1 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vandercamp. I'm a mother of five, 2 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah Hartunger. 3 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,400 Speaker 1: I'm a mother of three, a practicing physician and blogger. 4 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,760 Speaker 1: On the side, we are two working parents who love 5 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,279 Speaker 1: our careers and our families. Welcome to best of both worlds. 6 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,360 Speaker 1: Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, 7 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping 8 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 1: out long term career goals. We want you to get 9 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 1: the most out of life. Welcome to best of both worlds. 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: This is Laura. This is episode one hundred and ninety six, 11 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,080 Speaker 1: airing in early May twenty twenty one. This is going 12 00:00:42,159 --> 00:00:45,599 Speaker 1: to be an all mail bag episode, taking listener questions, 13 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:49,920 Speaker 1: some people sent in via Instagram, some through email, even 14 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: an audio question. Now that Sarah has her really cool setup, 15 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 1: maybe you can just quickly remind listeners how they can 16 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 1: send those Yes. I embarked upon for my other podcast initially, 17 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,480 Speaker 1: but then realized, of course it can serve both purposes. 18 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,360 Speaker 1: So we're calling the recording right now. I guess no, 19 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: we will. We're gonna slice it in. You guys are 20 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:13,920 Speaker 1: gonna get to hear it of course, so we'll be 21 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,240 Speaker 1: airing the actual audio question, and if you'd like to 22 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,959 Speaker 1: submit an audio question, just click on the speak icon. 23 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,319 Speaker 1: I'll see if I can send it to Laura for 24 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,559 Speaker 1: her to embed into her show notes. But I will 25 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: just to hedge our bets. I will remember on Tuesday 26 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: to also include it on my blog. So as this airs, 27 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,839 Speaker 1: you can go to my blog post on the shoebox 28 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 1: dot com and they'll be a reminder of how to 29 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:38,679 Speaker 1: submit an audio question. You just click on the speak 30 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 1: pipe icon and you can use whatever on your phone 31 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 1: or your computer, whatever recorder. The questions are limited to 32 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:47,200 Speaker 1: ninety seconds because I don't currently have the pro version, 33 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 1: but pro tip, you could always extend your question by 34 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,400 Speaker 1: leaving a second question if it really is longer than 35 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 1: ninety seconds, And honestly, most questions don't take longer than 36 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: ninety seconds to ask anyways, what I've learned so they 37 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: want to think about changing their business model, but until then, 38 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: it's a great way for you to do it at 39 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 1: fifteen seconds, and then you have to pay. Then I'm 40 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 1: going to have more a little bit more revenue, but yes, 41 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 1: we would welcome more. I think it's really fun to 42 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: actually hear voices, all right, well, then we could go 43 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,799 Speaker 1: ahead and play that question. Then if you are set 44 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,080 Speaker 1: up to do that, let's go for it. Hello Sarah, 45 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 1: Hi Laura. My name is Shweita and I've been listening 46 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,800 Speaker 1: to the Best of Both Worlds since twenty eighteen and 47 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 1: I find it very enjoyable and insightful, so thank you 48 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: for the great content. One strategy that you've discussed in 49 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,520 Speaker 1: the past is to plan the next week, and not 50 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 1: just for work goals, but also for personal goals. I've 51 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,639 Speaker 1: always done weekly planning of my work goals, but a 52 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: few weeks ago I started planning my personal goals as 53 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 1: well on my Friday afternoon planning sessions. And while I 54 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 1: do a great job in planning and completing my work 55 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 1: related goals, my personal goals seem to have isc problem. 56 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:01,800 Speaker 1: They're either overly ambitious creating a capsule wardrobe in a 57 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 1: week and I don't finish them, or extremely mundane and 58 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 1: they feel like a to do list, like you know, 59 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 1: changing out the bulb in the porch light and it 60 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: doesn't feel fulfilling. Then, so I end up feeling frustrated 61 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,559 Speaker 1: at the end of the week instead of being satisfied. 62 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: So my question is how do I set the right 63 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 1: scope for my personal goals so that it feels like 64 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 1: an accomplishment and not like a bourden and not like 65 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,679 Speaker 1: box checking. Any advice for setting the size of these 66 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,880 Speaker 1: weekly personal goals would be great, Thank you very much. 67 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 1: All Right, So that question was about setting the right 68 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 1: level of goals for our weekly goals? Laura, do you 69 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: have thoughts on that? Yeah? Well, I mean, this is 70 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 1: obviously the challenge of estimating how much we can get 71 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 1: done taking into account what life is like. And what 72 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,960 Speaker 1: I will say is this is very difficult. It's a 73 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,920 Speaker 1: time estimation question in addition to a goal estimation question, 74 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 1: and time estimation is difficult. Many people do not know 75 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 1: how long things they do quite regularly take. I mean 76 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 1: we're even talking things like commuting to work. There are 77 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,720 Speaker 1: people who don't actually know how long it takes them 78 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: to get to work. That seems a little silly, but 79 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: there are plenty of other things that people do all 80 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,599 Speaker 1: the time and don't know how long they take. And 81 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,720 Speaker 1: it's the same thing with setting goals. For the weak. 82 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: What constitutes a challenging but doable sort of week, I 83 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 1: would say aim low, and the reason is because if 84 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: you set lower goals and you get through all of it, like, 85 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,680 Speaker 1: you are always free to go pick more stuff. Like. 86 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: There is no rule saying, well, okay, if you accomplish 87 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,839 Speaker 1: everything by the end of Wednesday, you have to take 88 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: the weekend off. I mean you could, of course, but 89 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: you're obviously welcome to go find some other stuff then 90 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,040 Speaker 1: to fill the rest of your week if you feel 91 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,839 Speaker 1: it was an inadequate week in some way, shape or form. 92 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: But the more common sin is the other way that 93 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: people try to cram too much in and then they 94 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 1: don't get to it all, and then they feel discouraged. 