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Speaker 1: Now here's a highlight from Coast to Coast AM on iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to Coast to Coast AM. I am Lisa

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Speaker 2: gar and my guest is Ken Druck. He's a wonderful author.

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Speaker 2: Among many books, he has written one called How We

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Speaker 2: Go On? And Ken, my question for you is, how

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Speaker 2: do we go on knowing that there is going to

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Speaker 2: be more turmoil, There's always going to be more conflict,

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Speaker 2: There's going to be another devastating event that happens, another shooting.

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Speaker 2: How do we go on knowing that it's not.

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Speaker 3: Going to end well? I think I think there are

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Speaker 3: a couple of things we do. You know, we're all

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Speaker 3: first of all, we realize that this is a challenging

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Speaker 3: time to be alive and the stress, the cumulative stress

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Speaker 3: of the fact that we live in a world that's

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Speaker 3: so closely connected. Something bad happens anywhere in the world.

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Speaker 3: Guess what you're going to find out about it. You

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Speaker 3: could find out about it instantly, you could go online

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Speaker 3: right now, or you know, turn on the radio, turn

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Speaker 3: on the television, and you're going to find out. So

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Speaker 3: we are often assaulted by bad news, and we have

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Speaker 3: each of us has a responsibility of self care. I

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Speaker 3: wrote a book that called the Self Care Handbook, and

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Speaker 3: part of it says that we need to take honest

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Speaker 3: responsibility for ourselves. We can't just simply blindly overload with

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Speaker 3: bad news. So the first thing is to make sure

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Speaker 3: you're not overloading. The second thing is to understand, yes,

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Speaker 3: that we live in a world where in any given moment,

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Speaker 3: there's more suffering and more joy than we can imagine.

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Speaker 3: There are more people dancing, celebrating, experiencing a miracle, falling

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Speaker 3: in love, you know, finding there the person of their dreams,

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Speaker 3: celebrating that the person of their dreams has joy at

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Speaker 3: a child, or has gotten married, or has gotten the

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Speaker 3: job of their dreams. You know, there's more joy, and

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Speaker 3: there's more opportunity for joy in our own lives. There

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Speaker 3: are good things happening in all of our lives if

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Speaker 3: we pay attention to them. So I think we have

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Speaker 3: to balance all of it out. We have to maintain

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Speaker 3: the perspective that there's more suffering. Sure, if you think

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Speaker 3: about what's happening around the world, there are people you know,

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Speaker 3: and at risk. There are people whose lives are at risk.

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Speaker 3: You know, we have the situation going on in Ukraine ongoing.

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Speaker 3: It's like, oh my god, because is that really happening.

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Speaker 3: There are people who really are living with missiles coming

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Speaker 3: in who don't know, you know, whose country is being

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Speaker 3: taken over? Because what's happening in the Middle East is

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Speaker 3: that real. Could could terrorists have honestly done what they

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Speaker 3: did in Israel when you think about it. I've worked,

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Speaker 3: I've been working with kids and with some of the

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Speaker 3: kibbutz's I've got, you know, gotten called to help out.

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Speaker 3: And I've never experienced in my in my life and

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Speaker 3: my life's work, the horrors of what happened on the

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Speaker 3: sixth of October. It's it is unimaginable and unspeakable some

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Speaker 3: of it. How do people go on? How do you

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Speaker 3: just you know, continue on in life? There's a there's

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Speaker 3: a period of you know, when the shock begins to

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Speaker 3: wear off and the reality sets in. How do we

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Speaker 3: go on? How do we just continue living? Well, there's

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Speaker 3: something I call the Seven Honorings. There are seven things

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Speaker 3: that we can do to honor the people that we've

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Speaker 3: lost in the horrors that we've been through. And it's

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Speaker 3: really a program for self care and survival. And that's

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Speaker 3: part of that's part of the new book is you know,

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Speaker 3: is really looking at what do we do? My God,

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Speaker 3: how do we overcome? And some of us are going

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Speaker 3: through relationship breakups. Our hearts are breaking, but it's but

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Speaker 3: it's because somebody we love, somebody we invested so much

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Speaker 3: energy and time and heart with. You know, it hasn't

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Speaker 3: worked out, and we're just we're trying to figure out

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Speaker 3: how am I going to go on from this? When

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Speaker 3: my heart is in such sorrow, when I feel so

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Speaker 3: much heaviness, Well, it's possible. And for me it was,

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Speaker 3: you know, understanding, am I going to make my pain

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Speaker 3: and my fear the central organizing principle of my life?

