WEBVTT - Life, Death, & Baby Headbutts w/ Rachel Bloom 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:04.560 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:08.360 in partnership with I Heart Radio. Having a kid is 0:00:08.400 --> 0:00:11.240 so fucking hard. I mean one day I was like 0:00:11.960 --> 0:00:17.720 losing my mind. My daughter was very, very upset. She's screaming, 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:22.800 she headbutted me in the face, and then thirty minutes 0:00:22.880 --> 0:00:26.599 later she was playing in a fountain and watching her 0:00:26.680 --> 0:00:38.760 it was like I've never felt such joy. Hi everybody, 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:45.120 and welcome back to Katie's Crib. Wow, it is shockingly 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:49.479 about that time again. That's right. This is the season 0:00:50.040 --> 0:00:55.880 five finale of Katie's Crib. And I'm in shock because 0:00:55.960 --> 0:00:58.760 I can't believe it's been five seasons. And really I'm 0:00:58.800 --> 0:01:03.480 just so freaking grateful and want to say thank you 0:01:03.600 --> 0:01:07.559 to you all for listening. Thank you, thank you, thank 0:01:07.600 --> 0:01:12.520 you with all of my heart. Two was a absolutely 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:18.360 wild year. I've got two kids that are like just 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:21.839 not babies anymore. They're growing up, they're asking the hard questions, 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:25.960 they're becoming little humans themselves. And thanks to Katie's Crib, 0:01:26.040 --> 0:01:30.800 I get to take out all my questions and concerns 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:34.360 and thoughts here on this podcast with all of you 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:38.240 and all of our amazing experts and mamas who are 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:42.000 experiencing similar things to just come on, be together and 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:44.600 help me learn what the heck I am doing. My 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:47.680 Katie's Crib community has been such a source of inspiration 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:50.920 and support this year. And you know what else is 0:01:51.000 --> 0:01:53.200 hilarious and what I love so much about all of 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:56.720 you listeners is that for all the people who come 0:01:56.800 --> 0:01:59.440 up to me and fans of Scandal and Inventing Anna 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:03.280 fans all of that, it's really the Katie's Crib listeners 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:08.320 that I feel the most connected to and just find 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:12.680 myself laugh crying in the streets. Katie's Crib people will 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:15.120 come up to me and be like a great, great, great, yeah, fine, 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:18.200 Scandal amending Anna. No, really, Katie's Crib. It's what's gotten 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:21.880 me through some of the most difficult, challenging and rewarding 0:02:22.040 --> 0:02:25.440 and hard times of my life. And I find myself 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:29.040 just hugging and I get it. I feel like we're 0:02:29.080 --> 0:02:31.320 all in this together, and I'm truly just so appreciative. 0:02:31.360 --> 0:02:33.040 It means so much to me how you all continue 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:36.000 to tune in every week. You're all awesome. Thank you. 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:40.040 Now to wrap season five up, the guests that I 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:42.560 have here for you all today is the one and 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:47.919 only Rachel Bloom. Rachel Bloom. I have been such a 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:51.800 fan of her since she came onto the scene in 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:55.080 her show Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I think she's a force. 0:02:55.639 --> 0:02:58.040 And when I saw on her Instagram that she was 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:00.679 pregnant and sharing and all of that, I was like, 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:02.120 Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, we got to get 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:05.760 around Katie's crib. She's a great guest and I'm so 0:03:05.960 --> 0:03:08.560 happy to have her. As the season five finale, she 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:12.240 talks about the experience of giving birth around the same 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.919 time that a dear friend of her has died due 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:18.440 to COVID nineteen and how that affected her entire experience. 