WEBVTT - The Voices in Your Head 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:06.000 This is the most traumatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:08.039 --> 0:00:10.520 Hello everybody, Chris Harrison coming to you from the home 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:15.640 office in Austin, Texas. Today's show is I'm just letting 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:18.640 you know off the bat, it's going to be emotional, meaningful, 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:22.720 and powerful. If you don't know who Kevin Hines is, 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:25.840 he's my guest today. And if you don't know, it's okay, 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:30.560 because honestly, I had no idea I was out in California. 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:33.800 I love to host events. I'm hosting one this weekend 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:37.519 for Sergio Garcia, the golfer, and his wife Angela, for 0:00:37.600 --> 0:00:39.960 four kids. It's one of the things I feel like 0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:42.559 I can do with my time and my talent. I 0:00:42.600 --> 0:00:46.080 can't sing, I can't dance, but I love to host events. 0:00:46.760 --> 0:00:49.880 I do auctions. I do it all because I feel 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:52.320 like that's one way that Elz and I can really 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:55.120 give back. And so I host a lot of events 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:57.560 throughout the year. And there's one that I have hosted 0:00:57.560 --> 0:01:00.560 for several years now out in Monterey, California. It's for 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:04.160 the AIM. It's the AIM Gal. It's for the AIM Foundation, 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:08.559 which is for youth mental health suicide prevention. Something that's 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:10.800 kind of near and dear to Elsie and I's heart. 0:01:11.360 --> 0:01:14.000 There's another big foundation that we always support, the Grant 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:18.240 Haliburton Foundation out of Dallas, Texas, which was started by 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:21.600 a family that was really close to my family. But 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:24.280 the am Gala I met through friends, and I really 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:26.560 love what they do, and so I started supporting them 0:01:26.600 --> 0:01:31.120 and hosting their galap So this year, Elsie and I 0:01:31.160 --> 0:01:33.360 went up to host and I was going through the 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:35.640 run of show and I noticed I was introducing the 0:01:35.680 --> 0:01:38.880 keynote speaker and it was Kevin Hines. And I'll be honest, 0:01:38.920 --> 0:01:41.920 I was completely ignorant. I did not know Kevin. I 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:46.759 didn't know his story, and I started googling and doing 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:48.880 some research because I wanted to be a little educated 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:54.400 on who I was introducing, and my jaw dropped. I 0:01:54.480 --> 0:02:00.720 sat there for an hour reading Kevin's story and the 0:02:00.840 --> 0:02:04.480 nuts and bolts of it is this. Kevin Hines attempted 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:07.920 to take his life back in nineteen ninety four by 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:13.560 jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, but he lived, and 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:17.400 he lived to tell the story, and that is the 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:21.639 impetus for everything that has happened since. He is now 0:02:21.760 --> 0:02:26.880 an award winning author, speaker. He speaks around the world 0:02:27.560 --> 0:02:33.640 on suicide, suicide prevention, on hope, on the ripple effect 0:02:33.680 --> 0:02:37.520 of suicide, and just mental health in general. Guys, when 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:40.400 I heard Kevin talk, first of all, you could have 0:02:40.440 --> 0:02:43.040 heard a pen drop in the room. He had everybody 0:02:43.160 --> 0:02:46.760 spellbound and tears are in her eyes. He is the 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:51.919 most wonderful human being. To say nothing of what a 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:55.360 great speaker he is, just what an amazing human I 0:02:55.720 --> 0:02:58.280 was so moved when he walked off the stage. I 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:00.680 have to ask him about this because I felt well. Later, 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:02.679 I thought, did I just hug him? I didn't know 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:04.519 what to say, and I literally just grabbed him and 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:06.440 I gave him a hug, and we just hugged each 0:03:06.480 --> 0:03:10.720 other for like ten or fifteen seconds, and I just said, 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:15.399 I love you, I support you, I'm your friend. I've 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:18.480 never met you, but I am now one of those 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:20.280 people that are in your corner and will always be 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:26.680 there for you. Kevin still battles with so much, including depression, 0:03:26.760 --> 0:03:31.239 including suicidal thoughts, how he lives with it on the daily, 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:34.960 how he's recovered, and how he speaks about this event 0:03:35.040 --> 0:03:38.240 in his life. It just moved me so much that 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:40.960 the first thing I said Kevin, you have to come 0:03:41.000 --> 0:03:45.360 on this podcast. We have to have this discussion. It's 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:48.080 an important topic for me and I don't know if 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:51.560 there is a human being in the world that is 0:03:51.640 --> 0:03:55.160 more equipped to talk about today's subject. And I just 0:03:55.200 --> 0:03:56.520 wanted to give you a heads up of what we're 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:58.400 going to talk about. We're going to talk about his 0:03:58.520 --> 0:04:01.080 suicide attempt. We're going to talk talk about living through it, 0:04:01.160 --> 0:04:03.800 the pain, all these thoughts. So I just wanted to 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:07.240 give you, you know, if that is activating for you, 0:04:07.760 --> 0:04:09.360 I just want to give you fair warning. But I 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:12.040 do think this is going to be positive. I want 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:14.880 you to know and we're what we can learn from this. 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:18.919 And so I hope that if you know someone who's 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:21.800 having these thoughts or struggling with this, I hope this 0:04:21.920 --> 0:04:24.200 is good for them. I hope it's cathartic and it's helpful. 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:28.760 So today's guest, maybe the most important guest we have 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:33.279 ever had on this podcast, my now very good friend 0:04:33.360 --> 0:04:34.080 Kevin Hines. 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:36.280 Hello, how are you, Chris. 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:39.240 As I just said to all the listeners, my now 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:42.400 very good friend Kevin Hines, Yes, very good friend. 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:43.599 Absolutely you bet. 0:04:44.200 --> 0:04:46.960 Kevin. Do you remember so the night you spoke in California. 0:04:47.000 --> 0:04:49.440 You walked off the stage. I didn't know you. We 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:52.120 had never met, and I'll be honest, I was ignorant. 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:56.080 I didn't know your story and you just I'm sure 0:04:56.080 --> 0:04:58.600 like most people, my jaw hit the floor. There were 0:04:58.600 --> 0:05:00.960 tears in my eyes, if you remember. But you walked 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:02.520 off the stage and I just gave you a hug. 0:05:03.400 --> 0:05:06.400 I just remember. It was bess hugs I've ever had 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:06.839 all year. 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:10.200 I know it lasted awkwardly, a little too long, but 0:05:10.320 --> 0:05:13.200 I was just like, oh, I said, Chris. 0:05:12.920 --> 0:05:16.359 Chris, wait a minute, because twenty three second hugs release 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:18.440 oxytocin in the brain that make it feel better. 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:20.560 I think we hit twenty three seconds. 0:05:20.640 --> 0:05:21.400 I think we did it. 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:24.520 I think we did. I just said, I just said, hey, man, 0:05:24.600 --> 0:05:27.240 I love you, I am your friend. I got your back, 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:29.400 and you said the same thing to me, and I 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:31.760 so I love you for it. And I thought, man, 0:05:32.400 --> 0:05:34.760 if you would just please come on this podcast and 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:38.559 let's talk about your message and what you have been through, 0:05:39.320 --> 0:05:41.640 because as I just spoke to the listeners, I said, 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:43.880 you know, there was nobody more equipped on the face 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:48.240 of the earth than you to talk about depression, suicide, prevention, 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:51.560 how we can survive each day and get through these moments. 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:54.919 So thank you for being here, my friend, Chris. 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:57.560 The thanks is all mine. You're giving me a wonderful 0:05:57.560 --> 0:06:00.920 opportunity to share a message that means the world to 0:06:00.960 --> 0:06:03.640 me that we hope helps a lot of people. So 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:04.560 what a gift. 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:09.880 And we will talk about the documentary suicide the Ripple 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:13.000 Effect that is out and I will we'll get to that, 0:06:13.080 --> 0:06:15.400 but let's go back. And I know this is a 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:18.040 story you've told many times. And by the way, for 0:06:18.080 --> 0:06:21.160 everyone listening, I've talked to Kevin. It's okay. He will 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:24.280 talk about this. You know, I'm not prying when we 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:27.400 talk about this event. Nothing is off limits with Kevin. 0:06:27.440 --> 0:06:27.560 Now. 0:06:27.560 --> 0:06:29.400 That's one thing I love about you is you are 0:06:29.839 --> 0:06:33.080 an open book, which is so hard to find in 0:06:33.160 --> 0:06:36.279 this area because usually in these situations, we want to 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:38.719 shy away from it, right, we want to hide these stories. 0:06:39.200 --> 0:06:42.720 But I love you for being so open for us. 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:47.440 So you jumped off the Golden Gate bridge. Take me 0:06:47.560 --> 0:06:50.880 to that day. What I was also curious about something 0:06:50.920 --> 0:06:53.440 you didn't talk about that day was driving there, going 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:54.159 to the bridge. 0:06:54.400 --> 0:06:58.040 Yeah. Well, you know, first of all, I don't drive. 0:06:58.080 --> 0:07:02.359 I have epilepsy, so I can't. I'm not legally allowed 0:07:02.360 --> 0:07:07.279 to drive, not to mention, I'm horrible at it, so it's. 0:07:07.080 --> 0:07:09.760 Probably good self awareness. 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:14.400 It's self awareness. I took a bus first, I take 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:16.520 the first. I took a Munie train to the bus, 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:21.280 and on that Uni train, I'll never forget it. I 0:07:21.640 --> 0:07:26.760 was dealing with such depths of self loathly and self 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:35.560 hatred that came from severe paranoia, major forms of depression, 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:41.080 alongside bipolar disorder. On the low side, paranoid delusions where 0:07:41.080 --> 0:07:42.800 I would believe that people are out to get me, 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:45.920 trying to hurt me, trying to kill me. And I 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:49.440 was in such a dark place, hearing voices in my head, 0:07:50.240 --> 0:07:55.480 auditory hallucinations, having visual hallucinations, seeing and hearing things nobody 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:58.360 else can see here, believing them to be as real 0:07:58.400 --> 0:08:00.880 as the hands in front of my face. And those 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:03.680 voices were telling me I had to take my life 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.080 and that I had no choice, that it was in 0:08:06.120 --> 0:08:08.920 fact inevitable. Those are the words the voices used. And 0:08:08.960 --> 0:08:13.440 if you've never Chris, if you've never heard auditory hallucinations, 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:17.280 imagine your headphones are on, your earbuds are in and 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:20.120 instead of that podcast that like this or that music 0:08:20.240 --> 0:08:23.400 or that or that book. You're hearing a person or 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:27.160 people's voices in your head screaming at you things you 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:29.640 don't want to do, and they're telling you you have 0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:30.560 no other choice. 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:33.040 And it's that clear, and it's that real in your head, 0:08:33.040 --> 0:08:36.520 because I'll be honest, I have never felt that or 0:08:36.640 --> 0:08:39.560 heard something like that, and so it's that real and 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:40.480 you're in your head. 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:43.760 Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people around the 0:08:43.840 --> 0:08:49.520 world live with auditory hallucinations something both autit turned visual 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:54.440 like me, and you know, Chris, they can be nice. 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:58.120 I've met people that say their their voices tell them 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:00.640 wake up, brush your teeth, take your hour, you know, 0:09:00.760 --> 0:09:03.880 stuff like that. But mine were very vicious, very mean, 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:08.160 and hated me and and they told me how to die. 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:10.920 So I get on that medi train, the mini train 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:14.120 gets to the next bus stop, and I vividly remember going, 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:16.199 I need I need a last meal. I need a 0:09:16.280 --> 0:09:20.360 last meal, because why not? And so I walked into 0:09:20.400 --> 0:09:23.840 a Walgreens, the Walgreens I frequented many many years where 0:09:23.840 --> 0:09:28.120 I got my medications that I wasn't taking at the 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:33.000 time properly, right of course, uh and and and I 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:36.119 and I walk in there and I five finger discounted 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:39.800 a starbus and the skittles I stole it. I don't worry, 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:41.840 don't report me to the police. I since returned the 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:43.679 money and paid them, so we don't need to do that. 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:46.400 But but I did. This was my favorite two candies, 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:49.400 and I and I took them and I went. I 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:51.839 got on the next bus. I sat in the very 0:09:51.880 --> 0:09:54.240 back row, in the middle seat, looking out upon everybody 0:09:54.240 --> 0:09:57.720 who board it. And basically, over the course of the 0:09:57.760 --> 0:10:00.920 time from that bus stop to the Golden gate Bridge 0:10:00.960 --> 0:10:05.319 parking lot, about one hundred and so people boarded the bus. 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:08.360 And I'm the very last person in the middle, looking 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:15.720 at everybody, and I begin to cry softly, moderately, waterfalls 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:19.200 then flowing from my eyes. And then Chris, I began 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:23.040 screaming aloud at the voices I was hearing in my head. 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:27.120 Leave me alone. I don't want to die. Why do 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:28.920 you hate me so much? What did I ever do 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:33.160 to you? I'm a good person. And now, Chris, when 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:36.320 one hundred and so people are looking down the barrel 0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:40.319 of the bus at me but saying absolutely nothing, except 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:44.040 for one man, the man to my left says to 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:47.440 the fella next to him, while pointing at me with 0:10:47.520 --> 0:10:51.199 his thumb while smiling and laughing at my pain, what 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:57.760 the hell's wrong with that kid? And in that moment, Chris, 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:01.800 I think, what was the most alone I've ever felt 0:11:01.800 --> 0:11:02.360 in my life? 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:04.240 Yeah? 0:11:04.360 --> 0:11:07.160 The problem, Chris is that I was surrounded at home 0:11:07.240 --> 0:11:10.679 by a sea of people who love me dearly, and 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:13.280 in that moment of Sue's settle crisis, I could not 0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:19.200 recognize that I could only see, feel, here, touch and 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:24.080 know immeasurable pain. And at this point in the conversation, 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:26.240 I always ask people, and I'll ask you, Chris. I 0:11:26.320 --> 0:11:28.480 know it's your podcast and you're supposed to ask the questions, 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:30.800 but I want to ask you one question. Yeah, and 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:32.800 this is important for the audience to understand. Who don't 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:36.800 get suicidal ideation? Chris, what is the one thing you 0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:41.680 want to happen when you find yourself an excruciating physical pain? 0:11:41.760 --> 0:11:43.240 What do you want that pain to do? 0:11:43.360 --> 0:11:46.000 Go away? Go away as fast as possible. 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:49.440 Stop, go away, and or leave. That's physical pain. 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:50.400 Yeah. 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.520 My argument over the last twenty three twenty four years 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:55.880 of doing this work in brain and mental health and 0:11:55.880 --> 0:12:00.640 suicide prevention is that brain pain. Mental pain is three 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:03.480 hundred thousand times worse than any physical pain we could 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:07.600 ever experience. Because the people around us tend to invalidate 0:12:07.640 --> 0:12:10.480 it because they cannot see it, it must not be real, 0:12:11.320 --> 0:12:13.800 and that needs to change. Now back to the story hand. 0:12:14.200 --> 0:12:19.640 There I was on the bridge, devastated beyond measure and 0:12:19.720 --> 0:12:22.920 hearing the voices while looking at the people ignoring me, 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:29.320 while in the greatest, single, greatest painful moment in my life, 0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:32.839 believing I had to take my life and believing I 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:37.280 had no other option. And the bus, of course, gets 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:40.679 to the Golden Gate Bridge parking lot, and one hundred 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:43.800 people deboard right there with their Fannie packs and their 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:46.720 foreign accents and their cameras that weren't yet phones. 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:48.880 Right a bunch of tourists, people going to see the bridge. 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:52.439 And literally, Chris, there was nobody left on the bus 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:56.960 but me and the driver, and I am just hoping 0:12:57.960 --> 0:13:00.520 beyond all hope and wishing beyond wishes and praying beyond 0:13:00.520 --> 0:13:05.280 all prayers that this bus driver will see me and 0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:09.719 see my pain. Not that it's his responsibility, but when 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:13.240 you think about the larger issue of suicide and suitsaid preension. 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:17.280 It's all of our responsibilities look out for our fellow 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:20.880 human being and those that may be in danger, even 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:25.800 of themselves. I think, because you know, we live in 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:31.400 a tough world, especially these days, and people are hurting 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.360 and in deep pain that they're not talking about it. 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:36.040 And there's a reason they're not talking about it. They're 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:38.280 not talking about it because they don't feel safe talking 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:41.080 about it. They don't feel sane talking about it, and 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:43.000 they feel like when they talk about it, they're gonna 0:13:43.000 --> 0:13:44.439 be locked up in a white wall, padded room and 0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:46.800 throat and the key is gonna be thrown away. That's 0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:47.480 how I felt. 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:49.240 Yes, I was on that bus. 0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:51.480 The bus gets there, everybody need boards and the bus 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:54.440 driver eyes me, looks right at me and goes, come on, kid, 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:58.120 get off the bus. I gotta go. You couldn't even 0:13:58.120 --> 0:14:00.360 see it. So I walk up to him, look him 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.439 right in his eyes. Waterfalls are now flowing from mine, 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:06.120 and he just motions me to get off the bus. 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:11.000 And I walked down those two short steps and they 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:15.360 felt like a million my heart heavy, my body weighing down, 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:19.280 the pains so great, and I walked onto the span 0:14:19.360 --> 0:14:21.440 on the Golden gate bridge, and I paced back and 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:25.480 forth for nearly forty minutes, crying like a baby. 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:28.080 How old are you at this time? I was nineteen 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:29.280 nineteen years old. 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:34.240 Yeah, And bikers and joggers and runners and tourists and 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:39.560 patrol officers searching for suicidal people went by me twice. Now, 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:41.800 I always make it clear those officers at the time, 0:14:41.840 --> 0:14:45.240 in the year two thousand, they they did not have 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:48.040 the training they have today. I've trained many of them. 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:50.520 They did not at the training they have today to 0:14:50.640 --> 0:14:54.720 search for people who are in that place. And over 0:14:54.720 --> 0:15:00.400 the last ten years, those officers have, in their valiant 0:15:00.440 --> 0:15:02.640 effort saying between fifty and one hundred and twenty lives 0:15:02.640 --> 0:15:07.200 from going over those rails every That's incredible, and that's 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:10.680 more power to them. But they didn't have that protocol 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:14.840 for me. They had that protocol because of me. And 0:15:14.880 --> 0:15:17.120 so I found myself at a very particular light rail, 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:21.880 which I'll never forget, and I never name it because 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:24.400 I never want anybody to copy what I did. But 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:29.480 I know the exact light rail, and I leaned over 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:32.840 that four foot nothing rail that ease of access to 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:35.240 lethal means, and I cried profusely. My tears to the 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:41.080 water blow. And I really was having this innern dialogue 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:44.320 battle with the voices and then with my I guess 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:47.560 you would call it my conscience saying Kevin, don't do this. 0:15:47.560 --> 0:15:54.280 This is wrong. You can't do this. Find a phone, 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:58.160 call anybody. I didn't have a cell phone. Call anybody, 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:02.160 Call anyone. You loves you now, And then the voices 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:09.560 would go, you must die jump now. A woman from 0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:17.520 my left approached me and she was smiling, and I thought, 0:16:18.160 --> 0:16:20.800 oh my gosh, this is my lady, this. 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:23.160 Is the she sees my pain, an angel. 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:26.360 She's gonna ask me if I'm okay, I don't have 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:31.280 to do this. I don't have to die today. I 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:34.280 left the fate of my life in a complete stranger's hand, 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:38.360 and it wasn't fair to her. Yeah, And she walks up, 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:44.400 big sunglasses on, and she goes, will you take my picture? 0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:48.000 And hands me a digital camera. 0:16:48.440 --> 0:16:50.080 Oh my gosh, And. 0:16:50.040 --> 0:16:53.920 I took her camera and she posed five. 0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:57.400 Times and there's tears strolling just streaming down your face. 0:16:57.200 --> 0:17:00.800 Where I was gonna leave the world forever. Yeah, maybe 0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:03.280 the sun was in her eyes, Chris. Maybe she was 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:04.760 trying to reach me in her own way, and there 0:17:04.760 --> 0:17:09.480 was a language bearer who knows, who knows, But she 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:13.120 takes her camera back and she walks away, not twenty 0:17:13.160 --> 0:17:16.399 yards off the bridge, back across the whole span to 0:17:16.480 --> 0:17:19.960 re experience it all over again where I was there 0:17:20.160 --> 0:17:21.240 to destroy myself. 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:23.600 And as you saw her walk away, that was like 0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:27.640 your life preserver. Yeah, floating away that that was your hope. 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:29.400 I mean, the bus driver, the people on the bus, 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:32.359 that was enough. But this one, this woman, you know, 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:34.800 you know, even if she was trying to reach me, 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:37.960 I couldn't catch it. And that was like my life preserver. 0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:39.720 I was hoping, beyond a hope that she was going 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:46.240 to say something. And when she walked away, this message 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:48.600 flooded into me. It wasn't so much a voice that 0:17:48.640 --> 0:17:51.240 I was hearing at this point, it was how I felt. 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:56.800 And at this moment I said to myself, absolutely no 0:17:56.840 --> 0:18:03.760 one cares. And that is the single greatest lie any 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:07.320 of us have ever told. When I go and speak 0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:08.840 around the world, I don't remember if I did it 0:18:08.840 --> 0:18:10.560 there at Pebble Beach, but when I go and speak 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:12.560 around the world, every time I tell that part of 0:18:12.560 --> 0:18:15.880 the story, I say, by an honest raise of hands, 0:18:16.960 --> 0:18:19.320 if any of you had been there on that day, 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:22.000 seeing nineteen year old me leaning over that four foot 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:25.000 nothing rail, that ease of access to lethal means ready 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:27.720 to leave my family and this world forever, how many 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:29.240 of you would have cared. 0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:32.280 You did, and we all raised our hands, every one 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:32.640 of us. 0:18:32.800 --> 0:18:36.200 Everybody raises their hand every time, no matter what country, 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:41.720 no matter what life it's everyone raises their hand. People care. 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:48.520 But there is a blockage on both sides. There's a 0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:50.879 blockage in your mind for the people that are suicidal 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:53.480 to say the truth, and there's a blockage on the 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:56.200 other side for the people who love them who don't 0:18:56.240 --> 0:18:59.080 know how to ask the question, are you thinking of 0:18:59.160 --> 0:19:01.919 killing yourself having made plans to take your life? And 0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:04.680 do you have the means? Because the crisis text lines 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:08.480 original AI algorithm, which predates this all this AI craze, 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:12.880 hyper Intelligent has determined those three questions get a more 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.560 honest answer than are you thinking of suicide or are 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:18.240 you thinking of self harm? Because of the taboo on 0:19:18.280 --> 0:19:20.320 the word suicide and the fact that self harm is 0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:23.640 by definition not suicide, it's self harm. And so if 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:26.720 we can understand how to ask these questions to people, 0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:28.760 in desperate pain, who we love or who we care about, 0:19:28.800 --> 0:19:30.320 who we know, or who are our clients for the 0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:33.479 people that are clinicians, if we can understand that and 0:19:33.520 --> 0:19:36.320 not be afraid to say, Hey, I'm worried about you. 0:19:37.200 --> 0:19:39.560 I'm wondering how you're doing. I know you haven't been 0:19:39.600 --> 0:19:41.920 doing well. I can tell. And I'm going to ask 0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:45.400 you three questions. But before I ask you those three questions, 0:19:46.240 --> 0:19:48.479 before you answer them, I want you to be honest, 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:51.359 and I want you to know I'm lacking in any judgment, 0:19:51.480 --> 0:19:53.760 no judgment at all from me, and I am here 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:58.480 for you to listen, to understand, not to respond. Then 0:19:58.520 --> 0:20:01.280 you ask the questions, are you thinking of killing yourself, 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:03.280 having made plans to take your life? Do you have 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:06.240 the means? And you have a chance to save a 0:20:06.280 --> 0:20:09.639 life in that moment? And it works often, it works often, 0:20:09.720 --> 0:20:13.320 really most of the time. And so none of my 0:20:13.359 --> 0:20:15.560 family knew that. So it's not their fault what happened. 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:17.800 They weren't They weren't too blamed for what I did, 0:20:18.160 --> 0:20:21.200 and and and and one of the things your listeners 0:20:21.320 --> 0:20:24.000 and your viewers will know is that all around the world, 0:20:24.720 --> 0:20:28.000 there are millions upon millions of people and families that 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:32.919 have lost loved ones to suicide that inherently and innately 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:37.120 blame themselves. And it's not your fault. They didn't die 0:20:37.119 --> 0:20:39.000 because of your inspited you. They died because of a 0:20:39.080 --> 0:20:41.879 lethal emotional pain that had nothing to do with you. 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:44.600 Take that guilt off of your shoulders. That's too much 0:20:44.640 --> 0:20:45.720 weight for anyone to bear. 0:20:46.240 --> 0:20:48.680 Yeah, and it is very common. It's very common. I've 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:51.080 lost people to suicide, and I know a lot of 0:20:51.119 --> 0:20:53.240 people listening have as well. And that is one of 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:55.080 the first things. If I had only talked to them, 0:20:55.080 --> 0:20:57.000 if I had reached out one more time, if I 0:20:57.040 --> 0:21:00.360 had not been on that business trip, or whatever the excuse, 0:21:00.640 --> 0:21:03.200 you know that we have made up to carry that burden. 0:21:03.840 --> 0:21:09.359 Yeah. Yeah, my sister I found out years later. I 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:11.720 found out fifteen years later. My sister blamed herself for 0:21:11.720 --> 0:21:14.000 the last fifteen years after it happened. 0:21:14.200 --> 0:21:15.639 Really I had. 0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:17.679 I would call her every morning we both went we 0:21:17.680 --> 0:21:20.280 both went to City College at the same time, and 0:21:20.480 --> 0:21:24.280 I would, I would were adopted. She's only nine months 0:21:24.280 --> 0:21:28.520 older than me, and I would, I would. I would 0:21:28.520 --> 0:21:35.159 call her every day before her class, And on this 0:21:35.280 --> 0:21:38.720 day I called her from home I didn't get to 0:21:38.760 --> 0:21:41.639 school yet, and she didn't pick up her phone. She 0:21:41.680 --> 0:21:43.600 had a phone, she didn't pay her phone, she was 0:21:43.600 --> 0:21:46.199 already in class, she couldn't pick it up. So she 0:21:46.359 --> 0:21:49.000 blamed herself for fifteen years. 0:21:49.800 --> 0:21:52.040 Well, and then she finally had that conversation with you 0:21:52.119 --> 0:21:52.920 fifteen years later. 0:21:53.080 --> 0:21:57.400 Teen years later, and she struggles today with severe clinical depression. 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:00.320