WEBVTT - Zuri Hall's Hot Happy Mess: Reclaim Your Life! 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:12.280 Hot, happy mess celebrate your magic in the middle of 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:20.479 life's messes. Hot happy. I'm serial and this is hot 0:00:20.480 --> 0:00:26.880 happy made shoot. What is of a happy Monday? We 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:30.240 are back at it again. It is the dog days 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:35.240 of summer and it's hot. It's really hot, guys, it's hot. 0:00:35.640 --> 0:00:38.639 I can I'll beat that. Jack's please beat that. I'm 0:00:38.680 --> 0:00:43.120 sorry that was intense. You just got here. Stay please 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:46.920 Look my house is in the valley and it's hot here. 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:49.280 It's like ten degrees hotter than the rest of Los Angeles, 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:53.000 which I technically love but sometimes don't, especially when I'm podcasting, 0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:56.520 because this office is not the coolest situation. And I 0:00:56.560 --> 0:00:58.360 really need to get the A C checked out because 0:00:58.520 --> 0:01:01.800 I don't think it's working anyways. I need a vacation 0:01:01.840 --> 0:01:07.120 and I'm planning to escape. Um. I'm going to Barbados 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:09.440 at the end. Uh you know. I'm going to Barbados 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:12.759 in September, which I'm really excited about, um because my 0:01:12.840 --> 0:01:15.640 best friend is getting married and I'm a native honor 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:19.840 High Julie. And before that, we're going to turn up 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:25.560 in Miami for the bachelorette party being veni Osamimi. So 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:27.120 if you all know what we should do, or if 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:30.080 you have any suggestions while I'm there, slide in my 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:32.880 d m s with a debauchery. Cool cool. Okay, So 0:01:32.959 --> 0:01:35.479 last week we had the first part of our anxiety 0:01:35.520 --> 0:01:38.759 episode with our expert Dr Alicia, and if you haven't 0:01:38.800 --> 0:01:42.280 listened to that episode, go do it. She dropped a 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:45.760 lot of gems on how to identify anxiety, how to 0:01:45.840 --> 0:01:48.920 manage it, cope with it, how to support someone if 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:51.440 you have a loved one or friend or a family member, 0:01:51.480 --> 0:01:55.440 maybe a child or a parent who's dealing with it. Um. 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:57.680 So it's a really great one, so go check it out. 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:01.320 And today we've got part you, baby. We have one 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:04.800 of what is now one of my favorite Real Woman, 0:02:04.960 --> 0:02:08.600 Real Story spotlights EVA, where I am talking with a 0:02:08.880 --> 0:02:14.760 super amazing, awesome, hilarious dope, LaToya Newton, who is just 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:18.240 just dropping wisdom left and right. She's sharing her personal 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:22.160 story with anxiety and why she created an amazing support 0:02:22.240 --> 0:02:26.080 network for others who might be dealing with it, yourself included. 0:02:26.560 --> 0:02:31.800 So you're gonna love the conversation. Here's LaToya. All right, y'all. 0:02:31.800 --> 0:02:35.720 For today's Real Woman, Real Story, we have LaToya D. Newton. 0:02:35.840 --> 0:02:39.760 She is a quintessential Bronx girl. She describes herself as 0:02:39.760 --> 0:02:42.880 a healthy mix of Cardi b and Lena James. If 0:02:42.919 --> 0:02:47.160 you know, you know, I love it. Uh. She's the 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:50.560 post of her own podcast, The Analog Girl, and LaToya 0:02:50.639 --> 0:02:54.040 shares her experiences with anxiety and her journey through recovery 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:57.560 to emotional wellness. When LaToya is not raising awareness about 0:02:57.600 --> 0:03:01.079 anxiety as an advocate for Mental Wealth, a relaxing day 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:05.400 for her is laughing at ridiculous mimes Instagram or watching 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:07.800 episodes of a Different World. Sign me up for either 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:10.840 one of them. This way, I'm down. It is my 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:14.680 favorite thing to do. Honestly, thank you so much for 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:18.480 joining me today. I'm really excited to have you sort 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:21.560 of open up to our listeners from a real woman perspective, 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:23.960 because you know, we have an expert on this episode, 0:03:24.240 --> 0:03:27.720 and we all have dealt with various forms of anxiety, 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:30.679 some stronger than others. Um but especially coming out of 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:33.880 the pandemic, I think more people than ever have had 0:03:34.320 --> 0:03:39.080 triggering events