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Speaker 1: You have to truly stop putting yourself in vulnerable positions.

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Speaker 1: Most of us put ourselves in vulnerable positions and then

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Speaker 1: we freak out as to why we don't have enough willpower.

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Speaker 1: You're relying so much on willpower when you've been attracted

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Speaker 1: or addicted or attached to that thing, whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: for so long, that you're actually stressing yourself out. You're

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Speaker 1: actually creating more fatigue in your mind and body by

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Speaker 1: trying to resist something that you're putting so close. Hey, hey, hey, everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. I am so excited for

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Speaker 1: today's session. It has been amazing to see the love

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Speaker 1: that you've been showing the podcast over the first few

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Speaker 1: weeks of the year. It's been incredible to see the engagement,

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Speaker 1: to see how many of you are listening, to see

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Speaker 1: what you're taking away. I am truly truly blown away

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Speaker 1: by your dedication and commitment to the podcast. I could

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Speaker 1: sit here and read reviews all day, and I just

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Speaker 1: want you to know that I appreciate them. They mean

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Speaker 1: the world to me. Please keep leaving your name at

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Speaker 1: the end of them so that I can shout you

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Speaker 1: out in these episodes as well. And I am so

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Speaker 1: excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it.

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Speaker 1: My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out and

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Speaker 1: I cannot wait to share it with you. I am

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Speaker 1: so so excited for you to read this book, for

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Speaker 1: you to listen to this book. I read the audiobook.

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Speaker 1: If you haven't got it already, make sure you go

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Speaker 1: to eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to

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Speaker 1: anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love.

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Speaker 1: So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up,

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Speaker 1: or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.

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Speaker 1: And I'd love to invite you to come and see

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Speaker 1: me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Ja

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Speaker 1: shettytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP

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Speaker 1: experiences and more. I can't wait to see you this year.

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Speaker 1: But today I want to talk to you about how

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Speaker 1: do we break habits? How do we end habits that

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Speaker 1: we no longer need, that no longer serve us in

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Speaker 1: our life. We all have things in our life that

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Speaker 1: we've been doing for a long long time. We have

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Speaker 1: things that have been in our life maybe for a year.

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Speaker 1: We have some things that have been in our lives

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Speaker 1: for a decade, and then there are other things that

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Speaker 1: are maybe crept in in the last few months. But

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Speaker 1: how do you let go of a bad habit you

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Speaker 1: no longer need and no longer serves you. The first

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Speaker 1: thing I'm about to say might surprise you, but it's

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Speaker 1: a really, really interesting thing. The first step to letting

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Speaker 1: go of a bad habit is realizing that it did

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Speaker 1: serve you at one point for a mindset that you

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Speaker 1: currently have. Let me give you an example. Maybe I'm

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Speaker 1: eating unhealthy pathetically speaking, when I realized that at one

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Speaker 1: point that served my mindset, I didn't care about my health.

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Speaker 1: I didn't mind that I was unhealthy, I didn't mind

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Speaker 1: that I was damaging my health, and that served that mindset.

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Speaker 1: Let me accept it rather than just making it negative

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Speaker 1: and toxic and trying to push it away. And you know,

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Speaker 1: when you're pushing something, you're still holding onto it. Right,

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Speaker 1: If you're having to push something away, your hand is

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Speaker 1: still on it, It is still connected to you. Whereas

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Speaker 1: when you just open your hand and you let it

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Speaker 1: fall out, you gracefully and gently let it go. And

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Speaker 1: I find this really fascinating that when we don't want something,

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Speaker 1: we almost want to push it, force it out of

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Speaker 1: our lives. We don't know how to just gently open

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Speaker 1: up and let go. And the way you do that

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Speaker 1: with a habit is you accept this served a mindset

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Speaker 1: that I once had. You accept that this did serve

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Speaker 1: me at one point in time. It no longer serves me.

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Speaker 1: It's not useless, it's not the worst. It's something you hate,

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Speaker 1: it's not something you dislike. It's something that no longer

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Speaker 1: serves you. There's a beautiful verse in the Bulga Geta.

