Speaker 1: You just get blindsided, broke up with out of the blue,
Speaker 1: and he's like, did you do this? You do that?
Speaker 1: And you're like, why didn't you tell me when those
Speaker 1: things were happening? Because feedback is important. Hey everyone, welcome
Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in
Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you
Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
Speaker 1: And I am so excited to be talking to you today.
Speaker 1: I can't believe it. My new book Eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love is out and I cannot wait to share it
Speaker 1: with you. I am so so excited for you to
Speaker 1: read this book, for you to listen to this book.
Speaker 1: I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already,
Speaker 1: make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com.
Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or
Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that
Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure
Speaker 1: you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you
Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules.
Speaker 1: Go to Jay shelldytour dot com to learn more information
Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to
Speaker 1: see you this year and so I've been loving learning
Speaker 1: from anyone who has insights, tips, tricks about dating, about love,
Speaker 1: about relationships, and today's guests are going to give us
Speaker 1: a lot of that. I'm talking about the incredible podcasters
Speaker 1: behind Girls Gotta Eat, a top comedy podcast about dating, intimacy,
Speaker 1: and relationships hosted by Ashley Hesseltine and Raina Greenberg. Rainer
Speaker 1: and Ashley candidly discuss any and all dating related topics,
Speaker 1: ranging from fetishes to finances, and bring in regular guests
Speaker 1: including therapists, comedians, doctors, and authors. Most recently Raina and Ashley,
Speaker 1: I've launched a new company and I'm so excited to
Speaker 1: interview them right now. The company's called Vibes Only, and
Speaker 1: they're in the studio right now. Ashley and Raina, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for being here. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: So it's such a love intro. You so much, lovely interview,
Speaker 1: so great interview in which she really gets off on
Speaker 1: love that. Wait yeah, wait till we flip in and
Speaker 1: we get to hyper love language. So thank you for
Speaker 1: having us. No, I'm so excited. As I said, my
Speaker 1: whole team are huge fans. Anyone that I told I
Speaker 1: was going to see you today. They were like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, wait, please say hello. So there was so
Speaker 1: much energy for us to be together. And I've definitely
Speaker 1: felt like I've been trying to do more and more
Speaker 1: of this where and I think we'll see this when
Speaker 1: we post about it and talk about it. I've been
Speaker 1: trying to sit down with people that people don't expect
Speaker 1: me to sit down with and that people don't expect
Speaker 1: to sit down with me, and I think that's what
Speaker 1: creates this, like really beautiful synergy in getting to know people.
Speaker 1: So I want to get to know you both today.
Speaker 1: I also want all your advice because my audience is
Speaker 1: constantly looking for advice and tips and tricks. But I
Speaker 1: want to start off with just by saying, how's your
Speaker 1: day been so far? What have you been up to today?
Speaker 1: Anything fun? Driving through the hills, about taking a tour.
Speaker 1: But we just moved here, I mean I say moved loosely,
Speaker 1: but we're going to be here for a few months,
Speaker 1: maybe permanently. So wow, congrats paying a new part of
Speaker 1: LA and meeting you, and we were we actually have
Speaker 1: had a pretty exciting day work wise. We booked some
Speaker 1: really fun stuff interviews, we have to go back to
Speaker 1: New York for some things, and it's been a good day. Yeah.
Speaker 1: We're planning our next leg of our tour London, where
Speaker 1: you're from, so we're excited to go there. We'll out
Speaker 1: that soon. Um. Yes, So we did a lot of
Speaker 1: really fun stuff because we're releasing really fun things for
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day far our Intimacy company. Yes, yeah, it's been
Speaker 1: a great day. That's feeling good. Where are you staying
Speaker 1: right now? You said you're in a good area. Was
Speaker 1: the specifically where you're saying? I'm in West Hollywood? Okay?
Speaker 1: And Reynos she can speak for self, but she's in Veness. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I love Venis. Yeah. The first time I and my
Speaker 1: wife came here for work, we stayed in Burbank, and
Speaker 1: my wife was just like, oh my gosh, there's nothing
Speaker 1: to do in LA because we thought Burbank. And then
Speaker 1: the second time we came, we stayed in West Hollywood
Speaker 1: and oh, this is cool. I can go to the gym,
Speaker 1: I can get creation. Yeah, and then by the third
Speaker 1: time she was like, Okay, yeah, we can move that.
Speaker 1: So it took take a process. It's a hard city
Speaker 1: to know. And I came here so many times, and
Speaker 1: it's just I feel like most cities we go to,
Speaker 1: like Charleston or Austin or Chicago, I can know it
Speaker 1: in two days. I'm like, I get it. But La
Speaker 1: is so big and so vast or so many areas
Speaker 1: it takes a minute. But we're really loving it. We've
Speaker 1: been here for two weeks. It's just been really amazing
Speaker 1: to it. I went to the beach for a sunset
Speaker 1: last night. Yeah, and it's just been really nice. I
Speaker 1: love that. I want to start dating here. So we're
Speaker 1: excited about each other other people. Okay, okay, got it
Speaker 1: all right, let's let's let's dive into day let's go
Speaker 1: come out. Yeah. Yeah, when we said we're moving to La,
Speaker 1: everybody's like together, we're like adults. No, but yeah, let's
Speaker 1: let's talk about that. When when it comes to daying,
Speaker 1: I want to hear, what's been the best day you've
Speaker 1: ever been on? Oh? My god, the best? So for me,
Speaker 1: like what defines a good day. It's not like the
Speaker 1: activity necessarily, She's how hard I'm laughing with somebody, and
Speaker 1: then I want to go to like the next place,
Speaker 1: in the next place, the next place, and just like drink,
Speaker 1: dinner or whatever. Um. I had a really crazy date
Speaker 1: that was on my first date in New York City
Speaker 1: ever fifteen years ago. This guy like picked me up
Speaker 1: in a car, which is crazy. You don't do that
Speaker 1: New York. And he took the red flag yeah, and
Speaker 1: he took me to Boodha Bar and we just had
Speaker 1: this like crazy over the tip of New Year. I
Speaker 1: was like, I can't believe I'm doing it. I'm in
Speaker 1: New York. This is a new experience, a new place.
Speaker 1: Is hot. Guy, it's so cool. We just laughed on
Speaker 1: it and we drank. We drank a lot, and then
Speaker 1: we took a car. We left his car. We took
Speaker 1: a car to the airports. We decided we're going to
Speaker 1: fly to the Caribbean on the on the first date.
Speaker 1: And we went to the airport. Were you on once sober?
Speaker 1: We went to We drove out to New York and
Speaker 1: we got to me over York. It was one o'clock
Speaker 1: in the morning and they were like, no flights fly
Speaker 1: out right now, and we were to go back home.
Speaker 1: If you find yourself in an airport in New Jersey
Speaker 1: on a first date, something has gone all right, you know.
Speaker 1: Mean though I like a birth was a little crazy.
Speaker 1: So I was like, this is the coolest person I
Speaker 1: ever met. Also, I was twenty one, but I just
Speaker 1: like somebody who like surprises me. It's fun, good conversation.
Speaker 1: That was like a fun date for me. What's your
Speaker 1: best date? I mean I had these dates when I
Speaker 1: first moved to New York that were just epic, where you're,
Speaker 1: you know, in a basement dancing and then you go
Speaker 1: have like saki and sushi somewhere and you end up
Speaker 1: with late night tacos, you start on a rooftop, like
Speaker 1: all these epic dates. Like I really loved dating there
Speaker 1: and going out with guys that were like showing me
Speaker 1: the city. I mean, I've been in New York a
Speaker 1: million times, but I always say it's a really great
Speaker 1: way to get to know a city is to have
Speaker 1: people take you out. So guys would take me all
Speaker 1: these places and I would take dates there later and
Speaker 1: just act like I was a school girl who knew
Speaker 1: my way around the city so well. But I mean,
Speaker 1: it's just it feels like it's so obvious, Like the
Speaker 1: best date I've ever been almost probably with like the
Speaker 1: person I fell the most in love with, Like the
Speaker 1: first date that was like so casual. It was a
Speaker 1: day date where it was probably gonna roast me for this,
Speaker 1: but he loves a date, you know. I like showed up.
Speaker 1: Though I showed up, he was already eating because he
Speaker 1: was nervous. I was like, this is off to a
Speaker 1: terrible start, you know, and it was like should have
Speaker 1: been so bad. But you're sitting there with someone where
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, this is the real deal. So it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's quarry as it sounds. That's probably the best date
Speaker 1: where you leave it and you're like, okay, this is
Speaker 1: a probably yeah, all right, what's the worst date you've
Speaker 1: ever been? Because I know you're gonna have what's that? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I try to not look at any like so many
Speaker 1: of our listeners are like I don't want to go
Speaker 1: on Baddy. So it's like at least you walk away
Speaker 1: with a story. So that's like the positive is that
Speaker 1: even if you're a day as long as you feel safe,
Speaker 1: if somebody's I bring a little bit like crazy and
Speaker 1: an idiot, I'll stay. Oh I'll see this through. Um.
Speaker 1: The worst date I think I've been on was right
Speaker 1: when we started the podcast. I had met this guy
Speaker 1: at a bar a few nights ago, and he had
Speaker 1: asked me out, so he'd met him before. This is
Speaker 1: not like an online date m. We picked this dive
Speaker 1: bar to go too because they were supposed to the
Speaker 1: best burgers. He said he'd never had them. I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: we gotta go. There'd be such a fun date. He
Speaker 1: didn't confirm the date the day of, and I was like,
Speaker 1: this is already like kind of rude. I showed up.
Speaker 1: He was already there and he'd gotten himself a drink
Speaker 1: and it was pouring down rain. So I walk in.
Speaker 1: He'd gotten himself a drink, and I walk up to
Speaker 1: the bar and I order a drink and all cash,
Speaker 1: and so I looked at him. This is a die bar.
Speaker 1: The drinks for six dollars. And I looked at him
Speaker 1: because I thought maybe he would like buy me the drink.
Speaker 1: And he was like, there's an ATM like down the
Speaker 1: street in the poor rain. I get my own money.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I guess I'll just saddle up
Speaker 1: and stay. And you did there and came back. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I went, I got I got the cash. When we
Speaker 1: started the podcast we had we talked about this on
Speaker 1: the podcast we didn't also how to lose because the
Speaker 1: beauty of what we do. You just stay for the story. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the story. Like I'm like I'll actually pick the tap.
Speaker 1: But that's since the podcast started, not before the budget.
Speaker 1: But I've always done comedy, so I'm like it's always good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like the best dates are the worst dates are the
Speaker 1: best dates for the content. Yeah anyway, sorry, Yeah, he
Speaker 1: just he interrupted me constantly and asked me any questions
Speaker 1: about myself any time I would talk for any long
Speaker 1: sixty seconds on myself. He looked so bored. He couldn't
Speaker 1: he just couldn't be bothered. He was just rude. He
Speaker 1: wasn't engaged at all. And then somebody came up and
Speaker 1: like recognized me a place to be a food blogger,
Speaker 1: and this guy was like, oh my god, I follow you.
