Speaker 1: You have to truly stop putting yourself in vulnerable positions.
Speaker 1: Most of us put ourselves in vulnerable positions and then
Speaker 1: we freak out as to why we don't have enough willpower.
Speaker 1: You're relying so much on willpower when you've been attracted
Speaker 1: or addicted or attached to that thing, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: for so long, that you're actually stressing yourself out. You're
Speaker 1: actually creating more fatigue in your mind and body by
Speaker 1: trying to resist something that you're putting so close. Hey, hey, hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. I am so excited for
Speaker 1: today's session. It has been amazing to see the love
Speaker 1: that you've been showing the podcast over the first few
Speaker 1: weeks of the year. It's been incredible to see the engagement,
Speaker 1: to see how many of you are listening, to see
Speaker 1: what you're taking away. I am truly truly blown away
Speaker 1: by your dedication and commitment to the podcast. I could
Speaker 1: sit here and read reviews all day, and I just
Speaker 1: want you to know that I appreciate them. They mean
Speaker 1: the world to me. Please keep leaving your name at
Speaker 1: the end of them so that I can shout you
Speaker 1: out in these episodes as well. And I am so
Speaker 1: excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it.
Speaker 1: My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out and
Speaker 1: I cannot wait to share it with you. I am
Speaker 1: so so excited for you to read this book, for
Speaker 1: you to listen to this book. I read the audiobook.
Speaker 1: If you haven't got it already, make sure you go
Speaker 1: to eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to
Speaker 1: anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love.
Speaker 1: So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up,
Speaker 1: or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.
Speaker 1: And I'd love to invite you to come and see
Speaker 1: me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Ja
Speaker 1: shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP
Speaker 1: experiences and more. I can't wait to see you this year.
Speaker 1: But today I want to talk to you about how
Speaker 1: do we break habits? How do we end habits that
Speaker 1: we no longer need, that no longer serve us in
Speaker 1: our life. We all have things in our life that
Speaker 1: we've been doing for a long long time. We have
Speaker 1: things that have been in our life maybe for a year.
Speaker 1: We have some things that have been in our lives
Speaker 1: for a decade, and then there are other things that
Speaker 1: are maybe crept in in the last few months. But
Speaker 1: how do you let go of a bad habit you
Speaker 1: no longer need and no longer serves you. The first
Speaker 1: thing I'm about to say might surprise you, but it's
Speaker 1: a really, really interesting thing. The first step to letting
Speaker 1: go of a bad habit is realizing that it did
Speaker 1: serve you at one point for a mindset that you
Speaker 1: currently have. Let me give you an example. Maybe I'm
Speaker 1: eating unhealthy pathetically speaking, when I realized that at one
Speaker 1: point that served my mindset, I didn't care about my health.
Speaker 1: I didn't mind that I was unhealthy, I didn't mind
Speaker 1: that I was damaging my health, and that served that mindset.
Speaker 1: Let me accept it rather than just making it negative
Speaker 1: and toxic and trying to push it away. And you know,
Speaker 1: when you're pushing something, you're still holding onto it. Right,
Speaker 1: If you're having to push something away, your hand is
Speaker 1: still on it, It is still connected to you. Whereas
Speaker 1: when you just open your hand and you let it
Speaker 1: fall out, you gracefully and gently let it go. And
Speaker 1: I find this really fascinating that when we don't want something,
Speaker 1: we almost want to push it, force it out of
Speaker 1: our lives. We don't know how to just gently open
Speaker 1: up and let go. And the way you do that
Speaker 1: with a habit is you accept this served a mindset
Speaker 1: that I once had. You accept that this did serve
Speaker 1: me at one point in time. It no longer serves me.
Speaker 1: It's not useless, it's not the worst. It's something you hate,
Speaker 1: it's not something you dislike. It's something that no longer
Speaker 1: serves you. There's a beautiful verse in the Bulga Geta.
