They have TVs in them that we all. 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:57.280 You know, it's kind of like a mini tour bus 0:00:57.320 --> 0:00:59.040 for if it's like a two or three hour drive. 0:00:59.080 --> 0:01:02.000 So we watch all sorts of stuff. And we watched 0:01:02.080 --> 0:01:08.120 Jennifer Lopez's Mother. That was absolutely ridiculous. I mean, like, what, 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:11.600 it's the same movie that Eric Bannon did when he 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:13.240 was stuck in the woods with his daughter, but now 0:01:13.280 --> 0:01:16.320 it's Jennifer Lopez and it's just ridiculous. 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:18.720 First of all, she's too beautiful to pay attention to 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:19.479 any storyline. 0:01:19.600 --> 0:01:21.399 It doesn't I mean, I guess that's why they do 0:01:21.440 --> 0:01:22.679 these movies, because it doesn't matter. 0:01:22.800 --> 0:01:24.880 She's just like sparkly and glowy and greta. 0:01:24.920 --> 0:01:26.520 It was just yeah. 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:29.679 So anyway, I love a fun, silly movie. We watched 0:01:29.720 --> 0:01:31.520 a girlfriend of mine came over and we love to 0:01:31.520 --> 0:01:34.759 watch horror movies and thrillers. We watched this movie called Fall, 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:38.240 which is the entire movie is these two girls stuck 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:40.280 at the top of like a TV tower and they 0:01:40.319 --> 0:01:42.880 have to like figure out how to get down. We're like, 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:44.240 how do you set an hour and a half movie 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:46.800 up there? But it was actually had a surprising fun 0:01:46.840 --> 0:01:49.760 twist and was pretty good. I like a good bad 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:50.960 movie sometimes, you know what. 0:01:51.000 --> 0:01:54.440 The best show that I've seen recently, obviously, Succession is 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:56.440 in the top five of course all time. 0:01:57.160 --> 0:02:01.600 H is the Elizabeth also Love and Death, Love and Death. 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:04.560 Yes, that girl is so fucking talented and such a 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:05.240 good actress. 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:09.120 Everyone in that is so good. Yeah, that was great. 0:02:09.360 --> 0:02:13.480 Great television. Have you seen did you watch Jury Duty? No? 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:17.600 Oh my goodness, it's on Amazon. It's like sort of 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:21.920 documentary style. It's about like they do a documentary of 0:02:22.600 --> 0:02:25.480 going to jury duty in la and everyone is an 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:30.280 actor except for one guy who doesn't know everybody else's actors. 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:33.200 And it is one of my favorite things that I've 0:02:33.200 --> 0:02:36.640 watched in a long time. It is so fun. James 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:38.760 Marsden is in it as sort of like the actor 0:02:38.760 --> 0:02:42.760 who got hauled into jury duty, and it's it's really really. 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:44.799 And everyone else is not a famous actor. 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:46.679 No, yeah, like a couple people are from Parks and 0:02:46.720 --> 0:02:48.280 record this, this, that and the other thing. 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:52.080 That's an original idea, right, and it just is the 0:02:52.120 --> 0:02:54.000 most charming, wonderful thing. 0:02:54.360 --> 0:02:56.760 The guy who doesn't know that it's all a ruse 0:02:57.040 --> 0:03:01.000 is like such a sweet, angelic kid who like wants 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:03.880 the best for everybody and just as like everything is 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:05.919 so many weird things keep happening. 0:03:06.040 --> 0:03:07.240 It's really really to I. 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:09.919 Had something very strange happened, and it was on Mother's Day. 0:03:09.960 --> 0:03:13.200 My mother is always fucking with me from wherever she 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:15.600 is hanging out, which is I think, right over my head. 0:03:15.639 --> 0:03:19.520 But I have these earrings, these light earrings that I wear. 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:21.960 And I woke up in New York. I was in 0:03:21.960 --> 0:03:22.720 New York last week. 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:24.919 I woke up my earring was gone out of one 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:27.280 ear and the other one was in one ear, and 0:03:27.320 --> 0:03:28.760 I was like, I lost that one. 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:30.280 I get home that. 0:03:30.280 --> 0:03:33.920 Night, I don't see it anywhere. I wake up in 0:03:33.919 --> 0:03:36.440 the morning and the earrings in my ear no. And 0:03:36.480 --> 0:03:38.480 I was like, okay, well I was either stoned or 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:41.960 drunk or something, and I messed that up. The next night, 0:03:43.120 --> 0:03:45.240 I go to bed, I wake up, the earrings out 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:47.040 of the other ear. I go in the bed, I'm 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:50.080 looking for like my earring. I don't find it, and 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:52.640 I'm like, okay. I come home and I wake up 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:54.400 in the morning and my earrings back in my ear 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:58.200 That's wow. The second time, I said to my security, 0:03:58.240 --> 0:03:59.920 I said to my assistant, I said to my crew, 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:02.240 I was like, guys, I just want you to know 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:04.680 I had no earing in It happened a third time. 