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Speaker 1: You should never ask for advice outside of your relationship,

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Speaker 1: except if you asking us dead ass, because listen to

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Speaker 1: Lettuce is my favorite part of the show. Let's diving, y'all. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know

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Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading

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Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll

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Speaker 1: make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more

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Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created

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Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most

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Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about

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Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ads

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Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about

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Speaker 1: to take phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass starts right now. If fuck nowma right to you,

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Speaker 1: I day, I packed up Seilly time and that send

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Speaker 1: it up for now? Are dropping in the email box.

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Speaker 1: You're not gonna sing the bridge or the hook or

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Speaker 1: whatever it is. You're not gonna You're not gonna see it.

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Speaker 1: I don't know the words really, and I don't be

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Speaker 1: faking it, Like, what about sending my little sit sending

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Speaker 1: my love exactly, praying that you ceiling with the kids,

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Speaker 1: sending my love. Hey, we love when y'all send y'all

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Speaker 1: love to us. Yes we do. And you ask us

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Speaker 1: for our two cents because you know we got two

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Speaker 1: cents to spare. It's about be trying to teach you

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Speaker 1: all in the karaoke. Noticed that, right, every time I've

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Speaker 1: seen the karaoke, I give you all my best. He's

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Speaker 1: to be giving y'all the barren minium. Didn't even want

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Speaker 1: to see in my lane, but yeah I did. I

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Speaker 1: have to make sure that my lyrics straight because I

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Speaker 1: don't like to be fumbling people's lyrics. No money care

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Speaker 1: about the lyrics. You know, it's all about the essence,

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Speaker 1: all right, all right, I'll give you all essence from

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Speaker 1: now on. Is that enough? Yes? Because they're gonna be

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Speaker 1: singing the wrong words with us. This is what is

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Speaker 1: what we do. That is a fact. Listen to letters

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Speaker 1: are great when we do the live shows. People can't

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Speaker 1: wait to stand up and do their listening letters in person.

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Speaker 1: It's just funny to watch people be like nobody judged

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Speaker 1: me by my ask this question, what's the wildest listening

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Speaker 1: letter we've ever had or that we can remember. I

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Speaker 1: feel like there was a wild one that we had

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Speaker 1: sometime last season, and I cannot place it. All I

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Speaker 1: know is that dude, say he jacked four or five

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Speaker 1: times a jay and he married. I just want to

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Speaker 1: know what kind of job he got. What he could

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Speaker 1: just step away and just rub one out real quick,

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Speaker 1: like that's that's a lot of jacking to do. That

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Speaker 1: was because if you figure four or five times a

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Speaker 1: day and you're up, how many people are up on

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Speaker 1: average of how many hours, Let's think twelve to fifteen

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Speaker 1: hours a day, so that means every at least three hours, Like,

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Speaker 1: that's how many meals. I'm trying to get in to

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Speaker 1: lose this goddamn weight. I'm trying to eat six the day.

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Speaker 1: You know what, I guess this is there's a way.

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Speaker 1: I guess it's a way. So instead of eating, we're jacking. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: don't judge, don't judge, my man, he's being vulnerable with us,

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Speaker 1: letting us know what it is. Hey, no judgment at all,

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Speaker 1: but I was just trying. That was one of the

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Speaker 1: wildest listener letters I have had for sure, it's a

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Speaker 1: lot of jack. And how does he stay hydrated? Just

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Speaker 1: letting out that much fluid? Four or five times a

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Speaker 1: day every day? Drink a bottle of water after each

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Speaker 1: That's thirty five jacks a freaking week. Bro, that's over

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Speaker 1: a hundred and twenty jacks a month ago. That's mad

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Speaker 1: jacks protein at all? Like, where does it god? Fluent

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Speaker 1: and protein? Bro? Where does it go? I don't know?

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Speaker 1: In the sock? I guess. I don't know. Bro, this

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Speaker 1: is a lot. Hey, you don't let that discourage you

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Speaker 1: all from writing in. I promise you. I promise you

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Speaker 1: did no judgment here. We'll just be trying to figure

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Speaker 1: things out, you know what I'm saying. All right, let's

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Speaker 1: dive into the first one. Hey, Hey, Dvalin Cadeen. First

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Speaker 1: of all, I want to say that I love listening

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Speaker 1: to you guys and see your family videos. I sometimes

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Speaker 1: even share them with my husband, which brings me to

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Speaker 1: my situation. My husband and I have been celebrating, or

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Speaker 1: we'll be celebrating our first winning anniversary coming up in September. Now, Devout,

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Speaker 1: I've heard you say in a previous episode how much

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Speaker 1: you miss your girlfriend. That's exactly how I feel. I

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Speaker 1: missed my boyfriend. Were twenty six and we moved in

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Speaker 1: together about four months ago from being in a committed

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Speaker 1: relationship with one another. We we've known each other most

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Speaker 1: of our lives, and I've spent plenty of time around

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Speaker 1: his family due to his cousin being my best friend

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Speaker 1: for about fifteen years. We got engaged one year into

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Speaker 1: our relationship and married nine months later. We've had our rifts,

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Speaker 1: of course, about small things that happened in our everyday life.

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Speaker 1: He really enjoys playing video games two K and looks

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Speaker 1: at that time as his alone time and relaxation. I've

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Speaker 1: gotten better with allowing him to have that time, even

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Speaker 1: though most times it takes up the majority once we're

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Speaker 1: both home from work. Allow It's funny to hear a

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Speaker 1: woman say, allow him have that time, but let him.

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Speaker 1: Man say we allow our wives, they'd be ready to

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Speaker 1: just fight. You don't allow me to do nothing not bad.

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Speaker 1: You're right now. I'm triggered, right now. You triggered over there.

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Speaker 1: Trigger warning. You should have put a trigger warning this

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Speaker 1: because listen develop sping some kind of way. We sometimes

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Speaker 1: even have disagreements about how we deal with each other's needs.

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Speaker 1: I want him to be more affectionate and allow me

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Speaker 1: to be my affectionate, energetic self without feeling like I'm

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Speaker 1: bothering him. He's saying that life is in a fairy

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Speaker 1: tale or a movie, which, uh, I know what I'm what.

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Speaker 1: What I want is to feel loved and feel that

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Speaker 1: we can have fun together, even if it's just being

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Speaker 1: at home. There's a saying that the man must love

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Speaker 1: the woman more than she loves him for the things

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Speaker 1: to work. Really about that, sometimes I'm not sure if

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Speaker 1: that's the case with us. Of course, things are different

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Speaker 1: and some things will be difficult. In the first year

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Speaker 1: of marriage. I look forward to coming home to him

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Speaker 1: showing and showing him my love, but whenever we actually

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Speaker 1: spend time together, it seems like it's a chore for him,

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Speaker 1: or not something he really wants to do. We've even

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Speaker 1: thought about just drawing back from each other a bit

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Speaker 1: and somewhat detaching. I care very much, and he doesn't

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Speaker 1: feel like anything is wrong. I see how other people

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Speaker 1: are with their significant others, including you guys, but my

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Speaker 1: best friend and her boyfriend, and I long to have

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Speaker 1: that in relationship with my husband. MM Hmmm, that's what

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Speaker 1: I know. How do I get the man I fell

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Speaker 1: in love with without feeling like I'm forcing him to

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Speaker 1: enjoy being with me. I don't want to push him

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Speaker 1: away or lose him. First of all, says, you don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily want what me and Devout have because the struggles

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Speaker 1: that we've had, which we vocalized and we've spoken about

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Speaker 1: a lot on this podcast, um are things that we

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Speaker 1: continue to still struggle with. Devout is a super affectionate one.

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Speaker 1: I'm not I enjoy She went to sleep last night.

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Speaker 1: I didn't say I love you and nothing to me.

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Speaker 1: She just went in the bed, didn't say good night

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Speaker 1: enough mad tide, y'all. I just didn't. I just fell asleep.

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Speaker 1: And I have many nights like that, and I need

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Speaker 1: to do better. I do because mad nights like that

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Speaker 1: that I just go to sleep and I just go

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Speaker 1: to the room, and she'd already be sleep, no good night,

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Speaker 1: no love you. They'd be nice that I wake up

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Speaker 1: and uh, you know what when I wake up and

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Speaker 1: I'll lay one on you. Yeah, it happens. Let's talk

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Speaker 1: about let's that's a lie. That is a whole lie.

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Speaker 1: You never just wake up and lay one on me,

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Speaker 1: I wake you up to get it laid on me.

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Speaker 1: It is a difference, is a difference. Well, you get up,

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Speaker 1: you get up right, but you don't ever just wake

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Speaker 1: up like, oh my god, look at my husband over there,

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Speaker 1: definitely not doing that. Let me give him the sloppy

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Speaker 1: ropy right now, tired. But when I'm up, though, and

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Speaker 1: when he wakes me up, I'd be ready to go. No.

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Speaker 1: I was shaking my head to her statement about, uh,

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Speaker 1: I look at you guys, and don't do that. The

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Speaker 1: minute you tailor make your relationship to other people's expectations,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna fail. Because no one can be as good

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Speaker 1: as me and Codeine are at being me and Codeine.

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Speaker 1: We're already doing it you. No one is ever gonna

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Speaker 1: be as good as that. Like no, because because no

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Speaker 1: one's ever gonna be as good as you are, as

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Speaker 1: being you are to you and your your man, like

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Speaker 1: we could try to be y'all and it won't work.

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Speaker 1: Like if I try to play two K and K

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Speaker 1: try and I'm like, you see how she'd be on

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Speaker 1: on him. Let me play two K. Maybe you be

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Speaker 1: on me. It's not gonna work. I'm just trying to

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Speaker 1: emulate something I see, but it's not something that I

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Speaker 1: want or need. What you have to do is tell

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Speaker 1: him over and over and over again what you want

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Speaker 1: and what you need. Because marriage is an ongoing conversation.

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Speaker 1: It's never gonna end. My Yeah, it's really never gonna end.

