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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy. My name is Kat and

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Speaker 1: I am your host. And before we get started, real

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Speaker 1: quick reminder up top that although I am a licensed therapist,

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Speaker 1: this podcast is not a replacement for actual therapy. However,

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Speaker 1: it can still be a helpful tool in your life

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Speaker 1: and I do hope that it actually is that. Now,

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Speaker 1: if you're new to the podcast, then you might be

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Speaker 1: wondering what is couch Talks. Well, couch Chalks is the

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Speaker 1: bonus episode that comes out on Wednesdays where I answer

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Speaker 1: questions that you guys send in to Catherine at You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now this week is fun

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Speaker 1: because I am both answering a question and reading an

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Speaker 1: email from a listener that actually doesn't have a question.

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Speaker 1: Is but it definitely made me smile and I'm going

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Speaker 1: to somewhat use it to answer the question that I

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Speaker 1: have for today. So here's the email. And as always,

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Speaker 1: I like to keep the emails anonymous just for general safety.

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Speaker 1: So if this is your email, shout out to you, hi, um,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not going to reach your name. So here

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Speaker 1: is the email. Gut Hi Kat, I am a longtime

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Speaker 1: listener of the Bobby Bones Show, and then started listening

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Speaker 1: to the Four Things podcast. In two thousand nineteen, my

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Speaker 1: family and I were in New York in a miserable

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Speaker 1: place in life, and I had to step away from

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Speaker 1: listening to Amy's podcast because she was just, in quotes,

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Speaker 1: too damn happy, which I should have realized was a

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Speaker 1: me issue and should have alerted me to the fact

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Speaker 1: that something was wrong. But in two thousand one, we

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Speaker 1: moved out of our trauma experience and I resumed listening

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Speaker 1: to Amy's many podcasts. I was so excited when I

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Speaker 1: heard you were on there, and have now started listening

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Speaker 1: to Union Therapy from the beginning. I've been undergoing some

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Speaker 1: trauma therapy, and your podcast has allowed me to just breathe,

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Speaker 1: knowing that I'm okay, I'm not alone, and there's so

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Speaker 1: much room to grow and loom out of the insanity

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Speaker 1: of life. I just listened to your what is Narcissism

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Speaker 1: episode and cried. I was in a horrible relationship and

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Speaker 1: was able to get out after two years. I am

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Speaker 1: now married and have two boys of my own, but

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Speaker 1: I always felt like a piece of me was at

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Speaker 1: fault for that relationship, and I almost worried about, in quotes,

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Speaker 1: bringing that on myself again. I even worried I would

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Speaker 1: bring it out of my husband, who is a human

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Speaker 1: saint by the way, But it was so helpful for

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Speaker 1: my heart to hear that it wasn't my fault. It

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Speaker 1: wasn't something that I did or didn't do as the

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Speaker 1: reason that I was treated so poorly. I'm not even

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Speaker 1: sure why I'm sending you this email except to tell

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Speaker 1: you that I am so thankful for you and your podcast.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for allowing me to sit in my room

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Speaker 1: alone and listen while being vulnerable and knowing you are

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Speaker 1: being truthful and not purposely steering me or anyone else

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Speaker 1: in a way that serves an agenda. Again, thank you.

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Speaker 1: And I agree with the listener who wrote an Amy's

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Speaker 1: podcast about your laugh It's infectious and I truly love it.

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Speaker 1: It reminds me that true joy is obtainable and beautiful blessings. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so a couple of things here. I highly recommend listening

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Speaker 1: to the episode on narcissism that she referenced. You can

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Speaker 1: just search what is narcissism? You need therapy and you

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Speaker 1: can find it. And then also if you're like, what

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Speaker 1: are she talking about with your laugh? That parts because

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Speaker 1: I was listening to an episode of the Fifth Thing

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Speaker 1: that I did with Amy Who. If you are unaware

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Speaker 1: of this, that I co host Amy's Fifth Thing, which

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Speaker 1: is her Tuesday episode of her podcast Four Things with

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Speaker 1: Amy Brown. So if you need to hear my voice

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Speaker 1: on Tuesdays, then you can listen to that. So just

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Speaker 1: search for Things with Amy Brown and I will be there.

