Speaker 1: School of Humans. Wow, huge news. This is an episode
Speaker 1: of American filth that is slightly relevant to the current moment,
Speaker 1: to current events. And by slightly relevant, I mean it
Speaker 1: would have been great if I did this like three
Speaker 1: weeks ago. But you know what, that's why I do
Speaker 1: a history podcast, so I don't have to be on
Speaker 1: top of the news. You know, I can live in
Speaker 1: the filth of the past to escape the horrors of
Speaker 1: the present. Ah. But the news that I'm talking about
Speaker 1: is that the CEO of Kellogg's, you know, the cereal brand,
Speaker 1: said that to save money, poor people should eat cereal
Speaker 1: for dinner. Wow. Can you believe a rich person is
Speaker 1: out of touch? Weird? They're usually so on the pulse.
Speaker 1: But if we look at history, this isn't the weirdest
Speaker 1: thing that a person affiliated with Kellogg's has said. In fact,
Speaker 1: Kellogg the man, that's John Harvey Kellogg, who was one
Speaker 1: of the creators of cornflakes along with his brother Will Keith.
Speaker 1: He said that people should eat his cereal because it
Speaker 1: would help you stop masturbating. In fact, it would help
Speaker 1: you take away any sort of sexual desire you might have,
Speaker 1: and that's a good thing for your soul. And your
Speaker 1: health and don't worry. John Harvey Kellogg, well he's a
Speaker 1: scientist and doctor, so he knows what he's talking about.
Speaker 1: And he wasn't the only ones saying stuff like this.
Speaker 1: Back in the nineteenth century, there was a whole bunch
Speaker 1: of doctors and scientists who are talking about how bad
Speaker 1: masturbation was for your health. In kellogg cereal, that was
Speaker 1: just one way to cure your heinous sexual proclivities. Another
Speaker 1: example is you could just electrocute your genitals a little bit.
Speaker 1: So for today's episode of American Filth, I'm going to
Speaker 1: show you, yes, you, how you can stop masturbating the
Speaker 1: Kellogg's way. Cue the theme song. This is American Filth.
Speaker 1: I'm Gabby Watts. Every week I tell you a filthy
Speaker 1: story from American history. Today's episode the Solitary Vice. Well,
Speaker 1: you might be thinking, what's so bad about masturbation. Well,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you a lot of stuff is bad about it.
Speaker 1: First of all, it's a sin. It's been a sin
Speaker 1: for a while now, you know, ever since God became
Speaker 1: a thing. I guess because the thing is the only
Speaker 1: reason you're supposed to use your genitals and your sexuality
Speaker 1: is to make babies. Lord, God doesn't want you to
Speaker 1: feel good. Excessive pleasure. That's a no goes with God.
Speaker 1: People have been calling masturbation a variety of things. It's
Speaker 1: self abuse, it's the solitary vice, it's self pollution. Another
Speaker 1: term is onanism. That's from the Bible. In Genesis, there's
Speaker 1: this dude named Onin and get this, yahweh. You know,
Speaker 1: God killed his older brother, and then Onin's dad was like, well,
Speaker 1: now you got to marry your dead brother's wife. But
Speaker 1: then when Onin had sex with his dead brother's wife,
Speaker 1: he pulled out before he gizzed. Ergo, he spilled his
Speaker 1: seed on the ground. Terrible sin. But I guess according
Speaker 1: to the Bible this is considered masturbation or something. So like,
Speaker 1: if you don't come in a woman, you're just pleasuring
Speaker 1: yourself basically because I guess women aren't real people. But also,
Speaker 1: this is really inappropriate. We really need to take dirty
Speaker 1: books like this out of schools. So here's the thing.
Speaker 1: We know masturbation bad for the soul, but starting as
Speaker 1: early as the eighteenth century, some scientists and doctors propose
Speaker 1: that masturbation might not just be good for your soul.
Speaker 1: It's also bad for your body. There were two books
Speaker 1: that set the stage for this type of thinking. The
Speaker 1: first one dropped in seventeen ten and it was called Ononia,
Speaker 1: The Heinous Sin of Self Pollution. And this is one
Speaker 1: of the first books. I was like, yeah, masturbation, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be bad for your health. And then in seventeen
Speaker 1: fifty eight this doctor named Samuel Auguste Tissau. He wrote
Speaker 1: a book called Onanism, or a Treatise upon the disorder
Speaker 1: produced by masturbation. He was basically like, if dudes lose
Speaker 1: even a little bit of semen, it greatly weakens them.