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Speaker 1: Like it's literally every day waking up and deciding to

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Speaker 1: have those conversations to make those choices. You know, I

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Speaker 1: but I do understand her feeling though, like the feeling

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Speaker 1: of not being wanted. Like Kadeine and I tell Conine

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Speaker 1: all the time, I'm a super affectionate person. Knein walks

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Speaker 1: by me, I'm gonna grab her, I'm gonna rub her,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna whisper something in her, and I'm just gonna

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Speaker 1: tell her come here. And she's be like what, delt

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Speaker 1: like what what? I'm just like nothing, And I just

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Speaker 1: rub your thigh real quick, and then I'll just walk

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Speaker 1: by her and then it's like not the same. But

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Speaker 1: you also have to understand that people have different ways

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Speaker 1: of showing love, and if you expect the person that

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Speaker 1: you want to spend a much of your life with

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Speaker 1: to be exactly on the same page with you in

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Speaker 1: every aspect of life, you're gonna be up for disappointment

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Speaker 1: because people show love differently. So yeah, I mean I

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Speaker 1: feel like that the term love language. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if that's overused now because I know I'll be tired

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Speaker 1: of hearing of it. But I think it's a real thing.

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Speaker 1: It definitely is a real thing, trying to decipher how

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Speaker 1: people are able to display love, how they're able to

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Speaker 1: receive love, what's needed, where the deficits may lie, so

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Speaker 1: um have those conversations with her this, and also to

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Speaker 1: realize that it's a lot different sometimes too, once you

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Speaker 1: finally move in together, Like was he super affectionate just

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Speaker 1: as the boyfriend? And then the minute y'all got together,

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Speaker 1: it's like, now he's here, living together ahead of time

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Speaker 1: or not, because there's the moments to miss each other.

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Speaker 1: Think about when you're traveling, for example, when you're away,

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Speaker 1: when you're filming or whatever, forever apart for whatever reason.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes just having that distance alone is enough to make

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Speaker 1: you feel like, Damn, I can't wait to see my

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Speaker 1: person again and be in their space and be that

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Speaker 1: affectionate person that I want him to be or he

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Speaker 1: needs me to be, versus the monotony of a day

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Speaker 1: to day coming home and it just being the same thing.

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Speaker 1: I can also be I think there's two things. Number One,

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Speaker 1: if they moved together recently, then that means they moved

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Speaker 1: in together during the pandemic. That was an anomaly, Like

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Speaker 1: you can't you can't say my life moving forward is

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Speaker 1: going to be like this based on the way it was. One,

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Speaker 1: because nobody was outside, nobody was doing anything. It was

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Speaker 1: just it was a very awkward, weird time. So don't

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Speaker 1: judge him or judge yourself based on that. Number Two,

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Speaker 1: it goes without saying. I mean, I have to say this.

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Speaker 1: No one understands what it feels like to be the

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Speaker 1: over affectionate person in the relationship until you are the

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Speaker 1: over affectionate personal relationship because the other person, since they're

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Speaker 1: not affectionate, thinks that everything is fine. But you, if

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Speaker 1: you're the affectionate one, is walking around feeling at a

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Speaker 1: deficit because you feel like that this person doesn't love

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Speaker 1: me as much as I love them because they're not

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Speaker 1: acting the way you act, And that's difficult for someone.

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Speaker 1: You and I have talked about that all the time.

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Speaker 1: For me, it was just like yo, like I got

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Speaker 1: this girl that I just I'm madly in love with

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Speaker 1: I want to be around to all the time, and

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Speaker 1: she just don't feel the same. And then it's just like,

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Speaker 1: do you not love me? Is it something about my

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Speaker 1: physical appearance? Like it becomes a thing where you start

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Speaker 1: to question yourself and you internalize it. And then I

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Speaker 1: know with with us when I'm away, the minute I leave,

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Speaker 1: Like the minute I leave, she'll send me a text

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Speaker 1: I'm missing you already, And I'd be like, bit, I

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Speaker 1: was in the house for three weeks, you don't even

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Speaker 1: hug me. Now I leave the house and as I

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Speaker 1: mess you already space bro. It's just I think people

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Speaker 1: like that, like me, like her, really take time, Like

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Speaker 1: it takes us time to realize that that doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: the person doesn't love us. They just love differently, because

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Speaker 1: you only love people the way you know you want

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Speaker 1: to be loved, and when you're not getting that, it

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Speaker 1: makes you feel a way. So I understand where she's

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Speaker 1: coming from. No, for sure, for sure, I have those

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Speaker 1: conversations just because it's still early on and you guys

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Speaker 1: have been around the family a long time and all that,

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Speaker 1: which is great, Um, but I understand that feeling of

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Speaker 1: wanting to have that boyfriend girlfriendness back, because don't we

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Speaker 1: all wish that we can bottle up that very fresh

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Speaker 1: newness that we've experienced in the relationship And don't be

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Speaker 1: afraid to push him away by telling him your truth.

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Speaker 1: If you're telling him your truth means he wants to

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Speaker 1: be with someone else or be pushed away, then that's

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Speaker 1: not your person. Like I tell Connin my truth and

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Speaker 1: she's often like, oh baby, and then she's just like, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel that way, Let's work

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Speaker 1: on it. If I to tell condem my truth and

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Speaker 1: she'd be like, well, get you doing too much and

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Speaker 1: I don't want all of that, then I'm like, all right, well,

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Speaker 1: if you don't want that and this is what I required,

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Speaker 1: then we don't need to be together. So tell him

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Speaker 1: your truth and once he makes his response, then you

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Speaker 1: know how to move. All right, We're up to listen

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Speaker 1: to letter number two. Hey, Codeine and de Val, please

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Speaker 1: keep me anonymous of course. First off, I just want

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Speaker 1: to say I love the podcast. You guys really out

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Speaker 1: here changing and saving relationships one episode at a time.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Okay, here goes my boyfriend of

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Speaker 1: eight years found out a few years ago that his

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Speaker 1: daughter is not biologically his. Before this was revealed, he

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Speaker 1: was on child support and joint custody was granted, but

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Speaker 1: the mother made it very hard and did everything she

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Speaker 1: could to make parenting miserable for him, and the irony

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Speaker 1: is is not his. Fast forward to the President. We

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Speaker 1: have maybe spent a month's total worth of days with

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Speaker 1: the daughter since we found out. The mother has taken

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend off of child support and she is currently

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Speaker 1: living with and in a relationship with the daughter's biological dad. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so then there we go. It seems now we only

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Speaker 1: get to see the daughter when it's convenient for the mother. Oh,

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Speaker 1: they still want to be in a daughter's life. Other

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Speaker 1: than that, we don't get to see her here from

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Speaker 1: the daughter, and he's blocked most of the time. It's

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Speaker 1: clear that the mother no longer wants us to be

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Speaker 1: a part of her daughter's life, and my boyfriend can't

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Speaker 1: seem to let this go. I understand that if that's

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Speaker 1: been your daughter for a long time, there's there's no

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Speaker 1: way to just let that go. Kudos to him, because

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Speaker 1: a less of a man would have been like, I'm out,

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Speaker 1: but that that child doesn't deserve that. He's even talking

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Speaker 1: about hiring a lord to enforce his joint custody agreement.

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Speaker 1: I'm fearful at this point he is setting himself up

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Speaker 1: for Harvard, because I feel that if he takes her,

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Speaker 1: the court is going to get ugly. I know he

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Speaker 1: loves her as I do, but a part of me

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Speaker 1: feels as if we should just fall back. Of course

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Speaker 1: you would, being as though her biologed with dad is

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Speaker 1: in the picture and wanting to be a dad. I

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Speaker 1: don't know how to bring this up to him, as

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Speaker 1: this is a touchy subject. I understand that, and he

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Speaker 1: gets defensive as I would too, every time I try

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Speaker 1: to talk about it. I don't know why he is

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Speaker 1: holding on so strong, because if someone's sent it to

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Speaker 1: you as their daughter, and your heart takes the men

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Speaker 1: as a daughter, you don't just let that go. You

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Speaker 1: know what's funny about women? Let me see this man. Also,

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Speaker 1: this has kind of had our relationship in a stagnant place,

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Speaker 1: as he has stated before that he doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: move things forward until he gets things figured out with

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Speaker 1: his kids. Frankly, I'm tired of waiting, and I don't

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Speaker 1: feel like the option of engagement marriage should be contingent

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Speaker 1: on whether he can get the situation to work out.

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Speaker 1: Any advice would be helpful. Love you guys in the pod,

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Speaker 1: keep it up. Truly frustrated and over it. Here's my

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Speaker 1: first thing, Right, I've noticed about women women have a

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Speaker 1: strong connection with their own children. Right, But I've also

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Speaker 1: noticed that that those same women, and I'm I hate

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Speaker 1: to generalize, and you can't say all women, but when

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Speaker 1: they find out that their partner has a child, it's

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Speaker 1: almost like an instant block that that child is not

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Speaker 1: my child, and the connection is just not as strong.

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Speaker 1: So it's like I'm ready to cut ties with the

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Speaker 1: child or as far as like only the husband, like

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Speaker 1: you need to just let that go, or the boyfriend,

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Speaker 1: like because it's not their child. So they're like, you know,

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Speaker 1: can't you just walk away from it, but not understanding

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Speaker 1: that it's there's an emotional attachment you can't just expect.

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Speaker 1: Like for example, we know some people who have relationships

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Speaker 1: with people's baby mothers, and it'd be you know, you

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Speaker 1: hear women sometimes just be like, yo, why don't you

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Speaker 1: just just let it go? Let her have it, like

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Speaker 1: and it's like you're really asking this man to walk

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Speaker 1: out of their own child's life because you feel inconvenience

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Speaker 1: that he has a child with another woman, but not

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Speaker 1: understanding that if it was on the other end and

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Speaker 1: that was your child, you would want that child to

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Speaker 1: have a relationship with their father. And I just find

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Speaker 1: the duality of like womanhood and motherhood. It's like, when

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Speaker 1: it's your child, you're ready to protect them, but when

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Speaker 1: it's someone else's child, that the obvious should be to

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Speaker 1: understand and protect that child. But sometimes like, well, this

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Speaker 1: is my man now, so whatever that child is going

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Speaker 1: through doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying. I hear

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Speaker 1: what you're saying. What you're saying. I think in this instance,

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Speaker 1: she is more frustrated with the fact that a couple

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Speaker 1: of things she doesn't want her and she's probably she's

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Speaker 1: having to deal with this too, right, So absolutely can't

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Speaker 1: expect for this to be a thing where she just

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Speaker 1: removes herself from it. It's like that she has to

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Speaker 1: and she too says she's had a relationship with this

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Speaker 1: child as well. But I think what she's getting at

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Speaker 1: is that she doesn't want him to set himself up

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Speaker 1: for failure. Now that will the courts even grant him

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Speaker 1: any kind of joint custody, seeing as though technically he's

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Speaker 1: just not the father at all. And now that the

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Speaker 1: biological father is back into her life and she's with

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Speaker 1: her biological mom, will will he be fighting a fight

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Speaker 1: that is just not understand that ever end up in

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Speaker 1: his favor. I understand that, but even that in itself

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Speaker 1: is unfair. Right, you say that this is my biological child.