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Speaker 1: But I was listening to an episode one day and

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Speaker 1: I texted her and said, oh my gosh, my laugh

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Speaker 1: is so annoying. And then a listener wrote a review

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Speaker 1: that said my laugh made me sound immature, and she

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Speaker 1: thought it was annoying as well. So Amy ended up

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Speaker 1: bringing this up on the podcast and we talked about

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Speaker 1: it and she was telling me how she likes my laugh,

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Speaker 1: and then she was reading the review she saw where

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Speaker 1: somebody I think said that they liked my laugh, and

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Speaker 1: so it was just a good way to bring up

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Speaker 1: the conversation and around like, just because one person thinks

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Speaker 1: one thing, it doesn't mean that everybody thinks that. And

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Speaker 1: it was a good reminder for me to listen to

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Speaker 1: what I tell other people because I always say that

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Speaker 1: you can't please everybody, and if you're pleasing everybody or

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Speaker 1: not being authentic, I think that the only issue here was, like,

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Speaker 1: I actually didn't think my laugh was annoying in one

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Speaker 1: of the episodes, but that doesn't really matter, because if

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Speaker 1: it brings you guys enjoy, then I will laugh all

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Speaker 1: day long because I enjoy doing those episodes and I

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Speaker 1: like laughing. So there's that anyway. So that's what that

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Speaker 1: is from. And for anybody who has emailed me about

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Speaker 1: my laugh, thank you. I read them all. And for

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Speaker 1: those of you who have emailed me about the mayonnaise situation,

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Speaker 1: and if you're still confused, just go listen to the

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Speaker 1: fifth thing. I appreciate you guys for looking out for

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Speaker 1: me and for sending me some ways to eat chicken

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Speaker 1: salad without mayonnaise, because I cannot stand mayonnaise, but I

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Speaker 1: really want to eat chicken salad. It's a whole thing. Now. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: back to the point of all this, So I am

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Speaker 1: going to answer a question that I've received this question

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Speaker 1: in like a million different forms over the past couple

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Speaker 1: of years, and I might have talked about it before,

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Speaker 1: but it's a good time to talk about it again,

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Speaker 1: and the question is really simple yet very important. How

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Speaker 1: do you know when you have found the right therapist?

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Speaker 1: And if you're like, what the heck does that email

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Speaker 1: that you just read have anything to do with that question, Well,

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Speaker 1: it's because I want to start my answer with something

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Speaker 1: that this listener wrote in the last paragraph, and I

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Speaker 1: read it again. She said, thank you for allowing me

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Speaker 1: to sit in my room alone and listen while being

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Speaker 1: vulnerable and knowing you are being truthful and not purposely

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Speaker 1: steering me or anyone else in a way that serves

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Speaker 1: an agenda. And this is a crucial part of how

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Speaker 1: you know that you are in good hands. Our agenda

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Speaker 1: as therapist has to be your agenda of your best interest.

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Speaker 1: We don't have buy in to steer you in a

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Speaker 1: direction that serves us. We're helping you steer yourself into

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Speaker 1: a direction that serves you. So that means that your

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Speaker 1: therapist doesn't have to be like you, and she doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to or he doesn't have to, or they don't

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Speaker 1: have to look like you, they don't have to sound

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Speaker 1: like you, they don't have to similar experiences or experience

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Speaker 1: what you are processing currently, because it's not about us.

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Speaker 1: What we personally believe in what we would do doesn't

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Speaker 1: really matter in these situations when we're sitting with clients

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Speaker 1: helping them process their own lives, and a good fit

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Speaker 1: feels like it's okay to show up with all your

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Speaker 1: beliefs without having to worry about if the align with

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Speaker 1: that therapist that you're sitting with, knowing that the work

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Speaker 1: that you're doing is in the best interests of solely you,

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Speaker 1: and that is first and foremost the most important part

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Speaker 1: of all of this, And this question is asking how

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Speaker 1: do we know the therapist is a good fit, not

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Speaker 1: just a good therapist, So that means the same therapist

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Speaker 1: can feel completely different to two people. I also believe

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Speaker 1: that sometimes we need different kinds of therapists for different

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Speaker 1: parts of our lives and for different things we're processing.

