1 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:14,480 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly 2 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 3 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,480 Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 4 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,599 Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or 6 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:35,560 Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 7 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope 8 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:43,199 Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it 9 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,400 Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with 10 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much 11 00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: for joining me for Session one oh nine of the 12 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,000 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. In today's session, we'll be 13 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,480 Speaker 1: digging into the impact that bullying can have on teenage girls, 14 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: how you can tell if a teen in your life 15 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: is being bullied, and how to respond if you find 16 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: out your teen is bullying others. But first, let's show 17 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: some love to our sponsors. Support for today's episode comes 18 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:26,039 Speaker 1: from Natural Sious. 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Her practice Rise Counseling Group focuses on 42 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,240 Speaker 1: the mental wellness of black teen girls and women and 43 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: other women of color, offering them space to heal and 44 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 1: have hope when dealing with anxiety and depression. The ASIA 45 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: is a firm believer in having the conversation to help 46 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,880 Speaker 1: clients be released from the junk they carry with them 47 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 1: day to day as black women, daughters, sisters, and partners. 48 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,920 Speaker 1: The Asia and I chatted about what bullying looks like 49 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,360 Speaker 1: for teen girls today, what therapy might look like for 50 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: both teens and parents of either a team being bullied 51 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,640 Speaker 1: or the one bullying others, and how to interact with 52 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: school officials if your team is being bullied. If you 53 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,040 Speaker 1: hear anything while listening that really resonates with you, please 54 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: share with us on social media using the hashtag TPG 55 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: in session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for 56 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:49,240 Speaker 1: joining us today, The Asia. Thank you for having me. Yeah, 57 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: I'm excited for you to chat with us. You know, 58 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,480 Speaker 1: so we were talking before we started recording today, just 59 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:58,640 Speaker 1: about you know, the incredibly heartbreaking stories that we continue 60 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 1: to see related to you, adolescents in teens dying by suicide, 61 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 1: and then finding out a lot of the back story 62 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 1: around this is then being bullied in schools and in 63 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 1: social situations. So I really wanted to take this time 64 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 1: to kind of chat about, like what's going on with 65 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:17,080 Speaker 1: our tea girls in schools and in their lives, and 66 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 1: what kinds of things can we do as the adults 67 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 1: in their lives to really kind of help shape some 68 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 1: of this behavior. So can you start just by telling 69 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 1: us about what are some of the frequent causes of bullying? 70 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 1: Like why might we see this in our teens lives? 71 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:36,160 Speaker 1: So sometimes we see bullying from the bullies perspective, right, 72 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 1: we see that sometimes they have different things going on 73 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,080 Speaker 1: at home. There's that saying that hurt people, hurt people, 74 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:48,280 Speaker 1: and so we sometimes will see that these teens or 75 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:53,039 Speaker 1: children are often experiencing different things at home which cause 76 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,800 Speaker 1: negative emotions. And we know that when we tend to 77 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 1: have our own negative emotions, those behaviors can turn outwardly 78 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,360 Speaker 1: and it can sometimes turn to other people. So we 79 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,840 Speaker 1: see that a lot when we see teams that are bullying, 80 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,560 Speaker 1: they may not have folks talking to them and encouraging 81 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,560 Speaker 1: them at home. They may not have folks, you know, 82 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 1: just being a sounding board or someone that they can 83 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: really express themselves. To when they're having their own negative emotions, 84 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: and so sometimes we see that they turn not to 85 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 1: other teams, and they can take different forms, like the 86 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 1: caddy behaviors we see, you know, on social media since 87 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,720 Speaker 1: that's so big. Now, we'll see like the online bullying 88 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:38,960 Speaker 1: now and we may see sometimes physical aggression. So it 89 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: depends on that teams experience, but yeah, we see it 90 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 1: in different forms. So yeah, and what you're kind of 91 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 1: talking about made me think about the whole idea of 92 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: really making sure that we understand developmentally what's going on 93 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: for teams, right, I mean, because you even see some 94 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: adults who don't do the best job of you know, 95 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,279 Speaker 1: handling their emotions and may be acting out in ways 96 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:03,599 Speaker 1: that may not be super productive. And so when we 97 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,880 Speaker 1: think about teams, can you talk a little bit about 98 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: some of the developmental things that may be going on 99 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 1: for them that either make them may be more susceptible 100 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:15,719 Speaker 1: to being bullied or being the bullies themselves. Absolutely, so, 101 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:20,640 Speaker 1: just an understanding team development first and foremost, a teenager's 102 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: brain is not fully developed. So if you have a 103 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:27,719 Speaker 1: fifteen year old making rash decisions when they're still in 104 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:32,040 Speaker 1: kind of like the operational state, meaning they're still can 105 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 1: be impulsive, right, And sometimes what that looks like for 106 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: some teams is that things that we as adults may 107 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,760 Speaker 1: not see as very urgent or you know, at this 108 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 1: stage in the game, for us, it may not seem urgent. 109 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,480 Speaker 1: To them, it seems very urgent. It seems very important, 110 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,840 Speaker 1: and so there's a lot of impulsivity and their decision making. 