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Speaker 1: I do everything that I'm supposed to to take care

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Speaker 1: of the child. You know what I'm saying. I'm on

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Speaker 1: child support, I'm fighting for visitation, I'm building a relationship

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Speaker 1: with the child, but then it turns out it's not mine,

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Speaker 1: and you expect me just to cut all that off.

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Speaker 1: Like there's no real man that I know that would

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Speaker 1: be able to say like washing my hands off of this,

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Speaker 1: especially if you've watched that child from birth become a

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Speaker 1: little person, knowing that that person is going to be saying, well,

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Speaker 1: where's my daddy, and then feeling maybe some sort of

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Speaker 1: abandonment and stuff to you from that. Yeah, it's it's

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Speaker 1: a very sticky and difficult situation um for a lot

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Speaker 1: of the parties involved here. But I can't also understand

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Speaker 1: this woman feeling like damn, like until he figures this out,

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Speaker 1: then we're stagnant, like their relationship can't move in any

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Speaker 1: kind of way because that's where his focus is now.

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Speaker 1: She wants him to either relinquish himself of this focus

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Speaker 1: or figure out what the happy media. But that's what

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Speaker 1: But that's what I'm saying is the duality of motherhood

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Speaker 1: is like, when it's my child, you care if she's

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Speaker 1: a mother or not. Did she right? But what I'm

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Speaker 1: saying is she's talking about trying to move forward for

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Speaker 1: the future, and what I'm trying to point out is

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Speaker 1: that it's the understanding that that's someone's child. It may

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Speaker 1: not be your child. But to say you need to

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Speaker 1: wash your hands of this and move on to me,

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Speaker 1: it's like that that that's bad karma, you know what

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00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,879
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Because that because that child didn't ask for

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Speaker 1: this situation, and for because it's inconvenient for you in

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Speaker 1: the moment to say wash your hands of that and

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Speaker 1: leave it alone, I think that's extremely selfish. You know,

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying that she doesn't have a right to

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Speaker 1: feel a way because she does, like you didn't ask

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Speaker 1: for this. The woman lied or the woman didn't know,

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Speaker 1: and here you are have been and she said, the

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00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,399
Speaker 1: woman has been a hell to deal with for the

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Speaker 1: past couple of years, dealing with this whole child. So

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Speaker 1: I understand her animosity towards the woman and stuff like that,

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Speaker 1: But where is the empathy for the child and the

401
00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:43,760
Speaker 1: man that you love, knowing that this is someone that

402
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Speaker 1: he calls his daughter. It's impossible for you to tell

403
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Speaker 1: that man, let washing just washing hands and let it

404
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Speaker 1: go like there's no way. You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: She's asking for it to be that cut and dry

406
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Speaker 1: because she does say too, she's had a relationship with child,

407
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,080
Speaker 1: because she's been around as well too. I'm curi to

408
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,479
Speaker 1: know she has her own children with or without him,

409
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:06,000
Speaker 1: because sometimes to not having been a mother or knowing

410
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Speaker 1: what that feels like, Yes, it might be bad, Harmer,

411
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Speaker 1: like you said, but in that moment, she may not

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Speaker 1: even be able to relate on that level because unless

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Speaker 1: you've been a mother, you don't understand really fully what

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Speaker 1: it's like. You can imagine it. But but you said,

415
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,399
Speaker 1: you don't think that she's saying. She literally said, I

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Speaker 1: know he loves her as I do, but part of

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Speaker 1: me feels he should just fall back, being as though

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Speaker 1: her biological like that. That to me is like asking

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Speaker 1: someone to fall back from someone who they have taken

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Speaker 1: in as their child, even even like I'm not gonna

421
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,800
Speaker 1: lie to you, right, we have a lot of young

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Speaker 1: people that we call our children, right. There are some

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00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,840
Speaker 1: in particular who are more like my kids than others.

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Speaker 1: If at this point that person's child father came into

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Speaker 1: their life and they were like, you need to fall back,

426
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,480
Speaker 1: I would be heartbroken, and y'all would probably see me

427
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,119
Speaker 1: fight somebody as much as I've done to be a

428
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,240
Speaker 1: part of this person and to instill into this person

429
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,119
Speaker 1: what it is to be a man, and now someone

430
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 1: comes in and it's just like, well, all right, well

431
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,359
Speaker 1: fall back. And the thing is already have my own kids,

432
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,159
Speaker 1: But that's not the point once you create a bond

433
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,680
Speaker 1: with something. And I don't think that that's what I'm

434
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,520
Speaker 1: saying about the duality of motherhood, because I don't think

435
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,919
Speaker 1: women understand when you have a good man and he

436
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,040
Speaker 1: chooses to be a father to someone, the title doesn't matter,

437
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,480
Speaker 1: and saying to fall back, especially because we we've had

438
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,960
Speaker 1: this in other listener letters where his baby mother is crazy.

439
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,960
Speaker 1: I wish you would just leave that situation alone. It

440
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,280
Speaker 1: is hard for a good man to just leave a

441
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,879
Speaker 1: situation alone when their child is involved. I agree with you.

442
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,639
Speaker 1: I'm just playing devil's advocate and trying to get maybe

443
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,560
Speaker 1: her perspective on things, her wanting to protect her husband

444
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:49,200
Speaker 1: from her man now from like you, potential heartbreak anybody

445
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:53,280
Speaker 1: who's against me that I'm a pitable for you a

446
00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:55,840
Speaker 1: hundred times over. And I don't even think twice about it.

447
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,560
Speaker 1: If that person don't like you, don't walk with you,

448
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 1: I don't work with them. Like that's just what it is.

449
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,000
Speaker 1: And I can see how maybe she feels like you

450
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,320
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, It's like, Okay, we love this

451
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,800
Speaker 1: daughter and everything her mother been given us hell from

452
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,600
Speaker 1: day one. However, I just don't want you to be

453
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,679
Speaker 1: even more heartbroken than you are now putting into the

454
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,359
Speaker 1: hope that maybe I can get some joint custody. Maybe

455
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,879
Speaker 1: I can, you know, be in this until maybe this

456
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,120
Speaker 1: girl is of age. Hopefully he can have some sort

457
00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,239
Speaker 1: of presence where the daughter still knows he's there, can

458
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,679
Speaker 1: imagine enough to decide to want to come see him

459
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,439
Speaker 1: a little bit more. But can you imagine, right, if

460
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,560
Speaker 1: you wait years and after years, you're going to meet

461
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,080
Speaker 1: with this young lady and she tells you, my mom

462
00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:31,320
Speaker 1: told me you don't want me no more she got

463
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,080
Speaker 1: because that happens a lot, you know what I'm saying,

464
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:36,680
Speaker 1: with what narrative she's creating over there, and not only

465
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,840
Speaker 1: just for the young lady. But I don't think women

466
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,639
Speaker 1: realize when you have a man, a good husband, or

467
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,679
Speaker 1: a good father or a good man, it's not easy

468
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:48,280
Speaker 1: to break that that tie, with that tie with someone

469
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:50,919
Speaker 1: that you consider to be your child. Like it's not

470
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,160
Speaker 1: a thing where you can just let it go. And

471
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,560
Speaker 1: the reason why I'm talking about the duality is because

472
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,520
Speaker 1: moms know how hard it is. You would never break

473
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,320
Speaker 1: a mom's tied with their child. But to hear you know,

474
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,080
Speaker 1: women often sending listen to letters saying like I wish

475
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,600
Speaker 1: he would just let it go because it's inconvenient for them.

476
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,399
Speaker 1: To me, it's just selfish because if when it's your child,

477
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,840
Speaker 1: no one tells a mom or something like that. You

478
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,200
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, That's what I was saying, the duality,

479
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 1: it's just like crazy perspective. Um. But of course when

480
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,119
Speaker 1: we get these listen letters, we try to weigh in

481
00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 1: different options. And I understand what you're coming from as

482
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,920
Speaker 1: far as if she's a pit both for him. It's like,

483
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:25,960
Speaker 1: I don't want to see him hurt. I just wish

484
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:28,639
Speaker 1: he would let it go. And I guess that's why

485
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,800
Speaker 1: she's asking for help, because she doesn't know how to exist. Well,

486
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,240
Speaker 1: let's just give us some advice. I would say, just

487
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,800
Speaker 1: be careful of trying to tell him to wipe his hands,

488
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:39,320
Speaker 1: because that's gonna make him defensive, and that's gonna make

489
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:40,880
Speaker 1: him be like, you don't have what's in the best

490
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:44,160
Speaker 1: interests of me or this child, So that would make

491
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,719
Speaker 1: him that could potentially turn him off, turn him off right,

492
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 1: So I would I would refrain from but I would

493
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:54,320
Speaker 1: try to find a way to be of assistance in

494
00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 1: helping it go smootherer. And I'm not saying you have

495
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: to be a chance or can do it to the

496
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,359
Speaker 1: other baby mother, don't. But you know, help them figure

497
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,800
Speaker 1: out some you know, read through this stuff to figure

498
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 1: out how you can get custody. You know, be be

499
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,200
Speaker 1: a part or asset to the cause as opposed to

500
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 1: being against it, and significant just be the advocate because

501
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,359
Speaker 1: he needs that and he's not gonna let it go

502
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:19,200
Speaker 1: right as he shouldn't because he has a relationship in

503
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,480
Speaker 1: bond with this this young lady. Um. So yeah, good

504
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,680
Speaker 1: luck to you guys. Um, we're too in. I think

505
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,600
Speaker 1: we have a couple more and that might be a

506
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,040
Speaker 1: good good time to take a little break. Um, gather

507
00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 1: up some more listeners that come back. All right, so

508
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:47,840
Speaker 1: stick around all right, now we're back and onto the

509
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 1: third listener letter of the episode. Hi Kane Devout. First

510
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,320
Speaker 1: things first, I love you guys and admire you so much.