Speaker 1: He was like, yeah, losing an ounce of semen is
Speaker 1: the same thing as losing forty ounces of blood, So
Speaker 1: watch out, fellas and the jiz. He called it the
Speaker 1: seminal liquor yuck. And if you lost too much of it,
Speaker 1: you're just putting yourself at risk for horrible diseases. He
Speaker 1: wrote the Way to Consumption, Deterioration of is disorders of digestion, impotence,
Speaker 1: and so on. And it's not just for your bodily health,
Speaker 1: also your mental health, because masturbation makes blood flow increase
Speaker 1: to the brain, which then could affect your nervous system,
Speaker 1: and then that would make you go crazy. And the
Speaker 1: thing is, doctors took this theory seriously throughout the nineteenth century.
Speaker 1: Doctors would attribute any disease that couldn't be cured to masturbation.
Speaker 1: Like one fringe doctor said in eighteen twenty eight, in
Speaker 1: my opinion, neither plague, nor war, nor smallpox, nor similar
Speaker 1: diseases have produced results so disastrous to humanity as the
Speaker 1: pernicious habit of onanism. It is the destroying element of
Speaker 1: civilized societies and gradually undermines the health of a nation.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, masturbation equals death of a nation. The
Speaker 1: stakes couldn't be higher. And these guys, they're just talking
Speaker 1: about people with wieners. But don't worry vagina holding individuals.
Speaker 1: They were also at risk. If you were a female masturbator,
Speaker 1: you could also die and go insane, and doctors were
Speaker 1: particularly suspicious of women who had large glitteresses. They thought
Speaker 1: that this would not only lead to being a nymphomaniac,
Speaker 1: but it would also lead to something even worse, lesbianism.
Speaker 1: Ah so yeah. In the nineteenth century, people were going
Speaker 1: wild against masturbation. One historian called it the Great masturbation panic. Ah,
Speaker 1: But you know what was it about the nineteenth century
Speaker 1: that made masturbation such a public menace? Well, historian Arthur
Speaker 1: Gilbert had some theories. What he said was, you know,
Speaker 1: the nineteenth century, it was a time when people were
Speaker 1: trying to invest in the public good, you know. So
Speaker 1: it's basically like, oh, to be a good person, you
Speaker 1: got to invest in social stuff. Disturbation it's solitary, you're alone,
Speaker 1: it's narcissistic. That's not going to work here. Also, at
Speaker 1: the time, because of middle class morality, people were scared
Speaker 1: of any sort of excess that included sexual Also, people
Speaker 1: were being thrifty, and that idea was transferred to sexuality.
Speaker 1: Gilbert was like, you know, a penny saved as a
Speaker 1: penny earned. But they were also applying that to sperm,
Speaker 1: you know, sperm retention. Why would you give up your
Speaker 1: sperm we got to save. Also, at the time, there
Speaker 1: was a lot of venereal diseases. We had syphilists, we
Speaker 1: had gone rhea. So it was like, oh, well, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to masturbate instead of having sex. And so
Speaker 1: it seemed like there was like an increase awareness about
Speaker 1: masturbation in the public. Also in the nineteenth century, you know,
Speaker 1: in the US and Europe, you were only supposed to
Speaker 1: have sex within a marriage. But throughout the nineteenth century,
Speaker 1: the age of puberty started declining, so people had more
Speaker 1: and more time to be horny and have sex, which
Speaker 1: could lead to these diseases, is to pregnancy outside of
Speaker 1: a marriage. So yeah, they're like, I guess we'll do masturbation.
Speaker 1: So again, it just seemed there's more awareness about it.
Speaker 1: Another thing that was going on was that people started
Speaker 1: caring about children, because here's the thing about kids. Throughout history,
Speaker 1: they'd be dying. You know, kids were dying all the time,
Speaker 1: they would get diseases, and so socially that meant that
Speaker 1: sometimes parents wouldn't care that much about their kids, or
Speaker 1: they wuantn't get too attached to them until they lived
Speaker 1: into adulthood be like Okay, cool, you're going to survive.