Speaker 1: And that guy walked away, and I was like, that's
Speaker 1: so cool. Nobody even recognized me back, and that was
Speaker 1: so cool to me. And he just jumped right back
Speaker 1: into his story like no acknowledgement of Like, that's so
Speaker 1: neat that you're you know, people are a fan of
Speaker 1: your work. He just was like rude to start to finish,
Speaker 1: and then he insisted that I split every single round
Speaker 1: at the bar with him. And actually, and I have
Speaker 1: mixed feelings about paying on dates when I don't want
Speaker 1: you to make it weird. I don't think that anybody
Speaker 1: owes me money, but I don't want you to be
Speaker 1: so rude to me, especially again thanks or six dollars. So, yes,
Speaker 1: he was rude. He didn't ask questions. I just didn't
Speaker 1: feel about That's probably the worst date I've ever been on.
Speaker 1: What we never talked again? Musa. They're actually back together. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he moved here with us. Am I is it probably
Speaker 1: like the voice, the catfish voice. I don't know. That's
Speaker 1: pretty okay, I need to know this. Yeah, so this,
Speaker 1: I guess it just started this rule of me not
Speaker 1: going on a date. It actually kind of stopped me
Speaker 1: getting on the apps. Probably this might have been one
Speaker 1: of the very last app dates I did. I actually
Speaker 1: came back to New York from you know, quarantine COVID times.
Speaker 1: I was at my parents' house and when things felt
Speaker 1: safe enough and people were going having like patio dates,
Speaker 1: I was like on the streets like I was in
Speaker 1: like FEMA tents on the street having dates like I
Speaker 1: was like, what is what are we doing out here,
Speaker 1: you know, that's like all you could do. But I
Speaker 1: think people really wanted that connection. They've been inside for
Speaker 1: so long, so they were doing whatever it took. I
Speaker 1: felt like it was a fun time to date. It
Speaker 1: was like the people that were in New York were
Speaker 1: ready to be out there. A lot of people have
Speaker 1: like broken up in the pandemic and so that you know,
Speaker 1: late summer into the fall, and then it kind of
Speaker 1: shut down again. In the Winner of twenty twenty was
Speaker 1: like a dating time, but we were all just out
Speaker 1: on the literal streets, and so there were a few
Speaker 1: times where I was like, I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1: I'm just like drinking saki out of a plastic cup.
Speaker 1: It's thirty to creeze out, Like what is my life?
Speaker 1: I have a space heater by my feet, like I
Speaker 1: can't in a tent, you know, like in these little
Speaker 1: like structures that they built. But this one really set
Speaker 1: the tone for I'm not going out with strangers anymore
Speaker 1: that I haven't heard their voice, I haven't seen them
Speaker 1: walk and talk. And this guy, we had such a
Speaker 1: good banter. Remember we were bantering all throughout the election
Speaker 1: that the election that lasted a week long before we
Speaker 1: got the results. So we were texting all week and
Speaker 1: his banter was on point. He looked really cute as pictures.
Speaker 1: He was tall and had a job, and we I
Speaker 1: was like, what's the catch here, Because if you're a
Speaker 1: woman who dates New York City for quite some time,
Speaker 1: you know that there's gonna be a catch there just
Speaker 1: is you know, like, what's gonna be wrong with this guy?
Speaker 1: And he walked up. We met on the street to
Speaker 1: walk to this bar. He looked just like his photos,
Speaker 1: and like, what's it gonna be? When he spoke, it
Speaker 1: was the voice of Michael Jackson. It was the most song.
Speaker 1: It was Michael Jackson. I mean it was most feminine,
Speaker 1: teeny tiny boys on a six six man. And I
Speaker 1: was like, fadith And so we go. We sit at
Speaker 1: this place. I've never felt too much like I was
Speaker 1: pulling teeth. Remember one point we were talking about candles.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm on a date talking about my
Speaker 1: favorite candle. Something that's gone wrong here. He was telling
Speaker 1: me how he broke up with this girl. They had
Speaker 1: a pumpkin carving contest. I was like, this is insane.
Speaker 1: I actually went to the bathroom in the Standard in
Speaker 1: the East Village and took like a sexy selfie in
Speaker 1: the mirror for myself. Like that's with the point that
Speaker 1: I was at that I needed to feel myself because
Speaker 1: I was on this terrible date and we had one
Speaker 1: drink and I insisted on splitting the bill just to
Speaker 1: let him know that he was in the friend zone.
Speaker 1: And we never that was it was just his voice,
Speaker 1: his whole energy, all right. And really, you know, I
Speaker 1: don't know that I could have got past that voice,
Speaker 1: but I can get past a not great voice. But
Speaker 1: the energy was completely off, like I was. It was
Speaker 1: not it was not it. And that's kind of you know,
Speaker 1: we can talk today about whatever you want, but like
Speaker 1: when people always ask us about app dating versus meeting
Speaker 1: people in the wild, and that's one of the reasons
Speaker 1: it doesn't work, because you don't have a vibe for
Speaker 1: a person. You haven't seen how they interact in the world,
Speaker 1: how they walk, how they talk, if you're attracted to
Speaker 1: the way they smell or their posture. You know, little
Speaker 1: things like that you don't know through photos on an app.
Speaker 1: So that was a prime example. Yeah, we really support
Speaker 1: online dating, and not everybody has the option of the audio,
Speaker 1: and Ashley's in comedy club, she's comedian. Not everybody has
Speaker 1: the option to do that. But we really encourage people
Speaker 1: to push themselves to be out into the world as
Speaker 1: much as they can and make eye contact with somebody
Speaker 1: at a bar that you think is cute, ask questions,
Speaker 1: say yes to everything. If if you're the kind of
Speaker 1: person it's like I'm single, I don't want to be,
Speaker 1: then put yourself in situations to meet people. And I've
Speaker 1: had really good luck just meeting people in the wild.
Speaker 1: Everybody I've ever dated it has been somebody I've met
Speaker 1: in the wild. I've gone on like two eating dating
Speaker 1: app dates in my life. It's just not for me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I get fatigued shopping for people. People like how's your day,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, I don't care about this. So
Speaker 1: I just encourage people to like just get out more,
Speaker 1: even if that means like typically you work inside your
Speaker 1: home all day long, go work at a coffee shop.
Speaker 1: I worked at Intelligency at coffee on Sunday morning, and
Speaker 1: I like met so many people, And it's just it's
Speaker 1: not easy for everybody and need to put yourself out there.
Speaker 1: But if if your pain point is I'm single and
Speaker 1: I don't want to be, then you have to put
Speaker 1: yourself in situations to not be. Yeah, yeah, absolutely I haven't.
Speaker 1: So I haven't dated for and I don't need to.
Speaker 1: Obviously I married, just I haven't break right now. You're like,
Speaker 1: I'm taking a break right now. No, that's this clarifying.
Speaker 1: I amn't dated for fourteen years. Wow, because I was
Speaker 1: a monk for three years and then got married to
Speaker 1: my wife. Well, no, so I started dating my wife
Speaker 1: ten years ago. I did. I did it ten years ago,
Speaker 1: ten years ago. But absolute a thing when I started dating.
Speaker 1: So we met. We met through my sister who happened
Speaker 1: to be our wing person. She's like really close friends
Speaker 1: with my wife now. She was friends with her before
Speaker 1: and she's one of my best friends too. So she
Speaker 1: did the work. But I always wonder, like the closest
Speaker 1: expence I've had to it is trying to recruit during
Speaker 1: the pandemic. So when I was hiring people and doing
Speaker 1: interviews over zoom or interviews over the phone, I was
Speaker 1: just like, Wow, I'm getting no energy from this person,
Speaker 1: Like I'm not understanding. It's impossible to tell someone could
Speaker 1: have the best energy, but through zoom you could never tell.
Speaker 1: And so that's the closest I can relate to that.
Speaker 1: But I'm intrigued by what you're saying, because you're saying
Speaker 1: go to places, how everyone has that one friend who's
Speaker 1: always trying to set them up. Do you have that
Speaker 1: one friend both of you. I feel like all of
Speaker 1: our friends the guy they would date that person, but
Speaker 1: we do ask her friends. We talked about a lot
Speaker 1: of the podcast, like telling your friends I would like
Speaker 1: to be set up and like letting them know I'd
Speaker 1: like you to think of me for this, because not
Speaker 1: everybody thinks that you want that, and some people think
Speaker 1: it might be insulting to suggest that. Well, we did
Speaker 1: a whole episode on it because it's such an art
Speaker 1: form to setting people up. And what we hate the
Speaker 1: most is like, you're single, they're single. You guys should
Speaker 1: be together. It's an insult. It's like, what does that
Speaker 1: even mean? Like just two people existing in the world,
Speaker 1: they're going to match. So I think that it's nice
Speaker 1: when you have friends that actually think about who you
Speaker 1: are as a person who they have that might be
Speaker 1: a fit. But I don't know. You know, it's funny
Speaker 1: because I love that your sister set you and your
Speaker 1: wife up. My brother did kind of set me up
Speaker 1: with somebody and we went on a few dates and
Speaker 1: it was great while it was, and we're still fine,
Speaker 1: but it was Had it worked out, I would have
Speaker 1: loved that story that someone that's so close to me
Speaker 1: set me up with his essentially his best friend's brother
Speaker 1: in law. You know, it was that kind of thing.
Speaker 1: He knew where I was from, we knew the same people.
Speaker 1: So when people like that are really close to you
Speaker 1: and really get you, those I think those are the
Speaker 1: best type of people to set you up. But like
Speaker 1: Raina said, I mean there's also people that have no
Speaker 1: idea that you're looking or you'd be into it. So
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with telling everybody you
Speaker 1: know that I'm wanting to be set up. If you
Speaker 1: know anybody, why not make you know? Shoot your shot?
Speaker 1: Should we throw it out right now on the show? Yeah,
Speaker 1: anyone's watching, what should tell them? I'm trying to date
Speaker 1: Dave Bautista. Okay, Okay, Dave, if you listen to the show.
Speaker 1: If I don't know, he might who knows? If anyone
Speaker 1: knows Dave? Okay, can I go, Yeah, what do you want?
Speaker 1: So this is one want you to do? What do
Speaker 1: you want? He's who is it? What do you want?
Speaker 1: What are you looking for? And then what are you
Speaker 1: bringing to the game? And I'm gonna manifest Dave Bautista,
Speaker 1: I like a big guy that's bald with a bear
Speaker 1: of the origin story basically, Raina started hooking up with
Speaker 1: the security cards at our shows and that became her
Speaker 1: tight Why don't you hear any card? Okay, he's really
Speaker 1: bad your own shows. Yeah, I mean if they can
Speaker 1: protect the stage, you know, I'm going to pay them back.
Speaker 1: And so I like guys tattoo sleeves. Um, somebody can
Speaker 1: make me laugh. We always talk about like ranking what
Speaker 1: you want in a person. Um looks or right? Never
Speaker 1: want No, I'm just kidding somebody I was nodding along
Speaker 1: ye bald okay, Um, I think my number one is
Speaker 1: somebody that I'm just inspired by the way you live
Speaker 1: your life. So whatever that is, I want to be
Speaker 1: excited to hear about your day. I want to be like,
Speaker 1: that is dope what you have going on? So whatever
Speaker 1: that is, Um, that's my number one thing I think,
Speaker 1: And I want to like laugh, I want to be.