0:03:18.720 --> 0:03:21.360 She talks about her breastfeeding journey, how her daughters style 0:03:21.400 --> 0:03:24.200 of breastfeeding. She actually calls it a piranha, which I 0:03:24.200 --> 0:03:27.560 can definitely relate to. She talks about how parenting is 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:29.440 like living in New York, how it's got, you know, 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:32.360 all those highs and all those lows, and also how 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:35.480 her daughter once head budded her in the face. So 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:38.760 it's a very enjoyable episode. If you don't know who 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:41.640 Rachel Bloom is, she's an actress, comedian, writer, singer, songwriter 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:44.400 and producer. She's best known for co creating and starring 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:47.080 as Rebecca Bunch in the c W musical comedy drama 0:03:47.160 --> 0:03:51.520 series Crazy Ex Girlfriend. She's received numerous awards, including a 0:03:51.560 --> 0:03:53.440 Golden Globe Award and a t c A Award in 0:03:53.440 --> 0:03:56.680 the Critics Choice Television Award. In a Prime Time Emmy, 0:03:57.480 --> 0:04:00.440 she was featured in Trolls World Tour opposite to Kendrick 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:03.840 and Justin Timberlake. Her other feature voice over credits include 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:07.880 Columbia Pictures, Angry Birds, to Warner Brothers Animations, Batman Versus 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:13.320 Teenage Turtles, and Netflix's Extinct. Two fifteen, Rachel married actor, 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:17.480 comedian and writer Dan Gregor. She gave birth to her 0:04:17.520 --> 0:04:25.159 first child, Rachel. Welcome to Katie's crib. I'm a fan. 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:27.920 Like I'm a real fan of yours. Oh my gosh, 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:30.960 thank you. Likewise, I just think you're the ship. And 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:34.960 I don't know if you remember this, but one time, 0:04:36.080 --> 0:04:40.040 like a night before fancy Hollywood bullshit party, that's really fun. 0:04:40.080 --> 0:04:42.240 It's actually the most fun one because it's the night 0:04:42.279 --> 0:04:44.440 before party. I think it's the night before the Emmys. 0:04:45.520 --> 0:04:48.440 We were crossing each other's paths on the way in 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:50.719 or out of the bathroom. And I don't know if 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:52.800 I said at the time that I just think you're 0:04:52.839 --> 0:04:56.880 so fucking wildly talented, please live, did I? So a 0:04:56.880 --> 0:04:58.840 couple of things happened that night that might have blocked 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:02.920 this out, which is one of my agents basically convinced 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:06.320 my husband to be okay with having a kid, Like 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:12.440 he made my husband cry at this party. That's big, yes. 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:15.120 And then I think this was a party where I 0:05:15.160 --> 0:05:18.359 was smoking a cigarette, which I rarely do, but I 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:22.080 was like fuck it and Mandy Patinkin told me to stop. 0:05:24.000 --> 0:05:27.760 I think what was maybe this one? So there were 0:05:27.800 --> 0:05:30.520 things that happened at this this party because it was 0:05:30.520 --> 0:05:33.960 the only time I went that might have blocked out 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:37.920 your kind words for my memory. Well, if there was 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:40.119 ever going to be a thing, let it be both 0:05:40.120 --> 0:05:42.760 of those. And also, I'm here to tell you now 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:47.320 I'm a massive fan and thank you. That party is insane, 0:05:47.600 --> 0:05:53.400 Like it's just really wonderful because it's where actors feel 0:05:54.279 --> 0:05:56.360 we get gussied up, and there's good food. Like my 0:05:56.440 --> 0:05:58.920 husband just as obsessed because there's like a lobster roll 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:01.719 bar and he just like sits and eats all fucking 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:06.960 night long. But it's like, I do think everyone feels 0:06:07.000 --> 0:06:09.560 a little bit more comfortable to like smoke a cigarette 0:06:09.600 --> 0:06:12.839 or whatever because there isn't like a roaming photographer or 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:16.000 it just feels like a little bit I don't know 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:18.400 if you could say safer, but it just feels I've 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:22.200 had like I had the fortunate um we got to 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:24.480 go with Scandal for a bunch of years, and it 0:06:24.520 --> 0:06:27.760 was just like always like where I could fan out 0:06:27.800 --> 0:06:29.600 the most because in such a TV head like I 0:06:29.839 --> 0:06:32.560 don't really understand movies or care that much about them, 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:35.559 but I fucking love television and I always have. And 0:06:35.680 --> 0:06:37.800 so when I get to go to that party, I'm like, 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:42.240 it's every guest that I love, including Rachel bloom Um, 0:06:42.279 --> 0:06:44.240 who we have so many friends in coming. I'm just 