1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, or welcome back to 5 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: the show. Welcome back to the podcast, my old listeners, 6 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,839 Speaker 1: my new listeners, wherever you are in the world, it's 7 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,920 Speaker 1: great to have you here. Back for another episode as 8 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,560 Speaker 1: we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. 9 00:00:41,479 --> 00:00:45,199 Speaker 1: The right person but tragically presented to us at the 10 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:49,839 Speaker 1: wrong time, who amongst us hasn't had someone in our 11 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 1: life or still does, Who is seemingly perfect for us, 12 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: who could be the love of our lives, but something 13 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,360 Speaker 1: is kind of coming between you two distance, life changes, 14 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:07,920 Speaker 1: other people, emotional readiness, timing. It always comes down to timing, 15 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:11,919 Speaker 1: and these obstacles kind of mean that you can't be together. 16 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:16,600 Speaker 1: It is so painful, I think, to finally find someone 17 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: who you actually really liked, especially knowing how hard it 18 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 1: is in the current kind of dating environment, and you 19 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 1: know you really like them. Everything is going so well 20 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: or it has this beautiful potential, only for it to 21 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 1: not work out because of something beyond your control. We 22 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: are so used to relationships not working out because of 23 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,200 Speaker 1: something wrong with us or something wrong with the other 24 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 1: person the parties in the relationship, But when it's timing, 25 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:49,200 Speaker 1: when it's something completely unrelated to who we are in 26 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: that moment, it can feel particularly cruel. What's even more, 27 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 1: and I would say the even harder part of this 28 00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:00,720 Speaker 1: experience is that we are often left in this perpetual 29 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: state of what if it could have been different? And 30 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 1: more than that, what if one day things do change, 31 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,360 Speaker 1: What if all the obstacles are removed? What if the 32 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:15,080 Speaker 1: timing does work out for us? Even when we know 33 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:19,400 Speaker 1: that that's probably not likely or possible, you are kind 34 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:23,240 Speaker 1: of still left with this slither of hope and this expectation. 35 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,480 Speaker 1: You're still thinking about them, and it can kind of 36 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 1: keep us in the way of moving forward and moving on. 37 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 1: The interesting thing to me is that right person, wrong time. 38 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,360 Speaker 1: Is that actually the case in most scenarios, or is 39 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 1: this way of thinking actually a myth, actually something really 40 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,919 Speaker 1: comforting that we tell ourselves. I have a rather specific 41 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: opinion on this right person, wrong time. I don't think 42 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: it exists in the way that we think, because I 43 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,360 Speaker 1: think that if it is the right person timing can 44 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 1: ever be wrong. We make it work. 45 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 2: So sometimes these obstacles are a way of allowing you 46 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 2: to move forward without them. And it is true, of course, 47 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,839 Speaker 2: that certain people do find their way back to each other. 48 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 2: But I think that often these examples are the exception, 49 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,359 Speaker 2: not the rule, And when they do get back together, 50 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 2: they're not the same person anymore. Right, It's not that 51 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 2: they were the same person as when you initially thought 52 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 2: that they were the one. The only couples who can 53 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 2: really successfully do this are those who have really changed 54 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 2: from the person they used to be. Their circumstances are different, 55 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 2: maybe their values are different, and perhaps that means that 56 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 2: they weren't even the right person in the first place. 57 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 2: There's a different version of them, this change version of them, 58 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 2: that is the right person. But for most of us, 59 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 2: this kind of thinking actually does us more harm than good, 60 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 2: and it keeps us trapped by essentially our own misplaced hope. 61 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:58,480 Speaker 2: We have all this hope that someone will return and 62 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 2: things will be different, and that we can make it work. 63 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,000 Speaker 2: We can make it work no matter what, and sometimes 64 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 2: that's just not always the case. There are a lot 65 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:11,760 Speaker 2: of reasons we think that someone is perfect for us 66 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 2: when in fact, they aren't. And I do believe that 67 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 2: there is not just one person out there for us. 68 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 2: We have many soulmates, many loves, many connections. So how 69 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 2: do we release ourselves from pining after just that one, 70 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 2: just that one person. On top of that, I think, 71 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,280 Speaker 2: regardless of what comes in the future, we actually are 72 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,960 Speaker 2: better off finding a way to move forward, even if 73 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 2: we think that one day things could change. In fact, 74 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 2: I think in that moment when it's obvious that right 75 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,039 Speaker 2: now you can't be together, it's not your job to 76 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 2: start exploring all the hypotheticals in which it could be 77 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 2: the case. It's your job to concentrate on what else 78 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 2: is out there, knowing that if it happens, it happens, 79 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,479 Speaker 2: having that radical acceptance we'll talk about like but eventually, 80 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 2: I think on that path of just letting it be 81 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,480 Speaker 2: and moving forward regardless, you do get to a place 82 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:14,039 Speaker 2: of just again acceptance and knowing that things will always 83 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 2: happen in the strangest ways at the strangest times. And 84 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 2: maybe that will involve you getting back with this person, 85 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 2: but it might also involve you turning around and just 86 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 2: meeting someone completely different who you realize actually is the 87 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 2: one so there is a lot to be discussed in 88 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 2: today's episode, and of course the main thing I want 89 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:34,039 Speaker 2: to talk about is the psychology behind why we have 90 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 2: this connection to certain people, why we have this bond, 91 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 