Speaker 1: I want to be inspired by the people you surround
Speaker 1: yourself with what you do all day long. So that
Speaker 1: but if you're bald with the beard and tattoo sleeves
Speaker 1: also yeah yeah, um that's what Miles teller. If you're listening. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: We've got a few fans in the office. I'm a
Speaker 1: Philly guy. Um yeah, go birds. I mean I want
Speaker 1: somebody that the same things I always say. I want
Speaker 1: to look up to someone in some way. Again, like
Speaker 1: I don't need to be inspired every day, but I
Speaker 1: want to be able to learn something from you and
Speaker 1: be challenged and entertained because I really have such a
Speaker 1: full life, So I need someone doing hands of life
Speaker 1: that's already very fulfilling and someone that lets me be me.
Speaker 1: You know, we do this. I do stand up comedy.
Speaker 1: We're really successful. It can be intimidating, I guess, but
Speaker 1: I just don't ever want to feel like I need
Speaker 1: to minimize myself or be a less aversion of myself
Speaker 1: or toned down my personality or not share my successes
Speaker 1: with somebody. So that's kind of what I'm looking for. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Myles is like like we're a top gun or whatever.
Speaker 1: I don't know you're trying to date Tom. I actually
Speaker 1: said this thing really early on in the podcast. I
Speaker 1: think you said it, I didn't say it that you know,
Speaker 1: you want to find somebody that feels like home, and
Speaker 1: that's like, really what I want is somebody that's just like,
Speaker 1: I'm so comfortable with you, you just being with you.
Speaker 1: I can just exactly be myself and like you said,
Speaker 1: I don't have to like shrink myself make myself smaller.
Speaker 1: I'm humble, but I want to be able to hype
Speaker 1: myself and how hard I work. I don't come from anything.
Speaker 1: I don't come from money, so everything that actually and
Speaker 1: I have we've built ourselves. So I want to be
Speaker 1: able to hype myself. And I want to come home
Speaker 1: and feel like comfort that you're there. I want you
Speaker 1: to be my first call. I wonder that can like
Speaker 1: lean on you. I have a large list, but you
Speaker 1: know what I think, I don't should I get my
Speaker 1: list down. I have it on my phone. Also, like
Speaker 1: a want of a motorcycle, tattoos, all the things. Those
Speaker 1: are surface levels. Yeah, but I also expect that I
Speaker 1: will bring a lot to the table. I think that
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes you hear people being like I want
Speaker 1: this and this and this, and it's like, okay, but
Speaker 1: do you bring a lot to the table? Also, that's
Speaker 1: what I was a question. Yeah, um, and so I
Speaker 1: think I think I do, and I think that I'm
Speaker 1: like a really caring, loving person. I'm fun. Actually I
Speaker 1: have so many friends, like, oh my god, use so
Speaker 1: many friends, and uh yeah, I think your life would
Speaker 1: become do you bring to the table. I don't want
Speaker 1: to bring to the table, but hoviously no, I mean
Speaker 1: I think, you know, I want somebody. I don't want children,
Speaker 1: and I marriage. I could take it or leave it,
Speaker 1: especially because I don't want children. I think that's is
Speaker 1: a big you know, not everybody's reason, but a reason
Speaker 1: why I think people should get married if they want to,
Speaker 1: you know. So I want someone that just wants to
Speaker 1: live a fun life that's not too dependent on me.
Speaker 1: We can and support each other. There's no like codependency
Speaker 1: or fix or upper type of situation. Like. I want
Speaker 1: someone that's kind of already fully formed, that's living their
Speaker 1: own independent life that we can come together and live
Speaker 1: that life together. So I have an awesome life. I
Speaker 1: think that it's really fun to talk to us to
Speaker 1: be around us, to come see us perform, if you
Speaker 1: want to to travel the world to do all these things.
Speaker 1: I am also a carrying, nurturing person. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: a good listener. I can make you laugh. I have
Speaker 1: a great family. People really just want to be around
Speaker 1: me for my family, quite honestly, that's at Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: a huge, huge selling point. I have a new nephew
Speaker 1: named Jay, so that's my favorite name, just so you know.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I think I bring a lot to the table.
Speaker 1: I think I would be a really great partner. And
Speaker 1: I think that I have gotten to a point where
Speaker 1: I I'm a much better partner than I would have
Speaker 1: been five years ago even I mean ten years ago,
Speaker 1: of course, but just even what we've been able to
Speaker 1: learn in the podcast and about ourselves and how to
Speaker 1: be a good partner, and the things that you look
Speaker 1: back on again five ten years ago, three years ago,
Speaker 1: last year and you were like, that's not the sign
Speaker 1: of a healthy relationship, or that's not how to be
Speaker 1: a supportive partner. This is when you're feeling competitive with
Speaker 1: your partner. You're not the same team. There's contempt, there's jealousy,
Speaker 1: all these different things, and so I feel as though
Speaker 1: I'm in such a great place to be a much
Speaker 1: better partner than I have been in the past, and
Speaker 1: that is something that I want this year. And we
Speaker 1: talked about it on our episode, the first episode of
Speaker 1: the year, and what our goals are, and that's really
Speaker 1: what I'm manifesting. And I haven't really said that before.
Speaker 1: It's been very like last year, it was like, I
Speaker 1: want to have more sex, actually, and then I actually did.
Speaker 1: Like before that, it was like, I just don't feel
Speaker 1: like I have room right now in my life for somebody.
Speaker 1: Everything feels pretty full. It's like at capacity, and I
Speaker 1: don't really want to be bothered. And so I do
Speaker 1: feel like I'm at a place that even though we
Speaker 1: are super busy and I do feel quote unquote full,
Speaker 1: I could make the space for somebody. I love that love,
Speaker 1: that help, where those answers are, and it's it's beautiful
Speaker 1: to have that, right. I think so often we ask
Speaker 1: someone in our lives like, oh, well, what are you
Speaker 1: bringing to the table, and and it's kind of a
Speaker 1: hard question to answer for a lot of people that
Speaker 1: people struggle with that because it's not what we've been
Speaker 1: trained to believe, like we've been trained to believe you
Speaker 1: should know what you want in someone, but not what
Speaker 1: you bring. And so I love hearing both your answers,
Speaker 1: and I hope that we've just manifested where you both
Speaker 1: want here on this show right now. So if Miles
Speaker 1: or Dave ever calls really hot, really hot, but she's married, Oh,
Speaker 1: here's a question, because I think today we're living at
Speaker 1: a time where everyone's having varying degrees of success in
Speaker 1: their own way. You're seeing more people experience fame, You're
Speaker 1: seeing more people experience success, You're seeing more people experience
Speaker 1: financial stability. You just have a lot more people having
Speaker 1: a lot more variety of experiences in this way. Have
Speaker 1: you found it harder to date as you become more successful?
Speaker 1: And and and yeah, exactly, And so I want to
Speaker 1: know what are the kind of troubles you've been having
Speaker 1: this time around? And is there a part of you
Speaker 1: that's like, let one go away earlier? And I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have I mean, I feel like a lot of people
Speaker 1: say to us, our men intimidate, but I my success
Speaker 1: by the money I make. And to those people, I say,
Speaker 1: what's the alternative? You know what, you're going to be
Speaker 1: less successful? Because maybe you'll get a partner. You're gonna
Speaker 1: make less money because perhaps somebody will end up with you.
Speaker 1: That's not the answer to this, yes, of course, as
Speaker 1: a woman, it's the inverse. Like men make more money,
Speaker 1: they become work successful, everybody wants you. Women you're dating,
Speaker 1: opportunities do not grow in tandem the way a man's
Speaker 1: probably will, right, So it's more that way. It's more
Speaker 1: of the fact that it's intimidating as opposed to people
Speaker 1: wanting to take advantage. You'll use your network and connect.
Speaker 1: I think that you're dating pool just shrinks, you know,
Speaker 1: and you don't want to put yourself in situations where
Speaker 1: you're competitive with your partner in a negative way, where
Speaker 1: your success emasculates somebody. You're constantly thinking, is my success
Speaker 1: emasculating this person? But I just I think your pool
Speaker 1: gets smaller for sure. But that doesn't mean I would
Speaker 1: ever stop what I'm doing. You know, What's what's the alternative?
Speaker 1: Um And I have to be conscious about how I
Speaker 1: speak about my life, how I speak about money we make.
Speaker 1: Success we have, but I'm not going to pretend it
Speaker 1: doesn't exist either. I just have to be mindful to
Speaker 1: be humble and have you seen people be turned off
Speaker 1: if they don't know who you are and then you're
Speaker 1: on a date and then they figure it out. Well,
Speaker 1: not turned off. Somebody has this the other day. If
Speaker 1: like we would talk about what we do on a
Speaker 1: first date and I would say the name of the podcast,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be like, it's one of the number one
Speaker 1: dating and relationship pis in the United States. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: lead with that. But not turned off people, or maybe
Speaker 1: they're turned off and that's why it doesn't work out.
Speaker 1: They just don't say it's your face. Maybe I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean some one person one time said to me
Speaker 1: your two public for me, I would never date anybody
Speaker 1: like you, And it really hurt. I remember leaving the
Speaker 1: date and like crying on the street, like really hurt
Speaker 1: my feelings. But that's okay, that's not my person and
Speaker 1: that's fine. And you know, listen, we all bring baggage
Speaker 1: into a relationship. That's my baggage. I think that you know.
Speaker 1: We love this special from Ali Wong where she talks
Speaker 1: about specifically women in comedy, like the way you're a
Speaker 1: woman on stage, you're talking about sex, like your dating
Speaker 1: pool is shrinking. A man and on stage with a microphone,
Speaker 1: his dating pool is growing as he speaks, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's really the inverse and that special spoke to
Speaker 1: me like nothing else in my life, and as a
Speaker 1: female comedian. But I also just think part of it's
Speaker 1: the bar gets higher when your life gets more dope,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like you got to bring more, you know.
Speaker 1: We have this friend of her, this friend of ours,
Speaker 1: she's so funny, Murray Fouston. She's a comedian and she
Speaker 1: did this just random reel or TikTok. One time. She
Speaker 1: was like, if I'm single at forty, the bar is
Speaker 1: so much higher because at this point I've been with
Speaker 1: myself and so I'm happy in my life where it
Speaker 1: is now. And that may not speak to everybody, but
Speaker 1: it does feel like Rain and I have achieved our
Speaker 1: true dream life. We feel as though we have such
Speaker 1: a purpose and we're able to help people every day,
Speaker 1: and the emails we get are such an honor and
Speaker 1: we get to toward the world and make people laugh,
Speaker 1: and it's so good as it is. So it would
Speaker 1: really be someone that is going to enhance any of
Speaker 1: that to fit in our life. And I don't say
Speaker 1: that in like we're so picky, the bar so high,
Speaker 1: but it just is I get it more. Yeah, I do,
Speaker 1: so those two things together and yeah, I mean and
Speaker 1: it's just you know, the way the world, it's just
Speaker 1: you're a woman, You're like you're you get older and
Speaker 1: just as sad as it is, you're dating pull shrinks
Speaker 1: in that way too, you know. Yeah. Um, I think
Speaker 1: that being in love is the best feeling in the world,
Speaker 1: and I miss it and I love being in love,
Speaker 1: but also one of the best feelings in the world.