myself included that I hadn't experienced before what 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:42.120 was for a lot of us. Um So I love 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:44.760 if you could just dive in by sharing your personal 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:48.600 journey with anxiety. UM, tell us your story. How did 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:50.560 you get to a place where you realize this is 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:52.680 something that I've I've got to figure out or get 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:56.080 a hold on. Sure. So, UM, I think it all 0:03:56.160 --> 0:04:00.160 hit the fan from me. In two thousand and eighteen, UM, 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:03.640 I started to struggle with something called the personalization UM. 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:06.480 And for people who don't know what that is, it's UM. 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:09.280 It's a symptom of anxiety UM. And it makes you 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:12.800 feel like you are living in an altered reality, or 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:15.640 like you're in a dream world, or you're kind of 0:04:15.680 --> 0:04:18.720 disassociated and disconnected from your body and you're feeling very 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:23.720 disconnected from people and even your atmosphere. UM. So I 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:27.680 woke up March first feeling like that, and I just 0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:29.800 thought the world was coming to it and I thought 0:04:29.800 --> 0:04:32.440 I was dying. I thought I thought I was in purgatory. 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:34.839 I don't know what the hell was going on, not purgector. 0:04:35.120 --> 0:04:37.359 I was like, well is it pergectory? Child? Like, I 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:39.240 don't know what this is. And I just kept saying 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:41.839 to my mom, like, yo, I feel weird, like what's 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:43.719 going on. I didn't know what was going on, so 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:47.440 I'm like wow. So UM, I started to go to 0:04:47.520 --> 0:04:50.159 the emergency room. I was getting cat scans, I was 0:04:50.200 --> 0:04:53.720 getting calmly. What did what did it feel like physically? 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:55.000 Like what made you feel like I need to go 0:04:55.000 --> 0:04:58.160 to the hospital. I just didn't feel real like I 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:00.040 I can't. It's the only way I can explain. And 0:05:00.360 --> 0:05:03.520 if you google the personalization UM, you'll see that that 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:05.760 is one of the things, like you just don't feel 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:09.560 real like your body. You feel completely disconnected from your body. 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:11.680 So like I would look in the mirror and I 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:15.200 would see myself, but it was like it wasn't um connecting. 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:18.320 So it was just very It's a very strange feeling. 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:21.760 And it's just um, a symptom of anxiety, like I said, 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:24.320 and it just comes from being in a place of 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:27.120 chronic fear or heightened fear. So my body had went 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:30.680 into a fight or flight um uh feeling, you know 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:32.680 what I mean. Like, so I prior to that had 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:36.400 a panic attack. I was having panic attacks. And then um, 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:38.919 I also smoked some weed, you know, I tried to 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:40.680 do I'll be trying to be like other people. I 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:43.640 need to chill because because weed is not for me. 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:46.160 And I actually had one of those nights like like 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:49.160 smokey on Friday, like when he was running in the streets, 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:52.560 that was out in the middle of Harlem, out there 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:56.640 while out rushed to the hospital. It's a very funny story. 0:05:56.680 --> 0:05:59.279 That's actually an episode on my podcast, and you go 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:02.280 back unless into the full story. Okay, yeah, so that's 0:06:02.320 --> 0:06:08.320 a long one. So short story long or long story short. UM. 0:06:08.440 --> 0:06:13.919 I started to have panic attacks after tweaking UM and UM. 