Speaker 1: You should never ask for advice outside of your relationship,
Speaker 1: except if you asking us dead ass, because listen to
Speaker 1: Lettuce is my favorite part of the show. Let's diving, y'all. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know
Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading
Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll
Speaker 1: make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created
Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most
Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ads
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. If fuck nowma right to you,
Speaker 1: I day, I packed up Seilly time and that send
Speaker 1: it up for now? Are dropping in the email box.
Speaker 1: You're not gonna sing the bridge or the hook or
Speaker 1: whatever it is. You're not gonna You're not gonna see it.
Speaker 1: I don't know the words really, and I don't be
Speaker 1: faking it, Like, what about sending my little sit sending
Speaker 1: my love exactly, praying that you ceiling with the kids,
Speaker 1: sending my love. Hey, we love when y'all send y'all
Speaker 1: love to us. Yes we do. And you ask us
Speaker 1: for our two cents because you know we got two
Speaker 1: cents to spare. It's about be trying to teach you
Speaker 1: all in the karaoke. Noticed that, right, every time I've
Speaker 1: seen the karaoke, I give you all my best. He's
Speaker 1: to be giving y'all the barren minium. Didn't even want
Speaker 1: to see in my lane, but yeah I did. I
Speaker 1: have to make sure that my lyrics straight because I
Speaker 1: don't like to be fumbling people's lyrics. No money care
Speaker 1: about the lyrics. You know, it's all about the essence,
Speaker 1: all right, all right, I'll give you all essence from
Speaker 1: now on. Is that enough? Yes? Because they're gonna be
Speaker 1: singing the wrong words with us. This is what is
Speaker 1: what we do. That is a fact. Listen to letters
Speaker 1: are great when we do the live shows. People can't
Speaker 1: wait to stand up and do their listening letters in person.
Speaker 1: It's just funny to watch people be like nobody judged
Speaker 1: me by my ask this question, what's the wildest listening
Speaker 1: letter we've ever had or that we can remember. I
Speaker 1: feel like there was a wild one that we had
Speaker 1: sometime last season, and I cannot place it. All I
Speaker 1: know is that dude, say he jacked four or five
Speaker 1: times a jay and he married. I just want to
Speaker 1: know what kind of job he got. What he could
Speaker 1: just step away and just rub one out real quick,
Speaker 1: like that's that's a lot of jacking to do. That
Speaker 1: was because if you figure four or five times a
Speaker 1: day and you're up, how many people are up on
Speaker 1: average of how many hours, Let's think twelve to fifteen
Speaker 1: hours a day, so that means every at least three hours, Like,
Speaker 1: that's how many meals. I'm trying to get in to
Speaker 1: lose this goddamn weight. I'm trying to eat six the day.
Speaker 1: You know what, I guess this is there's a way.
Speaker 1: I guess it's a way. So instead of eating, we're jacking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't judge, don't judge, my man, he's being vulnerable with us,
Speaker 1: letting us know what it is. Hey, no judgment at all,
Speaker 1: but I was just trying. That was one of the
Speaker 1: wildest listener letters I have had for sure, it's a
Speaker 1: lot of jack. And how does he stay hydrated? Just
Speaker 1: letting out that much fluid? Four or five times a
Speaker 1: day every day? Drink a bottle of water after each
Speaker 1: That's thirty five jacks a freaking week. Bro, that's over
Speaker 1: a hundred and twenty jacks a month ago. That's mad
Speaker 1: jacks protein at all? Like, where does it god? Fluent
Speaker 1: and protein? Bro? Where does it go? I don't know?
Speaker 1: In the sock? I guess. I don't know. Bro, this
Speaker 1: is a lot. Hey, you don't let that discourage you
Speaker 1: all from writing in. I promise you. I promise you
Speaker 1: did no judgment here. We'll just be trying to figure
Speaker 1: things out, you know what I'm saying. All right, let's
Speaker 1: dive into the first one. Hey, Hey, Dvalin Cadeen. First
Speaker 1: of all, I want to say that I love listening
Speaker 1: to you guys and see your family videos. I sometimes
Speaker 1: even share them with my husband, which brings me to
Speaker 1: my situation. My husband and I have been celebrating, or
Speaker 1: we'll be celebrating our first winning anniversary coming up in September. Now, Devout,
Speaker 1: I've heard you say in a previous episode how much
Speaker 1: you miss your girlfriend. That's exactly how I feel. I
Speaker 1: missed my boyfriend. Were twenty six and we moved in
Speaker 1: together about four months ago from being in a committed
Speaker 1: relationship with one another. We we've known each other most
Speaker 1: of our lives, and I've spent plenty of time around
Speaker 1: his family due to his cousin being my best friend
Speaker 1: for about fifteen years. We got engaged one year into
Speaker 1: our relationship and married nine months later. We've had our rifts,
Speaker 1: of course, about small things that happened in our everyday life.
Speaker 1: He really enjoys playing video games two K and looks
Speaker 1: at that time as his alone time and relaxation. I've
Speaker 1: gotten better with allowing him to have that time, even
Speaker 1: though most times it takes up the majority once we're
Speaker 1: both home from work. Allow It's funny to hear a
Speaker 1: woman say, allow him have that time, but let him.
Speaker 1: Man say we allow our wives, they'd be ready to
Speaker 1: just fight. You don't allow me to do nothing not bad.
Speaker 1: You're right now. I'm triggered, right now. You triggered over there.
Speaker 1: Trigger warning. You should have put a trigger warning this
Speaker 1: because listen develop sping some kind of way. We sometimes
Speaker 1: even have disagreements about how we deal with each other's needs.
Speaker 1: I want him to be more affectionate and allow me
Speaker 1: to be my affectionate, energetic self without feeling like I'm
Speaker 1: bothering him. He's saying that life is in a fairy
Speaker 1: tale or a movie, which, uh, I know what I'm what.
Speaker 1: What I want is to feel loved and feel that
Speaker 1: we can have fun together, even if it's just being
Speaker 1: at home. There's a saying that the man must love
Speaker 1: the woman more than she loves him for the things
Speaker 1: to work. Really about that, sometimes I'm not sure if
Speaker 1: that's the case with us. Of course, things are different
Speaker 1: and some things will be difficult. In the first year
Speaker 1: of marriage. I look forward to coming home to him
Speaker 1: showing and showing him my love, but whenever we actually
Speaker 1: spend time together, it seems like it's a chore for him,
Speaker 1: or not something he really wants to do. We've even
Speaker 1: thought about just drawing back from each other a bit
Speaker 1: and somewhat detaching. I care very much, and he doesn't
Speaker 1: feel like anything is wrong. I see how other people
Speaker 1: are with their significant others, including you guys, but my
Speaker 1: best friend and her boyfriend, and I long to have
Speaker 1: that in relationship with my husband. MM Hmmm, that's what
Speaker 1: I know. How do I get the man I fell
Speaker 1: in love with without feeling like I'm forcing him to
Speaker 1: enjoy being with me. I don't want to push him
Speaker 1: away or lose him. First of all, says, you don't
Speaker 1: necessarily want what me and Devout have because the struggles
Speaker 1: that we've had, which we vocalized and we've spoken about
Speaker 1: a lot on this podcast, um are things that we
Speaker 1: continue to still struggle with. Devout is a super affectionate one.
Speaker 1: I'm not I enjoy She went to sleep last night.
Speaker 1: I didn't say I love you and nothing to me.
Speaker 1: She just went in the bed, didn't say good night
Speaker 1: enough mad tide, y'all. I just didn't. I just fell asleep.
Speaker 1: And I have many nights like that, and I need
Speaker 1: to do better. I do because mad nights like that
Speaker 1: that I just go to sleep and I just go
Speaker 1: to the room, and she'd already be sleep, no good night,
Speaker 1: no love you. They'd be nice that I wake up
Speaker 1: and uh, you know what when I wake up and
Speaker 1: I'll lay one on you. Yeah, it happens. Let's talk
Speaker 1: about let's that's a lie. That is a whole lie.
Speaker 1: You never just wake up and lay one on me,
Speaker 1: I wake you up to get it laid on me.
Speaker 1: It is a difference, is a difference. Well, you get up,
Speaker 1: you get up right, but you don't ever just wake
Speaker 1: up like, oh my god, look at my husband over there,
Speaker 1: definitely not doing that. Let me give him the sloppy
Speaker 1: ropy right now, tired. But when I'm up, though, and
Speaker 1: when he wakes me up, I'd be ready to go. No.