2: and what it is that creates this kind of poor 92 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,160 Speaker 2: timing in a relationship. There are also a lot of 93 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:48,159 Speaker 2: cognitive and mental biases that keep us connected to someone 94 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 2: even when we are ready to move on, and I 95 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 2: also want to talk about those how to move past 96 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 2: the urge to stick around and the urge to cling 97 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:02,479 Speaker 2: on to this potential. I also, of course want to 98 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 2: give some psychological therapeutic instructions on how to move past 99 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 2: this right person, wrong time situation and how to have 100 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 2: a real open mindset that doesn't restrict your openness to 101 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:21,600 Speaker 2: new relationships. And that's especially crucial during our twenties when 102 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,800 Speaker 2: there is just so much love out there. There are 103 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,520 Speaker 2: so many people out there that were yet to meet, 104 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,600 Speaker 2: so lots to talk about, lots contained in this episode. 105 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,720 Speaker 2: If you're someone who is currently struggling with having seemingly 106 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 2: met the right person at the wrong time and you 107 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,840 Speaker 2: don't know where to go from here, this episode is 108 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 2: definitely for you. So without further ado, Let's break down 109 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 2: the psychology, Let's break down the research, and let's break 110 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 2: down the advice I have for the right person at 111 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:57,599 Speaker 2: the wrong time. Right person, wrong time basically refers to 112 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,359 Speaker 2: a relationship that is seeningly perfect, but it's held back 113 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:07,840 Speaker 2: by circumstances, often outside of our individual control. The alternative 114 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 2: is obviously wrong person, right time, where you are super 115 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 2: ready and you're prepared to be in love, and you're 116 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 2: ready to date and be coupled up, and everything seems 117 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 2: to be going smoothly, but you know, you just don't 118 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 2: feel the spark so exhausting right. There's so much that 119 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 2: can go wrong and that can be off kilter when 120 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 2: it comes to love, But when it comes to wrong timing, 121 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,840 Speaker 2: there are a lot of situations that can create this 122 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 2: tension in the relationship, this tension between kind of will 123 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:41,240 Speaker 2: we won't we? The future is very uncertain because of 124 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 2: the environment and the context in which the relationship kind 125 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 2: of sits. The biggest reason people feel like it is 126 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:52,720 Speaker 2: the wrong time for their right person is distance. Long 127 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 2: distance or even medium distance, which in my mind I 128 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 2: kind of classifies like more than two hours is incredibly 129 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 2: My heart truly does go out to anyone who is 130 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 2: trying to make a relationship work through distance, Sometimes that 131 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,600 Speaker 2: distance is also reflective of different goals. Right there is 132 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:17,200 Speaker 2: the primary frustration of not being able to see that person, 133 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 2: not being able to hold them communicate, as well not 134 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 2: being able to create shared in person memories. That kind 135 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,960 Speaker 2: of creates a real divide. And then it's the fact 136 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,200 Speaker 2: that sometimes the distance again does indicate that something else 137 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 2: is not aligned. So I have a friend I'm gonna 138 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 2: call her Emily for the purposes of the show, and 139 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,960 Speaker 2: her partner is currently living in Singapore and she's in 140 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 2: rural Australia training to be a doctor. And the distance, 141 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 2: like it's not even that you know, Singapore and Australia 142 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 2: kind of far away. It's like rule Australia is pretty 143 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,400 Speaker 2: hard to get to. And both of them have these huge, 144 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 2: huge goals that are super important to them, and either 145 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,640 Speaker 2: of them really wanted to compromise, as they shouldn't have. 146 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 2: But she was talking to me about the intense strain 147 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:11,560 Speaker 2: on their ability to actively be together, and you do 148 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 2: kind of start wondering, is this what's best for my 149 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 2: life right now? Is this actually making me happy? Is 150 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,040 Speaker 2: this actually the person that I'm going to grow with 151 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 2: where I'm at in this moment. Actually, according to recent 152 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 2: research that was published in the Journal of Marital and 153 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 2: Family Psychology, Sorry, the biggest factor that people report as 154 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,760 Speaker 2: contributing to their breakup is that they simply grew apart 155 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 2: and realized that their lives were going in different directions. 156 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 2: And sometimes that is reflected in distance. Knowing that both 157 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 2: of you want different things so intensely and you also 158 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:56,040 Speaker 2: want to stay together, but eventually something does have to give, 159 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 2: you know, life, fate, fortune, whatever you want to call it. 160 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,680 Speaker 2: It's also pretty unfair at times. It doesn't care about 161 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 2: your relationship status, it doesn't care about who you're with, 162 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,760 Speaker 2: how great it's going before. It kind of throws you 163 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:15,320 Speaker 2: a curveball. Sometimes our circumstances also complicate things, and it 164 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:20,080 Speaker 2: doesn't just have to do with distance. Some situations aside 165 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,079 Speaker 2: from distance are you know, when someone is going through 166 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 2: a really difficult time and their space for a relationship 167 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 2: just naturally becomes a lot smaller. This could be due 168 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:35,560 Speaker 2: to work, poor mental health, poor physical health, chronic health, 169 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 2: family problems, other commitments. These things begin to consume our lives, 170 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 2: meaning that it no longer feels like we can give 171 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:48,080 Speaker 2: ourselves to another person not because we love them any less, 172 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 2: but because our life is too emotionally full of other 173 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:53,960 Speaker 2: stresses to love them. 174 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:54,280 Speaker 1: Right. 