Speaker 1: Is like any email that somebody sends to us that says,
Speaker 1: like you help me to make my life better. You
Speaker 1: help me to do ending, ask or raise, leave an
Speaker 1: abusive relationship, strength in a relationship I didn't want to lose.
Speaker 1: Talk to my mother in a better like. I get
Speaker 1: choked up when I think about the things people have
Speaker 1: said to us, like your voices have filled my homes
Speaker 1: with sound. Um when like my pet tie, I get like, like,
Speaker 1: I know that we have changed people's lives. You've touched
Speaker 1: people in such a deep way, and I can't imagine
Speaker 1: anything feeling better than that. So in the interim, while
Speaker 1: I'm single, why I don't have anybody. You just have
Speaker 1: to make your life good. So maybe you don't have
Speaker 1: a giant podcast you can reach all these people, but
Speaker 1: like you can go make friends, go find horby. You
Speaker 1: just go find other ways to give your life meaning
Speaker 1: and joy. And that's what you do when you're single,
Speaker 1: and then when you find somebody, like, how dope is
Speaker 1: it that you're like a great person? Now? Yeah you know? Now,
Speaker 1: I love that it's coming across very strong. I don't
Speaker 1: think listening to both of you, I just the reason
Speaker 1: why I've been going down this question trail is because
Speaker 1: I'm hoping that everyone who's listening and watching is going, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's I can aspire for that, right, Like, that's the
Speaker 1: point that everyone can aspire for that to feel whole,
Speaker 1: to feel complete, to feel like their life so awesome
Speaker 1: that someone's going to bring some value to really get
Speaker 1: in on it. Like what a great place to be, Like,
Speaker 1: that's that's the biggest achievement of all, right, Like, regardless
Speaker 1: of all the other success that you've had, which which
Speaker 1: is phenomenal in and of itself, I think it's amazing
Speaker 1: to think that you're sitting here expressing confidence at a
Speaker 1: level that you don't always experience, even from people who've
Speaker 1: made it right. So that's it's amazing, Honestly, I'm telling
Speaker 1: you that. Like sitting opposite you right now, I'm like, Wow,
Speaker 1: it's it's incredible to feel, Yeah, my life's dope, my
Speaker 1: life's amazing, and someone's going to add value to it.
Speaker 1: What are some of the mistakes that you think people
Speaker 1: make early on while they're dating someone, especially when it
Speaker 1: comes to that self worth self esteem piece, because I
Speaker 1: think you're coming at it from this we've been working
Speaker 1: on ourselves, but often we find it's the opposite where
Speaker 1: people dive into relationships when they're lonely, when they want
Speaker 1: to be dependent on someone, when they feel that they're inadequate,
Speaker 1: that's why they're alone. So what are some of the
Speaker 1: mistakes you've seen people make early on? Just not working
Speaker 1: on the fear of being alone and loneliness. I guess
Speaker 1: those can be two different things. So you enter into
Speaker 1: relationship with such a desperate need to have someone fill
Speaker 1: a gap or make you feel worthy or make you
Speaker 1: feel value, and so those are big things. You know,
Speaker 1: those just require a lot of work, but they trickle
Speaker 1: down and did the way that you act and the
Speaker 1: way that you feel so desperate if you don't get
Speaker 1: that text back or that someone doesn't like you. And
Speaker 1: you know, one of the things that I can't stop
Speaker 1: thinking about that I listening to you with a recent
Speaker 1: guest that you had on Humble the Poet, and I'm
Speaker 1: sure you've talked about us before, is going into situations.
Speaker 1: I think them do this a little bit more than women,
Speaker 1: but I think women do it too, just wanting them
Speaker 1: to like you and not even thinking about if you
Speaker 1: like them or if they would be a good match
Speaker 1: for you. So you've got come down this road of
Speaker 1: like you've tried so hard to feel wanted, to feel
Speaker 1: desired and not rejected that you haven't even stopped to
Speaker 1: think if the person would be a good partner or
Speaker 1: if you even like them. Yeah, you know, So how
Speaker 1: do you avoid that when someone's telling you stuff like
Speaker 1: oh my god, you're beautiful, like you're so smart, you're
Speaker 1: so intelligent, Like, how do you avoid kind of enjoying that?
Speaker 1: Even what we're talking about earlier, like when you were
Speaker 1: saying that you want to be in a place where
Speaker 1: you feel like home, and I love that definition of
Speaker 1: like a home love or you know, it's I think
Speaker 1: that's a feeling everyone once. But it's hard because when
Speaker 1: we walk into a dating scenario, most of the time
Speaker 1: we're trying to impress each other. We dress our best,
Speaker 1: we look our best. Like that's not really comfortable because
Speaker 1: you know that in this So if you don't look
Speaker 1: like that all the time, or you and set yourself
Speaker 1: up like that all the time, So how do you
Speaker 1: even Hey, how do you deal with someone who is
Speaker 1: actually validating you and it feels good? And inversely the
Speaker 1: other side, like, how do you make sure that you
Speaker 1: are actually finding out whether you're comfortable with someone at
Speaker 1: what stage? So I think that we should be allowed
Speaker 1: to enjoy things right, Like you don't have to go
Speaker 1: into every day being like are they love bombing me?
Speaker 1: Is this too much? Is this is not enough? What
Speaker 1: was the exact amount of time they spent before they
Speaker 1: texted me? And what? You know? I think we are
Speaker 1: allowed to just enjoy things sometimes and to get one
Speaker 1: dat as a time, one moment at a time. I
Speaker 1: think that in order to sidestep putting so many eggs
Speaker 1: in this basket essentially and making this so important we
Speaker 1: do we should do what I was saying before, which
Speaker 1: is build out a life around yourself, so you have friends,
Speaker 1: you have hobbies, you like what you do for work,
Speaker 1: so that this one person isn't so you don't depend
Speaker 1: on them so much to be your whole world. It's
Speaker 1: not so this date's not so important. You know. Every
Speaker 1: day should just be fun and you should enjoy yourself
Speaker 1: and hopefully you other stuff to fall back on you,
Speaker 1: other plants, this weekend, the other things you can sink
Speaker 1: your teeth into, and it just doesn't mean so much,
Speaker 1: you know, like every single thing is not riding on
Speaker 1: this date. And I think that we should be cautiously
Speaker 1: optimistic but also not so hard on ourselves when somebody
Speaker 1: lies to us or manipulates us, because you shouldn't spend
Speaker 1: every interaction going where's all the holes in this? You know,
Speaker 1: we should just be able to be calm and enjoy it.
Speaker 1: And we shouldn't assume every person is going to lie
Speaker 1: to us, manipulate us, ghost us, cheat on us all
Speaker 1: these things. And if they do, that's just the kind
Speaker 1: of person they are, And isn't it isn't it nice
Speaker 1: that they went away? And you know that now sooner,
Speaker 1: you know, so if someone's going to ghost too. Why
Speaker 1: would you want someone like that in your life that
Speaker 1: can do that to somebody. But I had a friend
Speaker 1: that said to me once like, this may not look
Speaker 1: like what you thought it was going to look like,
Speaker 1: because we have these unrealistic views of dating and relationships
Speaker 1: in the first place. And that feeling you've talked about,
Speaker 1: the spark, we've talked about, the spark, we've had guests on.
Speaker 1: But the spark, the butterflies, all that stuff is actually
Speaker 1: just anxiety. And so I think that a healthy amount
Speaker 1: of nerves, of course, I mean I am like that.
Speaker 1: I rarely ever get nervous about anything, and I'll be
Speaker 1: nervous before a first date. So it's not that, But
Speaker 1: it's that feeling that actually is just anxiety. When the
Speaker 1: feeling of someone that is probably a good partner for you,
Speaker 1: that's like a solid, secure person is really comfortable and
Speaker 1: like kind of boring in your body. Like I just
Speaker 1: always say, you just need to listen to your body.
Speaker 1: I think we always know if we're willing to listen
Speaker 1: of like the way someone makes you feel when you're
Speaker 1: in their presence and then when you leave their presence,
Speaker 1: Like I always tap, I always really want to hone
Speaker 1: in on how I feel when I part ways with somebody.
Speaker 1: Do I feel this like sense of anxiety, like what
Speaker 1: am I gonna hear from the next or is this
Speaker 1: like calm, like I'm sure, I absolutely will We're going
Speaker 1: to go out again. And then I guess I love that.
Speaker 1: It's like when you say goodbye, what is the immediate feeling?
Speaker 1: Is it like anxiety or is it like chill? Yeah?
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, Well, in your friends that are in happy,
Speaker 1: healthy relationships around you, Like, what are some of the
Speaker 1: things that you've seen in as that you're like, Oh,
Speaker 1: that's that's really special, that's great, Like what are some
Speaker 1: of the good signs? No, I just I mean I
Speaker 1: when they have fun together, I really just we have
Speaker 1: are I'm thinking of the couple that they're big fans
Speaker 1: of yours also and Sean and Nanushka and just but yeah,
Speaker 1: my other resources. They work really well together. They're a team,
Speaker 1: they do all the things, they have great communication and yaudi, YadA,
Speaker 1: But they just seem like buddies, like they just really
Speaker 1: have fun together. And I think that's also the main
Speaker 1: thing of randonized relationship. It's like you're and you're just
Speaker 1: you're on the same team. Like we talked about this
Speaker 1: on our upcoming episode, is that you don't feel like
Speaker 1: I literally picture it like whatever sport you're into, where
Speaker 1: are you playing against each other or you on the
Speaker 1: same team with a common goal. Yeah. I rarely see
Speaker 1: somebody break up that I'm like, what you know, Like
Speaker 1: I think about my brother and his wife, and they've
Speaker 1: been together for like twelve years. They're just they're friends.
Speaker 1: They really enjoy each other. They are really fun to
Speaker 1: be around. They're always joking around. They're really like loving
Speaker 1: the same couple that you're talking about, same thing, um,
Speaker 1: another one of UM, like Ashley's other best friend, UM
Speaker 1: and her husband. They're just they're nice that you see
Speaker 1: a friendship in a respect between them. My best friend
Speaker 1: just got engaged and her fiance really has her on
Speaker 1: this like great pedestal. He really looks up to her.