Speaker 1: I was shaking my head to her statement about, uh,
Speaker 1: I look at you guys, and don't do that. The
Speaker 1: minute you tailor make your relationship to other people's expectations,
Speaker 1: you're gonna fail. Because no one can be as good
Speaker 1: as me and Codeine are at being me and Codeine.
Speaker 1: We're already doing it you. No one is ever gonna
Speaker 1: be as good as that. Like no, because because no
Speaker 1: one's ever gonna be as good as you are, as
Speaker 1: being you are to you and your your man, like
Speaker 1: we could try to be y'all and it won't work.
Speaker 1: Like if I try to play two K and K
Speaker 1: try and I'm like, you see how she'd be on
Speaker 1: on him. Let me play two K. Maybe you be
Speaker 1: on me. It's not gonna work. I'm just trying to
Speaker 1: emulate something I see, but it's not something that I
Speaker 1: want or need. What you have to do is tell
Speaker 1: him over and over and over again what you want
Speaker 1: and what you need. Because marriage is an ongoing conversation.
Speaker 1: It's never gonna end. My Yeah, it's really never gonna end.
Speaker 1: Like it's literally every day waking up and deciding to
Speaker 1: have those conversations to make those choices. You know, I
Speaker 1: but I do understand her feeling though, like the feeling
Speaker 1: of not being wanted. Like Kadeine and I tell Conine
Speaker 1: all the time, I'm a super affectionate person. Knein walks
Speaker 1: by me, I'm gonna grab her, I'm gonna rub her,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna whisper something in her, and I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: tell her come here. And she's be like what, delt
Speaker 1: like what what? I'm just like nothing, And I just
Speaker 1: rub your thigh real quick, and then I'll just walk
Speaker 1: by her and then it's like not the same. But
Speaker 1: you also have to understand that people have different ways
Speaker 1: of showing love, and if you expect the person that
Speaker 1: you want to spend a much of your life with
Speaker 1: to be exactly on the same page with you in
Speaker 1: every aspect of life, you're gonna be up for disappointment
Speaker 1: because people show love differently. So yeah, I mean I
Speaker 1: feel like that the term love language. I don't know
Speaker 1: if that's overused now because I know I'll be tired
Speaker 1: of hearing of it. But I think it's a real thing.
Speaker 1: It definitely is a real thing, trying to decipher how
Speaker 1: people are able to display love, how they're able to
Speaker 1: receive love, what's needed, where the deficits may lie, so
Speaker 1: um have those conversations with her this, and also to
Speaker 1: realize that it's a lot different sometimes too, once you
Speaker 1: finally move in together, Like was he super affectionate just
Speaker 1: as the boyfriend? And then the minute y'all got together,
Speaker 1: it's like, now he's here, living together ahead of time
Speaker 1: or not, because there's the moments to miss each other.
Speaker 1: Think about when you're traveling, for example, when you're away,
Speaker 1: when you're filming or whatever, forever apart for whatever reason.
Speaker 1: Sometimes just having that distance alone is enough to make
Speaker 1: you feel like, Damn, I can't wait to see my
Speaker 1: person again and be in their space and be that
Speaker 1: affectionate person that I want him to be or he
Speaker 1: needs me to be, versus the monotony of a day
Speaker 1: to day coming home and it just being the same thing.
Speaker 1: I can also be I think there's two things. Number One,
Speaker 1: if they moved together recently, then that means they moved
Speaker 1: in together during the pandemic. That was an anomaly, Like
Speaker 1: you can't you can't say my life moving forward is
Speaker 1: going to be like this based on the way it was. One,
Speaker 1: because nobody was outside, nobody was doing anything. It was
Speaker 1: just it was a very awkward, weird time. So don't
Speaker 1: judge him or judge yourself based on that. Number Two,
Speaker 1: it goes without saying. I mean, I have to say this.
Speaker 1: No one understands what it feels like to be the
Speaker 1: over affectionate person in the relationship until you are the
Speaker 1: over affectionate personal relationship because the other person, since they're
Speaker 1: not affectionate, thinks that everything is fine. But you, if
Speaker 1: you're the affectionate one, is walking around feeling at a
Speaker 1: deficit because you feel like that this person doesn't love
Speaker 1: me as much as I love them because they're not
Speaker 1: acting the way you act, And that's difficult for someone.
Speaker 1: You and I have talked about that all the time.
Speaker 1: For me, it was just like yo, like I got
Speaker 1: this girl that I just I'm madly in love with
Speaker 1: I want to be around to all the time, and
Speaker 1: she just don't feel the same. And then it's just like,
Speaker 1: do you not love me? Is it something about my
Speaker 1: physical appearance? Like it becomes a thing where you start
Speaker 1: to question yourself and you internalize it. And then I
Speaker 1: know with with us when I'm away, the minute I leave,
Speaker 1: Like the minute I leave, she'll send me a text
Speaker 1: I'm missing you already, And I'd be like, bit, I
Speaker 1: was in the house for three weeks, you don't even
Speaker 1: hug me. Now I leave the house and as I
Speaker 1: mess you already space bro. It's just I think people
Speaker 1: like that, like me, like her, really take time, Like
Speaker 1: it takes us time to realize that that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: the person doesn't love us. They just love differently, because
Speaker 1: you only love people the way you know you want
Speaker 1: to be loved, and when you're not getting that, it
Speaker 1: makes you feel a way. So I understand where she's
Speaker 1: coming from. No, for sure, for sure, I have those
Speaker 1: conversations just because it's still early on and you guys
Speaker 1: have been around the family a long time and all that,
Speaker 1: which is great, Um, but I understand that feeling of
Speaker 1: wanting to have that boyfriend girlfriendness back, because don't we
Speaker 1: all wish that we can bottle up that very fresh
Speaker 1: newness that we've experienced in the relationship And don't be
Speaker 1: afraid to push him away by telling him your truth.
Speaker 1: If you're telling him your truth means he wants to
Speaker 1: be with someone else or be pushed away, then that's
Speaker 1: not your person. Like I tell Connin my truth and
Speaker 1: she's often like, oh baby, and then she's just like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel that way, Let's work
Speaker 1: on it. If I to tell condem my truth and
Speaker 1: she'd be like, well, get you doing too much and
Speaker 1: I don't want all of that, then I'm like, all right, well,
Speaker 1: if you don't want that and this is what I required,
Speaker 1: then we don't need to be together. So tell him
Speaker 1: your truth and once he makes his response, then you
Speaker 1: know how to move. All right, We're up to listen
Speaker 1: to letter number two. Hey, Codeine and de Val, please
Speaker 1: keep me anonymous of course. First off, I just want
Speaker 1: to say I love the podcast. You guys really out
Speaker 1: here changing and saving relationships one episode at a time.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Okay, here goes my boyfriend of
Speaker 1: eight years found out a few years ago that his
Speaker 1: daughter is not biologically his. Before this was revealed, he
Speaker 1: was on child support and joint custody was granted, but
Speaker 1: the mother made it very hard and did everything she
Speaker 1: could to make parenting miserable for him, and the irony
Speaker 1: is is not his. Fast forward to the President. We
Speaker 1: have maybe spent a month's total worth of days with
Speaker 1: the daughter since we found out. The mother has taken
Speaker 1: my boyfriend off of child support and she is currently
Speaker 1: living with and in a relationship with the daughter's biological dad. Okay,
Speaker 1: so then there we go. It seems now we only
Speaker 1: get to see the daughter when it's convenient for the mother. Oh,
Speaker 1: they still want to be in a daughter's life. Other
Speaker 1: than that, we don't get to see her here from
Speaker 1: the daughter, and he's blocked most of the time. It's
Speaker 1: clear that the mother no longer wants us to be
Speaker 1: a part of her daughter's life, and my boyfriend can't
Speaker 1: seem to let this go. I understand that if that's
Speaker 1: been your daughter for a long time, there's there's no
Speaker 1: way to just let that go. Kudos to him, because
Speaker 1: a less of a man would have been like, I'm out,
Speaker 1: but that that child doesn't deserve that. He's even talking
Speaker 1: about hiring a lord to enforce his joint custody agreement.