111 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 1: It's where it should be developmentally, but it may not 112 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,559 Speaker 1: necessarily be healthy for them, right. So if they feel bad, 113 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,440 Speaker 1: then for them, that emotion is so intense and it 114 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:07,599 Speaker 1: may lead to them, you know, acting out in a 115 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: negative manner towards another person because I feel bad that 116 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: you're gonna feel bad, and it's very impulsive. And sometimes 117 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: as teams were focused on having a girlfriend or having 118 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: a boyfriend, those relationships are really important to us at 119 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,760 Speaker 1: that age, and hanging out, being accepted by our friends, 120 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,240 Speaker 1: and really trying to figure out who, you know, who 121 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: they are apart from their parents is what they're facing 122 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,840 Speaker 1: during this time, and so different social situations may come 123 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 1: up in which they have to make, you know, different decisions, 124 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:46,080 Speaker 1: and so we see those social situations coming up, and 125 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: if they're making decisions that are apart from the crowd. 126 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes that can lead to them feeling isolated or feeling 127 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,120 Speaker 1: like they're being bullied, because then folks can start talking 128 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 1: and those relationships change based on the decisions that they're making. 129 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,680 Speaker 1: And so we see in this stage some of the 130 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,520 Speaker 1: things that they're facing and some of their emotions and 131 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,880 Speaker 1: the intensity of their emotions really can't impact their decision making. 132 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,040 Speaker 1: And I know you work with a lot of teens 133 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: in your practice, so I'm sure that this has come 134 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,760 Speaker 1: up for you, probably on both ends, right, like working 135 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 1: with teen girls who have experienced being bullied as well 136 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,680 Speaker 1: as the teens who are maybe doing the bullying. Right, 137 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 1: so working on both and a lot of what I 138 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 1: work with when I'm working with girls that are being 139 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: bullied is helping them to understand first and foremost that 140 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,959 Speaker 1: they're not doing anything wrong, and helping to empower them 141 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 1: to understand that they're awesome and sometimes we do have 142 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,440 Speaker 1: to stand apart, especially if it's related to the social situations, 143 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:56,079 Speaker 1: but also helping them to develop a strong sense of self, 144 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: because I think that's important even into their college years 145 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 1: and all of that, Like having that strong sense of 146 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:05,000 Speaker 1: self is very important on the end, working with the 147 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:08,720 Speaker 1: teams that have bully is really getting into the heart 148 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 1: of where are those negative emotions coming from, what's causing 149 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,959 Speaker 1: them to feel like they have to act outwardly and 150 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 1: finding other ways to express their negative emotion. When I 151 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,959 Speaker 1: worked in residential, I saw a lot of that on 152 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: both sides, right, because we had girls that were as 153 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 1: certain their dominance in in the mil you and then 154 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: we have the girls that were on the receiving end 155 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,559 Speaker 1: of that. And so it's a balance to act because 156 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,920 Speaker 1: you want to affirm everyone, but we also want to 157 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,559 Speaker 1: get to the heart of the behaviors that help them 158 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 1: understand like this is not okay. It's okay to feel upset, 159 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:50,439 Speaker 1: It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad, disappointed, embarrassed, 160 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 1: all that. All of that is okay. But we have 161 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: different ways of handling that. And it doesn't have to 162 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,280 Speaker 1: include you being physically aggress so towards somebody else. It 163 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 1: doesn't have to include you being verbally aggressive towards someone else, 164 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,559 Speaker 1: And it doesn't have to include you belitteraling someone else, 165 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: because for one, you may know how that feels. Yeah, 166 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 1: and I think you do hear that often, right, that 167 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,560 Speaker 1: people are a lot of times people who end up 168 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 1: bullying have often had the experience of being bullied in 169 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 1: the past. Yeah, because we learned that behavior from somewhere. 170 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 1: Kids are not in a vacuum right there picking up 171 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 1: all of our stuff. They're little sponges from the tiny 172 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 1: years on their sponges, and we as parents are teaching them. 173 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:39,200 Speaker 1: So sometimes we also have to be mindful of our 174 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: behaviors in terms of how we even talk to our teams, right, 175 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:46,839 Speaker 1: because they model our behaviors and sometimes they also give 176 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 1: it back to us, which is not always fun, but 177 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: they definitely model our behaviors. And so if we're constantly belittling, 178 00:10:55,640 --> 00:11:00,320 Speaker 1: you know, our own daughters, then that could look out 179 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,959 Speaker 1: really when they go to school, there's always you know, 180 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,920 Speaker 1: maybe some belittling being done towards someone else who they 181 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 1: made you as being weaker or you know, not as dominant. 182 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 1: So we have to also be mindful of that because 183 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: our kids pick that up from us, and then when 184 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: they go to school, they also pick up those behaviors 185 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 1: other kids. So right, and I think that is really important, 186 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 1: right because, like you said, it's not always fun when 187 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,320 Speaker 1: our little people turn the mirror on us. But it 188 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: is I think very eye opening to really. Yeah, it 189 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,079 Speaker 1: is very I opening and realized, like oh my gosh, 190 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: like they're getting this for me, I probably differently. Yeah, yeah, 191 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 1: it makes you aware of what you also as the 192 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,200 Speaker 1: adult put out you know, into the world and into 193 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: the atmosphere, like what do I, you know, sound like 194 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 1: to my team? And if you notice that the words 195 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:58,440 Speaker 1: that you're saying are not always kind and having things, 196 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: you know, you're going to upset and you're going to 197 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,760 Speaker 1: have those moments where you're like, oh my gosh, this 198 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 1: teenagers driving me crazy. But how you handle that and 199 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 1: how you present that to them does make a difference 200 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 1: in how they show up in other spaces. So I 201 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,480 