175 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,360 Speaker 2: This can also be said for significant life changes, right, 176 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 2: and even positive life changes like when you graduate from 177 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,440 Speaker 2: university or you get a new or your first full 178 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:08,240 Speaker 2: time job. There's a really famous study that looked at 179 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 2: the biggest life stresses that we tend to encounter across 180 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 2: our lives. This study, it's kind of like an inventory. 181 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,720 Speaker 2: It's a scale. It's called the Homes and Rath Stress Inventory, 182 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,839 Speaker 2: and at the top of the scale is really really 183 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 2: significant things. So the death of a partner, the death 184 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 2: of a spouse, divorce, going to prison, those things are 185 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 2: naturally going to cause stress and put a strain on 186 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 2: every other part of your life. But then there are 187 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:39,560 Speaker 2: also positive experiences like getting a new job, getting back 188 00:11:39,559 --> 00:11:43,280 Speaker 2: together with someone, getting into a new relationship that can 189 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 2: also create stress for us and you know, actually end 190 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 2: up fracturing the relationship. So even if everything seems perfect, 191 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:57,119 Speaker 2: if everything is also changing rapidly, even if it's in 192 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:02,319 Speaker 2: a positive direction, that can also bring about that poor timing. 193 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 2: Even if it is someone who is seemingly incredible. Finally, 194 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 2: and honestly, another hugely common one. Sometimes people are just 195 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,920 Speaker 2: simply not ready for a relationship because of where they're 196 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 2: at in their emotional lives. And this is specifically the 197 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 2: case with commitment, and oh my goodness to those situations 198 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 2: not sting. When I was twenty one, I was dating 199 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 2: this guy for like six months, and everything in my 200 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 2: mind at least was perfect, we meshed, so well, we 201 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,319 Speaker 2: got along. I felt like I was really connected to 202 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,800 Speaker 2: him on this like level. But the thing that came 203 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 2: up time and time again across all these months was 204 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 2: that he just simply was very clear that he didn't 205 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,400 Speaker 2: want a relationship. It was around this time that, you know, 206 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 2: I first learned about a concept called commitment readiness. And 207 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,920 Speaker 2: commitment readiness is this term that came from a research 208 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 2: group in Singapore way back when. Essentially, what they say 209 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 2: is that we are different. Every individual is, you know, 210 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 2: more or less emotionally prepared to enter into a relationship. 211 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:19,760 Speaker 2: So your preparedness, your willingness to enter into a committed 212 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,280 Speaker 2: situation will vary based on who you are and where 213 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 2: you're at in your life, but also your history and 214 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:30,439 Speaker 2: your personality and each of us really sits on that scale. 215 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:34,200 Speaker 2: Some of us are very commitment ready at times. You know, 216 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:39,199 Speaker 2: we crave a relationship, we are always ready for a relationship, 217 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 2: or we've been actively maintaining a relationship for a long time. 218 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:48,680 Speaker 2: But some of us experience low commitment readiness, which means 219 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,720 Speaker 2: that we almost have this innate aversion to committing to 220 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,920 Speaker 2: someone and to settling down because of a number of factors. 221 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 2: We're scared to be hurt, we want to play the field. 222 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,200 Speaker 2: Relationship seems like too much effort, that's a big one, 223 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 2: or we've had previous relationship trauma that's left us maybe 224 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:13,360 Speaker 2: incredibly hyper independent. Regardless of it, when someone is low 225 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,320 Speaker 2: on commitment readiness, you cannot force them to be more 226 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,120 Speaker 2: ready for that commitment. It's something that they kind of 227 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,520 Speaker 2: have to, you know, not even decide themselves, but rather 228 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,800 Speaker 2: they need to be in that place. They need to 229 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,440 Speaker 2: get themselves to the place of being like, yeah, I 230 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 2: really want a relationship. There's nothing you can do to 231 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 2: force them. That is something that we learn the hard way. 232 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 2: I definitely did, and so you know, it is almost 233 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,640 Speaker 2: like timing is a factor there, but you just don't 234 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,320 Speaker 2: want to be waiting around for when they're going to 235 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 2: Mondane magically change their mind. Right, you can kind of 236 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 2: almost imagine in those circumstances like, Okay, well, if I'm 237 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,560 Speaker 2: just if I just stick around for like two years, 238 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,560 Speaker 2: one day he's gonna or she's gonna like wake up 239 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,080 Speaker 2: out of this trance and he's they're going to want 240 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 2: to commit to me fully. And that is the kind 241 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 2: of faulty thinking that we get stuck into. And it's 242 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 2: a big if, it's a big if, you know, if 243 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:19,040 Speaker 2: they change their mind, then I'll be ready. But then again, like, 244 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 2: is it really your job to just like sit in 245 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 2: the waiting area until someone comes out and chooses you. 246 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 2: You know, they get to go off and live their 247 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,880 Speaker 2: life behind that door, they get to do whatever they want, 248 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,480 Speaker 2: and you just get stuck in the same spot. I 249 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,560 Speaker 2: think we invest a lot of time, our precious time, 250 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,960 Speaker 2: waiting for someone to transform and change their mind for us, 251 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 2: only to realize, you know, that they won't, and we 252 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 2: could have spent that time really enjoying our other options, 253 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 2: but also just our own lives, our own healing journey, 254 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 2: our own experiences. On top of that, one more thing 255 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:04,560 Speaker 2: to know, often the things that these emotionally or commitment unready, 256 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,520 Speaker 2: emotionally unavailable, commitment unready people. It's the best way I 257 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,880 Speaker 2: can put it. Sometimes and most of the time, the 258 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:14,640 Speaker 2: things that they really need to work through in order 259 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:19,360 Speaker 2: to become ready for commitment or emotionally available are things 260 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 2: that have best worked on single and alone. I believe 261 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 2: that to my care that for a relationship to work 262 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 2: out the best it possibly can, each person does have 263 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 2: to come to the table with an awareness of their 264 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 2: baggage and not just a commitment to you, but a 265 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:44,240 Speaker 2: commitment to unpacking what they can themselves. And the unfortunate 266 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,840 Speaker 2: truth for you if you're pining after this person is 267 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 2: that sometimes that takes time, and it does take distance. 