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Speaker 1: This is the book that I reference a lot and

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Speaker 1: think like a monk, and a book that I study

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Speaker 1: during my time as a monk, and it talks about

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Speaker 1: how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.

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Speaker 1: And this is a really, really fascinating concept that when

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Speaker 1: we're attached to something. When you loved eating unhealthy, the

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Speaker 1: natural change now is you now present yourself as being

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Speaker 1: averse to it. You want to hate it, you want

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Speaker 1: to push it away, but that is still an attachment.

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Speaker 1: It still keeps you connected to that idea, it still

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Speaker 1: keeps you in touching distance, it still keeps it in

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Speaker 1: your hand. So first accept this no longer serves me.

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Speaker 1: I'm letting it go. When you want to break a habit,

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Speaker 1: the first thing you have to accept is that this

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Speaker 1: did serve me. It no longer serves me. And I'm

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Speaker 1: letting it go. I'm not forcing it away, I'm not

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Speaker 1: pushing it away. I'm not trying to break it. Even

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Speaker 1: that language that we use, I have to break this habit.

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Speaker 1: We don't have to break it. We have to just

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Speaker 1: let it go. We have to just move on. We

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Speaker 1: have to let it naturally devolve and dissolve from our life.

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Speaker 1: We don't want to break it in the process. And

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Speaker 1: I was having a really beautiful conversation with a friend

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Speaker 1: this morning, and we were talking about how when you

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Speaker 1: do things in an intentional way, even when you sever

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Speaker 1: something or cut something, it actually brings you closer. I

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Speaker 1: had to have a really difficult conversation with a team

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Speaker 1: member recently and I had to share with them some

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Speaker 1: of their performance that I wasn't happy with. But because

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Speaker 1: I also want to help people find their potential and

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Speaker 1: live their purpose and perform at a high level, and

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Speaker 1: also love humans and want people to feel good and

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Speaker 1: feel happy, I tried my best to notice something in

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Speaker 1: them that I believed was unique and their greatest gift

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Speaker 1: So whilst I was giving them honest, transparent feedback, I

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Speaker 1: also wanted to notice the greatness that they have within them,

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Speaker 1: and I was inspired to share that with them as well.

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Speaker 1: And even though I'd have to give them all of

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Speaker 1: this tough feedback, we actually became closer through that conversation. Now,

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Speaker 1: that's remarkable that you could actually break something or end

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Speaker 1: something in a way that it may seem but it

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Speaker 1: actually has a new beginning. And that's how spiritual intentions work.

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Speaker 1: That's the power of living an intentional, conscious life that

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Speaker 1: even when you are cutting a bad habit, you're actually

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Speaker 1: creating a positive relationship with yourself and creating a better

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Speaker 1: relationship with that habit. Often the reason why we swing

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Speaker 1: and pendulum between attachment and aversion is because we never

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Speaker 1: truly let go and disconnect. We go from being attached

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Speaker 1: to something to being averse to it, to hating it,

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Speaker 1: and then we pendulum back to loving it. But if

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Speaker 1: we just opened our hand and let it go because

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Speaker 1: it didn't serve us anymore, we actually have a healthier

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Speaker 1: relationship with it. So attachment and a version are not

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Speaker 1: healthy relationships because you just constantly oscillate back and forth

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Speaker 1: between them. We're actually trying to go beyond attachment and aversion.

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Speaker 1: We're going to acceptance. I accept this served me. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't serve me anymore. I'm letting it go now. The

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Speaker 1: second principle to breaking, we're going to be changing that

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Speaker 1: word to letting go of bad habits is to realize

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Speaker 1: what's motivating you. How many times if you try to

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Speaker 1: break a habit or lose a bad habit, but then

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Speaker 1: it comes right back that attachment and a version that

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Speaker 1: we all experience. There are four things that motivate us.

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Speaker 1: Let's choose the eating unhealthy again. One of the reasons

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Speaker 1: could be fear. You fear being unhealthy, or you fear

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Speaker 1: that people will see you as unhealthy, or you fear

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Speaker 1: that it may affect your career and your family and

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Speaker 1: your children. Fear is one motivator. The one to higher

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Speaker 1: from fear is results. You're motivated by getting a particular result.