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Speaker 3: Or am I going to make my love and my

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Speaker 3: belief that that I can turn the lemon into lemonade.

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Speaker 3: I can turn this fear and this pain back into

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Speaker 3: good things. I can write new chapters of life. I

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Speaker 3: can make new memories. I can I can keep my mind,

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Speaker 3: heart open. That's my work right now, keep my heart

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Speaker 3: open and keep doing the things that are helping me heal,

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Speaker 3: rather than having my foot on my throat, rather than

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Speaker 3: surrounding myself with people who just kind of bring me down,

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Speaker 3: rather than surrounding myself with only bad news, you know,

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Speaker 3: or news that kind of drains me or drags me downward.

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Speaker 3: So there are things we can do and that we

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Speaker 3: must do, because there are wonderful new chapters of life

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Speaker 3: awaiting us if we give it a chance. Is it

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Speaker 3: we give it a chance?

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Speaker 2: We know how the law of attraction or acting as if,

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Speaker 2: or any visualization, all of these things, these these techniques

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Speaker 2: that our community talks so much about in the personal

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Speaker 2: development community, of seeing yourself or the other person as

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Speaker 2: whole and complete. We were talking a little bit about

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Speaker 2: this before. And is that something that can you can

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Speaker 2: do even in the midst of all the chaos, that

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Speaker 2: you can see it as whole and complete, chunking up

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Speaker 2: to the highest order, knowing that there might be joy

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Speaker 2: somewhere within it.

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Speaker 3: I think in the beginning the answer is no. In

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Speaker 3: the beginning, you know, I had I had a dear

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Speaker 3: friend of mine who was one of the authors of

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Speaker 3: the biggest book on you know, this kind of positive

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Speaker 3: thinking and in the law of attraction work, And you

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Speaker 3: know he had this person had called me and said,

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Speaker 3: please call me back. I had just left working with

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Speaker 3: a family. Their daughter had been kid I had been missing.

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Speaker 3: She had been kidnapped, and she had been raped and murdered,

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Speaker 3: and I had just come from the funeral home where

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Speaker 3: they came to see her body for the first time.

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Speaker 3: And I got in the car. My heart was just

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Speaker 3: breaking for them, even though it was very beautiful what

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Speaker 3: they said to her, what they did, and the time

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Speaker 3: they spent with her, and what they felt they needed

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Speaker 3: to do going forward. But I got into the car

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Speaker 3: and called my friend back, and on his answering machine,

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Speaker 3: it was, you know, remember, it's your choice to have

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Speaker 3: a nice day. And I was thinking, Yeah, I'm going

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Speaker 3: to call these parents and tell them, you know, it's

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Speaker 3: your choice to have a nice day. Your daughter was

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Speaker 3: just murdered, you know, but it's your choice. No, it's

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Speaker 3: not a choice. It's choiceless. They're going to feel trauma,

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Speaker 3: they're going to feel sorrow, they're going to feel anger,

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Speaker 3: They're going to go through this horrific dark night of

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Speaker 3: the soul moment. So I think sometimes we feel like

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Speaker 3: we can positive think people who have just suffered an

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Speaker 3: extreme loss and who are traumatized and who are just

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Speaker 3: need they just need somebody to be with them, not

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Speaker 3: to figure them out or fix them, or to try

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Speaker 3: to take away their pain, or to try to restore

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Speaker 3: their hope. They need somebody to just be with them,

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Speaker 3: to stand with them, to sit with them, to listen

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Speaker 3: to them, to show them love, to take some of

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Speaker 3: the burden off of their trying to function. They're trying

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Speaker 3: to function because all the winds has been taken out

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Speaker 3: of their sales. I think in the beginning, we just

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Speaker 3: need to be patient and loving and realize that they're

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Speaker 3: going to need us for a time, not just simply

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Speaker 3: you know, oh, I'll go to the funeral or I'll

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Speaker 3: go to you know they're going to I mean, then

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Speaker 3: I'll get impatient with them. What are they going to

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Speaker 3: get over it? It's it's it's more of a just

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Speaker 3: walking with somebody encouraging them, but lightly being with and

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Speaker 3: listening to them and helping them think about what their