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:16.159 I think that the panic attacks would cause me to 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:18.400 go into the depersonalization. So a lot of people do 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:22.039 experience depersonalization after having a bad reaction to weed. There's 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:24.400 a lot of people out there, and sometimes it just 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:26.719 happens from people who are just going through some trauma 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:31.520 or any kind of um UM long term anxiety that 0:06:31.560 --> 0:06:34.000 they have gone through. So it's it's or or brain 0:06:34.160 --> 0:06:36.840 or trauma. Brain trauma. Brain injury can bring this along 0:06:36.880 --> 0:06:39.200 too as well, so it's a lot of different ways 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:42.839 to experience it. So that's what happened to me. UM 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:45.919 and I just decided like I hated the feeling. I 0:06:45.960 --> 0:06:47.880 didn't like being on the train and not known what 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:49.800 I just everything was weird. I was scared to come 0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:52.280 out of my room. I was scared to walk outside. 0:06:52.400 --> 0:06:56.559 I was scared to um, um, look beyond the train 0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:58.960 and was looking around and everything just seemed so familiar. 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:00.440 It was like I was on a whole another planet. 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:04.920 It's just for weird fucking things, very bizarre. And so 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:07.120 I was like, yo, I don't want to feel like this. 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:09.359 What can I do? And then I just started googling. 0:07:09.400 --> 0:07:11.640 You know, when we're not feeling good, we always webin 0:07:11.720 --> 0:07:16.680 d we all come profession yeah, we all become professional doctors. 0:07:17.160 --> 0:07:19.560 And so I just started to do my research and 0:07:19.880 --> 0:07:21.760 was figuring out that there was a community of people 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:26.160 out there. I wasn't noticing any black people, um, and 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:28.400 I'm like, yo, where are the black folks? Like, somebody 0:07:28.400 --> 0:07:29.960 else got to be going through this ship. It can't 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:32.080 just be all white people in the UK, because that's 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:35.640 what I kept finding. But this British Yeah, I was like, 0:07:35.800 --> 0:07:37.720 is this a British thing? Like what it is? It's 0:07:37.760 --> 0:07:42.600 like like so um, So yeah, I started to do 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:45.040 my research. Um, I started to figure out. I got 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:46.560 to the point when I was like, okay, so this 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:48.800 is anxiety, so boom check it. This is what we're 0:07:48.800 --> 0:07:50.800 gonna do. I'm gonna figure this out. What do I 0:07:50.800 --> 0:07:52.920 gotta do to like just lower my anxiety. How do 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:55.920 I try to, um, you know, heal this or recover 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:58.880 from this? And so I, you know, started teaching myself tools. 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:02.760 I found books, I found people. I started analog girl. UM, 0:08:02.800 --> 0:08:04.600 I was in the talks at that time with a 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:08.520 network with actually loudspeaker, UM to have my own podcast. There. 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:10.600 Blew that ship in the ground because I was I 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:16.680 was so the personalized. My pilot was trash because you 0:08:16.760 --> 0:08:19.640 just weren't even I was not there. I was, I don't, 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:22.880 I was in outer space somewhere. I was gone. So UM, 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:26.920 I lost that opportunity. UM. And let me ask you this, 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:29.239 just because I'm curious to know. Was there a triggering 0:08:29.280 --> 0:08:31.120 event for you and only you know, share as much 0:08:31.120 --> 0:08:33.440 as you're comfortable with or not. Was this something that 0:08:33.480 --> 0:08:35.160 you dealt with off and on for years and twenty 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:37.040 eight team was just when it went to the next level? 0:08:37.280 --> 0:08:39.559 Or did it come out of nowhere? Not? Yeah? So 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.319 I remember my very first panic attack. I remember having 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:48.720 um my uh, sophomore year in college. I remember having 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:51.280 the panic attack but not really knowing what it was. 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:54.559 And I think what triggered me And it's oddly it's 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:58.760 so weird, is that, um Aaliyah dying because she was 0:08:58.800 --> 0:09:01.920 so close an age with me. UM, I was very 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:04.400 traumatized by that, Like I got really scared and started 0:09:04.400 --> 0:09:09.400 to question more mortality at that point. So UM, Prior 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:11.640 to that, I had experienced trauma in my life and 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:14.320 I have a lot of things that have happened, but 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:17.640 I was able to, UM, you know, I guess sweep 0:09:17.679 --> 0:09:21.160 that stuff under the rug. So when the when I 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:24.040 started to have to be faced with mortality is when 0:09:24.080 --> 0:09:27.040 I started to become really like, oh God, what does 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:29.000 this mean. I'm not I'm not gonna be on earth forever. 