95 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 1: And it's not just about the discouragement part of it. 96 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,679 Speaker 1: It's that you might not have chosen the right stuff 97 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,599 Speaker 1: to do first. If you don't really think through what 98 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 1: you're going to get through. You may have chosen stuff 99 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,280 Speaker 1: that could have been done next week. You might have 100 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,839 Speaker 1: chosen stuff that was not quite as urgent as the 101 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:19,159 Speaker 1: stuff you didn't get to, and then you've brought yourself 102 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 1: all kinds of problems. So aim lower than you think 103 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 1: you're going to get to. Then see what happens. I 104 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 1: would suggest you know, any given day cannot accommodate more 105 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: than three, maybe five tasks that are not set appointments, 106 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: So that might be a good way to kind of 107 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,040 Speaker 1: aim for like, if you've got four meetings, then set 108 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,719 Speaker 1: yourself three other tasks around those meetings. If you've got 109 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: one meeting, maybe you could do more like five. But 110 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,279 Speaker 1: if you have a good sense of how the week 111 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 1: is shaped like that, then you can allocate each goal 112 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,359 Speaker 1: to a particular time and if it's like, wait, I 113 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,119 Speaker 1: don't think that's going to fit, that's a good sign 114 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: that it's not going to fit. Yeah, so the time 115 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,320 Speaker 1: sort of a modified time blocking approach is what you're suggesting. 116 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:06,240 Speaker 1: It sounds like now this person specifically, and I apologize 117 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: because Laura was not able to hear the entire question 118 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 1: right now I summarized it. But they were asking about 119 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 1: personal goals in particular in addition to work goals, and 120 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,400 Speaker 1: how to make sure that they're not like too trivial 121 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,039 Speaker 1: so they just feel like little tasks but not too 122 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,719 Speaker 1: much where they really overwhelmed themselves. And I don't have 123 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: a great answer other than trial and error. I mean, 124 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: if you pick a goal one week and it just 125 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,160 Speaker 1: seems like too much, then think about whether that might 126 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,200 Speaker 1: be a specific goal you want to divide into pieces. 127 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 1: For example, you guys know, I was working on doing 128 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,719 Speaker 1: an organizing program of my home, and it quickly became 129 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,719 Speaker 1: evident that doing one step every day was not going 130 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 1: to be doable for me. So I had to figure 131 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: that out by trial and error and then decided, you 132 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 1: know what, I'm going to do a couple of these 133 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,960 Speaker 1: actions per week. And so I learned by doing that 134 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,039 Speaker 1: that would be a meaningful amount for me that didn't 135 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:58,640 Speaker 1: feel completely trivial, but wasn't overwhelming. So I'm not sure 136 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: we're entirely going to be able to answer this question 137 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 1: for you, except to give you permission that it's okay 138 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: to play with things and especially learn from the times 139 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,800 Speaker 1: that you do choose too many things how you might 140 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,400 Speaker 1: be able to break those town to make them more 141 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 1: manageable to fit the time frame of a week. Yeah, 142 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: I would say that on weekend days, I tend to 143 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,600 Speaker 1: choose one or two things that I want to aim 144 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: for on the weekend, beyond kind of life maintenance of 145 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 1: these little personal goals I want to tackle more than that, 146 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: it's just not going to happen if you have a 147 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: busy life. I mean, that's just reality, and then maybe 148 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,880 Speaker 1: one to two much smaller things for during the week 149 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 1: that you could tackle in the evenings. So that just 150 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,720 Speaker 1: as a general rule of thumb and so apologies for 151 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 1: having gone on about work related time estimation not having 152 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 1: heard the actual question. Through the magic of podcasting, it's 153 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 1: going to get spliced in later, so now you know 154 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 1: how the sausage is made around here. That's although interesting. 155 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 1: Answering questions that people didn't ask is kind of a 156 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:02,560 Speaker 1: time honored media training technique that when you learn how 157 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 1: to do, for instance, television or radio interviews, the goal 158 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,360 Speaker 1: is always you know people will ask a question, but 159 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 1: you have kind of your set stuff that you also 160 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 1: want to say, and generally you can get to what 161 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: you want to say if you pay attention to people 162 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 1: who've done a lot of television, radio whenevers. I tend 163 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: to answer stuff that didn't get asked. That is very 164 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,200 Speaker 1: interesting and definitely makes me think back to some of 165 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:27,000 Speaker 1: our guest interviews, especially our more polished guests, where it's like, wow, 166 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 1: how did they work their book in there? Like I 167 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 1: asked about what they had for lunch? Yes, well, there 168 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,839 Speaker 1: you go, but it's a tr question. Number two let's 169 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 1: move on, Sarah, how do you organize your reading life? 170 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 1: I think you should answer this because I basically do not, 171 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:45,680 Speaker 1: so go for it all. Well, not organizing is a 172 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 1: method upon itself, so give yourself a little bit more credit. 173 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,800 Speaker 1: So I do tend to have a rough plan of 174 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: what I'm going to read for a year. I know 175 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 1: that sounds like a lot. I've been doing it for 176 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: the last three years, and that doesn't mean that I'm 177 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,000 Speaker 1: so First of all, let me tell you my reading 178 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 1: list making is definitely a testament to my satisficing nature. 179 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: I'm sure it's not like the absolute best curated list 180 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 1: I could possibly create of the books that were made 181 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:14,640 Speaker 1: for me to read. But at the same time, if 182 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 1: I'm reading like a slew of really good books, then 183 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 1: to me, it doesn't matter if they're like the absolute 184 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 1: best book I could have found to you know, meet 185 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: some arbitrary goals. So I make these lists, and I 186 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,240 Speaker 1: don't like totally be labor them. I just kind of 187 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 1: like have a little Apple Notes document and if I 188 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,079 Speaker 1: hear of something, I'll put it on there, and then 189 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: I'll dig deep into Modern Missus, Darcy's Recommendations and some 190 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,320 Speaker 1: other podcasts recommendations that I've been getting into. I've been 191 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,840 Speaker 1: into the ten Things to Tell You podcast lately, and 192 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,440 Speaker 1: then a lot of times she has a lot of 193 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: book wracks that sound fascinating to me, so I've been 194 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,839 Speaker 1: adding some through that, and yeah, I'll have like a 195 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 1: rough list for the year, and then I change it, 196 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,280 Speaker 1: like I mean, I just added a book, for example, 197 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,680 Speaker 1: for twenty twenty one to my library whole list because 198 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:56,440 Speaker 1: I had heard it on a podcasts that wasn't originally 199 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 1: on my list. So it is absolutely a flexible list 200 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 1: because I do think if you give yourself like a 201 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 1: very structured reading assignment, like if I was like, Okay, 202 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: the first two weeks of March, I will read this book, 203 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 1: Like of course I wouldn't want to read that book 204 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: at that time. But it's more like, oh, I have 205 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:15,040 Speaker 1: a cornucopia of excellent titles to choose from for like 206 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: each quarter, and then I'll like move things around as 207 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,880 Speaker 1: I see fit. But it means that I never have 208 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: a lack of ideas in terms of what to put 209 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 1: on my list and what to read. And I do 210 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 1: tend to have a nonfiction and a fiction going at 211 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 1: the same time because I read those at different times. 