Speaker 1: know that you also work a lot with parents, so 202 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 1: you really are kind of doing, you know, kind of 203 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: work all around the spectrum here. So you work with 204 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,559 Speaker 1: the teams, but you also work with parents a lot. 205 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,240 Speaker 1: So I want to hear, like, what kinds of things 206 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,400 Speaker 1: might you be working with parents on if they do 207 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: have a team who is being bullied, what kinds of 208 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: work might you be doing with them? Yeah? So, first 209 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,120 Speaker 1: a lot of it I work with them around development, 210 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 1: so helping them to understand that the developmental stages that 211 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: their teen or preteen is in and like what to 212 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 1: kind of expect from those stages. Another part is really 213 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: empowering the parents to advocate on behalf of their team. 214 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 1: A lot of times teenagers when they are being bullied, 215 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,000 Speaker 1: they'll talk to their parents about it, but sometimes they 216 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,280 Speaker 1: don't want their parents to intervene. So helping the parents 217 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 1: when they feel helpless in those instances because sometimes the 218 00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: teams they'll say, like, if you know, if you show 219 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 1: up to the school, then you know that's gonna make 220 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: it worse for me, And so helping the parents to 221 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:21,560 Speaker 1: kind of navigate the school system, but also knowing that 222 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: horror boundary, like knowing that line like if this gets crossed, 223 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,079 Speaker 1: like we're gonna you know, we're gonna work with your 224 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 1: team and try to help them, but if this line 225 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,560 Speaker 1: gets crossed, this is a non negotiable. So helping them 226 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,080 Speaker 1: to also help their teenager, no teenager preteen to know like, 227 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,200 Speaker 1: if this line gets crossed, that is a non negotiable. 228 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,120 Speaker 1: I am going to go to the school, I am 229 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,199 Speaker 1: going to be talking to other parents, I am going 230 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,320 Speaker 1: to be talking to administrators, and then also giving them 231 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:51,319 Speaker 1: the language around how to talk to those administrators and things, 232 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: because sometimes I think parents go in and it's all 233 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,959 Speaker 1: about the emotion. And yes, we care about the emotion 234 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 1: and we care about that child feeling. Right. If we didn't, 235 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 1: they wouldn't be, you know, coming to see me in therapy. 236 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: But we also need to be very matter of facts 237 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,679 Speaker 1: and be very fact based. When you're going into situations 238 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 1: where you're advocating and you're dealing with a school district 239 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 1: or dealing with the school itself, you have to be 240 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:21,480 Speaker 1: very matter of fact. So if you have dates, or 241 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: if you have instances of the bullying, like when they're occurring, 242 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 1: if you can present those things and illustrate a pattern, right, 243 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,320 Speaker 1: and you're illustrating, Okay, this is what's happening on this date, 244 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,280 Speaker 1: and this is what happened on this day, and then 245 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,160 Speaker 1: you're putting the school on notice like I'm this is 246 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: the date that I you know, maybe reached out and 247 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 1: contacted you, nothing has happened. Being able to advocate for 248 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 1: your child so that they're able to put a plan 249 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 1: in place, like you want things and writing from the school, 250 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,680 Speaker 1: It's very important to make sure that you're getting that 251 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: communication on both ends. Where they're understanding like this is 252 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,160 Speaker 1: a parent that's keeping tract of these things, you know, 253 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: whatever that looks like on the of the school, they 254 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,080 Speaker 1: need to be handling their part as well, because we 255 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,080 Speaker 1: don't want it to escalate to a point where a 256 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: child or a teenager is thinking that they have to 257 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 1: take their own life to escape the situation. Yeah, so 258 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 1: you mentioned some really important points in the asia that 259 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 1: I just want to make sure we go back to. 260 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 1: So one, I think it's really good that you brought 261 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,360 Speaker 1: out this idea of like letting your team know that 262 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,880 Speaker 1: there will be a point where it's a non negotiable 263 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 1: that we will get the school involved, right, because it 264 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 1: feels like that's doing a really good job of letting 265 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 1: your team take some initiative and like letting them understand 266 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 1: that you do hear them and you want to be 267 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,480 Speaker 1: sensitive to like how this might disrupt them socially and 268 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 1: that kind of thing, but that you're also the adult 269 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: in the situation, and that you know have being the 270 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 1: adult means that you are going to be taking some 271 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 1: responsibility and not letting this escalate to a point where 272 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: it becomes unmanageable. Absolutely, especially when you're dealing with the 273 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,880 Speaker 1: twins and the teams. You have to be willing to 274 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 1: negotiate with your kids. And part of that it's like, Okay, 275 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,520 Speaker 1: so I hear what you're saying, I'm in your corner, 276 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: what is it that you need from me? And listening 277 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 1: to what they're saying, you know in that, but then 278 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,640 Speaker 1: also letting them know, Okay, we're able to do this 279 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 1: to an extent if it crosses this line, mom or dad, 280 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,440 Speaker 1: we're gonna be involved. We're gonna be at that school. 