WEBVTT - “I’M AFRAID OF ETERNITY” 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:00.280 Hi. 0:00:00.600 --> 0:00:01.200 What's your name. 0:00:01.440 --> 0:00:02.400 My name is Malachi. 0:00:03.080 --> 0:00:04.800 Malachi. What's up? Malachi has life? 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:09.840 Dude? Life is nuts. I this is weird. 0:00:10.800 --> 0:00:14.240 I told myself I wouldn't be nervous, but you always say, 0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:17.560 don't be nervous, and it's just a it's just a geck. 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:20.720 So the central nervous system does not The central nervous 0:00:20.760 --> 0:00:23.480 system does not respond to logic. Only instinct. 0:00:24.960 --> 0:00:25.400 Makes sense. 0:00:25.760 --> 0:00:30.480 It's okay, it's instincts will eventually catch up to the logic. 0:00:30.560 --> 0:00:33.680 It just takes a second. What's up, man? What's nuts? 0:00:35.840 --> 0:00:36.120 Dude? 0:00:37.880 --> 0:00:40.760 I've been dealing with I know you on your podcast 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:44.000 recently have been dealing with a lot of like existential dread. Sure, 0:00:44.159 --> 0:00:47.800 And I have a perophobia. I don't know if you 0:00:47.880 --> 0:00:50.760 know that is like a it's a fear of eternity. 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:56.160 And so I know you don't necessarily have, like you 0:00:56.240 --> 0:00:59.720 say that you're not really spiritual or really believe in 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:02.680 a whole lot. But I'm a Christian, and so it's 0:01:02.680 --> 0:01:07.080 weird for me because it's like the idea of what's 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:11.360 supposed to be my spiritual inheritance, you know, is like 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:14.920 the most terrifying thing to me. So it's something strange. 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:17.679 I've been battling for since I was like a kid. 0:01:18.400 --> 0:01:20.640 And yeah, I. 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:29.039 Guess that's it interesting. Okay, So tell me what you 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:35.000 believe as a Christian? Is your spiritual inheritance? 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:41.360 Yeah, well I believe when I die obviously, if you 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:45.040 believe that Jesus Christ died in the cross and came 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:49.240 back to life and you, I mean, repentance is its 0:01:49.280 --> 0:01:53.400 own thing within that, but that you would be able 0:01:53.440 --> 0:01:57.880 to live an eternity forever with you know, Jesus and 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:04.000 everyone else that debth. And so I guess for me, 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:08.520 it's just like it's weird. I'll be sitting there and 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:11.880 I'll think of like, oh, well, it's one million years. 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:14.600 You know, you're you're there for one million years, and 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:16.239 it's like, oh, well, it's not just that you're there 0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:19.240 for two million and three million and four million and 0:02:19.280 --> 0:02:21.640 five million, and so it's like, I don't know if 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:24.440 it's like a weird OCD thing, but I'll start snapping 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:28.320 where I'm just I'll be like, oh, every snap is 0:02:28.360 --> 0:02:31.280 a billion years, and it will pull me into like 0:02:31.360 --> 0:02:35.200 almost full panic mode where I'm like my wife will 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:37.880 be sitting there, She's like are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:41.440 I'm freaking out, but it's weird. And then I'll I've 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:43.640 been smoking recently to try and kind of combat it, 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:46.800 but it's sometimes made it worse, almost like more paranoid. 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:55.280 Right, how old are you. I'm twenty three, and you've 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:59.639 had this fear for your whole life? 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:04.000 Yeah, I would say since I was around like the 0:03:04.080 --> 0:03:09.480 ten to twelve age, Like I want to say, it 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:11.840 was weird, Like I'd start thinking about it and it 0:03:11.880 --> 0:03:14.920 would like really mess me up as a kid, and 0:03:14.960 --> 0:03:18.440 I didn't really know what anxiety was or what you know, 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:21.240 panic attacks were or anything like that. And then my 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:25.000 stepbrother passed away. It was kind of messed up, but 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:29.440 he committed suicide, and so I started getting panic attacks 