0:06:44.279 --> 0:06:47.280 so glad to have you on. But actually, this Night 0:06:47.279 --> 0:06:51.760 before Hollywood Shenanigan story brings me to my first question, 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:57.520 which is you gave birth to your child during COVID 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:01.599 at the same time close close friend of yours passed 0:07:01.640 --> 0:07:04.880 away due to COVID, and I think it's really weird 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:08.280 that the same a party where someone told you not 0:07:08.360 --> 0:07:11.960 to smoke, maybe so that you wouldn't die is the 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:14.760 same night that your husband decided that you may have kids. 0:07:14.760 --> 0:07:17.000 And I just think that when you become a mom, 0:07:17.200 --> 0:07:20.160 it's like death thoughts all the time. And I can't 0:07:20.160 --> 0:07:22.520 even and that. And that's coming from someone who didn't 0:07:22.560 --> 0:07:26.200 have a good friend die of COVID. So explained to me, 0:07:26.320 --> 0:07:29.840 do you have this sick local life death thoughts all 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:33.680 the time? Like I do? I do? And I'm actually 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:36.080 I've been. I'm working on a live show that I 0:07:36.120 --> 0:07:39.880 hope to be a film special literally about that that 0:07:39.960 --> 0:07:43.960 which is the experience of giving birth. I gave birth 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:47.600 late March. The night I gave birth, I found out 0:07:47.600 --> 0:07:50.640 Adam was sick. I didn't know Adam was sick um 0:07:50.720 --> 0:07:55.040 and then he basically died the day after we took 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:56.840 her home from the hospital because she was also in 0:07:56.880 --> 0:07:59.760 the nick you And so it was this huge wall 0:07:59.800 --> 0:08:05.160 of of a death and sickness awareness at once and 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:08.040 a big question. And what the show I'm working on 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:12.800 is about, how do I live my life knowing that 0:08:12.960 --> 0:08:16.000 death is real? Knowing I always knew death was real, 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.520 but like knowing you know, like on a heart level, 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:21.600 that death is real and can come any time, but 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:25.200 also not having it paralyzed me. And it was yeah, 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:31.880 I mean it was extremely traumatic. It was extremely formative. Uh. 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:34.679 And it's funny. I talked to other moms who who 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:38.240 gave birth during this time, but because things were changing 0:08:38.360 --> 0:08:43.840 so much, if you gave birth between like mid March 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:50.920 and like June, your experience might not be the same 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:55.319 as as someone else. Like so, for instance, there were 0:08:55.400 --> 0:09:00.000 fathers banned from delivery rooms. And I actually got induced. Uh. 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:03.600 My doctor basically was like, look, we don't know what 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:06.720 is going to happen. If the hospitals here anything like 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:11.079 New York, we are going to get inundated with patients. 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:12.760 So I want to get you in and out of 0:09:12.760 --> 0:09:15.200 the hospital as quick as possible. Now, what ended up 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:18.040 happening was unrelated to me getting induced. My daughter was 0:09:18.080 --> 0:09:20.400 in the Nike You. She ended up staying in the 0:09:20.440 --> 0:09:25.320 hospital for five more days, and I was I was 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:28.120 really kind of freaking out because COVID was ramping up 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:29.520 and by then I knew Adam was sick, and it 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:31.640 was really it was so weird they still didn't have 0:09:31.720 --> 0:09:35.439 us masking in the Nike You. It's really weird. So 0:09:35.440 --> 0:09:39.520 so when when I gave birth, it was so early 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:43.040 in COVID. I wore a mask into the hospital, my 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:45.440 first time wearing a mask anywhere. I took off my 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:48.360 mask the second we got to the maternity floor. I 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:51.080 wasn't masked when I gave birth. When when my daughter 0:09:51.080 --> 0:09:52.680 was in the nike I didn't have to wear a mask. 