511
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,120
Speaker 1: I pray that God's hand is on you and continue

512
00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,399
Speaker 1: to bless your family. Thank you receive that. So I

513
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,919
Speaker 1: just turned twenty eight and I am healing from my

514
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,879
Speaker 1: father's wounds. I am the product of an affair. My

515
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 1: father cheated on his wife. I was angry, resentful for

516
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,560
Speaker 1: a long time because I felt like a secret and

517
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: family members gave me a hard time as a child.

518
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,479
Speaker 1: In two thousand five, my mother got married and I

519
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:21,040
Speaker 1: was excited to have a dad finally. Well, I feel

520
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,680
Speaker 1: like he wasn't exactly excited about having a daughter. My

521
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,439
Speaker 1: mom and stepdad have been married for seventeen years and

522
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 1: he has never tried to cultivate a relationship with me.

523
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,399
Speaker 1: He never talks to me, and we live in the

524
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,359
Speaker 1: same home, like we do not speak at all, and

525
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,119
Speaker 1: that's it. Caps The most he says to me is

526
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:42,400
Speaker 1: good morning. We have had several family meetings, respectfully expressing

527
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 1: my hurt, and he chose not to make a change

528
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,480
Speaker 1: after I expressed how I felt multiple times. I feel

529
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 1: like at this point he's choosing not to have a

530
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:53,000
Speaker 1: relationship with me as a child. My mother used to

531
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:56,040
Speaker 1: try to make me pursue my stepfather, like telling me

532
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,119
Speaker 1: to ask him to do an activity with me. I

533
00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:00,399
Speaker 1: feel like I should never have to do that. He

534
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,480
Speaker 1: married my mother and he chose to be a parent

535
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,480
Speaker 1: to me. I believe it's the parents responsibility to foster

536
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,480
Speaker 1: a relationship with their child. My mother thinks I should

537
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,359
Speaker 1: pursue him because he has provided for us for me

538
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,080
Speaker 1: a house, cars, and food, which is supposed to be

539
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,919
Speaker 1: doing as a provider material. Thinks me nothing if you

540
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,159
Speaker 1: haven't taught me anything or tried to have a relationship

541
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,399
Speaker 1: with me. I love my mother so much that she

542
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,719
Speaker 1: knows that she knows how I feel. It's very hurtful

543
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,240
Speaker 1: that she wants to have these fake moments of happiness

544
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,920
Speaker 1: knowing her husband doesn't speak to me. I cannot be fake,

545
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 1: but I want to be respectful because I love my mom.

546
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 1: I'm so hurt that I haven't chosen, that I've chosen

547
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,040
Speaker 1: not to let him walk me down the aisle when

548
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,000
Speaker 1: I get married. It's fake because he and I have

549
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:50,320
Speaker 1: no relationship at all, exactly as my bio dad and

550
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 1: I are getting better and closer over the years. My

551
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 1: dad has tried to have a relationship with me despite

552
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,320
Speaker 1: my resentment. For that, I give him his flowers. So

553
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,200
Speaker 1: what are we talking about here? What are we talking

554
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,680
Speaker 1: about him? How do I set boundaries with my mother

555
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: to let her know to stop trying to force me

556
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 1: to pursue my stepfather after I've told him and my

557
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:13,160
Speaker 1: mother how he's hurt me. Signed a fatherless daughter. Oh,

558
00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 1: siss sis says, you're not fatherless, But this is this

559
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:22,160
Speaker 1: is part of the issue, right, Your dad made poor

560
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:26,120
Speaker 1: choices when cheating on his wife, and you're the product

561
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 1: of interfere But if your dad always trying to have

562
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,639
Speaker 1: a relationship with you, you chose to try to have

563
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,399
Speaker 1: a relationship with someone else because you had resentment towards

564
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 1: your dad. You had a father the whole time, but

565
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:38,960
Speaker 1: he didn't look the way you wanted him to look,

566
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,400
Speaker 1: or he wasn't presented the way you wanted to be presented,

567
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,399
Speaker 1: so you pushed it off and tried to have a

568
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,879
Speaker 1: relationship with this man who clearly wasn't interested. Well, rightfully

569
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:49,040
Speaker 1: so in a sense, because she probably felt like, Okay,

570
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,359
Speaker 1: if I'm being treated this way by other family members

571
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,520
Speaker 1: as this, I'm sort of plague or I'm the outcast,

572
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,919
Speaker 1: then it can intern. But what they got to do

573
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 1: with her relationship with her father, No, I'm just saying

574
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 1: that might be the reason why she feels a bit

575
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:01,960
Speaker 1: of the resentment that she feels towards her father, because

576
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 1: she was in turn treated this way unfairly by adults,

577
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 1: which we always know that's usually the case. The adults

578
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 1: are the ones who have no sense of But she

579
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 1: did say that it was other people. She didn't say

580
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: my father treated me differently. She should have still fostered

581
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,719
Speaker 1: the relationship with her biological dad and told those other

582
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,199
Speaker 1: adults to kick rocks, because that's what they really need

583
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,439
Speaker 1: to do, is just kick rocks. But I understand it.

584
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,119
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. If if not even as

585
00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,640
Speaker 1: a child. The other adults say that, Say that's my sister,

586
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,680
Speaker 1: Say that's you know, somebody that I know. And and

587
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:35,119
Speaker 1: this guy cheated on my sister and had a whole baby.

588
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 1: I'm going to have some resentment towards him. I would

589
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 1: never mistreat his child, though, because the daughter had nothing

590
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 1: to do with it. But everyone's not that mature and

591
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 1: stand what I'm saying. But this, but this is just

592
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 1: an opportunity for us to learn this. People, when someone

593
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:50,480
Speaker 1: is looking to have a relationship with you and you

594
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,200
Speaker 1: discard it because it doesn't come in the package you want,

595
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,520
Speaker 1: and you try to have a relationship with someone else

596
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:58,680
Speaker 1: because the package looks better, you get what you ask for.

597
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 1: That I can see that understore for sure, because the package,

598
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:05,719
Speaker 1: as you're saying, just to kind of further explain, So

599
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,640
Speaker 1: you're saying that her stepfather looked like the perfect package

600
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:12,200
Speaker 1: because he provided, because he married her mom, because he

601
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 1: was doing all of the things and checking the boxes

602
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:18,920
Speaker 1: that needed for a child in the house. This is

603
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 1: the package I was expecting from my family. So that

604
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: guy who was here is the guy that I'm going

605
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,040
Speaker 1: to try to force a relationship. You know what, I

606
00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,440
Speaker 1: also wonder when she's had the conversations with her mom

607
00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 1: and stepdad, because she says she's tried to have these

608
00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 1: sit down conversations, what does he say, Like, what is

609
00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 1: his reply? Was his response knowing that it hurts you

610
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 1: that you don't have a relationship with him and you

611
00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:40,000
Speaker 1: express it, does he just completely ignore it? And it's

612
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,800
Speaker 1: for what reason? Well, she doesn't say you have any siblings,

613
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,280
Speaker 1: so I wonder if he never wanted children to begin with.

614
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 1: So it was just kind of like, well, here's a

615
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 1: woman that I've fallen in love. If she already has

616
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 1: a child, so she's not gonna want kids. I don't

617
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 1: want kids. And sometimes people just don't have that relationship

618
00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:58,040
Speaker 1: with kids where they just don't want to have children,

619
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 1: and maybe that capacity to even want to write, or

620
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,520
Speaker 1: maybe he came from a broken home and maybe the

621
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:07,360
Speaker 1: adults in his life were terrible, so he's just like

622
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,080
Speaker 1: I don't mom, I'm not trying to get involved with it.

623
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 1: Like there's so many different layers to try to unpack.

624
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,520
Speaker 1: I just want her to realize that you have someone

625
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,400
Speaker 1: who is your actual biological father who wants to force

626
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 1: a relationship, and that should be your and I don't

627
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,719
Speaker 1: you're focused. I don't disagree with you not wanting your

628
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: stepfather to walk you down there. I agree with a

629
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 1: bunch of just he could stay stuff. Yeah, he could

630
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: sit quietly next to your mom as he's been for

631
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 1: the past however many years. And this is how you

632
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 1: set boundaries with your mom. Mom, I'm not interested in

633
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 1: having a relationship with that man. Leave it alone. I've

634
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,680
Speaker 1: had to do that with my mom. Yes, I've had

635
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,240
Speaker 1: to do that with my mom. Yes, my my biological

636
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,760
Speaker 1: grandfather on my mother's side does not have a relationship

637
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 1: with us. He made choice in his life that he

638
00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: didn't want to be around uh me and my brother

639
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,840
Speaker 1: and my sister because he had issues with the family.

640
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:00,959
Speaker 1: Now I have grandkids, Now I have kids of his grandkids.

641
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,360
Speaker 1: And for a long time, my mom used to be like, yo,

642
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 1: why don't you call you your grandfather? Why don't you

643
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,760
Speaker 1: go because he doesn't try, he doesn't try, I'm not

644
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:11,720
Speaker 1: gonna try. Do I have any animosity towards him, No,

645
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:13,959
Speaker 1: I just don't have a relationship. But I'm not going

646
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,720
Speaker 1: to continue to playcate his behavior by trying to reach out.

647
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,920
Speaker 1: Because my mom is saying to reach out and then

648
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 1: getting burnt in return. I reach out and I don't

649
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:23,160
Speaker 1: hear nothing back, or I reach out and then he

650
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 1: drops the ball, so I end up being disappointed. He's

651
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:28,280
Speaker 1: already disappointed you. I'm not gonna let him disappoint me,

652
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:30,480
Speaker 1: and I am sure you're gonna let him disappoint my kids.