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:32.560 even worse than and then it kind of came back 0:03:32.600 --> 0:03:34.840 in to that too. I feel like the idea of 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:39.040 death really like encompassed everything that I was thinking, and 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:41.800 I felt like I had to do things out of 0:03:41.840 --> 0:03:47.280 spite to you know, like everything. I feel like everything 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:48.720 you do in life is like out of spite of 0:03:48.720 --> 0:03:53.400 your death. And so it's coming. You're on the train 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:55.360 no matter what. There's no way to get around it, 0:03:55.440 --> 0:03:59.280 and so it's weird. Because it's like, I almost the 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:03.280 idea of me being able to die and there just 0:04:03.360 --> 0:04:08.119 be nothing for eternity, like I wouldn't be conscious, So 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:15.200 that almost sounds more enjoyable than being conscious for eternity, 0:04:15.240 --> 0:04:17.880 and it messes me up because it's like, well, that's 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:23.359 directly against my beliefs. So it's very it's very strange, 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:25.520 and it makes me feel like uneasy. It's like the 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:27.720 same idea. There was some guy that I was listening 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:31.000 to literally yesterday at work that you were talking to 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:35.559 that had like the fear of planets and like the sun, 0:04:35.800 --> 0:04:39.280 like he was a he said he was an amateur, 0:04:40.279 --> 0:04:41.760 a strong. 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:45.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that. That's that was like, yeah, 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:46.560 a year and a half ago. I remember talking to 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:47.560 that guy. 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:51.599 So it's kind of it's like the same idea of that. 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:58.120 It's like just how crazily big like that number is 0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:00.440 like with eternity or with other planets and suff because 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:02.440 I get that the same thing. Like my wife and 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:05.120 I will go up we live in Tucson and there's 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:07.920 like a big old mountain up here and sometimes we'll 0:05:08.000 --> 0:05:10.640 drive up, and so it's the higher you go up, 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:14.200 the less light pollution there is, and I literally like 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:16.080 I'll get fearful, like I'm going to fall off the 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:19.279 edge of the earth. Like it's weird. I feel like uneasy. 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:22.960 It's it's weird and it's been bothering me for weeks since. 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:25.640 I'll listen to your show and there's people that are 0:05:25.680 --> 0:05:27.680 talking about like the existential dread thing, and I'm like, 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:30.799 I have been dealing with that horribly. 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:39.680 M So, well, tell me more about your beliefs, like 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:45.880 do you I mean this question genuinely, like do you 0:05:45.960 --> 0:05:47.480 do you have conviction in your beliefs? 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.240 Conviction how so like like conviction I'm wrong. 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:55.479 I'm like, uh, well, well, conviction and your beliefs in 0:05:55.480 --> 0:05:58.880 the sense of like you're talking about death as a 0:05:58.880 --> 0:06:03.000 secession of any consciousness for all of eternity versus your 0:06:03.080 --> 0:06:10.320 belief of Christianity, being that your spiritual inheritance upon death 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:13.360 is eternity with Jesus Christ in heaven. 0:06:15.520 --> 0:06:21.640 Yeah, I guess it's just pretty it's for me, it's 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:26.159 just like pretty straightforward. I feel like, like one breath out, 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:29.320 you're here on earth, Like it's just I don't know 0:06:29.320 --> 0:06:30.400 if this is what you're asking about. 0:06:30.720 --> 0:06:31.640 One breath out. 