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:54.640 I had to wash my hands. It was the hand 0:09:54.640 --> 0:09:58.480 washing thing. I didn't wear a mask around my daughter, 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:00.839 but I had to like do the whole scrub scrub, 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:03.959 scrub your thumb, scrubby wrists thing. And then my husband 0:10:03.960 --> 0:10:06.199 and I couldn't be in the nikkei at the same time. 0:10:07.120 --> 0:10:09.280 That was the COVID regulation that came in. And then 0:10:09.280 --> 0:10:11.880 by the time we left the hospital, but my daughter 0:10:11.960 --> 0:10:15.040 was still in the nikke you, my husband could not 0:10:15.080 --> 0:10:17.400 go back in the hospital period. So my husband didn't 0:10:17.440 --> 0:10:21.960 see my daughter for until she came until she got home. 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:27.679 I just like, there's so much death around us, and 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:31.840 it's really hard to like buy in and you gotta start. 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:34.360 And I got my start with my baby too. Like 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:38.400 you know, I had the experience where I was waiting 0:10:38.400 --> 0:10:41.040 in line with pregnant women, like praying for someone to 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:45.079 give us a vaccine, and my O b because it 0:10:45.160 --> 0:10:49.439 wasn't the vaccines, weren't being pregnant, women were not considered 0:10:49.520 --> 0:10:52.280 high risk yet um in terms of people who were 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:54.560 allowed to get vaccinated, and it started to get out that, 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:56.520 oh my gosh, if you could get a vaccine, that 0:10:56.600 --> 0:11:01.720 might help your baby not get COVID. I mean, anyway 0:11:01.800 --> 0:11:04.200 we have we are all at this moment living to 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:09.240 tell this story, and it's just traumatic. I think what 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:15.080 we're all realizing too, is that the past years where 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.320 there was no pandemic was kind of an anomaly that 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:23.760 more of human history than not our war and pandemics. 0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:28.679 So I think that we're especially shocked because when you 0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:32.200 don't have hardship and you're in a period of relative 0:11:32.280 --> 0:11:37.160 like economic boom and safety, to be sincere about things 0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:40.600 is not cool. You want to like talk about the 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:45.599 fucking darkest ship, and that's not the way life is anymore. 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:52.680 Things have cycled back to I mean chaos, which seems 0:11:52.720 --> 0:11:57.560 to be the stasis more often than not. Yeah, I 0:11:57.559 --> 0:11:59.680 think we were all like someone came over my house 0:11:59.720 --> 0:12:02.040 for life fourth and she was like, oh, I'm just realizing, 0:12:02.080 --> 0:12:05.360 like it was like it was all a lie, but 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:07.560 we were like living in it for so long I 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:10.720 mean I definitely was. But to your point, like Shonda 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:13.240 Rhymes when she did Scandal, I mean, she's been on 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:16.839 record saying like, you know, I don't know how long 0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:19.600 Scandal would have lasted, but she was the one she 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:23.040 made the decision that the show was ending and there 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:25.319 were no more stories to tell. But it was because 0:12:25.360 --> 0:12:29.760 she's saying, you know, political shows really do well and 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:33.679 exist when the lights are on, uh in d C 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:37.480 and when things seem you know, like if you look 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:39.680 at when west Wing was on, I was just about 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:43.240 to say west Wing being a liberal wet dream, right exactly. 0:12:43.320 --> 0:12:45.719 And same with Scandal, she was like the minute the 0:12:45.720 --> 0:12:51.240 world when a different direction. She and all of a sudden, 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:54.600 it seemed like the d C we were telling about 0:12:54.720 --> 0:12:58.040 was not even close to as bad as what was 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:02.440 really going on. It just didn't seem fun anymore. Um. Now, 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:06.000 talking about your husband, going back to that point, did 0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:08.800 he not always want to be a parent and someone 0:13:08.920 --> 0:13:10.920 convinced him at that party? And did you always want 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:13.240 to be a parent, Like it was a process. He 0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:15.560 wasn't totally convinced at that party. So my husband and 0:13:15.559 --> 0:13:17.960 I've been together almost fourteen years, and so we talked 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:21.120 about kids a lot. We were always talking about kids. 