Speaker 1: I'm fearful at this point he is setting himself up
Speaker 1: for Harvard, because I feel that if he takes her,
Speaker 1: the court is going to get ugly. I know he
Speaker 1: loves her as I do, but a part of me
Speaker 1: feels as if we should just fall back. Of course
Speaker 1: you would, being as though her biologed with dad is
Speaker 1: in the picture and wanting to be a dad. I
Speaker 1: don't know how to bring this up to him, as
Speaker 1: this is a touchy subject. I understand that, and he
Speaker 1: gets defensive as I would too, every time I try
Speaker 1: to talk about it. I don't know why he is
Speaker 1: holding on so strong, because if someone's sent it to
Speaker 1: you as their daughter, and your heart takes the men
Speaker 1: as a daughter, you don't just let that go. You
Speaker 1: know what's funny about women? Let me see this man. Also,
Speaker 1: this has kind of had our relationship in a stagnant place,
Speaker 1: as he has stated before that he doesn't want to
Speaker 1: move things forward until he gets things figured out with
Speaker 1: his kids. Frankly, I'm tired of waiting, and I don't
Speaker 1: feel like the option of engagement marriage should be contingent
Speaker 1: on whether he can get the situation to work out.
Speaker 1: Any advice would be helpful. Love you guys in the pod,
Speaker 1: keep it up. Truly frustrated and over it. Here's my
Speaker 1: first thing, Right, I've noticed about women women have a
Speaker 1: strong connection with their own children. Right, But I've also
Speaker 1: noticed that that those same women, and I'm I hate
Speaker 1: to generalize, and you can't say all women, but when
Speaker 1: they find out that their partner has a child, it's
Speaker 1: almost like an instant block that that child is not
Speaker 1: my child, and the connection is just not as strong.
Speaker 1: So it's like I'm ready to cut ties with the
Speaker 1: child or as far as like only the husband, like
Speaker 1: you need to just let that go, or the boyfriend,
Speaker 1: like because it's not their child. So they're like, you know,
Speaker 1: can't you just walk away from it, but not understanding
Speaker 1: that it's there's an emotional attachment you can't just expect.
Speaker 1: Like for example, we know some people who have relationships
Speaker 1: with people's baby mothers, and it'd be you know, you
Speaker 1: hear women sometimes just be like, yo, why don't you
Speaker 1: just just let it go? Let her have it, like
Speaker 1: and it's like you're really asking this man to walk
Speaker 1: out of their own child's life because you feel inconvenience
Speaker 1: that he has a child with another woman, but not
Speaker 1: understanding that if it was on the other end and
Speaker 1: that was your child, you would want that child to
Speaker 1: have a relationship with their father. And I just find
Speaker 1: the duality of like womanhood and motherhood. It's like, when
Speaker 1: it's your child, you're ready to protect them, but when
Speaker 1: it's someone else's child, that the obvious should be to
Speaker 1: understand and protect that child. But sometimes like, well, this
Speaker 1: is my man now, so whatever that child is going
Speaker 1: through doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying. I hear
Speaker 1: what you're saying. What you're saying. I think in this instance,
Speaker 1: she is more frustrated with the fact that a couple
Speaker 1: of things she doesn't want her and she's probably she's
Speaker 1: having to deal with this too, right, So absolutely can't
Speaker 1: expect for this to be a thing where she just
Speaker 1: removes herself from it. It's like that she has to
Speaker 1: and she too says she's had a relationship with this
Speaker 1: child as well. But I think what she's getting at
Speaker 1: is that she doesn't want him to set himself up
Speaker 1: for failure. Now that will the courts even grant him
Speaker 1: any kind of joint custody, seeing as though technically he's
Speaker 1: just not the father at all. And now that the
Speaker 1: biological father is back into her life and she's with
Speaker 1: her biological mom, will will he be fighting a fight
Speaker 1: that is just not understand that ever end up in
Speaker 1: his favor. I understand that, but even that in itself
Speaker 1: is unfair. Right, you say that this is my biological child.
Speaker 1: I do everything that I'm supposed to to take care
Speaker 1: of the child. You know what I'm saying. I'm on
Speaker 1: child support, I'm fighting for visitation, I'm building a relationship
Speaker 1: with the child, but then it turns out it's not mine,
Speaker 1: and you expect me just to cut all that off.
Speaker 1: Like there's no real man that I know that would
Speaker 1: be able to say like washing my hands off of this,
Speaker 1: especially if you've watched that child from birth become a
Speaker 1: little person, knowing that that person is going to be saying, well,
Speaker 1: where's my daddy, and then feeling maybe some sort of
Speaker 1: abandonment and stuff to you from that. Yeah, it's it's
Speaker 1: a very sticky and difficult situation um for a lot
Speaker 1: of the parties involved here. But I can't also understand
Speaker 1: this woman feeling like damn, like until he figures this out,
Speaker 1: then we're stagnant, like their relationship can't move in any
Speaker 1: kind of way because that's where his focus is now.
Speaker 1: She wants him to either relinquish himself of this focus
Speaker 1: or figure out what the happy media. But that's what
Speaker 1: But that's what I'm saying is the duality of motherhood
Speaker 1: is like, when it's my child, you care if she's
Speaker 1: a mother or not. Did she right? But what I'm
Speaker 1: saying is she's talking about trying to move forward for
Speaker 1: the future, and what I'm trying to point out is
Speaker 1: that it's the understanding that that's someone's child. It may
Speaker 1: not be your child. But to say you need to
Speaker 1: wash your hands of this and move on to me,
Speaker 1: it's like that that that's bad karma, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Because that because that child didn't ask for
Speaker 1: this situation, and for because it's inconvenient for you in
Speaker 1: the moment to say wash your hands of that and
Speaker 1: leave it alone, I think that's extremely selfish. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that she doesn't have a right to
Speaker 1: feel a way because she does, like you didn't ask
Speaker 1: for this. The woman lied or the woman didn't know,
Speaker 1: and here you are have been and she said, the
Speaker 1: woman has been a hell to deal with for the
Speaker 1: past couple of years, dealing with this whole child. So
Speaker 1: I understand her animosity towards the woman and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: But where is the empathy for the child and the
Speaker 1: man that you love, knowing that this is someone that
Speaker 1: he calls his daughter. It's impossible for you to tell
Speaker 1: that man, let washing just washing hands and let it
Speaker 1: go like there's no way. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: She's asking for it to be that cut and dry
Speaker 1: because she does say too, she's had a relationship with child,
Speaker 1: because she's been around as well too. I'm curi to
Speaker 1: know she has her own children with or without him,
Speaker 1: because sometimes to not having been a mother or knowing
Speaker 1: what that feels like, Yes, it might be bad, Harmer,
Speaker 1: like you said, but in that moment, she may not
Speaker 1: even be able to relate on that level because unless
Speaker 1: you've been a mother, you don't understand really fully what
Speaker 1: it's like. You can imagine it. But but you said,
Speaker 1: you don't think that she's saying. She literally said, I
Speaker 1: know he loves her as I do, but part of
Speaker 1: me feels he should just fall back, being as though
Speaker 1: her biological like that. That to me is like asking
Speaker 1: someone to fall back from someone who they have taken
Speaker 1: in as their child, even even like I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: lie to you, right, we have a lot of young
Speaker 1: people that we call our children, right. There are some
Speaker 1: in particular who are more like my kids than others.
Speaker 1: If at this point that person's child father came into
Speaker 1: their life and they were like, you need to fall back,
Speaker 1: I would be heartbroken, and y'all would probably see me
Speaker 1: fight somebody as much as I've done to be a
Speaker 1: part of this person and to instill into this person
Speaker 1: what it is to be a man, and now someone
Speaker 1: comes in and it's just like, well, all right, well
Speaker 1: fall back. And the thing is already have my own kids,
Speaker 1: But that's not the point once you create a bond
Speaker 1: with something. And I don't think that that's what I'm
Speaker 1: saying about the duality of motherhood, because I don't think
Speaker 1: women understand when you have a good man and he
Speaker 1: chooses to be a father to someone, the title doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: and saying to fall back, especially because we we've had
Speaker 1: this in other listener letters where his baby mother is crazy.
Speaker 1: I wish you would just leave that situation alone. It
Speaker 1: is hard for a good man to just leave a
Speaker 1: situation alone when their child is involved. I agree with you.