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:35.120 I'm dead and then the next breath in, I'm like, 0:06:35.200 --> 0:06:36.960 I just I see the gates, you know. 0:06:37.279 --> 0:06:42.480 That's yeah, so that's that's that's your conviction. Yeah, okay, 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:54.360 hmm hm hm hmm. I'm trying to figure out how 0:06:54.360 --> 0:06:56.600 I want to have this conversation with you, because I 0:06:56.960 --> 0:07:03.080 I think it's good to well, well, actually, no, I'll 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:05.200 ask you this. I think you're a smart guy, like, 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:08.640 do you ever And I don't mean this, I swear 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:10.680 in my life, I don't mean this in a leading way. 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:14.360 I genuinely again ask do you ever question your beliefs? 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:18.760 So for me, the doubts come up a lot more 0:07:19.120 --> 0:07:23.760 with kind of what I'm battling in life, and so 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:29.000 right now I'm battling there's like a lot of pornography 0:07:29.160 --> 0:07:32.560 that I'm trying to get around. I grew up kind 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:36.040 of not having a whole lot of confidence in myself, 0:07:36.080 --> 0:07:41.440 and so I viewed sex as like a I love you. 0:07:41.760 --> 0:07:44.440 I guess like if I got that with someone, then 0:07:44.440 --> 0:07:47.720 that meant that I loved me. And so recently it's like, 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:50.480 if I'm not doing so well, I definitely get the 0:07:50.560 --> 0:07:51.680 doubts of like why am I? 0:07:52.120 --> 0:07:54.520 Like, why am I doing this? What is this what 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:55.040 is this for? 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:58.240 Or like right now, I'm like at work, I don't 0:07:58.440 --> 0:08:00.800 like I have a good job, but it's not at 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:03.080 all what I want to be doing. And I think 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:06.680 that plays into the dread too, is like I'm like, 0:08:06.720 --> 0:08:09.520 it's Attorney's just going to be me doing things that 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:12.920 I don't want to do forever and ever endeavor and 0:08:13.000 --> 0:08:19.360 so there, I would say there's definitely those doubts that 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:23.960 you know, like what if what if it's bad? What 0:08:24.040 --> 0:08:28.400 if it's not all good? Because it says, like, you know, 0:08:28.480 --> 0:08:31.440 God keeps his promises in the Bible like everything is good. 0:08:31.480 --> 0:08:34.360 But for me, it's like a lot of my joy 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:40.280 if your life comes through like battling and experience and 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:44.520 growth and saying hey I'm better than I was, you know, 0:08:45.280 --> 0:08:50.240 a year ago. But that doesn't really happen in heaven. 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:54.600 It's apparently supposed to be just like all good and 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:55.520 all great. 0:08:55.360 --> 0:08:58.360 And I'm like, what the heck? 0:08:58.679 --> 0:09:02.480 How do I you know, like, and it's always forever changing. 0:09:02.559 --> 0:09:04.520 It says it's never going to get boring, and I'm like, 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:07.920 am I going to be able to play skate four? 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:09.920 You know? 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:12.079 It's like I like, yeah, they. 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:15.960 Might have heaven is definitely full of skate four setups 0:09:16.000 --> 0:09:21.760 for sure. That's absolutely positive. Yeah, skate four. They got 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:26.680 grand theft Auto seven up there, it's great. Before my 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:31.360 death interesting so well, okay, because one of the questions 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:33.600 I was gonna ask you is like why, I mean 0:09:33.720 --> 0:09:35.520 just the simple one of like why are you afraid 0:09:35.559 --> 0:09:37.719 of eternity? And I guess one of the ways you're 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.320 answering it is like, okay, so in eternity, if everything 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:42.480 is always great and amazing fucking awesome forever, and we 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:46.280 live in utopia and there's heaven and everything is an 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:50.800 orgasmic beam of eternal light and sunshine and harmony for 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:53.360 all of Attorney forever, and Jesus is there and he's 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:56.480 jacked and everyone has a billion dollars and whatever the 0:09:56.720 --> 0:09:59.720 you know what I mean, It's like, how how is there? 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:02.320 How is their measurable growth? 0:10:03.080 --> 0:10:04.600 Right? Yeah? 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:08.080 And that's what makes you guys, what gives you happiness? 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:14.640 That's that's a big part. I feel like, you know. 