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:06.600 I go, oh, my earring's missing again. 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:09.520 And I said to Carla, I'm like, I'm telling you, 0:04:09.760 --> 0:04:11.280 this has happened two nights in a row. I didn't 0:04:11.320 --> 0:04:14.240 say anything because it sounds so so crazy, but so 0:04:14.280 --> 0:04:16.200 I kept it to myself because I'm like, only I 0:04:16.240 --> 0:04:16.640 need to know. 0:04:16.600 --> 0:04:17.320 About these things. 0:04:18.040 --> 0:04:19.640 And I said, I just want you to know this 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:22.360 earring's gone. Right, guys, look at my ear it's gone. 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:25.320 And they're all like, yeah, you idiot. Whatever. 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:28.760 And then next morning, guess whose earring was back in? 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:30.720 Three times it happened to. 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:33.480 Me, what what do you think it was again? 0:04:35.160 --> 0:04:37.039 This one is in and this one's out. I woke 0:04:37.120 --> 0:04:40.040 up this morning and it's pressing again. What And so 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:41.920 I'm just like waiting for something my mother to put 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:44.320 it back in my ear It's so crazy. 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:46.400 Maybe she really likes that pair of earrings. 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:49.200 My mom would totally do. I just didn't think they 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:52.160 could touch you, but who knows? Why not touch you? 0:04:52.520 --> 0:04:54.640 Do you ever have those like oh you do, like 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:57.600 those little like stones and crystals and things. 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:00.000 Yeah, I meditate with crystals like a real mess. 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:02.960 Are so brad And I have a reiki lady back 0:05:02.960 --> 0:05:05.200 in US. We go Illinois and she's like Yeah, when 0:05:05.240 --> 0:05:07.479 you don't need them anymore, they'll wander off, and it's 0:05:07.720 --> 0:05:10.160 absolutely true they do, and then sometimes they wander right 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:12.359 back into your life. It's the weirdest thing. 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:15.560 The people from the little rocks, oh, the little crystals. 0:05:15.880 --> 0:05:18.320 It's like when you don't need them, they like disappear, 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:20.720 and then sometimes they'll reappear, like I keep some in 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:24.160 my purse, and like sometimes one of them will wander 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:26.200 away maybe never come back, and then maybe I'll come 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:29.719 back like a year later. It's the weirdest thing. It's weird. 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:30.359 It's weird. 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:34.279 Yeah. Even Brad has a little what do you call it, 0:05:34.279 --> 0:05:39.480 your love rock, You're it's my adventure stone, his adventurous downe. 0:05:41.000 --> 0:05:44.400 It's a good reminder of good things to come. Chelsea. 0:05:44.800 --> 0:05:46.680 I have some very fun updates. 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:47.359 Oh okay. 0:05:48.120 --> 0:05:52.560 This email is from Julia. She says I was the 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:56.040 private chef considering moving to the Pacific Northwest on the 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:59.640 Psychic Medium episode. I made the move, still getting my 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:02.080 footage and figuring out a new routine on my own. 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:04.680 But I just listened to the Dylan mulvaney episode with 0:06:04.800 --> 0:06:08.040 Dane who's trans and doesn't have a big community in Portland. 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:10.560 I'm a sis woman, but I thought i'd see if 0:06:10.560 --> 0:06:12.719 he wanted to be connected, just to have a friend, 0:06:13.160 --> 0:06:15.680 especially since I'm new since February and don't know too 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:18.920 many people. I live in Vancouver, so just across the bridge. 0:06:19.000 --> 0:06:22.760 Thank you again, Julia, and I got so many emails 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:25.760 from people being like, I'm in Portland, I'm trans or 0:06:25.800 --> 0:06:28.080 I'm in Portland. I'd love to reach out to Dane, 0:06:28.360 --> 0:06:30.160 and so I passed him along all of those. 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:33.880 Is that amazing? Yeah, nice listeners, you guys. I just 0:06:33.920 --> 0:06:35.120 way to build a community. 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:37.000 I know, I love it, and I love it. It was 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:39.840 just a caller from recently who's going to get connected. 