WEBVTT - Joy 101: Jefferson Fisher 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:13.800 Hi, guys, Welcome to Joy one oh one the podcast. 0:00:13.840 --> 0:00:19.040 I'm so happy that you're here. We are midsummer and 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:24.360 I was just thinking about one on one time in life. 0:00:26.480 --> 0:00:30.760 You know how sometimes you do family vacations or family dinners, 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:33.760 or you go with your friends, et cetera. And I 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:38.159 did something last week where I took my sixteen year 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.879 old niece on a little mini vacation, just the two 0:00:40.920 --> 0:00:45.879 of us, and we'd never done that before, and it 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:51.040 was one of these spectacular vacations, not because of where 0:00:51.040 --> 0:00:54.360 we went or what we did, because we were together. 0:00:54.440 --> 0:00:58.440 And she asked me during the vacation, I was like, 0:00:58.440 --> 0:00:59.960 what was your favorite part? She said, oh, I love this. 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:02.440 I love this. And then she said, well, what was 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:06.039 your favorite part? And I said, my favorite part was 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:11.399 watching you and watching her kind of come out of 0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:16.000 her shell, watching her blossom, listening to her talk about school, 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:20.840 about life, about boys, about everything. And I realized, had 0:01:20.880 --> 0:01:25.360 it not been for that time together alone, we would 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:29.640 have never had that conversation. She would have been seventeen, 0:01:29.760 --> 0:01:32.000 and then she would have gone off to college and then, 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:35.160 you know, life rolls on. So it was a reminder 0:01:35.240 --> 0:01:39.080 to me, and just today, in fact, I'm in our office. 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:41.959 My seven year old came here to my office to 0:01:42.000 --> 0:01:44.960 spend part of the day with me. So I think 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:46.959 whenever we carve up time, which we all have to 0:01:47.080 --> 0:01:49.280 all the time, it's the way we live. But I 0:01:49.280 --> 0:01:52.280 think every now and then, taking out some time to 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:55.920 do something individually, to do something one on one. And 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.840 I feel like I learned stuff too. I'm not, like 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:03.400 you know, miss aunt Hody, the advice giver. I feel 0:02:03.440 --> 0:02:05.600 like I was on the receiving end, and I learned 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:07.800 a lot about her. I also learned that the less 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:11.680 I talk, the more she talks. I learned that she 0:02:11.720 --> 0:02:16.240 has tons of wisdom my niece does. I learned that 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:18.239 not everyone's going to be on my schedule. I like 0:02:18.280 --> 0:02:20.720 to get up early and exercise, and she kind of 0:02:20.720 --> 0:02:23.639 got up later. But I realized we met in the middle. 0:02:23.960 --> 0:02:26.480 So good advice is so important and it can come 0:02:26.480 --> 0:02:29.639 from everywhere. And I'm so excited about my next guest, 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:33.280 because if you want to talk good advice, I've got 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:40.120 two words for you. Jefferson Fisher. Jefferson Fisher. Okay, so 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:43.080 some of you may know Jefferson Fisher already. He's a 0:02:43.080 --> 0:02:45.959 former trial attorney. He actually still is a trial attorney. 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:51.799 But he started giving great life advice, advice about boundaries, 0:02:51.840 --> 0:02:54.800 about saying no, about how to ask for a raise, 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:59.520 all these things. So, in his words, he started off 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:01.840 as an atturne, which is an observer of people in 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:04.959 a way to argue, and he realized that arguing doesn't win, 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:07.880 but listening often does. So he said God kind of 0:03:07.919 --> 0:03:11.560 steered him into this other profession. I heard him on 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:14.720 the Mel Robbins podcast and on Diary of a CEO 0:03:14.760 --> 0:03:17.600 and a bunch of other places, and now I can't 0:03:17.639 --> 0:03:22.680 unsee him, and I have this beautiful conversation with Jefferson. 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:26.640 He taught me things. He has great advice. If you 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:31.720 are in a relationship and not communicating, Jefferson Fisher is 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:34.440 your guy. If you are concerned about how am I 0:03:34.440 --> 0:03:36.560 going to ask my boss for a raise? I'm too afraid. 