Speaker 1: You're a survivor. Hell yeah. But then throughout the nineteenth century,
Speaker 1: people were like, hmm, I like my kids more. They're
Speaker 1: getting more attached and they wanted explanations of why they
Speaker 1: got sick or why they died. And since masturbation was
Speaker 1: pretty common amongst kids, doctors were like, that's why, that's
Speaker 1: why your kids are dying. But also the nineteenth century
Speaker 1: in general, you know, there's more religious fervor. People were
Speaker 1: becoming more conservative, and also in science and medicine, they
Speaker 1: didn't really know what was going on, Like they didn't
Speaker 1: have germ theory until the end of the nineteenth century,
Speaker 1: so a lot of the lessons of Christianity were applied
Speaker 1: to medicine. So that's kind of where the idea that
Speaker 1: the mind and the body were connected, and so all
Speaker 1: of your moral failings could lead to disease. So if
Speaker 1: you're being morally corrupt and doing things like you know, masturbating,
Speaker 1: that would cause you to get sick. One psychologist in
Speaker 1: the nineteenth century was named Henry Maudsley. He was a
Speaker 1: big antiinist. In his book on Onanism, he described what
Speaker 1: would happen if you did too much self abuse. He wrote,
Speaker 1: when they reached the last and worst stage of degradation,
Speaker 1: they sink into an apathetic state of moody and morose
Speaker 1: self absorption, with extreme loss of mental power. They sit
Speaker 1: or lie all day or saunter lazily about, muttering or
Speaker 1: smiling to themselves, lost to all healthy feeling and human
Speaker 1: interest slovenly and dirty. If they enter into any conversations,
Speaker 1: they probably revealed delusions of a suspicious or obscene nature.
Speaker 1: So they linger on pitiable wrecks of degradation from year
Speaker 1: to year, becoming weaker in mind and body until they
Speaker 1: die from complete nervous prostration or from some inner current
Speaker 1: disease to which they easily fall victim at last. And
Speaker 1: the thing is, doctors were going to extreme lengths to
Speaker 1: stop people from masturbating. Some of the crazier things that
Speaker 1: they would do is that they would remove women's glitteresses,
Speaker 1: stitch together their labias, or like cauterize the dick. Absolutely horrendous.
Speaker 1: So that's when Kellogg comes into it. Back to cereal.
Speaker 1: John Harv D. Kellogg was a good Christian American boy
Speaker 1: and short king. He was only five four. He was
Speaker 1: obsessed with cleanliness and being dedicated to cleanliness. Ran in
Speaker 1: the family like his dad was a broom manufacturer. So
Speaker 1: Kellogg was like, while my daddy cleans the floor, I
Speaker 1: got to clean up the body and soul. And he
Speaker 1: thought that he had been put on this earth by
Speaker 1: God to heal people. But Kellogg took his dislike of
Speaker 1: masturbation to the next level. He hated any sort of
Speaker 1: sexual pleasure. In fact, on his wedding day, people think
Speaker 1: that instead of consummating his marriage, he was working on
Speaker 1: his book that is all about how sex is evil,
Speaker 1: called Plain Facts for Old and Young. Also, it seems
Speaker 1: that he never actually consummated his marriage at all. He
Speaker 1: and his wife they had separate bedrooms. They never had
Speaker 1: any biological kids. They adopted eight and then fostered another
Speaker 1: thirty four. He practiced what he preached. He was like,
Speaker 1: sexuality disgusting, it's bad. I'm not gonna do it. So yeah,
Speaker 1: Kellogg was a big Christian too, you know, he was
Speaker 1: a Seventh day Adventist and in the nineteenth century that
Speaker 1: church developed a health philosophy that promoted a vegetarian diet,
Speaker 1: abstinence from unclean foods like pork, rabbit, and shellfish. And
Speaker 1: they were like, don't consume any drugs, tobacco, caffeine, processed food,
Speaker 1: all of that stuff is bad. And Kellogg was in
Speaker 1: line with this philosophy. He was like, I love cleanliness, Yes,
Speaker 1: a clean diet, please. And he also had this idea
Speaker 1: he was like God exists within living things, you know,
Speaker 1: so you got to be close to the living things,
Speaker 1: you got to be natural so you can be one
Speaker 1: with God, etc. So the Seventh Day Adventists they opened
Speaker 1: a sanitarium called the Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan. Basically
Speaker 1: it's a health resort, and from eighteen seventy six to
Speaker 1: nineteen forty three, Kellogg ran it. Oh by the way,
Speaker 1: in nineteen oh seven, Kellogg was basically like disowned from
Speaker 1: the Seventh Day Adventists because of some differences in theology whoopsies.
Speaker 1: But the thing is he still operated the sanitarium because
Speaker 1: he was the reason that so many people started going there.