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:44.960 Another update from Meg, who had the new baby. She 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:49.120 was Mormon divorcing her husband on our Heather Gay episode, 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:53.840 so she says, Dear Chelsea, Heather and Catherine, I got 0:06:53.839 --> 0:06:55.839 to listen back to your advice when the Bad Mormon 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.200 episode was released and I needed to reach out to 0:06:58.200 --> 0:07:01.560 thank you. Your advice remains as grounding and centering as 0:07:01.600 --> 0:07:03.520 the day we met, even more so now that my 0:07:03.560 --> 0:07:06.640 ex has a new girlfriend. Chelsea was so right. The 0:07:06.640 --> 0:07:09.320 fear of it was far worse than the reality. We 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:12.560 found a place for me soon to be ex husbands girlfriend. 0:07:13.480 --> 0:07:16.720 Yes outside of their house than uh, it's walking distance 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:19.720 from my house, and we'll continue to co parent from 0:07:19.720 --> 0:07:23.440 a safer emotional distance starting next week. In watching my 0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:25.520 ex be free and date, I think it's safe to 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:28.960 say that, as Heather predicted, my hoore phase has definitely begun. 0:07:29.680 --> 0:07:32.440 I've found myself a talented, super hot hook up for 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:36.000 now who has hey yeah, who has graciously accepted the 0:07:36.080 --> 0:07:40.240 challenge of scheduling casual sex around a mom's shared custody agreement. 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:43.200 I'm not ready for anything serious, but when i am, 0:07:43.320 --> 0:07:45.760 I'll be sure to use your incredibly kind remarks about 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:48.880 my cuteness to hype me up before each date. Please 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:50.880 know I was sitting in front of a seasonal depression 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:54.440 lamp that would make anyone look super hot. Also, my 0:07:54.520 --> 0:07:56.920 principal from a school I worked in years ago called 0:07:56.920 --> 0:07:58.600 me up out of the blue and is working with 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:01.480 me to design a position at the school in which 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:04.440 I will be a social emotional behavioral coach for students 0:08:04.800 --> 0:08:07.720 as I apply for counseling psychology programs in the fall, 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:09.640 which is awesome because that was like one of her 0:08:09.640 --> 0:08:12.760 concerns bringing in money and that guy just contacted. 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:13.560 Her out of the blood. 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:17.320 That is called when you get your ducks in a row, 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:22.080 the good things come your way. Yes, yes, when you 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:26.000 raise your frequency, people with raised frequencies come your way, 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:28.640 and opportunity arises, and then abundance. 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:32.319 And this next line I loved. She goes very little 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:35.040 is settled, for sure, but so much is taking shape. 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:37.960 I'm so grateful for your wonderful advice that helped and 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:40.400 is still helping me to stay patient and strong and 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:42.040 so many moments of uncertainty. 0:08:42.720 --> 0:08:43.120 Chelsea. 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:45.840 You mentioned in a recent podcast you'd like to hop 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:47.640 off the karmic wheel for a while and be a 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:48.800 light worker or something. 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:53.319 Did I so, I was pretty stoned. 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:56.360 I know what you meant, and I hope you're granted 0:08:56.400 --> 0:09:00.200 a much deserved reprieve next lifetime. But I also hope 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:02.679 you know the work you're doing here on Earth now 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:05.560 is light work on a grand scale. The ripples go 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.360 farther than you'll ever get to see. Thank you all 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:11.320 for your kindness, authenticity and light in the world. With 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:12.360 love and gratitude. 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:16.520 Meg, That's nice, very so wonderful, good good. 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:19.520 I'm hoping this podcast absolves me of going straight to 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:20.360 fucking hell. 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:24.760 I think so. 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:29.480 Well, Chelsea. We're going to head into our calling in 0:09:29.760 --> 0:09:33.000 backup segment with Better Help, who is sponsoring this segment, 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:37.400 and today Courtney Cope is joining us licensed marriage family 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:42.880 therapist and principal clinical operations manager at Betterhelp. Hi Courtney, Hi, Courtney, Hi, 0:09:43.120 --> 0:09:47.560 great to see you both. Hi well, Angela writes Dear Chelsea. 