WEBVTT - “I CONFRONTED MY DEMON” 0:00:02.240 --> 0:00:04.120 Hello, hey man, what's your name. 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:05.200 My name's Walter. 0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:06.360 I'm Walter. 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:10.119 Yeah, I'm a twenty nine year old male within the 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:11.160 Northern Idaho. 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:15.040 A twenty nine year old male living in Northern Idaho. Hot, 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:18.480 very hot. What's up man, how's it going. What'd you 0:00:18.520 --> 0:00:19.400 want to talk about today? 0:00:19.600 --> 0:00:22.599 Well, I just wanted to tell a little bit in 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:27.640 my story. Started using drugs around about the age of 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:32.440 twelve and had some pretty crazy times and got really 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:37.560 really bad. But I had an awakening. I was probably 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:40.520 about twenty years old, and I was at this house 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:42.400 in the best room that they had to offer me 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:46.320 was a room full of dog shit and dog piss, 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:48.440 and it was like the middle of winter and there 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:51.320 was no heating and cold air was like hitting me 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:54.840 on the face, and I was like laying there high 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:57.120 and I was just like, oh, yeah, this isn't so bad. 0:00:57.520 --> 0:01:01.360 And then I stayed up for about seven days and 0:01:01.520 --> 0:01:08.040 had a really intense hallucination where I argued with this 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:12.520 large creature on the side of a wall, and that 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:18.319 night I decided that I was completely done. Got sober 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:22.920 within three months. I went to college and now I'm 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:26.479 working on my master's degree trying to become a professor. 0:01:27.080 --> 0:01:30.679 So I guess I just wanted to share with people 0:01:30.760 --> 0:01:33.880 that you know, it's not impossible to do what you 0:01:33.920 --> 0:01:35.640 want and you're never too late. 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:39.600 So tell me more about this large creature. What kind 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:40.360 of creature was it? 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:43.319 Yeah, So I did a lot of research into that 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:46.920 because I looked at life from a lot of different perspectives, 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:52.400 and the closest thing I'd come to was Carl Jung, 0:01:54.240 --> 0:01:59.360 German psychologist. He talked about something called the dark Night 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:02.760 of the soul and it's something that everybody has inside 0:02:02.760 --> 0:02:04.840 of them and that at one point in time you 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:08.080 have to confront this dark Night of the soul and 0:02:10.000 --> 0:02:14.959 befriended essentially, because it's not really there to scare you, 0:02:15.040 --> 0:02:18.320 but it's there to help you and you just have 0:02:18.400 --> 0:02:22.200 to learn how to interact with it. So I kind 0:02:22.200 --> 0:02:25.080 of took that away from that interaction and I've been 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:26.440 living with that ever since. 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:29.120 So interesting. So you're dark. 0:02:29.280 --> 0:02:33.120 The dark Knight of the soul for you manifested itself 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:37.799 as a creature on your wall that you argued with. 0:02:39.400 --> 0:02:41.440 Yeah, it was you know, it was death really trying 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:43.200 to tell me. So, the Dark Knight of the soul 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:46.880 is your subconscious. So my darkness of soul was telling 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.400 me that, hey, you know this is this has gone 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:53.040 so very far, and he's like, you know, you just 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:55.400 you need to stop, like you're going to die very 0:02:55.480 --> 0:02:58.360 very soon if you don't. And I almost died two 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:01.359 or three times before and I still didn't wake up. 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:03.760 So that's kind of what it had to come to. 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:07.359 I guess now, the dark night of the soul, once 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:09.720 you make peace with it, does it go away or 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:16.000 do you know, nine years later, still make a stay 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:17.880 in contact with the dark knight of your soul. 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:21.680 Yeah? I know, I've definitely made peace with it over time. 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:25.680 The only trouble that I have sometimes is I take 0:03:25.720 --> 0:03:29.359 some medication for PTSD, and if I get a lack 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:33.639 of sleep and I'm very stressed, I'll tend to see 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:38.240 the figure kind of darting through corridors or past doorways, 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:40.960 or I'll think I'll see it standing in the corner 0:03:40.960 --> 0:03:45.080 of a room, and it's kind of, you know, it's 0:03:45.160 --> 0:03:46.960 kind of there to tell me like, hey, you know 0:03:48.240 --> 0:03:51.080 you're headed in this direction again, maybe you should stop. 0:03:52.280 --> 0:03:53.960 So this is interest because all right, when I think 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:56.760 of the dark Night of the soul and a creature 0:03:56.800 --> 0:03:59.040 on your wall. It sounds like you and the screen 0:03:59.200 --> 0:04:00.840 like I guess I thought I think of like a 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:06.120 nefarious being, But it sounds to me like this creature 0:04:06.240 --> 0:04:10.160 is like you guys are. I'll say, it sounds like 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:13.000 you guys are maybe frenemies, your frenemies with the Dark 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:13.760 Knight of your soul. 0:04:15.080 --> 0:04:18.480 Well, Carl Jung says that everybody has this inside of them. 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:21.080 It's something that we all must face it some time. 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:24.719 And everybody's night looks different. You know, somebody might have 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:29.000 an eating disorder, or has trouble buying too many Pokemon cards, 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:31.000 or really loves McDonald's or whatever. 0:04:31.040 --> 0:04:31.240 You know. 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:33.880 It doesn't have to be an extreme, as you know, 0:04:33.920 --> 0:04:35.000 being a drug addict. 0:04:35.160 --> 0:04:38.120 So that would be crazy if the Dark Knight of 0:04:38.160 --> 0:04:40.760 your Soul was mewtwo and he had to tell you 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:43.160 to stop buying mewtwoe Pokemon cards. 0:04:44.760 --> 0:04:48.279 So hm hm, So so do you still so? 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:55.360 When you take medication for your PTSD, occasionally the hallucinations 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:58.480 will will pop back up, that is correct. 0:04:58.600 --> 0:05:01.240 Yeah, And is that distress for you or is that 0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:04.279 a kind of reminder for you? 0:05:05.920 --> 0:05:08.560 I think it's a little bit of both. I definitely 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:12.919 feel like I crawled so dark and deep into a 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:15.520 place that I almost see it as like a scar 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:18.640 and something that I have to live with for the 0:05:18.640 --> 0:05:20.400 rest of my life. Possibly, So. 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:26.640 M all right, So I want to hear this because 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:30.080 you know, you said you wanted to come on and talk. 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:30.719 About this stuff. 0:05:31.040 --> 0:05:33.680 Uh, sort of as a way of letting people know 0:05:33.800 --> 0:05:36.520 that you know you you can never be too far gone, 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:38.800 which I actually I think is a really great to 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:44.800 take away. So tell me you're twenty, You're sleeping in 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:47.800 dog piss, you have an argument with a creature on 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:50.200 your wall, and you wake up the next morning and 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:51.840 you go, Okay, I'm done. 0:05:51.920 --> 0:05:53.240 I'm turning my life around. 0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:56.880 What's the first couple of days of that look like 0:05:57.080 --> 0:06:00.000 for you? 0:06:00.240 --> 0:06:02.680 My mother let me come back to my to my 0:06:02.760 --> 0:06:06.600 childhood house, and I stayed in my room. In the 0:06:06.640 --> 0:06:10.279 first two days, I had these really nasty hallucinations that 0:06:10.320 --> 0:06:13.680 I would see in the glass and in the glass 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:16.480 that covered my light bulb, and I saw like people 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:19.920 dancing and pointing at me and laughing. And I guess 0:06:20.120 --> 0:06:21.680 at some point in time, I got a hold of 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:24.720 a pair of tonail clippers, and I didn't realize that 0:06:24.760 --> 0:06:26.960 I just kept clipping my toenails over and over and 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:32.600 over again and essentially mutilated my toes. And after about 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:35.400 a week that kind of died down, and then a 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:38.880 couple of weeks in I was able to kind of function. Essentially, 0:06:39.560 --> 0:06:41.599 my brain chemistry was pretty out of whack. 