268 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,480 Speaker 2: When it becomes clear that a relationship isn't going to work, 269 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,160 Speaker 2: there is only so much that you can fight against it, 270 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 2: no matter how how compatible you think this other person is. 271 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 2: Especially in our twenties, I'm going to say this again, 272 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:10,120 Speaker 2: wouldn't the better decision be to let them go, let 273 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,879 Speaker 2: them be, and just trust that if it's meant for you, 274 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,399 Speaker 2: they will come back to you as a different person, 275 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,479 Speaker 2: and in that form they will be the right person. 276 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,439 Speaker 2: But if they don't, you'll be fine anyways, and we 277 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 2: really want to work on prioritizing that I'll be fine anyways. Hypothetical. 278 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 2: That is a much more healthy, fruitful, productive outcome turning 279 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:40,440 Speaker 2: the attention back to yourself, and it involves pouring all 280 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,199 Speaker 2: that hope and all that expectation that you had for 281 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,880 Speaker 2: someone else into yourself. When was the last time that 282 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,359 Speaker 2: you saw as much potential in yourself as you do 283 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 2: in others. We think so hugely and generously of other people, 284 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:59,199 Speaker 2: and we see an incredible capacity for them to change, 285 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,960 Speaker 2: and everything about them is golden and wonderful, but then 286 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,639 Speaker 2: when we look at ourselves, it's not the same. I 287 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,399 Speaker 2: think detaching from the right person who came at the 288 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,520 Speaker 2: wrong time means suddenly having all that energy in that 289 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 2: space just for you. Listen. I will say. There are 290 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:21,040 Speaker 2: examples of people reuniting after years apart, like they're in 291 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,159 Speaker 2: their own fairy tale rom con and they get the 292 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,919 Speaker 2: happy ending that they always deserved. I actually saw a 293 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,159 Speaker 2: really beautiful example of this in the news recently of 294 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 2: two people in their sixties who were trying to remember 295 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,480 Speaker 2: it now. I think they were high school sweethearts. They 296 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,520 Speaker 2: broke up at twenty one. They then went on to 297 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,719 Speaker 2: get married to other people, and they had children, and 298 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 2: then in their sixties their spouses died and somehow they 299 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:52,800 Speaker 2: reunited and they got married at like sixty seven or something, 300 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:58,680 Speaker 2: after more than forty years separated. And we do tend 301 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:02,720 Speaker 2: to look at those examples and invertently be like, hey, 302 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,199 Speaker 2: well that could be me. I see myself in that situation. 303 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 2: This really proves right person, wrong time is a thing, 304 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 2: and I'm not trying to deny that. But the reason 305 00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:17,560 Speaker 2: this often works out in the future is actually because 306 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 2: these people are committed to the idea at the time 307 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 2: that they weren't meant to be with each other. It 308 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,159 Speaker 2: wouldn't have worked out if one of them spent the 309 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,960 Speaker 2: next forty years or the past forty years pining and 310 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 2: wishing and waiting, because by the time the other person 311 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,800 Speaker 2: was ready, like They've done all this growth or this 312 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:40,040 Speaker 2: exploration and you're still stuck forty years before. The thing 313 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 2: that really makes it work is that these people went 314 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,360 Speaker 2: on to be committed to living a full life. They 315 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:50,040 Speaker 2: had children, they had other partners. That's what made the 316 00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 2: reunion possible. Otherwise, again, one of them would have been 317 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,120 Speaker 2: stuck in the nineteen fifties and the other one would 318 00:19:56,160 --> 00:20:00,160 Speaker 2: have been present. There are unique conditions that really bring 319 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:04,399 Speaker 2: people like that back together, including a personal commitment to 320 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,920 Speaker 2: individual growth that had nothing to do with impressing or 321 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,679 Speaker 2: trying to win back the other person. There's also a 322 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:15,399 Speaker 2: mutual desire for reconciliation and for forgiveness, and yes, of course, 323 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 2: an element of timing. However, my problem with right person, 324 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 2: wrong time thinking it really occurs when we let this 325 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:29,280 Speaker 2: belief disrupt us from moving on, because we are under 326 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:33,440 Speaker 2: the false pretense or clinging onto this idea that yes, 327 00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 2: this person must be my soulmate, no one else will compare, 328 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:41,359 Speaker 2: and so I cannot let go. Sometimes we use this 329 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:45,960 Speaker 2: thinking as justification to keep us in a state of limerence, 330 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:50,520 Speaker 2: not out of true love, but because we crave the 331 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 2: structure of the relationship and the security of what is 332 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 2: known as human psychology will tell us that we crave 333 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,560 Speaker 2: what is familiar, and that is a really powerful driver 334 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,720 Speaker 2: for our emotional attachment to others. It's a phenomena actually 335 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,760 Speaker 2: called the mere exposure effect. It goes by different names, 336 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,879 Speaker 2: but the mis exposure effect is probably the primary one, 337 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,679 Speaker 2: and basically, in this series of very pioneering studies at 338 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 2: the time back in the eighties and the nineties, This 339 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:21,920 Speaker 2: researcher in his team essentially showed that we feel most 340 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:27,000 Speaker 2: bonded to the people who we are around a lot. Naturally, naturally, 341 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,600 Speaker 2: we like the people that were around a lot more. 342 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:34,280 Speaker 2: But that can also lead us to misinterpret love and 343 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:40,400 Speaker 2: liking and soulmate status simply with just plain old familiarity. 