Speaker 1: This is the book that I reference a lot and
Speaker 1: think like a monk, and a book that I study
Speaker 1: during my time as a monk, and it talks about
Speaker 1: how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.
Speaker 1: And this is a really, really fascinating concept that when
Speaker 1: we're attached to something. When you loved eating unhealthy, the
Speaker 1: natural change now is you now present yourself as being
Speaker 1: averse to it. You want to hate it, you want
Speaker 1: to push it away, but that is still an attachment.
Speaker 1: It still keeps you connected to that idea, it still
Speaker 1: keeps you in touching distance, it still keeps it in
Speaker 1: your hand. So first accept this no longer serves me.
Speaker 1: I'm letting it go. When you want to break a habit,
Speaker 1: the first thing you have to accept is that this
Speaker 1: did serve me. It no longer serves me. And I'm
Speaker 1: letting it go. I'm not forcing it away, I'm not
Speaker 1: pushing it away. I'm not trying to break it. Even
Speaker 1: that language that we use, I have to break this habit.
Speaker 1: We don't have to break it. We have to just
Speaker 1: let it go. We have to just move on. We
Speaker 1: have to let it naturally devolve and dissolve from our life.
Speaker 1: We don't want to break it in the process. And
Speaker 1: I was having a really beautiful conversation with a friend
Speaker 1: this morning, and we were talking about how when you
Speaker 1: do things in an intentional way, even when you sever
Speaker 1: something or cut something, it actually brings you closer. I
Speaker 1: had to have a really difficult conversation with a team
Speaker 1: member recently and I had to share with them some
Speaker 1: of their performance that I wasn't happy with. But because
Speaker 1: I also want to help people find their potential and
Speaker 1: live their purpose and perform at a high level, and
Speaker 1: also love humans and want people to feel good and
Speaker 1: feel happy, I tried my best to notice something in
Speaker 1: them that I believed was unique and their greatest gift
Speaker 1: So whilst I was giving them honest, transparent feedback, I
Speaker 1: also wanted to notice the greatness that they have within them,
Speaker 1: and I was inspired to share that with them as well.
Speaker 1: And even though I'd have to give them all of
Speaker 1: this tough feedback, we actually became closer through that conversation. Now,
Speaker 1: that's remarkable that you could actually break something or end
Speaker 1: something in a way that it may seem but it
Speaker 1: actually has a new beginning. And that's how spiritual intentions work.
Speaker 1: That's the power of living an intentional, conscious life that
Speaker 1: even when you are cutting a bad habit, you're actually
Speaker 1: creating a positive relationship with yourself and creating a better
Speaker 1: relationship with that habit. Often the reason why we swing
Speaker 1: and pendulum between attachment and aversion is because we never
Speaker 1: truly let go and disconnect. We go from being attached
Speaker 1: to something to being averse to it, to hating it,
Speaker 1: and then we pendulum back to loving it. But if
Speaker 1: we just opened our hand and let it go because
Speaker 1: it didn't serve us anymore, we actually have a healthier
Speaker 1: relationship with it. So attachment and a version are not
Speaker 1: healthy relationships because you just constantly oscillate back and forth
Speaker 1: between them. We're actually trying to go beyond attachment and aversion.
Speaker 1: We're going to acceptance. I accept this served me. It
Speaker 1: doesn't serve me anymore. I'm letting it go now. The
Speaker 1: second principle to breaking, we're going to be changing that
Speaker 1: word to letting go of bad habits is to realize
Speaker 1: what's motivating you. How many times if you try to
Speaker 1: break a habit or lose a bad habit, but then
Speaker 1: it comes right back that attachment and a version that
Speaker 1: we all experience. There are four things that motivate us.
Speaker 1: Let's choose the eating unhealthy again. One of the reasons
Speaker 1: could be fear. You fear being unhealthy, or you fear
Speaker 1: that people will see you as unhealthy, or you fear
Speaker 1: that it may affect your career and your family and
Speaker 1: your children. Fear is one motivator. The one to higher
Speaker 1: from fear is results. You're motivated by getting a particular result.