0:06:45.520 --> 0:06:48.960 And I guess what would you say it was the 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:52.520 turning point for you? When was you know, it sounded 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:54.800 like things had to get a little crazy before they 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:58.480 got better, Right, what would you say, is the day 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:01.120 or the moment or even even if there's not a 0:07:01.200 --> 0:07:03.680 day or a moment. And you know, as it typically 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:07.640 is a gradual process of ups and downs, but do 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:11.280 you have something that you point to as like, Okay, 0:07:11.560 --> 0:07:13.640 this is this is where we start to go on 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:15.400 a on a more positive track. 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:21.680 Yeah, it was just I think I think it was 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:24.800 just accumulation over time of just a loss of control. 0:07:26.480 --> 0:07:29.520 I really felt that I had absolutely no control over 0:07:29.640 --> 0:07:34.480 my thoughts or my actions or whatever direction I was 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:37.200 taking in life. And I think it just built up 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:39.920 over time, you know, Like I said earlier, I even 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:43.040 I almost died once in front of my mother and 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.680 then once at another person in a car accident, and 0:07:45.800 --> 0:07:48.240 I was still like, ah, no, this is this is okay. 0:07:48.640 --> 0:07:53.119 You know, I'm still living a pretty good life. So yeah, 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:57.760 so it's kind of interesting, I think, Yeah, I think. 0:07:57.880 --> 0:08:00.160 I don't know. I think I've always believed in some 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:04.720 sort of supernatural and I want to believe that it's 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:07.840 out there and trying to help us. So I don't 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:10.040 know if I was just disregarding everybody else in my 0:08:10.120 --> 0:08:13.240 life and now that I've made some sort of contact 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:17.440 with an entity that I've been looking for, you know, 0:08:17.520 --> 0:08:20.000 hoping would be real. It's like I wish aliens were real. 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:21.600 I wish they would just land already. 0:08:21.360 --> 0:08:22.679 Or something stupid like that. 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:27.440 I've just always been a person that I'm ready for 0:08:28.800 --> 0:08:31.119 the world to be shooken up. Like I don't believe 0:08:31.120 --> 0:08:33.840 it's flattered, But if it's flat, that was pretty cool. 0:08:34.000 --> 0:08:37.880 So you said, if the world were just splat, that 0:08:37.880 --> 0:08:38.520 would be cool. 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:41.960 No, if the world was flat, Oh, if. 0:08:41.840 --> 0:08:44.520 The world was flat? Yeah? You ever think about that? 0:08:44.600 --> 0:08:46.560 Like, do you does any what is there any part 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.840 of your brain that would accept that idea that the 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:50.520 Earth is flat? 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:51.679 Well? 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:53.760 Yeah, I mean think if you look back in time, 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:55.560 you know, people used to think that the world was 0:08:55.600 --> 0:08:58.280 the center of the universe and that people who said 0:08:58.280 --> 0:09:01.040 that wasn't true or said that wasn't true, you know, 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:04.560 they were prosecuted and some of them were killed. I 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:06.480 don't know if the world is flat, but if it is, 0:09:06.559 --> 0:09:09.719 I'm like, hell, yeah, you know, fucking twenty twenty four 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:10.440 will be crazy. 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:13.360 I'm with not I'm with you on that. I think 0:09:13.400 --> 0:09:15.400 it's always. I think, no matter what it's, it's good 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:17.760 to keep an open mind. I think it's good to 0:09:17.880 --> 0:09:21.080 keep an open mind to facts. Oh, now I sound 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:24.520 like one of those podcasters. I think it's good to 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:26.559 keep an open mind to facts. You know, if someone 0:09:26.559 --> 0:09:29.880 tells you the sky is blue, it it could be orange. 0:09:29.920 --> 0:09:30.520 She gives a shit. 0:09:31.720 --> 0:09:34.360 Yeah, so I want to know this. 0:09:36.559 --> 0:09:38.040 Well, how long you been cleaned for. 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:42.640 I'm twenty nine, so it's been eight years. 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:47.720 Nice man, Tell me some of the things that fill 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:53.280 your life in the places that that drugs used to. 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:58.840 Oh. I fell deeply into making art, so I'm becoming 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:03.640 a a professor of fine arts and painting. And I 0:10:03.720 --> 0:10:07.640 spent I spent thousands and thousands of hours drawing and 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:13.160 painting and making collages and sculptures and printmaking and ceramics, 0:10:13.320 --> 0:10:17.040 and I just let it consume me. When I met 0:10:17.040 --> 0:10:19.839 my wife, I told her that I, uh I had 0:10:19.840 --> 0:10:21.920 a second girlfriend, and she laughed at me, and I 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:25.360 told her that her name was art and all the 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:28.680 over time she learned that that was very true. 0:10:29.880 --> 0:10:32.800 Ooh, have you ever I would love to see this 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:37.480 if you have? Have you ever painted the night of 0:10:37.559 --> 0:10:39.160 you arguing with the creature? 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:42.439 Uh? No, I've. 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:46.839 I've always been very afraid too interesting. 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:48.440 I've made a lot of I've made a lot of 0:10:48.440 --> 0:10:52.480 paintings and some very dark ones, but no, I've never 0:10:52.520 --> 0:10:53.439 been able to paint that. 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:58.760 Can I ask why I come off. 0:10:58.640 --> 0:11:02.320 As like a pretty normal guy, Like I'm a very 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:06.400 typical looking, like Idaho guy to wear cowboy booths, that beard, 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:11.800 I wear short hair jeans, you know. But there's this 0:11:11.840 --> 0:11:16.520 whole other site to me that I guess I just 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:18.840 don't really feel like sharing with a lot of people 0:11:18.840 --> 0:11:22.800 because I I don't think that they'll understand, and I 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:26.520 don't really want to take that time to explain interesting. 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:28.480 So you feel like that painting it would be a 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:30.680 bit too personal for you to have out there in 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:31.120 the world. 0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:35.520 Yeah, you know, it's just well, it's just like would 0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:39.080 a catching attraction. I mean, maybe you know, but I 0:11:39.080 --> 0:11:41.920 mean there's a mod of different types of art where 0:11:41.960 --> 0:11:44.320 people have some sort of spooky creature on the wall 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:47.160 or behind them. It's been done for thousands of years, 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:49.560 so it's just kind of like a moment for myself. 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:53.199 I guess that I don't really have to manifest in 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:55.000 some sort of physical form. 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:57.920 See, I'm only asking because when you say that you're 0:11:58.000 --> 0:11:59.760 arguing with a creature on your wall, I'm trying to 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:04.080 imagine what creature it is. And maybe I'm maybe I'm 0:12:04.200 --> 0:12:06.560 biased to this, but I am imagining it as a 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:07.760 giant lizard. 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:13.400 Oh, that's very interesting that you say that. No, I'm 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:20.080 glad you said that, because, yeah, it takes on a 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:22.319 part of it is a lizard or a dragon or 0:12:22.360 --> 0:12:26.840 whatever you want to call it. And yeah, there's I mean, 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:29.440 there's many reasons for that, but that would take an 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:34.160 hour to explain all that. So yeah, there, your your 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:35.679 intuition is correct. 