344 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 2: That's one reason why we feel unable to disconnect from 345 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,960 Speaker 2: someone who felt right, who we spend a lot of 346 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 2: time with, who's brought us comfort. I also want to 347 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,720 Speaker 2: discuss a few more reasons why we get caught up 348 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 2: in right person, wrong time thinking even when it's not helpful, 349 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:03,480 Speaker 2: it's incorrect and you would be better off believing something else. 350 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:05,879 Speaker 2: And I also want to dive into how to find 351 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:09,760 Speaker 2: that space to grieve and to move on from a 352 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 2: situation such as this one, to reach a point of 353 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 2: acceptance and reach a point of healing and being ready 354 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,240 Speaker 2: for the next chapter. Hold so all of that and 355 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:27,159 Speaker 2: more after this short break. So why is it that 356 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:31,639 Speaker 2: we experience this right person, wrong time feeling besides the 357 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,639 Speaker 2: fact that this person is our soulmate, Because we are 358 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,080 Speaker 2: definitely going to table that explanation for a second, I 359 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,560 Speaker 2: think that is the less likely scenario here, and more 360 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,200 Speaker 2: often than not, the reason we do feel this way, 361 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,520 Speaker 2: especially at the end of a relationship, comes down to 362 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:51,080 Speaker 2: some more basic psychology. Firstly, when a relationship does break 363 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,520 Speaker 2: down because of some external reason, it is easy to 364 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:59,360 Speaker 2: attribute everything to this outside reason. If you still love 365 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,880 Speaker 2: this person, and I'm sure that you do, you don't 366 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,000 Speaker 2: want to see them as bad or unkind or cruel. 367 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:09,200 Speaker 2: You don't want to interrogate their decision making. You want 368 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,440 Speaker 2: to maintain a sense of integrity for them, and this 369 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,600 Speaker 2: is known as the halo effect. Because we love them, 370 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,359 Speaker 2: we think that they can do no wrong in other 371 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 2: areas of your life, So we might actually have a 372 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:28,159 Speaker 2: faulty internal image of their character that is sustaining a 373 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:33,560 Speaker 2: right person wrong time mentality. Maybe it is the case 374 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:36,800 Speaker 2: that they really deserve that positive assessment and they are 375 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:40,040 Speaker 2: like a really, really good person, but that does not 376 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,720 Speaker 2: change the truth that there is still something neither of 377 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 2: you were willing to fix or compromise, which deep down 378 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:51,480 Speaker 2: indicates that you do want different things right now, at 379 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 2: least right now. It was eventually going to come to 380 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:58,239 Speaker 2: the surface as these things always do. It's just that 381 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,840 Speaker 2: you're confronting it, and you probably would have rather confronted 382 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,800 Speaker 2: it well never, but second to never, maybe a little 383 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,879 Speaker 2: bit later down the line. Wanting different things is we 384 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,280 Speaker 2: know is a really common reason, if not the most 385 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:14,640 Speaker 2: common reason that relationships break down, even if we don't 386 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:19,000 Speaker 2: explicitly recognize that in the moment, and trying to make 387 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:24,160 Speaker 2: it work through challenge after challenge after challenge may indicate 388 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:28,359 Speaker 2: that something more fundamental isn't well matched, even if on 389 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 2: the surface everything looks great and you don't need to 390 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,440 Speaker 2: villainize them for that, but just consider the whole context. 391 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 2: I promise you that in a year you will realize 392 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 2: that what felt like the hardest thing you've ever been 393 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:45,560 Speaker 2: through was actually your destiny all along. This really links 394 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,439 Speaker 2: to our second reason that you know. I think we 395 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 2: end up seeing someone as the right person, and it's 396 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,919 Speaker 2: because at this stage you cannot imagine ever feeling as 397 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,760 Speaker 2: in love with someone else or as connected with someone 398 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:02,480 Speaker 2: else as you feel right now, because because because we 399 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:08,200 Speaker 2: tend to prioritize our current experiences over potential future experiences, 400 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 2: meaning that your favorite outfit right now feels like it's 401 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,480 Speaker 2: going to be your favorite outfit forever and your best 402 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 2: friend right now feels like the best friend you'll ever have. 403 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,200 Speaker 2: When you're eating an amazing meal, you're not immediately thinking 404 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 2: about an even better meal that you'll have later on. 405 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,880 Speaker 2: That is what's happening in this situation. Because you are 406 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,520 Speaker 2: experiencing love right now, it's hard to picture a future 407 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:34,160 Speaker 2: love that could be better. This is the result of 408 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:40,520 Speaker 2: a series of cognitive biases called availability heuristics, which basically 409 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:44,879 Speaker 2: say that we rely more heavily on information that is 410 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:49,359 Speaker 2: immediately available to us. Specifically, the kind of bias that 411 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:53,040 Speaker 2: we're talking about here is the salience bias. I know 412 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 2: a lot of terms to remember, but salience bias is 413 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 2: the most important to understand. What this bias tells us 414 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,119 Speaker 2: is that we have a tendency, you and I to 415 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:07,800 Speaker 2: focus on information that is present, prominent, and emotionally striking, 416 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,159 Speaker 2: and we ignore other information that feels less significant. In 417 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 2: the case of right person, wrong time, the most emotionally 418 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,320 Speaker 2: significant information available to you right now is that you 419 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:24,159 Speaker 2: feel deeply about this person. You probably still love them, 420 00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:27,520 Speaker 2: so even though your friends may be saying no, like 421 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:31,040 Speaker 2: you're going to find someone better. There's like so many cool, 422 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,120 Speaker 2: great people out there. They just totally weren't the one. 423 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,639 Speaker 2: It's very difficult to believe them because you have to 424 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,200 Speaker 2: override this very strong cognitive bias that is telling you otherwise. 