Speaker 1: Famous people like Amelia Earhart went there because everyone was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, he has all these treatments. We gotta go,
Speaker 1: we gotta get fixed. And Kellogg he was becoming a
Speaker 1: famous doctor. Like the Battle Creek Sanitarium, which people called
Speaker 1: the sand it was a luxurious place. There were persian rugs,
Speaker 1: dramatic chandeliers, an indoor garden that had palm trees and
Speaker 1: banana trees everywhere. There was marble floors because allegedly, I
Speaker 1: guess according to early germ theory, you know, germs can't
Speaker 1: handle being on marble. It also had like a huge
Speaker 1: bath house that had nice apartments and suits for the guests.
Speaker 1: It also had an enema room because Kellogg fucking loved
Speaker 1: animas he loves them. The sand was so popular. When
Speaker 1: when he first started working there, there was only like
Speaker 1: one hundred patients, but by nineteen oh six there were
Speaker 1: more than seven thousand at a time, and no, people
Speaker 1: weren't going there just for a cure for masturbation. People
Speaker 1: went to the sand for a large quantity and variety
Speaker 1: of illnesses cancer, heart disease, ulcers, digestive problems. Yeah, did
Speaker 1: you guys know that cancer could be cured by an enema? Crazy?
Speaker 1: I mean, the place definitely had like a culty vibe,
Speaker 1: you know, like people would spend a lot of money
Speaker 1: to be there, and then Kellogg would give speeches and
Speaker 1: lectures promoting his innovative treatments and his health philosophy. He
Speaker 1: was a big part of the clean living movement, and
Speaker 1: he had this idea of biological living, basically doing things naturally.
Speaker 1: He'd be like, yeah, eat a lot of nuts, but
Speaker 1: not too many nuts, but also definitely don't eat meat
Speaker 1: because meat is a death wish also, but also rest
Speaker 1: sit in the sun, sit in the shade, get some
Speaker 1: fresh air, take deep breaths. They had a lot of entertainment,
Speaker 1: so he was like, yeah, go watch the orchestra play.
Speaker 1: One of his premier things was hydrotherapy, which was basically
Speaker 1: like shooting cold water in your bottom. Again, back to
Speaker 1: the enemas. He was like, yes, put the cold water
Speaker 1: in your butt. And to his patience, he was like,
Speaker 1: if you're not shitting four times a day, you're not
Speaker 1: clean enough. More enemas. Also, eat some yogurt and then
Speaker 1: we're gonna give you a yogurt enemas. Your body is
Speaker 1: getting attacked by yogurt on either sides because yogurt will
Speaker 1: cure you. I guess do you guys like this soothing
Speaker 1: spa music as we talk about enemas, isn't it fun?
Speaker 1: Of course? Another treatment that Kellogg had for diseases abstinence, chastity,
Speaker 1: abhorring sexual pleasure boo. And that's when the cereal comes
Speaker 1: into the mix. A lot Ofellogg's thinking about food can
Speaker 1: be attributed to this guy, Sylvester Graham. He's the inventor
Speaker 1: of the Graham cracker, and initially he made those crackers
Speaker 1: to be as bland as possible, because he was like,
Speaker 1: if you eat flavorful food, it's going to get you
Speaker 1: horned up and wanting some sex, and then you'll spill
Speaker 1: your seed and then you'll die. That's why it's important
Speaker 1: to eat bland foods so you won't touch yourself. So
Speaker 1: Kellogg he also started inventing some bland foods. First of all,
Speaker 1: he invented this thing called granola. Have you heard of this?
Speaker 1: And then the corn flakes. But the corn flakes of
Speaker 1: yesteryear are nothing like the ones we eat today, specifically
Speaker 1: the ones we eat today for dinner because we are poor.
Speaker 1: The ones he made, they didn't have sugar. They're probably
Speaker 1: just like dry and nasty, like eating cardboard basically. But
Speaker 1: Kellogg's brother, Will Keith Kellogg, he's the one who actually
Speaker 1: made the cereal into a commercial product. Will also worked
Speaker 1: at the sand He was a bookkeeper. But he wasn't
Speaker 1: as crazy as his brother about the whole bland foods
Speaker 1: to prevent masturbation and sexuality thing. He was like, Hey,
Speaker 1: if we actually want to make money off of this,
Speaker 1: we got to make it taste good. We got to
Speaker 1: put sugar in it. And then John Harvey Kellogg was like, no,
Speaker 1: that's horrible. That goes against everything I believe in. But
Speaker 1: then Will started selling it through his own company and
Speaker 1: was like, too bad, brother, I'm making this And then
Speaker 1: the two of them fought for decades. Also, Will was smart,
Speaker 1: he didn't put on the box a cure for masturbation.