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:18.360 You can be that's go ahead, go ahead, Yeah, sorry, 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:22.400 I feel like it's the idea of the sun shines 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:24.400 brighter the harder it rains. 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:27.920 Yeah, you know, like how. 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:31.600 It's so confusing in my head. One just the idea 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:37.520 of existing forever, but two, like, how how do I 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:43.760 measure happiness without sadness? Because like I've seen some i'd say, 0:10:43.840 --> 0:10:46.719 some really bad stuff in my life, like I was 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:48.520 saying with my brother, and There's been a lot more 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:53.880 traumatic things as I've grown up. But I feel like 0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:56.520 where I'm at now, Like I just got married. I've 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:59.000 been married for three months, and like it's like I've 0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:04.720 I feel this thing that like I have so much 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:08.840 I don't know how to explain it. Like I like, 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:12.000 I built this thing from the ground up, and so 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.880 I'm proud of the fact of where I've got to. 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:19.079 And so it's like if I just enter heaven, it's like, oh, 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:23.160 here's your house, here's your million Jesus dollars, here's your 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:27.120 you know, like I'm just kind of like, okay, but 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:29.840 what do I have to do? You know, Like what's 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:31.240 my sense of purpose? 0:11:31.720 --> 0:11:38.439 Yeah? If I'm going to be there forever, well, I mean, yeah, dude, 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:42.480 I have I got tons of thoughts about this is 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:50.400 how did you were your parents Christians? 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:51.720 Yeah? 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:57.160 So my it's kind of crazy. Actually my family like 0:11:57.320 --> 0:12:01.360 two or three generations up actually we're the earliest Mormon 0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:05.319 settlers in the US, so all of Utah and I 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:07.280 don't know if you know, like I think it's called 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:10.720 Bear Lake was actually settled by His name is Charles 0:12:10.720 --> 0:12:14.599 Colson Rich And so my family's Mormon coming all the 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:16.560 way down the line. And then when it came to 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:20.800 my mom, my mom said screw this U and converted 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:26.280 to Christianity. And so yeah, it was like kind of 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:28.720 since I was born, like I was dedicated at my church. 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:32.880 And I'd say, growing up, I kind of always went 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:34.800 to church because that's just what my parents had me do. 0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:39.200 But then I dated some girl and was like, I 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:40.760 want to kind of figure out my own life. And 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:44.640 after she was she was pretty abusive to me for 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:48.600 three years, and so after that I kind of, i'd say, 0:12:48.679 --> 0:12:51.720 really like laid my life down to Christ. So that's 0:12:51.760 --> 0:12:55.040 been i'd say two or two or three years, and 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:58.920 like my wife now I'm at a church and it's 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:02.599 been pretty good. It's just yeah, i'd say, like, realistically, 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:06.160 my actual beliefs only started about two or three years ago. 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:09.840 Do you. 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:17.080 Do you when did you when did you start to 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:21.520 believe or I guess arrive at the conclusion that there 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:26.240 is this definitive eternal life in heaven. 