212 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: Nonfiction is usually morning and fiction is usually like any 213 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,640 Speaker 1: other time basically. And I also will say that I 214 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:38,080 Speaker 1: make a point of kind of playing with and keeping 215 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: up to date my library hold list at least monthly, 216 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,959 Speaker 1: usually more often because I'll get text from the library 217 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,840 Speaker 1: that something has come in and that makes me, you know, 218 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 1: add things or want to change my list or put 219 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 1: put a hold on hold. As you can do. You 220 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,520 Speaker 1: can get on the wait list and then decide, oh, 221 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:52,199 Speaker 1: I don't actually want that book soon, and you can 222 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,600 Speaker 1: like freeze the weight list and do all these kinds 223 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,600 Speaker 1: of stuff. So that helps us well. So I typically 224 00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,319 Speaker 1: have books coming in, and I have a low threshold 225 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,600 Speaker 1: for buying books, especially if the library doesn't have them 226 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 1: or I want to read them and they're like you know, 227 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: on person number one hundred in line and just go 228 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,880 Speaker 1: ahead and click through and purchase. I'm a big fan 229 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,680 Speaker 1: of buying books. You should definitely support authors and buy books, 230 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 1: but the library has to buy it too, so obviously 231 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 1: you know that's a way too showing that there's a 232 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,000 Speaker 1: high demand. So requesting books from your library is another 233 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,319 Speaker 1: way to support authors. And if they know there's long 234 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: hold lists, they may invest in extra copies. Definitely put 235 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 1: in a hold. You could put in a hold and 236 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: buy the book if as a way to double support 237 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,319 Speaker 1: an author, that might be something you could do as well. 238 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,680 Speaker 1: Look and see what's interesting coming out. Look at reviews 239 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 1: on Modern Missus Darcy, the Wall Street Journal's book reviews section. 240 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,400 Speaker 1: You know, people I know have books coming out at 241 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,720 Speaker 1: this point. I've been in not a terrible, not a 242 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 1: great reading place for a while, but I am reading, 243 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,360 Speaker 1: as we've talked about, a chapter of war and Peace 244 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:56,440 Speaker 1: every morning. So I have a big fiction thing going 245 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: over the course of the year, and then I'm most 246 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 1: of the rest of my reading is whatever nonfiction book 247 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:07,200 Speaker 1: has caught my attention as of late. So I've recently 248 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:11,560 Speaker 1: read Just Lahy her new book, The Addiction Inoculation, which 249 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: is fascinating. Some of our listeners might want to check 250 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,719 Speaker 1: that out. She's a friend of kJ who's been on 251 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,400 Speaker 1: the podcast a lot too. They have a podcast called 252 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 1: am Writing Together. But Jess talks about her you know, 253 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 1: recovery from alcoholism and this genetic history of hers that 254 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,960 Speaker 1: she's done trying to not pass along to her sons. 255 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: I mean, obviously the genetics you can't help, but to 256 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 1: how can you keep kids who have this history from 257 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 1: becoming addicts and self fascinating stuff? Anyway, So that's what 258 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 1: I was reading the other day. So that does sound fascinating. Cool. Well, 259 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,839 Speaker 1: shall we take a short ad break? Yes, yeah, take 260 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,360 Speaker 1: a short ad break and we will be back in 261 00:12:47,440 --> 00:13:02,200 Speaker 1: just a minute. Well, we are back with an all 262 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:06,319 Speaker 1: mail bag episode taking listener questions. This one came in 263 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:11,160 Speaker 1: through Instagram. How do you navigate gifts from grandparents? I 264 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,160 Speaker 1: don't want lots of stuff, but don't want to upset them? 265 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: All right, Well, Sarah, you have you have thoughts on this. 266 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 1: I consider myself pretty lucky in this regard in that 267 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 1: I think both sets of grandparents are cognizant of the 268 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: fact that I don't want o flew of random stuff 269 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,880 Speaker 1: cluttering the house, although we do, I mean we totally do, 270 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,720 Speaker 1: by the way. Just don't get any idea that we 271 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,840 Speaker 1: have this like uncluttered house, but just I guess not 272 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:39,920 Speaker 1: to add to it supremely. And so they typically ask 273 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 1: and I don't know if I started like, I don't 274 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,800 Speaker 1: know if I somehow who knows. Maybe it's just that 275 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,400 Speaker 1: they listen to the podcast and read the blog. I 276 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 1: don't know that that's a strategy for everyone, but I 277 00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 1: think you can make it known that you are, you know, 278 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 1: trying to reduce you have tons of plastic toys, for example, 279 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,559 Speaker 1: or like you don't need any more Legos or whatever 280 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 1: the thing is, and you can provide suggestions because a 281 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 1: lot of times all grandparents want is to delight kids. 282 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,680 Speaker 1: And if you say, hey, my kids love to have 283 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: a museum membership and you could take them like that 284 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 1: would be a wonderful grandparent gift, or even something like 285 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: some kind of digital membership. These days, there's a lot 286 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,720 Speaker 1: of gaming things if you don't want stuff and you 287 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: want more technological stuff, or we have gone to like 288 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,000 Speaker 1: the Doodle Crate, which is like the art version of 289 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,680 Speaker 1: the Kiwi Crate, which it does sound like a lot 290 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,400 Speaker 1: of stuff because they're shipping stuff your house, but it's 291 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: all kind of like consumable stuff, like once you've completed 292 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 1: the project, then it's done and it's not taking them 293 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 1: space in your house. And I ask for those things 294 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 1: like when I'm asked