Speaker 1: I want a revenge body, I want that person to
Speaker 1: feel this way about me. I want to get to
Speaker 1: this goal because I want to prove something. That intention
Speaker 1: is better than being motivated by fear, but it is
Speaker 1: still misleading and not the healthiest. Higher than that is
Speaker 1: the motivator or intention of duty. You do something out
Speaker 1: of responsibility and duty that I want to eat healthier
Speaker 1: because I want to be responsible about my body. I
Speaker 1: want to be responsible about my family and my children.
Speaker 1: It's a feeling of responsibility. Now, it's not fear that's
Speaker 1: motivating you. That's considered a healthier, progressive intention. Now. The
Speaker 1: fourth motivator that is considered the motivator that is the
Speaker 1: most profound and powerful, is when we're motivated by love
Speaker 1: and purpose. We love our body, so we want to
Speaker 1: take care of it. We love our family, so we
Speaker 1: want to take care of it. We love food, so
Speaker 1: we want to honor it and nourish it and eat
Speaker 1: it in a way that it's good for us. We
Speaker 1: want to create more experiences of love. Isn't that where
Speaker 1: we all want to live? But here's the thing. We
Speaker 1: have to move up the ladder. If something's not been
Speaker 1: changing for a long time, if you haven't been able
Speaker 1: to break a habit for a long time, chances are
Speaker 1: you haven't dialed up the fear enough. You're not really
Speaker 1: scared of how bad this could be. I realize I
Speaker 1: love fried food. Who doesn't love fries? Fried vegan wings? Like,
Speaker 1: who doesn't love something fried? But when I started to
Speaker 1: really understand how damaging fried food was for me, I
Speaker 1: interviewed Dave Aspury, it was on my podcast. We talked
Speaker 1: about this, even doctor Stephen Gundry. When I talk to
Speaker 1: them about fried food, you start to recognize, Okay, fear
Speaker 1: is actually going to help me get away from this
Speaker 1: because I love myself, but I've feared that more so,
Speaker 1: fear is often the first step. Then from that you
Speaker 1: now set a goal. You say, Okay, now I want
Speaker 1: to result. I want to try and not eat fried
Speaker 1: food because I'm going to try and be healthier. My
Speaker 1: result is that I'm going to be healthy. Okay, Now
Speaker 1: I'm doing it responsibly just because it become a natural pattern,
Speaker 1: and now I'm doing it out of love. So often
Speaker 1: we stay in fear or we try to do it
Speaker 1: because of love, and we fail because if you stay
Speaker 1: in fear, it's not sustainable, and if you try and
Speaker 1: jump to love, it's not sustainable because we're not there yet.
Speaker 1: So use fear as the first intention, but then rise
Speaker 1: to the intention of result, rise to the intention of responsibility,
Speaker 1: and then rise to the intention of Step number three
Speaker 1: is know every single trigger. Imagine you were an FBI
Speaker 1: agent or you're a double O agent. You would be
Speaker 1: trained to be aware of every potential point of weakness
Speaker 1: and attack. If you don't know every one of your weaknesses,
Speaker 1: chances are someone else will. One of your greatest strengths
Speaker 1: is an awareness of all your weaknesses. We think knowing
Speaker 1: about our weaknesses makes us weaker, but that's not true.
Speaker 1: Awareness of your weaknesses can be your greatest strength because
Speaker 1: when you're aware of all your triggers, guess what you're prepared.
Speaker 1: You know how many times did you play a little
Speaker 1: video game when you jump with Mario from place to place,
Speaker 1: tube to tube and coin to coin, and you start knowing, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's a trigger there. I know that that animal thing
Speaker 1: is going to try and eat me. I know I'm
Speaker 1: going to fall through that gap. When you're aware of
Speaker 1: the triggers, you can play the game. If you're not
Speaker 1: aware of the triggers, you're going to be surprised every
Speaker 1: single time Sonic the Headgehog. Okay, now I'm showing my age,
Speaker 1: but you take any video game if you're not aware
Speaker 1: of where the trigger might be, it's going to be
Speaker 1: really tough. I want you to know every single trigger.