Speaker 1: I'm just playing devil's advocate and trying to get maybe
Speaker 1: her perspective on things, her wanting to protect her husband
Speaker 1: from her man now from like you, potential heartbreak anybody
Speaker 1: who's against me that I'm a pitable for you a
Speaker 1: hundred times over. And I don't even think twice about it.
Speaker 1: If that person don't like you, don't walk with you,
Speaker 1: I don't work with them. Like that's just what it is.
Speaker 1: And I can see how maybe she feels like you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, It's like, Okay, we love this
Speaker 1: daughter and everything her mother been given us hell from
Speaker 1: day one. However, I just don't want you to be
Speaker 1: even more heartbroken than you are now putting into the
Speaker 1: hope that maybe I can get some joint custody. Maybe
Speaker 1: I can, you know, be in this until maybe this
Speaker 1: girl is of age. Hopefully he can have some sort
Speaker 1: of presence where the daughter still knows he's there, can
Speaker 1: imagine enough to decide to want to come see him
Speaker 1: a little bit more. But can you imagine, right, if
Speaker 1: you wait years and after years, you're going to meet
Speaker 1: with this young lady and she tells you, my mom
Speaker 1: told me you don't want me no more she got
Speaker 1: because that happens a lot, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: with what narrative she's creating over there, and not only
Speaker 1: just for the young lady. But I don't think women
Speaker 1: realize when you have a man, a good husband, or
Speaker 1: a good father or a good man, it's not easy
Speaker 1: to break that that tie, with that tie with someone
Speaker 1: that you consider to be your child. Like it's not
Speaker 1: a thing where you can just let it go. And
Speaker 1: the reason why I'm talking about the duality is because
Speaker 1: moms know how hard it is. You would never break
Speaker 1: a mom's tied with their child. But to hear you know,
Speaker 1: women often sending listen to letters saying like I wish
Speaker 1: he would just let it go because it's inconvenient for them.
Speaker 1: To me, it's just selfish because if when it's your child,
Speaker 1: no one tells a mom or something like that. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, That's what I was saying, the duality,
Speaker 1: it's just like crazy perspective. Um. But of course when
Speaker 1: we get these listen letters, we try to weigh in
Speaker 1: different options. And I understand what you're coming from as
Speaker 1: far as if she's a pit both for him. It's like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to see him hurt. I just wish
Speaker 1: he would let it go. And I guess that's why
Speaker 1: she's asking for help, because she doesn't know how to exist. Well,
Speaker 1: let's just give us some advice. I would say, just
Speaker 1: be careful of trying to tell him to wipe his hands,
Speaker 1: because that's gonna make him defensive, and that's gonna make
Speaker 1: him be like, you don't have what's in the best
Speaker 1: interests of me or this child, So that would make
Speaker 1: him that could potentially turn him off, turn him off right,
Speaker 1: So I would I would refrain from but I would
Speaker 1: try to find a way to be of assistance in
Speaker 1: helping it go smootherer. And I'm not saying you have
Speaker 1: to be a chance or can do it to the
Speaker 1: other baby mother, don't. But you know, help them figure
Speaker 1: out some you know, read through this stuff to figure
Speaker 1: out how you can get custody. You know, be be
Speaker 1: a part or asset to the cause as opposed to
Speaker 1: being against it, and significant just be the advocate because
Speaker 1: he needs that and he's not gonna let it go
Speaker 1: right as he shouldn't because he has a relationship in
Speaker 1: bond with this this young lady. Um. So yeah, good
Speaker 1: luck to you guys. Um, we're too in. I think
Speaker 1: we have a couple more and that might be a
Speaker 1: good good time to take a little break. Um, gather
Speaker 1: up some more listeners that come back. All right, so
Speaker 1: stick around all right, now we're back and onto the
Speaker 1: third listener letter of the episode. Hi Kane Devout. First
Speaker 1: things first, I love you guys and admire you so much.
Speaker 1: I pray that God's hand is on you and continue
Speaker 1: to bless your family. Thank you receive that. So I
Speaker 1: just turned twenty eight and I am healing from my
Speaker 1: father's wounds. I am the product of an affair. My
Speaker 1: father cheated on his wife. I was angry, resentful for
Speaker 1: a long time because I felt like a secret and
Speaker 1: family members gave me a hard time as a child.
Speaker 1: In two thousand five, my mother got married and I
Speaker 1: was excited to have a dad finally. Well, I feel
Speaker 1: like he wasn't exactly excited about having a daughter. My
Speaker 1: mom and stepdad have been married for seventeen years and
Speaker 1: he has never tried to cultivate a relationship with me.
Speaker 1: He never talks to me, and we live in the
Speaker 1: same home, like we do not speak at all, and
Speaker 1: that's it. Caps The most he says to me is
Speaker 1: good morning. We have had several family meetings, respectfully expressing
Speaker 1: my hurt, and he chose not to make a change
Speaker 1: after I expressed how I felt multiple times. I feel
Speaker 1: like at this point he's choosing not to have a
Speaker 1: relationship with me as a child. My mother used to
Speaker 1: try to make me pursue my stepfather, like telling me
Speaker 1: to ask him to do an activity with me. I
Speaker 1: feel like I should never have to do that. He
Speaker 1: married my mother and he chose to be a parent
Speaker 1: to me. I believe it's the parents responsibility to foster
Speaker 1: a relationship with their child. My mother thinks I should
Speaker 1: pursue him because he has provided for us for me
Speaker 1: a house, cars, and food, which is supposed to be
Speaker 1: doing as a provider material. Thinks me nothing if you
Speaker 1: haven't taught me anything or tried to have a relationship
Speaker 1: with me. I love my mother so much that she
Speaker 1: knows that she knows how I feel. It's very hurtful
Speaker 1: that she wants to have these fake moments of happiness
Speaker 1: knowing her husband doesn't speak to me. I cannot be fake,
Speaker 1: but I want to be respectful because I love my mom.
Speaker 1: I'm so hurt that I haven't chosen, that I've chosen
Speaker 1: not to let him walk me down the aisle when
Speaker 1: I get married. It's fake because he and I have
Speaker 1: no relationship at all, exactly as my bio dad and
Speaker 1: I are getting better and closer over the years. My
Speaker 1: dad has tried to have a relationship with me despite
Speaker 1: my resentment. For that, I give him his flowers. So
Speaker 1: what are we talking about here? What are we talking
Speaker 1: about him? How do I set boundaries with my mother
Speaker 1: to let her know to stop trying to force me
Speaker 1: to pursue my stepfather after I've told him and my
Speaker 1: mother how he's hurt me. Signed a fatherless daughter. Oh,
Speaker 1: siss sis says, you're not fatherless, But this is this
Speaker 1: is part of the issue, right, Your dad made poor
Speaker 1: choices when cheating on his wife, and you're the product
Speaker 1: of interfere But if your dad always trying to have
Speaker 1: a relationship with you, you chose to try to have
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone else because you had resentment towards
Speaker 1: your dad. You had a father the whole time, but
Speaker 1: he didn't look the way you wanted him to look,
Speaker 1: or he wasn't presented the way you wanted to be presented,
Speaker 1: so you pushed it off and tried to have a
Speaker 1: relationship with this man who clearly wasn't interested. Well, rightfully
Speaker 1: so in a sense, because she probably felt like, Okay,
Speaker 1: if I'm being treated this way by other family members
Speaker 1: as this, I'm sort of plague or I'm the outcast,
Speaker 1: then it can intern. But what they got to do
Speaker 1: with her relationship with her father, No, I'm just saying
Speaker 1: that might be the reason why she feels a bit
Speaker 1: of the resentment that she feels towards her father, because
Speaker 1: she was in turn treated this way unfairly by adults,
Speaker 1: which we always know that's usually the case. The adults
Speaker 1: are the ones who have no sense of But she
Speaker 1: did say that it was other people. She didn't say
Speaker 1: my father treated me differently. She should have still fostered
Speaker 1: the relationship with her biological dad and told those other
Speaker 1: adults to kick rocks, because that's what they really need
Speaker 1: to do, is just kick rocks. But I understand it.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. If if not even as
Speaker 1: a child. The other adults say that, Say that's my sister,
Speaker 1: Say that's you know, somebody that I know. And and
Speaker 1: this guy cheated on my sister and had a whole baby.