0:12:35.960 --> 0:12:36.360 Mm hmm. 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:39.719 I specifically imagine it looking like Rango. Have you ever 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:41.400 seen the movie Rango? 0:12:43.520 --> 0:12:47.800 No, not quite like Rango. I mean it would be 0:12:47.800 --> 0:12:50.440 a lot more a lot more comic release as it was. 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:54.280 So you have a tell me about your family. Now, 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:56.640 are you still close with your mom and your dad? 0:12:59.120 --> 0:13:01.800 I'm close with my mother. There. I met my father 0:13:01.920 --> 0:13:04.760 last year for the first time, and I spent the 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:07.040 two months last two months of his life with him. 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:13.440 So wow, yeah, you met him, and you met him, 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:16.719 you met him when he was dying. 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:21.040 That is correct. He reached out to me and I 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.480 got to meet him, and I looked exactly like him 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:27.440 and we had the same exact likes. So there's definitely 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:30.960 that nature over nurture thing. It was kind of interesting 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:34.760 to see because I definitely was a lot like him. 0:13:34.800 --> 0:13:38.440 How did you feel when he reached out to you. 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:45.760 I was very upset initially, Yeah, I was. I was 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:48.320 very angry and I wanted to say a lot of 0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:50.720 mean things. But by the time I got there, I 0:13:50.800 --> 0:13:54.360 was kind of all dissipated after seeing him, and you know, 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:55.800 he was he was very sick. 0:13:57.360 --> 0:13:59.760 Mhm. Do you feel like. 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:06.920 You had a significant shift in perspective after spending those 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:10.120 last two months with him, and if so, how would 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:11.640 you describe that shift. 0:14:13.559 --> 0:14:13.800 Yeah. 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:16.200 The biggest shift in perspective I would say is that, 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:21.120 you know, my mother, who raised me, essentially sent me 0:14:21.160 --> 0:14:25.440 a narrative for very long and I got to see 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:28.480 the other side of that narrative and kind of saw 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:33.040 where things overlapped and where things didn't. And so now 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:35.960 my relationship with my mother is slightly different, not in 0:14:36.040 --> 0:14:37.000 a negative way. 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:37.080 But. 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:43.680 I approach her and much more mature in manner. I guess. 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:47.480 You were saying, and I cut you off because I 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:48.960 wanted to ask you more about your father, but you 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:51.480 were saying your mother, your father, and there was something 0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:52.360 else you were going to say. 0:14:52.440 --> 0:14:54.560 I believe, Oh, yeah. 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:56.640 I just had my well, I had my father, I 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.640 had my mother, and my sister and my grandmother. That's 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:00.760 feeling family that I have. 0:15:01.880 --> 0:15:02.320 Mm hmm. 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:04.720 What's what's the deal with the sister and the grandma? 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:06.920 Are you close with them? 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:12.600 My grandmother is from she's from Old World Austria, so 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:20.680 she has a very particular view on the world that's 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:28.800 not not liked by most. And my sister she's she's whatever. 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:30.680 She has a lot going on too, she has a 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:34.760 lot of psychological issues. But yeah, and then my mother, 0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:35.920 she's a psychologist. 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:40.680 Out of all the things, your mother's a psychologist. 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:43.040 Yeah, that is correct. 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:45.240 Yeah, when you when you were a kid, when you 0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:49.280 were twenty, when you were twenty and you said to 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:54.200 her that you were arguing with a creature on your wall. 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:58.840 What did she say to you? I guess did she 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:01.360 have a psycho just point of view on that. 0:16:03.240 --> 0:16:05.720 No, because I've been I've been saying wild things to 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:09.680 her ever since I was very, very young. It started 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:13.280 when I was about about like six or seven. I 0:16:13.400 --> 0:16:16.720 used to know sleep at night time, and I would 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:19.160 stay up all night long, and I was just terrified. 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:22.480 And I would go downstairs in the middle of the 0:16:22.600 --> 0:16:25.280 night and I would look in the mirror and I 0:16:25.280 --> 0:16:28.360 would touch my face because I couldn't understand what I 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:31.880 was and I didn't I didn't know what I was 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:34.480 looking at. So I tried to expect that to my 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:37.160 mom as a child, and she didn't really understand. And 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:41.760 as I got older, just more weird things started happening, 0:16:41.880 --> 0:16:45.760 and I just kind of became more withdrawing. 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:52.080 So how long you've been with your girlfriend for? 0:16:54.280 --> 0:16:56.840 Well, I'm married now. I've been with her for five 0:16:56.880 --> 0:16:57.840 and a half years. 0:16:58.160 --> 0:16:59.600 Oh, your master, she's your wife. 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:02.240 Yeah, sure, we got married a year and a half ago. 0:17:03.120 --> 0:17:07.919 Maztov, thank you very much. Did you invite the lizard 0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:08.879 creature to the wedding. 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:13.159 I don't have to invite him. He's always with me. 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:15.399 Yeah, I bet he would give a hell of a 0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:16.359 best man speech. 0:17:17.720 --> 0:17:22.040 He probably would. He's definitely seen me when most people haven't, 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:28.000 So I just my wife never has to meet him. 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:30.000 Are you guys, Are you guys planning on having kids 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:31.840 or anything like that, Like, what's what is your what 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:32.959 is your plan for the future. 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:37.040 Yeah, we would love to have kids, but unfortunately my 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:41.280 wife can't have kids, and so we have to look 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:45.680 at the idea of adoption, which cool will probably happen 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:46.680 in your future. 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:55.560 Yeah, and you're you are currently a professor of fine art. 0:17:56.040 --> 0:18:00.159 No, I'm getting close. I'm completing my master's degree right now. 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:01.680 Then the next step is professor. 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:07.160 Now, when people take your classt's say, I'm a bright eyed, 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:16.600 soft tongued art student boy and I come into your class. Uh, 0:18:17.320 --> 0:18:21.320 my brain ready to soak in your wisdom. What would 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:28.399 you say is the the ideology or main idea or 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:35.600 a thesis that you want to install into people through 0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:37.879 your teaching of the of the arts. 0:18:39.760 --> 0:18:46.040 That's a really good question, Thank you. I want to 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:47.680 say it in few words as possible, because I could 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:51.240 definitely ramble, But the basics of it would be to 0:18:51.960 --> 0:18:57.359 you know, explore many many different perspectives, even ones that 0:18:58.040 --> 0:19:03.200 might bother you in some way or form, but also 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:07.639 to remember that you're human and to be humbled by 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:11.480 that experience. So, no matter what sort of fame or recognition, 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:15.560 you get to kind of grasp the idea that this 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:20.080 moment is a blipping time and that we're here for 0:19:20.160 --> 0:19:26.120 everyone around us and just not ourselves. M I like that, man, 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:27.800 Thank you. 0:19:29.040 --> 0:19:31.040 What do you have any art projects coming up on 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:33.480 a personal level that that you're excited about that you 0:19:33.520 --> 0:19:36.439 want to talk about or or yeah, anything like that. 0:19:38.080 --> 0:19:41.560 Yeah. So I'm currently painting a bunch of landscapes with 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:45.679 really pretty clouds at sunset time for a gallery in 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:46.439 southern Idaho. 