Speaker 1: That's not a very commercially viable product. So yes, I
Speaker 1: think you guys understand at this point that sex, sexuality,
Speaker 1: sexual desire, all of that is bad, and masturbation it's
Speaker 1: even worse. So let's figure out how to stop our
Speaker 1: disgusting behavior from Kellogg himself. Be back after these soothing advertisements.
Speaker 1: So team, let's learn how to stop touching ourselves from
Speaker 1: John Harvey Kellogg himself. So he wrote this almost seven
Speaker 1: hundred page book called Plain Facts for Old and Young,
Speaker 1: and he said the main reason he wrote this book
Speaker 1: was to quote call attention to the great prevalence of
Speaker 1: sexual excess of all kinds, and the heinous crimes resulting
Speaker 1: from sexual transgressions and the terrible results which inevitably follow
Speaker 1: from the violation of sexual law. Kellogg first published this
Speaker 1: book in eighteen seventy seven. That was the year after
Speaker 1: he became the director of the sam And also this
Speaker 1: is the book he might have been tinkering with on
Speaker 1: his wedding night. How romantic. And so what I have
Speaker 1: done for this part of the show, Yeah, I'm kind
Speaker 1: of breaking format again, guys. I know I did it
Speaker 1: last episode, but I'm doing it again. I'm going crazy.
Speaker 1: But what I have done is I have adapted the
Speaker 1: chapter of the book about masturbation into a more listenable
Speaker 1: and fun modern vernacular, as if it's Kellogg himself giving
Speaker 1: a lecture. And I just think it is so important
Speaker 1: for the listeners of this show and myself to hear this.
Speaker 1: You know, we're listening to filth. We need to better ourselves.
Speaker 1: Kellog can help pull us out of the muck. So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get into character. I'm gonna try to like
Speaker 1: be Kellogg. You know, I'm a five to four short king,
Speaker 1: clean living, don't eat meat, never been sexual in my life.
Speaker 1: Here I go. Uh. The only issue is sometimes I
Speaker 1: do have a hard time staying in one character voice
Speaker 1: for too long. So let's just see if we can
Speaker 1: get through this. So here I go.
Speaker 2: Hello. Hello, It's me John Harvey Kellogg, medical doctor and
Speaker 2: purveyor of chastity.
Speaker 1: How does that sound? Does it sound good? Like? Do
Speaker 1: I sound like a man? Also to be that is
Speaker 1: definitely my voice, not the voice of my friend, a
Speaker 1: comedian Matthew English. That's me doing an impression of a dude. Okay,
Speaker 1: so let's get into it and learn how to stop masturbating.
Speaker 2: As you know by now, excessive sexual arousal is reprehensible.
Speaker 2: The previous chapter in my book is called the social evil,
Speaker 2: and we all know what that is, sexual intercourse between
Speaker 2: people who are not married. Yuck. Now let's advance to
Speaker 2: the next chapter into an even deeper social evil, that
Speaker 2: is the solitary vice. What is the solitary advice, you
Speaker 2: might ask, Well, some people call it oninism, self abuse,
Speaker 2: or masturbation. It is a sin more terrible than having
Speaker 2: sex with someone you aren't married to. The Only thing
Speaker 2: I can think of as evil as the solitary vice
Speaker 2: is sodomy. Thunderclap. You might be asking why is masturbation
Speaker 2: such a problem. Well, I'll tell you first, it produces
Speaker 2: excitement in your genitals unnaturally, which are only supposed to
Speaker 2: be used to have a baby. But also it's a
Speaker 2: great evil because it's practice extensively. There are almost no
Speaker 2: bounds to its indulgence. The victim of this solitary vice
Speaker 2: can do it whenever, wherever, at any age and any sex.
Speaker 2: That's right. Even girl babies might do this. And I
Speaker 2: know it's evil because the transgressors seem to know instinctively
Speaker 2: that they are committing a great sin. People do it
Speaker 2: in private, in the shadows alone. Masturbators know it's wrong
Speaker 2: in this world and the next, but they cannot stop.