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Speaker 3: options are. And I think then at some point, Lisa,

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Speaker 3: at some point telling people that I have every faith

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Speaker 3: that you are going to summon, and the word summon

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Speaker 3: here is the critical word. You are going to somehow

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Speaker 3: find the strength, summon the newfound strength, the courage, the ability,

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Speaker 3: the willingness to go on and to make whatever time

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Speaker 3: you have remaining to fill it with meaning, to fill

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Speaker 3: it with a sense of purpose, and you could even

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Speaker 3: write you know, this is the point at which why

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Speaker 3: is my book doing so well? Because so many people

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Speaker 3: are giving it as a gift to somebody who's going

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Speaker 3: through this. We send hundreds of copies to the Middle East,

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Speaker 3: you know. But it's okay to get help and to

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Speaker 3: get guidance and support. As a matter of fact, it's

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Speaker 3: essential for us to all have at least one trusted confidante,

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Speaker 3: somebody who we could really talk with. They're not going

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Speaker 3: to try to figure us out and fix us. They're

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Speaker 3: going to listen. They're going to walk with us. They're

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Speaker 3: gonna they're going to listen to us, to what we

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Speaker 3: say and where, and they're gonna they're going to take

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Speaker 3: support from us that they have asked for, not unsolicited advice,

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Speaker 3: not putting a big spiritual spin on something or a

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Speaker 3: big psychological spin on something. You know, they don't need

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Speaker 3: our opinions and us telling them what to feel and

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Speaker 3: what to do. They need our our our us being

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Speaker 3: there as a healing presence, listening and caring and offering

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Speaker 3: up support and saying, hey, you know, I was thinking

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Speaker 3: could I bring over, you know, dinner, would that be

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Speaker 3: a good thing for would that be helpful this week?

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Speaker 3: Or I was thinking, you know, could I pick up

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Speaker 3: your kids that you know, or take the kids out,

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Speaker 3: or you know, just offering concrete and they'll tell you right,

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Speaker 3: tell you.

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Speaker 2: If you could offer you I know, I was reading

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Speaker 2: the beginning of your book about the on the chapters

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Speaker 2: you say how do we learn during our teen years?

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Speaker 2: And I read that specifically about how do we learn

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Speaker 2: with our first losses, loss of a pet or loss

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Speaker 2: of maybe a grandparent or something, and how do we

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Speaker 2: how are we the skills that we learn at the

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Speaker 2: very earliest onset of managing loss. A lot of people

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Speaker 2: around us say, oh, it's okay, You're going to be okay,

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Speaker 2: and it's it is actually counterproductive, it is and yeah,

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Speaker 2: and I don't remember my first.

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Speaker 3: Go on I talk about the dos and don'ts of

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Speaker 3: supporting somebody who has suffered a loss or a setback,

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Speaker 3: and that do and don't list. You're starting it off beautifully.

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Speaker 3: It's like, what the do not come up with a cliche?

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Speaker 3: You know? I had people telling me the first week

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Speaker 3: after my daughter died, oh, don't worry she's in a

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Speaker 3: better place. No, her place is here with me, right,

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Speaker 3: I want to I want to hear that, or in

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Speaker 3: the glass is half full? People ask me often, they'll

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Speaker 3: say do you have another daughter? It's like, don't please,

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Speaker 3: don't say something like that to me, you know, it's

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Speaker 3: like how many kids do you have? You know? And

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Speaker 3: it's not the time that I that I want to

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Speaker 3: be Oh my god, I have another one at home?

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Speaker 3: Why am I so sad? You know? So sometimes we

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Speaker 3: don't act as very grief literate, compassionate, sensitive, or aware

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Speaker 3: of people. And we need to go to that dos

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Speaker 3: and don't list and say maybe the way that I

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Speaker 3: would handle this if it were me isn't the way

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Speaker 3: isn't the best way to handle this? And if we're

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Speaker 3: willing to be, you know, all of us are a

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Speaker 3: work in progress. We're all learning, we're all growing. I

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Speaker 3: learned something every day about how to turn the kindness

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Speaker 3: I'm learning to show to myself show that kindness to

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Speaker 3: somebody else. If I'm learning how to take better care

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Speaker 3: of myself, how do I show that care to somebody else?