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Speaker 1: I want a revenge body, I want that person to

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Speaker 1: feel this way about me. I want to get to

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Speaker 1: this goal because I want to prove something. That intention

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Speaker 1: is better than being motivated by fear, but it is

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Speaker 1: still misleading and not the healthiest. Higher than that is

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Speaker 1: the motivator or intention of duty. You do something out

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Speaker 1: of responsibility and duty that I want to eat healthier

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Speaker 1: because I want to be responsible about my body. I

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Speaker 1: want to be responsible about my family and my children.

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Speaker 1: It's a feeling of responsibility. Now, it's not fear that's

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Speaker 1: motivating you. That's considered a healthier, progressive intention. Now. The

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Speaker 1: fourth motivator that is considered the motivator that is the

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Speaker 1: most profound and powerful, is when we're motivated by love

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Speaker 1: and purpose. We love our body, so we want to

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Speaker 1: take care of it. We love our family, so we

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Speaker 1: want to take care of it. We love food, so

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Speaker 1: we want to honor it and nourish it and eat

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Speaker 1: it in a way that it's good for us. We

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Speaker 1: want to create more experiences of love. Isn't that where

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Speaker 1: we all want to live? But here's the thing. We

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Speaker 1: have to move up the ladder. If something's not been

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Speaker 1: changing for a long time, if you haven't been able

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Speaker 1: to break a habit for a long time, chances are

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Speaker 1: you haven't dialed up the fear enough. You're not really

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Speaker 1: scared of how bad this could be. I realize I

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Speaker 1: love fried food. Who doesn't love fries? Fried vegan wings? Like,

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Speaker 1: who doesn't love something fried? But when I started to

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Speaker 1: really understand how damaging fried food was for me, I

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Speaker 1: interviewed Dave Aspury, it was on my podcast. We talked

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Speaker 1: about this, even doctor Stephen Gundry. When I talk to

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Speaker 1: them about fried food, you start to recognize, Okay, fear

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Speaker 1: is actually going to help me get away from this

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Speaker 1: because I love myself, but I've feared that more so,

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Speaker 1: fear is often the first step. Then from that you

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Speaker 1: now set a goal. You say, Okay, now I want

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Speaker 1: to result. I want to try and not eat fried

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Speaker 1: food because I'm going to try and be healthier. My

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Speaker 1: result is that I'm going to be healthy. Okay, Now

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Speaker 1: I'm doing it responsibly just because it become a natural pattern,

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Speaker 1: and now I'm doing it out of love. So often

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Speaker 1: we stay in fear or we try to do it

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Speaker 1: because of love, and we fail because if you stay

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Speaker 1: in fear, it's not sustainable, and if you try and

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Speaker 1: jump to love, it's not sustainable because we're not there yet.

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Speaker 1: So use fear as the first intention, but then rise

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Speaker 1: to the intention of result, rise to the intention of responsibility,

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Speaker 1: and then rise to the intention of Step number three

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Speaker 1: is know every single trigger. Imagine you were an FBI

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Speaker 1: agent or you're a double O agent. You would be

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Speaker 1: trained to be aware of every potential point of weakness

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Speaker 1: and attack. If you don't know every one of your weaknesses,

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Speaker 1: chances are someone else will. One of your greatest strengths

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Speaker 1: is an awareness of all your weaknesses. We think knowing

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Speaker 1: about our weaknesses makes us weaker, but that's not true.

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Speaker 1: Awareness of your weaknesses can be your greatest strength because

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Speaker 1: when you're aware of all your triggers, guess what you're prepared.

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Speaker 1: You know how many times did you play a little

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Speaker 1: video game when you jump with Mario from place to place,

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Speaker 1: tube to tube and coin to coin, and you start knowing, Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's a trigger there. I know that that animal thing

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Speaker 1: is going to try and eat me. I know I'm

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Speaker 1: going to fall through that gap. When you're aware of

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Speaker 1: the triggers, you can play the game. If you're not

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Speaker 1: aware of the triggers, you're going to be surprised every

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Speaker 1: single time Sonic the Headgehog. Okay, now I'm showing my age,

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Speaker 1: but you take any video game if you're not aware

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Speaker 1: of where the trigger might be, it's going to be

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Speaker 1: really tough. I want you to know every single trigger.