what the kids want, I ask, 295 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,440 Speaker 1: or I even volunteer, like, hey, if you need ideas 296 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 1: for X, Y or Z's birthday, they've been talking about this, 297 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 1: this or this. So I think the more that you 298 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: kind of in a positive way shape what you are 299 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:58,760 Speaker 1: interested in getting, the more that should hopefully help prevent 300 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,960 Speaker 1: a deluge. And I think in the the worst case scenario, 301 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 1: you can always keep something for a short amount of time. 302 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 1: You don't have to necessarily keep something forever just because 303 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,960 Speaker 1: it's been gifted to you. You could regift it to 304 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: somebody else after a month of use, if it's taking 305 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,480 Speaker 1: up half of your playroom or something like that. Yeah, 306 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 1: I would also say that. I mean, sometimes people get 307 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 1: a little bit overly obsessed with having zero clutter and 308 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,560 Speaker 1: zero stuff, and I think that's an impossible goal when 309 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: you have small kids. I mean, I don't know what 310 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 1: exactly this person's threshold is, but you know, I had 311 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,040 Speaker 1: a question on Instagram recently if somebody was like, oh, 312 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,080 Speaker 1: I'd love to do puzzles with my kids, but I 313 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 1: don't want stuff in the house, And I'm like, uh, 314 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 1: they didn't want to have any puzzles or legos in 315 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,760 Speaker 1: the house that they would do as a fun activity 316 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,800 Speaker 1: with their kids because it might be stuff. I mean, 317 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:52,600 Speaker 1: it's just I'm sorry, have your fun, Let the kids 318 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: have their fun. You deal with the clutter later. If 319 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,480 Speaker 1: you want a house that's going to look like a 320 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: magazine like, you know, I'm sorry, it's just going to 321 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 1: not happen until the kids are older. And I think 322 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 1: we need to learn to let go a little bit 323 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: and be okay with that. Now. I'm not saying that 324 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 1: if you live in an eight hundred square foot apartment 325 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 1: and your grandparents get you this, you know, giant like 326 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 1: three set Barbie castle, like three Barbie castles in a 327 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 1: row or something like that, that might be problematic. But 328 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 1: you know, I think at least leaving yourself open to 329 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 1: a little bit of stuff is okay. And as Sarah said, 330 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: you can move it out after a while, after the 331 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,640 Speaker 1: kids have played with it, if you want to move 332 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,360 Speaker 1: on to something else. I think it's only the people 333 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 1: who like either haven't had kids or just have one 334 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,840 Speaker 1: eight month old that have the fantasy of no stuff. 335 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:45,400 Speaker 1: Like I think I had that fantasy, but it's untenable. 336 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,760 Speaker 1: It's untenable. I would like to hear from someone I 337 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: don't know, well, maybe and it's okay, yeah, it's okay. No, 338 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,720 Speaker 1: I mean I would say, like, don't not do puzzles 339 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 1: with your kids. Because the puzzle will be there. Like, 340 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 1: don't not build a lego set with your you know, preteen, 341 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 1: because then the legos will be there. This just seems 342 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,520 Speaker 1: like a you know, strange way to organize your life 343 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 1: that you're so into not having clutter that you wouldn't 344 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 1: do things. I don't know anyway, Sarah, what tasks do 345 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,719 Speaker 1: you find become equal with your partner most easily? And 346 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 1: as a sort of corollary to that that, I'm adding, 347 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:22,440 Speaker 1: what are the things that you think are our hardest 348 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,520 Speaker 1: to make equal or shouldn't be equal? I guess because 349 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,159 Speaker 1: not everything has to be. I think the question was, 350 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: and this is probably my fault, what is the most 351 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,399 Speaker 1: likely to become unequal? But I think we should answer 352 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 1: in the positive way. Okay, first, perhaps I don't know. 353 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,639 Speaker 1: I always feel like when there's a very clear delineation 354 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 1: of I'm doing this and you're doing that, that that helps. 355 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,639 Speaker 1: Like recently, our kids were going to do ice skating 356 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 1: and I was just and there was like an issue 357 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: where like we had to we had credit sort of 358 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,720 Speaker 1: and I am like the kind of person who hates 359 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,560 Speaker 1: asking for stuff from businesses, and my husband's like, well, 360 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 1: why it was a birthday party we didn't do. And 361 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: I'm like, great, you are totally in charge of ice skating. 362 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,119 Speaker 1: Now I don't want anything to do with it, like 363 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,280 Speaker 1: you call them, you work with them, whatever, And he 364 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,680 Speaker 1: did it like it's fine, and of course he's always right. 365 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,240 Speaker 1: They were like, oh, we're happy to you know, accommedy 366 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,360 Speaker 1: your credit or whatever. But I just hate doing that anyway. Sorry, 367 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,320 Speaker 1: that's a total digression, but I think that it helped that. 368 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 1: It wasn't like, oh, well you call and then I'll 369 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,399 Speaker 1: do this. It was like, you're in charge of that. 370 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,640 Speaker 1: And I think about like your kids and doctor's appointments. 371 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,160 Speaker 1: I remember your husband typically well it's yeah, that's sort 372 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,040 Speaker 1: of a mix. I mean with five, there's just a 373 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: lot of them who we have split them at different points, 374 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,360 Speaker 1: like you know, having two kids go at one point 375 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:33,440 Speaker 1: and he'll take that and two at another and I'll 376 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,719 Speaker 1: take that. He tends to be more in charge of 377 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 1: dental related stuff, possibly because I would massively fall down 378 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,680 Speaker 1: on the job. I have perhaps lower dental standards than 379 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 1: he does. So, for instance, Ruth, he's in charge of orthodontia. 380 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,680 Speaker 1: Ruth has an expander. Now I don't even know how 381 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,960 Speaker 1: to do it. He's been doing it every night. Now. 382 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,280 Speaker 1: Of course that works because we're in a period of 383 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,720 Speaker 1: time where we still work from home. But you know, again, 384 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,360 Speaker 1: it's like when one person has totally different standards from another. 385 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,879 Speaker 1: I guess she was sort of obvious. But he's like, well, 386 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,280 Speaker 1: I want to take Sam in to, you know, get 387 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,879 Speaker 1: him evaluated, because I think his lower teeth are crooked. 388 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,399 Speaker 1: And I'm like, who cares if your lower teeth are crooked? 