Speaker 1: I'm going to have some resentment towards him. I would
Speaker 1: never mistreat his child, though, because the daughter had nothing
Speaker 1: to do with it. But everyone's not that mature and
Speaker 1: stand what I'm saying. But this, but this is just
Speaker 1: an opportunity for us to learn this. People, when someone
Speaker 1: is looking to have a relationship with you and you
Speaker 1: discard it because it doesn't come in the package you want,
Speaker 1: and you try to have a relationship with someone else
Speaker 1: because the package looks better, you get what you ask for.
Speaker 1: That I can see that understore for sure, because the package,
Speaker 1: as you're saying, just to kind of further explain, So
Speaker 1: you're saying that her stepfather looked like the perfect package
Speaker 1: because he provided, because he married her mom, because he
Speaker 1: was doing all of the things and checking the boxes
Speaker 1: that needed for a child in the house. This is
Speaker 1: the package I was expecting from my family. So that
Speaker 1: guy who was here is the guy that I'm going
Speaker 1: to try to force a relationship. You know what, I
Speaker 1: also wonder when she's had the conversations with her mom
Speaker 1: and stepdad, because she says she's tried to have these
Speaker 1: sit down conversations, what does he say, Like, what is
Speaker 1: his reply? Was his response knowing that it hurts you
Speaker 1: that you don't have a relationship with him and you
Speaker 1: express it, does he just completely ignore it? And it's
Speaker 1: for what reason? Well, she doesn't say you have any siblings,
Speaker 1: so I wonder if he never wanted children to begin with.
Speaker 1: So it was just kind of like, well, here's a
Speaker 1: woman that I've fallen in love. If she already has
Speaker 1: a child, so she's not gonna want kids. I don't
Speaker 1: want kids. And sometimes people just don't have that relationship
Speaker 1: with kids where they just don't want to have children,
Speaker 1: and maybe that capacity to even want to write, or
Speaker 1: maybe he came from a broken home and maybe the
Speaker 1: adults in his life were terrible, so he's just like
Speaker 1: I don't mom, I'm not trying to get involved with it.
Speaker 1: Like there's so many different layers to try to unpack.
Speaker 1: I just want her to realize that you have someone
Speaker 1: who is your actual biological father who wants to force
Speaker 1: a relationship, and that should be your and I don't
Speaker 1: you're focused. I don't disagree with you not wanting your
Speaker 1: stepfather to walk you down there. I agree with a
Speaker 1: bunch of just he could stay stuff. Yeah, he could
Speaker 1: sit quietly next to your mom as he's been for
Speaker 1: the past however many years. And this is how you
Speaker 1: set boundaries with your mom. Mom, I'm not interested in
Speaker 1: having a relationship with that man. Leave it alone. I've
Speaker 1: had to do that with my mom. Yes, I've had
Speaker 1: to do that with my mom. Yes, my my biological
Speaker 1: grandfather on my mother's side does not have a relationship
Speaker 1: with us. He made choice in his life that he
Speaker 1: didn't want to be around uh me and my brother
Speaker 1: and my sister because he had issues with the family.
Speaker 1: Now I have grandkids, Now I have kids of his grandkids.
Speaker 1: And for a long time, my mom used to be like, yo,
Speaker 1: why don't you call you your grandfather? Why don't you
Speaker 1: go because he doesn't try, he doesn't try, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna try. Do I have any animosity towards him, No,
Speaker 1: I just don't have a relationship. But I'm not going
Speaker 1: to continue to playcate his behavior by trying to reach out.
Speaker 1: Because my mom is saying to reach out and then
Speaker 1: getting burnt in return. I reach out and I don't
Speaker 1: hear nothing back, or I reach out and then he
Speaker 1: drops the ball, so I end up being disappointed. He's
Speaker 1: already disappointed you. I'm not gonna let him disappoint me,
Speaker 1: and I am sure you're gonna let him disappoint my kids.
Speaker 1: So I just the boundaries. I'm not doing it. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna don't know. You can't force me. Well said, take
Speaker 1: that sense exactly what he's said. That's just what it is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Because like you said, you love your mom. Your mom
Speaker 1: has been there for you, and that has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with the relationship you and your mom have. So
Speaker 1: good luck to you, sis, facts and nothing. Nothing. Your
Speaker 1: mom is fouled too. It's just my personal opinion. You
Speaker 1: marry someone and you know that that person is also
Speaker 1: has to be a part of your child life. Your
Speaker 1: child chose, not your child didn't choose to be here.
Speaker 1: I think it's always I think it's always important to
Speaker 1: choose someone that can embrace you fully, and being a
Speaker 1: parent is fully embracing you. And if that person just
Speaker 1: continues to know that aspects of your life, I personally
Speaker 1: wouldn't choose that person to be in my life, because
Speaker 1: I've seen the effects of how that can affect the child.
Speaker 1: One of our close friends her her step mom never
Speaker 1: really respected her. Her step mom's family never really showed
Speaker 1: her any of true love, and I see how it
Speaker 1: affects her. She doesn't have a relationship that she wants
Speaker 1: to have with that woman, and she's fine with that.
Speaker 1: And she you know, you uhould ask her dad like
Speaker 1: how come you didn't step in at times when things
Speaker 1: were happening, And her dad was just like I thought
Speaker 1: you would figure it out. It's not for a child
Speaker 1: to figure that out. That's also the next Dear Cadene
Speaker 1: and Devout. First off, love you guys to pieces and
Speaker 1: have been following since Instagram videos to start the start
Speaker 1: off your YouTube page. I am a twenty six year
Speaker 1: old Jamaican American tourists from New York City and my
Speaker 1: man is a twenty seven year old Puerto Rican Jamaican
Speaker 1: American sagittarius. I clearly like playing with fire. I'm writing
Speaker 1: this letter because my friends don't like my man. We've
Speaker 1: been dating for almost two years and the first year
Speaker 1: was great, but in November he dropped the bomb. He
Speaker 1: told me the day before his birthday shower the day before.
Speaker 1: He told me the day before his baby shower that
Speaker 1: he was having a baby with his EGX. I confided
Speaker 1: in my friends because I don't know why you would
Speaker 1: ever do that, because it was devastating, and they have
Speaker 1: become my biggest support system. After a month apart, I
Speaker 1: chose to continue the relationship, and that's always happened. You
Speaker 1: choose to continue, but your friends don't want to. I
Speaker 1: have worked through the feelings of betrayal and deceit, but
Speaker 1: my friends cannot get over it. They hold it against him,
Speaker 1: to the point where one of my friends was told
Speaker 1: has told me not to bring him around. Even my
Speaker 1: friends that haven't met him don't want me to be
Speaker 1: with him. He has been doing the work to be
Speaker 1: more open on us, and he has reassured me of
Speaker 1: the co parenting relationship he has with his ex, so
Speaker 1: I don't have any issues with that anymore. Although I
Speaker 1: have moved on, my friends cannot. He is aware of
Speaker 1: one of my friends not being his biggest fan, but
Speaker 1: I haven't told him how the rest of my friends
Speaker 1: feel about him. Most of my friends are in relationships.
Speaker 1: We go out together frequently and now that I'm with him,
Speaker 1: I would like to invite him out with us or
Speaker 1: on our trips. I don't know what to do to
Speaker 1: change my friends perception of him. Please help signed stuck
Speaker 1: between a rock and a hard place. Ah, that's a
Speaker 1: sure fire way to man that all your friends talking
Speaker 1: about something, don't bring him around because it isn't that.
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you. They have been through some ship
Speaker 1: that y'all don't know about that they won't ever tell
Speaker 1: y'all because y'all be the same way them holding that
Speaker 1: against that man for that long and and being the
Speaker 1: be all and end though he can't be around his
Speaker 1: wild corny son, Wild Corny, do y'all remember diary people graceists,
Speaker 1: no no, no number. Why did I get married? When
Speaker 1: they all sat at the table and people started airing
Speaker 1: dirty laundry? It's always the people who got the most
Speaker 1: to say, who judge other people's relationship the most, who
Speaker 1: got the most dirty laundry? Who are you to judge
Speaker 1: somebody else's relationship? To see that exactly? That's wild corny.
Speaker 1: Your friends are gonna have to get over that ship.