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Speaker 3: When we do it with ourselves, you know, we're more

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Speaker 3: inclined to do it with other people? How do we

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Speaker 3: show up for other people as we learn to show

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Speaker 3: up for ourselves? And so there's so much for all

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Speaker 3: of us to learn, making every day an opportunity to

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Speaker 3: learn something new. I start my day with a kind

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Speaker 3: of morning walk, and I have always had a couple

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Speaker 3: of questions with me that I ask every morning when

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Speaker 3: I walk. I'll say, what's weighing most heavily today? What's

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Speaker 3: weighing most heavily on my heart? And then I'll ask myself, Okay,

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Speaker 3: now you answer that, what is making your heart sing today?

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Speaker 3: What is happening in your life today that you're looking

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Speaker 3: forward to that really is making that makes you happy,

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Speaker 3: that gives you a sense of passion for for what

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Speaker 3: you're doing in your life. Then I might ask myself,

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Speaker 3: what do you What am I most today? What am

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Speaker 3: I feeling most grateful for? Or what promise would I

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Speaker 3: be willing to make to myself today? What promise? What

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Speaker 3: good thing can I promise I will do for myself today?

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Speaker 3: So I think we have to set our own self care,

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Speaker 3: our own kindness, our own compassion meters. We have to

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Speaker 3: set them right in the beginning of the day, rather

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Speaker 3: than oh, my god, what am I going to do today?

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Speaker 3: You know, and watch our attitude, watch the way we

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Speaker 3: talk to ourselves and the way we treat ourselves. And

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Speaker 3: when we do that, it really sets us up to

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Speaker 3: cope with even the heaviest, the heaviest, most burdensome things

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Speaker 3: that we're worried about that we're scared are going to

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Speaker 3: happen or not happen.

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Speaker 2: Yes.

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Speaker 3: Yes.

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Speaker 2: And then did finding meaning, not meaning, but a purpose

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Speaker 2: in life life help you move on or go forward

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Speaker 2: from the grief? Not that the grief ever goes away, right,

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Speaker 2: It doesn't.

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Speaker 1: Does it?

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Speaker 3: The grief? You know, people ask me, Ken, does it

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Speaker 3: ever get better? Especially people who just suffer a loss,

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Speaker 3: and they're saying, am I going to have to? Am

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Speaker 3: I going to go through this every day for the

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Speaker 3: rest of my life? And I say, you know what,

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Speaker 3: it doesn't get better. It gets different. It gets different

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Speaker 3: because you know, it's kind of like you and I

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Speaker 3: have something in common with having what we've gone through.

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Speaker 3: You know, your accident and what you had to recover.

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Speaker 3: You know, when people said, Lisa, how are you doing

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Speaker 3: after your accident? And you know, recovering your sense of

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Speaker 3: health and wholeness and clarity and in the way you're

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Speaker 3: able to function. You know, It's like, you know what,

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Speaker 3: every day is different, and there are actually some things

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Speaker 3: about what's happened to me that I've managed to turn

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Speaker 3: into seeing what's good and what's beautiful and appreciating my

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Speaker 3: ability to heal, you know, and and what I need,

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Speaker 3: what I can be grateful for, and what I'm now

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Speaker 3: so much more aware of. So how we how we

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Speaker 3: look at what's happened to us? How we frame it?

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Speaker 3: Do we lock ourselves down into feeling like a victim?

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Speaker 3: And and and and really, when we're getting seduced into

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Speaker 3: hopelessness or despair or anger or indifference to the pain

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Speaker 3: of other people, you know, do we do we seduce

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Speaker 3: ourselves into that state of mind and state of heart?

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Speaker 3: Or do we give ourselves messages of encouragement and gratitude

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Speaker 3: and say, you know what, there are some things that

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Speaker 3: I can be I can look at today and be

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Speaker 3: grateful for and for me finding meaning, you know, I

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Speaker 3: have my daughter died. I started a nonprofit foundation. The

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Speaker 3: one of the seven honorings that I talked about earlier

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Speaker 3: is is do something good in their name?

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Speaker 2: That is yes, very.

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Speaker 3: That's the way, it's a path of honor you. First

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Speaker 3: of all, you survive their death. Second of all, you

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Speaker 3: do something good in their name. Third of all, you

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Speaker 3: begin to create a spiritual relationship with them, because there's

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Speaker 3: a love that never dies.

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Speaker 1: Listen to more Coast to Coast AM every weeknight at

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Speaker 1: one a m. Eastern and go to Coast to coastam

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