653
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 1: So I just the boundaries. I'm not doing it. I'm

654
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: gonna don't know. You can't force me. Well said, take

655
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:42,360
Speaker 1: that sense exactly what he's said. That's just what it is. Yeah,

656
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 1: Because like you said, you love your mom. Your mom

657
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 1: has been there for you, and that has nothing to

658
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 1: do with the relationship you and your mom have. So

659
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:51,479
Speaker 1: good luck to you, sis, facts and nothing. Nothing. Your

660
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:55,920
Speaker 1: mom is fouled too. It's just my personal opinion. You

661
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:58,760
Speaker 1: marry someone and you know that that person is also

662
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 1: has to be a part of your child life. Your

663
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,720
Speaker 1: child chose, not your child didn't choose to be here.

664
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: I think it's always I think it's always important to

665
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,600
Speaker 1: choose someone that can embrace you fully, and being a

666
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 1: parent is fully embracing you. And if that person just

667
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: continues to know that aspects of your life, I personally

668
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 1: wouldn't choose that person to be in my life, because

669
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,080
Speaker 1: I've seen the effects of how that can affect the child.

670
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:27,800
Speaker 1: One of our close friends her her step mom never

671
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:32,200
Speaker 1: really respected her. Her step mom's family never really showed

672
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,920
Speaker 1: her any of true love, and I see how it

673
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 1: affects her. She doesn't have a relationship that she wants

674
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:38,480
Speaker 1: to have with that woman, and she's fine with that.

675
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:40,120
Speaker 1: And she you know, you uhould ask her dad like

676
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 1: how come you didn't step in at times when things

677
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 1: were happening, And her dad was just like I thought

678
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 1: you would figure it out. It's not for a child

679
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 1: to figure that out. That's also the next Dear Cadene

680
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,160
Speaker 1: and Devout. First off, love you guys to pieces and

681
00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:00,960
Speaker 1: have been following since Instagram videos to start the start

682
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,440
Speaker 1: off your YouTube page. I am a twenty six year

683
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,800
Speaker 1: old Jamaican American tourists from New York City and my

684
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:08,600
Speaker 1: man is a twenty seven year old Puerto Rican Jamaican

685
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 1: American sagittarius. I clearly like playing with fire. I'm writing

686
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 1: this letter because my friends don't like my man. We've

687
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,600
Speaker 1: been dating for almost two years and the first year

688
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:21,880
Speaker 1: was great, but in November he dropped the bomb. He

689
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,640
Speaker 1: told me the day before his birthday shower the day before.

690
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,920
Speaker 1: He told me the day before his baby shower that

691
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:29,760
Speaker 1: he was having a baby with his EGX. I confided

692
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 1: in my friends because I don't know why you would

693
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 1: ever do that, because it was devastating, and they have

694
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 1: become my biggest support system. After a month apart, I

695
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 1: chose to continue the relationship, and that's always happened. You

696
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:43,520
Speaker 1: choose to continue, but your friends don't want to. I

697
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 1: have worked through the feelings of betrayal and deceit, but

698
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:48,479
Speaker 1: my friends cannot get over it. They hold it against him,

699
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:50,400
Speaker 1: to the point where one of my friends was told

700
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 1: has told me not to bring him around. Even my

701
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: friends that haven't met him don't want me to be

702
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 1: with him. He has been doing the work to be

703
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,720
Speaker 1: more open on us, and he has reassured me of

704
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,640
Speaker 1: the co parenting relationship he has with his ex, so

705
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,560
Speaker 1: I don't have any issues with that anymore. Although I

706
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:10,520
Speaker 1: have moved on, my friends cannot. He is aware of

707
00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:12,400
Speaker 1: one of my friends not being his biggest fan, but

708
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,480
Speaker 1: I haven't told him how the rest of my friends

709
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,320
Speaker 1: feel about him. Most of my friends are in relationships.

710
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,839
Speaker 1: We go out together frequently and now that I'm with him,

711
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:23,400
Speaker 1: I would like to invite him out with us or

712
00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:25,640
Speaker 1: on our trips. I don't know what to do to

713
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:29,520
Speaker 1: change my friends perception of him. Please help signed stuck

714
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:37,080
Speaker 1: between a rock and a hard place. Ah, that's a

715
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:43,040
Speaker 1: sure fire way to man that all your friends talking

716
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 1: about something, don't bring him around because it isn't that.

717
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,440
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you. They have been through some ship

718
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 1: that y'all don't know about that they won't ever tell

719
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:52,080
Speaker 1: y'all because y'all be the same way them holding that

720
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 1: against that man for that long and and being the

721
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 1: be all and end though he can't be around his

722
00:34:56,360 --> 00:35:01,360
Speaker 1: wild corny son, Wild Corny, do y'all remember diary people graceists,

723
00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:04,839
Speaker 1: no no, no number. Why did I get married? When

724
00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:06,600
Speaker 1: they all sat at the table and people started airing

725
00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 1: dirty laundry? It's always the people who got the most

726
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:11,719
Speaker 1: to say, who judge other people's relationship the most, who

727
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 1: got the most dirty laundry? Who are you to judge

728
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:19,160
Speaker 1: somebody else's relationship? To see that exactly? That's wild corny.

729
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,000
Speaker 1: Your friends are gonna have to get over that ship.

730
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,319
Speaker 1: It's like for real. But this is also too, Why

731
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,200
Speaker 1: you just do not divorce that information. You know how

732
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:29,560
Speaker 1: many times Devon and I have been, like I said, married, divorced, remarried,

733
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:33,040
Speaker 1: divorced within the same relationship, and nobody else wouldn't tell nobody,

734
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:36,360
Speaker 1: not one person for that reason. There was no reason

735
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:40,600
Speaker 1: for them to know. And people love to pass judge

736
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: and project their issues onto other people when they know

737
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:48,000
Speaker 1: that they're going through the same things within the devastation,

738
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:50,440
Speaker 1: within the Oh my god, I can't believe this is

739
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:53,439
Speaker 1: happening moment that you had with the finding out the baby,

740
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:55,600
Speaker 1: because that's a big doozy. That is a pretty big doozy.

741
00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:57,839
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna even take take away from the fact

742
00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:00,880
Speaker 1: that that was pretty catastrophic. It at the same time,

743
00:36:03,239 --> 00:36:06,279
Speaker 1: you and him had to work that out. Facts like

744
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:09,400
Speaker 1: y'all had to work that out. Nobody, nobody has the

745
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:14,520
Speaker 1: right to say unless now, if you if your boyfriend

746
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:17,040
Speaker 1: did something disrespectful to your friends and they don't want

747
00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,960
Speaker 1: to be around him, I get that. I get that.

748
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 1: But if y'all are working on your own relationship and

749
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,439
Speaker 1: y'all say y'all cool, they have no right to tell

750
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,560
Speaker 1: you he can't come around like that's the that's the

751
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,919
Speaker 1: wildest should I ever heard in my life, Like then,

752
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,040
Speaker 1: people don't have the right to do that to other people.

753
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:34,839
Speaker 1: And even if they're not telling him that he can't

754
00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:36,839
Speaker 1: come around, I can just envision it being a thing

755
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,319
Speaker 1: where he does come around and everyone's making it uncomfortable,

756
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 1: everyone's making it awkward, everyone's whispering to the side that

757
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:45,480
Speaker 1: in itself too is enough for him to feel like, yo,

758
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,839
Speaker 1: I don't have to be around this, neither or want

759
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:49,359
Speaker 1: to be around it. Who would want to be around that?

760
00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,719
Speaker 1: And we've seen, we've seen what happens when people do that,

761
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,680
Speaker 1: When people point the finger at other people with their

762
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 1: relationship being right, don't bring them and then years go

763
00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:00,520
Speaker 1: by and what happens? Their relationship fail? And SA, wait

764
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:02,560
Speaker 1: a minute, weren't you the same person telling me that

765
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:05,080
Speaker 1: I shouldn't accept this? What are you the same person

766
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:09,399
Speaker 1: telling me I should watch out for this? What happened? Man?

767
00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:13,040
Speaker 1: I see all that to say this. Number one, like

768
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,799
Speaker 1: my wife said, when you're going through stuff with your

769
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,239
Speaker 1: significant other, do not be so fast to spread that

770
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,719
Speaker 1: information to your friends and family because it's not so

771
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:25,640
Speaker 1: easy for them to forget. That's number one. Number two,

772
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 1: if you happen to be the friends and the family.

773
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 1: Your job is to be an advocate for your friend

774
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:37,360
Speaker 1: or family members happiness, not be the judge on their lifestyle.

775
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:40,120
Speaker 1: You you, no one has a right to sit up

776
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,760
Speaker 1: on a pulpit and say you shouldn't be living like that.

777
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,760
Speaker 1: That's why Cadine and I literally say we don't really

778
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,400
Speaker 1: like saying that we give relationship or advice or we

779
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:52,440
Speaker 1: we consider ourselves relationship goals because there's no one relationship

780
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,759
Speaker 1: that fits everybody. You have to look and find what

781
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:57,760
Speaker 1: works for you. And if you're able to give grace

782
00:37:57,800 --> 00:37:59,960
Speaker 1: and forgive and move on and build a happy life,

783
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:03,200
Speaker 1: who is someone else to tell you that they don't

784
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 1: They don't respect with your buildings, So don't bring that

785
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,280
Speaker 1: person around. That's why Corny Wi Corny. However, on the

786
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:11,400
Speaker 1: reverse side of things to nobody wants to see their

787
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,799
Speaker 1: friend be a doormat. Nobody wants to see their friend

788
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,839
Speaker 1: be taking advantage of Nobody wants to see somebody who

789
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,200
Speaker 1: they love and genuinely care about in a place of hurt.

790
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:22,080
Speaker 1: So I understand the shock that your friends might have

791
00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:26,080
Speaker 1: had in that moment and all that. However, at some point,

792
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:29,120
Speaker 1: let's give a little grace, realize that this is the situation.

793
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:32,640
Speaker 1: You decided to stick around friends, she decided to stick around.

794
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:36,040
Speaker 1: What can you be other than a listening here, a

795
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,239
Speaker 1: shoulder to cry on all that good stuff. Because let's

796
00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:41,360
Speaker 1: try to make question what do they think is going

797
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,000
Speaker 1: to happen about don't bring him around? So now either

798
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:45,920
Speaker 1: two things are gonna happen. Either she's gonna bring him

799
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,560
Speaker 1: around you're gonna have attitude, or she's gonna stop coming

800
00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 1: around and spend time with him. So you're willing to

801
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,240
Speaker 1: not be friends with someone because of what they choose

802
00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:58,360
Speaker 1: to do in their own relationship. That's crazy. It's crazy.