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Speaker 1: So I say all this to say I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: this kind of therapist is good and this kind of

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Speaker 1: therapist is bad. That's like a whole another question. We're

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Speaker 1: talking about how do you know if the therapist works

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Speaker 1: for you? And the first thing is to like, well,

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Speaker 1: do I feel like this therapist is guiding me to

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Speaker 1: what they want me to do? Or are they guiding

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Speaker 1: me to what isn't the best interest of me for

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Speaker 1: what I came here to find. It's something that's really hard,

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Speaker 1: I will say, as a therapist to learn how to do,

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Speaker 1: or at least it was for me in the beginning,

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Speaker 1: to kind of like put your stuff aside, Like it's

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Speaker 1: pretty hard to put your stuff aside, but still be

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Speaker 1: a human and know that. Like you might think that

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Speaker 1: like their life would be better if they did this,

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Speaker 1: or if they found this, or if they whatever, but

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Speaker 1: they might not be asking for that, and they might

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Speaker 1: be totally okay living their life this way, even though

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Speaker 1: you would not be okay with that. And that's okay

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Speaker 1: because that's not the point of why they're there. It's

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Speaker 1: really tough. And I don't even know if that made sense,

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Speaker 1: but that's how tough it is, all right. So going

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Speaker 1: back to where I said that, I believe that, like

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Speaker 1: sometimes you need different arapist for different points in your lives.

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Speaker 1: There's been a point in my life where I needed

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Speaker 1: a therapist that was very much older than me. She

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Speaker 1: was very grandmotherly and felt very warm, and and that

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Speaker 1: felt like a good fit to me there and then

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Speaker 1: there is points in my lives where I needed a

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Speaker 1: therapist that was way more direct and way more pushy

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Speaker 1: and a like a kind, loving, empathetic way, and a

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Speaker 1: therapist that was way more inclined to dig into some

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Speaker 1: of my trauma versus a therapist that was helping me

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Speaker 1: like sit through a really hard time and kind of

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Speaker 1: just like hold that space. So, depending on where you

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Speaker 1: are and what you need, the therapist could be a

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Speaker 1: good fit or not the best fit. Now, part of

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Speaker 1: this is hard to answer, because I want to say

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Speaker 1: that you know you have the right fit of a

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Speaker 1: therapist when you feel like you can be yourself and

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Speaker 1: you can be open and you can say whatever, and

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Speaker 1: you know that you're safe in the room and all that.

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Speaker 1: But that might be hard to experience, not because the

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Speaker 1: therapist is the bad fit, but because of your own stuff.

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Speaker 1: It might have nothing to do with a therapist. So

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Speaker 1: there's a difference right here that I think is important

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Speaker 1: to note. That there's a difference in feeling comfortable and

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Speaker 1: feeling safe, and so I think it's really important to

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Speaker 1: feel safe with a therapist, and that's a way you

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Speaker 1: can know that like this is a good fit. I

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Speaker 1: feel safe with her versus feeling comfortable because a lot

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Speaker 1: of times we're very safe, but our experience is very

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable because therapy is uncomfortable. And then a lot of

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Speaker 1: times we're really comfortable, but it's not really safe for

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Speaker 1: us to stay there. It's like keeping us stuck in

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Speaker 1: a place that's not best for us. So I would

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Speaker 1: ask myself more do I feel safe versus do I

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Speaker 1: feel comfortable. Also, this reminds me of a conversation I

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Speaker 1: had with a friend of mine who recently went back

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Speaker 1: to therapy. And there's a lot that happened in this experience.

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Speaker 1: She only went to this therapist I think four times

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Speaker 1: or something like that, but she was telling about how

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Speaker 1: this one time she was talking about this anxiety she

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Speaker 1: was having over plans. And there's a lot of details

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Speaker 1: to this, and I'm gonna leave out for the sake

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Speaker 1: of her privacy, but she was telling the story to

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Speaker 1: her therapist that if I heard this, I would have

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Speaker 1: been like, Oh, we need to dig into that. There's

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Speaker 1: some questions that I want to ask, there's some things

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Speaker 1: that I need to validate. This sounds really hard and tough,

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Speaker 1: and um. The response that her therapist gave her was,

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Speaker 1: you know, sometimes this is what you gotta do. You

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Speaker 1: just have to decide and then you have to do it.

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Speaker 1: And so I think, right here, you just have to

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Speaker 1: make a decision and you just have to push through

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Speaker 1: and do it, do what you want to do, which, like,

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Speaker 1: here's the thing. Sometimes that can be true. You don't

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Speaker 1: need to decide and do something just to make a

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Speaker 1: decision and do it. But that's not what was needed

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Speaker 1: in this moment. My friend needed some validation. She needed

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Speaker 1: some like guidance and like kind of knowing what this

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Speaker 1: meant for her and what this was poking out inside

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Speaker 1: of her. And I think what I got from the

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Speaker 1: conversation I had with her she felt very ignored and

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Speaker 1: invalidated and almost like minimized, like her her stuff. And

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Speaker 1: that can make somebody feel really small and almost stupid

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Speaker 1: for thinking that their stuff was important. And that's that

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Speaker 1: could be really harmful. So not the best fit, right

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Speaker 1: That doesn't feel very safe to be able to express

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Speaker 1: something really hard and then get that kind of response.