425 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,159 Speaker 2: I think real connection is also so rare that when 426 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,920 Speaker 2: we have it, it's very hard to let go of it, 427 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:50,919 Speaker 2: given how hard it was to find it in the 428 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,520 Speaker 2: first place, especially if you are someone who was not 429 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,879 Speaker 2: used to falling so fast or so deeply. You're just 430 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,320 Speaker 2: simply not going to have that feeling with everyone. But 431 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,600 Speaker 2: that doesn't mean that you will only have it with 432 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:07,919 Speaker 2: one person. When we have something special as well, we 433 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,880 Speaker 2: do try and protect it and we feel very precious 434 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,719 Speaker 2: about it, which is what can also contribute to this 435 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,439 Speaker 2: thought pattern that, yeah, maybe I am meant to end 436 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,879 Speaker 2: up with this person, maybe this is the love of 437 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,200 Speaker 2: my life, when actually the case is probably a little 438 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 2: bit more nuanced and complicated. Finally, another reason that we 439 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:31,480 Speaker 2: find ourselves adopting a right person, wrong time mentality, other 440 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 2: than that it's really just trying to protect us, we 441 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:39,560 Speaker 2: may have also put on those age old rose colored glasses, 442 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:44,439 Speaker 2: and so when it comes to examining the relationship, we 443 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:49,359 Speaker 2: often selectively and accidentally forget about really crucial information that 444 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:52,800 Speaker 2: was my case in that situation. I was just telling 445 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:56,000 Speaker 2: you about here, I was thinking that we were destined 446 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,840 Speaker 2: to be, that he was the love of my life, 447 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,120 Speaker 2: because thinking that way let me stay attached to him 448 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 2: longer when the alternative of detaching from him would be 449 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:12,840 Speaker 2: incredibly painful. This right person mentality was allowing me to 450 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:17,240 Speaker 2: sustain the easiest reality for myself. And the easiest reality 451 00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 2: was one in which it didn't contain heartbreak, that's for sure, 452 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,160 Speaker 2: but also it was full of possibility, and who doesn't 453 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:28,040 Speaker 2: love possibility? Then, you know, a few months later, when 454 00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:31,679 Speaker 2: I had endured the worst of the heartbreak and the breakup, 455 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:36,640 Speaker 2: it was almost like this curtain lifted, and all these 456 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 2: things that I had ignored and forgotten about just came 457 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 2: like flashing back, you know. The inattention, the disrespect, the 458 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,920 Speaker 2: genuine like lack of compatibility, and his lack of ambition, 459 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 2: all things that now and well then I knew were 460 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,240 Speaker 2: going to would have ruined the relationship in the long run. 461 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,200 Speaker 2: But I was just ignoring them because I thought I 462 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 2: had a good thing. Really kind of had to ask 463 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 2: myself in that moment, thinking back on it would my 464 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:08,560 Speaker 2: soulmate treat me like this, is it really to do 465 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 2: it timing? Or is it actually just the fact that 466 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,800 Speaker 2: he's not a very nice guy. What I had to 467 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:17,080 Speaker 2: accept after that was that I had spent a long 468 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:22,760 Speaker 2: time pursuing relationships with people, including him, that I thought 469 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:27,440 Speaker 2: were the one, and I spent a long time sticking 470 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,440 Speaker 2: around long enough that you know, eventually the timing would 471 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,280 Speaker 2: be perfect, thinking that that was going to work, and 472 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,880 Speaker 2: it always had just ended up hurting me. And that 473 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 2: was a kind of a big realization where it was like, 474 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:45,240 Speaker 2: am I just using this notion of time and the 475 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:49,240 Speaker 2: timing needing to be right to just kind of wilfully 476 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:53,400 Speaker 2: remain ignorant about everything else that's wrong on these relationships? 477 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,560 Speaker 2: And I really want to say, I'm not saying this 478 00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 2: to dishearten you, but more so to you really encourage 479 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:05,280 Speaker 2: you to search for other evidence. Are they really the one? 480 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,600 Speaker 2: Or could you maybe feel this way about about anyone? 481 00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:12,520 Speaker 2: Is there even a slim, maybe even massive possibility that 482 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 2: you could feel this way about someone else, and maybe 483 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,959 Speaker 2: even better than what you feel right now? You just 484 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,719 Speaker 2: have to follow the ultimate conclusion that what you've had 485 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,560 Speaker 2: at the time may have been precious may have been beautiful, 486 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,200 Speaker 2: but there was a reason the relationship has ended. Even 487 00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 2: if it feels like something you could one day change 488 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,240 Speaker 2: right now, you can't. Right now. It is not your 489 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 2: business to change your circumstances for them. Either you end 490 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 2: up together or you don't. And this is really just 491 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:48,280 Speaker 2: a form of a radical acceptance. Radical acceptance, if you 492 00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:51,240 Speaker 2: don't know what that is, is a therapeutic approach or 493 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,760 Speaker 2: a therapeutic method. I guess that involves accepting that some 494 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:59,000 Speaker 2: situations are simply out of your control without judging them, 495 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:02,560 Speaker 2: trying to change them, or letting your pain towards the 496 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:07,920 Speaker 2: situation turn into like prolonged suffering and gloom and melancholy 497 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,400 Speaker 2: about you know how, there are just things that are 498 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:12,760 Speaker 2: outside of our control. You just accept that. You go, Okay, 499 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 2: I'm just like I'm just like someone floating in the 500 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,560 Speaker 2: surf right now. I'm floating in the waves and letting 501 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,120 Speaker 2: it move me to where I need to be. That 502 00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 2: is what we're embracing here, that sometimes life and your 503 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:29,160 Speaker 2: circumstances are really unfair, and you know they could change 504 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,560 Speaker 2: one day, but right now your best option is to 505 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:35,320 Speaker 2: move on as if this person is not the one 506 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:40,480 Speaker 2: Why because in that period of separation, that is when 507 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:45,760 Speaker 2: you can delineate between them just being present, available around 508 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:51,800 Speaker 2: and them actually being the love of your life. So 509 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:55,080 Speaker 2: now that we have that clear, what are some strategies 510 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,560 Speaker 2: to move on from what is a very complicated, and 511 00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:02,600 Speaker 2: let me just say, heartbreaking, painful situation. I do have 512 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,400 Speaker 2: a full episode on this that I cannot recommend enough. 