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Speaker 1: So for me, one of my triggers is being hungry

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Speaker 1: while I'm out in the studio. If I get hungry

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Speaker 1: while I'm at the studio, I'm going to turn to

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Speaker 1: a bag of chips that's there, or I'm going to

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Speaker 1: turn to a sugar rich energy bar that isn't really

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Speaker 1: as full of protein as you want it to be.

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Speaker 1: So I know that's a trigger for me. I've literally

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Speaker 1: started carrying around with me a box of nuts and dates.

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Speaker 1: I've started carrying around with me healthier snacks that I

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Speaker 1: can have throughout the day. I have to know that

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Speaker 1: trigger though it's such a specific trigger and it's not

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Speaker 1: something that's in my house. But that's why I have

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Speaker 1: to be aware of it, because I can see that

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Speaker 1: that's where I always fall back into my old habits.

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Speaker 1: What's another place that I fall back into my old habits?

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Speaker 1: Maybe when I'm with a certain group of people, Maybe

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Speaker 1: when I go to a certain space for dinner, a

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Speaker 1: certain place for dinner. Maybe when I'm tired. I know

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Speaker 1: that when I'm tired, I want to eat much more carbs, sugar,

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Speaker 1: and the things that aren't great for me. Are you

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Speaker 1: aware of every single trigger. I want you to write

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Speaker 1: down every single trigger possible. Do not leave any stone

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Speaker 1: unturned in this activity. This is actually the reason why

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Speaker 1: we keep failing and keep messing up because we haven't

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Speaker 1: made a list of every possible, single trigger. I really

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Speaker 1: mean it, every single one. You're not going to miss

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Speaker 1: a single one. I want every single trigger. The forward

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Speaker 1: step is removed, the triggers that don't need to be

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Speaker 1: in close proximity. I've always joked about this. I call

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Speaker 1: it the world's worst snack drawer. It's the snack drawer

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Speaker 1: we have in our house. Rather has removed all unhealthy

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Speaker 1: items from the snack drawer. It's only full of healthy items,

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Speaker 1: which I actually enjoy Now. It's taken me a while,

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Speaker 1: but I call it the world's worst snack drawer, and

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Speaker 1: the removal of those triggers from my space has forced

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Speaker 1: me to healthier habits. I'll pick a fruit instead of

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Speaker 1: a bad snack. I'll pick a healthy snack instead of

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Speaker 1: an unhealthy snack. I'll pick a walk instead of a

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Speaker 1: snack at all. Right, I realized walking to that drawer

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Speaker 1: and not wanting anything from it is sometimes what makes

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Speaker 1: the healthiest choice. We have to remove the triggers from

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Speaker 1: our close proximity. What are the distractions? What are the things?

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Speaker 1: I had a friend who was addicted to pornography, and

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Speaker 1: the only way that he could work on that is

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Speaker 1: he had to ban every site from his phone. He

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Speaker 1: had to ban every site from his laptop, He had

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Speaker 1: to sleep away from his laptop, he had to keep

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Speaker 1: his phone in another room. Like he really wanted to

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Speaker 1: break that habit. You really wanted to let go of

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Speaker 1: that habit, And the only way to let go of

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Speaker 1: it was to not keep the triggers so close. He

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Speaker 1: had to mute a bunch of people that he followed

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Speaker 1: on Instagram. Right, And so are you truly giving yourself

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Speaker 1: the best chance? Most of us are setting ourselves up

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Speaker 1: for failure by still putting ourselves in vulnerable positions. And

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Speaker 1: that's the interesting thing about this. It's that if you

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Speaker 1: really want to let go of this habit, you have

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Speaker 1: to truly stop putting yourself in vulnerable positions. Most of

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Speaker 1: us put ourselves in vulnerable positions, and then we freak

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Speaker 1: out as to why we don't have enough willpower. You're

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Speaker 1: relying so much on willpower when you've been a tracked

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Speaker 1: it or addicted or attached to that thing, whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: for so long that you're actually stressing yourself out. You're

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Speaker 1: actually creating more fatigue in your mind and body by

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Speaker 1: trying to resist something that you're putting so close. Step

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Speaker 1: number five. Create a system for each trigger you can't remove.