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Speaker 1: And that's something that I think people who have a

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Speaker 1: good fit, they feel they feel validated, even though some

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Speaker 1: of the stuff they might hear is difficult to hear

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Speaker 1: back from the therapist. Now, I did a question box

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Speaker 1: on Instagram to ask y'all, how like you guys out

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Speaker 1: there in the world I knew that you had a

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Speaker 1: good fit, or how you knew that you didn't have

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Speaker 1: a good fit, because I just wanted to know, as

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Speaker 1: like an outsider, um, what that has been like for you?

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Speaker 1: And a lot of you guys expressed feeling safe, not

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Speaker 1: feeling judged, feeling heard, and receiving responses that weren't just

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Speaker 1: them repeating or parting what you were saying. And that

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Speaker 1: I found, um interesting, that last one, because when I

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Speaker 1: do intake sessions with like clients, it's like their first session.

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Speaker 1: I send them this form they fill it out in

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Speaker 1: one of the questions is have you been to therapy before?

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Speaker 1: And and then was that experience helpful? Why or why not?

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Speaker 1: And I usually like to take some time to talk

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Speaker 1: about that in the first session if they had been,

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Speaker 1: because if they've had a good experience, I'd like to know, like, okay,

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Speaker 1: so what was good about it? What was helpful? What

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Speaker 1: did you like about this person? And if it wasn't, like,

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Speaker 1: what was it that like made this not a good

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Speaker 1: experience for you? Let's talk about that. And a lot

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Speaker 1: of times what I end up hearing is I felt

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Speaker 1: like my therapist was just like repeating what I was saying,

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Speaker 1: or they weren't really offering me feedback, or I just

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Speaker 1: felt like I was talking and nothing was happening. And

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Speaker 1: there is a difference in a therapist not offering anything

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Speaker 1: and someone wanting a therapist to fix them and do

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Speaker 1: all the work. So I think there's that part that

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Speaker 1: has to be like spoken for, and I think it's

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Speaker 1: fair to want more than just someone staring at you

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Speaker 1: and repeating what you say back in like a slower,

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Speaker 1: calmer tone, which also can be hard because some therapists

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Speaker 1: are just more non directive and they kind of let

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Speaker 1: the client guide things, and some people really like that,

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Speaker 1: and some therapists are more directive, and so they'll ask

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Speaker 1: more questions and they'll interject, so kind of like make

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Speaker 1: more hypotheses about things that you say, and have more

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Speaker 1: activities that you do. Both can be good. It's what

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Speaker 1: works for you and what you're looking for. So one

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Speaker 1: thing that I didn't even say yet that I might wait,

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Speaker 1: why haven't I said this, is before you know what

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Speaker 1: a good fit is going to be, you have to

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Speaker 1: ask yourself what am I looking for? Going to therapy?

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Speaker 1: What am I looking to find? Am I looking to

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Speaker 1: find someone to fix me? Because I hope that you

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Speaker 1: don't find a good fit of a therapist if you're

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Speaker 1: finding somebody to fix you, because that's on our job.

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Speaker 1: But what am I looking to find? And a good

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Speaker 1: fit will be like when I feel like I found

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Speaker 1: that like a short answer to this question anyway, So

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Speaker 1: I also got some answers when I posted this to

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Speaker 1: Instagram about how people knew that it wasn't a good

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Speaker 1: fit and uh, some of those were like, uh when

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Speaker 1: they started using the Bible or religion to teach me

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Speaker 1: things or to prove things, or just would pull faith

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Speaker 1: in when we hadn't already established that that's something that

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Speaker 1: I wanted. Because we can do that if that's something

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Speaker 1: that you want to be a part of your process.

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Speaker 1: But if you don't ask for that, then we should

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Speaker 1: not be putting our own faith and belief systems on you.