0:09:47.640 --> 0:09:49.720 Before I go any further, I just want to point 0:09:49.760 --> 0:09:51.960 out that I love my mother in law dearly, but 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:53.960 I really could use some advice on how to deal 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:57.200 with her in certain situations. I need to rewind a 0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:00.000 bit before I was in the picture. My partner, who 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:02.600 now thirty seven, lost his sister to cancer when she 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:06.080 was just fifteen and he was ten. As anyone can imagine, 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:09.439 this completely broke them as a family and changed them completely. 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:11.840 We have a one year old little boy, and since 0:10:11.840 --> 0:10:13.920 having him, I have so much more empathy for what 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:17.520 they all went through. However, every time we're together, his 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:21.400 mom breaks down in tears. The crying isn't always about 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:23.960 her late daughter. Of course, I will always comfort and 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:25.920 listen when she speaks about her. This will never be 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:28.600 an issue for me, but it can be over anything. 0:10:29.120 --> 0:10:31.760 It can be over casual conversation about the weather, about 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:34.040 what books we're reading, even what we may be having 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:37.120 for tea that evening. A lot of the conversations we have, 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:40.040 I find she often puts a negative, debbie downer spin 0:10:40.080 --> 0:10:43.000 on it. She'll cry and get emotional at other people's 0:10:43.000 --> 0:10:46.600 problems too, even people she barely knows. But lately, I 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:48.520 just feel like every time we're due to see her, 0:10:48.640 --> 0:10:52.960 I instantly start to feel miserable. It's like I'm anticipating 0:10:52.960 --> 0:10:55.320 the emotions that are about to come, and I feel 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:57.800 like the life and happiness has been drained from me 0:10:57.880 --> 0:11:00.520 when I leave her. She also has a tendency to 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:04.520 make everything about her, which is extremely annoying. I completely 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:07.160 understand why she has this dark side to her, given 0:11:07.200 --> 0:11:09.880 everything that's happened in the past. I'd never want her 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:11.760 to feel like she can't talk about her daughter to me. 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.800 I'll hold her hand and cry and laugh on the occasion, 0:11:15.200 --> 0:11:17.560 but I can't deal with the constant downing of everything else. 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:20.040 So do you have any advice on how I can 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:22.880 handle this going forward. I always try and make light 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:25.840 of the situations, but it rarely works. Thanks for taking 0:11:25.840 --> 0:11:28.960 the time to read this Angela. 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:30.400 Well, Angela, I can't tell you how many therapy sessions 0:11:30.440 --> 0:11:32.480 I've had that started off with. First of all, I 0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:35.119 want to point out that I love my mother in law, dearlief, 0:11:35.240 --> 0:11:39.880 but so again super common. I want to say, I 0:11:39.920 --> 0:11:42.840 don't think this is a question about grief. This is 0:11:42.920 --> 0:11:47.640 really a question about this woman is feeling trapped and 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:50.240 not like she can do anything about the situation or 0:11:50.240 --> 0:11:52.720 that her efforts to change it in the past had 0:11:52.720 --> 0:11:56.280 been unsuccessful. And ideally, in a situation like this, I 0:11:56.280 --> 0:11:59.880 would love to see husband and wife sit down to 0:11:59.840 --> 0:12:03.600 you together, discuss this as a unit, and perhaps even 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:06.440 take two to three sessions with a couple's therapists to 0:12:06.480 --> 0:12:10.920 explore some solutions, because this is really about the husband, 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:12.960 the wife, and now their new one year old child 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:16.080 as a unit, deciding how they want to move forward 0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:19.200 with the relationship with his parents in a way that 0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:20.880 works for their family unit. 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:23.719 Yeah, I think that's good advice because you do need 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:26.240 like a team member because she does feel so trapped, 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:28.040 Like the idea of having to hang out with somebody 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:29.960 that's such a Debbie downer and knowing that it's an 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:34.200 obligation of yours by way of marriage isn't fair. It's 0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:36.920 just not only to a degree and you've reached your limit. 