Speaker 1: He thinks that she is just so wonderful, and she
Speaker 1: thinks he's so wonderful. And I listen to how couples
Speaker 1: speak about each other a lot when they're not around
Speaker 1: the other person. Also, and UM, are you proud of
Speaker 1: your partner? Are you excited to do the stuff that
Speaker 1: they that they want to do. So, Um, we I
Speaker 1: think are fortunate to have a lot of really good
Speaker 1: examples around us a positive relationships, and um, I always
Speaker 1: encourage people when you're like, you know, was what's going
Speaker 1: on with me? Normal to look at people whose relationships
Speaker 1: you admire and say, like, what what do I emulate
Speaker 1: from that? You know? And it's important to surround yourself
Speaker 1: with people that have good relationships with everybody, not just
Speaker 1: the romantic partner, but friends and family as well. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I like, I like that nuance, like, like that's a
Speaker 1: really subtle idea of how people talk about each other
Speaker 1: when when the other person's not around and when the
Speaker 1: person is around too. Right of that, when if you
Speaker 1: saw me and my wife together, you think we hate
Speaker 1: each other because bantis so much, because it's such a
Speaker 1: I feel, at least it's a very British thing, because
Speaker 1: me and my friends do this too, like we will
Speaker 1: lay into each other and the more you can lay
Speaker 1: into each other more and love you, And so I
Speaker 1: do with my guy friends who doing my wife like
Speaker 1: and my wife started, by the way, it was not
Speaker 1: my ideas, so it's not something I came up with,
Speaker 1: but literally she sets the tone if she's around me,
Speaker 1: she'll find a way to pick some flow out in
Speaker 1: the most hilarious right, in a funny way. Yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: Passive aggressive difference between healthy banter and roasting and I
Speaker 1: love that too, and nagging and yeah, actually trying to
Speaker 1: make someone look bad totally impletely yeah yeah, and passive
Speaker 1: aggression yeah around yeah yeah. When they're talking to each
Speaker 1: other in the third person, yeah, oh my god, they
Speaker 1: bring up their therapist. I'm like, how fast can I
Speaker 1: exit this room? What's your take on friends becoming lovers
Speaker 1: and lovers staying friends after they break up up? So
Speaker 1: both way rounds um. We get asked a lot like
Speaker 1: can can your friend turn into your lover? Um? And
Speaker 1: can your lover go back to being your friend? UM?
Speaker 1: I don't know if what I want to take first.
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like, can you can you? Can
Speaker 1: you be lovers and then friends? I guess it depends
Speaker 1: on how the relationship ended. I guess it depends how
Speaker 1: much time goes by. What happened one of my best
Speaker 1: friends in the world, him and I slept together for
Speaker 1: like maybe six weeks when we first met, and ending
Speaker 1: it was really painful for me because he basically was
Speaker 1: like he was like, I don't want this. He was like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to date anybody. It feels like this
Speaker 1: is where it's heading. I'm just telling you right now,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna like what happens. I don't I don't
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship with you. And um,
Speaker 1: it hurt a lot in the moment, but the honesty
Speaker 1: and sticking to that is actually what has allowed me
Speaker 1: to be stay friends with him because he didn't disrespect me.
Speaker 1: He looked at me in the face and he said
Speaker 1: I don't want to be in a relationship. And then
Speaker 1: it was probably a little weird and painful. For like
Speaker 1: six months, it hurt to see him with another girl.
Speaker 1: It was really I didn't really want to hear about it.
Speaker 1: If he was dating somebody, it hurt. But with enough time,
Speaker 1: I was like, this is still like I find value
Speaker 1: in this. I really like this person, and he really
Speaker 1: truly is like one of the most important people in
Speaker 1: my life. He took our podcast photos when we first started.
Speaker 1: It was just he is such like an act of service,
Speaker 1: love language person. He's so wonderful. So with enough time,
Speaker 1: if you really want and if you feel I think
Speaker 1: respected in the ending of it. I think you can be.
Speaker 1: But it depends on what happens to relationship. If I'm
Speaker 1: dating somebody and they say to me, yeah, my AX
Speaker 1: and I are best friends, I don't know that I
Speaker 1: love it. It depends on the circumstances. I know. It's
Speaker 1: one of these things. If there are no hard and
Speaker 1: fast roles, and we don't really trust people that say
Speaker 1: that there are. You can't be friends with an X,
Speaker 1: you can never dig your friend shut up, but yes
Speaker 1: you can. I so I think it's all case by
Speaker 1: case basis. But I think of friends that end up
Speaker 1: in a relationship could be really beautiful. I think it
Speaker 1: can totally work. I think it's again not a hot take.
Speaker 1: It goes out saying that you could ruin the friendship,
Speaker 1: but you'd be willing to take the risk, thinking of um,
Speaker 1: love is blind. The Deep Dah Deep Tea and by
Speaker 1: all that was so upsetting. We love that show, but
Speaker 1: that I think kind of like, you know, the friendship
Speaker 1: can can really get ruined, but it can really be
Speaker 1: really beautiful too. My thing with that, I always think
Speaker 1: you should think about what it would actually look like
Speaker 1: if you dated this person. Because I have a guy
Speaker 1: friend that and this was not anytime recentum, but where
Speaker 1: we connected so much. If we were in the room,
Speaker 1: you could feel it. It was palpable. It was just
Speaker 1: like how could they not date? You know, like everybody
Speaker 1: saw it. Everybody could feel it and the chemistry and
Speaker 1: we just felt like a perfect match. But and like
Speaker 1: I knew that too, and I've found him super attractive,
Speaker 1: but I couldn't picture dating him. I couldn't picture being
Speaker 1: like at home with him or something, you know, and
Speaker 1: I probably vice versa, and I took a realistic look
Speaker 1: at it, because you get to that place where you're like,
Speaker 1: should we try and maybe or maybe not? And I
Speaker 1: think it's really you have to be realistic with yourself,
Speaker 1: like can I actually see them as a romantic partner?
Speaker 1: And then staying friends with an X that is really
Speaker 1: also can totally work or not. And it's so much
Speaker 1: about the feelings that each person has. I have an
Speaker 1: X that I wish I could be friends with. I
Speaker 1: could absolutely be friends with him. I think he's the
Speaker 1: best person. I think he's so funny, But I don't
Speaker 1: think he could and I have set a lot of
Speaker 1: boundaries with him because I just don't think it would
Speaker 1: be healthy for him without saying much more. So, it's
Speaker 1: like I absolutely could, we could text, we could be buddies,
Speaker 1: you know, have him on the podcast, But like, I
Speaker 1: don't think it'll be healthy for him, knowing what I
Speaker 1: know a lot about all the way a relationship ended
Speaker 1: in his past and things like that. And I think
Speaker 1: it's so fun to be friends with somebody that you
Speaker 1: casually dated. Like a guy that I casually dated for
Speaker 1: you know, a month, two months right before the pandemic.
Speaker 1: We text all the time. He has a girlfriend. Sure
Speaker 1: she doesn't care on what if you told her or not,
Speaker 1: but like joke around and I'll be you know, it's
Speaker 1: it's like a funny relationship. I find those relationships like
Speaker 1: just kind of weirdly special. I like those. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: want to try something. You've never done this before. So Ray,
Speaker 1: now imagine if you were breaking up with Ashley. I
Speaker 1: want you to try to the best script of what
Speaker 1: you'd like to hear if someone's breaking up with you.
Speaker 1: So you'll going to be the person who's breaking up.
Speaker 1: Ashley's going to be the person who's being broken up with, Okay,
Speaker 1: and I want you to deliver what you'd like to
Speaker 1: hear if someone's breaking up with you. So you've been
Speaker 1: kind of daying for like three to six months, three
Speaker 1: to six months, Yeah, I want to hear. Yeah, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I did my last break and actually you
Speaker 1: respond how you respond? Okay, I have to break up
Speaker 1: with you. Oh my gosh, there goes my bank account.
Speaker 1: Not not as you, guys, as if you dating again,
Speaker 1: not as you. I feel like this relationship has run
Speaker 1: its course. And um, I feel like you already messed
Speaker 1: up because you need to start with your soul. So
Speaker 1: you that I've already messed up once. Already you break up,
Speaker 1: break up with myself. You need to start up. You're
Speaker 1: the funniest, coolest, No, that's one I've ever met. Compliments first,
Speaker 1: You want to hear compliments before someone says our relationships.
Speaker 1: Just like if you just start it and say I'm
Speaker 1: like funny and hot, like it'll be better. It's like,
Speaker 1: it's just better, it'll lessen the blow. I don't care.
Speaker 1: That's funnier and hotter. I wouldn't be breaking up with you.
Speaker 1: That's all I've heard that. I'm just like that sounds chill,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know the last breakup I did.
Speaker 1: I try to keep it like as vague as possible.
Speaker 1: I said, like, I think this relationships runs course. I
Speaker 1: think we want different things in life. I want to
Speaker 1: be successful and you don't know um that No, I
Speaker 1: just I said, I think we want different things in life,
Speaker 1: and then we expect different things out of life. And
Speaker 1: I said, I still love you and care about you.
Speaker 1: Think you're a wonderful person, You're all the things, You're
Speaker 1: smart and funny, and but I just I think this
Speaker 1: is run. It's course. I've used that line before on
Speaker 1: like a couple of breakups. I recycle that line. But
Speaker 1: there's a couple of things in breakups. I don't want
Speaker 1: somebody to walk away being completely confused. Actually I talked
Speaker 1: about that in my last breakup because I was like,
Speaker 1: what if I said this? And she was like, you
Speaker 1: don't want to like have him walk away thinking he
Speaker 1: did something he didn't. And I agree with that. But
Speaker 1: I also don't need to like burn into the ground
Speaker 1: and be like this is wrong and this is wrong
Speaker 1: and this is wrong. You know, Like I also don't
Speaker 1: need to make you feel terrible sometimes like some vagueness
Speaker 1: is okay. Well, that's the thing that we say when
Speaker 1: people are begging for closure, it's like you want to
Speaker 1: hear the really bad stuff, you know. And I think
Speaker 1: that's one of the best things that we've learned throughout
Speaker 1: the years doing what we do, is sometimes it's just
Speaker 1: that you're not it. You know, you're not the one,
Speaker 1: and it can boil down to some things you may
Speaker 1: not want to hear. And I think it's good to
Speaker 1: reflect on yourself too, Like how many times have you
Speaker 1: been with somebody that just wasn't the person and you
Speaker 1: couldn't necessarily put your finger on it, and then if
Speaker 1: you did, it would come across sounding pretty harsh. So
Speaker 1: I think it's always good to put yourself on the
Speaker 1: other side of it too, Like I'm not so undesirable.
Speaker 1: I have dated people that were great and then we
Speaker 1: had to end it too. So I mean, I would
Speaker 1: hate to be broken up with and totally heartbroken with
Speaker 1: somebody that I loved and then I saw a future with.
Speaker 1: But I know that I would be okay, and I
Speaker 1: can't be knowing what I know now, I would just
Speaker 1: have to take it pretty easily because sometimes it just
Speaker 1: doesn't work out. So that's kind of the thing too,
Speaker 1: when people are just they're so obsessed with that closure conversation. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I do think you should have closure, but to what extent, Well,
Speaker 1: some people want to have a third breakup conversation, a
Speaker 1: fourth breakup conversation, right like you've you've had the breakup conversation,
Speaker 1: but they want to keep understanding. And sometimes we're that
Speaker 1: person or sometimes that person's doing it to us, and
Speaker 1: you're saying, actually, you're not going to achieve much from
Speaker 1: that extension of conversation. Depends who you are, and you
Speaker 1: know why it ended. It's just I don't know that
Speaker 1: I need to like give you a declaration of hate,
Speaker 1: you know, Like it's just I don't see myself marrying you.