281 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: You need to know that. So then that way the 282 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:25,040 Speaker 1: team can also prepare themselves because if it does escalate 283 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,359 Speaker 1: to a point where mom or dad needs to intervene, 284 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,240 Speaker 1: then they already know like, okay, well my mom will 285 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: be up here, you know, and it's something that they've 286 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,680 Speaker 1: already kind of like made peace with and they know 287 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 1: that somebody has their back and that they're gonna be 288 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,120 Speaker 1: there for them. Yeah. So I think in one way 289 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,960 Speaker 1: it does like model this idea of safety, like that 290 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,040 Speaker 1: you know, my parents have my back no matter what. 291 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 1: But I wonder if it also could then prevent them 292 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:52,280 Speaker 1: from telling you if it's escalating, right, because then they are, 293 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: you know, afraid of you coming up there and and 294 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 1: that kind of thing. So have you seen that also? 295 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 1: So yes, But I think it depends on how you 296 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,200 Speaker 1: in that. You may not want to go full Mama 297 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 1: there right. You may not want to, you know, say well, 298 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,200 Speaker 1: I'm gonna pounce and I'm gonna do this and I'm 299 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,360 Speaker 1: gonna do that. You may want to just let them know, Hey, 300 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 1: we're just gonna have a conversation. We just need to 301 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,600 Speaker 1: know what the next steps are because I can't have 302 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: you feeling unsafe in school. I don't want you to 303 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,880 Speaker 1: go to school and feeling like you you know, shouldn't 304 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,399 Speaker 1: be able to you know, have your class or go 305 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:27,080 Speaker 1: have lunch or have friends or you know whatever. So 306 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,000 Speaker 1: that conversation, the way you have have and frame that 307 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: conversation may need to look a certain way depending on 308 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: your kid. You know, you might not be able to 309 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: be like I'm gonna go and do you know X, 310 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:40,640 Speaker 1: Y and Z and make them think that you are 311 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,520 Speaker 1: gonna you know, be in there. Um kind of almost 312 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,720 Speaker 1: like the parents that went up to the school and 313 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,600 Speaker 1: was giving out the butt whooping ticket set up in 314 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,439 Speaker 1: class and she was you know, so maybe that's not 315 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:56,159 Speaker 1: the route, right, although I know there are like, I 316 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 1: could empathize with that mom, but maybe that's not the 317 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,199 Speaker 1: route to go be because I don't know that my 318 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,679 Speaker 1: team daughter would be like, Okay, mom, you can come 319 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,480 Speaker 1: up here and do that. She would absolutely be mortified. 320 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: But having that conversation where okay, so this is my 321 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,960 Speaker 1: course of action. I'm gonna email, and then if the 322 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,560 Speaker 1: email isn't working, then I am gonna, you know, have 323 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,879 Speaker 1: a conversation at the school and we may need to 324 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,640 Speaker 1: eventually if it escalates, pulling that other kid's parents so 325 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,480 Speaker 1: that we're all on the same page because this can't continue. 326 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,080 Speaker 1: So if you are framing it as you know, a 327 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:31,240 Speaker 1: conversation and being cool, calm and collected, more than likely 328 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,959 Speaker 1: your team will say something. But if they know that 329 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,160 Speaker 1: you may be up there and be you know, full 330 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,880 Speaker 1: on Mama Bear days, they may be a little bit hesitant. Yeah, right, right, 331 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,160 Speaker 1: And that does bring me back to the other point 332 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,400 Speaker 1: that I wanted to make sure that we highlighted when 333 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,440 Speaker 1: you talked about making sure that you're not so full 334 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,440 Speaker 1: of emotion when you're like approaching the school district, right, 335 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,640 Speaker 1: because of course it's your child that is typically when 336 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 1: there are high emotions, right, But being like you said, 337 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,679 Speaker 1: fact based and making sure that you have copies of 338 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 1: any emails or text messages that have been sent in 339 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: a bullying manner like, making sure that you kind of 340 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:07,600 Speaker 1: have your case all presented is really a better way 341 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,720 Speaker 1: to kind of approach them. Absolutely, you want to kind 342 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,120 Speaker 1: of be like the lawyer, right. You want to be 343 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,520 Speaker 1: as logical as possible. You want to, you know, illustrate 344 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,879 Speaker 1: a pattern of behaviors, if you have dates, if you 345 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 1: have text messages, if you have emails, if you have 346 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 1: any type of like evidence, you know, per se, that's 347 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,119 Speaker 1: what you want to present to the school because you 348 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: want to illustrate that there's been a pattern of this behavior. 349 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,680 Speaker 1: And then yeah, you can you can talk about here's 350 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:40,040 Speaker 1: how she has been responding to this. So maybe you know, 351 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 1: your team has been withdrawing, or maybe your team has 352 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,400 Speaker 1: been more tearful, or you know, maybe they're showing signs 353 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 1: of you know, depression, or hey, we've been trying to 354 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: manage this on our own. Here's what we've been experiencing 355 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,320 Speaker 1: over the past however long. And as a result, my 356 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:00,360 Speaker 1: daughter is in therapy now because it's really impact her 357 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 1: and we can't have this continue. So you just want 358 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,879 Speaker 1: to lay it out and make sure that their understanding 359 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:10,160 Speaker 1: that just has a consequence and that um, this behavior 360 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,480 Speaker 1: from the other student or teacher or whoever is bullying, right, 361 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,520 Speaker 1: it needs to discontinue. And at what point in the 362 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:22,080 Speaker 1: asia would you maybe talk with parents about our talk 363 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 1: with the team herself about the idea of maybe suicide, right, 364 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,320 Speaker 1: Because I think, you know, we often talk about like 365 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 1: not being shy about asking that question, and that just 366 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,679 Speaker 1: because you ask about it doesn't mean that you're introducing 367 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,560 Speaker 1: this idea. But because we are seeing so much more 368 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,719 Speaker 1: in terms of adolescents and teens dying by suicide, I 369 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,880 Speaker 1: think a lot of parents think, oh, well, my child 370 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,160 Speaker 1: probably doesn't even know anything about that, right, And then 371 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,760 Speaker 1: unfortunately it's too late when you know, So when would 372 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 1: you encourage parents or when would you even have the 373 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:58,160 Speaker 1: conversation with the team herself about suicide? In working with teams, 374 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:02,119 Speaker 1: I assessed regularly, especially if I'm dealing with a team 375 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:06,800 Speaker 1: who is struggling with depression. Right, So I assessed regularly. 