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:53.360 Very nice, you know. I'm actually I'm seeing a few 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:55.400 questions in the chat. A few people in the chat 0:19:55.560 --> 0:19:57.720 want to want to talk to you about. So does 0:19:58.000 --> 0:20:01.000 anyone in the chat have any ques questions? I see 0:20:01.000 --> 0:20:03.960 one off the bat and chat. You can feel free 0:20:04.000 --> 0:20:04.840 to ask some questions. 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:05.320 I'll pick some. 0:20:05.480 --> 0:20:08.280 But somebody says, hey, GEK, can you ask how this 0:20:08.320 --> 0:20:11.560 guy keeps going despite his struggles? 0:20:13.280 --> 0:20:19.200 Yeah, that's a really tough one. I think my curiosity 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:27.000 of being alive outweighs my fear of the unknown. I 0:20:27.080 --> 0:20:29.840 have to stop myself sometimes because I'll have an existential 0:20:29.880 --> 0:20:33.520 crisis about every five minutes just looking at the profoundness 0:20:33.520 --> 0:20:37.520 of everything. It can be very overwhelming, from you know, 0:20:37.560 --> 0:20:41.760 a door to a cat to a person to quantum 0:20:41.760 --> 0:20:46.560 physics and space X and you know it just you know, 0:20:46.640 --> 0:20:50.840 it just snowballs from there. But I'm an extremely curious person, 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:52.240 very very curious. 0:20:53.920 --> 0:20:54.080 Yeah. 0:20:54.080 --> 0:20:55.440 I feel like if you're making art, you got to 0:20:55.440 --> 0:20:58.879 stay curious or else you'll just, you know, pump it 0:20:58.920 --> 0:20:59.920 out like it's content. 0:21:00.880 --> 0:21:02.840 Do you ever look at your art as content? 0:21:04.400 --> 0:21:07.359 Yeah? So the clouds and sunsets that I'm making, I 0:21:07.440 --> 0:21:11.240 call it prairie porn because everybody in Idaho. Everybody in 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:15.159 Idaho likes fields and sunsets and barns. So yeah, it 0:21:15.280 --> 0:21:16.200 sells really well. 0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:23.159 Somebody says, question, I am twenty two, and I have 0:21:23.200 --> 0:21:26.919 a very similar lived experience. I am in Idaho as well, 0:21:27.400 --> 0:21:30.000 and I wonder if it's good for our mental health. 0:21:30.640 --> 0:21:33.040 I don't know if that's that. I don't actually think 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:35.080 that's a question. I think the I don't know If 0:21:35.119 --> 0:21:38.359 that's a question, I think the question might be, is 0:21:38.440 --> 0:21:40.720 living in Idaho good for your mental health? 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:46.359 Oh? Yeah, I absolutely love living in Idaho. I hunt 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:50.560 and I fish, and I forage for the different berries 0:21:50.600 --> 0:21:53.560 and plums and apples throughout the time of the year. 0:21:53.640 --> 0:21:58.320 And it's a very grounding experience for people who suffer 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:04.000 from anxiety or PTS or depression. Nature has a very 0:22:04.480 --> 0:22:05.440 chilling quality. 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:08.480 I like that because I would have thought that moving 0:22:08.480 --> 0:22:12.000 to Idaho, and I'm sorry, but i would have initially 0:22:12.000 --> 0:22:14.520 thought that moving to Idaho would be the cause of depression. 0:22:14.960 --> 0:22:16.919 But now I'm glad to hear that it is. It 0:22:17.040 --> 0:22:20.080 is cured your depression. That actually is a really cool 0:22:20.080 --> 0:22:22.680 life that you're living. Man, You're fucking forging for berries 0:22:22.720 --> 0:22:26.320 and hunting barefoot and doing that is pretty cool. That 0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:29.200 is pretty cool. I wish I wish I could do 0:22:29.240 --> 0:22:29.920 all that stuff. 0:22:30.480 --> 0:22:33.240 Well, I mean, I guess the things that I'm doing 0:22:33.280 --> 0:22:37.360 are just are what's accessible to me. So depending on 0:22:37.400 --> 0:22:42.679 your geographical placement, you know, everybody has different accessibilities. You know, 0:22:42.680 --> 0:22:44.879 whether you live in a city or a small town, 0:22:45.200 --> 0:22:48.240 or next to the ocean or in the desert, you know, 0:22:48.320 --> 0:22:50.919 everybody has something unique that they can interact with. 0:22:51.280 --> 0:22:54.679 It's also I think Idaho's where Napoleon Dynamite was filmed, 0:22:55.480 --> 0:22:56.439 So that's that correct. 0:22:57.640 --> 0:22:59.879 Yeah, my painting professor was from that town. 0:23:00.920 --> 0:23:01.960 All right, We've got one more. 0:23:02.240 --> 0:23:06.400 Who are the people who inspire you the most? 0:23:07.720 --> 0:23:17.200 I would say, uh, Leonardo da Vinci, Carl Young, uh J. F. Kennedy, 0:23:18.440 --> 0:23:28.760 Albert Einstein, Salvador Dali, Martin Luzu King Junior, and maybe 0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:31.520 my mother. 0:23:31.840 --> 0:23:35.800 That's sweet, man, that's really sweet, you know. Okay, I 0:23:35.840 --> 0:23:37.679 have I have a final question, And if you're not 0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:41.199 comfortable with this, that's totally fine, but I appreciate you 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:43.240 telling your story. I think you're a pretty cool guy 0:23:43.280 --> 0:23:46.919 and I personally would love to check out some of 0:23:46.960 --> 0:23:49.119 your your paintings and some of your work. Do you 0:23:49.200 --> 0:23:53.439 have a website or an Instagram or anything where like 0:23:53.480 --> 0:23:57.320 people who heard this and think that and also think 0:23:57.320 --> 0:24:00.280 that you're a cool guy and want to hear want 0:24:00.280 --> 0:24:02.000 to see your stuff, anything that we can check out. 0:24:03.520 --> 0:24:08.280 Yeah, I do have a website, so it's Joseph Jeroski 0:24:08.600 --> 0:24:13.199 art dot com. J O S E. S j A 0:24:13.640 --> 0:24:17.440 r O s k i art dot com. 0:24:17.760 --> 0:24:19.920 Great do you are? Is that your Instagram? Too. 0:24:20.320 --> 0:24:23.080 Most I feel like websites, I'm in them. Do you 0:24:23.119 --> 0:24:24.120 do you Instagram at all? 0:24:25.280 --> 0:24:25.399 No? 0:24:25.680 --> 0:24:28.639 Yeah, I I I shy away from social media. 0:24:28.960 --> 0:24:29.320 You know what. 0:24:29.359 --> 0:24:31.399 That's for the best. That's for the best. There's a 0:24:31.560 --> 0:24:33.560 there are a lot of dark knights on social media 0:24:33.640 --> 0:24:34.159 to avoid. 0:24:35.520 --> 0:24:37.080 Give me that, give me that. What spell that out 0:24:37.080 --> 0:24:38.080 for me one more time? 0:24:38.960 --> 0:24:41.879 Oh yeah, So it's Joseph j O. S E. S 0:24:42.760 --> 0:24:46.840 j A R O s k i art dot com, 0:24:46.960 --> 0:24:49.440 Joseph Geroski art dot com. 0:24:49.560 --> 0:24:52.280 Beautiful Joseph. Thank you very very much. I'm sorry I 0:24:52.400 --> 0:24:54.280 doxed you. I know you started this as Walter, but 0:24:56.240 --> 0:24:57.359 I hope that's is that cool? 0:24:58.680 --> 0:25:01.440 Yeah? Yeah, thank you get I I I appreciate this. 0:25:01.680 --> 0:25:04.520 It's uh, it's been a very profound experience that I'll 0:25:04.600 --> 0:25:06.440 like the list of the rest of them. 0:25:06.480 --> 0:25:08.119 Anything else you want to say to the people of 0:25:08.160 --> 0:25:09.240 the computer before. 0:25:08.960 --> 0:25:13.960 We go, remember to love yourself. 0:25:14.920 --> 0:25:17.840 Yeah, thank you, Walter. Having the rest of the night, 0:25:19.040 --> 0:25:26.600 it is back leaving that. That was really cool. I 0:25:26.600 --> 0:25:29.760 really enjoyed talking to that guy that that. Honestly, that 0:25:29.800 --> 0:25:32.359 was one of my favorite conversations I've had on this 0:25:32.400 --> 0:25:34.800 podcast in a long time. Like I was super cool, 0:25:34.880 --> 0:25:38.639 super humble. I'm excited to check out his paintings. Uh, folks, 0:25:38.680 --> 0:25:40.600 if you're listening to this, go check out his paintings. 0:25:40.640 --> 0:25:42.120 I'm I I. 0:25:41.760 --> 0:25:43.760 I haven't I'm gonna I'm gonna take a look myself 0:25:43.800 --> 0:25:47.520 once I'm once I'm out of here recording this. But yeah, 0:25:47.520 --> 0:25:50.160 that was a great story. I like I I do 0:25:50.240 --> 0:25:54.280 love the general message that you aren't you. You can 0:25:54.320 --> 0:25:58.120 never ever be too far gone, that you cannot return 0:25:58.240 --> 0:26:06.920 to a place of of prosperity in life and personal 0:26:06.960 --> 0:26:09.520 achievement and all that stuff, no matter how much dog 0:26:09.600 --> 0:26:13.199 pissed or lying in. So shout out to Walter for 0:26:13.240 --> 0:26:17.280 being the living proof of that, and also shout out 0:26:17.280 --> 0:26:20.560 to Walter for giving me a new personal goal, which 0:26:20.600 --> 0:26:23.840 is to be the creature on somebody's wall that they 0:26:23.840 --> 0:26:28.560 are arguing with during an episode. So if anyone is 0:26:29.080 --> 0:26:34.240 looking for scary lizards to haunt their dreams, please reach 0:26:34.280 --> 0:26:34.639 out to me. 0:26:36.359 --> 0:26:37.560 Hey, folks, this is Lyle. 0:26:37.800 --> 0:26:40.479 I am very excited to announce that I am going 0:26:40.680 --> 0:26:44.320 back on tour in twenty twenty four to do Therapy 0:26:44.359 --> 0:26:47.479 Gecko live all across the country. If you've never been 0:26:47.520 --> 0:26:49.960 to one of my live shows, before. They're basically like 0:26:50.119 --> 0:26:54.960 giant group gecko therapy sessions where people from the audience 0:26:55.280 --> 0:26:59.000 come on stage to talk to a gecko about whatever 0:26:59.040 --> 0:27:02.360 they want, just like we do right here on the podcast. 