803
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:00,919
Speaker 1: On that note, I think you need another break, y'all,

804
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:03,719
Speaker 1: because you're about to about to take me out. I

805
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:06,560
Speaker 1: wish somebody would tell me not to come around because

806
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:08,799
Speaker 1: if Codein is around, all right, y'all, ain't gonna see

807
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:12,200
Speaker 1: me there. Yeah, that's what happens next, then the divide

808
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:15,920
Speaker 1: really happens. We'll be right back, y'all. Let's take a

809
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:19,320
Speaker 1: break because let me come back. I gotta gather myself

810
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:27,440
Speaker 1: after that. M hm, alright, we're back. I think we

811
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,799
Speaker 1: got about two more in the tank for y'all, Yeah,

812
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,000
Speaker 1: we got time for two more for sure, Hey, Code

813
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:35,239
Speaker 1: and Devo. My fiance and I are both in the

814
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 1: Navy and we have a five year old son together.

815
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 1: We've been together for eight years and during this time

816
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,440
Speaker 1: I've been deployed three times and he's currently on his

817
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 1: second deployment. For the first three years of our son's life,

818
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 1: we were stationed about four hours apart, so the work

819
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,960
Speaker 1: of parenting was on me. Our son is autistic and

820
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,040
Speaker 1: raising him has been a challenge, to say the least.

821
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:57,560
Speaker 1: Like I mentioned earlier, my fiance is deployed and I'm

822
00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,640
Speaker 1: currently resenting him because I hate the role of being

823
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:04,160
Speaker 1: a single parent of a special needs child. I'm depressed

824
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:07,440
Speaker 1: and suicidal. Wow, While he gets the freedom of not

825
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 1: having to deal with these struggles when I When I deployed,

826
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:14,680
Speaker 1: our son was not at school, so he went to

827
00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:17,239
Speaker 1: live with my sister, So my fiance has never had

828
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:20,960
Speaker 1: to experience the single parents struggles. Am I wrong for

829
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:23,640
Speaker 1: wishing that he knew what? He knew what this feels like.

830
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 1: He knows how challenging our son is, and I know

831
00:40:26,360 --> 00:40:28,959
Speaker 1: he's not gone by choice, but the resentment is still here,

832
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 1: and I feel like shit about it. I haven't. I

833
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,640
Speaker 1: have not expressed my feelings because I understand how stressful

834
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,920
Speaker 1: deployments are and I don't want him to feel bad

835
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:39,960
Speaker 1: about this because he's an amazing dad. Our wedding is

836
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,160
Speaker 1: next May back in my home island Antiga. Oh. I

837
00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 1: can't wait to get to Antiga. And I don't want

838
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:48,399
Speaker 1: to go into marriage with these feelings. Am I wrong

839
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:55,359
Speaker 1: for feeling like this? Please help sis. Yes, people are

840
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:59,120
Speaker 1: not in their children's life for shitty ass reasons, like

841
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:03,040
Speaker 1: they just don't want to be like they just want

842
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:05,480
Speaker 1: to be a dead beat, because they just don't want

843
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:09,080
Speaker 1: to have the responsibility. He's deployed, she said, he has

844
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 1: the freedom to be deployed. Like can you hear that?

845
00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: Like that's girl, girl, girl, girl, he has the freedom

846
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:25,560
Speaker 1: to be deployed. That's crazy. I can understand if you

847
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:28,799
Speaker 1: weren't in the military and you were married to someone

848
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,600
Speaker 1: in the military and you felt like, okay, man, this

849
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:33,279
Speaker 1: is like what it is, but you both understand what

850
00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:35,239
Speaker 1: it's like to be deployed. So when the tables turn

851
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:39,880
Speaker 1: and you are deployed and he is home, you're resentful

852
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,279
Speaker 1: at the fact that he's gotten help because he was

853
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:44,319
Speaker 1: with your sister. Is there a way for you to

854
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:47,120
Speaker 1: find help maybe to help alleviate some of that, But

855
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,040
Speaker 1: you can't be mad at him and blame him. It

856
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:53,080
Speaker 1: sounds like it sounds like she has resentment. Because it's

857
00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:56,719
Speaker 1: gonna sound crazy. Her son is autistic. He's a lot

858
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,040
Speaker 1: to deal with and she has to deal with it,

859
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,200
Speaker 1: and she's rejecting her anger on her husband who's not

860
00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:05,880
Speaker 1: there deployed. She's upset because her son is autistic and

861
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:08,279
Speaker 1: she has to deal with that. So who can she

862
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:12,160
Speaker 1: be upset at? Close to it? That's what it sounds

863
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,960
Speaker 1: like to me. Now I'm not a therapist, but it

864
00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:16,600
Speaker 1: sounds like there's some issues there that need to be

865
00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:22,719
Speaker 1: dealt with internally. But growing resentment towards your spouse while

866
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:29,279
Speaker 1: he's fighting for you guys and and his country is heartbreaking.

867
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:32,480
Speaker 1: By like she says she's depressing, I mean, maybe her

868
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,440
Speaker 1: depression comes from something else. I think she needs to

869
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 1: go get therapy to find out where her depression comes from.

870
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:40,200
Speaker 1: When you try to figure out on your own why

871
00:42:40,239 --> 00:42:42,040
Speaker 1: you depressed, you start to look at things in your

872
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,239
Speaker 1: life and then you try to say, well, that's that tip,

873
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:46,960
Speaker 1: it's my son and it's my husband that this is

874
00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:50,040
Speaker 1: where I'm depressed. Where it could be an imbalance somewhere,

875
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 1: you know, or it could be something that deep rooted

876
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:54,600
Speaker 1: happened in to you early on that you can't understand.

877
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:58,960
Speaker 1: And I have nothing but most respect for those who

878
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,759
Speaker 1: serve our country, So first and foremost is thank you

879
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:05,400
Speaker 1: for that, um. But I also wouldn't know the detriment

880
00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 1: of what you guys endure and how that affects you.

881
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,839
Speaker 1: And there may be something else underlying, like you said,

882
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:13,520
Speaker 1: and it's now manifesting itself in the form of being

883
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 1: frustrated with your son, UM, and being frustrated with your husband.

884
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,040
Speaker 1: So I think it's a little unfair for you to

885
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:24,319
Speaker 1: say that, you know, he's You're out here living this

886
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:28,719
Speaker 1: single parent life while he's just deployed. UM. I don't

887
00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:32,560
Speaker 1: think that's that's easy, that's that's unfair, and that's fair.

888
00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:34,160
Speaker 1: But the resentment does need to be dealt with, because,

889
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:35,520
Speaker 1: like you said, if you're going to be entering into

890
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:37,680
Speaker 1: a marriage, you definitely don't want to enter into it

891
00:43:37,719 --> 00:43:40,000
Speaker 1: with these feelings either, you know, And like I said,

892
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,359
Speaker 1: people are not in their children's life for far far

893
00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:47,359
Speaker 1: shittier excuses. You know, so um then actually fighting for

894
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,560
Speaker 1: his country Like that's yeah, that's crazy. And you know,

895
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:52,839
Speaker 1: it sounds to me like her depression is coming from

896
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:54,640
Speaker 1: something else. She needs to figure out what it is.

897
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:57,120
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure if she sat down and thought about it,

898
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,400
Speaker 1: she wouldn't be upset at her son and her husband.

899
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:02,000
Speaker 1: There's something else there that we don't know, you know,

900
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,200
Speaker 1: like this is not enough context for us to understand,

901
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,480
Speaker 1: but there is something deeper than that. She really needs

902
00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:09,280
Speaker 1: to deal with because I can't even imagine a soldier

903
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:12,239
Speaker 1: saying that someone else had the freedom to deploy. She

904
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:15,200
Speaker 1: knows what it's like to be deploying away from your family,

905
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: so she knows that that that's not freedom. So there

906
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:20,080
Speaker 1: must be something going on there and she's trying to

907
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:23,160
Speaker 1: express how to deal with it. Yeah, I mean, she

908
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,239
Speaker 1: needs to talk to someone. And as mom's, as dads,

909
00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 1: as parents, we have our moments of frustration, trust me,

910
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:29,560
Speaker 1: Like when the vos not here and he's on set

911
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,560
Speaker 1: filming and I'm here with the four boys. I do

912
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:33,279
Speaker 1: have my moments when I'm like, bro, you're on break

913
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:36,320
Speaker 1: right now because you're you're filming. You know, you're away

914
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:39,120
Speaker 1: living your dream and doing your job that you wanted

915
00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:41,000
Speaker 1: to do and this is the career you chose while

916
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:43,239
Speaker 1: I'm at home with the kids trying to juggle but

917
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:47,839
Speaker 1: at the same time too to understand you know what

918
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:49,160
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I mean, I don't know. It's just a

919
00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:51,239
Speaker 1: thing where it's always like a thing where whose life

920
00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:54,200
Speaker 1: sucks more in the moment. But that mom thing though,

921
00:44:54,239 --> 00:44:57,319
Speaker 1: because dad's don't say stuff like my wife gets she

922
00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:59,560
Speaker 1: has the freedom to go to work and I'm here,

923
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:03,080
Speaker 1: like why. I think it depends on the person, because

924
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:04,799
Speaker 1: it could be the same. The same can be said

925
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:07,200
Speaker 1: for a dad who's at home just overwhelmed with watching

926
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,120
Speaker 1: their kids and then the wife is on a business

927
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 1: trip or something. I don't think we talked about even

928
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:14,919
Speaker 1: Michelle Obama when she said, you know, being the wife

929
00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:16,680
Speaker 1: of the president, you know, you feel like you have

930
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,919
Speaker 1: you feel like you're a single mom, and it's like, well,

931
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:23,000
Speaker 1: he's out here running the entire country and you know

932
00:45:23,040 --> 00:45:24,520
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and you're you know what I'm saying,

933
00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:27,600
Speaker 1: It's like, wow, even in him sitting at the highest

934
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:30,960
Speaker 1: seat in the land, he gets a not knock from

935
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:34,239
Speaker 1: his wife for not being a present father. You know,

936
00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:35,720
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and that's not what she was saying.