389 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,679 Speaker 1: No one sees them anyway, I wouldn't have brought him in. 390 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 1: And so he's like, if it's a situation like that, 391 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: the party who cares more should probably do it. If 392 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 1: you evaluate the various spheres of life, you may find 393 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: out that there are certain things that one of you 394 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 1: cares more about than the other, you know, and some 395 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:39,000 Speaker 1: of it obviously is gonna split probably stereotypical gender lines. 396 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 1: Like my husband tends to do more of the home 397 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,639 Speaker 1: repair stuff. He's like, well, we I called the you know, 398 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,680 Speaker 1: AC guys to get them to come in to service it. 399 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,399 Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, that, yes, that, But you know, 400 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,359 Speaker 1: then there's other stuff that like I'm pretty sure the 401 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:56,760 Speaker 1: summer camp spreadsheet would not happen if it were not 402 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:01,479 Speaker 1: me doing it. One thing that we have bound works 403 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,119 Speaker 1: well is to also divide based on energy. So I 404 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,320 Speaker 1: am basically terrible at night. I mean, when he's not here, 405 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 1: I by default have to handle it. And oddly I 406 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,320 Speaker 1: think the kids know I'm terrible and kind of humor 407 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:14,760 Speaker 1: me a little bit, so that helps. But when he 408 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,920 Speaker 1: is here, he tends to put the kids to bed, 409 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,199 Speaker 1: he deals with any shenanigans of kids getting out of 410 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,679 Speaker 1: bed like he just knows my tolerance for that is 411 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:26,119 Speaker 1: so bad that he just kind of does it. So 412 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,640 Speaker 1: that is one also, I say, I would say positive 413 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 1: one that takes advantage of kind of natural differences in 414 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,840 Speaker 1: our energy level at that time of day. Yeah, I'm 415 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:39,040 Speaker 1: trying to split the sleep disruptions more evenly right now, 416 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 1: having some challenges with it. Although you know what I'll do, 417 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 1: I'll go sleep in the guest room. And so then 418 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:47,160 Speaker 1: Michael is in the room with Henry in the closet. 419 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:52,960 Speaker 1: Right some nights, but I would love to sleep past six. 420 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 1: And so last night I was in the gas room 421 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,200 Speaker 1: and I'm like, please give me till six, And so 422 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,680 Speaker 1: they appear in my room and he's like, no, it's 423 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 1: morning and he has to be the baby. And then 424 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: I was like, let me just go look at the clock. 425 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 1: It was it was five forty five, so it was close, 426 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:13,240 Speaker 1: but it was not six. I was just like, come on, like, 427 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:18,320 Speaker 1: couldn't go fifteen minutes? Two more minutes. I do feel 428 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,800 Speaker 1: like and this since the asker did ask about what 429 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 1: quickly becomes unequal, unfortunately I always felt like, and this 430 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,680 Speaker 1: is not his fault, but I felt like baby care 431 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 1: was just typically where we would fall apart, partly because 432 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,359 Speaker 1: you know, if you are nursing and that is the 433 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,800 Speaker 1: most easy, kind of reliable way to soothe your baby, 434 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,080 Speaker 1: then only one person's able to do that, and then 435 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,840 Speaker 1: sometimes that just sort of extends over to like you 436 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,199 Speaker 1: just end up being the baby wrangler. So there have 437 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,199 Speaker 1: been times when I have had to say, like, and 438 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: this is more applicable when our kids were younger, but 439 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,840 Speaker 1: I would just be like, I have been with the 440 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,840 Speaker 1: one year old the entire day, and you've been doing 441 00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,919 Speaker 1: fun stuff with the big kids, and we need to 442 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: like consciously trade. And then he does and he's like, oh, yeah, 443 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,280 Speaker 1: you're right, But I think that would be a natural 444 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,639 Speaker 1: one where we tend to kind of fall apart, and 445 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,920 Speaker 1: that's not our intention, but it just kind of happens, 446 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,600 Speaker 1: or it used to happen exactly. But you know, having 447 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,680 Speaker 1: discussions about it always good. I mean, obviously this could 448 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,280 Speaker 1: be a topic of a whole episode, but you know, 449 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,600 Speaker 1: I think in general, making sure that you are aware 450 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,200 Speaker 1: also of what your partner is doing, because this does 451 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,680 Speaker 1: happen sometimes. As you know, our past guest Tiffany Doufu 452 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,359 Speaker 1: talked about in her book that she and her husband 453 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 1: made the list of the things that she were doing. 454 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,880 Speaker 1: You know, she'd made the list first, and it's like, oh, 455 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,640 Speaker 1: I'm doing fifty things and you're doing too, and it's 456 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,560 Speaker 1: been like, well, he could list fifty things that she 457 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,679 Speaker 1: hadn't even thought of, and so it was you know, 458 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,240 Speaker 1: there are there are things that happen like our bike 459 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:50,199 Speaker 1: tires get you know, inflated, balls get inflated. You know, 460 00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:53,439 Speaker 1: plants appear in the backyard. Like these are just things 461 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 1: that happen and I don't even think about it. And 462 00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:00,000 Speaker 1: so you know I could then say like, oh, well, god, 463 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 1: you know, why was I up at five forty five 464 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:03,679 Speaker 1: instead of six? I mean, I think it's because he 465 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,440 Speaker 1: was up since four, like he was up with the 466 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,640 Speaker 1: baby since four gave him to me at five forty five, 467 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 1: like apparently, you know we gave them to that, but 468 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,439 Speaker 1: it was you know, it's just you want to make 469 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:17,320 Speaker 1: sure that before you think things are terribly unequal, you 470 00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:19,959 Speaker 1: take a good look at what is really happening and 471 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,040 Speaker 1: see what they think might be unequal too. And I'm 472 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,120 Speaker 1: glad you mentioned dropped the ball. That is my favorite 473 00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,000 Speaker 1: Division of Labor parent book, I think because you can 474 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,560 Speaker 1: hear the love and their relationship as she talks about it, 475 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:33,080 Speaker 1: and it has a certain playfulness, but at the same 476 00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:35,760 Speaker 1: time it's like really powerful. So you should have your 477 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 1: partner and yourself read that. Apparently in their case, he 478 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 1: was the one getting up with their baby all the time, 479 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:45,520 Speaker 1: like she slept really deeply. So there you go, splits 480 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,919 Speaker 1: differently different ways, all right. So our next question is 481 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:55,159 Speaker 1: navigating the transition from one to two kids. So Sarah 482 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,720 Speaker 1: was joking about this. We have a particular they're sort 483 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 1: of ongoing best of both worlds jokes, and we always 484 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 1: laugh about fathers who make the joke whenever their kid 485 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,719 Speaker 1: they're going from two to three of like, oh well, 486 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,720 Speaker 1: we're going from man to man. To zone defense. It's like, well, 487 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,440 Speaker 1: that implies that you never had both two kids on 488 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:17,080 Speaker 1: your own ever, because if you ever say that, you 489 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,760 Speaker 1: were already doing zone defense, right, like, so like, thank 490 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,359 Speaker 1: you for sharing with us that you have never had 491 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:26,879 Speaker 1: your two children to yourself. But okay, yeah, so you 492 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,520 Speaker 1: could make that joke. I love it. I love it. It 493 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,479 Speaker 1: It is a best of both worlds trope or something 494 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,800 Speaker 1: to have a little bit of snark about that particular statement. 