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Speaker 1: This is called an if then system. If I'm at

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Speaker 1: the studio, then I take dates and nuts with me.

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Speaker 1: If I am hungry at a gas station, I know,

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Speaker 1: then these are the bars that I can choose from.

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Speaker 1: If I am at the airport and I forgot to

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Speaker 1: pack a meal, then this is what I would turn to.

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Speaker 1: Until you create an if then plan for each and

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Speaker 1: every one of your triggers, you're basically saying, I'll decide

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Speaker 1: in the moment, and in the moment, you're always going

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Speaker 1: to go to your default conditioned state. In the moment,

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Speaker 1: it's very difficult to shrug off and shake off your conditioning.

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Speaker 1: It's really really difficult, and you're creating more stress, pressure,

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Speaker 1: attention for your mind and body to go through in

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Speaker 1: that moment. If I miss my alarm, then what am

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Speaker 1: I going to do? How are you going to change that?

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Speaker 1: If I don't feel like waking up in the morning,

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Speaker 1: then I'm going to have the alarm be my favorite

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Speaker 1: song so I wake up. The idea is creating that

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Speaker 1: if then system sets you up for success rather than

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Speaker 1: creating this surprise moment. If you don't create an if

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Speaker 1: then system, you're basically living a life full of surprises.

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Speaker 1: And if you live a life full of surprises, you

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Speaker 1: are always going to end up living the same life

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Speaker 1: because when you're surprised, you go back to your old ways.

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Speaker 1: Step number six. This is something that I learned from

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Speaker 1: my friends who've been a part of AA, and it's

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Speaker 1: having someone you call just when you're about to mess up.

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Speaker 1: So you have someone in your life that you call

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Speaker 1: or message when you're about to mess up, you're about

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Speaker 1: to do something you don't want to do, when you've

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Speaker 1: promised you're going to break this habit, you have someone

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Speaker 1: you call up now. This person doesn't have to be

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Speaker 1: working on the same thing. They might have already worked

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Speaker 1: through it, which is really really useful in that case,

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Speaker 1: or in the simpler sense, it's just a friend that

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Speaker 1: you trust that isn't going to mind getting a message

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Speaker 1: saying hey, I need some help, just need some reassurance,

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Speaker 1: you know, stay with me. Promise me that you're not

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Speaker 1: going to let me do this right. That kind of

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Speaker 1: person is so helpful because what we really need is

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Speaker 1: pattern interruption. So if I feel tired, I'm naturally going

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Speaker 1: to turn to a carbi sugary item, and if I

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Speaker 1: have someone to call. What it does is it disrupts

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Speaker 1: the pattern that I need this thing in my life

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Speaker 1: right now. You get to walk it through, talk it through,

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Speaker 1: you message someone, you break it down. It gives you

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Speaker 1: that space. Having someone to call in those emergency, urgent

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Speaker 1: moments can be truly, truly powerful. The seventh step is

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Speaker 1: something that the Vedic perspective talks about a lot, and

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Speaker 1: it's finding resplacements, having a higher taste. This is something

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Speaker 1: we forget to do. You can't let go of something

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Speaker 1: without replacing it with something, and this is probably the

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Speaker 1: biggest mistake in all of our habit structuring. You can't

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Speaker 1: remove something without replacing it. Please do not just try

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Speaker 1: to remove something from your life, replace it with something better.

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Speaker 1: In the vading perspective, this is called the higher taste.

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Speaker 1: You only let go of a lower taste when you

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Speaker 1: have a higher taste. So I was reading on healthline

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Speaker 1: about how long it takes to really break a habit,

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Speaker 1: and I think this is some really important and interesting information.