376 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 1: You know, when you do your initial intakes and you know, 377 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 1: kind of getting to know your team and building rapport 378 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,320 Speaker 1: with your clients and stuff. I definitely think it's a 379 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,639 Speaker 1: question that you want to ask, and part of it 380 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,040 Speaker 1: is also making the parents comfortable to ask, because just 381 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,360 Speaker 1: like you said, some parents believe that if you are 382 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 1: asking a question, that you're actually introducing this idea, when 383 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 1: that's not the case. If they're constantly you know, discussing 384 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,480 Speaker 1: not feeling hopeful, feeling like they're in pain, things like that, 385 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 1: then I will dive into that what does that look 386 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,480 Speaker 1: like for them? And really just flat out ask the question, 387 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,560 Speaker 1: are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you thinking about 388 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,879 Speaker 1: taking your own life and being bold? And that is 389 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 1: really important because it less the client or the team 390 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:57,760 Speaker 1: no that, Okay, somebody's paying attention to me. Somebody is 391 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 1: paying attention to what I'm saying. And then if we 392 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,119 Speaker 1: can work to just kind of increase their hopefulness and 393 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,200 Speaker 1: decrease some of that pain feeling, you know, helping them 394 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:12,400 Speaker 1: feel um, you know, identify things that they are hopeful 395 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,440 Speaker 1: for for the future and making sure that they're staying 396 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,160 Speaker 1: in that place where they are, you know, finding things 397 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,679 Speaker 1: to be hopeful for for the future, and then decreasing 398 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,840 Speaker 1: some of that pain. So how can we you know, 399 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,120 Speaker 1: find healthy coping skills? What other things can we do 400 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,119 Speaker 1: to kind of increase their you know, not not necessarily pleasure, 401 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,720 Speaker 1: but um decreasing that pain that they're feeling. That is 402 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: that's how I go about it. But I assessed regularly, 403 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: and I asked, especially when my teams come in and 404 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 1: they have been struggling with depression. It's something that we 405 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,040 Speaker 1: regularly talk about, and it lessens over time as they're 406 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: able to demonstrate more and more that they are more hopeful, 407 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:57,679 Speaker 1: they are expressing, you know, more feelings of happiness and contentment, 408 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,840 Speaker 1: and they are able to verbalize positive things about themselves. Right, 409 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 1: So yeah, it'll decrease, you know more, but it's still 410 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:09,640 Speaker 1: you know, a regular thing that I assessed for got it, 411 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,480 Speaker 1: and so I do want to hear also on the 412 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,040 Speaker 1: other side of the spectrum, how you might work with 413 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,200 Speaker 1: parents when they find out their team is the Boody, 414 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,760 Speaker 1: Because I think that that is a different dynamics, So 415 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,679 Speaker 1: what might the work look like they're so in working 416 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,800 Speaker 1: with the parents helping them to understand that, you know, 417 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 1: once again, kids don't exist in the vacuum. And so 418 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:34,720 Speaker 1: whenever I'm doing any type of like team or preteen work, 419 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: I do require that the parents have some involvement. It 420 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,680 Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily have to be a family session every single week, 421 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,840 Speaker 1: but they need to understand that kids don't exist in 422 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,199 Speaker 1: a vacuum, meaning that they're not individualized enough for this 423 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 1: stuff to come up on their own. So parents have 424 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,880 Speaker 1: to be involved in that process, you know. I let 425 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: them know, like you can't just drop your kid off 426 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,480 Speaker 1: and like peace out and then come and pick a backup. 427 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,919 Speaker 1: You have to be involved in that therapeutic process. Whether 428 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 1: that looks like maybe we have a family session, um, 429 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,439 Speaker 1: depending on the severity of the case, but um, you know, 430 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,000 Speaker 1: maybe we'll have a family session every other week, or 431 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,840 Speaker 1: maybe we're having a monthly family sessions in educating the parents, 432 00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:20,960 Speaker 1: helping them to understand what to look for in their 433 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,760 Speaker 1: own kids and then what to be aware of their 434 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,359 Speaker 1: relationships with their kids. So helping parents to see, Okay, 435 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,280 Speaker 1: let's talk about where this is coming from. And depending 436 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,920 Speaker 1: on the age of the team, there's only so much 437 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,280 Speaker 1: I can disclose, which is a lot of family sessions 438 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,080 Speaker 1: are helpful and so much as we can get out 439 00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: some of the underlying maybe family issues that that team 440 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,120 Speaker 1: is feeling or that they you know, feel like it's 441 00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:47,160 Speaker 1: contributing to their own behaviors. We can kind of get 442 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,119 Speaker 1: that out in family sessions. So the family work is 443 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,440 Speaker 1: really important to me as a part of that, because 444 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,240 Speaker 1: kids just don't wake up one day and just decidn't 445 00:24:56,359 --> 00:25:00,119 Speaker 1: some believe everybody has school, That's not what's happening. So 446 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,640 Speaker 1: it's important for parents to be involved and making sure 447 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: that they're engaged in the therapeutic process as well. Yeah, 448 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,480 Speaker 1: and I would imagine that there may be for some 449 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:13,360 Speaker 1: parents some resistance to the idea of thinking that their 450 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,720 Speaker 1: child is a bully, Right, how did you work with that? 451 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,000 Speaker 1: Like people who may be in some denial in some 452 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,640 Speaker 1: ways about what's actually happening with their teams, So educating 453 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,920 Speaker 1: them on what bullying is, so doing the psycho education 454 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:30,120 Speaker 1: around just bullying in general, being very objuctive with it, 455 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,840 Speaker 1: not necessarily pulling their team into it, but being objective 456 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:37,200 Speaker 1: with it, and then helping them to understand where their 457 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:40,240 Speaker 1: team's behaviors fit in with that so they may not 458 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 1: see it any more. Like parents, it is hard to 459 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 1: be like, Okay, my kid is a bully, because then 460 