495 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:40,040 Speaker 1: So yes, I agree, I do feel like so, you know, 496 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,119 Speaker 1: Laura wrote, oh, we could talk about two to three 497 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,640 Speaker 1: or three to four or four to five. I'm like, well, 498 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,439 Speaker 1: I don't know the latter couple of those, but I 499 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:49,600 Speaker 1: found zero to one the hardest by far, because all 500 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 1: of a sudden, your life is not about you. It's 501 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,719 Speaker 1: about many other things. And one to two the second hardest, 502 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 1: and two to three the third hardest. So maybe it 503 00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,919 Speaker 1: does keep getting eat Maybe the answers just have lu 504 00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: and lots of kids it don't get easier. But actually, 505 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 1: to me, there's a really big difference between adding a 506 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: child when you have like a three or four year 507 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,360 Speaker 1: old and then adding a child when you have say 508 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,400 Speaker 1: like an eighteen month old or a twenty month old. 509 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:14,760 Speaker 1: I did just say, give yourself a break if you 510 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,399 Speaker 1: were going to have a baby and toddler, and know 511 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,600 Speaker 1: that that time period is short because your toddler is 512 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 1: quickly going to age out to preschooler and things will 513 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,920 Speaker 1: get a little bit better and then your baby will 514 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,760 Speaker 1: be a toddler. You won't have a screaming new bore 515 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,920 Speaker 1: like things are going to get better, but hire the help, 516 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,119 Speaker 1: give yourself a break. Don't expect that things are going 517 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 1: to be perfect or easy. Like I personally found that 518 00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: to be a very challenging time. And it wasn't the 519 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 1: two kids particularly, it was twenty two month old and 520 00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 1: zero year old, or like twenty six month old and 521 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:45,320 Speaker 1: six month old or whatever you know we had. So again, 522 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:47,600 Speaker 1: the age spacing is going to play a role, and 523 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 1: know that that's going to be temporary because they're not 524 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,639 Speaker 1: going to stay both tiny babies and toddlers forever. And 525 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,359 Speaker 1: that is the time to ask for help, whether that 526 00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,160 Speaker 1: is from friends, family members, or people that you employ. Yeah, 527 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,000 Speaker 1: I mean, I would say I don't even really have 528 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,120 Speaker 1: any many memories of when Jasper was for Sam had 529 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,919 Speaker 1: just turned two and Ruth was a baby. I mean 530 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,480 Speaker 1: I clearly that time happened, but it was just a 531 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:15,400 Speaker 1: you know, you get through it one way or the other, 532 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,760 Speaker 1: and to recognize that that is probably not going to 533 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:23,159 Speaker 1: be your most relaxing period of life. And if you have, 534 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: for instance, two under two or two under three, two 535 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,239 Speaker 1: under two and a half, whatever, I mean, these are 536 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,840 Speaker 1: these are just really really challenging times. Yeah, the baby 537 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,040 Speaker 1: is actually you can put the baby down and like, 538 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,200 Speaker 1: especially if the baby isn't mobile, they're not going to 539 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 1: go anywhere, like they're not going to get into trouble, 540 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,320 Speaker 1: So you might be better off focusing on your two 541 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 1: year old at that point and you know, viewing that 542 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:47,000 Speaker 1: that is the more mediate pressing issue and the baby 543 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 1: will then command more time later in life when that's happened, 544 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:52,919 Speaker 1: and get very good at like nursing while walking around. 545 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,359 Speaker 1: That was my other thing. Like you have this nice 546 00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:59,040 Speaker 1: idea of people with first time children. They're like, I'm 547 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:01,359 Speaker 1: in my chair with my feet propped up and my 548 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,480 Speaker 1: pillow and my you know, water on one side and 549 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,720 Speaker 1: the stop watch so I know how long I'm on 550 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 1: each side. And then it's like when you have a 551 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: second kid, you're just like I am cooking dinner and 552 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,520 Speaker 1: watching a toddler while nursing. So just like run with that, 553 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,919 Speaker 1: you get very good at it. I don't think I 554 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,879 Speaker 1: could ever do that, but yes, that sounds awesome. But 555 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:23,639 Speaker 1: I did a lot of sit on the floor and 556 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,239 Speaker 1: play with toddler while nursing. Yes, exactly. And you can 557 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,159 Speaker 1: always ignore the little tiny one for a brief period 558 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,800 Speaker 1: because they're not going to remember true, true, whereas the 559 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,000 Speaker 1: bigger one is all right, Sarah. So this next question 560 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:40,119 Speaker 1: is particularly for you. How do you save energy for 561 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 1: after kid bedtime? This person says, I'm so often falling 562 00:27:43,359 --> 00:27:47,760 Speaker 1: asleep and get nothing done. Is it for me? Because 563 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:50,320 Speaker 1: I don't have any good answer to this, I think 564 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:54,920 Speaker 1: it's for you. You're more likely to actually, well, yes, okay, 565 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,520 Speaker 1: I will. I will just say that I don't have 566 00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 1: a great answer for this because I don't have a 567 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 1: lot of energy after kid bedtime. I set my sights 568 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,120 Speaker 1: really low in terms of how much I am going 569 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,920 Speaker 1: to do or experience. If I get thirty to sixty 570 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:13,439 Speaker 1: minutes to either read or hang out with my husband, 571 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,959 Speaker 1: then that is a win. I do get more on 572 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:18,600 Speaker 1: weekends because I tend to sleep in, and then I'm 573 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,200 Speaker 1: less tired. But you know, the flip side of getting 574 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,600 Speaker 1: up early is you can't then stay up till midnight. 575 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,359 Speaker 1: I mean maybe some people can, but I definitely cannot. 