513 00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:09,240 Speaker 2: It's one of my favorite episodes, episode one hundred and 514 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,040 Speaker 2: forty one. It's titled how to Get Over someone you 515 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 2: Can't Stop thinking about. I feel like a lot of 516 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:17,680 Speaker 2: people listening to this should also be listening to that episode. 517 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,800 Speaker 2: There are a lot of overlaps in a way, but 518 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 2: actually it's quite different. It's more about like the obsessive 519 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,920 Speaker 2: spiral and that getting to that point where you were 520 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,560 Speaker 2: like almost desperate to stop thinking about them. So go 521 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:33,240 Speaker 2: and listen to that. There's actually a whole playlist of 522 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:37,840 Speaker 2: my breakup, heartbreak, Lost Love episodes which I will link 523 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,280 Speaker 2: in the episode description. But in the aftermath of a 524 00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:45,560 Speaker 2: right person, wrong time situation, what we are really aiming 525 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:53,160 Speaker 2: for above all else is separation. We want emotional, social, physical, 526 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:57,640 Speaker 2: mental separation as much as you can as much as 527 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:02,560 Speaker 2: your circumstances permit that is the space that is required. 528 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:07,160 Speaker 2: There is a tendency and definitely a strong emotional impulse 529 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,880 Speaker 2: to continue to reach out to this person, to want 530 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,200 Speaker 2: to maintain a friendship with this person, even because you know, well, 531 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 2: if we can't be together, we could be friends. I 532 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:20,959 Speaker 2: am going to really advise you strongly against doing that 533 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:25,760 Speaker 2: because they still stay as an option in your mind, 534 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,280 Speaker 2: and it means that any new person that comes along, 535 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,600 Speaker 2: you're still going to be comparing them to this other 536 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 2: person because they're still present. Instead, really try and create distance. 537 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 2: It's a challenge. It's a challenge not just because obviously 538 00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:45,120 Speaker 2: circumstances probably mean that you're friends or you share friends. 539 00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:47,760 Speaker 2: It's a challenge because if this is someone that you 540 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:51,160 Speaker 2: deeply care about and you see as almost your assault mate, 541 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:56,680 Speaker 2: letting that connection go can be brutal, but it is necessary. 542 00:33:56,720 --> 00:34:00,560 Speaker 2: It is a necessary pain. And in their absence, I 543 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 2: want you to really pick two to three things to 544 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:07,160 Speaker 2: focus on in your life that have nothing to do 545 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,240 Speaker 2: with anybody else. They are just for you. It's almost 546 00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:15,120 Speaker 2: like you need to start not necessarily scrubbing your life 547 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:18,400 Speaker 2: of this person, but creating a life in which they 548 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:22,520 Speaker 2: are not at this center you are, so pick a hobby, 549 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:27,080 Speaker 2: pick a sport, pick even like some friends. Pick something 550 00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,600 Speaker 2: in your life that you really really want to do 551 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:32,839 Speaker 2: and make that your focus. Make that where you put 552 00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:35,719 Speaker 2: all your energy and your healing. And I think through 553 00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 2: that process we also come to new realizations about ourselves 554 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,080 Speaker 2: and we begin to realize like, hey, I actually wouldn't 555 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:43,719 Speaker 2: have been able to do these things if I was 556 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,719 Speaker 2: still with this person. I wouldn't have been able to 557 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,480 Speaker 2: do these like little weekend retreats with my besties. I 558 00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 2: wouldn't have been able to solo travel. I wouldn't have 559 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,400 Speaker 2: been able to do all these fun things on my 560 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:58,120 Speaker 2: weekend nights or my weekday nights if I was with 561 00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:03,160 Speaker 2: this person. And most of the time you're like, slowly 562 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:06,560 Speaker 2: you start to be like, oh so actually life is better. 563 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:09,359 Speaker 2: Life is better like this. It can be a hard 564 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,160 Speaker 2: thing to realize when you think that they were the 565 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:15,160 Speaker 2: one and then suddenly you do one eight and it's like, oh, no, 566 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 2: you probably weren't. I also think part of this as well, 567 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,120 Speaker 2: to add on to it, is that you start making 568 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:25,279 Speaker 2: memories and experiences that they're not a part of, and 569 00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 2: that's a really important part of the healing and the 570 00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:33,160 Speaker 2: closure process is realizing that you can create, enjoy, live 571 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:37,920 Speaker 2: a meaningful life in which they don't have anything to 572 00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:41,920 Speaker 2: do with it anything at all. Additionally, I really want 573 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:47,000 Speaker 2: you to continually focus on all the reasons that they 574 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:50,680 Speaker 2: weren't right for you, rather than all the reasons that 575 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,440 Speaker 2: they are. The reasons that they are right for you 576 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:56,320 Speaker 2: often bubble to the surface because they're nice and they're positive, 577 00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:59,360 Speaker 2: and they're fluffy, and sometimes they're like kind of painful 578 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,759 Speaker 2: to play with. We're going to ignore those and we're 579 00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,200 Speaker 2: going to focus all of our attention on what it 580 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:12,319 Speaker 2: was about your current situation, circumstances, individual persons that meant 581 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,640 Speaker 2: that you couldn't be together, and really that is the 582 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:16,640 Speaker 2: focus of your thoughts. 