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:36.080 I'd say probably, jeez, dude, I'd probably like in my 0:13:36.120 --> 0:13:39.200 teens somewhere, I'd say like fourteen to sixteen, did I 0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:41.360 really like because I was going to church with my 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:44.000 family a lot, and they're always like, you're going to 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:46.000 go to hell if you you know, if this doesn't 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:47.679 work out or if this doesn't work out, you need 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:50.120 to you know, be this way and be you know. 0:13:50.200 --> 0:13:51.679 I guess it wasn't like be this way, but. 0:13:53.679 --> 0:13:55.880 It's like, you know, you gotta believe in Christ and 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:56.600 go to heaven. 0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:59.520 I'm like, okay, cool, well that's like ultimate goal, right, 0:14:00.240 --> 0:14:02.520 And I'm like, what am I going to enjoy about 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:06.800 this ultimate goal? And I started really sinking into it 0:14:06.840 --> 0:14:09.200 and it's like it's weird because I've I was talking 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:12.800 to pastors and stuff and I tell them like I 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:14.400 felt like I was crazy because I'd be on Reddit. 0:14:14.400 --> 0:14:16.640 I'd be like looking up why do I have a 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:18.839 fear of eternity? And there's like a Reddit thread called 0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:22.840 a perophobia and there's apparently a lot more people that what. 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:24.640 Do people on that Reddit thread say? What kind of 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:27.520 like other people who are dealing with this. What do 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:29.560 they have to say about it? 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:33.800 It's well, it's not just for Christianity, it's for everything. 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:39.520 And so it's like some people have the fear of like, oh, 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:42.680 when I'm dead, I'm I'm gonna never be alive again. 0:14:42.840 --> 0:14:46.280 You know, I'm just gonna float off into the cosmos. 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:48.360 But there's other people that do. 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:50.600 Kind of have the same things. For me, I actually 0:14:50.640 --> 0:14:53.360 read an entire research paper that this guy made for 0:14:53.400 --> 0:14:57.080 his college class. It was for like theology, but it 0:14:57.160 --> 0:15:02.840 was called like four and against Eternal Life, and he 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:09.200 basically explains, like, you know, how God is as he 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:14.840 is stated in the Bible, and basically what his fears were, 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:19.160 and then what the pros and cons were of having 0:15:19.200 --> 0:15:24.040 eternal life, and so it I mean I read it 0:15:24.200 --> 0:15:26.640 in it like kind of helps, but it kind of didn't. 0:15:28.200 --> 0:15:28.720 And so. 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:33.880 It's just it's weird. It's kind of just people saying 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.200 the same thing. Sometimes people kind of get over over 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:39.400 time and they say, I keep this thing, And a 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:41.960 lot of people are just saying, like, if it's within 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:45.840 your belief, you have to believe that God is greater 0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:51.760 than like what these fears are being stirred up against. Yeah, yeah, 0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:54.560 it's like the idea of. 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:57.360 Letting go. 0:15:59.080 --> 0:16:02.960 And just like like Nirvana, you know, like letting go 0:16:03.040 --> 0:16:05.000 and being in that state and let. 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:08.920 Me it's sorry, I want to you're Before I cut in. 0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:11.520 I was just gonna say it's weird, but you're good. 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:15.800 Well, let me say this, for for me to have 0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:18.840 this conversation with you is yeah, you know, I talk 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:23.080 on the podcast a lot about like existential crisises and 0:16:23.160 --> 0:16:25.680 thinking about death and thinking about eternity and thinking about 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:29.040 the big questions and really, like you know, I had 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:31.920 a whole period of time for most of this year. 