0:27:02.640 --> 0:27:07.359 Plus I mix in a few stories and presentations and 0:27:07.359 --> 0:27:12.040 little tidbits from my own life. Tickets are available right 0:27:12.040 --> 0:27:16.520 now at therapy geckotour dot com, or you can find 0:27:16.560 --> 0:27:20.080 the link in the episode description. I'm announcing many more 0:27:20.119 --> 0:27:22.440 cities in the second half of the year, but right 0:27:22.480 --> 0:27:27.760 now tickets are on sale. Four Phoenix, Arizona, Louisville, Kentucky, 0:27:28.040 --> 0:27:37.680 Saint Louis, Missouri, Orlando, Florida, Tampa, Florida, Miami, Florida, Boston, Massachusetts, Denver, Colorado, Syracuse, 0:27:37.800 --> 0:27:42.879 New York, Albany, New York, Hartford, Connecticut, Las Vegas, Nevada, 0:27:43.080 --> 0:27:51.160 Salt Lake City, Utah, Nashville, Tennessee, Huntsville, Alabama, Chicago, Illinois, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 0:27:51.520 --> 0:27:58.639 San Jose, California, San Francisco, California, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington. 0:27:58.840 --> 0:28:01.240 And you can get tickets for all of those cities 0:28:01.480 --> 0:28:05.040 at therapy geckotour dot com. If you didn't hear me 0:28:05.080 --> 0:28:07.160 say your city, you can still go to the link 0:28:07.240 --> 0:28:10.640 and hit the RSVP button to get notified for when 0:28:10.640 --> 0:28:13.200 I do come to your city in the second half 0:28:13.320 --> 0:28:15.920 of the year. This is my third tour so far, 0:28:16.359 --> 0:28:18.639 and I think it's going to be sick, so I 0:28:18.680 --> 0:28:19.520 hope to see you there. 0:28:19.800 --> 0:28:20.680 Thanks. 0:28:22.240 --> 0:28:22.520 Hello. 0:28:22.960 --> 0:28:23.600 What's your name? 0:28:24.200 --> 0:28:24.560 John? 0:28:24.840 --> 0:28:27.120 John? What's up? What's going on? 0:28:27.240 --> 0:28:27.639 What's up? 0:28:27.760 --> 0:28:30.840 Man? You know, just uh, just living. 0:28:32.200 --> 0:28:37.960 What you want to talk about today, Well, I. 0:28:37.960 --> 0:28:45.840 Really just want to talk about how I'm really addicted 0:28:45.880 --> 0:28:51.680 to porn. HM just can't ever stop watching it every 0:28:51.720 --> 0:28:55.440 single night, every single day. Probably jerk off three times a. 0:28:55.480 --> 0:29:02.600 Day, Holy shows three times a day. Addicted, Well, three 0:29:02.720 --> 0:29:06.160 is a short day, I'm oh. 0:29:06.240 --> 0:29:10.120 I mean, you know I've had I've had several three 0:29:10.160 --> 0:29:12.840 timer days myself. 0:29:13.240 --> 0:29:15.280 So I guess does that make you addicted? 0:29:17.000 --> 0:29:19.920 Well, I mean I don't know if you would put 0:29:19.960 --> 0:29:22.920 it addicted. I mean three times a day, four, sometimes five. 0:29:24.320 --> 0:29:24.480 You know. 0:29:25.600 --> 0:29:28.760 Here's what I've found is I typically typically when I'm 0:29:28.800 --> 0:29:31.840 jerking off three times a day, it's because I'm not 0:29:32.560 --> 0:29:35.640 doing anything, you know, like, what do you what do 0:29:35.640 --> 0:29:36.400 you do all day? 0:29:36.640 --> 0:29:39.760 Because if you've got the trick, the trick is to live. 0:29:39.600 --> 0:29:41.640 A life where you don't have time to jerk off 0:29:42.040 --> 0:29:44.360 three times a day or like you know, you go 0:29:44.400 --> 0:29:46.800 to work at a coffee shop or something, because then 0:29:46.840 --> 0:29:49.320 you can't well I guess you theoretically can't, but you'd 0:29:49.360 --> 0:29:50.520 get arrested. 0:29:51.720 --> 0:29:54.360 Right right. It's not like I'm I'm lazy. I have 0:29:54.440 --> 0:29:57.640 a job, I go to the gym every day, and 0:29:57.720 --> 0:30:00.360 I just still have fine time at work on my 0:30:00.480 --> 0:30:07.520 break in the bathroom. After that, I'll go. If I'm 0:30:07.560 --> 0:30:09.480 at a restaurant for more than an hour, I'll go 0:30:09.520 --> 0:30:13.160 to the bathroom in a restaurant. Yeah, it's not just 0:30:13.240 --> 0:30:16.440 at home, and at home as well, I mean every night. 0:30:18.840 --> 0:30:23.880 Are you excusing yourself from like family dinners did talk off? 0:30:26.080 --> 0:30:27.360 Yeah, every once in a while. 0:30:27.720 --> 0:30:29.520 So let's get all right, why do you think you're 0:30:29.520 --> 0:30:29.920 doing this? 0:30:31.640 --> 0:30:36.280 Well, I don't have a girlfriend, and I think even 0:30:36.360 --> 0:30:38.920 if I did, even when I did, I would still 0:30:39.360 --> 0:30:43.520 jerk off multiple times a day, Okay, and no matter 0:30:43.520 --> 0:30:47.520 if I had sex or not, it was just the 0:30:47.560 --> 0:30:50.080 dopamine release is just too much. Yeah. 0:30:50.360 --> 0:30:52.280 Yeah, are you stressed? 0:30:54.920 --> 0:31:04.320 Stressed every once? Everyone's stressed, right, Yeah? Sure, I just 0:31:04.360 --> 0:31:08.360 want to find a way to slow down or limit 0:31:08.400 --> 0:31:11.520 myself from four to five times a day to maybe 0:31:11.640 --> 0:31:13.640 one or less. 0:31:14.000 --> 0:31:17.640 You're addicted to the dopamine release. Well, okay, so it's funny, right, 0:31:17.720 --> 0:31:20.080 because this is a problem. I've started to learn this, 0:31:20.320 --> 0:31:25.600 Like I've been listening to this guy, Andrew Huberman, and 0:31:26.360 --> 0:31:31.120 he really makes my podcast look like a first grader 0:31:31.280 --> 0:31:34.640 made it. Because your problem, it could actually be solved 0:31:34.640 --> 0:31:38.400 through like the scientific method, and someone could explain, here's 0:31:38.440 --> 0:31:42.200 why you were chasing this dopamine release, and you know, 0:31:43.240 --> 0:31:49.520 here's ways to fulfill your desires with less as you 0:31:49.560 --> 0:31:53.280 classified destructive behavior. I don't know how to do in 0:31:53.320 --> 0:31:56.200 that stuff because I'm a gecko, but we can try. 0:31:56.640 --> 0:31:59.360 What does anything give you the same feeling? 0:31:59.600 --> 0:32:04.520 Like what releases positive feelings and dopamine in your brain? 0:32:04.600 --> 0:32:04.840 For you? 0:32:07.560 --> 0:32:11.640 Accomplishing hard tasks probably is number one. Doing things I 0:32:11.640 --> 0:32:13.440 don't want to do. After you do them, of course 0:32:13.480 --> 0:32:15.600 you feel so good about it and we're jerking off. 0:32:15.640 --> 0:32:18.280 It's the fastest and easiest way possible. That's why I 0:32:18.320 --> 0:32:19.120 do it so often. 0:32:19.600 --> 0:32:22.240 Ah, I know, right, I know, it's like the classic 0:32:22.360 --> 0:32:24.480 thing of any time. If I have like a difficult 0:32:24.560 --> 0:32:27.040 task to do, or like a difficult day ahead of me, 0:32:27.560 --> 0:32:29.400 I mean that's it, right is you want to just 0:32:29.480 --> 0:32:32.040 you want to find the fastest way to release the 0:32:32.280 --> 0:32:34.360 good chemicals in your brain, and that's what does it 0:32:35.560 --> 0:32:40.160 exactly so, But I mean that's just another like a 0:32:40.200 --> 0:32:44.960 way that we gotta we gotta overcome, no pun intended. 0:32:45.280 --> 0:32:49.320 We got to overcome our tendency to overcome. 0:32:51.920 --> 0:32:56.960 Well, what what advice would you give to stop or 0:32:57.040 --> 0:32:57.680 or slow down? 0:32:58.360 --> 0:33:01.480 Jesus man, I'm because it's not even peorn. 0:33:01.560 --> 0:33:03.680 Sometimes I can just go in the bathroom if I'm 0:33:03.680 --> 0:33:07.440 at a restaurant, it'll be listening to the guy in 0:33:07.480 --> 0:33:10.320 who you're antle next to me, and uh, you know 0:33:10.440 --> 0:33:12.240 they notice, but I just can't stop. 0:33:12.920 --> 0:33:15.040 Well that's the thing, right is I? This is more? 0:33:15.080 --> 0:33:17.360 This is this is a difficult one because if for me, 0:33:17.600 --> 0:33:19.680 I like I like I said, I find that the 0:33:19.720 --> 0:33:22.400 more busy I am, the less I'm jerking off. So 0:33:22.440 --> 0:33:24.040 I'm trying to find more ways to be busy. But 0:33:24.080 --> 0:33:26.520 it sounds like to you, even when you are busy, 0:33:26.560 --> 0:33:29.880 you will excuse yourself from your busy to go jerk off. 0:33:30.200 --> 0:33:32.520 So it's like a busy isn't a problem. 0:33:33.040 --> 0:33:37.120 Yeah, it's just the the compulsion of two hours have 0:33:37.240 --> 0:33:40.640 gone by and it's edging at me, literally edging. But 0:33:40.720 --> 0:33:42.400 I don't I bust every time. 0:33:43.400 --> 0:33:46.240 Very cool. Do you have a therapist? You have a 0:33:46.280 --> 0:33:46.800 real one? 0:33:47.520 --> 0:33:48.960 Oh no, no, I don't. 0:33:49.560 --> 0:33:51.280 I'm curious what they would have to say about this. 0:33:51.760 --> 0:33:54.040 I mean, I this is such a platitude. But like you, 0:33:54.040 --> 0:33:56.840 I would fire you. I mean, look up online. Right, 0:33:56.880 --> 0:33:59.200 There's gotta be something. There's gotta be some chemicals going 0:33:59.200 --> 0:34:04.400 on in your brain that just need quick monkey hits 0:34:04.440 --> 0:34:06.520 of dopamine that you just aren't getting. 0:34:06.560 --> 0:34:08.200 I mean, all right, let me ask you this. Let 0:34:08.200 --> 0:34:11.680 me ask you some questions. When you're at a restaurant 0:34:11.840 --> 0:34:13.759 and you're going to go jerk off, who are you with? 0:34:13.960 --> 0:34:16.319 What's what? Set the scene for me? 0:34:16.360 --> 0:34:19.800 Set the scene right before you excuse yourself to the bathroom. 0:34:20.719 --> 0:34:25.160 Okay, okay. The most recent time, three days ago, had 0:34:25.200 --> 0:34:30.839 dinner with my grandparents. We were sitting there. We were 0:34:30.880 --> 0:34:34.600 sitting there about ten twenty minutes in. Food hasn't come 0:34:34.640 --> 0:34:39.239 out yet. I'm sitting there they you know, grandparents. Man, 0:34:39.360 --> 0:34:42.319 No matter what you say, it's just so boring. So 0:34:42.960 --> 0:34:46.399 I'm waiting. I think, well, before my food comes out, 0:34:47.080 --> 0:34:48.440 I can go get a bust. 0:34:48.120 --> 0:34:59.120 In Okay, So this is a dinner that you're excusing 0:34:59.160 --> 0:35:01.920 yourself from to go jerk off because the dinner is 0:35:01.920 --> 0:35:03.520 not particularly engaging. 0:35:03.040 --> 0:35:04.960 To you exactly. 0:35:05.600 --> 0:35:08.120 Okay, all right, I'm gonna go ahead and say that 0:35:08.239 --> 0:35:12.480 doesn't count. That doesn't count as an engaging activity. It 0:35:12.520 --> 0:35:16.960 definitely counts as as jerking off. Okay, And then what 0:35:17.080 --> 0:35:19.280 else are you? You're at work? Right, and I assume 0:35:19.280 --> 0:35:20.600 it you're at work. I don't know if you like 0:35:20.640 --> 0:35:21.959 your job or not. Do you like your job? 0:35:23.040 --> 0:35:24.680 Oh no, it's very boring. 0:35:25.200 --> 0:35:29.239 Okay, So you're born because you're not you're busy with 0:35:29.360 --> 0:35:33.080 like yeah, so you're busy. So you're you. 0:35:33.920 --> 0:35:36.600 What I am hearing from you is that your life 0:35:36.800 --> 0:35:39.880 as it is is not particularly stimulating, hanging out with 0:35:39.920 --> 0:35:41.799 your grandparents and going to this job that you hate. 0:35:42.120 --> 0:35:44.360 So in order to get doping, in order to get stimulation, 0:35:44.520 --> 0:35:46.600 you you you jerk off five times a day. 0:35:48.760 --> 0:35:51.120 Yeah, it sounds sounds pretty right. 