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:40.400 It sounds like right, And the general consensus among most 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:44.400 couples therapy experts is that it's really important that an 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:47.559 adult child, when they're now engaging in an intimate adult 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:51.680 relationship like a marriage, a domestic partnership, they have to 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:55.840 choose their partner over their parent. And what I mean 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.840 by that is, if something isn't working for their partner 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:02.360 or something's affecting them partner, they have to prioritize their 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:06.520 partner's feelings over their parents in order to be able 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:09.480 to move forward and have a healthy, well not only 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:14.040 a healthy relationship, but a healthy adult experience, because no 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:17.520 adult should be under the thumb of their mother or 0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:21.160 father's will imperpetuity, right, that would just hinder them as 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:23.760 an adult for the rest of their life. So that 0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:25.840 would be what I would say about that. But also 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:29.040 I just of course have to say losing a child 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:32.320 is of course considered one of the most ultimate tragedies 0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:35.920 and of course is going to impact somebody for the 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:37.040 rest of their life in. 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:37.920 Some way or another. 0:13:38.400 --> 0:13:42.040 That being said, it is not this person's job to 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:45.480 be their mother in law's therapist to sit down and 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:47.920 find solutions specific. 0:13:47.440 --> 0:13:48.640 For their mother in law. 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.480 So this is really I think about the husband and 0:13:51.520 --> 0:13:54.160 wife having constructive conversations here. 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:57.200 Yeah, absolutely, because it is his responsibility to get the 0:13:57.240 --> 0:13:58.320 situation started. 0:13:58.920 --> 0:13:59.920 You know, it's his mom. 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:04.120 And when that moment comes and you're like sitting around 0:14:04.120 --> 0:14:06.920 the table talking about literally the weather, and she breaks 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:08.280 down in tears. 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:09.040 What's the move? 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:12.679 I mean, my instinct is to be like, I'm going 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:15.000 to give you a couple minutes, like they're ver, I'm 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:17.040 going to give you a couple of minutes and walk away, 0:14:17.679 --> 0:14:20.440 But like that also feels a little icy cold from me. 0:14:20.840 --> 0:14:23.840 What's what's the move to like sort of break the 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:27.920 cycle that she knows is coming multiple times in every visit. 0:14:29.040 --> 0:14:32.440 Right, in an ideal world, we would have husband and 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:36.040 wife ahead of time, deciding like, hey, if mom starts 0:14:36.080 --> 0:14:38.800 crying or mother in law starts crying at this visit, 0:14:39.440 --> 0:14:42.280 husband is gonna step in and he's gonna take over 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:45.560 say something. Wife can excuse herself whatever it is, but 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.440 let's just say it's just her and mother in law. 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:48.680 Right. 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:52.800 I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding ahead of time, 0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:54.800 What do I have capacity for if I don't want 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:57.600 to go down this road for more than fifteen seconds 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:00.480 or thirty five seconds. Doing exactly what you you said, 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:05.000 Catherine is totally appropriate, Like I hear you and I'm 0:15:05.040 --> 0:15:07.560 gonna step outside and get some fresh air. You know, 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:09.560 I'm gonna go pour another cup of tea. Anything to 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:13.280 pattern interrupt would be really useful. But the other thing 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:16.360 I would also encourage is to have husband and wife 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:19.120 ahead of time, maybe start looking at the ways they're 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:22.880 spending time with mother in law and if there's ways 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:27.520 they can redirect that quality time together into avenues that 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:30.200 maybe won't bring it about as much. Now I want 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:31.680 to acknowledge they might be limited. They have a one 0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:33.400 year old, so it's not like they can take the 0:15:33.400 --> 0:15:35.080 one year old and just like go to theater or 0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:35.880 movies with the mother. 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:41.840 About taking your mother's skiing, I hear Chelsea's good at that. 