Speaker 1: So for me, one of my triggers is being hungry
Speaker 1: while I'm out in the studio. If I get hungry
Speaker 1: while I'm at the studio, I'm going to turn to
Speaker 1: a bag of chips that's there, or I'm going to
Speaker 1: turn to a sugar rich energy bar that isn't really
Speaker 1: as full of protein as you want it to be.
Speaker 1: So I know that's a trigger for me. I've literally
Speaker 1: started carrying around with me a box of nuts and dates.
Speaker 1: I've started carrying around with me healthier snacks that I
Speaker 1: can have throughout the day. I have to know that
Speaker 1: trigger though it's such a specific trigger and it's not
Speaker 1: something that's in my house. But that's why I have
Speaker 1: to be aware of it, because I can see that
Speaker 1: that's where I always fall back into my old habits.
Speaker 1: What's another place that I fall back into my old habits?
Speaker 1: Maybe when I'm with a certain group of people, Maybe
Speaker 1: when I go to a certain space for dinner, a
Speaker 1: certain place for dinner. Maybe when I'm tired. I know
Speaker 1: that when I'm tired, I want to eat much more carbs, sugar,
Speaker 1: and the things that aren't great for me. Are you
Speaker 1: aware of every single trigger. I want you to write
Speaker 1: down every single trigger possible. Do not leave any stone
Speaker 1: unturned in this activity. This is actually the reason why
Speaker 1: we keep failing and keep messing up because we haven't
Speaker 1: made a list of every possible, single trigger. I really
Speaker 1: mean it, every single one. You're not going to miss
Speaker 1: a single one. I want every single trigger. The forward
Speaker 1: step is removed, the triggers that don't need to be
Speaker 1: in close proximity. I've always joked about this. I call
Speaker 1: it the world's worst snack drawer. It's the snack drawer
Speaker 1: we have in our house. Rather has removed all unhealthy
Speaker 1: items from the snack drawer. It's only full of healthy items,
Speaker 1: which I actually enjoy Now. It's taken me a while,
Speaker 1: but I call it the world's worst snack drawer, and
Speaker 1: the removal of those triggers from my space has forced
Speaker 1: me to healthier habits. I'll pick a fruit instead of
Speaker 1: a bad snack. I'll pick a healthy snack instead of
Speaker 1: an unhealthy snack. I'll pick a walk instead of a
Speaker 1: snack at all. Right, I realized walking to that drawer
Speaker 1: and not wanting anything from it is sometimes what makes
Speaker 1: the healthiest choice. We have to remove the triggers from
Speaker 1: our close proximity. What are the distractions? What are the things?
Speaker 1: I had a friend who was addicted to pornography, and
Speaker 1: the only way that he could work on that is
Speaker 1: he had to ban every site from his phone. He
Speaker 1: had to ban every site from his laptop, He had
Speaker 1: to sleep away from his laptop, he had to keep
Speaker 1: his phone in another room. Like he really wanted to
Speaker 1: break that habit. You really wanted to let go of
Speaker 1: that habit, And the only way to let go of
Speaker 1: it was to not keep the triggers so close. He
Speaker 1: had to mute a bunch of people that he followed
Speaker 1: on Instagram. Right, And so are you truly giving yourself
Speaker 1: the best chance? Most of us are setting ourselves up
Speaker 1: for failure by still putting ourselves in vulnerable positions. And
Speaker 1: that's the interesting thing about this. It's that if you
Speaker 1: really want to let go of this habit, you have
Speaker 1: to truly stop putting yourself in vulnerable positions. Most of
Speaker 1: us put ourselves in vulnerable positions, and then we freak
Speaker 1: out as to why we don't have enough willpower. You're
Speaker 1: relying so much on willpower when you've been a tracked
Speaker 1: it or addicted or attached to that thing, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: for so long that you're actually stressing yourself out. You're
Speaker 1: actually creating more fatigue in your mind and body by
Speaker 1: trying to resist something that you're putting so close. Step
Speaker 1: number five. Create a system for each trigger you can't remove.