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:47,280 Speaker 1: they kind of feel like it's a reflection on them. 461 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,680 Speaker 1: And helping them to understand that this is still all 462 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,160 Speaker 1: a learning process for everybody involved. No parent has all 463 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,679 Speaker 1: the answers, even me as a parent, I don't have 464 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 1: all the answers, And so sometimes it just takes up 465 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,159 Speaker 1: her person too, you know, on the outside looking and 466 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,920 Speaker 1: to kind of give you an objective view of your 467 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,639 Speaker 1: parents and but then also that team's behavior um and 468 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,480 Speaker 1: helping them to see like just where they are, but 469 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:15,240 Speaker 1: then also helping them in terms of them being resistant, 470 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,919 Speaker 1: like helping them understand that this is not something that 471 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,000 Speaker 1: you can't not come back from, right, so like there's 472 00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:26,040 Speaker 1: absolutely redemption, Like you can change your parenting techniques, you 473 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,800 Speaker 1: can change the way that you talk to your kids. 474 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:32,480 Speaker 1: These things are manageable and workable, and so helping them 475 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,439 Speaker 1: understand that, because I think sometimes parents think like if 476 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 1: their kid is a problem, they sometimes feel defeated. And 477 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,000 Speaker 1: they don't have to feel defeated in that we just 478 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:43,520 Speaker 1: might need to address a few things and we may 479 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,080 Speaker 1: need to just try to practice some different ways of 480 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,919 Speaker 1: talking to our kids and how we interact with our kids. 481 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,639 Speaker 1: And so sometimes it takes un learning of certain behaviors 482 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,800 Speaker 1: and helping the parents understand like we're all just trying 483 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,800 Speaker 1: to learn and it doesn't make your bad parents, it 484 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,360 Speaker 1: doesn't make your bad per say, and it doesn't make 485 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,240 Speaker 1: that kid bad. Right, That's not what we're trying to say. 486 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,520 Speaker 1: We're just trying to say, hey, these behaviors are not 487 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,080 Speaker 1: okay and making it about the behaviors more so than 488 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,840 Speaker 1: them as a person. M hmm. And that feels like 489 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,679 Speaker 1: that would be important for both the teen and for 490 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,080 Speaker 1: their parents, right, because it feels like it would be 491 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:24,040 Speaker 1: a really delicate balance to UM, which is why it 492 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,520 Speaker 1: sounds like the different iterations of what therapy might look 493 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,679 Speaker 1: like when you're working with the whole family would be 494 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,159 Speaker 1: important because you also don't want UM the whole session 495 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,480 Speaker 1: to be about like trying to make the parents feel better, right, 496 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,679 Speaker 1: and then the kid gets us again. Um, you know, 497 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 1: so having sessions probably with just the teen, and then 498 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,520 Speaker 1: maybe with just parents, and then poor sessions it sounds 499 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: like a really good idea. Yeah, yes, a lot, yes, 500 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,479 Speaker 1: a lot. So, Yeah, the individual sessions are important, and 501 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,919 Speaker 1: then you have the UM like educational parenting kind of 502 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,679 Speaker 1: training sessions helping them to understand things and they are 503 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 1: doing that combo work. Yeah, got it. And do you 504 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,439 Speaker 1: have the asia any ideas about like what kinds of 505 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,359 Speaker 1: things you know, maybe even school wide we should be 506 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,920 Speaker 1: thinking about in terms of just decreasing the numbers that 507 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,119 Speaker 1: we see in terms of kids being bullied in school. 508 00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 1: Do you have ideas about like what could schools be 509 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:22,600 Speaker 1: doing so? I think, um, I think schools just in 510 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,679 Speaker 1: terms of talking about it, for one, is helpful just 511 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:30,959 Speaker 1: making sure that students are understanding what that means. Some 512 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,679 Speaker 1: schools have different programs that they put into place, so 513 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,560 Speaker 1: like if kids are feeling isolated or feeling like they 514 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,240 Speaker 1: don't have any plans. I know some schools have it 515 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,960 Speaker 1: where you can like go and sit, you know, on 516 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,480 Speaker 1: this bench and people will you know, come up to 517 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,720 Speaker 1: you and talk to you, um like no questions, act 518 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 1: like if you are just feeling you know, lonely or 519 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:55,760 Speaker 1: you know whatever. Though they have some different things like that, 520 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,760 Speaker 1: but I think really bring attention to it. And I 521 00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,000 Speaker 1: think as far as like teachers are concerned, I think 522 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:05,280 Speaker 1: teachers have to also be mindful. Administrators also have to 523 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 1: be mindful. Being in schools is high stress and so 524 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:12,719 Speaker 1: sometimes what teachers can give off and what administrators can 525 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:16,920 Speaker 1: give off and sometimes um, being negative you know, negatively 526 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:20,160 Speaker 1: received by the kids and teams and so that also 527 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 1: impacts them. So we just have to really look holistically 528 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:28,120 Speaker 1: at all the different systems, so family, schools, other systems 529 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,640 Speaker 1: that they may interact with, and you know, try to 530 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,160 Speaker 1: do our best to really just work on being kind 531 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 1: to other people. It's really important. And when teachers are 532 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:40,080 Speaker 1: noticing or if a student is telling you that they're 533 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,880 Speaker 1: feeling like they're being bullied, really you know, talking to 534 00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 1: them about that and advocating on the behalf of those students. 535 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:50,600 Speaker 1: You know, you have school counselors and stuff in place 536 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:54,360 Speaker 1: as well, so utilizing UM the folks that are in 537 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:57,920 Speaker 1: the positions, but they also have to advocate and make 538 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,920 Speaker 1: sure that they're doing their part to make sure kids 539 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,840 Speaker 1: aren't feeling bad when they're going to school, because no 540 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:09,040 Speaker 1: kid deserves to feel like they don't belong right right. 