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:47.760 So they definitely want to do things that are not 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:50.440 just sitting and staring at each other across from their 0:15:50.480 --> 0:15:53.240 cup of tea, right because that's going to invite probably 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.720 conversations that they don't want to have. So thinking ahead 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:58.880 of time of what they could do having a plan 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:01.080 with her husband that if it does come up, what's 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:02.600 he going to do to step in. And then the 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:05.840 last thing I'll say is, if someone is going to 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:09.720 speak directly to the mother in law about her behavior 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:13.800 or her grief or how anything she's doing is impacting anyone, 0:16:13.920 --> 0:16:16.480 it has to be from the husband. I would say 0:16:16.480 --> 0:16:18.880 it would be very difficult for that conversation to go 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:20.760 well if it came from the wife. And if it 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:24.160 comes from the husband, him and his mom have a 0:16:24.200 --> 0:16:27.960 shared experience of grief. They both lost a loved one, 0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:30.080 and so I think even for him to be able 0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:33.040 to say, you know, I get it. It's so hard. 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:37.240 We lost this person that we love and I'm working 0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:38.840 to be more in the moment, and I'd love for 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:40.440 you to be more in the moment with me. Just 0:16:40.440 --> 0:16:44.200 something that relates to her instead of shaming her blaming her, 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:45.680 I think would be really important here. 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:50.440 I really love that. Well, Courtney, Thank you. Courtney Cope 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:53.720 is a licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical 0:16:53.760 --> 0:16:57.200 operations manager at Betterhelp. And of course, thank you again 0:16:57.240 --> 0:16:59.760 to Better Help for sponsoring calling him back up. 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:00.840 Thanks so much for having me. 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:04.400 Thanks cordingks so let's take a quick break and we'll 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:06.000 be right back to take some callers. 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:11.600 Okay, and we're back. 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:15.800 We are all right. Our first two questions are kind 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:17.840 of two sides of the same coin, so I was 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:20.040 really curious what you'll have to say about tho, Chelsea. 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:25.280 Our first question comes from Michael. He's in Palm Springs. 0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:29.399 Dear Chelsea, I've been a sex researcher for the past 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:32.439 twenty years. In my field, I've worked closely with some 0:17:32.520 --> 0:17:35.880 of the smartest women possible. I've studied women and men 0:17:35.960 --> 0:17:39.879 my entire career, from their sexual practices to their relationships, 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:43.199 to their use of vibrators and other toys. My research 0:17:43.240 --> 0:17:46.040 partners have largely been women, and most of my true 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:49.439 best friends are women. However, I'm starting to develop a 0:17:49.480 --> 0:17:52.840 sense of anger at some women, loud straight women, and 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:55.600 I can't seem to shake it. A few years ago, 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:58.240 I left my academic career to move to Palm Springs 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:00.960 with my husband, who got a job offer we couldn't refuse. 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:04.560 You know what that means. Literally everyone I interact with 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:06.919 is a gay man in this city, and I'm rarely 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:10.199 around women unless a friend comes to visit. My husband 0:18:10.200 --> 0:18:12.320 and I go hiking several times per week in the 0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:16.080 local mountains. Almost every time we run into a group 0:18:16.119 --> 0:18:19.880 of young women, loud, screaming women who literally never shut 0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:24.119 up during the entire hike. They're always screaming about some randomness, 0:18:24.400 --> 0:18:26.640 and you can just hear their voices regardless of how 0:18:26.680 --> 0:18:29.240 far ahead we get past them. They are pushing me 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:31.760 over the edge. If it's a woman with a man, 0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:34.600 the woman is always talking. I don't understand why they 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:37.000 can't just enjoy the beauty of the desert and shut 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:39.280 the fuck up every now and then. And it's not 0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:41.960 just hiking. For some reason, every group of women that 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:44.679 comes to Palm Springs thinks that they are just what 0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:47.400 gay men are waiting for to make their day. They 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:50.080 come into gay bars and packs and literally scream the 0:18:50.280 --> 0:18:53.320