Speaker 1: It's like for real. But this is also too, Why
Speaker 1: you just do not divorce that information. You know how
Speaker 1: many times Devon and I have been, like I said, married, divorced, remarried,
Speaker 1: divorced within the same relationship, and nobody else wouldn't tell nobody,
Speaker 1: not one person for that reason. There was no reason
Speaker 1: for them to know. And people love to pass judge
Speaker 1: and project their issues onto other people when they know
Speaker 1: that they're going through the same things within the devastation,
Speaker 1: within the Oh my god, I can't believe this is
Speaker 1: happening moment that you had with the finding out the baby,
Speaker 1: because that's a big doozy. That is a pretty big doozy.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna even take take away from the fact
Speaker 1: that that was pretty catastrophic. It at the same time,
Speaker 1: you and him had to work that out. Facts like
Speaker 1: y'all had to work that out. Nobody, nobody has the
Speaker 1: right to say unless now, if you if your boyfriend
Speaker 1: did something disrespectful to your friends and they don't want
Speaker 1: to be around him, I get that. I get that.
Speaker 1: But if y'all are working on your own relationship and
Speaker 1: y'all say y'all cool, they have no right to tell
Speaker 1: you he can't come around like that's the that's the
Speaker 1: wildest should I ever heard in my life, Like then,
Speaker 1: people don't have the right to do that to other people.
Speaker 1: And even if they're not telling him that he can't
Speaker 1: come around, I can just envision it being a thing
Speaker 1: where he does come around and everyone's making it uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: everyone's making it awkward, everyone's whispering to the side that
Speaker 1: in itself too is enough for him to feel like, yo,
Speaker 1: I don't have to be around this, neither or want
Speaker 1: to be around it. Who would want to be around that?
Speaker 1: And we've seen, we've seen what happens when people do that,
Speaker 1: When people point the finger at other people with their
Speaker 1: relationship being right, don't bring them and then years go
Speaker 1: by and what happens? Their relationship fail? And SA, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, weren't you the same person telling me that
Speaker 1: I shouldn't accept this? What are you the same person
Speaker 1: telling me I should watch out for this? What happened? Man?
Speaker 1: I see all that to say this. Number one, like
Speaker 1: my wife said, when you're going through stuff with your
Speaker 1: significant other, do not be so fast to spread that
Speaker 1: information to your friends and family because it's not so
Speaker 1: easy for them to forget. That's number one. Number two,
Speaker 1: if you happen to be the friends and the family.
Speaker 1: Your job is to be an advocate for your friend
Speaker 1: or family members happiness, not be the judge on their lifestyle.
Speaker 1: You you, no one has a right to sit up
Speaker 1: on a pulpit and say you shouldn't be living like that.
Speaker 1: That's why Cadine and I literally say we don't really
Speaker 1: like saying that we give relationship or advice or we
Speaker 1: we consider ourselves relationship goals because there's no one relationship
Speaker 1: that fits everybody. You have to look and find what
Speaker 1: works for you. And if you're able to give grace
Speaker 1: and forgive and move on and build a happy life,
Speaker 1: who is someone else to tell you that they don't
Speaker 1: They don't respect with your buildings, So don't bring that
Speaker 1: person around. That's why Corny Wi Corny. However, on the
Speaker 1: reverse side of things to nobody wants to see their
Speaker 1: friend be a doormat. Nobody wants to see their friend
Speaker 1: be taking advantage of Nobody wants to see somebody who
Speaker 1: they love and genuinely care about in a place of hurt.
Speaker 1: So I understand the shock that your friends might have
Speaker 1: had in that moment and all that. However, at some point,
Speaker 1: let's give a little grace, realize that this is the situation.
Speaker 1: You decided to stick around friends, she decided to stick around.
Speaker 1: What can you be other than a listening here, a
Speaker 1: shoulder to cry on all that good stuff. Because let's
Speaker 1: try to make question what do they think is going
Speaker 1: to happen about don't bring him around? So now either
Speaker 1: two things are gonna happen. Either she's gonna bring him
Speaker 1: around you're gonna have attitude, or she's gonna stop coming
Speaker 1: around and spend time with him. So you're willing to
Speaker 1: not be friends with someone because of what they choose
Speaker 1: to do in their own relationship. That's crazy. It's crazy.
Speaker 1: On that note, I think you need another break, y'all,
Speaker 1: because you're about to about to take me out. I
Speaker 1: wish somebody would tell me not to come around because
Speaker 1: if Codein is around, all right, y'all, ain't gonna see
Speaker 1: me there. Yeah, that's what happens next, then the divide
Speaker 1: really happens. We'll be right back, y'all. Let's take a
Speaker 1: break because let me come back. I gotta gather myself
Speaker 1: after that. M hm, alright, we're back. I think we
Speaker 1: got about two more in the tank for y'all, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we got time for two more for sure, Hey, Code
Speaker 1: and Devo. My fiance and I are both in the
Speaker 1: Navy and we have a five year old son together.
Speaker 1: We've been together for eight years and during this time
Speaker 1: I've been deployed three times and he's currently on his
Speaker 1: second deployment. For the first three years of our son's life,
Speaker 1: we were stationed about four hours apart, so the work
Speaker 1: of parenting was on me. Our son is autistic and
Speaker 1: raising him has been a challenge, to say the least.
Speaker 1: Like I mentioned earlier, my fiance is deployed and I'm
Speaker 1: currently resenting him because I hate the role of being
Speaker 1: a single parent of a special needs child. I'm depressed
Speaker 1: and suicidal. Wow, While he gets the freedom of not
Speaker 1: having to deal with these struggles when I When I deployed,
Speaker 1: our son was not at school, so he went to
Speaker 1: live with my sister, So my fiance has never had
Speaker 1: to experience the single parents struggles. Am I wrong for
Speaker 1: wishing that he knew what? He knew what this feels like.
Speaker 1: He knows how challenging our son is, and I know
Speaker 1: he's not gone by choice, but the resentment is still here,
Speaker 1: and I feel like shit about it. I haven't. I
Speaker 1: have not expressed my feelings because I understand how stressful
Speaker 1: deployments are and I don't want him to feel bad
Speaker 1: about this because he's an amazing dad. Our wedding is
Speaker 1: next May back in my home island Antiga. Oh. I
Speaker 1: can't wait to get to Antiga. And I don't want
Speaker 1: to go into marriage with these feelings. Am I wrong
Speaker 1: for feeling like this? Please help sis. Yes, people are
Speaker 1: not in their children's life for shitty ass reasons, like
Speaker 1: they just don't want to be like they just want
Speaker 1: to be a dead beat, because they just don't want
Speaker 1: to have the responsibility. He's deployed, she said, he has
Speaker 1: the freedom to be deployed. Like can you hear that?
Speaker 1: Like that's girl, girl, girl, girl, he has the freedom
Speaker 1: to be deployed. That's crazy. I can understand if you
Speaker 1: weren't in the military and you were married to someone
Speaker 1: in the military and you felt like, okay, man, this
Speaker 1: is like what it is, but you both understand what
Speaker 1: it's like to be deployed. So when the tables turn
Speaker 1: and you are deployed and he is home, you're resentful
Speaker 1: at the fact that he's gotten help because he was
Speaker 1: with your sister. Is there a way for you to
Speaker 1: find help maybe to help alleviate some of that, But
Speaker 1: you can't be mad at him and blame him. It
Speaker 1: sounds like it sounds like she has resentment. Because it's
Speaker 1: gonna sound crazy. Her son is autistic. He's a lot
Speaker 1: to deal with and she has to deal with it,
Speaker 1: and she's rejecting her anger on her husband who's not
Speaker 1: there deployed. She's upset because her son is autistic and
Speaker 1: she has to deal with that. So who can she
Speaker 1: be upset at? Close to it? That's what it sounds
Speaker 1: like to me. Now I'm not a therapist, but it
Speaker 1: sounds like there's some issues there that need to be
Speaker 1: dealt with internally. But growing resentment towards your spouse while
Speaker 1: he's fighting for you guys and and his country is heartbreaking.
Speaker 1: By like she says she's depressing, I mean, maybe her
Speaker 1: depression comes from something else. I think she needs to
Speaker 1: go get therapy to find out where her depression comes from.
Speaker 1: When you try to figure out on your own why
Speaker 1: you depressed, you start to look at things in your
Speaker 1: life and then you try to say, well, that's that tip,
Speaker 1: it's my son and it's my husband that this is
Speaker 1: where I'm depressed. Where it could be an imbalance somewhere,
Speaker 1: you know, or it could be something that deep rooted
Speaker 1: happened in to you early on that you can't understand.