0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:32.240 That stuff started to ruminating. Thoughts started to hap when 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:34.719 Elia died. So I think that was the first time 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:38.760 I experienced a panic attack. UM. And then it happened again, 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:42.160 UM in my older age, when I've had friends, UM 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:46.160 who have more close to me that passed away. So UM, 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:48.720 I think that it's always been in my life, but 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:51.280 it really hit the fan for me in two thousand 0:09:51.240 --> 0:09:53.440 and eighteen, and I guess, you know, my body was 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:55.800 just like, Okay, enough, it's enough. You gotta figure this out, 0:09:56.080 --> 0:09:58.439 you know. So I just started going to therapy. I 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:02.120 was reading up on stuff I started in a little girl. Uh, 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:04.679 you know, it was just working out and changing my diets. 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:06.640 So I was just trying to get myself together that way. 0:10:07.240 --> 0:10:10.120 Um and you know, and then people started coming to 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:12.400 me saying, Yo, your story is crazy because I was 0:10:12.440 --> 0:10:14.559 going through the same thing. Never had I seen a 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:16.760 black woman talk about this, so thank you, you know, 0:10:16.840 --> 0:10:18.720 so it just helped me to move forward and keep 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:23.480 going telling my story. It's beautiful and amazing that you 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:25.920 have been able to take that part of your story 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:28.880 and really reclaim it, right like that could easily have 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:31.480 gripped you, taken ahold of you and become who you are. 0:10:31.880 --> 0:10:34.120 But instead of that, it's how do I work with 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:37.240 this and help other people also, which is what I 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:38.719 want to get into, and just a little bit with 0:10:38.760 --> 0:10:41.800 the analog girl. Um, but first just sort of diving 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:43.800 in for someone who may be listening and feeling like 0:10:43.880 --> 0:10:46.160 holds up, but she's explaining it sounds a lot like 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:48.880 what I'm going through right now. What what all did 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:51.959 that feel like? Not even in those um specific moments 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:54.280 where maybe you were having an obvious panic attack or 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:57.160 anxiety attack, but just your day to day, your career, 0:10:57.240 --> 0:10:59.640 you were a project manager at the time when you 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:01.120 were dealing in with a lot of this, right, how 0:11:01.120 --> 0:11:05.640 did that affect your work? To fight me? So I 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:09.559 don't know how to what How long you got? Like 0:11:09.600 --> 0:11:11.960 how long you got? When I tell you, I mean 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.960 I went through the wringer when it comes what were 0:11:15.000 --> 0:11:17.960 you doing that? Whatening? It looked like a damn deer 0:11:18.000 --> 0:11:19.880 and headlights in the middle of that. And in the meeting, 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:22.360 like I don't know what the funk they're saying to me, 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:24.760 like you know what I'm saying. And as a project manager, 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:26.800 you gotta like be on your p's and ques and 0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:30.000 really like I was losting the source. I remember talking 0:11:30.000 --> 0:11:32.040 to one guy and in the meeting, I was just like, 0:11:32.080 --> 0:11:34.000 you know, I just don't feel reel so that he 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:36.120 was giving me the face like he did not back 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:40.200 and what he was like backing U away from me, 0:11:40.280 --> 0:11:42.080 Like I don't know what then, And I was the 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:45.840 only black girl, so of course they like don't let 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:47.960 in and that and just don't know how to act 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:53.680 place now like you know, in the first place, yeah, 