Speaker 2: They are ruining their lives. Let me tell you one
Speaker 2: example I've seen with my own eyes. I had a
Speaker 2: patient who was once a bright boy, kind, affectionate, active, intelligent,
Speaker 2: But once he started jack and himself, he was on
Speaker 2: the verge of complete idiocy. His eyes were expression, nothing
Speaker 2: seemed to penetrate into his brain. He was an imbecile. Yes,
Speaker 2: an idiot and an imbecile. If we left him alone,
Speaker 2: he would sit in the same position and hardly move.
Speaker 2: He couldn't get out of bed, he couldn't eat or drink,
Speaker 2: and walking required much effort. He was so lethargic and
Speaker 2: unable to answer simple questions he hardly had a semblance
Speaker 2: of humanity left. Yes, all of that because of self abuse.
Speaker 2: If you are a parent, a friend, a caring member
Speaker 2: of your community, let me tell you some of the
Speaker 2: signs to look out for so that you can intervene
Speaker 2: before someone completely loses themselves to the solitary vice. If
Speaker 2: they are self abusing, they might have consumption, premature and
Speaker 2: defective development, sleeplessness, thickness, untrustworthiness, love of solitude, bashfulness, a
Speaker 2: natural boldness, mock piety, are easy, frightened, confused, have round
Speaker 2: shoulders or a stooping posture, weak backs, paralysis in women,
Speaker 2: small titties. They might be masturbating if they're eating clay, slate, pencils,
Speaker 2: plaster or chalk, have acne, are wetting the bed, or
Speaker 2: are having seizures. Sometimes they won't even have these symptoms.
Speaker 2: They'll just have a vibe that they are a bad person.
Speaker 2: And now, if you are the masturbator yourself, let me
Speaker 2: tell you some things that will happen to you if
Speaker 2: you continue your sinful behavior. First, for the males, irritated
Speaker 2: urethra enlarged prostate urinary disease priapism aka a most terrible
Speaker 2: and humiliating condition where you are forever bricked up. Prolapses
Speaker 2: of the rectum and anal fissures. Your testes might waste away.
Speaker 2: You might ejaculate too much or not at all, or
Speaker 2: ejaculating internally, and the jis will get into your bladder. Impotent,
Speaker 2: nervous exhaustion, loss of seminal fluid, heart disease, epilepsy, spinal pain, insanity, idiocy,
Speaker 2: sore throat. Wow, really, anything and everything could happen.
Speaker 1: Oh hey, guys, it's Gabby again. You know when I
Speaker 1: said that I was doing the voice it actually I
Speaker 1: was kidding. That is my friend Matthew English who's doing it.
Speaker 1: But when we were recording, I just wanted to ask
Speaker 1: him how he was feeling about being Kellogg's. We took
Speaker 1: a little interlude, So how do you how are you
Speaker 1: feeling about Kellogg? So far? Like being him? Do you
Speaker 1: really kind of like are you feeling kind of his
Speaker 1: inner workings? Are you like understanding his mind?
Speaker 2: I've gone full DiCaprio in this one. I'm deeply in character.
Speaker 2: I'm shouting at masturbators on the street. I am starting
Speaker 2: to get real judgmental. Right now, I feel pretty good
Speaker 2: about it.
Speaker 1: That's great. Now let's get to what can happen to
Speaker 1: women if they masturbate. That's very important. That's something I've
Speaker 1: been wanting to know.
Speaker 2: Now, four females, by touching your nasty vagina, you'll get
Speaker 2: sore fingers and then you'll get warts on your hands. Also,
Speaker 2: you're gonna be producing more and more mucus down there,
Speaker 2: which will get into the womb and it will get congested.
Speaker 2: Then you might be sterile and your genitals are gonna
Speaker 2: itch and you're still gonna have small titties. But if
Speaker 2: you don't end up being sterile and you do have
Speaker 2: a kid, your kid is gonna grow up delicate, puny, decrepit,
Speaker 2: basically gross. And now we get to the important section
Speaker 2: for all of us. How can we stop self abuse? Well,
Speaker 2: if you come to my sanitarium and give me money,
Speaker 2: I can for sure cure you. But here's what's important
Speaker 2: to know. Prevention is the best method. You gotta cultivate chastity.
Speaker 2: But remember, any manipulation of your genitals can cause evil
Speaker 2: to arise. If you are a parent, you must tell
Speaker 2: your children about what self abuse is and all of
Speaker 2: the bad things that can happen because of it. Some
Speaker 2: parents aren't willing to tell their kids about this stuff,
Speaker 2: but imagine how many lives might have been saved from
Speaker 2: ruin if they had heard about this from their parents.