Speaker 1: And I have nothing but most respect for those who
Speaker 1: serve our country, So first and foremost is thank you
Speaker 1: for that, um. But I also wouldn't know the detriment
Speaker 1: of what you guys endure and how that affects you.
Speaker 1: And there may be something else underlying, like you said,
Speaker 1: and it's now manifesting itself in the form of being
Speaker 1: frustrated with your son, UM, and being frustrated with your husband.
Speaker 1: So I think it's a little unfair for you to
Speaker 1: say that, you know, he's You're out here living this
Speaker 1: single parent life while he's just deployed. UM. I don't
Speaker 1: think that's that's easy, that's that's unfair, and that's fair.
Speaker 1: But the resentment does need to be dealt with, because,
Speaker 1: like you said, if you're going to be entering into
Speaker 1: a marriage, you definitely don't want to enter into it
Speaker 1: with these feelings either, you know, And like I said,
Speaker 1: people are not in their children's life for far far
Speaker 1: shittier excuses. You know, so um then actually fighting for
Speaker 1: his country Like that's yeah, that's crazy. And you know,
Speaker 1: it sounds to me like her depression is coming from
Speaker 1: something else. She needs to figure out what it is.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure if she sat down and thought about it,
Speaker 1: she wouldn't be upset at her son and her husband.
Speaker 1: There's something else there that we don't know, you know,
Speaker 1: like this is not enough context for us to understand,
Speaker 1: but there is something deeper than that. She really needs
Speaker 1: to deal with because I can't even imagine a soldier
Speaker 1: saying that someone else had the freedom to deploy. She
Speaker 1: knows what it's like to be deploying away from your family,
Speaker 1: so she knows that that that's not freedom. So there
Speaker 1: must be something going on there and she's trying to
Speaker 1: express how to deal with it. Yeah, I mean, she
Speaker 1: needs to talk to someone. And as mom's, as dads,
Speaker 1: as parents, we have our moments of frustration, trust me,
Speaker 1: Like when the vos not here and he's on set
Speaker 1: filming and I'm here with the four boys. I do
Speaker 1: have my moments when I'm like, bro, you're on break
Speaker 1: right now because you're you're filming. You know, you're away
Speaker 1: living your dream and doing your job that you wanted
Speaker 1: to do and this is the career you chose while
Speaker 1: I'm at home with the kids trying to juggle but
Speaker 1: at the same time too to understand you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I mean, I don't know. It's just a
Speaker 1: thing where it's always like a thing where whose life
Speaker 1: sucks more in the moment. But that mom thing though,
Speaker 1: because dad's don't say stuff like my wife gets she
Speaker 1: has the freedom to go to work and I'm here,
Speaker 1: like why. I think it depends on the person, because
Speaker 1: it could be the same. The same can be said
Speaker 1: for a dad who's at home just overwhelmed with watching
Speaker 1: their kids and then the wife is on a business
Speaker 1: trip or something. I don't think we talked about even
Speaker 1: Michelle Obama when she said, you know, being the wife
Speaker 1: of the president, you know, you feel like you have
Speaker 1: you feel like you're a single mom, and it's like, well,
Speaker 1: he's out here running the entire country and you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and you're you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: It's like, wow, even in him sitting at the highest
Speaker 1: seat in the land, he gets a not knock from
Speaker 1: his wife for not being a present father. You know,
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and that's not what she was saying.
Speaker 1: But it's almost like, how, how is that like your
Speaker 1: thought process? Because I don't wander. That's never my thought
Speaker 1: process when when you're away, I'm never thinking Okay, then
Speaker 1: gets a chance to go, We're on to events and
Speaker 1: hold stuff while I'm here with the boys, because it
Speaker 1: does flip. I don't understand how that becomes your thought
Speaker 1: process when I'm away, But that's never my thought process.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I'm just talking about when
Speaker 1: things get stressful. Trust me, I'm not speaking from a
Speaker 1: place of damn. I hate when Devot is filming because
Speaker 1: I'm trying to explain what I said too. But at
Speaker 1: the same time too, it's like when you're in a
Speaker 1: moment of maybe frustration, or there's a bunch of things
Speaker 1: happening at one time in whatever environment you're in. So
Speaker 1: I could be at work and there's a bunch of
Speaker 1: things that are demanding and deadlines and everything, and by
Speaker 1: myself dealing with it, it's easy to just deflect or
Speaker 1: take it out on the person who is near to
Speaker 1: you or the person who's closest to you, and that's
Speaker 1: your spouse, so regardless of what it is, whether it's
Speaker 1: with the kids or whether it's work, I think that
Speaker 1: sometimes when the pressure is mounting and it's about to
Speaker 1: bubble over and you kind of feel like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: the walls are closing in around me, you just naturally
Speaker 1: feel like the person a k a. Your spouse who's
Speaker 1: in another environment. It's just chilling. Right. So what I'm
Speaker 1: saying is I understand all that. What I'm saying is
Speaker 1: is that where do you think that comes from? Because
Speaker 1: even you know, people make jokes about if you want
Speaker 1: to see your wife get upset, just go take a nap,
Speaker 1: and it's like your wife can't see you enjoying yourself.
Speaker 1: Because if your wife sees you enjoying yourself, she just
Speaker 1: instantly gets mad. Where do you think that that comes from?
Speaker 1: I don't know. You gotta speak to the people about that,
Speaker 1: because I actually enjoy you getting sleep. I enjoy getting
Speaker 1: you you're getting rist So I'm not sure where that
Speaker 1: comes from. Maybe I can You've never heard that. You've
Speaker 1: never heard that before. I've never heard the whole a
Speaker 1: wife and the nap thing. No, I've never heard that before.
Speaker 1: That's not cat. I've never heard that state before. She's captain.
Speaker 1: Right now, she's you've never You've never heard, I've never heard.
Speaker 1: You never heard the saying of that a woman will
Speaker 1: never be happy if they see you having a good time.
Speaker 1: You've never heard that. We watched Kevin Hart do the
Speaker 1: whole thing about how when he goes away with his
Speaker 1: guys and his wife calls, he gotta ask that because
Speaker 1: he can't see she can't see. But you don't recall that. No,
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm being completely honest. I don't recall that.
Speaker 1: But let's go to the next. Let's go to the next.
Speaker 1: Listening to all ryall, I guess I'm captain. I'll go
Speaker 1: to the next. We'll go to the next time. We'll
Speaker 1: leave that alone. Cap um. Hey, guys, you your most
Speaker 1: recent episodes about dad's parenting make me think about the
Speaker 1: trust issues I have with my mother in law and
Speaker 1: sisters in law. Quick background, my husband and I are
Speaker 1: an interracial couple. I'm white and he's black. He grew
Speaker 1: up completely different. I was sheltered and he was able
Speaker 1: to do pretty much anything he wanted. We have three
Speaker 1: beautiful girls, and he actually parents more like I do.
Speaker 1: Where he we shelter our kids. His family is a
Speaker 1: little more rough around the edges. They talk to their
Speaker 1: kids crazy, allow their kids to listen to explicit music,
Speaker 1: watch all kinds of music videos, have the nine and
Speaker 1: ten year olds take the tilers down the street to
Speaker 1: the gas stations, smoke around them, et cetera. We have
Speaker 1: never allowed them to watch our kids because we don't
Speaker 1: trust them. Never actually told them that, but we distance ourselves.
Speaker 1: We even moved forty minutes away so that we were
Speaker 1: just too far from them to drive to the house. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: y'all not playing. My husband has tried to ask them
Speaker 1: to filter these things around our kids, but they brush
Speaker 1: them off and do what they want. Anyways, We see
Speaker 1: them on holidays and birthdays for a few hours each time,
Speaker 1: which is good enough for us. We are doing Are
Speaker 1: we doing harm to our kids by not allowing them
Speaker 1: to be around this family? Are we sheltering them too much?
Speaker 1: Or are we within reason? I guess they keep their
Speaker 1: kids alive, but I'm so worried about our kids. It's
Speaker 1: being exposed to too much, she said. I guess they
Speaker 1: keep their kids alive. Child the shade, but I get it.