576 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,840 Speaker 1: So I'm usually in bed by nine thirty to ten, 577 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,080 Speaker 1: and my kids go to bed at like eight thirty 578 00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:33,199 Speaker 1: to nine. So you do the math. There's not a 579 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,000 Speaker 1: lot of window in there, and you can imagine that's 580 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,520 Speaker 1: not a super high energy window either, So I think 581 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 1: it's okay if that's not a time you get a 582 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 1: lot done. I think being realistic and knowing that, you 583 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,080 Speaker 1: know what, that's my thirty minutes of wine down time. 584 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,600 Speaker 1: If that's all you really have, then then maybe that's okay. 585 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:54,000 Speaker 1: Maybe that's your quote unquote season right now. Yeah. Well, 586 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:57,880 Speaker 1: and Sarah Sarah has chosen to put her personal time 587 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: in the early morning, which is an option like if 588 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 1: you don't have any energy at the end of the day, 589 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:05,920 Speaker 1: but you do in the morning, then consciously use the 590 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,240 Speaker 1: morning as me time, Like you don't have to only 591 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:10,920 Speaker 1: do me time at night after your kids go to bed. 592 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,719 Speaker 1: I mean, it's obviously convenient time for it for many people, 593 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,360 Speaker 1: but you may in fact have the energy to do 594 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,040 Speaker 1: sort of more effortful things in the morning, like Sarah 595 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,000 Speaker 1: doing her workout in the morning, doing her blog writing, 596 00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:25,280 Speaker 1: doing some reading in the morning, doing your meditation the 597 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 1: way we could listen through Sarah's extensive morning routine. You know, 598 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:30,880 Speaker 1: that's all stuff that would for many people be a 599 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,360 Speaker 1: lot harder to do at night. Like what we do 600 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,160 Speaker 1: with our free time at night tends to be more 601 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 1: watching TV because you know that's nobody has that much 602 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,880 Speaker 1: energy at night, even if they tend to think they do. 603 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 1: I think it does help, though, to be clear about 604 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:48,800 Speaker 1: how much time is there. So, for instance, if you 605 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,160 Speaker 1: aren't going to go to bed until let's say ten 606 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 1: thirty for whatever reason, that is the time you have 607 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:56,640 Speaker 1: said as your normal weeknight bedtime, and you put your 608 00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: kids to bed I don't know eight, then you do, 609 00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:01,680 Speaker 1: in fact have two and a half hours, and it 610 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,320 Speaker 1: helps to know what that amount of time is and 611 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: then to have some sort of plan for it. I'm 612 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:09,440 Speaker 1: not saying like you need to, you know, set every 613 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,520 Speaker 1: minute or schedule like you would during the day, like 614 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 1: every fifteen minutes. I've got appointments for these sorts of things, 615 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:16,800 Speaker 1: and send your spouse like an outlook invite for watching 616 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:20,959 Speaker 1: a show, but Knowing that you might have two hours 617 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:22,959 Speaker 1: before you need to get ready for bed can encourage 618 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:24,880 Speaker 1: you to think a little bit more mindfully of like, well, 619 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,640 Speaker 1: what could I do in two hours? And the good 620 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,120 Speaker 1: news is that that's like enough to do a lot. 621 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:32,440 Speaker 1: I mean, you could watch a movie on a weeknight 622 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 1: like that might feel if you were just thinking about it, 623 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,120 Speaker 1: that would feel sort of irresponsible, right, But you know, 624 00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,160 Speaker 1: if you know you have two hours, like you can 625 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,840 Speaker 1: in fact do that. Or you could, you know, set 626 00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:44,800 Speaker 1: a phone call with a friend, like we're going to 627 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:46,880 Speaker 1: talk on Thursday night after the kids go to bed, 628 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:48,640 Speaker 1: and then you know that's coming up and you'd look 629 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,280 Speaker 1: forward to it. Like, if you have things you're looking 630 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: forward to, it can be a little bit easier to 631 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:56,360 Speaker 1: sort of manage your energy and preserve a little bit 632 00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:59,480 Speaker 1: of your energy for that knowing that good stuff is 633 00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:01,720 Speaker 1: coming up. Now. If you don't have anything you're looking 634 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:04,800 Speaker 1: forward to do, well, then it's a little bit harder 635 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,400 Speaker 1: to manage your energy and to store it towards that 636 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 1: evening too. But if you know you don't have any energy, 637 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,760 Speaker 1: you may as well just go to bed and then 638 00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,640 Speaker 1: wake up earlier and do whatever it was you were 639 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:18,160 Speaker 1: going to do in the morning. Yeah, And I know 640 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,400 Speaker 1: we've had some guests on that are all about their 641 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:23,160 Speaker 1: second shift and working late at night. And if that 642 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:26,680 Speaker 1: works for some people, that's wonderful. But I also don't 643 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:30,440 Speaker 1: think it's a requirement to be, at least in my experience, 644 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 1: a reasonably successful employed female with a family that enjoys 645 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,600 Speaker 1: both life and family time. I don't feel like I 646 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,400 Speaker 1: would get much done that was of any substance if 647 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,320 Speaker 1: I did try to force myself to work at night. 648 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:47,000 Speaker 1: And I have friends who do, and then I have 649 00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:51,040 Speaker 1: friends who absolutely never do, And so I think sometimes 650 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:53,720 Speaker 1: the myth that that's kind of a requirement can be 651 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:56,320 Speaker 1: a little dangerous if you are going to do the 652 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:58,960 Speaker 1: split shift, Like if you know that there are certain 653 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,480 Speaker 1: tasks you of left for the evening because you've made 654 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 1: a conscious choice to leave work earlier, which remember that 655 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,080 Speaker 1: is the reason you do a split shift, is that 656 00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:09,000 Speaker 1: you have left work earlier than you otherwise would have 657 00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 1: and are moving that time to the evening. Have a 658 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,360 Speaker 1: list of what you intend to do again. This is 659 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,120 Speaker 1: going to help with managing your energy too. It's not 660 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,480 Speaker 1: like I'm going to get through a thousand email backlog 661 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: between eight and ten, Like, no, you are not, but 662 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 1: if you have, Okay, I need to send responses to 663 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:29,280 Speaker 1: these three things, send out the minutes for my meeting 664 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:32,200 Speaker 1: that is tomorrow at nine am, and then review the 665 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 1: notes for the meeting that then happens at ten. Like 666 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:36,840 Speaker 1: those things, you can get through in that shift. And 667 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:39,520 Speaker 1: so if you have that list of what needs to happen, 668 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,040 Speaker 1: then you will be able to manage your energy to 669 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:43,880 Speaker 1: know to get through that and know that when you're done, 670 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,200 Speaker 1: you're done, and hopefully be done enough earlier that you 671 00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,240 Speaker 1: can still watch a show or do something else fun 672 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:51,840 Speaker 1: for thirty minutes in there. All right, Sarah, do you 673 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:55,560 Speaker 1: ever wish you had a few years to experience stay 674 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:58,320 Speaker 1: at home mom life? Thought this was kind of an 675 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:03,400 Speaker 1: interesting question that the Yeah, me too. I thought it 676 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,479 Speaker 1: was a fun question. It did make me stop and 677 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,440 Speaker 1: think for a minute, and I was like, well, I 678 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,920 Speaker 1: guess I could have done that. Like, you know, we 679 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:16,000 Speaker 1: would have survived quite fine if I had chosen to 680 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:20,080 Speaker 1: do that, And I probably could even have re entered 681 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:23,600 Speaker 1: the workforce and done fine as well. From a career perspective. 