0:03:36.680 --> 0:03:40.800 Jefferson Fisher is the guy. If you're somebody who's just 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:42.960 trying to put some boundaries up because you're saying yes 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:46.040 to everybody and you're like an empty vessel, Jefferson Fisher 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:48.760 is your guy. So I hope you enjoyed this conversation 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:53.800 with Jefferson Fisher. Okay, First of all, I'm so happy 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:57.360 to be with you for multiple reasons. Number one, you're 0:03:57.400 --> 0:04:02.080 so funny because the minute I saw you somewhere on 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:06.320 Insta or whatever, you're all I see now. Like it's 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:10.560 like when I wanted to buy a Toyota Siena, all 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:12.200 I could now all I ever see on the hume, 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:15.400 Like there's another Oh my god, They're everywhere. So you're everywhere, 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:19.440 which I think is so cool. Tell me about whether 0:04:19.839 --> 0:04:24.280 you hit the scene as kind of an explosion and 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:27.479 then you're here or was it a slow build? Because 0:04:27.520 --> 0:04:30.960 if you're looking for advice on how to speak to people, 0:04:31.080 --> 0:04:34.400 how to be calm, all boundaries, you seem to have 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:37.159 a ton of answers. So how did you make your 0:04:37.240 --> 0:04:40.000 emergence onto this onto this platform. 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:44.400 Oh I started probably a little over three years ago 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:49.720 or so, and I just an attorney and I'm still 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.520 an attorney. My wife's an attorney. They're two young kids. 0:04:53.160 --> 0:04:56.000 And right around that time, I thought, well, I wanted 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:59.039 I was at a big defense firm and I wanted 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:01.800 to go off and do my own thing in my 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:04.960 late twenties, like I can do this, and so at 0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:07.200 that time I thought, well, I need to be on 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:11.479 social media, and so I started making videos shortly after 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:14.680 on like what can I make that's just content for 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:17.400 good in the world. You know, there's no shortage of 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:19.840 good things in the world, So how can I just help? 0:05:19.880 --> 0:05:23.160 And I thought, well, people think that attorneys know how 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:25.760 to argue, so I was like, how can I I 0:05:25.800 --> 0:05:28.200 made a video on how to argue like an attorney. 0:05:28.200 --> 0:05:30.080 But it was different than most people think. You know, 0:05:30.120 --> 0:05:32.960 instead of trying to win, is trying to understand. And 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:36.840 I think there's a lot of contrast there. And I 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:39.960 gave advice on not only my own personal experience and 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:43.760 a fifth generation attorney, so everybody in my family is 0:05:43.800 --> 0:05:46.719 an attorney, and then you know, if you've been married, 0:05:46.760 --> 0:05:48.960 if you have kids, there's a lot of lessons there 0:05:49.680 --> 0:05:53.520 my faith as well, and so I just started answering 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:55.840 questions and I never in a million years old I 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:57.960 thought this is where it would be. There was never 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:00.000 a let me go online and this is what I'm 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:02.560 working towards and art one, YEAHN have this no it 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:07.520 in like I barely put some stuff out and then 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:09.599 it just went nuts boom. 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:12.839 Well, you have like almost seven million followers. I was 0:06:12.839 --> 0:06:15.839 looking at I was like, wait, what I mean? This 0:06:15.880 --> 0:06:18.200 is crazy, But I did have to go way back 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:20.600 because I love to look for a commencement address. I 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:23.240 always feel like that that's a real tell. And no 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:25.000 matter who I interview, I'm like, I wonder if they've 0:06:25.040 --> 0:06:27.640 ever given a commencement address. Well, I saw one that 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:32.240 you gave at your own school, and you were first 0:06:32.279 --> 0:06:37.440 of all adorable. Secondly your timing and your humor. So 0:06:37.640 --> 0:06:41.000 I know your advice works. But life, I feel like, 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:44.680 especially in this field of communication, which I'm intimately familiar 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:47.120 with too, it's like a lot of things are about 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:49.440 timing and how you go about it. When you were 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:53.400 a little kid, was this just one of your things, 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:56.040 like you you had that thing, people laughed when you 0:06:56.080 --> 0:06:56.960 said things. 