Speaker 1: I don't need to tell you like I don't respect
Speaker 1: the way you live your life. I think it's fine
Speaker 1: to break up, take some time to marinate, and then
Speaker 1: really want that like closure conversation six months later or something,
Speaker 1: because you really can be a little more honest. Tensions
Speaker 1: are lower, but I'm not going to keep unpacking the breakup.
Speaker 1: I think. Sometimes so my I was engaged to somebody,
Speaker 1: we broke up, and we didn't really have any other
Speaker 1: We broke up the day after my engagement party, and
Speaker 1: we never spoke again for three and a half years.
Speaker 1: And three and a a half years later actually, and i'd
Speaker 1: started the podcast about two months after you started the podcast.
Speaker 1: Through a series of things that happened, I ended up
Speaker 1: talking to him and he asked me to go out
Speaker 1: to dinner and we had this like six hour long,
Speaker 1: all night closure conversation and he said, you know, I've
Speaker 1: thought about you every day for four years and I've
Speaker 1: never really gotten over this, and I hate what I
Speaker 1: did do, and I'm so sorry. It was a nice moment.
Speaker 1: It was a nice moment to have it, but I
Speaker 1: know I appreciate it and helped me to walk away
Speaker 1: up from some anger and some things I really was
Speaker 1: still hang on to. But I didn't need it. It
Speaker 1: was nice to have it. Sometimes that feels really good.
Speaker 1: But you have to learn to like go to therapy
Speaker 1: and read books and listen to podcasts, and thankfully today
Speaker 1: there is so much out there like your show, like
Speaker 1: our show that people can listen to and hopeall we
Speaker 1: find some peace. Yeah, I don't know. So the dream
Speaker 1: is that you're consistently doing relationship check ins if you
Speaker 1: need them, and you know where you stand and where
Speaker 1: they stand and so like you're a woman, for example,
Speaker 1: and you just get blindsided, broke up with out of
Speaker 1: the blue, and he's like, did you do this? You
Speaker 1: do that? And you're like, why didn't you tell me
Speaker 1: when those things were happening? Because feedback is important, you know. Again,
Speaker 1: I don't think you should beat down someone's door for
Speaker 1: this closure and tell me everything that's wrong with me,
Speaker 1: but like it is nice to know, so perhaps you
Speaker 1: can be better in the next relationship if it's something
Speaker 1: that was actually valid. Yeah. So I just think there
Speaker 1: is a happy medium. Unhappy medium, I guess would be
Speaker 1: the better word. But again, it sometimes it just boils
Speaker 1: down to this, isn't it? And I think you're a
Speaker 1: lovely person and all the best you do you think
Speaker 1: that people? Do you think being blindsided as a real thing?
Speaker 1: Sometimes when people I'll qualify this when people say like
Speaker 1: he blindsided me, and I'm like, this person just woke
Speaker 1: up walking to a room and say good bye, Like
Speaker 1: I don't know, and I'm sure that does happen. But
Speaker 1: do you think it happens as often as people say
Speaker 1: that it does. That's a great question. I mean, I'd
Speaker 1: love to look at the research behind it. But from
Speaker 1: what I've experienced, I definitely can say that I think
Speaker 1: people are blindsided to the degree that people might not
Speaker 1: be saying much before they do something like that. But
Speaker 1: i'd say that if you were and I don't mean
Speaker 1: same as you. I don't mean like interrogating and investigating
Speaker 1: and having a private investige involved or anything like that.
Speaker 1: But I think if you're reading the signs of like
Speaker 1: how close someone is, how distant someone is, like how
Speaker 1: engaged they are in conversation, like how often you're actually connecting,
Speaker 1: like I think you can tell. But I think often
Speaker 1: we think things are great because they look great in
Speaker 1: our heads, but we're not really looking at what am
Speaker 1: I actually feeling, what am I experiencing from this person.
Speaker 1: But I do think people do have that completely. I mean,
Speaker 1: I literally spoke to someone a couple of months ago,
Speaker 1: and it's like they've been married for twenty years and
Speaker 1: then their partner told them that they don't think they
Speaker 1: were right for each other anymore and that they've felt
Speaker 1: that way for a long time. Now. That's insanely tough, right, Like,
Speaker 1: that's so difficult, and so yeah, if I was with
Speaker 1: someone for twenty years, I would feel blindsided because twenty
Speaker 1: years a long time. But often people are quiet. I
Speaker 1: find that a lot of people are like silent or
Speaker 1: quiet or distant before a breakup. It's not like they're
Speaker 1: they're telling you they love you right now. And then
Speaker 1: well maybe, actually, I take that back. That's happened to
Speaker 1: people too. Every once in a while, you'll have a
Speaker 1: conversation and then it's couldn't you believe it? We were perfect?
Speaker 1: And then you take a little deeper and yeah, like, well,
Speaker 1: actually there's this one thing that happened in Miami and
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, the huge red flags. Why
Speaker 1: didn't you couldn't you couldn't feel that something was off then?
Speaker 1: And what you said, you might just think it's perfect,
Speaker 1: or you're just trying not to be You're you're trying
Speaker 1: to not be honest with yourself, like you're trying not
Speaker 1: to see the signs, like wanting it to be so
Speaker 1: perfect that you don't pick up all those things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what are some of the common red flags you think
Speaker 1: people miss? Like what are the ones that you think
Speaker 1: people actually miss them completely? Like this is a good
Speaker 1: example of one where you think you're blindsided, but you're
Speaker 1: not really because there are hidden messages there. What are
Speaker 1: some of those other ones that you think we just
Speaker 1: like just don't recognize. I mean a lot of signs
Speaker 1: and narcissism. I think that the charming thing, you know,
Speaker 1: just I think you had doctor Romney on maybe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like that word is always in my head because it's
Speaker 1: such a positive compliment, and of course it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be bad, but the overly charming you feel like
Speaker 1: a connection, like you're the only woman in the room
Speaker 1: when you're talking to him. It's like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: that might not be good. So that's what we all
Speaker 1: want to some degree, isn't it Like isn't that the
Speaker 1: feeling that we want to be made to fill out?
Speaker 1: Or no, you're saying we should never want to feel
Speaker 1: that even with the it's it's hard. Yeah, it's hard.
Speaker 1: She described a narcist and I was like, that sounds
Speaker 1: kind a nice. She was like, if they try to
Speaker 1: take you on a trip within ten days of meeting,
Speaker 1: I was like, that sounds great. I don't know, I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's just like does everyone feel like
Speaker 1: that that they've met? So, yeah, it can be. It
Speaker 1: can be tough to decipher. I mean, I think just
Speaker 1: general bad behavior, like if someone doesn't do what they
Speaker 1: say they're gonna do, they don't show up, they bail
Speaker 1: on you, they just immediately like someone does not show up,
Speaker 1: they don't respond to you, or whatever it is, and
Speaker 1: you don't pay attention. Yeah, I think you can only
Speaker 1: blame yourself when that actually turns out to be the
Speaker 1: demise of a relationship. Yeah, because it was there at
Speaker 1: the beginning. Yeah, mine's going the other way. We used
Speaker 1: to text each other all the time, and now we've
Speaker 1: been married for seven years talking. I have to message
Speaker 1: seven times to get a text back. Now. My wife's
Speaker 1: the worst of textings. Literally, she's she's the worst that
Speaker 1: everyone always to message me going Jeff said, rather this
Speaker 1: message like three days ago, she's gonna get back to him,
Speaker 1: like yeah, three weeks like like because literally, Yeah, she
Speaker 1: loves calls. She can pick up the phone anytime, not
Speaker 1: a text, not a text, ignore as text. We had
Speaker 1: a guest on and we talked about different texting styles,
Speaker 1: and I would say it was one of the most
Speaker 1: impactful episodes we did of twenty twenty two. It really
Speaker 1: helped to reframe into my mind that not everybody's like me,
Speaker 1: you know, like when I like somebody, I want to
Speaker 1: talk to them more. And it just really put into
Speaker 1: perspective that people have completely different communication styles and even
Speaker 1: when it comes to text, and I think it's helpful
Speaker 1: to remember it doesn't mean someone doesn't like you, but
Speaker 1: I mean, yes, days later they haven't returned your text.
Speaker 1: I think that's a pretty clear sign that you're not
Speaker 1: top of mind and a priority. Or it could even
Speaker 1: be purposeful, which is even worse. Yeah, like they're trying
Speaker 1: to put you in your place she doesn't want to be be. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I really enjoy the very beginning stages. It's a lot
Speaker 1: of fun. I like finding somebody that like really is
Speaker 1: engaging makes me laugh and I don't pause to think
Speaker 1: that often can this person be a good long term partner?
Speaker 1: And I think there's a good balance. There's a hard
Speaker 1: balance to strike because I don't want to interview somebody
Speaker 1: to be my husband on the first or second date either,
Speaker 1: because that's a fair to another person. But I think
Speaker 1: what you can do at least is look at somebody's
Speaker 1: lifestyle and what they do just day to day for work,
Speaker 1: how they travel, they have friends, and say like, is
Speaker 1: this a lifestyle I could enjoy long term. You know,
Speaker 1: if somebody went on a date with me and they
Speaker 1: were like, I really want somebody home seven nights a week.
Speaker 1: I want to be that's going to like have dinner
Speaker 1: with me seven nights a week. I don't want their
Speaker 1: career necessarily to be primary in their life. I want
Speaker 1: my career to be primary in our lives. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm probably not your girl, and that's not I wish
Speaker 1: people were that clear though, as well, Like, at least
Speaker 1: that would make it really clear for someone. Yeah, everybody
Speaker 1: was more clear exactly. Yeah, that would just be a
Speaker 1: dream if someone said that it makes some sense, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'd be amazing. I wish we could all just like
Speaker 1: interview perfectly in a first date. But I have leaned
Speaker 1: into situations because they feel good. Because I find somebody
Speaker 1: that's really nice and I feel really connected with them
Speaker 1: on like an intimate level. I sometimes stop, don't stop
Speaker 1: to think, like, what does this look like in six months?
Speaker 1: Can we live the same type of life? Am I's
Speaker 1: gonna be proud of this person, and I like the
Speaker 1: kind of family they have their friends. So I get
Speaker 1: caught up in the beginning stages because I said this
Speaker 1: in the podcast on our show recently. My mom didn't
Speaker 1: raise me to like find find a husband, finds me
Speaker 1: to pay your bills. My mom was like, you be
Speaker 1: the person that pays the bills and you'd be the
Speaker 1: person successful, which I love and she's so empowering. But
Speaker 1: no one ever told me like when you go on
Speaker 1: a first date, you should date because you want to
Speaker 1: do this person long term. So those are some pitfalls
Speaker 1: for me. I think it don't pause to think, you know,
Speaker 1: what does this look like in a year? Yeah? You know, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a great show. Thank you for that. I want
Speaker 1: to dive into a couple of more personal things before
Speaker 1: we wrap up. Actually, you were saying that, you know,
Speaker 1: for you, you decide you didn't want to have children.