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:23.800 I haven't actually an old A O L I AM 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:27.280 conversation from when we were just friends, because we've known 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:32.360 each other for like seventeen eighteen years, and so we 0:13:32.360 --> 0:13:34.440 were having an I AM conversation. I like went I 0:13:34.480 --> 0:13:36.840 went in a while ago printed out all of our 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:39.000 old A O L conversations and I'm so glad I 0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:41.360 did in some of our old G chats, and we 0:13:41.440 --> 0:13:44.440 have like an early conversation where we were just friends 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:47.320 talking about like baby names. I don't know why. It 0:13:47.440 --> 0:13:50.400 was just it was so random, and I was fully 0:13:50.800 --> 0:13:52.840 not dating him. In fact, I was dating one of 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:57.520 his friends, so it makes no sense. But umlass, yeah, 0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:00.880 my husband, he wasn't like never ever, but he's like, 0:14:01.240 --> 0:14:06.040 I'm edging towards no. I could be convinced. You'd have 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:12.040 to like really convince me, and I was mildly on 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:15.520 the side of yes, but it wasn't part of my 0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:18.880 kind of future identity. I wasn't like I want to 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:20.880 be a mom. It was just it was more of 0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:23.360 a I think I want that for myself someday. But 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.400 you could also convince me no. So we both kind 0:14:26.400 --> 0:14:28.920 of always saw both sides. I was more positive, he 0:14:28.960 --> 0:14:30.600 was more negative, but we were kind of in that 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:35.040 middle road, and then he kind of stayed where he was. 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:37.960 I got a little more I want this, I want this, 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:40.920 I want this is frankly, I felt my biological clock 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:47.760 kicking and also crazy X was a majority mom's writer's room. 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:49.880 My writing partner, Lean is twenty years older than I am. 0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:54.200 She's too now grown kids, and so I spent I 0:14:54.240 --> 0:14:56.760 started to spend a lot of time practically with moms 0:14:57.440 --> 0:15:00.680 in the workplace and seeing no, no no, no, you keep 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:04.280 your identity while also having kids, and I hadn't. I 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:07.480 just hadn't worked with moms much, and so that was 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:12.040 also It was definitely a factor, and I don't know, 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:15.080 I got him on board, and then I got pregnant 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:18.000 right away. He thought we'd be having fun trying for 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:24.240 six months. I got pregnant on the first cycle, poor guy. UM. 0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:27.880 And then he found out he we were having a girl, 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:31.000 and he was that really helped. He really wanted a girl, 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:36.600 um for many reasons. And you know, he wasn't wrong. 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:41.760 It's really fucking hard, like we were both right. I 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:44.320 was right that I wanted to feel that love and 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:48.000 have that have that experience, and he was right that 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:51.080 it was going to change our fundamental dynamic in our 0:15:51.120 --> 0:15:54.440 lives and be really hard. We were both right. It's 0:15:54.440 --> 0:15:57.160 both things, and it's why I think a lot of 0:15:57.160 --> 0:15:59.560 people who have kids suddenly become those people who were like, 0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:01.640 at everyone has to have kids, or you're not having kids? 0:16:01.640 --> 0:16:03.400 Why are you having kids? And I think there's a 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:06.680 little death protest too much in that, because I think 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:09.720 it's maybe the people who do that either they really 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:11.720 really love their kids and they want for everyone, or 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:15.280 they're trying to continue to tell themselves a story that yes, 0:16:15.440 --> 0:16:17.080 having this was the right thing to do when everyone 0:16:17.120 --> 0:16:19.480 needs to do this. I never tell anyone to have 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:21.120 a kid, but I'm trying to put myself in that 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:23.920 person's shoes, where if I was trying to bargain someone 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:27.920 