937
00:45:35,760 --> 00:45:39,399
Speaker 1: But it's almost like, how, how is that like your

938
00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:42,640
Speaker 1: thought process? Because I don't wander. That's never my thought

939
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:46,520
Speaker 1: process when when you're away, I'm never thinking Okay, then

940
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:48,759
Speaker 1: gets a chance to go, We're on to events and

941
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:50,600
Speaker 1: hold stuff while I'm here with the boys, because it

942
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:53,520
Speaker 1: does flip. I don't understand how that becomes your thought

943
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:56,640
Speaker 1: process when I'm away, But that's never my thought process.

944
00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:58,359
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I'm just talking about when

945
00:45:58,400 --> 00:46:00,880
Speaker 1: things get stressful. Trust me, I'm not speaking from a

946
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:02,839
Speaker 1: place of damn. I hate when Devot is filming because

947
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:05,879
Speaker 1: I'm trying to explain what I said too. But at

948
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,319
Speaker 1: the same time too, it's like when you're in a

949
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:10,480
Speaker 1: moment of maybe frustration, or there's a bunch of things

950
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:12,920
Speaker 1: happening at one time in whatever environment you're in. So

951
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:14,759
Speaker 1: I could be at work and there's a bunch of

952
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:16,640
Speaker 1: things that are demanding and deadlines and everything, and by

953
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:19,719
Speaker 1: myself dealing with it, it's easy to just deflect or

954
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:21,520
Speaker 1: take it out on the person who is near to

955
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:23,239
Speaker 1: you or the person who's closest to you, and that's

956
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 1: your spouse, so regardless of what it is, whether it's

957
00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:27,680
Speaker 1: with the kids or whether it's work, I think that

958
00:46:27,800 --> 00:46:30,960
Speaker 1: sometimes when the pressure is mounting and it's about to

959
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: bubble over and you kind of feel like, oh my god,

960
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 1: the walls are closing in around me, you just naturally

961
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:37,439
Speaker 1: feel like the person a k a. Your spouse who's

962
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:40,399
Speaker 1: in another environment. It's just chilling. Right. So what I'm

963
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:42,759
Speaker 1: saying is I understand all that. What I'm saying is

964
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 1: is that where do you think that comes from? Because

965
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:47,560
Speaker 1: even you know, people make jokes about if you want

966
00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:50,280
Speaker 1: to see your wife get upset, just go take a nap,

967
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:53,680
Speaker 1: and it's like your wife can't see you enjoying yourself.

968
00:46:53,719 --> 00:46:55,920
Speaker 1: Because if your wife sees you enjoying yourself, she just

969
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:58,640
Speaker 1: instantly gets mad. Where do you think that that comes from?

970
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:00,279
Speaker 1: I don't know. You gotta speak to the people about that,

971
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,760
Speaker 1: because I actually enjoy you getting sleep. I enjoy getting

972
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:04,400
Speaker 1: you you're getting rist So I'm not sure where that

973
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:06,680
Speaker 1: comes from. Maybe I can You've never heard that. You've

974
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:08,680
Speaker 1: never heard that before. I've never heard the whole a

975
00:47:08,719 --> 00:47:11,320
Speaker 1: wife and the nap thing. No, I've never heard that before.

976
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:15,760
Speaker 1: That's not cat. I've never heard that state before. She's captain.

977
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:20,080
Speaker 1: Right now, she's you've never You've never heard, I've never heard.

978
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:23,080
Speaker 1: You never heard the saying of that a woman will

979
00:47:23,120 --> 00:47:25,040
Speaker 1: never be happy if they see you having a good time.

980
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:27,600
Speaker 1: You've never heard that. We watched Kevin Hart do the

981
00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:29,920
Speaker 1: whole thing about how when he goes away with his

982
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:32,600
Speaker 1: guys and his wife calls, he gotta ask that because

983
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:35,560
Speaker 1: he can't see she can't see. But you don't recall that. No,

984
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:37,920
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm being completely honest. I don't recall that.

985
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:40,040
Speaker 1: But let's go to the next. Let's go to the next.

986
00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:42,279
Speaker 1: Listening to all ryall, I guess I'm captain. I'll go

987
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,080
Speaker 1: to the next. We'll go to the next time. We'll

988
00:47:44,120 --> 00:47:49,439
Speaker 1: leave that alone. Cap um. Hey, guys, you your most

989
00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:52,719
Speaker 1: recent episodes about dad's parenting make me think about the

990
00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 1: trust issues I have with my mother in law and

991
00:47:54,719 --> 00:47:57,839
Speaker 1: sisters in law. Quick background, my husband and I are

992
00:47:57,920 --> 00:48:00,719
Speaker 1: an interracial couple. I'm white and he's black. He grew

993
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,480
Speaker 1: up completely different. I was sheltered and he was able

994
00:48:03,520 --> 00:48:05,839
Speaker 1: to do pretty much anything he wanted. We have three

995
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:09,399
Speaker 1: beautiful girls, and he actually parents more like I do.

996
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:12,080
Speaker 1: Where he we shelter our kids. His family is a

997
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:14,560
Speaker 1: little more rough around the edges. They talk to their

998
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:17,960
Speaker 1: kids crazy, allow their kids to listen to explicit music,

999
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:20,200
Speaker 1: watch all kinds of music videos, have the nine and

1000
00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,520
Speaker 1: ten year olds take the tilers down the street to

1001
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,480
Speaker 1: the gas stations, smoke around them, et cetera. We have

1002
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 1: never allowed them to watch our kids because we don't

1003
00:48:28,719 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 1: trust them. Never actually told them that, but we distance ourselves.

1004
00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:35,359
Speaker 1: We even moved forty minutes away so that we were

1005
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:37,720
Speaker 1: just too far from them to drive to the house. Well, yeah,

1006
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:40,759
Speaker 1: y'all not playing. My husband has tried to ask them

1007
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:42,880
Speaker 1: to filter these things around our kids, but they brush

1008
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:45,560
Speaker 1: them off and do what they want. Anyways, We see

1009
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,040
Speaker 1: them on holidays and birthdays for a few hours each time,

1010
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 1: which is good enough for us. We are doing Are

1011
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:52,560
Speaker 1: we doing harm to our kids by not allowing them

1012
00:48:52,600 --> 00:48:55,919
Speaker 1: to be around this family? Are we sheltering them too much?

1013
00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:58,920
Speaker 1: Or are we within reason? I guess they keep their

1014
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:01,600
Speaker 1: kids alive, but I'm so worried about our kids. It's

1015
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:06,680
Speaker 1: being exposed to too much, she said. I guess they

1016
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:10,600
Speaker 1: keep their kids alive. Child the shade, but I get it.

1017
00:49:11,080 --> 00:49:15,920
Speaker 1: Hey as a parent, nothing that anybody tells you is

1018
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:17,839
Speaker 1: too much or too little for what you want for

1019
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:19,800
Speaker 1: your children. Because what nobody could do is come in

1020
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,440
Speaker 1: here and tell me what to do with my children

1021
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:22,880
Speaker 1: and how to raise them or what they can and

1022
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:26,040
Speaker 1: cannot be exposed to. Period. The question is that your

1023
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:28,360
Speaker 1: husband have an issue with it, is what I'm wondering,

1024
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:32,120
Speaker 1: and he doesn't, okay, So I say that to say,

1025
00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:34,720
Speaker 1: let them do what they think is great for their children.

1026
00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:37,400
Speaker 1: Y'all move accordingly and do what's great for yours. If

1027
00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 1: you feel like holidays are the times and birthdays and

1028
00:49:39,680 --> 00:49:41,440
Speaker 1: events are the only time that you want to interact

1029
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:43,120
Speaker 1: with them, maybe until your children are a little bit

1030
00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:46,560
Speaker 1: older and they're more exposed to certain things. You've gotta

1031
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:48,840
Speaker 1: enough to deal with with kids in school, for example,

1032
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:51,160
Speaker 1: Like I'm worried about what my kids are going to

1033
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:54,360
Speaker 1: be exposed to being around twenty something other kids on

1034
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:57,040
Speaker 1: a day to day basis. There's but so much sheltering

1035
00:49:57,080 --> 00:49:58,920
Speaker 1: that you can do. Considering the world that we live

1036
00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:01,759
Speaker 1: in now. As a parent, you are well within your

1037
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:03,520
Speaker 1: right to decide what you want your kids to be

1038
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:07,200
Speaker 1: exposed to and what timeline you choose to raise exposure

1039
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:10,440
Speaker 1: or not. Absolutely, I agree with my wife. No one

1040
00:50:10,480 --> 00:50:13,880
Speaker 1: can tell you how to raise your kids, but there

1041
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:18,480
Speaker 1: are consequences for sheltering your children too much. For example,

1042
00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:23,040
Speaker 1: as well, Codeine was a R A R D a D.

1043
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:26,320
Speaker 1: And she used to say all the time, it's always

1044
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:29,480
Speaker 1: the sheltered kids that get to college, and those are

1045
00:50:29,480 --> 00:50:31,439
Speaker 1: the kids I end up in the hospital with because

1046
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:33,799
Speaker 1: of alcohol poisoning because they didn't know how to act,

1047
00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:37,560
Speaker 1: and the minute they got some freedom they went ham

1048
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:41,080
Speaker 1: And you've got three girls sisters, then be the ones.