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Speaker 1: So research from twenty twelve looking at habit formation suggests

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Speaker 1: ten weeks or about two point five months is a

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Speaker 1: more realistic estimate for more people. The main evidence back

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Speaker 1: time frame for habit breaking comes from two thousand and

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Speaker 1: nine research, which suggests it can take anywhere from eighteen

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Speaker 1: to two hundred and fifty four days. This study looked

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Speaker 1: at ninety six adults who wanted to change one specific behavior.

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Speaker 1: One person formed a new habit in just eighteen days,

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Speaker 1: but the other participants needed more time. It took an

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Speaker 1: average of sixty six days for the new behavior to

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Speaker 1: become automatic, according to study results. So you can try

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Speaker 1: to understand that habit formation is not something quick and

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Speaker 1: fast and easy. It's going to take time and breaking

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Speaker 1: a habit down as well. So when we say, okay,

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Speaker 1: well in twenty twenty two, I'm not going to do something,

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Speaker 1: that's actually not a good plan. Because when you say well,

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Speaker 1: in twenty twenty two, I'm not going to do something,

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Speaker 1: you're basically trying to go from one hundred to a

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Speaker 1: zero and that doesn't work. So you may say in

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty two. I'm trying to go from one hundred

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Speaker 1: to ninety right, I'm trying to reduce it. I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to break this part of it down. I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: understand stand what my motivators are. I'm trying to really

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Speaker 1: understand my triggers. In January and in February, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to work on an if then plan for my triggers.

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Speaker 1: It's a step by step process that I want people

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Speaker 1: to take. So I really hope that you're going to

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Speaker 1: try and implement this in your life this week. Thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for listening to on Purpose. I am

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Speaker 1: so so grateful to each and every one of you,

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to read some of your amazing reviews.

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Speaker 1: This one is from Simone Carter Amazing Podcast. I've heard

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Speaker 1: great things about this podcast, so when I recently did

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Speaker 1: a cross country trip, I downloaded all of the episodes

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Speaker 1: and played it NonStop. The topics, guests and information Jay

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Speaker 1: provides through his platform is amazing. Every episode gave me

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Speaker 1: applicable advice to improve, opportunities to reflect, and ways to

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Speaker 1: get in tune with myself and my values. I was

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Speaker 1: in the middle of a big life transition, and this

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Speaker 1: podcast helped me feel prepared to take on the challenges

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Speaker 1: that came with it because of our genuine and vulnerable

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Speaker 1: Jay years. With every podcast, I feel like I'm talking

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Speaker 1: with a good friend. I cannot recommend this podcast enough. Wow.

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Speaker 1: That is amazing. I am so so grateful. I really

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Speaker 1: really appreciate this. This is from Marie B. After listening

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Speaker 1: to this podcast for a little over a year now,

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Speaker 1: I would absolutely recommend Jay's just so incredible explaining and

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Speaker 1: breaking down useful information. You're so kind after each episode,

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Speaker 1: you instantly can feel better, adjust your perspective, and have

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Speaker 1: helpful information to use in your daily life. He also

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Speaker 1: does an amazing job at inviting guests who truly have

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Speaker 1: so much to offer and make an hour long podcast

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Speaker 1: so easy to listen to. Thank you. Wow, these are incredible.

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Speaker 1: I'm just so touched. Honestly, I'm so humbled that I

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Speaker 1: get to have this connection and relationship with you and

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Speaker 1: keep these reviews coming. And please do leave your name

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00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,040
Speaker 1: so that I can shout you out in the episode

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Speaker 1: as well. This is from Tania Beauty, Positivity and Abundance.

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Speaker 1: Dear j, thank you for an amazing podcast. I'm a

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Speaker 1: new listener, and I look so forward to your uploads.

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Speaker 1: You bring beauty, positivity, and abundance to the world, and

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Speaker 1: all of your listeners are grateful for your messages and

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Speaker 1: your genuine spirit. Thank you, Tanny, and thanks for eaching

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Speaker 1: every one of you. I'll see you again. Next to

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Speaker 1: Meek