to like not miss that boat. It's because I'm praying 0:16:28.000 --> 0:16:29.880 that when I get to the end of my life 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:32.360 and I can really look at it, whenever that is, 0:16:32.400 --> 0:16:35.520 and that split second, I will have said, I'm so 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:39.560 grateful I made that choice. I'm so grateful I was 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:42.560 a mom to somebody. I'm like you, I see all 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:44.320 sides of it. I'm like there are some days where 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:46.160 this is the best fucking thing ever. And there are 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:50.680 some days where I'm like, I cannot get on a 0:16:50.760 --> 0:16:53.800 plane with a fake identity and like a different boyfriend 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:57.840 and like just do it different, like because this is 0:16:57.880 --> 0:17:00.560 so fucking hard. Having a kid is so fucking hard. 0:17:00.560 --> 0:17:04.399 I mean, one day I was like losing my mind. 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:09.560 My daughter was very, very upset. She was screaming, she 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:14.359 head butted me in the face, and then thirty minutes 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:18.160 later she was playing in a fountain and watching her 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:22.919 it was like, I've never felt such joy. It's like 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:25.200 I compared to living in New York the highs or 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:29.040 highs and the lows are low. Yes, it's harder than 0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:31.160 we thought, but we went into this knowing it would 0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:34.000 be hard. And so I mean, I've been thinking about 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:36.040 this a lot lately. Like I think a lot of 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:39.520 the world's problems are caused by people becoming parents who 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:43.040 shouldn't be parents, and then they emotionally and or physically 0:17:43.119 --> 0:17:47.320 abuse their children. Uh, and then there these children are 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:49.800 humans and adults walking amongst the world who haven't dealt 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:53.199 with that horrible trauma and now they're awful. Yes, Like, 0:17:53.359 --> 0:17:56.200 because you know the world is the world is bad 0:17:56.280 --> 0:18:01.399 because of trauma, right, and being parents who shouldn't be 0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:06.520 parents UM is one of the big traumas. And so like, 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:08.639 I'm amazed that you have to take a test to 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:11.359 drive a car, but there's no test to become parents, 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:15.440 or there's no like required class. It's insane. It's totally 0:18:15.480 --> 0:18:18.960 insane and the quickest way I feel like why being 0:18:18.960 --> 0:18:21.359 a parent. One of the many reasons why parenting is 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:27.119 hard is because anything you haven't worked out or looked 0:18:27.160 --> 0:18:34.040 into or looked at about yourself, ah, a light is 0:18:34.160 --> 0:18:37.600 shine on it, even more so with your child, Like 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:41.280 if you have people pleasing issues, or if you have 0:18:41.800 --> 0:18:45.440 rage issues, or if you have patients issues, or if 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:48.199 you have a horrible relationship with your parents. I mean 0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:51.560 just all of it is accentuated come to light even 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:57.840 further by this child that you've been given UM, And 0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:00.320 so you've got to work out your own ship if 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:03.679 you want to be a good parent. Really, I mean really, Oh, 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:08.560 my husband and I did couples therapy when we decided 0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:11.760 to get pregnant, just just to like preemptively do it, 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:14.640 and then we were doing it all throughout us pregnant, 0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:17.679 like just to do it just to like talk through issues, 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:21.480 talk through Okay, what's our family philosophy? It was awesome, right, 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:23.879 Like you don't learn until you get there. But you're like, oh, 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:25.760 are we those parents that like fight in front of 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:27.600 our kids? Do we not fight in front of our kids? 0:19:27.600 --> 0:19:29.639 Do we raise our voices? Do we not raise our voices? 0:19:29.680 --> 0:19:31.840 Do we sit down to a dinner table? Do we not? 