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Speaker 1: Or like some people said, a therapist nodding offer falling asleep,

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Speaker 1: which like, oh my god, I cannot imagine now those

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Speaker 1: things are like the like big, bad, scary things like

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Speaker 1: a therapist falling asleep, yet and not a good fit

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Speaker 1: I would just say that that's like probably not for anybody,

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Speaker 1: but you'll find more people experiencing having not a good

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Speaker 1: fit when they just don't feel like the therapist is

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Speaker 1: giving them what they want. And so I think it

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Speaker 1: is important to ask yourself, what is it that I

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Speaker 1: want out of this and is that actually what therapy does?

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Speaker 1: Am I setting my expectations too high? Or are my

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Speaker 1: expectations too low? And what am I willing to experience

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Speaker 1: in therapy? Right? Sometimes it's a lot less binding the

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Speaker 1: right fit and it's more about finding the right fit

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Speaker 1: at the right time, because a therapist often comes with

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Speaker 1: putting a mirror up to clients, and not everyone who

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Speaker 1: initially goes to therapy is ready and willing to look

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Speaker 1: in the mirror. If we don't want to acknowledge something,

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Speaker 1: we may end up demonizing a therapist for saying something

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Speaker 1: when that really wasn't a bad or wrong thing to say,

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Speaker 1: but it created some discomfort, and you know, we might

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Speaker 1: confuse discomfort with safety, and we want to like project

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Speaker 1: that out and deflect those feelings out, so we call

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Speaker 1: them mean or we call them unprofessional, when really they

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Speaker 1: were doing something that probably would have been really beneficial

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Speaker 1: for you if it was the right timing, you were

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Speaker 1: in a space where you were ready to dig into

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Speaker 1: the discomfort. You know. I was watching Big Little Lives

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Speaker 1: for the first time and it's not a new show,

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Speaker 1: but it's new to me, and they have a therapist

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Speaker 1: in the show, and I really like the therapist because

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Speaker 1: you know, the therapist is kind of like calm and

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Speaker 1: mysterious and she doesn't say too much, but she says

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Speaker 1: some things that like cause some like dir inside of

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Speaker 1: her clients, and I love that because she upsets them

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Speaker 1: and she elicits some emotion, but she's not doing anything

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Speaker 1: bad or wrong. Well so far, I don't know if

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Speaker 1: it changes, haven't watched the whole thing, but I really

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Speaker 1: like that because a lot of times, I think therapists

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Speaker 1: in the media or just our idea of them, is

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Speaker 1: that they're these like yes man people who just like

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Speaker 1: make us feel happy and comfortable and like, you go

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Speaker 1: to therapy and then you feel better, when if you've

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Speaker 1: been to therapy for a period of time, you know

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Speaker 1: that a lot of times it gets worse before it

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Speaker 1: gets better. And there are times where we really get

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Speaker 1: to celebrate in therapy, and there are a lot of

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Speaker 1: times where it's tough and hard and it feels bicky,

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Speaker 1: it feels uncomfortable. So again, yeah, we're looking for the

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Speaker 1: right fit, but we also have to look for the

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Speaker 1: right fit at the right time. So to make a

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Speaker 1: long answer short, even though if you're still listening to this,

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Speaker 1: I'm making a long answer longer now. The right fit

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Speaker 1: is personal, really, like that's it. It's personal, and it

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Speaker 1: can change and you'll know it when you're ready to

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Speaker 1: receive what you need from a safe person. Um. I

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Speaker 1: know that I've had therapists that I thought have been

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Speaker 1: incredible and I've referred people to them and they've been like,

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Speaker 1: I didn't like them, and I'm like, Okay, good fit

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Speaker 1: for me, not great fit for you. And that's because

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Speaker 1: we're different people. So I think I've said enough. I

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Speaker 1: could keep going, I think, but I think now I'm

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Speaker 1: just kind of talking in circles. So we're going to

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Speaker 1: wrap it up, and I hope you guys have the

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Speaker 1: day you need to have. Somebody messaged me and asked

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Speaker 1: about merch. I don't know, I know, I got really

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Speaker 1: excited and kind of jumped the gun on telling you

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Speaker 1: about it. It's still happening, but my life has been

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Speaker 1: chaotic in a good way, so I'm trying to slow

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Speaker 1: down some things that aren't necessary. So still working on it,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not being as proactive as I thought I

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Speaker 1: was going to be. Sometimes you just gotta make decisions

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Speaker 1: because we can't do it all. Can't do it all

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Speaker 1: the whole other podcasts. Anyway, I hope you guys have

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Speaker 1: the day you need to have and I will talk

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Speaker 1: to you on Monday. M