0:11:53.960 --> 0:11:56.600 just got there, had just got there, so you know, 0:11:56.840 --> 0:11:58.920 it was crazy and I laughed about it now, but 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:01.920 I was just really bucking out. I was really bugging 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:05.120 out and um so I remember even one day, like 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:07.960 the vice president president, she was like, we need to 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:09.960 have a one on one because like you're not producing 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:12.320 any work. Like I literally was coming to work and 0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:14.640 just sitting there staring like I don't know what the 0:12:14.720 --> 0:12:18.439 funk I'm doing. I don't understand anything. Because also to 0:12:18.640 --> 0:12:22.320 like I was still going on and I was having 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:25.920 all these existential crises thoughts, like thinking I was dead 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:28.640 or was gonna die or was dying. It was just 0:12:28.760 --> 0:12:32.600 so crazy. And then at the same time, I had 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:36.600 another friend who was close to me die um suddenly 0:12:36.760 --> 0:12:39.200 after we had just went to Essence Festival, so like 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:44.360 that was all compounded into one. And so she pulled 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:46.080 me in for the one on one and I was 0:12:46.360 --> 0:12:49.439 crying like crazy, just tell her how I don't know 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:51.400 what's going on with me, like I really, and she 0:12:51.440 --> 0:12:53.480 says she was gonna give me a chance, and like 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:56.440 I'll give you a month. And she didn't advocate for me. 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.720 Hr didn't give a fuck, Like they was just like whatever, 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:02.080 And and did you you told them you felt like 0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:03.440 it was a yeah, I felt like it was a 0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:05.960 mental health thing. She they didn't offer me no help, 0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:09.240 no services. They just basically clowned me. They was talking 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:12.160 about me. Um. They would go getting their little clicks 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:14.600 and laugh at me, and I knew they was, but 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:16.360 at that point I was just like, I mean, I'm 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:18.040 used to getting tease and all that kind of ship. 0:13:18.200 --> 0:13:20.960 So I was just like whatever, you know, like I 0:13:21.000 --> 0:13:22.800 gotta just figure out what the hell is going on. 0:13:22.920 --> 0:13:25.320 And then finally she was like, yeah, we're gonna let 0:13:25.360 --> 0:13:28.000 you go. So I was like, well, before you let 0:13:28.000 --> 0:13:29.760 me go, can I at least get two months pay? 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:32.600 Because like, you know, you guys, really I was telling 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:35.520 you about my mental health situation, and you guys laughed. 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:37.400 You thought I was you know, you thought it was 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:40.520 a joke. And so they did. They gave me two 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:44.160 months pay. They old me nasty asses and microaggression and 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:49.040 everything else. And I started to freelance and then I 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:50.600 had a lot of free time, and that's how I 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:53.160 was able to you know, work on Analog Girl and 0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:56.320 like build that from the ground up, like asking realizing 0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:59.480 that I blew to the opportunity without speaking. So that's 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:02.640 what happened, right, Yeah, Okay, I'm interested when you talk 0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:04.960 about you know the fact that you raise your concerns 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:08.120 about your mental health to your colleagues, to your boss, 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:11.679 and then that kind of went unanswered and eventually it 0:14:11.760 --> 0:14:13.760 kind of shot you in the foot, right. We want 0:14:13.800 --> 0:14:16.560 to feel like we can have a safe space at 0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:18.240 work to talk about our health if we show up 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:20.080 with a broken back or I need two weeks out 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:23.880 because I'm contagious or whatever. It's like, okay, but I've 0:14:23.880 --> 0:14:25.960 even hesitated with that where I'm like, I need a 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:28.920 mental health day and it's worse than if I was 0:14:28.960 --> 0:14:31.960 sick or the flu or whatever it is. But the 0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:35.160 hesitation comes in because you don't trust that people will 0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:39.120 take that as seriously as we do the physical stuff. 0:14:39.480 --> 0:14:42.280 So I'm curious to know what you would say to 0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:46.160 someone who might be dealing with that hesitation for good reason, 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:48.600 because it doesn't always win end well to go to 0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:52.120 your boss and say I need a mental health break. Okay, 0:14:52.160 --> 0:14:54.960 so I really again, you know, I always have the 0:14:54.960 --> 0:14:57.600 preface like I'm not a professional. Analog girl is not 0:14:57.720 --> 0:15:01.600 a professional thing, okay. Always got to say analog girls 0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:04.600 brought about to talk about my own personal experiences because 0:15:04.680 --> 0:15:08.720 it helps to be relatable to other people. So I 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:12.960 don't think all the time it is it behooves you 0:15:13.000 --> 0:15:15.840 to share it with your employer. I don't think so. 0:15:16.240 --> 0:15:19.560 And I think that you have to know what You 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:22.320 gotta go test out what HR is about. What what 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:24.840 are there? What are what's important to them? You know 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:26.680 what I mean? What are there? What are they stepped 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:28.440 there and put their neck out for you know what 0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:31.640 I mean? And that organization, how do they feel about 0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:34.120 you as a black person there, you know what I mean? 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:37.000 Or did they just start saying, oh, race to to 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:39.560 health equity for black people or race to you know, 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:42.440 get fifty people of color in our organization and by 0:15:42.480 --> 0:15:45.160 the year did they just start doing that? So you 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:47.400 have to evaluate that and see like how much do 0:15:47.480 --> 0:15:50.440 they really care about us? And then how much do 0:15:50.480 --> 0:15:54.840 they really care about mental health? So I think that 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:56.640 you have to you know, engauge that and if you 0:15:56.680 --> 0:15:59.640 have a relationship with your supervisor boss thing, yeah, I 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:02.720 would they bring it up otherwise I personally, if you 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:05.560 need that money and you need that job, start going 0:16:05.560 --> 0:16:09.240 to therapy, start figuring out another job, Start figuring out 0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:13.160 what your passion is um start figuring out your exit strategy. 0:16:13.400 --> 0:16:16.320 Because if it is not, it's not helping you and 0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:19.200 it's making you worse, and you also don't feel like 0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:21.440 you have a support system there, then that's not a 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:23.840 place for you to work. That's how I feel. So 0:16:24.040 --> 0:16:27.320 by them letting me go was a blessing and I 0:16:27.360 --> 0:16:31.400 felt so relieved on that day. I was ashamed, but 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:33.840 at the same time, I was like, you know what now, 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:35.960 it's like, now what now? Let me hit the ground 0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:38.960 running and figure it out for myself. You know, like 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:42.160 I've been homeless before us I can do this, you 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:44.000 know what I'm saying. So I got into that mode. 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.160 Um So I do believe that sometimes if you do 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:49.240 have that support system, you can say something, but then 0:16:49.240 --> 0:16:52.520 sometimes you can't. Yeah, I appreciate you keeping it real 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:55.240 about it because honestly, that's how I feel. I would 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:56.600 love to get out here and be like, just go 0:16:56.680 --> 0:16:58.320 to your boss, and that's what they're there for. In 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:01.560 h I learned a while go under different circumstances. That 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:05.440 is not what that's not a protect the company and 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:08.600 do what benefits the company. So because they will look 0:17:08.640 --> 0:17:11.640 at you as a threat, that's exactly it. And then 0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:16.720 their job oftentimes is to eliminate threats for the corporation. Um, 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:19.200 but that that's that's a really good advice. You talk 0:17:19.240 --> 0:17:22.160 about having a really good or strong support network. I'm 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:24.160 curious to know when you were going through the thick 0:17:24.200 --> 0:17:27.600 of it, did your relationships suffer? And then also what 0:17:27.680 --> 0:17:29.719 was the advice you got from family and friends. You know, 0:17:29.760 --> 0:17:32.720 particularly in the black community, there's there's been traditionally so 0:17:32.800 --> 0:17:37.760 much stigma around mental health, around therapy, around talking to people. 