Speaker 2: If you can't prevent the behavior, here's what to do next.
Speaker 2: For self abusing children who are old enough to understand
Speaker 2: morality again, what you can do is paint a very
Speaker 2: colorful picture of masturbation, sinfulness, and also tell them the
Speaker 2: terrible things that can happen if they don't stop. Also,
Speaker 2: distract them. Work is an excellent remedy because it'll make
Speaker 2: the kids so tired that when he goes to bed,
Speaker 2: he will be too tired to defile himself. That's right,
Speaker 2: Send the kids to the factories. For younger kids, try
Speaker 2: a medical device, put bandages on their parts. You can
Speaker 2: tie up their hands, but the best thing you can
Speaker 2: do is cover their genitals with a cage. Yes, put
Speaker 2: your baby in a cage from the waist down. Also,
Speaker 2: for boys, make sure they get circumcised. Remember, the more foreskin,
Speaker 2: the more room for pleasure, so you gotta cut it
Speaker 2: off as much as possible. Also, make sure the operation
Speaker 2: is performed without an anesthetic, as the pain from the
Speaker 2: operation will have a healing effect upon the mind where
Speaker 2: they will have this nice correlation between penis and pain.
Speaker 2: For adults, what you can do is just spell it
Speaker 2: out for them, tell them what happens if their self
Speaker 2: pollution continues. You don't need to exaggerate. The truth is
Speaker 2: terrible enough. And if you're an adult trying to get
Speaker 2: treatment for the solitary device, you gotta surround yourself with
Speaker 2: favorable circumstances and people understand the danger you are in
Speaker 2: and be resolved to change. You've gotta control your evil thoughts,
Speaker 2: exercise and have a good diet. Stop eating stimulating foods
Speaker 2: that includes spices, pepper, ginger, mustard, cinnamon, condiments, pickles. Stop
Speaker 2: drinking stimulating drinks like wine, beer, tea, or coffee. Coffee
Speaker 2: is particularly evil because it makes people so frickin' horny.
Speaker 2: It's a poison and I didn't think i'd have to
Speaker 2: say it, but stop smoking tobacco. Also, remember gluttony is
Speaker 2: fatal to chastity because your body is already weak from
Speaker 2: all that self abuse. If you eat too much, your
Speaker 2: body can't handle it and it might cause you to
Speaker 2: ejaculate spontaneously. And also on a full tummy, you won't
Speaker 2: sleep well and dreams can cause horniness. Remember you'll stop
Speaker 2: dreaming once you're healthy. Healthy people don't dream. He's absolutely insane.
Speaker 2: But if you do have dreams, you should be able
Speaker 2: to control them. One patient was like.
Speaker 1: What, that's impossible.
Speaker 2: I can't control my dreams. Yes you can, you sinner. Also,
Speaker 2: don't take naps because that's when the horniest dreams happen.
Speaker 2: And don't sleep on a soft bed. Being soft and
Speaker 2: warm makes you want to touch yourself. Sleep on the
Speaker 2: floor with one thin blanket, that's the best. In females,
Speaker 2: you gotta douche three to five gallons of hot water
Speaker 2: every day into that puss and make sure it's just
Speaker 2: hot enough that it's slightly uncomfortable. Also, for weaker patients
Speaker 2: who are unable to exercise self control, put a little
Speaker 2: bit of pure carbolic acid on the clitteris It's a
Speaker 2: great way to reduce abnormal excitement. Yes, acid on clit.
Speaker 2: Oh god, this section is disgusting. Okay, just like as
Speaker 2: a like like that someone with authority would tell people
Speaker 2: to do, Like this is dangerous, this is bad.
Speaker 1: What you don't think people should put acid on their pussy?
Speaker 2: That's like three to five gallons of hot water.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean he's like just slightly hot water just
Speaker 1: like so it's slightly uncomfortable, but not too.
Speaker 2: Much, you know, all that douching. And then if you're
Speaker 2: not allowed to masturbate, then you can't control like what
Speaker 2: kind of pressure or anything like you're gonna tear, you're
Speaker 2: gonna tear, and what happens for boys.
Speaker 1: Well, if it makes them stop masturbating, it's all good.
Speaker 1: This is a God's Will podcast, Matthew. We're doing it
Speaker 1: for the Lord.
Speaker 2: I forgot for the Lord. And breakfast cereal exactly a
Speaker 2: bible in each box for everybody.