1049
00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:44,359
Speaker 1: And I'm just gonna be honest, it's it is the

1050
00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:48,319
Speaker 1: sheltered kids that I've noticed through ten years of mentorship

1051
00:50:48,719 --> 00:50:51,600
Speaker 1: who struggle when it's time to make adjustments later on

1052
00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:54,160
Speaker 1: in life. So typically the fork in the road is

1053
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:58,640
Speaker 1: middle school. And I've noticed from just dealing with well,

1054
00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:00,120
Speaker 1: I've done with boys and girls, because we've had the

1055
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:04,239
Speaker 1: track the prototype track team, which was all girls. But

1056
00:51:04,400 --> 00:51:07,759
Speaker 1: I've noticed that once they hit middle school and they

1057
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:12,000
Speaker 1: start to get influences from outside people, the sheltered people

1058
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,360
Speaker 1: find a way to hide what they truly want to

1059
00:51:15,400 --> 00:51:19,000
Speaker 1: do from their parents, and the parents often feel like, oh, well,

1060
00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:22,040
Speaker 1: my son or my daughter is not exposed to that

1061
00:51:22,080 --> 00:51:24,440
Speaker 1: so I don't have to worry about those conversations, and

1062
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:27,359
Speaker 1: before you know what, those children are participating in things

1063
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:31,640
Speaker 1: that you would never believe. The parents have no idea

1064
00:51:31,719 --> 00:51:33,279
Speaker 1: that they're doing. And then by the time you get

1065
00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:39,719
Speaker 1: to high school, it's a rap. No seriously, that's no cap,

1066
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:42,920
Speaker 1: not no cap at all, not like the cap he

1067
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:47,440
Speaker 1: was doing on the last question. But I really believe

1068
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:49,719
Speaker 1: in it's not just a young girl thing. It's the

1069
00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:52,719
Speaker 1: same thing for guys. You know how many parents because

1070
00:51:52,719 --> 00:51:55,840
Speaker 1: I have to do I used to do report card checks,

1071
00:51:55,960 --> 00:51:59,800
Speaker 1: Facebook checks, Instagram checks. I used to go up to schools,

1072
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:03,680
Speaker 1: so the snapchat checks wild and going up to school

1073
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:06,800
Speaker 1: and meeting parents, meeting students and I mean meeting teachers

1074
00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:09,440
Speaker 1: and teachers saying, oh, so you're so and So's mentor,

1075
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:11,560
Speaker 1: and I'm just like yeah, and they're like, oh, well,

1076
00:52:12,120 --> 00:52:13,680
Speaker 1: let me tell you what's going on with so and so,

1077
00:52:14,440 --> 00:52:16,359
Speaker 1: And then I find out and then when you hear

1078
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:20,320
Speaker 1: the parents and my son would never and then I'm like, well,

1079
00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:24,360
Speaker 1: according to his snapchat that you don't check, this is

1080
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:26,840
Speaker 1: him literally doing all the things that you said he

1081
00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:29,120
Speaker 1: doesn't do. And you're like, I didn't even know you

1082
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:33,960
Speaker 1: had a snapchat. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What's an Also a

1083
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:36,600
Speaker 1: detriment I noticed with children who are sheltered too much

1084
00:52:37,160 --> 00:52:41,840
Speaker 1: is that they have hard times making decisions. They have

1085
00:52:41,920 --> 00:52:45,200
Speaker 1: a hard time making for themselves, and they're expecting mom

1086
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:49,279
Speaker 1: and dad to always be one to be there to

1087
00:52:49,719 --> 00:52:52,200
Speaker 1: tell them what to do in all circumstances, or mom

1088
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:53,520
Speaker 1: and dad are going to have to come and talk

1089
00:52:53,560 --> 00:52:55,959
Speaker 1: to this professor because I don't know what to say

1090
00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:59,560
Speaker 1: in this moment, and then they leave their children unable

1091
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:06,160
Speaker 1: to freethink, to problem solve, to decipher, you know, what

1092
00:53:06,200 --> 00:53:09,960
Speaker 1: they should do in a particular scenario. That is a

1093
00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:13,600
Speaker 1: detriment in being too sheltered as well. I'm gonna leave

1094
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,200
Speaker 1: that at that, because I feel like we can do

1095
00:53:16,239 --> 00:53:20,520
Speaker 1: a whole podcast and we should on when too much exposure,

1096
00:53:20,560 --> 00:53:23,880
Speaker 1: When exposure is too much exposure, because there's also the

1097
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:26,000
Speaker 1: converse that if you do expose kids too much and

1098
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:28,600
Speaker 1: they become too mature, they tried things too early. The

1099
00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:30,040
Speaker 1: truth of the matter is you have to have a

1100
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,080
Speaker 1: maturity and how you expose things to your children, and

1101
00:53:32,120 --> 00:53:34,279
Speaker 1: we should talk about that more in depth, But for

1102
00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:38,840
Speaker 1: the sake of this listener letter, MS, you have young children.

1103
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:41,120
Speaker 1: There is no one else in the world that can

1104
00:53:41,120 --> 00:53:43,280
Speaker 1: tell you how to parent your children because you spend

1105
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:45,600
Speaker 1: the most time with them. Just make sure that you

1106
00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:49,360
Speaker 1: are doing yourself a service and your chosen a service

1107
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:54,839
Speaker 1: by educating yourself on one of the best practices to help. Uh.

1108
00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 1: I don't want to say matriculate them into society, but

1109
00:53:58,400 --> 00:54:02,759
Speaker 1: have them assimilate into society without being overwhelmed when they

1110
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:04,759
Speaker 1: can do it without you with the over simulation. You

1111
00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:06,840
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So make sure that you find

1112
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:09,960
Speaker 1: ways to introduce them to things that you think may

1113
00:54:10,000 --> 00:54:13,520
Speaker 1: be hard for harmful to them and an age appropriateness

1114
00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:15,799
Speaker 1: of course, yeah, because what we don't want is for

1115
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:19,600
Speaker 1: that shelter to implode. But but if and if her

1116
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:23,080
Speaker 1: husband don't want his kids around his family, that's a

1117
00:54:23,120 --> 00:54:25,600
Speaker 1: decision he makes. There may be something he knows, knows.

1118
00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:28,000
Speaker 1: He probably like, this is what we're gonna do. We're

1119
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:29,920
Speaker 1: gonna move forward to minutes away because my parents and

1120
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:32,080
Speaker 1: my family ain't ships. Right. If he's in agreement with

1121
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:33,839
Speaker 1: all of that, and that's the decision y'all made, don't

1122
00:54:33,840 --> 00:54:35,759
Speaker 1: feel bad about it. It would be different though, if

1123
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:38,359
Speaker 1: he was just like my wife maybe move out here,

1124
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:40,440
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to get the kids to y'all. That's

1125
00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:42,200
Speaker 1: a whole difference. All right, that's a whole another topic

1126
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:45,760
Speaker 1: for another day. All right, y'all, these are great. Please

1127
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:47,480
Speaker 1: continue to keep writing in. And I know that we

1128
00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:49,440
Speaker 1: probably can't get to every single listener letter, but I

1129
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:52,800
Speaker 1: do enjoy having this letter episodes because sometimes two is

1130
00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:54,319
Speaker 1: just not enough at the end of a podcast when

1131
00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:57,800
Speaker 1: we're speaking about some whole another topics. So keep them coming.

1132
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:00,399
Speaker 1: We enjoy seeing them. I know Triple LOVESI thing through

1133
00:55:00,440 --> 00:55:02,239
Speaker 1: them to pull some topics for us to talk about.

1134
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:04,959
Speaker 1: And if you want to be featured as a listener letter,

1135
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:08,440
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at dead as Advice at

1136
00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:11,200
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S

1137
00:55:11,200 --> 00:55:15,319
Speaker 1: S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1138
00:55:15,360 --> 00:55:17,279
Speaker 1: All right, Moment of truth time. Do we have any

1139
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:19,640
Speaker 1: moment of truths based off of I guess it could

1140
00:55:19,640 --> 00:55:21,960
Speaker 1: be any of the listening letters that we've had, or

1141
00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:25,600
Speaker 1: any thing in general. My moment of truth is about

1142
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:29,440
Speaker 1: seeking advice, right, if you're really looking to seek advice

1143
00:55:29,520 --> 00:55:32,120
Speaker 1: about how to be the best partner to your partner,

1144
00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:36,320
Speaker 1: seek within. You know, we appreciate you asking us for advice,

1145
00:55:36,360 --> 00:55:39,279
Speaker 1: take our perspective with a grain of salt, because we

1146
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:42,400
Speaker 1: are never to be all the ends all um, these

1147
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:45,080
Speaker 1: these situations, the same exact letter with a little different

1148
00:55:45,080 --> 00:55:48,080
Speaker 1: twist might have a different outcome from us. So don't

1149
00:55:48,080 --> 00:55:49,840
Speaker 1: take it as you have to listen to everything we

1150
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:51,759
Speaker 1: say and do it this way in order to be successful. No,

1151
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:54,799
Speaker 1: seek seek your truths for what you want out of

1152
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:58,279
Speaker 1: your relationships within never without. Yeah, And also just be

1153
00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:00,239
Speaker 1: careful and be mindful of who you're speaking to and

1154
00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:02,840
Speaker 1: who you're venting to, and who you're getting advice from, because,

1155
00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:05,320
Speaker 1: for example, DEVO and I are only given these perspectives

1156
00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:06,960
Speaker 1: based off of what you tell us and based off

1157
00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:09,440
Speaker 1: of our life experiences and the things that we've been

1158
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:12,320
Speaker 1: exposed to as well throughout our entire lives. So again,

1159
00:56:12,400 --> 00:56:13,960
Speaker 1: take it with the grain of salt, and just be

1160
00:56:14,080 --> 00:56:16,839
Speaker 1: mindful of who you're divulging to, who you're seeking advice from,

1161
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:19,960
Speaker 1: because sometimes it just may not be in your best interest.

1162
00:56:20,160 --> 00:56:23,600
Speaker 1: Facts all right, be sure to follow us on social

1163
00:56:23,600 --> 00:56:26,040
Speaker 1: media all if you have not been doing so already

1164
00:56:26,239 --> 00:56:28,320
Speaker 1: dead as the podcast on Instagram, which I love, the

1165
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:30,640
Speaker 1: pages continuing to grow and we're trying to pass on

1166
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:32,719
Speaker 1: there and keep that going for you guys, So thank

1167
00:56:32,719 --> 00:56:35,200
Speaker 1: you for engaging there, and then you can find me

1168
00:56:35,280 --> 00:56:37,520
Speaker 1: on Cadine I Am and I Am Devout and if

1169
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:40,960
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review

1170
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:46,560
Speaker 1: and subscribe. Dead As Dead Ass is a production of

1171
00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:49,880
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia

1172
00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:53,319
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead

1173
00:56:53,320 --> 00:57:01,320
Speaker 1: as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing, I Sailest

1174
00:57:01,480 --> 00:57:04,839
Speaker 1: me I