0:17:37.920 --> 0:17:40.320 I grew up with the mindset of we don't we 0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:42.280 just get we just get it done, we just keep 0:17:42.280 --> 0:17:44.480 it moving, like we don't really do too much talking 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:47.520 about stuff. And I've had to grow out of that 0:17:47.720 --> 0:17:50.600 and unlearned so many of those behaviors. What was that 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:54.360 like for you? Um? So, my mom, I'm a preacher's kid. 0:17:54.440 --> 0:17:56.919 My mom is about that life with the Bible and 0:17:56.960 --> 0:17:59.760 the prayer and the oil. Okay, and that's what let 0:17:59.800 --> 0:18:03.240 me tell get that holy oil right now. My gretty 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:06.000 stayed with a bottle. Just be ready to get it 0:18:06.400 --> 0:18:09.000 and listen. And I was like, I want you to 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:10.520 get it because I don't know what the hell is 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:12.720 going on right now. Get the oil. As a matter 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:18.439 of fact, just that's my whole body and that ship. Okay. 0:18:18.560 --> 0:18:23.679 Moisturized me. So my mom was definitely there for me. Um. 0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:25.679 She was there for me from day one. She was 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:27.720 had to get into bed and sleeping me and rocked 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:31.399 me to sleep because I was so scared to fall asleep. UM. 0:18:31.520 --> 0:18:33.800 My heart would be racing so bad. She would fill 0:18:33.840 --> 0:18:35.800 my pulse in my hands and she would just start 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:37.919 praying and be like, you know, you gotta You're not 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:39.679 telling me to calm down, because she knew all the 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:41.720 right things to say, but she was just basically soothing 0:18:41.760 --> 0:18:45.040 me and rocking me until I would fall asleep. And 0:18:45.119 --> 0:18:47.280 my mom stayed with me about a week and then 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:49.280 she looked at me and she was like, it's time, 0:18:49.480 --> 0:18:52.800 because now you have to get yourself through this. Um. 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:55.199 So my mom was just very supportive in that and 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:59.720 just um just nurturing me in that and then also 0:18:59.800 --> 0:19:02.840 let you know she experienced something like this before too, 0:19:02.840 --> 0:19:05.640 in her young in her younger age, UM, and how 0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:08.280 she dealt with it. UM. I also had a friend 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:10.199 who came out to me and was like, Yo, I 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:12.200 was going through this all last year. I just never 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:15.840 said anything. So now I'm like what, Like I never 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:18.520 said nothing, Like I was telling any of everybody who 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.680 would listening because I wanted to know what was going on, 0:19:21.920 --> 0:19:23.720 and I was just like, this is so crazy to me. 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:26.919 So you know, people just started to open up and 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:29.040 talk to me and tell me what they were going through, 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:32.800 um as far as relationships and now, listen, I was 0:19:32.840 --> 0:19:36.200 in a situation ship he had to go because Snick 0:19:36.320 --> 0:19:42.040 started having sex with other people immediately. I don't immediately, 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:44.760 because who got time to have sex when they think 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:50.920 they're dying? You know, I'm saying, so like that's a 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:53.800 valid question, like who got talk for that? This ain't 0:19:53.880 --> 0:19:57.080 the movies, like not really trying to survive, hello, because 0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:58.720 you don't know those movies that they have to talk 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:00.879 to tomorrow or whatever. They middle the war, it was 0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:03.560 fine time to you know, shoot at the club. Like nah, 0:20:03.600 --> 0:20:06.359 I was not doing none of that. So you know, 0:20:06.440 --> 0:20:08.639 he went on and was doing him and then he 0:20:08.680 --> 0:20:11.840 wasn't believing me, and he was just in denial about 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:14.080 the whole thing, Like he was just looking at me like, so, 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:16.320