Speaker 1: How have you tackled explaining that to potential partners to
Speaker 1: your own family, Like, how's the reaction been? Because I
Speaker 1: always feel like when we make things that like break
Speaker 1: a tradition or pattern, like it's like a big thing
Speaker 1: to say, like, oh I don't want to do this
Speaker 1: and it shouldn't be a big thing, but it is
Speaker 1: seen as a big thing, right, Like even even for us,
Speaker 1: like we've been together for seven years, and in our community,
Speaker 1: it's like, that's a long time to be together and
Speaker 1: not have kids. Yeah. Yeah, And so it's like even that,
Speaker 1: even if the conversation is still open. So I guess
Speaker 1: I'm interested in that because I think there are so
Speaker 1: many people who are listening and watching who are changing
Speaker 1: the way relationships look, who are changing the way love looks,
Speaker 1: who are changing the way what matters to them looks.
Speaker 1: And so I want to hear from you, like how
Speaker 1: did you a come to that conclusion yourself, whatever you're
Speaker 1: comfortable sharing, and then how did you share that with
Speaker 1: the people in your life that matter? It's been I've
Speaker 1: never just want I've just never wanted children. We did
Speaker 1: a whole episode in this. It took me months to
Speaker 1: feel comfortable even doing it because I wanted to approach
Speaker 1: it very sensitively to women who are struggling to have
Speaker 1: children or that are struggling with the decision. And I
Speaker 1: don't want to be flippant about it, like, oh, it's
Speaker 1: no big deal, Like I just don't want them, and
Speaker 1: that's what it is, you know, because I actually feel,
Speaker 1: I say, so many women, especially as they get older
Speaker 1: into their thirties forties, that like don't know, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't really have to think about it, and so
Speaker 1: I've always felt that way in my adult life. Maybe
Speaker 1: when I was a kid or in college, I was like,
Speaker 1: of course I'll get married and have kids. You just
Speaker 1: don't know any better. And then I slowly started to
Speaker 1: realize as I became to adults one that I don't want.
Speaker 1: I can't picture it on any level, any part of it.
Speaker 1: And my family, again, it's just one of those I'm
Speaker 1: lucky that they just support me and don't expect me
Speaker 1: to live a traditional life. They never have. So glad
Speaker 1: that my brother has chosen to have children, have a
Speaker 1: brand new baby nephew named Jay, and more to come hopefully,
Speaker 1: so they're going to get their their grandkids. But I've
Speaker 1: never felt an ounce of pressure from them to do
Speaker 1: anything besides be myself, and luckily I have achieved success
Speaker 1: and I can show them them letting me fly was
Speaker 1: not for nothing, so that's never been an issue. I
Speaker 1: think I just am a confident person and I am
Speaker 1: steadfast in my decisions. No one ever really throws me
Speaker 1: shade or makes me feel uncomfortable about it. And maybe
Speaker 1: I just don't pay attention because I don't care, you know,
Speaker 1: like those little slights of like, well, you might change
Speaker 1: your mind. It's like, oh my god, shut up. You
Speaker 1: know when people put those things on you, that's because
Speaker 1: it's they're feeling some sort of way that you've chosen
Speaker 1: to make a decision that they have in So I
Speaker 1: don't let those things bother me. I just know it's
Speaker 1: a decision that's right for me, and I don't feel
Speaker 1: like it's a big deal, you know. So it's like
Speaker 1: that just makes it me easier to flow through the
Speaker 1: world with this decision. But I feel for people that
Speaker 1: are struggling with it, whatever it may be, And those
Speaker 1: are just conversations that you have to open communication and
Speaker 1: conversations you have to have. We're so lucky to have
Speaker 1: so many different resources today with podcasts, internet, books of
Speaker 1: how to even the language to use when it comes
Speaker 1: to this type of thing, and you can sit and
Speaker 1: rehearse it if you need to. Potential partners. Again, it's
Speaker 1: just something that I feel comfortable sharing. Um, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: want to get down a road with somebody where I
Speaker 1: felt like things were getting serious and hadn't come up,
Speaker 1: because I wouldn't even probably start to date somebody if
Speaker 1: I knew they really wanted a family. So that's been
Speaker 1: It was like a fear of mine that I would
Speaker 1: find somebody that I really felt for that really wanted
Speaker 1: a family, and it hasn't happened. Jed and I've dated
Speaker 1: guys that either didn't want children as well or could
Speaker 1: go either way, and it wasn't really something that was
Speaker 1: so important to them. So I am fine if it
Speaker 1: comes up date one. Yeah, it comes out sometimes if
Speaker 1: it's in a conversation. It's been part of someone tried
Speaker 1: to insult me one saying it was part of my
Speaker 1: personality at this point. Yeah, it is. So it's like
Speaker 1: it comes up, and if I'm asked, I'm open about it.
Speaker 1: So I think these things you just have to own them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, like that's just what it is, you know,
Speaker 1: seeing so many more women chair that they don't want to. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not you know, we're out there. Absolutely. I always
Speaker 1: think it's funny when people say, like, you'll change your mind.
Speaker 1: It's like when you tell me you want kids, I
Speaker 1: don't tell you to change the mind. It's so funny
Speaker 1: to me. And we did this episode and it was
Speaker 1: really so beautiful and we tried really hard to not
Speaker 1: judge anybody's decisions because we don't. We don't care. If
Speaker 1: you want to be a mom, that's amazing. If you don't,
Speaker 1: then don't be a mom. Um. But the amount of
Speaker 1: people that wrote us and said I grew up never
Speaker 1: knowing I had a choice, I thought this was a
Speaker 1: foregone conclusion. I'm one of those people as well, just
Speaker 1: always thought like, well, of course a lot of kids.
Speaker 1: Everybody has kids, you know. So many mothers wrote us
Speaker 1: and said like, I love my kids, but I don't
Speaker 1: know that I would have chosen this if I knew
Speaker 1: that I could have had another options we got were heartbreaking.
Speaker 1: Yeah for mothers. Yeah, then we're like, I don't think
Speaker 1: I should have had kids, you know when that, like
Speaker 1: Rana said, I love my kids, but we were like whoa,
Speaker 1: Like yeah, yeah. People felt like it was a safe
Speaker 1: space to share the type of guilt that they feel.
Speaker 1: It's not a big community that exists that you can
Speaker 1: tell your other mom friends like I hate this, you know,
Speaker 1: and I can't really because I'm not a mother. I'm
Speaker 1: not in these mom forums. But I know that there's
Speaker 1: a lot of judgment, you know, I'm sure it's not
Speaker 1: a very popular thing to say, like I made a mistake.
Speaker 1: You know. Um, it's a huge decision to make, and
Speaker 1: to each their own, it's not necessarily a decision I'm
Speaker 1: gonna make, um, But yeah, it was. It was hard
Speaker 1: to see a lot of people say, you know, I
Speaker 1: just didn't know. I didn't know that I could make
Speaker 1: another decision. And there's been so much writing, especially since COVID,
Speaker 1: that so many women are foregoing having children, and I
Speaker 1: love that, like we can talk about this now and
Speaker 1: it's not so taboo. And I remember when I told
Speaker 1: my mom I didn't think I wanted to have kids.
Speaker 1: I'm not at one hundred percent like Ashley is, but um,
Speaker 1: I'm aging out of kids. So you're not freezing your eggs.
Speaker 1: I'm not freezing any eggs. I told my mom I
Speaker 1: didn't think I wanted to have kids, and it was
Speaker 1: a really bad situation, and I don't think I think
Speaker 1: I approached it really flippantly and I insulted her choice
Speaker 1: to have children, and I think I said something like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't need to have kids to make my life
Speaker 1: mean something, and she was like, you think you think
Speaker 1: my life didn't mean anything without you like, you know, so,
Speaker 1: I think that I was kind of hurtful in my
Speaker 1: words and I didn't think about it, and I was
Speaker 1: just like, what's the difference. My life means a lot
Speaker 1: to a lot of people. And she was like, so,
Speaker 1: I think that you do have to you know, tread
Speaker 1: lightly with family and also sharing that yeah, no, yeah,
Speaker 1: ultimately going to approach it with compassion. Yeah. I did
Speaker 1: not choose my words while it was a really bad
Speaker 1: fight because I insulted her choices in life. And my
Speaker 1: mom accepts anything. Our parents were really lucky. Our parents
Speaker 1: just accept whatever we do. But I think that you
Speaker 1: just tread a little bit lightly. And you know, my
Speaker 1: mom wasn't mad that I said I didn't want kids.
Speaker 1: She was mad at my delivery about it. Yeah. That's
Speaker 1: such a great point. I mean, I think so often
Speaker 1: you could be making a really good decision for yourself.
Speaker 1: But it's what you just said. It's reflected and projected
Speaker 1: in a way onto our insecurity about them, or a
Speaker 1: flow we see in them, or a challenge in them.
Speaker 1: And I love that you brought that point out because
Speaker 1: I think it's so important to communicate and say it
Speaker 1: because it's for us, right it's about you. It's about
Speaker 1: you as the individual. Even the way you were saying Ashley,
Speaker 1: I think there's so much strength encourage when you're like,
Speaker 1: this is my decision. I'm owning it and I'm dealing
Speaker 1: with it and how it reflects on me. But thank
Speaker 1: you for opening up and sharing that, because oh yeah,
Speaker 1: people love this topic with us. And it really was
Speaker 1: actually approach the topic originally, but my mom it was
Speaker 1: she was just sort of like, oh, you think you're
Speaker 1: so successful you don't need kids, but I needed them.
Speaker 1: You know. It came off not very nice. Yeah, so,
Speaker 1: but I will say having a new nephew, I get it.
Speaker 1: It doesn't make me one kids, but I feel different
Speaker 1: down the inside, Like the love that I have for
Speaker 1: this baby is like I can't I could like cry
Speaker 1: right now. Just was I miss them so actively every day?
Speaker 1: Like it did not make me want to have children.
Speaker 1: Would be very clear. It's still no part of it
Speaker 1: I'm interested in, but it's like made me understand it
Speaker 1: more or something where I'm like, yeah, I really I
Speaker 1: get it, y'all. And those I feel for you even
Speaker 1: more that are kind of struggling with this in the
Speaker 1: first place because it's really beautiful. It made me want
Speaker 1: them and not want them. I'll tell you why. He's
Speaker 1: the cutest. He just brings so much love to the
Speaker 1: room and everyone. It just brings everyone together in such
Speaker 1: a beautiful wh Your sister in law, like it's around
Speaker 1: the clock. I see how hard she works to just
Speaker 1: you know, be a great mother. And christ dinner and
Speaker 1: she cooked this great Christmas dinner and then she had
Speaker 1: to go upstairs and feeling and eat this dinner. And
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't want that nightmare last to eat.