541 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,480 Speaker 1: Good ideas. So you mentioned this a little briefly, and 542 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 1: I want us to kind of just touch on this 543 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 1: um a little more before we wrap up. Just the 544 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 1: idea that you know, like when I was in school, 545 00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 1: bullying might look like, you know, somebody telling you you 546 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,960 Speaker 1: can't sit at this table, or somebody passing a note 547 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:29,920 Speaker 1: around about you. That kind of thing. Whereas now, given 548 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,840 Speaker 1: all the technology and social media that teams may have 549 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:37,320 Speaker 1: access to, it goes far beyond just the normal school day. Right. 550 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,720 Speaker 1: So now people are you know, filling people's comments sections 551 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:44,200 Speaker 1: with different disparaging comments and all of that. So, how 552 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 1: have you seen and how has maybe your work change 553 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:52,760 Speaker 1: now with the advent of social media and bullying continuing there. 554 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:58,560 Speaker 1: So social media has kind of termed bullying like upside down. 555 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:04,040 Speaker 1: It's it's gotten too a place where um, because folks 556 00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:07,920 Speaker 1: are focused on having the lights and they're equating that 557 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,400 Speaker 1: with their self value and self worth. It has it 558 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:17,320 Speaker 1: has really changed the landscape of bullying. Um, just because 559 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,800 Speaker 1: especially like the teams that are utilized on social media, 560 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,560 Speaker 1: there's a lot of stock being put into what's being 561 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:30,320 Speaker 1: said online with Snapchat and i G and um, although 562 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 1: a lot of I don't know if a lot of 563 00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:34,560 Speaker 1: teams are using Facebook as much. I think that's for us, 564 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:40,840 Speaker 1: um older folks, but um, but especially with those like 565 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,200 Speaker 1: I know, with the Snapchat, that's that's a biggie because 566 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:46,360 Speaker 1: you know they snap, you know, you snap, make the 567 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:50,280 Speaker 1: snap and then it goes away and so then you know, 568 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 1: so people are feeling a little bit more embolded to 569 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:56,400 Speaker 1: say things or to do things online because they're thinking 570 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,800 Speaker 1: it's gonna go away, nobody's gonna see it. Um, But 571 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:02,520 Speaker 1: people do see that stuff. And so it's made it 572 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:06,400 Speaker 1: a little bit harder. Um. For one, because we we 573 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,080 Speaker 1: kind of live in a in an age where I 574 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:12,200 Speaker 1: do believe that you know, our teams kind of need 575 00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:15,600 Speaker 1: their phones, right, they need that communication to be able 576 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:19,640 Speaker 1: to uh so parents can have contact with them. Um. 577 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,000 Speaker 1: When I was growing up, we didn't have you know, 578 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,080 Speaker 1: we didn't have the cell phones and stuff we got 579 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:25,880 Speaker 1: into that. You know, we would come home from school, 580 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,200 Speaker 1: get to the house, call our parents or you know whatever. 581 00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 1: And so now, um, just times are a little bit different. 582 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,320 Speaker 1: And so I do think that there is value in 583 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:38,360 Speaker 1: our teams being able to communicate with us, you know, 584 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:43,920 Speaker 1: um a little bit quicker. Um. But with that, um, 585 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:47,040 Speaker 1: we still have to be mindful and monitor what our 586 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:52,280 Speaker 1: kids are consuming. And so with social media, it's made 587 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,440 Speaker 1: it where you have to you know, you have to 588 00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:57,680 Speaker 1: be you know, you have to know what your kids 589 00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:00,200 Speaker 1: are consuming. So you need to know if I can 590 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:04,160 Speaker 1: have Snampchat or I g having these things, um, and 591 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:08,080 Speaker 1: parents are needing to put more boundaries in place, right, 592 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:11,960 Speaker 1: because um, sometimes they just don't even need access to 593 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 1: that stuff. And when they don't have access to it, 594 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,680 Speaker 1: it's a little bit better in terms of their anxiety 595 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:21,680 Speaker 1: around it and the you know, possibility of being bullied 596 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,240 Speaker 1: because if I don't see it, then you know, I 597 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:26,960 Speaker 1: may not even know it unless somebody else says it. 598 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:31,120 Speaker 1: But um, having that quick access to hurt for comments, 599 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,440 Speaker 1: it can be harmful to the team. Yeah, And I 600 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,720 Speaker 1: think that that's one of those other things where you're 601 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:41,280 Speaker 1: thinking about like how your team may feel very anxious 602 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,920 Speaker 1: about like having a disruption to their social media, right, 603 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,240 Speaker 1: Like if you tell them like, Okay, this is really harmful, 604 00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:48,200 Speaker 1: I think we need to kind of close this down 605 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:51,080 Speaker 1: for some time or whatever. That they may really resist 606 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,280 Speaker 1: against that because they want to be connected and what's 607 00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:56,120 Speaker 1: gonna happen and you know, even though it is also 608 00:33:56,240 --> 00:34:01,160 Speaker 1: causing them pain. Yeah, yeah, and so talking to so 609 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:03,160 Speaker 1: I think you know, part of it is as the 610 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:06,959 Speaker 1: parents talking to your teen about that and really setting 611 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,200 Speaker 1: those guidelines so once so just like with the mom 612 00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:12,279 Speaker 1: of their situation and going up to the school and 613 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 1: all of that, you know, talking to them if their 614 00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:19,279 Speaker 1: experience and the online bullying and you're getting wind of it. Hey, 615 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:22,160 Speaker 1: this is not okay. You know, if I'm allowing you 616 00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:24,520 Speaker 1: to use this, this needs to be used in a 617 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:28,319 Speaker 1: certain way. If you're experiencing on your end, you need 618 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,359 Speaker 1: to you know, speak up and tell me. And then 619 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:33,880 Speaker 1: also setting those expectations for your own kids not to 620 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:37,520 Speaker 1: do those behaviors. So supportant to set the expectations on 621 00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:40,160 Speaker 1: both ends, because we don't want to give our kids 622 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,759 Speaker 1: the you know, the thought that it's okay for them 623 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:48,280 Speaker 1: to be means other kids either, um. And so having 624 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 1: expectations around social media is really important. And then you know, 625 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:57,239 Speaker 1: also recognizing that social media has a guidelines. Now whether 626 00:34:57,320 --> 00:34:59,359 Speaker 1: or not you, as a parent you to follow that 627 00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:02,560 Speaker 1: is your on personal choice, but there are guidelines around 628 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:07,440 Speaker 1: what's age appropriate for you know, teenagers, and so if 629 00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 1: your kid is under the age, I would suggest not 630 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:14,760 Speaker 1: even introducing social social media to them until you feel 631 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:18,640 Speaker 1: like they're mature enough to really handle the responsibility um 632 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,279 Speaker 1: of having social media. You So, what are some of 633 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,719 Speaker 1: your favorite resources for some of the things that we've 634 00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:26,719 Speaker 1: talked about today, d Asia, Some of the things you 635 00:35:26,719 --> 00:35:30,760 Speaker 1: find yourself recommending over and over so um in terms 636 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: of bullying. UM. I really liked Stop Bullying dot gov. 637 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:41,120 Speaker 1: It gives a lot of different resources for parents, UM, 638 00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:44,400 Speaker 1: for teams and you just kind of UM how to 639 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:50,440 Speaker 1: navigate different situations UM Their team Self is another book 640 00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:53,839 Speaker 1: that UM and there's a journal with it as well, 641 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 1: but the book itself, helping teams be able to just 642 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:02,200 Speaker 1: like navigate these different UM UM situations that they encounter 643 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,160 Speaker 1: is really helpful. And I think in terms of building 644 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:09,879 Speaker 1: positive self esteem and positive mental health and helping UM 645 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:13,320 Speaker 1: team girls kind of you know, learn to learn about 646 00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:16,799 Speaker 1: themselves more so that is that has been helpful UM 647 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:21,719 Speaker 1: for me UM and then for parents UM. Like I said, 648 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:24,560 Speaker 1: I do a lot of education around just like development, 649 00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,680 Speaker 1: so I kind of I get into you know, ericson 650 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:31,440 Speaker 1: and you know the different like actual stages of development 651 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:35,200 Speaker 1: and what to expect um so, and there's some different 652 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,879 Speaker 1: UM charts and different things like that that you can 653 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:43,359 Speaker 1: use to kind of UM learn about where folks are 654 00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:46,160 Speaker 1: in their stages of development and understanding some of the 655 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,400 Speaker 1: behaviors that go along with that. UM. So those have 656 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:52,440 Speaker 1: been very helpful to me in terms of working with 657 00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:57,360 Speaker 1: UM team girls and then also working with parents perfect 658 00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:59,480 Speaker 1: and all of that information would of course be included 659 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,080 Speaker 1: in the show, so people can find that easily. And 660 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:05,200 Speaker 1: where can people find you? Where are you online? Your 661 00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,640 Speaker 1: website as well as any social media handles you want 662 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:13,560 Speaker 1: to share. So my UM my private practice website is 663 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:18,880 Speaker 1: Rise Counseling Group dot com. I am located in Dayton, Ohio, 664 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:24,640 Speaker 1: and UM we primarily work with women of color and 665 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:28,920 Speaker 1: teams of color, UM dealing with anxiety and depression related 666 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:32,600 Speaker 1: to like you said, bullying, but a host of other issues. 667 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 1: But we UM work primarily, like I said, with women 668 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:40,200 Speaker 1: of color and team girls of color. So I have 669 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:44,640 Speaker 1: two I G s Rise Counseling day In and D 670 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:49,320 Speaker 1: Thompson l I s W S is my other I G. 671 00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:56,160 Speaker 1: You can also find me on Facebook at Rise Counseling 672 00:37:56,320 --> 00:38:00,719 Speaker 1: day In, which is just for Rise Counseling Group. And 673 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:04,960 Speaker 1: then the other one is UM D Thompson l I 674 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:09,360 Speaker 1: s W on Facebook one I G. Remember it's D 675 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,759 Speaker 1: Thompson l I s W S. And then on Facebook 676 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:17,160 Speaker 1: is D Thompson l I s W Got it, yeah, 677 00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:20,879 Speaker 1: And then UM the Asia Thompson dot com is my 678 00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:25,800 Speaker 1: UM personal website. Sat you okay, and that all again 679 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:27,799 Speaker 1: will be in the show. Notes for anybody who's driving up, 680 00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,000 Speaker 1: couldn't take any notes. Okay, Well, thank you so much 681 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,440 Speaker 1: for joining us today, d Ag. I really appreciate it. 682 00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:37,880 Speaker 1: Thank you for having me Joy, It's been a pleasure. 683 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,560 Speaker 1: I'm so thankful the Asia was able to share her 684 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:46,080 Speaker 1: expertise with us today. To find more information about her 685 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,520 Speaker 1: and the resources that she shared, visit the show notes 686 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:52,439 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot Com slash Session one 687 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,480 Speaker 1: oh nine, And don't forget to show some support for 688 00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:59,680 Speaker 1: our sponsor for this episode, natural Sious. Natural Sious is 689 00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:02,680 Speaker 1: the world else first vegan high performance hair care line 690 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:06,480 Speaker 1: that delivers the results of twelve products and only three. 691 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:10,719 Speaker 1: You can find the products and over twelve sally Sores nationwide, 692 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:13,640 Speaker 1: and you can also get ten percent off your purchase 693 00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:17,759 Speaker 1: online by going to sally Beauty dot com and using 694 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:22,480 Speaker 1: the promo code five five five five five five at checkout. 695 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,280 Speaker 1: Remember that if you're searching for a therapist in your area, 696 00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:29,560 Speaker 1: check out our directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot 697 00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:33,080 Speaker 1: Com slash directory. And if you want to continue this 698 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:36,719 Speaker 1: conversation with other sisters who listen to the podcast, come 699 00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:39,000 Speaker 1: on over and join us in the Thrive Tribe, which 700 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:42,200 Speaker 1: is the Facebook group for our community. You can request 701 00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:44,960 Speaker 1: to join at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash 702 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,719 Speaker 1: Tribe and be sure to answer the three questions that 703 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:51,200 Speaker 1: are asked to gain entry. Don't forget to visit our 704 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,920 Speaker 1: online store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Shop, 705 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:59,240 Speaker 1: where you can find our guided affirmation track, break up journal, 706 00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:02,120 Speaker 1: and your favorite Therapy for Black Girls t shirts and 707 00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:05,479 Speaker 1: mug Thank you all so much for joining me again 708 00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:08,680 Speaker 1: this week. I look forward to continue in this conversation 709 00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:27,719 Speaker 1: with you all real soon. Take it care, what what? 710 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:28,400 Speaker 1: What's