0:35:51.680 --> 0:35:52.160 All right. 0:35:52.719 --> 0:35:56.320 So the question is that this is no small question 0:35:56.560 --> 0:36:00.640 to answer, and it is the question, and it's how 0:36:00.680 --> 0:36:02.520 do you find how do you create a life that 0:36:02.600 --> 0:36:05.520 is more stimulating for yourself so that you're not jacking off? 0:36:05.600 --> 0:36:10.319 Every five seconds. 0:36:11.520 --> 0:36:14.720 Well, I could find a job that I enjoyed better 0:36:15.120 --> 0:36:18.720 and like going to, but I still think I would 0:36:18.760 --> 0:36:24.359 excuse myself and find even create time for jerking off. 0:36:24.920 --> 0:36:27.040 Yeah, but you don't. But that's the thing, though, is 0:36:27.080 --> 0:36:32.719 that you can find replacements for jerking off. Like, do 0:36:32.719 --> 0:36:33.880 you know what the flow state is? 0:36:35.239 --> 0:36:35.640 Uh? No. 0:36:36.320 --> 0:36:39.399 The flow state is like the state of mind when 0:36:39.440 --> 0:36:42.239 you're like doing an activity, and that could be like 0:36:42.320 --> 0:36:45.040 working or having a conversation, or playing a sport or 0:36:45.040 --> 0:36:49.359 anything like that, where you are fully engrossed in the activity. Right, 0:36:49.400 --> 0:36:52.360 You're not thinking about anything else. You are fully present 0:36:52.400 --> 0:36:55.480 and where you are, right, do you have anything in 0:36:55.520 --> 0:36:58.080 your life that gets you into that place where you're 0:36:58.160 --> 0:36:58.880 you're really. 0:36:58.680 --> 0:37:06.000 Present the only thing on present in jerking off? 0:37:06.239 --> 0:37:10.560 Yeah, so well that's what we gotta do. 0:37:10.600 --> 0:37:13.000 I I guess we gotta find something for you that 0:37:13.160 --> 0:37:15.640 gets you as uh in the present. 0:37:16.400 --> 0:37:17.040 And that's what we wan. 0:37:17.120 --> 0:37:19.600 That's why orgasm feels so good. That's what all we want. 0:37:19.640 --> 0:37:24.040 All we want is to be in the presence, whether 0:37:24.080 --> 0:37:28.840 it's with people or with heroin, or with a sandwich 0:37:29.480 --> 0:37:33.000 or with jerking off. All we want, all we want 0:37:33.080 --> 0:37:36.880 as people is to just feel like we're actually fucking 0:37:37.160 --> 0:37:40.280 here and we're not depressed about the past or anxious 0:37:40.320 --> 0:37:44.000 about the future. We're fucking here, whether it's because we're 0:37:44.120 --> 0:37:47.680 orgasming or or because when you're having lunch with your 0:37:47.760 --> 0:37:50.319 with your grandparents, your head is in the clouds. You're 0:37:50.360 --> 0:37:52.759 not here, You're in fucking space, and so to get 0:37:52.800 --> 0:37:55.560 your head back down to Earth, you you jack off 0:37:56.000 --> 0:37:58.880 because you're in your there. So so we just gotta 0:37:58.920 --> 0:38:02.000 find like, what what's gonna get you back on planet 0:38:02.040 --> 0:38:05.799 fucking Earth right, What's gonna make you feel like you're here? 0:38:06.000 --> 0:38:08.400 And that could be hanging out with people who are 0:38:08.480 --> 0:38:12.200 more interesting than your grandparents, so that you know, people 0:38:12.200 --> 0:38:14.560 who don't literally bore you so much that you need 0:38:14.600 --> 0:38:19.319 to go jack off, or a job that doesn't bore 0:38:19.360 --> 0:38:21.160 you enough that you have to go jack off. Just 0:38:21.160 --> 0:38:22.840 like what's gonna And I don't know, we're not gonna 0:38:22.880 --> 0:38:26.520 answer this on the phone call unless if you have ideas. 0:38:26.560 --> 0:38:30.200 But that's that's the that's my diagnosis to you is 0:38:30.280 --> 0:38:35.280 find something that gets your head. 0:38:35.680 --> 0:38:36.440 On the planet. 0:38:36.760 --> 0:38:39.160 You know, that's why that's why you're jerking off so much, 0:38:39.239 --> 0:38:42.480 just because it makes you feel here and presence. You know. 0:38:42.560 --> 0:38:42.959 That's why. 0:38:43.040 --> 0:38:45.040 That's why, that's why I jerk off when I when 0:38:45.040 --> 0:38:48.440 I get anxious, is because it it takes my brain 0:38:48.480 --> 0:38:51.080 away from the future and away from the past and 0:38:51.200 --> 0:38:54.480 right goddamn here in the orgasm. And that's why I 0:38:54.800 --> 0:38:57.160 eat stuff that that that's bad for you is because 0:38:57.160 --> 0:38:59.800 it takes your brain right away, just just in the presence. 0:38:59.840 --> 0:39:03.640 So what what will get your brain in the present? 0:39:03.880 --> 0:39:08.120 I don't know, but there are things and hopefully you 0:39:08.120 --> 0:39:08.920 can figure them out. 0:39:10.400 --> 0:39:11.480 I hope so as well. 0:39:13.120 --> 0:39:14.840 What's what kind of porn do you watch? No, we 0:39:14.920 --> 0:39:16.520 don't answer that. What's your name again? 0:39:16.600 --> 0:39:17.400 John? 0:39:18.040 --> 0:39:18.360 John? 0:39:19.040 --> 0:39:21.920 John? It was this conversation of Eddie marginal help to you? 0:39:24.239 --> 0:39:25.200 It could have helped. 0:39:27.320 --> 0:39:28.920 What do I feel like you jacked off during the 0:39:28.960 --> 0:39:37.160 whole time while I was talking to you? Don't play 0:39:37.239 --> 0:39:38.040 this game with all right? 0:39:38.080 --> 0:39:39.319 Anyway? All right, John? 0:39:39.400 --> 0:39:40.400 Is there anything else you want to say to the 0:39:40.440 --> 0:39:41.640 people of the computer before we go? 0:39:43.200 --> 0:39:45.360 What do I say to the people love the computer? 0:39:47.560 --> 0:39:51.439 Jack off less? And uh, that's about it. I think 0:39:51.520 --> 0:39:53.439 I was edging the entire call. 0:39:53.640 --> 0:39:55.200 So get the fuck out of here, get the fuck 0:39:55.200 --> 0:39:57.160 out of he all right, Thanks John, God bless you. 0:40:01.960 --> 0:40:08.440 Hello, Hi there. What's your name? Yes, Hi, how are you? Oh, 0:40:08.480 --> 0:40:09.640 I'm okay, how are you? 0:40:11.360 --> 0:40:11.920 I'm good. 0:40:12.120 --> 0:40:15.560 I'm actually shocked that you called me. This is my 0:40:15.560 --> 0:40:17.920 first day trying to call. But I have been listening 0:40:17.960 --> 0:40:21.880 to you for a while now. I started listening listening 0:40:21.920 --> 0:40:26.720 on like Apple podcasts, but now I downloaded Twitch. 0:40:29.080 --> 0:40:29.799 Cool cool cool. 0:40:29.840 --> 0:40:34.759 Well, thanks for thanks for being here, Thanks for you know, look, 0:40:34.800 --> 0:40:38.600 you didn't have to download all that crap, and you did, 0:40:39.360 --> 0:40:45.480 and that's that's that's pretty cool. So I'm gonna call you. 0:40:47.400 --> 0:40:49.879 I'm gonna call you Jessica. That's a fun name. That's 0:40:49.880 --> 0:40:53.080 my dogs. It's my old dog's name. She's dead, she's 0:40:53.080 --> 0:40:56.200 been dead for a while. She's not coming back. But 0:40:56.239 --> 0:40:59.880 you're alive, and your name is Jessica. In terms of 0:40:59.880 --> 0:41:03.440 the conversation, So, Jessica, what would you like to talk 0:41:03.440 --> 0:41:03.960 about today? 0:41:05.080 --> 0:41:05.440 Okay? 0:41:05.560 --> 0:41:10.040 Well, what I text you about was I work at 0:41:10.040 --> 0:41:15.799 a place that's pretty pretty competitive place to work at, 0:41:15.840 --> 0:41:18.840 and it's a lot of opportunity for growth. That's the 0:41:18.840 --> 0:41:23.919 places I work at. I did meet a guy while 0:41:23.960 --> 0:41:28.600 working here and we've been going out for a little 0:41:28.600 --> 0:41:32.960 over a year. I've worked here for almost two years 0:41:33.760 --> 0:41:37.560 and when we first got together. Sorry, I'm I'm nervous. 0:41:37.800 --> 0:41:44.360 When we first got together here at work, which is 0:41:44.400 --> 0:41:46.960 a terrible idea. Don't ever date anyone you work with, ever, 0:41:47.400 --> 0:41:48.200 it's a bad idea. 0:41:48.280 --> 0:41:51.520 But he did. 0:41:51.680 --> 0:41:53.960 He was doing really really well here, you know, like 0:41:54.040 --> 0:41:57.160 he had just gotten a promotion and he was like 0:41:57.200 --> 0:42:00.200 really proud of himself and the job he did. Know, 0:42:01.719 --> 0:42:06.440 And since we started dating, it seems like he's gotten 0:42:08.680 --> 0:42:10.960 you know, like maybe kind of worse than his job 0:42:11.120 --> 0:42:14.080 or just not happy doing his job that he's doing anymore. 0:42:15.719 --> 0:42:18.960 And I've done very well, Like we just we just 0:42:19.000 --> 0:42:24.120 got our like evaluations, you know, and I did fairly 0:42:24.200 --> 0:42:29.319 well and he like buffed the whole year basically is 0:42:29.320 --> 0:42:30.000 what they said. 0:42:30.200 --> 0:42:30.319 Uh. 0:42:30.360 --> 0:42:31.920 And he's worked here for long with than me, So 0:42:32.040 --> 0:42:35.560 I feel extremely bad. But you know, and he also 0:42:35.640 --> 0:42:38.359 kind of like hates on me sometimes when I when 0:42:38.360 --> 0:42:40.960 he does see me doing well, and it's like very frustrating. 0:42:41.000 --> 0:42:41.799 I don't know what to do. 0:42:41.960 --> 0:42:46.239 You know, what is this job. 0:42:48.840 --> 0:42:52.959 I have? Ah? I can't really say because I find 0:42:53.000 --> 0:42:57.440 paperwork saying that I wouldn't say. But it's not like 0:42:57.520 --> 0:43:03.120 as crazy as you think. It's a It actually the 0:43:03.200 --> 0:43:09.759 place I work at sponsors this your show. If that 0:43:09.840 --> 0:43:12.200 gives you a slight hand, you. 0:43:12.160 --> 0:43:14.680 Work at a place that sponsors my show. 0:43:15.920 --> 0:43:18.000 Well, it's like one of the ads. 0:43:17.600 --> 0:43:17.799 You know. 0:43:18.400 --> 0:43:20.440 Oh okay, all right, Well I don't know. 0:43:20.480 --> 0:43:21.960 All right, well I'm not I'm not going to say 0:43:21.960 --> 0:43:24.319 it unless if they're giving both of us a bunch 0:43:24.360 --> 0:43:29.280 of money, So I won't guess. But anyway, uh okay, 0:43:29.280 --> 0:43:31.759 But anyway, So, I mean, so your boyfriend you okay, Well, 0:43:31.760 --> 0:43:33.239 in the text that you sent me. 0:43:33.520 --> 0:43:36.359 It said you have survivor's guilt. What does that mean? 0:43:36.440 --> 0:43:38.160 What do you do your boyfriend get fired? 0:43:39.840 --> 0:43:40.120 No? 0:43:40.960 --> 0:43:43.040 But they've like told him multiple times like if you 0:43:43.040 --> 0:43:46.680 don't picture ads to uh, you know, like they've written 0:43:46.760 --> 0:43:49.480 him up and stuff. So it seems like that's the 0:43:49.520 --> 0:43:52.760 way that it's headed for him, you know. And they're like, meanwhile, 0:43:52.800 --> 0:43:55.799 they're telling me like, oh, you know, you should try 0:43:55.880 --> 0:43:58.560 for a growth opportunity, you should interview for this, an 0:43:58.600 --> 0:43:59.239 interview for that. 0:43:59.760 --> 0:44:02.560 So but so so, Jessica, Jessica, I guess what I 0:44:02.560 --> 0:44:04.399 don't understand is what does this have to do with you. 0:44:07.360 --> 0:44:08.280 That I so guilty? 