682 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,000 Speaker 1: That is one nice thing about being a physician. You 683 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,800 Speaker 1: can keep your board certification, and if you primarily want 684 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:30,920 Speaker 1: to do a clinical job, you can take a little 685 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:35,000 Speaker 1: bit of time off and go back. So this actually 686 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 1: wasn't as much as theoretical as it sounded. I was like, 687 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:41,200 Speaker 1: well it could have been. I think that it sounds nice, 688 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:44,360 Speaker 1: like I'm picturing myself ticking walks with my kids like, 689 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:48,160 Speaker 1: but then if I actually placed myself into that reality, 690 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,440 Speaker 1: it would mean not having like somebody to help with 691 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:55,000 Speaker 1: childcare and housework and stuff like that. So I would 692 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:59,800 Speaker 1: have been doing a lot of that, and I know, 693 00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: like the societal answers, I'm I'm like supposed to have 694 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:07,160 Speaker 1: wanted that or like be really sad that I didn't 695 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,839 Speaker 1: experience that. But I guess the only thing I might 696 00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:11,520 Speaker 1: have done might have done if I could have like 697 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,880 Speaker 1: magically known that everything would have been fine, is not 698 00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:16,040 Speaker 1: to ever have had to pump to just stay with 699 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,640 Speaker 1: my babies for twelve months. But that's like a maternity leave. 700 00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:21,920 Speaker 1: That's that's like a Norwegian maternity that's not being a 701 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,719 Speaker 1: stay at home mom. Yes, I would have taken if 702 00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:26,880 Speaker 1: I could have, I would have taken a Norwegian maternity leave. 703 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:28,440 Speaker 1: Let me let me just make that clear if that 704 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,839 Speaker 1: had been an option, I think I would have found 705 00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:33,520 Speaker 1: that to be a nice balance. But I'm pretty sure 706 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,200 Speaker 1: that by six months in I'd have fifteen other projects 707 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,840 Speaker 1: I wanted to do, because I don't. I just don't 708 00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:41,879 Speaker 1: know if I would have been happy not doing it, 709 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,920 Speaker 1: and by twelve months I would have been incredible. I 710 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,200 Speaker 1: think I would have been very, very very ready to 711 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:50,719 Speaker 1: get back to my own kind of autonomous work not 712 00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,399 Speaker 1: at home. So so I guess my answer is yes 713 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:56,680 Speaker 1: and no. But I I mean I could, like I 714 00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:58,719 Speaker 1: sort of answered my own question, like in theory, I 715 00:34:58,719 --> 00:35:00,560 Speaker 1: could have done that, and I didn't, So I guess 716 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,279 Speaker 1: I didn't want to. Now do we all wish we 717 00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:05,200 Speaker 1: could live our lives like ten times and experience it 718 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,880 Speaker 1: all types of different ways and see what was fun? Like? Sure, 719 00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:11,680 Speaker 1: but we don't get to Sadly, Yeah, it's a nice 720 00:35:11,719 --> 00:35:14,200 Speaker 1: idea though, be a good sci fi book. Sarah and 721 00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:16,640 Speaker 1: I have both kind of chosen not to do that. 722 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:18,879 Speaker 1: So in the sense of like, did we ever wish 723 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,920 Speaker 1: we could experience, Well, no, because we chose not to write, 724 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:25,400 Speaker 1: And so that's kind of I mean the nature of 725 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:28,160 Speaker 1: that question, right, And it's also like I'm not sure 726 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:31,600 Speaker 1: what would be so incredibly different from the experience I've had. 727 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,839 Speaker 1: I mean, because I've been with my children on enough 728 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:36,839 Speaker 1: days that I am quite aware of what's involved in 729 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:40,640 Speaker 1: caring for them. You know, I have had many a 730 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:44,239 Speaker 1: Tuesday when I've not been working for some reason or another, 731 00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:46,040 Speaker 1: and I have done stuff with the kids, like I've 732 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:49,200 Speaker 1: had weekends and stuff. I've mean there quite a bit 733 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:53,920 Speaker 1: I'm at home, so it's you know, not particularly some 734 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:57,560 Speaker 1: world that I feel like I've missed a huge amount 735 00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:00,480 Speaker 1: on in my feeling, I've gotten to do a lot 736 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:03,440 Speaker 1: of that really cool stuff that might have been, you know, 737 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,319 Speaker 1: done as a stay at home mom, only I've also 738 00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:08,640 Speaker 1: gotten to have a really cool career too. So I 739 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:10,799 Speaker 1: guess my answer is now, I don't wonder what it 740 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:15,680 Speaker 1: would be like, because that's not what we've chosen to do. Well, 741 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,400 Speaker 1: this has been best of both worlds, Sara, unless you 742 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:21,560 Speaker 1: have something else you want to add to that, No, 743 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,279 Speaker 1: I just think that was such a fun question. So 744 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:25,719 Speaker 1: thank you for asking it. Yeah, thank you for asking that, 745 00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:29,880 Speaker 1: and to our listeners like you have also permission not 746 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,680 Speaker 1: to have the feeling that you know you've missed it. 747 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:35,320 Speaker 1: I know there's this sort of idea that you're supposed 748 00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:37,000 Speaker 1: to be like guilty or wistful or whatever, and if 749 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,239 Speaker 1: you're not, you're not like I mean, I'm sure many 750 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,759 Speaker 1: people have experienced a great amount of time with their kids. 751 00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,719 Speaker 1: That's the whole thing. We say. The best of both 752 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:45,600 Speaker 1: worlds is like, even if you are working a full 753 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,080 Speaker 1: time job, there is a lot of other time that 754 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:51,200 Speaker 1: you experience with your family as well, so it's not 755 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:53,719 Speaker 1: quite the trade off that people often think it is. 756 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,239 Speaker 1: All right, well, speaking of that, this has been best 757 00:36:56,239 --> 00:36:58,799 Speaker 1: in both worlds. We've been doing our mailbag episode and 758 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:00,839 Speaker 1: we will be back next week with more on making 759 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:05,319 Speaker 1: work and life fit together. Thanks for listening. You can 760 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:08,839 Speaker 1: find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com or at 761 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:12,400 Speaker 1: the Underscore Shoebox on Instagram, and you can find me 762 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 1: Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This has been the 763 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:20,200 Speaker 1: best of Both Worlds podcasts. Please join us next time 764 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:23,040 Speaker 1: for more on making work and life work together.