Speaker 1: This is called an if then system. If I'm at
Speaker 1: the studio, then I take dates and nuts with me.
Speaker 1: If I am hungry at a gas station, I know,
Speaker 1: then these are the bars that I can choose from.
Speaker 1: If I am at the airport and I forgot to
Speaker 1: pack a meal, then this is what I would turn to.
Speaker 1: Until you create an if then plan for each and
Speaker 1: every one of your triggers, you're basically saying, I'll decide
Speaker 1: in the moment, and in the moment, you're always going
Speaker 1: to go to your default conditioned state. In the moment,
Speaker 1: it's very difficult to shrug off and shake off your conditioning.
Speaker 1: It's really really difficult, and you're creating more stress, pressure,
Speaker 1: attention for your mind and body to go through in
Speaker 1: that moment. If I miss my alarm, then what am
Speaker 1: I going to do? How are you going to change that?
Speaker 1: If I don't feel like waking up in the morning,
Speaker 1: then I'm going to have the alarm be my favorite
Speaker 1: song so I wake up. The idea is creating that
Speaker 1: if then system sets you up for success rather than
Speaker 1: creating this surprise moment. If you don't create an if
Speaker 1: then system, you're basically living a life full of surprises.
Speaker 1: And if you live a life full of surprises, you
Speaker 1: are always going to end up living the same life
Speaker 1: because when you're surprised, you go back to your old ways.
Speaker 1: Step number six. This is something that I learned from
Speaker 1: my friends who've been a part of AA, and it's
Speaker 1: having someone you call just when you're about to mess up.
Speaker 1: So you have someone in your life that you call
Speaker 1: or message when you're about to mess up, you're about
Speaker 1: to do something you don't want to do, when you've
Speaker 1: promised you're going to break this habit, you have someone
Speaker 1: you call up now. This person doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: working on the same thing. They might have already worked
Speaker 1: through it, which is really really useful in that case,
Speaker 1: or in the simpler sense, it's just a friend that
Speaker 1: you trust that isn't going to mind getting a message
Speaker 1: saying hey, I need some help, just need some reassurance,
Speaker 1: you know, stay with me. Promise me that you're not
Speaker 1: going to let me do this right. That kind of
Speaker 1: person is so helpful because what we really need is
Speaker 1: pattern interruption. So if I feel tired, I'm naturally going
Speaker 1: to turn to a carbi sugary item, and if I
Speaker 1: have someone to call. What it does is it disrupts
Speaker 1: the pattern that I need this thing in my life
Speaker 1: right now. You get to walk it through, talk it through,
Speaker 1: you message someone, you break it down. It gives you
Speaker 1: that space. Having someone to call in those emergency, urgent
Speaker 1: moments can be truly, truly powerful. The seventh step is
Speaker 1: something that the Vedic perspective talks about a lot, and
Speaker 1: it's finding resplacements, having a higher taste. This is something
Speaker 1: we forget to do. You can't let go of something
Speaker 1: without replacing it with something, and this is probably the
Speaker 1: biggest mistake in all of our habit structuring. You can't
Speaker 1: remove something without replacing it. Please do not just try
Speaker 1: to remove something from your life, replace it with something better.
Speaker 1: In the vading perspective, this is called the higher taste.
Speaker 1: You only let go of a lower taste when you
Speaker 1: have a higher taste. So I was reading on healthline
Speaker 1: about how long it takes to really break a habit,
Speaker 1: and I think this is some really important and interesting information.