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:33.680 I feel, I fucking feel great now. I feel the 0:16:33.680 --> 0:16:36.120 best I ever have. But for most of this year, 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:40.640 I felt like I was in outer space and I 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:46.400 took my helmet off and I had to be directly 0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:49.720 confronted with the these like big questions. And I thought 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:53.240 about like God, and I thought about, yeah, these big 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:56.960 questions of eternity and death and nothingness and and and whatnot. 0:16:57.160 --> 0:17:12.119 And I I've become increasingly increasingly agnostic because I think that, like, well, 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:14.840 I think that God and the idea of like like 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:19.320 the idea of like submission, like what you just said 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:24.480 when you talked about like God's plan, you know, and 0:17:24.600 --> 0:17:33.520 submitting to God's plan and letting go I whether or 0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:36.479 not I'm I'm not a I'm not a Christian, and 0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:42.840 I don't think I believe in any sort of like like, 0:17:42.920 --> 0:17:44.840 I don't I don't think there's like a dude in 0:17:44.880 --> 0:17:50.400 a heaven necessarily. But gain again, I'm becoming becoming I'm 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:53.920 becoming further further agnostic towards the idea of there being 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:59.159 some kind of like unseen plain or dimension or it 0:17:59.200 --> 0:18:04.359 could all just be you know, I don't know. Yeah, 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:07.520 but anyway, anyway, God's plan, right, okay, And this is 0:18:07.560 --> 0:18:09.960 And by the way, if you're listening to this and 0:18:10.000 --> 0:18:12.880 you're like, what the FI, don't there's no God or whatever, 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:14.880 it's like, that's not You're not It's not the point. 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:21.640 It's not about a physical God. There is. Logically, God's 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:27.400 plan in the sense of the universe continues to march forward, 0:18:28.640 --> 0:18:32.760 not with any kind of like a gentic plan made 0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:35.800 by a God, but it marches forward. 0:18:36.280 --> 0:18:38.000 And you, you, and. 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:40.960 You and you and you are on it. And it 0:18:41.119 --> 0:18:49.240 contains an unfathomable bull amount of uncertainty. And I think 0:18:49.560 --> 0:18:57.120 God and God's plan is an allegory for that uncertainty, Okay, 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:05.480 And so there's something to be said about submitting yourself 0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:09.240 to that uncertainty a ka in your case as a Christian, 0:19:09.480 --> 0:19:18.360 submitting yourself to to God's plan. And I think there's something, uh, 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:25.640 extremely peaceful about that. And I almost think that the 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:29.320 the crisis. Also, some people never have the crisis. They 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:31.760 just never have it. I don't know how you live 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:33.880 on this fucking planet and you never have the crisis, 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:34.679 but some people. 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:34.959 Never have it. 0:19:35.560 --> 0:19:42.480 You're blessed, You're You're blessed enough truly to be endowed 0:19:42.520 --> 0:19:47.720 with the gift of the realization of the of the 0:19:47.920 --> 0:19:51.600 of the insane cosmic predicament that you're in. Yeah, and 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:57.080 it's it's diabolically uncomfortable. It's diabolically uncomfortable. And when I 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:58.600 was in it, I thought I was going to have 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:01.840 to kill myself. I thought, I thought, but there was 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:06.359 no return back to you know, eating a slice of 0:20:06.400 --> 0:20:08.879 pizza and talking about a movie I just saw. You know, 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:15.720 I thought there was no return. And I since feel 0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:21.680 very returned. I since feel even more at harmony with 0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:27.680 you know, the the fucking matrix or whatever that we're 0:20:27.680 --> 0:20:30.080 living in that we have are uncertain about if you 0:20:30.119 --> 0:20:34.000 know it's it's real. And I can speak on that 0:20:34.040 --> 0:20:38.720 as my personal experience, and I'll say that what people 0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:43.000 are saying in that separated about submission to God's plan. 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:47.880 And again people get all crazy about like religion and stuff, 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:49.480 and it's like, you don't have you don't have to 0:20:49.480 --> 0:20:54.040 believe in God to know to like submit to God's plan. 