Speaker 1: Else.
Speaker 2: You must bathe. It's essential take a really hot bath.
Speaker 2: But then before you go sleep, soak your genitals in
Speaker 2: cold water. And anema with cold water is also nice
Speaker 2: before bed, or a yogurt anema yum. Don't do that
Speaker 2: too much, and don't you dare take any pills. We
Speaker 2: must heal naturally, but from time to time we can
Speaker 2: use some electricity. Zap those balls, electrocute the coot and
Speaker 2: the lower back. And finally, don't despair. You can recover
Speaker 2: from your past transgressions. Don't plunge into greater depths of sin.
Speaker 2: Perseverance and skillful treatment can cure you. Though I have
Speaker 2: found it absolutely hopeless for some also, don't listen to quacks,
Speaker 2: which I of course I'm not. Thank you, I have
Speaker 2: been John Harvey Kellogg. If you are a chronic masturbator
Speaker 2: or poor please eat my cereal incredible incrabling go fun.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what did you learn from all of this?
Speaker 2: Well, seeing as I have all of those conditions listed,
Speaker 2: I should probably stop masturbating.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've been telling you for years toot your
Speaker 1: consumption under control. And also I guess what was at
Speaker 1: the stooping posture. And then also just general weakness, that's
Speaker 1: your general weakness is one of your biggest weaknesses.
Speaker 2: My general weakness is my largest weakness. Right, I should
Speaker 2: stop drinking coffee as well, because it's making me so
Speaker 2: goddamn horny.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and don't you drink like eighteen cups a day.
Speaker 2: I do drink a lot of coffee day, and I
Speaker 2: still take afternoon naps, which is the horniest sleep time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good. That's why, like I have insomnia
Speaker 1: is so that I don't masturbate it from all the
Speaker 1: horny dreams. So it's a purposeful insomnia. Well, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for doing this. This is a I think
Speaker 1: we all learned something, didn't we failth heads? They said, yes, Wow,
Speaker 1: isn't American history amazing? All the things we used to think,
Speaker 1: all the ways we used to be. I can't wait
Speaker 1: until the future when we look back on twenty twenty
Speaker 1: four and are like, wow, they were so bad. Words
Speaker 1: like most of them weren't even in like a polycule
Speaker 1: kink bdsm dungeon situation, which is the only way to
Speaker 1: live healthily. What were they thinking back then? But let's
Speaker 1: take something from Kellogg himself. You know, let's get our
Speaker 1: heads out of the gutter and into a bowl of cereal, because,
Speaker 1: as always, we learn a lesson from American filth. And
Speaker 1: I think the lesson today is very obvious. Kellogg just
Speaker 1: needed to be okay with being a sexual. He didn't
Speaker 1: need to make a whole philosophy to make everyone else asexual.
Speaker 1: He just needed to accept himself. It's fine, Kellogg, you
Speaker 1: can be that way. That's a fine way to live.
Speaker 1: Calm down. But we're all different. I think that's the
Speaker 1: lesson for sure. Or maybe he just needed to get fucked.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm not a real historian. I also
Speaker 1: don't think a real historian could prove if he was
Speaker 1: a sexual or needed to get fucked, so oh well,
Speaker 1: we'll never know. American Filth is a production of School
Speaker 1: of Humans and iHeart Podcasts. This episode was written, sound design,
Speaker 1: and hosted by Me Gabby Watts. Our theme song is
Speaker 1: by me and Jesse Niswanger. Our senior producer is Amelia Brock,
Speaker 1: and our executive producers are Virginia Prescott, Else Crowley and
Speaker 1: Brandon Barr. You guys can follow along with the pod
Speaker 1: on Instagram at American Filth Pod. Also leave a review,
Speaker 1: good bad, either way it helps the algorithm. Give it
Speaker 1: five stars, one star, two, three or four any sort
Speaker 1: of stars. Also Tomorrow Thursday, the twenty first of March,
Speaker 1: I am recording a half hour stand up special in Atlanta,
Speaker 1: Georgia at a venue called Dynamic El Dorado. We got
Speaker 1: a couple of tickets left for the eight and a
Speaker 1: lot for the ten pm. Come out see me do
Speaker 1: stand up. It's not really about history, but you know,
Speaker 1: it's a similar vibe. It's also gross stuff. But if not,
Speaker 1: I'll talk at you guys next week. Goodbye, School of
Speaker 1: Humans