Speaker 1: Hey as a parent, nothing that anybody tells you is
Speaker 1: too much or too little for what you want for
Speaker 1: your children. Because what nobody could do is come in
Speaker 1: here and tell me what to do with my children
Speaker 1: and how to raise them or what they can and
Speaker 1: cannot be exposed to. Period. The question is that your
Speaker 1: husband have an issue with it, is what I'm wondering,
Speaker 1: and he doesn't, okay, So I say that to say,
Speaker 1: let them do what they think is great for their children.
Speaker 1: Y'all move accordingly and do what's great for yours. If
Speaker 1: you feel like holidays are the times and birthdays and
Speaker 1: events are the only time that you want to interact
Speaker 1: with them, maybe until your children are a little bit
Speaker 1: older and they're more exposed to certain things. You've gotta
Speaker 1: enough to deal with with kids in school, for example,
Speaker 1: Like I'm worried about what my kids are going to
Speaker 1: be exposed to being around twenty something other kids on
Speaker 1: a day to day basis. There's but so much sheltering
Speaker 1: that you can do. Considering the world that we live
Speaker 1: in now. As a parent, you are well within your
Speaker 1: right to decide what you want your kids to be
Speaker 1: exposed to and what timeline you choose to raise exposure
Speaker 1: or not. Absolutely, I agree with my wife. No one
Speaker 1: can tell you how to raise your kids, but there
Speaker 1: are consequences for sheltering your children too much. For example,
Speaker 1: as well, Codeine was a R A R D a D.
Speaker 1: And she used to say all the time, it's always
Speaker 1: the sheltered kids that get to college, and those are
Speaker 1: the kids I end up in the hospital with because
Speaker 1: of alcohol poisoning because they didn't know how to act,
Speaker 1: and the minute they got some freedom they went ham
Speaker 1: And you've got three girls sisters, then be the ones.
Speaker 1: And I'm just gonna be honest, it's it is the
Speaker 1: sheltered kids that I've noticed through ten years of mentorship
Speaker 1: who struggle when it's time to make adjustments later on
Speaker 1: in life. So typically the fork in the road is
Speaker 1: middle school. And I've noticed from just dealing with well,
Speaker 1: I've done with boys and girls, because we've had the
Speaker 1: track the prototype track team, which was all girls. But
Speaker 1: I've noticed that once they hit middle school and they
Speaker 1: start to get influences from outside people, the sheltered people
Speaker 1: find a way to hide what they truly want to
Speaker 1: do from their parents, and the parents often feel like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: my son or my daughter is not exposed to that
Speaker 1: so I don't have to worry about those conversations, and
Speaker 1: before you know what, those children are participating in things
Speaker 1: that you would never believe. The parents have no idea
Speaker 1: that they're doing. And then by the time you get
Speaker 1: to high school, it's a rap. No seriously, that's no cap,
Speaker 1: not no cap at all, not like the cap he
Speaker 1: was doing on the last question. But I really believe
Speaker 1: in it's not just a young girl thing. It's the
Speaker 1: same thing for guys. You know how many parents because
Speaker 1: I have to do I used to do report card checks,
Speaker 1: Facebook checks, Instagram checks. I used to go up to schools,
Speaker 1: so the snapchat checks wild and going up to school
Speaker 1: and meeting parents, meeting students and I mean meeting teachers
Speaker 1: and teachers saying, oh, so you're so and So's mentor,
Speaker 1: and I'm just like yeah, and they're like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: let me tell you what's going on with so and so,
Speaker 1: And then I find out and then when you hear
Speaker 1: the parents and my son would never and then I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: according to his snapchat that you don't check, this is
Speaker 1: him literally doing all the things that you said he
Speaker 1: doesn't do. And you're like, I didn't even know you
Speaker 1: had a snapchat. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What's an Also a
Speaker 1: detriment I noticed with children who are sheltered too much
Speaker 1: is that they have hard times making decisions. They have
Speaker 1: a hard time making for themselves, and they're expecting mom
Speaker 1: and dad to always be one to be there to
Speaker 1: tell them what to do in all circumstances, or mom
Speaker 1: and dad are going to have to come and talk
Speaker 1: to this professor because I don't know what to say
Speaker 1: in this moment, and then they leave their children unable
Speaker 1: to freethink, to problem solve, to decipher, you know, what
Speaker 1: they should do in a particular scenario. That is a
Speaker 1: detriment in being too sheltered as well. I'm gonna leave
Speaker 1: that at that, because I feel like we can do
Speaker 1: a whole podcast and we should on when too much exposure,
Speaker 1: When exposure is too much exposure, because there's also the
Speaker 1: converse that if you do expose kids too much and
Speaker 1: they become too mature, they tried things too early. The
Speaker 1: truth of the matter is you have to have a
Speaker 1: maturity and how you expose things to your children, and
Speaker 1: we should talk about that more in depth, But for
Speaker 1: the sake of this listener letter, MS, you have young children.
Speaker 1: There is no one else in the world that can
Speaker 1: tell you how to parent your children because you spend
Speaker 1: the most time with them. Just make sure that you
Speaker 1: are doing yourself a service and your chosen a service
Speaker 1: by educating yourself on one of the best practices to help. Uh.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say matriculate them into society, but
Speaker 1: have them assimilate into society without being overwhelmed when they
Speaker 1: can do it without you with the over simulation. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So make sure that you find
Speaker 1: ways to introduce them to things that you think may
Speaker 1: be hard for harmful to them and an age appropriateness
Speaker 1: of course, yeah, because what we don't want is for
Speaker 1: that shelter to implode. But but if and if her
Speaker 1: husband don't want his kids around his family, that's a
Speaker 1: decision he makes. There may be something he knows, knows.
Speaker 1: He probably like, this is what we're gonna do. We're
Speaker 1: gonna move forward to minutes away because my parents and
Speaker 1: my family ain't ships. Right. If he's in agreement with
Speaker 1: all of that, and that's the decision y'all made, don't
Speaker 1: feel bad about it. It would be different though, if
Speaker 1: he was just like my wife maybe move out here,
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to get the kids to y'all. That's
Speaker 1: a whole difference. All right, that's a whole another topic
Speaker 1: for another day. All right, y'all, these are great. Please
Speaker 1: continue to keep writing in. And I know that we
Speaker 1: probably can't get to every single listener letter, but I
Speaker 1: do enjoy having this letter episodes because sometimes two is
Speaker 1: just not enough at the end of a podcast when
Speaker 1: we're speaking about some whole another topics. So keep them coming.
Speaker 1: We enjoy seeing them. I know Triple LOVESI thing through
Speaker 1: them to pull some topics for us to talk about.
Speaker 1: And if you want to be featured as a listener letter,
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at dead as Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S
Speaker 1: S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: All right, Moment of truth time. Do we have any
Speaker 1: moment of truths based off of I guess it could
Speaker 1: be any of the listening letters that we've had, or
Speaker 1: any thing in general. My moment of truth is about
Speaker 1: seeking advice, right, if you're really looking to seek advice
Speaker 1: about how to be the best partner to your partner,
Speaker 1: seek within. You know, we appreciate you asking us for advice,
Speaker 1: take our perspective with a grain of salt, because we
Speaker 1: are never to be all the ends all um, these
Speaker 1: these situations, the same exact letter with a little different
Speaker 1: twist might have a different outcome from us. So don't
Speaker 1: take it as you have to listen to everything we
Speaker 1: say and do it this way in order to be successful. No,
Speaker 1: seek seek your truths for what you want out of
Speaker 1: your relationships within never without. Yeah, And also just be
Speaker 1: careful and be mindful of who you're speaking to and
Speaker 1: who you're venting to, and who you're getting advice from, because,
Speaker 1: for example, DEVO and I are only given these perspectives
Speaker 1: based off of what you tell us and based off
Speaker 1: of our life experiences and the things that we've been
Speaker 1: exposed to as well throughout our entire lives. So again,
Speaker 1: take it with the grain of salt, and just be
Speaker 1: mindful of who you're divulging to, who you're seeking advice from,
Speaker 1: because sometimes it just may not be in your best interest.
Speaker 1: Facts all right, be sure to follow us on social
Speaker 1: media all if you have not been doing so already
Speaker 1: dead as the podcast on Instagram, which I love, the
Speaker 1: pages continuing to grow and we're trying to pass on
Speaker 1: there and keep that going for you guys, So thank
Speaker 1: you for engaging there, and then you can find me
Speaker 1: on Cadine I Am and I Am Devout and if
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review
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