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:56.840 If you believe God's plan is just an allegory for 0:20:56.880 --> 0:21:01.119 the uncertainty that we have about in the universe, like 0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:04.520 consciousness and eternity and where we you know, uh uh 0:21:04.640 --> 0:21:06.880 how we're able to do all the amazing fucking things 0:21:06.880 --> 0:21:14.200 that we do as conscious beings. But I think it's uncomfortable, 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:20.200 but you kind of gradually learn to submit yourself to it, 0:21:21.359 --> 0:21:25.639 and uh there's a lot of love and realizing that 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:31.159 everyone you're in the same unfathomable cosmic predicament as every 0:21:31.280 --> 0:21:35.880 single other living thing and person around you, and you're 0:21:35.920 --> 0:21:43.400 all going to submit together as this collective consciousness and 0:21:43.480 --> 0:21:48.280 it's it's it's kind of beautiful and it's going to 0:21:48.320 --> 0:21:50.399 be whatever it is, and you're not alone. You're the 0:21:50.520 --> 0:21:57.600 universe experiencing itself and you'll be okay, and then you 0:21:57.640 --> 0:22:02.560 can go, uh, you know, fucking watch a movie and 0:22:03.240 --> 0:22:05.320 jack off. I know you're trying to not jack off, 0:22:05.359 --> 0:22:06.639 but you know. 0:22:07.680 --> 0:22:09.119 Yeah, let's not let's not do that. 0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:12.280 No, but I completely understand what you're saying, Like I 0:22:12.600 --> 0:22:17.200 feel like, whether or not you believe or not, you're 0:22:17.240 --> 0:22:21.520 still on this fucking train man, You're you're still marching 0:22:21.600 --> 0:22:22.239 towards the end. 0:22:22.359 --> 0:22:27.840 And so for me, I'm sorry. I mean, it's not 0:22:27.880 --> 0:22:29.879 about it's not about I don't know if it's about belief. 0:22:29.920 --> 0:22:31.119 I think it's about submission. 0:22:32.400 --> 0:22:37.320 Yeah, well it's like whatever, Like yeah, that makes sense, 0:22:37.440 --> 0:22:40.560 Like what whatever it is you have to submit. 0:22:40.320 --> 0:22:41.200 To the train. 0:22:41.920 --> 0:22:43.200 Yes, you have to submit to the. 0:22:43.160 --> 0:22:48.000 Trarain is continually going forward, and then you're just whenever 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:51.639 you're done, whatever happens. It's like, okay, like you you 0:22:51.720 --> 0:22:53.280 made it to the end of that train ride. 0:22:54.280 --> 0:22:57.120 And there's also sorry, go ahead. 0:22:56.920 --> 0:22:57.240 One of you. 0:22:57.960 --> 0:22:58.400 No, you're good. 0:22:58.440 --> 0:23:01.160 I was just gonna say for me, it's like it's 0:23:01.240 --> 0:23:03.600 kind of cool like you and I both in the 0:23:03.680 --> 0:23:06.480 general sense, have had the same you know, like like 0:23:06.520 --> 0:23:08.800 you were saying, like the I don't know how people 0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:11.480 get through life without having this happen to them. Yeah, 0:23:11.480 --> 0:23:15.960 but it's like for you that brought you to even 0:23:16.080 --> 0:23:20.520 more of going like, Okay, well I'm not gonna I 0:23:20.520 --> 0:23:23.280 don't think there's any like, you know, God in heaven, 0:23:23.400 --> 0:23:25.159 you know type of a thing is just God is 0:23:25.200 --> 0:23:28.480 like the universe, which is nuts because that's actually like 0:23:28.560 --> 0:23:32.240 directly what my brother believes. For me, it's pushed me 0:23:32.359 --> 0:23:36.960 more into it and that makes sense. Yeah, it's like 0:23:37.000 --> 0:23:40.840 gnarly because it's like I'm more uncomfortable as I go on, 0:23:41.119 --> 0:23:44.160 but it's like I do find that sense of peace 0:23:44.200 --> 0:23:46.800 of like I'll watch a movie or whatever and I've 0:23:47.520 --> 0:23:49.359 it's like I almost break the fourth wall in the 0:23:49.400 --> 0:23:51.320 movie and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's just an actor. 0:23:51.359 --> 0:23:54.560 That's house. Are gonna die? Yep, you know yep. 0:23:54.640 --> 0:23:57.320 And so it's like all of us, we're we're the 0:23:57.480 --> 0:24:00.480 entire generation that we are all living in. It's like 0:24:01.000 --> 0:24:03.879 in one hundred and fifty years we're all gone. There 0:24:03.920 --> 0:24:06.600 will be a complete new cycle of new people that 0:24:06.640 --> 0:24:07.240 will be on there. 0:24:07.680 --> 0:24:07.960 Yep. 0:24:10.520 --> 0:24:11.520 It's weird. 0:24:11.720 --> 0:24:20.199 It's not it's not. It's it's what's your name again, Malachi, Malachi? 0:24:22.680 --> 0:24:28.840 I think you have I still have existential crisises, and 0:24:28.880 --> 0:24:33.359 I'm not like, uh uh, I'm figuring this out with 0:24:33.440 --> 0:24:36.920 you as I'm trying to gain greater clarity on it. 0:24:37.000 --> 0:24:38.600 But I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and 0:24:38.640 --> 0:24:43.280 I think that there is there's a so because you're 0:24:43.440 --> 0:24:47.439 you know what it is. Part of is is like 0:24:48.200 --> 0:24:53.879 your there's a sense of like ego, I think, and 0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:57.320