0:44:08.320 --> 0:44:10.439 And he constantly hates on me when I do good 0:44:10.440 --> 0:44:13.680 at work and so it's like it's frustrating because we're 0:44:13.680 --> 0:44:16.359 extremely compatible outside of work, I feel, but then when 0:44:16.360 --> 0:44:18.400 it comes to work, he's just like a fucking hater. 0:44:19.120 --> 0:44:21.120 You said he hates Okay, he said he hates on you. 0:44:21.160 --> 0:44:23.120 How does that manifest in what way? Does he hate 0:44:23.160 --> 0:44:26.120 on you? Does he like, does he denigrade you? Does 0:44:26.160 --> 0:44:29.240 he like downplay your accomplishments? 0:44:29.800 --> 0:44:33.200 No, never downplays my accomplishments. He's always like he's always 0:44:33.200 --> 0:44:36.600 it's just like, uh, like passive aggressive bloats, you know 0:44:36.600 --> 0:44:38.840 what I mean. Like I got a shout out for 0:44:38.960 --> 0:44:43.880 something the other day and he just became like, uh 0:44:43.880 --> 0:44:46.239 he just like got quiet and like weird about it. 0:44:46.320 --> 0:44:48.920 And then later in the day he was like, oh, like, 0:44:49.000 --> 0:44:51.960 you know our management team so well, And I was like, 0:44:52.160 --> 0:44:56.719 uh huh okay, Like he just like accuses me of 0:44:56.760 --> 0:44:59.320 being best friends with them and like being like a 0:44:59.360 --> 0:45:00.400 suck up or whatever. 0:45:00.520 --> 0:45:00.719 You know. 0:45:03.920 --> 0:45:09.640 Uh oh okay, So this this, this doesn't really look this. 0:45:09.760 --> 0:45:11.200 I don't think this has much to do with the 0:45:11.239 --> 0:45:14.799 fact that you work with this guy. And also, by 0:45:14.800 --> 0:45:16.719 the way, this guy, if this guy sucks at his job, 0:45:16.760 --> 0:45:19.239 that's not your fault, you know what I mean. It's 0:45:19.320 --> 0:45:22.319 his it's his fucking it's not your fault that this 0:45:22.360 --> 0:45:25.919 guy sucks at his job. Yeah, regardless of the fact, 0:45:25.960 --> 0:45:28.160 even whether whether you work at the same job or not. 0:45:28.400 --> 0:45:31.920 It's like, if you feel like this guy is like. 0:45:32.080 --> 0:45:37.040 Resentful of you for being more successful than he is, 0:45:40.320 --> 0:45:42.960 that's yeah, I mean I would say that that's probably 0:45:43.000 --> 0:45:45.959 not uh, I. 0:45:45.880 --> 0:45:49.640 Will add, I will add he works like much closer 0:45:50.440 --> 0:45:52.839 to our management than I do. 0:45:53.560 --> 0:45:56.359 Okay, that doesn't That doesn't mean anything though that I don't. 0:45:56.400 --> 0:45:58.480 I don't care about that. This is like has nothing 0:45:58.520 --> 0:46:01.040 to do with you. The fact that you guys work together. 0:46:01.120 --> 0:46:04.040 This is he could work at the fucking RB's and 0:46:04.120 --> 0:46:07.800 you could work at the Taco bell and it doesn't 0:46:07.840 --> 0:46:10.279 this does that doesn't matter. This is this is more 0:46:10.320 --> 0:46:14.920 simple than that. Yeah, you know, is is this the 0:46:15.000 --> 0:46:18.120 question of in your relationship with this person, do you. 0:46:18.120 --> 0:46:19.319 Feel as though. 0:46:21.640 --> 0:46:24.600 He is resent just it doesn't matter that you work 0:46:24.600 --> 0:46:26.759 at the same place or not. He's he's when you're 0:46:27.000 --> 0:46:31.359 like excited and happy about things, he's he's resentful towards. 0:46:31.040 --> 0:46:35.759 You, right, Okay, Yeah, I guess I never really looked 0:46:35.760 --> 0:46:37.960 at it like that, like how it would be if 0:46:38.000 --> 0:46:40.040 we didn't work at the same place, and he acted 0:46:40.120 --> 0:46:45.160 like this, you know, I just I've only ever looked 0:46:45.160 --> 0:46:46.759 at it from the position that we're in. 0:46:46.880 --> 0:46:48.400 I suppose you're. 0:46:48.200 --> 0:46:51.279 You're twenty two, right, yeah, hald. 0:46:51.000 --> 0:46:54.080 Say twenty four. 0:46:54.280 --> 0:46:57.879 All right, I feel like, all right, you I mean 0:46:57.920 --> 0:46:59.440 you want to you want to you want to do 0:46:59.480 --> 0:47:05.080 some fake therapy. Let's do some fake therapy. Uh, I 0:47:05.120 --> 0:47:06.160 mean doing that? 0:47:06.400 --> 0:47:07.960 It's it's. 0:47:09.040 --> 0:47:11.400 And again you also, I don't I don't want to 0:47:11.520 --> 0:47:13.560 ship too much on the sky or even on shit 0:47:13.640 --> 0:47:16.319 on him at all, because, to be honest, you keep 0:47:16.440 --> 0:47:19.280 mentioning these things that are passive aggressive, and I don't 0:47:19.960 --> 0:47:22.600 really feel like I've gotten a concrete example of anything 0:47:22.640 --> 0:47:26.120 that he's done that I guess rubs me the wrong way. 0:47:26.160 --> 0:47:28.120 But if that's how you feel, you know, that's how 0:47:28.160 --> 0:47:33.080 you feel. If if if he's doing this stuff, it's 0:47:33.160 --> 0:47:38.719 it's indicative of like his own like insecurity, which I'm 0:47:39.320 --> 0:47:42.719 and and security and dealing with insecurity is just something 0:47:42.719 --> 0:47:47.239 we all gotta fucking do, whether you know, and if 0:47:47.239 --> 0:47:50.319 we it's so and that's his cross to bear, you know, 0:47:50.480 --> 0:47:52.800 And that's we all deal with insecurity and A positives 0:47:52.800 --> 0:47:58.719 and dromin all these things, and so you know, ideally 0:47:59.160 --> 0:48:03.719 this guy figures out his own ways of dealing with 0:48:03.760 --> 0:48:07.759 his insecurity and ways in which he can feel better 0:48:07.800 --> 0:48:11.759 about himself so that he's not you know, taking it 0:48:11.800 --> 0:48:14.200 out on other people. 0:48:14.520 --> 0:48:17.640 That's for his therapy Gecko call. 0:48:18.320 --> 0:48:27.320 But you know, yeah, yeah, I would agree. It definitely 0:48:27.320 --> 0:48:31.759 comes across to me as like jealousy or insecurity, you know. 0:48:32.000 --> 0:48:33.799 And I don't know, I guess, uh. 0:48:34.000 --> 0:48:37.040 Like I said, we're like pretty compatible outside of work, 0:48:37.200 --> 0:48:40.759 like it's all good, you know, So I don't know, 0:48:40.840 --> 0:48:43.000 it's like there's a better way I could be supporting 0:48:43.080 --> 0:48:46.520 him where he feels like, you know, I think he 0:48:46.600 --> 0:48:47.120 will tell you. 0:48:48.000 --> 0:48:50.279 Jess, have you had a conversation with him about any 0:48:50.320 --> 0:48:52.080 of this multiple? 0:48:52.920 --> 0:48:54.080 Okay, Well, how do those go? 0:48:55.600 --> 0:48:58.200 He just says, you know, he admits like his fault 0:48:58.280 --> 0:49:00.880 and how he acts about it. He just says that 0:49:02.200 --> 0:49:06.600 it's a hard situation for him and that and it is, 0:49:06.719 --> 0:49:09.239 you know, like I said, he was becoming successful here 0:49:09.280 --> 0:49:10.680 before I started, and I. 0:49:10.600 --> 0:49:13.440 Don't Okay, Well tell me how does the conversation go. 0:49:17.480 --> 0:49:21.319 Usually it'll start with like, because we work fairly like 0:49:21.480 --> 0:49:24.799 close to one another, so it'll start with like, him 0:49:25.360 --> 0:49:29.600 seeing like interactions that I have with our with our bosses. 0:49:29.840 --> 0:49:33.960 So uh, you know, like I said, he makes jobs. 0:49:34.000 --> 0:49:37.319 So I'll tell him like, oh yeah, I got, you know, 0:49:37.760 --> 0:49:38.839 a shout out hold on. 0:49:38.840 --> 0:49:41.520 Jess jes Es Jes before you go into I just 0:49:41.560 --> 0:49:43.320 if you could focus with me for just a second 0:49:44.800 --> 0:49:49.799 when you say to him, Hey, man, I kind of 0:49:49.840 --> 0:49:54.319 feel like you're jabbing at me anytime I'm you know, 0:49:54.680 --> 0:49:57.640 telling you about a success at work, and I kind 0:49:57.719 --> 0:50:02.880 of feel like, uh uh, there's a problem there, and 0:50:02.920 --> 0:50:06.120 I'm expressed I'm gonna express to you these problems that 0:50:06.160 --> 0:50:08.200 I have that I've been expressing on this phone call. 0:50:08.480 --> 0:50:11.120 When you look into his eyes and you say that 0:50:11.200 --> 0:50:15.520 to him, what does he say? 0:50:16.160 --> 0:50:16.359 Uh? 0:50:16.400 --> 0:50:17.719 He says he's sorry. 0:50:18.040 --> 0:50:24.440 Okay and doesn't hit fall okay. Is that is that 0:50:24.480 --> 0:50:25.600 good enough for you? 0:50:27.360 --> 0:50:30.720 I mean, it could be if it didn't continue to happen, 0:50:31.200 --> 0:50:34.719 you know, but it just seems kind of like a 0:50:34.960 --> 0:50:41.359 a continuous thing that happens. So it's like, how many 0:50:41.360 --> 0:50:43.480 times can we have the same conversation about it? 0:50:45.280 --> 0:50:52.080 Mm hmm, Well, I don't know. Maybe maybe maybe he 0:50:52.120 --> 0:50:54.719 needs to get a new job. Maybe he should get 0:50:55.640 --> 0:50:57.360 Here's what Here's what we'll do is he should get it, 0:50:57.520 --> 0:51:00.920 he should get a different job, and then that company 0:51:01.320 --> 0:51:04.200 can also give me money to talk about them on 0:51:04.239 --> 0:51:05.040 this podcast. 0:51:05.200 --> 0:51:06.920 And that way I win, no matter what. 0:51:10.680 --> 0:51:14.600 Yeah, I've told him, you know, like you need to. 0:51:14.760 --> 0:51:16.840 I've even looked for another job because I wanted to 0:51:16.880 --> 0:51:19.240 get out of the situation that we've we've gotten into. 0:51:19.360 --> 0:51:24.960 You know, I was unsuccessful in my search, you know, 0:51:25.040 --> 0:51:27.080 because I have a good job here and I don't want. 0:51:26.880 --> 0:51:27.520 To give it up for. 0:51:29.200 --> 0:51:31.719 A job that would be less beneficial to me than 0:51:31.760 --> 0:51:36.080 this one is. So he's talked about him being the 0:51:36.120 --> 0:51:41.200 one to find a new job. He said things like, oh, 0:51:41.280 --> 0:51:44.280 I'm going to have my resume reve remade by the weekend, 0:51:44.400 --> 0:51:45.000 and never. 0:51:44.880 --> 0:51:49.200 Good, good, well, and look, I'm gonna just I'm gonna 0:51:49.239 --> 0:51:52.160 just leave you with this, Jess. I I don't like 0:51:52.160 --> 0:51:54.440 telling people what to do, but I I just but 0:51:54.480 --> 0:51:58.080 I'm going to would highly highly highly highly highly highly 0:51:58.280 --> 0:52:03.280 highly highly recommend that you do not. If you enjoy 0:52:03.360 --> 0:52:05.960 your job and if you feel good on your own 0:52:06.000 --> 0:52:09.439 personal level with your levels of accomplishment and everything going 0:52:09.480 --> 0:52:14.799 on with yourself, I would highly recommend against leaving it 0:52:14.880 --> 0:52:18.800 behind to make this guy feel better because his insecurity 0:52:20.120 --> 0:52:23.360 is valid. Of insecurity is a valid thing to feel. 0:52:24.480 --> 0:52:30.880 But it's not your responsibility to make to stop achieving 0:52:30.880 --> 0:52:35.239 in your own life to make this guy feel less insecure. 