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:35.320 What happens when the child asks if there's a god? 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:37.760 How do you talk to your children about death? I mean, 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:41.119 all of this ship is like big stuff that a 0:19:41.119 --> 0:19:45.280 lot of times you don't even really have these conversations. 0:19:45.280 --> 0:19:47.240 A lot of people don't have these conversations with their 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:50.040 significant other or partner if there is a partner in 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:52.919 this with them. Uh in how to raise a person 0:20:02.480 --> 0:20:08.359 totally shifting gears, How was your pregnancy, I'd say six, 0:20:09.800 --> 0:20:13.119 you know, which is about where you and your husband 0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:17.480 were in the pro and five exactly, I would say sixty, good, forty. 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:21.159 I never threw up. I don't throw up easily. I 0:20:21.280 --> 0:20:24.000 was so nauseous all the time for the first three 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:27.439 and a half four months, and then I got pretty 0:20:27.440 --> 0:20:32.159 bad back problems, back pain starting at six months to 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:34.000 where I had to like carry around a cushion, a 0:20:34.040 --> 0:20:38.399 personal cushion everywhere we went. I couldn't. Basically, I needed 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:41.600 something to be bolstering the small of my back. You've 0:20:41.640 --> 0:20:47.680 always been a larger size in the breast department, and 0:20:47.720 --> 0:20:51.600 then I'm sure with pregnancy and breastfeeding that did not 0:20:51.720 --> 0:20:55.840 help any back situation. No. So, so it was interesting 0:20:55.880 --> 0:20:59.080 because I always had big boobs, but but I wasn't 0:20:59.160 --> 0:21:02.159 unhappy with them. I wasn't like I always had big 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:04.159 boobs and I and yeah, there were like pains and 0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:06.040 I did a song called heavy Boobs and I joke 0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:08.040 about it. But like I never wanted a reduction or 0:21:08.040 --> 0:21:11.520 craved reduction. When I got pregnant started breastfeeding, I went 0:21:11.600 --> 0:21:15.520 from a double triple D to a G very fast, 0:21:16.600 --> 0:21:19.399 and and the way that my G was it was 0:21:19.520 --> 0:21:24.000 just no shape anymore. And I have a short torso, 0:21:24.480 --> 0:21:27.520 so when you put a shapeless G on a short torso, 0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:31.879 my breasts were down in my belly button. And I 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:34.640 was like, I can't, I can't live my life like 0:21:34.840 --> 0:21:38.080 so I had a reduction pretty soon. I mean I 0:21:38.119 --> 0:21:41.760 had a reduction. Mm hmm. It was it was like 0:21:41.800 --> 0:21:44.320 a year and a half after I gave birth, Wow, 0:21:44.600 --> 0:21:47.000 and it was great. How was breastfeeding? How was that 0:21:47.119 --> 0:21:51.119 journey for you? I had a very drama free breastfeeding journey. 0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:54.639 I only ever made about four ounces. Um, and my 0:21:54.760 --> 0:21:58.359 daughter was They were like, I took a like quiz 0:21:58.400 --> 0:22:00.920 one time, what what style of us feeding as your baby? 0:22:00.960 --> 0:22:05.320 In her style was called piranha, which is that the 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:07.280 second she you put her on the nipples, she just 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:11.200 went on ringing, and so she was so hungry, so 0:22:11.920 --> 0:22:14.600 very quickly I started supplementing with formula just because I 0:22:14.920 --> 0:22:17.080 even at my fullest, I only ever made four ounces. 0:22:17.920 --> 0:22:20.760 But but I made and I'm actually still lactating in 0:22:20.840 --> 0:22:22.800 my left boob. If I squeeze really hard, I can 0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:24.720 still get a drop out. It's real weird. Oh yeah. 0:22:24.720 --> 0:22:27.240 I was with someone who will remain nameless, who hasn't 0:22:27.280 --> 0:22:29.680 breast been in like seven or eight years, and we 0:22:29.800 --> 0:22:31.800 were just like squeezing our nipples next to each other 0:22:31.880 --> 0:22:33.800 in a bathroom because I had a clog, and she 0:22:34.000 --> 0:22:38.040 just like squeezed out this like green fucking ooze, and 0:22:38.160 --> 0:22:43.119 I just was like green, that's like the body is insane. 0:22:43.880 --> 0:22:48.160 The body is so weird. Green. That's interesting, dark, deep 0:22:48.359 --> 0:22:54.080 like Kale Green. Yeah, I don't know. It's like super colostrum, right, 0:22:54.560 --> 0:22:59.159 I think, So, how is your actual labor? I had 0:22:59.240 --> 0:23:01.240 had this thing. I I basically had I guess what 0:23:01.359 --> 0:23:04.800 you'd call Braxton Hicks because every time in my last 0:23:04.880 --> 0:23:06.680 two months of pregnancy, every time I had to go 0:23:06.760 --> 0:23:11.720 to the bathroom, I'd start getting up cramps like contractions, 0:23:12.400 --> 0:23:14.360 And then every time I went to the bathroom, I'd 0:23:14.400 --> 0:23:17.080 get cramps again. It was just I think the way 0:23:17.119 --> 0:23:21.120