583 00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:16,879 Speaker 1: Here. 584 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:19,040 Speaker 2: The way that I like to do this is thinking 585 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,920 Speaker 2: of attention as and this is a common analogy as 586 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,160 Speaker 2: a giant spotlight that we have control of, where sitting 587 00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:28,840 Speaker 2: at the back, turning it, directing it, focusing on different 588 00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:31,560 Speaker 2: parts of the room, different members of the audience, whatever 589 00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:35,080 Speaker 2: it is, different thoughts. So when we get into an 590 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:39,840 Speaker 2: obsessive spiral, we only selectively focus or turn the spotlight 591 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,640 Speaker 2: to their positive attributes. Why they were so perfect, why 592 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:47,560 Speaker 2: they were amazing. And you aren't seeing the situation clearly 593 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:50,600 Speaker 2: first of all, but you also aren't seeing the situation 594 00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:54,560 Speaker 2: in a way that is helpful for your current circumstances. 595 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:59,200 Speaker 2: So instead, I want you to continually come back to 596 00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:03,680 Speaker 2: why this couldn't be, why this didn't work, why it 597 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:09,080 Speaker 2: was not an entirely perfect situation, why this needed to happen. 598 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:12,880 Speaker 2: As a way to provide closure, rather than letting you 599 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:16,799 Speaker 2: ruminate on all the things that maintain a connection and 600 00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:21,080 Speaker 2: maintain a love interest in this person, Another really important 601 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:24,799 Speaker 2: way to find closure is to collect everything they gave you, 602 00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:29,000 Speaker 2: everything that you shared together, jewelry, photos, love notes, clothes, 603 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:31,560 Speaker 2: anything at all, and put it into a box and 604 00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:35,280 Speaker 2: put it away. It's kind of symbolic of like packing 605 00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:38,359 Speaker 2: up all the connections in your mind as well and 606 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:42,080 Speaker 2: putting it into long term storage. You know it's still there. 607 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:44,320 Speaker 2: The items in the box are still there, the memories 608 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,200 Speaker 2: are still there. There's still a part of you, but 609 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:50,200 Speaker 2: it's not something that you visit and you look back 610 00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:54,080 Speaker 2: over every night. You've done yourself a huge favor by 611 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:59,200 Speaker 2: removing not only reminders, but also memory cues in your environment. 612 00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:04,000 Speaker 2: That keep them, keep them in your current thought rotation, 613 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,600 Speaker 2: and that might encourage you to reach back out when 614 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:12,960 Speaker 2: we know, given our current circumstances, that is probably not 615 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:16,439 Speaker 2: the best idea. Again, I want to just state before 616 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:20,719 Speaker 2: we wrap this episode up with distance comes clarity, but 617 00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:25,320 Speaker 2: also comes the ability to solely focus on your life, 618 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:29,040 Speaker 2: your baggage, your future, and to make it dreamy and 619 00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:33,520 Speaker 2: beautiful and worthy, regardless of what fate has in store 620 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:36,279 Speaker 2: for you when it comes to this other person. Even 621 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,320 Speaker 2: if you believe right now that this is a destined connection, 622 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:44,279 Speaker 2: even if everything was perfect other than timing, timing is 623 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,760 Speaker 2: still a factor and it is still actually at times 624 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:51,080 Speaker 2: an indicator of why things were never going to work 625 00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,759 Speaker 2: out on a deeper level. So you kind of have 626 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:59,440 Speaker 2: to accept this reality, accept that right now, this is 627 00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:03,080 Speaker 2: a situation that you're in. But again, there is a 628 00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:05,600 Speaker 2: lot of love out there, a lot of romance, a 629 00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:09,040 Speaker 2: lot of beautiful people. It's exciting that you don't have 630 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:12,239 Speaker 2: the opportunity to meet them. It's exciting that you have 631 00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:17,200 Speaker 2: all these opportunities for new, fresh, beautiful connection. It's exciting 632 00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:19,280 Speaker 2: that you get to go on a first date again, 633 00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:22,160 Speaker 2: and it's exciting that you get to make even better 634 00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:26,280 Speaker 2: memories with someone new and someone who you know timing 635 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:28,080 Speaker 2: is never going to be a problem because they love 636 00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,960 Speaker 2: you and they care about you. So I really hope 637 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:33,520 Speaker 2: that if you're going through this right now, you've met 638 00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:36,759 Speaker 2: an amazing person and nothing is working out, nothing is 639 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,160 Speaker 2: stacking up the way that you want to do, that 640 00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:41,440 Speaker 2: you have some hope for the future, and that you 641 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,319 Speaker 2: see not only why this is the case, but why 642 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:47,520 Speaker 2: it's very common, how to move through it, and why 643 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:51,160 Speaker 2: when we're in that situation sometimes we can exaggerate the 644 00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:53,960 Speaker 2: connection that we have with someone. I'm sending a lot 645 00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:56,799 Speaker 2: of strength and a lot of love to you as 646 00:39:56,840 --> 00:40:00,759 Speaker 2: someone who has been through this and who was so 647 00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:05,000 Speaker 2: devastated by the loss of this connection and has come 648 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:07,279 Speaker 2: out the other side and met someone brilliant and met 649 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:11,080 Speaker 2: someone who I love and who I never would have 650 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:14,280 Speaker 2: had the opportunity to be with if I'd let myself 651 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:17,600 Speaker 2: continue to be a maybe. So I want that for 652 00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:20,880 Speaker 2: you as well as always, If you enjoyed this episode, 653 00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:24,080 Speaker 2: make sure that you are following along on Spotify or 654 00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:27,480 Speaker 2: Apple podcasts. Please leave a review of five star review 655 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:30,600 Speaker 2: if you feel cold to do so. It's really special 656 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,000 Speaker 2: it makes my day. I actually do read them more. 657 00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:35,200 Speaker 2: And I know a lot of creatives say that, but no, 658 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:38,080 Speaker 2: I do, even the mean ones. So don't be that guy, 659 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:40,799 Speaker 2: don't be that girl, don't be that person. Make sure 660 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,200 Speaker 2: that if you have an episode suggestion, we are always 661 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:45,879 Speaker 2: welcoming them. We always want to hear from you over 662 00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:49,400 Speaker 2: on that psychology podcast on Instagram. Just shoot me a 663 00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:52,799 Speaker 2: DM with your suggestion and hopefully I'll get to read 664 00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:56,200 Speaker 2: it and get to be inspired by you. But as always, 665 00:40:56,320 --> 00:41:01,680 Speaker 2: until next time, stay safe, stay kind, be gentle with yourself, 666 00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:04,520 Speaker 2: and we will talk very very soon.