0:52:35.360 --> 0:52:39.640 So please, don't you know, please make your decisions with 0:52:39.680 --> 0:52:42.600 that in mind. Jess, is there anything else you want 0:52:42.600 --> 0:52:44.359 to say to the people of the computer before we go? 0:52:46.120 --> 0:52:48.200 No, I just wanted to say, I hope you keep 0:52:48.200 --> 0:52:50.640 doing your podcast because you get me through the work 0:52:50.680 --> 0:52:53.279 week all the time. So thank you, and it was 0:52:53.360 --> 0:52:53.759 my top. 0:52:54.480 --> 0:52:56.640 Hey, thank you very much, Jess. Have a good one. 0:52:56.960 --> 0:53:02.000 You too, have your boyfriend and uh get a fucking 0:53:02.080 --> 0:53:04.640 job at Taco Bell and that way he can recommend 0:53:04.680 --> 0:53:08.080 them to sponsor the podcast. Hey, if you're listening to 0:53:08.120 --> 0:53:11.160 this anyone and you know somebody at Taco Bell, let 0:53:11.160 --> 0:53:13.800 them know. I would, I would, I will, I will 0:53:13.880 --> 0:53:16.719 like somebody, let them know, let them know that if 0:53:16.760 --> 0:53:20.399 they want, I will interrupt somebody crying to me about 0:53:20.480 --> 0:53:22.920 the death of a family member on this podcast to 0:53:23.040 --> 0:53:26.239 do an ad for a Dorito's Locos Tacos. That's that's 0:53:26.280 --> 0:53:28.439 how far I'm willing to go for them. So I'm 0:53:28.480 --> 0:53:29.520 just throwing that out there. 0:53:33.600 --> 0:53:39.040 Oh hello, Hi, Wow, holy crap, how's it going? 0:53:39.200 --> 0:53:39.399 Geck? 0:53:40.080 --> 0:53:41.200 Hi, what is your name? 0:53:42.080 --> 0:53:45.920 My name is Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess. 0:53:45.920 --> 0:53:47.920 You said my name is Jess not Jess. Oh do 0:53:47.960 --> 0:53:48.560 you mean Jeff. 0:53:48.960 --> 0:53:51.320 No, my name is Jess not Jess. 0:53:51.800 --> 0:53:54.680 Yes, Jess. What's up, Jess? How's it going? How's life? 0:53:55.200 --> 0:53:57.560 Life remains? Interesting? 0:53:59.719 --> 0:54:00.160 Well? 0:54:00.760 --> 0:54:08.440 So, wow, okay, sorry, hold on. My my partner called 0:54:08.480 --> 0:54:15.760 you around Thanksgiving ish while we weren't together at that moment. 0:54:15.800 --> 0:54:19.600 His name was Matt and he was living with his 0:54:20.160 --> 0:54:22.640 uh well, he still is living with his great aunt 0:54:23.000 --> 0:54:26.719 and he's just been dealing with a lot and wait. 0:54:26.640 --> 0:54:27.720 Is it was? 0:54:27.719 --> 0:54:30.000 Was he the guy who he was living with his 0:54:30.160 --> 0:54:33.000 great aunt and taking care of her, and it was 0:54:33.400 --> 0:54:35.719 kind of having to having difficulties of like, oh, I 0:54:35.719 --> 0:54:38.640 don't know, if you know, I want to go live 0:54:38.680 --> 0:54:40.279 my own life, but I kind of can't because I 0:54:40.280 --> 0:54:40.839 have to take care. 0:54:40.760 --> 0:54:41.200 Of my aunt. 0:54:42.120 --> 0:54:42.400 Yeah. 0:54:42.520 --> 0:54:47.960 He remember him a very lost individual, and I kind 0:54:47.960 --> 0:54:51.200 of wanted I'm shaking, dude. I wanted to thank you 0:54:51.640 --> 0:54:54.600 because and I know he would too. And if he's 0:54:54.640 --> 0:54:59.200 listening to this, he's absolutely shitting his pants. 0:54:59.640 --> 0:55:02.680 But maybe maybe maybe his aunt can maybe that's a 0:55:02.680 --> 0:55:04.719 good opportunity for his aunt to pay him back. You know, 0:55:04.840 --> 0:55:07.520 she he canna, she canna cleaned the ship out of 0:55:07.560 --> 0:55:08.359 his pants for once. 0:55:09.160 --> 0:55:12.840 Maybe, so that would be that would be appreciated. I'm sure. 0:55:14.160 --> 0:55:17.359 But like what you said to him, like really got 0:55:17.400 --> 0:55:19.160 through to him. I don't think you get to hear 0:55:19.200 --> 0:55:24.040 this very often. But like he when you said that, 0:55:24.160 --> 0:55:26.960 like you just hope that every day he wakes up 0:55:27.000 --> 0:55:31.680 and this is the choice that he makes. Yeah, he 0:55:32.120 --> 0:55:34.719 that really like he's he's really taken that to heart. 0:55:34.719 --> 0:55:38.040 And he's actually really like stood up for himself and 0:55:38.120 --> 0:55:40.800 told like his family, like I can't do this anymore. 0:55:40.840 --> 0:55:42.719 We need to have a new plan. We need to 0:55:42.760 --> 0:55:44.480 figure something out because I can't do this. 0:55:45.200 --> 0:55:47.959 Very cool, very good, good good, yeah good? 0:55:49.280 --> 0:55:54.760 And so wait, so so so you you you started 0:55:54.840 --> 0:55:55.520 dating you? 0:55:55.560 --> 0:55:58.600 Did you meet him after I called? After we talked? 0:55:59.520 --> 0:56:02.560 No, so we at the time that he called we, 0:56:03.960 --> 0:56:05.560 I guess weren't like speaking. 0:56:05.680 --> 0:56:06.480 It's really weird. 0:56:06.520 --> 0:56:10.560 We've been very on and off for the past I 0:56:10.600 --> 0:56:13.680 mean really ever since I moved out. I moved out 0:56:13.719 --> 0:56:19.000 of the house in August, and I've really been taking 0:56:19.040 --> 0:56:23.080 steps to build up like my life in a sense, 0:56:23.400 --> 0:56:28.000 like just I've never lived by myself like this, and 0:56:28.040 --> 0:56:30.560 it's a really huge privilege to do so, so I'm 0:56:30.600 --> 0:56:35.920 really trying not to take it for granted, and so 0:56:36.520 --> 0:56:39.280 I've just been doing that, but it's been it's made 0:56:39.320 --> 0:56:45.800 me very less able to give him the like attention 0:56:46.040 --> 0:56:49.680 that he's needed or like meet his needs. So it's 0:56:49.719 --> 0:56:54.120 just been hard, like there have like and it's it's 0:56:54.160 --> 0:56:56.520 not without good reason though that Like, I really tried 0:56:56.560 --> 0:56:58.799 to get out of that house because we really like 0:56:59.560 --> 0:57:06.440 being we were cooped up together for three years essentially 0:57:06.920 --> 0:57:10.799 like because of COVID, and we started being able to 0:57:10.840 --> 0:57:13.480 go out last and less together. So we're just on 0:57:13.600 --> 0:57:17.320 top of each other and getting on each other's nerves, 0:57:17.400 --> 0:57:19.600 and it's just been it was tough. 0:57:21.600 --> 0:57:24.320 Well I'm glad that because I'm well, I'm glad that 0:57:24.320 --> 0:57:27.400 that guy is a girlfriend, because he just sounded like 0:57:27.440 --> 0:57:30.320 his entire life was centered around taking care of his 0:57:30.360 --> 0:57:33.560 aunt and he wanted to, you know, get out there 0:57:33.600 --> 0:57:37.280 and start developing some form of a life for himself. 0:57:37.360 --> 0:57:38.560 So I'm happy to hear that. 0:57:39.720 --> 0:57:44.000 Yeah, yeah, no, I'm it was so surreal to hear 0:57:44.080 --> 0:57:47.720 his voice. I mean, he he called me on Thanksgiving 0:57:47.720 --> 0:57:50.960 and like told me about the phone call, and so 0:57:51.080 --> 0:57:53.800 when I got to listen to him on the pod, like, 0:57:53.880 --> 0:57:58.920 that was absolutely bananas. It's just so cool, and now 0:57:59.000 --> 0:57:59.800 it's very cool. 0:58:00.720 --> 0:58:02.680 Well this is doubly cool. 0:58:03.120 --> 0:58:06.480 Well tell tell him, I said, Uh, I'm glad that. 0:58:07.240 --> 0:58:09.200 Tell him, I said, tell him. I said, I'm glad 0:58:09.240 --> 0:58:11.480 he made a life change, and I'm sorry that it 0:58:11.520 --> 0:58:13.640 took the therapy gecko to do it. 0:58:15.960 --> 0:58:23.080 I'll let him know. I'll certainly let him know. So, yeah, 0:58:23.160 --> 0:58:25.720 how are you doing. I don't know if you saw 0:58:25.800 --> 0:58:28.000 my text, but I am looking for a lizard to 0:58:28.120 --> 0:58:30.880 haunt my dreams. Would you like to apply? 0:58:32.160 --> 0:58:32.400 Oh? 0:58:32.560 --> 0:58:33.520 I don't know. I don't know. 0:58:33.560 --> 0:58:35.280 I have a lot of dreams to haunt. I might 0:58:35.320 --> 0:58:40.040 be too busy. Well, uh well, okay, here, first of all, well, okay, 0:58:40.080 --> 0:58:42.640 thanks for updating me about your boyfriend. I like a 0:58:42.640 --> 0:58:45.000 good update, and I'm it actually doesn't makes me feel 0:58:45.800 --> 0:58:49.240 very happy that, uh, some something I said on this 0:58:49.320 --> 0:58:54.360 stupid podcast caused a positive thing in the universe. 0:58:54.400 --> 0:58:55.120 So that's cool. 0:58:56.720 --> 0:58:59.480 Is there anything in particular that you wanted to talk 0:58:59.480 --> 0:59:02.160 about where we go or or anything on on on 0:59:02.160 --> 0:59:04.000 on your brain aside from just this update. 0:59:04.040 --> 0:59:11.120 If not. It's totally fine, but I thought i'd ask, you. 0:59:11.120 --> 0:59:16.760 Know, I yeah, nothing really that I can think of, 0:59:17.160 --> 0:59:20.280 but I you know, I'm just I'm out here having 0:59:20.280 --> 0:59:25.240 a good time, and I yeah, I just wanted to 0:59:25.280 --> 0:59:28.480 say hi to you, thank you to you, and. 0:59:30.640 --> 0:59:39.040 Yeah, well thank you, Jess. I hope that. Uh. 0:59:39.200 --> 0:59:42.919 I gotta stop starting sentences without knowing what the fuck 0:59:42.920 --> 0:59:43.520 I'm going to say. 0:59:43.440 --> 0:59:44.040 At the end of them. 0:59:44.680 --> 0:59:47.800 Oh, that's so real. That's me all like, very often, 0:59:48.440 --> 0:59:50.800 I just going to see where it goes and hope 0:59:50.840 --> 0:59:51.520 for the best. 0:59:52.280 --> 0:59:54.400 But I got but I guess that one, like I 0:59:54.440 --> 0:59:56.400 could I start Okay, So I started that, I said 0:59:56.400 --> 0:59:58.280 I hope that, and then it's like, well, all I 0:59:58.280 --> 1:00:01.160 gotta do is say something nice. You know, I'm not 1:00:01.160 --> 1:00:03.960 gonna say I hope that your children die. I just 1:00:04.000 --> 1:00:06.880 got to say something good. So it shouldn't have it 1:00:06.880 --> 1:00:09.439 should have been easier than it was. It was hard 1:00:09.480 --> 1:00:13.040 for some reason. So let's do this. I hope you 1:00:13.120 --> 1:00:16.920 have a good rest of the day. That was easy. 1:00:17.080 --> 1:00:17.560 Thank you. 1:00:17.560 --> 1:00:21.040 You too, have a good one, Jess, you too have 1:00:21.080 --> 1:00:22.000 a good stream By. 1:00:24.440 --> 1:00:27.880 Never Beacon goes on the line making your song calls 1:00:28.000 --> 1:00:32.000 every night, every Beacon goes to Asie's teaching you aloud 1:00:32.080 --> 1:00:33.920 in the mean of your life. 1:00:33.640 --> 1:00:36.440 Nice, not really an expert.