0:06:57.480 --> 0:06:59.760 Yeah, I was definitely. I was definitely a ham. 0:07:01.360 --> 0:07:04.520 You know, I see myself and my son now, who 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:07.200 is the exact you know, exact same way. I put 0:07:07.200 --> 0:07:11.440 on a lot of little performances. I had like little 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:16.360 mock trials and I did montrial even competitively in college. 0:07:16.360 --> 0:07:19.200 But yeah, it was definitely something that's that's always kind 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:24.400 of been there and to see this kind of turn 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:27.760 into that path because a lot of it is also creative, 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:31.520 in some sense of how you come up with videos 0:07:31.520 --> 0:07:34.160 and how can I distill things and make it really 0:07:34.760 --> 0:07:39.080 practical and digestible. And so it's funny how God's going 0:07:39.160 --> 0:07:42.040 to just use these gifts in a way that says, Okay, 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:43.880 you started in law, but I'm going to. 0:07:44.200 --> 0:07:45.960 Switch you over to start this. 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:47.000 Yeah. 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:49.440 And so it's it's just been a really full circle 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:53.120 moment that I just never ever, you know, I feel 0:07:53.120 --> 0:07:55.800 like some people get you know, they climb towards something, 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:57.840 and other people get pushed towards something. And that was 0:07:57.920 --> 0:08:01.680 definitely mine where I I just never I had a 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:04.480 friend oda I'm not kidding. When I was on Instagram 0:08:04.560 --> 0:08:06.640 right before I started making videos at a friend who 0:08:06.720 --> 0:08:09.800 was another attorney, and he had a thousand followers on Instagram, 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:11.480 and I was like, a thousand followers. 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:13.960 How could you ever get a thousand followers? 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:16.280 Because everybody I had was just friends from you know, 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:17.760 high school, yeah, in law school. 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:21.720 Yeah, your people. What I love about this is what's 0:08:21.760 --> 0:08:24.120 interesting to me about you is you're an attorney, and 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:26.600 attorneys know how to argue or and as you said, 0:08:26.720 --> 0:08:30.440 now to understand the person your opposite, your opposite from. 0:08:31.000 --> 0:08:33.439 But I feel like the stuff you're talking about is 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:36.840 nothing about that. I mean, it is about communicating, but 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:41.520 it's really about life. It's about connecting, it's about understanding. 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:45.360 It's more in your it's more like spirit and in 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:48.440 your you know, being as opposed to how am I 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:51.880 going to organize these thoughts so I can say it 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:55.200 in the right way? I mean, so what some of 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:58.559 the worst communicators I know I connect with soul to soul. 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.600 You know, you feel the vibe. I mean there are 0:09:01.640 --> 0:09:04.160 certain people jeffersone and I walk in a room, I 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:06.800 feel totally at ease. And there are some people I 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:09.560 may or may not know them. I feel kind of 0:09:09.679 --> 0:09:11.560 like my back's up? 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:12.440 What? 0:09:12.720 --> 0:09:15.080 And I'm sure you've had these kind of feelings in 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:18.360 the courtroom and among friends. Why is it that there 0:09:18.360 --> 0:09:21.280 are people who instantly put us at ease? We're like, oh, 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:23.959 I like that person. I don't know them, but I like. 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:30.240 Yeah, it has something to do with part charisma. Yeah, 0:09:30.440 --> 0:09:34.880 I think it's deeper than that, because charisma is not 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:40.520 something you can exactly. You can you can say charismatic things. 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:43.800 You can give compliments, you can you know, give things 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:45.800 with with hunting instead of vinegar. 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:47.480 Warmth is something different. 0:09:47.679 --> 0:09:51.920 Warmth is a is a feeling that needs no words, 0:09:52.240 --> 0:09:53.880 that they just all of. 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:56.560 A sudden, your shoulders relax. If I were. 0:09:56.400 --> 0:10:01.400 To ask you, what's some in your past where you 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:04.520 just you have to like? For me, I can go 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:09.640 back to being in my grandparents' living room and I 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:12.760 can feel the texture of the couch and I can't 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:16.600 smell it, and I just know when my grandmother came in, 0:10:16.720 --> 0:10:20.319 she just put me at ease. Right, I just hey, baby, 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:22.520 come here, come here, darling, like you're just you're good. 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:28.120 And there's certain people in your life that whenever the 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:34.360 world's really reactive, they they stay just steady. And you look, 0:10:34.440 --> 0:10:39.360 we're always looking for these anchors in personalities that when 0:10:39.400 --> 0:10:42.480 the ship's rocking, don't you don't want to go for 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:44.400 the person who's really reactive. You're looking for the person 0:10:44.440 --> 0:10:47.240 who's really steady. And when they can bring that warmth 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:51.960 that is it's just a glow about them that you go, 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.880 I don't I can't put my finger on it, but 0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:59.760 there's something about their personality that says I'm safe, I'm welcome, 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:02.840 and I'm enough. And when you find that person in 0:11:02.880 --> 0:11:05.400 your life, you cling to them because we know what 0:11:05.440 --> 0:11:07.840 it's like on the opposite, when there's that person that 0:11:08.200 --> 0:11:13.240 whenever you're around your anxiety spikes, you feel more. Everything 0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:16.960 just feels off kilter and you feel emotionally reactive. 0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:18.680 It's the people. 0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:21.240 That decide that they want to spend the time with you, 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:29.480 and usually they're a lot slower and the way they enunciate, yeah, yeah, 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:30.840 that's the cue. 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:33.880 By the way, that's so interesting. I had an instant 0:11:34.000 --> 0:11:37.400 parenting thought when you said that, because there was one 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:40.880 day My daughter Haley will never hear this, so what 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:45.040 do I care? So she was throwing things in the 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:47.240 trash that mattered to me. It was one of those 0:11:47.320 --> 0:11:50.040 days where she was in some kind of defiance. So 0:11:50.559 --> 0:11:52.600 there was a poem that I loved. She took it, 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:54.800 dropped in the track, and I sat on the couch 0:11:54.840 --> 0:11:58.520 and I was calm, okay. Then she took my computer 0:11:59.120 --> 0:12:02.640 and put it in a trash can. I called. I 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:04.959 sat there. It was like I was thinking about people 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:07.280 who used to sit at lunch counters, not to compare, 0:12:07.480 --> 0:12:11.160 but quiet resistance. I'm like, I'm gonna be the eye 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:14.600 of the hurricane right here. I'm gonna be hotally camped. 0:12:14.840 --> 0:12:17.760 And after about ten minutes, she pulled everything out. She 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:19.960 came over on the couch, she sat with me, and 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:23.079 she's cuddled with me and said, oh, you know, I'm sorry, 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:25.640 and then explained whatever was bothering her at the time. 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:28.840 But do you use this in parenting because you have 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:31.360 a six and eight year old? Yeah, and I know 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:33.800 that that must be one of the things that helps. 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:37.960 Oh yeah, it's always knowing that for the most part, 0:12:38.559 --> 0:12:43.640 we're just big kids. And so like my daughter this morning, 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:46.880 we're under a huge jet lag. My daughter is just 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:50.320 in tears this morning, and there's no anything that she 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:51.680 would typically like to eat. 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:53.960 Besides, she now hates right and. 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:59.360 She's short tempered, super whiny, and just like you, we 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:04.000 could have come in and said you have to fall 0:13:04.080 --> 0:13:08.840 under what I say is acceptable and not acceptable. But 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:12.360 with the children, it's the same when they were a baby. 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:15.800 You know, when they're screaming, it's like you're not going 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:18.199 to get mad that they're crying. It's you go, Okay, 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:21.840 I see that they're hungry, they're tired, just those two 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:26.680 right there, Yes, they're they're they're overwhelmed by something. It's 0:13:26.679 --> 0:13:29.960 the same for for us, and so it helps me 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:32.600 so much and especially in my kids. 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:34.880 I see so much of myself. 0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:39.000 In them that not only had me more getting more 0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:43.320 compassion for myself because it's like, why would I would 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:45.839 I talk to my kids the same way I talk 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:48.520 to myself, you know sometimes, And so that that does 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:53.120 checks and balances of knowing that when she was starting 0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:57.080 complain and she didn't want the cereal bar that she loves, 0:13:57.480 --> 0:13:59.760 I was like, you need me to hold you? Yes, 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:01.880 you know, I of course I'm holding her? 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:03.320 Are we just sleepy? 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:08.160 It's like that, right there is all they really need. 0:14:08.280 --> 0:14:10.000 And I think deep down a lot of times that's 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:14.600 it really is. All it comes comes down comes down 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:18.199 to it is we're still we're still looking for dealing 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:19.400 with those basic needs. 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:22.240 I think all the stuff you talk about when it 0:14:22.240 --> 0:14:25.680 comes to communication is so important because relationships fall apart 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:30.280 because of bad communication. Work, relationships go sideways because of 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:34.720 bad communication. I mean, you can and you think they 0:14:34.840 --> 0:14:39.600 understand you. You thought you communicated it, didn't you understand 0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:43.280 what I was saying when I said X? But will 0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:46.280 you talk to that point? Because I think some people 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:50.640 have trouble being completely clear. They assume the man they're 0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:54.840 with should understand their feelings or the boss that they're 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:58.480 dealing with, you know, should kind of get a B 0:14:58.640 --> 0:14:58.840 or C. 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:02.760 Yeah, there's this quote that I love that it says 0:15:03.240 --> 0:15:06.320 the number one problem with communication is the illusion that 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:07.280 it has taken place. 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:10.080 That's so good. 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:13.400 I think that is just gold because most of the time, 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:18.640 the biggest cause of miscommunication is what was said was 0:15:18.720 --> 0:15:24.280 not the thing that was heard. Okay, like I said this, 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:29.480 because you know what it's like in relationships, or somebody 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:31.960 replies back to you and they go, that's not what 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:34.200 I said, and you're like, yeah, that's exactly what you said. 0:15:34.360 --> 0:15:35.920 I wish I had it on camera. 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:38.720 I wish I had this recorded so you could see 0:15:38.880 --> 0:15:40.160 exactly how you said it. 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:44.960 And the truth is we are very bad. 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:52.080 Subjective, you know, judges of how we say things. We 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:54.360 hear it in our head, but we're not great at 0:15:55.760 --> 0:15:58.200 also accepting how it is. 0:15:58.120 --> 0:15:59.160 To receive it. 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:01.960 Communication is not just something said, it is it also 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:04.920 has to be received. And when you continue to give 0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:09.840 voice to only the unvoiced expectations and expect people to 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:12.040 read between the lines, you were just setting yourself up 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:14.640 for disappointment. Instead of saying, that's not what I said. 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:17.720 Turn that into tell me, tell me what you heard, 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:20.800 and tell me tell me what, tell me what you heard? 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:21.760 What what am I missing? 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:26.720 Yeah, when you stop to say, okay, there's a disconnect here, 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.280 let's talk about the disconnect instead of me telling you 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:32.720 how yeah numb you are, how much you don't care, 0:16:33.000 --> 0:16:36.000 how this is always you and you never listen. Instead 0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:39.120 of going towards the person, you say, okay, well, there 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:40.560 must be a disconnect here. 0:16:40.600 --> 0:16:41.240 Help me. 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:43.880 Let's stop and let's break it down. And though that 0:16:44.040 --> 0:16:46.640 sounds really simple to say, let's time out and let's 0:16:46.640 --> 0:16:50.280 talk about the process of how the communication is happening, 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:54.960 rather than talking about the content of the communication. It 0:16:55.080 --> 0:16:58.000 sounds simple, but it is. It is everything. When you're 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:00.440 able to break down and find where's the than not 0:17:00.640 --> 0:17:01.160 in the stream. 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:05.480 By the way, when you just said the thing about hey, wait, 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:09.240 tell me what you heard, my shoulders literally dropped down 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:15.119 because we've all been in the wait what but difficult conversations, 0:17:15.320 --> 0:17:18.160 all of them. I mean, I don't know how many 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:21.120 you've had in your lifetime. I've had a bunch too, 0:17:21.640 --> 0:17:26.920 where you have to have this conversation. But sometimes there's 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:29.520 a philosophy at least it wasn't our family growing up? 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:33.480 Is it will die on the vine eventually, so let 0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:36.040 it go. And you know, why are we going to 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.159 rock the boat? Everything is fine? You know, in the 0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:43.560 course of all the problems, this one ain't so big, 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:46.720 So we don't need to hash it out right. I 0:17:46.720 --> 0:17:50.160 think a lot of people just dust things away. Why 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:53.080 is it important to have these kind of conversations and 0:17:53.320 --> 0:17:55.320 when do they reach the level of, oh god, we 0:17:55.440 --> 0:17:56.199 have to have it. 0:17:57.000 --> 0:18:03.000 Yeah, it's definitely something that is generational. I would say, 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:06.560 I feel like here and now, in the times that 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:09.440 we live in, communication is more talked about than it's 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:12.720 ever been. Is that there's still that you know, hush, 0:18:12.840 --> 0:18:15.440 let's keep it under wraps. What would the neighbors think. 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:18.040 We can't let people know, you know, how we really 0:18:18.560 --> 0:18:21.479 really are, or we don't want to bring it up. 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:22.600 We don't want to ruin the moment. 0:18:22.880 --> 0:18:25.360 And we're all here together at this family thing because 0:18:25.960 --> 0:18:29.240 this grandparent is still alive, and we know once they're gone, 0:18:29.240 --> 0:18:33.400 we're all, you know, going our separate way. When when 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:38.800 you have all these unvoiced things and you bury them, 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:42.119 they are only sure to resurface years because we know 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:46.959 what that's like of parent relationships, especially that it's there 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:49.840 are people listening right now who don't probably communicate with 0:18:50.359 --> 0:18:53.840 their mom or their dad anymore because of all the 0:18:53.880 --> 0:18:58.440 things that was that were left unsaid like that, that 0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:04.359 misalignment in relationships, that miscommunication, that estrangement. It doesn't happen, 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:08.120 and one fell sweep like one big conversation usually happens 0:19:08.119 --> 0:19:11.240 because all of these little bitty paper cut conversations where 0:19:11.720 --> 0:19:16.359 a conversation could have happened, but it didn't. And so 0:19:17.119 --> 0:19:22.400 when you leave it unvoiced, those things grow. So how 0:19:22.400 --> 0:19:24.879 do you know when to bring something up to me? 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:27.400 It's always the next day rule. If I'm still carrying 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:30.800 it the next day. If I'm still carrying it the 0:19:30.840 --> 0:19:33.879 next day, time has a way of sifting priorities. And 0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:36.439 so if something's bothering me right now, it may not 0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:39.560 bother me in the morning. But if I wake up 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:42.119 and I'm still carrying it and it's still heavy on 0:19:42.160 --> 0:19:45.800 my heart, it's something that needs to be needs to 0:19:45.800 --> 0:19:48.320 be voiced. And when you can say, hey, I need 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:50.200 to tell you something that's been heavy on my heart, 0:19:50.720 --> 0:19:53.560 people listen when you say I need to tell you 0:19:53.560 --> 0:19:57.080 something that's been tugging on my heart. There's something about 0:19:57.320 --> 0:20:01.760 when you invoke the heart's difference between hold and me 0:20:01.800 --> 0:20:04.119 asking and saying, hey, how are you doing and me 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:07.920 or me asking hey, ho to how's your heart right, 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:11.040 there's something about you're not going to get the same answer, 0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:15.080 And so whenever you invoke the heart, I think that 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:17.320 has a way of getting right to the point of 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:19.760 the conversation rather than sweep in it under the rug. 0:20:20.480 --> 0:20:22.399 So if when you said that, there are people who 0:20:22.400 --> 0:20:25.680 haven't spoken to their parents, their mom, their dad, they're sibling, somebody, 0:20:25.720 --> 0:20:29.120 a best friend from years gone by. How if that's 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:32.560 the case and it's been a freeze out for you know, 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:37.600 a while, how do you go about repairing If it's 0:20:37.600 --> 0:20:39.400 on your heart, which I'm sure it is. When people 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:41.720 wake up and it's a birthday or it's whatever day, 0:20:42.240 --> 0:20:45.040 how do you even start the conversation of the process 0:20:45.720 --> 0:20:46.800 of thawing that. 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:49.080 I like the word aw. 0:20:50.640 --> 0:20:53.560 I like to follow this approach that I teach, and 0:20:53.600 --> 0:21:00.479 it's one beginning with the words I know. It sounds 0:21:00.520 --> 0:21:03.359 like I know there's distance between us. I know we 0:21:03.400 --> 0:21:06.560 haven't spoken in a while. I know things aren't how 0:21:06.560 --> 0:21:09.200 we both want them to be, right, it's it's it's 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:12.800 saying the already understated. You know it's all we already 0:21:12.840 --> 0:21:15.560 both know. We don't have to voice it. It's unspoken. 0:21:16.920 --> 0:21:21.520 Two is I'm not this is where you address, you 0:21:21.680 --> 0:21:25.680 forecast what they're already thinking about the conversation, the rebuttal, 0:21:26.160 --> 0:21:28.520 So it would be you know, I know there's a 0:21:28.560 --> 0:21:32.280 distance between us. I'm not asking you to apologize. I'm 0:21:32.280 --> 0:21:37.199 not bringing things, rehash old wounds. I'm not trying to 0:21:38.200 --> 0:21:41.439 It is I'm not your addressing that. And three is 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:46.200 I'm ready, And it's not I'm ready to talk, because 0:21:46.240 --> 0:21:47.800 nobody probably wants to hear you talk. 0:21:47.880 --> 0:21:51.200 It's I'm ready to listen, right, Oh, I'm ready to listen. 0:21:51.600 --> 0:21:53.960 It's not i'm ready to talk. I'm ready to listen. 0:21:54.600 --> 0:21:57.240 And there's something about somebody saying I'm ready to listen 0:21:58.760 --> 0:22:02.440 makes them want to lean into it more because now 0:22:02.480 --> 0:22:06.240 you're an empty cup, right Instead of saying, hey, I 0:22:06.280 --> 0:22:08.359 have a full glass and I'm ready to splash it 0:22:08.400 --> 0:22:11.360 on you whenever you're ready, it's it's it's me saying, hey, 0:22:11.400 --> 0:22:14.240 I am I'm an empty vessel right now. I know 0:22:14.280 --> 0:22:16.679 things are not where we want them to be, and 0:22:17.000 --> 0:22:19.800 I am. I'm not at all interested in trying to 0:22:19.840 --> 0:22:25.600 rehash the past. I'm ready to listen whenever, whenever you are. 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:30.120 And so there's something about that that incorporates that element 0:22:30.520 --> 0:22:34.480