Speaker 1: So research from twenty twelve looking at habit formation suggests
Speaker 1: ten weeks or about two point five months is a
Speaker 1: more realistic estimate for more people. The main evidence back
Speaker 1: time frame for habit breaking comes from two thousand and
Speaker 1: nine research, which suggests it can take anywhere from eighteen
Speaker 1: to two hundred and fifty four days. This study looked
Speaker 1: at ninety six adults who wanted to change one specific behavior.
Speaker 1: One person formed a new habit in just eighteen days,
Speaker 1: but the other participants needed more time. It took an
Speaker 1: average of sixty six days for the new behavior to
Speaker 1: become automatic, according to study results. So you can try
Speaker 1: to understand that habit formation is not something quick and
Speaker 1: fast and easy. It's going to take time and breaking
Speaker 1: a habit down as well. So when we say, okay,
Speaker 1: well in twenty twenty two, I'm not going to do something,
Speaker 1: that's actually not a good plan. Because when you say well,
Speaker 1: in twenty twenty two, I'm not going to do something,
Speaker 1: you're basically trying to go from one hundred to a
Speaker 1: zero and that doesn't work. So you may say in
Speaker 1: twenty twenty two. I'm trying to go from one hundred
Speaker 1: to ninety right, I'm trying to reduce it. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to break this part of it down. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: understand stand what my motivators are. I'm trying to really
Speaker 1: understand my triggers. In January and in February, I'm going
Speaker 1: to work on an if then plan for my triggers.
Speaker 1: It's a step by step process that I want people
Speaker 1: to take. So I really hope that you're going to
Speaker 1: try and implement this in your life this week. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening to on Purpose. I am
Speaker 1: so so grateful to each and every one of you,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to read some of your amazing reviews.
Speaker 1: This one is from Simone Carter Amazing Podcast. I've heard
Speaker 1: great things about this podcast, so when I recently did
Speaker 1: a cross country trip, I downloaded all of the episodes
Speaker 1: and played it NonStop. The topics, guests and information Jay
Speaker 1: provides through his platform is amazing. Every episode gave me
Speaker 1: applicable advice to improve, opportunities to reflect, and ways to
Speaker 1: get in tune with myself and my values. I was
Speaker 1: in the middle of a big life transition, and this
Speaker 1: podcast helped me feel prepared to take on the challenges
Speaker 1: that came with it because of our genuine and vulnerable
Speaker 1: Jay years. With every podcast, I feel like I'm talking
Speaker 1: with a good friend. I cannot recommend this podcast enough. Wow.
Speaker 1: That is amazing. I am so so grateful. I really
Speaker 1: really appreciate this. This is from Marie B. After listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast for a little over a year now,
Speaker 1: I would absolutely recommend Jay's just so incredible explaining and
Speaker 1: breaking down useful information. You're so kind after each episode,
Speaker 1: you instantly can feel better, adjust your perspective, and have
Speaker 1: helpful information to use in your daily life. He also
Speaker 1: does an amazing job at inviting guests who truly have
Speaker 1: so much to offer and make an hour long podcast
Speaker 1: so easy to listen to. Thank you. Wow, these are incredible.
Speaker 1: I'm just so touched. Honestly, I'm so humbled that I
Speaker 1: get to have this connection and relationship with you and
Speaker 1: keep these reviews coming. And please do leave your name
Speaker 1: so that I can shout you out in the episode
Speaker 1: as well. This is from Tania Beauty, Positivity and Abundance.
Speaker 1: Dear j, thank you for an amazing podcast. I'm a
Speaker 1: new listener, and I look so forward to your uploads.
Speaker 1: You bring beauty, positivity, and abundance to the world, and
Speaker 1: all of your listeners are grateful for your messages and
Speaker 1: your genuine spirit. Thank you, Tanny, and thanks for eaching
Speaker 1: every one of you. I'll see you again. Next to
Speaker 1: Meek