Speaker 1: And I cooked it and paid for it no thing.
Speaker 1: So she is such a good mom. And I think
Speaker 1: sometimes good parenting is looking at that and going I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be good at that, and I'm not gonna do that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be bothered. Okay, I'm eating first.
Speaker 1: That's what it is. Right when you're looking at the
Speaker 1: baby for two hours a day, it's very different than yeah,
Speaker 1: being with the baby. I will say, I want to
Speaker 1: tell you this. I just feel like you'll appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Is that we talked about this on the episode of
Speaker 1: Like there's this tiny thing in the back of your
Speaker 1: head that you just don't want to die alone. You
Speaker 1: know like you may not be with your spouse if
Speaker 1: you ever got married, or your friends could be dead,
Speaker 1: or you won't have your parents anymore, like your family,
Speaker 1: your immediate family has gone, and so there's that little
Speaker 1: thing in the back of your head that you know.
Speaker 1: For me, it's like I watched my mom tend to
Speaker 1: my grandmother when she is dying, and we all had
Speaker 1: a very close relationship, and it's like what happens when
Speaker 1: I'm in my grandmother's place, or when I'm dying, or
Speaker 1: I'm in hospice or I'm sick or whatever, And so
Speaker 1: it doesn't make me want to do it, but there
Speaker 1: is that thing, at least in my head, and I
Speaker 1: think in other people's too. And we did this episode
Speaker 1: and we got this maybe I shouldn't have brought this up.
Speaker 1: We got this email from this hospice nurse and she
Speaker 1: was like, I, your fears are so valid, but like,
Speaker 1: I just want to tell you too that you will
Speaker 1: have people with you at the end and you've built
Speaker 1: this life for yourselves and you'll be surrounded by people
Speaker 1: that you love. And it took me out, like I
Speaker 1: was like, what a beautiful message to ease those fears
Speaker 1: and that you will have people around you and you
Speaker 1: will be surrounded by love in your final days. Like
Speaker 1: morbid as that sounds, but it was really nice to
Speaker 1: hear from someone who witnesses those things happen every day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and the really the greatest gift of this podcast is
Speaker 1: it has given me better friends, given Ashley and I
Speaker 1: a reason to travel and tour and reconnect with friends
Speaker 1: from college and high school. And it's made my relationship
Speaker 1: with my parents better, my brother, it just it's made
Speaker 1: me a better person. And I think about her daughter, sister, friend,
Speaker 1: all of that. So that's such a gift. And now, yes,
Speaker 1: I know I'll be surrounded by people because I've used
Speaker 1: this podcast is therapy for myself. And we get to
Speaker 1: interview people like you, our listeners. Yeah, they're at the end.
Speaker 1: I'll do a live stream. Yeah, I'm gonna stream my dad. Okay,
Speaker 1: people can call in. Well, I'll be a lot of
Speaker 1: feed like in the zoo or you watch the penguins
Speaker 1: at the hospital. Yeah, anyway, No, thank you for taking today.
Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, I can tell why people are addicted
Speaker 1: listening to you both. It's very addictive, it's contagious, it's
Speaker 1: it's amazing energy. I fully agree that whoever you decided
Speaker 1: to choose to be with and your chooses to be with,
Speaker 1: both of you are going to have such a great relationship.
Speaker 1: Think I've such a great time, just just love spending
Speaker 1: this time with you. And even to hear how reflective
Speaker 1: than thoughtful and how deep and just the amount of
Speaker 1: self work that you've both done is unbelievable. And to
Speaker 1: see it in display in this way is is really inspiring.
Speaker 1: And I hope that everyone who's listening on watching can
Speaker 1: see that you can have fun and think deeply at
Speaker 1: the same time, which is which is important because I
Speaker 1: think there's this belief that like, oh, you can just
Speaker 1: be silly and stupid, or you can be really thoughtful
Speaker 1: and reflective, and I think you both walk that path
Speaker 1: really wonderfully. So that really means the world, you know,
Speaker 1: it really does, because it's like people are dynamic, and
Speaker 1: you can go on stage and do all the stuff
Speaker 1: and at the end of the day still be like
Speaker 1: an intelligent person with depth and you can have conversations
Speaker 1: like this. So I really appreciate that really means a lot.
Speaker 1: We'd try to make our show like that. That's we
Speaker 1: call it a comedy show about dating and relationships, and
Speaker 1: we've done really wild episodes with porn stars, but we've
Speaker 1: talked about sexual assault and abortion and really heavy stuff.
Speaker 1: So we're really proud of that. We hope that I
Speaker 1: came across, So thank you for saying yeaheah, definitely, No, definitely,
Speaker 1: I'm hoping this will be the first of many. So
Speaker 1: today's Today's a good intro for anyone who doesn't already
Speaker 1: love you and follow you. But we end every episode
Speaker 1: with the final five, and so I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: ask you, but you can decide who goes first. I
Speaker 1: don't wind, but you will have to answer the same questions. Okay,
Speaker 1: so question number one, what is the best relationship advice
Speaker 1: you've ever heard, received, or given? So I think the
Speaker 1: best relationship advice we've heard, or I can give it
Speaker 1: one of one sence. Yeah, this is going to sound counterintuitive,
Speaker 1: but the thing that's going to make you the best
Speaker 1: partner is building a life for yourself that you are
Speaker 1: proud of. That is our that's our whole show's montra,
Speaker 1: it's yours, it's yours right now, own it. It's actually
Speaker 1: has to come up with their own one. Now, actually
Speaker 1: watch that clip. Make a list of the person you
Speaker 1: want and be that person. No, I think it, but
Speaker 1: that's what I think will make you the perfect partner
Speaker 1: and the best version of yourself you built. You've already won,
Speaker 1: You've already won the second place to fine, I mean
Speaker 1: listen again. It might sound counterintuitive to like manifesting and visualizing,
Speaker 1: but I really do stand by it might not look
Speaker 1: like what we thought was going to look like. I
Speaker 1: love that anything you know, your life, but your relationship.
Speaker 1: Just relax, just chill, I'm not even so heavy. Just relax,
Speaker 1: all right. Second question, what's the worst relationship advice you've
Speaker 1: ever heard, received or given? Change yourself defend to somebody
Speaker 1: else's life right now with The quick answer is absolutely
Speaker 1: just stupid stuff like don't sleep with someone up to
Speaker 1: like fourteen dates rules. Yeah, any rules like we just
Speaker 1: really try to. I think sex rules. I think it's
Speaker 1: crazy and we have like I'm not saying you should
Speaker 1: always sleep with them on the first I mean I
Speaker 1: just think those things like bog you down. Question number three,
Speaker 1: what's something you used to value in relationships that you
Speaker 1: don't anymore? I mean, I guess you don't need to
Speaker 1: play a d one or pro sport that I only
Speaker 1: used to want to be with athletes. You don't have
Speaker 1: to be an athlete, Okay, got it. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel like I just keep adding to that because
Speaker 1: the bar started so low. It was just like do
Speaker 1: you have a pulse? No, I don't value anymore because
Speaker 1: I was never one of those girls. Was like a
Speaker 1: day guy with money and finance, Like I wasn't one
Speaker 1: of those people. Like it's really it's gone backwards for me.
Speaker 1: It's just you don't have to be a pro. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I just had the bar was so low before, so
Speaker 1: nothing just keep adding question Numberfore, what's one episode on
Speaker 1: your podcast that you'd love everyone to listen to? Oh,
Speaker 1: it's just what are you looking for for this community?
Speaker 1: For this? I liked this episode we did called You're
Speaker 1: Not the One because I feel like it goes in
Speaker 1: cannon with this today and it's just about breaking up
Speaker 1: with those people that are not the one. Yeah. Um.
Speaker 1: We did do an episode with Lane Moore um in
Speaker 1: the New year about um, what do we what do
Speaker 1: we call it's not being how to be alone? How
Speaker 1: to be alone? Along that line last year twenty twenty two,
Speaker 1: and we're going to talk to you about that on
Speaker 1: our show as glum. But yeah, I mean so much
Speaker 1: of this is just checking with yourself being a good
Speaker 1: version of yourself. We did do a relationship with Lori Gottlieb,
Speaker 1: who's a psychotherapist about Yeah, we love her, she's been twice.
Speaker 1: Both the episodes with her were great, but we did
Speaker 1: wanted to fall about strengthening your relationship mother daughter relationships.
Speaker 1: It's applicable to any parent relationship, but it really, I
Speaker 1: think helped a lot of people. So if you're looking
Speaker 1: for anything like that, I think it's really special. And
Speaker 1: everything's on our website every one episode we've ever done.
Speaker 1: You go to girls scotta dot com. fIF the final question,
Speaker 1: what's your biggest piece of relationship advice for each other
Speaker 1: this year twenty twenty three. I feel like my piece
Speaker 1: of advice for Raina has always been about the same
Speaker 1: and it's just don't go down the road with people
Speaker 1: that are not emotionally available and wouldn't be a good match.
Speaker 1: And I feel like I can sometimes see it on
Speaker 1: answer more than one sense, but I can kind of
Speaker 1: sometimes see that when she can because she's in it,
Speaker 1: and so I just would continue on that road if
Speaker 1: like pick partners. That makes sense, Um, I think for
Speaker 1: you because you just in the past and just said
Speaker 1: I don't care about being a relationship this year. Just
Speaker 1: to prioritize it this year and to just give yourself
Speaker 1: some grace that you don't need to work seven days
Speaker 1: a week and you don't need to work at ten pm,
Speaker 1: and like you're allowed to take days off, and you're
Speaker 1: allowed to prioritize yourself and just be in the moment
Speaker 1: and be happy, and you don't need to just be
Speaker 1: working all the time. You're allowed, perfession to stop working.
Speaker 1: Love it. When she told me, actually, you run the company,
Speaker 1: you don't work today, and I was like, what, I
Speaker 1: don't reminder this company? She was like, I feel really stressed. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I really backed down. I was like, we own the company.
Speaker 1: You could take the day. But I think that you know,
Speaker 1: she has a really full life, as do I, but
Speaker 1: just talking about her, she has a really full life
Speaker 1: and all these friends, and she works really hard, and
Speaker 1: so it can be easy to be like, I don't
Speaker 1: have anything left in the tank today. So you you
Speaker 1: your intention is to date, so I think you should
Speaker 1: do it. I'm trying to energetically make space beautiful. I
Speaker 1: love that, Rna. Actually, this has been so fun to
Speaker 1: talk to you. Everyone has been listening and watching. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are, make sure you tag Rna, Ashley and me
Speaker 1: with your biggest insights, takeaways, tips, moments that made you laugh, allowed,
Speaker 1: whatever worked for you, and stuff that you're practicing trying
Speaker 1: out this year as well, And make sure that you
Speaker 1: go and listen to and subscribe to Girls Got to
Speaker 1: Eat as well if you want more of Raina and
Speaker 1: Ashually in your life. Raina actually, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for the opportunity, the joy. So grateful to both of you,
Speaker 1: and thanks for joining on purpose. Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships