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Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't

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Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift.

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Speaker 2: If we don't know something about ourselves at this point

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Speaker 2: in our life, it's probably because it's uncomfortable to know.

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Speaker 2: If you can die before you die, then you can

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Speaker 2: really live. There's a wisdom at death's door. I thought

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Speaker 2: I was insane. Yeah, and I didn't know what to

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Speaker 2: do because there was no internet. I don't know, man,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I feel like everything is hard. Hey, y'all,

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Speaker 2: my name is Kat. I'm a human first and a

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Speaker 2: licensed therapist second. And right now I'm inviting you into

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Speaker 2: conversations that I hope encourage you to become more curious

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Speaker 2: and less judgmental about yourself, others, and the world around you.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi guys, and welcome to

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Speaker 2: a new episode of You Need Therapy podcast. My name

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Speaker 2: is Kat. I am the host and so glad you're here.

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Speaker 2: Before we get started, quick reminder that although this is

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Speaker 2: a podcast hosted by a therapist and it's called You

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Speaker 2: Need Therapy, it does not serve as a replacement or

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Speaker 2: a substitute for any actual mental health services. But we

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Speaker 2: always hope that each episode can help you somehow along

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Speaker 2: whatever journey you are on. Now, before we get into

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Speaker 2: the episode, quick reminder that I started a cute little

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Speaker 2: Instagram page for my private practice, Three Chords Therapy. I

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Speaker 2: would love for you guys to follow that account and

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Speaker 2: give it some love. It is so far, so esthetically

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Speaker 2: pleasing to the eye. I am having a lot of

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Speaker 2: fun utilizing the brand color, colors and fonts and stuff

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Speaker 2: of Three Chords and having a little creative space for

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Speaker 2: myself there. So even if you don't read posts, sometimes

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Speaker 2: they're just pretty to look at. You can also follow

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Speaker 2: the podcast at You Need Therapy podcast and me at

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Speaker 2: kat Defada if you would also like to do that.

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Speaker 2: Now to get started today, I want to share a

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Speaker 2: little story that I think you guys will enjoy, especially

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Speaker 2: if you've been following along for a while. So in January,

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Speaker 2: I had this experience where I got the wrong begel

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Speaker 2: order and I ended up in tears. I ended up

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Speaker 2: upset with Patrick, my boyfriend at the time now fiance.

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Speaker 2: And if you're interested in the details of the why

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Speaker 2: behind the what, that is an episode you should go

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Speaker 2: listen to. It is relatable and it's also a little entertaining,

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Speaker 2: and there is a nice lesson in it for me

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Speaker 2: and I think something you guys can take as well.

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Speaker 2: But if you want to hear the details of that,

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Speaker 2: you should listen to that whole episode. I'll link it

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Speaker 2: in these show notes so you can just click and

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Speaker 2: go writ to it. You can also type in begel

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Speaker 2: and you need therapy in the search bar and I'm

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Speaker 2: sure will come up. But part of that experience was

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Speaker 2: a wake up call for me, and it helped me

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Speaker 2: realized that I needed to purposefully start integrating this question

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Speaker 2: what does this make Possible? That I had been introduced

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Speaker 2: to by the author Don Miller and encouraged to use

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Speaker 2: when Amy Brown and I interviewed him for her podcast

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Speaker 2: Four Things Last. I don't know if it was fall

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Speaker 2: or summer. It was I don't know a while ago,

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Speaker 2: and I really liked that idea, but I didn't notice

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Speaker 2: that I wasn't purposefully integrating that question into my life,

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Speaker 2: even though I was talking about doing it a lot

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Speaker 2: and in a nutshell, that question, what does this make possible?

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Speaker 2: Is a way to stay out of that icky victim

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Speaker 2: mode that oftentimes comes in and kind of takes rain

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Speaker 2: over situations and our attitude in times of disappointment, and

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Speaker 2: it allows us to actually take ownership of our stories

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Speaker 2: and our circumstances, and it is such a helpful, simple

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Speaker 2: question to ask. So since that experience, I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I really need to start asking that question on purpose

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Speaker 2: more often, just rather than just thinking that it's a

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Speaker 2: nice question and hoping that it's going to pop in

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Speaker 2: my head when something hard comes up. So I've been

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Speaker 2: working on that for the past I guess seven months,

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Speaker 2: and then this past week it paid off in the

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Speaker 2: best way, and I got a really cool experience of

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Speaker 2: how that question can help me move through something, and

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Speaker 2: also good data to support the idea behind some of

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Speaker 2: that question. So my fiance and I Patrick originally had

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Speaker 2: our engagement photos scheduled for June fifth. Mind you, I'm

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Speaker 2: not somebody who really loves to take photos and do

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Speaker 2: photoshoots like that. It's something when I worked in fitness

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Speaker 2: and I had to do I kind of dreaded it

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Speaker 2: for multiple reasons. But I was excited about these because,

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Speaker 2: I mean, who doesn't want really cute pictures with their partner?

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Speaker 2: And it was gonna help kind of like get us

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Speaker 2: ready to send out save the dates and do stuff

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Speaker 2: like that, like fun parts of the wedding process, for

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Speaker 2: parts that I think are fun. So we scheduled these

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Speaker 2: photos for June fifth, and it was I made sure

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Speaker 2: it was like the perfect setup. So it was a

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Speaker 2: week after our beach trip, so we would be nice

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Speaker 2: and tan and our skin would be looking good. And

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Speaker 2: I took the day off work. I think I actually

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Speaker 2: end up seeing one client that day, but I took

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Speaker 2: the majority of the day after off of work. I

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Speaker 2: scheduled my hair appointment that morning, and my hairstylists actually

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Speaker 2: worked on her day off to do my hair for that.

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Speaker 2: And if you're looking for an amazing hairstylist in the

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Speaker 2: Nashville Spring Hill, Columbia area, look up Margaret Jane Beauty.

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Speaker 2: She's amazing and so kind, so she did that. I

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Speaker 2: scheduled my makeup trial that day so I could have

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Speaker 2: really pretty makeup and I could just feel like, you know,

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Speaker 2: kind of pampered that day. I wanted it to be

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Speaker 2: a fun day, partly because I don't like love taking pictures,

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Speaker 2: but that all was fun. So I set all that up.

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Speaker 2: And we had decided to do our photos at this

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Speaker 2: outdoor location near downtown because we wanted this city downtown

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Speaker 2: kind of look to our pictures, and our outfits were

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Speaker 2: also tailored to that. So actually, I just talked about

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Speaker 2: how the Instagram page I made is esthetically pleasing, but

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Speaker 2: I'm not a real I don't consider myself a very

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Speaker 2: good visual person. So like identifying the location, identifying the outfits,

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Speaker 2: how I wanted to do my hair, all of that

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Speaker 2: is kind of overwhelming to me, but we did it.

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Speaker 2: I was ready, the day was happening, and well, as

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Speaker 2: life likes to do through us, some curveball. So as

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Speaker 2: I'm getting I'm driving on my way to my hair appointment.

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Speaker 2: I have to drive like forty five minutes away, which

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Speaker 2: is worth it to get my hair done by Emily

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Speaker 2: because she's amazing. And I get a text from our

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Speaker 2: photographer asking if we'd be interested in changing our date

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Speaker 2: for our pictures, and at first I was like, no,

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Speaker 2: I don't really want to. I just want to do

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Speaker 2: them today. I also am a business owner that knows

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Speaker 2: that sometimes things come up and there's not somebody to

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Speaker 2: cover for you because you are your business, and so

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Speaker 2: I was very kind about it, but said, like I

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Speaker 2: have these things set up. I have my makeup setup.

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Speaker 2: I don't know that i'd be able to reschedule it

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Speaker 2: without being charged for the service, which I would understand.

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Speaker 2: So if we could get them done today, i'd like

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Speaker 2: to still do that. And she's very kind and she's like,

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Speaker 2: totally okay, I'm still excited to do them. I just

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Speaker 2: want to let you know. Turns out there was a

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Speaker 2: family emergency. Not going to give details because it doesn't

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Speaker 2: really matter, and I was like, wait a second, no, no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 2: this is a family emergency. This doesn't sound like just

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Speaker 2: to I'd like to go to dinner with my husband tonight.

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Speaker 2: Can you reschedule your photos? It was a I really

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Speaker 2: do need to and so I was like, I am

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Speaker 2: more than happy to reschedule these, and we found a

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Speaker 2: day we were able to reschedule them that all worked out.

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Speaker 2: By the way, our photographer is incredible, the sweetest person ever.

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Speaker 2: She also works with her husband. Her name is Glennay Gilbert,

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Speaker 2: and I can't say enough wonderful things about her. And

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Speaker 2: she was actually recommended to us by our wedding coordinators,

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Speaker 2: simply golden. They're also fantastic. So I will tag all

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Speaker 2: this people as well, So if you're in this process,

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Speaker 2: you can reach out to those people and hopefully have

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Speaker 2: as the luck that I'm having. So anyway, at this point,

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Speaker 2: it didn't feel like luck. So I was disappointed. I

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Speaker 2: had just gotten my hair done, and I'm like, dang it,

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Speaker 2: I never get my hair done on days that I

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Speaker 2: actually have somewhere cool to go, like, I always end

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Speaker 2: up getting my hair done and then like I had

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Speaker 2: to go teach a workout class or I just went

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Speaker 2: home and watched TV. And I always joke about I

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Speaker 2: need to schedule my hair appointments on like date nights

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Speaker 2: or stuff like that. So I'd done it and then

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Speaker 2: this happened. And normally I'm the type of person that

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Speaker 2: would probably complain about something like that. I would be understanding,

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Speaker 2: but also be like, oh, this is so annoying, like

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Speaker 2: da da da. But one I was very understanding, and

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Speaker 2: I had this deep sense of this is gonna be

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Speaker 2: fine in my body. So I had been working on

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Speaker 2: asking this question, what does this make possible? And it

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Speaker 2: made a couple things possible. One I was playing on

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Speaker 2: driving to my parents' house before the pictures to pick

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Speaker 2: up these earrings that I wanted to wear of my

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Speaker 2: mom's for the pictures that I actually didn't end up wearing,

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Speaker 2: but their beautiful earrings, and so I wasn't rushed and

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Speaker 2: didn't feel stressed about that. And then I got to

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Speaker 2: spend the afternoon with my nieces and nephews, swimming and

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Speaker 2: playing and holding my little baby nephews and I got

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Speaker 2: to feed them and I got to burp them and

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Speaker 2: they spit up all over me, and it was like

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Speaker 2: so cute but also gross, and I just got to

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Speaker 2: have a really nice evening. I got to hang out

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Speaker 2: with my mom, I got to see my sister, and

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Speaker 2: so I got to actually use this day to enjoy

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Speaker 2: something that I wouldn't have gotten to enjoy, and that

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Speaker 2: was really cool. Fast forward to our new date. I

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Speaker 2: got a date where the makeup artist could do it.

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Speaker 2: It worked for a photographer for it worked for us.

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Speaker 2: Everything was great. A couple weeks later, and of.

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Speaker 1: Course, of course, all week there's a chance of rain.

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Speaker 1: All week there's a chance of rain, and.

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Speaker 2: The chance is up and the chances down, and you know,

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Speaker 2: natural weather is so unpredictable, and I feel like that's

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Speaker 2: weather everywhere. And this is why I would never consider

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Speaker 2: having an outdoor wedding, because I have too much anxiety

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Speaker 2: about that kind of stuff. But I had this sense

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Speaker 2: of peace as well, that like things are gonna work out,

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Speaker 2: Like if it rains, something is gonna be made possible.

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Speaker 2: And so I kind of been ignoring the rain. And

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Speaker 2: then my photographer or day or two or before, is like,

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Speaker 2: we might need to start thinking about a rain plan.

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Speaker 2: And again I'm saying, what does this make possible? So

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Speaker 2: what are what are possible rain plants? There are a

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Speaker 2: bunch of options that she gave me, like a home

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Speaker 2: photo shoot, renting a studio, doing it at the Parthenon

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Speaker 2: in Natural which has like a roof inside the column

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Speaker 2: so you can still be outside but also inside covered.

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Speaker 2: And then also she said you could take them in

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Speaker 2: a hotel lobby, and Nashville has a lot of really

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Speaker 2: cool boutique hotel lobbies. However, she said a lot of

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Speaker 2: these cost a lot of money, but there was one,

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Speaker 2: the Graduate Hotel, that usually doesn't charge. Now, the Graduate

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Speaker 2: Hotel is super cute. It's also very girly, very pink,

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Speaker 2: and it's it's a vibe. It's a cute vibe, but

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Speaker 2: it is a vibe. Patrick did not like that solution,

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Speaker 2: which I said to him, Well, if you don't like

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Speaker 2: the solution I came up with, you can find another one.

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Speaker 2: And I was halfway joking, but I was a little

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Speaker 2: bit stressed. But in my soul I still was like,

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Speaker 2: it's gonna be fine, like these pictures are still gonna

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Speaker 2: turn out cute, Like it's again. Part of me was like,

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Speaker 2: these are just pictures, but they're important pictures. So I'm

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Speaker 2: really dragging this story out. But turns out I emailed

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Speaker 2: this that hotel, and then I emailed some other hotels

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Speaker 2: or one other hotel that is like the coolest hotel ever.

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Speaker 2: It's my favorite hotel in Nashville, has a really good rooftop.

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Speaker 2: It's just really moody on the inside in the lobby

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Speaker 2: and the bar, which is kind of the vibe of

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Speaker 2: our wedding. But I actually did not know that having

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Speaker 2: like an indoor shoot at a place like this was

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Speaker 2: even an option for from the get go, else I

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Speaker 2: would have probably be would have been interested in this.

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Speaker 2: So turns out the hotel that we thought was free

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Speaker 2: actually costs a lot of money to take pictures in there.

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Speaker 2: And I got an email from the hotel that I

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Speaker 2: thought was going to cost a lot of money, saying, oh,

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Speaker 2: you can come and do this, you just have to

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Speaker 2: fill out a form. So two hours before I need

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Speaker 2: to take my pictures, I'm like calling this hotel and

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Speaker 2: I'm like, are you sure? Like I was just told

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Speaker 2: her I could do this. They just want to make

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Speaker 2: sure before we get there, and they're like, who told

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Speaker 2: you that? No, Like, we don't do that. Hold on

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Speaker 2: a second, I'm gonna put you on hold. And then

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Speaker 2: the sweet customer service salespeople were like, so somebody told

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Speaker 2: you that and they shouldn't have said that, but because

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Speaker 2: they told you that you could, we're going to let

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Speaker 2: you do it. And I was like, okay, no questions, asked,

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Speaker 2: like I don't want to push my luck, like we're

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Speaker 2: going to be here this time, da da da, thank

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Speaker 2: you so much, and I was over the moon static.

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Speaker 2: So we showed up to the venue and my photographer

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Speaker 2: actually said the last time she shot there, the couple

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Speaker 2: had to pay like something like four hundred, five hundred

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Speaker 2: dollars to take pictures there, and we got to do

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Speaker 2: it for free, and our pictures we got a little

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Speaker 2: sneak peak, like literally twenty minutes after we took them,

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Speaker 2: she already made a little real We got a little

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Speaker 2: sneak peak of the pictures, and they are more magnificent

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Speaker 2: and more of what I would have I would have

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Speaker 2: been able to dream these pictures up in my head.

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Speaker 2: I can't imagine them being any better if we would

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Speaker 2: have taken them outside at the original location. Like they

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Speaker 2: are so cool. I was so happy with them. I

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Speaker 2: couldn't stop staring at them. And it also ended up

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Speaker 2: being such a fun experience. We got to order drinks

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Speaker 2: at the bar and like have a drink while we

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Speaker 2: were taking the pictures. And after we took the pictures,

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Speaker 2: Patrick and I went across the street to this restaurant

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Speaker 2: that I didn't even know was open and had a

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Speaker 2: fun little date night and Patrick into a friend he

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Speaker 2: hadn't seen in years that gave us a free dessert

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Speaker 2: with our meal. And it ended up being such a

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Speaker 2: cool night that never would have happened if all of

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Speaker 2: the challenges and all the cancelations and all of the

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Speaker 2: rescheduling wouldn't have happened. And what is really interesting about

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Speaker 2: that whole story is during this kind of trying to

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Speaker 2: figure out what we're gonna do process, the photographer texted

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Speaker 2: me and said, hey, like I just want to check out,

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Speaker 2: how are you feeling, Like, I'm so sorry we had

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Speaker 2: to reschedule, and I'm so sorry that this weather is happening.

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Speaker 2: I know that's stressful, and I just had this calmness

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Speaker 2: about me and I said, you know, I think whatever

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Speaker 2: needs to happen is going to happen. It's gonna work out.

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Speaker 2: And I really felt that way, like I was trying

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Speaker 2: to find a place to have these pictures and I

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Speaker 2: had this level of stress that then encouraged me to

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Speaker 2: go make a plan. But I didn't feel upset. I

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Speaker 2: didn't feel angry. I didn't feel like the world was

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Speaker 2: against me. I didn't feel any of those things. I

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Speaker 2: kept having this feeling of these things are happening for me.

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Speaker 2: What does this make possible? And it made a lot possible.

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Speaker 2: So later that week, I took a trip to Birmingham,

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Speaker 2: Alabama to visit a treatment center called Magnolia Creek. They

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Speaker 2: are a treatment center for eating disorders in their own

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Speaker 2: by Odyssey, which is a network that owns a bunch

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Speaker 2: of treatment centers, mental health treatment centers of different kinds.

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Speaker 2: And I've made a lot of really great friends from

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Speaker 2: connecting with the people that work there, one of them

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Speaker 2: being Kayla Carson, who actually has been on this podcast before.

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Speaker 2: So we go to this treatment center. It's a treatment

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Speaker 2: center for eating disorders. I don't remember if I said that,

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Speaker 2: but I also got to take two of three Cords

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Speaker 2: therapy therapists with me, Julia, who was actually on the

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Speaker 2: podcast last week, and Josie, my two newest members. So

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Speaker 2: it was really fun to be able to go on

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Speaker 2: a little trip with them. And we went to the

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Speaker 2: treatment center. We were on a tour. We were seeing

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Speaker 2: the houses, everything, the grounds. It's a beautiful place. And

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Speaker 2: we went to the kitchen and we got to meet

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Speaker 2: the chef, which the chef of an undisort of treatment

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Speaker 2: center is pretty important because there's a lot of food

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Speaker 2: involved in the therapy and just the programma in general.

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Speaker 2: So during our meeting with this chef, he told us

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Speaker 2: a short antidote about something called biosphere two and what

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Speaker 2: happened to the trees that were involved in this experiment.

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Speaker 2: And if you were unaware of what biosphere two is,

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Speaker 2: it's okay because until yesterday I had no idea what

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Speaker 2: it was. So I'm gonna give you in a nutshell

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Speaker 2: what this thing is and I'm taking this from Encyclopedia Britannica,

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Speaker 2: so you can trust it, I hope. So buyas Here

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Speaker 2: two is a research like a scientific research facility, and

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Speaker 2: it's in Oracle, Arizona, and it was designed to emulate

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Speaker 2: Earth's environment, which is it's called bias Here two because

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Speaker 2: the Earth's environment would be buyas Here one. And it's

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Speaker 2: best known for these two missions that they conducted in

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Speaker 2: the early nineteen nineties. And in those missions, in the

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Speaker 2: first one, essentially there were eight people and they were

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Speaker 2: stealed inside this enclosed dome environment and it was to

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Speaker 2: study survivability. And from what I understand, the driving force

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Speaker 2: from these studies was to see if there was an

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Speaker 2: ability to sustain life in outer space and on Mars

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Speaker 2: and stuff like that. And in the first mission they

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Speaker 2: had it. These eight people went and lived in there

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Speaker 2: for two whole years. It was in nineteen ninety one,

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Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure. So in this experiment, the people they

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Speaker 2: are called Biospherians. They were expected to stay in all

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Speaker 2: of their own life, so they had to grow their

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Speaker 2: own food, they had to do literally everything they were

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Speaker 2: living in this space, and everything was self sustained. So

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Speaker 2: turns out a lot of people say that this mission

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Speaker 2: was somewhat of a failure, although I think that there's

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Speaker 2: a lot of things that were learned in this. A

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Speaker 2: couple of things happened, one being the oxygen levels were

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Speaker 2: dropping rapidly. Was a big deal because it was affecting

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Speaker 2: the health of the people in there. So they ended

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Speaker 2: up actually pumping oxygen into the dome, and so the

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Speaker 2: experience was somewhat compromised because they had to actually, you know,

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Speaker 2: bring stuff from outside inside. And that mission the first

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Speaker 2: one they actually did go the full two years. Then

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Speaker 2: they did it again after they made some changes, and

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Speaker 2: that actually didn't go as long as they were wanting

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Speaker 2: it to go. And I think that was because of

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Speaker 2: like just the management and finances and stuff like that.

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Speaker 2: It's now I think owned by a college research center

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Speaker 2: or something like that. But this was a huge deal

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Speaker 2: back in the nineties, and I'm sure if you were

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Speaker 2: alive during that you would have remembered that. I didn't

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Speaker 2: remember that because I was like three when it was happening,

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Speaker 2: so I don't have actual experiences of hearing those stories. However,

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Speaker 2: it is very fascinating and I would I think there's

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Speaker 2: a documentary right now on it on one of the

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Speaker 2: you know TV network situations. I don't know if it's

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Speaker 2: Ulu or HBO or Netflix, but I think I want

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Speaker 2: to go watch that because it sounds very fascinating now.

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Speaker 2: When I was at Magnolia Creek, the chef explained that

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Speaker 2: during this experiment there was a really strange thing that

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Speaker 2: happened that was very confusing at first, and this thing

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Speaker 2: had to do with the trees. So as the trees grew,

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Speaker 2: everything at first seemed great. They grew really tall, they

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Speaker 2: would grow robust, But as time went on and as

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Speaker 2: the trees grew taller, they ended up falling over and

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Speaker 2: dying and splitting for no real apparent reason at first.

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Speaker 2: Later it was noted that because the dome was like

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Speaker 2: a closed system, like there's no it's just like being

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Speaker 2: in a house. It's an enclosed structure that there was

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Speaker 2: no wind inside, which doesn't really feel like a big deal. However,

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Speaker 2: wind causes trees to sway, and in that swaying, it

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Speaker 2: force them to adapt in order to survive, and so

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Speaker 2: the tree fivers that would face these winds would grow

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Speaker 2: stronger and deeper. And I am like, as I'm saying

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Speaker 2: that I'm thinking about. Yeah, if you're being blown by

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Speaker 2: something like let's say you're outside and you're being blown

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Speaker 2: by the wind, you kind of have to stabilize yourself.

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Speaker 2: Maybe you grab onto something, maybe you tighten your abs

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Speaker 2: and your core so you can find your balance. And

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00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,400
Speaker 2: while you do that, you're strengthening all of your muscles.

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Speaker 2: It's the same thing with the trees outside. And if

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Speaker 2: you just I mean, if I look outside my house,

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Speaker 2: there's all these trees that have withstood a lot of

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Speaker 2: storms and wind and all this stuff, and they're growing tall,

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Speaker 2: and they're huge, and they're not just falling over when

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Speaker 2: nothing happens. But in the dome, nothing would happen and

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00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,399
Speaker 2: they would just topple over. So why did he tells

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Speaker 2: the story? And what does this mean for us? So

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Speaker 2: why did he tells the story? And what does this

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00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,360
Speaker 2: mean for us? Well, it actually could mean a lot

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00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,359
Speaker 2: of things, but what I see it as it's a

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00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:08,000
Speaker 2: beautiful example of what we mean and what I mean

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Speaker 2: when I say that our nervous system needs to be

396
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:16,199
Speaker 2: activated in order to become resilient. We cannot become strong

397
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:20,920
Speaker 2: without being tested. We have to experience, to gain experience

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Speaker 2: and it's sort of like a wake up call for

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Speaker 2: us protective types, for the people pleasers, for the ones

400
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,480
Speaker 2: that are really afraid of the people that we love

401
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,760
Speaker 2: getting hurt and we want to shield them from that.

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Speaker 2: It makes me think of in my own life conversations

403
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Speaker 2: that I've had with my mom about things that have

404
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,040
Speaker 2: caused me pain as a kid or did cause me

405
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 2: pain as a kid, and just like hard things that

406
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,840
Speaker 2: I went through, whether it was at home or whether

407
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,240
Speaker 2: it was at school or anywhere, and a lot of

408
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,119
Speaker 2: times my mom meets me with these reactions like I

409
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:57,920
Speaker 2: wish I would have known better, or I'm sorry I

410
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,680
Speaker 2: let you down, or I hate that ill to happen,

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00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,600
Speaker 2: or just I don't know if she says exactly that,

412
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,840
Speaker 2: but it's of that tone where it feels like, oh,

413
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,840
Speaker 2: I did something wrong that I didn't protect you from

414
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:14,439
Speaker 2: that experience. And I've very often in those moments not

415
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,439
Speaker 2: had the right words to say to really communicate back

416
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,680
Speaker 2: what I want to my mom in those moments. I

417
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,800
Speaker 2: don't know if I am like, oh, like kind of

418
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,040
Speaker 2: like a roll of the eye of that's not what

419
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:26,760
Speaker 2: I shared this. I didn't say this to make you

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00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 2: feel bad. And I think I get like that, and

421
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,520
Speaker 2: I say things like that because when I'm sharing those experiences,

422
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:37,920
Speaker 2: oftentimes I'm not sharing them because I wish that something

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00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,560
Speaker 2: else would have happened. And I'm not sharing them to

424
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,600
Speaker 2: guilt somebody or shame somebody from not protecting me from

425
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,960
Speaker 2: experiences in my life. I share them a lot of

426
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,000
Speaker 2: times because as much as there is a part of

427
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,480
Speaker 2: me that wants to erase the pain that the little

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00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:58,680
Speaker 2: girl and so my childhoodhood memories felt and experienced, there's

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00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,440
Speaker 2: a bigger part of me that would hate for her

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Speaker 2: not to go through that. I had to get scratched

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00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 2: up a little in order to learn how to care

432
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,560
Speaker 2: for myself. And I had to get scratched up, and

433
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,679
Speaker 2: I had to learn how to care for myself to

434
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,080
Speaker 2: realize the strength and the power that I possess and

435
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,399
Speaker 2: my ability to heal. And I also had to go

436
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,520
Speaker 2: through those things to become the kind of person who

437
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:25,240
Speaker 2: would want to make a career out of working in

438
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 2: this field. And I hold those things as memories that

439
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,399
Speaker 2: include a lot of sadness, but not memories that I

440
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 2: want to erase from my life, and memories that I

441
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,200
Speaker 2: wish somebody would have protected me from and there are

442
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:41,480
Speaker 2: times when both of those things can be true. Right.

443
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,000
Speaker 2: We wish that we had protection and we gained a

444
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:48,320
Speaker 2: lot of resiliency and strength and power through the experiences,

445
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:52,000
Speaker 2: and we cannot roll out the red carpet for the

446
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:55,360
Speaker 2: ones coming after us, whether those are children, whether those

447
00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:58,119
Speaker 2: are friends, whether those are just people in the world.

448
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:02,320
Speaker 2: We cannot roll out carpet for every person coming after

449
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:06,800
Speaker 2: us to keep them from experiencing feelings that are necessary

450
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,879
Speaker 2: to feel to move through life and become the people

451
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,600
Speaker 2: that we really need to become. We need to leave

452
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,760
Speaker 2: a little space for people to walk in the mud

453
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,360
Speaker 2: a little bit, because without the discomfort or the challenge,

454
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:19,879
Speaker 2: there is a little way that we are actually able

455
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:23,399
Speaker 2: to learn. And then when we are gone, the people

456
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,080
Speaker 2: that went through the experiences, when we're gone, what are

457
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 2: those people going to do when there's nobody to roll

458
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,240
Speaker 2: out a red carpet for them. And this isn't to

459
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,520
Speaker 2: say that we need to just like push people into

460
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,080
Speaker 2: a fire, right, but like it's okay to get a

461
00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:38,199
Speaker 2: little hot sometimes and it feels cliche, but I just

462
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:43,520
Speaker 2: think some cliches exist because they are reality. Adversity is

463
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,639
Speaker 2: one of our greatest teachers and removing adversity robs us

464
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,120
Speaker 2: of life's most important lessons that we all need. Oftentimes,

465
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 2: it's nice to read a lesson, it's nice to read that,

466
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,760
Speaker 2: Oh that's cool, that that sounds cool. But when we

467
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,760
Speaker 2: experience a lesson, that's how it's rooted in our bodies,

468
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,800
Speaker 2: that's how it stays. That's how we actually then moved

469
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:06,199
Speaker 2: through a process and that becomes our own process. And

470
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,439
Speaker 2: if we move back to the beginning, to the story

471
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,440
Speaker 2: I told in the beginning of this episode, and those

472
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,159
Speaker 2: who remember the original bagel story, where I wish so

473
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 2: badly in the moment that I had the ability to

474
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:21,760
Speaker 2: ask myself, what is this snake possible? I wasn't yet

475
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,280
Speaker 2: used to that idea. I wasn't yet used to being

476
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,760
Speaker 2: able to ask myself, what does this snake possible? I

477
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 2: wasn't able to implement that through my annoyances that experience

478
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,199
Speaker 2: big and small. But with every experience since that, I

479
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 2: have actively tried to ask myself that question, and now

480
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,760
Speaker 2: that it's becoming my reality. But I had to keep

481
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:43,920
Speaker 2: going through little things, little challenges, little inconveniences, big challenges

482
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 2: where I was able to have the experience to ask

483
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 2: myself that, where then I could gain data that shows

484
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:54,639
Speaker 2: that sometimes these challenges bring us things better than we

485
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 2: could have imagined. And also sometimes these challenges are not

486
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,040
Speaker 2: here to hurt us, but they are here to give

487
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:06,720
Speaker 2: us an opportunity to become better versions of ourselves. I

488
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 2: didn't snap my fingers, and that become an easy thing

489
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,000
Speaker 2: for me to do. I didn't just snap my fingers,

490
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:14,680
Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna trust the universe. The

491
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 2: universe is for me. Everything's gonna work out for me,

492
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,560
Speaker 2: you know, like the Lucky Girl syndrome. I had to

493
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,200
Speaker 2: work through this, and I'm still working through it. There's

494
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,800
Speaker 2: still gonna be things where it's not as easy for

495
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 2: me to ask that question, but I learned to do

496
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 2: it through my experiences, and in my experiences where things

497
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:31,760
Speaker 2: mess up and things are messy, that is giving me

498
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,760
Speaker 2: an opportunity to grow those strong roots and build my

499
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:38,320
Speaker 2: own resiliency, if that makes any sense. So I used

500
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,919
Speaker 2: to go to this workout class years ago, and the

501
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:46,800
Speaker 2: instructor one time said, this isn't hard. This is challenging.

502
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,000
Speaker 2: The floor is hard, concrete is hard. This thing that

503
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 2: you're doing right now, this is challenging, and I actually

504
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,200
Speaker 2: started to adopt that as something that would often repeat

505
00:26:56,240 --> 00:27:00,800
Speaker 2: my own classes, because something being hard it feels different

506
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 2: than something being a challenge. Where there is a challenge,

507
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,359
Speaker 2: there seems to be an opportunity for something, something that

508
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,399
Speaker 2: would otherwise not be there. And I believe that the

509
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,879
Speaker 2: words that we use matter, the meaning that we make

510
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,480
Speaker 2: from those words matters, and the questions that we ask

511
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:20,639
Speaker 2: ourselves really matter, and shaping our growth or shaping our

512
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 2: struggle and suffering, and something being challenging is so often

513
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 2: really such a blessing to us big and small. I mean,

514
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,520
Speaker 2: like the small inconveniences of your engagement, pictures being moved,

515
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 2: and the big inconveniences of something going bad in business,

516
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:42,720
Speaker 2: a illness, a lost opportunity somewhere. Now do I love this? Honestly?

517
00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,640
Speaker 2: I will tell you no. I wish life was easy, breezy,

518
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,440
Speaker 2: and I wish there was a way for us to

519
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,560
Speaker 2: just be happy and move through life and learn the

520
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,479
Speaker 2: things and grow and get strong just by nothing happening

521
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,920
Speaker 2: to us. But that is not our reality, and denying

522
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 2: what our reality is it just creates suffering out of

523
00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:02,919
Speaker 2: what really could be opportunity challenges move us to grow,

524
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 2: and our growth allows us to take in the fullness

525
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:09,360
Speaker 2: of what life has to offer. So I want to

526
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 2: end and leave you guys with this without judging the

527
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,359
Speaker 2: complexity or the size of the challenge you're facing today

528
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 2: or tomorrow or the next day. I want you to

529
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 2: continue to include the question what does this make possible

530
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,280
Speaker 2: in your experience? And if you do that, who knows?

531
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,680
Speaker 2: You may just get the engagement photos of your dreams

532
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:35,360
Speaker 2: something that might be helpful. A way to actively try

533
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,159
Speaker 2: to do this. If you're a journal er, something that

534
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,600
Speaker 2: you can write about daily, you can say what challenges

535
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,880
Speaker 2: were there today in my life and what did those

536
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 2: challenges make possible for me? You can gain some data, right,

537
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 2: and so you can be attuned to that idea that

538
00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:52,959
Speaker 2: challenges can bring us a lot of grief sometimes and

539
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,400
Speaker 2: also a lot of opportunity and growth for something that

540
00:28:56,480 --> 00:29:00,280
Speaker 2: maybe we wouldn't have chosen, but it's still good. I've

541
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,720
Speaker 2: talked about that quote often and I don't know the

542
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 2: exactness of it, and I told you guys that I

543
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:06,200
Speaker 2: would look it up and I have not done so.

544
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 2: But that quote that I found on TikTok that talked

545
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,840
Speaker 2: about how people telling you that everything's going to be

546
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,920
Speaker 2: okay doesn't mean that everything's going to work out just

547
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:18,840
Speaker 2: like you planned. It means that despite life not working

548
00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:21,440
Speaker 2: out how we planned it or how we hoped it

549
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:25,080
Speaker 2: to be, that life can still surprise us because there

550
00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:28,280
Speaker 2: are things out there that are above and outside of

551
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 2: our own understanding, and we want to allow life to

552
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 2: continue to surprise us in good and in wonderful ways.

553
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 2: So I'm going to leave you with that. If you

554
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 2: have any questions, know that you can always email me

555
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 2: Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can

556
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:49,360
Speaker 2: follow me at three Quarts Therapy, at you Need Therapy Podcasts,

557
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:52,640
Speaker 2: and at Kat dot Defada. I'll be back on Wednesday

558
00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:54,959
Speaker 2: for couch Talks, and until then, I hope you are

559
00:29:55,000 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 2: having the day you need to have. Bye, guys,